#also i apologize i accidentally posted this before adding my tags being excited about it akskdjjf

[silverskye13]

I found a really cheap typewriter and I love the aesthetic of it, so of course I had to type out the tenets Helsknight lists in chapter 19 ^_^

[don-quixotine]

@miraculous-bullshit ask and you shall receive! :D (sorry I tagged you again!) Note: reposted to not clog poor @toujoursmiraculous post :D 

Interruptions 

based on this thread

For what it’s worth, it took a lot to upset Luka Couffaine. He prided himself in that. He was never one to make a big deal out of things, unless absolutely necessary. Mild inconveniences like being flipped off for accidentally bumping someone in the metro, someone cutting him in a waiting line, entitled moms berating him at his job, being made fun of, not getting his way with something; these were all easily brushed off.

It’s not that he didn’t care, he just knew there were bigger things to worry about than an asshole being an asshole. He lived in Paris, after all. A city that big was bound to be ridden with them.

However, he had learned something about himself recently: His weak spot was Marinette. His skin positively crawled whenever anyone tried to harm, belittle, mock, or otherwise wrong her. There was a second element to this pet peeve of his; he had also discovered that he hated when someone interrupted them. It wasn’t jealousy or anything. It was more the fact that Marinette being the sheer tornado of creative power that she was, was always up to something. Finding a way to squeeze himself into her schedule was already a feat in itself, so he prized every minute he got to spend with her.

Needless to say, this was the precise reason why Luka was so excited for the weekend. He and Marinette were going to spend the entire Saturday afternoon together and the first order of business was going to the park and get ice cream.

The first offense happened at the hands of someone he otherwise respected.

Marinette and Luka had set up a blanket on a spot under a big, hefty tree. The ice cream was already gone, and Luka was playing a few new songs for Marinette. He had, rather evidently, sat a bit closer to her in the hopes that she might lean against him. Which she did, inadvertently causing for Luka’s heart to skip a beat or two. Now that’s an irony, a musician missing a beat.

Sensing Marinette resting her head against his arm, Luka put down the guitar and tentatively shifted to try and bring Marinette into his arms.

Then it happened.

Out of nowhere, a blur of a person crashed down through the foliage of the tree, falling right in the middle of the pair, and effectively dissolving the calm of the moment.

“Meowch! Heh, sorry!”

“Chat Noir?” Marinette exclaimed, uncharacteristically annoyed as Luka and her crawled from the pile of cat on top of them.

Chat Noir scrambled to his feet and gave them a sheepish smile. “Apologies er, fellow Parisians! Got stuck in the tree for a second there, hah.”

As Marinette grumbled, Luka simply shrugged, smiled coolly at him, and joked, “It happens. Maybe next time we’ll call the fire department to get the cat unstuck?”

Chat Noir blushed with a bit of embarrassment, largely due to the fact that Marinette actually laughed at the joke. Luka had no way of knowing this, of course, but Chat Noir had caught glimpse of him and Marinette as he vaulted through the city and had decided it would be a good idea to spy on them by perching on the tree they sat under, which only added to his shame.

“Yeah. So uh, yep. Sorry!” he babbled again, before scurrying out of the picture.

The second offense was at the hands of Paris’ resident terrorist. And Chat Noir. Again.

After getting their ice cream, Luka and Marinette walked around the city a bit and ended up at the steps of the Trocadero, where as luck would have it, an Akuma appeared.

As Luka and Marinette scrambled to get to safety, Chat Noir cut in to push them out of the way from one of the Akuma’s attacks.

It did not escape Luka that Chat Noir scooped Marinette up and vaulted away with her. He was glad Chat Noir was fulfilling his duties and that Marinette was now at least out of harm’s way, but really, was it so hard to escort them to the nearest shop to take shelter as he had done with literally every other person at the site of the attack?

A couple of minutes after he had disappeared with Marinette in tow, he came back for him.

“Your turn,” Chat Noir said with a wink, and took Luka away to an indistinct street away from the Akuma.

Luka gave Chat Noir a perplexed look. “Where is Marinette?”

Chat Noir scratched the back of his head. “I– she must have already hidden away,” he offered lamely.

Feeling a bit irked and suspicious that Chat Noir might have a crush on Marinette, he said, “I’ll look for her, then. Thanks for keeping my date safe, Chat Noir.”

As he calculated, he saw the discomfort in Chat’s face. “Yeah, no problem at all!”

Additionally, Luka quickly discovered he was right about something else: Chat Noir had very likely put Marinette somewhere else. Not only was he not able to find her anywhere, but she was not even picking up her phone anymore.

Luka worried that something might have happened to her, his contempt for the catboy growing by the second.

“That… that… that furry!” He grumbled to himself as he tried to figure out a way to contact Marinette, hoping to the heavens that she was okay.

After the Akuma was neutralized, Marinette called him. Yes, she ended up several districts away and apologized profusely about something she had absolutely no control of which both endeared and saddened Luka.

He had noticed Marinette tended to blame herself when things didn’t work out around her, even when she had no way of controlling them.

“Hey, hey, no stress,” Luka said chuckling, as he interrupted Marinette’s mortified rambling. “We can meet back in the movie theater.”

He let a sigh of relief as he spotted Marinette waiting for him by the ticket booth. He ran to her and threw his arms around her without thought, only realizing what he did when Marinette hugged him back.

He blushed and hugged her tighter.

“I’m got hit by the Akuma after Chat Noir took me away,” Marinette explained. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright. I’m just happy you’re okay,” he said, finally pulling away and smiling at her. “So, which movie should we watch?”

Luka pointedly noticed the fact that Marinette suggested to watch a scary movie. The first time he had gone to the movies with her, Alya, Nino, and Juleka had tagged along and he remembered her adamantly informing everyone that she wouldn’t join if they picked anything scary.

He wondered why.

“Really? You sure?” Luka said.

“Yeah, you like scary movies, right?”

“Yeah, but you don’t,” Luka said. “I’m happy to watch anything you wanna watch.”

A light blush crept onto Marinette’s face again. “I wanna watch a scary movie.”

Luka tried not to entertain the thought that the reason why Marinette wanted to watch a scary movie with him was probably a plot with the end goal of having an excuse for them to hug throughout the movie. He didn’t want to get his expectations too high; he was already writing songs about her as it was.

As they took their seats, Marinette seemed to pick up where they left off at the park before Chat Noir interrupted them. She sat decidedly close to him–as close as one could to justify any casual brush of the hand as an accident— while Luka, in a sudden bout of confidence, put his arm around her.

He tensed up, waiting for Marinette’s reaction, and was pleasantly rewarded when she relaxed into his grasp and leaned her head against his chest.

“Oh, I just remembered,” she said, while waiting for the movie to start, “I have something for you.”

She reached into her purse and produced a small box.

Luka beamed at her as he picked the little gift from her palm. “You didn’t have to give me anything, Marinette.”

“I just wanted to do something nice for you,” she said, shrugging and giving him a warm smile.

He opened the box and found a guitar pick that Marinette had hand painted with little blue-and-black motifs. His heart swelled for her and found himself wishing he could kiss her.

“I love it,” he said, smiling from ear to ear. “Thank you.”

“I… I have something else for you,” she said, turning herself so that she was squarely facing him.

His pulse hitched up, realizing he wasn’t the only one wishing for a kiss, as Marinette trained her eyes on his.

He couldn’t look away. He felt as if a sort of magnet pulled him towards her, a sort of force that he was unable to escape from even if he wanted to.

A short gasp escaped him as the distance between them shrunk slowly, almost painfully. He was so close he could feel Marinette’s warmth on his skin. So, close their lips almost brushed. So close that–

“Hey guys!” an all-too-familiar voice chirpily greeted them from behind Luka, effectively and immediately interrupting them and causing Marinette to flail and throw the bucket of popcorn she had on her lap.

Luka sighed, this time at the end of his wits. Third interruption, of course it had to be at the hands of whom Luka considered to be the densest human alive. He turned around to find none other than Adrien Agreste, accompanied by Nino. Luka could do little to help himself from giving him the meanest look he could possibly conjure.

“Hey, Adrien. Nino,” he said, clenching his teeth. “What. A nice. Surprise.”

Adrien, oblivious as always, seemed not to grasp what had just transpired. Luckily, as Adrien went on about what a coincidence it was to end up in the same movie theater, at the same showing, and how cool it would be to watch it with them, it was apparent Nino knew better.

“Um, dude, actually, I think I’ll have to sit at the front this time if you don’t mind,” Nino said, interrupting Adrien’s question of whether they could sit with them. “Yeah, my glasses have been giving me trouble…”

Adrien could do little to hide his disappointment but in the end went with Nino. Luka, on the other hand, would have kept grumbling to himself even after they had left if it weren’t for Marinette’s quick kiss on his cheek, which interrupted his train of thought.

“Thanks for being so patient,” Marinette said.

Luka, unable to stay irritated so long as Marinette looked at him like that–with those bright blue eyes and cute little smile, chuckled. “It’s no problem.”

There would be other opportunities, he thought to himself as Marinette snuggled back next to him. For now, he was happy with just watching the movie and enjoy having Marinette in his arms. At one point he was even brave enough to peck her on the head, in one particular scene where Marinette hid her face against his chest with the excuse that she was too scared to watch.

Encouraged by the quick kiss, Marinette looked up to him and again, he found himself drawn to her lips. So, close he could brush his nose against her, so close he smelled her perfume. So close that–

“AN AKUMA!” someone screamed out in the movie theater hall, unchaining a mass hysteria that propelled the audience to rush to the exit.

“Of course,” he muttered under his breath as Marinette sprung up and he followed after her.

Dammit! What does a guy have to do to kiss his crush? Was moment with Marinette too much to ask?

Judging from the smug little smile Chat Noir couldn’t help but sport as he herded him and the rest of the civilians to safety, yes. Yes, it was. It took a lot to annoy Luka, but he now kept a list: Anyone wanting to hurt Marinette, being interrupted when he was with her, and the idea of cats in general. Especially black cats.

“I’m just saying, dude’s a bit weird,” Luka said, hanging out with Marinette and some of her friends a couple of days after Chat Noir’s repeated attempts at sabotaging his date, plus then some more. The story had been quite the laugh for everybody and the group now heatedly discussed whether they knew of other couples Chat Noir liked to sabotage, much to Marinette and Adrien’s mortification.

Adrien, Nino noticed, was quite uncomfortable with the topic. He squirmed in his seat and went to great lengths to not cross glances with Luka.

“Yo, you okay?” whispered Nino.

“Huh?”

“You seem a little… uncomfortable.”

“I’m fine!” Adrien hurried to assure him, but then resumed being consumed in his thoughts. Great. Marinette’s boyfriend now had it out for him for accidentally having interrupted them a time or two.

