#also i feel like i make too many textposts which is a stupid thought to have about your own blog but what can i say im a people pleaser

[randombubblegum]

i just want you all to know. that as insane and unhinged and clearly spiralling into madness by the day as i am on here. i am sparing u from the worst of it. i put my most insane textposts into my drafts to keep the world safe from them. ill write yet another missive about awsten or an irrelevant part of his body or what i think otto thinks about a random mcr song and im like...no. not today. today i choose peace

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

anyone wanna hear the story of how i found out supernatural was ending and proceeded to have the worst morning of my life?

(super-excessive rambling ahead. do not read the whole of it.)

so i don't remember the date but it was the day of my english 10th board exam. boards are like a series of subject finals, kinda the biggest exams conducted in a student's education in india, plus they're nationalized. so yeah, a massively big deal, and obviously the first thing i do waking up on this massively important day is open tumblr. there are about seventy messages and i'm confused cause i think i barely "talked" to ten people back then, but before i've even checked them out, the first post i see is a textpost about how the longest running joke universally across fandoms is that 'spn has been going on way too long and needs to end' but now that it is ending, all people can do is cry about it. for some reason, i don't process that post as fact™, assuming they mean a general "ending" instead of a "j2m announced last season" ending. anyways i move on to my messages, and all of them are people who've freaking the fuck out for at least a few hours (the advantages of being in a timezone different from of most people) and i go to my activity, still stunned, and someone's tagged me in a meta of some kind, and i check it out completely dazed and it's got gifs (already!) of the three of them standing there with teary eyes and jensen actually saying the words everyone had been screaming about in the chats, and it finally hits me that it's ending, supernatural is ending, it's going to be OVER, and it's already been decided when. obviously, the tears start, and literally crying in my bed, still under the comforter, i think i watched the video twice, without headphones in fact, which is extremely weird because i virtually NEVER do that, but as if anything else mattered at the moment!

i don't remember what all i felt in those moments but one of the thoughts that REALLY stood out was that i wish, wish, wish it lasted just one more year — so maybe supernatural could end at the same time as highschool ended for me, and it'd feel like the end of a phase of my life, but no, according to what they predicted (and not even kidding, now it's even worse) supernatural was going to end smack in the middle of senior year for me, obviously a super important, super stressful year, and god, i wished so hard it'd just go on ONE MORE YEAR somehow but look what happened now it's ending like three months before my college entrance exams and the competitive engineering exams and shit which is just absolutely perfect because it's doing wonders to my attention span and mental health and yeah i'm getting off topic i'm gonna come back to the topic now

it's two am rn and i'm weirdly tired of typing so what happens next is fucking wild, but i'm gonna hurry because i need to go cry some more into a pillow or a ao3 tab or something. so like a whole HOUR later i get up from bed. i've got to get dressed and shit, most important exam of my life YET and everything. so i start brushing, obviously scrolling through tumblr, obviously failing to not cry, and my mum walks in, and she doesn't know a thing about supernatural (even if she did, she would consider the idea of me crying over them announcing an ending RIDICULOUS) so she just assumes i'm sniffling and tensed up because i'm STRESSED and she tries reassuring me like i need fucking reassurance for ENGLISH of all things. anyway anyway anyway i have maggi for breakfast i think and i'm still pretty out of it and stuff but i get dressed in my uniform and put on the fucking blazer though its HOT outside but i like wearing the school blazer for exams but i underestimated how much of a physically draining effect the news and reacting to it would have on me, so then there's me sweating literal buckets and then we set off.

we're already late in leaving the house (why, i don't remember) and once we're at the centre, and my parents have dropped me off and wished me luck, i go to the gate, right. and THEN the guard gestures to my uniform and tells me i'm missing my fucking class ID. now i know i'm late so i panic on cue because shit shit shit i'm gonna be even more late, and i legit turn and look for mum and dad (we weren't allowed to carry our mobiles for the test) and what i see is that they've reversed the car and are about to drive out the gate and obviously my brain isn't really working so i fucking RUN AFTER THE CAR, like, i'm really not an athletic person, i avoid running as much as i possibly can, and i fucking lose my shit and chase the car down in like ten seconds of running cause it's only like ten metres away actually but the highlight of it all is that i run. in a public space. unprompted. with a shitload of emotions and anxiety and panic, and i basically almost sob in relief when dad immediately stops the car and pretty much pulls me in and tells me to stop worrying cause the house is like ten minutes away and i might miss the general waiting part and stuff but i wasn't gonna miss the exam. so THEN we start driving back and obviously because they are who they fucking are, they start arguing about which of them is at fault for this and who was supposed to check in on me carrying my seriously important ID and other crap, and then obviously they're yelling and that does even more wonders for my state of practically hysteria, but i hold it together until we get home and i get the ID (which is on the bed, probably was under my blazer or something) and we set back off, and i know we're late, and i know supernatural is ending, and i know it's going to take a part of me really, and mum and dad just won't stop yelling at each other about god knows what, and i manage to squeeze in the first time in SO many years that i cry in front of my parents right there in the backseat, and they're sort of stunned because i really don't cry (in front of people) and then there's just me losing it in a mixture of helplessness and nerves and anger for some reason and just. whoa.

