#also i need to learn how to draw dogs so i can draw leslie and peach

[ranishoo]

part 8 it takes Vex a couple days to heal and he's almost completely silent the entire time, Arya grew attached to Kaerou quickly and has been awkwardly making them all spend time together and tensions are high, meanwhile Syl is digging for information, some offhand deals and pi work finding a trail of arcane energy leading to a rich noblemans house that matches Liuvo, and they plan their attack. Vex is still injured and is told to hang back as much as possible to avoid irritating his wounds knowing there was no way to keep him from coming, so Arya is left to break them in, but on the way Vex starts feeling ill, then faint, having visions of a man in his position, someone he loved taken from him and held hostage, and the rage he felt that made it almost impossible to breath and falling to his knees. He blacks out for just a moment, but the life of this unfamiliar man flashing before his eyes, almost all memories centered around another man whose face was always obscured and voice distorted. Kaerou snaps him out of it, insisting he go back to rest but he refuses and carries on (Here Before by Vashti Burnyan)

They stay undiscovered until getting to the master bedroom, finding Liuvo dressed up and sitting like a doll before the doors close behind them Liuvo getting up in jerking motions as if being puppeted, drawing his scythe and lunging at them. Arya can see the magic strings controlling him and has everyone distract Liuvo while he severs them, but Vex is having the most trouble dodging him and refuses to fight back, refusing to kill someone he cares about again like he had his mentor, and Liuvo manages to slash him across the stomach, a deep cut and reopening his previous wound, he takes the opportunity to grab Liuvo and twist his arms behind his back and restraining him while Arya cuts the rest of the strings, slowly bleeding out. (Mine - MAKKU)

forgot you sent this and hey bud what the FUCK

so I'm still working on what happens after Leslie burns the lab to the ground, so a lot of this info is iffy and might change a bit, but afterwards she struggles with a deep depression and guilt by herself for several months.

one thing I should probably mention but never did bc I didn't think I'd be getting this in depth about Leslie is that she and Delvon have a psychic link (this is relevant I swear). during her first year in the past she managed to get herself into a magically induced coma and the only way Delvon could get her out was to enter her dream himself, which was only possible by permanently linking their minds through a process called tethering. that would mean for the rest of their lives they'd be able to hear the other's thoughts, feel their emotions, pain, share their dreams, literally everything. he knew he was overstepping boundaries in doing this, but if he didn't she would likely die in her sleep. so he did it, and both of them felt immense guilt for it, him for forcing this situation on her and her for driving him to the point where he felt he needed to lose his independence and privacy for her. so when she left, she learned how to put up mental and emotional walls to block out some of the feelings and thoughts she could sense, basically trying her best to cut him off. both of them constantly feel like they're missing something though, bc thanks to how the tethering process works, they now can't feel complete unless they have access to the other person; they can exist if one dies or blocks the other out, but it Fucking Sucks to get used to. so on top of everything else, Leslie is feeling horrible that she's cut him out of her life completely bc she knows how this feels for her, so she can only imagine how rough he must be feeling all the time with a large chunk of his senses and emotions now missing. the only hint one gets of the other is if one of them feels incredibly strong emotions that Leslie can't block out (like Delvon randomly got immense anguish when Addie died), or occasionally they see each other in their dreams, although Leslie tries her best to avoid interacting with him, even if it means not sleeping at all.

so anyway, Leslie has very little money as she was essentially a glorified prisoner at the facility, so eventually hunger drives her back to taking on minor jobs wherever she can. one job was to repair the fence for an orchard, and the elderly man gave her a few peaches as an extra thank you since he could tell she clearly was in a bad spot. she takes them and leaves, and several miles down the road she finds a dog looking hungry and lost. she cuts up one of the peaches and gives it to her, as that's the only food she has, and then she continues on her way, noticing every so often that she can see the dog out of the corner of her eye.

that evening when she sets up camp the dog hesitantly stands on the other side of her fire, just watching her. she doesn't pay it much mind as she figures if the dog wanted to hurt her she would've done it by now. but then she turns her back for one second and turns back to find the dog is eating peaches out of her sack. she wants to be mad but she can't bring herself to feel anything but pity, so she feeds the dog and ends up keeping her, naming her Peach (she jokingly says it's short for Peach Thief). later on she theorizes that this must be the hunting or guard dog of someone who died, because no one in their right mind would abandon a dog so well trained and loyal, but finders keepers right?

I don't have many specific songs for events during this period (yet) but some general vibes are

[thatdudebellamy]

THE GARDNERS → amanda, peyton, bellamy

AMANDA JEAN → some office job idk (42, leslie mann)

that bitch who graduated college and was like fuck you i don’t need you or this town and probably followed bands around and fell in love 3 times a day

used to be a very successful realtor in southbank but has settled for a more lowkey office job or sth in northlake due to wanting to keep a low profile

loves her kids so fucking much??? would kill/die for them??? wow

Hot Mom™, certified milf probably if milfs get certified

jogs in the mornings, loves to do yoga, has at least one glass of wine a night if she can help it - bitch loves a good chardonnay

super friendly and has made a lot of mistakes in life but only bc she has so much heart to give and her heart is the reason she’s made it this far in life tbh like she don’t need no husband or no man she got herseLF

but higkey sUCH a serial dater, can’t keep the bed warm for long, was married once for 3 years but they got divorced, unsure if she wants to do that again but for now she’s dating and hooking up bc she’s a grown ass woman that’s got needs alright

often puts bellamy on babysitting duty bc momma’s gotta go out, have fun, explore the town, meet men, hoorah!! (bellamy: *internal screaming*)

biggest flaw: rEFUSES to talk to her kids about their fathers (she allows peyton a few details bc she’s young but like bellamy, peyton has learned not to ask - bellamy knows who peyton’s father is tho)

