#also i didnt realize i was in present tense as i was writing lol i do past and present without clocking it

[summers-pratt]

I was tagged by @disco-tea to post a snippet of my WIP but ohoho the joke is on you my friend, I don’t have ONE! I have a lot. None of them finished. So actually the joke is on me. The clown who can’t finish a story to save her life. anyway here’s wonderwall

Spike jerks awake. Which is weird because ghosts don’t sleep. Or whatever the hell he is. Constant waking numbness. Except now even the numbness isn’t constant. It’s been replaced by a burning throb in his right hand. He raises his hand to his eyes, moves it further back, back up close almost touching his nose, staring blearily at it, unbelieving. For the time since the creation of the melted, twisting scar, his palm is an angry red. As if it had just been on fire again.

About 5,400 miles roughly to his right, Buffy’s eyes jolt open and she sits up, gasping for breath, tears of grief (usual), frustration (not unusual), and pleasure (very unusual) streak her face. Something is burning. On her body (in her body?). Her fist is clenched. She opens it. The burn scars that now decorate her left palm, the ones she refused to let any doctor or nurse or witch even assess, are on fire. Or at least, they feel like they are. They’re red and raw and burning. For the first time since they were formed.

this is from a post-chosen fic I’ve been rotating in my head like a rotisserie chicken for over a year. If you’re ok with gory stuff and suicidal ideation/self-harm, I also included more from this fic under the break. It’s pretty dark bc I enjoy reading that kind of stuff but it is totally not for everyone and that is a-ok, you are in no way obligated to read anything further :)

except for this last bit @thoughtsofahouseplant I know u have a wip give the people what they want ok now you don’t have to read anything further

She’s barely out, five seconds tops, the wind knocked from her lungs and sending her brain into a brief but blinding flash of nothing. Except pain. Or maybe relief. Both probably. Either way the haze is over before she can settle into it, and then a long stinging sensation steals her muddled focus. It’s on her left side, in her arm, forearm, something is stuck in her flesh. Pulling her reluctant eyes open, she moves her head to look over at her arm and the rather impressive sized shard of glass stuck in it. It’s longer than half of her forearm and wedged in there like it was trying to burrow inside of her.

She considers it, still only half aware, turning her arm as far as it will go either way, flexing her fingers- okay not flexing her fingers. Must’ve gotten some tendons. This fact bobs up from the muddled waters of Buffy’s hazily conscious mind into a twinge of acknowledgement.

The glass is catching the light from the streetlamp down the sidewalk. Buffy looks up the side of the building she’s sitting next to. What remains of a third story window glints and dully sparkles around her, a mosaic of destruction, and she the mixed medium center piece. Well, that could’ve gone better.

She looks back down at her arm and the glass now adorning it. She moves the intruder a little. It makes a small, squelchy, sucking sound but doesn’t budge. Buffy thinks she may feel it brushing against those now defunct tendons; it’s really stuck in there. It starts about an inch from her wrist and cuts a tight valley down to about the widest part of her forearm, right before the curve starts to bend into her elbow.

Something tickles the base of her skull. Not a vampy tickle, a half-forgotten fact tickle. The cut the glass made is almost exactly in the most dangerous location for one to have a cut on one’s forearm. If she were to pull the glass from her arm, she would bleed. A lot. It’s just basic knowledge. Cuts, blood, bleeding; Buffy knows these things. Of course she does. It comes with the job. Why wouldn’t she know this? Just a fact.

Buffy tugs on the shard again, this time with a little more force. It pulls free about half an inch. Her arm bleeds a little more. She tugs again. Another inch. A little more blood. One more good tug and she’s holding the glass in her right hand, the glow of streetlights dully reflected and thrown across the cement of the ground. She looks at her arm. Yup, that’s bleeding a lot. One might say gushing. Buffy just stares at her arm, the small stream of blood flowing over the side of her arm and pooling on the sidewalk where she fell. She looses track of how long she sits and watches. Then her gut lurches and the fact slams into her that that’s a lot of blood and she stands (it was a wobbly process but she manages it), and starts heading back to headquarters. Base of Operations. Mission control. Thinking of synonyms is weirdly helping to distract from the slicing pain now getting its revenge for being initially ignored. She stops in a doorway to some sort of ratty store to catch her breath, stop that tell tale white haze from getting too thick. Shit, how much blood was she losing? Too much if she needed to stop and rest after two blocks. She rips a strip from her shirt, making a makeshift tourniquet with it, and holds her arm to her, trying to staunch the bleeding from her arm with her chest. Using her teeth to pull it tight, she closes her eyes and leans her head back on the door. It’s thick and wooden. Probably old. A lot stuff around here is. She doesn’t mind it.

