#also i get to project onto whoever i want. as a treat. happy pride

[mothric]

b99 was a comfort show years ago but I never made it past two seasons so I started watching it again from the beginning and I just gotta say ppl who think "jake peralta is bi" is a recent theory are kidding themselves

[anxiousnerdwritings]

well imagine yandere alicent finding out that thanks to daemon sickly!younger!brother! reader's! He had a son with another woman whom the reader adores because well, he is his only son even though he was a "bastard", reader perhaps he wants to legalize his son and give the mother a place in the palace, what do you also think of the reaction of the children and the blacks?

Tw: Brief mentions of plotting the death of a child and murder in general

Alicent would feel so betrayed and enraged that another woman and child are getting what she has so longed for and what her own child with the brother deserves most of all from the Reader. She would hate Daemon to no end for doing this to her and her beloved child. She would even accuse the woman of having taken advantage of the Reader, basically projecting her own actions onto the other woman. One thing is for sure, Alicent would never accept or even feign acceptance towards this other child of her darling. She’ll loathe the child more than she does Rhaenyra’s children. Nothing could ever bring her to tolerate her darling’s bastard and they are a bastard, especially in her eyes. Even if the Reader were to marry the other woman and have the child legitimized, Alicent would never not see anything but a bitch in heat and a bastard whenever she saw them. Especially if the Reader were to actually marry said other woman. Gods forbid that ever happens, over her dead body.

There’s no doubt in my mind that Alicent would enlist Larys to have the other woman and child killed. She wouldn’t feel the least bit remorseful in doing so, even when seeing her darling’s saddened reaction to the news. Hell, even if her darling were to fall into a depression because of it, Alicent still wouldn’t regret going to the lengths that she did. She would still be there to care for and bring life back into the Reader, their own child right by her side all the while to replace the bastard one. Alicent may even come out to the Reader and tell him the truth about their child together, albeit it won’t be the exact truth. She still has to make herself look somewhat decent in this situation.

Daemon would be so incredibly proud of himself and the look on Alicent’s face would be so worthwhile when everything comes out. Honestly, Daemon’s shit eating grin would be enough to haunt Alicent for the rest of her days. And it will. I can even see Daemon and Rhaenyra encouraging the Reader to legitimize his ‘bastard’ child, knowing it’ll hurt and eat at Alicent the most. I can’t help but imagine Daemon and Rhaenyra putting much time into picking out the best woman for the Reader. Even if they aren’t expecting her being around too much longer after she’s done her job giving the Reader a child, they still want whoever the mother of their Uncle’s/Brother’s child is to be of a certain standard. Not to mention if they just had a whore do it, Alicent would use that against them and the Reader, especially concerning the child.

Rhaenyra and Daemon would pretty much be on the same page. Whether they actually like this other woman or not they’re going to accept her and the child with open arms just to piss off Alicent and to make the Reader happy. Not only would it be a reminiscent of and a slight to how Alicent was treated when she first married Viserys but also the new feelings she has this time around regarding the Reader would have Alicent all the more affected. Rhaenyra would have a big part in helping choose the woman to begin with so she would also take great pride in watching Alicent and her children’s reactions, particularly Alicent and Aegon’s reactions the most. And you can bet she’ll have her children befriend and be the best to this ‘bastard’ child of the Reader. Jace, Luke, Joffrey, Baela and Rhaena would also be taught to be overprotective of said ‘bastard’ child. They’ll support, love and encourage this child so much. And Alicent would be forced to watch it all until she hit her breaking point. Also, Rhaenyra would have every intention to legitimize the Reader’s ‘bastard’ child when she’s supposed to take over the throne. I can see her even bringing it up to Alicent and mentioning it in passing that it would be the first thing she’ll do for her ailing Uncle when she becomes Queen.

I think Aegon would take this the worst. Honestly, him and Aemond would both take it pretty bad but Aegon would be more vocal about it. He, much like his mother, would not accept this new child. It was already tasking having to accept his most recent sibling who is actually the child of his favorite Uncle. Speaking of which, Aegon would treat that child much better than he ever would this newest edition and that’s saying something. If Alicent didn’t get to them first, Aegon would also have the other woman and child killed. He already has to deal with the competition of his own siblings and the newest one to boot, he’s not just going to tolerate some random woman and a bastard child coming into the picture now.

Aemond doesn’t take well to this on multiple levels. Not only is he going off of his own jealousy of this new child getting the outward attention and love of the closest thing he’s had to a father, Aemond is also furious for how his mother is being treated in this situation and what this all means for her. He may have not been or felt the best when Alicent was pregnant with the Reader’s child. Of course he had his own resentment for said child and how his mother treated that entire pregnancy and how she continues to treat his youngest sibling, but he’d be damned if he allowed this new whore to come in with her bastard. He wouldn’t treat this new child too well, outside of the presence of his beloved Uncle/surrogate-father-figure of course.

Aemond may even take the approach of being a ‘good and thoughtful’ cousin/older sibling role for this ‘bastard’ child. Pretending to care for the child and offering to take care of it for the mother and or the Reader, only to ‘lose’ or have said child ‘stolen’ from him during the process. When in actuality he did something to it himself. Probably having fed the child to Vhagar or even dumped it in the sea, or maybe he even handed it off to some stranger. At least in the last scenario there could be a chance of survival for the child. Overall, Aemond would be ruthless in this situation. Although, Aegon and Alicent would both have the same thought and plan to get rid of the other woman and child, Aemond would be the one more than willing to carry the deed out himself with his very own hands. (Though, if desperate and spiteful enough Alicent would poison both the woman and child herself.)

Honestly, Helaena would probably be the only one to actually try and treat the new mother and child with any kind of humanity. She would be more than happy to accept this newest child if it was for her beloved Uncle/father-figure. I mean Helaena could live without the other woman around but she’ll still come off as more welcoming than anyone else on the Green’s side. She would even insist that her own children with Aegon could play with and become friends with the child. She may end up scaring away the other woman with some of the things she says but she can’t help that. Even if she might be spurting out nonsense to a point just to get the woman to leave, Helaena would still treat her better than the rest of her family. Alicent, Aegon, and Aemond would all be horrified to see her being as accepting as she is. But they won’t let it last long.

