#also fucking taking $10 to do two loads of laundry is absolutely ridiculous

[gender-sludge]

I finally put sheets back on my bed!!!! I feel human again!!! Crazy what can happen when a shitty body and an unmotivated brain eventually decide to cooperate.

[diamondcitydarlin]

okay quarantine’s got me with a lot of free time and inspo, it seems so here is part two of this growing ficlet that I think will need to be posted to A03 at some point yes? Part one is linked above, I’m not sure this little installment will make much sense without it.

probably goes without saying that this story will have nandor x guillermo endgame eventually, but there’s a lot of interpersonal shit that needs to be dealt with first methinks. A lot. A veritable laundry list of issues.

It’s early, early morning, still very dark outside and the time of ‘day’ when Nandor retires to his slumber. He and Guillermo are going through their usual bedtime ritual, which consists of (some amount of) disrobing, hair brushing, and now, of course, Guillermo’s occasional, quickly stolen glances at his phone. Nandor pretends he doesn’t see, at least for his familiar’s sake, but he does continue to send knowing sideways looks to the camera. The producers know, after all. 

And maybe if there hadn’t been that absolutely uncomfortable conversation with the other roommates he might have said something by now. Made it about Guillermo’s inability to stay focused and on-task or something. 

“Master, can I ask you something?” Guillermo says after a time, to which Nandor startles a bit. “I feel like the others have been...kind of strange lately. There’s a lot of weird staring. Glaring, maybe. I’m a little confused. Did I do something wrong…?” 

The producers are also aware that Guillermo has a secret of his own, and so he shares a look with the camera that suggests he might already have an idea of why he’s been on the wrong-end of so many dirty glances. 

“Staring…?” Nandor repeats, trying his damndest to seem like he has no idea what any of this could be about. “At you? I don’t know. Maybe you’ve misplaced some of their things while cleaning.”  

“Well...see, I considered that too, but they’ve never been afraid to point it out before. Usually in raised voices…” 

Nandor shrugs and insists, “Well, I don’t know, I’m not a mind reader!” 

Guillermo sends a doubtful look to the camera, and pushes with his newfound backbone, “Okay so...you really have no idea why they’ve been doing things like,...watching me from the upper landing while I clean the floor?”  

They both send a look to the all-knowing camera then, simultaneously unaware of each other’s respective panic. Nandor seems to be weighing the pros and cons of just coming out with it, or maybe some revised version of the truth. 

“Uhm...well, it’s just…” he stumbles, to which Guillermo backs away for a moment and watches him with narrowed eyes. Does he know? 

“There was a conversation the other day. It was all very ridiculous.” Nandor sighs, rolls his eyes. “I...noticed that you seem more distracted by your little computer-phone machine lately. I asked them about it. That’s all.” 

He kind of skips over his words as if it’s all of no real consequence, but Guillermo’s eyebrows have risen in surprise. Undoubtedly this isn’t what he was expecting. 

“You...could have just asked me,” Guillermo scoffs a little. “What did they say?” 

Nandor looks like a petulant child being forced to clean up his toys. 

“They...seem to think you’ve-...taken a lover.” But he scoffs too, willing the idea to be ridiculous. Maybe if he pretends enough that it is, it will be. “So, you see, it’s all rather silly. They get carried away sometimes, it-” 

“They think I have a boyfriend,” Guillermo clarifies, flatly. “Well. They are...right. I do.” 

He releases this knowledge as if it’s a bit agonizing to do so, but not nearly as much for him as it is for Nandor to hear it, as the camera so aptly captures. The latter of them turns on his heel, staring down his familiar, open-mouthed, and so he gapes for a moment before releasing a weak, “....oh….!” and one can see the process he goes through of shock, to feigning that this revelation is fine. No big deal, even. “That’s….nice…for you…!” 

Nandor’s fake smile is less than convincing, and this is cemented in the pause of awkward silence that follows. 

This might have been the point in things that Guillermo from before would’ve let it be, moved his master to retiring to sleep, but this is the Guillermo of now. The Guillermo that has been practicing often with his stake-loaded crossbow. The Guillermo that has been making out on the sly with the leader of a den of vampire hunters. He is not the same.

“Okay,” Guillermo sighs, impatience growing. “But none of this explains why Laslzo and Nadja keep watching me. Like they’re planning something. Or...know something I don’t. Why do they care if I have a boyfriend? I haven’t slacked on my job, I’m still...doing all of the things I’m supposed to do.” 

