#also how tf am i supposed to ''go back to normal''. i still feel stuck in early 2020.

[jinglejanglemornings]

real life is so scary. i miss being sixteen and being in the hospital being brought horrible mac and cheese every night and being woken up for vitals at 2 am and looking at the parking lot from the window and getting wheeled around the floor by the nurses and i miss adolescent residential and playing card games on the floor and lukewarm vanilla ensure in giant plastic cups and graham crackers and chocolate milk and three weekly therapy sessions and always having someone to sit with me when i was panicking and being suicidal but actually meaning it and feeling so held and feeling so insanely sad and listening to marianas trench and i feel like i'm supposed to be happier now because i'm not actively dying of an eating disorder and no one is forcing me into treatment but i feel so much worse because at least then i didn't have to think about the future and i didn't have to care about anything and i had something i was good at that was actually worth it to me and i don't think i should have been told that recovery was worth it because this is not the world that i wanted to recover into and everyone talks about recovery (tm) like it's some big bright sunshine rainbows magical fairy land where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts but the reality is that's a more accurate depiction of how adolescent res felt and having a severe restrictive eating disorder felt like a safety net and a best friend and a purpose and an identity and recovery just feels like loss, loss, grief, missing a part of myself, a huge gaping hole in my life, loss, loss, loss, unimaginable loss.

[heyitsyn]

Manager!Seijoh Part 2

a/n: lmao this is kinda weird for me but i think this was an interesting request so lets try it!

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

lowkey kyotani kentaro typa beat but you gotta squint (??)

also warning! angst!

anon request: Hii! I just read the seijoh manager headcannon you wrote, it made me cry so much, i love those seijoh boys so much, and you are such an amazing writer! I dont know if requests are open or not but i was wondering what would happen if the boys ever find out what happened to reader cha? If requests aren’t open or if you just don’t want to write about it, I completely understand! Thank you for your wonderful writing again! Stay safe!

the stageplay was *chefs kiss* like MY MANS IWA WAS SERVING LOOKSSSS

soooooo

this might get really angsty idk so just a warning in advance

anyways

i mentioned in the earlier part that no one really knew what happened to you

so this one is when they DO find out what happened and what theyre gonna do about it

so first off, kyoken was basically the only one who saw you that day and saw how badly you looked

the thing is, at that current moment, he didnt really know the reason why and what happened

he had theories that you got jumped or you just got into an accident 

but he was prettttttyyyy sure you got beat up

so you went home and rushed to yanno, take a shower and get your wound treated and cleaned so that it would heal bc you really cannot afford to let the boys see that

they would think of the worst at the smallest sight of blood on you and you really didnt want to deal w that chaos at the moment

you cant let them get suspended from school since they were going to interhigh soon and you cant let oikawa and the boys ruin their reputations just for you

a first year girl theyve just met

it was kinda hard to rinse all of the milk from your hair but you were able to at least get the smell out and clean up your mess

then you looked in the mirror and saw faint handprints around your throat from that girl miyo and you cringed as you touched it

‘jesus christ, seriously what does she eat? bricks?’

after your clothes were in the wash, you went to bed to get homework done and also looking up how to use the concealer to hide your bruises 

you didnt really own any makeup but your mom has some so you could just use that

during dinner, you wore a turtleneck to prevent any suspicion from happening but you couldnt really hide the big gash on your face

‘y/n, what happened!’

‘i was dumb and accidentally fell up the stairs’

your parents shared a chuckle bc theyve actually seen you do this before so it was easy to believe the lie

‘darling, do we need to get you glasses? it seems your sight has worsened’

‘haha’

you went along with the joke but you weren’t eating and just pushed your food around

‘y/n? is the food not good?’

your mother asked but you shook your head with a convincing smile

‘its good! i just had some meat buns with the team earlier and i ate a lot so im still full’

you cursed at yourself for making it sound so rehearsed but you were relieved when your mother nodded

the next morning, you were satisfied with the reduced puffing of your face and you snuck into your parents bathroom where her makeup bag would be

as you held up the concealer, you started getting anxious because this was not the same shade as your skin and it would definitely raise suspicion if you had a different color on your neck than the rest of your body

you already planned to blame your wound as acne that you accidentally scratched but what were you going to do with the handprints?

the website you read said that it would take at least a day for them to fade

so you decided youd just wear a scarf and pretend you were cold

kunimi was confused as to why you had a scarf bundled around your neck and his eyes even widened at the sight of the bandaid on your face

‘y/n! what-!’

he shot up from his seat and your eyes widened before hissing at him to sit down

‘what happened to you?!’

he worriedly asked but you waved him off with a small smile

‘acne. this was the only available bandaid in my house so i had to work with this’

kunimi might be a lazy little shit but he was observant

and he noticed the way you said that sentence

it was like a robot

like a robot programmed to say what was written on its script

but before he could press on further, you already pointed out that the teacher was coming in and to hush so you could listen

the entire time, kunimi was awake alright, but he was too busy looking at you and a bright red thing that poked from the edge of your bandaid

kindaichi went to your classroom for lunch and you had to repeat your excuse for him but he pointed at another thing

‘why are you wearing a scarf? its like burning in here’

you didnt look at him as you just opened your bento

‘being in your period causes your temperature to fluctuate and cause unexplainable chill at even the hottest places’

okay what

they both shared a look and just shrugged, blaming it on your time of the month for the way you spoke with no emotion in your tone

this had to be the longest school day of your life

the whole time the scarf remained on and kunimi cant help but notice your flinches at the smallest of sounds

finally practice arrived and you really thought you could pull this off until oikawa barreled straight towards you and hugged you tightly

‘y/n-chan! you okay?! oikawa-senpai was so worried for you!’ 

you cringed but nodded

‘im okay, oikawa-san’

‘senpai, y/n-chan! call me senpai!’

‘im not going to feed into your kink, oikawa-san’

*cue everyone busting a lung*

‘y/n, what’s the-’

‘acne. only bandaid available in my house’

eventually, everything was fine

you were still cracking jokes w the others and you were still laughing w them so kunimi and kindaichi were at ease

but that shattered when oikawa was being oikawa and was being all touchy and bothering you about the scarf around your neck that he ended up pulling it off and he saw the marks

he was silent, just staring at them

ofc you were freaking out and you started breathing heavily

oh god he found out and he was going to hurt them

‘o-oikawa-senpai, listen, it’s not what it-’

‘y/n’

his voice made your eyes shut in fear and the others crowded around you and they all had scandalized looks on their faces

‘is this why you werent in practice yesterday?’

his voice was sharp, a complete opposite to his normally cheerful tone

you shivered and sighed

‘senpai, please dont-’

‘who is it?’

the other third years shared a look bc they were truly shook at oiks voice

‘w-why should i tell you?! its none-’

‘i am your captain and i deserve to know who is pulling you away from your managerial duties so he could just give you these damn hickeys!’

the gym turned silent

you stopped then furrowed your eyebrows

‘hickey? what-’

‘dont act like you dont know, y/n. so just be honest and tell me who’s your boyfriend’

lmao i shouldnt laugh bc this was supposed to be sad but im cackling at how dumb oikawa really is sometimes

‘i-i,,,,’

you stuttered but you knew this was the perfect opportunity

you could just blame it on this ridiculous misunderstanding 

its a difficult hole to get out of but it would be easier than the other

so you pretended to be flustered and turned around to hide your face

‘it was a one-time thing, oikawa-san. i promise it wont happen again’

HELLO WHAT

the team was leaking the feeling of RAGE

how dare someone take their manager!

she was theirs!

and it doesnt help that every player might have a little thing for you

is this really turning into a harem

oikawa kept demanding answers but iwa hit him enough to quit and they finally went back to practicing but they were still distracted

every time they looked at you, they would grow flustered and red and end up missing a block or a serve

they just cant see their baby manager like that

you noticed it quickly and irritably got on them

‘stop staring at my neck and get back to practice!’

they flinched and saluted at you

lmao this little first year girl is able to control nearly a dozen <5′10 men who are all older than her

but you were glad that they finally stopped asking about it

this was going to go by smoothly and you were going to be okay

however,,,

several days later,,,

this is an angst fanfiction so i will bring thy angst

you were taking out your class garbage since it was your group’s turn in cleaning the classroom when you were grabbed by the arm on your way back

it was still outside and after school so it wouldve been an unlikely situation that someone would help you

it was that biatch miyo again and her 2 minions behind her

then you recognized one girl from the track team who was actually a year older than you but you saw her dropping off some files in the office

if you tried to run, she could easily grab you w her fast legs

great

you were stuck

you let out a tired sigh and crossed your arms on your chest

‘what is it you want from me, again?’

she smirked

‘you really dont know how to listen, do you? i told you to stay away from oikawa but youre still flaunting around with him!’

is she serious?

