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jihyuncompass · 4 years ago

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Only Then I Am Human (Only Then I am Clean)

It’s finally the end of Jihyun Week. It sure has been a roller coaster. This final fic is one I’ve been thinking about for a long time and is one very close to my heart, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed creating this. I want to give a special thank you to my wonderful friend @spacesquidlings for encouraging me when I was feeling scared, and for having just as much love for this fic as I do. It wouldn’t exist without you. I love you so much my friend. So this fic is dedicated to you.

Each section of this fic is inspired by a song by Hozier. I highly recommend listening to the songs along with the fic.

Only Then I Am Human (Only Then I Am Clean)

Jihyun Week 2020 Day Eight ( @mysme-events )

Free

Jihyun Kim x MC

Word Count: 10k

Summary: “V, my sun.” She cooed. “Your love is what warms me, what burns away the pain of my past. Your light drives out my own darkness.” She explained to him, she thought about her words next. “V, each day, you’d rise with me. Know that I would gladly be, the Icarus to your certainty. My sunlight.”

I. Sunlight

The photographs made her lose her breath a little. She stared at the framed photo, taking in all the small details. This was not the first time she’d seen this photo, in fact she had actually been to this gallery every day for the past week now. Each time finding herself hypnotized by this image.

The photo depicted the sun and its horizon. The sun lit up the horizon beautifully, making everything around it look washed in a golden glow. Her eyes pricked with tears, there was something about the image that was just so incredible that she couldn’t resist staring at it. So much so she didn’t even hear someone approach her.

“Do you like it?” Her eyes tore away to the young man who’d approached her. Tall, a little lanky. Like a man who hadn’t fully grown up yet, with strangely mint colored hair and matching eyes. In his gaze she found herself a bit taken aback.

“Yes I love it.” She said, looking him up and down she found him strange, but also undeniably fascinating. “Excuse me, but who are you?”

The young man smiled and motioned towards the photo in front of her. “The one who took this photo.” The young woman’s eyes widened, glancing at the small label on the bottom of the frame and then back to him.

“You must be V, the photographer!” She exclaimed.

“You’ve been standing here for almost an hour, so I came to say hello. Didn’t you come here yesterday too?” The young woman flushed a bright red. She hadn’t expected to meet the person who took the photo, nor did she expect for him to recognize her for coming the day before. She laughed a bit and rubbed the back on her neck.

“Yes… the photo was so beautiful I just had to come for another look.” She smiled at him, then continued. “I’m also a fan of your work.” The photographer, V, smiled back at her. A kind, warm smile that set her heart afire. It was a smile she had never seen someone give her. One that made her want to keep looking at him.

“I’m glad you like it. Then please enjoy it.” V said. He stepped away to walk somewhere else. Feeling his smile leave she spoke again, quick so he wouldn’t leave just yet.

“Wait!” V stopped and turned around to look back at her. “Don’t go yet. I had something to ask you.”

V cocked his head to the side. “What is it?”

She took a deep breath and then started to talk. “The sun is the mother of all things. This flower wouldn’t have come to live if the sun hadn’t exuded energy.” She looked at the photo and then back at V. “The consistent love and warmth, I feel it from all of your pieces. When I stare at your photographs, I feel all my fears disappear!” She continued speaking about the sun, about the warmth of the sun. As she spoke V listened to her, taking steps towards her to hear her better. He seemed to be in awe of what she was saying to him. “Do you believe we all can become the sun one day? Is that what you think when you take these photos?”

V stared for a while, seemingly processing all that he said to her. Then he laughed a bit. “No, I don’t have such profound thoughts when taking the photos. I’m not that great.” This time V rubbed the back of his neck, looking a bit shy. “But, when I take them. I do hope that people like you can feel love when looking at them.”

She grinned at him, a bright and brilliant grin. “You are great. V, just by the fact you can take photographs like this.” V’s own heart raced looking at the woman in front of him, the way her eyes were filled with so much emotion, and so much complexity. He’d been complimented on his works before, sure. Yet this woman, she had so much more to say. Something so much deeper than anyone else he’d ever met.

“Thank you. Do you want this photograph?” He pointed towards it. She looked but shook her head sadly.

“I love it, but I don’t have enough money to purchase it.” He stepped forward, now more excited.

“I’ll give it to you as a gift.”

She blinked in surprise, unsure if she had heard him properly. “What?”

V motioned to the front of the gallery. “Please tell the receptionist your address, name and phone number.” She looked where he was motoning then back at him. Her voice shook as she responded to him.

“Oh, I can’t accept such an expensive piece!” V shook his head and touched her shoulder briefly.

“Please don’t refuse. If you feel love when looking at this photograph you are the true owner.”

“But, I don’t like receiving something for free.” She didn’t want him to just give her this, she feared his intentions, but he kept smiling at her. A warm smile that felt like sunlight to her heart.

“Then how about this?” He said. “I’ll give you this photograph and you can buy me coffee after this exhibition?”

She shook her head again, disbelieving of his words. “What?!”

“Your thoughts made a big impression on me. I’d like to hear more about what you feel looking at the photographs, how you see life.” V told her.

She’d never heard such a thing before, she hadn’t grown up used to the idea that someone would want to hear her, to see her for who she was. To actually take stock in what she believed, and then here was this man, V, who wanted to hear her, who wanted to see her.

“Your thoughts made a big impression on me. I’d like to hear more about what you feel looking at the photographs, how you see life.” He explained, then realizing he asked. “Can I ask you your name?

“It’s Rika.” She said. V tilted his head.

“Is that your real name?” She sighed.

“No…”

His smile didn’t waver. “I’ll tell you my real name first. It’s Jihyun Kim, but everyone calls me V.”

Rika couldn’t have been certain, but that she felt was the moment she started to fall for him. V, the very embodiment of the sun she’d desired for so long, and now with him here she wanted to bask in his light. In his warm smile and kind eyes. She wanted to get lost in him.

She hadn’t expected things to go the way they did, yet she found herself falling for him, and falling hard. She wanted to always be looking at him, she wanted to lose herself inside him. In his embrace she felt her worries wash away. The darkness that had held to her since she was a child became easier to deal with. Once many years ago she would have likely rejected him, feeling safe to thrive in her own darkness, but with V? With V she wanted his warmth to take that all away. Rika wanted nothing more to fill herself with his light, to get closer and closer to him. She wanted to become something new, she wanted to become just like the light he was.

She felt this understanding in the peaceful moments, when they were just close to one another, or when they laid together in bed.

Light streamed in from the window behind their bed. Basking the whole room in a warm light. Rika stared at V, who was staring right back at her. His arms were holding her close, being so near to him she felt the warmth from him, both the one on her body, and the warmth in her soul.

Earlier that day she had been struggling, it felt as though there was a storm in her mind. With every part of her heart and soul aching, V had found her. Sitting on the kitchen floor, with tears falling down her cheeks.

She’d worried about his reaction but instead he held her. Whispering words of love to her. The ones that seemed to make her darkness subside, disappearing under V’s sunlight. Being in his arms she felt herself warm.

“Rika.” V said, laying in bed next to her. “Do you feel better?”

“I think so,” She’d said. “But I always feel better near you.” V’s gentle expression remained as his hand pulled locks of hair from her face and continued to admire her. He rested the palm of his hand against her cheek, the warmth of his hand matching the hotness on her cheeks.

“Rika, my darling.” V whispered and a soft tone. “May I ask you something?” Rika nodded to him.