Okay, maybe it had been around ten times so far, but in his defense half of those were due to Akumas and the rest… Well, the rest were just... you know, “accidents.”

Nino did not comment so as to not add fuel to the fire, but he suspected that Adrien was not only lying, but had finally realized his feelings for Marinette. Nino chuckled to himself, feeling a little sorry for Adrien. Poor dude had the timing of drying cement.

--

ta-da!

I couldn’t include the part where LB kisses Luka because that sent me into outlining a multi-chapter angst fic and we are NOT doing that cause these babies deserve happiness :)) but alas, here you go

[gaymershigh]

Bruh. When I finished writing, I accidentally pressed draft and when I posted the work, the other half of the post disappeared + the tags. I even lost the ask too! This is my first scenario request and tumblr really ruining my vibe! I.. Whatever man, guess I have to restart everything. 😊🔫

Requested by an annonie

Triggers: None

Jade and Floyd's boyfriend who wants to surprise hug them

It's almost the end of the day and you still haven't seen your boyfriend at all. Sure, he already texted you telling that he had some business to do but that doesn't stop you from missing his presence. His calm demeanor always gives you shivers that is filled with fear mixed with excitement, how those long and slender arms wrap your figure, how he tells you how he appreciates you being his wonderful boyfriend. Ahh, you really do missed him. You wish you can just fling yourself the second you see that handsome beast.

“Dude! Snap out of it, Dingus!” Ace smacked the back of your head, making you flinch. “Geez (Y/N), we've been screaming your name and you didn't hear anything? The Hell's up with you anyway? You're creeping me out.” Ace added worryingly. You've been standing in front of your locker like a cursed mannequin and creeping out every unfortunate soul that had to pass by.

“A-ah.. Sorry about that. It's just that it's been almost a day and I still haven't seen him at all.” You scratched the back of your neck as you use your other free hand to close your locker. “Him?- oh, do you mean Jade?” Deuce asked which you nodded.

Ace just got cringe shockwave from that. He's cool with you dating that guy it's just the fact that you're being lovey-dovey grinds his gears. Well, at least your relationship is promising. “Ok dude whatever but can you at least send Grim back home? I don't think he would like to see you morons make out.” The ginger added.

“Speaking of Grim, he's been awfully quiet.” Jack said, making all of you know exactly what's going on. The four of you grunted in unison. Of course that furballs gone, he always disappear when he gets the chance. Everyone agreed to split up to find that bastard of a raccoon.

As you walked along the corridors, thoughts of Jade popped up again and you felt like daydreaming again. You wished he could appear out of nowhere and love the crap out of you. He said that he's finished with his shady business but where is he then. You're praying that he's not already at Mostro Lounge and getting ready.

Thank the Lords that they heard and answered your prayers positively. There he was, the man of sunshine, your lover, your boyfriend strolling down the halls, alone and just s few meters apart too, he doesn't notice your presence you think. That's where you get the idea to surprise him.

“SUPRISE!” You tackled and wrapped your arms around his torso tightly, the feeling of your bodys being close is so soothing. Jade looked at you with a slightly shocked expression which turned into the soft smile you always loved. “Ah, my darling. It seems you are eager. Is it perhaps that you missed me?” Jade returned the hug as he placed a soft kiss on your forehead.

“Of course I do! Don't ask questions you already know the answer to.” You chuckled as you lovingly gazed at him. You are so happy that you forgot about your current main objective. Oh well, just hope the others find Grim for you.

Actually, he already knew that you are behind but sometimes it's nice to go along for a while.

You were supposed to meet up with Floyd but your friends just had to ruin it with they're general shenanigans of causing trouble. Not only is it difficult to solve it, you had to listen to the headmaster's speech about how valuable the thing you broke is and how you shouldn't do this and that. Basically, almost facing expulsion, again.

“See you tomorrow, (Y/N)!” Deuce yelled. “See ya~” Ace added as Jack just waved before the three of them left to their respective dormitories. “C'mon (Y/N), lets go home! I feel so hungry.” Grim whined as you can hear the usual monstrous growl from his stomach. “Ah about that, I'm gonna go back here. I'll send you back, ok? Just don't set the house on fire.” You mentioned as you both are on the way to the Ramshackle dorm. “I know! I'm not dumb!” The raccoon roared back. You're surprised he didn't even asked you why you're going back.

You went back to the campus as soon you were done sending Grim back home and giving him a few tuna cans so he wouldn't moan about how you don't care about his hunger since you have heard enough from the headmaster.

No matter how tired you are, you will never betray your words when the subject is about Floyd. You love him to bits and when he called you saying that he's finished with his business work, he also sounded a tiny bit exhausted. With all the shady businesses plus Mostro Lounge, he definitely deserves some praises and love from you.

The thing is, Floyd doesn't tell you exactly where you're supposed to be hanging out so right now you looked like a lost fawn in the middle of the forest. Mostro Lounge will open up in a few hours and you want to spend all the limited time with him and not miss every single bit. You could ask people where he is but the thing is, there's nobody here to begin with so, no avail.

Luckily, the gods didn't want you to look like a moron walking around the campus. Floyd is there, walking pass by the halls while whistling. You suddenly got a great idea, why not give him a little surprise? You thought yo yourself as you already sneaked into the closest room nearby which is coincidentally your classroom.

You hid under the auditorium desks and luck was in your side as Floyd enter the same room your currently in. He stand around a spot that's very easy for you to access through. Ah, isn't this just perfect!

Without warning, you lunged at his back, causing him to gasp. “Ahh! Angelfish!” he giggled as he hugged you very tightly. Thank god he's in a good mood if you can't tell. He ruffled your hair excitedly. “You're late! You better apologize or make up something! Or I'll squeeze you~” He cooed at you lovingly. You sweated at that statement, you can't tell if he's serious or not.

“Alright, alright! If we do something fun, will you forgive me then?” Your offering seemed to work as he smile grew wider. “Oh? Something fun? Of course, angelfish~” he chuckled before softly kissing your lips.

I'm really making Jade's s/o sounding like a Pomefiore student here lol~

-𝕸𝖎𝖗𝖎

[redrobinho0d]

The BatBois with a Petty S/O~

Jason Todd

Listen, he didn’t mean to stand you up, he really was excited about your date

But a mission came up really last minute and he honestly meant to text you, he typed out the message and everything he just.....forgot to hit send

You were at the restaurant for about two hours, all prettied up for once and in your nicest dress, before you realized he wasn’t coming

On your way out of the restaurant, you notice a guy: his arm is around another girl, but he’s giving you an appreciative once-over

And as an idea for revenge begins to unfurl in your head, you approach with a wicked grin. Once you’d explained what you wanted, they were both on board

And less than ten minutes later Jason’s phone was spammed by selfies of you, unmistakably with a muscular arm around you in the (rather flattering, surprisingly) light of the restaurant

“Y/N what the fuck” “Whose arm is that” “Why the hell aren’t you answering me” “Y/N I swear to god”

You ignore his texts and calls as you return back to your apartment, curling up with a book

He doesn’t get home for a few days - by the second day, he’d stopped texting you, and you’d returned the favor, so now it was a standoff

When your bedroom window slammed open you stayed right where you were, curled up on your side of the bed with your eyes trained on your boo, even though you could practically feel his glare, until he wrenches the book out of your hand and yeets it across the room

Crossing your arms, you pout up at him silently, arching a single eyebrow

And then he’s kissing you - rough and angry, shoving you down the bed, and your nails claw at his shoulders as you match his fire with your own

After you’ve both calmed down from the awesome angry sex, you have to assure him about a hundred times that no, you are not breaking up with him

And in the future, he remembers to let you know if something comes up that will interrupt your plans together

Tim Drake

This kid is on his laptop all the time, he follows a lot of people on Tumblr and Instagram and Twitter

And we all know he’s constantly sleep-deprived and probably loopy 

So when he liked that girl’s selfie, it really was completely harmless

But of cooooooourse you saw, and noticed that he hadn’t yet liked your newest status

You weren’t sulking - really you weren’t!

And later when he asked, “Hey Y/N what do you wanna do for dinner?”, the “Why don’t you ask that bitch on Instagram since you like her so much” just....kind of slipped out

His expression was genuinely bewildered, he had no idea who you were referring to or why you were so mad

You instantly regretted it and clammed up, scowling

But he knew something was bothering you, so he poked and prodded all the spots he knew would make you squirm “C’mooooon, tell me!”

But you’re just annoyed and embarrassed and stay stubbornly closed-mouthed

But he’s the smartest kid like, ever, so eventually he figures it out on his own

And then he spends hours going through every single one of your social media profiles, liking every single thing you’d ever posted or commented

It was silly, but....the gesture still made you feel appreciated, so you sat by him and kissed him lightly, and he knew he was forgiven

After that he kept notifications on so he always knew the instant you posted and could dutifully like it, and was there to reassure you that jealousy over his liking someone else’s status or selfie was completlely unnecessary

Dick Grayson

It’s no secret he’s a hottie, Gotham’s finest ass and the charming smile to make all the ladies and most of the guys swoon

It’s also no secret that this boy has absolutely zero sense of when he’s accidentally hitting on people

He was just there to investigate the crime scene, good ol’ Officer Grayson doing his thing, when the reporter came up to ask him a few questions

He barely even noticed her trailing her fingers along his arm, batting her lashes as she leaned forward, but ooooooh man did you notice

And it certainly didn’t escape your notice that he smiled back, laughed with her and spent a while chatting her up

He probably didn’t intentionally flirt back at her, or even realize her interest, but it still set your blood boiling

When he finally was able to detach himself to come over and take you home, he was absolutely baffled by the cold shoulder you gave him

Still he opened the car door for you, occasionally shooting you puzzled, slightly hurt glances as he drove back to the apartment the two of you share

You breeze past him to go straight to the living room and fold yourself in the chair, rather than on the couch where he could pull you to cuddle against his side

Slowly he follows you in, sitting on the edge of the couch cushion nearest your seat

You can feel him staring at you, but you stubbornly stare down at your phone scrolling through your social media

“Y/N….?” / “Hm?” / “If I’ve done something wrong….something to upset you, please tell me”

Finally, you break and glance up - and the instant you meet his earnest gaze, all your defenses melt and you find yourself ranting about that skank throwing herself at him

You only pause when you notice his shoulders shaking with silent laughter. Scowling, you go silent and glare at him again

And now he’s fully laughing at you, but leaning forward to clasp your hands tightly in his

“Oh Y/N, there’s no need for you to be jealous….I have eyes only for you” and now he looks fond as he leans in to silence your grumbles with a kiss

And in the future, he’s quicker to pick up on when you glare at women (or men - he was a catch, it happened) showing interested in him, and he sends you a teasing wink so you know that you’re the only one on his mind

Damian Wayne

Oh man. Oh boy. It has been a cold war of frosty silence for days now

Neither of you can even remember who started it or what you were even mad about, but both of you are refusing to be the first to break

There’s been a lot of stealing glances at each other when each of you is sure the other won’t notice - but if your eyes do meet, it’s a quick glare and then swiftly back to ignoring each other

Quite frankly the levels of tension between you two were getting so high they were palpable even to those around you two

Until it got to the point that they decided the best thing to do was to lock you two in a room together with all exits guarded until you two talked it out

There was about two more hours of frosty silence while sitting as far from each other as possible

Finally, Damian speaks, glaring at the wall over your head

“Y/N.....I don’t even know why you’re mad at me” / “.....Honsetly? Neither do I?” / “Then.....what are we doing, beloved?”

