#also i didn't intend it but it really speaks to how tiny younger is

[wickedcriminal]

"He's so teeny!"

So were you!!

[mercuryislove]

Once again, I’m late with a tiny grocery list. The questions were so good this week tho, like I really struggled to pick! Anyway, as usual, I’m excited to see your answers 😊

❌ for Ciaran

🍑 for Anwei

🌳 for Yixing

💤 for Vera

🌸 for Andhira

Please pretend it's still Friday so I can also pretend that this wasn't just posted three days later than intended lol

❌ What kinds of things would end any relationship for them? Is there a history behind why these things bother them? Could they ever take someone back despite this? If so or if not, why?

CHEATERS CHEATERS CHEATERS. If there's one thing Ciaran can't fucking stand it's a cheater. It's a totally unforgivable offense too. No second chances, no “i didn't mean it,” no “it was uhhhhh an accident,” no NOTHING. It should be obvious that one of the reasons he has such a hard stance because he's been cheated on! Several times for some reason! The first time it happened was bad enough because it was like. his first Actually Serious relationship and it turned out the guy had a second boyfriend for almost a year and was using him to boost his career lmao. And then the second time it happened with someone totally different, he was like “well. If I push this man in front of a bus, do you think I can get away with killing him?” And then the third time it happened like two hundred years later, he absolutely did hide the body and Anwei helped. The other reason he hates cheaters so much is because his already mediocre excuse of a father cheated with another woman while Ciaran and Anwei's mother was in the middle of cancer treatments, so he has zero tolerance for that bullshit.

--

🍑 Where is your oc's favorite place to relax or calm down? Recount a story of their time spent in this place! What makes it so special to them?

Is there anywhere your oc hates to go? Anywhere that stresses them out or have negative memories of?

It's hard to get to because it's on the other side of the planet, but Anwei's favorite place to go is what used to be her hometown. Obviously the landscape is wildly different and there isn't any civilization there now (it's kind of like the Hoh rainforest in the pacific northwest lol), but she still remembers what it used to be. If she looks closely enough, she can find little remnants of what life used to be like there. If she closes her eyes and listens closely, she thinks she can still hear the tram that ran down the main street downtown. When she was a largely unsupervised kid, she would get out of school and ride the tram up and down the main street because she had nothing better to do while waiting for either her mom to get off work or for her brat of an older brother to get out of his dance classes. So even after all that time, she can show up to a random fucking rainforest and still feel a strange sense of belonging to the solitude. As for places she hates, well it's pretty similar. It's the remains of the city where she witnessed firsthand the, uh, mass suicide event of the gods. (in the context of my dnd campaign, this city has been built and rebuilt like a thousand times and it's where the players like. home base is lol) I mean, watching the unnecessary deaths of tens of millions of people is enough of a reason to hate the place, but beyond even that the place holds so many grim and depressing memories that she would never go back under any circumstances.

--

🌳 Compare your oc to themself from ten years ago. How has their mental state changed since then? How have they aged and grown up? Would they say they're in a better place than they were back then or do they need help? What advice would they give their younger self? What advice would their younger self give to them now?

UM WELL. Yixing is a totally different person lol (generally speaking, he has been many different people because he's had a weird fucking life). It depends WHEN this question is being asked because there is a sizable difference in time between when the reader first meets and like the end of the third book. But for my own sanity, I'll say it's based on when we first meet him. So ten years ago was most certainly a totally different person. Um he had short hair. Ew. Why do you as a man have short hair? (WELL it wasn't short like what you think of when you think of short hair on a man, but it definitely wasn't long enough to put it all in a ponytail) Ten years ago he was in the middle of his ultimately disastrous relationship with Sonam, though at the time he was SO happy. He was also 25. UM I would say being away from her is an extreme improvement for him. So maybe he drinks way more and also has a couple of ribs that ache when he sleeps on one side and his hip clicks in the mornings but like. At least he's sort of happy. But those are all physical things!! From a mental standpoint, well he's in a better place in some ways and way worse in others because like. Trauma. (Once again I must reiterate that this man desperately needs therapy.) Better in that he isn't so naive and doesn't let people take advantage of him and can actually see a fucking red flag waving in front of his stupid face (though honestly that's up for debate). Worse in that he does NOT open up to anyone ever and has very little sense of self-preservation because he isn't worried about like. being alive for anyone's sake. Um, advice he would give to his younger self is 100% without a single fucking doubt: RUN. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. And the advice his younger self would give is like. quit being such dumb slut because you're going to get an std and/or an accidental child.

--

💤 What was your oc like as a baby, a child, and as a teen? How have they changed since then? What lessons have they learned and what things about their youth do they miss the most? Do they have any general regrets?