If Daeron is around during this situation and isn’t off at Oldtown, I think he would also come off as accepting of the situation but he would just be playing it up for the Reader. He wouldn’t really be accepting of it or welcoming to the fact whatsoever but he wouldn’t want to be seen as anything but cordial and gentlemanly, especially in the eyes of the man he viewed as a father. Daeron wouldn’t even bat an eye when news of the other woman and child having perished or disappeared altogether came about. But he would be there along with his siblings and mother to console and comfort the Reader while he grieved. After all, they were the only family he needed.

I can’t help but love the thought of Viserys still being alive during this and him being so overjoyed for his youngest brother to have a child of his very own. He would have immediately legitimized the child right then and there, treating them the same as Rhaenyra’s children; doting on, supporting of and very protective of them all the same. Alicent would have to watch herself when she goes on her rants, and boy does she rant, about this new woman and child. Viserys won’t tolerate any speak of it whatsoever. Her and their children would have to bite their tongues on the subject when he was around.

[simptasia]

yall got any,,,, Lost character headcanons

my jaw has dropped because that is the broadest question that can be asked of me. like, anon, whoever you are, i love you but for the record im like:

why yes anon i do have lost character headcanons! oh boy! oh golly do i!

jack: 

bi and autistic (thinks he’s straight and neurotypical, the sad bastard. his dad has tried to smoosh him into roles he’s not meant to be. jack gleans that there’s something “wrong” with him but doesn’t understand what’s doing on which just causes more stress and self-loathing)

actually its amazing how much of jack these two things explain because… yeah… that about sums it up

kate:

bi and she’s known it a while (and her and cassidy were literally dating)

it’s implied several times but isn’t made obvious so i guess it’s a headcanon that kate was sexually abused by her bad dad

pregnant with jack’s kid after they banged pre-ajira flight

her and claire are gonna raise kids together and get married

bipolar disorder

can’t fucking cook

has a fear of domesticity due to her upbringing and the fear that she’ll end up like her mom (and this is a big part of her issues with relationships in general. that and she feels she doesn’t deserve to be happy)

it’s canon that she projected her Bad Dad onto sawyer, so logically… naturally… i can assume she projected her Good Dad onto jack. sad

charlie:

bi and a trans man (known he’s a boy since he was 5. his family were very accepting of this. it’s other people in life that were not. like at school)

histrionic personality disorder

it would require several pages of meta/headcanons for me to explain how fucked up charlie is so just trust me on this. quick summary: internalized biphobia, transphobia, slut shaming, catholic guilt, self-harm and a need for attention so desperate it could cause physical pain. this is just the cake, over it is an icing of pride and faux-confidence to cover it all up

well that’s uncomfortable, anyways: fave colour is red, has a sweet tooth and his fave treat is banoffee pie (such a manc)

claire:

bi, didn’t know it until kate

autistic (yeah this legit started because “i think jack is” and thinking about it, the irony of christian shephard spawning autistic kids amuses me)

claire is into astrology so i apply that kinda lifestyle to her in general. like tarot cards… palm reading… yoga… herbal teas. that sorta thing

hurley:

his neurodivergence is canon but never stated, so based upon his symptoms (paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, etc) i feel he has a fictionalized version of schizophrenia. i also think he has depression

i also think he has some kinda learning issue, because he’s consistently shown to have issues spelling things (words involving “y”s trouble him)

i hc him straight but funny story, it was actually an accident: i was thinking about these things and was like “well, to me, it really does feels like hurley just likes girls in that way… whats the word for that?” and i legit paused for several seconds until i realised the word for that is straight. like, i literally forgot straight people existed. so, yeah, just wanted to clear that up

desmond:

he genuinely doesn’t know he’s hot (and that’s terrible) due to ugly duckling syndrome. he was very greasy and oily as a teen. bad hair, bad skin. but over time he got hotter and des just feels the same

bi (discovered things about himself in the army)

bipolar disorder

i got him as a theatre nerd during school all cuz of a throwaday line

his dad abandoned him and his three younger brothers. their mum was already dead at this point

grew up knowing spanish too cuz of his mum. oh and des is the same race as his actor and that’s final (half white, half peruvian)

he wanted to be a doctor to earn a better living for his little bros, but gosh help him, with all he had to juggle, he just didn’t have the grades

daniel:

besides his brain damage issues, also autistic and has anxiety. also synesthesia (of the sounds as colours and colours as sounds variety)

canon dan killed many rats for experiments, MY dan loves rats and has hundreds of them as pets (named after classical musicians) thank you lost for limbo verse, where all my dreams can come true

bi demi (des was his bi awakening)

this is canon, but really fucking loves driveshaft. this boy can say some shit about their music that’d make most people go It’s Not That Deep but fuck the haters, dan has a lot of passion and love in his heart. including for punk-classical experiment fusion, apparently… what a blessing

he’s so touch/affection starved, please help him

also i’ve pretty much given him triciophilia

vegetarian due to texture issues and inability to digest meat

he doesn’t know how to drive

charlotte:

autistic (random i know, i promise this makes sense to me)

bi and in limbo in a polyam relationship with dan n miles

limbo char has a hairless cat named jean luc

speaking of which, huge sci-fi nerd, espech star trek

in my heart i consider all lost ladies to be feminists in one way or another, but char is the most likely to go off about it (aka she’s Outspoken)

think of a language, char can read n speak it. okay this is Kinda canon, but char isn’t a very well explored character so here i am, super exaggerating little canon things. implied to be kinky? now hella kinky. couple mentions of chocolate? she ADORES chocolate now. yep

miles:

depression

aro bi

canon gave me “he’s sad so he’s shitty to people” so i really, really ran with that. because that is a character type that really interests me

it’s so hard for me to talk about miles headcanons without going into paragraphs of emotional analysis meta but im gonna try and keep this short: always had issues connecting with people, victim of ableism, has never had a romantic relationship (and he’s put himself into a ‘’fuck love/romance, it’s bullshit’’ mentality), didn’t finish high school, did porn once, hates his powers but can get some money outta it

post-finale eventually he and richard will be a thing. it’s not easy, but they get there. marriage and two kids. claire’s their surrogate

loves ghostbusters

also thinking about it, i’ve made miles the kinkiest. hardcore masochist (and i did this before i noticed miles jokingly going “this is hot” to kate choking him so like, go figure)