“Yes V, what do you want to ask me?” He waited, seemingly thinking on how he wanted to phrase the question to her. Understanding the sensitivity of Rika’s own emotional state, but feeling a desire to have his question answered.

“You tell me my love is like the sun.” He started. “And, I am happy to love you as your sun forever, but I fear that sometimes. The sun is the mother of all, without the sun things can not grow, can not survive. Yet, the sun also can burn, it can grow cancer inside our bodies if we spend too much time in it.” V explained. Rika was listening attentively. Not seeming upset by his words. “So I fear that one day my love might burn you up, grow a cancer in you. I don’t think I could live with that.” Rika smiled, and shook her head.

She spoke in such a gentle voice that V couldn’t help but to believe every word she spoke. “V, my sun.” She cooed. “Your love is what warms me, what burns away the pain of my past. Your light drives out my own darkness.” She explained to him, she thought about her words next. “V, each day, you’d rise with me. Know that I would gladly be, the Icarus to your certainty. My sunlight” V found himself breathless, he found himself in that state often around her. Her words wrapped around his heart, making him only want to be closer to her, hold her tighter. Paint her heart and soul with his love the color of the sun.

“Rika.” He whispered. “If you wish me to be your sun. Then I will, I’ll ease the pain that still lurks in your heart. I’ll give you all the warmth you need, I promise you.” V said. He gently held her hand close to his chest.

“V, will you love me forever? Just like the sun?”

His eyes spoke what she could only see as the truth. “Forever, my beloved. Just like the sun in the sky. I’ll always be here.”

She believed him, every word. Whenever the doubt began to arrive she’d hold onto his words. She’d seek out his light and his comfort, the kind that starved the darkness inside her and made her feel light and good. Unlike the cursed child she’d been raised as.

As time passed she started to worry. Though with V she felt safe, she felt loved. There were seeds to doubt that began to dwell in the corners of her soul that V's light couldn’t even reach. Growing and thriving in her darkness, in that space she started to feel different. At the start the feeling was strange, and somehow all too familiar, but then it became comforting. Instead of filling her with light like V did. This feeling filled her with something else, it whispered promises of a painless life, of a paradise where she would never hurt again. Where she’d be loved, and never abandoned again.

The devil inside her told her something else. Something she once would have vehemently refused, but now. Feeling this newfound sensation in her, this voice that spoke to her very core.

V’s love was not salvation, it was not peace. What she needed to survive was the thing that kept her alive as a child. Not the love of the sun, but the seduction of the moon.

Oh your love is sunlight.

But it is sunlight.

II.Cherry Wine

V admired so much about his lover. He had found himself regularly struck silent by how beautiful she sounded when she spoke to him. Rika’s words always held this magic to them. A kind that he found himself enamored with every word she said. Every syllable was a gift, every phrase a spell over his heart.

Her words always held passion within them, unlike anyone else V had ever met. Rika spoke in beautiful metaphors, with such a great and beautiful understanding of the world that surrounded them. He felt he could listen to her talk forever, and so he learned to speak like her. So together they spoke in a strange tongue of metaphors and riddles that only they knew.

From the beginning of their relationship V had known about the tragedy his beloved Rika had endured. At times when she felt able, she had told him about her adoptive parents, about the orphanage she’d been in. How she had been rejected by everyone who had ever been around her. He’d felt so much pity for her, this poor thing who’d felt abandoned her entire life.

He’d tried to love her like the sun, just like he had promised her over and over. For a long time it seemed to make her happy, she smiled more, she seemed lighter and full of energy. They created the RFA together, gathering a group of their friends and others who they thought could make a difference in the world. From this, she seemed happier than ever.

V wasn’t sure when things changed. It didn’t feel like the switch of a light, or the snap of a finger. It was slow, so slow he didn’t truly notice what was happening until it all reached a certain point. Like a frog in water slowly coming to a boil.

Each day began to feel like he was walking on a wire. Rika’s emotional state started to deteriorate. However this time, unlike every time before she didn’t want his help. Instead she actively seemed to be trying to push him away.

“Rika please.” V said reaching for her. She slapped away his hand.

“You don’t understand!” She shouted. “You never understand!”

V’s hands shook, but he still tried to step forward. “Please, then help me understand. Let me help you.” Rika turned away from him but he kept trying to follow.

“Help? You don’t want to help me!” She whirled around to look at him, her eyes and words are so icy, but she burns like rum on a fire. Her anger is palpable, V couldn’t even remember how this argument had begun. All he knew was she was upset, and she wouldn’t let him near her.

“Rika, your idea, your plan it’s…” He thought out his words carefully. “It’s not right, you can’t save people that way.” V looked to the paper on the table, the one she’d shown him before. Rika’s newest idea for helping those in need, one he knew was dangerous.

“You’re just like the rest of them!” Rika shouted. You’re just like my parents, my step parents, everyone.” She said she wasn’t yelling anymore, but her words held so much contempt.

V shook his head, again trying to reach for her. “I’m not like them Rika. I love you, more than anything in this world. No, you are my world Rika, and I’m your sun. Right?” Rika paused, her anger changed to something else.

“If you say you love me V.” Rika looked at V, with him looking at her with those pleading bright eyes. “Can I test your love, make you prove that you mean what you say?” Rika stepped towards him. V nodded, falling down to his knees in front of her.

“You can test me every day Rika, I’ll always come back to you, I’ll always love you.” Rika looked down at him, her hands cupping his face to look at her and only her.

“What if I make you hurt every day? What if I torture you to the point you want to let go of my hand and leave?” V took a deep breath and nodded to her.

“I’ll stay. I won’t ever abandon you.” V and Rika stared into each other’s eyes. Seeking each other’s true feelings, what V found, was anger but also surprise. What Rika found was trust, and what she could only imagine was love.

Rika took a deep breath, her hand going to grab the back of V’s head. His eyes never left hers. He held his breath, expecting what could be coming. He didn’t close his eyes until he felt the impact.

The way she tells me I’m hers, and she is mine.

Jumin wasn’t one to pry into his friend’s life. He’d always known V as a private man, preferring to keep his own life closed off. Even to those he considered himself close with.

When V came to visit him. To share a bottle of wine, to talk about their lives. In the same way they had done for many years. He’d noticed the strange way V looked. While anyone else might not have noticed, Jumin noticed the strange way that V seemed to walk, how he kept his sleeves down and arms hidden from sight. Most of all, Jumin noticed the dark purple bruise on V’s face, that he tried to hide with his hair.

“Are you alright?” Jumin asked him after a glass of wine. A rare and expensive wine he’d been given as a gift, it didn’t taste bad, perhaps a bit too sweet for Jumin’s liking. Feeling a tad looser than he had before, he wasn’t afraid to question his friend. “You seem strange tonight V.” His friend looked over to him, also having drank a glass of wine already.

“I’m fine Jumin. Why do you ask?”

“You just seem odd tonight, and I know you well enough to know when something is wrong.” Jumin explained. Elizabeth the 3rd jumped up on the couch they were sitting on. Placing herself right between the two men. Seeking attention, which they both provided. “Also. I noticed the bruise on your face.”

V reached up his fingers covering it. “It’s from a hike I went on, I tripped over a tree root and fell on my face. Got a nasty bruise out of it.” He turned away to hide the bruise some more, which only made the feelings of concern worse. “It looks ugly, but it’s clean.” V said. Jumin hesitated but why would V lie to him? Jumin took another sip of wine to swallow the doubt in his throat. V was fine, it’s just a hiking injury.

That’s what he hoped, anyways.