She takes a few massive breaths and pulls herself to standing. Wooziness at a minimum. She’ll take it. Keeping close to the building, Buffy again starts in the direction of Outpost Number One. Okay that one really sucked. She needed to get her arm stitched up and like a gallon of orange juice in her. Ugh, it was going to be long sleeves for a few days now, to avoid any concerned questions and worried glances. She got enough of those from her general demeanor and it had started to get old about three hours after it started back in California.

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

omg i didn't realize the last three (four if you count revisions on this one the first time through) projects i've worked on have all been first person?? or mostly first person?? (side-eyeing rell.) i....forgot?? what third was like???? send help it looks funny and i don't know what i'm doing with my life right now

[no-heart-no-soul-t]

IDK WHAT TO CALL THIS :)

Okay so. First time writing something.... don’t judge, I used Milli’s and mine names bc it was easier for me to write like that?

Also timeline is really bad because idk... jdadn first time writing a story QwQ

Whoever is going to read this I am sorry :)

pairing: Milli x WooYoung (love you @jaes-sweaterpaws​ <3)

genre: crack? fluff? IDK d sdskdsad

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First day of uni after holliday? Boring as hell. 

That’s what went through Milli’s head when she woke up to her alarm blasting through whole apartment. She just turned it off and rolled over bed, snuggled to her blankets and tried to drift back to sleep. That’s when her roommate woke her up by splashing cold water on her. “Good morning sunshine.” Tami smiled at Milli and went out of the Milli’s room. To be exact she wasn’t happy by the way Tami woke her up and yelled at her “YAH! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!”, and Tami yelled back ���BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE LATE LIKE LAST TIME!”. Milli went to do her morning routine. “I made you omelete, eat and I am going to go change,” Tami called at Milli from the kitchen.

The two finally went to uni. Milli is studying IT major while Tami is studying English major. Their schedules were so different, but always found time during lunch to talk with each other. Cheesy as always. They said their goodbyes in front of the main building and went to their classes.

Milli came to classroom all tired and dead on the inside she just put her laptop on the desk and laid her head down on her hands. Suddenly she heard someone pulling chair next to her and that startled her. When she looked up she saw a guy she has never seen in her classes.

“Oh, did I startle you? I am sorry,” says the guy with apologetic smile. She just stared at him. Why did she stare? First, because she never saw him. Second, he was so beautiful it hurt her on the inside.

“Are you okay? Did I scare you that much?,” he asked all concerned about her. “Ah oh no, I just- I have never seen you here before,” she said while scratching her neck. “Oh, right. I am new here. Me and my best friend changed uni’s. My name is WooYoung. Nice to meet you,” he said with a sweet smile while looking at her. “Milli. Is your friend also IT major?,” she asked while looking behind him. “Ah you have a beautiful name and no, he is English major. With dance on the side, well I have dance on the side too,” said with a wink her way. She blushed but then realization hit her “Oh! I have a friend in English major too.” “Really? What’s her name? I can text San to introduce himself so the four of us can sit together at lunch,” again that sweet smile. “Her name is Tamara, but she prefers Tami,” WooYoung took out his phone and started texting, “but, you want us to sit together at lunch? Why?,” she asked all confused. He looked at her beautiful green eyes and said, “Yeah? Why not? I just… you seem like a nice person. Plus you are the first one I am talking to in this uni who isn’t San. You don’t want to get to know each other?,” he asked all nervous, scratching his neck. “Ah no no it’s not like that,” she said while shaking her head, “it’s just that no one really wants to talk to me or Tami for some weird reason? I am just surprised that’s all,” again scratching her neck. He was going to say something but she cut him off - “We will surely join you and San for lunch,” she smiled. “Perfect!” he said all excited.