i see a punk boy with 15 face piercings, i think… he didn’t stop there

also i have him have tattoos too but i dunno what

i value friendships i imagine miles having with the women of lost. like naomi and char on the boat and in limbo. juliet during dharma times. kate and claire post-finale. like in my mind these are great and interesting friendships/dynamics and i love them but they got no coverage in canon. like, imagine any of these things. it’s so good??? so good

richard:

he and isabella were trying to have kids for years but she miscarried several times, so that’s why they didn’t have kids

he was 40 when his aging stopped. i chose this age so i could have a nice easy number to do maths with, since richard was ageless for 140 years, making him 180 by the finale. feels comfy. (also nessie was 39-42 when he played richard so this choice isn’t like, insulting)

yes he is 150 years older than miles and he feels very guilty about that

bi demi

the actual biological dad to daniel faraday. richard was detached and celibate for a hella long time until 1962 wherein he and eloise started to have an affair (because of love, richard is a good boy) which promptly ended when their son literally died right in front of their eyes

also they buried him

loves roller coasters and gardening

he doesn’t live in the Real World but he isn’t clueless about how things are changed. richard’s basically just an old guy. he’s evolved as people have evolved. eg. no, he wouldn’t be carrying any leftover sexism, racism or homophobia from the 1800s. that’s not how that works. he used to have these prejudices but he got better as society got better

in general it’s a helluva thing that richard bore witness to humanity changing so rapidly. like, 1867 to 2007? HOLY SHIT thats huge! both the technological and social aspects would’ve been enormous. so logically richard would have to be very adaptive to cope with this (it helps that he seems inclined to do whatever he’s told, even to the point of irrationality)

over time, see so many people die, he decided to emotional distance himself from the rest of the others

im missing, like, a lot of people. and like, theres more. of course there’s more. i write lost fic in my head all the time, i just never get it down. but uh anyways i lost interest in writing this clump of lists a while ago. so here ya go

also 

simptasia.tumblr.com/tagged/lost+headcanons

simptasia.tumblr.com/tagged/lost+text+posts

and also my search function. have fun

[delkios]

Fightstarter Karaoke (DC TV)

Oh, I have an idea for a silly, quick fic! 5K words later... Title from the song by Dropkick Murphys. Title: Fightstarter Karaoke (AO3) Fandom: DC TV Rating: PG-13 Word Count: 5237 Characters: Len, Mick, Lisa Summary: Mick does not approve of Len's diet and decides to start up a wager.

Living with Mick is the fucking worst. It's not actually- even trying to cram two grown men into a shitty one bedroom with a crappy sofa bed and crappier mattress, it's better than living with Lewis. But staying in the same place as someone he doesn't have to tread lightly around quickly became a game of 'Is This Habit A Previously Unknown Pet Peeve of Len's'. Mick is horrendously good at that game. He leaves wet towels on floors or counters, switches television channels in the middle of a show, puts his dirty projects on the table and hoards trinkets both valuable and not. Which isn't hypocritical of Len at all because at least Len organizes his stolen hoard and not just shoves them into whatever free space is available.

Len's aware, of course, that this is a two-way street and Mick doesn't hesitate to bitch about which of Len's habits is driving him up the wall this time: talking- making legitimate criticisms! -over shows and movies, putting his booted feet on everything, letting Lisa stay over for days at a time. Her staying Mick never actually minds, it's Len's tendency of informing Mick of this by dropping Lisa's bag on his stomach and kicking him off the least lumpy side of a sofa.

And his eating habits. Nothing gets Mick fuming like seeing what crap Len puts in his mouth. It comes to a head one day when Mick gets back from a grocery run and catches Len squeezing ketchup packets into a bowl of macaroni. Mick glowers at him and says, "You better be done with that by the time I finish putting refrigerated stuff away."

Mick doesn't get mad often- the kind that's not for show -and Len shovels his food down obediently. He knows from experience that Mick will toss out Len's food mid-meal and make him eat something healthier. He finishes barely a minute before Mick stomps over and towers over Len, arms folded and glaring- it's a testament to their relationship that Len doesn't feel compelled to shrink away from him.

"We," Mick says like an order, "are going to wager."

Len blinks owlishly, uncertain as to where this was headed. "On what?"

"Whoever wins our next fight gives the loser an instruction and they have to keep doing that until the next fight."

Granted, Len is very much aware of the fact he's been ducking out of these training bouts with Mick despite needing to be a better fighter and not just taking a hit which he's worryingly good at. And he always did think betting made things more interesting but, "Fuck no- you're always gonna win!"

Mick just gives a mean grin. "Incentive to make you fight harder."

True but Len isn't about to bet on certain loss. "No," he says firmly.

The following week is hell. Mick leaves his clothes everywhere, lets dirty dishes fester on the table, keeps the windows open a crack so bugs can get in, plays his music obnoxiously loud even through headphones. What makes it worse is the fact Len knows Mick is doing all this deliberately, so Len will be compelled to take the bet in the miraculous event he wins and could order some sort of reprieve for a while.

Len comes back to the apartment one day to find Mick on the sofa with his dick out and porn on the tv. Mick masturbating to bad porn isn't a surprising thing though he- like Len -usually does that in the bedroom like decent fucking people. Nor is it far from the first time he's seen Mick rubbing one off- time in prison aside, if one or both of them are horny but too lazy to go prowling, they have no problems popping in porno in the video player and jacking off right next to each other. But to have Mick doing so on the sofa, right in front of the door, is a shock. If he'd had Lisa with him, Len would have been livid- distantly he's aware that Mick knows she's at camp for a few months but the point still stands.

He slams the door and stomps in, standing between Mick and the screen, glaring. Mick calmly stares right back up at Len, hand still moving over his cock. Len snarls, "You're on."

~*~*~*~

Len's mouth presses into a tight, unhappy line as Mick puts a plate of something not greasy, mostly green and easy on his still-sore jaw in front of him.

"Eat," Mick orders and Len, for the third day in a row, forces himself to pick up his fork.

He chokes down the first bite. "When are we fighting again." It's more demand than question.

Mick grins, feral and happy. "Whenever you want, buddy."