He says this with some amount of distaste and a look of uncomfortable self-awareness at the producers. Some of the things he’s ‘supposed’ to do would seem pretty god-awful to others in his life…

Either way, Guillermo is clearly backing Nandor into a corner. He didn’t need a stake-loaded crossbow to do that, it seems. 

When the silence continues as Nandor hems and haws for something reasonable to say, Guillermo suggests, “Do...you have a problem with me having a boyfriend?” 

“No!!!” Nandor quickly exclaims, having found his voice all of a sudden. “Why would that be of any consequence to me?? Everyone seems to think I give half a shit when all I care about is your constant distraction with that phone...computer…! Why does he need your attention every second of the day anyway??” 

As has been shown, time and time again, Nandor does not have a gift for knowing when to stop talking. 

Guillermo’s got a glare of his own now, as well as a clenched jaw. 

“Oh yea, I can’t even imagine someone needing my attention every second of the day, that would be insane.” 

Nandor does a double-take. “Are you being sarcastic with me? I don’t care for this tone!” 

“Well, I’m not too fond of this constant prying into the one aspect of my life that’s my own, after years upon fucking years of you demanding everything from me with little to nothing in return, let alone the agreement we made!” 

Both voices are definitely rising in volume now. 

“Agreement…” Nandor scoffs with a roll of his eyes. “More like the only thing I could do to get you stop following me around, begging me like a peasant on the street.” 

It’s possible the producers have never, to this point, captured Guillermo more angry than he is in this moment. They don’t waste the shot. 

“If I was so annoying why didn’t you just kill me?” he rallies back. “Might have saved us both the trouble of ten fucking wasted years!” 

The tenor in volume is now such that the sound guy is likely going to suffer some time of hearing loss, such that this ‘conversation’ will be heard to all corners of the house. 

Meanwhile, Nandor has paused, because...he realizes, perhaps, he’s never really considered why he didn’t just do that. Guillermo has a point. It would’ve been easier. Killing him any time along the spanse of his 10 years of supposed annoying service would have been easier- that is, if anything he’s said in that time had been the truth. 

“I-...!” he starts, then stops again, then settles on the stupidest thing anyone could have said in that moment. “This is a useless conversation. I’m not going to be yelled at by a servant with pathetic dreams of being something more. That’s all you’ll ever be! It’s a mercy that I never turned you! You would have been even more of an embarrassment to the house, to vampires everywhere, for that matter!”    

Something in Guillermo seems to have snapped. He’s working his jaw and trying to fight an urge inside of him that goes unspoken. It’s successful. He instead manages a forced, satisfied smile. 

“That’s fine. That’s all fine, because...I don’t...want to be a vampire anymore.” 

Despite all that Nandor’s just said, the look they capture from him is one of shock. Maybe something else. 

“And what’s more,” Guillermo continues, his words carefully chosen. “I don’t see a point in doing this anymore either.” 

And he throws the brush he’d been using on Nandor’s hair to the floor. 

“Brush your own hair,” he says, looking a bit delirious from all the things he’s holding back from saying, doing. “I quit.” 

And before anything  else can be said or done, Guillermo’s made a sharp turn out the door of Nandor’s room. 

For Nandor, it’s as if the cameras don’t exist anymore. He’s looking at the door like the world’s just caved in from underneath him. 

From outside the door, however, Colin is seen having listened in to the whole thing, and is now very much sated from the looks of it. 

“That...was amazing,” Colin tells the audience. “You ever find a piece of cake in the fridge everyone forgot about? That was a whole cake. Man, I hope he comes back. Let me know if they squabble again, yeah?” 

[finn0]

All the houses I’ve lived in

1. 94 Queens Rd, New Lambton, NSW

My parents current house since 1989 and the house I’ve had sex with the most people in. A regular two storey house opposite bush on a nice street with neighbours that don’t talk to you (perfect). 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms with air con, a big fireplace, pool and massive garage. Lovely, but I don’t expect to inherit it so the attachment must remain minimal.