this girl was borderline stalker/yandere type of girl

you gave her an incredulous look and frowned

‘girl, do you hear yourself? you damn crazy and im leaving’

but she grabbed you back and shoved you against the wall

but this time, you kicked her on the chest to make her fall on her flat booty

surprise was written on their faces and you stretched your arms in front of you to symbolize distance

‘one more step and ill beat tf out of you. i just got my nails off so id watch it if i were you’

miyo huffed and stood up, brushing herself, glaring at one of the girls who tried to help her

then she remembered what you told her

‘hmm? if you hit me, you could be kicked off of the team since you hurt another student. so, go ahead, little kouhai’

she was right

even if it was self-defense, the school’s disciplinary section sucked and just suspended or kicked off people left and right even though they didnt do anything wrong

you were stumped

you were here on a scholarship, not on tuition

your mom would KILL you if she found out you got into a fight and got a record

but you didnt show that and kept your tough facade

‘dont challenge me. i could be a crazy bitch and i dont think youd like your little face being all messed up. so watch your mouth and leave me alone’

you turned to leave but she grabbed your hair and tugged it back

lmao flashbacks to the other part

she twisted your hair into a ponytail and had a firm grip while a girl kicked you behind your knees so you would fall to the ground

oh no you were done w this

you elbowed miyo on the stomach the hardest you could and she groaned which loosened her hold and you kicked her again to the ground

some other girl hit your side and you winced before slapping her straight across the face bc you didnt want to punch her and hurt your knuckles

but they were really testing you

the last girl still had your hair but you twisted around to face her and just did the last you could think of that would hurt

hit her right between her legs

you finally escaped their hold and miyo lunged after you

‘oh my god leave me alone!’

you yelled before holding up your arms to protect your face but she scratched your arms 

obviously you were losing this bc it was just you but you were going to fight as much as you can

‘bad kouhais need to be punished! your senpais need to teach you a lesson!’

miyo screeched and you grabbed her arm before punching her straight at the boob

sorry rebecca

however, one girl was smart and did the same thing you did to her knees and made you fall to a kneeling position and eventually made you curl into a fetal position

gurl we actually fighting so hard considering we’ve never been in a fight

they continuously kicked you before miyo pulled up your head so you could sit up and kneel in front of her

ofc you tried to grab at her and punch at her

but these other girls were able to catch you and trap your arms in their hold and had their feet on your legs so you couldnt kick

great, another bathroom scene

your arms were bleeding from miyo’s scratches and your sides were hurting after their kicks

you lost and you were already bleeding in places you didnt think you would

this would be the last attempt and if he doesnt come, you’re done for

‘IIIIIIWWWWWAAAAAAAA-SAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!’

your scream echoed throughout the entire are

possibly could be heard in new york

and your voice became hoarse

ofc the girls were surprised and caught off guard but when there was silence and clear that no one was coming, they started laughing

‘oh, so cute! iwa-san? is that supposed to be iwaizumi-san? heh, you whoring around w him too? thats so cute-’

‘LET. GO. OF. HER. NOW.’

I GOT CHILLS

the girls holding you shrieked and dropped their hold on you before scrambling back causing you to drop to the ground

miyo’s eyes were wide and there was horror all over her face at the voice of that infamous boy

kyotani kentarou

‘WHAT THE FK ARE YOU DOING?!’

he yelled and miyo turned around to be met with his piercing eyes before screaming and running away with her minions in tow

‘YEA RUN AWAY! FKING COWARDS!’

ltr the cursing is so awkward for me to do but this is his character and im just so awkward so sorry!!

you coughed and winced at the pain on your side which caught his attention

again, he noticed you as the manager of their team and you’ve been hanging out w him, well, just him staring at you, at the alley while you feed the animals

you were actually nice and caring and definitely didnt deserve this

‘oi, y-you okay?’

you didnt look up, just closing your eyes in pain and biting your lips to not let out the crying

his eyes softened at you and he noticed you were trying to act tough and brave even though you just got beat up

normally, he wouldnt even help anyone but it seems you just did something to him

he sighed before gently picking you up, you not even bothering to stop him, and he held you tightlyin his arms as he carried you to the nurses office

he had a feeling you didnt want to be seen like this and hes been in the nurse enough to know she actually leaves the moment school ends

you let out a shaky breath as he set you down on the cot and you opened your eyes to reach your hold for him when he went away

‘n-no, don’t leave-’

but he grunted softly before holding your wrist

‘im just getting your damn medicine. chill out’

lowkey getting bakugou vibes

you nodded and went to close your eyes again

kyo returned w some pain relief medicine from his bag that he carries 

babie actually gets into fights often and he needs it sometimes

and he had alcohol medicine kind istg and bandaids for your arms

it was silent as you drank the pills and he sat down next to you so he could treat the wounds

but he let his curiosity take over him

‘why the fk did you let them do this to you’

he grunted and you scoffed with a smile

‘let? more like overpower me and grip me as they just hit me’

‘cant you fight them back?’

you glared at him

‘bruh i literally kneed some girl in their cooch but they just some superhuman typa girls that cant be hurt’

he sighed

‘maybe you just werent strong enough’

okay listen here you lil shit

you didnt want to listen to him scold you anymore so you just went back to closing your eyes

but kyo is actually lowkey nosy so he kept asking questions

‘the first time we met. was it her too?’

you flinched in surprise

‘you remembered that?’

‘ofc i did. you looked like shit. not as bad as this but still like shit’

‘gee thanks, stranger-kun’

‘kyotani,,, kentarou’

you smiled

‘nice to meet you, kyotani kentarou. im l/n y/n’

‘i know’

he mumbled but you didnt catch it

‘thanks for hearing me and coming to help’

he hummed

he wasnt going to tell you that he actually heard the scream for his idol and thought hed be there so he ran to go see him but instead saw you

kyo just respects and looks up to iwa-chan so much it warms my heart uwu-

once you were all patched up, you were finally able to stand but you still staggered

he grabbed your arm softly and sat you back down

‘what the hell are you going to tell the team?’

you paused then sighed

‘i dont know. ill figure something out’

but he knew how observant the players would be and they would catch on

after all, he was there watching at the top bleachers as oikawa yelled at you for the ‘hickey’

‘if they didnt hit your face, you could get away with it. but you have wounds all over you and theyd find out. im guessing youre doing this bc you dont want to trouble them or burden them? bc they would do something about it?’

you just stared at this guy

‘how-’

‘just a guess’

he also wasnt going to tell you that he was actually part of the team but the constant fighting got him in suspension

and the fact that his parents were donors for the school, he only got a tap on the wrist

‘so what do i do, then?’

‘tell them-’

‘no i cant do that! another plan, kyo-kun!’

‘oi, im a second year, idiot. treat me with respect’

the irony bc he totally treats oikawa like trash

‘i just,,,, oikawa-san is seen as this prince/gentleman type and i know how protective he is towards me so the slightest problem could cause him to be ballistic. miyo is popular enough to circulate rumors about him and hes already in his third year and she is too so i just have to endure one year until theyre gone’

kyo was disgusted

all this for that stupid idiot captain?

‘youre dumber than i thought’

you weakly hit him at the arm

‘so mean, kyo-san’

‘i dont think its right youre suffering for someone who isnt even worth it’

you glared and linked your fingers together

‘im the manager. i knew this would happen the moment i signed up but i didnt care. as manager, i have to keep up the team’s image and their popularity for support so i cant let all that be ruined just bc a little first year girl couldnt fight for herself’

‘just tell them, kid. less problems’

then he stood up to leave

‘kid?! im only a year younger than you! what you mean!’

but you were panicking

someone knew about you being hurt and they could easily tell the team

and it only increased when he entered the gym and later introduced himself as a player

you were so surprised that you stopped breathing

‘kyo-san,,,’ 

you muttered and he glared at you

well, more like look at you but i have a theory that kyo actually has problems w his sight so it looks like he’s glaring at you constantly but hes just actually trying to see clearly

‘yo’

oikawa was surprised at this interaction

‘eh? you know kyoken-chan?’

you nodded, still looking at the blonde

‘i-uh’

‘its none of your business’

kyotani grunted and you sighed in relief

maybe your secret would be safe

you were still uneasy about him accidentally revealing it, especially since he practically worships iwaizumi-san, but he kept his mouth shut

your caring personality at first was overbearing on him but he appreciated your efforts like volunteering on helping him with his eyeliner or asking him if he needed help with his medical tape

ngl, he also thought you were there just bc it was a team full of guys and you thought you could have that weird girl fantasy of having a harem

but you cared for them like practically a mother and continuously made it clear to oikawa that you were NOT interested in going on a date with him

you werent annoying, you were nice, and you weren’t pushy so he actually showed you respect and took a liking to you

this created a soft of protectiveness around you

sometimes, he would see you around school and he would practically glare at the girls he knew hated you

and when he wasnt there to protect you, you would call him to the nurses office where he would mumble apologies of not being there while patching you up before he would go over and threaten them to touch you again and he would bite their fingers off

aww hes so cute

ofc he still kept your secret bc it wasnt his business to tell 

until that one day

it was normal practice with you helping the boys toss the balls so they could spike it

iwaizumi spiked it really hard making you flinch and he apologized profusely after you almost fell off the chair you were standing on in surprise