~*~*~*~

The second time Mick wins by default because Len dislocates a finger punching his stupidly sturdy jaw. It's treated in short order- neither are strangers to dislocated joints -and the next time, before the fight, Mick sits Len down and tells him to hold out his hand. Len, not having a reason not to, does as he's told and Mick starts wrapping a long strip of cloth around his thumb, working his way up Len's hand. After Mick finishes with one, he asks, "Too tight or loose?"

Len looks at his wrapped hand, flexing his fingers. It's tight but not constricting, the wrap between his fingers an odd sensation but not uncomfortable. He tries to rotate his wrist, a little difficult with all the material but it's there for support, after all. "Good," he says simply and holds the second out.

It's done in fairly short order, Mick going on to wrap his own hands after. Len never wrapped his hands before. Then again he fights when he has to and not to blow off energy or to keep himself occupied like Mick does. Mick secures the end and smashes his wrapped knuckled together, grinning viciously. "Ready to lose?"

Len smirks, "Pride goes before the fall, Mick."

After, Mick hands a bag of frozen peas to Len. The lack of tenderness to his knuckles is a nice distraction to the pain to his face. "Give that to me when it's thawed," Mick tells him.

"Why? Gonna give me the frozen corn, next?"

"No, it's gonna be part of dinner tonight."

Len makes a face and grouses but keeps the bag pressed to his inevitable bruises.

~*~*~*~

Mick stands on the other side of the table, having already cleared away his dishes, and stares at Len as he pushes around the remains of his own meal. He's eaten just about everything but the broccoli. "You're always like this with the vegetables," Mick growls, glaring at his partner. "Stop being such a damn baby and eat them."

"If they weren't slimy and disgusting, I would."

"You gotta fucking eat them, Len. You're a goddamn twig."

"That's because you're starving me with these green shit."

"It's healthy!"

Len glares at his plate. "I'd rather get scurvy."

Sensing he isn't going to be winning this particular battle- and Len had scrapped every last bit of mango sauce onto his final bite of salmon -Mick yanks the plate away, leaving Len to hold his fork in the air. "Whatever, don't whine at me when you get rickets."

~*~*~*~

Len stands in the doorway watching Mick watch, of all things, Yan Can Cook. Not just watching, Mick is paying attention. Hell- he's taking notes! Len waits for the commercial break before asking, "What are you doing?"

Mick jumps and curses and his pencil fumbles out of his hand. "Jesus Christ, Snart! Don't do that!"

"Are you going to answer the question?" He presses, unapologetic.

Mick gathers his things and resettles, scowling a little. "What's it look like? I'm trying to find new recipes and thought since you like that Chinese take-out joint, I'd try to make something less greasy."

Len's stunned. "You're watching that for me?"

"If I find something you'll eat, I won't have to waste my time making food you're just gonna throw away."

Oddly touched and subdued as a result, Len edges his way back toward the bedroom door to make an escape. "Okay. I'll, uh, leave you to it."

~*~*~*~

"Lenny!"

He can't help but beam and Lisa runs at him, all but tackling him in a hug. Though he'll never admit it, Len is glad his little sister is unashamed to hug him like that, even as a young teen. When she steps back, though, Lisa's beaming smile softens into puzzlement.

"What?" Len asks, muscles along his spine tensing, alert for anything going wrong.

"You look... different."

"It's only been three months," he chides, "I can't look that different."

"You do, though! Less... skinny. Stronger."

Well, Len has been fighting Mick more regularly, he supposed more muscle mass would be a given. "Mick's been making me eat healthy."

She gives him a disbelieving look. "You don't mean, like, green beans and salads and stuff."

"Yeah, actually."

Lisa's expression is over-the-top horrified and she wraps her arms around Len again, mostly to hide the fact she's about to burst out laughing. "You poor baby!"

"I know."

~*~*~*~

Len wakes up the next morning to the smell of something cooking, something delicious. Beside him, Lisa also stirs, sniffing and licking her lips before she even opens her eyes. "What smells so good?"

"Breakfast," Mick calls out from the kitchen and the siblings are already beginning to gravitate. He's making pancakes. He's making a shitload of pancakes. Normally this is not a problem because the buttermilk pancakes Mick grew up on and was saint enough to share with Len and Lisa are divine on their but this? This is a goddamn smorgasbord of pancakes or all sorts, three stacked to a plate. "Figure since I'm trying to get a wider variety of food in your diet, shouldn't slack off with breakfast, either." He absently points at each plate in turn. "Regular buttermilk, blueberry, chocolate chip, cinnamon, banana, rum raisin, and pecan. For toppings there's whip cream, assorted fruits, honey, powdered sugar and a syrup caddy I lifted from Denny's."

"I've died," Lisa says reverently. "Lenny, I've died and gone to heaven and they have so many pancakes!"

Mick chuckles, "Try eating some before you say that."

She does. They both do. And then they eat everything because it would be a crime to leave even a crumb behind. Then they roll themselves back over to the sofa bed and vegetate because there's nothing they can do to prevent the food coma from descending on them. The last thing Len hears as he dozes off, Lisa tucked under an arm, is Mick's fond chuckle from the kitchen.

~*~*~*~

The night before Lisa's school starts up again- and Lewis is on another bar crawl -Mick suggests going out to a diner, one he'd complained to Len about how greasy it was not a week ago but is also one of Lisa's favorites if not just for the pie.

"Not worried about undoing all that hardwork you've done unclogging my arteries?" Len teases after putting in his order for a half pound hamburger with all the fixings, onion rings and a milkshake. Lisa's own order isn't much better.

Mick just shakes his head- he'd asked for a country fried steak himself, definitely no room to criticize. "I wouldn't trust their vegetables not to be covered in grease anyway."

Lisa huffs at them, kicking her legs up so they're next to Mick's seat and making him wrinkle his nose, "You two are so weird."

~*~*~*~

Len wrinkles his nose- not because of the ribs or potato salad, but because after a couple months absence, broccoli is once again on his plate. He doubts the cheese topping is going to make it any more palatable. He glares up at Mick, "I thought you didn't want to waste your time on food I won't eat."

He rolls his eyes in response. "Just try it, jackass. If you don't like it this time, I promise I won't make broccoli again."

Mick isn't big on making promises but his word is pretty much always good. At least where Len is concerned. Taking a deep, steeling breath, Len gingerly takes a bite, then looks up to Mick in surprise. "This... isn't bad." The fact he pops the rest of it into his mouth reveals how much he's downplaying it.

