#also guys i'm in an extra good mood and in an extra doctor who mood ANNNND it's the beginning of the month

[angelesca]

𝙬𝙚𝙡𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙮 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙨𝙝 𝙙𝙪𝙢𝙥¬!

source: no home/homeless by wanan

currently, i am mostly posting fanfics of my fav stuff, plus fanart here and there. basically i'm just sharing my love for fictional characters with everyone hihihi this masterlist will update as i write more, so stay tuned!

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭!

ig my only warning for this blog is that i will literally write whatever which may include nsfw (will have warnings on them, so read at your own risk!). and haunted house au. and detective agency au. and also trucks. and npc game system au. and gut-wrenching angst. literally whatever im in the mood for, so its like a bag of full of surprises. sorry guys lol. for my "x reader" fics, i aim to write a gender neutral reader !unless specified!

for any new followers or those stopping by, i have given my fics "awards" which are basically recommendations for what to read (bc a lot of my older works suck poo):

[⭐ 'beginner's recc!' award] - a good intro to my writing/easy to read!

[❤️"readers' pick!" award] - (what i assume to be) readers' fav!

[👑'most popular!' award] - has the most likes/notes!

[🧸 "angelesca's current fav!" award] - my current fav! (if anyone cares lol)

[🎀 "the new guy!" award] - my most recent writing!

𝙡𝙚����'𝙨 𝙜𝙤 𝙙𝙪𝙢𝙥𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙙𝙞𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜~!

𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌, 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒏𝒌𝒂𝒊 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓 𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒍! ˚☽˚.⋆

100 𝓯𝓸𝓵𝓵𝓸𝔀𝓮𝓻𝓼 𝓼𝓹𝓮𝓬𝓲𝓪𝓵! ♡ (˘▽˘>ԅ( ˘⌣˘) >>> poll my assassin is so bad at his job, everyone thinks he's my guardian angel (blade x gnreader) [title stc] [current wip!] [+cover art] . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁𝒊𝒔𝒆𝒌𝒂𝒊 𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒗𝒐𝒍𝒖𝒎𝒆𝒔! (all equipped with cover art!) . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . [vol.1] (sunday) i got isekai'd into the dreamscape but... i'm just a truck driver?! [vol.2] (phainon) i want to live quietly as an npc! [❤️"readers' pick!" award] [👑'most popular!' award] --------------super secret epilogue... [vol.3] ... wip! . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁various | seasonal . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁ 🎃 the great encounters of xianzhou luofu's haunted house [⭐ 'beginner's recc!' award] •• extras for haunted house 🌹 who's your 2025 valentine's? personality quiz!

˚☽˚.⋆ sunday • sunday is incapable of washing his hands pt. 1 | pt. 2 • for who did the sinner turn to for solace? • vows are not meant to be exchanged with the devil • the stars will bend so that we can find each other again ˚☽˚.⋆ aventurine • come make a fun bet with aventurine (come, come) ˚☽˚.⋆ anaxa • x, the wheel of fortune [🧸 "angelesca's current fav!" award] • dating headcanons (nsfw) [🎀 "the new guy!" award]

𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐭! ˚☽˚.⋆

˚☽˚.⋆ various • teyvat's sleuth operatives ˚☽˚.⋆ childe • childe is kinda obsessed with you

𝐰𝐨𝐰! 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐭! ˚☽˚.⋆

anaxa fanart

sunday fanart

while you're here, why not take a few seconds to support these causes?

arab.org - help support Palestinians, including education and security for women and children, poverty, and more!

it was estimated that there are about 41,000 fatalities as of now (Farge & Al-Mughrabi, 2024). yet, there are inevitably victims who were not found. this alludes to the count being higher, which is horrifying to imagine. every bit will help save many futures from this unjust ending.

plus, it's free! every click is converted to one lebanese lira (very cool!):

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other causes include supporting women following the devastation of the Iraq War, which Iraq has been recovering from since 2003 (Instability in Iraq | Global Conflict Tracker, 2024).

and many more! go check out the website! donations go towards feeding, clothing, shelters and ensuring security for women in need!!:

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they are 100% reliant on donations as they are independent, so donations are crucial considering the hard work and expenses needed for medical aid! and are especially critical to tackling rising casualties!:

Save the Children - help support children in over 100 countries, including Ukraine (who are still at war against Russia), Lebanon, Gaza, and many, many more!!

children are the most vulnerable, yet many are forced to grow up quickly and abandon their dreams. your donations can rekindle these opportunities for children, investing in education, food, and aiding mothers in childbirth!:

spread the word!!! awareness is important for acknowledging the existence of these issues so that the victims and civilians are not forgotten or ignored.

thanks for reading all the way here! just by doing this, you are helping to raise awareness!

sources: - Farge, E., & Al-Mughrabi, N. (2024, October 1). Gaza death toll: how many Palestinians has Israel’s campaign killed? Reuters. https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/gaza-death-toll-how-many-palestinians-has-israels-campaign-killed-2024-07-25/ - Instability in Iraq | Global Conflict Tracker. (2024, Feb 13). Global Conflict Tracker. https://www.cfr.org/global-conflict-tracker/conflict/political-instability-iraq - War Child UK - A safe future for every child living through war. (2024, August 28). War Child. https://www.warchild.org.uk/

[friedfriedchicken]

Hello fellow WFC Breaksounder may I please ask for your head-canons of them 🙏

OHHH YOU GOT IT BESTIE- I'm writing a fic right now but I'm in writer's block so this is gonna be fun letsgooo

Gonna keep this fluffy because I'm in a fluffy mood (<- person who just posted an angsty fic)

I wrote a ton of like- story points- so I'm stuffing it under a read more because uhhhh that's long whoops

Headcanons on how they met because I'm a yapperrrr and I've barely had anyone to yap to about them <3

Soundwave and Breakdown first met during the war. It was by chance that Megatron brought both of them on the train-station-thingy mission but he needed a trusted officer and a good soldier who wound't yap (WFC Breakdown is a yapper but he wouldn't dare say anything that would get him on Megatron's bad side.)

Their first encounter stuck with Soundwave. He's not sure why but something irritating about Breakdown made him smile, or whatever equivalent he had.

Megatron, being old friends with Soundwave, could tell that his Intelligence Officer was comfortable and let his old-self peak through. Whether it was concious or subconcious, that's for Primus to decide. Breakdown really enjoyed being brought into this weird friendgroup for like, 6 hours, or something.

Breakdown and Soundwave wouldn't cross paths again until Breakdown and Knock Out were summoned to the Nemesis.

By this point, Breakdown has mostly gotten over his anxiety, being the character we know him as in Prime, which Soundwave found odd. Soundwave never bothered to keep close tabs on Breakdown because what problems would he cause anyways? Not enough to be a threat, that's for sure.

Anyways, they don't say much to eachother, they're just two Decepticons on the same ship.

That is, until Breakdown was taken by M.E.C.H. and dissected.

Soundwave suffered a similar, even more grevious injury, during the height of the war and felt like he had to help the wounded bot. Also Knock Out was out racing because who knew Jasper, Nevada had such great street races!?

So that put Soundwave in the position to patch Breakdown up. Breakdown was scared at first (who wouldn't be when Megatron's right hand bot is staring you down?) but when he figured out what Soundwave was doing, accepted the help.

Soundwave is a smart 'con and like any good doctor, started to observe Breakdown to make sure his body adjusted to the patch job. It's during this that Soundwave began to feel some odd emotions. Not the same irritations but, something else. He couldn't describe it but he wanted to know more about the blue-grey truck.

Breakdown took notice of Soundwave's sudden attention and took this as a sign to start opening up to the silent bot. Breakdown, as always, was a yapper and liked to befriend the Vehicons onboard the Nemesis because all the other officers were less than friendly or Knock Out. Talking to the same guy over and over again can get boring, as much as you like them.

Knock Out became suspicious of Soundwave but quickly deduced what was going on and started to play matchmaker between his friend and the Intelligence Officer.

And normal relationship headcanons because I am obsessed with these two

Their love language is gift-giving and acts of service. Breakdown has an interest in Earth with how different it is from Cybertron and likes to bring back little presents for Soundwave. Soundwave returns the love by grooming Breakdown, as taught by Knock Out lol. You can tell the two just had a date when Breakdown looks extra shiny and/or Soundwave is trying to adapt some Earth tech into the Nemesis' systems.

Soundwave doesn't like to leave the Nemesis because standing on Earth makes him feel cramped and lost so the pair don't often go on dates outside of the ship but when they do, Breakdown tries to find places similar to Cybertron to comfort Soundwave. They've been to a few drive-in theaters, courtesy of Knock Out, of course.

Sometimes Soundwave sends Laserbeak out on missions with Breakdown for "insurance" but in reality, Laserbeak is also in on the pairing-up. Laserbeak also likes to take pictures of Breakdown just for Soundwave along with actively making sure the Decepticons have footage of whatever's going on just incase something happens.

Megatron absolutely can not fathom why Soundwave had suddenly become interested in Breakdown. The warlord suspects that Soundwave misses the gladiatorial arena and is trying to scope out a new rival to re-enact the old days with so Megatron is a little worried he might have infighting among his soldiers. As long as Soundwave is functioning, Megatron won't step in but, y'know. He hopes it's nothing bad.

Starscream is oblivious to the on-goings behind him.

Airachnid also takes notice in the pair's chemistry but says nothing. It's not her place to talk and she wouldn't gain anything if she did besides look like a crazy conspiracy theorist.

Dreadwing sees Breakdown's and Soundwave's closeness but never thinks too deep into it until after Breakdown's death.

The Autobots never find out about Soundwave and Breakdown's courting.

Both Soundwave and Breakdown come to think their love for the other is one-sided until Knock Out has to break the glass between them. He's very blunt and even a little rude about it but he's just so fed up with them dancing around eachother and never with eachother that he just had to burst in. Laserbeak doesn't react well to this and gets embarrassed on Soundwave's behalf. They all sort out their emotions later and things go smoothly.

Breakdown hoped to fix his broken eye after the war ends but goes back on that thought when he realizes that he'd much rather match Soundwave. Maybe he can get a visor like Soundwave's to cover his missing eye!

Soundwave wanted to finally retire after the war but he starts opening himself up to other possibilities after starting a relationship with Breakdown. He'd be fine doing anything as long as it's with his partner and minicon.

When she's bored, Miko will start making up nonsense lore for the Decepticons to get the Autobots' attention. Her favorite is suggesting that Breakdown and Soundwave have a fairytale Shakespearean tragedy K-drama-esque romance going on between them and it really peeves a majority of Team Prime. Hence why it's her favorite nonsense lore. Even Agent Fowler gets heavily confused and concerned for Miko's well-being.

[analyzing-people-like-hell]

saw your recent post in the sanders sides tag - here goes:

Some of these are more fun-to-watch than relates-to-me, but I figure listing ‘em all will give you more to work with.

Listed in alphabetical order, except as needed to group sources together.

Alastor, Hazbin Hotel (show)

- He’s charming, confident, very good in his chosen field, and also happens to be AroAce. He appreciates jokes, but can also be intimidating.

Cayde-6, Destiny (game)

- Quick wit, quick shot. Always fun to hear his dialogue during missions and strikes. The kinda guy you’d go to for a good story (or if you’re lookin’ for extra paperwork to do).

Crow, Destiny (game)

- Good guy, interesting situation (read: tragic backstory). Not exactly doomed-by-the-narrative, but…

The Doctor (10th), Doctor Who (show)

- Honestly, not sure why. He’s just fun to watch. (Also, he has a very distinct/memorable way of phrasing things)

Data, Star Trek: The Next Generation (show)

- Yes, I’m Autistic; How’d you guess? (/j) Honestly though, having a discussion with him about humanity/social behaviors/other things would be SO interesting!

Odo, Star Trek: Deep Space 9 (show)

- If Odo and I were in the same room, I don’t think there’d be much talking. But, in a two-introverts-who-got-dragged-to-the-same-party-and-are-avoiding-the-humans-together kind of way. Companionable silence.

Spock, Star Trek: The Original Series (show)

- He’s just cool. (also a HUGE childhood influence towards logical thinking)

Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly (show)

- Protective of his crew, “Has a conscience, and hates it,” no-nonsense, practical thinker, quick wit, stubborn.

Simon Tam, Firefly (show)

- Very good at what he does (doctor), smart, stands by what he believes in (“when you’re on my table, you’re safe”), and who he cares about (his sister).

River Tam, Firefly (show)

- …River is a mood. Specifically, a “leave me alone, I can’t talk now, my brain is full of bees” mood.

Seth, Lost Terminal (podcast)

- He’s an AI who used to live in a satellite, and made his way down to a post-collapse Earth so he could talk to people. He often mentions the intricacies and confusing nuances of human communication, his distrust of plants and salt, and the fact that humans are quite fond of bread and beer.

Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5 (show)

- “No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There’s always a boom tomorrow.”

Michael Garibaldi, Babylon 5 (show)

- If any of the main cast could’ve broken the fourth wall, it would have been him. I don’t know what that says about his character, but it feels right.

Virgil Sanders, Sanders Sides (YouTube series)

- He’s the personification of (Thomas’) Anxiety, but he can be quite brave when he needs to be. When he’s under pressure/more anxious/needs to be listened to, he’ll act more abrasive, but he has a softer side (heh side) he shows when safe. He’s also the secondary brain cell holder of the main cast.

Logan Sanders, Sanders Sides (YouTube series)

- The brain cell (/pos). Also seems to be going through… gifted-kid-burnout-angst-stuff, for lack of a better term. Also nicknamed the Mom of the group, though someone pointed out that he didn’t choose that title for himself, which I thought was interesting.

Janus Sanders, Sanders Sides (YouTube series)

- I think you already saw him in another ask, so I’ll be brief: “You’re not stuck with an ‘evil snake boy.’ *pose* You’re just stuck with a snake boy.”

…After typing this all out, I’ve noticed that most of these fall into one of three categories:

~Autism~ TM (/pos)

Competent, might be an asshole

Protecc/Attacc

I don’t know what that means, but it’s kinda funny.

Have fun!

ANALYSIS #4: 06/11/24

It's about time I start getting around to all these new test subjects. I apologize for the wait, but I'm more than ready to see what you have in store for me here, #4.

I'm not familiar with the majority of these characters, so this could very much be a hit or miss analysis.... Your descriptions definitely aided me a lot, so thank you for that. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if this ends up being accurate at all...

Why don't we see if I got your backstory right first? It's where everything originates, after all.

"LORE":

You seem to be an observer in this game of life. I feel like you've spent a large part of your existence on the outskirts of everything, and the times you have joined the outside world were never completely of your own volition.... You don't feel like you particularly fit in as a "human", yet at the same time everything you feel is all too human. I can imagine it gets pretty overwhelming, and you've probably gotten a lot of heat for it in your younger years. Maybe you didn't have many friends growing up, and the ones you did have probably didn't live up to your expectations of what "friendship" was supposed to be. Maybe you've had friends that took advantage of you and it didn't even click until the damage was already done, or you stuck it out because.. that's what friendship's supposed to be about, right? Maybe you were just left out in general, always the second option unless they needed something out of you. Who knows. There could be a lot variations of what happened in your childhood regarding relationships, but I'm guessing they didn't always make much sense to you. It's probably why you stay on the outskirts so much. If the world won't let you experience humanity for yourself, you can at least watch humanity from afar.

I have a feeling your home life wasn't all that great? It wasn't particularly terrible-- you're grateful for what you were given-- but you wish there were things that were done differently. I think this also plays into the whole "disconnect from people" bit. Maybe they cared for you, but it was clear they didn't understand you, and it can be a little hard to be grateful when somebody's care is always... a little off? If that's the case, I bet it probably feels worse knowing that you can't really blame them for not understanding. Things are probably better now as you've grown, but there are things that still sting just a bit. Also for some reason I think you were homeschooled.... No reason why, it just came to mind, and I've learned trusting my gut makes my analyses more accurate. I'd like to see if that ends up being true.