‘im just angry that that damn shittykawa is the captain and is late to his own damn practice’

oikawa? late?

that was unheard of

you were about to get off the chair and look for him when the devil himself entered the gym with the devil’s mistress on his arm

miyo was holding on to his arm as he laughed at something she said and ruffled her hair

you dropped the ball and kyotani quickly moved to you so he could stand in front of you protectively

‘oi! shittykawa! youre late!’

oikawa just smiled and pointed at the girl

‘miyo-chan made us cookies, iwa-chan!’

at the mention of food, the boys ran forward but you and kyotani remained at the side at the infamous name

you got off the chair and hurriedly placed an arm in front of him

‘don’t, kyo-san’

‘the bitch-’

‘i know. but please, dont’

you begged and he huffed before aggresively wrapping an arm around your shoulder

aggressively cares for you

‘if she does something or even talks shit, i will-’

‘kyoken-chan! y/n-chan! come here!’

oikawa called but kyotani snarled at him

you smile wobbled when miyo’s eyes narrowed at you and she smirked

‘oh? your manager is so cute, oikawa-kun!’

the rest of the team was just blinking at this weird tension

kyo had his arm tightly around you and hatingly glaring at this girl, who was icily smirking at you, and you tightly holding kyo’s shirt with a worried glint in your eyes

‘you were late to your own damn practice, oikawa. stop wasting time eating this shit and go back to playing’

tbh it still shocks you at how rudely kyo talks to oikawa but you were too pre-occupied on making sure this kid wasnt going to lunge at this girl

‘a-ah, right. oikawa-san, we have to return to practice. if you excuse us, miyo-san-’

you were about to gently grab oikawa’s arm to bring him back when she grabbed your wrist and secretly gripped it

‘oh, dont be so uptight, y/n-chan! i worked so hard-’

but kyo immediately snatched her hand away from you and squeezed it as tight as he could, making her wince

oikawa noticed the pain in miyo’s face and he was angry that kyotani was hurting a girl

‘oi! kyotani!’

he shouted and pushed him away, making the team, even iwa, worriedly look at kyo and brace themselves for the beating

iwa jumped into action and held the second year back while you jumped in front of oikawa

‘kyo-san, calm-’

‘you! be quiet’

he shouted, finger pointing at you

‘and you!’

before pointing to oikawa

‘you are a shitty captain’

‘kyotani!’

iwa was just straight out confused and hes really questioning life decisions right now

mom is stressed and confused, i repeat, MOM IS STRESSED AND CONFUSED

oikawa’s eyes narrowed but he just calmly talked

‘we’ll talk about this later’

‘miyo-san, we really need to practice so if you could see yourself out’

iwa gently smiled to the girl, who was about to protest, but makki and mattsun has already pointed to the door

she huffed then turned to leave and once she was gone, iwa let go of kyotani

‘kyotani, what the hell was that’

oikawa lowly asked and you were about to put your arms out to separate them but yahaba and watari grabbed you so you wouldnt be caught in the middle

then kyo turned to you, fire in his eyes

‘either you tell him or i will’

can we just talk about how protective kyo is?

you trembled and you roughly left yahaba and watari’s grip so you could gently place your hands on his chest

‘please, kyo. just leave it, okay? remember, it’s my busi-’

‘if i see that bitch enter this gym again, i dont give a flying fuck if shes a girl. ill beat the living daylights out of her’

‘kyotani kentarou, what-!’

oikawa shouted but your glare shut him up

‘y/n-chan, what is going on’

‘n-nothing. kyo-san is just, yknow, being him. you know? okay. now lets get back to practice, everyone!’

coach irihata and the other guy sharing that look

to say the least, miyo was pissed

and when she was pissed at you, she always did what she normally does

she corners you wherever its deserted and beat you with the help of her minions who holds you down while she slaps, hits, or kicks you

girlie you needs to tell the boys youre literally getting hit and abused and im just-!!!!!!!!!

and thats exactly what she did

only this time, she wore hard-tipped shoes

‘see, y/n-chan? i saved up and got these shoes just for you!’

the minions were just sharing looks of fear and genuine sympathy for you

they were only there bc she blackmailed them with pictures doing questionable things and if they dont help, they would be released

as usual, you didnt cry, biting your lip as you winced from the pain of her kick at your side

‘youre so pathetic. how could you do this to a person? and all this for your oikawa-san? for a boy?’

you wheezed at her causing her eyes to flare

‘HAH?! SAY THAT AGAIN!’

‘i said-’

but you were cut off when she slapped the soul out of you

her ring cut you at the lip and you cringed at the taste of blood from your lip

‘what else? we gotta hurry this up, miyo, because practice started like 5 minutes ago and im going to get yel-’

‘SHUT UP!’

kyotani entered the gym after his talk with his teacher and immediately looked around for you

his honey brown eyes scanned the area and they widened as your figure wasn’t in sight

‘oi, yahaba, wheres the manager’

the boy shrugged from the side 

‘i dont know. shes late though’

oh god

‘kindaichi! kunimi! youre in the same grade right? did you see where she went after class?’

kunimi paused to remember before answering

‘she stayed after to talk to obe-sensei for the homework, that’s all i know’

that meant she stayed behind and was probably somewhere

‘SHIT!’

he shouted before bolting out the door

ofc the boys were all worried of his outburst and started yelling after him

‘kyotani!’

‘kyoken-chan?!’

they followed him, who was running as fast as he can

the girls would probably do it outside to avoid having to clean up their mess and he almost wrenched the door open in a hurry to take a lap around the school building

it was certainly a sight to see: a boy with dyed blonde hair and two brown lines followed after an entire volleyball team who were screaming after him

‘YOU-!’

he heard that bitch voice and bolted towards the back, where the dumpster was, and found you at the same position like the first time he saw you

blood was dripping on the floor from your busted lip and a cut on your cheek while your eyes were wide at the sight of kyotani’s panting form

‘kyo-!’

‘kyotani!’

your eyes watered at the sight of the entire volleyball team behind him, also eviqualiently surprised yet fuming angry

the girls who held you dropped your arms and ran for the hills so they wouldnt get caught

kyo pushed miyo aside as he grabbed you from the floor and held you

oikawa gave miyo a look that cannot even be described in words

all it was: incredibly, super, ridiculously, heatedly, furiously, angry

now multiply that by the entire team

‘hm, my father, who is the chieftain of the police, mentioned about there being jail time for even minors who commit serious acts like assault or bullying’

mattsun seethed

‘really? i think he’d like the video as evidence against kenta miyo for assault and battery, including bullying, so how many years would that add up to? nearly a decade?’

the girl miyo squeaked as oikawa and iwaizumi roughly grabbed each wrist

‘how long’

miyo trembled at the increased pressure on her wrist

‘IM ASKING YOU A FUCKING QUESTION! HOW LONG!’

iwaizumi has never shouted at a girl before and hopefully, it would be the last

‘s-s-since l-last month’

you burrowed your head in kyotani’s shirt

‘please dont’

‘shut the fk up, y/n-chan, we’re not talking to you right now’

oikawa coldly reprimanded

‘everyone, take y/n away. iwaizumi and i can take care of this. but mattsun, makki, track down those 3 girls and find others who have even touched our manager’

‘got it, boss’

if it was in a different situation, you wouldve applauded oikawa at his ability to be a leader but you were currently in pain from the bruises and the cuts all over you

your fellow first-years were angrily punching things in the nurse’s office

rip nurse in the morning when she finds holes all over her walls

the irony is, the most agressive one, kyotani kentarou, was the calmest as he quietly cleaned your wounds and placed ointment on the bruises

‘i told you so’

he mumbled and you scoffed

‘howd you find me anyways?’

‘dumb bitch yaps really loud’

he answered

no one was yelling at you and no one was saying a word

eventually, oikawa and iwaizumi entered followed by the rest of the third years

‘why. why didnt you tell us, y/n?’

oikawa asked as he sat down on the chair beside the bed

you looked down and fiddled with your fingers

‘if i did, you wouldve hurt her. and she wouldve spread rumors about you and ruin the image and reputation of the grand king and the volleyball team. i didnt want to do that to you and thought i could just endure it one year since youre graduating anyways’

iwaizumi sucked in a harsh breath

‘you wouldn’t have known what we were going to do. you are no oracle and you dont know how we are going to handle this situation. so you were really stupid for keeping these things to yourself, y/n. you may be our manager and our caretaker but let us take care of you too’

you nodded but your tears fell

‘sorry. im really sorry. i didnt meant to trouble you’

‘stop apologizing, y/n’

‘sorry’

‘y/n!’

you bowed your head low and bit your lip in guilt

‘i shouldve told you but i didnt and now everyone is troubled-’

‘we’re a team, y/n. youre not a lone wolf anymore. you have a pack standing right beside you’

watari mumbled and he sat down to give you his favorite hug: the one arm hug

‘im super angry right now and it might seem like im snappy but i really want you to know, y/n, that i really love you and i am just hurt that you didnt trust us enough to tell us you were suffering when i trust you with my entire being. so next time youre hurting or in pain, dont you dare keep it to yourself. tell us, okay? tell your senpais and friends about it so we can share that burden’

oikawa babie you are so mature like what-

what started out as a hug from watari turned into a team hug around the tiny bed, even kyo joined, and you were so happy you found a good team that appreciated you and everything youve done and accepted you as one of their own

‘oikawa-san, what did you do to miyo?’