Mick shrugs a bit, acting like it's not a big deal but Len knows him too well by now. With the way he's shifting, Len knows Mick is bother proud and embarrassed by this. "Just cooked it different is all. Roasted 'em instead of boiling. Think I'm starting to figure out what you don't like so, y'know, hopefully I won't have to force feed you anymore."

"If other vegetables can taste like this, I might not have a problem with that."

~*~*~*~

Lisa frowns, jutting her chin to the leg Len is favoring. "What happened?" She hadn't been too happy when she heard about Len and Mick's new arrangement no matter how many times Len said he'd agreed to it. It probably isn't helped by the fact she found out about it when Len sported a prominent bruise on his jaw. She had cornered Mick the first chance she got and told him if he ever hit Len outside of their matches or hurt him enough to need a doctor (not a hospital, none of the three of them were good about hospitals), Lisa wouldn't hesitate to gut him.

What mollified her most was Mick bluntly saying if it got that bad, he'd personally hand Lisa a loaded gun and get down on his knees in front of her.

Len sighs at his knee. "I tried throwing Mick." Not actual throwing, like Mick is able to do to him, but some judo over-the-shoulder thing one of their drinking buddies had shown them. A seemingly petite woman with a body carved out of stone, she can toss Mick on his back like he weighs nothing.

"Well, that was dumb."

"I didn't get enough leverage, I think. He fell on my leg and twisted my knee." On the positive side, Len now knows not to put his leg there.

Lisa rolls her eyes. "You got in a shot, I hope." The only things she wants to know about these fights are what injuries Len took and if Len got any good hits in before losing.

He can't help beaming proudly. "I broke his nose."

She cackles, "Oooooh, nasty!"

~*~*~*~

Out of habit, Len reaches for his belt before realizing it isn't needed. He looks down at himself, like he'd somehow gotten the wrong body. His jeans feel snug. Not yet constricting, but enough that Len can feel the difference especially in his thighs and butt. For testing purposes, he tries on several other jeans. Most are similar- hugging his backside -while the ones he snagged when Mick outgrew them finally look Len's size. Len's oldest jeans are now so tight he has a bit of flesh puffing out over the edges.

Which is, in and of itself, it's own revelation, having enough flesh to actually puff over edges.

Clad in one of the jeans Len is slightly miffed he can no longer comfortably wear, he marches out to the where Mick is sprawled across the sofa and says, "You're making me fat."

Mick stares at him for a long moment. "What?" He asks eventually, as if Len had been speaking another language.

He rolls his eyes. "All that shit you keep feeding me. It's making me put on weight." He spreads out his arms, demanding Mick look at what he's done. "My pants aren't fitting right!"

Mick sinks down in the sofa, turning his eyes back to the television. "They look fine," he mutters petulantly.

"Pants aren't supposed to pinch organs. It's like wearing a corset on my ass."

If Len didn't know any better, he swears Mick is blushing. "Then buy some new ones. Jesus, ain't like we don't have plenty of money."

Len just sighs and shakes his head, stomping back to his room. Honestly, Mick is so clueless sometimes.

~*~*~*~

Though he will never, ever admit it aloud, Len has come to enjoy the food Mick makes for him. It certainly helps that in those months Mick's cooking repertoire has expanded from 'being able to make basic pasta' to 'the kitchen is stocked with ingredients for a week's worth of meals planned in advance'. But once it gets warm enough to break out the grill... Len doesn't know how his waist line is going to survive, honestly.

About once a week Mick will ease up on the healthy stuff and let Len eat junk food. Or, when they're not going out to eat, as close to junk as Mick is willing to get. This time around, seeing Mick break out both the grill and hamburger buns, Len is almost beside himself with anticipation. And when the first thick, juicy, seared burger is brought before him with all his favorite toppings, Len shoves it in his mouth before the plate is even on the table.

In retrospection, Mick must have had the burgers cooling for some time before serving because with the bite comes a molten flood of flavor. "Oh my God," Len gurgles, pulling it away, stunned to find, in a hollow in the middle of the patty, crispy bacon and caramelized onions and melted cheese. "Oh my God."

Mick grins proudly, "That good, huh?"

"Oh my God," Len says before going in for another mouthful. Sure, he's being a bad Jew but both he and Mick have long since agreed bacon doesn't count.

Mick roars in laughter, flicking a finger at the plate of beans and roasted corn on the cob. "Don't forget, you've got other things to eat."

"Never. Not eating anything else ever again." Len takes a third bite and just barely keeps from moaning. "God, I love you."

That seems to make Mick choke for some reason. He takes a deep swig of his beer and says, "You just like that I feed your scrawny ass." That's part of it but Len is too occupied with his meal to say anything more.

~*~*~*~

That night Len looks himself in the mirror, ignoring the scars and focusing on no longer being able to count his ribs, on the slight layer of fat softening the definition of muscle and just overall looking sturdy rather than lanky like he'd been a scant few months ago. And it's all because of Mick who watches out for him, who puts in the effort to take care of Len even when Len isn't appreciative of it. Mick who will watch cooking shows and struggle with reading books and his own writing to find something Len likes to eat, who laughs loudly when Len fails to hide how much he's come to like Mick's cooking. He thinks about the way Mick looks when he's focused on something, how sure and practiced his hands have gotten in the kitchen and he thinks he can spend hours watching him cook, with a kind of confident grace he only ever gets when fighting or fixing something or with fire. He thinks that if the rest of his life is like these last couple months, he'll be content.

Len's head thunks against the mirror. "Oh God, I love Mick."

~*~*~*~

Len tells Lisa this because he has to tell someone and her reply is a frustrated, "No fucking kidding." She then teases him about it the rest of the time they're together. Len decides he's never going to tell her anything again.

It won't last but it makes him feel vindictively better in that moment.

~*~*~*~

For the most part Len can ignore the sudden revelation. It still comes and goes like a tide of inconvenient feelings but he's confident he has control over it.

"Teach me how to wrap hands," Len says suddenly, as Mick pulls out the strip.

"What?" Mick asks blankly. "Why?" Len knows he isn't asking why he wants to learn but why he's suddenly interested now.

"Because I won't have to sit here and stare at you every time you do it for both of us." Len plucks the cloth from Mick's grasp. "Hold out your hand."