ANYWAYS we get to the centre (in time for the exam, but like fifteen minutes later than i SHOULD have gotten there) and dad talks to the teacher and stuff and it works out because obviously it's a really important exam they're not going to make me skip it, and i go straight to my classroom — also did i mention these exams aren't held in our own schools but like, different test centres, so basically a different room and desk each day in a different school from mine, ugh, i hate new places — and i find out i have the FIRST bench of the second column which lowkey sucks because it's too public really, but at least my best friend's sitting like diagonally from me on the left, and my friends are basically sprinkled around the classroom as well and i see them eyeing me worriedly cause they were scared i might miss the exam but also because i was a MESS with bloodshot eyes and an outofit look in them and did i mention i was sweating like a dog all this time wearing a blazer because i'm just that idiot because yeah.

so then i calm myself down the best i can. sitting under a fan helps, taking off my stupid blazer helps, and seeing dish (beforementioned best friend) helps — because apparently she heard about the ending too (she's not in the fandom she just keeps up with news for my sake, yes, im very lucky to have her) and tries to cheer me up about it, but then it's time for the paper, and they give them out and...yeah.

three hours later, the exam ends, and i step out of that hall the most mentally exhausted i've been in YEARS. also i swear off tumblr until i've had lunch and napped and stuff because i was also functioning on extremely little sleep but i really think that part was obvious.

as it goes, i ended up getting a 95% in that paper :)

but to this date, my sister jokes about how i ended up getting my personal least marks of that year in english of all subjects which was supposed to be of my strongest suit heh all because of a six-ish minute video released in a different part of the world about something that wasn't even going to happen that year...and like. yeah.

that's it.

that's the story.

[meganmazing]

Fics I Read While On Vacation 2.0!

Last month I went on a trip to Italy, and you know what that means... I downloaded a ton of long fics to keep me sane on the long plane/train journeys, and now I’m sharing a few of my faves with you guys! Pro tip for travelers: DO THIS! When you do’t have reliable wifi, and don’t want to pay for the in-flight wifi, downloading a PDF (or ten) from AO3 is the way to go. Their easy system is one of my favorite features of the site, and has multiple downloading formats other than PDF, too. Plus, they include links back to the work in the PDF so you can go back and comment when you do have wifi! Which you should always do, because authors are a gift, and giving kudos and love in the form of comments in return is a wonderful thing.

This time it’s mainly stevetony, with a few phlint, a cherik series, and one reaper76 (r76) for good measure. And guys. The stony and phlint especially...oh my god. Even when Phil and Clint aren’t the mains, I’m screaming about them. For whatever reason, the Marvel stuff I read his time blew me away, to the point where I’m still thinking about some of the stories, despite it being nearly a month since I got back to the states. One fic genuinely changed me, and I never thought I’d say that without a hint of sarcasm, but here we are. 

Like always, click the bolded titles for the link, and please read the tags on each fic. Even though I tend to steer clear of the truly brutal stuff when I’m on vacation, what squicks you out may not register for me, etc. Remember to throw some love to the works you enjoy, and come scream about them with me anytime <3

Stevetony

Steve Rogers Is A Child by LagLemon  Words: 290k+  Rating: M

Tony gets into fights with Steve all the time and it's driving him insane. Sure, he's not the nicest guy in the world, but all he did was steal a little of the guy's sesame seed bagel - he didn't deserve to get yelled at for something stupid like that.

After drowning his sorrows in hot chocolate and complaining to Pepper about what happened, Tony gets a phone call from Natasha telling him to hurry back home. Something's happened - Steve has been attacked and he's not quite the same man he once was - he's been turned into a child.

