#also full disclosure these are all bops

[hyunjinsjeans]

Can you believe it?

Masterlist

Pairing: Felix x Reader

Related: He Knows Universe: Felix ver.

Summary: You and Felix started your family in an unconventional way but it worked out and in the end you even got a little surprise.

Genre: 🧸 Fluff + ❤️‍🩹 Angst and Comfort

Warnings: Mentions of infertility. Mentions of pregnancy. Health issues are discussed. Half-ass proofreading.

Word Count: 3284

AN: Surprise! I played myself with this one (I want what these two have!) Also, full disclosure: I actually wrote this one months before I even got Felix’s He Knows part 1 done… 

You wake up to the sound of your baby girl crying. Your brain does not even register that someone is next to you on the bed, it sparks into "go, go, go!" mode and you jump off the bed to stumble into your slippers and all but run out into the hallway to hear the loud sobs growing louder and louder.

Kiri's cry was desperate, making your heart feel like it was being squeezed in a cruel invisible fist. Your feet carried you in a hurry all the way to her room where you could see her pretty face now all red and wet with tears. You opened your arms at her right away and cooed at the three-year-old.

She put her arms up and let you pick her up as soon as she saw you in the dark. Her sobs started giving way to more silent cries when you held her and handed her the fluffy brown cow print blanket you got her the day you brought her home.

"What is it, baby?" You kissed the top of her head and pulled her up on your hip.

The little girl laid her head on the crook of your neck and you let her settle there while you paced her room from the door to the window.

When people said you were never ready to be a parent, they were right. You knew it already, but adopting Kiri served as confirmation. She was small and sweet, a little girl who knew little more than the system. She was given up as a newborn and although when you and Felix looked for a child to adopt you had anticipated they would probably pair you with an older one, she was what the social worker saw fit. And after almost six months of paperwork and sneaky trips to Australia, you finally got to pick up your daughter at the centre.

You were happy to introduce her to Felix's family and fortunately, Kiri was in a good mood to meet everyone. During the last few days, you have been getting used to life at home in Korea as a family of three. And Kiri has been nothing but happy, her big brown eyes always discovering something to ask about. She clung to you and Felix as if her life depended on it - in a way, you supposed it does, you are her parents now.

This is the first time she wakes you in the middle of the night like this, and you have to wonder what happened? So you ask her.

"Ki, did you have a bad dream?" you rub circles on her back and hear how she calms down.

When you grab a tissue to wipe her face and blow her nose she looked around the room as if she lost something.

"What is it, peach?"

You used her nickname, both you and Felix agreed you would not change her name once you adopted her. She was given a beautiful Maori name that means "fruit", since she loved the soft peaches in Korea you two started calling her "peach".

"Others?" she wonders in response.

You frown for a second and look around, spooked for a moment before a voice of reason resonates inside your head. She meant the other kids in the foster home. When she was in Australia she shared a room with three older girls, it was natural that she was used to wake up in the middle of the night and catch a glimpse of one of the other girls.

"Oh, baby..." you held her tight against your chest. "It's okay, daddy and I are in the other room. You've got us, Ki."

She squeezed her blanket in her tiny hand. You swayed her side to side to cheer her up as your words did not seem to bring her the comfort you expected.

An idea sneaked into your brain and you fake gasped, "I know!" you looked down at her and bopped her pointy little nose. "A glass of warm chocolate milk will fix anything!"

"Milk?" She repeated, interested.

"Mhm!" You inhaled slowly to avoid yawning, "come on, Miss Peach"

You went up to her large crib and showed her the collection of stuffed animals, "are we bringing a friend?" you asked her.

Kiri nodded and pointed at a small rabbit with a pink bow. You reached down and grabbed it for her. Now she pressed the stuffed animal between your chest and her small body.

Once in the kitchen, you went to put her down on one of the tall chairs by the long bar but she protested. A loud panicked scream left her and you immediately held her in your arms. Not too long after, Felix made an appearance around the corner.

His hair was messy from sleeping and he had pulled a white t-shirt on before coming to see what you two were doing.

"Oh, good!" You smiled at him and pointed at the stove, "would you help us warm up some milk?"

Felix's eyes were not yet fully open, but he needed, needing no explanation he came up to you and your daughter and he touched Kiri's head, brushing her soft brown curls back.

"Chocolate?" he asked her in his deep, sleep-filled voice.

Somehow this did not scare Kiri. She looked up and put a side of the blanket under her nose, running it against it with her eyes on the blond.

"Yeah, that'll put us back to sleep in a heartbeat..." Felix looked up at you and showed you a tired side smile.

You watched Felix closely as he put a small pot on the stove and warmed up the milk before adding some powdered chocolate into it and allowing it to come to a simmer. Kiri in your arms stretched her neck to look into the cupboard once you offered to let her pick a sippy cup to drink from. The collection was humble as you had only brought her home to Korea three weeks ago. Still, you showed her the Molang cup and then the Pororo one, she was not super into either so you reached for the Bluey one. This got her attention and she almost dropped her blanket to grab it.

Felix smiled at her when she handed him the plastic cup, he poured a little over half of the cup worth of milk and then split the rest into two mugs for the two of you.

Kiri sat in your lap while you drank the chocolate milk in silence, Felix was sure if he began talking he would end up hyping her up and then you would have to stay up all night to play with her until she fell asleep.

"Hey," Felix whispered a few minutes later when the small girl cuddled into your chest began dozing off.

Your husband grabbed the sippy cup from her hands, catching it in time before it slipped out of her grasp to land on the floor. He put it down beside his mug and leaned over the kitchen bar to check her face. His eyes squinted and he turned to you with a small side smile, whispering again "she's asleep," he looked back at her once more and added, "she's really cute."

You took a sip of your milk and left the mug on the bar before wrapping your arms around her, pulling her closer so she wouldn't twist her neck.

"Yes, she is."

You kissed the top of her head and then watched Felix clean up, washing some of the dirty dishes before coming up to you to help. He grabbed Kiri and held her against his chest to take her to her room. Walking behind him you agreed to bring her into your room so if she woke up again she would not get scared once more. With your baby daughter sound asleep between the two, you and Felix fell asleep quickly.

The next morning you were the last one to wake up, Felix was already making little Kiri laugh. He had grabbed her bunny and made it dance for her, clapping its hands and sending kisses her way. The young child squealed in delight and admired Felix with enthusiasm.

For her good fortune, the two of you were taking a break from work to settle into your new family life. The next couple of days you went everywhere together and even took her to some play dates with the Hwang twins, which she seemed to enjoy more than meeting the younger yet louder Lee Ho-Joon.

You were worried about how she would react when Felix went back to his hectic schedule, and once the time came she was in fact somewhat fussy. She really took a liking to her new Dad and seeing her wander around the house looking for him in the mornings made you feel somewhat guilty. Felix was not much better with it, as soon as he walked through the door he was greeted with the happy yelling of an excited three-year-old, who rather soon began calling him dad. He was fond of the term but you were appalled as she did not call you mom until about the 4 month mark.

Coming into Kiri’s life was a painful ordeal, so her cuddling into you and calling you mommy was the most amazing feeling you’ve experienced.

After you agreed you wanted to have a baby with Felix it did not matter how much you tried or wanted it; your period was still coming and month after month you wondered if you were doing something wrong. A few times you had a late period and those couple of times were the worst. It was heartbreaking when you woke up one morning and saw the red stains of your late period on your underwear. You cried in silence in the bathroom both times it happened, not wanting to let Felix know exactly how useless you were. Because you felt useless. The only thing Felix ever asked of you, and you were unable to give it to him. It was killing you.

And Felix saw right through your strong façade. He knew you were giddy for a couple of days and then you wouldn’t look him in the eye for weeks. He could tell you were growing impatient, then desperate and lastly he saw your light dim. Felix hated what this was doing to you, so he put a stop to it. “It’s hurting you.” He said one day, early morning. You were reading a script in the patio and he drank a smoothie.

You were insistent that you wanted to have a family with him, that it made no sense you couldn’t get pregnant because there was nothing wrong with you. Felix had enough by then. Seeing you grow small and retreat into a quiet sad creature, he could not recognize his wife. He pulled the plug and brought up a new idea to ease your worries. “We could also adopt, you don’t have to go through all this…”

It took a couple of long conversations. You tried your best, gave it your best shot at doing it yourself, you wanted to have that experience with your husband. Bringing life into the world. Having a little boy or girl or whatever they decided to be and have them be half him and half you.

But it just wouldn’t work. And all the trying and trying was hurting you. 

In the end adoption was a great option, it did not matter that you were not blood related, it would be your baby - very planned, wanted and loved. Korea was a bit tricky for those things, especially as both of you had foreign passports, so it seemed easier to try to do it in Australia since Felix was born there, everyone helped with the process. His family and yours, even your managers helped by finding a law firm in Sydney to deal with the legal aspect, and Felix made all the arrangements necessary to travel with you for appointments with the social workers. You were over the moon when you got approved and then a few months later the email came in with information on your match.

It was Kiri’s file.

You did not know what to expect then, but it came as a surprise that she was still almost a baby. Felix was relieved but he liked to believe he would have been fine with an older kid as well.

You were instantly in love. Kiri’s drawings spoke of her sweet nature even if they were little more than doodles. She smiled in every single picture and her light brown curly hair reminded you of the foamy sea that surrounded her native land. Kiri was a Lee the moment you signed the documents and you were ready to give up everything for your daughter the moment her eyes met yours. She was so little and innocent, a pure little thing with no clue of what was going on. She had been all smiles when you introduced her to Felix’s sisters and then she won his parents over in a matter of seconds as she played peekaboo with his mom laughing that high pitched laugh that is so characteristic of smaller children.

You finished shooting for your last movie the year before and you were still not confirmed for the press yunket that would follow this year, you wanted to settle down with your family before leaving Felix and Kiri alone. Your time was spent at home, cleaning and cooking, playing with your daughter, dancing around the living room in your socks, going on walks to the park and occasionally watching a kids show with your daughter sitting on your lap. You laughed plenty in Felix’s absence and Kiri could never complain your attention was elsewhere.

Your career was obviously not a priority when you were growing so comfortable in your new role as a mom.

Kiri is still so dependent of you. Preferring to turn to you for food and asking you to go on walks. She calls you mom or mommy on rare occasions though. Maybe, you reason with yourself, the word mom is more difficult than dad. Maybe, the word mom does not come easy to Kiri, who was only a few hours old when her mother made the difficult decision to give her up for adoption.

But you chose to let her be, and let things fall into place on their own. Felix fell into a comfortable routine as well, would be out the door before Kiri was awake but at night he would play with her as soon as he was through the door again. He loved to read her to sleep and tuck her in. He would kiss the top of her head as she drifted to sleep and then he covered her with the blanket.

“I think she is going to outgrow that crib before her birthday,” you told him one day.

“I know,” his eyes opened wide, “she’s growing so fast!”

“Aww, are you upset that your babygirl has bigger hands than you already?” You teased, hugging him and placing your chin against his chest to have a good look at his unamused expression.

“My babygirl could be the size of Godzilla and I’d be a proud dad, but… I wish she could stay small for longer.”

You smiled at him and let go, turning on your heel to go put on your slippers and get breakfast started. If only you hadn’t felt your stomach float around inside you. In an instant there were goosebumps all over your arms and your mouth went dry.

“Love?” He grabbed your elbow to give you support as you tried to ground yourself. “Are you…?”

“I’mgoingtopuke!” You practically spat and ran into the bathroom.

Felix followed you, concerned, and entered the bathroom just as you emptied what little contents were in your stomach from the night before. He pulled your hair back and rubbed your shoulder as if he could soothe you. Throwing up on an empty stomach was horrendous. You did not look sick when you were done and allowing your husband to clean you up in front of the sink.

You did not say a word to one another until you had finished brushing your teeth and felt closer to normal.

“So…” Felix started, pushing his hair back.

You bit your lip and turned to your fingers, counting. Then counting again. You jumped and turned to him with a glint of something in your eye. He saw you and felt himself shift in expectation.

“Do you want to go to the store or should I do it?”

Felix reasoned with himself and smiled at you.

“I’ll do it, Kiri might freak out if she wakes up and you’re not home,” he grabbed your face and pulled you into him to kiss your forehead.

“Get two, different brands.” You instructed, holding onto his arm.

You let his arm slip from your grasp as you watched him go to pull on a jacket and a cap. 

He walked out the door soon after and when he came back his heart was racing.

He reached you and gave you the plastic bag, speaking while you both rushed into the bathroom. 

“Whatever happens, Y/N, whatever that thing says… love, it’s okay.”

You nodded frantically and at this point you two cared very little about watching each other pee, so he stood there by the bathroom door as you sat at the toilet and opened the two boxes. Felix bit his nails as you skimmed through the instructions before passing them to him. You were in the tricky business of actually peeing on the sticks when a small voice echoed down the hall.

“Eomma?”

Felix jumped and left the paper on the sink, without a word he left to get Kiri out of her crib. Unaware of what happened with her parents, the little girl was thrilled to see daddy was home. She bounced on the crib, small hands gripping the edge of the wooden railing to support herself. Her hands reached for Felix, the strange blond man who had the funniest things to say and the craziest brothers - for all she knew, all of Felix’s members were her uncles.

“G’day Miss Peach!” He pulled her up with a smile on his face.

She allowed for Felix to carry her in his arms as she gave his cheek a loud kiss. Kiri was most definitely a morning person. 

“Mommy?” She wondered soon.

“Hmm, she is busy right now,” he explained, “should we go get something to eat? Are you maybe in the mood for… waffles?”

Kiri’s eyes lit up, she cuddled into her father’s chest and the two found their way into the kitchen where you had left things half prepared for breakfast. He started warming up the waffle iron and was setting up a chair for your daughter to watch from when you ran into the open kitchen with a tear stained face and two plastic sticks in your hand.

“We did it!” You yelled, making Felix turn around with Kiri on his hip.

“Mommy!” She made grabby hands in your direction. “What we do?”

You laughed like an insane person and rushed around the island to take her from Felix’s arms.

“We made a little surprise for you, baby!” You held her into your chest and more tears slipped down your face. “But we’re all going to be patient until it get here…”

Felix took the tests from your hand and stared in bewilderment. It was true. It was happening. His eyes found you again, his entire world was right there. His best girls. You and Kiri. You, Kiri and your baby.

He went to put his arms around the two of you, his world was bigger than ever and his heart felt like it was about to burst with happiness and excitement.

“We have been patient,” Felix kissed your wet cheek, then he smiled at your daughter. “We’ll wait some more…”

The two of you shared a look, aware of how delicate the topic was to tell your young daughter right now. But the thought crossed both of your minds: Kiri was growing up fast indeed, so much so that she was going to be a big sister soon.

——— Likes, Reblogs and Comments are welcome! Thank you for reading!

[kaurwreck]

For the song ask game!!! I hope when you shuffle for this ask you get chuuya's character song or wake up call from the dead apple ost or something equally gay

full disclosure: with some semi-rare exceptions, I don't usually add OST or character songs to my playlists because part of why i make character playlists is to tease out my understanding of their characterizations and dynamics by extrapolating my understanding and applying it to noncanonical material. for playlists that are explicitly about a specific dynamic, i also generally avoid single-character songs. every song has to relate to who they are relative to the other character(s) or their relationship with the other character(s).

(i do love bsd's ost and anime sound design though, it's bop after bop)

okay for the ask game!!!!