Mostly he has control over those feelings.

Mick does as he's told and Len scoots in until he can feel the heat radiating off Mick's body, probably closer than he needs to be. Mick's instructions are simple, voice low and gruff, correcting every time Len gets caught up with the way his fingers feel skimming over Mick's hand, at the rough callouses on his palm and pads of his fingers, at the thick, hard knuckles along the back. The second one goes a little quicker than the first, mostly because Len had to redo the first hand twice, but when Mick clenches his fists to test the bindings, he grunts in approval.

"You wanna try doing your own hands?"

Len holds his hand out without hesitation. "Equal partnership, equal workload."

Mick snorts but takes Len's hand. "Whatever, lazy bastard."

~*~*~*~

It's late when Len and Mick step out of a restaurant, asked to meet with a Family rep in a cordial but thinly veiled threat to keep from thieving their protected businesses, if, however, the two of them are determined to thieve but would like a list of rival Family businesses the rep just so happened to have on him...

They agree to the list and Len wonders how long it will take for the rep to realize they didn't agree to anything else.

It's warm despite the hour but Len has a jacket on anyway. He's frowning thoughtfully and Mick, alert next to him, asks lowly, "Something up?"

"I think you've ruined me."

"How so?"

"That chicken pesto alfredo was nowhere near as good as yours."

Mick's laughter echos around them as they head back to their apartment.

~*~*~*~

"Alright," Lisa calls as she lets herself into the apartment, mindful of the large container of still-warm soup in her hands, "why did you need me to tell the creepy cougar down the street that you were sick? Also why does it smell like charred death in here?"

Len hurries over and shush Lisa, taking the soup from her as he does. "It's for Mick."

She looks at him oddly, following her brother into the kitchen but making extra certain to step quietly to keep from waking Mick, sprawled out on the couch amid blankets, tissues and rattling breathing. "Why didn't you just heat up some Campbell's for him?" Then she sees what used to be the stove. "Holy shit! How did this happen?"

"Keep it down! I don't want Mick to see this!"

"He hasn't seen this?" Lisa waves at the blackened, partly melted stove top. "Did he seriously manage to sleep through this?"

"He couldn't stop coughing so I made him drink some NyQuil to get him to sleep."

"Again- how did this happen?"

"I was trying make him soup out of a cookbook."

"Like from scratch? Why?"

"He's always making good food for me, even when he's tired or like last night when he wasn't feeling well and I figured," Len starts feeling foolish now that he's saying this out loud, "he'd appreciate it if I made him something better than watered down instant soup."

Lisa stares. "Oh my God," she says with a mix of awe and horror, "you're trying to impress him."

"Yeah, well," he gestures at the former stove, "it didn't go so well."

"Okay, one- he'll be impressed you managed to destroy the stove. He'll probably also be mad that you can set the stove on fire but not him, or that he missed it."

"It's not like it was on purpose!"

"I'm pretty sure he won't care. Also, two- considering how often you cook in the first place, he'd be impressed even if you made him Campbell's." She grins wolfishly, "But at least now he's going to be enjoying the fact you've indebted yourself to the creepy cougar for him."

Len rolls his eyes and puts the soup in the microwave. He goes through his book of contacts, hoping one of them will know where he can jack a new stove without getting it traced back to him and tries not to think of what he'd just gotten himself into.

~*~*~*~

"Lisa, stop fussing," Len says, trying not to wince at the pressure she's putting on his black eye via ice pack.

"I'm making a fuss because he knocked you unconscious!"

"Yes, yes," he says impatiently," and Mick is miserable about it."

"Good," Lisa hisses uncharitably and puts more pressure on until Len hisses himself. "And you're an idiot for doing this Bloodsport bullshit."

"Love to know your opinion when you find out I'm going to talk him into continue- ow!" Len fumbles for the ice pack when Lisa shoves it against the tender part of his face and lets go.

"Why?" Len sighs to himself- in all honesty he's been waiting for her to explode about this. "Why do you want to get beat up so badly? I thought the reason why you left home was so you could get away from that!"

"This is different."

"Oh yeah? How?"

"I can fight back."

Lisa stares at him quiet and hard before relenting. "Whatever. I still think you're an idiot."

~*~*~*~

It takes multiple days to convince Mick that Len doesn't blame him for being knocked out and to continue their fights. Or sort of continue as the next bout Mick basically doese nothing but block Len's attack and manages to pin Len with an arm bar. The second time is like that, too. Len is determined the third will be different but he's going to need a little outside help for that.

Upon Len's request, they go to a bar and, about an hour into it, he enacts his plan by 'inadvertently' starting a fight with a local biker gang. The fight, due to the type of dive the bar is, engulfs everyone within and Len's pretty proud of his performance. Sure, he's still no powerhouse but he's put quite a few people on their asses before a couple strikes manages to shake even his impressive pain tolerance and Len staggers into a table. Someone yells out, "Cops!" and everyone scatters. A hand grabs Len by the coat and drags him out.

From there it's a blur but the sounds of sirens and other people fade and Len manages to clear his head enough to see Mick doubled over next to him, heaving for breath. "What," Mick gets out between gasps, "the fuck? Couldn't warn me before hand you were looking to get your ass beat?"

"Thought I was starting to get rusty," Len says. He flexes his hands and winces- his knuckles are definitely going to be hurting tomorrow. "Figured since you weren't interested in fighting, I'd have to get my training elsewhere."

Mick stares at him for a long, disbelieving moment. Then he starts laughing, albeit breathlessly. "You crazy, stupid bastard!"

That may be so and he might have a minor concussion but, to Len's immense pleasure, Mick's back to form in their third bout so Len considers it a success.

~*~*~*~

It's starting to get chilly again and Mick is taking every opportunity to use the grill before winter sets in. He offers to pick up Lisa from school- Lewis is too busy planning a job to notice her existence -on his way back from getting groceries. When they get back, Lisa calls out to her brother and follows the sound of his voice to the kitchen. Upon seeing her, Len grins brightly, never minding the fact he's peeling sweet potatoes for roasting or that his lower lip is split in two places. "I threw Mick!"

Lisa wraps her arms around her brother- deliberately making him hiss from sore ribs, "Nice!"