With Steve out of commission, the team struggles with what to do and Tony finds himself filling roles he had never expected: babysitter and friend.

THIS is the fic I mentioned in a textpost pretty much immediately after I finished reading. I couldn’t wait for this rec list. My dear friends, this fic gave me a crisis of faith. That’s a tad dramatic, you say? This fic had me rooting for Bucky Barnes and Tony Stark. Winteriron. Yeah. Bucky has an unrequited crush on Tony, and he killed me with it.

Don’t get me wrong, the stevetony here is endgame, and it’s beautiful, but wow. Like. I’m not one to multipship people often - especially not with my top otps - and stony is an og pair of mine. Something about this Tony and this Bucky just...fit? I mean...I think I get it, now. I can see it. You guys win.

I’m still recing this as stevetony, but I had to mention it becasue I’m still in shock weeks after finishing this, and it’s stuck with me. Tony is a character near and dear to my heart, and the story is told from his POV in a way that felt a bit different from the norm to me, and I dig it. Don’t be put off by the child!Steve thing, it’s not forever and it is handled really well in the story. No child sexual/romantic/abuse situations occur. Personally, I would not rec that kind of story.

Falling Into You by sabrecmc     Words: 53k+   Rating: M

Tony and Steve end up as fuck buddies after the events of The Winter Soldier until Steve calls it off. When Loki's spell wipes all of Steve's memories since the last time Loki was in town, Tony decides it will be so much easier to just not tell Steve they had something of a relationship. Spoiler: It isn't.

Or, how Steve fell in love with Tony and forgot about it, and how Tony fell in love with Steve and realized it.

Sometimes, you read a fic that is infuriating, heartbreaking, and sweet all at once, in almost every paragraph (at least for the first three quarters of the story). Tony is at his oblivious, slightly self-destructive best here, and you just want to shake the man, sometimes. Not to worry, I also wanted to shake Steve. It’s equal opportunity obliviousness in this one. The story is told with flashbacks to Tony’s memories of their “fuck buddy” relationship as he remembers them while the present mind-wiped-Steve situation is happening. It was done in a way that felt familiar without feeling redundant, the way this trope sometimes does for me. The ending is so worth it, and melted my heart. 

A Higher Form of War by sabrecmc     Words: 292k+  Rating: M

Tony is a King with a surprising number of people out to kill him. Steve and the rest of the Avengers are fighting for Pierce's rebellion and end up with Tony as their prisoner. Oops.

Basically one of those bodice-ripping romance novels I don't read (ahem) but with far more gay.

Speaking of melting my heart, this fic obliterated it. When I say Slow Burn, I mean it. Oh my sweet lord, do I ever. But you NEED this one if Stevetony is your thing, trust me. It’s AU in the best ways, and uses so much from the first Iron Man movie, as well as the Captain America movies and general MCU. Steve and Tony are painfully true to their characters at times, which brings both the good pain and the bad pain, the way you know you love. Fluff and plenty of angst, along with gorgeous tension and resolutions, and can I just have more of this world? Please? Forever? What is the team up to now? How is everyone? We got two novels worth of story, and I still want more of this universe!

The phlint really is blink-and-you-miss-it, but I am a sucker for the little nods and they made me happy. Also, there are the beginnings of Bucky and Tony being good friends, and I am so here for that friendship right now. 

Deep in the Heart of Me by Finely Honed (jaqen_hgar)  Words: 257k+       Rating: E  

There were days when the realization that he was someone’s father made Steve's head hurt, but mostly he was grateful that he could trust his instincts, because apparently Peter was what had been missing from his life. Yes, he still had lingering, unresolved issues from his time in the Army, and sure, he had what Bucky annoyingly referred to as a criminally untapped ass, and no life outside of work and Peter, but Steve was okay with how his life had turned out because of trusting his instincts.

Unfortunately, those same instincts had straight up betrayed him by going absolutely haywire upon being exposed to Tony Stark.

Veteran single dad Steve runs a tattoo shop. For his 40th birthday, Pepper arranges for Tony to get that tattoo he always wanted, and he winds up with the mother of all crushes instead. Jumping out of airplanes is one thing, but falling in love is something else entirely. Steve struggles with the idea of actually letting someone into his life. Tony is left trying to keep his heart from being broken while Steve figures things out.