Vera was what I would consider a “difficult” baby lmao. The kind of kid that doesn't want to sleep, doesn't want to eat, fusses all the fucking time, randomly has problems that amount to nothing, etc etc etc. (I was a difficult baby!!! notorious for randomly just Not Breathing. Until I would turn purple!) And that translated into being an equally difficult child, but for totally different reasons because she was just a BRAT. Josef had his hands full when he agreed to raise her lmao. She was that kid that had a Smart mouth and made sure everyone knew it. She read too many books and thought she knew everything all the time. Also still a very picky eater. And she was an EXTREMELY angst-ridden teen, which like. she had good reason because the whole “my parents died when I was six and nobody in my immediate family wanted me and my black sheep of an uncle was the only one to step up and take care of me” thing, but she was still so so so difficult. Josef started taking her on hunts when she was 14/15 because she begged him to (she didn't care about the profession. She just wanted to see the violence), and found she had a natural aptitude for the, uh, murder, and it totally changed her life lol

The thing she misses most about childhood is how she would stay with Luka when she was too young to get dragged along on Josef's hunts. He served as a messenger of sorts (or maybe dispatch is the better word?) who would make the calls to hunters around the continent and/or hemisphere to give them information about their hunts and benefactors. Basically he called people and told them where to go and what to kill and how much they would be paid and who would pay them. Anyway!! When she was still little, she would sit on the floor of his office while he spent several hours making all these calls to hunters and benefactors, and he always had tons of art supplies for her to keep her entertained, so she spent so many days just like. painting and coloring and making weird little kid sculptures while sitting and listening to him speak to all of these people. Sometimes she would sit next to him at his desk and he would teach her all the things he said in other languages (and of course swear words, because he knew Josef wouldn't know if she was saying shit in Portuguese). As for regrets, she is STILL guilty about how MEAN she used to be to her uncles. Like. they were doing the best they fucking could with their weird fucking lives while trying to raise a weird little girl, but at the time she sure as hell didn't realize that. She was straight up vile at times as a teenager. They would get into screaming fights and she would run away or even threaten to hurt herself, and eventually she would calm down and apologize, but deep down she knew how much it hurt them when she lashed out at them. There were spans of time as a young adult where she couldn't even make eye contact with them because she was so ashamed and guilty for how she used to treat them.

--

🌸 What does your oc's voice sound like? Their laugh? Are they good at singing? Do they have an accent?

The most noticeable thing about Andhira's voice is that it's deep and sort of musical. Her native tongue is sort of singsongy and that quality comes through no matter what language she's speaking in. So I guess technically she does kind of have an accent? But she is completely fluent in most of the languages she speaks so that isn't too much of an issue. Her laughter is dependent on the company she's with. With people she's close to, her natural laugh is boisterous and husky, but in more reserved situations, she most certainly does that like. really demure/coy laugh where she fully covers her mouth and hardly makes a sound (which is also a good way of hiding your fangs lol). OR she just doesn't laugh lol. Can she sing? Yes,I guess? She's definitely had the time to train her voice, but she doesn't much care for singing (she leaves that to her mom). I imagine that singing comes naturally to her because of the lyrical quality of the language she grew up speaking. It lends itself very well to those kinds of like. folk ballads and such, if that makes any fucking sense.

[killerqueenjoy]

99 Question Tag

okay okay I know i got tagged to do this like a month ago on my main blog by @santonicababy iM SORRY LIN ILY BUT THIS WAS SO DAMN LONG

1) DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED

I sleep in the room where everybodies closets are and they all gotta be closed goddamn do you know how spooky it is to even have one open during the night

2) DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS

my parents do, but alas I don't use them in case they have silicones or sulphates in them because I got a whole lotta curls to protect

3)DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?

if this refers to the sheet protecting the mattress, then my answer is in because how the fuck would you be able to sleep with that moving around???

4) HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE

NO SORRY IM BORING

5)DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST IT NOTES

heck yeah, but for random shit

6) DO YOU EVER CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM

nee my parents are fancy fuckers who use the coupons on their phone (our local supermarket has a damn app skskksksk)

7) WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES

a bear because its one giant son of a bitch and not millions of tiny motherfuckers and also I've never been stung by a bee and intend to keep it that way because majority of my family seem to be allergic

8) DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES

nope! I have a couple beauty spots on my hands and face but thats kinda it

9) DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES

not really but if I've been told to smile then its 200% dead inside

10) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE

i find many things annoying

11)DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK

only when i go up and down stairs, but i also try to make sure i step with each foot equally (if that makes sense) and i step on only certain colour tiles when im bored

12) HAVE YOU EVER PEED IN THE WOODS

the real question is have i ever been in the woods? both answers are no

13) HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS

refer to question 12

14)ummmm idk what this question is meant to be curse you Lin

15)DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS

nope, the idea weirds me out

16) HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK

none, this week and in general

17) WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED

one person and a long yet smol doggo size

18) WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK

Eddie from the Rocky Horror Picture Show has been stuck in my head for the whole week so yeah i guess that

19)IS IT OKAY FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK

HeLL YEAH DUDE HAVE YOU SEEN RAMI MALEK IN PINK

SKSKSKSKS END MY LIFE

but yeah, anyone can wear anything they want to wear (although a suit made out of meat might not be wise)

20) DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS

dudeeeee scooby doo and tom and jerry are my jam I watch them on the regular (among other things)

21)WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE MOVIE

uhhm idkkkkk I tend to repress bad movies sksksk

22)WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME

idk shove it in the closet ig at least it will be hidden behind my sexuality

23)WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER

I usually only drink before or after but ig water??? cooldrink if I'm in a restaurant

24)WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN

depends on the nug

25)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD

How dare you assume i only have one favourite

tbh it depends cos i love pizza and pasta and stuff but then i cannot live with my granny's curries ksksmks

26) WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE

borhap, sing street, rhps, the natm movies, the harry potter movies, any mcu movies

27)LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU

ahhahahahahahha bold of you to assume anyone wants to do that

28) WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT

nope but I was a catrobat which is basically my preschools acrobatics team that was actually really terrible

29)WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE

nahh m8

30) WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER

this week for a transactional task at school (It was in Afrikaans and I got a C skskskks)

31)CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL IN A CAR

omg no

32)EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET

not old enough to drive!