Another thing that my gut keeps telling me is that the tism is strong in this one. You've already confirmed that, but I specifically feel like (i'm assuming you're diagnosed based on how you phrased "yes, i'm autistic") you were either diagnosed at a pretty early age or you were late diagnosed (probably because of icky-ew gendered stereotypes in medical fields) and it explained a whole hell of a lot of your childhood, to the point where you're surprised you weren't diagnosed way earlier in life. Heavily leaning to the latter, by the way, but the first still has a 5 to 15% chance of standing. Either way, it depicts why you'd feel such a heavy disconnect from the people around you. It's as if everyone was given a script to life, meanwhile you're forced to improv it the whole way through. Do you see life as a game? How much time have you dedicated to perfecting your skills, believing that perfecting them would be the key to winning these petty social games? Are you sure you're not still lost? Just some food for thought.

Anyways, with that all in mind, let's see what really goes on inside that head of yours...

THE TRUTH:

You still resent the world in a way, don't you? I can't shake the thought that there's still a resentment buried inside you that's been bubbling for a while. Maybe it's lessened a bit, but you can still feel it resurface every now and then. It's as if sometimes a reminder will come your way and it's another crack added to that bottle you've been storing all your emotions in. Like another poke at the confines will unleash everything you've been working on trying to maintain. I don't think it's spilled over yet, but I think we both know it's certainly not far from tipping over. You surprise even yourself with how much you've managed so far.

Part of you has lost your vulnerability. I'm not sure when or how, but I think it goes back to that disconnect from people. I don't think you've met anybody who's completely understood you yet, which has probably led to constant misunderstanding from everyone else. That kind of persistent detachment is bound to make anyone lose parts of themselves. If that's what happened, I'm sorry they took that part away from you. You deserved to be yourself without being shot down over and over, you still deserve that. It really is a shame that the world is too blind to see the beautiful depth in your soul. Complexity is never a flaw. Complexity is rarely even "complex". The world just needs to learn how to appreciate you at your core, and I truly hope they're able to see that in you soon. 

In fact, why don't I detail some of the complex beauty that I can pinpoint? If the world can't see it, then it only makes sense if I spell it out for them.

YOUR BEST TRAITS:

You're very attentive. You also seem to have some pretty good wit. That not only makes you a really great analyst, but I think it'd make you a pretty great comforter too. You're able to analyze and recognize patterns in people, and you seem to still hold a great appreciation for people despite how isolated people have made you feel. Despite always feeling like an outcast, there's still a part of you that cares. Those are qualities that truly great comforters have. However, with how confusing relationships with other people can be sometimes, I can also see why that would hinder your ability for it and turn you away. Nevertheless, the foundation is still strong. You're still strong. Use that to your advantage. Take back the life that you deserved. Show them that you are not the painting they've made of you.

I just feel like you're really funny for some reason, and probably pretty chill while still being able to stand your own ground and opinions. That's a highly respectable mix of traits to have, at least in my eyes. You also for some reason remind me of that main guy from Magnus Archives. I've never listened to Magnus Archives though. All of the information I know about that podcast has come from random clips I've stumbled upon and rants from my friends who are into it. But from the information I have on him, I view him as a weird little autistic guy who's always a little tired, a little witty, maybe a little too obsessed with analyzing sometimes, also probably on the aroace spectrum. However, he's also a hard worker who-- when he cares about people-- he really cares about them, and if he likes you then you could probably drag him just about anywhere (even if he grumbles the whole way through). Now I have zero clue if any of that is true to his character, but I feel like it could maybe fit yours, and I at least think people like that are a pretty special find. 

Also, you're just a wee little guy. A little snake boi even.

And with that, I think I'll leave my thoughts here and take my bow.

With utmost gratitude (and hopefully utmost accuracy),

Dr. WZ

[silver138]

Perfectly Flawed - Chapter 3

word count - 1.4k

warnings - cursing, bad flirting attempt?

Summary: Lina (tries) to flirt.

Waking up before my alarm for a change, I get out of bed take a shower, and dress. After putting on my makeup and straightening my hair, I grab the first two books of The Dresden Files and toss them into my bag. "You're up early. You that excited for work, Lina?" I turn and see Val in the doorway to her room, yawning and scratching her head. I just shrug and smile at her. "If you give me, like, 20 minutes, I can take you to work today..." she starts, turning around to walk back into her room.

"Ah, no, that's ok! I-I don't mind taking the metro! It-it's...kinda nice..." I say quickly. She stops and turns around, walking towards me with a smirk on her face.

"OK, spill it, who is he?" she says, leaning against the kitchen counter.

"I-I don't know what you mean, Vallie. Can't I just be in a good mood...and-and want to take public transportation? OK, yeah, that sounded lame, even to me..." I mutter.

She raises her eyebrows and says, "Well, I'm glad you realize what you said was bullshit. Anyway, the guy?"

"I-I...why do you think I like someone? Isn't it possible I've just made a bunch of friends, and that's why I'm excited?" I offer.

She snorts and says, "While I know you're a fuckin' ray of sunshine, this is exactly how you act every time you get a crush. You did it with Carl, you did it with Jim..."

"And they weren't interested and became my friends, so..." I counter.

"Uh-huh. Sure. Well, who's the new 'friend', then?" she says.

I sigh and say, "Spencer Reid. Um, Doctor Spencer Reid."

She walks over and nudges my shoulder with hers, "Hey, hey, a doctor, huh? ...Wait, a doctor works with the feds?" she asks.

I nod, saying "Yeah, he's got, like, 3 PhDs. I'm not sure in what yet, I could probably ask him when I see him..."

She raises her eyebrows and nudges me again. "So, what does this Doctor Spencer Reid look like? He cute?" she says, walking back to the counter.

I give a shy smile and say, "I-um, yeah, I think so, at least. Definitely my type..."

Val nods and says with a smile, "Ah, gotcha. Scrawny and tall."

I huff and say, "I wouldn't say scrawny. Slender, maybe..."

Val hums and says, "Mmm, well, if I know you, you're off to buy something for breakfast, getting two so you can say they 'accidentally' gave you an extra one and offering it to him. Oh, or are you lending him something to borrow?"

I open my mouth to protest, but she just gives me a look, and I look down as I put my shoes on and say, "Um, both. I'm also lending him books to read."

"Wow, going in with both barrels, you are smitten, huh Lina?" she drawls.

I look up and shrug at her. As I grab my bag and coat, she turns to go into the bathroom and says over her shoulder, "OK then. Have fun and be careful, Lina. And good luck with your doctor," I snort and head out the door, making my way to the closest place I can get what I need for my flirting tactic, which would be a Starbucks. After getting two chocolate chip muffins and a small mocha, I make my way to the metro, hoping I didn't miss Spencer.

Luck must have been on my side that day because as the metro pulls up and I board, I see Spencer sitting and he waves at me. I smile and sit near him, saying, "Heya Doc- Spencer. How're you this morning?"

He shrugs and says, "I-I'm fine, how are you?"

I reply, "Oh, I'm ok. I brought the books, too. Do you know for sure you'll have enough time to read them?"

He gives a small smile and says, "As long as we don't get called in for a case, yeah. We mainly do paperwork in between cases."

"Doesn't that get boring, though?" I ask.

"Believe me, after working on cases, paperwork is a welcome drudgery," he says.

I give a slight nod and continue. "Do you type it up, or have to write it out by hand?"

"Um, I mean, both, technically. While they've been trying to get everything backed up digitally, we can still write it by hand if it's one we've recently finished. I'd rather do it by hand, honestly. I can write faster than I can type." Spencer says.

"I can understand that. I prefer typing, but that's mainly because when I type, other people can actually understand what I'm trying to write!" I joke with a small laugh.

Spencer gives me a small smile and says, "Studies have shown that having messy handwriting can be an indication of higher intelligence, that you're thinking so much and so fast that your hand can't keep up."

I smile and say, "Huh, that makes me feel a bit better about my chicken scratch. Thanks, Spencer."

He flushes and gives me a warm smile. "Y-you're welcome. Um, this is our stop, we should get going."

Exiting the train, we make our way into the BAU building. As we step onto the elevator, I bite my lip and think, OK, let's see if it works this time... I open up the bag with the muffins and look inside. "Huh, they gave me two by accident. Hey, would you like this extra muffin? It's chocolate chip." I say, holding out the muffin toward him.

He looks at me and says, "A-are you sure?"

I nod and say, "Yup!" He gives me a small smile and takes the muffin from me.

"Thank you," he says quietly.

Giant smile on my face, I look down and say, "You're welcome, Spencer." YES, it actually worked! The elevator opens up to our floor, and we walk into the bullpen.

Spencer looks around, saying, "It looks like Garcia isn't here yet, d-did you want to sit at my desk and wait for her?"

"I-yeah, I'll sit with you and wait, if that's cool. I can give you the books, too." I say as calmly as I can while trying to cover up my giddiness. We walk over to his desk and he pulls up a spare chair to sit in while motioning for me to sit in his chair.

As I sit down, I pull out the books I've brought and place them on his desk. Looking at Spencer, I ask him, "OK, so, you can read really fast. But can you remember it all?"

He nods and says, "Yes, I remember everything I've ever read."

"Really? Everything? Is it ok if I test that by asking you questions about the books when you're done, right? For science?" I asked, wiggling my eyebrows slightly.

He chuckles and says, "I think I can do that. For science."

"So, um, do I-do I just...come by your desk at lunch, or..." I start, trying and failing to not sound awkward.

"I-y-yeah, I don't think it'll be a problem if we take our lunch at the same time," he says. Hearing footsteps, we both turn to see Penelope walk over, folders in her hands.

"Hey, Lina. You keeping our Boy Genius company?" she says, a sly smile on her face.

Flushing slightly, I ask, "That's ok, right? Like, I'm allowed?"

Giving a gentler smile, she says, "Yeah, that's fine, as long as there's downtime. However, I'm gonna have to ask you to come with me now, today I'm going to show you what we do when there's not a case."

"See you at lunch?" I say to Spencer, who gives me a small smile and says, "Yeah, I-I'll see you then, Lina." Grinning, I stand up and Penelope and I walk together.

"So," she starts, a Cheshire Cat grin on her face. "How was your morning, Lina?"

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[waynes-multiverse]

*gasps in excitement* FINALLY 😍😍😍

I also remember our fireplace conversation vividly 🔥 and I'm so glad it inspired such an amazing fic! You've outdone yourself with this one, Alex!! Such a sweet, incredibly romantic, and yet angsty story 🤍

Such a strong and hot start, wow! 🫠🔥

Full honesty, as a writer, starting chapters with smut always freaks me tf out. Like, where do you put the damn "keep reading" line without flashing some innocent people at work 😂

Even with the fire going and the heater running in the cabin, the frigid air outside is unforgiving.

Ooof, I know the exact feeling you're describing here. Kinda like when you're taking a hot bath but the room is cold and so everything not covered by water is freezing... 😅

You have no problem with the way Dean guides you down from the chaise to take advantage of your nest on the floor, right in front of the fire.

Oh, here we go! Executed to perfection 😏

You don’t know this, but it’s been a while since anyone but his own hand has touched him. That’s not the only reason his body has been calling to yours, but it plays a part in how fucking good it feels, and how much more he wants you.

First of all, I was just reading this whole, intensely scorching scene with a thundering heart and squeezing my damn thighs hard 😂

Secondly, I loooove this trope! It's sorta romantic?! Idk 😅🤷‍♀️ Kinda gives "waiting for the right one and not in the mood for anyone else" vibes. I did that kinda with Russell recently lol

But I love the extra intensity and specialness it gives, y'know? ❤️‍🔥

Once again, he hears you. His teeth sink into the back of your neck, making you cry out. But your pain is quickly overshadowed by a deepest pleasure, thrumming along with his.

Loved the callback of him hearing her again, although his instincts had taken over. It shows how much he cares about her and respects her 💕

And I truly wonder what Sam will say when Dean comes back with a mate lol

His words both warm you and make you sad. Just how little does he think of himself?

Oooh boy, you're about to find out, girl 😂

You sense that he’s not telling you everything. How could he? A lifetime of blood and wins and incredible losses; family gained, and family lost, endless saves, and so many near misses.

Lol I was gonna say, "How long do you guys plan on being here? This might take a while" 😂 But I'm so in love with their little afterglow bonding session ❤️❤️❤️ I honestly could read about their convos forever. They're so cute 🥹

“After the whole Chuck thing was done, I thought we’d just…go back to status quo. Me and Sam against the world, you know?” Dean says. He gives a rueful smile. “Then Sammy tells me he knocked up his mate.” You smile. “You’re happy for him though.” “Course I am,” Dean nods. “He never thought he’d get to have all that. A badass chick who can keep him on his toes, a house, the kid, the whole damn thing. He’s downright respectable again.” His brotherly pride and his humor are tinged with something else though. You think you begin to understand. His losses have weighed him down, leaving him aimless and living in that in between, not unlike the ghosts he used to hunt. You know the feeling.

We've already talked about this when he mentioned Dean jr. the first time, but my headcanon is, too, that Dean would be super happy, incredibly sad and lonely, and definitely a little envious and sour lol 😂😂

You really nailed him here! I could hear every word out of his mouth, too!! 😂🫶

It’s another week in the cabin before Dean insists on helping you down the mountain. Your ankle has gotten a little better, but at this point, you need to see a doctor. It takes a couple of days, going as slow as you need to. He ends up carrying you for most of the way anyway. You tell him over and over that he doesn’t have to, but your alpha is stubborn.

Can totally seeing him doing all of that and arguing with her throughout lol Our hero 🥹💚

He grins at the look on your face. “Hey, sweetheart. Come meet my Baby.”

Oooh, I completely forgot she doesn't yet!! Aww, she loved him before she knew he had a cool car. This is like finding out he was a millionaire and kept it a secret to find true love and weed out the gold diggers 🤣

Dean gives you a teasing smirk. “Well, technically, she’s been with me a lot longer than you.”

This had me DEAD 🤣🤣🤣

Dean blinks at your question. He whistles lowly. “About a year. Jesus, since my nephew was born.”

A year???? Jesus fuck, this is even sadder now!!! Sam was really like, "Ciao, jerk." lol

Damn, this man is old school. 

Oh she's about to find out how much 😂😂💚

That was such a perfect ending! They literally drove off into the sunset together *swoon* 😍🫠🫶 (And I could totally see Dean singing along to the lyrics at the end there)

I seriously enjoyed this series so much, friend!! 🤍🤍🤍 Totally gave me those vibes 🥹💕:

Against the Wind - Part 4

Pairing: Alpha!Dean Winchester x F. Omega!Reader 

Summary: You wake up in a strange alpha’s cabin in the middle of a snowstorm, all with a busted ankle. He holds shadows in his eyes, even though his hands are gentle. There are iron shutters around his heart, even though he saved you. You might just save him in return.

AN: The grand finale...

Song Inspo: “Against the Wind” by Bob Seger

Word Count: 3.4K

Tags/Warnings: 18+ only! Smut, knotting, claiming, fluff and feels.

Series Masterlist || Bingo Masterlist

Part 4: Running to Live

His cold hands are warming on your skin as he slides them underneath your sweater. They move smoothly up your back, bunching up the material. You break from his kiss only to help him get the sweater off you, followed closely by his pants.

Your sweatpants slide down your legs with just a sharp tug, baring most of your body to his gaze. His eyes drag over your exposed neck and shoulders, your breasts cupped in your bra, down to your panties and bare thighs.

A shiver runs through you, both from his heated gaze, and from being exposed to the cooler air. Even with the fire going and the heater running in the cabin, the frigid air outside is unforgiving.