A long silence, and you finally crack and meet his eyes with a little sigh and a smile “Being stubborn, I guess?” / “Well....can we stop?”

You’re not sure who moves first, but then you’re both reaching for each other, falling into each others arms and kissing and murmuring breathless apologies that mostly come out as nonsense

You both know something like this might happen again - you’re both very stubborn and prideful

But for now, things are good, and that’s enough

@mqj-but-its-actually-batman

My inbox is open if you want to request a headcanon prompt, or if you’d like to be added to my tag list! :)

[boogiewrites]

An Act of Nature.

Here, have some Hopper smut.

Characters: Jim Hopper x Reader

Word Count: 6458

Summary:  You move back to Hawkins, luckily you hit it off with a friend of your step brothers. When Chief Hopper finally gets around to asking you out, what is it going to take for the two of you to find time alone? An act of nature?

Warnings: It’s smut. Two grown ups going on dates and then finally getting to have sex. Swearing, consensual sex between two adults, some dirty taking, suggestive dialogue.

My Masterlist.

A/N: I had to take a break from my main fic Before and After and do some one shots to clear my head, so this is one I ended up writing last week. (Also, this: Not the fun kind of Daddy Issues ) I wasn’t going to post it, because I thought it might be boring and well, just not that good. lol A few days later I receive an Ask, requesting a “snowed in with Hopper” plot, as I’m currently living in the middle of a snow storm and wanting to draw inspiration from real life. This is what I had already written. I know that seems like a lie, but it was just some of that sweet, sweet coincidence I love. So thank you anon!

The original request:” Anonymous asked:as a request for the snowstorm thing: you invited Hopper over for a date at your house and while he’s there, there’s a snowstorm and you’re both stuck in your house (and then smut if possible)?? “

Here are the tagged folks, if you’d like to be added or removed, just leave a reply and I’ll see it! Any positive feedback or messages are appreciated. Thanks!

@whatmakesmebeme-tblr @sleepylunarwolfh @elevenofmages @alahmorah @norcula @undiscl0sed-desir3s @atari-writes @jobean12-blog @miss-harleenquinzel @kiwiphroot @ashphoenix105 @ambeazyyy @riotguuuurl @warriorqueen1991 @misbehaving-f0r-days @divadinag @wefracturedmotivation @flamehairedwritings @earinafae @beltzboys2015-blog @gettinjoyful @lucifer-in-leather @nerdysuperchick 

This originally started as just a trip to Hawkins to help plan your step brothers wedding. Which was your job in a town far away from Hawkins. It ends with making the decision to move back to Hawkins to help take care of your aging parents. Now you're left rebuilding a business, long commutes, late nights, early mornings, it's hard work and you're a busy woman. Luckily for you, you find mutual attraction in one of your step brothers friends you'd hit it off with at the wedding. He's started turning into your favorite thing about this place.

Being a party planner, in general, you had plenty of excuses to stop by the station. Just between the permits and fire code questions, it would've been easy to make opportunities to see him. You found yourself driving into town to find out things that could be easily answered in a phone call by another person. But you always wanted to speak to the Chief, and it sure seemed like he always wanted to speak to you.  Between your conversations over cigarettes at the station and an accidental run in at the same place for lunch once, you'd not been out with Jim, but you wouldn't say no if he asked.

Today, you're making your way to the station again. You're having the same issue with a certain pain in your ass, Mr. Jones, who keeps fighting you on the ownership line of his and the wedding venues properties. He was making it impossible to set up the venue. Your client wanted 50 tulle bowed white chairs for the ceremony, exactly where Mr. Jones said you couldn't put them, and by God, you were going to get your client those 50 tulle bowed white chairs. You've pulled the surveyor and blueprints for the land from the city. You've even called Jim on him for moving all your event gear overnight, which is not on his property. This old man was stressing you the fuck out and you were done with it. Your face reads angry as you walk up to Flo's desk. "Good to see you again Ms. Y/N," Flo says, looking up over her glasses as she types. "The Chief is in his office, do I need to buzz him up for you?" her voice is full of implications, and all of them true. Flo found your thin veiled back and forth with Hopper amusing. "Mr. Jones is moving my stuff again." you speak softly but angrily, the more you think about it, the more animated you become. "He's screwing with my business and I'm not going to stand for it. He's done this 3 times already." you let out a loud noise of frustration as Jim appears out of the doorway to his office. "Afternoon, Y/N." he says, stretching as he saunters up to you. "Hey Chief." you sigh at the sight of him. "Jones again?" he asks you, taking a sip from his mug, looking at you over it. "Yes. He's being an asshole, and he knows he's in the wrong, and he's messing with my work, my business and it's stressing me the hell out, Hop." it all comes out much faster and louder than you mean it to. "Woah, hey, honey, he's not gonna mess up your work." he raises his arm, walking you towards his office. "Come on, at least you won't be yelling at the whole office this way." he laughs as he shuts the door behind him. You sit in the chair across from his desk, you cross your legs and arms, foot moving up and down in anger. He settles into his big chair across from you, leaning on the top  of his desk with his elbows. You just look at each other for a few seconds, you feel compelled to apologize for your angry reaction. "I didn't mean to yell, sorry." you say, it sounds much sassier than it's meant to, but you are speaking more quietly, at least. "It's fine. This is what? The fourth time you've had to come to me about this?" he lets out a small huff. "I'd be mad as hell about it too, honey." his empathy placates you, it's a welcome feeling to have someone understand your frustration instead of demanding more. "Thanks," you say sincerely. "It's nice to have someone agree with me instead of dealing with rabid, whiney, brides and mother-in-laws who can't be satisfied." you let out a sigh and uncross your arms, resting them on the arms of the chair. "Yeah that sounds...terrible, yeah." he laughs, and you join in for a brief moment. "I don't know how you do that, it'd drive me crazy." "Coming from the Chief of Police...that's pretty bad." the laugh that comes out of your mouth, full of self-pity at your situation for a moment. "But I can deal with Jones. So don't worry about it." he knocks on the wooden desk in front of him, giving you a quick wink.  "I'll go by and make sure we reach an understanding." he gives a sly smile. "I hear using bars of soap in a pillow case works pretty well, doesn't leave too many marks." you answer sarcastically, your anger subsiding slowly, you can tell by the grin that finds itself on your face from your conversation. "Do I need to run a background check on you?" he jokingly narrows his eyes at you. You huff and roll your eyes, giving him a small laugh, indulging him just a little bit. You sigh and there's a weighted silence in the room for a moment. You don't need to stay too long. "It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have a week off after this event," your head tilts back dramatically, "This one has been so stressful and it's so close to being over and I can get my check and get some damn sleep." you sit up in the chair, preparing to leave. He nods in approval. "Sounds like you need a break." He sits forward, anticipating your exit. "You taking a week off for any particular reason?" he asks casually, he is a cop after all, always the observant one. "No. I just packed my schedule so tight after coming back here. Too many late nights and early mornings so close together.  I have to stop before I burn out." you stand and he moves to the door. "Oh, well I wouldn't know anything about working hours like that." he answers sarcastically. You both stand close and give each other flirty glances in the brief seconds your bodies pass each other in the doorway. He walks you down the hallway, out the front doors, you already have your hand digging in your purse. In an almost synchronized way, you both pull cigarettes out of your packs with your lips, and light them, taking a hit as you lean back. "You have any plans for next week yet?" he asks, you side eye him, not turning your face towards him. "A whole lot of nothing. I just needed to decompress." you exhale a cloud of smoke. "I assumed I'd figure it out as I went." you shrug. "What day is this wedding on? Saturday? The one I'm beating up an old man for." he grins, nudging you with his elbow. You acknowledge his gesture with a smirk. "Saturday, yeah. I plan on leaving as soon as they start dancing." your eyes widen, daydreaming and anticipating that moment of relaxation when you realize the job is over. "I can't wait to not have to hear about white chairs with tulle bows anymore." You look over at Jim to elaborate. "The chairs are what Jones is being a dick about. And this woman," you let out a sharp exhale of smoke,"Well she wants her damn chairs, I'll tell you that. They mean more to her than her actual marriage from how she acts." you gesture with your hands as you speak. "I have nightmares about this wedding, man." you mumble, "So much tulle..." you repeat, shuddering. Jim's face is full of amusement as you end your story and look back at him. "I can't wait for it to be over." "Well, after you've recovered, would you be interested in going out with me and doing something next week?" You fight the smile that threatens to give away your excitement. You act like you are making a decision, looking up at his face, you let the excited smile break through slightly. "Yeah, I'd be interested." you respond, tilting your head at him, you wrap your lips around your cigarette. He gives you the same smile back, mimicking your actions. His voice goes lower than you've heard it before, it rumbles through your body. "Then I'll be seeing you next week, sweetheart." he finishes his cigarette. "I'll call and we'll figure it out, no need to add more decisions for you to make right now." he turns back towards the building. "Unless you find another reason to come see me before then." he shoots you a knowing glance. You let the whole mischievous grin spread across your face as you finish your cigarette. "Maybe I will. You might be arresting me for assault if you can't get Jones to listen." you smirk and adjust your purse. "Well if you do, I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement." he answers very playfully, you bite the inside of your cheek in an attempt to hide a smile that reads way more than friendly. "I'm sure we can, Chief." you let out a small, low laugh as you turn to walk to your car. You wished there was a way to know if the tingling running over your skin was physical excitement or the reaction to the dark gaze Jim was giving your body as you walked away.