33)EVER RAN OUT OF GAS

my parents never have for as long as i can remember

34)WHATS YOUR FAVOURITE KINDA SANDWHICH

cheese because I am actually John Deacon

35)BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST

MUFFINS!!!!

36)WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME

school nights its 11pm otherwise i dont have one lol

37)ARE YOU LAZY

YES BUT MY LAZINESS MAKES ME ANXIOUS OOF

38)WHEN YOU WERE A KID WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN

we dont celebrate that here but i rly want to it seems fun!

39)WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN

Ram, which is really cool because im an Aries, so I'm sheep squared

40)HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK

English, Afrikaans (at a basic highschool level), I could speak very vERY basic isiZulu when I was younger but I'm not sure about now, I know a bit of French and Telugu, and I'm gonna start learning Hindi soon!!

41) DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS

nee

42) WHICH ARE BETTER, LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS

i didn't play much with legos and i have no idea what the second one is rip

43)ARE YOU STUBBORN

to an extent

44)WHO IS BETTER, LENO OR LETTERMAN

I kept reading Leno as Lenin ffs

45)EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS

I watch them occasionally with my granny, but I don't keep up with them very well (Kasamh Se is my shit tho)

46)ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS

no, im afraid of falling in general tho

47) DO YOU SING IN THE CAR

My dad and I bop frequently to Never Gonna Give You Up in the car, and also classic bollywood songs (we have even learnt the choreography for some)

48)DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER

i perform

49) DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR

well theres not exactly much space

50)EVER USED A GUN

nope

51)LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER

not sure

52)DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY

most are but thats why i like them

53) IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL

we don't celebrate because we're not Christian (we still eat a lot and exchange presents tho), but it can get stressful if we have to visit extended family, mostly because my extended family loves to insult everything about me so thats great!

54)EVER EAT A PIEROGI

not i good sir

55) FAVOURITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE

never had one, it doesnt appeal to me

56) OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID

a vet

57)DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS

i am a ghost

58)EVER HAD A DEJA-VU FEELING

not that i remember

59)DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY

yes, I take a multi vitamin, a vitamin D pill because I'm vitamin D deficient, and im not sure if this is a vitamin or not but i take evening primrose oil so that im not outwardly a bitch due to pms

60)DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS

i wear slipper socks, because my doggo got jealous of my doggie slippers and murdered them in cold blood

61)DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE

i have one and rarely use it because i forget it exists

62)WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED

a random shirt and pants, though ive been known to kick pants off (ive been doing that since birth), occasionally i manage to get the matching pj set

63)WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT

ive unfortunately never been to a concert before

64)WALMART TARGET OR KMART

ive never seen any of these stores in my country

65)NIKE OR ADIDAS

i own neither

66) CHEETOS OR FRITOS

neither

67)PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS

Peanuts because thats my doggos name!

68) EVER HEARD OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN

no sorry

69)EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS

i went to a bhangra class for about a year, and we performed for our parents at the end of that year (i was in one of the few groups that didnt have to dance in lehengas thank goodness)

70)IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE

YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING

probably something creative, but I don't mind as long as they're happy with what they're doing and its not harming others!

71)CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE

yep

72)EVER WON A SPELLING BEE

never entered one, having to spell out loud makes me anxious

73)HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY

i think so

74)OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS

nope

75)OWN A RECORD PLAYER

i wish

76)DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE

my granny burns incense while I'm at school because my mom and i both get really sick when its just been lit and the smell is strong. Going to the temple is a damn nightmare because of it

77)EVER BEEN IN LOVE

no, too busy fangirling

78)WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT

oof a long list

Queen, Twenty One Pilots, Waterparks, Frank Iero and the Future Violents (ffs fronk stop changin the name), Panic! at the Disco...to name a few

79)WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW

refer to question 63

80)HOT TEA OR COLD TEA

both

81)TEA OR COFFEE

coffee

82)SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES

sugar cookies

83)CAN YOU SWIM WELL

i wouldn't drown, but im no professional either

84)CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE

im doing it right now

85)ARE YOU PATIENT

eh

86)DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING

I've only ever been to Hindi,Tamil and Telugu weddings and lemme tell you 90% of the time bands flop at those weddings because they can't sing the classics without failing miserably, so DJs are generally better. However, in that case, if a band can perform those songs, then I'd prefer a band ig

87)EVER WON A CONTEST

yep, a couple of reading contests

88)HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY

nope, not planning on it

89)WHICH ARE BETTER, BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES

dont like olives rip

90)CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET

i can knit!

in fact, my friends and i are so cool that we're in our schools knitting club (which besides myself, @grandfunnyemopainter and @imjustabruh , only has 2 other members)

91)BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE

lounge or study/library

92)DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED

i guess, its not on my goal list tho

93)IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED

no

94)WHO WAS YOUR HIGHSCHOOL CRUSH

currently in highschool, and in love with the borhap cast, sebastian stan, stephanie beatriz and band members (theres more but yeah)

95)DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY

nope, i have only two ways to deal, be a total pushover or a total bitch

96)DO YOU HAVE KIDS

nope

97)DO YOU WANT KIDS

kind of undecided, but i do want more pets

98)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR

Dark Blue

99)DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW

my dog, shes been ignoring me for about four hours now because I stayed at school for an extra hour (for knitting club!)

