#also i watched pahkitew it was fine

[mkulias]

the fact that people called topher/jasmine tophmine is so crazy so me. JASPHER WAS RIGHT THERE??

[fraudulent-cheese]

Do you think they made Dave a bit of a straw man near the end of Pahkitew? Like it always felt to me they needed someone to use as a hate buffer you know since they couldn't use any of the antagonists they had already made. And this is coming from someone who likes Dave. He was just a pathetic guy who had some charm to him if explored and used them correctly but in the end he was... Mauled by a robotic bear? The punish may fit the crime, the culprit sure doesn't.

-Pahkitew anon

Total Drama in general has a problem with over punishing it's antagonistic characters in general. I mean, Heather's head getting shaved off is fine imo? It's harsh, but also a punishment in line with her character; if her hair's the hottest thing about her, taking it is a fitting punishment (again. Really fucking harsh). Same with Justin's downfall, caused by him actually liking a girl instead of just charming one. I haven't watched the ending of Action so i can't say anything for how Courtney's elimination is treated.

However, as the series went on, the antagonist punishments started going... way too far. I think the writers just thought that making Ezekiel a weird creature was funny and the volcano erupting would've made for a dramatic finale, but making Alejandro both get burnt alive by it and then stuffing him in a robot suit for over a year is just overboard. Same thing with Scott in ROTI; the trauma chair's implications just get worse the more you think about it - at least Alejandro could speak in the machine at first!

I won't cover the Reboot in this context, but i will cover PI: mostly because this season seemingly has 2-3 antagonists, and most don't carry the plot. Scarlett's an actual antagonistic force for a single episode and doesn't get any punishment on screen outside of elimination (and being sent with Max). Sugar is who im pretty sure the writters wanted to treat as an antagonist? But she doesn't feel like an overarching vilain since she's mostly just doing her own thing all season and the show's just... really mean to her? The narrative repeatedly treats her as unattractive, annoying and dismisses her abilities (specifically in singing) when she's like. Fine. in those aspects. She's also not the smartest, but knows how to use the rules to her advantage (see Ella's elimination, probably the worst thing she does all season)

Getting to the actual topic of your ask now, Dave's heel turn to murder just... feels a little off. Oh sure if the writing insisted on the conditions on the island wearing him down and having Sky be the only positive connection he had (especially considering his attitude towards relationships), having it torn down like this could make it work? At least a little better? But by the episode he's eliminated in he seems to be doing ok.

In general the finale just seems to exacerbate Dave's worst traits for either comedy reasons or plot reasons (pre and post Sky-has-a-boyfriend reveal), but i could personally excuse it if his reaction was more akin to one he'd have before. He would not have reacted well to the reveal, hell him trying to stop Sky from winning could've worked but like??? Not like this man! Im not asking the Total Drama teenager to have a reasonnable reaction, im asking the Total Drama Writters to stick with the character they wrote, and frankly it would be funnier if he failed miserably in trying to get back at Sky or something. Out of all the seasons i feel like either TDAS or TDPI should've ended with the contestants fighting back against Chris instead of the actual endings we got.

Also, as a final clarification: Dave wasn't mauled by a bear (onscreen), Scuba bear was just standing behind him as the entire season ended. I guess my big problem is that he gets consequences for his actions during a single episode and not actions from over the course of the entire season; frankly Sky rejecting him is enough consequences, the dude's pathetic and didn't listen to her 'but', multiple times.

[td-brick]

hmm. Opinion on the entire cast of pahkitew island.

Thanks for the ask! These might not be super detailed bc honestly pahkitew island is my least favorite season (such a hot take, I know!*) and i haven't rewatched it much but here (in elimination order, so it's under the cut in case of spoilers):

Beardo: not much to say bc he's the first eliminated but i thought his gimmick was fun! i wish he stayed a bit longer

Leonard: I know he's in rr too but i haven't watched it yet 😞😞 he was cute i guess. again i dont have many thoughts on him

Amy: she's fine i guess.... like whatever idk... i wasn't super fond of her and sami's gimmick or whatever

Rodeny: idgaf about him and he was also kind of annoying

Sami: same was amy basically but at least she was nice idk

Ella: She was adorable and i KINDA love her... or at least the concept for her character.... her singing thing + being friends with animals thing was really cute and yeah i enjoyed her concept like i said. but her thing with dave was kinda weird and out of place, i don't know what they were doing with that.??