Real Love Song, Nothing But Thieves

This is a love song, real love Dirty rip out the whole of your soul love I'll hate myself for days love Sitting all alone and listening to Nick Cave love ... This is a dark song, real dark Feral tear off your skin to the bone dark I’ll drink myself to death dark Do anything to feel your breath on my neck dark ... This is a sad song, so sad Aching like it's more than I can take sad I cried so hard I died sad Losing all that's making me human inside sad

in the timeline of their relationship, this song exists in the interim between dazai leaving the port mafia and the guild arc. i fully believe dazai fell first, fell hard, and fell semi-gleefully, but when he left the port mafia, he wanted to leave. his aches and traumas around mori and who he was then are tangled and messy, evidenced by the extent to which the port mafia makes him emotionally erratic and passively self-contradictory (the image he projects starts to glitch as his sincerity and uncertainty trip over themselves) during the guild arc. that suggests to me he hasn't fully processed and struggles to reconcile what was good and golden about his time in the port mafia (including chuuya) with his prey animal fear of it and his inability to become someone other than himself.

from his perspective, he shouldn't be having this problem. he fucking ditched the port mafia; he went no-contact, off the grid, full ego death and death of his prior self. it's something he's used to; it's what he seemed to have done when he found mori. dazai is comfortable ripping out parts of himself and leaving them behind.

however, he can't do it this time. he tried, he really, really tried. but he couldn't. he couldn't let go of who and what he loved in the port mafia, and chuuya brings that into sharp relief. dazai couldn't just leave without first telling chuuya (by setting his car on fire), couldn't just disappear without some assurance to chuuya that he'd gone on his own, by sending a message only chuuya could understand (setting his car on fire). (chuuya says "that was you?!" when dazai references it later, but the feigned ignorance is part of their intricate rituals; how else would chuuya know to open the 1889 Petrus.)

(the omake dazai in which chuuya drunk dials dazai is especially damning: he kept the cellphone he had in the port mafia. not only that, he kept the same number, and he kept it on and charged. he got a new one too, as he tells hirotsu, sure. but he didn't get rid of the old one, and he didn't even turn it off. because, after all, what if chuuya called him?)

and then, of course, as soon as there's the slightest excuse to spill his past into his present (and now that he feels almost secure enough to do so), he can't help but go see chuuya. he didn't need to get captured to get the info he wanted on atsushi's bounty. he wanted to see him. he's wanted to see him for four years, he's thought about him every day, he misses him and his reactivity and who he is and he's both very aware of it and sooooooo mad about it.

i fully believe dazai when he tells chuuya, "I hate everything about you too." because dazai is very self aware, he's fully clocked his inability to let chuuya go. chuuya's roots in him are inextricable and dazai loves him with a ferocity that he doesn't completely believe people can feel or reciprocate, and he hates it because it's exposing and vulnerable and makes him feel like raw meat instead of an intangible, untouchable anomaly. (i.e., human, it makes him feel human, and he can't trust that feeling because he's also convinced humans can't actually love (not with any depth) least of all reciprocate his love, creating a paradoxical spiral that could be resolved if he admitted humans can in fact love how he loves, and they can even love him like that too, indicating that he is also human. but. the mental diseases). he loves everything about chuuya, and because of that, he hates everything about him too.

(whenever love and hate are this entangled, it reminds me of what aphrodite says to helen in the iliad: ‘Wretched girl, do not tease me lest in anger I forsake you and grow to hate you as much as now I terribly love you, lest I encompass you in hard hate, caught between both sides, Danaans and Trojans alike, and you wretchedly perish.’)

Can I sing this to you? Got a thing about you And it won't go away, no It won't go away It won’t go away ... This is a love song, so what? Did it slide into your heart? I guess not I still want your love a whole lot Have you heard a better song? Oh, I hope not ... Can I sing this to you? Got a thing about you And it won't go away It won't go away And I just came to say That it won’t go away It won’t go away

so, dazai loves chuuya and hates him for how much he can't help but love him. but what's so special about the dazai we're introduced to, the current dazai, is how he's beginning to succumb to his love. his attachments to others were a threat, but repeatedly in bsd, he gingerly prods that threat, tentatively hoping it's a promise too. and repeatedly in bsd, he is assured that it is.

it's why he can flit back to tease chuuya, and why it didn't take much at all for him to abandon any attempt to separate who he is from his attachments in the port mafia. he came to chuuya and all but spilled his guts to say that it won't go away. that he wanted to see him, that he can't stop thinking about him, that he won't let chuuya rest either because he can't help it, and that he's stopped trying. so what?

(and no, he can't sing it to chuuya quite so explicitly, he knows what will coax chuuya and what will make chuuya violently demur; it took five flags holding chuuya at proverbial gunpoint to restrain him enough to affirm their affection for him overtly without getting slung through multiple concrete buildings.)

for me, this song encompasses a critical juncture in dazai's growth, the moment dazai began to yield to the anguish of adoring chuuya even though that meant yielding, also, to the reality that he was still himself, even after shedding his prior skin.

[castlebyersafterdark]

when are you gonna post your big write up on the gnc topic? not rushing you! just wondering if you still are or if you decided to ditch it. I'm really eager to read whenever it gets posted

Haha I don't know if I would call it my big write up, I don't want to seem like I'm some guru professor on the topic - I'm not! Still learning. I don't want to say the wrong thing? Because its a topic that I've taken an interest in and a character trait I really found I've enjoyed for Will, and many anons have sent me insightful things - but I'm setting it aside until I have more mental space to do it as chill and thoughtfully as possible since I don't consider myself a resource for the topic and don't want me making these long, dramatic posts about it to look like I'm trying to be an authority figure on the topic? Coming at it as fan analysis of a fictional character, rather than real world insights if that makes sense? It's on the plate. I do promise I'll post something eventually. I know it's just a fan blog I have here and personally I'm not under any deadlines or obligations, but I feel bad if I promise something and don't follow through (which is also why I've said most of my other fic ideas I've shared will EVENTUALLY post but I can't promise anything substantial with the Boarding School AU even though I adore it. Don't want any hopes up in case I can't deliver on the idea).

I've also had a hard time focusing on any one thing when I go online lately, full disclosure there. I'm still bopping around but between really getting into writing fic and answering all the wonderful asks people send, I keep jumping back and forth and drafting more asks than posting. Since my brain is leaning heavy into trying to write fic when I use the free time I dedicate to fandom stuff. Which is I think needed! I want to post more stories! I find thats my favorite part of fandom now is presenting a polished fic. So, keep sending stuff but if it's an ask that isn't something I can answer off the cuff when I'm slacking at work during the week 🤭 I'm probably giving it a longer answer or drabble in the further future. Thanks all for sticking around, love yall ❤️

[afreakingdork]

Weak Spot - Chapter 29

RotTMNT Donatello x Reader

@grievouslygreat put so much work into drawing Shelldon for this week's chapter art! Send that love right back!!

Warnings: Aged-up Turtles, Romance, Meet Cute, Villain Donatello, Cussing, Crushes, Xenophobia, Fear, Intimidation, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Hurt/Comfort, Love, AFAB Reader, Vaginal Sex, Sex Rough, Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Creampie, Teasing, Scent Kink, Sexual Tension, Breeding Kink, Multiple Orgasms, Cunnilingus, Fellatio, Marathon Sex, Somnophilia, Intercrural Sex

Synopsis:  A love story of villainous proportions! Though it hadn’t come easily, as these things rarely do, you found yourself in a whirlwind romance with a handsome and mysterious mutant. His idiosyncrasies had been easy to ignore as attraction grew into something more. However, will love endure when the unknowns about him end up being far darker than you ever considered?

Huge shout-out to @uvamay for the Shelldon dance scene! They send some of the best asks and I can't thank them enough!!

Fem!Reader References/Warnings Below Cut

Also available on Ao3

First 💜 Previous

Last warning for the 🍋 under the cut. Minors DNI!

Fem!Reader References/Warnings: One boob mention.

With your elbows craned to the kitchen counter and your ass sticking out, you hummed along to jaunty music. Beside you S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. swayed side to side where the sound was emanating from his back. You twirled a spoon in hand to the rhythm until a bit of batter almost flung off. You swooped the globule back up and popped the stirrer into your mouth. Lyrics tapering off, the beat continued until the song ended.

“Well?” S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. buzzed with excitement.

Retracting the spoon, you smiled. “It was good!”

“Right!?” He glowed with a grin. “The whole album is pretty good, but especially those first few songs are amazing!”

“Do you listen to a lot of music?” Straightening from where you’d been hunched too long, you stretched to crack your back.

“For sure!” You watched his eyes turn over and start cycling through binary code. “I listen to all kinds: New Age, Metal, R&B, Synthwave-“

“But Donnie…?” Coming down, you pointed the spoon aware that S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. might go on listing for an indeterminate amount of time.

The binary froze and, in a blink, his eyes returned. “Oh…”

You watched curiously, bringing the clean spoon back to your mouth.

“That’s a rough topic…” If he had hands you imagined S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. would be scratching his head. “I tried to play him something once, when he was… ya know…” His rotors gestured and you knew he meant Donnie’s twenties. “He was pretty p-o’d.”

“It’s strange…”

“It is!” He huffed. “You’d think he’d want some background EDM while he works, but he had this whole spiel about how if even one bit of his brain power was diverted-! Whatever, man!”

You nodded trying to picture what Donnie looked like then, but white coats and ominous goggles were all you could conjure.

Who’s to say that wasn’t right?

“I mix a little myself.” He did a single excited turn which brought your attention back. “Just beats mostly, check it.”

A club bop started up and S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. didn’t wait for your input. Instead, he started swinging back and forth to his own beat. His attitude was infectious and you found your head bobbing in time. With a little beat drop flourish, he caught wind of you and flew up as if he were your dance partner. You laughed at his offered rotor and mimed taking it with the spoon. At the last moment before you imagined you’d be reeled in for a dip, you pulled back and busted out your own little groove in time with the rhythm.

The drone slowed and gave a low whistle.

“Too much?” You laughed. S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. hardly made you feel self conscious and instead you worried about embarrassing him for whatever reason.

“No, no!” The music turned down, but not off. “Full disclosure: I have an archival system in me.”

Rolling on the balls of your feet, you leaned away. “It’s like for…?”

“Safety!” He rushed as if correcting himself. “Sorry, that must have sounded weird. It’s like storing memories. I meant more like I could send you a clip if you wanted to see!” 

You blew a raspberry. “I’ve seen enough of my dancing.”

He hovered on the edge of a thought.

You stared for a moment until you tapped the spoon to your chin. “I could send it to Donnie.”

“You could send it to Donnie.” He began to repeat before you had even finished speaking.

“You’re really making me work for it!” You pretended to huff.

“Ugh, I mean, let’s pass some version of the Bechdel test!” He made a huge show of rolling his eyes.

You giggled and then leaned in.

He followed suit offering the side of his triangular head.

“Real quick then: be honest, is it… worth it? He’d like it?”

One of his rotors came up as if he were shielding his mouth from the secret he was about to tell. “You were so adorable I was hoping you wouldn’t guess so it would be a memory just for me.”

“Stop!” You tittered, flapping a hand at him.

“Thank you, thank you.” He did a mock bow. “Send it?”

“Send it.” You agreed.

The music stopped and there was a soft pinging noise that you presumed was the message firing off.

He then gave a great sigh of relief.

“I gotta say, all that omission of truth stuff was rough, but I love being able to talk about whatever I want now!” S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. chirped, buzzing around you. 

You bopped his beak with the spoon. “It’s pretty great.”

“Heal-thy real-a-tion-ship!” S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. annunciated as if it was something he’d been harping on all along.

You bet he’d bent Donnie’s ear as much as he could. “It’s something.”

He lowered a little. “You okay? That sounded not so stellar.”

“No!” You threw your hands out and S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. was forced to dodge. “Ack, sorry! It was wistful!”

“Wistful?”

You set the spoon on the rest and turned out to your apartment. You were due to move the next day and the place was a wreck. With your roommate out for work that evening, S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. had come over to help you pack. When you had been combing over the kitchen cabinets, you’d found a muffin mix about to expire and decided a break was in order for baking. S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. surprised you with his whisk attachment and had splattered the kitchen when he prematurely lifted before turning it off. Already in schlubby clothes for the hard work, you’d laughed it off and cleaned up together.

“Well yeah…” You gestured out to the living room where random brown squares dotted the space. “I’m happy. It’s just… everything’s changing.”

“Oh…” S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. commiserated.

“I’ll cry about it when I say goodbye tomorrow. For now, I’ve been meaning to ask…?”

He hummed curiously.

“Are you… going to live with us?”

S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. burst out laughing.

You pursed your lip with offense.

“I’m sorry-” He choked, doing a barrel roll to keep upright from where he almost rolled over. “That’s just-fweh! We would not survive that!”

“I’ll have you know I’m a great roommate! Coral and I have been roomies for like 6 years and two places!”

S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N.’s body made a V-shape. “Not you!”

“Oh…” You grimaced. “Should I be…?”

“No no no!” His little rotors waved frantically. “No more assumptions! Let me set the record straight!”

You settled back into the counter to listen.

“We’ve worked our bad blood out, but Donatello and I… We don’t see eye to eye and I’m basically programmed to sass him.”

Your lips rounded with a question.

“Not actually.” S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. chided. “We’re equals and I call him out, but he’s always doing something so it happens a lot. What really helped our relationship was me moving out.” 

“You have… your own apartment?” You straightened a little unconsciously.

“Kinda.” He buzzed up to your ear and whispered. “Ever been to apartment one?”

“No?” You turned to him with growing understanding.

“That’s where my charging port is and Donnie alerts me if he’s going to come by. I have full veto power to not let him in too, which was a whole thing when it was first proposed, but we don’t have to get into that!”

“Right, no need…” You pictured that identical apartment with a S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. sized wall outlet. Seeing how full of life the bot was, you hoped he customized the space far beyond what your imagination concocted.

“I have a bipedal form too.”

“Hm… Huh?!”

“Yeah, it’s about the same size as I am now, but with arms and legs.” He did a little twirl upwards with pride.

“Why don’t you use that?”

“Eh…” He careened to one side. “This was the first body I got when I upgraded out of the home system. I’m pretty attached to it.”

“Not for that!” You threw an arm out before giving into a minor pause. “Though that is sweet.” Taking a few side steps you gestured dramatically to the boxes. “I meant for this!”

“Oh!” He beamed. “You got this!”

“S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N.!”

He buzzed away as if you might hit him with the spoon for real. “It’s funny, admit it!”

You groaned loudly as the timer went off. “It’s a little funny.”

He snickered behind you.

Grabbing some oven mitts, you pulled out the muffins and daintily tapped one to check its doneness.

“For real though, I’m faster like this. Stack me up with boxes and watch me go.”

“But I’m not moving the boxes until tomorrow.” Removing the mitts, you gave him a dry look.

He looked sheepish and chuckled awkwardly.

“A second pair of hands to put stuff in boxes was the deal today…” You turned to him and folded your arms.

He looked away, nervously.

You couldn’t be mad at him and a hopeless smile broke out on your face. “Don’t worry, Shelly. I’m not upset. It’s just ridiculous, ya know?”

“Shelly?” He turned back with open curiosity.

“I like having you here and between the talking and tunes it’s been fun-wha?” You bobbed from where you were still talking. “Oh… no good? I should have asked-”

“No.” He seemed genuinely caught off guard. “It’s… I’ve never… Hm.”

You had a sinking feeling. “How many people besides me and Donnie have you talked to?”

“No one.” S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. bobbed with each syllable. 

That wasn’t right. 

Someone was lying. 

You mimicked him. “But then-”

“Ah…” He turned slightly as if he had forgotten. “You’re wonderin’ about the purple dragons.”

“The… what?”

“The girl… That Donnie…”He made a ‘you know’ gesture with a rotor. “And the other two. That was the name of their group.”

