#also i am looking away from that writing sample of mine i dont' think i realized it was gonna be on the spotlight even tho i'm p sure it

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

oh yeah did i mention i was writing for a monkie kid zine? check it-

 preorders open July 1st, the twitter is @//LMKFanzine. they’re just finishing up contributor spotlights so feel free to check out if you see any artists or writers you recognize.

[kpop-probably]

Are you ready?

iKon 8th Member AU

Warning: Language (cursing)

May 2016

Asuka POV

To say I was nervous is an understatement of the year, but I try to put on my best face of confidence just like everyone else here. Damn Bobby and his persuasiveness, or maybe I just have a soft spot for the kid. I look around and take note that majority of the crowd is male and that makes me feel even smaller. Why the hell did I agree to this? 

But while i'm lost in thought someone comes and stands next to me and I hadn't even noticed. “You seem like you're lost in thought, I've been standing here for almost 20 minutes trying to get your attention” He laughs and I instantly feel bad. “I'm so sorry Jae won.” But I can't help the smile that graces my face when I realize how close he's actually standing to me and I look away before my face gives away that i'm no longer nervous but about the fact that he's never been this close to me before. He's about to say something before my phone dings, I give him an apologetic look and check my phone and immediately but playfully roll my eyes the boys have made a group chat and called it 

“winner winner chicken dinner” that sounds like a Yoon Hyung joke and it was horrid. Jinhwan is the first to send a message

Jinhwannieee: Don't be nervous nuna you got this!!

Leader BinBin: Yea Nuna don't let nerves get the best of you you've got this thing in the bag. Let them see why nobody is ready for Asuka!!! ❤️

Baby June: What he said. Don't be nervous and remember that you're my favorite! Sorry guys 😬

Granps (Song): I make her food so she likes me better!

Dongie Boo: Actually she likes me more if were picking favorites now.

Baby June: Nuh uh she definitely likes me more isn't that right nuna?

Bestie Bobby: Guys!!! 😐

Jae Won looks over my shoulder and laughs loudly while I just ignore the idiotic behavior and focus on calming my nerves and if they were trying to help do that they are doing a terrible job. “Are they always like this?” He asks. “Literally everyday. Even in their sleep.” He laughs again and I can't help but notice he has the cutest smile. But I also notice he thinks i'm joking but sadly i'm not. I once witnessed Chanwoo and June arguing in their sleep. Of course they had no recollection of the fight the next morning.

WE NEED EVERYONE TO LINE UP THE AUDITIONS WILL START IN 2 MINUTES!

Okay i'm fucked. Jae notices my nervousness is back and grabs my hand and rubs his thumb across the back of my hand and I freeze and look up at him and he looks back at me with the softest of eyes. “You've got this. I'll be here every step of the way...well i'll try to be” I smile, thankful for the encouraging words. I face forward and put my game face on. Jae starts rapping and I am in complete awe because I had never heard him rap before. He went from this soft beautiful man to rapping and cursing. Before i know it Jae has his chain and Dok2 is in front of me. I freeze but remember what the boys said. I do got this.

Stepped up in the game and dropped the whole world on its head. Murdered them on everything, dropping like a heavy crane, hard flow, bars dope, up here next to god flow, wish a bitch would and I would box her like some cardboard. Swag fuckin stupid I be on my bart and homer shit. Beat em, kill em, Eat em, put em on that organ donors list. I'm lyrically guillotine revive it just to kill a beat. You bitches put no fear in me, everybody talkin but aint bout nothing in this industry come and take a look i'm the realest and you're about to see so just gimme my crown.

Dok2 has the most emotionless face I have ever seen in my life and the dark glasses don't help. He stands there for a second and looks me up and down before bowing and I immediately think he didn't choose me, then I feel a nudge from Jae and look up and there it is, Dok2 holding a chain out to me with a small smile on his face. It takes every muscle, nerve and physical will in my body to keep me from screaming. I bow and take the chain from him then turn to Jae whose smile is just as big as mine. “See you did it!” he mouths to me. But someone always has to kill the mood. A guy in a grey sweatshirt comes from beside Jae with an upset look on his face. He shakes Jaes hand and stands in front of me. “Hey!! Are you serious?!! You gave her a chain and not me? My rap was better than hers and his if were being honest” Dok2 turns around and just looks at the guy “You were cursing way to much for my taste so I moved on and she” he says pointing at me. “Was better than you by far” Then he turns and walks away but not before grey sweatshirt guy takes more jabs at us then Dok2, and he's removed by security.

Skype with the boys is gonna be a blast.

Authors note: I hope you guys liked it!! I enjoyed writing this and trust me there is more to come with Asuka and SMTM 5!! Dont be afraid to tell me what you think!! And didnt we all just hate Grey Sweatshirt guy in real life? The song I sampled and kind of edited was Crown by Angel Haze I dont own any of the lyrics! 😆😆

[angryschnauzer]

Actually, yes you did. You decided to come into my inbox with this and for some unfathomable reason you seemed to think it was acceptable. You are however the only person to have come into my inbox, but looking at your history and archive you don’t seem to have been here long so either you are a fake account that someone who is pissed at me not accepting anons has made, or you are new here and need to learn a little respect for people that provide FREE entertainment. 

I do suspect you aren’t the only person that is thinking those thoughts, so as i’m feeling utterly fucked off with pretty much everything right now, let me give you a run through of my day today.