2. 11 Cobb Ct, Annandale, QLD

Okay formative toddler years were spent here. A tropical style bungalow with the lowest ceilings you’ve ever seen and even lower hanging ceiling fans (take off your shirt with caution). A massive pool constantly populated with cane toads year round that saturated the yard with chlorine every time a cyclone blew through. More floor space than is necessary for anyone. Horrible, angry neighbours that hated children. Short walk to shops, no air con despite Townsville being the armpit of the country. I spent almost all of time sitting on a Big Bird beanbag watching Sesame Street and screaming in abject terror every time there was a toad sitting in the toilet bowl (which was worryingly frequent).

3. 27 Woodrose Cres, Sinnamon Park, QLD

Literally the ugliest house I’ve ever seen in my life. Gaudy, over-tiled, far too big for any family, nothing but white tiles everywhere and not a tree, nor plant, nor weed in the backyard, just grass the colour of hay. Who in Brisbane requires an attic? Who requires THAT many bedrooms? What the FUCK is that suburb name? This house we thankfully lived in for no more than 7 months but good God what a relief.

4. 45 Clarence Rd, Waratah, NSW

My grandmother Bessie’s house. We lived there for a year while I was in pre-school and while my parents house was being renovated. Absolutely fascinating house that each grandchild loved to visit. The most bizarre things were to be found there. First of all it was a regular 2 bedroom home with gaudy wallpaper and a 1950′s kitchen and bathroom, plenty of living space etc. BUT the bizarre flat that was downstairs under the house that was built for my great-grandmother to inhabit was like stepping a 1950′s motel room. Pea green bathroom, pink kitchen, rising damp, mouldy wallpaper, dust upon dust upon bugs upon discarded venetian blinds. Oh my goodness it was amazing down there. It smelled like a nursing home. PLUS under the house was this enormous space all covered in dirt and other crap and trinkets and sheets. ZERO light penetrated this space and therefore was the best place to crawl around and get spooked. The laundry, also under the house, had high ceilings that were stained a Jackson Pollock amount of colours from years of laundry and rising damp and rain leaks AND leading from under the cupboards in the kitchen upstairs was a laundry chute that led all the way down to the laundry WHICH smaller grandchildren could actually fit into and snake their way down to avoid the prying eyes of older cousins during games of hide and seek. Until you were too big to fit. Like I found out one day. Not an easy search and rescue mission, I’ll tell you that. OH AND the back bedroom had some creepy as shit naked dolls with no hair and meth eyes that rolled back in their head along with like strange 60′s childrens paraphenalia and tiny trinkets that I later found out were things like ACTUAL jewels from Scotland and vintage broken Rolex watches. Also I remember sleeping in that room in my mothers childhood single bed while she slept next to me in another, while my father slept next to my grandmother in a separate single bed in her room (why??). Later after she died, new owners bought the place and my mother met them after a few years and asked if they thought the place was haunted to which they replied an unequivocal “YES”, my mother then asked if they left dishes out in the sink of a night, to which they replied “.....yes” and Mum was like “Well that’s the culprit, my mother would NEVER allow that” and the look of understanding coupled with genuine fear cements the fact that my grandmother was and is a motherfucking force to be reckoned with, alive or dead.

5. 7/58 High St, Randwick, NSW

I moved to Sydney! Why? I don’t know! My partner was doing a degree at UNSW and I went with him because I was 21 and couldn’t stand my parents any longer so I buggered off. Now. This apartment was a second floor walk-up in a WW1 era building opposite a hospital and BEHIND a Coles loading dock. Plus there was a screaming autistic Arabian child downstairs and the loudest dog you’ve ever heard next door. Serene. Peaceful. Damaging to the psyche. We lived with my partners brother which was fine, but that place not only had no heating nor ceiling fans it also had no flyscreens. I didn’t even have my own set of keys. I shared ONE set of keys with my partner for two years. Fucking ridiculous. Yes, the food nearby was good. Yes, I commuted back to Newcastle most weekends to keep my casual job. Yes the neighbours were fascinating, ranging from the American guy across the way who never ever closed his bathroom window and gave me many shows of his frankly monstrous penis, to the chainsmoking nurse below who had a permanent frown despite living across the street from her work, to the Koreans downstairs who constantly cooked delicious barbecue while pretending to not speak English, to the gorgeous gay couple who lived above us who could add a new synonym to the dictionary to define “unfriendly”. We got out just before the new light rail was to begin construction right outside our building, but regardless, because of all the noise that surrounded that place before that, I now can sleep through the sound of a fucking jet engine roaring right next to my face.

