#also i don't think i account for the tadpoles a lot because i like keeping tadpole interactions to a minimum in my mind palace

[bloodfail]

Long ass post about how I picture group dynamics during act 1 in my canon (including my own durge). Writing this I kind of realised that the way I picture them are kind of closer to a school class than something like found family or even a friend group.

Wyll is sort of the unofficial leader (and he is a little too modest to see himself as one). He gets along well with everyone, though he is not close to everyone. He is definitely closest with Karlach, the two of them almost immediately finding solace and understanding in each other. He is part of the “in-group”, which consists of Shadowheart, Karlach, Wyll and sometimes Morgan. He is charismatic and a good conversationalist which makes him a fun addition to late night talks at the fire, and I think one of his biggest strengths is being a good listener. Though his uncompromised goodness can sometimes make people feel a little bad about their own flaws, and even if he doesn’t mean it his high sense of moral creates a bit of distance between him and some of the other companions since they feel judged by him. Despite this, his friendly and warm disposition makes it so that people are very seldom annoyed with him. When it comes out that he is a warlock and Mizora turns him into devil some of that distance disappears, though he sort of unknowingly “remedies” this by doubling down on his heroism and also starting to be more preoccupied with “helping” the people around him (he constantly tries to more or less subtly nudging people down what he deems to be the right path). 

Shadowheart is the reason this group is an “in-group” at all, because she (sort of) likes socializing, but there are some people she would rather not speak to more than necessary. The three people she dislikes the most are in order: Lae’zel, Astarion and Gale. She will take any opportunity to be snide towards Lae’zel and Astarion, but with Gale it’s less about wariness and more about thinking he is annoying so she will act dismissive towards him but not necessarily be outright mean. They definitely have some friendly and/or enjoyable interactions, but she just thinks he gets a little too much too fast. Shadowheart also loves bitching and gossiping, and before Karlach came into the picture Morgan and Astarion were the people Shadowheart chose to do this with, but her dislike towards Astarion grew not only because he turned out to be a vampire but also because he had no hater etiquette and brought a little too much cruelty into the conversation. She tried to keep talking to Morgan, but her opinion on her soured more and more when Morgan kept associating with Astarion. The final straw was when she found out Astarion and Morgan were, in fact, sleeping together. 

Thankfully Karlach came into the picture, giving Shadowheart a reliable friend who wouldn’t judge her for venting, but who could also keep the conversation casual and offer other perspectives without seeming judgemental. I feel like Karlach’s friendliness kind of brings out a softer side of Shadowheart and her genuine friendship dampens Shadowheart’s need to point out everyone else’s bad sides. When Karlach joins the camp she unknowingly brings this “in-group” together by simply not seeing the problem with hanging out everyone together, while Shadowheart wants to hang out with her specifically. Like they could be sitting by themselves and someone happens to walk past and Karlach is immediately like “hey come join us”. The people outside the “in-group” would theoretically be invited but either do not feel welcome despite Karlach’s  and Wyll’s efforts or aren’t interested. Shadowheart is a little wary about this openness, because it means that she will have to face Wyll gently telling her off if she is being a little too unfair, and it also means that she has to hang out with Morgan because Karlach loves hanging out with Morgan. But Karlach doesn’t really notice (or care about) group dynamics, she’s just happy to make friends, so her arrival kind of starts to bring the whole group closer together. Post-Karlach they start to have a lot more nights where everyone hangs out with everyone. 

Then there is Gale, who I think tries his best to be very friendly and polite to everyone, especially in the beginning where he takes time to learn everyone’s name and kind of name himself the camp cook bringing everyone together for dinner. But despite all this his social skills are kind of surface level, and a year of isolation and usually spending time around nerdy academics makes it so he has a hard time really connecting. I kind of picture Karlach, Morgan, Shadowheart and Wyll having a sort of easy jargon that Gale tries to mimic but ends up failing. He talks a lot about his own interests (that the others do not share) and notices that people get sort of annoyed by his rambles, but doesn’t really know how to stop himself. This results in him feeling a little alienated, where he can join the conversation and people like Karlach and Wyll don't mind him doing so at all (they will even actively invite him), but he always feels like he is sort of a step behind, and in contrast to Morgan I think he is more sensitive to Shadowheart’s sighs and eyerolls even when he tries not to. He also becomes wary of Morgan after the accident where she beams a picture of his head on a spike into his head, but he doesn’t know how to take this up with the other without sounding insane so instead he starts keeping away. I think he eventually stumbles into a conversation with Lae’zel (who he is initially a little afraid of) and notices that she thinks what he’s talking about is actually pretty interesting, so they start to have a bit of a friendship going on where they can kind of bond in their alienation from the others. 