12.01am Toddler wakes after a nightmare. It takes me 2 hours to settle him. 2.30am approx fall back to sleep 3.45am Husbands alarm goes off as he starts work at 5am 4.30am approx fall back to sleep 6.30am my alarm goes off. I then start 2 loads of laundry, pack 4 sales that have come in overnight, arrange international shipping, customs forms, tax details. 8am Toddler wakes. He’s wet himself, but had moved from his bed to our bed meaning he’s gotten both sets of bedding wet. Strip both beds and start washloads of laundry #3 and #4. First two earlier loads go in the dryer. Then its time for breakfast which includes a bowl of rice crispies all over the table, floor, toddler. Change toddler into new set of dry clothes and clear up cereal spillage. 8.45am sit down for my own (now cold) breakfast and (now cold) coffee. 9.30am Toddler has finally finished breakfast after two trips to the potty which i have to stay in attendance for, so its time to negotiate with the 3ft dictator to get dressed.  10am Toddler is dressed, washed, and it watching cartoons as i finish a piece of crochet work for an order where someone is chasing a despatch date asap as the customer didn’t tell me their order was urgent and is needed in 4 days time, rather than the 2 weeks the order lead time advises. 11am Start early lunch with Toddler. As he’s eating that i wash the dishes, make diet friendly egg muffins for the weekend ahead, chuck first batch of eggs away as they have gone bad. Kitchen trash can is full so empty that, toddler wants to help and barges in, spilling rotten egg on me, himself, and the floor. Change me, toddler, and clear up egg mess. Remind toddler to eat lunch. Toddler has tantrum. Midday Toddler has another tantrum as doesn’t want to put his coat on for preschool. Let him scream on the hallway doormat as i switch washloads and dryer loads. Gather together things for preschool.  Discover front door to house is coming away from the building that poses safety and security risk to the house.  12.15pm Go to preschool. Spend 3 hours there helping 12 small children of which 11 aren’t mine to wipe their butts, noses, hands. Stop small child from sucking on the sharp end of scissors. Wipe more noses. Get kicked in the shin by child who wanted to scalp another child with a garden trowel.  3.15pm Wave goodbye to preschool with pounding headache, drive to garage to try and get a quote for repairs from previous weekends hit-and-run asshole that dented my car. get caught in a traffic jam in the road, don’t get to garage before they close. 4pm Home. Call windows and glazing company and explain about door. Is promised a call back. Toddler tips lego all over office floor whilst i am on the phone. have to repeat myself on the call numerous times. Feed, water and change toddler who is now exhausted and has turned into a small demon. 4.30pm Drink cold coffee i made when i got home. 

So that takes me up to now. To add to that my to do list for JUST TONIGHT consists of:

Paint Bird House for local competition List 2nd hand toys on local selling site Sort Toddlers clothing that he has grown out of for Charity/Goodwill collection tomorrow. Put Christmas Decorations into lift Tidy DVD bookcase where toddler has taken disks out of cases Untangle sewing machine Load old child safety seat into car to take to recycling centre Clean buggy/stroller Sort a number of boxes that have been stashed behind a sofa Make 10000 pieces of book confetti for samples to take to a trade fair Scan 350 page document to for local museum archives that i am curator for Put clothing away that has been washed/dried today and vacuum entire top floor of house

And somewhere in all that, i need to make and eat dinner, do the dishes, remake both beds, bathe toddler, spend a few minutes of quality time with my husband, call my parents, and also my husbands parents for the weekly check in call.

So i’m going to say this just once. DONT COME INTO MY INBOX WITH THIS KIND OF ASK EVER AGAIN. YOU HAVE BEEN BLOCKED. DON’T YOU THINK I WOULD RATHER BE WRITING AND DOING SOMETHING FUN AND IMAGINATIVE THAN ALL THE UTTER BULLSHIT I HAVE PUT ABOVE??? I KNOW I HAVE MULTIPLE SERIES THAT ARE UNFINISHED AND IT ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME, BUT IF YOU WANT THEM DONE SOONER THEN HERE’S MY KOFI ACCOUNT BUY ME A FUCKING COFFEE OR TEN, AND THEN I WON’T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME CRAFTING AND I MIGHT HAVE TIME FOR WRITING.

If you’re not going to do that, then put up and shut up. Fanfiction writers create content for free. You don’t get to demand a schedule. End of story. 

[granite-slab]

eValuation

First I’ll just sum up where I’m at and what I’ve produced:

F O R E I G N _ Q U A R R Y

- STONES THROW - software - virtual pre-made stones in a limitless white void lie still and silent - at randomly determined intervals a stone will be given life, rise up silently and hovering above the ground, then suddenly and loudly be flung towards the viewer and make collision with the screen itself, shuddering

- VISIBLE WOUNDS - digitally manipulated photographs photocopied onto polarising film - rocks and shattered LCD screens are posed on a lightbox and photographed, then taken into photoshop and edited to appear like limitless asteroid collisions with science fiction psychedelic colours

- LIQUID Q - video - various images referencing cell division and microscopic life are flattened by Adobe’s preset emboss effect among footage of cracking screens and computer pieces suspended in water, sound is sampled from cracking ice

- IMPACT SITES - colour pencil drawings - scratchy shitty sketches of liquid crystal diffraction patterns, phone screen cracks and craters

-------------------------

The work is an investigation into the materiality of technology, prompted by concerns of extinction, violence, material memory, trauma and labour exploitation, the dangers of understanding the world through science?

It’s pretty broad work inspired by far reaching concepts.

Aesthetically it’s taken on a science fiction flavour from some of my favourite films: Tarkovsky’s Solaris, as well as ofc 2001: A Space Odyssey. There are references also to the pagan landscapes of Dartmoor and the history of local stone. Granite mined from the moors in quarries managed by prisoners, used to build their own prison. 

The concepts toyed with some autobiographical content, on my personal feelings towards my relationship with/addiction to technology: but i dont think this is a very large part of the work - it is much wider than that.

The work started as a sort of one-note concept and material investigation (digging with a spoon), moved on to assemblage, then developed into this new body of work where sculptures are intermediated through video or photography and removed from physical space, becoming wholly digital and absent in their presence.