PEYTON MACKENZIE → student (10, mackenzie foy)

is probably the only adult in her family ngl

loves to read, draw, very introverted hobbies, extremely studious

due to the big age difference between her and bellamy, she has learned to entertain herself and not rely on others to have fun

highkey a smartass tho and doesn’t even hide it, will tell you why you’re wrong and not even flinch (is quiet most of the time tho bc she’s above it)

probably too attached to her teddy bear and is freaked out about the idea of having to grow out of it bc she’s hit the double digits fam, life ain’t playin

is quiet 70% of the time unless spoken to or feels like she has something to say?? overall, a very easy person to look after

loves bellamy despite roasting him all of the time

also she and bellamy are half-siblings (different fathers) but no one gives a fuck and she respects bellamy a lot for never addressing that fact even when they get really mad at each other

was the product of a fling her mom had with a married man woops

???? → architect (45, stephen moyer)

the only man amanda has ever really loved

bellamy doesn’t know if he’s alive or dead but has learned not to care

got in contact with amanda again when bellamy turned 13 via a letter

writes like once a year and sends amanda money for bellamy almost monthly even if she insists she doesn’t need it (but she appreciates it tho, she uses it to add to bell’s college fund or buy him things she knows he really wants)

bought bellamy his car that he loves so much but bellamy doesn’t know that (like srsly bellamy i know ur mom is a good realtor but like how do u think she can afford a fairly recent model jeep wrangler??? r u okay??)

makes hella cash monies as a renown architect, lives somewhere on the west coast in a house he designed

very recently decided he wants to finally meet bellamy but amanda is very against it and stopped answering his letters bc of that (but she’ll take the money for him ok goodbye)

BELLAMY JAMES → student (17 18 now!, gregg sulkin)

just wants a dog

a lot of the nicer things he has in his life (ps4, big ass jbl boombox, etc.) are gifts from the men that have tried to get with his mom lmao

at this point, the gardner kids know whoever their mom ends up dating won’t last 3 months so they know not to get attached to them and are Very Bored whenever it’s time for them to Meet The Kids

on his 18th birthday, his sister gave him a homemade bracelet with the initials of everyone in their family so like catch that bracelet always on bellamy’s wrist beside his watch like he’ll never take it off??? (click here for picture reference, bellamy’s is the one that starts with ‘B’ and peyton made herself a matching one that starts with ‘P’. wow, we love a tight-knit family)

bio / stats / additional info if you want it idk idk

[thebigladjake]

AX3001: Oddyssey TV Show - Research - The Subconscious and why I think it has huge potential for storytelling.

My fixation of the Subconscious in my recent work stems from the fact that I think it’s a creative reflection of someone’s personality. Even if the person isn’t that particularly creative themselves, we get a view into how they see the world and maybe what they even want. And this fascination I have has come from several places in media. With the first place being an internet animated show known as The Big Lez Show.

The Big Lez Show

The Big Lez show is about Leslie Mackerel and what at first just appears to be a middle aged Australian guy just living his life. However, as the series goes on we learn more about Lez and the fact that he’s technically an alien who was banished from his home planet, has a bitter rivalry with his brother, Norton and eventually an epic hero who saves the world from the Choomahs.

A big part of the show is the stoner comedy aspect of Aussie culture and the friends tend to relax by getting high and talking about the kind of things high people like to talk about. All kinds of deep topics and in Choomah Island 2, several characters talk about the subconscious and Lez goes on a journey of self-discovery to realise what he truly wants in his life.

It’s a bit of a watch, but I thought I might as well include it since it’s free. Choomah Island 2 is the boys going on a mission to finally put this Choomah problem to rest. And in typical Big Lez fashion, once the boys are on the island. They don’t go about their mission, instead they choose to get high and talk about all the mad things in life and the talk of the subconscious begins as Mike Nolan and Big Lez are lying down looking up at the sky.

This is one of the first times Lez gets consensually high and has a trip, previously he was spiked by Sassy the Sasquatch, and here Mike Nolan explains to him how he realised that his dream was all in his head and the fact that all his friends were in the dream means that they all exist within his subconscious.

Mike then goes onto say how we’re all one as when we make others happy, we make ourselves happy and the opposite applies too. That in reality we are all one, Lez doesn’t buy it until he sees a hallucination of his face in the clouds that tells him to listen to him. Setting up a whole karmic retribution theme to this movie.

Lez’s adventure truly begins when he parts from the group to chase a fallen star. After an encounter with the Choomahs, Lez sits down and smokes a joint that Sassy gave to him in case he got lost, getting lost being more figurative than literal. Lez then goes on a journey through his subconscious where he learns the truth about his existence and the fact that it’s a show, however that isn’t the focus. 

Lez learns about the possibilities of Microsoft Paint from Sassy the Sasquatch as he meets him in a dimension of his own creation. Sassy goes onto say that it’s a dimension in his own head and going back to what Mike said, that we’re all connected and we are one, Lez can see it too. Lez doesn’t understand and asks Sassy why he brought him here, but Sassy says it was his decision to come.

Sassy goes onto explain that right now they are outside the box, yet still inside it. Eventually showing Lez the Microsoft Paint GUI and telling him to draw what he wants from life. Lez draws a picture of him shooting Norton, saying how much he hates him and how he can’t stand Norton being in the same world as him. With some guidance, Sassy helps Lez to realise that killing Norton isn’t what he wants and what he really wants is to be happy.

Lez wakes up, physically and spiritually as his trip ends and he realises exactly what he wants. With a little guidance from Sassy, he was able to come to the conclusion that he wants to be happy and viewing things from a more positive angle.

I personally find this kind of development really interesting because technically it’s all the character’s doing and they just needed to really look at themselves to figure out what they wanted. Not only that, we get to see what the characters really think about that other person and we see how important their friendship must be if they’re appearing in each other’s subconscious. Big Lez definitely planted the seed while my playthrough of Earthbound helped me to realise the potential in trippy subconscious settings.

Earthbound and Magicant

Upon many things, Earthbound is the main driving force behind Oddyssey as I believe it could be a really successful formula for a show for kids since it’s actually good and a show for adults to sort of remind them about the magic of being a child. And a really memorable part of the game is Magicant, a moment where Ness is alone once more and has to defeat the darkest part of his subconscious without the aid of the friends that he has made along the way.

Earthbound gives us a little more to chew on rather than Big Lez, since it’s a game that allows us to explore Ness’ subconscious at our own pace. The first thing I want to talk about is Ness’ resting place is viewed as his home. Throughout the game, you’ll need to rest to freshen up all of your psychic points and hit points and you can always go back home to Ness’ Mother and get a free rest, however that can be extremely inconvenient when there are hotels in your current town. You don’t see her often and can talk to her on the phone to cure Ness’ homesickness which effects him in battle.