Months later, Rika was angry again. This was more common now than anything else at this point. V still tried to help her, asking if there were things he could do, if he could hold her, encourage her, anything. She kept her distance from him, keeping him only continuing to beg for her. He hated seeing her in pain, but she wouldn’t engage with him, wouldn’t listen to him. Only her own words hitting her ears.

Finally, she broke down. The glass of water in her hand that V had given her was thrown against the wall, the glass shattering on impact and landing all over the floor. V grabbed her by the shoulders to move her away from the shards, not wanting her bare feet to be cut by it. However as soon as he touched her he was pushed back and to the ground.

“Rika?” He said she was standing over him now.

“Why do you keep doing this?” She hissed at him. “Why do you keep trying to care for me?” She yelled. V brought himself up to slowly stand.

“Because I love you. Because I want to care for you-”

“Liar!” She pushed him back down again. “You don’t care for me, all you do is pity me. That’s why you’re here, that’s why you stay.” V shook his head.

“No, I love you Rika. You know that, I love you.” V said, Rika stared at the broken glass on the ground, then at V. Her sun, her lover, kneeling to her. Opening himself up to her, she looked between the glass and him.

She looked into V’s eyes, the bright blues that she once thought could give her salvation. Now, they were staring at her, pleading. The look once would make her feel at peace, but now it just made her angier.

“You said I could test your love. That no matter what I did you would always stay?” V nodded.

“Always, just like the sun.” Rika walked towards the shards of broken glass littered on the floor. Taking one long jagged shard from the ground, she held it carefully in her hand, the edges digging into her skin.

V watched her, his heart raced but he didn’t say a word. He didn’t move an inch, and let Rika take him by the chin.

And it’s worth it, it’s divine. V thought as he felt the pain across his eyes. The last thing he truly remembers thinking.

He awoke the next morning with his eyesight still blurry. Even the lights in the house felt like too much. He tried to blink away the blurriness but found it to be no use. He stumbled around his house. He called out to Rika, but heard nothing back.

Based on what he could feel he assumed he was in the kitchen. He took a few steps deeper into the kitchen and hissed when his feet hit the broken glass from the night before. He reached out and managed to catch one of the dining chairs collapsing into it.

His hand grazed across a piece of paper. Taking it he forced his eyes to focus enough to read Rika’s handwriting.

I’m leaving. I can’t let anyone get in the way of paradise.

He had to tell the RFA something. He didn’t want them to know where she had gone, or what she was doing. So instead he felt it would be better if they believed Rika was no longer in this world. As far as V knew, Rika wasn’t the same person they knew. So in some ways, she was already dead.

She'd once told him, she'd be the Icarus to his sun. Sitting there V realized his love had done something to her, something that made her unable to go on. So like Icarus with wax melted, V told the RFA that she'd met the sea.

Oh but she looks,

Like sleep to the freezing.

III. Work Song

How had things gotten to this point? He thought. V’s mind was in and out while he was resting in that safehouse. The blankets pulled around him to keep him warm. He heard the sound of Luciel typing on his computer from the other room. But laying there he reflected on everything that had occurred up to that point, his mind kept replaying the moment he met Rika. Repeating over and over. He thought of how he fell in love with her,

He moved through their relationship piece by piece. He thought of their dates, their nights spent together, the RFA parties and the charity work. All of it mixed together in his mind. Those memories of their relationship now was such a stark contrast to what they had become. Through each memory he could recall the emotions he felt, how much he adored her, worshiped her. He thought about how beautiful she was to him, how just being around her he was so full of love he could barely eat. Rika had been so beautiful, but also so broken and hurt. All at once.

V pondered when things had changed. What moment became the starting mark for this dark road they were on. It had happened long before Rika left, was it even before she started therapy? Was the end even before she had first told him about her ideas of paradise? There was no moment that he could think of that truly changed everything for them. The only thing he felt was the feeling that those old memories no longer held the warmth they used to. The long mornings spent in bed felt foreign. The dates, the kisses, the proposal, none of it felt happy anymore. Only twinges of sadness and this heavy feeling in his chest.

“Please.” V asked the stranger who Luciel had called Vanderwood. “Can you help me with something?” Vanderwood raised an eyebrow at him while they leaned over him. From the corner of his eye he could see them. Watching him with those concerned eyes.

“I’m already helping you.” Vanderwood said.

“I need to go back.” V said. MC stepped forward, now their concern was showing in their face. “I need to stop her.” Vanderwood’s expression changed to one of complete disbelief.

“You want to go back to the woman who kidnapped you and drugged you.” Vanderwood stated. V nodded, Vanderwood glanced back to MC. Whose eyes stayed on V the whole time. V couldn’t look at them, he already felt guilty about Rika getting them involved. The last thing he wanted was to feel the guilt of leaving them.

V knew that returning to Rika meant that he would likely die. Rika made it clear that she had no interest in keeping him alive at Magenta, but maybe he could convince her to let him stay. Because, despite the pain he was in, even if he felt as if he was on the brink of death. He still wanted to go to her, go to the only home he seemed to know now.

“Yes.” V said. “Maybe I can convince her to end this.”

“There’s no reasoning with people like her.” Vanderwood said. “If she’s as bad as you say. Then there’s nothing you can say that will make her stop what she’s doing.”

“V.” MC said, they sat on the end of the bed by his feet. “You should treasure yourself more. You can’t just sacrifice yourself like this.” V thought on their words, about him learning to treasure himself more. To see himself as someone worthwhile, someone worthy of happiness and even forgiveness.

“Treasure myself?” V whispered. “Why should I treasure myself when I’ve done so many horrible things? When I’m such a monster?” MC’s face didn’t change, the same compassionate determined expression.

“You aren’t a monster V. You deserve to be safe, and to be happy.” MC said. Maybe it was the drugs, or the fever making his head feel dizzy, but somehow when they said those words. V believed them. When they told him he could be happy, he could live a good life, one away from Rika, from the chaos that surrounded them.

MC was always there. When he would wake up from a nightmare they’d be there to soothe him, when his fever spiked they made sure he was wrapped up in blankets and pressing a cold towel to his forehead, and when he felt at his lowest. When all he could think about was sacrifice. They never stopped comforting him, telling him he was worthwhile, that he was cared for, and he wasn’t alone. When they were near, V could almost feel hopeful, even if he could save Rika, with MC, he felt safe. In the low lamplight he was free. Heaven and hell were words to him.

As more time passed, V started to believe that maybe he could survive this. Perhaps this wasn’t the end of his life, and maybe it could even be the start of something new.

All that was left was Rika.

Seeing her again, in that forest V knew what he needed to say. Looking into her green eyes he didn’t feel the same pull towards her he did once.

“I loved you. I truly loved you.” Rika said. “Remember what I told you? I told you that one day I will hurt you. But you embraced me. You told me that this warmth and love we feel at this moment was real.” She said. She shook her head, tears in her eyes. It couldn’t be like this, she hated V, he’d tried to destroy her darkness and yet somehow she couldn’t let go of him. “I still love you.” Rika whispered, partially to herself. She grabbed the collar of his shirt pulling him close to her, his eyes holding nothing but pity for her. Not the warmth she used to see.

“Rika.” He said.

“If you’re not light, then I’m not darkness.” Rika said. “Tell me you’ll be my light. Please? You’re my light. You’re my sun, your love is the sunlight.”

“Rika.” V said. “I can no longer be your sun.” Rika shook her head violently. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. How is it possible that he didn’t want her anymore? Was it as she had thought? Had he never loved her like she loved him?