You have no problem with the way Dean guides you down from the chaise to take advantage of your nest on the floor, right in front of the fire. He draws you into a sensuous kiss, sucking your lower lip into his mouth and grazing with teeth.

“Were you nesting, Omega?” he teases, between the sinful meetings of his lips with yours. You hum your affirmation before his tongue swipes across your lower lip, seeking entrance.

You open yourself to him in more ways than one; you slip your hands across his naked shoulders and explore the smooth planes of muscle, the dips and softness in between. You encourage him to lower down, to cover you with the length and broadness of his frame. His weight is a welcome one between your thighs and against the softness of your body.

“Was worried about you,” you whisper a confession against his lips. Dean briefly pauses, meeting your eyes.

“Thanks for waiting up,” he says, with a hint of a smile.

Your lips curve upwards in return. You reach up to caress his cheek, feeling the prickling of his stubble. Your fingers thread into his hair, and you pull him back down for a devouring kiss.

Dean’s brows furrow as he holds you to him, wanting to feel every part of your skin against his. His calloused fingers map their way down your side, and across your back to unhook your bra. His lips veer away from yours to burn a wet, heated trail along your neck. His teeth come out to graze your skin, down your throat, down the lovely valley between your breasts.

“Dean,” you gasp, encouraging him when his hand cups one of your breasts. He explores the other with his mouth, teasing a pebbled nipple with his tongue. Your fingers tighten in his hair, your thighs rubbing together between the cage of his knees in the mess of blankets. Already you feel slick forming at the apex of your thighs and slipping down in between.

“Beautiful,” he murmurs against your skin. “Fucking beautiful, you know that?”

You can’t help but smile. Your face warms either from the fire dancing shadows across your bodies, or from him, his attention, his warmth, and the heat in his eyes when they meet your again. His hand slides down your body, over your hip and squeezing your thigh as he opens you up further for him.

“Tell me what you want, Omega.” While I still have control, his tone implies. His voice is gravel and sin while his hand moves swiftly and smoothly up the inside of your thigh.

“Touch me,” you breathe.

Nodding, he hooks his fingers around the hem of your panties and slides them down. You help him kick them off. Afterward, his thumb brushes over your mound, making you sharply inhale and squeeze his shoulders encouragingly. His fingers dip inside your wet heat, his brows raising with a smirk, as he feels the sheer amount of your slick already coating his digits.

“Fuck. This all for me, baby?” he remarks.

You hold onto the back of his neck with both hands as you nod, biting your lip. Your hips begin to cant against his hand on reflex, urging him to touch you.

“Alpha, please…” you implore, in a ragged whisper. He swallows your plea with a ravaging kiss, but he still gives you what you want. His thumb circles your clit, earning a moan from you into his mouth.

Soon, two of his fingers plunge slowly inside you, working you open, drawing more gasps and shudders of pleasure from your body. His length continues to strain hard against your thigh, but for him, it’s worth it to draw every sound, every time your body writhes and arches against him, craving release.

With a few more purposeful strokes, your inner walls clamp tight on his hand, and a flood of slick coats his knuckles even more. You gasp his name, your hands squeezing his arms just as tight as your pussy around his fingers.

Your skin is beginning to get dewy with sweat, and he kisses some of it off you when he trails down your chest. You stroke down his arms, down his back, whatever you can reach as you catch your breath. But then, his name falls from your lips with a firmer tone.

Dean raises his head, and you gently push at his chest. His brows furrow in confusion, only for it to be replaced with a smile of surprise when you curl a thigh over his hip and guide him onto his back. His head just manages to fall on one of your pillows, but he still utters a small grunt. You giggle down at him, bowing to meet him for a kiss.

He smirks and holds onto your hips, playfully squeezing your ass. “My wily omega.”

“Thought I was your cheeky omega,” you tease.

He snorts. “That too.”

You giggle some more as you treat him to the same path of open-mouthed kisses down his neck. Except this time, you hook a hand behind his neck, and you trail your tongue around his mating gland. You feel his jolt of surprise, as well as his instinctive growl of pleasure in response to his mate. Or at least, not yet…

His heart pounds in his chest.

“Omega,” he says, a warning not to tease as his grip tightens on your hips.

The command in his voice makes you shiver, but you smile and nuzzle his cheek in affection. You kiss your way down his body, playing special attention to his nipples, his stomach, the soft V and the happy trail of light brown fuzz leading you down between his hips.

Your fingers slide down his hardened desire through his underwear, earning a grunt from him, along with a shifting of his body against the blankets. Your lips curve as you nuzzle him there as well, letting your lips drag across his impressive length.

His fingers tangle in your hair when you hook your nails around the waistband and free his cock from its confines. His boxers join the rest of your clothes somewhere, and finally you get to see all of him, as much as he takes in all of you. Your hand wraps around his girth, your thumb circling around the sensitive, weeping head of it. Dean groans, a sound from deep in his chest.

You don’t know this, but it’s been a while since anyone but his own hand has touched him. That’s not the only reason his body has been calling to yours, but it plays a part in how fucking good it feels, and how much more he wants you.

He feels your intentions when your hand moves down his shaft in a teasing caress, your fingers tracing around his knot. A shudder rattles down his spine, makes his desire burn hotter in the pit of his stomach.

He can’t fucking take it anymore. He needs you, needs to be inside you. Needs to take you the way his instincts demand.

He grasps your shoulder before you put your mouth on him. You blink up at him, with a question forming on your lips, but he hefts you up onto his chest by your arms. He cages you there with a kiss filled with abject need.

“I can’t. Can’t wait anymore,” he says. He drags his fingers through your folds and earns another moan from your when he finds your clit. “You ready for me, Omega? Need my knot?”

“Yeah,” you nod, agreeing against his lips. “Need you, Alpha—”

No sooner had the words escaped your lips, when Dean rolls you back underneath him. But this time, he guides you onto your stomach, then raises up your hips, until you’re on your hands and knees. You catch your breath as you regain your bearings, shooting an incredulous smile over your shoulder at Dean. He smirks back at you, but his gaze is intense, his pupils darkened with the alpha inside him. 

Still, he soothes a hand down your back and steadies you with a hold on your hip. You feel him slot himself behind you, guiding his cock at your entrance. His chest presses hotly against your back.

“Last chance, Omega,” he says, his voice tight with restraint.

You look back at him again over your shoulder, your mouth threatening to frown. You reach back and sink your fingers into his hair with a sharp tug. “Do it.”

He sinks into you with one smooth plunge. It’s a relief for both of you, your mingled moans echoing in the near silence. All that’s left is the sound of your quickening breaths, of skin against sweat-slick skin as you move together.

Dean brushes your hair away from your neck. He kisses and licks his way along your bare shoulder, and finally the back of your neck. You’re trembling by the time his lips find the sensitive flesh of your mating gland. It echoes with the pulsing from your core as he continues to drive into you.

“Alpha,” you gasp on reflex. You squeeze his arm; he has it wrapped tight around your middle. Your pleasure builds ever closer to that crescendo, especially as his thrusts become ragged, at an angle that zips delicious tingles through your core. “Close…just…I need…”

Dean isn’t so far gone. He hears you, and helps you, reaching his hand around to strum his fingers insistently on your clit, along with his final thrusts.

Finally, it tumbles you over. Your inner walls become impossibly tight around him as he draws out your second release—one that triggers his own. Dean groans into your ear; his knot swells and locks into place, and he spends himself deep inside you. He pants hot against your neck, but even though he fastens his lips there, he hesitates, once again making you shudder. 

“Do it,” you repeat, in a coarse whisper. You’re close to tears. “Please. Want you, Alpha. Need you…”

Once again, he hears you.

His teeth sink into the back of your neck, making you cry out. But your pain is quickly overshadowed by a deepest pleasure, thrumming along with his.

 Afterward, Dean holds you in his arms. The warm glow of the fire paints your skin in its light, despite the utter darkness in the rest of the house. 

While you both wait for his knot to subside, you revel in the fact that you know he’s content. You can feel it through the newly formed bond. He traces random shapes in your skin, which still glistens with a fine sheen of sweat. The fire he stoked doesn’t help to cool you down, but you don’t care.

Nothing else matters but this. You turn your head toward him over your shoulder. He meets you there with a gentle kiss, much more gentle than any other you’ve shared before. It feels right. 

When he parts from you, he presses another kiss to your forehead. Then he leans back a little and sighs. You feel his thumb trace the raw flesh around the claiming mark on your neck. A small shiver runs through your body. Maybe on another day, you’ll mark him in return.

“It’s too damn late,” he says, breaking the silence. “You realize that right?”

You shoot him a frown. “Too late for what?”

“For me to let you go,” he says. 

His words both warm you and make you sad. Just how little does he think of himself?

“Dean,” you say, endeavoring to be patient. “You’re my true mate. Do you know how rare it is that we’ve actually found each other?”

Dean remains quiet.

“And after everything you’ve done for me,” you add, “how can I not think you’re a good man? How can I not think this is right?”

He seems to consider your question. His gaze briefly falls, then meets your eyes again.

“You don’t know me that well,” is his answer, with a wry turn of his lips. 

You reach back to caress his cheek. “Then tell me. Tell me about, um…tell me about how you became a hunter. From your dad’s journal, I got the sense that it’s a family thing.”

A vendetta, you wanted to say, but you keep that thought inside.

Dean chuckles, dropping another kiss onto your shoulder. You feel the pleasurable rasp of his stubble.

“Yeah, more like a family business,” he says. 

He tells you why John Winchester started writing in that journal in the first place. Dean explains it in his own words, of what his family was before and after a demon broke into his brother’s nursery. Your heart continues to break for him, over and over, the more story he tells. Your shock can only reach new heights when he tells you about angels and demons and everything in between. 

There are moments where he pauses, needing the time to find his words. He’s talked for so long that his knot finally softens, allowing you to withdraw from him, just to turn in his arms and be able to see his face. He bundles you in the blankets to keep you warm, but he also keeps you close, with a loose arm around your waist as he continues. 

You sense that he’s not telling you everything. How could he? A lifetime of blood and wins and incredible losses; family gained, and family lost, endless saves, and so many near misses. You listen with rapt attention (and a lot of shock) to everything he can share, but your heart twinges when you see how he struggles to talk about his mother’s most recent death. Then his best friend Cas. 

You realize that this man, for all his self-deprecation, is a hero. More so than you already knew.

“After the whole Chuck thing was done, I thought we’d just…go back to status quo. Me and Sam against the world, you know?” Dean says. He gives a rueful smile. “Then Sammy tells me he knocked up his mate.”

You smile. “You’re happy for him though.”

“Course I am,” Dean nods. “He never thought he’d get to have all that. A badass chick who can keep him on his toes, a house, the kid, the whole damn thing. He’s downright respectable again.”

His brotherly pride and his humor are tinged with something else though. You think you begin to understand. His losses have weighed him down, leaving him aimless and living in that in between, not unlike the ghosts he used to hunt. You know the feeling. 

You thread your fingers with his, earning his attention. 

“You can have that too, you know,” you say. “I mean, I don’t want to skip ahead, but I feel like things are going well here, despite the whole busted ankle thing.” 

Dean slowly smiles, shaking his head. He brings your hand up to his lips. 

“Okay, enough about my Hallmark movie life. What about you?” he asks. 

So you tell him. 

You two continue to share and explore, both in words and with your bodies, until morning comes. 

It’s another week in the cabin before Dean insists on helping you down the mountain. Your ankle has gotten a little better, but at this point, you need to see a doctor. It takes a couple of days, going as slow as you need to. He ends up carrying you for most of the way anyway. You tell him over and over that he doesn’t have to, but your alpha is stubborn. 

Once he gets you back to the city, you two take a shuttle to the nearest hospital. X-rays are taken, and you get a new cast for your officially fractured ankle. At the very least, you don’t need surgery. You’re able to call your mom from there and let her know where you’ve been, that you’re all right, and best of all…that you’ve found your mate. 

You cry along with her on the phone, this time for a good reason. The best reason. 

When you’re eventually released from the hospital, Dean picks you up in a sleek, black Chevy that has your eyes wide. 

He grins at the look on your face. “Hey, sweetheart. Come meet my Baby.” 

He parks the car and keeps the heater running while he comes around to you in swift strides. He takes your crutches and slides them into the backseat, then helps you into the passenger seat. 

“It’s beautiful, but my God, how old is this thing?”

“She. She’s a she.”

“Oh, pardon me,” you say in amusement. “Do I have some competition here?”

Dean gives you a teasing smirk. “Well, technically, she’s been with me a lot longer than you.” 

You scoff incredulously. He laughs and takes your hand, pressing a kiss into your palm. You discreetly study him and marvel at how much lighter he seems. You don’t know how much is because of this, what your hand in his symbolizes, and how much is because he’s reunited with something important to him. 

“It’s okay, Omega mine,” he says, with a measure of desire in his eyes. “From now on, you’re my priority.”

Your spine prickles with the same arousal you can feel from him through the bond. You lean across the way and share a thorough kiss. 

Until a horn honks loudly from behind. You both jolt, but Dean’s face falls into annoyance. He shoots up a choice finger at the car behind him in the rearview mirror. You laugh as he begins to peel out of the curved pick-up and drop-off zone in front of the hospital. 

“Where are we going, Dean?” you ask, still smiling in amusement. 

“Wherever we damn well please.” He turns to you with a hint of a smile reforming on his lips. “Want me to take you back home? We can sort out the logistics on, uh…well, this.”

You think about it. He poses a good idea, but at the same time, you’re not quite ready for this part of the adventure to end. 

“How long has it been since you’ve seen Sam?” you ask.

Dean blinks at your question. He whistles lowly. “About a year. Jesus, since my nephew was born.”

You smile and reach over, resting your hand on his thigh. 

“Let’s go see him, then,” you say. “I want to meet your family. Then you can meet mine.”

After that, you two can figure out the rest, like where to live, and how you’ll live. 

Dean raises a brow. “Really? That’s like, a thirteen-hour drive.”

You shrug. “I’ve always wanted to go on a real road trip. Can we get some food first though? I’m starving.” 

He laughs and nods as he stops the car at a red light.

“What do you know? A woman after my own heart,” he says. His amusement eases into a gentler smile the longer he stares at you. You smile back, and you give into the urge to lean in again, meeting your lips with his. He brushes your cheek tenderly with his thumb. 

“I know what this needs,” he says lowly. Your brows draw together in a silent question. 

He pulls away to reach into the side compartment along the driver door. He fishes out a cassette tape labelled Zeppelin IV. You bite your lip and try not to say anything smartassed.

Damn, this man is old school. 

He skips ahead until he finds Track 7, just as the light turns green. A melodious guitar riff fills the car as he turns onto the main road with your hand wrapped in his. 

Made up my mind to make a new start.

Going to California with an aching in my heart…

AN: And that's all, folks! 🥹 I truly hope you enjoyed Against the Wind!

Like I said in a recent update, I have more stories in store for you guys. January 3 will be Part 1 of Outlander -- sequel to The Honorable Choice -- a Western AU with Dean as our resident cowboy! I'll post a sneak peek on that one soon.~

But in the meantime, I hope you'll let me know what you thought of ATW! 💜💜

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[youremyonlyhope]

I got to meet my favorite Doctor, Christopher Eccleston, at NY Comic Con today.

I am so happy right now.

Eccleston’s panel was amazing. He’s so hilarious and he was very open. He talked a lot about his new book and his experience taking care of his father while he had dementia, and was so sincere when a couple of the fans who asked questions bought up their own fathers’ illnesses. And it was interesting to hear about things he’s done that I haven’t seen, like the Leftovers. And he really wanted to make sure to reiterate what he’s said at other panels and in interviews, that he loved being the Doctor and loves the fans that came from it. He knows that the media tried to paint him in a bad light, but he left the show because of his relationship with production, not because he didn’t enjoy being the Doctor and being a part of the show’s history. One of my favorite things he said during the panel was something along the lines of “He has two hearts, so he has a lot of love to give. That’s what playing the Doctor meant to me.”