However, Ness’ family appearing in his mind as his place of rest is really sweet because it shows us just how much they mean to him without Ness saying a word. His Mother gives him a chance to rest and eat his favourite food, Tracey will hold onto any items that may be clogging up your inventory and King the Dog is there for emotional support. 

Ness can also reflect on previous memories here, he can meet his past self, friends from his hometown and several snowmen that he once built. One snowman specifically says something I find could beautiful, “We had fun one snowy day, I melted away but I still exist in your memory.” and I can’t really explain why I love this saying as much as I do. But, there’s something about it that I relate to massively, I feel like it might have something to do with the characters and worlds I used to create using the resources I did have. 

Another character of interest is Pokey Minch, a character who was Ness’ cowardly and rude friend gone bad throughout the story of the game. You can find him in Ness’ Magicant and we see how Ness thinks that he is rude, but on some level wishes that they could still be friends and that he didn’t go down the path that he did.

Another part of Ness’ Magicant is the house of the Flying Men or Man. Half man, half bird figures that are the symbol of Ness’ courage, you can ask for them to accompany you to the Sea of Eden and they prove to be quite capable. Them being a symbol of Ness’ courage dwindles if the Flying Man falls in battle, with each Flying Man getting less and less hopeful. Unfortunately, none of the enemies in Magicant really seem to represent anything significant to Ness’ psyche which is a shame.

Nothing in the Sea of Eden really sticks out as a symbol of Ness’ personality and subconscious. But, the whole reason Ness had to journey here was to defeat a great evil within... Ness’ Nightmare, Ness’ embodiment of evil, he must be destroyed for Ness to succeed in defeating Giygas.

What’s so fascinating about Ness’ Nightmare is that it implies even a good kid like Ness has evil within, and I think we can all picture a version of ourselves that is all of our negative traits incarnate. As if this could happen to absolutely anyone, we all have the capacity to be evil I believe. It’s just some people don’t want to be evil while others may do.

I think making the audience think about these themes and consider their whole past and their whole view of their world is what Magicant is all about and I most certainly hope that this is something that Oddyssey would be able to capture.

[kpoppinshipswithwine]

Hi~. Can I have a written ship with BTS and Seventeen please??
I’m an honest person and I keep my words. I care others’ feeling and always put them before myself. Seeing people around me smile.. that totally made my day 😌. I love my family very much. I’ll always support everyone who needs, give them my 100%… just don’t betray my trust. I’m bad at lying. Sometimes, I can be naive and friends love to tease me about it 😑. I’m not confident. I always keep my problems to myself cause I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. Really quite when getting angry. Others may find me quiet and reserved but I’m actually outgoing (kinda dork 😬) and clumsy… very much. 
Love eating and girly things. I love animals excluding worms and cockroaches. I can’t resist dogs. Actually I can’t resist most of animals. I just wanna pat them 😆. I like almost every flowers in the world not only because of their beauty but also because of their own meanings. I’m adventurous, love being outdoor and traveling, enjoy themeparks, hikeing, camping, star gazing, festivals etc. You can say, I’ve sweet and girly appearance with a tomboy habit 😂. I prefer walking because I can pay more attention on surroundings. I usually listen to music while taking a walk (my friend said I’m unconscious humming song when in a good mood). I listen various kind of music. I like drawing and take a photo as well. Horror movies are my fav!!
My ideal type. Umm… kind, strong mind, loyal and funny. I always find a man who considered, help people in need without asking or good with kids and animals are attractive. If someone asks me what I seek in my lover, I’d say it’s someone that I can trust and trust me. Someone that I can talk about everything and like wise. So, we can share, learn and support each other. Explore new things together (fill everyday with smile, good laugh and fun), Protectiveness and little bit jealousy is okay. It didn’t mean him to be with me 24/7 but just letting me lean on his shoulder when I’m weak and be clingy with him sometimes is enough. I’m really slow when it comes to love. There are times I don’t even know that they were flirting with me. So he has to be obviously, consistency and patient with me.😂
Thank you so much ❤️ 
Please take your time ~.

 Thank you for requesting sorry for the wait!

At first I was gonna ship you with Tae but then this happened

JINNN

my brain said V but my gut said Jin so idk how good this will be it was 4am when I wrote this and after watching 5 seasons of Parks and Rec in 3 days h e l p

-This underrated man needs love and support -He complements you 24/7 -Always says you guys are the most attractive couple -He’s so awkward bless him -Tries so hard to comfort you -Mom Jin kicks in -I didn’t mean for that to rhyme but it is now my new slogan -I want “Mom Jin Kicks In” on a t-shirt with him kicking down a door with Jungkook in one arm and food in the other -Trade mark that shit -MARIO KART DATES YOU DORKS -Calls you Princess -Or Peach -Or Princess Peach -You guys totally dressed as Mario and Princess Peach for a costume event before -You love eating and girly things -You were literally made for Jin -Does research on flowers -Asks you to do his makeup -Ok but imagine -He loves taking you out to fancy dinners or cooking for you at home -But one day your like -yo -I wanna pick the date this time -So you don’t tell him where you’re taking him -and you take him to a Renaissance festival -He’s just like … -This place is unusual waIT LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT TURKEY LEG -IS THAT A FAIRY -THERES SO MUCH GLITTER -Ew but those shoes with that corset really? -anyway -in the beginning of the relationship you were all sweet and girly -and then your tomboy side starts to come out -You two were playing Mario and you just won -so you started jumping up and down and dancing ( horribly might I add ) -“SUCK IT! IN YOUR FACE!” -and he’s just -“wow I love her so much?” -He can’t stop smiling at the realization and your like -“stop looking at me like that you nerd” -hikiNG DATES -He posts tons of pictures of you guys hiking together -and you eating together -he loves taking pictures of you -especially when your caught off guard -and since you love taking photos he totally poses for you bc he’s “model material” as he says and no one can argue bc he’s a hot piece of meat -Is saying someones a hot piece of meat offensive? -Probably -be prepared for dad jokes -If I could be best friends with anyone in Bts it would probably be Jin, he just seems so easy to talk too -wow whoops this is long sorry -just like his dong -I’m so sorry