‘again, im mad y/n-chan, so please dont talk about her right now’

‘iwa-san?’

‘dont use those puppy eyes on me! dont you dare-- okay, we’re pressing charges’

silence

‘WHAT?!’

‘and iwa-chan slapped her!’

‘WHAT?!’

‘shut up shittykawa you did too!’

‘WHAT?!’

a/n: this hurted a bit and im sorry if this was lowkey awkward and all over the place but i didnt exactly know how to portray this situation since ive never experienced this, just bullying in general, before but for those who have, please tell someone so that you dont have to carry that burden by yourself. it doesnt have to be a your parents, but talk to a trusted adult so that this type of stuff doesnt happen to you bc you truly dont deserve that type of treatment and deserve to be happy and feel safe in an environment like school or anywhere in general

[purplesurveys]

816

Gonna do a before and after of one of the first surveys I took when I was FOURTEEN. Fucking wild that I’ve been doing this for nearly a decade. Kinda my way of celebrating the fact that I’ve just been reunited with my old blog, which Tumblr has apparently changed the URL of. Baffled by the move but still stoked, and @a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse​ is absolutely the coolest person for being able to find it haha. Let’s gooooo 1. Are you registered to vote? No. I still have 3 years to go. < That’s so precious. I’ve been a voter for four years now. I registered the second I turned 18 and I remember being very excited to make it to the presidential elections because only a handful of people from my high school batch were 18 by the time of the elections. 2. When days go by, do you cross them off on the calendar? Only when I’m counting down for something. < This still sounds like something I would do, but I don’t really get to anymore because I have digital calendars on my phone and laptop now. 3. Are you currently counting down to something? If so, what? Summer vacation! 4 days left! < Again, so cute. There’s no countdown that exists because I honestly don’t know when it will be okay enough to go out like normal again, but I am waiting for Covid to go away or at least for a vaccine to be available.

No #4? 5. Ever got injured at work? What happened? Nope. < I sprained my ankle at one of the parking lots in school, while walking to my car. Worst thing was it happened in front of an ongoing rally, and I heard their chants slightly falter when they saw me fall. I tried to play it cool, but my foot clearly felt fucked and someone had to hold my arm as I hopped to my car.

6. What color is your roof? Brown. < Stop pretending like you have a roof, Robyn. The house has always had a rooftop.

7. Do you use MySpace or Facebook more? Neither. < I was still far too young when MySpace peaked so I never did get to participate in its glory days. I definitely use Facebook a lot more, then and now. 8. Last time you sharpened a pencil? When I took a diagnostic test last Monday. < Sometime in 2019 when I was still heavily into coloring and I bought several coloring books and a pack of coloring pencils. I loved coloring and wish I kept it up, but it was just a bit of a hassle for me to sharpen every ten minutes or so. 9. List all the people in your phone under T: Zero, zilch, nada. No phone. < A high school batchmade named Dani, a college colleague named Kate, and a couple of aunts and uncles whose contacts start with Tito and Tita.  10. How old were you when you got into text messaging? I once had a super obsessive text problem when I was 11, I think? < That would be the first time I got hooked with texting, but I got my first phone when I was 7 and was already texting by then. Mostly my parents and grandpa, but still. 11. Do you pay rent to your parents? No. < No. They’ve already told me they won’t pressure me to do so either, but out of gratefulness for taking care of me for 20+ years I have absolutely no problems covering some of the bills when the time comes. 12. What do you think of Obama’s new healthcare bill? I don’t know a lot about it. < Honestly, still same. That’s another country’s politics altogether and we have enough issues in our own nation as it is. I do pay attention to US issues that are more universal like LGBT issues, police brutality against black people, Trump as a person...but not the more in-depth ones like healthcare or student debt. 13. How many icons are on your desktop? 34. < Exactly half of that. 14. Do you spit or swallow? Get outta here!!! < Still can’t relate. 15. Ever wrote something on a bathroom wall? Nope. < Eugh no, public bathrooms are so nasty. I don’t usually touch anything in them other than the faucet. I’ve written on other things though, like the desks in school. 16. What’s your definition of a slut? Uh. < Someone who often has casual sex with a lot of people, is how I understand it. 17. If you use the word “slut”, do you apply it to men who do the same thing as what you listed above? Nah. < I don’t really use the word. 18. Do you dye eggs for Easter? I did once, in a children’s party. < Yeah, just that one time at my second cousins’ place when they were in the mood to paint on eggs and invited me and my siblings. 19. What did you do on the first day of spring? Never experienced spring. < We don’t have spring. 23. Are you currently crushing on anyone? No. < Yes. 24. What color hair did the last person you kissed have? NKSB. < LOOOOOOOOOL I spent like two minutes puzzling over this like who tf is NKSB??? Eventually realized this just meant ‘Never Kissed Since Birth’ oh my god 14 year old Robyn you were SO uncool. Anyway, her hair is black. 25. Do you stand up to say the pledge in school? We don’t have a school pledge, but we do recite our country’s pledge and yes, we stand up every time we say it. < Not anymore in university. Everyone just kinda does their own thing in college and we’re never gathered as one student body for anything, except for graduation. 26. Do you like your eye color? God no. It’s so boring. < I mean yeah it is a bit boring, but we kinda have no choice. Unless you go to West Asia which is nearing Europe as it is, nearly all Asians have brown eyes and black hair. 27. What brand of orange juice did you last drink? Zesto. < That’s the only brand of orange juice I’m okay with drinking, even eight years later. 28. Pens or pencils? Pens. < Still feel the same. 29. Last skirt you wore and why? My school skirt, because I have to go to school. < Omfg again, this is so precious. The last one I wore was my denim skirt, but it’s also been a while since I wore that because one of its buttons has since popped out and I never got around to having it fixed, leaving me with no skirts. 30. Last time you wore heels, what kind were they? A prom I went to. I actually have no idea what kind of heels they are so I’m just gonna say old-women heels. < They were stilettos, you dumbass. I also wore a pair of stilettos the last time I wore heels. They’re my favorite kind, so. 31. Shoes you wear the most? My Keds. < My pair of Onitsuka Tiger sneakers. . 32. Favorite quote at the moment? “YOU DUMB BITCH! I’M NOT HOLDING A MICROPHONE! ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?” - CM Punk < Holy crap, I do not remember this quote at all and had to look it up on YouTube and – no regrets. Watching it made so many memories come rushing back lmao that clip is hilarious; Punk is the greatest. Right now I don’t really have a favorite quote. 33. What was the last magazine article you read about? I forgot. < It’s from the website version of the magazine, but the last article I read covered a viral Facebook post wherein someone had photoshopped the faces of The Big Bang Theory boys onto the traditional graduation photos of my university out of boredom. Article is here for anyone who wants to see how well the pictures turned out lol. 34. What do you think about communism? I don’t know enough about it. < I completely support the progressive youth orgs, especially the ones in my university, that are aligned with communist, socialist, and Marxist ideals. They speak the truth more than any other orgs, so I don’t shy away from defending them or promoting their ideals, especially on social media, even if it puts me in danger. 35. Are you planning on going to college? If so, which one? Of course. I want to study in Ateneo. < CAN WE CANCEL 14 YEAR OLD ROBYN?????? What a disappointment omg. You were always meant to be in UP, you weirdo. 22 year old me takes that appalling statement back lol I can’t even begin to imagine spending my college years in Ateneo. 36. What’s your favorite flower? Ugh I hate flowers. < Peonies and roses. 37. What’s the nearest beach? I think it’s like…600 km away + a 2 hour boat ride. < No it is not. There’s a beach I come back to in Nasugbu and that’s only 100 km away. 38. Ever been to Florida? Nope. < Still nope. 39. How old is your brother’s best friend? He’s probably 9 as my brother’s 9. < I don’t know if he has one and I don’t really care anymore. 40. What type of car did you ride in last? A Kia van. < Sksksksks this was referring to the school bus I used to ride omg :( I was last in our Vitara, when I had to go to the hospital to get some tests done back when I still had a pesky fever. 42. Are you excited for summer 2013? Fuck yeah. < I honestly don’t remember how it ultimately went, but apparently I was excited for it so that answers the question. 43. What class were your parents (ex. class of ‘75)? They’re the same age so batch ‘89. < There we go. 44. Are you in debt right now? For what? No. < Kinda-ish? I promised my sister I’d pay her for helping me out with iMovie (I wanted to make Gab a video for her birthday, but had never done it before), but I haven’t had the chance to do it since I only have big bills at the moment. She’s asking for ₱200 but I only have ₱1000s in my wallet, so I can’t pay her for now. 45. If you’re old enough, do you have a credit card? If you’re not old enough, do you want one when you’re older? I definitely want one. < Yep, still want one. Though I’ll need a crash course on how to use it because my parents never really taught me how cards work. 46. What color is your phone? No phone. < Apple calls it space gray but it’s really just black. 47. Have you ever had someone read a text message they weren’t supposed to see? Yes. < Yes. That person was me, and I accidentally read a text from my dad meant for only my mom when I was 5 because I had stubborn fingers that would click on anything. 48. What’s the minimum age you think someone should have a cell phone at? 10. < Holy cow, that’s a nope for me. I’d say 12 or 13. 49. Would you ever work night crew? Sure. < Yes. I’ve seen my girlfriend’s mom do it and honestly I find it pretty badass, especially because while everyone is stuck in traffic trying to get to work by 9 AM, she’s cruising down the highway on the opposite lane with no problem, to be home by 9 hahaha. 50. How old is the last person you texted? 41. < 22.