Topher: he's funny! i don't have much to say about him but i like him

Dave: Okay I know he's like super widely hated but honestly i dont have much against him. hes annoying and his thing with sky was super weird on occasion (although i feel like near the end they were just fucking around because iirc i can't really imagine dave earlier in the season doing all that) but i don't really think about him that much he's just there. but i kinda have a soft spot for him bc he shows ocd traits and i have ocd

Scarlett: I LOVE HER I LOVE HER SO MUCH scarlett fever is one of the only memorable episodes in the season for me. I love her gimmick i love her design she's so awesome idk. My friend also really likes her :^) which isn't important but i think it's funny she's both our fav character. i can't explain it but i just like her evil scientist thing and she's sooo cute. and also lesbian. obviously.

Max: he's annoying to me sorry i judt didn't like him that much

Jasmine: I really liked her, she's so sweet and i think shes so adorable. i know she made it far but i wish she made it even further lol i think she was a great contestant

Sugar: she's fine i guess idk

Shawn: I liked him a lot, i also think he shows some traits of ocd and he's just a very nice guy so i thought he was cool. i dont have much to say on him though. him lying to jasmine about the prize money and stuff kind of irked me but like it's whatever. he's cool

Sky: SHES REALLLYYYY COOL!!! i dont have much to say about her though sorry. also i forgot about this until my mutual brought it up the other day but i think the "boyfriend at home" reveal was so fucking tacky and a terrible way to deal with her and dave's relationship it was just so. whatever idk

[tylejandro]

I'm too scatterbrained to actually write a fic with this headcanon, but I think WT's ending was faked in a lot of ways in-universe, more so than it usually is.

Like instead of a volcano erupting, it was CGI or something. Ezekiel's condition was also faked and it was some weird marketing stunt. Maybe Alejandro's comeuppance was just getting trampled. And when he was "put into the suit," he was taken out of it soon after and just told by Chris that he's not legally allowed to contact the future All-Stars contestants but other than that he's fine. Just to keep the illusion that he was actually trapped in a robot suit for a year.

Island and Action had this groundedness to their endings that WT just misses, which I think would be preferable to explore in fic. Same goes for the endings of future seasons aside from the reboot. All the side episodes like the Aftermaths and Specials paint a good picture of how the world building of TD works that WT's ending throws away, even though I agree that it was cool to watch.

I genuinely believe we would have more fic for the ROTI and Pahkitew cast if there was a Playa Des Losers for them or some evidence they wanted to be Hollywood famous, like many characters were in the Specials.

[real-total-drama-takes]

https://www .tumblr.com/real-total-drama-takes/729760452494655488/httpswwwtumblrcomreal-total-drama-takes72975?source=share

are you using the td wiki to determine whether priyas a mary sue or not… ? anyone whos watched the show can easily describe her personality outside of being nice and athletic… athletic female character=/=mary sue. you're using it as a subjective term while presenting it as fact. if you watched the show and only took that out of her and zoeys personality then thats fine! that just means that you don't understand these characters, not that they're objectively mary sues. also, the term mary sue itself is rooted in misogyny Lol.

here, let me get you started by naming a few traits about zoey and priya

zoey

self-conscious, cares what others think of her, tries to leave a good impression (sometimes a pushover in early roti)

naive and overly trusting of those closest to her

"commando zoey" mode, despite being more hardcore and adamant of her own goals, has a soft spot for those she cares about, which can even hinder her from achieving what she wants

is supportive of those she trusts; takes the time to reassure or calm down her friends, whether it be through emotional support (calming down gwen in the cave in all stars, comforting dakotazoid in roti) or physical support, such as aligning with them in challenges

priya

socially awkward at times. has trouble hiding her nervousness or embarrassment

team player; values good sportsmanship, isn't fond of those who don't carry their own weight

very passionate and emotional (for example, her anger and happiness are always extreme)

more patient and understanding with her friends compared to others (continues to trains millie throughout all of tdi23 despite some occasional doubts before episode 12, meanwhile not giving julia's idea a second thought in episode 10 simply because she disliked her)

and this was just off the top of my head.. i havent watched pahkitew in a while so ill refrain from talking about sky for now. but just because a female character is amiable and athletic doesnt mean theyre a mary sue. thats not their only trait and i really wish yall would get out of the habit of using That Term for characters u simply dont understand

.

[perpetualexistence]

Yeah, having this be like a constant cycle of students while these three stay the same really builds into the idea that they're unstoppable because they're just always there no matter what you try to do. The way I see it, the ROTI cast were freshmen during their time at school as humans, while the Pahkitew island crew are the freshmen that come in after the ROTI graduate. There's a much bigger gap between Pahkitew and Reboot, which is why by the time the Reboot cast comes in the Eldrtich trio really in the groove of how these cycles work.