--------------------------

PRESENTATION

Following feedback from the formative assessment I decided to present the works in a dark space - the hot and smelly dark space room in the studio. It is a disgusting and claustrophobic space. During the presentation, to avoid confusion I will not be reading a written script, but I will be somewhat performing, using the light from my phone’s flashlight to highlight work, as if I’m at a dig site or something.

The STONES THROW piece will be running through, disrupting my muttering with loud and glitchy machine gun noises of rocks colliding. I will run it on a resolution far too intense for my laptop to handle, and consequently the simulation will run at a very low framerate, appearing very broken and stuttery. My laptop will be whirring loudly and struggling to keep up with the workload I have given it. I want the technology to be struggling, rendering the video sort of incomprehensible. Hopefully, in the dark and hot space this will be distressing and intense for the viewer.

Otherwise, the dark space will force the viewer into an uncomfortable situation. In order to properly view the 2D work they will have to manoeuvre around, finding angles at which the light from the tv reflects off the surface of the images so that they can see them. the simulation will be working in many senses, then.

The polarised images will be rested, cluttered, on a fallen metal air vent. This is a sort of cop out of a presentation. I tested with lightboxes and enjoyed the effect, and wanted to try something similar but without light. They are rested horizontal on a surface equally as reflective as they are - creating visual confusion. My idea of nailing an image into the lightbox is still one I want to test, but when I have attempted to print a larger image on a larger piece of film - not before. Cluttering the prints onto a dark and reflective surface also helps to... prohibit the viewer from seeing how shit the actual quality of the prints is. They look sortof discarded, like how they will be when I spend this next module refining the process. They were just tests after all, done rogue on the photocopier.

I nailed the other 2D work - the drawing and the galaxy - into the wall. I stripped this down from the formative, just one drawing - a crater - to juxtapose with the galaxy/big bang explosion. A creation and a destruction. One handmade, one a photograph. These are further away from the screen and are lit better than the horizontal prints.

-------------------------

PROPOSAL FOR 303

// new work? maybe // I’d like to experiment with video to make a companion for the software // two channel video in a dark and claustrophobic space [ one still and silent, occasionally loud and disruptive, the other constantly changing and ambient, trap the viewer between the two, constantly at the mercy of the work ] // new prints? maybe // new drawings? doubt it [ it’s not the right avenue for my work: i am not skilled and i won’t have time to improve ] //

//how will text fit in the work? // I’m not sure // I am reading Ed Atkins’ books atm, to analyse how his writing fits/doesn’t fit with his videos and installations // maybe an artists book? // or maybe I hold on to the urge to write and push it into something else… //

// continue to look into Katrina Palmer // perhaps the work should shift to be site-based, with a focus on a local area? // it is hard to tell how big I want the work to go in conceptual scale // I have a desire to make something all encompassing, as much about everything as it is about nothing //

// push specifically the conceptual and theoretical understanding of the work // try your best, Sam, to not get tired of it and move onto something else // make this as developed and complete as possible // look into materiality // investigate sculptors who write // try not to avoid sculpture, try it again //

// I want to focus on making the work emotionally engaging to the viewer, upsetting and unnerving // how to do so without being cheap or narrative // do I want a narrative? // no no no // not this time //

// materially? // I need to be big sheets of polarising film, and attempt to print onto them // large format inkjet or screen // work out the ink type I want to use, what finish, if I want them backlit or hung, glimmering // displayed in the dark? // the viewer has to use their phone torch to see the work // impossible to take photographs of = impossible to capture for Instagram = real work not virtual work //

// otherwise resources I would require would be, largest TV possible or video wall // I don’t know how likely this is // I would also need a high powered PC to run the stones at the best possible resolution //

[jasmine-jules]

Slave to the Game(A Jack the Ripper Story): Chapter 4

Word Count: 4900+

Warnings: Graphic depiction of violence(the murder), Murder, Mild language, Implied rape

Here’s our master list for the next chapters, and if you want more!

~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve read plenty of crime novels in my youth, stealing moments at night to read The Murders in the Rue Morgue by Edgar Allen Poe, The Rector of Veilbye by Steen Steensen Blicher or A Study in Scarlet by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. The one thing that is never actually discussed in these books is how dull and painstakingly long the interrogation process is - person after person going through the police department giving us nothing more than extra paperwork. To only give the department some gray hairs and the need to pull all nighters at the morgue.

In addition to the long nights, there was one other thing that seemed to cause my accelerated aging. The police station had recently had an accident in their crime lab, making it unusable, so they elected our morgue to do assist in the investigations. This means my alone space is constantly violated by the same three policemen, and each of them having an air of disapproval surrounding them. That not only means I don’t have my space, but my space is being filled with bigoted men who don’t think women deserve to be in the workforce, especially those of a higher class like myself. Bigoted men who think they know my lab better than I do. Bigoted men who clearly don’t deserve to be in law enforcement because they are idiots who don’t know how anything works.

“Are you sure that goes there?” a voice said from behind me.

“I’m pretty sure I am doing this right.” I said coldly as I was pushed aside from my work table by Mr. Arnold James. I mean seriously, even his name sounds bigoted, “I have worked here for nearly 3 years now, and I was practically raised here as my father owned this facility before he passed.”

Having elected to ignore me, he pushed aside the evidence that I had been working on, and replaced it with almost an identical piece of evidence then proceeded to use the tool wrong. I threw my hands up in the air and walked out of the morgue in defeat.

“Miss Bellaus! I thought you’d be working!” Archer exclaimed as I walked into his office area, where he was filing the reports to send to the police department. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t trust him but I would rather be with someone who might be on the wrong side than those who <i>are</i> on the wrong side. Even if they are two completely unrelated topics.

“Can we kick them out. Please. Let them do things wrong at a different morgue. I cannot stand another moment of their bigoted...ness.” Archer chuckled at my comment.