In the middle of lecture Milli’s dm’s on tumblr started blasting up. Tami and Milli prefer Tumblr because they found each other on it and became best friends thanks to that.

angelicdemontami: THE FOK angelicdemontami: HOW SOME HOT GUY JUST ASKED ME TO GO TO LUNCH W HIM? angelicdemontami: anD HE SAID U WILL BE THERE?! SPILL THE TEA FFS

jaes-sweaterpaws: is his name San? angelicdemontami: YES NOW SPILLDALDLSADL jaes-sweaterpaws: yah chill… his friend asked me to lunch with them but i told him you are also eng major like his friend 

angelicdemontami: SO?! how he knows me or sndajpodôa

jaes-sweaterpaws: i told wooyoung your name and he texted san your name i guess??

angelicdemontami: BISH he doenst kno how i look wdym?!! 

jaes-sweaterpaws: maybe he asked someone and they pointed at you?

angelicdemontami: k, makes sense...but still THE FOK?!!!! 

jaes-sweaterpaws: chill out and concentrate on your lecture smh owo also cya at lunch uwu

angelicdemontami: imma kill ya :) he is so HOT 

angelicdemontami: wait he lookin at me the FOK-------

jaes-sweaterpaws: going off bye byeee~~~

angelicdemontami: wAIT NO!

Milli closed Tumblr page while chuckling and started to take notes. She didn’t notice that WooYoung was looking at her whole time how she smiled at her screen while texting with Tami. After that Wooyoung’s Facebook chimed from new messages. When he opened them he saw they were from San who has a nickname “SanTan”, because let’s be real, his duality? Even WooYoung doesn’t understand that. Ironic, because San calls WooYoung “Sexy Performer”, San always says he is too sexy to stay alone.

SanTan: yo that girl Tami? she cute

SexyPerf: is she? 

SanTan: yes god bless the girl u made friends with

SanTan: also… where we will meet? 

SexyPerf: I should thank god for meeting Milli lol.. and Idk that pinkish coffee shop nearby?

SanTan: yessir! 

Lecture ended and WooYoung leaned in to Milli, “Hey sooo… about lunch.. let’s go to that pinkish coffee shop nearby?,” “Sure! We love to go there. Almost no one goes in there,” “Perfect! See ya there!” WooYoung smiled and went out of classroom.

Lunch was already here and Milli and Tami were sitting at the coffee shop waiting for WooYoung and San. “So… how did you get to talk to WooYoung?,” Tami asked while sipping on her Iced Lavender Tea. “Psh. I was taking a nap on my desk like usual and he startled me by pulling the chair right next to me,” “You mean the chair that no one sits on?,” “Yes, exactly that one. And he apologised for startling me and we got to talk to each other and yeah somehow he asked me to go to lunch,” “hmm hmm.. oh there they are?,” Tami asked while looking out the window, habit she has while thinking about something.

WooYoung and San entered the coffee shop and looked around. San’s eyes found Tami and he nudged WooYoung and pointed to their table. When they sit down (WooYoung next to Milli, and San next to Tami), they greeted each other. “So… what should we get at this coffee shop?” WooYoung asked while looking around. “Depends what are your preferences,” Tami replied while munching on her baguette. Her dry humour present anywhere at anytime. “Hm… what are you having?,” San asked looking at what Tami had in front of her. “Four kinds cheese baguette with bacon, vanilla muffin and Iced Lavender Tea,” Tami answered looking down, refusing to look at San. “And what do you have?,” WooYoung looked at Milli. “I have ham and cheese sandwich, chocolate muffin and caramel macchiato,” she answered while looking at Tami who was very nervous. Waiter came to the table and asked the boys what they wanted. “I’ll have four kinds cheese baguette with bacon, vanilla muffin and Iced Americano,” San answered and after that WooYoung, “And I will have ham and cheese sandwich, chocolate muffin and also Iced Americano.” Waiter looked at them and then at Milli. She just shrugged and said, “I guess they believe us, not like you Brian.” Brian scoffed and said “Wait till Jae hears about you going on dates without telling him first place,” “It’s not a date. Also where is my BFF Jae?,” Milli asked while looking around. “I don’t know. You are his BFF, Milli, you should know,” Brian said while smirking and going away. She just scoffed and sipped her macchiato. “You know each other?,” San asked while looking at Brian who was already making their orders. “Yeah, we got to know each other during one party we were dragged to by older kids,” Tami answered while again looking out the window in thoughts, “and somehow we became friends with love-hate relationship,” she added and kept on munching on her food. “We just became best friends? Me and Jae, and Tami and Brian,” Milli also added while looking at her glass. Brian came with their orders and looked at Tami, “Hey, you okay angel?,” all concerned. “Oh? Yeah… just thinking about school stuff..,” Tami answered totally out of it. Everyone, except Tami, saw how San tensed after hearing Brian say “angel” to her. Brian looked at him with confused look and then back at Tami, “Well if you say so. I’ll bring you your tea to go,” Brian answered and went back to work after some students called him to take their orders. 