You could finish that first sentence. 

The girl that Donnie killed.

You sank back against the counter.

“I don’t know if it really counts because it wasn’t real… In my younger days I did the classic running away thing and they happened to find me. They tried to manipulate me and Donnie…”

“Yeah.” You interrupted.

“Yeah.” S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. nodded, giving you a break from the retelling.

Silence stretched between you two as you gathered yourself. 

“Did you…?” You shifted, unable to look him in the eye. “Did you ever… want to go back?”

For a moment the air was heavy with the mechanism that kept the bot afloat. “It was a lot like choosing between two losing sides.”

You finally turned and found he was staring right at you. “Are you okay?”

“Now? Absolutely.” He buzzed over to the muffins, but you could sense it was a distraction. “They turned out good!”

“Are you lonely?” You weren’t sure why you couldn’t let him drop it.

He’d let you. 

He flew a little too close to the still hot pan and retracted as if it burned his curious finger. “Not anymore. I know it sounded bad, but I took the speaking thing literally. I have a whole online thing going on!” He perked up like he was flashing you a bright grin. “Catfishing kinda!”

An odd laugh got out of you. “You’re tricking people into dating you online?”

S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. flew up in a show of what you identified as embarrassment. “Okay, not like that! Just the tricking them part!”

You hummed with a note of worry.

“Stop!!!” He belted so loud you winced. “Pity sucks! I hate it! I’m not tragic! I’m just chilling!!”

You rubbed your arm. “I didn’t mean-”

“Look!” A dozen holographic screens appeared in your face. In all of them was what you could only describe as a human version of S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. He was in all manner of activities from having a beer to playing hockey.

You reached up on reflex and found the screens moved under hand. As soon as you made contact with them, you couldn’t help but notice that a tiny numerical code ‘143’ appeared at the top of each window. Stowing that for later, you focused on what was being presented. “It doesn’t look like you don’t have multiple accounts. Just the one…”

“Yeah, for when I’m craving some interaction.”

A few screens shuffled until he found one with a feed. It then automatically rolled back.

“See! I haven’t posted in 3 weeks to this one!”

“I’m hung up on the human-sona thing.” You laughed and looked through the faint opacity of the screen toward the bot.

“Pretty great right!” All but one screen flickered away and he put his smiling face right beside one that was nearly identical but human. “I ran a ton of algorithms on Don’s DNA to see what he’d look like as a human and then made up some parentage to get me here.”

Your mouth popped open, but you quickly snapped it shut.

Donnie as a human?

Even without a frame of reference, that felt wrong.

That wasn’t him.

It couldn’t be.

At least partly. 

“Good job.” You forced out. 

“You’re still feeling weird about me being ‘lonely.’” If he had fingers you saw he would have given air quotes. 

“I’m sorry, S.H.E.L.L.D.-”

“Shelly.”

You perked up a little and tipped your head in question.

“’I’m sorry,’ Shelly.” He corrected with a beam so bright it almost acted like it extinguished the last screen that went away in time.

“Shelly.” You reached your hands up and he plopped what was approximately his chin down into them. “You like it?” 

“Yup. In fact I won’t answer to anything else. Oh and boom, I’ve legally changed my name! How about that?!” You imagined he was sticking his tongue out and you couldn’t help but smile.

“Alright, alright!” You released him and went to pick a muffin up from the tin. “I’m trusting you though.”

“Totally!” He hovered close and you thought for only a moment before placing the muffin on his head.

“Hell yeah!” He did a lap around the apartment complete with aerial tricks all while keeping the treat from falling off.

You had picked another out and took a bite while you watched.

-

“I wore glittery eye shadow on purpose.” Your roommate proclaimed proudly from where she still had a death grip on your arms.

You nodded a little too furiously. “I know.”

“Because it gets in my eyes.” Her voice cracked.

“It does.” Yours did something similar.

“Like that time-”

“In that dump bathroom-”

“With all the stupid stickers-”

“They were so fake!” You couldn’t stand it anymore and pulled her back into your arms.

“Damnit, Y/N!” She croaked before giving into another bout of sobs.

Nearby Donnie pretended to toil even though he’d already moved all the dummy boxes. There was a moving truck for appearances only as all your belongings were probably already at your new apartment via S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. Neither boy cared, but you’d asked for the reveal of Donnie’s tech to be pushed off. Coral was already perceptive enough on her own and you had a feeling if she saw the kind of tools Donnie could actually create then she’d make a near instant leap to his villain persona, as muddled as whatever the name for that was. 

“No more!” Your roommate gagged away and you glimpsed how her makeup ran harsh black lines down her face.

“Let go then!” You sniffled.

“I’m not holding you.” She threw her hands up as if it wasn’t a blatant lie and turned her tear streaked face to Donnie. “You.”

Donnie was ready and you caught the last moment of him slipping on his icy exterior. “Yes?”

She stalked right up to him and fisted the front of his high necked athletic top.

He merely glanced down at her hand before he allowed her to yank him to her eye level. 

“You listen here, you Gumby fuck.”

You slapped your hands over your mouth as tears flowed on, though now out of comedy.

“I don’t know what that is.” Donnie clipped back.

“Shut it!” She barked. “You are going to take not good care, not great care, but the best fucking care of Y/N. I’m talkin’ the best this wretched world has to offer. Understand?”

He kept the bitter edge for a long moment before he dropped it with what was nearly a smile. “I understand.”

Not expecting him to be so compliant, your roommate stumbled verbally. “That’s-uh-good! Good then!”

Donnie gave a single nod.

“No comeback…?” She dropped her hardened persona for a rare moment of vulnerability.

“No. You mean a lot to each other. Your protection is understandable. I will not do anything else to jeopardize our relationship.” He shot you a single flick of his gaze. “Rest assured Y/N will be pampered beyond recognition.”

“Anything else…” Her eyes narrowed. 

“I’ve made mistakes.” 

“How bad?” 

“Of my own idiocy underestimating Y/N.” 

“It’s different now?” 

“Not completely. There’s hope as I am openly acknowledging my deficits.” 

You squirmed a little, turning the hands around your mouth up to wipe some excess tears away. That fell in line with the scant information you’d shared with her. 

“Put a ring on it.” The phrase shot out of her.

You poked yourself in the eye and spun away to nurse it.

“Obviously I’ll take ‘em back otherwise, but I’m just saying: don’t be stupid.”

Rubbing furiously, you tried to recover, but blinking off bleary fog kept you from seeing whatever Donnie’s response was.  “W-wait!”

Your soon to be ex-roommate stepped into your field of vision before you could do anything else. “Remember what we talked about last night?”

You could only nod even though you almost wanted to shove her out of the way in an attempt to rewind time. During the final stages of packing, in the early morning darkness, several hours ago, she had run the gambit on every worst case scenario. She reassured you in how she’d always be there for you and vowed to find out the mutant’s weakness. You’d laughed then knowing full well she was dead serious. It had felt very much like you were an ancient bride who was being married off to a far away kingdom, never to be seen again. “I remember.”

“Last one, no more tears.” Her posture snapped upright and you mirrored her. You both then stepped forward and gave the stiffest hug imaginable. “Two housewarming presents. You gotta find ‘em but when you do you’ll know.” She left you with a whisper in your ear.

Already knowing one was the accursed astronaut, you could only wonder where she’d put the damn thing. Otherwise, you had a feeling her other gift was authentic. “Thank you. For everything and, because this is so dramatic, just a reminder: we literally have plans to see each other next week.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She dismissed you and turned to Donnie. “Get the door, I’m chasing you both out. It’s my casa now. I’m stripping naked and rolling over everything the second you leave.”

“You’ll never get the deposit back.” You barely got out the phrase before she swiped at you.

Donnie opened the door and you raced out with her screaming in tow.

“Take that back, dammit! I’m a goddess! My skin will leave the place cleaner than you ever did!”

“After all the cleaning I did!” You were caught at the elevator and slammed the button repeatedly as if that would speed it up.

She caught up and pretended she was going to body slam you before abruptly stopping short. “Think about the fact that you had to!”

Donnie approached as the elevator’s doors opened. The two humans around him continued to bicker all the way down to the ground floor and out on the street. A quiet then took hold that he was forced to break. “I’d say it was a pleasure, but…”

Coral snorted. “Likewise.”

You watched the two exchange something visually before Donnie turned heel to get into the truck. Coral stared after him before putting her hands on her hips.

“You gonna be okay?” You wrung your hands in spite of yourself.

“Yeah.” Her shields dropped for the second time in the last hour and it was more than you’d ever seen from her in all six years. “I’ve got time to work things out. I mean, you paid your half to the end of the lease. Which, by the way, I’m gonna get you back for.”

“Someone won’t let me pay rent.” You huffed. “I wasn’t gonna leave the whole thing on you for a sudden decision.”

“Not really that sudden, was it?” She had a faraway look. 

“Not really, no…” You turned as if you could see what she could.  

“Milk him for all he’s worth.” A lopsided smirk turned up her face. “I’ve got an opportunity brewing.” 

“Yeah?” Your own smile quirked seeing her usual spunky attitude return. 

“I’m thinking of doubling up! I’ve got your rent so I can turn a profit with a new roommate. I’ve got just the one: gonna bully Nels into rooming with me. His lease is up next month and I could totally sabotage him going anywhere else.”

“You’ll kill each other.” You balked. “Well… You’ll kill him.”

“Won’t it be grand!” She cheered, normalcy fully returned, she slung an arm around your shoulders to turn you towards the truck. “Now get going before I change my mind and let him live.”

“I’ll text you.”

“Move on already.” She jeered.

You gave her one last hug in earnest before jogging over to the passenger side.

-

Staring at the myriad of boxes stacked around the front door, you contemplated how your life’s existence added up to only this. It wasn’t too much as you’d either pawned off or sold the furniture which held no particular value, emotional or otherwise. You lived a life more in trinkets and that was fine by you. Things that you could hold in your hand meant a little bit more.

Donnie moved around where you were stuck ruminating and picked the first box closest to him. You side-eyed him for being able to tackle the task so easily. He moved to deposit his selection in the kitchen before he spoke. “Late, but if I may ask. Why six?”

“B.E.D.F.A.S.T.,” was your quick response.

He gave you a dry look as he threw his weight onto one hip.

You gleamed a smile back. “And I want to meet the pumpkin lady.”

“You’ll change your mind.” Donnie returned on the far side of a stack and grabbed the next box.

“I don’t know. She sounds cute!” You called after before frowning. You were probably overthinking it, but grabbing whatever was accessible still didn’t feel quite right. 

“An ancient creature that will entrap you with tale of produce.” Donnie spoke from the bedroom and you heard a box get set on the floor.

You pouted and thought for a moment. Instead of deciding based on the contents, you decided to go for one that allowed you to chase your partner. Finding the second box down was clearly marked ‘bedroom,’ you removed the top box to then grab that one. “What’s the plan today? After this.”

Donnie strode back in just as you hefted the container up.

He took a wide berth, arching towards the kitchen. Staring openly, you pinned an assumption that he’d been so dramatic as a means to give you the space necessary for transport.

“Distribute.” He arrived on the other side of the dwindling stack. “Disperse.” He bent a right angle at the hips to pick the next up. “Breakdown.” He rose up and returned to his original position with the box in tow.

Picturing his poses like those out of some kind of manual, you curtailed a smile. “Sounds good.”

Giving you a tight nod, he rounded the same path away.

Having glimpsed his selection, you knew he was headed for the bathroom and trailed after. He’d just entered said space when you strode into the bedroom and stacked your box on top of the other that contained clothes. “Pizza later?”

He hummed an agreement and you saw him set the box atop of the closed toilet lid. He then methodically walked right out of the bathroom and hugged the wall as if he was sneaking back into the living room.

“Hey, Don…?” You followed far enough that you stopped right in the middle of the partition.

“Yes?” He rose up and jarred slightly at the sight of you.

You were blocking his path.

He wasn’t giving you space. 

He was going out of his way for something else. 

“You’re avoiding me.”

He simply stared before turning away.

“You literally have nowhere to go.”

You heard the tap of his foot before he returned with an irritated air.

“Are you okay?” You folded your arms.

He looked down at the box he was holding.

He really seemed to be struggling so you gave him some space and instead heaved a small, accepting sigh. “Want me to guess?”

He gave a nod directed downward.

“Invading your space?”

He shook his head.

That made sense.

You had been doing that for many months now.

“Don’t tell me it’s the one apartment thing?” Tightening your grip on your arms, you tilted your head.

“While I still don’t agree with the decision… No.” He gave you a flat look.

“Something you can’t explain…?” Wanting to lean and think, you sidestepped to press against the partition. 

It created just the opening Donnie was looking for as he nearly scrambled to make it through and deliver the package.

You watched him with half a smile. “Have you ever lived with anyone before?”

Donnie slowed where he was coming up from setting down the box. “… No.”

“Not S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N.” 

He gave a quick nod. 

“You’re nervous.” You snapped your fingers.

“Hardly.” He sneered ever so slightly.

“Good point, you were so cute that night in the car!” Swinging side to side from where your back was anchored to the wall, you mused dreamily.

Donnie pressed shoulder to your closet.

It was a new piece of furniture. 

You hadn’t missed it when you’d first entered. 

You needed to remember to thank him for it. 

“It’s still someone in your space.”

He thought openly.

“It’s an exciting thought; being together all the time, but then we… well you, jumped right into planning. You spent the next few weeks in that distracted head space and, I bet, the reality of this has been crashing down since we drove the truck over this morning, hm?”

Donnie wasn’t even seem surprised by your summation. He simply gave a look that said you nailed it which turned up half of his lips.

“Wanna recount the ground rules?” You unfolded your arms and let them hang comfortably by your sides.

“Respect each other’s space.” He began, taking a single step.

“Don’t assume anything.” You mirrored him.

“Scheduled parallel play.” In what felt like a stage being set, you passed the spotlight coming through the curtains and imagined a main dance sequence building.

“Communication.”

“Split chores.”

“Give and get.”

You reached each other.

“Meal planning.”

You took lead.

It was one hand in his and another at his waist. 

“Dinner rotation.”

He followed your gentle sway.

 “Don’t become each other’s worlds.”

You picked up the two-step just a tad to dance in a circle. 

“The golden rule.”

Resisting, but stopping as there was no more rules. You got swept up in each other’s eyes. In perfect time, you both leaned in and me with a kiss in the middle.

He came away with tender calm.

“How do you feel?”

“Better.”

“We’re going to be okay.”

“That was not a concern.” He pressed another kiss to your hairline before separating from you with a lingering hand hold.

You watched him for a moment until you realized he had left with purpose.

“Kitchen first.” He noted for you, heading there.

“Yup!” You trailed after. As you closed in, you heard the tail end of him muttering something to himself.

“-far better than some video clip.”

You smiled and bumped him lightly.

It didn’t need to take long considering the amount of stuff, but you spent the next few hours putting things away. In a procrastinator’s sense, you took time as each item came out of the box and shared little details if there were any. Donnie replied with either rapt attention or short questions of his own. Your heart flowed for his interest and, as he caught on to your reaction, he doubled down on the effort until you had to hurry the process along for fear delivery places would close. It was predictably late when the pizzas did arrive and you both collapsed on the couch, simply hanging out on your respective ends.

Donnie tried to make a note about a dining room table, but you vetoed it as there wasn’t enough space. Thinking it over, you asked him where he normally ate. He explained it was either standing in the kitchen or out of the apartment completely. You stared at him, but the images totally tracked so you relented with a laugh into a bite. The cheese pull was untenable and you complained with a full mouth as it stretched to the end of your arm. Donnie shook his head and started to get up to help when it snapped just as he got to his feet. He gave you a look as if you’d done it on purpose and you choked on laughter while trying not to stain the couch your very first night living there.