For Seventeen I ship you with…

Dino!! MY SON

-I literally just shipped you with the mom of the group and now I ship you with the baby what is wrong with me -But he’s more mature than some of the the other members lol -lil fluff ball like you -I feel like Dino is like Leslie Knope when he tries to lie it just doesn’t work out -super super super sweet when your upset -he may be a little scared -how does one handle this situation -asks hyungs for help -and its like that one episode of every TV show every where they give him terrible advice -DINO IS THE BIGGEST CLOSET DORK IN SEVENTEEN FIGHT ME ON IT -I never really realized how much I love Dino till this moment -holy crap -my son -I legit just had an external crisis but I’m back now it’s okay -I also didn’t have to include any of that but I like to keep it real with you guys -Dino reminds me of a puppy -he will definitely get you stuffed animals all the time -Dino pls stop there is no more room -will feel like he broke the non excitant boyfriend code if he can’t win you something from a claw machine -gets a little shy if you take a picture or draw him -he will slide you cute sticky notes -sends you snaps everyday that he loves you -One of the other members will probably be like -Yo -Date Dino he’s a total dork who likes you - I feel like he’s a really good listener with lil nods and such to make sure you know he’s listening -I say lil and little a lot -unlike his dong AYO -I’m sorry that’s inappropriate -sorry -hope you like your ships -and have a wonderful day

[cassbeewrites]

1-100 also im personally Offended that u will not let me be gay binch and tag u 85 times........ im requesting a divorce

oh boy okay fuck u 

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? 

pandora does that make me basic

is your room messy or clean?i’m a minimalist with hoarder tendencies. 

what color are your eyes?kind of like a hazel-green

do you like your name? why?i used to hate it but now that i’m older it kind of ? distinguishes me? plus i love the nickname cass so there

what is your relationship status? married 2 u elm, always

describe your personality in 3 words or lessobsessive, destructive, gay

what color hair do you have?light brown but it actually used to be red when i was born! god i miss those days… being an infant, having cute hair….

what kind of car do you drive? color?i have a 2013 subaru impreza hatchback. it’s a rly pretty dark grey with purple undertones and a skeletor decal on the back. literally i love my car 

where do you shop?target. jo-anns. teavana. 

how would you describe your style?i like earth-tones or dark muted colors 

favorite social media accountfacebook?? it’s where i run my cosplay page idk

what size bed do you have? twin 

any siblings?i have one sister but i also have 2 half-sisters and possibly 2 half-brothers who i’ve never actually…. met…..

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?wales. research them arthurian legends. love some pet sheep.

favorite snapchat filter? i rarely take pics of my face so idk maybe the flower crown one?? is that still a thing

favorite makeup brand(s)neutrogena or almay bc they’re hypoallergenic lmao

how many times a week do you shower?realistically, 5-6. ideally……. i would never leave the shower……

favorite tv show?fuck this question i don’t want to think about it

shoe size?9-9.5-10 depending

how tall are you?5′6

sandals or sneakers? mmmmm i do love my hiking shoes but i also love sandals so? both

do you go to the gym? nah my dad is a fitness nut so we literally have like 6 or 7 types of exercise equipment at my house

describe your dream datedying

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?$6 in ones. i handle too much cash during the day to want to keep it in my wallet. 

what color socks are you wearing? …. i’m not

how many pillows do you sleep with?just one

do you have a job? what do you do? i’m a teller at a credit union. i count cash until my fingers are literally black from how gross bills are

how many friends do you have? 0i have like? elma. also a few of my coworkers and some cosplay friends

whats the worst thing you have ever done? be born lol. start writing. learn how to sew. 

whats your favorite candle scent? fresh linen

3 favorite boy names1. Loren2. Liam3. Mothman

3 favorite girl names1. Eowyn2. Ruby (don’t judge me my dog is CUTE)3. Mothman 

favorite actor? leslie odom jr

favorite actress? phillipa soo my gf

who is your celebrity crush?………. leslie odom jr and phillipa soo my gf

favorite movie? right now it’s moana but i love tangled and lotr, unwaveringly 

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? i can’t pick a favorite fuck off

money or brains? ?!?!?!?!

do you have a nickname? what is it? cass, sass, sarcassidy, sketch, 

how many times have you been to the hospital?like twice maybe

top 10 favorite songsjesus christ ok. okay1. Hot Gates by Mumford and Sons2. Whispers by Passenger3. Above / Below by Birds of Tokyo4. Minor War by Birds of Tokyo5. If This Ship Sinks (I give in) also by….. Birds of Tokyo6. I’ll Be Good by Jaymes Young7. Tag! by Scarves8. Despite What You’ve Been Told by Two Gallants9. Young God by Halsey10. Wildflowers by Tom Petty

do you take any medications daily? i’m on that nightly melatonin fix

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)clear. blessedly clear. 

what is your biggest fear? never being someone worth remembering :)))

how many kids do you want? 1. MAYBE 2. or maybe 0? 

whats your go to hair style?Half up, half down. I’m lame

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) my house is actually… pretty big? it’s like. very upper middle class

who is your role model? my old debate coach from high school :’)

what was the last compliment you received?idk elma what was the last gay thing u sent me

what was the last text you sent?“thank u for providing”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?i had my suspicions as early as 5 but honestly. my mom tells me i have to believe in him for the sake of our dogs because she wants to maintain the illusion that he’s real… for them…. she’s so weird

what is your dream car? actually i’m pretty happy with the car i have. the 2017 imprezas are WAY cute and nice and sporty tho and i would love to upgrade someday 

opinion on smoking?smells yucky. makes our drive through tubes & cash smell yucky.

do you go to college? yes but i am TIRED

what is your dream job?DYING! DEATH AND DYING! being a literary agent actually tho

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? well i actually grew up in a pretty rural area but it was also only like… 15 minutes from a big city and is surrounded by smaller cities. it’s not a bad place to live. very safe and quiet, lots of horses

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? no i have a hair Routine and cannot break it

do you have freckles? no :( I have a few and i have some cute moles tho

do you smile for pictures?no go away

how many pictures do you have on your phone?jesus christ 9,564

have you ever peed in the woods? reluctantly 

do you still watch cartoons? i watch disney movies but like? i think cartoon fandoms are VERY annoying so i avoid them at all costs COUGH stev///en univ//erse