“I wish, but if we don’t let them use our morgue then we will not be allowed to continue working on the Leather Apron murders and we really can’t have that happen.” I gave him an inquisitive look, “...with the murders being connected to your relationship with Jessamine? Now, how about you get back in there and show those bigots who’s the boss around here.” I grimaced at the thought but walked out of his office towards the morgue anyways. As I stepped down the stairs back to where the bigoted men resided, I couldn’t help but feel that something was off about that conversation.

“Oh, look! The little girl is back again.” Mr. Arnold James exclaimed and I nearly punched him in the nose right then and there.

“For one, my name is Miss Bellaus not little girl.” He looked indignant at the apparent disrespect I was showing him, but I barreled on, “Number two, you are doing that wrong. If you look at the piece of evidence I was examining and compare it with yours, you’ll see my subject will show quite a bit more of what you are looking for. Your subject, while it is bigger, it has less blood on it, while if you look at mine you can see a much larger amount of blood on it, allowing me to have an easier time of collecting the sample and twice as much evidence. Though that is not where your mistakes began. The first mistake was believing that everything I did was wrong and proceeding to re-do every experiment I had already completed only because I am a woman.”

Shock rose on their face and Mr. Arnold James looked ready to explode, his face turning more red than the crimson dress I was wearing, “Did you think I wouldn’t notice? I am quite a bit more observant than any of you pigs are,” I spat. “Which is why while you weren’t looking, I went back and replaced it with my specimen once again because you had even been using the microscope wrong while completing your experiment. I mean, how hard is it to use a microscope anyways??” I exclaimed.

I turned to the other two men in the room, having finished tearing Mr. James Arnold a new one. “Number three, you two have not been using gloves the entire process so there is a good chance that if I had used that evidence for a testimony in court it would be disbanded because we would’ve been accused of tampering with it. Now, if you would be so kind and start actually doing this right then maybe we'll get along or I am going to kick you out and have Mr. Clay report you to the chief of police for insubordination towards the head of the morgue.”

They didn’t bother me for the rest of the time they were there. I’m pretty sure they had asked Archer for my schedule of when I would and wouldn’t be there because I actually never saw them again. The only evidence that they hadn’t ran away completely was the crumbs of food left on the work tables. Which goes to show their incompetence once more.

Another highlight is that after my outburst whenever I walked into the police station to bring a report that Archer or I had filled, it’d get very quiet and the men would nearly jump out of my way to let me pass

That being quite a happy improvement, especially since Archer and I were present for many of the interrogations involved with the Leather Apron case. Although, all interrogations we were present for had quite similar results since most of them were only questioning the witnesses, not actually interrogating suspects. They all had the same thing to say about what they saw the night of the murders. The prostitute was seen entering her apartment with a young person, most likely a boy. The young boy wasn’t seen leaving the apartment but the next time someone went to find her, she was dead. Giving us absolutely nothing to go on. Then the police would find a lead from the thousands of letters sent into the police station, follow it, arrest someone and release the suspect within three hours because the police found they had a rock solid alibi.

Then came one letter. At first, it was just set aside as some person trying to rile up the police but then they sent it down to my lab for examination. They did this with every letter they got. They were trying to see if anything useful could come of it. Nothing ever did. They were all fakes and I could easily pull some fingerprints, which if the Leather Apron was as smart as we all thought, I wouldn’t be able to find any incriminating evidence. I also never read them, it would take up time that I really didn’t have. I don’t think the police read these letters either. Although, this letter was spotless. No fingerprints. No stains. Not even a spec of dirt that I could try to trace. Absolutely nothing. So I did read this letter.

Dear Boss,

I keep on hearing the police have caught me but they wont fix me just yet. I have laughed when they look so clever and talk about being on the right track. That joke about Leather Apron gave me real fits.

I am down on whores and I shant quit ripping them till I do get buckled. Grand work the last job was. I gave the lady no time to squeal. How can they catch me now. I love my work and want to start again. You will soon hear of me with my funny little games. I saved some of the proper red stuff in a ginger beer bottle over the last job to write with but it went thick like glue and I cant use it. Red ink is fit enough I hope

ha. ha.

The next job I do I shall clip the ladys ears off and send to the police officers just for jolly wouldn't you. Keep this letter back till I do a bit more work, then give it out straight.

My knife's so nice and sharp I want to get to work right away if I get a chance. Good Luck.

Yours truly

Jack the Ripper

Dont mind me giving the trade name

PS Wasnt good enough to post this before I got all the red ink off my hands curse it No luck yet. They say I'm a doctor now. ha ha

The letter slipped out of my hands and a thud echoed in the room as my back hit the wall. I clasped my hands against my mouth as a scream threatened to escape. It wasn’t even the fact that this letter was possibly the real thing but something about it felt familiar. But I had no idea what. My first instinct was to call out for Archer but if he was apart of this somehow then what would he do if I showed him this letter? Try to destroy it? If I left it here and he found it, would it disappear like that piece of cloth did? The letter did say to keep it until something else happened but should I even be listening to whoever wrote this letter? Was anything in this letter even valid? My train of thought was interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Hey Miss Bellaus, can you look over-” Archer’s voice abruptly stopped as his eyes fell upon me. He dropped the papers he had in his hands and rushed over to me. “What happened? Did something happen to Jessamine?” I shook my head.

“No. Nothing’s happened to Jessamine.”

“Well then what’s wrong?” he exclaimed.

“One of the letters the police sent to us just... caught me off-guard. It felt too real but I don’t think it’s gonna be anything to worry about.” I responded.

“You sure?” I nodded again. “Alright then.” Disbelief shone from his eyes but if I was truly in shock, I wouldn’t be in the best state of mind, right? “I just wanted you to look over a report I had written out for the police about the heart attack victim we had yesterday.” he said, changing the topic.

“Right. Sure.” I walked numbly over to the table where he had set the report. “What did you want me to look for?”