Also at one point he said “fantastic” without meaning to reference Nine, but the audience started giggling, so he stopped talking and just started laughing at himself when he realized what he said. It was adorable.

I got to go to his autograph session later in the afternoon. He complimented my name, Hope, and told me that he thought it was beautiful. He said that most of the members of his family (and possibly himself too but I can’t remember now) had been born in a hospital called Hope Hospital, but it had been renamed and he was really upset about it because he thought Hope was a perfect name (he even talks about it in his new book). But yeah, him immediately complimenting my name and telling me a story about how much he loves my name made me go from starstruck to like... frozen in happiness. I couldn’t say much more after that besides that he was my favorite Doctor and that I was so happy to be meeting him.

My mom had come to comic con with me (she wanted to meet Nichelle Nichols, and honestly I fangirled over Nichelle more than my mom did when we did) so she got to talk to him during my autograph session too. During his panel, Chris said that one of the things he is a big fan of is black American music, which immediately made me and my mom joke that he should come over to our house. So during the autograph session, my mom said “Hey, if you like black music, you should listen to WBGO on Saturday mornings. Their Rhythm Revue is Motown and R&B all morning” and Chris took out his phone and actually WROTE DOWN what my mom said. So basically, now my mom’s respect for Chris has multiplied by a billion.

I wish I could have said more to him during the autograph session, but I don’t know what I would have said. I was kind of still in shock that I was meeting my favorite Doctor. I never thought I’d get a chance to meet him since he never did conventions before this year, and I’d kind of accepted that. Even when I found out he was coming to NY Comic Con this year, I was still on the fence about going. But when I read this article a week or two ago, I decided then that I had to go to Comic Con and meet him. So I bought last minute tickets to the only day that was still open, which was luckily one of the two days Christopher is here and the day of his panel. And I got to meet him.

Basically, I am really happy right now. And I have never loved Christopher Eccleston and the Ninth Doctor more.

[maddieinwonder]

Bait & Switch

Spencer Reid x GN!BAU!Reader

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: None, super fluffy 

Word Count: 3.5k words 

Plot: Reader reveals that they’re going to buy a Nintendo Switch so Spencer invites them to go together with him. In the process, some feelings reveal themselves.  

Author’s Note: My first time writing about Spencer, and actually, my first time writing a fic in a long time haha. Just imagine that this takes place in 2017, although you don’t have to know anything about the Switch in order to read this.

Masterlist

-------------- 

"What's got you in such a good mood, baby?" Derek asked, leaning over his chair. Even without looking up, you could feel the smirk that decorated his face. After almost a month at the BAU, you didn’t need to be a profiler to expect this much from Derek. "Got a date this weekend?"

You tried to focus on your paperwork before relenting, rolling your eyes. Still, you couldn't hide the smile in your voice when you shot back a reply. "With this job? You wish, Morgan."

"Give yourself some credit, beautiful. With your looks I'm sure you could score a good looking fellow for a night you won't forget."

"I'm sure you would know all about that," you replied, this time grinning from ear to ear.

Ever since you joined the BAU, your seat has always been across Derek Morgan. The guy was a terrible flirt but also one of the most trustworthy people you knew, so you couldn't keep up a sarcastic mood for long.

"Actually," you replied genuinely, "I'll be lining up this weekend to buy a Nintendo Switch." Out of the corner of your eye, you could sense Spencer stiffen in his chair next to you.

"A what switch?" Derek asked, his face scrunching up in confusion.

But before you could begin to reply him, Spencer rolled his chair over and opened his mouth. The both of you knew what was coming.

"The Nintendo Switch. A video game console developed by Japanese company Nintendo that's completely one-of-its-kind, on account of its console functioning like a tablet that can either be docked on a home console and linked to a TV, or used as a portable device with two wireless controllers so you can..."

Not being able to help yourself, you giggled at his info dump. You've always admired how much knowledge he could store in his big brain. But more importantly, you thought he was kind of cute like this. A fire would light in his eyes and it seemed like the world around him ceased to exist.

You only realised you were staring at Spencer when the last bits of his question registered in your mind. "...you going to?"

Blinking your eyes, you snapped to attention. Derek seemed to notice, because you felt his signature smirk return to his face.

"Which store are you going to?" Spencer repeated the question. Anybody else might be annoyed, but he only seemed mildly restless. A rare look for the unathletic genius.

"I'm going to the one three blocks down from here," you replied.

"So am I!" Spencer sat upright in his chair, beaming. You think that this is the most excitement he's expressed to you since you joined the BAU.

Then his confidence seemed to waver. He began tugging at the edge of his sleeve, eyes glancing to the side at nothing in particular when he asked, "W-would you like t-to go together?"

A smile spreads across your face before you can stop it. "Sure! Sounds like fun."

Spencer grinned back, and there was a moment of silence before Derek interrupted the conversation that he began. "Well, I'll leave you and lover boy to plan your date. I'm going to spend my Friday night at the bar."

Your heart thumped involuntarily at the word "date", while Derek turned to Emily. "Hey Prentiss, you want to grab a few drinks and dinner? I'm sure I can get the others to leave work for one night."

"Anything's better than this," Emily shrugged, lifting her mug of already-cold coffee.

Standing up to retrieve her bag, she smirked at you and Spencer, having heard more of the conversation than she let on. "Have a great weekend, you lovebirds. Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

She and Derek shared a laugh as they moved towards the Batcave to retrieve Garcia next.

As you watched them go, you feel Spencer's eyes on you and a flush warming your cheeks. You knew they were just teasing you with the word "date", but the truth is you've liked the genius almost as soon as you met him.

You may not have an eidetic memory, but you could still remember the flutter of butterflies that exploded in your chest when you first laid eyes on Dr. Spencer Reid.

He had waved from a comfortable distance, the other hand tucked in the pocket of his dark slacks. He towered over you easily with curly locks that barely touched his sweater vest, and you swore you've never seen anybody more attractive in your life. His intelligence only added to your attraction. 

"Shall I pick you up at 7am tomorrow?"

You turned back to Spencer, who seemed even more nervous now that everybody in the bullpen had left. Yet what he was proposing was rather bold compared to his usual behaviour.

“Pick me up?” You repeated.

“It’ll be easier to find a parking spot that way, and the weather report predicts that tomorrow will be a sunny day, so I know you’d rather not walk three blocks to the store.” He rambled nervously.

“You know me well, Spencer.” A cheeky smile snuck onto your face, and in a moment of false bravado, you said what was on your mind. “7am. It’s a date, then.”

Spencer’s face turned beet red.

You didn’t wait to dwell on his reaction, dumping the last of your paperwork into a pile and picking up your bag. But as you walked to the elevator, you couldn’t help yourself from grinning ear to ear. It was a date. Kind of.

-------------- 

You couldn’t sleep. You had gotten home earlier than usual, but the extra time to plan for your “date” tomorrow proved to be a bad idea.

What would you wear? What would you talk about? Should you extend it to a meal, or dessert, or maybe coffee?

Although you were confident in the moment, you were beginning to regret teasing Spencer before you left. You’d known him long enough to know how he reacted to embarrassment, and there’s a good chance he might back away because of your forwardness. 

You groaned, trying to get these thoughts out of your head. The reality of the "date" was sinking in now. This would be the first time that you and Spencer would be alone in a non-work setting. To say that you were nervous was a gross understatement. 

But there was something worse than showing up nervous, which was showing up nervous and sleep-deprived, so you turned off your bedside lamp and tried to will yourself to sleep. That's when your phone began to buzz.

You were so on edge that the sound almost made you fall off your bed. Turning over your phone, your heart leapt to your throat.

Spencer, 2:03am: Sorry to disturb you when it's so late, but I realised I don’t have your address. Could you send it to me when you're awake?

You gulped. Just relax, just relax, you repeated in your head.

Me, 2:05am: It’s alright, you didn’t wake me up. I’ll attach my address below.

Spencer, 2:06am: Thanks. Having trouble sleeping?

Me, 2:07am: A little

Spencer, 2:08am: Me too.

What was I supposed to reply to that? You silently screamed. But it turned out you didn't have to figure it out.

Spencer, 2:11am: To be honest, I'm a little nervous about tomorrow.

Me, 2:13am: Why?

Spencer, 2:15am: I suppose it’s because we've never spent any time alone before.

Hearing the genius act so shy made you feel a little more brave.

Me, 2:16am: Well, I'm looking forward to the chance

Spencer, 2:17am: I am too.

Despite your nerves, you smiled at his small confession.

Spencer, 2:19am: We should get some sleep.

Me, 2:19am: I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night, Spence

Spencer, 2:20am: Sweet dreams.

Your anxieties were washed away and replaced with the biggest smile on your face. Without knowing it, Spencer’s words rippled a sense of calm over you, and you fell asleep shortly after. 

The next morning, you woke up with a newfound clarity. You knew what you were going to wear. 

-------------- 

Spencer couldn't stop tapping the edge of his steering wheel. He knew he was nervous, and admitting it to you last night didn't do much to stop that fact from eating away at him.

He texted you 3 minutes ago that he was waiting outside your apartment, but you hadn't replied. Although he knew that there were plenty of logical reasons why you might have missed his text, his hands didn't stop itching to call you and see if you were alright.

Then out of the corner of his eye, you emerged from the corridor and he felt his heart speed up.

You were wearing a blue flannel that he'd never seen you in before with a pair of dark jeans. Your hair, which you usually kept in a up-do at work, was let down in waves, touching your shoulders. And then there was the pièce de résistance, you were wearing a Doctor Who t-shirt with the TARDIS on it.

Hook, line, and sinker.

He didn't break his gaze on you the entire time you got into his car. Even when you beamed at him and wished him a good morning, a small yawn escaping your perfect lips, he was completely tongue-tied.

"Earth to Spencer," you called out, looking up at him curiously. "You there?"

Spencer shook his head suddenly, cursing himself internally for being such a doofus. "Sorry, uh, I was distracted. Good morning." He smiled sheepishly, tucking a stray hair strand behind his ear.

"Anyway," he cleared his throat. "I was thinking we could grab some coffee before we headed to the store? We can make it quick. I know there'll be some people already lining up."

He peeked at you rubbing your eyes and thought it was the cutest thing he's ever seen. “Looks like you might need it," he said without realising he'd just flirted with you.

You giggled, lowering your hands from your face. "Sounds great." 

-------------- 

Spencer wasn't lying when he said it'd be quick, although in truth you could have taken all the time in the world and you would still be happy. The initial awkwardness between you washed away almost immediately as you fell into a quiet conversation about your favourite Doctor Who episodes. 

You wanted to commit the sight of him driving in the morning to memory. The sun had just rose, lighting a gentle halo around Spencer’s messy hair and sculptured face. He was wearing a bigger sweater than usual, the sleeves hanging around his wrists loosely. While his eyes were focused on the road, his lips parted slightly as he softly bantered with you about David Tennant. 

You felt an overwhelming urge to reach out and kiss him despite the driving hazard. And despite the fact that you’ve never kissed him, of course. But you could hope. And hope you did. 

Your hope had grown when he parked in front of the coffee house you’d once mentioned was your favourite. Spencer made your coffee order perfectly and you had found yourself hoping that it was because he’d paid extra attention to you, and not because of his brilliant memory. 

And when you reached the video game store and he opened the door for you, you hoped it was because he wanted to make a good impression, not only because he was a gentleman. 

And when he stood between you and a video game rack in line, you hoped that he was trying to shield you from the other people in the store, and you hoped that he was thinking of pressing you against the rack and kissing the daylights out of you. 

You needed to get a hold of yourself. 

The conversation had swapped to the reason why you two were here in the first place, and you found yourself talking to Spencer about Breath of the Wild, a game that brought you back to fond memories of your childhood. 

“The Legend of Zelda was the first video game I ever played, on the first console I ever owned.” You shared, smiling fondly. “It was the video game that my brother and I bonded over, and we bought every game together since.”

Spencer nodded in rapt. You felt him leaning closer to you, although it may have been your imagination. 

“This is actually the first time I haven’t been with him for a new game,” you realised. “Due to our jobs, we haven’t seen each other in awhile, but we still text each other!” You tried to end on a lighter note, not wanting to bring the mood down on this “date”.

Spencer looked at you as if he wanted to say something, but he kept his lips shut. 

“What about you? What was your first video game?” You threw the question to him, trying to divert attention away from your sad-enough story. 

He blushed in response to your question and looked down at his black converse. You noticed he began touching his sleeve in a familiar motion and you looked at him suspiciously. “Spencer?”

“W-well, the t-truth is, I didn’t actually c-come here to buy a Switch, and I don’t play video games at all.“ The last part of his sentence came out rapidly. You might have missed it, if you weren’t already used to the tongue twisters he spit out on a daily basis.

“What?” You exclaimed a little too loudly, causing the other shoppers in line to glance at you weirdly. “Then... Then what are you doing here?” You said quieter this time. Your eyebrows furrowed as your mind scanned the possibilities. 

“W-well, I, uh, wanted to spend time with you,” he blurted out. He raised his eyes to meet yours, his face completely red.

It was your turn to be flustered now. Your voice was quiet and you could feel your hands shaking. “Is this a date, Spencer?” 

“Only if you want it to be, I mean, I want it to be but your opinion matters to me, and I wouldn’t want to bring you on a date if you didn’t want to. We can just hang out like friends if that’s more comfortable--” 

You grabbed his free hand, gently lowering it from where it was moving as he rambled, until your fingers were intertwined. 

“I would like it to be,” a large smile took over your face. You were a little teary despite how weird it was to confess your feelings for him in a video game store of all places. 

Spencer was quiet for a moment, squeezing your hand in return. “Would you like to go for lunch after this? As a date,” he clarified this time. 

"I would love that,” you beamed at him, “as a date.” 

-------------- 

Spencer had always imagined the kind of girl he would fall in love with. Caring, intelligent, had an appreciation for classic literature, maybe. But when he saw you for the first time, every expectation he held flew out of the window.  

You were beautiful. Wavy dark hair tied into a high ponytail, wearing a navy shirt, and funnily enough, a beige cardigan and black converse. Morgan joked that it was like meeting Spencer 2.0, but he disagreed: the two of you were worlds apart. 

You were incredibly tech savvy, although not as much as Garcia, but certainly more than the rest. You loved the smell and taste of coffee without sugar. You were happy to hug everybody you met, from colleagues to victims. You didn’t like paperback so you read everything on a Kindle. 

But the biggest difference between the two of you, was that you were emotionally intelligent. 

All of your brilliance, combined with your PhD in psychology - having worked as a psychiatrist affiliated with Sex Crimes before joining the BAU - you were able to pick out the team’s moods from a single glance. It’s what endeared everyone to you immediately, and what made you such a great profiler.   

But the way you treated him was different. You just, listened to him. While everyone else had gotten into the habit of cutting him off or simply ignoring him when he opened his mouth, your eyes would light up instead. 

He could always tell you were listening because you would look into his eyes when he spoke, and you would ask him questions after he was done. 

It made him feel like the world around him ceased to exist, except for you. 

So he started studying your interests to grab your attention, trying to throw in a few jokes hoping to see you smile. It only took one month for him to seize his chance. Still, never in his calculations did he think you would say yes. 

He smiled at the thought, stroking your hair gently as you cuddled on the couch together, watching you play Breath of the Wild. 

After a more than successful first date, you had asked him to come over the next day to spend more time together. A month ago, he would have politely declined with an excuse like needing to read a new academic journal, but when he arrived at your doorstep he allowed himself to be drawn into your arms, relishing the giggle he earned as a reward for being hugged. 

“Damn it,” you grumbled quietly as you ran out of stamina scaling a cliffside for the fifth time.

Spencer laughed. Without a second thought, he pulled you closer and kissed the top of your head. 