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?chick fil a or die. but i wouldn’t turn down wendy’s or mcdonalds nugs u feel

Favorite dipping sauce?honey mustard fuck me up. chick fil a sauce got me goin too

what do you wear to bed? big shirts!!!

have you ever won a spelling bee?um no i tried bc i’ve always been a spelling hoe and the written portion went well but the speaking portion was an anxiety ridden mess

what are your hobbies?dying. sewing. suffering. cosplay. petting dogs. hiking. being dead. writing

can you draw? i used to draw a lot but fucking jill heiner in 11th grade told me i sucked and i will never forget that

do you play an instrument?i played piano for 12 years and i was never like naturally gifted but i certainly tried my hardest. i haven’t played since i graduated high school 2 years ago tho

what was the last concert you saw? i’ve never been to a concert and may never go

tea or coffee?both but like. there’s a time and a place for both

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?starbucks

do you want to get married?i fear physical relationships 

what is your crush’s first and last initial?V(iktor)N(ikiforov)

are you going to change your last name when you get married? no i’m attached to my initials 

what color looks best on you? greens and dark purples

do you miss anyone right now? my dog :( he’s sleeping in the hall and not in my room

do you sleep with your door open or closed?closed unless my parents are out of town so my dogs can sleep with me

do you believe in ghosts?i believe in mothman

what is your biggest pet peeve? when people acknowledge my physical existence as if i am more than just a semi-transparent blob. also when people call their checking account a “checkings” account. fuck right off it’s not plural and checkings isn’t a word FUCK YOU

last person you called`my mom 

favorite ice cream flavor? pistachio

regular oreos or golden oreos? um if i’m going to spend calories on a cookie it sure won’t be some kind of… prepackaged nonsense

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? rainbow 

what shirt are you wearing? wearin a loose knit dress. it’s olive and strappy

what is your phone background?pic of my sweet dog :’)))

are you outgoing or shy?easily irritated and anxious

do you like it when people play with your hair?no

do you like your neighbors? they are what they are

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?i wash it in the shower but if i wash it too much it will dry out

have you ever been high? no

have you ever been drunk? no

last thing you ate? i had a steak burrito for lunch?? that was like 10 hours ago i should probably eat something else

favorite lyrics right now“all i need’s a whisper in a world that only shouts”or“in a place that’s safe from harm, but i have been blessed with a wilder mind”

summer or winter?why aren’t autumn or spring options

day or night? dusk

dark, milk, or white chocolate? dark

favorite month? october or may

what is your zodiac signtaurus lol

who was the last person you cried in front of? i actually cannot remember 

[ecotone99]

[RF] Pale in Comparison

Winter had sucked all the color out of the world.

The prairie in the glory of midsummer had been a surge of green, summer winds sending pulses through the tall grass, causing it to wave like an underwater kelp forest in a strong current. Now, however, it had relinquished its blooming majesty, its former radiance dulled to straw the color of a deerhide. The flowerheads were stripped of their colorful identities, appearing like sepia photographs of themselves; the ghosts of summer past. The sweetclover, which had extended from one horizon to the other back in June, covering the prairie in a blanket of gold, was now skeletonized, its broken-off stems rolling like tumbleweeds in the winter gales.

Trevor was over it. Another South Dakota winter, another four months until the snows would cease and the ice would melt in the creek. In March and April, the spring blizzards would bury the world and on the subsequent sunny days, the combination of blue sky and white land would be startling, like finding oneself living in the center of a bicolored flag.

But for now, a capricious midwinter thaw had left snowdrifts only in the prairie draws, on the north-facing ridges, in the shadows of the ponderosas that speckled the hills. And around the trailer, mud. In a few nights, a deep freeze would turn the sides of the tire ruts into knife edges, testing the suspension of any vehicle that took the approach too fast. Still, that was better than the loamy mud, which could imprison even a 4x4 until freezing cold or drying winds finally freed it.

The view from the front porch could be gorgeous. Back in July, when the church group from Virginia had constructed a wheelchair ramp for the trailer, the evening sun had set the prairie on fire, its light reflected by a thunderstorm hanging in the sky as if by a puppeteer’s strings. “God almighty,” the youth pastor had exclaimed. But now, grays and browns mingled in a decidedly drab palette. Over at the little bird feeder, the goldfinches were no longer yellow-and-black exclamation points, but had acquiesced to dullness, dressed for a time of year when vibrant color seemed to be outlawed by some unseen authority.

Trevor stared at the expanse of mud that spooled out from in front of the trailer and unwound into a ribbon that led over the hill toward the old sundance ground and, eventually, the paved road. He wondered if he would get out today. Always a calculation this time of year. Driving on the muddy channel that was his approach was out of the question; he would set a course across the grass, which would provide enough barrier to keep his tires from sinking in again. Two-tracks radiating out onto the prairie showed how many times he and his family had taken this course of action since the last snow.

It felt ironic that their approach took them by far the long way around – heading north to go south; harder than it needed to be, like so much of life around here. But the way south was blocked by Roanhorse Creek. This wasn’t all bad; the creek provided nice wading in the summer and water for the horses for most of the year. It also gave rise to the only trees on the property, although the cottonwoods whose leaves whispered in the summer breezes now stood dumb and impassive, and resembled skeletal wraiths at nighttime.

A horse would make it, of course. He could saddle up the buckskin, ride cross-country and be in town in twenty minutes. But that would be silly…he snorted at the ludicrousness of this thought. First of all, he had to go way beyond town today. And even if he were just going to his old job at the tribal building, was he supposed to just hitch it up outside for the day? Tie its reins to one of the smokers’ benches by the entrance? What was this, 1895? No, better not to risk TȟatéZi getting stolen or having some gang sign spraypainted on it or some shit. Besides, he needed to pull into his job interview looking halfway decent, not spattered with mud and smelling like horse sweat.

Trevor regarded his truck, sitting smack in the middle of the sloppy mess. Fuck, he thought.