With Donnie’s help, you devoured two whole pizzas and went to wash off the grease. Your boyfriend followed and, in a comfortable tandem, you moved around each other with a grace that stunned you a little. You’d been partially cohabitating for a while, but the latent jitters of it being official almost made you forget the time logged. You were essentially picking up where you already started and it made you feel all the more mushy when you got your pajamas on. You reached the bed before Donnie and watched him with your chin to your knees. He gave you a single glance that morphed into an eye roll as he strolled out clean from the shower. 

You buried your lips keep anything from leaking out as his nude form crossed the foot of the bed in what you assumed was a trip to the dresser. 

Instead, he bypassed it and headed to his side of the bed.

“Really? That’s it?”

He made a questioning noise that held little interest. “I don’t have to sleep with the wraps on; venous and lymphatic systems don’t function against gravity. The flow will remain unaffected. It often depends on my temperament or pain level. Tonight I’d like to be unencumbered.”

Derailed from your actual interest, you grinned as your thoughts traveled elsewhere. “Big plans?”

“Not inherently.” He gave you a hopeless look before adjusting his pillow.

“So cold.” You teased before settling back into watching him set up his space.

“You’ve seen this before.”

“New light.” You responded quickly.

He had the smallest smile as he laid down, facing you.

“Think we’ll sleep in tomorrow?” You flopped onto your side to meet his gaze.

“I wonder if you’ll sleep now.” He pinched at the sheet that covered him, but ran under you as a signal. 

You ignored it and rolled over to get out of bed. “Yeah, well-!”

Donnie stayed and you peeked back at him. His lids weren’t necessarily heavy, but comfortably lulled as he watched with mild curiosity.

“You’re tired.” 

“I am.” 

“Then I’m gonna pace off this energy; will that bother you?” The flighty feeling begged you to move. 

“No, though I will most likely stay awake because of it.”

“Why’s that?” You walked a single circular path on your side of the room before entering the bathroom.

“Watchful eye, latent fear response.”

“Not having a safe place to sleep…” You trailed off, picking up his mask that was set aside on the counter there.

You heard a faint hum as you thumbed the fabric. Putting it back, you wandered out and grabbed a different pair of socks from the dresser. Thinking they might soften your padding, you headed into the living room to put them on. Your other pair fell away as you moved around the apartment and observed your embellishments. You’d hung a few little pieces of art on the walls and your rice cooker sat on the counter as there hadn’t been a good spot for it. Over by the door, the little astronaut stood in taped attention under its new guard assignment. Back in the bedroom, your side table was decked out exactly how it had been at your old apartment. Though the doors were pulled closed, you could sense your clothes in the closet and, in making another wide curve, you looked over the dresser drawers in a similar way.

Committing each detail of the space to deeper memory, you made several more laps in increasing quiet. There was a settling nature to the night’s hold. Even in the kitchen, where you got yourself a glass of water, you found the whole process soundless minus the pouring itself. The noise of the liquid had an oddly clean quality that you sipped down before abandoning the glass. Restless but feeling the precipice of its end, you perched on the arm of the couch and stared into the dark of the television. You smiled towards it even though there was no reflection and felt the homey quality of the room seep into your skin.

It was there, stuck and absorbing that feeling, that you lost track of time. Zoning out and ruminating on the emotional drain from the morning, you didn’t hear Donnie approach. When he grazed your arm, you were so out of it you didn’t jump. Instead, you turned towards him in a gentle manner as if you’d been aware of him the whole time. You smiled up at him, faraway, and in the dark you could see his brow ridge wrinkled.

“Are you alright?” He asked, but you didn’t see his lips move as your eyes were trained on that crease. 

You hummed an affirmation and felt him run up your arm until his hand enveloped your shoulder. There you put your head on top of his appendage.

Time ticked by without a clock. 

He made a confirming sound for whatever he’d been waiting on and started to slip away.

Knowing he was about to leave you be, you turned slightly as he moved. “I’ll head to bed.”

He slowed. “Not necessary.”

You shook your head. “It’s fine. I’m ready.”

He nodded and something seemed to catch his eye. You were slow in tracking his gaze as he was already in motion. Reaching out to the couch cushion, he got hold of one discarded sock.

“Oh those…”

“Where’s the other?” He wondered, head turning where he clearly didn’t see it.

“Mighta fallen under the couch?” You mused, thinking of the softened edges of your voice.

He gave an understanding grunt as one of his knees stabilized on the sofa. The other bent sturdy on the ground and his body tipped to look under the piece of furniture.

Staring at what was essentially his butt, you mourned the dark where it cloaked his shell.

Obviously not finding it visually, his body twisted further away as he swiped an arm underneath the couch.

Ready to tell him anything from you’ll turn the lights on to it’ll be found in the morning, your brain functions halted as his tail raised. It was a move that mirrored a cat’s attention and your thoughts piled up as you knew what lay underneath. In a stupor, you saw your hand swim in the bottom of your vision. Imaging a first person video game, someone else had the control as the appendage’s fingertips brushed the tip of his tail. A visible jolt ran through him and he locked an elbow into the couch to throw a sharp look over his shoulder.

“What are you doing?”

A shrug came from your shoulders and you felt disconnected from your body.

He took notice and gave a tut before returning to the task at hand.

Confused as to why he’d done so for a multitude of reasons, you got a strange sense that confirmation was the main one. This time you moved your hand and caressed the triangle tip. It twitched away from you and you watched it go. Pursing with curled fingers and a turn of your hand, you traced along where his tail flared. Donnie’s hips raised ever so slightly and you made a stroking motion, mesmerized. Testing how much you could get your hand around, you were just able to touch your thumb to your forefinger just past the middle. It continued to thicken from there and you pumped it unconsciously, relishing the feel of his tender flesh.

Upper half sinking down like a weighted pendulum, you turned towards where Donnie was presenting himself. His tail sat like a flag, high and fluttering away from your touch every so often with rhythmic flicks. Feeling a little like playing with a toy, you skimmed its length until you got a little too close to the base. There, you bumped his slit and felt the shiver that ran all the way through his body until his tail seemed to wick the end of it away. 

The question on your lips didn’t manifest.

Sensing a phantom moisture, your fingers chanced going to him again, this time with purpose. There was indeed a faint slick there, but only when prodded. Running a digit, slow, around the edge of his slit, you watched the muscles in his legs flex. Thinking only how beautiful he was, you pressed into him. He inhaled sharply as whatever fluid that leaked was nothing compared to what had built up internally. Through the soak, you pushed further where the faint light of the room reflected honey’s drip.

Moving on pure instinct, your other hand came in and held his tail higher. You craned over him from your couch perch, hovered all the closer as you committed to a shallow pump. You heard a soft thump that you identified as his head hitting the ground because his ass rose further to meet you. Entranced, you continued to finger him until nothing coaxed you to stop. Your hand simply retracted and you marveled at how a string of his dew clung to the two digits that had been within him. The muscles in his legs contracted in a needy bob and you heard your voice give a soothing shush as you slipped back into him, adding another digit.

He was soon panting and you were suddenly stuck by how difficult this must be for him. You had encroached on his space regardless of whether it was now also yours. You’d spent the day changing it to suit you thusly. You’d disrupted his sleep, even after he had chanced it unbarred. You’d even forced him to come after you. 

Despite all that, he’d still stooped over in the ultimate show of vulnerability.

None of it seemed real.

At the same time, it was exactly the sort of response he’d give. He was a man of action through and through. From the moment he thought he was about to lose you at the hotel’s lounge, you knew there were things that couldn’t be easily repaired. His many omissions had piled on and, even though you’d forgiven him, those scars still existed. You both knew they couldn’t be mended with more words. It left him like this now, in a small effort, the first you sensed of many, where he allowed himself to be exposed. You had access to the most sensitive parts of him in a show of how much he trusted you.

Heart filling to the point where the excess love attempted to flood out your tear ducts, you bit down on your lip. Even if he was giving himself to you, there was an inherent fragility to the moment. You knew if you questioned his wellbeing or even moved out of turn then the spell would be broken. He’d be forced to disengage whether he wanted to or not. The demonstration would have been enough to get his point across. Reality would be a viscous cold bucket of water and the sobering would send you away. Despite his efforts, he was still far too raw. Not taking any chances, you sped up slightly and went a little deeper.

If he was going to put himself into your hands, then you were going to show him how worth it that could be.

With him gasping and clawing at the cushion with the one arm that had a hold, you grazed the tip of his cock. He whined at the sensation and you drew your fingers around his head in a gentle coaxing. His legs coiled and, in a bob of his ass, you noticed the faint criss cross lines that you connected to Raph’s weapons on the thick of his thighs. Ignoring them, you cupped the hand inside him so your palm was pressing up against his tail. Your fingers then dripped inside of him until you were nearly encircling his cock. A deep heady noise came from your partner.

“I’ve got you.” Your voice whispered into the darkness.

He dropped and you caught him. Using the move as cover, you poured over him and turned away from his shell to respect his privacy. He shook underneath you and you released his tail with your free hand. Wrapping it around his body to hold him steady, you stroked him with confident precision. Little stunted noises exited him and his own slick made for a squelching glide that filled the room. Speeding up, you felt his bulb thicken and you palmed it in a heavy pet. You then headed for his tip where it was flaring and then back until he came with a withered cry that was very much unlike anything you had heard.

Stilling, you let your hand move with him as he rocked uselessly. Semen hit the floor with a near silent splat and you held onto him as he came down.

More comforting hums vibrated off your lips as cognizance returned to him. “I’ve got you. You’re okay.”

A single chuckle bobbed within him and, on wobbly arms, he shoved himself upright with a squat on the floor.

“You did so good.” You cooed without an ounce of ridicule. “Thank you.”

He sank back as if he might fall and you made sure your chest was there to catch him. His shell bit into your breasts through your shirt, but you paid it no mind as his head lolled back to glimpse you.

There was love there and you pecked the side of his temple. “Thank you, Donnie.” 

He hummed something that sounded like words under his breath before bumping his snout to your chin.

“Bed?”

Even stupefied, you saw his hesitation.

“You bed.” You clarified. “I’ll clean up.”

He was hung up on something else so you gave him a little reassuring squeeze. He relented with the faintest nod and let you lead him back to bed where he promptly fell asleep. You wondered there that if he ever got a hold of the footage, he’d be upset over the smile he’d missed.

NEXT

As always biggest props to my betas: @tmntxthings and @thepinkpanther83 !

[deepwoundsandfadedscars]

We don't talk enough about whumpy songs, do you have any recommendations? i mean, look at the lyrics of these songs, whumpy asf: Bleeding out - Imagine Dragons, Stitches - Shawn Mendes, I'm a sucker for pain- Imagine Dragons, etc

YES 👏 those are all fantastic songs, I love them so much. And ooh buddy did you send me into a hyperfocus zone for the past like hour and a half at least, I think I went through every playlist I've ever made + liked songs 😂😂 unless noted, I haven't watched the music videos for most of these so full disclosure I don't know what you'll find on youtube, I made this list from Spotify

Bloodshot - Sam Tinnesz

See You Bleed - Ramsey

Run for Your Life - K.Flay

Partners in Crime - Set It Off, Ash Costello

Choke - I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME (acoustic version feels even whumpier to me tbh)

Liar - The Arcadian Wild (mildly, but I like it)

She Doesn't Sleep - Anthony Amorim

Hit and Run - LOLO

Blood - My Chemical Romance

I Can't Decide - Scissor Sisters

An Unhealthy Obsession - The Blake Robinson Synthetic Orchestra (very heavily about stalking lol)

Body - Mother Mother

Champion - American Authors, Beau Young Prince

Trouble - Valerie Broussard

Siren Head - Chills, CORPSE (horror based topic but corpse voice make brain go brr)

In Hell I'll Be in Good Company - The Dead South

Sloppy Seconds - Watsky (mainly the first verse)

The London Air Raids - Vian Izak (civilians during war cw)

Bulletproof - La Roux

This is Love - Air Traffic Controller

Kill of the Night - Gin Wigmore

Dying Day - Gin Wigmore

Doombop! - The Toxhards (music video is funny but also whump vibes)

Dead! - My Chemical Romance

Rusted From the Rain - Billy Talent

River Below - Billy Talent

Cult leader - KiNG MALA

Run Boy Run - Woodkid

Bones - NateWantsToBattle (music video is pretty great too)

As We Fall - League of Legends (check out the music video!!!)

I Hope You Die in a Fire - Grand Commander

Stronger - The Score

Kiss With A Fist - Florence+ The Machine (cw for domestic abuse but it's like. Kinda a bop tbh)

The Wolves - JJ and The Pillars

Hell's Comin' with Me - Poor Man's Poison

[magicalrocketships]

Tagged by @boxboxlewis!

Musical tag game. Rules: shuffle your ‘on repeat’ playlist and list the first ten songs, then tag some people.

Full disclosure, these are all from my You Are The One Thing In My Way playlist, which has a 100 songs only limit (one in, one out) and I listened to so much when I was working that we are currently On A Break because my Spotify Unwrapped for 2+ years was just this playlist in a different order, and because I couldn't pick a song I was tired of to keep it at 100. So, we're a little old, don't think there's anything newly added on it from the last year, lollllll. They've all got a 'sing along while remote working' vibe. I'll link them at the end.

Nice To Meet You - Niall Horan - not my favourite Niall song but a singalong banger on this particular playlist, good opener for this list

Marchin' On - OneRepublic - this was the soundtrack to a fanvid a million years ago, and as such, imprinted upon my soul attached to very specific fandom clips. Absolutely not the only fanvid soundtrack on this playlist.

Night Changes - One Direction - like, this is a VERY SPECIFIC kind of One Direction singalong song. I'd say you have to be in a particular mood but I listened to bits of this playlist nearly every day for years so that particular mood was very much my life, WHAT DOES THAT SAY, let's not think about it too hard

Vossi Bop - Stormzy - Fuck the government and fuck Boris (YEAH).

Dynamite - Taio Cruz - I DARE you not to sing along, imagine managing a database with this on the go (I can't not imagine it, it's indelibly linked in my brain, this is why me and this playlist are On A Break)

Take Me To Church - Hozier - are you having a bad day? Are you having a GOOD DAY? (I am the first one today) Anyway it DOES NOT MATTER, belt out this chorus, things will be IMMEDIATELY BETTER (i'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife)

Wake Me Up - Avicii - look, I keep a work notebook and every day I write the song I'm listening to as I'm building my work to-do list, and this has been on that list so many times, it's seen me through more than I care to mention

Girl From Mars - Ash - this was my favourite song aged 14, and I kind of think that any song that is your favourite song aged 14 is part of the foundational building blocks of your life and that's how these things go. I still have a friend who texts me every time she hears it because it reminds her of me.

Nobody To Love - Sigma - this reminds me of Nick Grimshaw and the Breakfast Show. It's also on my I Had Rather Hear My Dog Bark At A Crow writing playlist so quite frankly I've listened to it a MILLION times. Also, I had a total mental block on the end of the quote (love you, brain fog, bestest pal) so I just googled it, and it's fucking SHAKESPEARE, and on the front page of google next to this Shakespeare quote is the fanlore page for MY FIC. It used to be the actual fic so this is better, but, like, soz students studying Much Ado About Nothing, here's a second foundational text, how do you feel about watersports as a topic

Closer - Tegan and Sara - SPEAKING OF FIC. Two things, this is the second fanvid soundtrack song on this list, this being a Nick/Harry fanvid from about... 2013 and it is FOUNDATIONAL to my being. Also this (and a line from it) is the title of the fic I'm currently writing so we're transcending fandoms with this one, baby. HERE COME THE DREAMS OF YOU AND ME.