It also means that Open House for the Reboot cast is a great time for them to check in on their former classmates. And also a stressful time as they try to prevent some former classmates from recognizing them. And also a stark reminder that their friends are going to pass away long before they will. They'll be fine. (They're definitely not quickly wiping away watery eyes while they hug the people who were there for them when they needed it most.)

But onto lighter thoughts! I think it would be nice if Noah actually did just use Cameron's dnd module for his own campaign. His last interaction with them might have been evil gloating, but he does still miss that first Scooby gang. He makes them important NPCs.

And given that you're saying Millie's indifferent to the whole thing, I do find it hilarious that she hears all of these horrifying things and just says "Oh, okay! So can I make a book about this?" Poor girl seriously needs to learn people skills. Also, it's especially going to be heartbreaking when Priya finds out the only reason her parents have been better to her is because Alejandro's been making them. Because that's when it'll really click how horrible they were.

I also think it'd be hilarious if MKulia still happens in this AU. Julia's just being the absolute worst, and then being made to absolutely go through it. And MK just watches all of this and says "Yeah, that one. I want that one." Noah tries to lead her towards literally anyone else because he doesn't want MK to put herself into Heather's warpath by association. He should have known better than to try to tell her 'no' because he's pretty much just thrown MK directly into Julia's arms. The worst part is he can't even be too mad at her because he'd be a hypocrite since he's dating Alejandro and Heather.

As you can see, I too love to ramble about the Reboot cast. Now onto your question of Pahkitew Island cast. I haven't actually watched it outside of clips, but I do have a few ideas.

I can see Amy wanting the spot of head cheerleader, though more because it means she'll have more reason to boss Sammy around. While that normally would make her Heather's victim, I think Alejandro would actually take over for this one. He probably meets them while having a talk in public with Heather when he sees Amy bullying Sammy. He immediately gets flashbacks to his relationship with José. He makes it his personal mission to destroy Amy. She's going to learn what it's like to live in her sister's shadow. Quite literally.

Heather's victim of the cast ends up being Sugar. She thinks she's a Queen Bee despite having none of the intelligence to back it up, which pisses Heather off to no end. It's not even that hard to do, which frustrates Heather even more. She loves a challenge, and a challenge Sugar is not. She will be incredibly relieved when Julia happens because finally she can pull out the big guns again.

Noah probably ends up going after Topher. He can't stand a suck up. He also reminds him too much of Justin for his liking.

Then, for the Scooby gang! At this point I've noticed a pattern in Scooby gangs being protag trios, so why fix what ain't broke? This time around it's Amy, Shawn, and Jasmine. Amy because she notices weird things happen to her sister, possibly including her disappearance depending on where we end up settling the timeline with that. Jasmine because she's friends with Amy, and Shawn through Jasmine. He stays because he's convinced that Alenoaheather are zombies. Even when they do finally reveal what they truly are, he just hears 'undead' and knows their zombies. Heather is this close to just making him forget what a zombie is. The only reason she doesn't is because it's so integral to his personality it might actually screw him up too much if she does. Because they don't really have too close of connections with these three, Alenoaheather treats their rivalry more like a game since they know they'll win in the end.

Then, chronologically speaking, we have the first two who actually want to track down the Royal Court for evil purposes: Max and Scarlett. Max is very open about wanting to rule first the school, then the world, using the dark magics he knows exist and are hidden somewhere in the school. But he's so incompetent that the trio let their guard down. They'll keep an eye on him, but he clearly doesn't know what he's talking about, and they feel sorry for the poor girl he drags around with him.

I'm putting a read more for the next part because we start getting more into story here with a trigger warning for death and a sacrifice.

Scarlett's the real problem. She actually knows that eldritch beings exist and knows a few rituals. She wants to rule the world and will sacrifice anyone to do it. She's effectively using Max as a psychic deterrent because he's so unpleasant to be around Heather just turns her mind reading gaze away from him because god he's just so annoying. ...And that extends to Scarlett because of how physically close the two are most of the time.

And that's how Scarlett is able to steal the summoning book for the Royal Court from Noah's library. She and Max find it, and at first Max grabs ahold of it and laughs triumphantly because he's done it! He's won! ...He's not sure exactly what the next step is, but he's won!

Scarlett is so close and she's just had it with Max, so that's when she reveals her true colors. She snatches the book, snatches Max and lets him know he's the first person she'll sacrifice, and leaves.

Cue Alenoaheather panicking. Because if she does manage to successfully summon the Royal Court, she could convince them to make a deal that's much more dangerous for the rest of humanity. And she's outside of school grounds, meaning they can't get to her because at this point they've been confined to the school.