[gleeandshame]

Semi-liveblogging Vida Episode 21

Under the cut for spoilers

Hoo boy, baptism

Emma... just, just downing the pills, I mean, hopefully nothing bad happens

Is Lyn not gonna wear a bra...?

Ew. “Ew you” - that was cute

Okay yeah the nips are coming into play

Why didn’t Emma say anything, or Lyn think about it

I don’t care about this stuck up mom and probably internalized homophobia man

“Go back to Nordstrom, Coconut Amelie” <- I am just putting that there because the captions didn’t pick it up.......

Them calling her Arthur was pretty funny though

But yeah... this protest conflict has been tiring

Emma really doesn’t want to talk to Nico. TBH I’m pretty disappointed in Nico last ep.

But also the pain is coming, Emma is too stubborn

Of course Nico doesn’t know about the abortion so it looks very suspicious and avoidant

Eesh, I don’t know how this they/them plot is gonna go. Like it was awkward...

I know Eddy’s actor is nb and uses they/them

But the character Eddy saying “regular she” is also disrespectful. Yeah yeah, let’s see how this pans out

Tasha... eeesh. I really am not sure how this show is trying to present queerness sometimes...like sometimes it seems like they’re playing the youth as disconnected insensitive in their “wokeness” and then sometimes... idk. I guess there’s nuance, but yeah. We gotta keep going to see

Karla coming out when Lyn’s nips are out, Lyn should have just walked away tbh

Eddy is an elder though. Okay we getting into the queer debate, alright, alright let’s see 

hmmm, realistically Nico has to work? I mean she could be in drag at the bar arter I guess

Honestly how this show goes there’s probably plenty of times when like eddy is the only one working? Nico emma and lyn always got some drama, lol

“you smile pretty like you always do”, rip trophy wife

This little girl hitting on Eddy?

oh since i don’t normally live blog. just wanted to say i knew the dad was an abusive little sh(t, so like him holding out a plate of for Lyn isn’t heartwarming to me

Like Lyn needs to undestand the balance of being a better person but still being herself. Like her faux modesty is very odd and performative. But I get that’s like literally part of the journey they’re making for her

But there’s only one more ep after this. *worry*

Okay, but really Nico not talking about being Married was wrong and Zoe(y) or whatever tf like... please

Nico gonna quit :/ I mean honestly yeah u can’t really keep working for the boss u used to f*ck and lied to 

Emma didn’t technically say homophobic stuff about her Mom? I don’t think. It was actually a blow to me the Eddy didn’t know about Emma and Nico (or Cruz or a rando)

I wonder if the drag king and Eddy’s gonna happen. I’m not gonna comment on how I feel about that

Oh okay, Nico’s owning up.... It was really bad tho, how do you make up for that.

TBH Nico moving from Brooklyn to here seemed like trying to cheat a fresh start

Alright, finish your essays, didn’t need your life story, I don’t know if we are supposed to feel bad for Nico? like quit because your entanglement with the bar is so messed up

Emma about to see her mom while vomiting, that’s my prediction

That danny trejo make up, pretty on point

“My dick will fall off if I work” oh gosh

OH no, the homophobia is gonna jump out (from the dad)

Lyn obsessed with high scale, I mean we knew it, but that’s her particular gripe now, still?

Well, I mean last event was a sh*tshow, but like, come on Lyn I think this is different unless something takes a turn during the performance

Drop him, Lyn

No, no no, I do not want the dad to show up. Well I mean the sh*t has to hit the fan sometime, but fear.jpg

Lol, I’m glad the protesters didn’t have anything to say back

Oh f*ck Emma having to see the dad

Oh yeah, forgot Lyn lied about Rudy’s thing running late

Oh f*ck don’t say Emmita, get tf out, you’re not her dad anymore

Proud of you Emma

“Today I really needed you” 

The f*ck my eyes immediately teared up

I mean, on the one hand Emma basically double dosed herself against doctor’s orders... but it’s just sad

I know this is late to discuss, but when was Baco? Emma also doesn’t strike me as someone who would be unsafe, so idk where this plot came from. But Baco felt ages ago like she would have known. but between 2-3 there’s no time passed. But ... I guess if someone has the math let me know

Another side note, i would buy a Vida Soundtrack, just saying

*sigh* I mean emma does need someone, but her and Nico are a disaster

I’m sad. One more ep to be sad, and SOMEHOW turn this around, some at least??? :’(

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

CW: transphobia, homophobia. Also pretty long and I'm on mobile so I cant put a read more thing on it.

Ok so this is kind of a personal post so if you don't wanna hear about some of my personal drama, just scroll along. But I feel like I need to get this shit on record somewhere since I don't have the screenshots of the texts this is concerning anymore.

So a little over a year ago, I told the person who'd been my best friend, we'll call her E, since I was about 9 that I didnt want to be friends with her anymore. More on that later.

Back in senior year of high school I started thinking I might be Bi. I brought this up to E and she was super dismissive right off that bat. Saying that I wasnt, sounding like she was trying to console me. Like being Bi was this awful thing that I needed to worry about.

Well fast forward about a year and a half and I went up to my college with her so I could do new student orientation since I was starting the next semester. This is when the fact that I was Bi sort of smacked me in the face because the girl doing my orientation was super hot. I immediately knew I wouldnt be telling E that.

Fast forward to march of 2017. Its spring break. I've reconnected with my high school friends. I've never felt the need to hide my sexuality from them and they were instantly nothing but supportive of me. We never really hung out outside of school back in high school (or in elementary school either in Eric's case.) I start realizing that I've been having more fun with them then I ever did with E. And I finally had people to geek out about sciencey stuff with because E doesnt believe in science but eric LOVES science. It was nice.

Well a couple weeks after spring break me and Es mutual friend Althea asked me to drive her to the shelter so she could get her boyfriends cat fixed (it's way cheaper there then at the vet) and spent the day hanging out with her because she WAS planning to walk back there to pick up the cat afterwards and I was like "uh no. I'm not gonna make you walk across town by yourself." So I finally got to meet her boyfriend. Well that afternoon E came and picked me up to go up to the KU campus to get some more bus passes to go to our college in KC because our school was out of bus passes and didnt know when theyd get more.

Here's when I kinda started to realize I should maybe get out of this friendship. On the way to campus E starts telling me about her day at school and how "theres a girl that used to be a guy in one of my teachers other classes. It's making me uncomfortable."

Me: "that sounds like a you problem, E."

Now I knew she kind of thought that way already. She may not have said shit like that around our other friends but I had to hear it a lot. But because I'm pretty nonconfrontational and she was my only close friend outside of school and I was terrified of being alone, I usually just ignored it or politely debated her about it but generally just agreed to disagree. This was the first time I ever decided to speak up to her about it. Unfortunately I couldnt say much cuz her mom was the one driving us and i knew she agreed with everything E said.

But I'd been hanging out with althea and her boyfriend (who just so happened to be trans) all morning so suddenly having to hear E talk about how uncomfortable trans people make her got me more fired up than usual.

After this I slowly started distancing myself from her. I'd been hoping for a few years that she'd grow up and accept that not everyone is like her and try to be more open minded and accepting of people. Apparently that wasnt happening.

I stopped responding to her texts as often. I was trying to think of a way to talk to her about it but all my past friendships that fell apart, did so naturally and on a silent mutual agreement. So I was half hoping that would happen. Pretty stupid. Dont recommend. Just be straight with people.

After a few months of me only answering her texts every once in a while, she decided to start calling me multiple times a week. Often while I was at work. Sometimes from her mom and sisters phones when I wouldnt answer from her number. Idk y she thought that would work. She knows I hate talking on the phone.