BONUS TRACK: Parce Mihi Domine, which is a classical track I heard on the radio one night when I couldn't sleep and had SUCH a huge fucking visceral reaction to because I KNEW it accompanied a scene on TV that I'd seen once, but had absolutely ZERO idea what it was. I had to find the PLAYLIST for the radio station, and figure out what the song was by listening to everything from the time it went out to figure out what it was, and then I had to google the piece to find out what it was used as a soundtrack for, and it TURNS OUT it's the end of series one of Queer as Folk US, for that whole bit after Justin is hurt and Brian is in the hospital wearing that fucking blood-covered scarf and fucking CRYING so yes, let's close with THAT FUCKER.

All these 10 (11) songs are on this playlist btw. Oh good, now it's skipped to Fireproof, a song I love so much I have it tattooed, this is fine, let's move on

Tagging @junkshop-disco (because their playlists are always the best), @stolemyhheart, and @imaginarygiraffe

[sinceileftyoublog]

GBV 40

Photo by Allison Ryder

BY JORDAN MAINZER

It's a popular wink-wink-nod-nod joke among the diehard Guided By Voices fanbase that dedicated GBV fandom is #notacult (but kind of a cult). You'd think that Robert Pollard and company were in on the joke, considering they decided to celebrate 40 years of the band's existence at a venue built by a 14-group Masonic Temple Association, which is a true story and not the name of the band's new single. As a full disclosure converted GBV head who has in the past attended Heedfest, the band's long-running fan weekend chock full of cover sets and Miller Lites, this first weekend in September absolutely felt like an extension of it, a full-on celebration of all things Guided By Voices. Celebrity superfan Paddy Considine came from overseas with his son Joe, playing a covers set at the Yellow Cab Tavern in Dayton's Oregon District. During the encore of GBV's first night at the Dayton Masonic Center, Scott Marshall (of Chavez fame), Matador Records Director of Digital, A&R Jake Whitener, and GBV manager David Newgarden presented Pollard with a "Most Valuable Lead Singer" trophy. Even Dinosaur Jr.'s J Mascis, normally reserved, gave the crowd a half-hearted "G! B! V!" chant during the band's opening set. Miller Lites at the venue (along with most other beer) cost a measly $6 per can, a bargain in 2023. During the second night, Pollard took a moment to thank the alcohol distributor, who may or may not have been stocking his personal cooler full of beer bottles and the once-again passed around Jose Cuervo. What's for sure is those bottles were fueling Pollard's high-kicks, 2022 busted knee be damned. Always different, always the same: It was The Fall. Is it now Guided By Voices?

Photo by Allison Ryder

Yes, the same spirit pervades GBV: In a recent beginner's guide to the band, Uproxx critic Steven Hyden described them as having "one foot in the bowling alley, and another foot in the art gallery," whether that's the band's early R.E.M.-indebted material, lo-fi golden era, Aughts arena rock attempts, or the current, arguably most prolific late-career lineup. The quartet of guitarists Doug Gillard and Bobby Bare Jr., bassist Mark Shue, and drummer Kevin March is certainly the most formidable group of instrumentalists to ever back Pollard, and his songwriting on this lineup's albums has notably embraced the proggier, more epic side of his forebears. During the band's anniversary concerts, they paid curatorial attention to these newfound favorites just as much as the "Motor Away" and "Tractor Rape Chain"s: the tempo-changing "Alex Bell", bopping "Dance of Gurus", and even absurdist poem "Razor Bug", delivered a capella by Pollard and Shue. Pollard also admitted how the band tackles the old imperfections, joking that March made sure to play all the original studio version "fuck-ups" from "My Impression Now".

But GBV also had work to do. This year so far, they've released two albums, La La Land and live-to-tape gem Welshpool Frillies, and purportedly (shocker) have two more in the can. Only this band could garner this much crowd enthusiasm by opening a four-decade celebration with the first three songs from their latest album, but when they're as good as the jagged "Meet the Star", cascading "Cruisers' Cross", and Cheap Trick-meets-Crazy Horse ripper "Romeo Surgeon", it doesn't really matter, does it? The sets in general were treated like a normal GBV marathon, featuring but not overwhelmingly dominated by their most recent output. Gillard's trademark guitars chimed through the sludgy "Seedling", while La La Land's "Queen of Spaces" offered a necessarily languid breather between "Everybody Thinks I'm a Raincloud (When I'm Not Looking)" and "Motor Away". To my pleasure, on night two, the band played La La Land closer "Pockets", a song about exactly what you think, that nonetheless exemplifies Pollard's ethos: As long as you have a sense of wonder and a penchant for songwriting, you can maintain constant creativity. Songwriting can be a daily exercise.

Built to Spill

Throughout the celebration, Pollard expressed thanks for past and present incarnations of GBV (joking that the current youngins help him up the stairs) as well as the other bands joining the celebration. The inspired lineup was a mix of 90's contemporaries (Dinosaur Jr,, Built to Spill), Dayton connections (the birthplace of Heartless Bastards' Erika Wennerstrom and Dino J.'s Lou Barlow), and new indie rock royalty (Kiwi Jr., Wednesday). Dinosaur Jr., Marshalls stacked upon Marshalls, treated the crowd to eternity-long fuzz jams heavy on their earliest albums, from "Gargoyle" and their faithful "Just Like Heaven" cover to "The Lung" and "Freak Scene". The next night, Built to Spill also offered a set with plenty of guitar solos and extended intros and codas, respectively bookending the set on the slow-burning "Stop The Show" and eternal "Carry The Zero". As for their (sort-of) cover, they chose The Halo Benders' "Virginia Reel Around the Fountain" and not Heartless Bastards' "The Mountain" since, well, the real thing had played right before them.

Heartless Bastards

Heartless Bastards are not a band you'd normally associate with 90's indie rock, though I wouldn't have expected Built to Spill bassist Melanie Radford to sing Wennerstrom's part so convincingly last time I saw BTS. Wennestrom and Martsch came out with Heartless Bastards on night two for "The Mountain", but I saw where the Texas-via-Ohio rockers fit in with the band lineup even more on other songs. Yes, their brand of blues-rock is unique, not quite punchy, certainly eschewing raw psychedelia for grooves or high and lonesome country. But while Wennerstrom's throaty singing led the hazy "Photograph", the song's instrumental outro with gorgeous guitar work snuggled beside Wednesday and Built to Spill. And the chugging back catalog highlight "Gray" came across almost like a GBV ripper with keyboards.

Kiwi Jr.

Wednesday

And then there were the up and comers. Toronto's Kiwi Jr. combined the instrumental concision of GBV with the storytelling of a band like Wednesday. They took from their three very good records, concentrating on their Sub Pop albums Cooler Returns and Chopper in their brief set, contextualizing "Maid Marian's Toast" and "The Sound of Music" (about insurance fraud and Christopher Plummer), easing the crowd into a night of clatter. Wednesday, meanwhile, was the unabashed non-GBV highlight of the entire festival, the band that converted the unfamiliar and justified those of us who have hyped them up. Their quintessential country-gaze was on full display from the moment they queued up the buzz saws of "Hot Rotten Grass Smell". "Chosen to Deserve" was the bonafide ne'er-do-well anthem, the song of the summer for the bad kids, Xandy Chelmis absolutely slaying on pedal steel. Of course, lead vocalist Karly Hartzman's drawl-cum-yodel was the perfect medium to communicate stories of people dying in Planet Fitness parking lots, getting electrocuted by your own house, and toothless men on oxygen tanks smoking cigarettes. But it was "Bull Believer" that absolutely brought the house down, tears in the eyes of people who had never heard the song before. In a rare move on a normally apolitical GBV stage, Hartzman decried the nadirs of the nation, from the return of student loan payments to the policing of Black and Brown and LGBTQ+ bodies. She invited the crowd to scream along in anger as she beckoned "Finish him!" Perhaps that's what even implored Pollard to, out of nowhere between "Twilight Campfire" and "To Keep An Area", declare, "We live in a shitty country...Everything is crooked as fuck!" It was a small moment, perhaps inconsequential, but one that really hammered down for me that after all these years, Pollard's done what he's always done: change.

[waynes-multiverse]

What can I say? I was in a Priestley kinda mood today 💙😏

I still haven't written for this character, although I love this dude with my whole heart. Someone should send me a prompt lol 😂

But God, this story gave me everything I wanted and more. I had all the feels! 🥹💙💙💙

Priestly bopped his head to the music playing from his earbuds. His iPod was tucked in his right jean pocket while he speared the mop across the floor of the sandwich shop. It was three minutes to closing time on a Saturday night, and it was his turn to clean up and lock up.

He's such a sweet dork! How could anyone not love him? 😭

Priestly heaved a sigh. What were you supposed to do with gifts from your ex that you actually liked? The gifts that made it into your everyday life, not just because they were from the person you thought you loved, but because it was actually hella practical and a nice accessory to keep on your person?

Lol honestly, if it's a gift you like and it doesn't hurt you too much, keep it. Full disclosure: my husband once received a fluffy pillow from an ex and it's my absolute favorite. I sleep on it every night and don't give a shit 😂

What was he supposed to do, have a ritual burning of everything Tish had ever touched?

Omg like Emily when she wanted to get back together with Ross! Where's Gunther? Maybe he wants to buy everything 🤣

That would take all damn night. And he definitely drew a line at his dick.

DECEASED 🤣🤣🤣 (Zep, don't make me quote this whole damn fic...)

And ugh, oh God, I hate situations like forgetting your wallet and then you stand there like an idiot and can't pay 🙈 But it was so sweet of him to offer it to her for free, although poor Priestley probably doesn't earn enough either to do charity like this so easily 🫶

If you were his girlfriend, he would do his best not to let you walk away angry at him, let alone this late at night, without any money or even your ID.

Yes, my boy, that's 'cause your a superb human being 💙

I’ve wrapped myself up in so many knots, I don’t even recognize myself.

Awww, he can relate after Tish. I honestly hated that he changed at the end of the movie. Like, whyyyyyy????? Tish would've liked him like he was, too?! What kinda message were they tryna send here? 🙈

“Yeah, I do,” you answered. “I’m a quick study. I could learn to eat pussy.” If he had been drinking something, he would’ve spat it out. He mentally fumbled for a moment before he could articulate a response.

Now I've died twice during one fic – noice 🤣🤣🤣 Also, I can relate with reader here. We've all been there and asked ourselves this very question 😂

And his response was GOLD 😆🫶

“Boaz Priestly. Interesting,” you nodded.

I honestly would love to meet Mr. & Mrs. Priestley and ask them tons of questions about how they raised such an awesome son 💙 Ooooo fic idea! Tell me how reader met his parents??? 🤓

And now, the angst in between was delicious. I also didn't expect it. I thought for sure she'd be back the next day. I really felt for his suffering there 😅 (Especially with Tish watching... 🙄 And while does she still work there? I do imagine it was Ross/Rachel post-break up vibes in the sandwich shop lol)

“Let’s talk outside. Little more privacy from the peanut gallery,” Priestly said to you, tossing a knowing glance over his shoulder. You spotted all the employees now watching you and Priestly closely. You became a touch more shy as he led you out of the shop with a hand resting on the small of your back.

Hahaha it's like the Friends too 😂

Aww, the ending was too sweet 🥹🥰 I love how shy they were around each other and that she essentially told him he should ask her out 😆

I'd honestly love to read more about these two! I adored this ❤️❤️❤️

The Miracle Man

Pairing: Boaz Priestly x F. Reader

Summary: The first time you met Priestly was both the worst and best night of your life. He gave you a Miracle.

AN: Here’s the prequel to Code Red! (But this can also be read as stand alone.) I hope you enjoy. And just a note, remember this was circa 2007, still the era of flip phones and iPods, despite the advent of the iPhone.

Word Count: 3,500

Tags/Warnings: 18+ only for mature talk. A kind of meet cute, insecurities, angst, breakups, hurt/comfort, sandwiches, fluff and feels.

He was a lone ranger in the Wild West. His weapon of choice?

A dirty mop.

Priestly bopped his head to the music playing from his earbuds. His iPod was tucked in his right jean pocket while he speared the mop across the floor of the sandwich shop. It was three minutes to closing time on a Saturday night, and it was his turn to clean up and lock up.

He was looking forward to getting home, taking a shower, and diving face-first into his bed. But first, he just needed to kill three minutes.

Come on, come on, come oooon, he sang in his mind as the hands on his watch ticked on. While glancing down at said watch, he remembered it had been a gift from Tish for his birthday…

Three months ago. When they were still together.

Priestly heaved a sigh. What were you supposed to do with gifts from your ex that you actually liked? The gifts that made it into your everyday life, not just because they were from the person you thought you loved, but because it was actually hella practical and a nice accessory to keep on your person?

It’s just a damn watch. Don’t make it a big deal, he reminded himself. What was he supposed to do, have a ritual burning of everything Tish had ever touched?

That would take all damn night. And he definitely drew a line at his dick.

“Hello?”

The front door of the shop opened, the little bell Trucker installed chiming with too much cheer and startling Priestly out of his thoughts.

“We’re closed,” he said. But that was before he looked up, and had to pause in his mopping.

You were standing there, holding yourself in the open doorway with the cold breeze hitting your back. You were wearing a red cocktail dress and the highest black heels he’d ever seen, with your styled hair falling around your shoulders.

You were entirely too beautiful to be in this old sandwich shop, he thought. It had Priestly swallowing, frozen in time.

“Really? The sign says 10,” you pointed out. There was a level of desperation in your eyes. “Please, you’re the only place with the lights still on and I’ve been all up and down the block.” 

Blinking out of his idiotic state, Priestly looked down at his watch again. It was exactly 9:59 p.m.

Well, damn. Got me on a technicality.

He held in a sigh.

“Okay, come on in,” he waved you over. Setting down his mop, he rounded the counter and went to man the register. He gave you a minute to peruse the menu. He noted that aside from your stunning attire, you had a cell phone in your hand that clearly couldn’t fit in that little purse hanging off your shoulder, bumping along your hip.

He couldn’t help but visually trace the curves of your hips and waist, back up to the sweetheart neckline of the dress, the deeper shade of your lipstick and up to your face.

But then he felt bad for staring, so he looked up heavenward before you caught him.

Meanwhile, your eyes drifted from the menu and dipped to his chest for a moment.

“Too bad I’m not gay,” you said.

What? Priestly frowned in confusion. But following your gaze, he realized you were staring at his yellow shirt, which read in big, 70s-style letters: Be Gay & Proud, Get a Free Drink.

His lips twitched at a grin, and he looked up at you. “D’you know what you want?”

You had a smile starting to play on your lips as well. You went back to considering your choices.

“Not sure, but I’m starving. What do you recommend?” you asked.

Priestly’s lips puckered as he considered the menu he knew by heart.

“Well, if you wanna go classic, I’d do a Spicy Italian on white bread. If you wanna be adventurous, we just added the Jalapeño Buffalo Chicken Club," he said. "But, if you wanna get crazy awesome, I can put on some Zeppelin and make you something special of my own design.”

He colored that last option with a gesture of his hand, a flourish, if you will. You tilted your head at him and smiled.

“Okay. Surprise me, Sandwich Man.”

Priestly snorted while he washed his hands again. “Sounds like the lamest superhero ever.”

“With his death-defying salami summoning powers,” you quipped, with a giggle that had him smiling as well.

“Nice alliteration,” he said. And he made a show of tying his apron back on. “Don’t worry, ma’am. Your late-night hoagie is safe with me.”

You tried to stifle another laugh while he worked his magic. From bread to meats and cheeses and toppings, Priestly was a master of his craft. He had that 12” hero wrapped and sliding across the counter towards you in record time.