They continued to talk to each other while eating. Everyone was having a good time, except Tami. I’ll just ask her later what happened, Milli thought.

After lunch they all went back to their classes. San and Tami had their next class together while WooYoung and Milli had separate.

While at class WooYoung texted San,

SexyPerf: yo, ask Tami for Millis facebook or num or somethin

SanTan: hmm why didnt u ask be4

SexyPerf: i forgot stfu can u do dat?

San sighed and nudged Tami’s arm which startled her and she looked at him with big grey eyes.  “Sorry didn’t want to startle you. I just- WooYoung asked me to ask you for Milli’s sns or number,” “Oh no it’s okay I was just deep in thought,” she said with soft smile, “and yeah of course here’s her Instagram,” she said while writing Milli’s nickname on Instagram. San texted WooYoung Milli’s instagram and got only “thx” as reply. He shook his head and then realized he should ask for her contact info too. So he gently nudged Tami and smiled at her “Sorry, buuuut… can you give me also your contact info? I just… want to be friends with you and yeah..,” Tami looked at him all confused because no one ever asked for her contact info. But then she wrote at paper her Instagram and looked back at her laptop taking notes without saying anything. San just chuckled because he found it cute.

Meanwhile Tami’s Tumblr dinged with messages,

jaes-sweaterpaws: u gave san my ig?

angelicdemontami: yeah he said wooyoung asked for yo contact info

angelicdemontami: why?

jaes-sweaterpaws: bc wooyoung followed me and san also and i didnt give them my ig so i found it weird lol

angelicdemontami: ah yeah should have write u 1st sorry

jaes-sweaterpaws: nah is okay 

angelicdemontami: wdy want to eat today:)

jaes-sweaterpaws: les go to that thai place at the end of street that just opened

angelicdemontami: YAY CaLL

jaes-sweaterpaws: should ask wooyoung if he and san want to join?

 Tami looked at screen all nervous and thought about it.. Then she looked at San who was looking at his laptop screen taking notes.

angelicdemontami: yeah sure

After that she closed Tumblr tab and got back to taking notes. 

WooYoung heard his phone vibrate with message. He looked it was from Milli on instagram and instantly opened it.

millispawspaws: hey wooooo! wanna join me and tami for food after uni w san?

WooYoung smiled while replying,

woosexyperf: yeah sure 

woosexyperf: where?

millispawspaws: new thai place at the end of street

woosexyperf: sounds nice okay  cya

millispawspaws: yay! cya!

This girl… WooYoung thought while texting San on FaceBook,

SexyPerf: Yo we going eat after uni

SanTan: huh ?

SexyPerf: milli texted me to join her and tami to that new thai place at end of strt

SanTan: ooooo okay cya

All classes have ended and WooYoung and San were waiting at the gate. After 10 minutes Milli came and apologised, “Sorry looks like it will be only three of us,” San looked at her and WooYoung asked, “Why? Where’s Tami?,” “She had to go to tutor someone. It came last minute. She said she is sorry…” after that they went to the restaurant and talked for an hour already. In the middle of conversation Milli’s phone flashed with incoming call from Tami.

“Yo Tami what-” “Milli come and take me home please,” Tami said while crying on the phone. “What happened? Where are you?” Milli all stressed asked while packing up. “I met Jake my ex while at the library and he… he made fun of me while kissing his new gf… and now I am a mess please just come and pick me up..” “I am coming don’t cry.” Milli stood up and just apologized and left the restaurant.

The next day Milli apologized again to the boys at the coffee shop. Tami came in, also apologized and sat next to San who pulled her closer and told her everything is gonna be okay.

~Time skip 6 months~

“Milli WAKE THE F UP,” Tami screamed at Milli who was still sleeping even thought it was already 10AM.  “Why are you yelling, Jesus, it’s Saturday..” Milli answered still drowsy. “Did you forget our outing with WooYoung and San? We are supposed to set of at 1PM!,” “Oh SHIT!,” Milli screamed while running around apartment to get dressed and looking like a human being. They planned to go to the sea and chill there for five days, since school was closed down for some reconstruction or whatever. They already rented small cabin right next to the beach.