I still didnt know what to say to her. I probably should've just told her I needed some space and she might've backed off for awhile so I could figure it out. But subway stressed me tf out. And i have no idea how you're supposed to end a relationship with your best friend of over 10 years.

(Also some of my other reasons for not wanting to be friends with her were specifically because of althea and I didnt want althea to get dragged into it. Unfortunately it ended up happening anyways. But basically back in highschool, if we were planning for all four of us (me, e, althea, and nikki) to get together, and nikki would have something come up, E would tell althea our get together was cancelled but would still have me come over and then made me promise not to say anything to althea about it.)

Around march or april of last year I blocked her family's numbers. This is when they started showing up at my work. The first time it happened I had a long ass line and was helping my coworker get through it before I left. Her sister came in by herself and just asked how I was doing but left pretty quick after she got her sandwich since it was busy. A couple more times they came and just parked outside like they were waiting for me to get off my shift but ended up leaving. The last time it happened E came in while I was there alone and I really didnt wanna have THAT conversation while i was at work alone and her crazy overprotective mom was out in the car waiting for her. So i made her sandwich very quickly so i could get her out as fast as I could.

I was planning on finally talking to her around the end of april but was still having trouble figuring out what to say.

Unfortunately any plan I had to let her down easy was sort of thrown out the window on may 13th of last year.

My mom texted me that morning about how she got a weird call from Es aunt. On her work phone. This is basically how that call went:

"IS THIS OLIVIAS MOM?????"

My mom, suddenly worried it's my work and something happened to me, "Yes?"

"Why isnt olivia talking to E anymore?"

"............I dont know."

So that kind of crossed a line for me. It really freaked my mom out.

I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when I'm mad or stressed out tho. So my friend Alice ended up writing out the text for me and I read through it to make sure it was ok.

Basically it said "I'm sorry but I dont think we can be friends anymore. The way you talk about the LGBT+ community makes me extremely uncomfortable, especially seeing as I am bisexual and have several friends in the community. The way you used to exclude althea from hanging out with us because you think shes annoying and then expect me to lie to her about it makes me uncomfortable. It was inappropriate to show up at my work unannounced to corner me into talking to you when I needed space. And it was even more inappropriate for your relatives to call my mom at work. I'm sorry I didnt say something sooner but I'm tired of pretending I'm ok with everything you've said over the years."

Then her mom texts me. I dont remember all of it but the gist was "you're a horrible person. E never judged you or anyone else (sure, miss "gay people are gross. I can see how conversion therapy might work." Totally isnt judging anyone and 100% cares about the lgbt+ community.) The only reason she did those things is because she was worried about you."

Then E left me a voicemail that I couldnt understand at all cuz she was crying and I felt terrible even tho everyone was telling me I shouldn't. Now I probably should've taken out the part about althea because it effectively threw my "not wanting to get althea involved" plan out the window. Honestly what really pissed me off about this next part both made me pissed at E but also at myself. E removed herself from the group chat I had with her, nikki, and althea. Blocked althea on Facebook and blocked her number. Didnt bother to explain why. I still feel terrible about this even tho althea has told me many times that it's fine and if she'd had to pick a side she wouldve picked mine. But I still felt like she at least deserved an explanation.

Alice told me to screenshot the texts. I almost didn't cuz I just wanted to forget about all this. But I did.

Anyways life moved on. Eric got a new phone and gave me his beat up galaxy s7. I stuck my s6 into a drawer and let it die and forgot about it.

Then on new years I got a call from althea. Not weird at all. She calls me every major holiday and birthday. Shes done this every year since junior year of high school.

Normal phone call at first. But then she says that her mom has been talking to E's mom. Apparently E's mom told altheas mom that I told E that althea hates her and thinks shes a terrible person and that's why E hasnt been talking to althea. Althea of course didnt believe that but wanted me know about it. This prompted me to try and charge up my old phone and get the screenshots off of it. I had it plugged in for a couple of days and it never turned back on. So that's out apparently.

That's also why I felt the need to get all of this written down. It may not be as great as having the actual screenshots but I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when confronted so I want to have something written down in case any of this comes up again.

[pieceofcheese]

STILL ME AGAIN

Hi a summer-time-is-almost-over day :)) The last summer of teenage time I guest ? :))

Yeh rite this is still me. The same me as the same one writing the previous post 6 months ago. Nothing’s changed. Still me sticking my ass at this desk with this laptop typing those boring helpless words. Summer time is still running out. And nothing new delightful happened to change my life a little. Time just brutally keep running out.

I have just came home from the 3-hour Maths class. Back to the house, back to the mood of not knowing where I am, where I am supposed to go. Mom reminded me of attending English class for the fucking Ki thi THPT QG, which pissed me of thinking about the examination. Another hell examination, I think the Exam to the Hell High School was enough. That failure remember :)) of course I do never forget :)) It’ll always be there to remind me of not-another-failure ever again if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I kind of pissed thinking about the examination coming. I don’t want to spend another 4-year of my life in a fucking Uni in Vietnam. Whatever school it is. I told mom about the IELTS, that I want to do a course before getting into the IELTS Examination. My goal is >7.0 you know, but then the confusion of how can I ask money from Dad (must be another 10 millions VND), what if I fail,.. haunted me for the past months. I am so scared of failure, of letting people down, of letting myself down. I know I can do it if I can motivate myself enough like I have done in the past. But I just can’t. You are such a lazy weak person who find millions of excused all the time. Why don’t you look at the mirror I blame yourself, because it’s definitely your own fucking problems, not anyone or anything.

Well then, Dad came back from work. He acted normal, but then criticized me for going to the bathroom before him, which made him have to wait (for like 3 minutes ??) Yeah its just a normal thing happened everyday, people like “He that cannot beat the horse, beats the saddle” (just googled it haha) It’s ridiculous, but I get that and try to get used to it. But then hearing him babbling about the finance, the stress again.., talking behind mom’s back...  made me want to explode. Not really explode but it annoyed me and made me stitch. I’m enough for that over and over. Just the old same story. It was not I didn’t sympathy, I knew it and I would feel the same way if I was in his shoes. But can we just care about what the other feel, what the meaning and the necessity of the thing we said is,.. Care a little bit, smile a little and go get some safe and sound sleep? The things like: “I can’t bear it anymore so I have to say it out, I have tried to put up with it so the family can be happy..” blah blah made me sick. I am so sorry Mom and Dad. I just think this is the worst way to educate a child, maybe it can push them into some kind of depression or suicide commitment. Yeah I just have every reason to prove that it can happen.

In fact I am not that kind of negative person. Not a full-time positive person of course :)) but I will always figure out how to deal with it, how to feel so that I couldn’t get hurt. I am not a crybaby who cries the pillow wet every night anymore :)) or rarely. I keep it for myself, and choose to get over it. That’s it. Too easy. Like if you happened to eat a lemon, imagined it as a bland meat and swallow it. (like wtf so lame, but I can assure you I am the best at the making up metaphor :)))) Sometimes when parents educated children with old-fashioned meaningless preachment, or tend to hurt children by their words/behaviors, I will be like: “Remember this Ly, never teach your children that way. Please understand them, give them their best sympathy, never act weakly in front of them. Be their good friend.” blah blah. Sounds ridiculous but that is not only a way for me to get over the pressure that parents put on, but also the way to make me feel more positive. 

Gawd I have so much to tell :)) Remember the time when you was on the phone with Chou cuz she had issues, and Dad for some fucking reason yelled at you about hiding secrets, not caring about preparing Grandmother’s dinner blah blah blah? That is I think the biggest hurt and shock and shitty misunderstanding (or shitty parental preachment) I have suffered in this year until now. Oh and other shitty reminding of playing with boys, taking photos too intimately with them (wtf is your husband can see it and what will he think kind of that I mean what the actual fuck so relevant who tf would marry a fucking woman who get mad at photos with MALE FRIENDS or FRIENDS THAT ARE THE BOYS like that. Enough of that car nonsense the luckiest thing I ever had this year is I have my own motorbike to get rid of that car nonsense fuck yeah)

OK enough I don’t want to look back and split all the old bad shit here. Because when I write shit on Tumblr that’s when I am tired of life and I felt stuck. I don’t write when I am angry or depressed or anything like that because at that time I just wanna go outside or get a fucking sleep. I feel normal right now, a little low mood but I’m fine. I just need something to confide (I haven’t the right one to confide with yet so I will continue blabbing my shit here :))) Hope I can find that one soon-the one who makes me feel secured :)) I hope so :) ) After this confession my mood can be lifted a little bit and I could find some motivations to carry on learning and living :)

Oh one more thing POSITIVE THING I forget to tell. My hope was illuminated a little when mom told me about some random fortune teller (just a ridiculous woman at the hospital who tried to got some money from others). She told Mom that the middle child will be a big place (?) for parents to depend on in the future, sort of. It is the same thing the the fortune teller at Hanoi Hotel told Mom when I was born. Well I expect nothing of course :)) but I hope I can live up with their expectation, earn a fortune to take them all over the world, buy them a big house with garden for Dad to raise some hens and plant some trees as he wishes :)) Help my 2 sisters if they need help (hope they won’t because they will be successful too!)  