Up until the flop at the creche Lae’zel sees herself as the leader, and the others sometimes indulge her in this because she is competent, and she is the one that seems to have the answer to their problems. She isolates herself by thinking that she is the only one who sees the graveness of the situation, and not wanting to waste her time on frivolities. I think she kind of pictures herself as a general and the others as her more or less competent soldiers. When she does interact with people it is often because of practical reasons, which doesn’t give them a lot of opportunity to bond with her. Add to this that the others are just a little bit scared of what she might do if they give her reason to think that the tadpole is turning them, resulting in no one wanting to really open up to her about anything. I think eventually as her curiosity about Faerûn grows, she ends up listening to a lot of Gale’s rambles and he in turn asks about her own culture, which a lot of the others have failed to do. 

Astarion is also sort of apart from the group because he thinks he is better than them, or that is what he tells himself at least. He would connect with Shadowheart if she didn’t dislike him so much, but the others he finds far too nice for their own good. When he realises that Morgan isn’t as naive and dumb as she initially seems he immediately latches onto her, both because he sees her as someone he can get close to and manipulate, but also because he is a yapper and has a desperate need to talk (and complain) to someone. I think that he doesn’t like seeing his flaws reflected in others, whether it’s seeing Karlach being so optimistic despite her depressing past or Wyll choosing to help people at every turn. He is scared of Lae’zel, thinks Gale is grating and Shadowheart wants nothing to do with him, so Morgan is sort of the only one left and her nonchalance about his casual cruelty to the world makes him feel more comfortable around her. The only one besides Morgan who genuinely likes him is Karlach, who kind of sees past his facade and thinks the other should give him more of a chance. 

Finally, Morgan ends up kind of in between. Her charisma and easy-going disposition makes it easy for her to fall into the banter of the group, and because Wyll and Karlach actively enjoys her company (especially Karlach) she often gets included in whatever conversations happen around camp. Though she herself prefers the company of Astarion since she feels like she doesn’t have to pretend as much around him. Because of this they end up being the self-proclaimed outcasts of the group, isolating themself together from the others. But while Astarion at least pretends that he doesn’t really want to be part of the group, Morgan just sort of walks in and out of it with no heed for what the others think, which annoys some people to no end (and is maybe part of Gale’s dislike towards her because he wishes he could be more like that), but it doesn’t bother the core people like Karlach and Wyll.

And what about Halsin? Well I picture him kind of like a well-meaning substitute teacher. Make of that what you will.

Anyway, this is long and just addressing act 1. Ultimately I think the whole group grows closer as the game goes on, but I think that these initial dynamics shape the way they turn out. Eg. I think Lae’zel and Gale still feel sort of alienated at the end of the game, and Karlach and Wyll grow even closer etc. etc. 

[paletigers]

MORE THOUGHTS BECAUSE TUMBLR HATES ME??:

Now, Ascended Astarion. Reading all of that, you might think "Wow username PaleTigers, how can you still find Ascended Astarion sexy after describing how deep and painful his backstory is and how it related so heavily to your own life?" in those exact words! I know, I'm a mind reader. Ascended Astarion is what a lot of victims of sexual abuse kind of wish they could do to their assaulters. I wanted to make my assaulter hurt and beg and die painfully. I wanted full control of my life without him in it. I wanted to snap my fingers and he would simply disappear from the face of the planet. That felt like the ultimate protection from him. To ensure I would never be hurt again. To deal the same pain that he delt me. And that's exactly what Astarion gets when he ascends. He recieves the benefit of Cazador's power, the protection of true Vampirism, and the added bonus of walking freely in the sun without the illithid tadpole. In that moment, he freed himself from his tormentor and became invincible. Unfortunately, he's now forever blinded by his newfound power. He will never see himself the same again. In this route, he thanks you for helping reach his ascension and promises you protection from any who come to do you harm forever. He sees you as something to be owned, something to be dominated, but also something he has ultimate protection over. His powers will allow him to never let a bad thing happen to you, or to him, ever again. He even says something similar to this in dialouge. With all my previous history with sexual assault in mind, this was really, really appealing to me. To willingly relinquish my power and control over to someone who has undeniable power to keep me safe is appealing. I love how possessive and dominating he is over the player. When I am an object possessively controlled by an untouchable man, I too, become untouchable. It's a power fantasy. I wish I had someone so powerful to keep me safe when I was actually assaulted in my life. I wish I had someone to guard me like I was a precious item. Since it is just a fantasy, having you autonomy stripped from you is an obvious bad and wrong thing to happen in real life. However, this isn't real, this is fantasy. This is a romanticized power play fantasy. So after all of that, I just wanted to add some thoughts about how fans are treating each other with regards to preference in their playthroughs. Liking Ascended Astarion doesn't necessarily mean you are a bad person. Liking Unascended Astarion doesn't necessarily mean you are a good person. If you play through Astarion's good end and don't see the themes of sexual exploitation and abuse and come away from it with "Astarion is such a whore", then you don't have critical thinking skills.