I have been holding off on this story for a long time. Something about Steve being the adoptive dad to Peter had me skeptical, and the heavy mental health aspects were not something I was eager to deal with when I first saw it.  

That being said, I am so glad I read this. Getting real for a sec, I signed up for a mental health counselling consultation after finishing this. I connected so thoroughly with Steve and his experiences, and of course with Tony, too. But Steve’s journey through this story is honestly on a completely different level of fiction for me. Its heartbreakingly real, and downright visceral at times in the descriptions of how Steve feels, as well as how Tony feels, being in love with a person struggling with mental illness. 

I cannot recommend it enough. 

Aside from that, the love story between Steve and Tony blew me away, and I fell so in love with their love, it killed me. The ending is beautiful, and Peter is such a wonderful part of it. The family dynamics surprised me with how much I loved them too, with all of Steve and Bucky’s dads, and Clint and Nat being a part of their squad in the military, it fit perfectly in the story. Also: Let Tony Be A Good Father Figure 2k18 is my new crusade.

(I even grew to like Clint/Bucky in this. Phil is kind of in the world? Not a part of the main crew, but he cameos, and that was nice. Maybe that’s how I rationalized it in the beginning: Clint doesn’t know Phil, it’s fine! I like Clint and Bucky individually so much that it worked for me.)

Holding Out For A Hero by Wordsplat  Words: 100k+  Rating: T (yeah, I know, cue the comical surprise that one of these is rated Teen and Up) 

When Tony was a prince and Steve was his manservant, they were young and reckless and hopelessly in love. But an attack on Tony's life convinces Steve that he can't protect Tony, so he leaves in the dead of night to train until he can. Ten years later, Steve returns to the kingdom a strong and able knight, but his king is both furious and broken-hearted. 

One of my favorite things is when I get to be unreservedly on Tony’s side when he fights with Steve. Steve’s reasoning is understandable for his character, sure, but BOY. Plus, Tony has the Avengers backing him up too, and I live for the team supporting Tony. In the MCU right now, the team is basically all for Cap, but the lack of multiple, meaningful, interpersonal connections from the team to Tony in those movies is a rant for another day. 

Again, this is another story where the supporting cast has my heart. I also adored the knights being made up of the Avengers, and Bruce’s role, which kicked ass and made me happy. But, this story focuses primarily on Steve/Tony, and their relationship just kills me with how sweet/painful it is in turns. The fluff to angst ratio is spot on.

AND: Tony is a good dad! (LTBAGFF 2k18) 

I love their love.

Go Ugly Early by just_another_tinker  Words: 161k+ (still updating)  Rating: E

He’s The Captain?

This was not good. This was so not good.

There were theories of course, of what The Captain would look like. Most followed the typical Hollywoodesque belief that he was some version of the Godfather, sitting in a dark room with a cigar, commanding his forces with a flick of his wrist. There were even some that even thought that The Captain was not one person, but a whole network of people with eyes and ears everywhere.

The blonde Adonis in front of him was definitely not what Tony was expecting.

Of course, in the end it didn’t matter.

There was a reason no one knew what The Captain looked like.

Because anyone who saw his face never lived to tell the tale.

This is not a finished story, and I am perpetually on the edge of my seat waiting for the next update. I’ve rec’ed cherik Mob/Mafia AUs before, but I’ve never read one with steve/tony and the avengers. I’ll admit, Steve as a mob boss? I was skeptical about how well I’d vibe with it. 

Now? Holy shit, friends, I’m living for it. The aspects of Steve’s character that the author explores are everything I didn’t know I needed. Likewise with Tony, but I’m emphasizing Steve becasue it’s so unlike the usual representation Steve gets in fandom.

Apparently the running theme of this rec list is stories where the team is amazing and important to the story, becasue it’s true here, too. They’re Steve’s crew, becasue naturally. I adore the dynamics between everyone, especially when Tony starts to interact with them on the regular. 

But guys. The phlint in this hit me in the feels so hard, I didn’t see it coming until I was ready to tear up. The writing is so good, I forgot a key aspect of Phil’s arc in the MCU for a split second and I was distraught. Clint has POV chapters (Phil also had one very recently, but I think Clint has more content overall), and so you get into their relationship and all the emotions Clint’s going through, and  and I won’t say more becasue you need to read this one, even if you’re just in it for the phlint.