“Just double check I had everything right. It’s just been a hectic few weeks so I haven’t been completely focusing on wording.” I read over it and handed it to him.

“That seems fine.”

“Right. Thank you Miss Bellaus.” and after a few seconds, “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yes I’m absolutely fine.” I said sharply, “I’m just going to finish up testing a couple more letters before I head out.”

“Okay. See you tomorrow.” I nodded as he walked away. He paused and turned his head, “You know you can always talk to me. Right?” I smiled at him tersely. I took a deep breath and released it when he finally disappeared through the door. I don’t think our conversations have ever been like this. Even when we first met, our conversations flowed without any weirdness about it. I felt my shoulders slump with frustration. I really do hope he has nothing to do with the Leather Apron, or I guess Jack the Ripper now, because then once this is all over we can go back to how everything was before. Which would be nice. I sighed once again and walked back over to where I had dropped the letter. I slipped on some gloves - no point in contaminating it even more right? - and started looking it over again.

I wasn’t exactly lying when I told Archer I would be going over letters before I left. It just wouldn’t be letters, only one. I examined it and began writing down every little thing about it, the color of the ink, the material of the paper the letter was written on, the possible utensils used, really anything that could give me a lead on who wrote this. By the time I had finished, nothing stayed undocumented. That just left me with one thing. What to do with the report and letter. Logically, I should leave it here and file it away because that’s what would have done before all of this but every warning bell goes off in my head when I think that because if Archer is involved, then leaving this for him to find would possibly be catastrophic. So if I didn’t leave it here, where would I put it? My house? Where any of my servants or mom could find it? I do have a locked drawer where I keep all of my work related stuff, but that doesn’t mean someone could still get in. Though my room is the only place Archer wouldn’t go because even a serial killer has to follow proper manners in this era. My eyes flickered over the letter as I pondered what to do.

“I’ll bring it home with me.” I decided aloud. I slipped the letter and report into my handbag and made my way to the door. The carriage ride passed with little incident and by the time I got home it was almost dusk. I had decided to stop at a little sweet shop, I felt deserved something tasty.

“Good Evening Miss Bellaus, are you up for some dinner?” One of my maids, Elizabeth asked. I smiled sweetly as her,