@softspaceboibrian @roger-taylor-owns-my-wigg @im-inlovewithmycar do it cowards

[dis-pose-able-blog]

Blue moon- vmin

Note: So hi? I was listening to 4 o'clock and well remembered that it was written based off of Jimin and then I like properly appreciated the lyrics once again because is a beautiful song and well I was like hey, why not write a one-shot based off of it... so I did and I ended up enjoying what I'd written (kind of) and well I wanted to publish it but it's a one-shot and I have no idea where to do so bc I'm too lazy to make a one-shot book :")

anywhore.... here's my one-shot based off of 4 o'clock and spring day! It's unrevised and fresh from my mind's womb! Enjoy!

-- -- -- --

I took a deep breath as the cold clawed its way throughout my body, and released it with the faintest rolling of steam slipping past my lips; the time I was unsure of though the moon was up yet I seemed to be the only soul risen with it.

My fingers numbed with the moonlight breeze, though that letter I wrote so long ago now was still firmly gripped between my fingers, it was for someone - someone I no longer have, I planned to read it to them though missed my chance and I've simply written a long, long letter to the moon. It was merely a corrupted file now for the mood could never equal that whom it was intended for - he shone brighter than the moon; everyone saw that but himself and I vaguely remember him whispering, on one of the last occasions in meeting him, that he was 'nothing more than a small lit candle in a life full of chandeliers' and I felt my face contort in almost anger yet the molten tear that radiated down my cheek, freezing my heart even more, told me all I felt was nothing but sadness toward the boy who'd sold his soul to the moon.

With a gruff weakness I wiped away the tears from my face and stood, allowing my feet to wander; my mind seeming to become confused between itself and the appendages for it began to wonder, tripping up and landing upon a desert - its once beautiful seas draining out through my eyes, washing a mirage of an oasis of happiness upon it whenever someone asks "how are you holding up?" with that condescending rub of the arm and a head tilt with that stupid tone of voice - I hate it!

I was so caught up in my thoughts, the brewing sand-storm halting at the sound of a song. Was it a bird song? That sound? Just simply a nameless bird calling out into the dark? Crying for its baby to fly back into the safe embrace of its delicately crafted fortress of a nest? Or was it you? Was it that voice I'd heard once upon a dream? Could it possibly that voice that brings a red-hot desire to see you once more each step I take this?

I found myself taking another step, one after another - I was running toward that voice, for it was more than just a nameless bird singing; so I followed it into the deep, into the ocean of darkness.

One step, another step. My grip tightening around the paper, the cold numbing being but something I ignored for I longed to see your brightness once again and I found myself stumbling into a park - one from when we were younger, happier... or were you never truly happy?

The sweet melody of your voice took me deeper into the darkness though I still couldn't find you. "Where are you?" My voice cracked and crumbled into the ground beneath my feet. "You?" My heart lurched and fluttered, I was pretty sure for a moment that repetitive thumping of it came to a complete halt upon the sight of you before me, swinging backwards and forwards shaded by the blue of moonlight, humming to yourself a tune of your own and it carried out into the night as if you were a siren calling sailors to their peril.

He's still as ethereal as ever, if not even more so- the way the light cascaded down upon him, he possessed none of his usual traits, however. His tan skin had been bleached into a radiant blue-white and his deep rose lips had been kissed with hues of navy and his once black hair had been stripped into a tincture of chalk white and there was something empty about his once full eyes - he was before me and yet something in him was lost.

"Why are you crying?" he turned to me and asked, though the oceans in his shaded eyes made me wonder too why he was crying - he'd gotten his wish and left. He did this; ran off and followed the stories of children of the moon; like Wendy, Peter and Micheal flying off to Neverland... except for this time he can't fly back. The window had been shut. Locked. Bricked up and he did it to himself.

I shook my head with a frown, running to his now standing figure, embracing him the comforting smell I'd begged my nose to remember hitting me in a strong wave, the welcoming arms and once warm, now cold, cage he'd delicately caught me in causing my heart to burn and shake and my eyes to drain the last of the oceans of my mind and I sobbed into his neck and he into mine.

"Why do you cry?" He repeated through sobs. "You and I are the only ones here - like it used to be - like you wanted! Me and you! So why do you cry?" his muffled cry of pain vibrated against my skin as my breath tried to catch up with me.

"You've been gone too long, Jimin! You left me! I loved you and you left me!" I screamed back, our voices creating a chorus of agony "You left us! I - we needed you and you left!" I tried to collect my shattered self, though the dim moonlight hindered me from putting the house of cards back together.

It remained quiet on his part, words seemingly caught in his throat as I choked out the words I'd been wanting to tell him since the day he left, I shoved the letter into his chest "read it when you miss us" I muttered, seated on another bench, though I hadn't realised we'd moved, I found myself leaning down and resting my head upon his lap, stray tears seeping out of my eyes as his fingers carded through my hair, that tune from earlier arising in his throat, a self-made backing track accompanying his words.

"Tae, I loved you, I did - do, even... Blaming yourself... don't do that. I had my reasons but you were not one of them i -"

"So what were they, Jimin?" I interjected, earning a flick to the forehead.

"Don't interrupt me, I'm older than you remember" we both half chuckled, a bittersweet exchange, however, it was refreshing - hearing his laugh for the first time, in person, after almost two years was beautiful. It was the only sound I could never get tired of and was something I never wanted him to stop doing. "Some things are best left unsaid, I had reasons and only I am to blame for my actions, don't let your heart freeze over, it's far too beautiful for that."