~*~*~*~

It happens. After a year and two months and eighteen days, Len finally wins. The small stand by the sofa is an unfortunate casualty but it also tripped Mick up enough for Len to twist his arms so Len considers it a heroic death. For almost a minute, Mick struggles but the awkward position gives him no leverage and eventually he has to concede. He looks over his shoulder at Len, face red from exertion and body warm under Len's hands. He gives a crooked little grin and says, "Finally got me. So what've you been waiting all this time to order me to do?"

And Len... freezes. He's been thinking about it for a good eight months now, has scenario after scenario planned out in his head, a veritable mental book of witty lines for every situation before he'd lean in to steal a kiss. But all that's gone out the proverbial window and Len just hovers there, hands locked around Mick's wrists, unable to figure out what he should be doing.

Mick slowly begins to tense, picking up on Len's unnatural stillness. "Len? Buddy- you okay?"

Before he can think better of it, Len blurts out, "Can I kiss you?"

Mick's eyes go wide. "Uh..."

"You don't have to, it's not a big deal, I just... really want to kiss you." Len will be horrified at the word vomit spilling out of him if his brain ever decides to function again.

Mick's face is still red and it takes Len far longer than it should to realize it's no longer from exertion. "Um. Okay? I'm... I'm not gonna complain or anything. Could you let go first?"

Len lets go and rolls Mick onto his back, still an awkward position because he's half-laying on the stand but neither care because they're grabbing at each other, bumping noses and fumbling before finally lining up for a kiss.

It's not mindblowing in that it's fairly chaste and clumsy but it also makes Len's heart feel like it's about to burst because it's Mick. They part and Len chases the taste of Mick off his lips with a flick of his tongue. Beneath him, Mick groans and Len shivers because there's a big, warm hand tenderly massaging the back of his neck. Len opens his eyes and pulls back, uncertain how to proceed from here.

"You, um," Len doesn't think he's ever seen Mick shy before, nor has he considered the possibility he'd ever think the man adorable, "you don't have to ask. To kiss me." Mick's face gets even redder and redder, "You can do that whenever, I don't mind."

Len sits up back a little, even though all he really wants is to get his lips back on Mick's. "So kissing-"

"-or more."

"-or more," and damn if that doesn't run a delicious thrill down Len's spine, "isn't part of winning fights?"

"No." Mick's other hand trails lightly over Len's side, catching against his sweater and giving him another thrill.

"So I can still give you an order, right?" Mick's eyes narrow but Len barrels on before he can backpedal, leaning in close, grin twisting wickedly. "Make me mac and ketchup."

~*~*~*~

Mick, fucking shit that he is, gets the last laugh anyway because Len can barely get passed the first bite before gagging.

[gggoblin]

i said this to someone days ago (over the course of a couple days) after a lengthy multi-day conversation we had regarding our lives, our relationship, and specifically some things i had learned while on a social hiatus this month. (for fun i’ll point out that i’m an aries sun, virgo moon, gemini mars, taurus venus, aries mercury, cancer rising, aquarius saturn, aquarius dominant. they’re a libra sun, capricorn moon, libra mars, sagittarius venus, virgo mercury, capricorn saturn.) they haven’t responded to anything i’ve said so this is literally the end of the convo. my optimism turned to realism rather quickly and i realized this was an unintentional break up. not in the traditional sense, but a very specific kind of ending. i recently realized how to stop holding myself back, and now i can no longer allow other people to hold me back either. i’m posting this as a reminder, not some kind of call out. this was directed towards them, but it’s also a letter to myself as well as everyone else i know. these words were several years overdue to both them and myself. i’ve been holding back on my honesty so i’m posting this with all of its out-of-context glory to share some of the light and help whoever can relate or wants to take anything from it. opting out of a read more so forgive me por favor. excuse the typos and shitty grammar. down to clarify anything that seems confusing. life is good ~