OK in short. Hope you do well in your next term, have a great time in the last year at CVA High School, have a good relationship with friends and family. Grandparents and Parents are all healthy, everyone is happy and you too! Don’t let yourself down baby, I have faith in you ^^

P/S: me having a huge crush on Nyle DiMarco recently :)) such an inspiration :))

Hanoi, July 28 2017

Much love,

Ly

[ourbluedreamuniverse-blog]

three become one

3:33am 

as i come back to the 

material world, grounded

and 

being equally confused and aware

what sweetness just came out of this body? All the hurt, pain, turmoil of the human condition and the walls that they create... sucking in, clenching, holding, all the times I held. IT. IN. For it to FEEL LIKE THIS...... WHEN I LET GO?!?!?! AHH!!!! 

Before my consciousness in the middle tug of war between my body wanting to stay here and my spirit wanting to be elsewhere. Well, now I see where. What I was cutting myself of from. 

Reconnecting with the One.

The warmth.

The love. 

The overwhelming feeling of returning home. 

Home after the responsibility of this mission has worn off. The weight of the karma of my past imperfections coupled with the unknown would have kept me grounded....stuck on this plain.

Now that would surely be hell. I am certainly comforted that is not my future. 

I wish i could say that my mind was cool calm and collected. That’s not the case. I went on extremes -- i’d connect very highly but i’d bring myself back down with questions ... questioning everything yet all being answered and then finally all replaced with the slithering Kundalini and the word “nectar” over and over and over and over. 

and then

completely Pure, love, white intense light and at the same time I feel this liquid literally BURST out of me uncontrollably, i can’t stop it, but I somehow know not to try...but that’s okay I don’t want to try. but maybe I should? but fuck it this feels too good ... so i continue loving myself and now the most fundamentally shifting orgasm happens at the same time, liquid still pouring while orgasming too and I’m just too confused as to how my body can be doing this but I don’t care and I watch as the liquid changing to a river, stream, and finally a trickle... 

I immediately felt a clearing in my lower grounding chakras -- a release of a lifetime and blockages cleared that at the beginning of the year, hell at the beginning of last week, I wouldn’t have believed the blockages even existed. But they did, I acknowledged, accepted, embraced and still felt love after shuffling through the main shadows of my archetypal victim, saboteur and child. [Side Note: Um, I actually had some rough “Mommy Issues” .... they were SO subtle yet my unawareness didn’t allow me to see how other’s energy had for so long found roots in me through her projected Fears. Not anymore. I saw that I was my mom’s reason for her loss of awareness. But it is not my fault or burden. She had come so far....she asked for her third baby and willed it to be a girl. She got her wish... and then 4 years later everything she had ever wanted ALMOST got taken away from her when they discovered a congenital heart defect. She fell. She blamed herself for asking for a goddess instead of health that one thought has kept he in a cycle of repression, control (especially over my health), insomnia (and now addiction to Ambien). Almost 22 years later and 5,000 miles of distance between us has shown me that Fear is a web that only you and your Goddess can climb out of together and allowing ANYONE to project that onto you is unacceptable and be your vigilant fight in life to make sure you do not allow the energy of others to block you in those was.... i was feeling suffocated and literally stuck and COMPLETELY out of place in a state I had lived my whole life! My spiritual evolution has skyrocketed since then.)

You know the saying “it felt like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders” -- imagine that feeling happening but radiating from your core upwards AT THE SAME TIME your core downwards. 

things i cannot ignore: Pulled “the Fool” tarot card that day; it was the 1 year anniversary (3.15.17) of the email that changed absolutely everything about my existence and location on this material plane, I had written more creatively that day than I had in a long time, my TF is in a Runner stage but is supposed to move soon and I committed to only sending love and supporting energy his way.

my experience was Truth

3:33 am 

confirms that

fact 

3:33 am

the moment three became One.

I’ve arrived.

The lights are on and I’m finding my path back home....you may have burned my maps, suppressed and altered the words of the royalty and earthly goddesses of my past lives, but they’re all with me now, whispering secrets as we go. They were always me, anyways.  This is a battle they’ve fought their entire lives. They are reminding me how to have courage; to write my Truth so other souls are comforted in their own journeys while also accepting that no two are the same....This is so terrifying for me. Not only is this the most “ME!” experience that I’ve ever had... I’m also sharing it. Putting it out there. When I started writing, I almost switched over to my private journal, but I couldn’t. I hated that I HAD TO DIG the internet for a few articles that all repeated kind of the same thing. They were either those click-bait “Lists,” if they were written by a woman they’d give you the history of the Kundalini and be very general, or they were YOUTUBE videos by DUDES... um I’m sorry dudes but you’re first-person kundalini experience has no interest to me when I’m trying to answer, ‘um....so.....is there a ‘normal’ amount of liquid because this seems excessive...?”  

We all need to speak the Truths of our experiences. I know it is very difficult to find the words, phrase or proper way of expressing the spiritual with these measly worldly tools but c’mon we gotta TRY. And especially if you are claiming this is your divine mode of creativity... Okay, create! Give me something new. What I don’t need is the same generalized shit repeated over and over. It is only in the DETAILS of our experience. The DETAILS provide incredible truth.  

That was mostly me talking to myself about the whole writing thing if you didn’t get that... but alas, the work day has flown by and now the True work begins.

With Love & Light,

Blue

[thedeliberatewanderer-blog]

BEING A WOMAN IS FUCKING HARD

Today I want to talk about something that’s been profoundly affecting my visit since I’ve been here. I encountered it from around day 2 or 3, maybe since day one with out knowing it.

The first time it happened, I didn’t really register the situation for what it was, but it certainly left me frustrated and disgruntled until I realized why. The second day I was here, Mohanad took me to Yarmouk University to register for my classes, but first I had to meet with the director of the language program. Aside from the usual condescending tone I typically experience from people in academia, he mocked my small attempts at my broken Arabic - mostly because I had been taught in the Lebanese dialect, which varies in certain, and sometimes drastic, ways from the Jordanian dialect. That was fine, I guess, I normally deal with that from my family and just graduated from a five year experience at a university, but I was unsettled about what happened next. Mohanad briefly left the room to tend to something. The director was across the room, behind his desk, and I was sitting in a chair with its back against the opposite wall. He had a piece of paper in his hand that had course descriptions for their Arabic Institute. First he asked me if I could read, and I said yes - my ability to read Arabic and understand it was and still is phenomenally better than my ability to speak it and understand it when it is spoken. Despite this, he got up from his chair, came over to where I was sitting, and stood less than a foot away from me - with his crotch in my face. He began reading the paper and pointing to each word as he read it. Not only had I already told him I could read it and understand it, but after he read it, I definitely knew that I could’ve without his help, and even if not, there was really no reason for him to not read it from where he was sitting behind his chair. Also, tf, why did he come at me only after Mohanad left the room?  

I left that room disconcerted. I was perturbed by it for two weeks and couldn’t shake the hate. But then I suddenly realized: Oh my God. I experienced blatant sexism.

And I feel that literally everyday. I’m told it’s not impolite to stare in this culture, but I constantly notice more eyes on me than when other women grace the streets. I stick out like a sore thumb with my blonde hair and blue eyes, so if I go outside I’m guaranteed to be cat called at least once and piss off some people because some asshole clogs up traffic, slowing his car to get a better look at me. My taxi rides are uncomfortable more often than not. 3/4 of them propose to me, just think they have a right to my attention, and demand - not ask, demand - for my number and address. One time it was so bad that I just got out of my taxi in the middle of a busy intersection. I am now accustomed to saying “I don’t want to talk” when the men get too pushy. Sometimes I have to double back on my walk home because some creep is following me. On some days it keeps me from going outside because I just don’t have the energy to deal with it. 

My experiences with male English instructors at the Academy aren’t much better. I’m a native English speaker and therefore find the language intuitive and understood more by context than grammatical rules. When one of them asks if I know something or other about English, and I say no, they take it upon themselves to start lecturing. Like, o wow, thanks, I’m so much richer for this useless knowledge you have bestowed upon me. Like, no thanks. I did not ask for an explanation. I do not need to be intellectually coddled.

But my experience at the Academy yesterday was particularly insulting on a variety of levels. After my first class (which went semi-well, I will elaborate in another blog post), I sat down with the director, his friend, and had some tea. He asked me about my focus in anthropology as an undergrad. I told him about my pursuits advocating for Muslim American rights, interning at an NGO, my thesis, etc, etc. So, of course, I told him in particular I was interested in Muslim American hijabi female identity, and we began having a discussion about that. I told him that, rather than the typical American stereotype of the hijab being inherently oppressive, I generally found the opposite to be true. Most Muslim American hijabis feel immensely empowered by covering, and I had and have not met one that does not wear a hijab out of her own volition. In fact, in some instances their parents tried to dissuade them from wearing it, because they were worried about the potential discrimination they might face. Since American society reduces a woman’s value to her looks and equates female liberation with bearing more skin, in some ways covering is a consciously defiant choice against American patriarchal standards. By preventing people from reducing them to objects in this way, they take power back into their own hands.