“I call this the ‘Miracle,’” he winked. “You’ll see why. But that’ll be $10 even.”

You nodded and turned to the purse on your hip. You opened up the little velvety thing, but your face fell when all you found was your keys, not your credit card.

“No.” Your heart dropped into your stomach. You opened your purse wider and flipped through the satin insides, but you saw that it was empty. “You’ve gotta be shitting me. I know I had my wallet in here…”

And then it dawned on you.

“That fucking asshole,” you growled.

Priestly’s eyes widened. “Uh…”

Your head snapped up to his. “I had a different purse picked out for tonight. You know, one that actually had my wallet in it? But my know-it-all boyfriend had the nerve to say, ‘That one’s too shiny, looks kinda cheap. This is a restaurant at the Ritz-Carlton, not a hooker hangout.’ Can you believe that?”

Priestly blinked in confusion, but he realized that in your purse shuffling, you had no way to pay for this amazing sandwich he’d just concocted.

And now, you actually had the beginnings of frustrated tears in your eyes as you took in a shuddering breath.

“I’m so sorry,” you said. “I can’t—I can’t pay for this. I don’t have my wallet… Hold on, let me see if he’ll…”

You held up a finger and started dialing manically on your phone. You held it up to your ear and waited. Your tears sprang forth anew when the line just kept ringing until it sent you to voicemail. 

“Figures,” you scoffed. “The one time I actually need this douchebag to answer, he ignores me!”

You slammed the phone down on the counter and covered your face with your hand as you sniffled. Priestly softened with sympathy. You seemed to be having a harder night than he thought.

He slid the sandwich your way, making you raise your head.

“It’s okay. This one’s on the house,” he said. “Looks like you could use a pick-me-up.”

Your watery eyes met his. “Really? You don’t have to…”

“No worries,” he replied, giving you a bit of charm in his grin. “I’ll even throw in a soda. Lady’s choice.”

Your lower lip trembled, but you were able to smile. With a quiet thank you, you wiped under your eyes carefully so your mascara wouldn’t run. Then you grabbed a Coke from the machine along with your sandwich from the counter.

“Do you mind if I eat here?” you asked, gesturing at one of the tables. “I promise I won’t leave a mess. I know you’re trying to close up.”

Priestly waved a dismissive hand. “Sure. Don’t worry about it.”

He went around the counter to take up his mop and continue where he left off in the cleaning process. But he couldn’t help but eye you every now and then. Curiosity was starting to eat him alive.

Had your boyfriend just dumped you here? Had you gone off alone? Somehow, he couldn’t see the first option happening. If you were his girlfriend, he would do his best not to let you walk away angry at him, let alone this late at night, without any money or even your ID.

“Are you coming from a party or something?” he found himself asking. You looked up from your second bite of the sandwich. You’d looked to have been truly enjoying it, uttering a moan that’d caught his attention.

“No,” you chuckled humorlessly around a mouthful of bread. “I was supposed to meet his parents. His rich, very bougie, hyper-critical parents. Somehow it didn’t occur to me that he was just like them.”

Priestly paused and leaned on his mop. He was hesitant, not wanting to disturb you while you were eating, but he was too damn hooked.

“So…what happened?” he asked. You scoffed and took another massive bite of your sandwich.

“Okay, you want to hear this? Fine,” you began. “So, I’m a stress eater by nature. Let’s just start with that.”

“Who isn’t?” Priestly supplied. Pursing your lips, you raised a black olive at him in a thank you gesture.

“But when I tell you I spent three months depriving myself to fit into this dress. No carbs, cheese, chocolate, or happiness.”

He grimaced. “That’s no way to live.”

“Exactly!” you concurred. “But I did all that so my boyfriend would have nothing to say when I finally met his parents for this dinner—to celebrate him graduating from med school.”

Priestly found himself dimming inside. Not only were you spoken for, but you were with a future doctor, no less. The only title Priestly had to his name was Sandwich Man.

“It started with the purse thing when he picked me up. Then when we get there, he keeps telling me how stuffy his dad is and how judge-y and critical his mom can be and how I’m a reflection on him,” you mocked in an impression of his voice.

“Then I find myself second-guessing every word that might come out of my mouth, and I’m too nervous to even eat the $60 plate of Chilean sea bass in front of me, and not to mention, there’s a glass of wine in my hand. I don’t even like wine!”

By now, it was all Priestly could do to keep up with your verbal spitfire. You were also gesticulating wildly with your sandwich the more worked up you got.

“I mean, I’m saying things I don’t say, and suddenly I realize that I’ve wrapped myself up in so many knots for this man, I don’t even recognize myself,” you confessed. Your eyes lit up with a gleam of clarity. Your hands lowered down to the table, and after a beat, you continued eating.

“But then my boyfriend of over a year turns to me and says, ‘Why are you being so weird and frigid?’” you said. You met Priestly’s eyes. “I just, I got so mad. I wanted to choke him out with my napkin, you know?”

He bit his lip to stifle a laugh.

“So instead of violence, I grabbed the glass of pinot noir, or chardon-perignon-whatever-the-fuck, and I poured it in his lap,” you concluded. “Then I walked out. And I ignored his calls. And I kept walking. Then a nice guy made me a sandwich.”

Priestly had to smile at that. He knew there was a Ritz-Carlton in the area, but that had to be almost a mile down the street. You’d walked a long way in those crazy-ass heels.

He propped his mop against a nearby table and sat down across from you. He shook his head in wonderment. And inside, your words kind of rattled him.

I’ve wrapped myself up in so many knots, I don’t even recognize myself.

“You know, sometimes I really, really wish I was gay,” you said, gesturing at his shirt.

“O-Oh…really?” he asked, raising his brows.

“Yeah, I do,” you answered. “I’m a quick study. I could learn to eat pussy.”

If he had been drinking something, he would’ve spat it out. He mentally fumbled for a moment before he could articulate a response.

“Well, I don’t doubt you, but it can be an acquired taste. Though I happen to like it,” he replied, grinning mostly to himself. He didn’t even think about how it might come out though.

As soon as he realized what he was saying to a perfect stranger, his eyes widened and met yours.

"Uh, sorry," he said.

But you just chortled in amusement. Your blush intensified though, along with your smile as you took a sip of your soda.

“You’re uh…you’re pretty awesome,” he said. And he meant that.

You blinked in surprise. Your lips twitched upwards, a blush rosy in your cheeks.

“Yeah?” you asked. His smile deepened.

“Yeah,” he replied. “And for the record, I know I just met you, but…I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Your face softened with a certain shyness, but you smiled at him through your lashes.

“Well, I appreciate that…” you trailed, realizing you didn’t yet know his name.

“Priestly,” he offered, along with his hand across the table. You slipped your smaller hand in his and gave him your name.

Though you quirked a brow at him. “Priestly? That’s your first name?”

Now it was his turn to get a little embarrassed.

“Uh, no,” he said, his gaze falling from yours. He scratched the back of his head, under the blue mohawk.

“Oh. What is it, then?” you asked.

“You don’t want to know,” he chuckled wryly.

“I think I do, or I wouldn’t be asking,” you countered. Your smile was playful though. Disarming, even.

“It’s um, it’s Boaz,” he admitted. You tilted your head, as if swirling the name around in your head. But you didn’t say it was weird, or stupid, or too biblical. You just smiled.

“Boaz Priestly. Interesting,” you nodded. Then you wrapped up your garbage, having eaten all of your sandwich. You made sure to collect every crumb, even though he’d told you not to worry about the mess. You got up to take it to the trashcan near the door.

“How’re you getting home?” he asked.

You bit your lip. The anxiety in your eyes told him you’d been pondering that same question. You let out a deep breath.

“I guess I’ll have to walk back to the hotel, try to get a ride from my b…my ex-boyfriend. Gotta get used to saying that,” you said. “I promise I’ll pay you back for the sandwich.”

“Didn’t I tell you it was on me? Don’t worry about that,” said Priestly. “But I’ll tell you what, let me give you a ride.”

You shook your head. “Oh, thank you, but we just met, and I—”

Just then, Priestly realized how his offer sounded. He didn’t want to creep you out.

“Ah, or I can get you a cab,” he said. “I doubt you want to see that guy again tonight, do you?”

You bit your lip, smudging some of the scarlet red lipstick there. It distracted him for a moment, but he returned his gaze to your eyes.

You sighed. As much as you didn’t want to impose again, you let Priestly call you a cab. He paid for it in advance after you gave the cabbie your address. Before you got in the car, you turned to Priestly and touched his arm.

“Thank you,” you said. “I promise, I’ll come tomorrow and pay you back.”

He smiled. “You can try.”

He earned your sweet smile back, and he watched you get into the cab. He tried not to raise his hopes up, but he really did hope he’d see you tomorrow.

And yet, he should’ve known it was too good to be true.

“Maybe she got caught up at work or something,” Jen tried to console him the next day at closing, after you didn’t show up.

“It’s Sunday,” he pointed out grumpily. He continued to wipe down Table 4 of some nasty residue of mayo and pickled radish.

“You don’t know what kind of job she has,” Piper interjected. She was making a tuna salad sub on wheat for the last customer, which she then passed on to Tish at the register. “Maybe she’s in retail, or she’s in the restaurant business too—or hey, a lifeguard! This is a beach town after all.”

“Or maybe, she just played you into getting free food and a ride home,” Tish suggested, with her usual brand of cutting sarcasm. It just tended to cut a bit deeper these days, whenever it was leveled at Priestly.

The post-breakup thing had been tense and awkward for everyone, and it still hadn’t normalized just yet in their little sandwich-making ecosystem. Jen shot her friend a look though, one that told her she was being bitchy.

The problem was, she’d only voiced what Priestly was thinking anyway, deep down.

“Amazing, serendipitous things don’t happen to me, Piper,” he said. “Not anymore.” 

He continued cleaning.

Three weeks later, it happened on a Friday afternoon.

It was one of their busiest times of the week. Tish was at the register as usual, Jen was sorting through the inventory and bussing tables, and Priestly was making hero after hero like a fiend, alongside Piper. He was definitely living up to his name of Sandwich Man.

He was still able to recognize your voice near the register.

“One 12” Miracle, please,” you requested.

“Um…we don’t have that on the menu,” Tish replied. But Priestly looked over with a grin. He met your gaze, and found you smiling back at him.

Tish followed the exchange with suspicion.

“One Miracle, coming up!” Priestly called out.

He had the order ready within minutes, but he was painstaking about it, not an olive out of place. He wrapped it up nicely and walked it over to the register himself, placing it in front of you on the counter.

“Well, hi there,” he greeted.

A familiar blush spread across your face, just as endearing as he remembered. The only thing different about you so far was your clothes. No longer dressed to the nines, you were more casual in your jeans, ankle boots, and V-necked top.

In every other way, you were the same. It might’ve been making his heart trip up.

“Hi,” you said. “Got a minute, Miracle Man?”

Priestly ducked his head, hiding a more bashful smile. Before he could respond, Tish interrupted, “That’ll be $10.”

You nodded and handed her a $50 bill. She looked at you in confusion.

“The rest is a tip, for the hero makers,” you explained, glancing at both Priestly and Piper. He gave you an incredulous smile.

You little minx, he thought. He couldn’t say no if you were tipping Piper too.

But he did ask Jen to help fill in for him while he made his way around the counter to go to you. Tish just watched the scene unfold with a silent frown, like she was trying to make sense of what was happening. She always thought she’d be the first one to move on.

“Let’s talk outside. Little more privacy from the peanut gallery,” Priestly said to you, tossing a knowing glance over his shoulder. You spotted all the employees now watching you and Priestly closely.

You became a touch more shy as he led you out of the shop with a hand resting on the small of your back. You slipped your sandwich into a larger purse than last time. Then you looked up at him with apologetic eyes.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to come back here,” you said. “It got a bit…ugly, after that night.”

Priestly’s brows furrowed in concern. “Ugly?”

“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” you assured him. “Lots of shouting and empty threats, then half-assed apologies. But I’m done with all that.”

Priestly considered that with a nod. “Well, good. I’m glad to hear you’re doing better.”

You stared up at his face, and you thought he really seemed to mean that. You knew you shouldn’t be feeling that familiar flutter in your stomach, not three weeks after breaking up from a year-long relationship. Even so, the night you walked out of this shop, you felt free. Like you could breathe again.

You felt like you.

So now, you leaned up and kissed Priestly on the cheek.

His eyes widened a fraction as he stared down at you. You smiled and grasped his hand.

“Would you maybe want to…ask me out sometime?” you asked. A nervous giggle escaped you, making him smile.

“Y-Yeah, I would. If you’re sure you want me to,” he replied. In the past, maybe he would’ve let his excitement get the best of him. He’d be trying to jump at this chance. Experience had taught him not to hope too hard though. Sometimes, getting what you wished for backfired in your face.

You squeezed his hand, earning his attention.

“Why wouldn’t I?” you asked. Your smile became teasing before you used his words against him. “From what I’ve seen so far, you’re pretty awesome. But mostly pretty.”

He had to laugh at that. Pretty was not something he’d ever been called in life. Weird, freak, try-hard goth—that was all familiar territory. His tattoos and piercings tended to bring that out in people.

But he gathered some courage and squeezed your hand back.

“Well, you’re beautiful,” he said, thumbing at your chin. His eyes met yours and got lost there for a moment. “Uh, really beautiful.”

You blushed further and bit your lower lip out of habit. It drew his gaze, and he gained a little more courage. He tilted your chin upwards, so he could find those lips easier in a kiss. Your fingers curled in the front of his shirt and brought him closer. His hand found your cheek as he angled deeper into the kiss.

Despite the chill on the air, the California sun was warm and beating down on you both.

It was the perfect day for a Miracle.

AN: How I love Priestly lol. If you liked this, let me know! 💜

Priestly Masterlist

Main Masterlist

BP Tag List:

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[canonicallyanxious]

Got a lot of free time on my hands rn [who could say why...] so i put a bit of effort into this year's top 10 lists by which i mean i stole canva's assets for myself and rubbed my gay little hands all over them pls enjoy

absolutely did not have braincells for a proper movies/shows list this year but i will have a special shows-adjacent list out at... some point idk

Full lists along with notes/ramblings under the cut:

Favorite 2023 Album Drops

10. Cherish - Vacationer

9. Phone Orphans - Laura Veirs

8. Praise a Lord Who Chews but Which Does Not Consume; (Or Simply, Hot Between Worlds) - Yves Tumor / this album is gender and no i will not be offering further explanations at this time

7. Red Moon in Venus - Kali Uchis

6. My Big Day - Bombay Bicycle Club

5. Metro Boomin Presents Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse - Metro Boomin, various artists / specifically the deluxe version which has some personal faves the og doesn't, like take it to the top and infamous

4. Unreal Unearth - Hozier

3. The Age of Pleasure - Janelle Monae / full disclosure this one is so high on this year's list because watching them perform this live did rewire my entire brain

2. The Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We - Mitski

1. Javelin - Sufjan Stevens / the vinyl for this album comes with an art booklet made by Sufjan that includes 10 mini-essays about love, and reading them for the first time felt like putting my heart in a fucking blender. [you can also read them all here for free if you feel like doing that to yourself tonight]

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

SOS - SZA / the greatest mistake of my life was leaving SOS off my 2022 album list and it will forever haunt me. unfortunately it was also a big grower for me and was released too late in the year for me to realize its genius in time. can't put it on my 2023 list either but pls know it is number one album of the year. in my heart

Soft Machine - Arlo Parks / i think this could have ranked higher had i managed to get around to checking it out when it actually dropped but unfortunately my dumb ass didn't catch it until v late in the year so there you go

House of Groove - Roche Musique / compilation so technically there's a bunch of artists on this record, found this one a little late in the year but wanted to shout it out bc i really enjoyed every track i heard off of it, no small feat

Sorry I Haven't Called - Vagabon / i have no excuse or explanation for this exclusion, there were simply too many records i loved this year

Favorite 2023 Song Finds

(note: per tradition, not confined to 2023 releases, just bops i listened to for the first time this year)

10. So I Danced - DPR IAN (2023) / i forgot to include the year in the graphic and i am too lazy to change it soz

9. Angelina - Milo Korbenski (2021)

8. No Good - Young & Sick (2019)

7. Better Now - SebastiAn, Mayer Hawthorne (2019)

6. Liquid Love (Mr Jukes Remix) - Billie Marten (2021) / one of those remixes i like better than the og, and to be clear i like the og quite a lot. also as i was putting together this list i learned that Mr Jukes is actually the name of the solo project of Bombay Bicycle Club's lead singer so like the more you know!