Jim kept his promise and took care of Mr. Jones for you. The climax of the job came and went, you went home and crashed, hard, months of overworking catching up with you. You woke up to your phone ringing. You look over at the alarm clock by your bed, 1:27 PM. "Ugh, shit." you groan, moving towards the phone on your nightstand. You had slept for over 12 hours. "Hello?" you answer, sleep still very heavy on your voice. "Wow, you really weren't lying about crashing afterward, were you?" the deep rumble of Jim's voice woke you up through the line. "No...no I wasn't," you answer, rubbing your eyes and yawning into the receiver. "I just woke up, sorry." you clear your throat, rolling over to your back. "What's up, Chief?" you ask, your voice sounding less like gravel. "I didn't mean to wake you up, sweetheart. I wanted to make sure I made plans with you like we discussed." "Mmm Hmm" you manage in response. "I'm game for whatever, Jim." you roll onto your side. "You wanna go out? You wanna stay in?" you spoke, giving him options. "You wanna do it tonight or when can you with work?" your brain was starting to function again. "Tonight would be great." You take a big stretch, hiding your noises from the receiver of the phone. "Let's do something with as close to 0 stress as possible." you suggest. "Does that exist?" he laughs. "Depends, what are your vices?" "Vices?" he asks. "Yeah, what do you do to relax?" "I'm afraid I'm not great at relaxing, sweetheart, you might have to take the lead on this one." he jokes, but you assume that's probably true. "Alright then, let me think for a minute." It's the first date, even though you know each other a little bit already. Don't want too casual, not formal and low stress. "Santino's on South?" you suggest, "I work with them on catering all the time, they're good people." "Can't say I've eaten there before." "It's good, there's a bar, it's not stuffy." you want to make sure he knows you aren't going into this expecting him to make a fuss over you. "Well, you've talked me into it." Not like he would disagree with anything you suggested at this point. ------------ You go out with Jim, it was as close to 0 stress as you could've gotten on a first date. Although a bit mouthy, as usual, he was a gentleman. You eat, you drink, you take your time, you flirt heavily. You end the date at your place, you part at your door after a promise to do this again soon. The period to the end of the date, a perfectly respectable, but lingering kiss. Your busy schedules make a second date come later and be shorter than either of you wanted. You only find time to go see a movie together, but horror movies always make for a great date in your opinion. Jim seems amused by your lack of fear while watching the movie, he finds you very charming. Wishing he didn't have to get back to work immediately after your, already short, date, he makes up for it with an intense kiss that bordered on making out before he parted from you. He later regrets this decision when he can't stop thinking about that small little moan you let out while he was kissing you. More time passes, it's always like you're both busy at the wrong times. The winter weather had moved in fast this year. You found yourself listening to the news, worried about getting out in this for your date. The phone rings. "Hello?" "Hey sweetheart." you hear Jim's apologetic voice over the line. "Evening, Chief." he gets straight to the point. "I'm afraid with this weather coming in, I don't want you out on the roads, even with me." he sounds like he dislikes this fact as much as you do. "Yeah I was thinking the same thing, unfortunately." you dramatically pout since he can't see you. "I'm sorry about this, sweetheart. I haven't had the chance to spend as much time with you as I'd like, I was looking forward to tonight." he speaks low, giving away his intention with his tone. You were really in need of some stress relief and you had hoped Jim might be the one to help you out with that tonight. "Well," you pause, trying to make sure the words came out like you meant them to, "Can you just come to my place instead?" you ask, no need to put on a front that you both aren't wanting the same thing at this point. "To your place?" his voice hints at the smile that must be on his face from your casual tone on a weighted suggestion. "Yeah," you respond confidently, although you spin the phone cord in your fingers, fidgeting. "That is, if you don't mind taking a chance on getting snowed in with me." you add flirtatiously, you hear him wet his lips. "I wouldn't mind that at all." he states factually, his tone deep and dark, you imagine his fingers rubbing over his mouth and chin at your forwardness. "I'm all stocked up and ready for the storm over here. I've got food, booze, and candles. All I'm missing is you." you sound like you're making a hard sell when he's already agreed. "You been missing me, sweetheart?" he bypasses your cute retort and goes straight for another flirtatious remark, with a tone to match. The rumble his words send across your skin, makes your thigh muscles tense. "I wouldn't be asking you to come over if I hadn't." you push back with a feminine but low tone of your own. You flip your hair back out of flirtatious habit. You hadn't gotten to see Jim as much as you'd wanted in past few weeks, but that didn't mean you hadn't been thinking about him.  You hear the closed mouth noise of amusement he makes against the receiver. "Then I'll be over later, after I finish up here." you can hear the fabric of his uniform rubbing against itself. "You know where to find me, Chief." you close in a playful tone. You let out a giggle at yourself after you hang up. You felt like being bent over the back of the couch as he walked in would be more subtle than the flirting you just did. You didn't mind the grin that pulled at the corners of your mouth that wouldn't go away, or the tingling across your skin when you'd slip into a daydream about his hands on you again. Your muscles ached with anticipation. You watched the snow falling outside from your window to soothe your impatience. The view of the far edge of town from your window was peaceful, no one was out, everyone huddled up for the incoming storm. The glass was painfully frigid under your fingers, your breath fogged the glass. At least you had everything you needed to ride out the storm, and now you had a man to ride it out with too. Another body would help once the electricity went out. You smiled and bit your lip, leaning on the window sill, lost in thought. Jim had made his way up to your door, he happened to try the doorknob before knocking and sure enough, you'd left it unlocked. He peaks through the door and see's you looking out a window, bent at the waist, your weight on one arm on the window sill. You were biting your nails, eyes not focused, but directed out into the street. "We just leaving our doors unlocked at night now?" he asks, his deep voice surprising you and making you jump. You turn towards him, your hand on your chest. "If you're watching for me, I parked on the other side of the street." he says, knocking his boots on the doorway. "I wasn't, I just like watching the storm," you explained, trying to regain your cool. "I was expecting you, so I left it unlocked in case I got busy and couldn't get to the door." "Uh huh." he says, his tongue pushing against his teeth in a taunting way, he might've believed you. "I have no reason to lie." you laugh and lay the throw you had around your shoulders on the couch, revealing the off the shoulder, oversized sweater you wore for the evening. It was warm and it had an option for showing a little leg and cleavage if you wanted. "You don't look very busy." he states. You tilt your head and narrow your eyes at him, giving him an entertained laugh. "I was cooking earlier-" you stop yourself quickly, turning to move around the couch towards him. "And you need to turn off this Chief talk." you scold him, hanging his jacket in the closet. "Enough with the cop interrogation tactics." you wave your hands in the air as you speak, you make your way to the kitchen, opening the fridge and motioning for him to join you. "What would Jim like to drink? Because that's who I wanted to hang out with tonight." you tease him, pushing his shoulder as he bends to look in the fridge. He side eyes you before reaching for a beer. Over the next few hours, you slowly break down that barrier Jim keeps up when he's in police mode. You stroke his ego, you feed and flirt, slowly closing the space between the two of you. You found yourself having fun, not just feeling like you were killing time before you decided to have sex. You'd gotten distracted by yet another story about your brother's younger hijinks from Jim when the storm knocks out the power. The electric whoosh of noise following the darkness falls over the town. You don't move for a few seconds. "You don't have to go deal with this do you?" you turn your face to him, sitting on the couch next to him, the low light from the windows creating blue shadows across your faces. "Nah, that's the power company's problem, sweetheart." you swallow and nod, glad he doesn't have to leave yet. You make your way to the window in your living room, pulling back the curtain to look out over the town, the moon reflecting off the snow-blanketed ground, illuminating everything with a gloomy sunshine. Your fingers start to sting on the glass, you withdraw to your kitchenette bench where you'd put your box of candles. You carry the lighter in your mouth, placing the candles all over your apartment, Jim has already risen to help. The last place you put the candles in, is your bedroom, you're moving things around to make sure you don't burn the place down when you hear Jim's heavy footsteps walk down the hall and stop in your doorway.