“That would be amazing. Thank you Elizabeth.” She smiled at me and I walked to my room. I took the key that hung behind my dresses and opened up my drawer, sliding the letter and report in. Now I guess I just wait.

~~~~

September 30th

I shuffled my legs beneath the covers before rolling onto my back. Sharp pain ran through my body and I shot up into a sitting position. I cursed under my breath as I twisted my arm around to my back and ran my fingers across. A hiss of pain escaped my lips as my fingers ran across already scabbing scrapes. What the hell. I rolled out of bed, stumbling as I hit the ground. I stripped off my nightgown and twisted to look at the scrapes on my back. I stared in horror at the reflection. Calling them scrapes was an understatement. They were more like gashes running in long streaks across my back. They resembled the kind of marks that were left on Jessamine’s back after one of the nights we had spent together, only a more extreme version. They were deep and they were colored a dark red, implying that whoever had given them me was in extreme pain...or in immense pleasure. I paused at the thought, <i>What happened to me last night. And why can I not remember.</i> I broke out of my train of thought as I heard footsteps approaching the door.

“Miss Bellaus? Do you need any help? I heard crashing.” One of my maids, Grace, asked through the door. I closed my eyes in annoyance. She must’ve heard me getting out of bed.

“I’m fine, Grace. Thank you.” It was a few seconds before I heard her footsteps leading away from the door and I let out a breath. My breath was sucked back in as an idea came to me. I rushed to the door and ran to catch up to Grace, not caring if the door slammed.

“Actually, Grace!” I reached her side, “I do have one question.” She dipped her head, allowing me to continue, “Do you know when I left the house last night and about what time I got back? If so, do you know where I was headed?”

“You only left the house for a short while, Miss, then you came straight back with a friend. But don’t worry, I won’t tell your mother.” she said with a small smile.

“No, no. I don’t worry about that. I can’t remember,” I spoke in a small whisper, my fear getting the better of me.

“I don’t understand, Miss. You don’t remember a single thing from last night?” I shook my head and I felt panic sweeping across me. Why don’t I remember anything? I have three gashes on my back. Surely I would have to remember getting those.

“Did I leave the house after I came back with the friend?” I asked, trying to get a better picture of what might’ve happened. Grace nodded,

“About two hours later when I was tending to the fireplace, you and your friend snuck out. I assumed you were going out to a pub or something. I don’t think you saw me. Then as I was heading to bed just a little after one in the morning, you came back to the house. I couldn’t see much as the lamps were all out, but you were staggering like you had been hurt. I went to bed shortly after that; I wouldn’t know if you snuck out again after that.”

My heart plummeted. I went out twice last night maybe more. Both of which I had a friend with me. Both of which I couldn’t remember a single second of. Grace seems to think that the friend I had with me was… but I would never cheat on Jessamine. At least… I had thought I wouldn’t.

“Thank you Grace. That’s all for now.” I said, dismissing her. She looked reluctant to leave me alone but she walked away after a few seconds. How do I not remember any of it? It was obviously a rough night, with the deep gashes on my back and my staggering in last night. My hands involuntarily gripped my head, pulling harshly at my hair. Why don’t I remember it. I <i>should</i> remember it.

Memory flashes took over my thoughts in a second. Days where I could remember waking up but don’t remember actually falling asleep. Moments halfway through the day where I lost hours of time, moments where I thought I just had gotten lost in thought or in whatever I was doing. Moments where I was in the middle of making dinner but the next thing I remember was getting ready to go to bed. Full nights missing and if I thought hard enough I would be able to line them up perfectly with the last two murders.

I let out a strangled cry. What the hell is happening to me. Filled with panic, I fumbled through my closet for something that I could get on easily. I tore off one of my dresses off the hook and put it on. I fumbled with my brush on the desk and the letter from Jack the Ripper floated to the ground. With shaking hands I lifted it up and suddenly I knew why it felt so familiar. I shook my head in panic. No No No No No. It can’t be. My hands blundered on my desk as I looked for something with Archer’s handwriting. With trembling hands I compared them.

They didn’t match.

I gasped in relief, my eyes filling with unshed tears. But why does this letter still spark recognition? There is no reason I should still feel this way towards the letter. I felt my chest start to constrict as I felt the now familiar symptoms of panic start to settle in.

In the throes of my panic, I shoved my feet into a pair of shoes, not even caring if it looked presentable and rushed out of my room. I almost crashed into Grace but I rushed past her, ignoring her cries of worry. I let my instinct lead me and I honestly had no idea where I was going, but the path I took felt eerily familiar. Only I did not remember ever going down this street. But that’s the problem, is it not? I can’t remember. How many days or nights have gone by that I don’t remember.

The scene that I came upon was swarming with policemen. I pushed my way through into the scene of the crime, bile rose in my throat and I could not push it down this time. I reached a wastebasket just in time as I retched. Her ears were missing. Just as the letter from Jack the Ripper said.

“Miss, you can’t be in here.” A policeman said with worry. I shook my head.

“I’m with the police department, head of the Morgue involved with the Jack the Ripper case.”

“Jack the Ripper, eh? Fancy new name you got there.” he replied cockily.

“It works better.” I whispered as I walked back over to the body. “What’s her name?”

“Catherine Eddowes.” I nodded and surveyed the body. From first glance her face had been mutilated, her throat severed, and a giant jagged wound in her abdomen. As I stepped closer I could tell that her kidneys and uterus had been removed, just like the last victims. Only in Eddowes case, the mutilations to her body were way worse than the others. Just like the last victims, I knew she would look similar the Jessamine even though I couldn’t actually see her features anymore. “We actually found a first body, just a few blocks from here. Although we don’t know if it is is connected to, what is it..Jack the Ripper?”

“Two murders?” I choked out in horror. The policeman nodded,

“The only thing we don’t know is if she is connected. Only her throat had been slashed. No wound in the abdomen, like the previous two and Eddowes.”

“Do you have a picture?” I asked, my voice a little stronger now.

“Of course.” He called over to a man with a camera and the man walked over. “I need the picture from Elizabeth Stride’s crime scene.”

“Did you just say...Elizabeth Stride?” I blurted out. The policeman sent an inquisitive look to me,

“Yes, why? Do you know her?” The man with the camera pulled a picture out of Elizabeth Stride.

“She is...was one of my maids. She’s usually the one that checks on me in mornings so that the kitchen maids can start with breakfast if I am up but...it was a different maid this morning. I mean I would normally notice if one of my maids are missing but...I wasn’t in the best mindset this morning.”

“That’s a start. We’ll need you to come in at some point for some questioning. You aren’t in trouble, but we need to know everything about Miss Stride. Do you know anything about Miss Eddowes here?” I shook my head reluctantly,

“Only that she looks like one of my friends Jessamine, as have the other two but I have already told the police this.”

“Thank you for all your help.”

“Much obliged. I will send in a report of Eddowes later today, same with Stride.”

“Thank you. I will call a carriage for you to head over to the crime scene.”

“I will not need one. I need to go somewhere first before I go see Miss Stride.” I walked out of the room as proudly as I could but the moment I got out of view from the scene I broke into a run with a destination in mind.