“Please don’t leave me.” She begged. “You told me that if I’m sad you’re sad too.”

“Rika.” V tried to say.

“No! Tell me it was love. What we had together was love! Tell me your whole purpose of your life is me.” Rika cried.

“We’re the same Rika. We’re both traumatized. Back then that was all that mattered. But now, not anymore. It wasn’t love then or now.” Rika shook him, grasping his collar while she cried, crying for him to love her, to come back. To be her sun again, but her words fell flat. V didn’t hesitate or move, insisting that she needed to give up.

Rika let go of his collar and stepped away from him. Tears were going down her cheeks, her expression a bitter mixture of heartbreak and fury. “Then you leave me no choice. I should finish this, for both of us.” She reached behind her eyes not meeting V’s.

“Rika?” He asked, confused. V didn’t even realize what had happened until he looked down. Seeing Rika holding a bloody knife in her hands. Had she stabbed herself? Was she okay? He wanted to reach for her, if only to see if she was hurt.

“I stabbed him.” Rika said to herself. The realization then hit, V then felt the rush of pain, clutching his stomach, his hand becoming wet with his blood. He fell to his knees, wincing and gasping. Rika spoke to him, begging for him not to die, to live, even if only to be cursed by her. All he could think was to get her away from there.

“I won’t die. You know I won’t.” He struggled to say. Rika nodded, taking off and running back into the woods.

V held to his wound, his eyes screwed shut. He had to go, he had to get help. Even if the wound wasn’t too deep he knew that he would die if he wasn’t found soon.

He stumbled, trying to walk while clutching himself. His legs wobbled like jello and his entire body ached from pain and his fever. He didn’t stop though, he had to get back to the safehouse. To them, he had to make it back for them.

No grave can hold my body down.

I’ll crawl home to her.

IV. As it Was.

There is a roadway, muddy and foxgloved. V walked it carefully, careful not to slip on the mud and not to bother the flowers. He’d learned very early on that foxgloves were a great way to irritate his skin and make him itch. He adjusted the pack on his back, as he walked, feeling it slipping down his shoulders. Weighed down by his most recent grocery purchase from the nearby town.

He kept his eyes on the road, careful to walk on the edges in case someone was coming behind him. Some people would drive by in cars and he wanted to be out of their way, even on this dirt road drivers got grumpy at people walking in the middle of the pathway.

The cabin he was staying in wasn’t far from here, all he had to do was walk to the fork in the road, and then take the path that would lead him into the forest by the river. After a bit of walking that path he’d find himself back at home. If he’d chosen to take a car or bike he would have been back much faster. Sometimes, though it was nice to walk. Especially when the weather was nice like this, a walk couldn’t do any harm to him. Even if it did put him at light risk of being shouted at by a driver, or getting his boots muddy.

V put a lock of hair behind his ear, it was growing long again. He’d cut it a while ago when he was staying at this last place before he’d moved to this cabin but now it was starting to let too long again. Maybe he’d try and do it himself, avoid the unnecessary trip to the hairdresser in town. His stomach grumbled and he considered what he would prepare for dinner that evening. He’d probably cook with the newest groceries he got, also using some of the old stuff that needed to be used up.

Looking up at the sky the sun was starting to fall, over the mountains in the horizon and the air around him growing a bit cold. He should walk a bit faster, the last part of the walk was always miserable in the dark. Holding onto the straps on his backpack he sped up his pace, being more careful not to slip on the mud. Cleaning muddy boots was one thing, cleaning muddy clothes was another situation entirely to deal with.

The door to his cabin was creaky but he didn’t mind much. It still kept the warmth in and the cold out, and really that’s all it needed to do. He shed off his jacket putting it on the coat hook by the door. Letting his arms rest at his sides his hand brushed against his scar. Where Rika had stabbed him, the wound now healed, the only evidence left behind being the raised skin on his stomach to remind him. He took off his muddy boots, they would probably need to be rinsed and cleaned after dinner. The caked on mud bothered him quite a bit. He’d make his dinner, light a fire in the fireplace and later clean his boots and set in front of the fire to dry.

With dinner made and a crackling fire V ate the soup he’d made himself. The warmth felt good on his cold bones, it wasn’t winter yet but the cold still managed to sink itself into him. He’d set a bowl in front of one of the bedroom doors for his housemate. Though he knew he likely would stay in his room all evening. Still he was quiet when he watched the door open and the bowl get taken inside. As long as he was eating, that’s what mattered most to him.

The fire in the cabin reminded him often of that old safehouse. The memories now were often so fuzzy, but he remembered the sound of the fireplace, the feeling of warmth it gave when he had the chills. The sight of MC leaning over it to add more wood to fuel it. Promising to keep it going for him, her love was unmoved for him. .

Jihyun knew that there would always be a part of Rika in him. She was not someone easy to move on from. Yet he knew his heart no longer belonged to her, her influence no longer loomed over him. She was not his sun, or his moon or stars. To him Rika was nothing symbolic, only a person of his past.

He looked at the desk. The paper and his pen left out, he’d left the cabin today to send them a letter, but was it too soon to write them another one? Even if he didn’t send it now, or ever the feeling still made him feel at peace.

Finishing his meal he sat down at the desk. Looking over the small arrangement of photos and mementos he kept to look at. A photo of the RFA, an old newspaper photo of his mother when she was young, a picture of MC, and a pressed daffodil.

His mind went to Rika often, not as much it might have once but she still lingered in his mind and spirit. She appeared in his nightmares most frequently, but he still sometimes felt a softness towards her. Not necessarily a feeling of love, but one of goodwill. He knew very little about what had happened after he’d left. Only the few little snippets from Jumin who assured him that she was safe and unable to hurt anyone or herself.

Now his mind wandered again, this time to someone different. He found himself thinking about MC. His heart ached for them, for their comfort and presence. The desire to see them was often so strong that he struggled to see past the very moment he was living in. During those times he would take long breaths, try and rest, and remind himself that he’d see them again. Once it was time for him to come back.

First he needed to become his true self. Just as he was when he was born. Before the otherness came, all the strange influences on his life now that he could identify. He thought often of the elixir, the drug. The way it made him feel, and how it made his head fuzzy and his body ache. His mind would move to the dark, the symbol of Rika, and the darkness she always claimed to have inside her. He thought of himself, the light. The opposite of Rika, always lighting up the world around them. Finally he thought of them, the flame, who warmed him when he was cold, and shone so brightly against the darkness.

He wanted that flame, he wanted to be near them again. He still needed time, and in the meantime he could only pray that MC was still waiting for him. He pulled out another piece of paper and began his newest letter to them.

Tell me he wrote, if somehow some of it remains. How long you would wait for me? He wrote his heart into his letter, unloading all the thoughts that were collected in his brain. He wrote about his walk to town today, the muddy walk back. Everything he could think of.

He imagined his return, the way he would come home to them, and then he imagined everything that would happen from there. He imagined a life together, falling in love with them all over again. With his eyes closed he envisioned him sitting next to them, just talking about anything. No worry, no fear, just a feeling of peace and calm.

“Make your good love known to me.” He imagined telling them when he returned. “Or just tell me ‘bout your day.” Both thoughts made him happy and brought such a level of serenity to his soul.

As he finished the note to them, he wasn’t even certain if he would send it, but just the ability to write his thoughts was enough for him. He folded the paper and was careful in putting it into the envelope. He didn’t seal it just yet, he wasn’t ready for that.