"These are the last of them." you say low, focusing on the fire in your fingers. You take a look around, the chill of the outside air starting to creep in the house already, the storm blowing is the only noise in the whole town. You let out a long sigh and put your hands on your hips, relaxing. "Something wrong?" Jim asks. You turn to him with wide eyes, surprised. "Oh, no. I've always liked when the electricity goes out." you motion to the lit corners of the room "The darkness, the silence, I just find it really relaxing." you let out another sigh, trying to lose your tension. "You're not worried about the storm?" he asks, moving farther into the room. You're looking out your window, distracted, the snow blows hard and fast, making your view look like television static. "No, not really." your flirty grin greets Jim, "Especially not with you here." you turn to him, shutting the curtain back. "And why's that?" he asks, moving slowly and intimidatingly towards you, you hold your ground as he pushes through your personal space. The floorboards creak, from the pressure of his steps, breaking the silence as he stalks closer. "Well," you pause, stopping to look up at him, just inches away from you. You let your fingers find and rest very lightly on top of his shirt buttons. "You'll keep me safe, won't' ya Chief?" you ask, your voice low, you suddenly don't want to play anymore. With dark eyes and a heavy brow, he walks you slowly back against one of the walls of your bedroom. "I don't think you invited me over here because you were worried about me keeping you safe, sweetheart." he implies, his hands finding their way to your hips. "Well, not exactly..." you pout, looking away, playing coy for a moment. You bring your gaze back up to meet his. "I have missed you, but, I invited you because I wanted to make sure we'd finally have time to fuck." you give him a self-assured smile, looking up through your lashes. His lips curl up devilishly into a smile. One of his hands moves across your lower back, pulling you close. The other hand slides up your body, from your hip, up between your breasts, onto your neck and behind your head. His fingers nesting into your hair in a fist at the base of your skull. His smile was making more than just your heart melt. "That's what I've been waiting to hear." he whispers as he seals the space between your bodies. He goes in hard, your body thudding against the cold wall. He pushes his weight against you, the hand in your hair he uses to control your head, baring your neck to him, he makes his way down it, his large hands start roaming through all the places you've wanted him to touch. He grabs your ass, moving to squeeze your waist before he whole hands your breast, pulling down the shoulder of your sweater to expose your skin to the cold air of the room. He finds your mouth again, your noses fight against each other as he messily kisses you. Your tounges moving together, your open mouths letting your rising noises escape when your bodies part. You have one leg hitched up, his hand grips your hip and thigh, holding it against him, he lands a firm open palm to your ass and groans. He wraps his arms around you, almost lifting you to turn your back against the bed, your calves bumping against the edge. His hands are on your hips, his fingers kneading into your flesh, he gives you a small push in the direction of the bed, you let yourself bounce onto it, torn away from his hypnotizing mouth. You see his hands go to take off his shirt, you take off your socks and peel away your sweater. You crawl up the bed, laid out and posed, waiting for him to join you, your fingers lazily run over the swell of your hips. The air is cool and the light low, the sky outside has been black for hours by now. The faint roar of the wind outside, the crackling of the candle wicks mingle in the silence to make everything feel more urgent. The quiet sounds of your wet mouths, your breathing, skin hitting skin, it all feels heightened on a night like this. He stops, his belt off and pants undone, shirt long gone, he palms himself for a moment, running his tongue over his bottom lip while he looks at you on the bed. You bite your lip and reach down to rub yourself over your panties as you watch him touch himself.  His large body slides almost on top of yours, the frantic motions of hands, his mouth moves along your shoulders and chest. Your chest is rising and falling fast, his mouth finds one of your nipples. You let out a small gasp as he sucks on you with a groan. His hand running back up and grabbing the bulk of your hips, pulling you closer. You bite your lip and watch as he sends waves of pleasure through your body. His fingers find your other nipple, mimicking the motions of his mouth. You squeeze your fingers in his hair, pushing his mouth against you as you moan. He looks up at you and through pursed lips, you breathe out, "Yes," you whine, "Fuck that's good." he closes his eyes and focuses, he continues to eagerly work your tits with his mouth and hands, tongue flicking and lips tugging as the ache between your thighs grows. You move one of his hands between your thighs, his eyes roll back and he moans into your breasts he feels the wetness that's already made it's way to the outside of your panties, you roll your hips against his hand. He lets out a dark laugh he disconnects from your nipple with a long lick of his tongue. He moves up to your neck, his mouth finding your ear. His hand is rubbing back and forth over your panties. "Look how wet you are for me." he says it like you've done something bad.   You wrap your arms around his shoulders and whimper out, "Mmm Hmm." as you move your chest and hips against his body. "You’ve been thinking about me doing this to you all day, haven't you?" he groans out, his hands roughly yanking your panties down your legs. You nod against him, moaning into his mouth as he starts to kiss you deeply again. "Mmm Hmm." you answer, all you could manage to say at this point, you nod and spread your legs as you kick the panties across the room. "I've been thinking about doing this to you too." he growls, his teeth biting your bottom lip, as he slides his fingers between your pussy lips, down across your clit, to your opening, just applying the lightest pressure before returning to stroke downwards again, your hips bucked every time his fingers would drag across your clit. You throbbed, swollen and sensitive, he made your lips tremble with every touch. "Fuck." you whine loudly, your head falling back as he stops to focus on your clit, his mouth on your ear, breathing steadily into it, matching the rapid rising and falling of your own chest. He continues until your panting against him. Your eyes cross as he pushes two of his large fingers completely into you. Your mouth drops open, you let out a shaky exhale followed by a sharp pitiful breath before letting out a guttural moan. He smirks against your skin. "You like that, baby?" he asks, his lips on the curve of your ear. He keeps steadily pumping his fingers into you, stretching and moving them inside you, making you gush. "Yes, fuck, more." you demand, fisting your hand into his hair. He lets out a low laugh, his lips start working on your throat. He reangles his arm, pushing into you with as much pressure as he can. He pounds his fingers into you, stopping to circle your clit with his thumb from time to time, you let out another moan, your back arching as your tits bounce with every thrust against you. You feel yourself getting lost in the pursuit of cumming on his fingers, but you're reminded of something you'd much rather have inside you as he presses himself against your thigh. He feels so hot and heavy through the fabric of his pants, you palm him as he works on your clit, he curses under his breath. "I'd rather have you pounding me with this." you instruct, pressing your lips against his ear, your tongue dragging across the edge. "Fuck, baby." He lets out a huff of breath as his mouth finds yours again, you're sliding your hands under the waist of his pants, he takes the hint and finally gets completely naked, leaning over your body, between your legs. Your skin against his is hot, covered in a thin veil of sweat, the cold outside long forgotten. His cock weighs on your lower stomach as he kisses you, hands back in each others hair, you feel him twitch as you moan against him. You reach between your bodies, slowly stroking his length against you while you rock your hips. He replaces your hand with his, he circles your clit with the head of his cock as he positions himself. You angle your hips, your legs already up and eager to wrap around him. He lines himself up with your entrance. He drops his upper body against yours, you feel him push against you as his lips work deliciously against your own. You make needy noises against him. "You ready for me, baby?" he asks as he leaves open mouth kisses down the side of your neck. "Yes, Hop, Please." you say in a breathy whisper between kisses, "Fuck me." you say in a whine as your head pushes against the pillow it laid on. With a hand wrapped around your thigh, he uses his grip on your hip to bring your two bodies together. As he slides deep into you, your mouth opens, a small squeak of a moan escapes as he pushes inside you completely. Your eyes shut as your head falls back, your body adjusting to him. A line of curses fall from your lips in the form of small moans. You feel his fingers clench around your thigh, his forehead pressed against your shoulder. He lets out a long exasperated groan at the feeling of you around him at last. "You feel so fucking good." he whispers, as he starts to move in and out of you. Your arms around his shoulders, you just listen to the sounds of both of your bodies breathing heavily, the small smacks and moans building. Your hands run down his chest as he raises up, holding your legs far apart at the knees, he pulls you by your hips, burying himself deeper inside. He closes his eyes, his lip between his teeth as he starts to fall into a rhythm, rubbing up against every sweet spot inside you. You're bouncing off of each other, he's focused as he continues to pound hard and steady into you. Your hands wander as you rise to meet his thrusts, you run your thumbs over your nipples as your tits bounce while he fucks you. You're writhing beneath him. He's making you give up the most pathetic and whiney moans as you feel your orgasm building in waves, making your skin prickle against the air. "Fuck, look at you..." he brings his weight onto one arm, straight out next to you on the bed. You raise your head back up towards him, his gaze is dark, his mouth set slightly agape while he runs his tongue over his teeth, watching you. Your mouth is parted and wet, your touching yourself, your hair falling around your face as he watches you fall apart underneath him. You hold his gaze, panting out praise as he fucks you even harder. "Yes, fuck, baby, yes." you cry out as his hands just barely touch your hardened nipples as they rub up against his rough hands from his thrusts. He's losing composer as he roughly grabs your breasts, using them as leverage as you start to pulse around him. "Fuck." he growls, closing the space between you when he feels you fluttering around him. You both fall back into sloppy, wet kisses as you move your hips against each other, moaning messes. His deep and steady pace make you start to shiver. "I'm close." you say between moans. He takes his hand to the side of your face so you look at him, but you turn your head and take his thumb into your mouth. He groans, giving you a few particularly rough thrusts as you suck on his thumb, it helps hold back your needful sounds, and drives Jim crazy. "God Dammit, baby." he breathes out heavily, his eyes closing for a moment, feeling you tighten around his cock from his words. He regains composure and uses his thumb to turn you towards him. "Look at me, sweetheart." he runs his thumb across your bottom lip as you moan around it. He feels you convulse around him again. He leans in, pushing his face into your neck, reaching between you and rubbing your clit as he finishes you off. "You gonna come for me?" he asks, his lips press against your skin. You arch against him, your body vibrating. "Yes. Fuck. Yes." you chant, your fingertips press into his broad shoulders as you let out one loud sudden cry before he starts kissing you, deeply through your orgasm. "That's it, come for me." he groans, feeling you crashing around him, he can't help but let go with you. With long fluid strokes, he comes inside you. You're both still coming down, mouths mashing against each other as you both keep swearing. He keeps lazily rocking into you until you've stopped shaking and he's gone soft, only then does he stop kissing you. You're dazed in the best way. You let your post-orgasm smile spread across your face as you both lay there looking at each other for a moment. He feels compelled to smile down at you. He admires how your soft skin seems to glow, and how the swell of your breasts pushed against him looked and felt. He pushes some of your hair back, looking you over while you do the same to him. He gives you a brief but soft kiss. He pulls away from you, falling into the bed next to you, you almost immediately shiver.  You get under the covers and Jim follows your lead. He doesn't object when you snuggle up to his chest, wiggling against him to warm up. You plant a kiss on his chest and rest yourself against his warm body. You feel like you're being watched and open your eyes to see Jim looking you over as he runs his hand lazily up and down your back and hips. "You're gorgeous, you know that?" he asks, leaning in and giving you another kiss. He makes a satisfied hum and tightens his grip on you, placing his head on top of yours. You let out a small squeak of a yawn and he laughs. "Tired there, babe?" he asks, his hand caressing the side of your face. "Mmm Hmm" you nod. "I always fall asleep after a good orgasm." you state, snuggling into the warm softness of the bed and his body. "And that was an amazing one." you add softly. He chuckles to himself. "I'm gonna fall asleep, Hop." you look up at him, "I'd prefer if you stayed but, I also won't be offended if you don't." you say, laying back down and getting comfy. "I didn't plan on going anywhere." he pulls the covers up over you both and lets you get settled. "Good. That means we get to do this again before you leave." you mumble happily, sleep and sex making it so you didn't care to show that you liked Jim and wanted him to stay around. "Whenever that is, with this storm." he pauses, looking out the window, "I don't care how bad it gets if it means we finally got to do this." he lets himself settle against you. "It only took an act of nature to make it happen." you joke, a smile still reading on your face despite your closeness to falling asleep. You fade fast, between the exertion and the rise and fall of Jim's chest, you can't fight the sleep off, no matter how much you were enjoying the first indulgent post-sex moment between the two of you.

My Masterlist.

[chokememrstark]

The Soulmate Sam Never Asked For // Part 7

Ship: Samifer (Sam Winchester / Lucifer)

Words: 2746 (Chapter 7 / 12)

Fic Summary: The next day, Sam returns to the hospital hopefully, only to be faced with the horrors that the last night brought for Lucifer. He never thought he would see his classmate the way he does now, but it makes him realize that his decision to help him was the right one.

college!AU, human!AU, soulmates!AU, dysfunctional families, abusive parents, dramatic romance, or romantic drama, your choice, big brother!Lucifer, soulmates hating each other, referenced alcoholism, death and abuse, some violence, and lots of feels, fluff and cuteness, some drama but not too much, lots of bickering, and two damn stubborn soulmates (!!)

Note: My lovely beta reader @brieflymaximumprincess called this a rom-com and even though I don’t believe it is, in my eyes, it does have certain elements of it. This is not the angst you know from me, not at all.

Yes, there is some drama, but there is also a lot of sweet and cute moments, much more than the dramatic ones. I guess you could say I accidentally wrote cute fluff? Because it was not intended, but here we are.