In the background Link fell off the cliff once again, the game playing a sound that he came to recognise as Link dying. But there were no curses this time, as you had turned to look at Spencer, nothing but adoration in your eyes. 

“That was our first kiss,” you said so quietly and sweetly that Spencer’s heart melted at the sound of it. 

“First?” He took his chance, leaning closer. “You know, the usage of the word ‘first’ almost always implies that there will be a ‘second’ and a ‘third’ and a...” 

His voice trailed off as your fingers left the controller to touch his lips. Your touch was intoxicating and he wanted more. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, Spence,” you started, lifting your finger from his lips. “I didn’t mean to interrupt you-” 

“Don’t be sorry,” he managed to get out in a hurry before capturing your lips in his. He felt your astonishment at first, but you quickly lost yourself in the kiss as he brought his hands up to cup the sides of your face, deepening the kiss further. 

You finally broke apart after awhile, both panting for air and smiling widely. Spencer never thought he could be so lucky. “That’s the second one,” he said quietly, bringing up two fingers to indicate the number. 

You looked at him with love in your eyes and abandoned your controller on the table before throwing yourself at him, flattening the two of you against your couch. 

“Ready for the third?”

-------------- 

Derek Morgan wasn’t an idiot. That’s why he could tell that something had changed over the weekend between his desk mate and boy genius. 

The two came into work together on Monday morning, which was weird in itself, but they also took every opportunity to stick to each other, from coffee breaks to disappearing for lunch and “asking” about paperwork. 

When they vanished for the umpteenth time that day for coffee, Derek leaned over Emily’s desk to confirm his theory. 

“It’s not just me. Pretty boy finally made a move, didn’t he?” He cocked an eyebrow. 

“Definitely. Those two are so obvious that even Hotch has picked up on it. From his office.” She quipped, grinning as her eyes moved to the scene behind Derek. “Speak of the devil.” 

Entering the conversation, Spencer did what he did best. “Did you know that ‘speak of the devil’ is the short form of the idiom ‘speak of the devil and he doth appear’? The phrase can be traced back to the 16th century when mentioning the devil was considered prohibited. In fact, when people were caught saying the phrase--” 

Derek caught your eyes drifting to look adoringly at Spencer. He couldn’t take this anymore. “So what happened between you two last weekend, huh?” he interrupted, smirking. 

Your reaction was better than he gambled. You turned a bright red and your eyes darted between Spencer and Derek in panic, truly flustered for the first time since he’s met you. But Spencer was strangely calm, his eyes travelling from his best friend to Emily in the background trying to stifle her laughter, while a small smile tugged at his lips. 

“We’re dating now,” he announced to the two a little triumphantly, while rubbing your shoulder as a peaceful gesture. 

Derek and Emily were stunned by their friend’s directness, only to be shocked out of it as Hotch walked by. “Finally,” he muttered, loud enough for them all to hear. 

You were the first to crack a smile, then the rest followed suit with laughs and congratulations. Hearing the uproar, Garcia and JJ peeked out of their rooms, joining in and demanding more details about this new but not entirely unexpected development. 

Amidst the chaos, Spencer laces his hands in yours and gives it a squeeze. For the first time in a long time, you feel unequivocally, unmistakably happy. 

[try-set-me-on-fire]

Also tagged by @shitouttabuck so here’s more of me trying to figure out ER au first conversation, this time featuring Eddie sewing Buck up while he talks about his military experience. Still not sure if it’s the right mood. Also not sure even if Eddie got the extra training if he would be allowed to do sutures without a doctor present in the state of California but whatever

“Can you do those? I didn't think nurses were allowed to do sutures.”

Eddie glances up at him, pausing as he threads the needle. “I did the training for being an advanced practice registered nurse. I can get a doctor, if you prefer.”

“No, you can do it.” Buckley shakes his head, relaxing a little onto the bed, letting Eddie position his arm under the light and puts on numbing cream. “Why'd you get the extra certification? Why go through all the trouble to give yourself more work?”

“Mm…” Eddie carefully pushes the needle through skin and doesn't point out that Buckley is here because he pulled a man from a windshield while he was off duty. “I was an army medic. Already knew how to do them. Felt useless when I had to just stand there watching somebody bleed and call someone else in.”

“Wow.” Eddie doesn’t look away from his work to see Buckley’s face, but he sounds impressed. “I tried out for the seals once.”

“Jesus.” He pictures, for a moment, the hand gently rested on the bed in front of him used for violence and feels a little sick. “I'm glad it didn't work out.”

Buck lets out a startled sort of laugh. Eddie glances an admonishing little look at him, holding his arm tighter so he stays still. “You buy into the army-navy rivalry?”

“No,” Eddie says, placing another careful stitch. Buckley is quiet, but it’s a sort of waiting-for-elaboration quiet, and Eddie kind of doesn’t want to explain himself further but sighs and tries anyway. “You’re a firefighter. You want to help people, right?”

“Yeah,” Buckley says, a note of pride in his voice. “I do.”

“Texas had the second highest recruitment rates in the country in 2012. Knew some guys who went after graduation, more who talked about going. There were recruiters at job fairs and pep rallies. Make something of yourself, help people.”

“And so you went?”

“No.” It’s only a little less sharp than the needle. “I was 19 years old and-“ I’d knocked up my girlfriend, and everybody was looking at me like the fuck up I was, and I was a shitty little coward who was terrified of my best friend and a baby, “and I didn’t think I had any other choice, and I figured I’d be a medic so at least I could keep people from dying. Try to.”

When he glances up this time Buckley’s face is the most serious it’s been in this conversation. His blue eyes are a little washed out under the fluorescents, against the glare of the lamp Eddie is suing to sew him back together. “That’s a good thing,” he says, a little cautious but still confident. “You want to help people, too.”

He needs to tie off the line. “That’s not helping people. No one who hands you a gun wants you to help people. Fine, I helped-“ the polyglactin thread stretches from Buckley’s skin to Eddie’s hand, held in tension, “I helped a few people not bleed out, got them back in fighting shape, or got them back home in- in more or less one piece. And then I shot at other 19 year olds who didn’t have any choice either. And then I went back and did it all again.” He’s silent for a moment, like he needs to concentrate, like the motions of tying a square knot isn’t ingrained into his muscle. “Two tours, and I didn’t-“ god, why is he doing this, how did he end up having this conversation. “I didn’t help anybody.” Not himself, not Shannon or Christopher, barely anyone he kept alive and certainly not anyone he killed when he wasn’t even old enough to drink. “So, I’m glad it didn’t work out for you. I’m glad this is what you do.”

“Slice myself open pulling people out of windshields?” Buck says it like a joke but his tone doesn’t really match, and his eyes look tired, sad. Working yourself to collapse pulling children out of tsunami flood waters. Ignoring your body for the sake of others. It’s stupid, and I think one day fatal, but yes, I am glad for it. Eddie abruptly realizes he’s still holding onto his arm, and lets go.

“Probably best if you try to avoid the slicing next time,” Eddie shrugs, not sure if his attempt at levity lands either.

Tagged by @wildlife4life @rewritetheending and @devirnis for fuck it Friday! I might have more er nurse Eddie stuff for you later in the day but for now here’s the opening paragraph of a post season 6 big argument fic

Most days Buck likes to think he knows Eddie Diaz better than anyone on earth, and he means that two ways: no one else knows Eddie better than he does, and he knows Eddie better than he knows anyone else. He’s not a mind reader, he doesn’t always know exactly what the man is thinking, but years of careful observation combined with the fact that Eddie has opened up, let Buck in, let himself be read, means he’s always reasonably aware of what mood his best friend is in and why he might be feeling that way. It’s surprising, then, to realize that Eddie is angry at him and to have no idea why.

Tagging @shortsighted-owl @eowon @butchdiaz @forthewolves @homerforsure @rogerzsteven if you have anything to share!

[poisonousroxstar]

Imagine:

Wally with a cheerful trainer s/o, who's dying from an illness

Trigger warning: dying reader, dead reader. Illness. Angst. Toxicly positive reader? Possible grammar mistakes.

Wally first met you on the day he was going to get his very first pokemon! To his surprise, you were here for the same thing! Norman was nice enough to lend you both a spare Pokémon and balls for you two!

He remembers how nerve-wracking but thrilling it was catching his ralts. When he did, you praised him! And gosh, he couldn't help but blush at your comment.

He invited you over to his parents house, and you both became quickly familiar with one another; becoming friends (and also rivals) very quickly!

Since both of your pokemon were relatively weak, the two of you decided to train together.

Eventually, you were confident that your Pokémon was ready to take on the first gym! Wally wasn't nearly as confident though, thus you two parted ways.

You told Wally you'd see him around! Giving him a gleeful smile that made his heart skip a beat. It appeared he had a small crush..

You guys wouldn't meet again until the second gym. Wally had moved to come stay with his uncle, and by then he had gotten a little stronger! When he saw you, Wally couldn't help but get a little giddy and blush ever so slightly.

After your guys' battle, his uncle invited you over to his home. He noticed how his nephew was behaving, and thought it might be good to bring over his crush!

You cheerfully accepted! And even wanted to race Wally there! Although, that didn't work out as his condition rendered running a bit.... Problematic. Soo, instead of that, you trailed alongside him and chatted about your adventures and experiences so far.

You sort of took a break on your journey to spend time with the lime haired boy. And he couldn't have been more thrilled!

At first, you two trained together. Being on break didn't mean you couldn't get some experience in!

Eventually, you two started doing everything together. Hanging out and enjoying the beautiful area, especially the flowers. Fooling around, even if Wally sometimes protested against your ideas. And lazing together during uneventful days.

It was on one of those days you asked about his condition, and what it was that forced him to move to his uncles.

Wally paused for a moment, before replying with an answer. He thought that by becoming a trainer, he could become stronger, both as a person and with his illness.

His answer made you admire him, and you felt like you owed him something in return. So, with your cheerful tone that made beautiflies flutter in his tummy, you said:

"well... I'm technically dying!"

Wally gave you a shocked expression, and almost thought you were joking because of your tone.

But it wasn't a joke, unfortunately. You told him you had an illness that was slowly killing. You became a trainer as a way to see the entire region before your death, and take on the gyms in an attempt to become the champion of hoenn!

Wally stayed with a shocked expression "s/o... I'm so sorry..". You hushed him, saying that you weren't afraid of it, or sad. Maybe you were a long time ago but now? You were fine!

To lighten the mood, you reassured him that everything was ok. Wally was awed at how much you accepted your fate. He understood, since he had his own issues as well, but to know you were dying and still be happy? He doesn't think even he could be as jolly.

You brightened up the somber atmosphere with optimism, stating that you were here, and ready to make the most out of everything!

Wally couldn't help his racing heart when you smiled. Your cheerfulness and determination made him feel so warm and fuzzy inside. It was more then obvious he had a massive crush on you, and in a way, you returned those feelings as well.

Once that was clear cut, you decided to ask him out! Gosh, he was a blushing mess when you did, stuttering over his words and behaving more meek then normal. But... He accepted, a small smile on his lips.

The date was simple, but very cute. You two were strolling together around both Verdanturf town and Mauville city. The old couple of the daycare even let you both help tend with some of the pokemon. Although Wally was a bit hesitant, the pokemon cooed to his gentleness and calm nature. It was truly a precious moment!

It didn't take much time for you two to become a thing! Although yous never said it directly, it was clear as day you two were helplessly in love with each other.

It was also around this time you and Wally decided to resume your pokemon journey. Wally suggested you two stick together for the remainder of it, and you found the idea cute, so you two did!

But the plan didn't last too long.. halfway through your two's adventure, you began to cough. You often didn't think much of it, since it was something that happened a lot for you. Given your conditions and... everything.

But once you looked down at your hand, you noticed it was stained with.... Blood? You had coughed out blood, some of it coming out in small clumps.

This hadn't happened before, and you were actually... Very scared. Perhaps because it reminded you of your morality.. or because of Wally.

You couldn't let him see you like this. What would happen? How would he react? The last thing you wanted was to suspend his own adventure just because of you.

Wally noticed how quiet you got after your coughing fit, and asked if something was wrong. You hid away your bloody hand and hastily wiped any remaining traces of blood on your mouth, turning to him with your smile that always tug on his heartstrings "Yep! I'm fine! Just..."

You had to find an excuse. A way so Wally wouldn't suspect something. So, in a slightly sudden voice, you told Wally it was time to part ways.

At first, he interpreted it as you breaking up with him, which left him confused and very hurt; but when you explained it was just because you wanted to get the next gym badge, he sighed in relief you weren't ending the relationship. Although he was still puzzled by why you wanted to go on your own and a part of him didn't want you to leave. Something didn't feel right.

But you reassured him you'd see him again! And told him you two could still keep in contact through the phone! Although he still felt like something was... off... Wally just chopped it up to him being paranoid, and maybe even a little bit possessive? He wasn't sure, relationships were such a new concept to him.

With that and a peck on the cheek, you took off! And Wally waved you goodbye.

Wally then decided, he needed to get stronger! He hoped that the next time you two saw each other, you'd be impressed with how much he improved as a trainer and as a person, who wasn't bound to his illness.

Illness.. that's right, you were also sick, but much worse. Honestly, you were so good at hiding and quickly recovering from the symptoms, Wally almost forgot you were dying..

His chest ached at the thought of you dying. One of his fears was you dying before he could even talk with you again. His heart held so much love for you, and Wally wished that somehow he could take away your pain...

But your numbered days served as motivation. He wanted to get stronger, for you. He wanted to show you how far he came, and how far you've come!

Wally believed in you as well. He found you admirable for your optimism. He thought you could do anything! And that, even if you were dying, you'd survive, and make it.

Wishful thinking, I suppose.

But as Wally got stronger, you only grew weaker. The doctors you had visited said your condition had suddenly worsen out of the blue.

They said, at best, they could give you a few extra weeks of life. Maybe a month or 3, but you'd be heavily restricted. At that point, you'd be stuck to a hospital bed; your journey finishing right then and there.

So, you went against what they said. You held onto hope that, at the very least, you'd be able to collect all the gym badges.

Your calls with Wally became a bit more frequent, which he didn't reject to. Actually, he was really, really happy to hear you! Sometimes he'd get scared that something awful happened to you, so hearing your voice helped calm him.

You avoided telling him the truth though, instead asking about him, his Pokemon, and how far he is. Wally answered every question you had, becoming especially bright regarding his trainer status. You could hear the light and excitement irradiating from his voice, which made you smile.

When he asked about yours, you put on a cheery voice as you often did. Telling him everything was grand! You'd gotten a lot stronger, and had managed to collect another gym badge!

He congratulated you, saying how awesome you were! He asked if, when you two met again, you'd be willing to battle him.

You paused for a moment, not sure how to reply. You didn't want him to see you, not in your slowly deteriorating state. But at the same time you missed him. You wanted to see him again, physically. So, with an unheard reluctance, you agreed to the brawl!

Wally was concerned. You had never sounded so meek before. Never sounded so resistant to see him. He wondered if he did something wrong? If he displeased you someway. He tried not to let it get to his head, but the thought did irk him.

..when Wally finally saw you, he noticed how different you looked. Wally wasn't oblivious, but he didn't know how to bring it up. So, for the time being, you guys caught up! You told Wally how far you've gotten so far, and showed off your collection of badges! You also showed him your Pokemon, how strong they had gotten.

But Wally kept quiet, or replied only in short sentences. You notice his concern expression intensify upon bringing your Pokemon out. Their faces showed hints of sadness.

Finally, Wally asked if you were ok. Your quick reply more or less confirmed you weren't, despite your response portraying the contrary.

He took your hand into his and told you softly that, it's ok if you don't want to tell him. He just wants to make sure you're fine. His skin was so soft you had just noticed, and his delicate hold brought you comfort.

So, with hesitance, you finally told him what was happening. You told him how your illness had advanced, how limited your time was, what they adviced and why you went against it.