Setting the letter down on the table he wrote their name on the front. He pushed the letter aside and opened the journal he kept, the pages were mostly filled with small doodles and thoughts he had. The pages are a sort of dumping ground for his abstract and racing mind. Turning to the last few pages he erased the number that he’d written the night before.

514. How many days since he’d last seen them. V wasn’t sure how much longer it would take before he knew it was time to go home. He had no return date, no plans just yet. However, sitting in that cabin in the woods. He had a good feeling, he wasn’t ready yet but looking back to his first pages in his journal. From when he first left, he knew he had already come a long way.

Just a little bit longer.

Whatever here that’s left of me is yours,

just as it was.

V. Like Real People Do.

Jihyun Kim was packing his bags. He couldn’t keep himself from smiling wide as he folded his clothes and put them into his suitcase. He’d done this so many times over the past two years but this time was different.

This time he was going home.

He’d bought his plane ticket, which he kept tucked in his coat pocket, and this time it wasn’t going to be cancelled. When the sun rose, he would get a car to the airport, and he’d be flying home.

Once his clothes were packed, except for the ones he would wear tomorrow and what he was wearing he moved the suitcase to be by the door. He walked through the cabin, taking it all in. Searching for anything that he might have forgotten or left in corners, but as he walked he seemed to find everything that he needed.

He knew he was going to struggle to sleep, the excitement just being too much for him. Still he knew sleep was what he needed most of all, he had a long flight ahead of him.

He covered himself with his blankets, trying to settle in for the night. Knowing that this would be the last night he’d ever spend in this bed. In his attempts to sleep his mind wandered, he thought of so many things. He thought of his time at the cabin, and all the other places he’d visited over the past two years. He remembered the art museums, the hikes, the small shops and restaurants he’d been to. Each one a memory he liked to return to in his mind. A memory he wanted desperately to tell them everything about.

Jihyun tossed and turned in bed, his mind never able to settle enough to let him fall asleep. After about an hour of struggling Jihyun pulled himself out of bed and to his suitcase, unzipping it just enough to pull out his journal and a pen.

Sitting back down he pulled the blankets back over himself. Sitting up in bed and turning on a light to see. Instinctively he turned to the last page, where the number had been again written and erased with the final number. 729 days. He smiled, knowing that tomorrow morning would be the last time he would rewrite it. He flipped back, the journal pages only empty near the back. Two years worth of drawings and thoughts were in here. It was about time for him to finish off this journal.

Holding the pen in his hand Jihyun started to write, he focused on what he was excited about. Being able to return home, going to the party, seeing his friends again, seeing them again. Finally being able to tell MC how he felt. All of those things made him smile.

MC. Thinking of them he had so many memories come back to him. He kept remembering that safehouse, and the time they spent together there. Leaning back his mind went to his conversation with MC in the forest. Where they’d embraced him, and told him that it was possible for him to start anew, and for him to learn to love himself.

He looked down at his paper, starting a note, full of questions and thoughts he had for MC. The things he worried me may forget if he let himself sleep before writing them down.

I had a thought dear, however scary. About that night the bugs and the dirt.

He wondered often about MC’s life. What had their life been like before he met them? While he never had the thought to ask them it was something he often wondered. What was their life like that they’d accept the offer of a stranger like they did?

Those wonders filled his head, but he wasn’t sure if he could ever ask them. Especially since they’d never asked him about his past either. They’d accepted what bits he told them, but never pushed further. Maybe, that’s what he would need to do with them too,

As strange at it was, thinking back on those days. He realized that maybe he understood MC better than he thought. Maybe they were more alike then they were different.

He finished writing his notes, writing until he’d finished the final pages in the notebook, and until his eyes were starting to close. He closed the journal and set it on the nightstand, his pen on top. Sinking back down into the mattress he closed his eyes, and after one long exhale. He was finally asleep.

Landing in South Korea was one of the greatest feelings Jihyun had ever felt. He hadn’t been in this airport for two years and standing here, he felt good. It was hard to hide his smile as he went through the motions, collecting his bags and waiting for a taxi to take him to where he was staying.

He’d decided to stay at a hotel that night. Even if he felt like a new man he wasn’t quite ready to go back to his old house on the cliffside. There were too many memories there, too much of Rika there. He knew he could handle it, but he didn’t want to deal with it just yet.

The taxi driver passed by the party venue on the way to the hotel. His eyes lingered on the venue as they went by. He knew he was feeling exhausted from the flight but something about knowing that MC was nearby made him excited. For the first time in two years, they were in the same city. Now it was all he could do not to try and find them now. To announce his presence right away, but he couldn’t. He had a plan and he knew waiting would be worth it.

Hours ticked down in his head, he silently counted down the time until the party began. Every second bringing him a little bit closer to when he’d finally be able to walk through those doors. See his friends again, see them again.

Jihyun Kim walked into the party venue. He’d gone in through the back doors, using his old RFA badge to get past the security guards Jumin had placed there. He walked into the party hall, his eyes taking in the decorations, the food being handed out by servers, the champagne flutes, the amount of party guests who chatted and wandered around the hall. He stood still for a moment, just admiring all of it.

His eyes scanned the party guests, until he saw them. Standing alone, watching the guests wander and mingle. His heart jumped at the sight of them, they looked a bit different, two years awas a long time after all. Yet they still had the same smile, the same warmth, and made him feel the exact same way.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment.” He said once he was standing beside them. MC broke into a grin upon his entrance, a look the most beautiful mixture of surprise and joy. “Congratulations, MC.”

“V?” They stuttered out.

“It’s Jihyun Kim now, long time no see.” He said. Staring at them, Jihyun found himself continuing to speak. He told them about his time away, spilling all of his feelings out to them. They listened, taking in his every word with their bright smile. As he spoke he wasn’t even listening to himself, in his mind he remembered those first times he’d met them. Remembering the connection they’d shared together. A connection and understanding that had once felt sad, but now felt joyful.

He hadn’t even realized he’d stopped talking until he heard their voice.

“I love you too, Jihyun.” They said. He stood and watched them, the smile on his face the biggest he could make it. He felt like his heart could beat out of his chest from how happy those words made him. “Jihyun?”

He shook his head to center himself then looked at them again. “I’m okay, I’m just. So, so happy.” He wrapped his arms around them, holding them as close and as tight as he could without hurting them.

“I missed you, so much.” MC said. “I’m so happy you’re back.”

“I’m happy I’m back too.” Jihyun whispered. They released each other but Jihyun moved his hands to cup their face, although he hated thinking about her at that moment. He kept thinking about something Rika had said.

“He didn’t look like the sun… but like a human being. A living and breathing human being.” She’d said, now looking at them he understood. With MC, he wasn’t the sun and they weren’t Icarus. They were human, they were Jihyun and MC.

And they were in love.

Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips.

We should just kiss like real people do.

VI. Jackie and Wilson

Once upon a time there was a boy named Jihyun. Who after a devastating loss hid himself in a disguise he called V. He hid for many years, fighting his true nature to try and find his way through the world. Through a series of traumas he’d disappeared further and further into V. Until he met his angel, who laughed their way through his feeble disguise. Now there was no other version of him he would rather be. Because lord they found him just in time.

The first time Jihyun had met the love of his life, it hadn’t been under the best of circumstances. So now, he felt so blessed that every moment he spent with them felt like a dream come true.