They immediately stop playing the good guys vs bad guys game with the Scooby gang. They've got all the knowledge, and the Scooby gang are the only ones who can go out to actually use it.

"Guys, we can't just work with the zombies!" Shawn argues. This gets him an insult that sends him collapsed to the ground, his heart ripped out, and temporarily forgetting how to breathe. These three don't have time for this, and if showing the Scooby gang exactly how much they've been holding back is the only way to get cooperation, so be it. Because yes, they are, in fact 'going to work with the zombies'. They are going to find Scarlett, Max, and the book, and bring them back to the school.

The Scooby gang do end up defeating Scarlett before she can summon the Royal Court. She got as far as managing to pull Alenoaheather out of the school and into her summoning circle before she was stopped. The lords weren't summoned...but they weren't able to save Max, whose sacrifice was needed in order to summon the vessels to Scarlett to be contained.

Neither Alejandro, Noah, nor Heather had seen death since they wiped out the cultists that sacrificed them. They do still have vivid nightmares of that night, courtesy of the Royal Court. And to see someone else like that? Just like them, with the potential for a redemption that can never come, slaughtered without a chance of being brought back? They completely forget about needing the book back as they turn into semi-eldritch creatures. They launch themselves at a captured Scarlett, drag her with them through the portal they were summoned through, and aren't seen again until school the next day.

Leaving Amy, Jasmine, and Shawn to process what's just happened. And realize no, they're absolutely not about to give the demon summoning book back to the demons. They try to destroy the book, but it's indestructible because otherwise how would the Royal Court be able to have their fun? So instead they settle for giving it to someone completely unrelated to the school to hide away for them, or otherwise send it off they have no idea where. That way Heather can't just read their minds and get someone else to grab the book for them because not even they know where it is.

Alenoaheather's pretty peeved that the Scooby gang actually managed to pull one over on them. Fortunately, they got rid of most of their bloodlust through Scarlet and do still have humanity left in them. Plus, it was a pretty clever scheme. So they just agree to leave each other be from now on. They won't try going after the book, and the Scooby gang won't try stopping them from entertaining their lords.

It's a deal that eventually leads to problems in the future as a young Lauren stumbles across this book. It's the day she becomes Scary Girl.

...Okay so most of that literally just came out as I was typing it so wow apparently I did have ideas for Pahkitew crew. I also wasn't expecting Pahkitew to then build up a bit into Reboot. Whoops!

you guys ever hear a new song and frantically conceptualise a whole AU around it, starring your current Main Blorbo? or is that just me?

[fraudulent-cheese]

So i started watching Pahkitew Island

If im gonna be making a video, i might as well record my first reaction to the episodes! and because i wanted an excuse to do something with them, i watched the first two episodes with @rockin-it-rusty!

I'll start with my thoughts on half the basic concept of the Season, being way more inspired by Survivor than the other seasons. The first challenge is fun too! God i wish it was better utilised! So far it's just been used in the first few minutes as an excuse for character interaction and a reward for the winning team.

In general the concept is good, with an ok execution. Im not going to comment on the Robot-Island thing since we haven't gotten to it yet.

As for my opinion on the characters:

-I didn't care much for Beardo or Leonard. I have a similar opinion to them as Staci in canon; they're just a gimmick, and if that's the only thing the writters wanted to do with them, im glad they got out first. (Rusty doesn't agree at all and misses their silly boys already)

-I get Jasammy shippers now, they have a nice dynamic! Wish Jasmine called her Sammy!

-Max is funny, idk what to tell you. He is so ridiculous and stupid, it's great. I love cartoon violence

-Sky's fine so far, definitly the most down to earth character so far, and the moment with her calming down Dave was fun. GOD i wish they did something else with them :(

-Topher's SUCH a suck-up during the first two episodes it's crazy. Also there's actually a progression in the story even during the first two episodes

-DID NOT KNOW CHRIS HAD BEEF WITH ELLA THIS EARLY LMAOOO HE HATES HER

-Speaking of which, LOVE her voice. She's so sweet and deserves the world :)

-God i wish they made Amy and Sammy actually interesting characters. They are begging for more context, character and traits.

-Jasmine's fun. Genuinly wondering why they decided "Australian" was a trope to pick but she's good so far

-Scarlett fades into the background sooo much early on. She's had like four lines and three of them were in episode 1. She's smart yeah, and definitly a nerd, but that's it so far lol

-Dave's kinda annoying. Ground Breaking take, i know. Mostly during the first episode though

-Shawn's also been mostly in the background so far, but he does have a reason for it in his character and i like that.

-Sugar's fun too, she was really fun with her liking of Leonard (also i wouldn't call it a crush? so she DOES escape the "girl likes a guy" curse let's go!!!!) and immediate doubt in Ella's honesty. Really compelling to me.