It was 12:30PM when they heard knocking on the door. Tami went to open it. When she opened it, WooYoung and San just went inside while saying “Wassup~”, she just shook her head. “Where’s Milli,” WooYoung asked while looking in to the kitchen. “Packing up, she, again, overslept,” Tami answered while punching San on the arm because he ruffled her hair. “Yah! Stop punching me every second of my life,” San said while sitting on the couch. She just rolled her eyes and went to her room for her bags. Meanwhile WooYoung went to Milli’s room, where he found her packing up bikinis. He went in and back-hugged her, “My sweetie pie again overslept, I see,” “Stop calling me that, and what I overslept tch,” she just continued to pack her things. WooYoung pouted at her. 

When they came to the cabin Milli and Tami just ran in leaving bags with the boys, who just looked at each other and shook their heads. The cabin had four bedrooms, two on first floor, two on second floor, two bathrooms, one at each floor, and big living room attached with kitchen. First day was mostly about napping and eating. 

On the Second day, they decided to go for a walk around the town. WooYoung held Milli’s hand the whole time during the walk with the excussion of “not getting lost.”

Third day, was beach fun? Tami and Milli woke up at 8AM to go to the beach, while San and WooYoung were still sleeping. It was 10AM when San and WooYoung woke up. When they came to the kitchen they saw a small note, “We went to the beaaaaaaach~~~~ come find us later uwu -Tami and Milli,” boys just shook their heads and went out to find them. 

They found them, lying on the blankets, sunbathing. “Damn, they aren’t making it any easier,” San said while slowly going to them. WooYoung came and hugged Milli, who just screamed and smacked him on the arm, “What the HELL! Woo, I’ll kill you I swear,” and started chasing him around. They ended up in the sea just splashing water around and laughing. At some point, they ended up really close to each other. WooYoung was looking in to Milli’s green eyes, and slowly started to lean in. “What are you trying to do?...,” Milli just whispered while WooYoung pulled her closer. “Kiss you,” and he kissed her softly as if she was made of the softest glass. 

When they parted Milli looked at WooYoung all confused. “Milli, I-,” WooYoung tried to say something but was caught off by Tami’s screaming, “LEAVE ME ALONE JAKE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE,”. Milli came out of water and went to Tami who was screaming and pushing at her ex, Jake. “LEAVE,” Tami screamed again. San was nowhere to be seen. “Tami, let’s just talk huh?,” “NO. You CHEATED on me because I DIDN’T want to sleep with you after only going out for two months!,” WooYoung came and asked, “What’s going on? Who the Hell are you?,” while looking at Jake who was holding Tami so strong she was sure she will have bruises. “It’s between me and Tami. Leave,” Jake said while trying to drag Tami away. Suddenly Jake was separated from Tami and was on the ground. “Touch her again and I will kill you,” San growled at Jake while going to hug Tami to his side. “Who are you? How dare you touch her?,” Jake coughed while standing up looking at San. San just smirked, “I am her boyfriend. Some problem with that?,” Jake looked at Tami who was just covering at San’s side. “No. Didn’t know she had someone.,” “The HELL. LEAVE Jake you hurt her more than enough,” Milli screamed at him and shoved him away. Jake, at the end, left without a word. When he was gone Tami just packed up and went back to the cabin. Took shower, changed and locked herself in her room.

Milli sighed when she came to the cabin with boys. “It was her ex that cheated on her?,” WooYoung asked. “Yeah.. after that, she didn’t want to date anyone or catch feelings for someone. That’s why she has that “hate” relationship with every guy she knows,” Milli said while going up the stairs to take shower and change and check on Tami.

“San, you okay?,” WooYoung looked at San who was pacing around nervously, “If I ever see him again nearby her I will just kill him,” San said, finally sitting down on a couch. “I just, love her just like you love Milli. But, I can understand she wouldn’t get together with me,” San said defeated, standing up again and going to bathroom to take shower first. He went straight to his room and locked himself up same as Tami.

