#also front door is already available on my google drive folder (;

[syninplays]

Redid Champ Les Sims' Castle 👉👈

[jaimistoryteller]

Are you doing ok?

Honestly not really. 

This is under a cut for those who want to avoid it and cause it got a bit long:

1. According to the judge I went before for my disability hearing, I’m “disabled but not enough”

That same judge gave more value to people who have never met me opinion about whether I have a disability or not, rather than the many doctors and other medical professionals that said there is a problem. 

No never mind there are days I can’t stand, I can’t walk, days where the pain is so horrible that all I can do is take pain medication and sleep. There are days my depression is so bad that I can’t force myself past my front door because I know leaving the house opens me up to things going so much worse, or me making the wrong choice. 

2. I am car-less. Technically I have a car, it’s dead. Why? Because when I said there was a problem the men in my life, including my step-dad and mechanic said I didn’t know what I was talking about. Why not find another mechanic? Cause I had a warranty on the part through that one. I’m moderately certain that the only reason the mechanic thought I didn’t know what I was talking about is my step-dad convinced him I was exaggerating. Until it was proven I wasn’t. At which time the warranty was already expired and my engine fried out. So now I have no car. I 

It means I have to bike to do stuff. “But that’s so good for you!” sure it is, is the pain that comes with every press of the pedals good for me to? Is the inability to walk across my house the next morning because my ankle hurts so much it feels like someone is driving a searing hot rod through my ankle and leg also good for me? 

I like biking, I miss doing it for the fun of it, but I don’t think causing myself non-stop pain that last for hours, sometimes days, worth the very brief moments of pleasure I get from being on my bike. 

3. I get tired of bill collectors. I have no way to pay those old bills, but as they are non-essential I end up ignoring them. I live on commissions and ghost writing, which isn’t a lot of money, but it’s all I got available. I also take donations, but hate asking for them except in the times where things have gone horridly wrong. Like having my heat turned off because I am short on the bill in the middle of winter when it’s below zero outside. 

I have a page for commissions, donations, and my etsy

4. I am an introvert. I also deal with depression. I do not deal with clinical anxiety, so a lot of folks act like my depression isn’t a big deal. It still is a problem. My depression varies between a low hum (soft voice in the back of my head saying I’m worthless) to an ear piecing screech (literally by left ear buzzes like I am next to a ballast, and everything I do is worthless, that I am a complete failure who is a waste of space) with so many shades of gray in between. 

The depression and introvert aspects don’t mix well together. Particularly when I try speaking with people or putting myself out there and it just doesn’t do any good. I’m forgettable, or that’s the impression I get a lot based on interactions with others. No amount of reminding myself that 

5. I get folks who demand I update my stories or write things the way they want. News flash: being demandy and assholian isn’t going to get you anywhere. You want me to write or draw something in a style you like, or with the plot you want Commission it. Otherwise, you don’t get a say to what I write and how I write it. 

When I sign up for some event writing/arting project I will follow the guidelines but that still doesn’t give anyone the right to be an ass or demand something that fits their exact vision. 

Yo want to see updates on stories? Leave me a review, hell, leave me a :) it shows that someone read it and liked it, that I am not just dropping things into the void. After all, if I am just dropping it into the void, I might as well just leave it in my google drive folder. I know part of that is my depression making it seem worse, but that doesn’t stop it from racing through my mind.

6. I get tired of all the BS surrounding US politics. 

“Immigrants are violent”

“refuges are violent”

“Muslims are violent”

“Oh there isn’t systematic racism”

“All those unarmed shootings are unrelated, there isn’t a problem”

“It’s disrespectful the way those people are TakeAKnee during the anthem” 

“Transgender people shouldn’t be soldiers”

“Transgender people are going through a phase, mentally ill, just doing it for attention”

“Black Lives Matter is a gang, it should be All Lives Matter“

“Abortion is evil, but we can’t provide detailed sex ed or birth control, that’s evil too“

“White supremacists aren’t a problem, they just have a different view, if those other people weren’t confronting them they wouldn’t be violent“

“It’s (fill in the blank) fault that things are going wrong!“

“This is a Christian country, those other religions are bad, wrong, mistaken, violent, or any other BS“ 

The United States Constitution only applies when the white folks want it to, the rest of the time “those people shouldn’t act like that”

“Gun control means taking all my guns! I can’t let that happen.”

I could keep going but I’m pretty sure my point is made. Mention any of the above to most white folks, and they will feel that those points are all accurate. No never mind there is a lot of evidence otherwise. After all, if they admit there is a problem, that means it has to be dealt with, and gods forbid they do that.

I get so tired of people and their BS, particularly since 45 took office and things have gotten so much worse. I am so very frustrated. If I was the sort to feel shame, I’d be ashamed of the US. Of course, I don’t feel shame, never have, probably never will. 

Oh, lets not forget “she lost the election get over it” by people who are still pissy that the north won the civil war and carry around the “rebel flag”. I want to bitch slap folks like that. Stop being hypocrites you asshats. 

6. Toxic gender roles and the problems that come with:

Forcing people to suppress their emotions. Deny that they exist. 

Teach that men/male aligned folks are supposed to be aggressive, violent, pushy, dominant. That men/male aligned folks are supposed to always be right and refuse to admit when they are wrong. 

Teach that women/female aligned folks are supposed to be meek, submissive, prudish in public and sexually open to whatever a man wants in private. That they are suppose to always be the care givers. That their medical problems aren’t as important as a mans. 

Teach that transfolks are confused, mistaken, predators, ‘special snowflakes’, not worth listening to, freaks, have to conform exactly with a preset gender role that is different person to person or they are ‘invalid’. That non-binary people are a joke. 

Toxic gender roles makes the rape culture so much worse. It teaches men it’s their right to take whatever they want and damn the consequences. It teaches that the victims are to blame. It removes responsibility from the rapist. 

Toxic gender roles also leads to black and white thinking, the kind that leads to more problems than not. 

All of it pisses me off, and brews in the back of my mind rather regularly. Mostly because I see it all the time. I see it online, in town, when dealing with people. I see it in shows and hear it in music on the occasions I listen to live radio rather than my laptop. 

There are so many things that add up to piss me off, make my depression flare up, cause me physical pain, make my day to day life so damned hard that it becomes too much. So no, I’m not alright, I’m not okay, I live and exist but not much more past that.