"So was yours and yet... you destroyed it. You did this, Jimin alas other people were also to hold accountable! You can't always blame yourself for the things that go wrong" I sighed, playing with the hand he'd rested upon my stomach "you put so much pressure upon yourself - destroy your mind with a self-made poison and it does nothing but brew trouble! You think I didn't notice how certain comments affected you, you think I didn't understand - that I'd reject you if you told me everything you felt, you thought that by putting on a brave facade that those thoughts, comments, judgments were hidden... well, they weren't! Not from me anyway! I knew it all! I should've helped you!" I gritted out through my teeth, looking up at him and sighing when I saw that lopsided half smiled he'd do and my eyes watered yet again, my mouth opening to speak yet again, though he silenced me with a small kiss - a tiny peck, a gesture that was reassuring yes though it seemed alien it'd been that long; my heart abducted and replaced with butterflies and fireworks just like it had the first time we kissed. He began to stroke my head again, causing me to shut my eyes and bask in the beauty and comfort brought to me under the blue the light of the moon shaded me with.

"I miss you." He started, his voice soft and broken "I didn't want to hurt you but I did, I came to apologise - to ease the pain, I came to erase the hurt and anger, to find closure and let go and yet I can't really let you go yet, Tae" he whispered "do you hate me for it? Would you rather forget my existence for leaving?" I stopped playing with his hand and looked to him.

"Yeah, I hate you; you left me, Jimin." I scoffed "But, the two years you've been gone? I've never stopped thinking about you and I don't plan to." I continued to play with his hand before linking them together "other people drove you into leaving-"

"Tae, it was my decision." He frowned, squeezing my hand "you keep passing blame and -"

"Because, Jimin! It hurts less than to blame you! Every day I want to see you, speak to you, you're my best friend, yet you're not there, you're gone and there's a hole in my entire existence now that you've gone and blaming you only seems to put salt on the wound and not only does it hurts but it makes me bitter toward you" my voice softened, looking to the man so our eyes were locked "and I can't bring myself to hate someone like you, Jimin. You're too... Jimin!"

There was an empty laughter, one that resonated in my heart, he sounded so pained, so broken that I recalled him using the same one just before he died. Looking up to the stars, he let out a breath before running his hands through my hair yet again, that tune from earlier bubbling up through his throat, this time in words, and out into the sky, a lullaby to the moon, a lullaby to me, a warning of the close coming pass of dawn.

You know it all, you're my best friend.

The sun will rise again;

no darkness, no season can last forever.

And, once the moon had fallen to sleep and the sun rose to suffocate my being, I sat up with a strangled, cold cry clawing throughout my body upon this dusty bench in a park somewhere just beside the city, the blue shade that'd been cast over me disappearing "J-Ji-Jimin! Please - don't leave me! Don't leave me again!" I said, trying to grab onto the soft hand stroking my hair.

"I'm sorry." It took one disgustingly warm ray of sunlight to wipe out the silhouette of the moon child before me, one final injection of UV rays to strip me of my Jimin once again.

[acidblackpirate]

A Bad Commencement 3

Hyde was scanning the room awkwardly.

Another happy gathering full of musicians he didn't know or couldn't stand.

He remembered the last party he had went to. What a disaster it had been.

A few weeks had passed and he still remembered the feeling of the cold floor against his bare knees, remembered yasu's expression as he left the office room and the loss he had felt for no specific reason.

Once more he looked around himself.

There was a fair chance yasu would be here today as well. They were colleagues, they knew the same people and attended the same events. Well, there was a reason why you didn't get involved with colleagues.

Hyde wasn't sure if he hoped or dreaded to see him again.

Although he had to admit that the young vocalist had left an impression on him – if that was the right way to put it - things between them had ended quite badly.

Nonetheless he was the only person Hyde thought of while standing in a room full of people.

“Hey, Hyde”, a voice called out and the sound of his own name made him flinch.

He turned around into the direction of the speaker and found himself facing a tall guy (well, taller than Hyde, which wasn't exactly tall, but still) with long, black hair. Hyde was aware that he knew him, even if he had troubles recalling his name or that of his band.

His attention was drawn to the man by his side, anyway.

And here we go, he thought dryly.

Yasu still looked gorgeous and the strands of his brunette hair seemed to be a little longer now than the last time he had seen him. He was wearing a casual shirt and tight pants that made his legs look very slim.

Before Hyde could decide if he wanted to panic or make up an excuse, yasu smiled at him.

He surely hadn't expected that.

It wasn't a very warm smile, and it didn't even reach his eyes, but his full lips curled up in a fashion that showed he was trying.

“Hey, long time no see”, Hyde said to the man who had called his name.

It had been a long time. So long that he didn't even remember his name. But he thought it safer to pretend and hope for the best than admit to it. His manager would kill him for seeming ignorant.

“This is yasu. He's a fan of yours, by the way”, the guy pointed to the vocalist by his side.

Hyde nodded shortly, not quite sure how to react.

His encounters with yasu so far weren't really the kind of thing you would tell to anyone.

“We've seen each other before”, yasu took over and his eyes trailed a little too slowly over Hyde's body. “In fact, I have seen an awful lot of him already.”

Hyde tried hard not to blush, remembering kneeling in front of him naked. Remembering his dick in yasu's mouth.

The fact that yasu was teasing him came as a surprise. He had expected him to be cold and distant, at best. Instead his voice sounded flirty, and Hyde didn't know how he felt about that.

He had thought about yasu a lot and looking at him now he was still beautiful.

But his pride had been hurt and he wasn't able to forgive that so easily.