Milli came down and found WooYoung sitting alone on a stool in kitchen, “Where’s San?,” she asked looking around. “Locked himself in the room,” “Oh, he and Tami are really similar,” Milli said with small chuckle. She sat next to him and.. silence. After five minutes of silence WooYoung spoke up, “Look Milli, I really, really like you- no, scratch that. I am in love with you Milli. And I want us to be together. So- Will you be my girlfriend?,” he asked while holding her hand looking deep in to her beautiful green eyes. She looked at him surprised, “I--, Woo I--,” “You don’t have to answer right now, but I hope for a yes,” he interrupted with sad smile, and that sad smile made Milli spill, “I love you too WooYoung I really do,” “Is that a yes?,” he looked at her surprised, full of expectations, “Yes, Youngie, I will be your girlfriend!,” and he took her head instantly in his hands and kissed her softly and full of love. 

They didn’t hear small soft pit-patting on the floor but broke apart after, “So you two are finally together?”. They turned and saw Tami still crying and sniffing but also smiling at them, “Yes we are. But come here for cuddles,” Milli answered standing up and going to Tami. Tami backed up with hands up, “No, it’s okay… where’s San?,” “Locked up in his room,” WooYoung answered while hugging, together with Milli, Tami softly. Tami broke the hug and went to San’s room. “They should already confess their feelings,” Milli murmured. “Yeah, it’s really sad to see them going around each other and don’t confessing their feelings they have for each other for so long…,” WooYoung answered while back-hugging Milli. “But, now let’s just the two of us cuddle,” he whispered in to her neck, kissing it softly. “What about them?,” “They will figure something out… need time for themselves.” 

When they came in to Milli’s room on the floor, WooYoung started kissing her neck softly and murmured, “Gosh, I just love how you smell all the time,” he turned her around and started kissing her on the lips. First softly, then it became hungry kiss full of passion. They ended on the bed, WooYoung on top of Milli taking his shirt off, smirking at her, “Now, let’s have some fun.”.

[fvbelhaft]

A story about my old love.