Robert James Lees. The clairvoyant Archer and I had run into almost three weeks ago, after we went to the first Whitechapel Vigilance meeting. I got to the edge of his street and paused. Do I really want to do this? Sink this low? I took a deep breath and walked the rest of the way there. I only hesitated briefly before knocking on the door. I saw a quick flash of someone looking into the peephole before it disappeared again.

“Miss Bellaus. I’m surprised to see you here.” he said, opening the door just enough so his face could look out. He was obviously opposed to letting me in.

“I need your help. I’m...forgetting things. Huge blocks of time.” I could still sense hesitancy, and I shared much further than I wanted to, “Time missing over the nights of the Jack the Ripper murders.” His eyes widened at the last phrase.

“Come on in.” He opened the door wider to let me in and as I walked through I felt a sense of finality as the door clicked shut behind me.

“I was hoping you would be able...maybe bring back up past memories or something. Or I don’t know, talk to the victims….I just need to do something.”

“Follow me.” he told me, leading me in his sitting room. “Now you need to know something Miss Bellaus, I cannot actually bring back memories for you. That is something you need to figure out how to do yourself. The one thing I can do is give you some insight for why you are having these blackouts.” He gestured for me to sit down, and as I did he walked over to a cabinet, opened it and pulled out a letter. “This is something I received from your father. Shortly before his passing.” He held it out to me and tears welled up in my eyes as I recognized my father’s handwriting.

Dear Mr. Lees,

I am sending this letter in hopes that you will be able to someday help my daughter understand. I know she will come into contact with what I am to share with you, and I wish you will share this when she asks about certain things.

There is a drug. Commonly known as the Devil's Breath but she will know it as Scopolamine.

I let out a sobbed breath as I read the last line. Scopolamine is a drug that if used correctly, can quite literally take the free will of any victim but if used another way, would be seriously addictive.

I became addicted to it after an unfortunate accident with the chemical. I never realized the effects until later. Major blackouts. Periods where I would make dinner and not remember eating it. Going to bed but not remember waking up. I don’t know what I did in the duration where I was on this drug.

I eventually rid myself of this illness but I never truly recovered. I still had frequent blackouts even after I stopped taking the drug and I began to notice not only my memory was affected, my physical health began to decline as well. I guess that is why I am on my deathbed now.

My daughter did come in contact with it once, but I quickly steered her away from it but even once can be the downfall of anyone.

One reason I am writing this letter is someone who had become like a son to me had taken an interest. One of my students wanted to do a research paper on it, I tried steering him away from it as well but once he had his mind set on something, he never let it go. I took this student under my wing in hopes of putting this mind of his to something useful, maybe one day taking over my morgue and in league with my daughter, I knew they could do anything if they had each other. Though every once in awhile I would find him back at his old reports with one of those wretched white flowers in front of him scribbling away and I knew I didn’t try hard enough. I only hope he doesn’t go any further with his research. Clay really did achieve anything he put his mind to.

I gasped at the revelation. Clay. Like Archer Clay. But a wave of doubt ran through me, Archer had never mentioned he knew my father, let alone having had him as a mentor or father figure. It couldn’t possibly be my Clay.

I wrote this letter with a second reason. To warn my daughter of the possibility Clay never stopped his research.

Don’t show her this, or let her know this letter even exists if she never asks. But if she comes to you with worries of blackouts, please show her this. I just want her to be safe.

Sincerely,

Thaddeus Bellaus

P.S. I love you my dear Dinah Fae. Always live with love in your heart.

“Thank you for showing me this, Lees.” I told James with a sob, clutching the letter tightly against my chest, holding onto one of the last things my father made.

“Oh my dear. I wish you had never shown up on my doorstep and I wish I never had to give you that letter.” he murmured.

“Me too.” I whispered.

“Now be on your way. I’ve done all that your father wished me too. I hope you find your way in this mess.” he replied. I smiled sadly at him and dipped my head to him before walking out the door with the letter held tightly in my hand. I have some work to do.

[khadeza-s]

Finally, my most requested post is live! I didn't want to release it until I was completely happy with all the products I was using so I could comfortably recommend them to you all. This will be a lengthy post but I’ve included lots of images so you don't get too bored just reading. Grab yourself some snacks as you might be here awhile!

Please bear in mind that everyones skin is different, something that works well for me, may not work well for you. You have to experiment with different products to find the right one for YOUR skin. Anything I refer to is specific to my experience and my skin. All products are linked - just click on the product names :).

Feel free to ask me any questions regarding products or anything else! Enjoy ♥.

DAYTIME SKINCARE ROUTINE

All of the above products are part of my current morning skincare routine, I rotate them around every other week but I like to remain quite consistent with certain products to give my skin time to get use to them. It also allows the product to be effective. I find changing products around too often can make skin worse and you’re less likely to learn what suits your skin type. If you don't have a skincare routine and you're looking for one, I highly recommend trying one or two products at a time (one cleanser, one exfoliator, one toner etc). This way you're more likely to find one that suits you, and if something is causing you to breakout it’ll be SO much easier to notice which product it was and stop using it.

A “typical” morning skincare routine may consist of: Cleanser Exfoliator Toner Eye Cream Serum/Oil Moisturiser SPF

You dont HAVE to follow this routine, everyone has their own style of routine and some people may feel this is too much or like me you may not have time for all of this everyday!

CLEANSERS

NIP+FAB - Glycolic Cleansing Fix

I LOVE the NIP+FAB products so much and I’ve written a whole post on them here. I use this cleanser for those mornings when I still have traces of makeup on my face or when I have more time go through skincare steps (weekends mostly or my days off). This also helps fade away blemishes and really cleans the face well.

GARNIER - Pure Active 3 in 1

This product was purchased purely on recommendation (@mary.s.khan)! Maryam has the most beautiful skin and she said she had been using this for years. I was quite skeptical as I’m not keen on 3in1 products as I find they don't work well in all that they claim however this has surprised me and I find its so convenient for those morning where my skin needs that extra step that I just don't have time for! This is a wash, scrub and mask! Pretty impressive, huh! The only thing that I dislike about this is the smell, its not terrible but its not appealing either. It works really well and leaves skin feeling super soft and refreshed.

EXFOLIATORS

Clean&Clear - Skin Brightening Daily Facial Scrub

I have been using this product for the longest time! I always take a break from it after about 6 months of continuous use and then return to using it again. The reason I do this is because I feel if you use a product for too long it just stops being as effective as your skin gets use to it. Its such a gentle scrub so for me its more like a face wash than a scrub/exfoliator which is why its perfect for everyday use. I honestly don't have much time in the morning to complete a longggg skincare routine but I use this as much as I can and it makes me feel super awake and refreshed. I noticed it really did brighten my face over time, blemishes faded away and my skin looked so much more clear. The is one of my all time favourites and its so affordable. I will do a separate review on this if you’d like me to, let me know!