your ego is intolerable and the source of probably all of your problems. you suffocate meaningful conversations with your ulterior motives. you’re not as open as you think you are. you admitted to being unloving inside. you cannot be both unloving and open. your desire for me to open up may have been genuine, but the intent behind that has been mostly self-serving. you like to use me to feed your ego as well as ease you into finally acknowledging just how enslaved you really are. everything is a learning opportunity so the benefits i’ve experienced from this have been strictly coincidence. possibly even luck. i’m not mad, just aware. i know how proud you are that you indirectly help others. that you can manage it being the way that you are. but pride fuels the ego. i know you’ve got a thing for small, harmful pleasures. we’ve all got addictions. the only reason why you recognized the power of my anxiety is bc you experienced it yourself. still currently experiencing. all we can provide to others is what we experience, what we encounter, what we know for certain. it’s important to share who we are and i’m glad that you do that instinctively. but you’ve assumed a lot of inaccurate things about me. things you’ve projected onto me because they are all you know. you don’t understand my personal experience the same way i don’t understand yours. but you feel the need to define me regardless bc that’s what makes you feel safe and secure. being in control. having answers. being right. it makes it impossible for you to fully receive my openness. it makes it impossible for you to trust me as an individual existing outside of the limits of your mind and ego. i made this same mistake in a way. i projected key aspects of who i am onto you. i assumed the level of your inner compassion and have treated you accordingly. assuming you understood things in a way that you actually don’t. shouldn’t have done that. it only limited communication between us. anyway, i understand that i have no idea how to help you solve your problems in the way that you need me to because that’s unknown territory for me. you can get lucky and learn from me, but there’s no order in chance. no method or process. just effort and hope. hopefully this helps you realize the same. you can’t help me bc you don’t understand who i actually am. and you can’t until you figure yourself out some more. same goes for me. again, you did not help me in the way that you believe you did. i can’t stress that enough. but the possibility remains of us eventually syncing up. maybe you already understood that. maybe you already understood all of this. it took me a second to work it out emotionally but sharing now seems like the right thing to do just in case you didn’t realize what was happening. barriers exist for a reason. they are the proof of imbalance. but i wholeheartedly believe we’ll both get our shit together eventually.....well i believe that unless martyrdom is your only real passion in life. if that’s what you have love for, that will be your quest and your legacy. personally i’m interested in something much more complex. something with an infinite number of continually expanding dimensions. if that’s where your heart really is, you’ll always be a dead end for me and i a dead end for you. a cul-de-sac. purposeful but limiting. just another possibility i realized. cool either way. interacting with you always reminds me of just how peaceful my reality is. everything is clear before and after i interact with you. your ego literally sucks the life out of me. it encourages me to not be myself. it’s the opposite of kindness. i can’t help but fight against it. that’s why i stick around. but it’s a battle i can’t win. that’s why i shut down. but again once i’m free to be myself, fighting again doesn’t seem like such a dumb idea. pointing out all the ways the ego can control someone seems like a really smart idea actually. your ego makes you all talk. not only with your ideas and goals, but also literally you never stop talking you never slow down. you always have something to say. some answer or explanation for everything. no concern over how quarter-assed it may be. a clear sign of being afraid of not knowing not having all the answers. when we talk, i’m quick to say i’m confused or don’t understand of don’t know something. i try not to lie to myself about those things bc i know it hinders growth. & i know you notice how often i do these things bc i’ve watched it frustrate you. us not being on the same page. not only with my curiosity though. happens when i disagree also. the ���lack of connection” aka lack of confirmation. you literally hate me when i’m not supportive of your ego. that lazy blind faith ideal you’re so obsessed with. you’re so afraid of being wrong. so afraid of being seen as a loser. so insecure about someone else being ahead of you when the competition you’ve signed up for doesn’t even exist. you’re obsessed with winning and being superior. it’s more of a priority than reaching the truth. this has been so obvious. everything is a threat to you. you’re so afraid of the world. you said it yourself. the world is full of danger. it’s peak paranoia. i understand your panic and mania so much more now. i can/could relate to so much of this but there have been clear difference between us. sometimes i’ve wanted to tell you to calm down but i know that would only intensify your feelings. i tried to help by being gentle and nice and loving but that only made things worse. i tried to be direct and tell you that you’re good enough regardless of what’s going on inside of you or what you’ve done, but you’ve never believed me. just used these things against me bc you’re dependent on your ego. life without it scares you. you said the way i am goes against everything that you are. that’s true. your aggressive method went against all that i am. but that changed. i opened myself up and now it’s a part of me. your ego is never going to allow you to give anything other than what you already are a chance. i can barely imagine how frustrating that must be for your soul. don’t think i’m judging you bc i get it. it’s heavy and help from an outside source probably doesn’t exist. you’re the only one who can kill your ego and fighting yourself is hell. no judgement. i understand why you always told me i had it easier than you. everything is harder when your ego prevents you from giving love. so much you can’t feel and therefore so much you can’t learn. so many ways you can’t grow. all of this was so obvious when you decided to spend our entire conversation talking about yourself and how i was wrong and why you were right and how much more you knew. you never even took a second to be happy for me. my life has been getting better every day and you’re not even interested. you were barely interested in what i contributed to the conversation. you felt comfortable continuing our conversation even though you hadn’t read all those texts i sent. you have no idea what i could have said to you. but you didn’t find it important. nothing could have been important enough to you. as long as you’re being ruled by your ego, everyone will always just be pawns to you. you talk about all the ways you’ve made others’ lives better. how damaged they were and how you cured them. you rarely mention learning from others. no significant benefits to experience from those beneath you, right? you never bring up how other people have dealt with things when you try to give me advice. everything comes from you. no other examples. seems like you’ve collected nothing from others. nothing you trust. nothing that could be more informative than what you’ve experienced. your speech, your experiences, your gratitude, your kindness, all of it. so egocentric. it’s a little different when you’re with people and sober. a different kind of social anxiety. you’re afraid of physically feeling how much your ego is hated. you’re afraid of picking up those vibes bc you wont be able to just run away from them. you don’t want to be confronted so you have to tone it down and play nice. but in text or when you’re drunk/fucked up, you feel safe. you can hide. in text you can be as real as you want. when you’re intoxicated, everything can just seem like a joke or a mistake. an excuse to be irresponsible. your ego is such a coward. and it honestly believes it’s being real and open. you are so full of deceit. you honestly believe this is attractive? that you’re better this way? more functional? more productive? cooler? more respected? more confident? you’re lying to yourself more than you’re lying to everyone else. you know all of this. you know you could be so much more. you know you could feel more. do more. give more. take more. you’re just afraid of the struggle. you’re afraid of truly being vulnerable and having to find new ways to be okay in this big scary universe. you assume the unknown is going to feel worse than anything you’ve already felt. but the truth is it wont. it’s going to feel like real brutal happiness. real freedom. not just freedom of expression. freedom in all areas. it’s going to be light even when it’s heavy. because it’s going to be infinitely better than being limited by your ego. it will be a new addiction but an actually healthy one. i know there’s a good chance none of this will affect you. i’m not even assuming you’ll actually read all of this. i’m still mindful of time. you’ll get where you’re going when you’re supposed to. but i care so i have to say something. i have to try to help you however i can but i also have to make sure you understand you can’t fuck around with me anymore. if i don’t get offended, i wont feel guilty. if i don’t feel guilty, i wont feel like a failure. if i don’t feel like a failure, i wont be blinded by my own ego. and if i’m not blinded by my own ego, i can see everything clearly. if you don’t change anytime soon, i can see you becoming consumed by the hate you feel for me and everything that i am. you wont want to talk to me anymore if i don’t give you what you want. i wont mind if it happens. i wont be upset and i wont judge you. my love for you has never been conditional. i’ll still be here in some way if you ever see things differently. maybe it’s also important to acknowledge that i see that you’re trying. i can’t remember if i addressed that or not. i notice when you’re making attempts. they’re confirmation that a you beyond your ego exists. the real you is real. you are seen. i guess i now understand your smoking dependency too. maybe it really does help you feel things you can’t otherwise. maybe it makes you feel like the person you really are beyond your ego. i never judged you for that but i never fully understood the importance either bc i projected my feelings onto you. just seemed like a shortcut. but i get it now. maybe if we both smoked, we really would have synced up and everything would have seemed so easy and peaceful. you know, if we only interacted when we had smoked. but we would have learned nothing. that finish line would have been the starting line. there are no shortcuts on a circle. we just wouldn’t have moved at all. we would have missed everything. the whole journey. the whole cycle. but i understand the appeal. definitely seems a hell of a lot better than suffering and being separated. but things aren’t always as they seem. i still think this is way better and way more satisfying. the higher the goal, the harder the struggle.