The disappointment still stung.

“Nice to see you again”, Hyde managed, feeling the lack of words harshly.

He wanted to shout at yasu for treating him like that, and he wanted to apologize and beg for forgiveness and everything in between. The brunette vocalist made him feel weak in his knees in a way he couldn't quite explain.

“Me and yasu just wanted to grab some drinks. Wanna sit with us and tell us what you've been up to lately?”, the black haired man suggested.

Hyde did not want to at all.

First of all he wasn't sure if he really wanted to be around yasu. He had humiliated him, and he was also gorgeous. It was a dangerous mixture one had to be careful about.

And second – even if he did want to talk to yasu – doing so with someone else around would be only awkward. They hardly knew each other and already had a lot of secrets to share.

“I don't really feel like drinking”, Hyde shrugged. “I think I rather need a smoke.”

It sounded like a good apology to get away. He had been curious what it would be like to see yasu again. Now he knew.

It was bad.

He couldn't take his eyes of his face, of his dark eyes and glossy hair and shiny lips. He was beautiful in a way that Hyde would never possess because he had already fucked it up and that made him alluring all the more.

“That's so not like you”, the other man laughed and turned towards yasu to give a short explanation. “Usually Hyde is the first one to go for free drinks.”

Yasu smacked his lips, which made them look even pinker than before.

“I learned quite a lot about Hyde's taste at our first meeting”, he pointed out and his mocking gaze told him clearly that he had chosen his words intentionally.

Once more Hyde felt his own cheeks heating up and he turned away hastily.

“See you guys around”, he waved and made his way for the exit.

Yasu's behaviour had irritated him and he didn't know what to make of it.

Deep down he had expected the whole story to be over, the two of them never really talking to each other again. Maybe he had also expected that there was still anger between them, but instead he felt a weird tingle down at his stomach, caused by the way yasu had smiled at him.

Hyde knew that he behaved like an idiot. Only an idiot would make the same mistake twice.

He stepped outside of the building, inhaling the cool night air greedily. His head felt a little clearer already.

He had made a narrow escape. Good for him that he hadn't decided to stay.

Much to his surprise the street in front of the building was completely deserted. Everyone was trying to quit smoking lately, or maybe he had just caught a peaceful moment.

He fumbled for his pack of cigarettes, realizing that he had left it inside the pocket of his jacket upstairs. It was still warm outside, but slowly the leaves started to change their colour, and he scolded himself for having forgotten his jacket. Another sign that he was an idiot. His mind had been on things it shouldn't be paying attention to.

For another moment he just stood there in the upcoming dusk, considering if the cigarettes really were worth the trouble of going upstairs again.

Down here it was quiet, and his loneliness had more space to itself. It felt less like it was crushing him.

Behind him the door fell shut once more and he turned around to see who dared to disturb his perfect silence.

It took him a moment before he realized that the other one didn't intend to speak first.

“I thought of calling you”, Hyde admitted after a while.

“But you didn't”, yasu pointed out quite correctly.

Hyde had thought about it over and over again and always dropped the phone in the last second.

He had wanted to see yasu again. Because he was fun and hot and maybe no longer mad at him. But his dignity had kept him from doing it. He had no intention of making a fool of himself once again.

“What did you come down here for?”, he changed the topic. “To make fun of me some more?”

Slightly yasu shook his head.

He wasn't quite looking at Hyde, and he had learned to read this sign of insecurity by now. Yasu was not scared of facing him in general, he only did it when he felt vulnerable.

“No, I wanted to apologize.”

He spoke softly, but there was no noise around to carry his voice away with it. The words kept hanging weakly in the air between them.

“It's alright, I understand. We both acted stupid”, he brushed it off, although he wasn't quite sure how much he meant it.

He didn't know whom of them deserved an apology.

“Still, going for revenge like this is pretty pathetic”, yasu admitted. “I don't know what had gotten into me.”

“So, can we start all over again?”, Hyde asked and caught yasu smirking.

“I'd rather only go back to the point where we were supposed to have hot make-up sex”, he grinned.

Hyde laughed loudly before he could make up his mind about it. He hadn't thought that yasu would make him laugh tonight.

“Haven't you had enough of me already?”, he chuckled.

Their eyes met and he saw the answer he felt deep inside of himself.

It wasn't just attraction he felt towards yasu. It was something darker, something that was raging and painful. It was the loneliness on his skin stinging like a thousand needles and it was anger and hate that wasn't directed at yasu at all. It was desire in its scary, tainted glory.

“Fuck”, he said softly, and then his hands were on yasu's neck and he was kissing him with all his anger and all his disappointment.

He kissed him to leave a scar.

But yasu did not push him away, but instead softened against him. His lips parted, but he did not move. He just stood still, allowing Hyde's tongue to enter his mouth and leaning a tiny bit into him.

Confused Hyde pulled back.

His own behaviour had confused him. What was he kissing him for now? Hadn't he learned his lesson? And moreover he was confused about yasu's behaviour. Why flirt with him and then not return his kiss properly?

Only centimetres away from yasu's face he stared at the other vocalist, his dark eyes wide and obviously confused as well.

“I'm sorry”, Hyde mumbled. “I thought you wanted...”

A sudden smile rushed across yasu's face, but his eyes went dim almost immediately again. It was weird to watch, like a defect flash-light that was flickering when you turned the switch. Hyde wondered if maybe something inside of yasu was broken.

“Shut up”, the younger one whispered, casting a look over his shoulder towards the entrance door.