Once his life had been full of metaphors and obsession. The unrelenting worship of the sun, a belief in perfect love. Now, his life was full of real solid things, the sun was just a ball of gas, love was complicated, and messy but so, so worth it. His life was by no means perfect, but it felt real. Even if it wasn’t the picturesque love he’d once dreamed of, he had everything he could ever want, he had his family in the RFA, his passion in his art, and the love of his life to wake up next to every day. He wasn’t sure how life could be much happier.

There were tough moments, even after two years away sometimes things would come up. He’d grown to hate the dark, always needing some kind of light. Certain phrases would put him on edge. Mostly, he struggled with nightmares.

One night he’d woken up in a cold sweat, his heart felt like a jackhammer and tears were slipping down his cheeks. He couldn’t even remember what had happened in his dream, he just knew it was enough to make him feel ill.

He focused on staring at the cactus night light plugged into the wall. He was fine, he was safe, he could see, everything was okay. Right?

“Jihyun?” MC’s muttered. Beside him he felt the blankets shift and MC sit up next to him. “Babey are you alright?” He looked at them, their sleepy eyes focused on him. Although half awake their eyes held concern and worry. Their hand rested on his shoulder. He reached up to hold their hand.

“Just a nightmare.” He said.

“A bad one?”

“I think so.” MC pulled him into their arms. His head resting on their shoulder while one of their hands rubbed his back and the other ran through his hair to soothe him. He took long breaths, his heart slowed to a natural rhythm.

“It’s just a nightmare Jihyun, you’re safe I promise.” He nodded into their shoulder, the feeling of their arms around him and the scene of their body wash keeping him present. “Do you want to talk about it?” Jihyun shook his head.

“No, I’m okay.” Jihyun said. “I think I just want to sleep again.” MC nodded above him, They laid back down and held their arms out to him. Jihyun leaned back resting his chest on their chest while their arms went around him.

MC’s voice was rough but sweet. “I’m right here, I’ll keep you safe.” Jihyun closed his eyes again, the sound of MC’s heartbeat lulling him back into a dreamless sleep.

Speeding down the coastline highway Jihyun drove with all the windows rolled down. The wind tousled Jihyun’s hair and stung at his skin. Out of the corner of his eye he saw MC with their arms out the window, their hair also being messed up from the wind. They didn’t seem to mind, enjoying the cool wind against their skin.

Together they learned they loved roadtrips. Just spending hours with each other in a car heading towards any destination. There was something about them that made Jihyun’s soul feel lighter. Considering his past, he’d never had a chance to travel like this and now he that he could. He couldn’t get enough, but now that was all behind him, his mid youth crisis all said and done. Now these adventures gave him something he needed desperately. He needed to be youthfully felt, cause God he never felt young.

“We should go on an adventure.” Jihyun had said days ago, he sat on the couch with MC leaning against him. Their head on his shoulder and holding gently to his arm.

“What type of adventure?” Jihyun thought for a moment, a puzzle on the bookshelf giving him an idea.

“Let’s go to the beach, it’s been a long time since we last went down there.” MC’s eyes sparkled with excitement and possibility.

They nodded. “Only if we can go to dinner at that one place we went to last time. The food there was incredible.” Jihyun leaned down and kissed their forehead, a smile on his face.

“Of course, anything for you my darling.”

Jihyun parked his car in town. Only a short walking distance away from the beach. Jihyun grabbed his backpack where he kept a few towels and other things for their adventure. Taking the hand of his lover they embarked on their adventure together, both with tender smiles on their faces.

They wandered around the town popping into shops selling novelty jewelry and beach related items. They bought each other small gifts, a keychain, a silly hat, truly anything that reminded them of each other. Each one a small symbol of affection.

The beach was mostly empty that day, the cool breeze rustling their clothes. They both took off their shoes in order to walk through the sand and feel the sand sink in between their toes.

“I can’t believe I forgot my camera.” Jihyun said, searching through his backpack. “I never forget it.” MC laughed, a sound that could always lift his spirits.

“Maybe it’s not a bad thing, just enjoy the moment Jihyun.” He squeezed their hand.

“But what if I want to capture this moment? So that way I can remember it forever and ever?” Jihyun asked. MC stopped walking and turned to look at him. Taking both of his hands in theirs.

“Just memorize it in your mind. And there will be plenty more beach trips in the future.” Jihyun sighed, holding his hands tight.

He closed his eyes and after a deep breath opened them again, like a camera shutter he captured this moment to his memory. His lover with their hair blowing in the wind, eyes locked with his. He captured the feelings of their hands holding his, of the sand on his feet, the way the wind was moving his white shirt. All of it memorized and locked into his memory.

“Let’s keep walking.” MC said. “So that way you can capture more moments.” Pulling his hands they continued their walk on the sand, walking down the beach.

They’d stopped once the sun had started to set. Jihyun laid down a blanket for the two of them to sit on. MC’s back rested against his front. His arms holding him around their waist. They watched the sky as it started to turn a variety of colors, red, orange, pink with dark hues of blue slipping in.

A comfortable silence held between them. Both too captivated by the setting sun to think about much else. After a long while Jihyun spoke.

“MC?” They lifted their head to look at them.

“Yes?”

“Do you think about the future much?” MC raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean the future?”

“Like our future?” MC made an ‘o’ shape with their mouth. They didn’t take very long to answer him.

“All the time.” MC said. Jihyun shifted to hold them a little closer.

“And what do you think about? When it comes to our future?”

MC thought for a minute, trying to sort out all their thoughts. Over time so many of them had piled up it was hard to condense them into any kind of simple answer.

“I imagine a future together. One that’s peaceful, and full of joy. Where we grow old and go on millions of adventures together. A future where the past stays in the past.” MC explained. Jihyun smiled. “I think about our wedding, walking down the aisle. Jumin is the best man, the rest of the RFA in the wedding party.” MC lifted their hand to admire the engagement ring there. A silver band with a blue gem in the center.

Jihyun pressed his face into the crown of their head, lifting it just enough to ask another question.

“Do you see children? In our future?” He asked. MC smiled, staring at the sunset.

“Besides our favorite twins?” MC joked. Jihyun laughed, breathy and warm.

“Besides our first two, do you see children?”

“Yes. Do you?”

“Yes. I do.” Jihyun said, the smile coming out in his tone of voice.

“I see us with two kids, I see one who we adopt. Just like you adopted the twins but maybe more official.” MC laughed. “Then maybe one we create. I imagine a little boy or girl with your hair and maybe my eyes.” They said. “What do you think of that?”

Jihyun grinned. “I love it, I want that future for us.” MC sat up turning around to face Jihyun. They kissed him, their hands resting on his shoulder and neck. Jihyun leaned in to deepen the kiss, his arms on their waist to keep them close.

When MC pulled away they whispered to him. “I love you Jihyun. I can’t wait to have our future together.” Jihyun pulled them in for one more lingering kiss.

When he broke away he stood up, walking towards the ocean. MC stood up too, following a little behind him. Jihyun stopped when the water started to lap at his feet. The sand is cool and hard. With the setting sun lighting his silhouette Jihyun looked like an angel, MC was breathless stopping a little away from him. His eyes gleamed in the light of the setting sun. With a warm smile he reached his hand out to his lover.

“MC.” He said. “I once told you I wanted to paint a future with you.” MC nodded. Remembering that fateful party long ago. “I want to paint that, and I want it to be a painting that is never finished.”

“Me too.” MC said, though their voice was barely audible.

“So, let’s go. Let’s go towards our future.”

With a tender smile MC reached out and took his hand. Stepping to be nearly chest to chest with him.

“Let’s go towards our happy ending.”

We’ll name our children Jackie and Wilson.