-Oh and Rodney exists i guess. Yeah he's fine. His crushing gimmick is entertaining at least

TLDR: Not too bad so far! Pretty fun! Characters are fun and Basic Concept good! solid 6/10 so far!

[fraudulent-cheese]

What do you think is the most unpopular opinion you have about each season?

OOOO. OH THAT'S A HARD ONE BECAUSE I CAN'T SENSE WHAT THE FANDOM'S OPINION ON SHIT IS SINCE I BARELY STEP OUT OF MY CIRCLE. I'll try my best tho!

TDI: The middle is so boring you guys. Seriously there's a bunch of episodes i barely care about this season and most are around the mid point. Some merge episodes also aren't super great either. Oh and as i've said before, Gwent's boring as hell and im not the biggest fan of Duncney. Ozzy's fine tho

TDA: I honestly prefer it's pacing to Island. It could 100% be better, but having less characters and more time between eliminations allows for alot more character building and i like that :)

TDWT: Guys. Guys please it is not as good as you think. It's a huge mixed bag and no one ever talks about it??? At all??? Outside of the usual suspects (Sierra's thing, the Love Triangle™) people don't tend to talk alot about the season's faults and it sucks because THIS is the season you guys think is the best one? Really?

ROTI: Ok this is where me being mostly active on Tumblr and not anywhere else is detrimental because im not sure??? What would be an unpopular opinion? I guess i don't have much investement in Jo and Brick's rivalry? But otherwise most people seem to have similar opinions as me (the girls deserved better, the cast would benefit from more episodes, the cast is super interesting, ect...) I guess an actual controversial opinion is that i like Dakota's mutation on concept because i love monster designs and she looks super cool but i am. not a fan of the apparent drop in her intelligence. Make her speak full sentences and be herself and i'd give her full props.

TDAS: Haven't watched it yet, so i don't have any real opinions? Yet? Mal could've worked if he wasn't treated seriously ig. Also it would've been fun to see all the campers slowly all turn on Chris over the season since it's the final time we've seen these people and they deserve it honestly

TDPI: That the season is good, or at least funny LMAOOOOO liking Pahkitew, especially outside of Tumblr is the unpopular opinion, let alone liking certain things about it like Sugar and Max's characters

RR: haven't watched it yet... But i don't actually have an unpopular opinion this time??? uhh Emma deserved to be more of her own character and Kitty sweep

TD2023 S1: Haven't watched it either??? They should've given more time to Scary Girl

TD2023 S2: Again, this is a case where i belive the general opinion on Tumblr is different to that of the general TD fanbase? Because i've seen my fair share of people who genuinely liked the season where as i... really haven't. Uh Zee should've made it farther than Caleb i guess.

[real-total-drama-takes]

“Three queens stand before me,” Ru-Chef began, sizing the dolls up and down.

“Only two of you will move on to the finals, and one of you will bid your adieu and go out in a a burst of glory, in our giant Cum Cannon of Slay-me.”

Brown Sugar and S-kai eyed each other up and down. Brown Sugar, having acquired a Republican-woman tan the shade of burnt caramel, was dead set on getting that Olympic wannabe eliminated. In turn, S-kai, the non-binary short king who merged her deadname Sky with the name every non-binary short king who watched LEGO Ninjago as a kid chooses, also wanted that Alberta asshat eliminated. Shawn-tay, on the other hand, was just focused on not getting his wig snatched by the millions of wig-snatching zombies in the wild of Pahkitew Island.

“So who stays? And who goes?” Ru-Chef was turning up the heat. She got right up in the final three contestants’ faces.

“Brown Sugar, you were terrific in the Dolly Parton drag/moose rodeo double-challenge today, but you completely tripped on your stilettos during the 100m gogo-boots race! What happened, queen?”

S-kai smirked. Yes, Mama Ru! Read that flop to filth with the rest of her hog-tying hick cousins! she thought.

“And S-kai, my darling…”

The non-binary Olympic short king gulped.

“Musical legend Madonna originated the vogue walk. We wanted to see that passion in you during the reward challenge today. Instead, much like said legend herself in present day, I almost went into a mid-life crisis from that godawful posing! This is Ru-Chef’s Drag Race: Pahkitew Island, not a soup kitchen! Let’s straighten that neck up, and act like we’re in a photoshoot, m’kay?”

S-kai reddened, and Brown Sugar hooped and hollered at Ru-Chef’s insult.