5. Hair Receding - Xenia Rubinos (2013) / i heard this song for the first time in December which usually would put it at an unfair disadvantage compared to songs that i've had the full year to get attached to but listening to it shook my molecules so vigorously i had no choice but to put it on this list

4. Zero (JID Remix) - Newjeans (2023) / look i am fully aware this song is a blatant kpop ad for coke zero and the chorus literally translates to "coca-cola is tasty / coca-cola is tasty" but that doesn't mean it isn't a BOP. another remix i prefer to the og, i think jid's verse and subtle production tweaks really elevate it to something i never want to stop playing when it comes on

3. Been Thinkin' - Hikes (2019) / or: my most played song of the year! don't examine what this probably reveals about the state of my psyche too closely!

2. I'm Your Man - Mitski (2023)

1. Bruises - Angel Haze (2015) / though i was genuinely v surprised this one did not make it onto my spotify top 5, considering every time it came on this year a fugue state did overtake my whole body and did not dissipate until i had played it at least another four or five times

[harrynightingales]

the old guard @ eurovision (a crack mix)

the playlist equivalent of a shitpost: i.e. what i get after far too many hours spent listening to eurovision songs

this exists mostly because hearing “hasta la vista” and thinking of joe @ booker made me laugh, and i decided it warranted the most ridiculous playlist i’ve ever made. its pretty much chronological following pre-canon, the events of the movie, and post-canon. hope it gives you a laugh! songs and lyric snippets under the cut. 

heroes - måns zelmerlöw (the team / “this is what we do”)

We are the heroes of our time But we're dancing with the demons in our minds

invincible - carola (andy/quynh, the original power couple / “they ran through the world together, fought thousands of battles side by side”)

Invincible – one love supreme Unbreakable – one land of dreams Two hearts unite – insatiable This love tonight – invincible

playing with fire - ovi & paula seling (the enemies to lovers speedrun pt. 1: enemies / “we killed each other” / “many times”)

Boy, boy, boy, if you're mean I will start a fight tonight You and me, can't you see, We're playing with fire Tell me now, Do you feel this burning desire?

miracle  - ovi & paula seling (the enemies to lovers speedrun pt. 2: lovers / “my blessing isn’t that i get an eternal life. my blessing is i found you.”)

All the things I see I think I see them too All for you and me It's like a dream come true It's so beautiful No one will ever know It's a miracle

if love was a crime - poli genova (andy/quynh + joe/nicky giving homophobia a big fuck you over the centuries)

If love was a crime then we would be criminals Locked up for life but I'll do the time

Together we're untouchable You and me against the world Together we're invincible They will never break us down

always - aysel & arash (andy/quynh + joe/nicky living their best gay lives; the happy years)

Always on my mind Always in my dreams I wanna hold you close with me Always all the time

sound of silence - dami im (quynh under the water / “she kept fighting and she kept drowning”)

Getting hard to break through the madness You're not here it never makes sense Tidal waves of tears are crashing No one here to save me drowning 'Cause baby you're not here with me And I keep calling calling

undo - sanna nielsen (booker losing his family / “just because we keep living doesn’t mean we stop hurting”)

Undo my sad Undo what hurts so bad Undo my pain

alcohol is free - koza mostra (booker and andy’s unhealthy coping mechanisms)

Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol is free Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol is free

rise up - freaky fortune (kill floor)

Come on and rise up jump out of what keeps you down, Get high and rise up fly get your feet of the ground, Come on and rise up rise up rise up rise up rise rise rise...

alive - vincent bueno (nile discovering her immortality)

All I need is a little spark To light this whole world up Prepare for fire shots Only you can make me feel alive again, alive again

never forget - greta salome & jonsi (andy remembering quynh / “i lost a soldier”)

She mourns beneath the moonlit sky

Remembering when they said goodbye

Cause I still believe that you’ll remember me

grande amore - il volo (the van scene / “he’s all and more”)

Now you know

You are my only, great love

too late for love - john lundvik (the potential for nile/booker / the cave scene)

Say, am I wrong To wonder if it could be you and me? Is it too late for love? Hmm Is it too late for love? I wanna know Is it too late for love? I can't take no more Is it?

warrior - nina sublatti (andy & nile / “you come from warriors”)

World's gonna listen to me Violence, set it free Wings are gonna spread up

World's gonna get up and see I'm a warrior

every minute - eric saade (joe and nicky reminiscing about their malta sexcation / “oh, THAT time in malta...”)

We couldn't sleep, so we were up all night Making each other blush, and that's all right

I love it in the morning  I love it in the evening  I love it every weekend I want it all, every minute

proud - tamara todevska (nile making her own choices / “i’m not doing this”)

Tell them Raise your voice and say it loudly Show them what it means to stand up proudly

what about my dreams - kati wolf (copley realizing merrick’s true colours & helping nile / “he only cares about her immortality, not what she’s done with it”)

What about how I feel? What about my needs? I can't hold back, I can't go back I must be free What about how I feel?

its my time - jade ewen (nile in the elevator / “good luck, ms. freeman”) *note: not on spotify

It's my time now I'll break through I've made my move And my faith is strong now I've got the heart To reach the heights To show you it's my time tonight

hasta la vista - ruslan alehno (joe @ booker post-betrayal / “you selfish piece of shit”)

You've cast me away to a desert shore You've shattered my heart, now you keep the score

Hasta la vista, baby I'm gonna miss you, maybe

(i would) die for you - antique (the found family fighting together / “cover andy”)

'Cause I would die for you Look into my eyes and see it's true Really I could never lie to you Just to make you see that No one else could ever love you Like the way I do

say yay! - barei (andy regaining hope / “you reminded me that there are people worth fighting for”)

I feel alive  I wanna fight Won’t fix by running Come on and raise your battle cry You are the one who never dies

a new tomorrow - a friend in london (copley’s board)

Come on boys, come on girls In this crazy, crazy world You're the diamonds you're the pearls Let's make a new tomorrow

this is our night - sakis rouvas (the immortal squad with a new mission and new purpose / “let’s get to work”)

Time has come, so make a stand On your own, and take command Beat the odds, you will survive Stronger now, you feel alive This is our night, fly to the top baby Yes we can do it, just wait and see

rise like a phoenix - conchita wurst (post-credits: quynh returning / “hello, booker”)

Out of the ashes seeking rather than vengeance Retribution you were warned Once I'm transformed Once I'm reborn You know I will rise like a phoenix

edit: unlikely that anyone would notice, but i’ve made some slight changes, mostly reordering! also if anyone is curious about which countries are represented, the highest number of songs are from sweden (5), greece (4), austria, romania and bulgaria tied (2) and then azerbaijan, australia, iceland, italy, georiga, north macedonia, hungary, spain and denmark all have 1. 

also, songs that didn’t make the cut, in case anyone wants more:

drama queen - joe and nicky hanging out with drag queens and punching nazis in 1930s berlin

cake to bake - the baklava scene

not alone - eventual post-canon booker forgiveness

[dorkylittleweirdo]

favorite song atm, favorie horror movie, and do you have dyed hair rn if so what color?

oh god you're making me pick just one favorite uhhhh,, heavier - slaves

horror movie,, honestly i don't watch a lot of horror movies bc i usually find em pretty boring askfhasl i guess i'll go with the ring

i've never dyed my hair actually but if i did i would dye it purple

[mandareeboo]

SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not. 

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me. 

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky. 

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster. 

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs! 

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly. 

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong. 

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

[thequiver]

Feel free to ignore but why do you dislike BOP? Just interested in your thoughts about it

Full disclosure I’ve only read Vol. 1 but I saw enough to know it’s not my thing.

Yeah so my biggest issues are that I’m a huge Dinah fan and I don’t like the way that she’s written in BoP- I don’t like the way that Babs treats her, I don’t like the way that writers shove other characters under the bus to prop her up rather than having her stand on her own merits, I don’t like seeing a character who had a strong aversion to having kids as a hero be pushed into adopting one while at the same time taking on a white savior role, the Union busting, etc.

I also don’t like the way a lot of the writing is racist or the ways that it depicts sexual harassment and assault, as a survivor it rubs me the wrong way.

I like the concept - but from what I’ve read? It wasn’t executed well imo. I’m also just not a fan of girl boss feminism or feminism that involves putting men down and so it’s not my thing. I feel like I like all of the characters better when they aren’t together.

A lot of it too definitely stems from me liking Oracle as a concept and as a disabled woman being very excited to see her find a way to continue being a hero and to evolve to her situation- but if I think about Oracle for longer than like 5 minutes I feel very uncomfortable. This is very much the GA stan technophobe in me talking but I am not a fan of the surveillance thing which is a lot of what Oracle does, it’s a huge complaint I have about the justice league and Batman as well. It makes me very uncomfortable- and I know that’s a me problem but I just don’t like it.

[dreamysoshi]

queendom2 ep. 3 reactions

i watched the first two shows just know that imho loona and hyolyn are eating and mnet is lowkey setting up kepler i fear...

i feel bad for brave girls but i truly think they’re not the best for this comp like...i’m sorry my hag queens !!

sinb and viviz so concerned about the evil edit but deadass i think they’re just bitchy lmao. actually umji and eunha are cute it’s just sinb 

WJSN trying to figure out how to beat hyolyn i love yall but its not happening

hyolyn is arguably too talented for this show, like i think the first season was pretty evenly matched but hyolyn is on a whole other level of skill and performance

DID SINB JUST SHADE KEPLER AND BRAVE GIRLS???? BOO TOMATO TOMATO TOMATO

i would like to formally apologize to loona on behalf of myself and my mutuals for spreading the rumors that bbc was broke and they were disbanding lmao 

i know i shit on kepler all the time but they’re cute girls, they’re funny and WA DA DA is very much a bop. i just don’t think they’re ready for queendom

another year, another whisper game that loona is horrible at

wjsn and kepler immediately guessing the songs,,,talent methinks 

hyolyn’s team seems so cool, her company is general just seems like an awesome place to work

idol hairstylists i’m begging you to find purple toner because some of these girls blonde hair is looking BRASSY

whenever exy is on screen i forget everything i was doing hnnnnnnggg

not a prolonged cut of seola crying mnet is so shady heheh

idk any of brave girls names but there’s one that i find so hot...bark bark i can be a dog ma’am 

update: it’s yuna thank you internet 

taeyeon is so tiny and pale looking like the ghost of christmas past

NEW HAIR!!!!!!!!!! i will never not love taeyeon if she has 10 fans i am one of them if she has 1 fan i am it if she has no fans assume i am dead

i just had a vision of hyolyn doing jinsoul’s runs at the end of ‘so what’...let us pause and think on that

wow so AOA is out of the basement @juanitasupreme must be frothing at the mouth 

global support team = gay loona ifans

WJSN ujung nation rise

i actually would have preferred if they did mago or apple i feel like they fit wjsn’s new concepts more

soobin could decipher the loonaverse

do y’all know the story about how wjsn clogged their toilet and then dayoung called the plumber and he was a fan and asked for their autograph ??

how much do you want to bet that mnet had something to do with this hourglass nonsense

not monsta x actually critiqing them i’d cry frfr

is yeoreum the main dancer now that the chinese girls are “on hiatus”? i actually never really thought about wjsn in terms of dancing

i forgot how hard gfriend dances are they were definitely the most intense 3rd gen gg dances

eunseo and seola making it a lil fruity as always

also seola is doing well with the vocal lines i assume dawon would’ve been doing if she were there

EXY SEXXXXXYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY 

you know what i’ll give this a 7.5 out of 10. they’re all super talented but idk if i get the concept and i also don’t love the song choice

LOONA LETSSSSS GOOOOOOO

full disclosure i’ve seen their performance five times already lol

fuck COVID for doing my girls like this !!!

not hyunjin trying to make the performance into a loonaverse reference 

NOT LOONA PRANKING HYOLYN AT HER OWN STUDIO

VIVI ISNT SLICK MISS VIAN HER EYES ARE UP THERE

wait why is this making me so sad,,,they all work so hard they deserve the world

nah but loona is selling STORIES like whole ass concepts and sets and plots, the others aren’t doing it like that

heejin and yves running that shit like the military lol no wonder their dances are always so in sync

all the girls thinking this is their last chance makes me want to puke i hope they know how much ifans adore them

ahh yes the return of fuckboy jinsoul

they really redid the whole choreo too loona left no crumbs for anyone else

go won giving power puff girl energy i know grimes is proud

THAT GROWL YESS KIMBERLY

9.7/10 i very much want to see this at the tonys this year...my only note is more vivi pls

i know the other girlies are SCARED and they should be

allons-y hag fans it’s brave girls time

i mean kepler has like five songs so their choice was limited 

it’s the fact that international girls and gays knew rollin’ was fire for years before korea hopped on the bg train...

are there any altos in kpop or is everyone forced to be a soprano

having them perform as they’re getting over covid seems cruel imo

they’re literally collapsing mnet get them a doctor

SOMEONE GET THAT GIRL A NUMBING COUGH DROP

also why is this crowd so dead they all deserve better

MVSK is actually a good song so i’m excited for this

okay this yuna girl is so hot i’m going crazy

you know what? 8.9/10 this was an unexpected slay, and they very much made it their own song, i guess i’m now considering mvsk a brave girls song 

[anonil88]

Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish: live listen review

Not going into it with too many expectations.

Getting Older: I like the lyrics...kind of, um its not a bad song its just not doing it for me as an intro.

I didn't change my number: Love the beat and background vocal mixing but the forward vocals are very punchy in your face. The bass on the back end of this song is kind of insane in a good way. Finneas really be putting his entire foot in his production. This new genre twist ooo chile if he ever starts producing for rnb acts we may have a problem. I hate the abrupt end to the track.

Billie Bossa Nova: The guitar melody that frames the song is the same as Havana by Camilla Cabello. Billie's lyrics are a lost better than Havana in terms of story versus radio playability. That being said this has a lot of radio potential like if I could go back in time this would be on the Gap Playlist in 2005.

My Future: I thought there would be more blending or seamless transition into this song. It may have been there but it was very subtle. Would love to hear Snoh Alegra do a cover of this song. Still really like this song and the lofi inspirations behind it.

Oxytocin: Very reminiscent of the sound from Billie that everyone is used to hearing. Again Finneas be in that studio in his whole bag while making beats. This song is um lyrically....Billie is like I'm an adult y'all. Which technically she is, but the people around her and herself gotta be careful that she is still young. Anywho Billie is using men to her advantage this is pretty clear 🤷‍♀️. Her and Finneas should continue their recent journey of scoring for television and movies. If they ever get to fully score an entire episode of something or a short film I can only imagine that magic.