I know I’m a massive sucker for Clint, and love him wherever he shows up, but this time I’m genuinely impressed. The tags have it as minor/background, but it punched me in the chest like it was the main pair.

Of course, the steve/tony is amazing and addictive, but I had to scream about Clint and Phil for a sec.

Phlint

 First Impressions by raiining   Words: 76k+  Rating: M

Mr. Clint Barton does not like Mr. Phil Coulson. The feeling is not as mutual as he had thought.

A Pride & Prejudice AU.

So, I will be the first to admit that I have a serious affinity for Austen retellings in fanfic. The only downside with is that I tend to be overly picky about them, to the point where I check out fast if something bugs me, even if literately no one else would be bothered, much less notice it in the first place. 

This AU fed my Austen-loving soul and gave me every Phlint thing I’ve ever wanted in an AU like this. Clint’s perspective here is spot-on, and his relationships with Nat and Tony were awesome to read. Not to mention that the author filled character roles perfectly? People were chosen that I wouldn’t have expected but as I was reading I was so on board at every turn, like, yes, of course, this is exactly it! They also twisted the classic P&P story and made it their own, making it fit and make sense for the characters above all, which I absolutely loved. Bookmarked for life. Probably will end up rec’ing this forever.

Phil just breaks my heart, and so does Clint, and I have way too much love for this fic, go read it right now!

And Eternity in an Hour by Selenay   Words: 60k+   Rating: E

He comes from a secret place, far below the city streets, hiding his face from strangers, safe from hate and harm. He brought me there to save my life...and now, wherever I go, he is with me, in spirit. For we have a bond stronger than friendship or love. And although we cannot be together, we will never, ever be apart.

When Phil Coulson is attacked and left for dead, he is rescued and cared for by an unusual man who looks like a beast. As Phil heals, he learns that Clint is part of a community hidden below the city, where people who don't fit into the world above can live in safety. In time, Phil has to return home, but he vows to change his life and find a happier, better future.

Phil and Clint believe their time together is over, but they are destined to meet again when their worlds begin to collide.

A Beauty and the Beast (TV, 1987) fusion fic.

I’ll be honest, this show was before my time, and while my mom loved it and I know the basics of the story through her, I’ve never actually seen it. That being said...hell yes. I was hesitant, because Clint is right next to Tony for Marvel characters that I hold really close to the chest, and making him a “monster” had me cautious in the beginning. Fuzz, claws, really? Yes. If you’re thinking like me, go for it anyway! This story won me over so quickly, I don’t think I even knew it was happening - suddenly I was hooked.   

It’s alternating POV, with a bit more of Phil, I think, since he’s the character we relate to more, being the outsider character to Down Below. Phil isn’t a secret agent in this, but he’s still a competent badass in that way Phil always is, and he was my favorite from the get-go! Their love story is so sweet, you’ll melt by the end. Also, there are explicit sexy times, and they are great. Plus, body image is dealt with wonderfully without feeling like a PSA.

It’s also not told in first person! I thought it was from that part of the summary, but it isn’t, and I was v happy about that.

The Clockwork Murders by Selenay  Words: 76k+  Rating: M

Phil Coulson has two lives: by day he's a quiet, respectable Edwardian gentleman and his biggest risk is on a hand of cards at his club; at night he's a masked vigilante, fighting to make London safer. Keeping those lives separate is difficult enough when his closest friend is the head of a special task force within the Metropolitan police. It becomes even more difficult when his latest case gets dangerously close to home, bodies start washing up on the banks of the Thames, and Detective Inspector Fury's team is tasked with capturing the vigilante.

Clint Barton, Coulson's new valet, is down on his luck and inexperienced at valeting but his skills from his former life may be exactly what Coulson needs. They just need to negotiate their way through Coulson's secret life and their growing attraction to each other. And save London from a terrifying new threat along the way.

Alright, this fic might just be my absolute favorite out of the whole bunch. Not to say the others are lesser in any way, but I LOVE this one! Edwardian Steampunk has never been my thing, but I guess I can’t say that anymore?!  

One of the best Phil POV’s I can remember, along with a romance that just consumed me. Phil is kinda like an Edwardian Batman with less gadgets and slightly lower social standing? I was so on board. Let Phil Be Batman. I’m starting that campaign right now. Clint is also a bit like Robin, if Robin was also Hawkeye. The slow build of their relationship is delicious, and so, so rewarding when it finally comes to a head (lol). When they finally got together, I actually fist pumped (just a very small, non-distracting one, because I was on a train at the time and didn’t want to look like a complete loon, but that’s how much I loved this story). Phil and Clint are vigilante detectives and Clint gets to be smart! What a novel concept! 