I could say my relationship with him started in a good way, nothing really special, we were best friends. Just like the ordinary friendship, like the other. And I admit it that he’s the kindest guy i’ve ever met at the time. I dont tell my friends much about him bc i dont have any feelings for him and there’s nothing really great to tell. As the time goes, me and him got closer. We hung out a lot. with or without our squad (we were on the same squad). I talked to him everyday i guess, i mean not only just a face to face talking but literally everyday over chat and even if we’re at the same class he still talked to me over chat sometimes asking if ive done any tasks given, or asked whether i will go to canteen or not or everything, i also still remember that time we’re in the class but he talked over chat and asked me to make a smile on my face lol i remember i always gave that ‘unhappy face’, and sometimes he asked me to go out just to have a talk and as a good friend of course i’d love to, he also did school task really great, rarely skipped the school oh not rarely but never, and you have to know that he’s really great at playing his finger on guitar’s strings. omg i always adore the way he plays his guitar. well overall he’s such a great, talented, and obviously a fun guy to be around with. and eventually i fell in love with him. i dont expect that we could be something people called ‘a relationship’ bc i used to fall in love with my best friend, same case, i talked to hime everyday and boom i fell in love then it just didnt work out. so i promise myself not to fall in love with my bestfriend. tbh, i didnt mean to break it bc i didnt expect to have a relationship with him tho. lets just called it we were only get that skinny love where to people know that they have feeling to each other but too shy to admit it. well, we were. and i love it that way. no relationship, no status, no heartbroken. but then, right at the beach surrounded by the music that the wave made, he confessed his feelings and he asked me to be his girlfriend. how could i reject that? having a boyfriend which is also your bestfriend it’s just great. i’ve always wanted to marry my bestfriend. the first 3 months went well. we talked a lot, he came to my house, play around with my little sister, sometimes did our school tasks together, watching movies, and others. he met my mom, my uncle, my aunt well almost the whole family knew him and they loved to see me with him, i was so glad that everyone likes him. he had no idea my mom loved to talk about him to the family. told ya we talked a lot, about the past, the present and even a little about the future. no matter how crappy or happy my day was, at the end of the day i had something to look forward to — talking to him. It was as if he made my day complete. he gave me the reason to wake up the next day; to talk with him, to see him. he made me happy and contented. he always managed to make me smile even at my lowest and laugh even at my saddest. he made me realize that it’s okay to be me, plain and simple, no pretensions, just me. he made me feel cherished and special because he loved and accepted me just the way i was. he cared about me a lot. he loved to buy me some foods, what a kind of my dream boyfriend bc id rather have foods than a bouquet of flowers. you have no idea that it was almost in the middle of the night he came to my house just to give me some foods btw it was my favorite and he said that he missed me. he was on the tournament that made us seperated for only a week so he came to see me. it was not only once but he did it like really often. we also had a night ride, he picked me up at 2 am and i thought it was the best of the best memories he gave to me. and the other memories i couldnt tell too much more bc it makes me sad sometimes to look back and thinking that he is not the person he used to be. we were doing so great that it made me think that we could go on forever. til that day right on friday, 30th of oct i felt the change. he rarely reply my message, but im okay with that tho seriously. what i found strange was the replies. he replied with only a word not as usual he replied with words, emojis, but that day only a word like really. i mean im his girlfriend also his best fucking friend i could be his human diary whenever he needed. i wanna know whats the matter with him, if he needed me to go then i would but he didnt even say anything. been 4 days, he was still the same just like that friday. a cold man, closed mouth, short replies. i even got sick for thinking about him that made me have to skipped school on tuesday. i told him that i couldnt make it to school bc i was sick, he replied with a get well soon text without any emojis but i still expected that in the afternoon he would come to see me, but sadly he didnt. my mom was like “hey your boyfriend is here” but i knew it was a joke. im suffering. ive asked him to talk about this but he kept hiself away from me like he didnt want me anymore. then i decided to break up. because i think whats the point of staying when he wanted to go. i thought i was enough, i thought we would be okay, but i got it all wrong. I hold on even after you’ve let go. i tried fighting, fighting for him, fighting for us. i didn’t get tired. when it comes to him, i never get tired. But it hurts to see that he didnt do any efforts to make me stay while i was fighting so hard for him. no, i didn’t give up, i just accepted the truth that what you want was, to get away from me, to be free from me. it hurts like hell but i have to accept it thinking that it will make him happy. after all, my goal was to always make him happy even if i was not being part of it anymore. im sorry that i have always been selfish and i always think of myself, but with him, i could be selfless and give without expecting anything in return. that day when he asked for his freedom, i knew what was he really meant, i just wasn’t ready to let him go and will never ready of it. til that day, i gave him what he wanted. i’ve told myself it was for the best, tho actually i knew it was for HIS best not my best. after all, if he really wanted to be with me, he wouldn’t ask for it. maybe he loved me but he just didn’t want to be with me anymore. the sad thing is i have no idea whats the matter with me, with him or am i a boring person, i dont know until now. but if he asked me do i get bored on him? never in a million because i do love him way too much. and someone said that “it’s not about you’re boring. if he really loves you, no matter how boring you are he would stay in the name of love. because love doesnt care about how boring the person you love is, but love is about to stay and stick around no matter how hard the situation is” so yeah i broke up. i spent the next nights crying and locked myself at my room. sometimes i went to school and my friend found out that i had a kind of eyebags bc of crying and they asked whats the matter, i was really about telling them how i felt but instead of im just saying “im fine”. if you thought i could heal only a week or even a month, no i couldnt. i wasnt crying for only days, it’s been months and i cant even heal the fucking pain. he has been the kindest also the cruelest. im not angry nor sad, im more than disappointed and if there’s any words that could explain more than disappointed i would use it here. but breaking up with him making me became a writer. i wrote a lot about him.
tho it’s hard to write about him in the past tense because i don’t want what we had to be just in the past, i don’t want it to be just memories. i don’t want to be just a part of his past, i want to be in his present, and i want us to be part of each other’s future. but sadly there is only memories that left about him, those are what it will always be, memory. Our story may not end up with happily ever after. atleast i can tell my children someday i felt my happiest that once upon a time. i just wanted him to know that i will always care for him, no matter how much hurt he gave me — that was nothing compared to the happiness that he brought me. and also, i won’t be that cruel person, i’ll always care for everyone even they have hurted me so much. my life will go on but memories about him will forever linger in my brain. i know those things will make it harder for me to move on but i can’t help it. maybe it’s my unconscious saying that i don’t want to move on from you. maybe im still hoping that you will come back to your senses and come back to my life. Or maybe I’m just hoping and waiting and holding on because honestly, i still love you and i don’t know how not to. people say i should get over you. they say that i deserve someone better and he is just not good for me. they say that i will only get heartache after heartache if i continue on loving him. they told me to move on but they dont even know whats good for me and they dont even know how many times i’ve tried. i will get over you. someday.