Goldwing: Billie has been practicing her falsettos and studying some of her favorite rnb singers. The syncopation of her vocals as the beat *chefs kiss*. This is my favorite song. (Was my favorite and then I heard overheated.)

Lost Cause: I'm not a huge fan of this song, it doesn't really do anything new for me. Its missing this umpf and I felt the same way when I saw the music video.

Halley's Comet: This is if Sarah Bareilles and Norah Jones had a baby. Really enjoying the subtle but very nice transition in this song and then the microphone effects on her voice. She fell in love you can hear it on this album. There is also what sounds like a bit of Beatles melody in the songwriting to me. Also you can hear her almost crying on every single line of the main part of this song.

Not my responsibility: This song has to be listened to with headphones. I think this is what was played during her concerts when she did the little reveal. I would not want the pressure she has at 19 to uphold this image while going through all the same stuff we all went through or go through at 19. This includes how we each deal with our own body image.

Overheated: This song really shows how Finneas and Billie bounce off one another. The lyrics are some of the best combination of radio play/replay-ability, and flow, on the album. It really follows the production queues of 90s rnb and early 00s pop where the beat and the lyrics build on one another. It even has a similar bubble like drum that Darkchild used a lot in the 00s but its more muffled under the stacked layers of production. Finneas really makes something sound more simple than it is because if you go into the breakdown of their songs its like over 40 lines of vocals alone at times with more drums and just layers upon layers.

Everybody Dies: Thanks for the depression reminder Billie. This is much more hopeful than her past tracks about depression though. It's like a "this to shall pass" song about depression.

Your Power: IS THIS THE SAME VERSION AS BEFORE? Yes it is haha. This song got so much more hate than it deserved like its really good. Also the mixing with over the ears is very full. It feels like you're in a room and the speakers are all facing you. Also, is it weird to say that a song feels warm because this song feels very warm.

NDA: This song is very honest because she is making people sign NDA's to protect herself. Which its a mess that you can't have a fling or one night stand at that level of success or fame because some people will use it against you. Yes this does make me think how much messy shit is being said or done in Hollywood but no one finds out because of non disclosure agreements. But, this isn't something young stars openly discuss that they do for protection and also so they don't get in trouble. Because unfortunately some people should probably have an NDA on themselves glares at a certain rapper.

Therefore I Am: Yesss the transitions are back !!! Also this song is a bop liked it even when it dropped as a single.

Happier Than Ever: this song is sad and happy and a mix of a lot BUT I would love to hear Billie run forward with a country rock album. The end of this song is so distorted and punchy like Paramore.

Male Fantasy: She's in her Lana era yall she's in her Lana era. Just kidding, but I wonder if Jack Antanoff is sitting here listening to this like 🤨. Yaknow Phoebe Bridgers writing with Billie would actually be super super cool. Phoebe and Co. (I.e. Julien and Lucy) along with Billie's breathiness, ooo thinking that would sound really good. Also the lyrics would physically hurt in a good way.

The album ends a bit too abruptly for my taste but I definitely give this a 3.8/4 out of 5 for sure.

♧ My personal ranking of the tracks from Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish:

Overheated

Goldwing

Billie Bossa Nova

Everybody Dies

Oxytocin (2:18 to the end)

Happier Than Ever

Billie Bossa Nova

My Future

Your Power (ranking it here because its a really really strong song even if it isn't my favorite)

Therefore I Am

Male Fantasy

Oxytocin (the rest of the song)

Not My responsibility

Halley's Comet

NDA

Lost Cause

Getting Older

[kaylorrehabcenter]

Gold Rush and Happiness are Sisters

Gather round everyone and witness the clown try to prove that Taylor Swift wrote songs about a married (now pregnant) woman in the year of our lord 2020.

Also this is a seven page doc in my google docs so like. Get a cup of tea and some popcorn.

Ok full disclosure this is…..mostly me clowning. Like seriously. Don’t take my words as the word of God, this is just my interpretation and how I listen to the songs. And as a (former? Idk man) Kaylor I’m going to want to make these songs about my ship. Acknowledge your biases kids.

Also like. I change my mind a lot, but for a while this theory that Gold Rush and Happiness are connected has been stuck in my head and I wanted to write it down and post it in case anyone else got something out of this.

If you read my last post on Gold Rush (here!) you’ll know I don’t think of it as a happy song. To elaborate further- I think it’s Taylor catching herself looking back on Karlie/that time in her life (Because I think Karlie is emblematic of the 1989 era for Taylor and is thus tied to the pain that came out of that, along with her ties to the masters heist) and reminding herself it wasn’t good and ended for a reason.

“Gleaming, twinkling/eyes like sinking ships on waters/so inviting, I almost jump in”

“But I don’t like a gold rush” 

The sinking ship line makes me laugh. I like to think it’s Taylor saying she’s literally sunk our (dead) ship, but that’s mostly regressing to 2015 tumblr humur.

To the actual analysis, she almost jumps into these waters, maybe it’s literal (don’t text your ex kids, write a bop like closure instead) or maybe it’s more metaphorical. She almost allows herself to think the good times were the only times. Maybe there’s a desire to move back to nyc, capture the magic that she may have felt during the era. 

“I don’t like that flying feels like falling till the bone crush”

But that’s the thing. It feels like flying at the time, but it isn’t a feeling that can last. These relationships built on temporary promises (we’re assuming here Taylor was a side thing for Karlie, not that serious and built not to last, even if there were genuine romantic feelings on both sides, which I think there were to some level) won’t last, and will hurt when they do end. At least, this one did.

“Everyone wonders what it would be like to love you”

Everybody wants who she’s singing about and is imagining what it would be like to be with them, they think it would be a fairytale. Hell, Taylor probably thought their relationship would be a fairytale against her better judgement. Karlie is a celebrity and a model no less, yes she has other things going for her (Koding and investments), her brand and her success in the fashion world depends to some degree people desiring and fantasizing about her.

“I don’t like that anyone would die to feel your touch”

The funny thing about that, Taylor’s the only one who knows the pain of that relationship, of being a side thing and never committed to. It’s draining. It's difficult. She isn’t allowing herself to jump into those waters.

“I see me padding across your wooden floor/with my Eagles t shirt hanging on the door”

I point out this line mostly because it feels like a Delicate call back (Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs). Am I reaching though? Probably. Also as someone with parents about the same age as Taylor’s (give or take ten years), I like the Eagles reference. Stream Hotel California for clear skin <3

“At dinner parties, I call you out on your contrarian shit”

Taylor was the first person to call Karlie out on her “I’ve tried!!” bullshit, how cute. <3

Besides this line being very iconic, it also shows to me that Taylor’s been frustrated with Kar even when she was busy giving her heart eyes. She’s a frustrating person to be around even when you are “turning her life into folklore”.

“What must it be like to grow up that beautiful?/With your hair falling into place like dominoes”

Damn that’s a gay couples lines you got there Tay. Wonder if you’re wondering what it must’ve been like for Kar to grow up in the model industry, and all of the pressure and exhilaration that entails. From a male’s perspective ofc.

I also take the dominoes line to be Taylor saying what must’ve it been like to have this easy idyllic childhood. Maybe Taylor is the first time Karlie’s been with a girl outside of a hookup and didn’t have to go through the pain of realizing she was into women until later in life. (Not that that’s not painful, it’s just different, and allows you to have a perfectly straight childhood/teenagerhood)

“And the coastal town we wandered 'round had nеver seen a love as pure as it/And thеn it fades into the gray of my day-old tea/'Cause it could never be”

Maybe this relationship never existed in the way she thought at all. You know Carrie Fischer’s character in When Harry Met Sally and how until she meets the right guy, she spends the whole movie insisting that whatever married guy she’s seeing really loves her!! And he’s gonna leave his wife for her!! That’s what these two songs make me think about, waking up and realizing they were never going to leave their wife, you were projecting this whole story onto someone else, but that doesn’t mean there was no value in what happened.

“And the coastal town we never found will never see a love as pure as it/'Cause it fades into the gray of my day-old tea/'Cause it will never be”

The coastal town seems an obvious Rhode Island reference, to get more specific it reminds me of when Josh and Karlie visited Taylor at her Rhode Island home in 2014 and Josh looks peeved as hell. 1, 2 Also if I remember correctly, enty has a blind where he says there was a huge fight between Josh and Taylor which ended in Taylor not wanting to be around him again. Just interesting to note. (And if anyone has the receipt, please send it my way!)

Taylor may have been projecting this fairytale narrative at the time of being able to make it work, of being friends with Josh even but it didn’t work and the fairytale is left to be folklore, never made real.

The outro is the same as the intro to the song, implying to me that while she’s telling herself it was bad, you weren’t happy, she’s still catching herself missing it and what she had with Karlie. She left a part of her back in New York see, and she can’t stop her mind from retracing old footsteps.

Now, onto how I think Happiness and how I think it connects. I’m about to audition for the national team in the reaching Olympics. Wish me luck. :)

A bit of a preamble though, I don’t take this song ~super~ literally. Depending on what day of the week it is I think it’s probably her divorcee rpg simulator or her closing the book on her ex situationship gf on her own terms ~in a straight way~. So not to discredit this whole ass post but. Take with a grain of salt.

“Honey, when I'm above the trees/I see this for what it is”

See that bold bit? That’s the main connective tissue between these songs. She’s finally woken up and now that she’s this far removed from the relationship she sees what it was. To add to the pain of it all, this is especially potent if you wonder if Karlie gaslit Tay into thinking this wasn’t a big deal, they were just fucking around when Karlie has literal Softest Love Song You Are In Love dedicated to her.

“But now I'm right down in it, all the years I've given/Is just shit we're dividin' up”

This seems to me to be a masters heist reference. Karlie since Lover, is musically tied to this event in Taylor’s life, it’s what I think is keeping Tay from making a clean break from her so to speak. 

“Showed you all of my hiding spots/I was dancing when the music stopped”

This seems to be a Rep era/dwoht reference. Yes, Taylor constantly references dancing, but the hiding spots (loved you in secret! you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis!) combined with the dancing when the music stopped (I'd kiss you as the lights went out! Swaying as the room burned down!) brings out the full kaylor clown in me. 

“There'll be happiness after you/But there was happiness because of you/Both of these things can be true”

This is probably some of the most gut wrenching lyrics Taylor’s ever written. Damn, imagine having that written about you. Anyway, the point here is the thesis of this whole damn post. Gold Rush is Taylor catching herself daydreaming about the happy parts, and reminding herself about the bad to make her snap out of it. Happiness is her coming to terms that both parts of that relationship were true. Things aren’t that simple. 

“Haunted by the look in my eyes/That would've loved you for a lifetime/Leave it all behind”

This feels very Cruel Summer doesn’t it? “I love you ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” These lines make this relationship read as two things to me. One, it was very one sided, and Taylor/the narrator, was obviously left behind at the end of it when she was heavily invested into making this work. And 2, it was doomed from the beginning. Again. Big cruel summer energy here.

Or it’s a divorcee rpg simulator 3000. Now with extra glamour and opportunities to dramatically drink wine in dressing gowns.

I don’t have a lot to say about the second verse of the song that. Karlie has a nice smile, Gatsby reference, dig at whoever the next person to take Taylor’s place as a side fling (or a dig at Josh, or a baby reference since that’s what the Gatsby line refers to). The only other thing worthy of note for this post is the line following the Gatsby reference.

“No, I didn't mean that/Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury”

 is the next line, where she regrets what she just said and admits to saying overly harsh things and overlooking the truth of the matter when she’s angry, which to me feels like a big Afterglow/Me! reference.

“There'll be happiness after me/But there was happiness because of me/Both of these things, I believe”

I think a lot of what Taylor’s doing emotionally in the chorus is legitimizing this relationship for herself. Yeah, Josh and Karlie will have a happy life in Florida with Ivanka and them, but Taylor also made Karlie happy too and she doesn’t want Karlie to forget it. 

It reminds me of the way she talks about August, that she genuinely loves James/Karlie, and thinks they have something. But she’s just the pit stop on the commitment highway, and the depth of her feelings for the other person will never be acknowledged. It’s exhausting you know?

“In our history, across our great divide”

“Guilty, guilty reaching out across the sea/That you put between you and me”

Nothing to see here, just a nifty parallel. Karlie doesn’t want wrinkles in her new life see.

“There is a glorious sunrise/Dappled with the flickers of light/From the dress I wore at midnight, leave it all behind/And there is happiness”

This bit (which has some of my favorite imagery in this whole dang album!!!) reminds me of the end of the Wildest Dreams mv where she runs out to the car with the lover following her after the big charade of pretending not to care as much as she does, while knowing you aren’t the one that got picked.

Interestingly, if you look at the shot of the four characters together near the end, the outfits parallel the ones worn by Kar, Tay, and Josh at the 2014 Met Gala. This was of course the one where Tay and Kar got ready together and Karlie proceeded to spend the night with Josh and where Tay just looks. Miserable. (see here!)

The line also parallels Wildest Dreams lyrically.

“Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress/Staring at the sunset, babe”

Which you know. Worth noting.

The last line (And there is happiness) seems to point to there being happiness in leaving the bad situation just as much as there was happiness in the situation. It’s Time to Go anyone?

“I can't make it go away by making you a villain/I guess it's the price I paid for seven years in Heaven”

A series of thoughts. One, I love the first line where Taylor acknowledges anger isn’t going to make it better. There’s only so much being angry in this situation will do, and it’s not like Taylor’s record is clean here either. (I mean I assume. We know she went psycho on the phone anyway)

Two. Seven years in heaven is both a play on a famous game/turn of phrase (Seven minutes in heaven) but one of the more bold references to Karlie in her whole damn discography. Do I think they’ve been together for seven years straight? Not really. But do I think Taylor saw an opportunity and jumped on it? Yep. 

“And I pulled your body into mine/Every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties”

No thoughts head empty this line is a sucker punch and I love it. If anyone needs me I’ll be watching her perform ikywt on the vsfs and crying to yail.

“All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness”

Oh look! Another Gatsby reference. Or Taylor calling Karlie out on profiting off of her association with Tay after they clearly did not end on good terms. (Folklore themed maternity shoot anyone?) I mean, whatever floats your boat. 

A bit on the green light metaphor from Gatsby, because it’s worth noting even if I don’t have much more to say on it here.

“Situated at the end of Daisy’s East Egg dock and barely visible from Gatsby’s West Egg lawn, the green light represents Gatsby’s hopes and dreams for the future. Gatsby associates it with Daisy, and in Chapter 1 he reaches toward it in the darkness as a guiding light to lead him to his goal.”

Yes I copied that from Spark Notes. No I am not sorry. I have an exam tomorrow and I’m writing about a dead ship on a dead social media website. Sometimes we do what we must do.

I love the ending of this song, I really really do, it feels like taking in a breath of air and finally feeling free of the weight you’re carrying. It feels like a final goodbye, like Tay’s getting closure on her own terms and I truly love that for her. Bb’s stepping out into the daylight. <3 

There is happiness

In our history, across our great divide

There is a glorious sunrise

Dappled with the flickers of light

From the dress I wore at midnight, leave it all behind

Oh, leave it all behind

Leave it all behind

And there is happiness

So, what was this whole seven page post for then? 

Gold Rush and Happiness being connected has been a theory rattling around in my brain for forever and I’ve wanted to write it down for just as long. The tldr of it all is pretty simple, Gold Rush is about her reminiscing about the good parts of Kaylor, and pulling herself out of it, reminding herself it was bad and bad for her. Happiness is her legitimizing the relationship, and moving on while acknowledging there was bad and good in their story. It just took me seven goddamn pages to articulate that.

If you’ve reached the end of this. Damn. Thanks. Go get a snack or something, you deserve it after reading this.