I’m also a massive sucker for AU’s where the Avengers find each other and form a team all on their own. The scenario here is AMAZING and everything I never knew I wanted in an AU team-up. When Nat first showed up, I almost squealed out loud. No shame. Steve and Bucky are off being cops with Fury, off-page, so they’re the only ones missing from the story, but Darcy is here!! Plus, she and Nat have a side thing towards the end, and I am HERE FOR IT. This fic just has me so excited, weeks after I finished it. I’m invested and it hurts. 

You know when I care about the plot of a phlint story, that the plot is genuinely compelling, because usually the phlint is all I care about. And the relationship is the foundation from the start, and always the underlying focus, so no worries for the people in it for the tension/sexytimes.

Cherik

An Ideal Grace by afrocurl and nekosmuse    Words: 86k+   Rating: M

Cherik is one of the few pairings where the No Powers AU’s are some of my favorites. This is one of those times! Both boys have some mental health issues, especially where Erik as concerned, but it handled fairly well. Erik’s mental health specifically is a major arching plot piece, and his therapy sessions are important to his daily life and aren’t just mentioned off-page.

It’s important to say that there is no underage or professor/student relationship between Charles and Erik. There is past professor/student trauma in Erik’s life, but that is always a clearly negative and traumatic aspect of his life, and something he is working towards healing from in the story.  

The only thing that had me a little iffy was the co-dependency between him and Raven, who is his adoptive sister in this, but it is called out, and they are moving forward in this story as well as the sequel. Having those two be siblings instead of her and Charles is a bit different, but I think it worked for the story, even if I still love Raven and Charles as siblings.

The sequel: Love’s Own Crown, I actually think I enjoyed more, since it was less about the identity mix-up and more about their relationship/therapy

Reaper76

The Other One Where Jack is the Gay Roommate by pfaerie  Words: 16k+ Rating: E

Straight guy worries he's being homophobic to gay roommate, realizes he's fallen in love with him. Turns out Gabriel Reyes is fine with Jack Morrison kissing guys if it's him Jack is kissing.

This is kind of a remix of the author’s previous fic of the same name (minus “Other” in the title), but with sexytimes and additional editing. This is the roommate trope at it’s finest. It’s Gabe’s perspective, and in a non-powered/modern day AU, which works 100% to the story’s advantage. Gabe cracks me up, and I liked Widow in this too. All the kudos for the humor and smut! I really love this author’s writing style, especially with the way they write r76′s dynamic.

It’s one of those fics I’d give to a friend who wanted to read r76, but hadn’t before. The angst is mostly “I’m not gay, bro! ...oh wait” kind, plus Gabe just being a pill, not any of the massively heavy and dark content you tend to see with this pair.

[luckychrm]

A little magic inside you

based on this textpost

“Hey Beatrice! What’s your magic?” 

“What do you mean you don’t have one? Everyone has a magic!”

“It can’t be! Probably you didn’t do the right things or didn’t look in the right places.”

“Your magic is right inside of you! One day it will reveal itself, you’ll see!”

“Bea, you’re stupid. Everyone’s born with a fucking magic! If you don’t have one it’s because you’re broken or something!”

In my world everyone is born with magic but our magic can be sightly different from yours. Our magic is a random gift that we get when we’re born and then it turns to be a thing that we’re good at! Like really really good at.

For example, my mom can cook things perfectly while my dad can always find the best spot to park his car. My brother is the best one with maths, my best friend is amazing with helping people in need and there’s this girl at my school that can make her eyeliner on point. 

Most people know what their magic is as soon as they start talk or walk, others need to understand a little more about themselves to figure it out. The thing is that they know what their magic is and they can use it to make things better and some can even cause an impact on the world. But there are people who are born without a magic or they think they are. I was one one of those people.