Raise ‘em on rhythm and blues.

#mystic messenger #mysme #jihyun kim #kim jihyun #v x mc #jihyun x mc #v #mysme v #mysme jihyun #fanfiction

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fics-not-tragedies · 4 years ago

Text

In a Week: Chapter 14 🌲

It’s a beginning to a quite major break point for this story and I hope you’re still hooked by it somehow.

Words: 3054; Warnings: none, unless you want another warning for smoking then you have it; Summary: Andrew surprises Flo by showing her one quite magical place.

Hozier tag list:

@letoursilencebreaktonight; @angelpeachamber; @sgt-morgan; @julessbrown;

Monday, 11pm

Flo felt Andrew’s hand press against the small of her back to guide her out of the restaurant. There was a slight gape in the fabric at the back of her dress and his palm conveniently found that spot, fingers brushing against her silken skin. The heat from his hand made her skin tingle and she looked away bashfully, hoping it wasn’t too obvious. Up until this very moment she made some accusatory comment about him touching her like that purely as a defense mechanism, but she couldn’t bring herself to quip at him for fear he’d move his hand away from her and never touch her again. She also noticed the way people were looking at her when she was this close to him, probably assuming like everyone else in the hotel had that they were a couple, their walk out of the restaurant drawing all of the attention. She quickly blamed it on her drunken haze, but there was something she found undeniably quite exciting about that.

Now out of the restaurant, they stepped out into the seemingly never ending corridor. With only a few steps, the cushion carpet was already proving a struggle for her heeled feet and it didn’t help that she was wobbling a little from the alcohol she’d consumed at dinner. Noticing her struggle, Andrew took his hand from where it was nestled against her lower back and enveloped hers to pull her along like it was natural now. Neither of them were slightly fazed by it.

“Where are we going?” She sighed.

“It’s a surprise” he replied, eyes shining wildly under the yellow bulbs on the walls, “Please be patient, love.”

“I don’t do surprises” she pouted.

Music was playing in the corridor, something with a beat that Andrew had definitely heard and if Flo hadn’t she was at least pretending to, trying to dance even when she walked, her rhythm completely off balance, mouthing the lyrics a little sloppily.

“Lightweight…” Andrew laughed under his breath, loud enough so that she could definitely hear.

“I am not!” She replied instantly, looking to her side at him, fire in her eyes.

“So you’re not drunk, Flo?” He asked, scrunching his nose up at her.

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, show me a proof that you’re not.”

She stopped walking for a second, waiting for inspiration to strike her. Andrew chuckled at the way she scrunched her face up in thought. She was clutching at his hand and squeezed it at her light-bulb moment, overjoyed she thought of something at last.

“I can do a cartwheel…” she announced proudly, giggling, swaying her shoulders as she spoke.

“You can?”

“Mhm…” she said, nodding quickly and confidently.

“Prove it” he chuckled, raising one eyebrow at her. She looked down at their entwined hands just as Andrew let go.

“Alright, hang on…” Flo lifted her feet to slip off her heels, handing them to Andrew to hold on to. He took them and her clutch graciously and looped the straps at the back around two of his fingers, swinging them as he stepped back to make room for her acrobatic performance. She painted her toenails a sparkly purple that made Andrew think of deep space. His eyes drifted shamelessly from her feet all the way up her legs, across her thighs and over the curve of her ass as he watched her mentally prepare for her trick. He hadn’t considered himself drunk until this moment.

Flo stretched her arms like a mock athlete, focused too much on that to even see Andrew observing her. He settled his gaze a little further up now, wanting to kiss along the smooth skin of her neck, delighted by the little twitches in her face as she thought, the dimple in her left cheek, the way she flicked her hair over her shoulder a little dramatically. The music thudded still, the second chorus of the song that was playing booming over the speakers. She took a deep breath, cursing the reckless bravery she always found to impress him because she hadn’t done a cartwheel in years and was frankly unsure she’d be able to do it now. Then, without warning, Flo suddenly lunged out to the side, kicking off the ground, her legs wide in the air, almost flashing Andrew from the way her dress had moved, but it was too quick of a descent for that opportunity to arise. She landed well, if a little wobbly, on her feet, then threw her arms up triumphantly.

Andrew clapped her joyously, with as much energy and volume as he could whilst still holding her shoes.

“Well, now I’m more impressed than I already was” Flo beamed foolishly and took a mock bow, unsure why something so stupid had made her so happy, “Are you alright, love?” He questioned as she staggered back towards him, struggling to put one foot in front of the other.

“Yep. I feel fine. Great actually. Bit dizzy though.”

Andrew steadied her with two strong hands on her shoulders, the heels wrapped around his fingers knocking a little against her back.

“Look at me” he mumbled, tilting her chin upward and bringing her face close to his, waiting for her eyes to focus, trying to check more than anything that she was okay.

“Aren’t you drunk, Andrew?” She purred, tilting her head and licking her lips as she spoke. Andrew chuckled thickly and pulled away when she seemed stable enough.

“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not… Maybe you’ll never know.”

“I think you are” she giggled, stepping ahead of him and continuing down the corridor, enjoying the new song that just began to play.

Andrew focused on steadying himself, giddy on merely the idea of her. He was enchanted by her new found happiness, the burning, bright passion for life he helped install in her. He found himself in awe of her childish giggling, the way she threw her head back laughing like everything was exciting and utterly hilarious. He couldn’t help but lose his mind at the angle of her hips as she pranced down the corridor a couple of feet ahead of him.

And that’s when he heard it. A song. His song.

The pace of his walk slowed dramatically, face dropping, rigid with panic, but Flo had barely noticed, tipsily wiggling to the thudding music. She was spinning her arms around wildly, her dress hitching up further than she’d have liked at the back when she did, her hair swaying as she bounced with the sound of the bass. And after only four paralyzing seconds, his own voice echoed from the speakers like a curse.

“Honey, this club here is stuck up

Dinner and diatribes

I knew well from our first hookup

The look of mischief in your eyes”

“I like this song” she proclaimed, her hips swaying intoxicatingly to the music. Andrew licked his lips. He was dreaming, had surely lost his mind. But here she was, the woman of his dreams, singing and dancing drunkenly to one of his songs, with absolutely no idea who he was, “Thaaaaat’s the kind oof looooooove…” she sang under her breath.

As he watched her, he toyed with the possibilities in his mind, how to break it to her, whether he should be direct or gentle with it and if he was going to break the dreaded news, what he could possibly say to justify hiding the truth for so long. He realized just how much of a sign this was, his own music playing at that specific moment and he was washed over with the realization than he was more than ready to share everything with her now. Her kind eyes and heart of gold were too pure to conceal himself for another second.

“This is my song” he mumbled, at last, his throat dry.

“What?!” She exclaimed, her dance coming to an end, much to his dismay. She turned back to him with a ferocity. Her eyes were wide, her mouth open and he loved the way her hair was still swinging to the beat, a life of its own entirely.

“This is my song” he repeated, swallowing nervously. It was the moment he dreaded, had re-enacted a million times over in his head in a million torturous ways, but here she was all bright eyed, grinning uncontrollably, no reservation or negativity in the way she looked at him.

“Andy!” She shrieked, storming forward and throwing her arms around him, enveloping him in a warm embrace, her fingers tugging at the collar of his shirt as she pulled away. She mock swatted him in the chest, “You prick! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well I told you I’m Andrew Hozier Byrne, so…” he grumbled, unnerved by his own voice echoing around them, “I didn’t wanted to dip deeper into it, so em, you wouldn’t change your opinion about me…”

“Why would I change my opinion?” She asked only partially offended, “I think it’s fantastic! I want to hear all about it!” Andrew shook his head at her like he couldn’t quite believe she was real.