Still, he didn’t really have a choice today. No job interview, no job. No job, no funds. Another calculation, but this one was straightforward. He went back into the trailer and made his way to his bedroom in the back, passing his brothers in the living room. One was sleeping on the couch and the other was crashed out in the recliner, oblivious to the flickering hearth of the muted TV. Let ‘em sleep today, Trevor thought.

In the bedroom, he stepped across piles of clothes – some clean, some dirty – and over the miscellany of his life; a pile of old DVDs, a defunct gaming console, a canister of Bugler and squares of broadcloth for the tobacco ties he was supposed to make for ceremony, a scattering of empty Mountain Dew cans, a 24-pack of ramen, a basketball.

He hunted around in his closet for the dressy clothes that he knew were there. He had worn them once, on the day of his high school graduation, three years before. And there they were; a purple button-down shirt, a solid black tie, and black chinos. Further rummaging found him a pair of brown loafers and a tan braided belt. He would look sharp for this interview – couldn’t hurt.

Trevor took a quick shower. The hot water always took forever to come and once it did, didn’t last long. He got dressed hurriedly, glad the tie that had come as a set with the shirt was a clip-on, and ran a comb through his hair. It wasn’t long enough to do much with other than backcomb it a little with some hair gel, but he figured that looked better than not. He considered putting in big stud earrings to look extra fly, but decided again it; might not be the right look for the occasion.

Now fully dressed and ready, Trevor took stock of his appearance. His summer tan was long gone and his skin was as pale as the white kids he had met during his one semester of college. The same change of season that had desaturated the prairie and garbed the birds in dull colors had undone all those days spent out in the badlands sun – working with the horses, swimming at the dam, helping keep fire at sundance. Too many French fur traders in his lineage. He recalled the book that his eighth grade teacher had assigned them – Part-time Indian or something – and thought, Yup, that’s me. Indian in the summer and wašiču in the winter, like changing plumage.

Trevor envied his brothers their melanin. He had learned that word in one of his college classes and now thought of it nearly every day. Travis was a rich brown complexion even in the dark days of midwinter. Trenton was in between the two but had jet-black Lakota hair and definitely looked “ethnic,” enough to be followed around stores in the border towns. Trevor knew it was his privilege to be exempt from such treatment, but it bugged him nonetheless. He hadn’t asked to be light-skinned. His brothers called him žiží – a reference to his tawny hair. They had gotten into scraps over this, and Trevor even bloodied Travis’ nose in one such altercation. Once one of them had even called Trevor a “half-breed” but Trevor retorted with “Fuck you, boy, you got the same blood as me. Fuckin’ dumbass.” This seemed to put the issue to rest.

Trevor’s brief stint at college had been at an out-of-state school, which now struck him as an ill-advised decision. At least South Dakotans had some experience with Natives. Even the East River kids had at least crossed paths with one at some point, and didn’t think of Indians as something from the pages of a dime novel. Trevor was the first Native in many years – maybe ever – to attend the small-town liberal arts college in a neighboring state. He thought the fact that the college was reasonably selective would mean that the students were smart enough not to ask dumb questions. He was wrong.

The queries were predictable enough, clichéd even; Are you really Indian? (Yes) Do you speak your language? (No) Did you get in because you’re Indian? (Who knows? I’m pretty smart and got good grades.) Does the college have admissions quotas for Indians? (If it did, you’d think more would go here.) What’s it like on the reservation? (I don’t know; different.) Do you prefer “Native American”? (I find the question annoying, to be honest.) Do you like Leslie Marmon Silko? (Who?) Have you seen Dances with Wolves? (Some of it.) Do you know a guy from Pine Ridge named Verdell? He used to work with my dad. (Maybe) His last name was something Horse. Running Horse? (No)

Fielding these questions was exhausting and added another layer of weariness and alienation to his college experience.

He found himself having to answer such inquiries from his roommate, classmates, professors, his R.A…Sometimes they were cloaked in well-meaning concern (I bet you get tired of all these questions, huh?) but they were always there. Most evenings, Trevor would retreat to his room and call his mom. His roommate, Skyler, a cross-country runner who was handsome in an unspectacular way and who monitored his water intake religiously, was hardly ever around. He seemed to have no trouble making friends in college and reveled in the social opportunities around him.

In his phone calls back home, Trevor found himself experiencing a homesickness that inhabited the pit of his stomach like a hunger pang. He had never been gone from home for that long. Really, his only trip away had been the summer before his senior year, to a weeklong STEM camp for Native kids that one of the state colleges had put on. But that had been with a half dozen other students from his high school. Here he was alone.

The subjects of their conversations would leave Trevor feeling a gravitational pull toward home: Trenton got into a fight at school and got suspended. Travis is drinking again. We had sweat for your auntie because they have to amputate her leg after all. Those dogs were back again. Everett hit $200 at the casino on Tuesday night but of course he put it all back in. They’re having a basketball tournament for that boy who got paralyzed in that wreck. Our hot water heater went out but uncle came and fixed it. They still haven’t found that Two Arrows girl that went missing. Travis wants to go up on the hill this spring – maybe that will get him to quit drinking.

Good news, bad news, mundane news…The latter tugged at him the most. Like many who grew up on Pine Ridge, he had a love-hate relationship with the reservation. It was the home of his people after all, and could be so beautiful (“God’s country,” as it was called by even those who had no time for the white man’s God). But the hardships, the tragedies, the death…it all wore away at your spirit, hardened you. Still, the news of day-to-day life going on in his absence; a school powwow, a bingo tournament, tribal council drama, rumors of a Dairy Queen opening. It made him miss home in an ineffable way.

The last vestige of his indecision evaporated after a particular conversation in the lounge of his dorm. He had been sitting on a beanbag chair, discussing random topics with two friends (at least, he considered them friends, in some ill-defined adolescent way). They had all left a dull party that hadn’t livened up even after a couple of drinks, but still felt heady and obligated to prolong the night a little longer. So, they were shooting the shit, in a garishly-lit common space that smelled of burnt popcorn, and Trevor was feeling rather collegiate. An off-campus party, late-night conversation; weren’t these the trappings of university life that he had seen in teen movies, if a much more prosaic version?

Kayleigh, tipsy off Jäger bombs, started the chain of events that would unravel his college experience with a simple, but pointed question: “How Indian are you, anyway?”