Back then, I’ve tried everything and nothing happened! Everything! I’ve tried dancing, singing, acting, drawing, writing, doing my makeup, buying clothes alone, cooking, running, swimming, volunteering, painting nails, guessing my period, driving a car, helping on a chemistry lab and the list goes on. But every single thing I’ve tried ended up in a disaster that I don’t want to remember. It’s frustrating, you know? When I turned 18 things got worse. I got angry at me and depressed, I thought I was useless and that I didn’t belong here. I compared myself to everyone and I started to use the fact I had no magic as an excuse for everything I did. I cried to sleep many times trying to figure it out what was wrong with me. Damn! I even mentioned it several times to my therapist  but he wouldn’t help. I guess that his magic wasn’t understanding others after all. I started to notice that this inner search for my magic was killing me on the inside. It killed who I used to be, it killed many of the great things I had like my family and friends as they hopelessly watched me consuming and destroying myself with this issue and knowing they couldn’t help. And deep inside I knew that if I kept going, my magic would literally kill me. What started as a small issue it ended as a major obsession in my life. I knew I needed to change.

And one day I stopped caring. I embraced the fact that probably I didn’t have a magic at all and that if I had one, one day it would appear and if that day never came, that was okay too. I started to understand that I didn’t need a magic to be someone in the world or to be happy. I stopped looking for my magic everywhere and I started living my life, for me and not in fuction of a stupid little gift. I wasn’t totally okay, but I was better than what I used to be.

 And that’s when everything changed.

It was a sunny day at college, if it wasn’t an exam day I would have said that it was a normal day in my life. I was leaving the phsycology department and I noticed a girl sitted on the entrance stairs. She was hugging her knees and I could hear her sobbing even if the sounds were muffled. Since I was little I never standed watching people sad or crying so I sat next to her and I tried to comfort her. I knew that probably this would go entirely wrong as it did several times but it was worth trying if that meant I could make that girl feel better. I asked her if she was sad becausher exam didn’t go as she planned. She nodded with her head without looking up. For some moments I thought speaking something to make her forget the situation but my brain told me to say nothing. As a mediocre student myself, I knew that right now the “Don’t worry it’s just a grade and that won’t define you!” speech would only make things worse so I followed the order. A tenebrous silence that only her sobs would break formed and I sat next to her.

I tried to talk with the girl several times after that ask but she wouldn’t respond. I gave her some space and waited patiently.

1 hour later she stopped crying and she looked at me with that ‘Why are you still here?’ look but she didn’t seem to care about my precense. I looked back at her and after a sigh she ranted about her problem.

 “I’m afraid of being a failure. Everyone in my family is great at figuring out people’s problems but I’m terrible at it. Don’t get me wrong! I have a magic that is taking pictures. I take amazing pictures and I love photography but my parents don’t understand that. They want me to be a psychologist at all costs because that’s what is connected to our family’s magic but I... I just don’t want that! I wish they could figure that out.”

Suddenly a bitter feeling came back, the one I felt for two entire years when I was obcessed trying to look for my magic. Sometimes it came back, even when I stopped caring about it so as I alway did I tried to fight it back.

I put my hand on her shoulder and rubbed it. “Look......”

“Madeline, that’s my name.”

“Look Madeline, I don’t know how to help you but sometimes life is like 90′s pictures! A bit negative. So you can’t loose focus on what you want. Grab you camera and go shoot some people, or some trees or whatever you want! If you and psychology don’t click just forget about it, okay? Do what makes you happy and stop trying to get the perfect picture where it doesn’t exist because even if you try hard all you’ll get is a blurred one!”

I don’t know what happened but Madeline started laughing and hard. She was laughing so hard that she nearly fell of the stairs. I guest that for the first time in that hour I saw her truly happy. And I felt happy because I could make her laugh. I didn’t know how I could make it but I did it and that was enought.

“Girl, you have no notion of how many photography puns you said in a minute! It was hilarious,no, it was amazing! I never met someone who could make me laugh out of the nowhere like that! That’s such an amazing magic you know, making others laugh. It may sound something very small but look at the amount of people whose days you can brighten! You must have done wonders with that magic!”

I stopped listening to Madeline when she said ‘making others laugh’. My eyes widened and I realized how obvious my magic was. It was so obvious that for 20 years I thought it was nothing! It had been always right there in front of my eyes but I was so worried about finding my magic that I never stopped to wonder if I already had it. After travelling through my memories I understood even more how blind I was about it. Everytime I saw somebody having a bad time and made something funny to cheer them, everytime my brother said “nice joke!” and laughed, everytime my friends called me asking for puns and jokes and laughed after I told them some, that one time I participated in the school’s talent contest and I made the most stupid act ever but everyone laughed.... They all had a common thing about it, and it was me making people laugh. 