“So yeah, I’m that Hozier…”

“Hozier…” she repeated after him, humming the song still with a sense of familiarity. “I knew I’d seen your face somewhere. I’m just rubbish with celebrity stuff.”

“Oh, bloody hell” he groaned, realizing her fingers were still on his collar, “Please don’t call me that way.”

“What?”

“Don’t call me a celebrity.”

“Alright, alright” she mumbled, letting go of his shirt at last and turning back to his side to walk with her.

“Oh, let there be hotel complaints and grievances raised

And that kind of love

(That’s the kind of love

That's the kind of love

That's the kind of love)

Oh, let there be damage ensued and tabloid news

And that kind of love…”

“So you’re proper famous?”

“Define ‘proper famous’…”

“You know, rich and successful alternative rock God...” she began, pursuing her lips, “lots of girlfriends, lots of sex. Drugs. Messy parties and trashed hotel rooms. Oooooh! Is your hotel room trashed? Can I see?”

“No my hotel room isn’t trashed” he grumbled, rolling his eyes at her. He held on to her hip with his free hand as they walked side by side, slowly.

“But everything else was true?”

“And I don’t have loads of girls, em, we already had that conversation…”

“I’m just teasing you” Flo sighed, sensing his irritation, reaching up to pat his cheek affectionately. He smiled back, her soft fingertips soothing him a little.

Dinner & Diatribes stopped playing and something else started, something mellow which made most of Andrew’s built up tension fade. He noted how nothing had really changed, how she hadn’t shunned him or said anything to suggest she was disappointed in him for keeping his secret. He couldn’t help, but hurry after her.

Monday, 11:05pm

Flo had reached the end of the corridor now, a dead end with nothing but a window. She looked over her shoulder, confused, as if to ask Andrew where she was supposed to turn now.

“We’re here…” he announced still pacing towards her.

“What do you mean we’re here?”

Outside the window Flo could make out a few buildings in the distance and a dark sky, speckled with a few stars which had decided to show themselves at last. There were some metal steps with a twisted railing and as she put the pieces together, she looked back at Andrew again, regarding him as if he were crazy. Andrew tiptoed around her, placed her shoes down for a moment and with one confident movement clicked and slid the window open wide, holding it with a suggestive grin. There was a slight breeze which swept Flo’s hair back and made her blink a couple of times.

“We’re going up.”

“Yes, but after we die… not right now.”

“Yes, we are.”

“For fuck sakes” she muttered, peering further out into the dark fearfully. “Have you been up there before? Is it safe? Are the stairs old? Am I going to fall and die?”

“Yes, yes, yes, no” he countered, answering her questions as quickly as possible, entertained by her predictable overthinking, “C’mon, do this for me, please?”

She grimaced at him, still unsure, then rolled her eyes and stepped closer to the window to check whether or not she trusted the stairs. It was the excitement on his face and the idea of never knowing what might’ve happened - she couldn’t help herself.

“Where does this lead to then?”

“You’ll see…” he mumbled with a teasing shrug, “I’m not going to spoil you all the fun. Are you curious now?”

“Yeah…” she sighed, biting her lip as she stared out of the window dubiously, simultaneously hating and loving how well he could read her, “Fine, I’ll do it.”

Andrew grinned at her appreciatively and stepped out of her way, holding the sticky window frame up.

“I’m right behind you, love…”

Flo tried to process how she was going to be elegant, her dress too short for much decency and he chuckled watching her try to pull it down as far as she could. She bent down and straddled the window, throwing one leg outside of the frame, her bare foot already cold. A couple of strands of hair were falling over his forehead into his eyes and he was struggling to see through them properly. Without processing it first, she slicked them back for him and he smiled in a far off, dreamy way.

Needing to distract herself, quickly, she swung the other leg out and stood up, pulling her dress back down again. She tested the steps with one foot, relieved when they didn’t shudder under her weight and began to walk up them, taking her time, focused on putting her steps in the right place. She was too intoxicated for this. Andy picked up her shoes and began to copy her exact movements, throwing one leg over the window ledge uncomfortably.

“Andrew?” She called after only a second, turning back to him before she disappeared out of view. She sounded frantic and panicked as if she had been suddenly struck with something important. He was closer to her than she’d imagined when she spun back to him, leaning halfway out of the window, faces only inches apart.

“Yes, love?” He replied, unblinking. She tried not to look at his lips.

“I uh - I just want you to know that you don’t have to justify or explain anything to me. I liked you before I knew who you were and that’s not gonna change” she gave him her best reassuring smile, the stain her lipstick had left making her teeth dazzle under the starlight.

“Thank you, Flo” he almost whispered.

Satisfied, she turned around and started climbing again. Her hands were visibly shaking as she clutched at the rail. Shaken himself by her words, Andrew dropped the widow closed behind him and making sure it didn’t lock behind them, got to his feet, following her up.

“I know you’re staring at my ass” she stated when she heard the meal clang below her, wiggling her hips enticingly.

“That’s pure torture…” he grumbled, trying to divert his gaze.

Monday, 11:10pm

Once Flo was at the top, she took a big step out onto what she quickly realized was the roof of the hotel. The air felt thicker somehow, like velvet and she stumbled forward and took in the picture directly above her. The sky was a deep midnight blue that could have almost been black. Every corner of the canvas as far as she could see was pricked with dots and splatters of white light from the stars, all part of bigger constellations, weaving in and out of each other. The moon was a perfect crescent, high above them and she laughed at how incredible it was, having never seen a sky this dramatic.

Andrew was completely still, watching her with her head tilted back, laughing at the sky like it meant more to her than she could’ve put into words. He smirked as she turned around, her features lit in moonlight.

“I’ve never seen the sky this clear before” she announced, “The stars look so different here, you can see everything…”

“The light pollution is non existent here…” he replied, struggling to think of something better to say. He should’ve rehearsed. He was so lost. He pointed to the buildings in the distance, “it’s all because outside of town.”

“Right” she said, nodding, an equally challenging smirk pulling through her lips. “Does your light pollution line work on all the girls?”

“Only you, so far” he grinned.

The floor was patio-ed leading up to a small gazebo area with a couple of fluorescent string lights. A bench was pushed against the wall and there was an open door leading presumably back down into the hotel. Flo noticed that and turned back to Andrew.

“You mean to tell me that I didn’t have to climb up those shitty fire escape steps? I could’ve come through an actual door?”

“Where’s the fun in that?” He asked.

“How did you even find this place?”

Andrew crossed to the bench, putting down her shoes, “Got bored before you showed up yesterday and I just went exploring.”

“It’s really pretty up here” she whispered, her voice sounding a little tipsy as it came out. “Do you think anyone knows this place exists?”

“I bet the staff does, but it seems like, em, no one has really been up here in a long time” Flo nodded, biting her lip, “Would you mind if I have a smoke?”

“Go on then…” she replied with a shrug.

Andrew lit up quickly, standing in a position so that the wind would blow the smoke away from her rather than into her face. The stars shone behind him and illuminated his eyes, the stray strands of hair dropping into his eyes again. The collar of his white shirt was slightly crinkled by her hands. He exhaled and watched the grey wispiness disappear into the air again, scratching his nose, unaware of how intensely she was watching him now. She never got bored of watching him, the way he made everything look so effortless, like an art form.

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