Further back, Sis McSlay, co-host of the show, was fine-tuning the Cannon of Slay-me for maximum propulsion. Xe took a moment to rub the sweat off xis forehead from doing repairs to laugh at xis lover’s read. Ru-Chef didn’t just read people–she brought the whole damn LIBRARY.

Click. Clack. Click. Clack. Ru-Chef’s pink Louboutin heels carried the queen over to Shawn-tay, who hadn’t bathed all season.

“Shawn-tay,” said Ru-Chef nasally, as a clothespin pinched her nose from the zombie conspiracy theorist queen’s stench. “You didn’t do terribly in today’s challenges. Nor did you do particularly well. Just…middling. Mediocre. Milquetoast, if we want to keep this trend of “m” words meaning “bland” that perfectly describe you.”

S-kai and Brown Sugar’s eyes widened. Shawn-tay gulped.

“In fact, my dear,” Ru-Chef continued, “If I had a glass of lukewarm Pepsi, I’d offer it to you, because much like a glass of lukewarm Pepsi, you are both unimpressive and nobody’s first choice.”

Shawn-tay’s jaw fell to the floor of the makeshift stage set up on the island. She was thoroughly gagged.

____________________________________________

After Ru-Chef had gotten those bitches together, it was time for the elimination nomination.

“S-kai,” Ru-Chef said, her pink dress shimmering in the summer sun. “You are a phoenix. Bright and awe-inspiring when in action, but pathetic and ashy otherwise. You are an Olympian in training, and you haven’t won a single challenge on your own all season! You’ve got so much potential, crazy abs, a killer bod, insane upper-body strength, sexy flexibility, and a calm head that would soothe any acid-attack victim’s chemical burns! But is athleticism and levelheadedness all that can carry you to the crown?”

S-kai braced xishelf.

“I’m sorry, my dear, but you are up for elimination.”

S-kai’s heart sank. Xer blue chiffon ball gown seemed to shrink and pucker with every condemnation from Ru-Chef, and with this final blow, with this heart-halting threat of elimination looming over her, it finally gave away. S-kai sank to xer knees and wept.

Unfazed, Ru-Chef turned to the next contestant.

“Brown Sugar. Your performance in today’s challenge was…shall we say…Sugar Honey Iced Tea.”

Brown Sugar’s wig was snatched. Her bedazzled blue-denim bell bottom jeans swished pathetically in the wind.

“Let’s just say, if I wanted a performance that tried way too hard to be modern but ended up being a downright offensive yet horny hick fest, I would’ve just created an AI deep fake of an uncomfortably sweaty sex tape between Lil Nas X and Billy Rae Cyrus to the tune of “Old Town Road.”

S-kai stifled a giggle. Brown Sugar’s eyes went as wide as the sticks of fried butter she ate for lunch.

“I’m sorry, my dear, but you are up for elimination.”

Brown Sugar started boohooing instantly, her blonde locks billowing in the breeze.

“And Shawn-tay….Con-drag-ulations, you are the winner of this challenge! You stink like Selena Gomez’s acting, Jennifer Lopez’s singing, and Sofia Vergara’s English accent, but you’ve got that it factor, despite an initially lackluster performance. You’ve got a ticket to the finale, my darling. Sashay to backstage, and spectate these two queens battling it out if you dare.”

Fixing her ratty orange beanie, Shawn-tay ran to the back of the stage, endlessly relieved that she wasn’t being eliminated that round and that no zombies had snatched her wig to get her brains!

____________________________________________

“Queens,” Ru-Chef said, after the commercial break. “It is time…to lip-sync…FOR. YOUR. LIFE.”

S-kai and Brown Sugar hated each other all season. Brown Sugar’s loud hillbilly antics and cruel, manipulative tactics like bullying their teammate Sn-hoe White out of the competition and breaking up S-kai and Dirty Dave’s showmance rubbed S-kai the wrong way. Similarly, Brown Sugar was repulsed by S-kai’s good sportsmanship, sense of fairness, and potential alliance with Dirty Dave. They couldn’t be more different. But the two shared one thing in common at that moment, judging from their shaking knees, as jiggly as Season 1 Drag Race winner Ho-wen’s belly: they were scared shitless.

“Good luck, and don’t fuck it up.”

Having uttered this warning, Ru-Chef pressed Play on the hot-pink Disney Princess Karaoke Machine. On either side of him, co-judge Sis McSlay and celebrity judge, current Prime Minister of Canada, Cunt-ney, were staring at the queens coolly.

A remix of Disney Princess “I Want” songs began playing, starting with Snow White’s “I’m Wishing” melody that she sang into the wishing well, still in her peasant clothes. But unlike a peasant, S-kai and Brown Sugar were in full force, grooving around the stage, lip-syncing as best as they could to this childhood medley.