This fic is already completed and will be posted by the regular schedule from now on: Thuesday, Thursday and Saturday! So, enjoy ♥

Tagging: @shebahda   @sassysupernaturalsweetheart    @spnyoucantkeepmedown  @brieflymaximumprincess @multifandomhcsforinsanity @etysky @justasmalltownsuperwholock @humongouscandycoffee @daddycasstiel @nnegann @blakechaos08

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Sam would have loved to just stay in his bed forever and not think about anything other than sleep anymore, but he couldn't do that. He had promised Lucifer to come back today, and Raphael too, and he knew he couldn't break this promise. Too much depended on it, if he just stayed here he would be a total coward and an awful human being. So, when noon came closer, Sam pushed himself off the bed and got dressed properly.

With a duffle bag full of clothes and other necessities, as well as his laptop and the hope he was making the right decision, Sam locked the door to his room and made his way outside. He called a taxi to get to the hospital again, this time the ride was much shorter because they didn't stop to buy flowers. At the hospital Sam walked up to the info counter again, luckily facing the same young woman from the day before.

“Hello there!” she greeted him surprised. “Back for a visit?”

“For starters,” he smiled and showed her his bag. “I might stay a while, we'll see.”

“Right, doctor Francis told me! I’m really proud of you for offering your help, you are truly a wonderful young man.”

“Thank you, but it’s nothing,” Sam smiled awkwardly. He did not expect this kind of reaction.

“It’s more than most people would do,” the woman smiled back brightly. “Lucifer instructed me to let you through when you arrive, same way as yesterday.”

“Thank you.”

Sam had expected Lucifer to pick him up again, but he still remembered where they went to before luckily, so he easily found his way alone. He knocked at the door, hearing a quiet voice asking him to come in after a moment. When he did, he saw Raphael sitting upright in his bed and Lucifer laying half on his blanket, head on his arms and visibly asleep. He had to smirk at this sight. He closed the door as quiet as possible and walked over to the bed.

“Hey, Raph,” Sam whispered as the boy grinned at him. “Did your brother have a long night?”

“Dad was mean to him again,” Raphael scowled and looked at Lucifer. “He didn't get any sleep I think.”

“That's awful,” Sam said sadly and carefully carried another chair over to the bed to sit down. “Where's your little brother? Didn't he bring him over today?”

“Luci said he'll stay with friends for a while,” Raphael answered very quietly and visibly sad. “He didn't wanna tell me why. Maybe he was too tired.”

“I'm sure he'll be fine,” Sam assured the boy, but deep down he feared there was more behind it than just that. There was no reason to upset Raphael though, so he decided to ask Lucifer later and focus on his little brother for now. “What are you doing right now? Do you wanna play a game maybe?”

“Yes!” Raphael's eyes lightened up at the question. “But we have to be quiet so Luci can sleep.”

“I think we can do that,” Sam smiled.

After a bit of searching through one of the closets near the door, Sam found a memory game and a card game they could play and the two actually spent the next two hours with quiet laughter and silent victory cheers. Sam really enjoyed playing with Raphael. He was obviously really happy and excited about this new experience. They were in another round of playing cards - Sam tried to explain the basics of poker to the boy because he had asked and Raphael turned out to be a very good student - when Lucifer finally moved and slowly got up.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Raphael greeted his big brother, who looked at the two in front of them rather confused for a moment.

“Sam?” he asked before quickly hiding a yawn behind his hand. “What are you doing here?”

“Getting destroyed by your brother,” Sam laughed and put his cards down. “He's just too good for me to win.”

“I told you, I learn fast!” Raphael grinned and put the cards together to shuffle them. “Another round?”

“Later, okay?” Sam said and looked back at Lucifer. “I hope you don't mind, we didn't wanna wake you up, so we played some games.”

“It's alright, no worries.” Lucifer yawned again, rubbing his eyes. “Do you wanna grab a coffee?”

“Sure, do you mind Raphael?” Sam asked, but the boy just shook his head.

“I still got my book, I'll be fine.” Raphael smiled.

“We won't be gone for long, promised,” Lucifer said as he got up. Sam smiled at Raphael quickly before following the blond outside of the room.

“Your brother is really sweet,” Sam said as he followed Lucifer down into the cantina, to which the other simply nodded. Only after they got two strong coffees and sat down somewhere, Lucifer spoke again.

“Sorry for that, the sleeping thing, I mean.” Lucifer groaned and gulped down a huge sip of steaming brown liquid. “I didn't know you were coming over so early. I was just so damn tired, I guess I passed out.”

“Don't apologize, you needed some sleep,” Sam assured Lucifer and took a sip of his coffee too. “Raph and I had quite some fun together, it's alright.”

“Thanks for entertaining him a bit, I think he really misses company sometimes.”

“He got you at least, I'm sure he appreciates that.”

Lucifer sighed, but didn't answer. Sam thought he knew why. A brother was nice, but it was different from actually having friends and that seemed to get to Lucifer quite hard. He didn't want this for his brother and Sam understood. Just the thought of Dean being in a similar situation without him being able to do anything was more than just a little depressing.

“I talked to doctor Francis yesterday,” Lucifer eventually said without looking up. “He told me the tests were all positive, only the blood work needed to be done.”

“I know, I'm glad it all went well,” Sam nodded. “I made sure I can still keep up with school if I'll stay here, the counselor said I might be able to copy someone else's notes who keeps them online and reschedules a test I have, so it won't end in total chaos.”

“I never thought of that,” Lucifer chuckled deeply. “I'm already weeks behind again because I just said I'll be gone for a while. I already lost two years because of this, I wouldn’t be surprised if I had to drop out completely this time.”

“You have more important things on your mind than classes for now,” Sam smiled knowingly. “When this is all over I can help you catch up with everything if you want to. I mean, it’s just a few weeks now, right? I’m sure you can still make it.”

“I'll manage somehow, but thanks.” Lucifer shook his head, but more to himself than towards Sam. “I'm more worried about Gabe right now, I'm not sure if Raphael told you.”

“He said he stays with friends for a while because your dad was mean to you again.”

“That's the light version of what happened,” Lucifer scoffed. “I didn't want to scare him more than I had to, but he asked about his brother of course.”

“It's much worse, right?” Sam asked and Lucifer nodded sadly.

“CPS took him,” he said with the most heartbreaking shame in his voice. “One of the neighbors finally had enough and called the cops when my old man lost it again last night. Gabe  woke up from the noise and he has a huge bruise on his arm from falling a few days ago, they saw it of course didn't believe me when I told them about it and called CPS for his own safety. I saw it happen, even comforted him, but they didn't seem to listen. They thought dad beat him up and said they had to do it.”

“I'm so sorry, Lucifer,” Sam whispered and laid a hand on the other’s. “Is there nothing you can do? I’m sure they want him to be happy and well, right?”

“I might've made it worse when they said they'd take him… dad didn't give a shit about the news and somehow my hand and his nose had a small meeting. His nose lost.”

“Ouch.” Sam felt awful, but his lips still jerked at the thought of Lucifer breaking his dad's nose.

“He launched at me and they arrested him because I'm still a minor,” Lucifer smirked with a hint of pride. “But it'll be hard to get Gabe back, they told me. I talked to the CPS lady for a few hours and she said they won't let him go back to my dad. She believed me when I told her that I would do anything for him and that he never hit him, but if I want him back I need to file for custody and to do that I need a place to live and money and, of course, be a legal adult…”

“Fuck, that sure is a mess...”

“Yeah,” Lucifer huffed unamused. “They can't stay at the house because it's dad's and I can't work because Raphael needs me and I need a job to earn money to get a place to live with them. A dilemma if I ever saw one. Right now he’s in a very nice family with two other kids his age, the woman told me, but it’s just not his home, you know? It’s not  his family...”

“Well, for now Gabe is safe, right?” Sam tried to point out something positive, to which Lucifer nodded slowly. “Your dad can't hurt him and maybe things with Raphael will get better soon. One problem at a time.”

“If that idiot who calls himself our father would just die, a lot of our problems would be solved.”

“I guess you don't have any other family members around?”

“No, no one. I don't know where the hell Michael is and I don't care, all we got is dad and he's a useless piece of shit,” Lucifer sighed. “I'm sorry, I keep bothering you with all this crap, it must be really annoying.”

“Well, you have to talk to someone and I'm here. I’m glad if I can help somehow, even if it’s only with listening.”

“And you feel obliged to listen because of some dumb coincidence, don't you?”

“Do you really think that?” Sam wondered and gave Lucifer a curious glare. The blond shrugged.

“You don't know me, I don't know you, we're not even friends, even if everyone here thinks that,” Lucifer said, looking at Sam. “The one I am out there, the asshole that scares everybody by just looking at them? That’s a mask I'm wearing to protect my brothers. It stops people from talking to me and from stealing my time and attention, but you still didn't stay away. Why else if not for this dumb soulmate thing? Oh, don't look like that, do you think I didn't feel the same way you did?”

Sam felt his face heat up and looked away to hide his blatantly obvious blushing.

“So, I'm not making this up,” he said and bit his lip. “It’s true.”

“Yes and it's why you're here, why you want to help my brother even if you don't know him at all and why you listen to me rambling. It's not because you  want  to do it, it's because you  have  to.”

“I hate to disappoint you, but you're wrong,” Sam said and turned back to face Lucifer with a stern glare. “I'm not a cold-hearted monster, I would help your brother even without this shit going on.”

“But you wouldn't know him if it wasn't because of it, right?”

“No, I…” Sam blushed again, but this time kept his eyes on the other. “I wouldn't. But that doesn't change a thing, I'd still help him if I knew he needed it.”

Lucifer sighed. He looked into his empty cup, shook his head and got up to get himself another. When he came back he still had this very concentrated expression on his face that made Sam feel miserable.

“I'm not saying you wouldn't, don't get me wrong,” Lucifer continued, stirring his coffee. “But it's a fact that this soulmate thing exists and neither of us likes it. I don't have time for this, I can't afford thinking about it or allow it to consume me. My brothers need me, they don’t have anyone else they can count on. If I give into this I will be distracted and can’t be there for them anymore the way I have to anymore. I can see that you try to fight it yourself and you're starting to lose, that’s not good. It won't end well, it just can't. Soulmates or not doesn't matter, I can't afford these kind of things.”

“Do you know why I fight it?” Sam asked and Lucifer shook his head slowly, looking up from his coffee. “My parents were soulmates too and I saw what happens when you let it consume you. Mom got killed and dad just… he just stopped caring. All he does anymore is drink and yell and pass out in random places. I never knew what it's like to have a real family, a place you come home to and where you are loved and can just be happy. I only had my brother and the knowledge that soulmates destroy people. I don't associate them with love and compassion, just with coldness, anger and hate. If they were both still here, maybe things would be different. I’m the little brother in your story, the one that only ever had his big brother… it didn’t help strengthening my faith in soulmates.”

“And you're scared you'll end up like your dad, don't you?” Lucifer assumed, unknowingly hitting very close to home. “You're scared that you'll be unable to go on if something happens to your soulmate; that if they die, you won’t manage to live your life without them anymore.”