Wally looked at you with shock and sadness, but he tried not to overreact. Instead, he held you.

You brushed off his concern, and challenged him to a battle! Wally was stunned by how quickly you tried shifting the topic, and he declined at first. But you reminded him of the ole' trainer rule:

If two trainers lock eyes with one another, it is mandatory they begin a battle!

You wanted to distract yourself and him. You didn't want your illness to be a burden. At the very least you wanted to enjoy the time you had with him instead of focusing solely on you.

When the battle concluded, as if on cue, you coughed out. Wally could tell you were in pain, even if you tried playing it off as if you weren't. He quickly came to you, asking what was wrong and if he needed to call the hospital!

You weakly say it's fine, but Wally rebuked in an attempt to bring you back to reality. It was obvious you weren't 'fine', and he tried to convince you to go see a doctor; at the very least they could offer you some sort of pain reliever!

What was only worry for your well-being evolved into an argument. Even if you put on a happy face and chipper persona, you were suppressing a lot of emotions, and Wally was the unfortunate 'pin to the balloon'.

You let everything pour out, such poisonous words being thrown at him. Wally was stunned into silence by you, only able to endure your verbal assault. Your toxicity would of likely continued if another coughing fit hadn't taken over.

But this time, you weren't able to hide the pain. Your coughs rapidly grew worse, and the ache became too much to the point where your legs buckled in.

Wally panicked when he saw you dropping, but was able to keep calm enough to call the ambulance. He tried to help you as much as he could, but he didn't know what to do. Even you didn't.

When help finally arrived you had completely knocked out, a sickening pool of dark crimson pouring from your mouth that had convinced Wally for a moment that you were gone.

You were rushed to the nearest hospital. Wally wanted to come along with you, but the doctors refused and didn't take the precious time to hear his pleas.

..for the next few days, all Wally could think about was you. His journey had reached another stop, and he tried to stay at the hospital for as long as he could.

The only people he seemed to interact with was his gardivour, his uncle, and his parents. Other then that he had turned completely mute.

He felt guilty, as if this was his fault. The last thing you'd remember if you didn't make it was the two of you getting into an argument. Maybe if he hadn't been so pushy, you wouldn't of had a fit and be here.

He knew it was dumb to think like that, but he couldn't help it.

Sometimes, he'd visit your Pokemon who had been transported to a daycare in the hospital. They seemed just as scared as Wally was, but he knew fearing wouldn't do anything; it wasn't what you wanted either.

So, he tried to be positive. He thought you'd be able to pull through. You were one of the strongest people he knew!

You couldn't die yet, not when you hadn't even completed the gym challenges!

His optimism brought hope to your Pokemon, and to him as well! But Wally was split if he truly believed in what he just preached.

And every day that passed. Every hour you remained in your bed, motionless minus your chest pumping up and down from a machine you were hooked up with.

That hope grew dimmer and dimmer.

Sometimes he'd talk to you, gently rubbing your hand. Your guardian(s) allowed him to be near you, which he couldn't be more thankful for.

He'd tell you about his day, how boring the hospital was. He wondered if you could hear him? He hoped you could.

Wally missed you. He missed you so, so much. He missed seeing you walking around, he missed hearing your voice; he just wanted you.

Wally tried to pull himself together. He didn't want to seem weak in front of you, not when you needed the utmost attention right now. But he couldn't control himself for long.

Wally's gentle whimpers grew into uncontrollable crying. He was pleading to you, pleading to anyone, begging anyone to just---not take you away.

"P-please, S/O... I can't lose you. I...I love you!"

He wanted his words to reach you somehow, so that maybe... Maybe you would wake up.

But no amount of love laced words could pull you from your eternal slumber.

Your heart monitor began dropping. The beating of the machine inducing an intense anxiety into Wally. He cried out for help, and the doctors and nurses flooded the room like water.

Wally was pushed outside the room and force to watch as the medical team desperately tried to revive you. He felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach when every attempt resulted in nothing. No response, nothing.

The doctor came up to Wally, a sad expression on his face. The world went silent. He was muttering out words, lips moving, but Wally couldn't hear anything.

He didn't need to. He knew.

And he just breaks..

He's crying, perhaps even hyperventilating as the doctors attempted to calm him down. Wally knew you were gone. He thought he would be prepared for it, but the impact was too much for him to handle.

He cries, he cries a lot.

And then your funeral comes, but there aren't any tears. Not because he isn't sad, but because he can't squeeze anymore out. He just looks at your coffin in melancholy.

For awhile, Wally doesn't leave his house. When he returned to his parents, he is was nearly mute, and only stayed inside. All that progress had regressed, and he was back to his old self.

Wally wanted to care for your Pokemon himself, but he just wasn't in a good place. He couldn't even care for his own Pokemon, but they understood; your death affected them as well.

With some outside help from his family and his/your Pokemon, Wally slowly got better. Slow, but better.

It was painful for him, but he had to accept keeping you in memory while moving on.

He likes to think you'd want him to go forward, complete his journey. And he came up with a motivator; he couldn't be doing it for himself now, but for the both of you.

He'd do this. For you, and for himself.

He'll get stronger. He'll get braver. Because that's what you may of wanted from him.

Wally would never love someone as much as he did you. You mean the world to him. If only you two had more time together.

Wally will always miss you. The pain will lessen, perhaps even some of his feelings. But his love for you will mostly remain intact.

Wally would visit your grave frequently. But as time went on, the visits became less frequent. Still, he always brought your favourite gifts and most times your Pokemon came along with him.

He'll never forget you. Never.

This lovely artist is the person, I believe, made the drawing! I didn't ask for permission however, so if they ask me to remove the art, I shall!

[subtle-edge-of-rot]

Work guy update!

Sorry, it's been a stressful few days so I've laid off social media for a bit lmao but I have updates

He has bigger tiddies than me. That's it. That's the cake.

LMAO okay fr this time. He and I have been talking a lot at work :) we work alone for the most part, now, and we get to just chat about only God knows what. He's told me a lot about his family and even offered to take me to his pig farm when his one sow has her babies 🤭

I got gutsy and asked if he wanted to go to the movies with some of my friends and I. He really likes Marvel, and he said he hadn't been to the movies since the Live Action Jungle Book came out. So I offered. He said "Hey, thanks for the offer, I'm not going to be able to make it, but thanks". Which was okay, I was a bit disappointed, but it worked since I ended up not going because my friends pissed me off.

(I live 30 miles from town, had to stop my chores to head to town, got to the movies at 3:20 because it started at 3:30. No one was showing up and I THANKFULLY texted the guys I was going with before I bought my ticket because they decided they were going to the 4:15 show and didn't tell me. So I just went and hung out with another friend.)

But I was talking to Work GuyTM today and he said he was out of town or else he would have went, so I told him I ended up not going but if he gets time our next day off we could go, and he said maybe 👀 so 👀👀

I might ask him to go fishing with me instead though, that way we can talk and goof around instead of sitting through Doctor Strange since both of us are kind of scared to watch it with how Marvel's been lately LMAO

Oh, the other day he found a black Widow. I pointed it out because it was trying to fall from its web onto him and he grabbed it by the web and fr walked it outside like a dog. This man is fr crazy lmao

ALSO HE WAS LIKE LISTING OFF ALL THE GOOD QUALITIES OF ALASKA BECAUSE HE WANTS TO MOVE THERE??? I-

He didn't straight up tell me to move, but it felt like he was hinting and trying to see if I would ever move away from where we lived. He seemed interested when I said I'd rather move up North than South(Texas got brought up) because I prefer the cold. He was all "yeah, me too, love the cold." And then he started telling me about his plans for Alaska or Montana. Which I've thought about moving to Montana tbh.

He also was telling me about scars he has and all that jazz. I want to hold his hand fr. I wish America wasn't weird about physical affection towards friends, and that I didn't get overstimulated so easily 😭

He also started bringing extra water for both our water bottles- like- love this guys heart, it's so big fr

Sorry it took me so long to see this update, I’ve been in a mood lately and I’ve kinda checked out, but I’m feeling better today!

Wow a lot has happened! He seems like a genuinely sweet guy who’s testing the waters to see if you two are compatible 😌 also you better go see the piglets at the pig farm!!! Pigs are so cute. And this guy isn’t a pig but he also sounds cute so double cuteness.

For real keep us updated I love seeing all my friends out here being happy and having new experiences and possibly falling in love 🥰

[euterp3]

🌺Leorio Fluff ABC🌺

Some soft Leorio Headcanons because the tag is EMPTY. 🌺 Enjoy the Leorio Fluff ABC! More under the cut ✨

A = affection (how affectionate are they in day to day life? Do they show affection publicly or keep that more in private?)

FOREHEAD KISSES. I take Leorio as a person, who likes to keep his affection private, but whenever you’re out in public he’ll hold your hand, give you short forehead kisses or just stays close to you. But at home, he’s way more affectionate. He’ll hug you from behind, cuddle with you while watching TV or give you a lot of soft kisses.

B = best memory (what is the best memory they have with you)

His favorite memory is going on a spontaneous car trip with you in the middle of the night. The two of you screaming your favorite songs while he drives, stopping in the middle of nowhere to look at the stars.

C = cat or dog person

Both. Leorio probably loves both animals to pieces, don’t make him choose 😭

D = dreams (what do they want to do in life?)

Well, aside from finally becoming a doctor, I’d assume that Leorio would want to live with his s/o in a pretty house, maybe a family, if his partner would agree.

E = evenings (how do they spend their evening? So they go out? Do they read?)

Since Leorio has to learn a TON for his exams and studies, he’ll probably learn a lot at home but still tries to leave spend his evenings with you. Either at home or he takes you out occasionally. If you stay at home, prepare for cuddly movie evenings with popcorn and ice cream.

F = first date (what was it like?)

Gosh, he is N E R V O U S. You guys talked about how bad his cooking skills are, so you invite him over to cook something with you. After finishing the meal, you two sit on your couch and start watching the show Leorio has been talking about for the last weeks. He slowly comes closer and asks you, if you would comfortable with him putting an arm around your shoulders. You agree and lean closer to him. Leorio is absolutely tensed up, until you turn around and laugh at him. He slowly realises, that there is no need to be this tense and opens up.

(after that you guys decided to go on a few more dates until he finally asks you out <3)

G = giggle (what is their laugh like? What makes them laugh?)

A warm, hearty laugh! Leorio is such an open person, so I think he would genuinely enjoy bad dad jokes, terrible puns or funny moments with his friends.

H = hugs (do they like hug? What kind of hugs do the give?)

Give this poor man a hug, he’s stressed out 😭 he is probably pretty touch starved and loves hugs so much, since he rarely gets some.

I = instrument (do they play an instrument?)

If Leorio could play an instrument, I’d take him for an acoustic guitar or even ukulele player.

J = joy (what brings them joy in life?)

His friends, his partner, M o n e y. And spending quality time with his favorite people.

K = kisses (what kind of kisser are they? Shy? Passionate?)

Leorio likes to pamper his partner with kisses and as soon as he knows that they’re comfortable with it, he will do it as often as he can. His kisses are either soft and loving or very heated and passionate.

L = love (how do they act when they have a crush)

What a dork. He’s so helpless and tries to impress you so much but he’s actually embarrassing himself. Expect a lot of secondhand embarrassment until his friends (probably Kurapika) can’t take it anymore and talk to him. He’ll deny it at first but admit it after a while. After that talk, Leorio will try to act more normal around you, but still flustered.

M = memory (what’s their favourite memory?)

That one time you two decided to go on a roadtrip in the middle of the night after Leorio finally finished his exams for the semester. The semester has been extremely stressful, so he was happy to take a breather. After driving for hours in the middle of nowhere while listening to your playlist with your favorite songs, you take a short walk to watch the stars.

N = no (what is their pet peeve?)

Leorio is a very insecure about the dark under-eye rings he got due to his terribly exhausting shifts. Please don’t make fun of this handsome Himbo.

O = occupation (what’s their dream job?)

Emergency Doctor 🌺

P = parent (what kind of parent would they be?)

The best dad with the worst jokes. A very loving parent but still strict enough to raise his children right.

Q = questions (do they believe in the super natural? Aliens? Anything along those lines)

After meeting so many different people in his life, I bet he’s ready for everything and everyone else.

R = romantic (are they romantic during the relationship?)

What a sap. He loves to spoil you with little thoughtful gifts. I imagines Leorio’s love language to be gifts and quality time since he’s sometimes at a loss of words.

S = smile (what makes them smile without fail)

Literally everything. But most likely his partner, friends, loving memories and looking back at all the achievements he’s made in his life.

T = together (how clingy are they? How long do you two spend together per day on average)

Since our man is always busy or needs to learn, he tries to spend at least a few hours with you, even if it means just sitting next to you while he’s learning for his exams.

U = unbearable (what habit do they have that’s unbearable? What habit do you have that they find unbearable)

Leorio leaves his dirty socks all over your shared flat for you to find them, which drives you INSANE sometimes. On the other hand, he hates it when you forget to open the window after showering and often complains about you sitting too close to your phone since it’s bad for your posture and eyes.

V = videos (do they take lots of videos or photos during your relationship?)

He takes a decent amount of cute selfies of you two, with either funny moments or adorable filter.

W = wedding (what was the wedding like?)

Your wedding was a very lovely and smaller feast with all of your loved ones. Leorio prefers quality over quantity and wanted you to enjoy your special day to the fullest. (also, imagine this beautiful man in a wedding suit, my heart-)

X = eXtra (what’s an interesting fact about them that they don’t tell anyone about?)

After your first cooking date, he decided that he’d need to learn how to cook properly in order to impress you. He learned pretty quickly and was so proud of himself when he surprised you with a pretty good meal (for Leorio Standard)

Y = yuck (what do they hate? Could be a food, scent, word anything)

Late night shifts at work. They exhaust him the most and he often forgets to count how many cups of coffee he already had.

Z = zzzz (how heavy of a sleeper are they? How do they sleep? What mood do they wake up in? Really any sleeping headcanons)

Shifts in hospitals are absolutely terrible and exhausting, so Leorio probably suffers from insomnia and is always tired. It often happens that he planned something with you for the evening, but falls asleep next so you instead because he is just so tired. He also loves to cuddle with you to fall asleep or makes you read him stories until he falls asleep. He also likes to sleep in on his days off. 🌺

Ah, that was fun to write!! I know, that I'm definitely rusty asf but I hope you like it nonetheless 💕

[ciaossu-imagines]

Reblogging because I'm going to be doing this again for the next three hours or so...should I be working on commissions? Yes. But I am so fucking exhausted and do not have that mental energy, while all these asks are pretty easy on the mind and help me feel good and better and productive. I am so sorry to the two commissioners - Martha, I am working on the fic slowly, while the smut match is 3/4 of the way done, so I promise you two I am working on them. Tonight is just not the night.

Was I supposed to work today? No. Did I work today? Yes...also, what the fuck is up with the amount of old men who feel completely okay going on twenty minute rants, ripping me new ones, telling me I'll be the cause of their death, all because I 'refuse to give them their prescriptions'. Note - I have never refused, unless it's a controlled substance where their doctor has flat out put a days interval on it. Note - I simply say that I can fill it but they will have to pay because their insurance is not going to cover it because it's, in today's case, something like 60 days too soon. As in, he'd just gotten it filled 22ish days ago. So, I let him know that...go over the whole, we gave you 45 pills 22 days ago, you're taking half a tab every morning, you should still have plenty left, maybe check at home and if you honestly can't find them, you'll unfortunately have to pay out of pocket. He openly fucking admitted, and I quote, "Well, I feel better if I take 2 of those a day, so that's what I've been doing". And then has the nerve to tell me I'll be the direct cause of his death if I don't give him his pills for free, his pills he's misusing, and that he hopes I'm okay having that on my conscious which has really fucked with my super-sensitive heart and my anxious brain. My head is just super fried from idiocy today (start of RV park season, so lots of those types in today too, wanting two or three pills loaned to them without letting us contact their pharmacy to get a transfer because they didn't want the extra work of transferring it back but didn't bring their pills because they 'didn't want to forget them at the trailer' and I'm still low-key pissed off and worried I might have caused bodily harm to someone and just...sleepover is what I am in the mood for and what will bring me joy, so let's do this, haha! I love you guys and this blog...thank you, guys, for letting me do this for so long. I feel really blessed in that regard.