The remix switched over to Cinderella’s “A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes”. Channeling her inner Gus, Brown Sugar tumbled and scurried around the stage, posing perfectly under the spotlight. Ru-Chef looked impressed.

Quickly, the lyrics morphed into Sleeping Beauty’s “Once Upon A Dream”. Channeling xer inner Aurora, S-kai fluttered around the stage, dancing with a deer and gaggle of birds that had wandered in from the forest. Prime Minister Cunt-ney seemed amazed.

It was when the music shifted gears into Ariel’s “Part of Your World” that a lightbulb went off in S-kai’s pixie-cut-adorned head.

The medley is going chronologically, by order of the Disney Princess movies! she deduced.

Hmm, right now is 1989’s The Little Mermaid. What’s next…was it Beauty and the Beast? No, Aladdin!

Distracted by her mental calculations, S-kai didn’t see that she was twirling right next to the front of the stage. Brown Sugar slyly stuck her foot out in front of her competitor. S-kai tripped.

Tipping over the edge of the stage from the momentum of her twirling, the queen gasped. At that moment, the Disney Princess animals from the forest dashed to her rescue. A gaggle of bluebirds grabbed onto her ballgown. A nest of robins held onto her velvet cape. Using their paws and hooves, a deer and a rabbit steadied S-kai’s high heels, which were teeter-tottering from the impact.

Once again, fully upright on stage, S-kai flashed her brightest smile and continued twirling. Sis McSlay narrowed his eyes, but looked satisfied by her recovery.

Shooting a glare at Brown Sugar, S-kai focused on what lyrics would be next. Correctly predicting that Ariel’s signature song would shift into Jasmine’s “A Whole New World,” S-kai used xer cape as an imaginary magic carpet, and, combined with xer acrobatic skills, pretending to glide around the stage in it. All three judges exchanged looks of wonder.

Fuming, Brown Sugar planned to crush that gymnast out of the competition once and for all. In the meantime, though, she’d bide her time and pretend-lasso S-kai out of the way, as the medley changed into Belle’s reprise.

Ironic that Brown Sugar, who thought that books were just government conspiracies to “kill trees and stuff them between boring covers,” would dominate in this portion of the lip-sync, but that’s exactly what happened. Dizzy from all her spinning and flipping, S-kai moved around the stage in a daze. Taking the opportunity to hip-check xer out of the way, Brown Sugar shoulder-shimmied her way into the judges’ hearts.

The sun beat overhead as fiercely as the two lip-syncing queens’ competitive spirit. Neither was backing down, and Shawn-tay watched from backstage in amazement. Maybe life wasn’t all about zombie apocalyptic survival, she thought, inspired by their desire to snatch the crown.

There wasn’t much choreography during S-kai and Brown Sugar’s lip-syncing renditions of Mulan’s “Reflection”, but the emotion in their faces, no doubt spurred on by their hunger to stay in the competition, brought Prime Minister Cunt-ney to hysterics. Even though queen never cry, she couldn’t help but dab at her watery eyes with her mindful and demure platinum-plated handkerchief. Ru-Chef and Sis McSlay held each other for comfort as they sobbed.

Princess Tiana’s “Down in New Orleans” was the segment which made S-kai and Brown Sugar vie for the spotlight the most. Hips swayed, toe-taps cascaded, fingers wagged, and legs sashayed through this jazzy tune. Brown Sugar “accidentally” bumped S-kai into a stage prop, which came crashing down on the queen. With xer out of the way, Brown Sugar pirouetted to her heart’s content, letting out years of Little Miss Hillbilly pageant experience. The judges oohed and aahed.

Crawling out of the rubble from the stage-prop sabotage, S-kai’s ears steamed. Xe wanted to run out there and drop-kick Brown Sugar off the stage and onto the judge’s table to expose that fraud who wore…Sh…Shake….

S-kai shuddered. Even xe couldn’t speak that godawful piece of cheap hair technology into existence. Much like Lord Voldemort, Shake-N-Go wigs were an evil best left unspoken, lest it secretly grow power whenever it was uttered. All of Canada knew that only the trashiest queens wore them, and a secret like this that S-kai had caught wind to would destroy Brown Sugar’s drag career, and on national television at that. But….

No. S-kai wasn’t that low. As angry as xe was, xe wouldn’t stoop to Brown Sugar’s level just to win a lip-sync. Instead, S-kai would win with xer killer physique and discipline. “Fly like a butterfly, sting like a queen”, her intense drag trainer Mr. Mi-yas-gi had taught her. That, and “Wax on, wax off” (when it came to styling eyebrows).