“In a way," Sam mumbled ashamed. "But that's not al, not reallyl. I don't know why I shouldn't be able to choose the one I spend my life with alone, you know? It's just not fair, I never asked to get a soulmate, I never asked to be played with like a puppet on strings. I have plans, I don't want my life to depend on someone I don't even know. It’s a selfish reason, I know, but it doesn’t change that I feel this way.”

“You're not as shallow as I thought you were,” Lucifer smirked at the other. “You know what you want, you're stubborn and determined. I like that. Kinda makes you less appalling.”

“T-thanks?” Sam didn't know what to think of this. Lucifer didn't try to flatter him right now, did he?

“I'm glad you want to help Raph, really,” Lucifer continued after nodding. “But I don't want to use you like that. You don’t owe me or him anything because of fate or coincidence, it would be wrong to ask you for it. Just don't do it because you feel like you have to, I guess, that's all I'm saying.”

“I don't do it because I have to, I  want   to do it,” Sam answered immediately, without hesitation. “Raphael deserves better and so do you and Gabe, soulmates or not. Even if we’d shake hands and never see each other again after this day I'd do it, because it's the right thing to do.”

“I can’t say I’m not relieved to hear that;” Lucifer sighed. “It’s just all too messed up, no matter what I do, it won’t work out. Meeting you was weird and kind of scary, I admit that. I didn’t expect something like this to happen anytime soon, it just wasn’t on my radar.”

“It wasn’t on mine either, in case that helps,” Sam smiled weakly. “I just wanted to study and become a lawyer to finally get away from my dad, you were not part of the plan.”

“Yeah, sorry for that,” Lucifer smirked. “I tried my hardest to throw you off at least, you gotta give me that.”

“Oh, I do,” Sam laughed. “I was so creeped out I whined to my brother about why I had to be punished like that.”

“Thanks.” Lucifer returned the laugh. “I guess he found it highly entertaining.”

“Yeah, he suggested a bullet to the head as the alternative of talking to you. Not really what I wanted either, so I decided to just talk to you.”

“Regret your decision already?”

“Meh,” Sam shrugged, not without a slight grin on his face. “You’re not what I expected, but I guess I could have had it worse.”

“You know,” Lucifer smiled, for the first time not only weakly. “If my brothers wouldn't suffer from it I'd actually consider to drop my thoughts on this whole soulmate topic. You're rather interesting.”

“You mean because I'm a stubborn idiot with daddy issues too?” Sam joked and Lucifer’s smile got a bit wider.

“Something like that, yeah,” Lucifer laughed.

[wonderfulworldofwinchester]

Old News, New Beginning

Dean x Reader 

Request By @pandazombie69 : “Can i get a deadn x reader where dean and the reader are best friends who flirt and stuff but neither have confessed anything. They hang out allot and tell things to each other and share with each other wherw they wont anyone else. Then one night it just explodes. All their feelings come out and stuff. Can be angst to lemon please (not full on smut).”

Warnings: A smidge of language, a slight mention of anxiety if you squint hard. (Like literally it just says the word, do details.) Let me know if something should be added. 

This is unedited, apologies for any mistakes, or anything that’s kinda funky lol 

A/N: What a whirlwind the last 2 weeks have been. My summer has quickly come to close, and I have gone back to work. If you don’t know, I work in special ed at an elementary school, so my hands are pretty full on weekdays. After we get through the first couple weeks of school, I will have more time to write. I apologize for the wait time for these requests, and I thank you for your patience. 

I added a To Do List to my description! Now you can access what posts or fics I am currently working on anytime! 

Masterlist           To Do List

Best friends. That was the term you used to describe your relationship with Dean Winchester. There was nothing wrong with that. It’s not like it was inaccurate. The two of you had long since earned that title. From the time you had met many many years ago, you had a connection that no one could question. You did everything together, ordered the same drinks, listened to the same music, shared the same sense of humor. It was everything you could want in a best friends type relationship.

While saying your relationship was being best friends wasn’t inaccurate, it wasn’t totally accurate either. A few years back you had started dancing along the lines of something more. The harmless joking became more and more like flirting, until it was outright shameless flirting. You two had something more going on than what either of you let on. Even a blind man standing a mile away could see that. Of course that didn’t matter. Neither of you would acknowledge it, let alone act on it. Your asses had been called out many, many times by some sweet old lady either in a store, or some times on a hunt, which almost always led to an awkward car ride, or some pitiful attempt to divert the conversation. 

The two of you knew it was pathetic that you tried to hard to bury what nothing could hide. You had a bond that was unbreakable. The man knew things about you, you weren’t even sure you knew about. He had always been so easy for you to talk to, and confide in when you needed that love and support. He knew the depths or your despair, and the darkest of that dark hollows your fears had left within you, and still he never once looked at you as any weaker, or less than you had always been. There were also many nights that the man who is gruff and intimidating by day would find his way into your room, and under the cover to seek shelter from the things that kept him up at night. The things he could tell no one, not even Sam. He didn’t tell you of any of them at first, afraid he would scare you aware, or you would take pity on him. It didn’t take long for hat charade to drop. After only a couple weeks, he would no longer try and hide the hurt and pain. He would curl up with you and tell you what had him so undone. You knew his most painful memories, his baggage, and what would paralyze him with fear and anxiety. You were more than bet friends, if you could even truly call it that anymore. 

These behaviors and tendencies were what made up your relationship. It was all you knew, and all you thought you’d ever know. One night, after a night of some heavy post hunt celebrations, you had been feeling pretty good. The drinks had taken their toll for sure. You were nowhere near fall down drunk, but you and Dean had enough to really dull down the edge you were constantly on, making this equally as risky as it was rewarding.

The feeling you had for the older brother had been building since day one. That was no question. However, the fast few months had been like someone amped them up. You were both constantly on edge, which was such a new feeling for both of you. It had never been that way before. The feeling was so new and foreign, you felt a buzz of excitement, but that was coupled with a twinge of fear. You like the idea that something you had been biting back for a few week might accidentally slip past your lips, or even better his. 

The minute the two of you were sitting alone in the bunker’s kitchen, polishing off what was left in the glasses you held, he came around the table and sat down so close that neither of you could breathe without at least your arms brushing. You never felt uneasy around him, but tonight, he was making your all kinds of nervous, but in all the right ways. If was like your bodies could sense your guards letting down, and were plotting against you, planning for the feeling to come rushing out. Your little trip down the rabbit trail in your mind was cut short when you could feel the fanning of his breath against your cheek, making a few stray strands of hair flutter in the slightest. “Wha-huh?” Did you really just blush and stutter. 

“Where did your mind you just now?” He inquired, tilting his head at you. Like always he could sense when something was off, and he truly wanted to now what, and why. 

You shook you head, “It was nothing. Just tired and zoned out after a long day i guess.” 

The look he gave you told you he wasn’t buying that crap for one second. “Really, I was kind hoping you were thinking th same thing I was” 

“What exactly is that?” 

“This.” He said, slightly motioning his head towards the space between the tow of you as if to describe the current state of your relationship. 

“Okay...”

“Okay?” He shot his eyes up to meet yours, “That’s all you’re going to say?”  “What do you want me to say, Dean?” You stood up from your chair and started pacing in the small space by the table. “That I am in love with you. With how your eyes light up, and there are those little crinkles when you laugh. With the way you never seem to be able to give enough of yourself. The way you still find joy in the little thing even in the midst of this shit show of a life we live. The way you can be so big and bad, but also the biggest teddy bear ever. The way you make me laugh with out a single word, or the way you hold me when I cry. Or-” 

He stood up from the table as well, “I may not have been thinking those exact things, but yes, you are on the same train of thought as I am. You see, the day I met you, all those years ago, the time when the world would have considered us to still be kids, I knew you were going to change my life. I may not have known exactly how, but I knew you would. Little did I know, you would be the ray of sunshine on the stormy days we have in this life. I didn’t know I would have someone who gets my humor, or could make me smile the way you do. I didn’t know I would get someone who sees my baggage but chooses not to let it define me. Some one who could listen to me cry my eyes out over a bad dream, and still look at me like I was some kind of superhero. Someone who is so much more than just a best friend. I am in love you. Your laugh. With the way your eyes shift in color ever so slightly depending on the light. With the way your heart abounds with love for people even when have made some piss poor decisions. You see things in ways I never could. You see me in ways I never could. I love everything about you, and I can’t pretend that I don’t anymore.” 

The room was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop, neither of you knowing what to say. Finally you broke the silence. “So... what does this mean for us.” 

“I don’t know exactly.” He stepped closer to you, your eyes locked on each other, and his arms circled around your waist, “But I do know that I want to do this.” His lips collided with yours in a fiery yet still soft and loving kiss. It was one that was made up of all the memories from the many years you’d shared together. It represented the building and building of feelings that had finally exploded. There was no telling how long you had stood there lip locked with your best friend, just making out, and feeling all of each other. 

You broke away, out of breath, dawning the goofiest smiles. “So does this mean I can just start the night in your room now, or do I have to wait until have way through to join you?” He wiggled eyebrows suggestively as he spoke. 

“Oh my god. You’re such a dork.” 

That night could be summarized as Old news, New beginning. 

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[pisati]

I feel like I’m in a weird transitory period (but who doesn’t?). I’m between jobs, still. I don’t think I want another job in my field, despite how much I love it. I just don’t feel like I’m cut out for it. I’m considering grad school in another field, not sure which yet. I still live at home. still got my mom helping me with a lot, but soon I won’t have her for health insurance. my health situation is still a big question mark but soon I may have to change my diet pretty drastically. I’ve been depressed since I was 17 and I’ve learned how to deal with it but I know I need medication, and I’m still not on the right ones yet. I just kind of feel like I’m waiting for something to give. for something big to change; something to change for the better.

it’s nice to look back on myself from 3, 4, 5, 6 years ago and know I’ve changed a lot. mostly for the better, in a few other ways not so much. I’m 20 days away from 25. I’m still young, I have a lot more growing and learning to do, still. there’s time to right the things that went wrong. that’s comforting. 

there is no static self. I’m trying to remember that fact. 