I started crying and I hugged Madeline. She didn’t understand why I started crying suddenly and she got even more confused when I started whispering “thank you” multiple times. Akwardly, she hugged me back and before she could even ask why was I like that I explained my struggle to her. 

That day became the day my life changed, not only because I’ve found my magic but also because I’ve found the most special person to me. I’m so grateful to Madeline because she brought the old me back, she helped me brining my old friends back and helped me fix my relationship with my family. Even if my family supported me unconditionally it was obvious that our relationship was a bit broken. And I’m grateful because without her my life wouldn’t make any sense.

My life taught me not so easily about the wonders of magic. It’s a different thing for everyone and there are people who may have more than one magic but then there’s that one magic in them that is stronger than the others and there are people that only have one magic. There are people who know what their magic is since the begining and there are people who take more time to figure it out. There’s good magic and bad magic. There’s spontaneous magic and the one which developes over the time. There’s magic more related to physical things and there is magic more related to psychological things. But there is no thing as not having a magic.

What I’m trying to say is that you should never lose hope if you hadn’t found your magic yet because one day when you least expect it, you will notice it.

[ask-the-teal-judge-blog]

d&d event and important jazz whooo boy im tired of typing help

(( (most of this consists of me SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS so if you dont want to bother reading this just check out the tl;dr at the bottom) mMMm okay so here’s the thing i said that i would set up an event or raffle when we reached 200 followers or once i emptied out the ask box but we’ve already reached, what now, 279 followers (edit: 283 by the time of finishing typing this) ? yeah. it’s been a few days since that post.  and the ask box still has 15 asks left in there (i would have gotten through more of them but i got a new computer and was still setting the graphic tablet. i could have done more paper asks but. i hate my style on paper because FUCK consistency) so uh here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to open up the ask box again and now just do a thing of storing them up and answering them at my own pace. and for the follower special thing? i’m doing a d&d event. you may ask, “mun of ask-the-teal-judge, how would that work?” and the answer is: i’ve thought this through a lot and it’s time for me to rant, hallelujah. if you have trouble reading long blocks of text check out the tl;dr section. i always include them on these long textposts. so! how this is going to work I will act as the dungeon master (sort of) and the anons (or just people who want to send asks in that will dictate what happens in the... story? game? campaign? whatever it is) will act as the... player?? in a certain way. To explain, I will be making a map and, in buildings or in towns, will set the scene (but instead of with words, with shitty drawings to describe the. things. and stuff. god am i bad at explaining things). In dungeons, I will also set the monsters and all that jazz. What anons and other people who would like to contribute can do consists of a few things, actually! A thing anyone can do is dictate actions. Like, if you’re walking along a path and you see a cool cave, you can choose to go into the cool cave or continue along the path, or hell, decide to spontaneously piss in a bush. As long as it makes sense in the situation (like you cant piss in a bush if there is not a bush nearby). however, whatever you do, try to dictate your action with her allignment in mind. Or, if you dont want to want to control this version of terezi, you can ask this version of terezi about herself and her life in this d&d universe (though most background things about her will be revealed through the story/campagin/game). or, if you’re an ask blog who wants to join in on the fun, you can participate in this event, too! if you pm me about joining, you might be able to join! only so many people can join though, many, 4-5 more people. if you do manage to join, once the event comes around, you need to have a character sheet and a reference image of your character. also, if you do join, here’s you’ll be placed into the same universe but: you can either just float around, adventuring on your own in this region, or you can join someone’s party, which sort of means that you would join them on the adventure and try to accomplish the same objective of sort. (like ill try to provide an example: the adventure zone - taako, merle, and magnus go and do... things? as a party of tres horny boys) i hope that made sense but SINCE NONE OF THAT MADE SENSE tl;dr -Ask box back open, answering asks at my own pace. -Event will be a d&d thing -I’ll be creating a map and acting sort of as a dungeon master, as well as controlling Terezi. -You (yes you, the one reading this right now!!) can send in asks that dictate some of Terezi’s actions and decisions, as well as ask her about her background, life, and all that jazz. -Other Homestuck ask blogs can pm me to join in the event (if you do pm me actually, i will be able to provide more information on the matter) -There is no set start yet to the events and no set end yet. It hasn’t started yet. -If you have any questions, just ask. )) ((note: if this is a stupid idea and i shouldnt waste my time doing this feel free to mention that as well))