Picking xerself up and dusting xerself off, S-kai was just in time as the remix moved into Rapunzel’s “When Will My Life Begin”. Despite xer obligatory short haircut like all non-binary short kings with some variation of the name Kai, S-kai wasn’t deterred from using xer flowing ballgown to cosplay as Rapunzel’s magical locks. Swirling them around and combining hairography with classical ballet, S-kai zig-zagged around the stage, trapping Brown Sugar in a whirlwind of chiffon and pixie-cut dandruff. The judges were surprised at S-kai’s recovery, having been almost ready to disqualify xer for xer absence for most of the previous lip-sync segment.

S-kai’s dancing whirlwind spun faster and faster, as Brown Sugar, feebly shaking her blonde curls, became disoriented. Making a mad dash out of her opponent’s ballet-based natural disaster, Brown Sugar’s head was clocked by a stray wind from S-kai’s choreography of fury. Flying off the stage, Brown Sugar smashed into the judges’ table and sent an intern running away in fear.

Having knocked her rival off stage, S-kai took center stage, the spotlight on xer, as the final song of the remix, Moana’s “How Far I’ll Go”, began playing. Despite Moana’s Polynesian roots, as a First Nations (indigenous Canadian) queen, S-kai resonated with Moana’s indigenous heritage.

By the time S-kai’s lips, perfectly aligned with Moana’s voice, mouthed the final “how far I’ll go,” all three judges were brought to tears. Even Brown Sugar, as much as she hated S-kai, had to admit that xe sounded pretty good. Shawn-tay sobbed tears of awe.

____________________________________________

The stage lights went dim. Just the natural sunlight, the summer breeze, the chirping birds nearby, and the applauding judges were the only sounds left.

Having defeatedly risen back onto the stage, Brown Sugar faced her judgment. She stared daggers at S-kai, who stared daggers right back. The two were having a mental diva-off, a stare down of the gods, and only one would walk away. That is, until–

“We’ve made our decision,” Ru-Chef called.

“S-kai,” Prime Minister Cunt-ney began.

A pit of nervousness rose in the Olympic queen’s stomach.

“Shantay, you stay,” Ru-Chef proudly finished.

Xer mouth agape, S-kai took in Ru-Chef’s words. Xe was in the finale. Xe was IN the finale.

Beaming, she ran over to hug Shawn-tay before halting inches away. Shawn-tay did still smell like raccoon ass and her outfit did still look like she had gotten mauled by attack dogs and fire hoses at a civil rights protest (seriously, what was Mama Ru thinking giving her invincibility??), but….who the hell cared! The two queens embraced, congratulating each other. Discreetly, S-kai sprayed some Chanel No. 5 perfume on Shawn-tay as they hugged.

“Brown Sugar. Your performance in this lip sync matches your tan exactly: skanky and reeking of bad judgment. If the sabotage wasn’t enough, the hair was my last goddamn straw, honey…a Shake-N-Go wig? How dare you.”

Having had her secret exposed for the entire viewing audience of Ontario, British Columbia, Nova Scotia, and Quebec, Brown Sugar stood frozen in her tracks, a white-hot fury and mortification petrifying her. She could kiss her brand deals with Juggy Chunks and Darwin’s Food Safari goodbye.

“Brown Sugar,” Ru-Chef looked upon her like gum on the bottom of her stiletto. “Sashay away.”

____________________________________________

Not even giving her enough time for a farewell, Ru-Chef’s bulging biceps hoisted Brown Sugar up and tossed her from the stage into the Cannon of Slay-me across the forest. Promptly pressing a shiny red button, Sis McSlay watched as Brown Sugar screetched, “I’M COMING, WIZARD!” as she blasted away into the sky. For the record, by “wizard,” she was not referring to Leonard, a black queen LARPing as a sexy mage who was eliminated 2nd in the competition, but instead to her illicit American lover, a “Grand Wizard” in an organization whose three initials are all comprised of the same letter…

“Taking the trash out, one silly billy (hillbilly that is!) at a time!” Prime Minister Cunt-ney dusted her hands off, a self-satisfied smirk on her ever-so-cunty face.

“We are down to TWO finalists,” Ru-Chef announced.

“Who will be the queen that snatches the crown on Ru-Chef’s Drag Race: Pahkitew Island? Will it be S-kai, non-binary short king (pronouns xe/she/xer/her) and Olympian-in-training, or Shawn-tay, smelly but spirited QAnon conspiracy theorist Shawn-tay (pronouns she/her)–?”

"–It’s ‘zombie conspiracy theorist, not QAnon! And zombies are totally real–“

“–Find out next week on the season finale of Total…Mama💅…Island!”