Colton snorted at this comment. “Kay, you can’t just ask that!” But he was clearly more amused than disapproving.

“You mean like my blood quantum or what?” Trevor asked.

“Is that what you guys call it?” said Kay, now playing the innocent party. “I just mean, like, you say you’re Indian, I mean like I know you are, like, I know you are on paper…” The alcohol was causing her to trip over her words but she plowed on. “I mean like, okay, if I were to like, run into you on the street…” Kay was now gesturing expansively, as if the meaning of what she was saying wasn’t explicit from words alone. “Like, I wouldn’t be like, ‘Damn, look at that Indian,’ right? I’d just assume you were a white guy. I mean you know what I mean? Ugh, I’m not making sense.”

She was making perfect sense. Colton looked embarrassed, and for a second, Trevor thought he might shut Kay down. But instead, his inhibition similarly worn down by a few shots of German 70-proof, he followed suit. “I think what Kay’s drunk ass is trying to say is, like, your ancestors are Indians, right, like in the history books. Like Geronimo or whatever. But do you consider yourself one of them? Or are you, like, their descendant?”

Trevor could feel the ball of rage growing within him, a sea urchin radiating spikes in his gut. Stop talking, he thought. Just stop talking.

Colton continued, heedlessly. “Okay, so like I’m Irish but I’m not like Irish Irish, like a leprechaun or some shit. Like my ancestors…”

Trevor stood up, his fists balled. He was now stone-cold sober but his anger was its own intoxicant. “It’s none of your fucking business. It’s none of your business what the fuck I am!” He was shouting; he couldn’t help it. He picked up a half-empty can of PBR and threw it at the wall, slamming the door to the lounge on his way out. The sudsy contents of the can leaked onto the ugly orange dorm carpet, as Kayleigh and Colton sat in stunned silence.

“Jesus,” said Colton finally. “Just trying to ask an honest question.”

After that, Trevor had holed up in his room for a few days, skipping classes and avoiding other students. When he told his mom he was dropping out, she hardly sounded surprised. He knew she would be glad to have him back home; the prodigal son returning. Trevor, the one who had his shit together, who had gone to a STEM camp and was almost salutatorian. He knew she thought that once he got back, he could do what she couldn’t; get Travis on a better path, bring another income to the household, fix what needed to be fixed around the trailer, shoot at the stray dogs when they came around. It would all fall to him. His failure was their blessing; they would lean on him as long as he could stand.

So here we fucking go, he now thought, patting his gel-stiffened hair and giving himself one last hazel-eyed glance in the mirror. Gotta get that bread. His brief stint at the tribal building hadn’t panned out. He was a good worker but wet weather made his road too sloppy to get out easily. Too many latenesses had translated into a pink slip. “Shit man we all got bad roads. Gotta leave earlier,” his boss had said.

So, lesson learned, he was giving himself extra time getting ready for this interview. Really, the lady had just told him to come by “around mid-morning,” so he’d probably be okay. The job was off-rez, down at the county livestock auction and sale barn in one of the closest border towns, “white towns,” as Ridgers called it. It was mostly going to be paperwork – inventory and itemizing and that kind of shit – but it was decent pay and Trevor hoped that he could transition over to working with the animals before long. On most days, he preferred their company to dumbass people.

Grabbing his bag, Trevor stuck the loafers inside with his other miscellany. He would need to wear his cowboy boots across the muddy expanse between the bottom step of the porch and the door to his Blazer so he jammed his feet into them. Outside, he walked gingerly so as not to stain his black slacks with muck. Once in the driver’s seat, he figured he would leave the boots on for the drive, since they were already smearing mud on the floor liner, and in case he got stuck and needed to get out. Trevor knew that the people who worked at the sale barn were as countrified as he was and wouldn’t judge muddy boots under most circumstances, but he also knew that being from Pine Ridge meant he had to put his best foot forward, literally in this case.

Trevor fired up the Blazer, put it in four low, and gunned it. His tires found grip and he jerked along, slimy divots of earth spattering his windows and roof like hail. His windshield wipers left a pasty smear that obscured much of his view, but he practically knew the way by feel. As soon as he could, he bumped up onto the grass, gopher holes and clumps of prairie bluestem jolting his ride, testing what was left of his suspension. When he finally hit the pavement, the smoothness was startling as it always was, like a TV being suddenly muted, like silence after a door slamming.

He cruised through town, passing the gas station, the other gas station, the commod building, the quonset hut, the old BIA headquarters…and turned south into Nebraska. He tried to ignore the persistent squeal under the hood that had gotten worse lately. The overcast sky reflected the dullness of the land – as below, so above – and Trevor alternated between zoning out and counting hawks on telephone poles. A handful of miles south of the border, the vehicle gave a jolt and Trevor felt a temporary loss of control. He hit the brakes and steered toward the shoulder, but the Blazer was suddenly steering like an army tank. Fuck, he whispered.

Once he wrestled Blazer off the road, Trevor got out and popped the hood. He already knew what he would find under the rising steam. “Fucking serpentine belt,” he hissed to the universe. Trevor was good with cars but he didn’t have the tools for this fix. Luckily, he thought, out here in the country, somebody who did would be by soon. Lots of Natives on this road, maybe even a cousin would happen by who could at least give him a ride to town. Trevor thought of calling his dad’s brother Everett on his cell, but figured he’d give it a bit. He hated the thought of owing Uncle Ev anything.

Sure enough, in a few minutes, a gunmetal gray truck passed by slowly, hit a u-turn, and pulled up behind him. Trevor felt a twinge of envy over this late-model Dodge Ram MegaCab with duallies. It had county plates on it, so the cowboy-hatted driver was a local guy, and as he got out, his Carhartt overalls and mud-caked boots identified him as a rancher.

“Trouble?” MegaCab asked, giving Trevor an easy smile.

“Serpentine belt busted,” said Trevor, unconsciously smoothing out his rez accent in favor of a more neutral affectation. Code-switching – another term he had learned at college (by the professor who asked him if he prefers “Native American”).

“No shit, huh?” MegaCab considered this information. “I got nothing for that but I could give you a ride somewhere. You call anyone? Someone coming after you?”