I can’t blame others for the things that I don’t like about myself, necessarily. other people did have a hand in molding me into the person I am right now, but ultimately it was my problem that I let those things shape me. 

most animals learn through patterns. behaviors get rewarded or punished; the ones that get rewarded are the ones they’ll [usually] repeat, the ones that get punished are the ones they’ll [usually] avoid. 

all through schooling, all through growing up, I had things I liked, things I’d get excited about. other people often didn’t share those things, and sometimes I’d end up in a situation where I’d be talking excitedly about something and get made fun of. poked at. given that “uhhuh...” half-smile that told me nobody actually cared. get ignored completely. it was hard for me to keep things in, though, and as I got older I learned to embrace the “weird” label. after years of berating myself, of course. why couldn’t I just be like everyone else? why couldn’t I just shut up? 

hardly anyone noticed me in school, especially after I moved to virginia. friends, more than that. my best friend had boy after boy throwing themselves at her feet, but people would pass us both in the hallways (as we were rarely without each other before or after classes) and only say hi to her. I had my crushes, but they never worked out. some, I heard, were a little weirded out about it, if they found out. I’d never made any passes at anyone. I learned to keep my distance even further. I learned very quickly that me having feelings was a bad thing; people would feel weird about it if I was the one that liked them. I wasn’t something that could be liked in return. 

college was a different story. I didn’t know how to react to the sudden change in attitudes. at the time I was still hopeful, too. I thought I’d lost that hope in high school; I hadn’t. I felt so deeply. I mostly let it out on twitter, or on here; my tags for two of them specifically still hold all the posts I reblogged that you’d never see me reblogging today. it was even uncomfortable for me at the time to admit I felt that way, but I knew I did. me? wanting to kiss someone? cuddle? unheard of. but please? sometimes it’d come out in conversation when I was upset. I got hurt. so bad. a lot of that was my own fault; thinking things were more than they were. I’d never had anything like that before. I assumed, given my past, that if they wanted anything to do with me they must have really liked me. and if they liked me, how could they? I was so scared to show affection after. 

A got so weirded out by it. the day I told him I had feelings for him, he went quiet. I knew he didn’t have feelings, but it hurt to hear it. I told him as we were stopped on the way home from our walk down the creek that I just.. wished that for once someone would care about me as much as I cared about them. maybe an inappropriate time for that comment, maybe he took it as me meaning him specifically. but he started walking and didn’t look back. I followed a ways behind him, watched him continue all the way back to his building. not one glance back. and much later: you’re insanely hot. intelligent. witty. I really appreciate that you actually think about things and you want to know the truth, even if it’s not what you want to hear. but with my other relationships I felt this spark that made me want to be with them, and I just don’t have that for you. I’m attracted to you in other ways, but not like that.

I only ever tried to initiate anything one time. once. the entire time he used me I only tried once. he turned to me, said I know what you’re trying to do, and no. and that was that. I was scared to touch him. I was scared he’d recoil. I was scared he’d think I was head-over-heels for him and he’d walk away and not look back. I wish I’d known better, then, that I should’ve just dropped it. I couldn’t do casual, but I forced myself to. I think on some level I knew I should’ve walked away, I just didn’t want to. I was 19, 20. I guess I had some kind of hope that I could change his mind. I let him put his hands on me when he wanted. I wanted to feel wanted, even artificially. I felt exceedingly uncomfortable doing anything myself. taking any kind of initiative. I liked him so, so much. but I was afraid. 

it was almost the same story with T, but he didn’t react like that. getting rewarded positively for that kind of thing was new for me, but for a little less than 5 weeks of my life I started to open up. I felt so different with him. I felt I was on equal footing, though I worried I still felt more for him than he did for me. I learned later that he’d told a friend that he knew he was wasting his time with me. I wasn’t supposed to be anything; I was some cute girl at a friend’s game night, I was another meaningless hookup, I was an accidental, unexpected crush. and then I was gone. he married the next girl. I think he still refers to me as an “ex” (I was surprised when I found out his wife really didn’t want to see me when I visited that first winter; apparently she didn’t want an “ex” around). but it was only 3.5 weeks that we were ‘unofficially official’. it wasn’t anything. I wasn’t anything. I can rely on those 3.5 weeks of my life to tell myself that I’m not unloveable. to tell myself that sometimes it can be a good thing when I show affection. but it’s hard. it was only a few weeks. versus the entire rest of my life.

I gave both of them little things. it was a way for me to show affection that didn’t have to mean anything; I’d do the same for friends (or almost the same; it always meant a little more to me, but they didn’t have to know that). I wanted to show them I cared about them and appreciated them, regardless of romantic feelings. hand-painted canvases of favorite album covers. custom bass rosin. a favorite band’s favorite album, that I’d gotten signed by the whole band at a show. a dice bag crocheted from icelandic wool, made to look like a dragon egg. insomnia cookies, as an apology for almost giving them strep one time. a pick tool made for cleaning out tobacco pipes (but equally useful for bowls and grinders); just as satisfying for me that he immediately got up and threw out his container of toothpicks. that was the safest way I could think of, to show affection. it’s the one part of young, hopeful me that I think managed to stay intact. I still really enjoy finding things people like and giving them something from the heart, but for them. 

looking at it, though, I don’t think I’m permanently changed. sometimes it feels like it. but I also haven’t had any chances to fix it. my last therapist told me, basically, that I need to take a risk. I can’t learn to trust other people with my full self if I don’t take a chance on anyone. and I know she’s right. I do feel like I kind of am where I’ve been for the last few years, though; I haven’t been talking to much of anyone, and I haven’t cared to try. the loneliness doesn’t bite as hard as it used to. I worry about my distant future sometimes, but it doesn’t do me any good to, especially when I don’t even know where I’m going to be a year from now.

some things do feel deadened. but they’re numbed, not necrotic. I’m young, I (hopefully) have a lot of life left to live. all this only happened over the course of a few years, starting 5.5 years ago or so. I’ve had my time away. I’ve gotten through the worst of the “this is just how I am now” rhetoric. I won’t know what’s permanent til I’m on my deathbed. 

another way animals learn is through a process called social learning. monkey see, monkey do. 

my brother and I parroted a lot from our mom. my brother still did it well after I grew out of it; I don’t know how he feels about her or if he can accept that she’s fallible and can be wrong sometimes, or if he genuinely thinks the same way. but I know I got myself away from it, and I’m glad I did. after being on tumblr so long, reading a lot of posts about self-image, negative self-talk, prejudice, so on, I recognized my mom doing it. I realized she’d been doing it my whole life and I hadn’t even noticed. it became a part of me before I could even understand that it was bad.  turning down compliments and in the same breath putting herself down: oh, thanks, but I didn’t deserve that win, my forehand is terrible and I missed so many shots. acting sad over my normal puberty weight gain: well maybe if you didn’t eat so much... putting others down for no reason: wow, what happened to her? she looked so much better in that show 30 years ago, she looks just awful now. general prejudice; most often I remember her repeating non-anglo-sounding names with a judgmental bent (which my brother would also do), talking about things people did and adding in their race or gender as if that was an important factor (Asian, Indian drivers especially). I still cringe at the memory of the parroted reasoning I had for not wanting to take Spanish classes in middle school (I don’t want to work at McDonald’s when I’m older) ((newsflash, 13yo me, Spanish classes were one of the best parts of high school, the reason you ended up making some of the coolest friends in Brazil, and what set you on the path to getting a degree in linguistics. Spanish, first of all, is a European language that was spoken primarily by white people until they colonized the countries native to Latino people, and not wanting to learn Spanish because you don’t want to be like the primarily Spanish-speaking people that often work at McDonald’s, a job deemed degrading as well, is, like, super racist)). 

I learned so much from her. I learned to discount my achievements. I learned to focus on the negatives (and later she’d get on my case for being negative, like... where’d I learn that, I wonder?). I learned snap judgments. I learned to hate the normal changes my body went through; called myself fat when I was a perfectly normal size for my age, simply because I had a tiny, tiny little pocket of fat on my belly and my thighs were growing. 

I’m glad I unlearned a lot of that. nobody’s perfect, I’m still learning every day. but I really need to work on the negativity especially. that’s something that’s been so deeply ingrained I really don’t know how to work my way out of it. it’s so painfully easy to be like that. I hope that, if one day I can afford therapy, that’ll be an area they can help me with. and I don’t think it’s impossible. it’s just re-wiring. re-training. it’s something I’ll need to work at, it’s something I expect to stumble over. but I want to be better. 

that’s the whole thing about it. I want to. I’m sick of being how I am, I’m sick of being sick of how I am. instead of complaining about it, I need to just. pick up the pieces. splash some bleach water around in my brain, scrub at it. I was sick of living in a cluttered mess, so I gathered up a ton of clothes, books, etc. to donate or throw out and I completely changed the energy of my bedroom. I know there’s more I can do, and it would certainly help to have more space, but I was determined and I did the damn thing. I can marie-kondo the fuck out of my brain too.

and there’s no fingers to point, really. it can’t be my fault for growing up and absorbing the world around me, learning from experience and developing theoretical models based on that experience. it can’t be the fault of others who didn’t know better either. but I am responsible for changing it. this isn’t me, this isn’t how I am. it may be for right now, but I think it speaks more to my character that I want to fix the parts that don’t work right, so they don’t harm others or continue to harm me. 

there’s certainly things I like about myself. my strength, my independence (for the most part), my determination (even when it borders on stubbornness). my hunger for knowledge, my heart, when it works right. also things I’ve had to learn, but things I’m genuinely proud of. 

I’m just not in a very good place right now, but I know that. I’m still recovering from some of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. I can discount the impact of those things all I want; I can deny that they affected me negatively if I want. that doesn’t change facts. I was taken advantage of, many times, before I knew better. I watched pets suffer, tried to revive a few to no avail. I watched my dad carried out of his apartment in a body bag; felt his cold, stiff hand before I said goodbye. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I fucked up the best job prospect I could have had out of college, and I had to do a lot of soul-searching to be able to accept my faults and accept that they did play a part in my own failures. I have had to deal with so much pain alone, and I am not in any position to be my own therapist. it doesn’t do any good for me to be upset with myself for how I am right now; to berate myself for it or try to blame myself or others. I just need to reassure myself that it can change. I’ve got time, I’ve got the determination. recognizing it is just step one, but sometimes even that can be hard for people.

and it’s not an overhaul, either. I’m not aiming to change my entire personality. I just want to do better. to feel better. there’s a way I imagine feeling when I picture myself in that craftsman house out near the oregon coast. looking across my lavender plants on a cool morning with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders; croissant in one hand, hot chocolate in the other. I don’t actually know what that feeling is. I sometimes worry that it’ll be the same as the feeling I had at my first farm jam, when I was stretched out in a hammock in the woods. I should’ve felt better. I was finally with friends. I was in the woods on a beautiful day, nothing I had to do besides looking up at the trees and leaves and blue sky. and I felt so empty. like if that couldn’t make me feel good, nothing could.

I know what contentedness feels like. wanting to hit the pause button and just be where I am for a few moments longer. I hope one day, if I can make it to where I want to be, it’ll be that instead.