6. 145 Wilson St, Carrington, NSW

Back to Newy! Okay so this was the first house we even Googled when looking for a new place back in Newcastle, and weirdly, we got it!. It was a tiny cottage in a harbourside suburb that was across the the street from wheat silos that are literally the size of Windsor castle. The day we moved in, a representative of the Port Authority knocked on our door and told us that if we ever heard a particular siren, that it meant the silos were on fire and an explosion was imminent and that we would have about 10 minutes to evacuate before half the city was Hiroshima-ed. Lovely welcome. We heard that siren (or a siren at least) about 50 times in the 2 years we were there. Pretty alarming, as it were. Anyway, the house was literally 3 rooms and a kitchen, 2 tiny cubicle afterthought bathrooms, and a nice big back deck. Now I was happy there, it had everything I needed, it was pleasant. I had a good garden going and I really learned to cook there. Carrington is where my family is originally from, and it was easy to walk everywhere and I loved the history of it. However, our landlord was a Chinese lady called Winnie who could not have misunderstood the concept of landlord responsibilities less. Any repairs or things we needed, she was not just unavailable but actively apathetic. It was like pulling teeth to get her to even communicate to the property manager in even basic English in regards to anything we required. Our neighbours on one side were a lovely couple with 2 babies but they had a dog called Trippi that would bark whenever someone in the opposite hemisphere coughed, and on the other side were a couple in their 70′s who were both suffering dementia, constantly screaming at each other and who also had two elderly dogs that would bark whenever someone nearby inhaled. For two years I heard literally nothing except Matt’s piano, Trippi barking, the other dogs barking, the neighbours angrily SCREAMING at one another, wheat silo alarms, screeching train tracks and coal tankers blasting their horns as they entered the harbour. Again, seasoned professional, can sleep through anything.

7. 46 Garden Grove Pde, Adamstown Heights, NSW

Alright, so two friends of mine, also a couple, were living in a tiny half house situation and also wanted out of their place, so we decided to all move in together, into a place that was much larger and that we could all collectively afford. So we found this lovely large house with 4+ bedrooms so that we could all have our own space and get on rather well. And it worked out! My partner and I had a great big bedroom, Matt had his own study, we had a library, a music room, and my friends had an enormous bedroom downstairs plus a huge bathroom/laundry AND there was 3 tiers of yard that we grew all sorts of vegetables in, plus it had a driveway that looped around (I would call it a plantation driveway?) so heaps of space for everyone. It was great, plenty of space for guests which we had a lot of, plenty of outdoor areas for entertaining, it was wonderful. But unfortunately my friends relationship ended and an old friend took one of their places for a year (also fine) but eventually it turned out that the place was getting sold and after literally months of surprise inspections and open houses we’d all had enough and decided to move out separately. Now this so far has been my favourite place. It was 10 minutes to work, everyone had their own space and we lived, I think, pretty well harmoniously together. But nothing good lasts so now...!\

8. *** Kings Rd, New Lambton, NSW

From Queens Rd to Kings Rd! We found a gorgeous house right near a train station that I am currently in and pretty happy with. For the first time I have ceiling fans again plus air con and FOUR bedrooms that I barely know what to do with. Currently I’m sitting in my study surrounded by all my books with the fan on typing this out and it feels good to have my own space for a change and actually have trouble furnishing a house as opposed to making concessions about what I keep and what I can’t. I’ve planted a veggie garden, I have my kitchen the way I want, and the house has been renovated, re-carpeted, painted and made livable for a modern couple. We have spare space for guests (or a spare room for me when I don’t want to wake up Matt when I go to bed at 3am, but that’s the sleep pattern of a shift worker) and overall I feel good about it. Finally. I’ve been looking for a good home to just COME HOME to for ages and for a long time I haven’t really felt that. My last home was lovely, but honestly 3 tiers of gardens to maintain and roommates (though they remain dear friends) are just not what I want to deal with anymore. Actually not even that, I’d be fine with roommates, but it’s just nice to feel like I have MY house and it’s mine to come home to.

Anyway, apologies for this long post, and I know barely anyone will read it, but I started this blog TEN years ago so and I don’t have a print journal to write all of this stuff in, so I might as well talk here. HOUSES! If they’re not haunted, then where’s the drama we so desperately crave?