#also i don’t think britney was bitter i just think she was clearly never gonna vote dan even pre funeral

[thewingedwolf]

everyone is fujoshi posting on twitter and i helped get a moot into danian but now everyone’s discussing whether ian or dan deserved the win and all my moots are ianwives so i can’t speak my mind which is that i agree with janelle he spent a summer gaslighting you, he didn’t bully you, he didn’t isolate you, he just made your question your sanity for fun and money GET OVER IT YOU BABIES YOU SHOULD HAVE HANDED HIM THE CHECK

[thisisthetyty]

COMING OUT TO KEN

           I came out to several people before actually ever saying the words ‘I’m gay’ out loud. The several friends I told were all told through text messages; a technological development that wonderfully enabled my anxiety. Something about telling this person was different though.

           Ken was the youth pastor at my church. Now don’t let your mind wonder to scary places that involve him trying to exorcise the gay out of me in a dungeon by candlelight or some shit. He was my friend, and a totally postmodern type church pastor. We went out to eat with him (we even dine and dashed once by accident), talked to him about girls (I’m still waiting for my Oscar to come in the mail) and farted in his presence. He was a big part of this extremely confusing time of my life as a source of advice, comfort and support.

           I set up a time to talk to him in private after a sermon one week. The day of, I put it off as long as possible. I talked to the stragglers after the service. Even after Ken’s wife came and told me he was set up in this room whenever I was ready, I hung around a few more minutes. He was in the production booth in the auditorium. He was recording two of our worship leaders sing a few songs up on stage. When I ran out of people to talk to I bit the bullet and went. We made small talk for a few minutes. Then I was silent for the several minutes preceding the words.

           We were in a big room full of many distractions. There was a mixing booth in front of us. If you’ve never seen one, it’s a huge booth full of endless knobs and dials and lights and labels. There were hundreds of empty seats in front of us. There were curtains and spotlights hanging from the ceiling. There were huge panel windows looking out on to the busy street. There were the two people on stage singing to their guitars. There was plenty for me to look at while postponing saying the words I had been waiting my whole life to say.

“I’m gay.”

           He didn’t say anything immediately. He couldn’t. I wouldn’t shut up. Saying it opened the floodgates. I had classic Cady Heron word vomit. I told him when I knew, that it wasn’t my fault, what I wanted to do going forward, who I had told, who I hadn’t told, why I hadn’t told my family, how afraid I was to tell my family, how it effected my faith; everything. He sat in silence, and just listened as I rambled on for the longest time. After stoning him with my life story he finally had the chance to talk. He didn’t postpone his words. He told me he loved me, that nothing had changed and that he would be there for me for whatever I needed from him. When I stood to leave, he stopped me.

“You’re not just leaving after that.”

           He pulled me into one of the top five hugs of my entire life. Several years removed I can’t recall the exact words said that night but I remember the feeling of that hug perfectly. In that embrace I felt acceptance like I hadn’t before. In all of my previous coming outs I had never felt that. They were all words on screens: cold, calculated and callous. This was the coming out I needed. Can we just pretend like this was my actual first coming out? Kay, thanks!

           Which made the blow that much harder when two months later he informed the high school congregation that he was moving out of the state. It was devastating. The few months that followed featured me crying, cutting school to go home and cry, fleeing church sermons to run to the bathroom and cry, etc. I think that time of my life and when Taylor Swift’s Speak Now came out are tied for the times of my life where I’ve cried the most.

           The timing of his departure also proved to be detrimental to me over the years. It was junior year. If you’re familiar with the American schooling system you’ll know that is one year before senior year, which is one year before you leave for college. Up until that point I had been visiting Christian schools with my plan being to go work for a church. And then God ‘moved’ my friend and pastor to move to Kansas for a church there. Those were Ken’s words: he felt “moved” to go to this other church. Needless to say, I was turned off by God’s ‘plan’ at that exact moment.

           Out of bitterness I couldn’t fathom going to any Christian school. Time was ticking however. Enrollment deadlines were approaching. Plans had to be made. Where was I gonna go to school? What was I gonna do with my life? Those were the decisions I had to make in the aftermath of one of the biggest heartbreaks and game changers of my life. What could go wrong?

           Around that same time my life had also been changed by the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards. That is not a joke. But you are allowed to laugh. That award show changed my life. I was by no means sheltered growing up; we listened to Britney Spears in my house. I just never really paid attention to pop culture. Then that award show came on. Let me give you a brief recap just in case this broadcast didn’t have as lasting as an impact on you as it did on me.

·Madonna gave a speech about the recently deceased Michael Jackson, and I was apparently the only one that found it touching

·A tribute performance to Michael Jackson, featuring Janet Jackson and my tears

·Russell Brand, a man who’s vernacular and accent I’ve always been envious of, hosted (he’s also the reason I know the meaning of the word vernacular)

·Beyoncé performed ‘Single Ladies;’ what more can you ask for?

·The infamous beginning of Kanye West and Taylor Swift’s treacherous relationship that haunts Facebook’s trending news stories to this day

·Beyoncé invited Taylor back on stage and completed her transformation into a higher being far better than us petty mortals

·Jay-Z (whose name was still hyphenated at the time) and Alicia Keys got stage bombed by Lil Mama, of ‘Lip Gloss’ fame, while performing

          Clearly, this wasn’t your mom and pop’s award show, folks. So for the second time in my life I related to Lil Mama (my lip gloss also caused some “jocking”). She was so inspired by the spectacle in front of her that she had to stand up and join in. That was my plan. I wanted to join that world. Being the seemingly talentless hack that I am though, meant I would not be up there singing, dancing, playing an instrument or in any way be performing. I could get around that. I enrolled at Middle Tennessee State University to graduate with a degree in Music Business. Because of the 2009 MTV VMAs. And everything worked out great. Sooo great.