NIP+FAB - Glycolic Fix Daily Cleansing Pads

These are great, especially if you're on the go or don't have much time in the morning. I usually use these after cleansing my face with the clean and clear mentioned above. Then while getting dressed or rushing around I use one of these cleansing pads! It will gently exfoliate your skin and contains glycolic acid which is great for those of you with pigmentation, uneven skin tone or acne prone skin.

TONER

La Roche-Posay - Serozinc

Ive been wanting to try a new toner for ages and I saw this used by a lot of bloggers and mentioned on Instagram stories too. But then I saw it on Kaushal’s Insta live (@kaushalbeauty) and she spoke about how amazing it is. I HAD to purchase it, she is one of the sweetest most beautiful bloggers/youtubers, literally my favourite. Im so glad I got this, it sprays on perfectly with a generous amount but not drowning my face. It also dries really quickly too so you don't have to wait ages before applying the next product. Another lovely instagrammer (@zbeauty158) mentioned how she had gone through several bottles and had purchased backups after trying this because she loved it so much! Ive been using this for weeks now and would highly recommend this! OR empty rose water into a spray bottle to use as a toner!

EYECREAM

The Soapery - Organic, Unrefined, Raw Shea Butter

So since Sophia (@phosbeauty) mentioned Shea butter I had been thinking of purchasing it. She did a whole Instagram story on it! And I'm pretty sure most people that follow her purchased this! She can convince you to buy anything. Obviously I had to purchase this..I have been also been using Shea Butter as an eye cream since Rehma (@rehmabeauty) mentioned it! Go check out her Instagram and her blog too where she mentions using Shea butter! It doesn't smell very nice as its raw :( it did put me off however I use the smallest amount for my under eyes as its SO moisturising. My concealer glides on like a dream after applying this first! It melts so easily as soon as you work it into your skin. If you have any small sample pots or old eye cream pots you can use these to fill up with shea butter like I have here!

MOISTURISERS

Lacura - Caviar Illumination Day Cream

I have a separate post on this moisturiser here, but I have been using this for months now and absolutely love it! So many of you purchased this after I recommended it on my Insta, I hope you all love the cream as much as I do!

Charlotte Tilbury - Charlottes Magic Cream

I have so many of these as my bestie works at CT and theyre honestly briliant. I do feel the full size pots are very over priced but you are getting what youre paying for. HOWEVER, there are just as great products in stores that cost way less. Lacura for example, is very luxurious without the hefty price tag and works just as well!

SPF

GARNIER - Ambre Solaire Face and Body Lotion

Im not going to lie, im really bad with SPF! I know you skincare addicts are probably thinking OMG WHAT and you most likely want to tell me off! BUT i know, and its SO SO important to wear SPF. ESPECIALLY if you're using acids in your skincare routine but you should be wearing SPF regardless! I get really lazy and think if my moisturiser and foundation have SPF i can skip this step (oops). When I DO wear SPF I change them around, I have one from no7 and a few from other brands. This is the one Im currently using from Garnier. It sits really nicely on the skin and makeup applies well on top too without it looking a weird colour.

B. Confident - Hyaluronic Acid Spritz

Ive been spraying this on my face before makeup and some days after makeup. I havent been using this religiously everyday as I was a little wary at first in case it broke me out! I have very sensitive skin but so far it has been OK. It is a little drying for the skin if used a lot but for the girls with oily skin this is great for you! The girls with dry skin, I wouldn't recommend this for you at all. It really does make your highlighter pop when sprayed on top! However I think I prefer the NYX setting sprays.

You’ll notice I haven't included a serum for my morning skincare, I honestly just don’t have time on a normal day to day basis as I’m ALWAYS in a rush! When I have time I use the serum which is included in my nighttime skincare routine below.

NIGHTTIME SKINCARE ROUTINE

I spend more time on my skincare routine at night as Im not in a rush like I am in the mornings! Cleansing your skin at night is very important. Your skin will repair overnight whilst youre sleeping so these steps are JUST as important as your morning skincare. Everyones nighttime routine differs but mine typically consists of:

Cleanser (pre cleanse/cleanse) Exfoliator (acid) Toner Eye Cream Serum Moisturiser/Oil

CLEANSERS

Pre-Cleanse

Garnier - Micellar Water (Oil-infused Cleansing Water)

Micellar water is great for removing makeup, especially eye makeup. Eyeliner can be very stubborn and I find this works perfectly using cotton pads. I remove my eye makeup first and then the rest of my makeup on my face too. I then go in with wipes.

Simple - Cleansing Wipes

These are amazing! They are slightly more expensive then your standard wipes but my skin absolutely loves these. I use one wipe all over my face after micellar water and this removes any makeup I may have missed. These wipes are also great if you have breakouts. Simple is such a great brand for sensitive skin!

Cleanse

Lush - Ultraband Facial Cleanser

You definitely need to be double cleansing if you have been wearing SPF and makeup all day. Just micellar water/wipes aren't enough and once you start double cleansing you'll notice why! I love Lush products and this cleanser has been amazing. It leaves my skin baby soft and so moisturised. Sometimes I don't want to apply anything on my face after using this as it feels so so soft! This product is so creamy and melts into the skin, after applying it all over my face I wipe away the cleanser with a damp face cloth. Ill be writing a separate review on this cleanser! Let me know if you've tried this.

EXFOLIATOR

NIP+FAB - Glycolic Fix Daily Cleansing Pads

I use these pads twice a week maximum as they're VERY strong. But I feel like they're really effective for my skin. Full post on this here.

TONER

Ayumi - Rose Facial Toner enriched with Glycerin

You can get this without the glycerin in too as just rose water which is great as a toner aswell. I have been using this for quite some time and I love how it leaves my skin feeling so plump and moisturised. The glycerin works as a humectant which is why it attracts more moisture onto the skin. So if you have dry skin this is great for you. Its also great for acne, wrinkles and fine lines.

EYECREAM

The Soapery - Organic, Unrefined, Raw Shea Butter

Same as my morning skincare routine, I also use this at night! LOVE Shea Butter ♥.

SERUM

NIP+FAB - Dragons Blood Fix Plumping Serum

One of my favourite serums, it will leave your skin feeling so plump! Review here.

MOISTURISER

Lacura - Caviar Illumination Night Cream

You can read my thoughts on this here. I am still loving this cream, its nearly finished now :(.

OILS

Ayumi - Almond Oil & Castor Oil

For the days my skin feels really dry or the days when I've had heavy makeup on from a photoshoot, I drench my skin in almond oil! And OMG, it feels and looks amazingggg in the morning. Try it, you'll love it! I also use castor oil at night on my eyebrows and eyelashes to help them grow and I've seen a big difference. You have to be patient! I made my brows way too thin once and used castor oil every night and they grew back so much quicker than I expected! I don't feel like it helps with thickness but it definitely helped with length. Almond oil is also great for your under eyes if you suffer from dark circles, but again, you need PATIENCE. It won't happen over night.

Hope you all enjoyed reading about my skincare routines! I was going to add the masks I have been using but its already so lengthy so that will have to be a separate post!

For everyone that managed to get this far, THANK YOU for reading ♥.