Before I go on, let me just preface this by saying that, here, I have too often been assumed to be pro-Trump, anti-Islam, etc. Only on a handful of occasions have political subjects have been a topic of discussion. But, unfailingly, every time, the other party either starts off with discrediting something Trump has said or denying x, y, or z stereotype many Americans have against Muslims, Syrian refugees, etc - both of which immediately let me know what they think I think. I have also by and large been assumed to be Christian. Seldom is there a conversation about Islam in which there are not efforts made to compare or compliment it with Christianity or Biblical references.

What I thought was supposed to be an attempt to alleviate the aforementioned presumptions from influencing the conversation was still perceived by the director as an attack on his Islamic beliefs and interpretations, but for much different reasons than I anticipated or even realized until some time after. He replied first by insisting that Christian women wear the hijab in church, and that American women used to cover their hair, arms, and legs in the 40s. I told him that the former is definitely not so, unless referencing nuns, but they are a pretty stark minority of Christian women. I know there are still some sects of Christianity and non-Muslim cultures where women cover, but, again. Very stark minority. Nonetheless, he took my mention of nuns me conceding to his perception that most Christian women cover in church (I don’t know if he actually knew what nuns were, then? Or Roman Catholicism?). I also tried to inform him that, yes, American women historically dressed more modestly and covered their arms and legs, but hijabs were never, like, a thing in America, lol. He kept insisting that it was, that in the 40s they wore “pieces on top of their heads” and I was like hats? Those were fashion statements worn randomly, not attempts at modesty. But still, there he was, smirking and nodding and apparently tuning out after I said the word “hats.”

I tried again from the historical angle he brought up. In America, women wore less clothes the more social freedoms they had. That’s why there’s a cultural conception that links bearing skin with freedom, and a cultural bias saying women are liberated and empowered this way. But we’re also not allowed to be sexual, so we’re basically expected to be empowered by nakedness under the condition that it’s sexualized and controlled by men. But that’s why the hijabi women I’ve met felt empowered by doing otherwise. They have control over their sexuality, it’s their choice, and I think that perspective is unique and pretty cool.

His retort was something like, well do they say that’s the only reason they cover?  And I was like, well no, of course not. There’s parents, cultural pressures and expectations, etc. But I would say, for the majority that I’ve met, yes. And that’s not to say people who don’t cover are more wrong or right. American women in general have some authority and control over their sexuality, including hijabis. 

“What about whores?” His tone was clearly insinuating disgust. 

We were both disgusted at that point. I got pretty blatant after that. I said something like:

Terms like whore and slut are considered sexist where I’m from. There’s nothing about a woman that says she’s more or less worthy because of what she wears or how many people she does or doesn’t sleep with. Even if she has one partner for her whole life or twenty in a week (at this point he shook his head, stuck his tongue out, and closed his eyes in a clearly disgusted face), she’s allowed that without shame because it’s her body.

Then he asked, “what about Christian women who convert to Islam that cover?” 

“What?”

“What about Christian women who convert to Islam and wear the hijab?”

“I don’t understand why you’re asking that right now,”

“What. About. Christian. Women. Who. Convert. And. Choose. To. Wear. The. Hijab. What does that say about the hijab and Islam?”

“That she’s read the scripture and decided covering feels right in her heart.”

He looked annoyed at that point and kept asking me if I knew this famous person or that famous person that were Christians that converted to Islam. As politely as I could, I just said, “no. I’m not a religious person. I don’t spend my time looking into stuff like that.” He showed me another. And another. It took me a few times of repeating what I had said for him to understand that a few Christian people converting to Islam is meaningless to me. Or, at least didn’t mean what he had expected it to mean to me. 

The conversation kind of ended with me saying the reasons I love anthropology so much and am grateful that it was my major. It taught me that you can’t quantify the human experience, that people aren’t numbers, blanket statements are never applicable to everyone, and human life and culture is complicated and conflicted. It leaves room for nuance, and it acknowledges relativity in cultural beliefs. He waved me off, looking for another video. I nonetheless looked at it patiently, nodding and acknowledging it before giving it back, and again reiterating my stance on my personal beliefs.

When I eventually and finally got it in his head that there’s nothing for me to convert from he did get quiet and stopped being patronizing and argumentative, though (which means one of his goals wasn’t purely to attract me to Islam, but merely to say it is superior to Christianity). I guess no religion is better than being a Christian? Either way, I think in the end he understood that I acknowledge and respect religious perspectives regardless of which one, but that doesn’t mean I ascribe myself to one or think one is more valid than another. His presumptions didn’t allow him to prepare for an anomaly, though, so I don’t think he had much of a choice but to stay silent at the end.

People convert from Islam to Christianity all the time, too. Or, I don’t know, to Buddhism to Paganism. It doesn’t mean that one religion is inherently better or more correct than another because of that conversion, as he was clearly trying to get me to conclude. Which, when you think about it, is pretty sinister. If he assumed me to be Christian, then his goal was to get me, as a perceived Christian, to invalidate my beliefs or say Islam is a better faith.

I realized the next day (today lol) talking to Nada, though, why my initial comments insulted him in the first place when I completely meant the opposite. The idea of a woman being in control of her sexuality and how she expresses it was inconceivable to him. When I said, “because SHE feels it is right in her heart,” the answer wasn’t satisfactory enough for him. He went tight-lipped and halfway rolled his eyes. And when he said, “is that the ONLY reason they say they wear the hijab?” when I expressed Muslim American women’s common feelings of empowerment from covering, he said it dismissively, waving his hand, talking over me, like he was searching for the answer he wanted to hear (Islam is better/women are meant to be covered) and didn’t care about a woman’s say in covering or not even though it’s her body.

Because he didn’t. To him, women cover because they are not allowed to be anything but modest. They are not allowed to be sexually expressive regardless of how they feel about, because men here expect it. Individual female empowerment doesn’t matter. Their agency is irrelevant. If she expresses any semblance of the power choice, she is devalued and dehumanized, likened to a "whore." What was intended to be a way to show respect for Islamic practices unintentionally came across as a threat to his male privilege. And I'm okay with that. 💁🏼

To some extent, Muslim American women do have the luxury of choice. Their agency is integral to whether or not they wear the hijab in most instances. Not to say they don’t get shit for wearing it or don’t experience sexism, racism, and oppression in other ways. They certainly do. But in a greater respect than what I’m observing in Jordan, their say matters, and wearing the hijab can, indeed, be a source of empowerment. But I can’t for sure say the same thing about women here. Many of them tell me that they choose to wear it. And, granted, a small number of women here do not. But do they really choose to wear it when it’s the norm and what’s expected of you from your family and peers? When men scoff at the idea of them having a voice or choice in the matter? Is there any sense of empowerment when there’s no rebellion in showing less skin rather than more since less is already the standard? Does the questioning of a woman’s character if she doesn’t sway her opinion? Is it really, fully, and completely her choice in that instance? 

Also, Nada told me that, last summer when she still covered, she was still hounded in the streets of Jordan. Even though she did as what was told would make her a respectable woman, she was still not respected. She was still objectified. There is no rest for women even if they’re compliant with Islam. If men staring is a norm in Jordan, then I guess the Islamic tenant of "lower your gaze" doesn't mean shit, either. Therefore, rather than the issue being a question of Islam, it's an issue of a patriarchal culture. The director had confused his sexism with his religiosity.

And, you know, I really fucking hated the idea of writing this. Because I’m essentially throwing Orientalists and anti-Muslim people a bone for their racism. And it makes it sound like Jordan is a terrible place and that all its men are sexist assholes. Let it be known that Fareed and Mohanad are nice, lol. And that I have enjoyed and treasured my time here in a lot of ways. And of course I think of the American way as better. I’m a God damn American. Ethnocentrism is a thing. But even so it doesn't make my experience okay. I have never experienced sexism like that. Never have I felt so devalued in a place because of my sex. I know sexism is a problem in America, too, both at the individual and institutional level (a “clash of patriarchies” as some scholars have argued). There is no question about that. But it is still not fashionable to be sexist in America. You do not want to be called sexist in America. That doesn’t make it go away, though. It just makes it more covert. But here, it’s so overt that it’s right up in your face, shoved down your throat, and pulled out your ass. Either way, whether covert or overt, it's not okay, and the experience was deeply insulting to me and women everywhere. 

I’ve been reading some blogs about other white women’s experience in the Middle East, and a handful said the visit made them question their values. I’m very grateful for my education in anthropology, because no doubt, otherwise I would probably be doing the same. 

Last thing, the director has a PhD in linguistics, a subfield in anthropology, like tf???! How does he not know this shit????

Kbye:) ~ NewKat