“No,” said Trevor. “I’m trying to get down to the sale barn for a job interview.”

MegaCab looked at Trevor as if for the first time. “Oh ok so that’s why you’re all fancied up. Well, hop in if you don’t mind leaving it here.”

Trevor considered this. He was off the rez so there was less of a chance that the Blazer would end up with busted windows or slashed tires. And he was eager to get his interview over and done with.

Before he could answer, MegaCab added “I have to stop in Whiteclay first but then I’ll take you down.”

This was only a few miles out of the way so Trevor assented and climbed into the rancher’s idling behemoth. It still retained some new-truck smell, mixed with a tinge of manure and rich earth. Really, it was almost luxurious.

MegaCab flipped a u-ey again and headed back north toward Whiteclay. Formerly notorious for copious alcohol sales to people from the dry reservation whose border it sat on, Whiteclay’s package stores had been shuttered after the state had revoked their liquor licenses following years of protests over their depredatory business model. Now, it was just a town of a couple small stores and fewer than a dozen permanent residents, its streets empty of vagrants, its ghosts banished.

“So, you from Hot Springs?”

Trevor momentarily wondered where this question had come from, and then remembered that he had 27-plates on the Blazer – Fall River County, a relic of when he bought the car from a white lady over there. He had kept the off-county registration because the plates were far less likely to get you pulled over off-rez than the infamous 65s of Oglala Lakota County.

MegaCab continued without waiting for an answer. “I used to go up to Hot Springs a lot when my dad was in the V.A. hospital up there. Nice town.”

“Yup, it’s pretty nice,” said Trevor, wondering if he would have to sustain this small talk the whole way.

Luckily, MegaCab took it from there, reminiscing about his high school football team dealing Hot Springs a particularly lopsided loss, and then they were at Whiteclay. Trevor played around on his phone while his driver of the moment went into the little grocery store. He looked up his old roommate Skyler on Facebook (why, he didn’t know; certainly not to friend him) and then Googled “Pine Ridge South Dakota Dairy Queen” just to see if there was any truth to that rumor.

MegaCab returned with some mail – Trevor had forgotten that there was a little post office in there – and they turned south toward Rushville.

Two miles and five hawks-on-telephone-poles into their trip, MegaCab got chatty again:

“I still can’t believe that the state revoked the liquor licenses. They had no legal right to do that of course, but just like everyone else these days, they bowed to the pressure from liberal special interest groups. Those store owners – my brother was one of them – followed the damn law to a T but still got their rights taken away. They’re the real victims in all of this.”

Trevor, whose father was found dead in Whiteclay when Trevor was ten years old, didn’t answer.

“You know it’s just going to push the problem down the road. These Indians are gonna get their liquor one way or another. You guys must see that all the time up in Hot Springs.”

These Indians. You guys. Trevor suddenly recognized MegaCab’s presumption, and wondered when if he should correct it.

“If they wanted to buy millions of cans of beer in Whiteclay every year and drink themselves to death, shit, I say let ‘em. It’s a free country, right? Those AIM types are always going on about Native rights and shit, y’know? Well shit, you have the right to drink and die if you want. Not saying that I want that for those people or anything, but the nanny state can’t be protecting everyone from problems of their own making.”

Trevor, whose brother had first gotten jailed for drunk and disorderly at age 14, two years after their father died, said nothing.

MegaCab continued to rhapsodize about “the Indians” and their problems, adopting the tone of an expert, one who knew all about them. Trevor felt the blood rise to his face. Some coloration at least, he thought darkly. In the pit of his stomach, the sea urchin had returned to stab at his insides. What must it be like, he wondered, to live a life in which people aren’t constantly telling you who you are, naming your characteristics like symptoms, trying to trap you like a spirit in a photograph?

The Blazer came in sight on the shoulder ahead. “Can you let me out at my ride?” Trevor asked, his voice hardly recognizable to his own ear, like hearing himself talk underwater.

“Sure, you need to grab something out of it?” said MegaCab, reluctantly pausing his diatribe.

“No it’s okay,” replied Trevor, “I’m gonna call someone to come help me fix this after all.” He fiddled with his phone as if to underscore this intention.

“Well, if you’re sure,” said MegaCab. “And hey,” he added as Trevor stepped down onto the running board. “You be careful around here. One of these rezzers might see you here all by yourself and try to mess you or your car up. And watch out for drunk drivers. You just never know with these Indians.” MegaCab gave a serious nod to accentuate this show of concern. Then he wished Trevor luck and drove off.

Trevor watched the truck recede into the distance until it was merely a gray speck between the monochrome earth and the steely sky. He sat down in the cold front seat of the Blazer and looked into the rearview mirror. Hazel eyes stared back at him under a pale forehead. Fuck it, he thought; people are dumbasses. Let ‘em believe what they want; that he was from Hot Springs, that could be was related to that Apache, Geronimo, that he was only Indian on paper. Trevor saw what they didn’t; the hidden depths beneath the surface, and in their faces, in the spaces between their words, their ignorance displayed like a tattoo.

In another minute or two, he would call Uncle Ev for a ride. In another hour or two, he would be offered a job at the sale barn that would bring another income into his household (and buy him a new serpentine belt). In another day or two, he would finally finish the tobacco ties for ceremony, at which he would pray for Travis’ sobriety and his auntie’s diabetes. In another month or two, the lengthening of the days would be unmistakable.

Spring would come as it always had, first heralded by a single meadowlark piercing the predawn silence with his song. This would be followed by a green sprig on the prairie, pushing up, perhaps, through snow. Then a cluster of pasqueflowers appearing suddenly on a hillside, a skein of geese overhead, sheet lightning on the horizon. Small miracles, one after another. Finally, color would surge back into the world like paint scintillating on a canvas, causing goldfinches to glow like stars and evening thunderheads to stand like towering fires.

The brilliant Dakota sunlight would stoke the melanin in Trevor’s skin, and nobody would mistake who he was. He would go up on the hill for two days and nights with Travis that spring, and Trenton would keep fire for them. He would pray for the coming year, for the survival of his people, for enough blessings to outweigh the hardships. And there, among a sea of undulating green, facing the crimson blaze of sunrise, he would again know himself and find the strength to carry on, in the face of all the peculiar indignities of this world.

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