Then he grabbed for Hyde's arm without warning, his fingers closing firmly around his wrist. Dragging him around two corners yasu led him to the backstreet behind the building. The light of the street-lights was less bright here, and their steps sounded louder on the asphalt. It seemed a lot lonelier back here, too.

With a hard shove yasu pushed him up against the wall, his hand still on Hyde's wrist, holding it down. The stone felt cold and rough against his back, but yasu's body was hot as he stepped forward, pressing against him and not leaving him a way to retreat.

This time it was the younger vocalist kissing him, tilting his head to force open Hyde's lips, leaning into him greedily.

Hyde's shoulder blades were hurting just a little where yasu had him pinned against the wall, and his grip on his wrist was so firm he wondered if it would bruise.

But he didn't care. He felt helpless, but he felt something. He wanted to surrender, if that meant not feeling like himself any more.

What kind of person stripped down in an office building? What kind of person went on their knees in a cloak room?

Hyde thought of yasu's flash-light smile again.

Maybe both of them were slightly defect.

With his free hand he reached up, digging his fingers violently into yasu's neck.

As if in reaction to the touch he shifted his weight somewhat, slipping his leg between Hyde's thighs, pressing against his crotch.

Softly he moaned as he felt the pressure against his hard-on, while yasu's lips went down his throat, sucking and biting his skin as if he wanted to tear it off.

Hyde tried to shift his own body, but there wasn't enough space. Instead of backing off yasu moved his legs somewhat, rubbing his thigh against Hyde's crotch, causing him to moan once more.

Yasu's tongue went across his earlobe and he shivered slightly.

“I want you”, he whispered quietly, his words dying somewhere against yasu's neck.

He didn't dare to look him in the eyes.

He wanted it fast and hard. He wanted it before he could think about it. He wanted it before the loneliness would find him again in this shady backstreet.

Now yasu pulled back a little, his nose brushing against Hyde's, but it didn't feel tender. It felt like he was trying to build a small, private space where no one else could hear his words. His words were their secret, a secret between two strangers, the only thing keeping them together.

“I don't want to be used again”, yasu confessed in a low voice, and Hyde could hear the fracture in it.

“Use me”, he breathed back, also making sure that the world could not here his shameful words.

They had already shown each other their hidden selves. Hyde had revealed his desperation when he had gotten down on his knees in that conference room, and maybe yasu had seen some of his loneliness shine through as well. They had exposed how weak they really were and now they couldn't go back. The only direction to head into lay ahead. Faster, harder, greedier. They were trying to act tough to make up for the weakness they had displayed before. Hyde offered to be used to make yasu forget they had used each other before.

As if knowing that words could only make it worse, yasu grabbed for the back of Hyde's knee, pulling it up to his waist to slip into the gap created between his legs.

Yasu was now pressing against him from head to toe, and Hyde wrapped his leg around him to steady himself, half-straddling the younger vocalist that way. Since the other one had let go of his wrist by now, he managed to place both of his hands on yasu's shoulders, making sure he would be able to hold any position he was put into.

With determined motions yasu started to unbutton Hyde's pants, pulling them down at the back. Fabric was still covering his erection, since it was hard to strip down farther with his leg up like this, but he could already feel the cold night air creeping up from behind.

Yasu's hand was on his butt now, caressing him with teasing motions.

Hyde wanted to check on his expression, but he was too scared to catch his eye and make it embarrassing for both of them, so he turned his head away slightly, staring at a point on yasu's shoulder instead.

“Sshhh”, yasu made soothingly, before jerking his hand violently and pushing up two fingers at once into Hyde's inside.

Loudly he winced, a sudden jolt of pain running up his spine. Although he was used to this throbbing feeling up his ass, he was a little out of practice. Yasu should have started more carefully, and for a moment he considered telling him, begging him to be gentler on him. But then he thought that yasu might stop and that thought was even more horrifying than enduring the discomfort.

So he just dug his fingers into yasu's upper arm a little harder to keep his own voice in check.

“Ssh”, yasu made again. “It will feel better soon.”

He started moving his hand, slowly stretching Hyde with his fingers.

He gritted his teeth, but yasu had obviously noticed, because he turned his head now, still not meeting his eyes but kissing him gently.

His lips felt warm and his mouth tasted sweet and familiar by now. They were kissing slowly for a while that seemed to stretch into an intimate eternity.

Yasu's fingers were starting to feel good by now and he moaned softly into his mouth.

The other vocalist broke their kiss, bringing his lips closer to Hyde's ear.

“Okay, I'm running out of patience and I have no lube or anything here, so I hope you like it a little rough.”

His voice was somewhat deeper now than usual and he sounded almost threatening.

It gave Hyde the good kind of goosebumps.

“Just hurry, before someone comes looking for us”, Hyde exhaled under his breath.

Yasu gave a small, thoughtful hum, but then he let go of Hyde and unbuckled his own pants.

Hyde watched him as he pulled down the fabric, excitement now fluttering at the back of his throat.

Only now did he realize that he had not seen yasu naked so far. He had imagined his body in different ways already, but he was curious what reality would look like.

His hard dick was extremely pretty and Hyde suppressed the desire to touch it. He wanted to feel him twitch under his hand, wanted to caress him with his lips, but he knew that yasu would scold him if he reached out now.

Instead the younger one looked up, now meeting his gaze.

Once again a smile broke out over his face, and it made him look young and goofy. He had looked like that at their first meeting, too. So hopeful, Hyde thought.