Sleepover Prompts

Prompts for the Admin

Talking about books prompt

Writing talk prompt

Fandom talk prompt

About the mun

More talk about writing and fandom prompt

Character talk prompt

What's my trademark?

Interaction prompt, I guess

Prompts for the Characters: Fandoms Written for

NSFW Questions

You can also use the about the mun for the characters - just know the only answer you'll get to sexuality and gender is 'whatever you think is what it is'

Would you rather NSFW questions

This or that?

Favourites?

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

The Best Things ~ J.V. (part 8)

A/n: This part is super upsetting. Character death, graphic violence, I dare even say gore. Homophia, which I should have been warning a while back I am so sorry for that. Things are gonna get HEAVY- I am so sorry lol.

Word Count: 3800+

Playlist

Masterlist

"Nah, you're not crazy," Harleen giggled.

"Says you," Y/n teased, rolling his eyes. "You may have a doctorate, but you're also bias."

Her smile widened. "Okay that's fair." Y/n sighed, sitting back in his chair. He looked down at his hands, smile small as he got lost in thought. "What's on your mind?"

"Harleen is kind of a mouthful," Y/n told her. "Do you like the name?"

She tilted her head, as if considering. "I never did. When I was younger I had a friend who called me Lee, but with things happening-" Y/n's face scrunched up and Harleen snorted. "Exactly. Name's already taken- and it would be even weirder if I went by Dr. Lee, so I scratched it."

Y/n nodded. Then he sat forward, his elbows resting on the table. "So you've never had any other nicknames?" She shook her head and then shrugged when Y/n donned a surprise expression. "Well I have to give you one then. That's what friends do, right?" She grinned at Y/n's words and he watched the room get a little brighter. She was magic like that- as if she was made of sunshine. Her happiness was contagious, and she made the world a little better. She was accepting and also calm, making him feel safe as well as loved. She was his best friend and he was hers and they gave each other something they couldn't get with anyone else: unhindered fun with absolutely no expectations. It was an odd place to find real friendship in, but here they were anyway. "What about... Leena?" She immediately shook her head and he chuckled. "Uh... I mean, there's always Harley."

She considered that. "You know what, I like it." She crossed her arms. "Harley Quinzel." She nodded. "I'll allow it."

Y/n rolled his eyes. She was only like four years older than him, but had far too quickly fallen into a rhythm of acting like an adult talking to a child every once in a while, as a joke. Whether she was flaunting the years she had over him, or the schooling, Y/n wasn’t sure, but he refused to acknowledge it and it had become an unspoken inside joke between them. "What about you? I have to give you one now."

Y/n shrugged. "I don't like nicknames."

Harley tilted her head, the bottom of her blonde ponytail brushing her shoulder. "Why not? You like giving them."

"Well, yeah..." He bit his lip. "It's just, every bad guy has a code name, you know? Oswald Cobblepot goes by Penguin. Edward Nygma is going around as Riddler. Then there's Mr. Freeze. I just feel like if I take an alias, it'll be official you know? I'll be as crazy as the people I associate with and as evil as everyone says I am."

Harley hummed. "Okay, that's fair." She sighed, raising her hands to rest her chin in her palm. "Speaking of people you associate with. You and Jerome..."

Y/n's mood darkened. It had been a while now and Oswald was gone and Jerome still hadn't made an appearance. "I think he's mad at me." Harley tilted her head in confusion and Y/n shrugged. "I left with Alfred because Bruce needed me. Didn't give him a heads up, and then went missing for, like, months..." He shook his head. "Maybe he thinks I've gone back to my old life, or that I've left him behind. I just feel like he's avoiding me and one doesn't usually do that for no reason, so I figure-"

"What if he's just busy?" Harley proposed.

Y/n snorted. "With what? Reading a really good book series?"

Harley pursed her lips. "I guess you have a point."

"Why do you even care?" Y/n asked, raising his hands to knit his fingers behind his head.

Harley stared at him silently for a long time. She had the look on her face she always does when she'd trying to read Y/n's mind. When she's analyzing everything she learned in school and looking at the actions and words that he was currently giving as context, as well as past ones, and then somehow putting it all together to figure out the secrets sometimes even he didn't know. The same magic that made Arkham home also gave her the ability to read minds- Y/n had determined she was a proper superhero.

After she reached some kind of conclusion - she always nodded after she'd done the reading and then switched which leg was crossed over the other - a little smile teased her lips. She was trying to hide it. And failing. Y/n tried not to be curious. Usually when Harley didn't tell him something it was because he wasn't ready to hear it... but that smile. It was too late. He had to know. "What?"

Once he asked, the gate broke and she grinned. "You're in love with him."

Y/n snorted. "No. I'm not." The coy curl of Harley's lips added to her raised eyebrows to make Y/n doubt himself, even though he could feel his feelings and knew that it wasn't... he didn't... no way. "He's important to me," Y/n gave. "I care for him. But... love..." Y/n shook his head. "I don't know about that. There's been too much going on- I haven't had enough time with him."

She nodded, expression serious, as if this was a very important discovery. "I call Maid of Honor at the wedding though." They locked eyes as Y/n went to tell her off, but then a slow smile rose to her face as he realized she was joking. They both busted up into laughter.

"Whoever I marry, the position is yours." He winked at her and she flipped her hair, both of them giggling.

A timer went off. Harley stood, gathering her stuff and sighing. "That's my cue. Same time tomorrow?"Y/n nodded then stood.

He draped his arm around her shoulders. "You know, you make this place bearable. You're a real friend to me." He kissed her forehead. "What would I do without you, hm?"

She rested her head on his shoulder for a second before they began walking and it got too awkward to coordinate. "Probably the same thing I'd do without you. Be alone and miserable." She popped up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. He pretended to gag and she fell into a short fit of soft giggles. "You're an idiot."

"Ah and yet what I lack for a brain, I make up with a big-" He cut off and she groaned. "Heart," he enunciated. He smirked and she rolled her eyes. "I have quite a large heart, full of love for my favorite gal." He shook her slightly, making a point that said gal was her.

"Every lesbian deserves a best friend with as little brains and as big a heart as you," Harley joked.

"And every gay deserves a best friend with as much brain and just as much heart as you." He finally let her go as she moved to the door that would lead outside. This is where they parted- her, to home, as he was her last patient as per usual. Him, further into the Asylum where he would have dinner then return to his room to be alone and sleep. Goodbyes were the pair's least favorite part of the day. "Until we next meet, Madame," Y/n initiated, pulling away to bow deeply.

Harley grabbed her doctor's coat lightly, pulling it out as if it was a dress as she bowed back. "I shall count the seconds." They laughed one last time, waving before she turned and left. He watched her go until she disappeared. She turned back several times to wave yet again, until she couldn't see him either just by turning around.

The second she was out of sight, the world lost a little color. It was a little darker. His smile got smaller and Y/n's shoulders sagged. He shoved his hands in his pockets before turning back to the hallway that lead to his room, beginning the trek.

A hand on his shoulder stopped him. People rarely touched him. The only person that touched him like this was one that Y/n hated so much that his hands curled into fists in his pocket, his face suddenly cold and empty as he stared straight ahead, halfway through a step- his foot on the ground and extended, but not carrying him forward as it had been intended to. He took a deep breath through his nose. Unfortunately, in all the chaos and people getting booted from Arkham after beating on Y/n, the one person that meant the most hadn't been caught because everyone refused to rat him out.

The man who'd started it all.

"You and her..." The older guard mused, a nasty smirk on his ugly face. "I thought you were gay." He said it mockingly, like he'd caught a child who hadn't said they weren’t hungry sneaking food when everyone seemed to be asleep.

Y/n rolled his eyes, forcing his body to relax as he faced the man. The monster. "Not every girl in the world was born solely for men to shove a dick into them, Jameson." The older man glared and Y/n smiled, getting satisfaction. "As a matter of a fact, Harley and I are just friends."

"You're pretty affectionate for just friends," Jameson argued. Y/n still didn't know the man's first name. He didn't care enough too. He didn't want another name that tasted bitter in his mouth. He already had his fingers crossed he'd never meet a cute boy with the last name Jameson, because the name alone would ruin Y/n's chances before he'd even taken a shot. No reason to make it even harder for himself.

"We're comfortable around each other." He rolled his shoulder back once, slightly stiff from sitting so long. Jameson wouldn't attack, knowing that Y/n would report him instantly- especially in such an open space, with cameras and the chance of someone rounding the corner any second - but one could never be too safe, just in case. "She gets me like no one else does. But, as you so wonderfully pointed out, I'm GAY." Y/n enunciated the word, going the extra mile by taking a step closer to stress it even more. "Girls aren't my thing."

Jameson looked like he wanted to deck Y/n. The younger boy's lips curved into a mocking smile in response. Now the guard was the one who had to control himself. "You guys have a lot in common?"

Y/n shrugged, too caught up in his casual gloating that Jameson couldn't act out like he wanted to- like he used to be able to. "Enough. We talk a lot. She's cool." He relaxed thinking about Harley. "She doesn't think I'm crazy. It's nice." He cleared his throat, focusing back on the enemy in front of him... only to immediately be confused by the very odd expression on Jameson's face. "What?"

"Nothing," the man dismissed, moving to leave. "I've heard enough. You're both a waste." He shook his head as he left and Y/n glared at his back until he was gone. Then the boy turned back toward the cell and finally made his way.

Man, why did he have to be surrounded by such assholes? Why couldn't Harley be around all the time? Why couldn't he be free? They could get an apartment and talk all the time. Help each other get through life and protect each other from unwanted attention. Be themselves all the time. Make jokes and exchange irritated expressions when idiots like Jameson said stupid shit like he always tended to.

Tomorrow. He'd see her tomorrow. That wasn't too far away.

He could wait until then.

-

Y/n's knees gave out from under him and he fell, cracking them on the cement. He didn't even feel it. His attention was being completely held by the TV, which was turned onto the news. It was a small screen that had been installed in one of the Day Rooms recently. They were rarely ever allowed to watch the news, though. In places like Gotham, far too often the news held very upsetting content that set inmates off- either into panics, or into violent rages. Y/n had stood to turn it off when he'd realized what news was being shared. Someone had been murdered. Old news. This was Gotham. Then he'd heard the name.

"23-year-old Harleen Quinzel was found dead earlier today. Her body was badly beaten, with words carved into her stomach. It was the cuts on her wrist that were the cause of death, though it's been determined that none of this was self inflicted. We received a photo of the body recently. Beware: what you're about to see is not for the faint of heart."

Suddenly the screen was showing the broken body of Y/n's best friend. The sunshine girl with the bright smile and the contagious laugh. The girl who was going to be Y/n's Maid of Honor. Y/n's better half. She was limp and unmoving, her eyes wide and empty. Her skin was pale, nearly white, except for where dark, huge bruises and blood discolored it. Her hair had been cut off, the blonde locks left next to her head but clearly detached. Her shirt had been rolled up to letters on her stomach- carved as promised.

There was an L next to a G, in a circle and crossed through once. Underneath the symbol read: Sinner.

Someone was talking, but Y/n couldn't make out what they were saying. A hand in his shoulder and he looked over to see a concerned guard. A woman. She knelt next to Y/n, but she wasn't the one touching him. No, that hand belonged to Jameson, who had a sick expression on his face- a cross between smugness and victory, muted as if he was trying to hide it, badly masked by some version of concern that was so unconvincing that Y/n ripped his shoulder out of the older man's hand.

He was on his feet again and running. Out of the room and to his cell- despite all the people who kept asking him what was going on, and someone in the very back changing the channel as the news reporter announced, "If you have any information, please contact-" Y/n ignored the rules. He ignored the people yelling at him. He ignored the people trying to stop him. He just started running and he didn't stop until he was in his room, where he opened the door and closed it behind him. His heart was ramming against his chest and all he could hear was the rushing of his blood in his ears. He saw black spots and felt an emotion bubble up that he couldn't even begin to put name to. All he knew was that it was dark and twisting and it was very quickly consuming everything good.

Something in him broke. It snapped off. Something vital. Y/n was aching, but he didn't know what it was or where it had fallen to as he lost it. He just knew there was suddenly a gaping hole where something very important used to be, and he felt absolutely terrible with it gone.

On the upside, he could finally breathe. His chest loosened and his body relaxed and as the door opened behind him, he turned to see the person with complete calm.

"Jameson." The word was not a greeting, but more of an observation. No. It was an accusation. The older man smiled and Y/n's insides began to twist and boil- less like a tightening of anxiety and more like a snake, seconds from attacking. "Why?" He stepped forward. "She was innocent."

Jameson scoffed. "You think you two are subtle? You two act like you're together and then talk about how you're not- you just 'get' each other." Jameson shook his head, cracking his knuckles. "You're spreading your sickness, Y/n." The snake coiled tighter, hissing and spitting. Y/n felt his calmness very quickly drop, perfectly placed with rage. His body didn't move, he just suddenly had a bunch of energy and he was waiting for the perfect moment to use it. "You two aren't quiet either. Strutting around here acting so out of line, in front of me. Acting like you're not being evil." Jameson scoffed. "You're evil, Y/n. And if they wouldn't let me punish you here, I'd have to get more creative. Even if you don't see it, you're in love with her. What you think you are is unnatural, and I knew if you could see how you really feel-"

Y/n's hand was around the man's throat. Jameson tried to push the younger boy away or claw his hand off, but Y/n just rammed him into the wall behind him. Jameson's head cracked against the grey wall, his efforts suddenly becoming useless. "You think I'm dangerous as a disease? You're so desperate to cure me. You're about to find just how very dangerous I am, Jameson. All on my own, with just my two hands." And then he began to squeeze. Jameson writhed and fought and clawed but when he started to get strong, Y/n would smash his head again or ram his knee into the man's junk and the efforts died down once again.

It took longer than Y/n thought. Jameson started to change color, his eyes bulging and his lips moving desperately but nothing coming in or out. Just when the man seemed about ready to pass out, Y/n let him drop to the floor. He gasped, clawing to try and get away. Y/n smiled, toeing the door gently closed. Jameson squirmed away, features taken over completely with terror. Y/n felt amazing.

"You will never hurt another person, ever again." Y/n squatted down, taking the man's thin hair in his hands. "Me however?" Y/n giggled. "You've helped create a monster. Know that every person I kill in the future is on your hands. Every injury is your fault. I'm not a violent person, Jameson." He snorted. "Well, I wasn't. But it seems you fuckwads only answer to violence, so..." Y/n shrugged casually. Jameson shook his head, choking out pleads for his life. Y/n snapped the man's neck and he stopped begging. It was so easy... The silence was wonderful. Y/n felt a weight lift off of his shoulders. "I'm done sitting idly while assholes run Gotham." Y/n stood, not even bothering to do anything but leave the door wide open as he walked calmly away, grinning like an idiot.

Something had been broken and lost indeed. It was Y/n's self control. His moral compass that kept him grounded and toeing the line between good and bad. It was the thing that kept reminding him he was a Wayne. That he was a good person. That he had a family that depended on him, in some way or another. That he had Alfred and Bruce, who he did want to visit even if he also wanted a life outside of them. That he had Oswald, who most often found solace in Y/n's sanity and depended on his restraint to reel him in when people were trying to set him off; Oswald needed Y/n's sense to balance his emotions. And, overall, Y/n was driven by pure spite not to let those damn reporters be right. He would be good and successful and he would show all of them that he could be more than the black sheep of the Wayne family. The disappointment of Gotham. The failure, always in the shadow of the Golden Boy younger brother Bruce Wayne.

