#also i THINK im a little hairier but its hard to tell if its for real or if its copium

[munch-mumbles]

OFFICIALLY DONE WITH MY FIRST BOTTLE OF T GEL YIPPEE

[flockofdoves]

bc of it being one of the places where my HS is my mom has unprompted been telling me i need to make sure to get a breast reduction before i go off her insurance in a couple years

and thats kinda wild to hear from her considering how weird shes been in the past about me saying i wanted top surgery for trans related reasons. and soooo weird to think about like. is that even crossing her mind mind rn or does she just think that all went away with time for me now that i dont bother correcting when she misgenders me anymore (its weird bc i use feminine terms and she pronouns in other contexts nowadays but in no context where she is aware of that and really because of how frustrating all that has been with family i want them to just use they pronouns and neutral terms for me but simultaneous to that sort of contrarian desire i just dont have the energy to correct them ever)

but like i cant complain. i think i could even get legit top surgery and not just a reduction out of it and doing it with her insurance and sdditional financial support makes it soooooooo much more feasible than it could ever be otherwise

but god also thats such a short time frame. and like ive been actively wanting it for almost 15 years anf i guess no time is ever going to be ideal if any change even good always feels overwhelming but theres just already so much i really need to handle over the next couple years.

and theres also the other thing of that while i know it could never be a long term thing for me because of the balance of what i need from transition and how my health problems work that would be even fuethwr exacerbated by it, i always thought i could look cool with my chest as it is now but hairier and i would love to be able to have at least a brief period in my life where i could experience that together. but that would mean startinf T like . Right Now. and while i think id like to at least do that a little bit throughout my life, if i struggle with being overwhelmed with change, the unpredictability of hormones on top of another change maybe is a bit too much for me rn. like im fine with any of the common effects of it even that arent part of my goal but things like how hormonal shifts can effect emotions and sex drive and stuff is still just a lot to have to figure out and manage on top of an already busy year. and even stuff i want like a deeper voice or fuller mustache ive always wanted to do phonetic experiments throughout transition and i just objectively will not have time for that this year. and if i want to have well groomed facial hair thats another thing to have to fit into my daily routine in the middle of whats to be the most packed year of my life so far. so that basically means for me that the only reasonable solution is to get top surgery in the next year and wait for hormones later but its just kinda sad to me i cant have it all

i really wish i lived in a world where i could reliably have better healthcare into the futurw and where i wouldnt have to be pushing myself as hard as ill need to the next couple years wirh school and job stuff. and fuck it i really wish i could shapeshift while im at it lol

[incognitomiamigo]

Impostor syndrome while transitioning?

So I haven't provided a REAL life update since starting Testosterone. My journey began June 8th and I am writing this November 7th 2017.

I always passed pretty well but within the last two months I have began passing a lot more. Before, patients(I work in a hospital) would still mostly call me she/her pronouns but now i am consistently passing and its interesting because I find myself outing myself on accident in the sense I tell past stories where I am still female to my patients because I'm still not registering that I am completley passing now. Before when my co workers misgendered me on accident it didn't matter because my patients thought I was female anyways but now its more of a problem because again most think im male without second thought. It's also interesting because I grew up being socialized as female and when I came out as transgender I was treated as a transgender as in "I know you identify as male but you're still technically female so whatever" I don't know if I am describing it right but there IS a difference being treated as a cis male vs. Transman and so now I find myself in plenty of situations where I am treated as a cis male and it throws me off a hell of a lot. In return I think its triggering dysphoria because I want to so badly just be a cis man at times and it is so hard to always embrace my trans identity.

Evidence A: I was watching a patient on a different floor and he took his dick out while I was sitting there to do something and I was fine with it but he only did it because he thought I was a dude and another doc came in talking about dick issues and was like right man? Talking to me and I DON'T HAVE A DICK so I felt so fucked up from that because the more I pass the more I want to be.

Evidence B: I was always the fat kid. Like ALWAYS and since starting T I have gained weight. Mostly good but to me in my head no weight gain is genuinley good weight gain. Again I think this has to do with female weight standards being ingrained in me versus male. Anyways I know I'm not fat but the changes I have had have messed with my head.

The reason I use the term "impostor syndrome" is because damn its so stressful for me to go to male only places I feel like a fraud and fake and I get so frazzled because I don't know the first thing about navigating a male world or place and its overwhelming because im just afraid to be outed. And i know it's a transitional phase but it's a lot and wanting to be cis is draining.

So aside from the emotional aspect of transitoning I feel like not a ton of physical things have changed. I feel calmer and Its hard for me to cry. My thighs are hairier and my hour glass shape is becoming less intense. I have a little Stache I want more!!! I'm definitley growing facial hair like I literally didn't even realize how much until I shaved my face and people made comments about it. I was like damn is it that noticeable? I haven't been working out but am forcing myself to prioritize because body issues. I need to change my name and a consult should occur for me soon for top surgery. Also I have had some growth downstairs and thats been nice. I am thinking to post progress pics soon. I honestly don't think my voice has changed a ton.

Sexual identity changes??? YES. I am in a commited relationship however after several conversations my partner allowed me to sort of venture out with males and yeah it turns out I don't mind them. I definitley would use the term queer and I could get into a whole rant about it but yeah.

So overall its been a lot of internal changes with subtle external changes. However my mantra amongst this whole change is "be kind to yourself." Cliche yes, important to me. Yes.