“Jump”, yasu grinned wickedly, and for a second Hyde was confused.

But then yasu grabbed for his other leg that was still on the ground and he realized that he was actually supposed to hold on to him.

So he did hold on to his shoulders even more as yasu lifted him off the ground, the brick wall in his back keeping him steady and upright.

Instinctively Hyde wrapped both his legs around yasu, a little anxious if he would be able to support his weight.

But obviously he needn't worry, because yasu didn't even struggle with holding him up against the wall.

Hyde had never been in a position like this. It made him feel a little queasy, in an exciting way.

He had never had sex pinned to a wall like this. He had never had sex in a back alley. He had never had sex when someone he knew might walk by any minute.

It was scary and it was exciting, and it worried him that only now did he feel alive again since a very long time.

Yasu had his hand on his waist, the other one seemed to be busy with something else.

A heartbeat later Hyde found out with what, because he felt yasu's hot dick against his butt, and suddenly he thrust into him, drawing a surprised outcry from his lips.

Hastily yasu reached up, placing his hand over Hyde's mouth.

Hyde could feel him hot and throbbing on his inside, burning him a little, because he had shoved into him so hard.

“Keep quiet, we don't want anyone to hear you, do we?”, yasu whispered, still covering his mouth and thrusting into him once again.

This time Hyde's gasp got swallowed by his palm.

He felt helpless like that; not able to move, not able to scream. All he could do was hold on to yasu and surrender. He had to trust him, although his trust had been abused once before.

“Or would you like to be found like this?”, yasu kept teasing, while he picked up a steadier rhythm now. “Being fucked out on the street by another man like a whore?”

Hyde groaned in return, shivering against yasu as he hit a spot that made his whole body feel shaky down to his knees.

Through the fabric of his pants he was rubbing against Hyde's dick with each of his motions, and the sensation dripped warmly through his limps.

Yasu kept thrusting his hips forward hardly, driving Hyde against the wall with each shove. His back hurt, and yasu was fucking him roughly, but the pain mixed with pleasure, disappearing under the red curtain of lust.

His moans were swallowed by yasu's hand, his skin seemed to drink his voice, creating a silent space just for the two of them.

Next to his ear he could hear yasu's heavy breathing, but it was also muffled as if he was holding back his moans as well.

He had turned his face away from him, his lips close to Hyde's neck so that their eyes didn't have to meet.

Hyde was weirdly thankful for it. He had closed his own eyes, too, because he didn't want to see him either.

Whatever this was, it wasn't normal behaviour. Both of them had acted unreasonable from the very beginning, and although Hyde would have liked to pretend that it was something like special attraction, fate maybe, or even love; he knew that it wasn't.

He felt good right now, the cold night air, yasu slamming into him, his warm hand covering his face. But he also felt pathetic and disgusting with himself. It wasn't attraction driving his actions, it was the desire to hurt himself.

With his eyes still closed he ran his hand from yasu's shoulder to his neck, feeling the strands of his soft hair between his fingertips.

He wondered if yasu hated himself, too.

Another hard thrust quietened his thoughts. Red lights were flickering behind his closed eyelids, and then white ones. Fire was crawling under his skin, slow waves burning their way up to the top of his head and the back of his knees.

The other man was still pressing against his crotch, and with a loud moan that spilled out between yasu's fingers Hyde came into his own pants.

Suddenly he felt weak and relieved that yasu was holding him upright.

He kept up his motions a little while longer, then he slowed down and finally pulled back, letting Hyde down on the ground.

For a moment all he could do was lean against the wall, his legs feeling very weak and shaky from orgasm.

He took in a few deep breaths, watching yasu stroke his dick to finish off by himself and then white semen dripping onto the asphalt below.

Hyde fumbled through his pockets in search for a tissue and actually found one to clean up himself. After buttoning his pants again he let it fall to the ground, right next to where yasu had spilled himself.

Usually Hyde hated it when people dropped their garbage on the streets, but what else was he supposed to do with it? Keep it as a memory of shame? He had allowed yasu to see a side of him that he didn't like himself.

Only now did he turn around to check what the other vocalist was doing.

He had just lit himself a cigarette and was holding it out to Hyde now.

Thankfully Hyde took it, inhaling the soothing smoke deeply. It was a nice gesture, he thought, as he watched yasu light another one.

Lightening him a cigarette. Almost as if he cared for him.

The brunette man was not looking at him, though.

He had his face turned upwards as if he was watching something. Hyde followed his gaze and between two rooftops he caught a shiny piece of night sky, black velvet sparkling with diamond stars. It looked beautiful and unreal. The silence between them felt peaceful and only for now it felt like they were sharing something nice. They were sharing the stars and the quiet of the night, and for a moment Hyde did not feel lonely. Not nearly as lonely as he had felt during sex at least.

“I normally don't do things like this”, yasu said after a while.

“Me neither”, Hyde agreed.

He wasn't sure if yasu believed him, but then he didn't have to. For a peaceful moment Hyde didn't care what he thought of him. Of course it was him who had started their little game, but it wasn't like he often picked up guys to use them for casual blowjobs. It had been something about yasu's smile that had told him it would be okay to let his guard down just a little bit, and then he had gotten scared and started running. In the end he always got scared.

“Will you call me?”, he asked spontaneously.

Looking up at the stars he felt like it would be nice to share another peaceful silence with yasu soon. Or maybe even fill it with words.

As he looked over to yasu he could see him smiling. He looked a little happier now than before, too.

“Yes, I will”, he promised. “I will call for sure.”