But those people who Y/n cared about so much had let people like Jameson walk around, unhindered and unchecked. They had let him get beat up for a very long time before he was nearly killed and their hand was forced. They had let evil people run around and control things while they locked up Y/n for being gay. For being attracted to a man even though he wasn't a woman. There were murderers running wild, with super powers and incredible genius, but the problem people were deciding to focus on was that Y/n was gay.

Well, he was done with the lot of them. He was going to get out and prove to all of them that he was more than a Wayne. More than a mistake. More than a shadow. More than evil or good. More than Bruce's older brother. More than the one dude who had feelings for Jerome Valeska. More than one more gay plague on the face of the planet.

They wanted a monster? They would get one. And Y/n wasn't going to stop until he was satisfied, even if it meant all of Gotham had to die.

-

"Knock knock."

The door opened and Y/n looked over, his face finally showing emotion as his surprise rose. "Jerome?"

The redhead smiled, striding toward Y/n as if he has a tasty treat to share. "My little lover boy." Jerome hooked his finger under Y/n's chin. Y/n yanked his face away. Jerome frowned. "Are you mad at me, pretty boy?" Y/n glared at him. "I'll take that as a yes." He leaned backward. "What have I done, My Darling?"

"You've been avoiding me. We haven't talked in, like, months Jerome. What the fuck?"

"A tad dramatic," Jerome hushed. "And not totally fault." Y/n opened his mouth to argue but Jerome gently grabbed Y/n's throat, pressing his fingers gently into the skin. Their faces were suddenly very close and despite himself, Y/n suddenly felt a thrill to finally feel their skin touch as cheek brushed cheek. "I've been busy planning our escape, if you hadn't noticed." Y/n's eyes drifted to see a nervous Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch. "Come with me, won't you? I think we've been apart long enough."

Y/n suddenly began to relax. He didn't manage to smile, but he did get excited. "Well... lead the way."

Jerome left an excited kiss on Y/n's cheek, letting his hand fall away from Y/n's throat in favor of shooting into the air in victory as he giggled, turning to his two partners. "And so we all escape! Come now, we don't have much time." Y/n stood as Jerome lead the way, all four of the men finding their way out of Arkham Asylum finally.

The fun was about to begin.

[justinsdaysinthedark]

Post # 6 - It is what it is

I'd be lying if I said I haven't spent the past half an hour with tears flowing from my eyes staring at a blank screen wondering how I'm going to get everything I've got floating in my head out. I suppose listening to Coldplay live in Argentina probably wasn't the best choice of music to set the mood. I'll work on that one in the future...

Where do I start? It's been a question I'm often asking myself at the start of these blog posts and it's certainly not the easiest one. What do you guys know? There's been so much happen since my last post on Thursday night.

Friday July 26th: I saw my doctors around lunchtime who came in quite concerned. Whilst they were confident my lymphoma was one called DLBCL (Diffuse Large B- Cell Lymphoma), some tests had come back with suspect results that it could be a more aggressive and harsh type of lymphoma called Burkitt's lymphoma and if confirmed, chemo was starting that night with no time to waste. There was also one marked in the middle (a cross of the two) called Burkitt's Like Lymphoma which is treated similarly to DLBCL. Whatever it was, I couldn't change it. I just wanted answers and if treatment needed to start, let's get it underway!

Adam, my incredible haematology doctor sent off another test of my gall bladder to finally get the confirmation I was after. It was urgent. He had to know. It was reassuring of Adam to state "Justin, we need to know what this is. Preliminary results are due back later this afternoon and that will hopefully rule out Burkitt's. if it is Burkitt's, we'll start chemo tonight and I'll be with you every step of the way - even if I have to stay back a few hours."

I know doctors earn a fair coin on a lazy day, but how many give you that much confidence that you and your health is important to them? I'm going to have it a guess and say not many but alas, I am so incredibly lucky with the team of doctors I have.

4:00pm and Adam strolls in the door heading straight for my room. My heart drops, similarly to what it had when Michael dropped the news I had lymphoma. "Good news. Preliminary results are back and we're confident it's not Burkitt's. You can't rule out anything in life, so there still is a small chance it could be. We're happy to wait for the final results on Monday, figure out a treatment plan from there and start Chemotherapy next week. Spend Saturday and Sunday on day leave and I'll see you next week."

This was news to my ears. In a time of what has been negative or no news, I could spend the weekend with family relatively freely and forget everything was happening for a few hours each day. My Uncle Bob and Aunty Denise were down from Tasmania to see me, as was my Aunty AJ and cousins from Bairnsdale so it all felt like it fit into place.

Friday night saw me considerably more relaxed with this news...that was until Collingwood started and it was the demolition it was. Slightly humorous side note, the nurse came in around 9pm for my nightly observations. Naturally, my heart rate was up a bit more than normal watching the football (118BPM - normally between 70-85BPM). This caused the nurse to call in the team of doctors who wanted to put me on an ECG machine for the night and monitor my heart. I assured them it was because Collingwood were on and if they gave me an hour, I'd be okay. It took some convincing, but it finally worked. Back they came an hour later and it had gone down - crisis averted.

Saturday afternoon and evening was wonderful. I went down to dads for dinner and was fortunate enough to spend some much needed time with family over a beautiful dinner and good laugh.

Sunday was much the same. I went home, mum did a fair chunk of washing for me as I spent it being me. Seeing Courtney, napping in my own bed and even headed over to Fountain Gate and got some much needed new clothes and other miscellaneous items - something that seems so simple but is such a luxury when you've spent the past 15 days in hospital.

Monday July 29th: They say the more you think positively, the more positive news you shall receive....or it goes something like that right? I woke up this morning the most upbeat and best I'd felt in weeks. I felt fine. I felt no pain, almost like I'd woken up from a shitty hotel! In all honesty, I felt like I'm abusing the system however I keep being quickly reminded how much I need to be here. Did I wake up so positive because I lived my old life for 16 hours over the weekend? Is it because I was hoping to hear a reasonably positive outcome with this lymphoma test? Probably a mix of both if I'm honest. But whatever it was, I was hopeful.

Adam came around at roughly 10:00am. Didn't really have much for me in terms of news but more of an outline of the day. If they hear the results of the test they were waiting on, they'd write me up a treatment plan ASAP and get chemo started this afternoon. At worst, I'd be starting it tomorrow (Tuesday). They just needed that definitive answer of what type of lymphoma I have - an answer I'd love more than anybody.

Either way, we agreed i'd need a PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) line in which basically is a long-term cannula. It runs from the inside of my arm right up and around and stops basically just outside my heart. This is for easy access for the chemotherapy and even an easy exit for blood tests - something that's proven incredibly difficult to take from me over the past few days. Additionally, these lines can last up to six months verses the three days you get from a cannula. There were too many positives to say no to!

This wasn't scheduled for any time in particular, so 1:00pm came around and I was about to be taken to get the PICC line in.

Just as I was about to leave, Adam came in with a few words I'm all too familiar with. "Well, the pathology tests we were waiting on have come back inconclusive..."

Woah. Wait. What? How do tests of my gall bladder that was removed six days ago come back inconclusive? How does one of the main sources not have enough 'data' to tell them what sort of lymphoma I have? I was just stunned.

Adam continued "As a result, we can see some signs of Burkitt's lymphoma and that's what we're going to treat you for. You're young. You should be able to handle it and it's better to over treat you than under treat and be stuck where we are at the moment. It's an intense 16-day chemo treatment that will totally wipe out your red and white blood cells as well as your platelets. We foresee you being in here for another 3-5 weeks, depending on how well your body goes getting these levels back up to normal post this first treatment..."

I honestly say this but that's all I remember from this conversation. I was hoping I'd be heading home this week but looks like that definitely won't be happening. Today marks day 40 of the past 55 days in hospital (day 15 of this stint) and if I go off the longest suggested time expected, I have another 35 days to go. That honestly crushed me.

I got taken down to get my PICC line in - quite an easy process. Very similar to putting in a larger cannula, just a whole lot longer and uses local anaesthetic as well as being guided by an ultrasound and X-ray. I'm lucky enough to have two ports, which will hopefully speed up some of my medication and how much they can pump in. Does it feel weird? The only weird part was feeling it slide down past and near my heart - but that's okay now!

By the time I return, dad made his was in to try and help process the news. We get Adam in to once again explain the process. In layman's terms, I'll be starting an intense and high-dose 16-day chemotherapy program kicking off tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. Most of the time across the next 16 days, I'll be hooked up via IV drip getting whatever medication is required. I think I saw I have rest days on days 7 & 8 which I suppose will give me two days to look forward to. At the end of the day, it's something I'm not certain on and will be a day by day process and constant learning about what's going into my body to help fight with me.

I do have one request for you all. With my body not producing red or white blood cells or platelets over the next few weeks, I do request if you are planning to visit however are sick to stay away those extra few days. With my immune system going to be at the lowest it's been, I don't particularly want to pick up something I don't need. Additionally, as much as I'd love flowers, they're also banned due to the infection risk of the spores mixing with the chemotherapy and causing some dangerous damage from the inside.

At the end of the day, if you're not sure please message me and check as I'm not entirely sure myself about everything. I'm constantly learning as I'm going.

How am I feeling? I'm nervous. I'm nervous at the unknown. How will this affect me? How bad am I going to feel? Will I lose my hair? What will my energy levels be like? In advance, I do apologise if over the next few weeks I'm not myself. Truth be told, that's because I probably won't be.

In a way, i'm finally excited to start my treatment first thing tomorrow morning (after yet ANOTHER lumbar puncture). I was so envious of both people next to me getting their first rounds of chemo today. I know mine will be intense but I just can't wait.

I've learnt so much about cancer and chemotherapy over the past four days and I know there's so much more to learn. Today I learnt I'll be incredibly highly cytotoxic, which basically means all needles and anything used on me need to go in a separate bin just for me. Additionally, I'll have to get used to the good old double flush after the toilet to ensure all waste is disposed of. Mouth ulcers are a big issue with most chemo patients as well. I'll have to start brushing my teeth after every meal and taking a special mouthwash 3x daily to assist with keeping these under control. There's plenty of other little things, but they're two I least expected.

Everything really hit me last night....not like it did tonight though. I just had twenty minutes to reflect and it just became a sudden realisation. What I'm going through is real. It's not a 'joke' anymore. It's not something they're looking at as a potential cause. It is the cause. I have a legitimate medical issue and it's finally time to fight lymphoma. All well and good to be talking the talk like I have been - it's now time to walk the walk. This sits well with me. If I give somebody my word, I do whatever I can to get it achieved. Unfortunately for the lymphoma throughout my body I've given it my word and it's time to fight it. Round one begins tomorrow morning.

I leave tonight feeling a whole lot better than I did when I started tonight's post. I didn't learn from my words earlier as Coldplay live from Argentina is still playing however I'm in a much more comfortable mind space.

My best friend of a lazy 20 years, Dylan visited tonight with his partner, Jacqui. One phrase popped up more than most and they made me aware it was a common phrase coming out of my mouth.

"It is what it is."

I can't control what's happened to me as "it is what it is." What I can control from here though is how I fight lymphoma. Thanks for the visit tonight guys, I appreciated the two hours spent here in what's been an incredibly tough afternoon.

Much love.

Juzz xx

[practicalsolutions]

Hey dude, I'm sorry you've been feeling like ass the past few days and I want you to know I don't think you're the bad guy at all. Being depressed isn't something you should fault yourself, and just by you being able to play Justin the way you do is a sign that you can feel more emotions than just pain and sadness, you are an amazing person with so many levels of complexity, and I'm truly sorry you've only been experiencing the shitty side of emotions.

Thanks for the uplifting message. I didn’t know what to say at the time and I didn’t want to just post it publicly because then I’d have to keep up that facade and be like “Depression!? Ha! I’m not depressed. I’m just losing my mind a little.”

But I’m making this public because I’m not afraid of people knowing that you are a good person and that I am an insecure trainwreck of a person.

But I AM depressed. I’ve been depressed for a long time and sometimes I just break out of the sensible, rational person I try to be and just lose it. And I feel like it takes more and more energy to hold back the whole ‘well fuck everything and fuck you’ attitude. To fight to keep that optimism that my character has, that I used to genuinely share.

It’s hard, and I can’t fathom why it’s so hard because it shouldn’t, by all rational thinking, ever be this hard. There is no rationality to the way I act, it’s all irrational and built on my own paranoia or mental falsehoods, maybe even losing the standard of time that everyone else goes by. Yesterday is vague. Something years ago is happening today. The future is dead.

And the worse thing is that I know that cycle will not change. Therapy didn’t work. Just made me feel worse. I don’t have insurance, and I lack the money and motivation to see a doctor. And what is a doctor even gonna do except give me some stupid chemical to take on a daily basis for the rest of my life. Something that has the chance to be ineffective or even dull the bad things and good things about into one big grey ‘meh’. Or even worse, not work at all and finally contribute to the multitude of forces trying to push me over that final edge.

To hell with that! I don’t allow anything push me past that edge. And I know that attitude keeps me from seeking help from medical professionals, but that attitude also prevents me from getting blackout drunk and from making other devastatingly bad decisions. Without that attitude, I would be gone right now and I know for certain because every time I lost that attitude something bad would happen to me.

Last spring I could have died. I was close to graduating. I already had certifications as an electronics technician and qualifications in building, operating, and maintaining computer systems. But the college decided to cut funding for that degree plan and they shut it down in the middle of the semester and did not even tell anyone about it until it was decided and done.

I was pissed.

No, I wasn’t pissed. I was devastated. I worked hard just for life to fuck me over again. And I gave up enough to let myself get so drunk that I descended into an even bleaker mood of ‘Fuck it.’

Drank an entire fifth of whiskey and downed 14 grams of Tylenol.

Woke up with the mother of all hangovers. Ironically went to an AA meeting with my cousin. Kept getting progressively sicker until I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed. Nobody who was with me knew what I did. I refused to go to the hospital when told to by the few internet friends who I told the situation to, though I told them ‘it was an accident’. That I ‘accidentally’ took too much extra strength tylenol over time and it reacted with the alcohol. Believable.

Well I started getting better. I’m not sure how the hell that didn’t put me in the hospital or put me in the ground, but I slowly get better even though I was pushing myself too hard and even passed out at Walmart. Nobody could tell I was struggling. Hell, I’m still scared that I’m still in danger. That maybe I really fucked something up. Even up til recently I’ve had little bruises that came from nowhere. And nosebleeds. Thought it was me being anemic like usual but even the iron supplements did next to nothing. Thank goodness I’m noticing it happen less and less.

But nobody could tell the difference between ill Tay and normal Tay. Between severely depressed Tay and ‘normal’ Tay.

Nobody could tell the difference. So I figured I was doing pretty darn great if I can function well enough in society that nobody is bugging me. But ‘functioning well enough’ is still a pretty pitiful existence and I’m not sure how long it will take for people to notice, or if people will even notice until I finally snap.

But I need to stop this stupid isolationist shit. If people know, maybe I won’t have to rely on a simple personality trait to keep me safe. Maybe I’ll be stable enough to reach out for other methods of getting better.

But it’s hard to tell them. The best I can do is screenshot/copypaste this and show it to them because I physically can’t talk about it. My thoughts get scrambled. I get so worked up that I just can’t talk and I’d rather just hide. Writing this was tough.

I’m probably never going to talk about this here again.

Thanks for believing in me. It kinda does help to know that I serve some form of purpose or that I do something that makes people’s lives better. And that, in turn, makes my life better. Not even being sarcastic. Thank you.

But there is a kind of content you guys expect and this is far from it. I’ll get back to it.