If you play through Astarion's bad end and don't see the themes of cyclical abuse, manipulation and possessiveness and come away with, "this is more true to how Astarion ACTUALLY is, he was always evil", then you also don't have critical thinking skills.

What matters is thinking critically and decisively about why exactly you feel a certain way about his endings. I know other abuse surviviors will find Ascension to be disgusting and heartbreaking, which is entirely okay! I know there's people who haven't been assaulted or abused that will find Ascended Astarion hot, which is okay too. I just ask these people to think critically about what you're talking about before jumping onto "don't yuck someone's yum", coming from someone who likes Ascended Astarion. I also ask that people to not be so hot on the moral highground game when it comes to this too. Sometimes people have real reasons to why something like this is appealing!!

So uh I think I'm done with what I have to say, but let me know what everyone else is thinking about it. I don't want this to come off as a drama post, more like a character exploration and analysis with personal anecdotes/accounts in regards to the character. I'm always interested in different takes and opinions!!

Thoughts on Ascended Astarion as a victim of Sexual Assault

TRIGGER WARNING for mentions of sexual exploitation, rape, assault, etc. and SPOILER ALERT for BG3!!!!

Please don't read ahead if you don't wish to be spoiled on Astarion's "bad route" romance in BG3/BG3 in general or if you will be triggered by talk of rape/assault. I will not be censoring my words so just a forewarning.

I've seen a lot of talk about Ascended Astarion's romance route with regards to fan perception and I just wanted to throw my two cents in as someone who:

1. Relates to Astarion 2. Enjoys both versions of Astarion 3. Is a Victim of Sexual Assault

My thoughts below the cut:

For context: My first playthrough with Astarion was his unascended route. I didn't try to make Astarion overwhelmingly a "good" person. Honestly, I came into my first ever playthrough of Baldur's Gate as kind of a "people pleaser" to all the characters. I wanted to be as accepting as possible since I don't really know a lot about DnD lore (despite having been in DnD campaigns all my life, I literally own a couple of the Dungeon Masters Guides, lol). For example, Shadowheart. I didn't want to dismiss her religion as evil or wrong, I kind of was pro Shar worship right until I found out the Nightsong was a person. I was approving of her ascendance to a Dark Justiciar literally the entire time right until I made the split second decision to let her hear the Nightsong out. Same goes for Astarion. I was totally, 100% on board with him taking over the ritual from Cazador. I thought what better timing to get him ascended and feel safe again. So I struggled through the Cazador battle and saved right before big decisions needed to be made. I went for unascended first and god damn, him stabbing the hell out of Cazador and weeping at his corpse made me extremely fucking upset. Such a brilliant character arc for him in that moment. Afterwards at camp, I saved my progress and went back to Ascend Astarion.

So here's where my thoughts about the whole, "Is it bad to find this hot?" comes into play with Astarion's Ascension.

My first reaction to the Ascension scene was honestly joy. I was happy he got to give the same punishment and torment onto his abuser that he recieved. In my opinion, just copying the ritual markings before Ascending wasn't enough. I wanted to see Astarion torture the ever loving hell out of Cazador.

Then Astarion ascends. I was remembering how in his good route, he tells you something along the lines of, "I almost lost myself completely in that room, thank you for seeing me as good enough just being myself", and felt really, horribly bad I let him ascend. The power of the ritual and the safety it promised made him think and act out of character as stated by the text. I went ahead with the save I was on and killed the Gur hunters as well. At camp, Astarion offers to turn your Tav into a vampire spawn. He says it'll be different than what he was because he loves you. I went ahead with the scene and turned into a vampire spawn.

(More Cont.)