#also everytime i hear fountain water sounds i have such desire to jump in

[nwarrior777]

sometimes i walk in local parks in new place i live with phone off and it really healing

doodles from one of such days

[elenamatisstuff]

Geetrick, like maybe a High School AU? Uh, them being awkward about feelings and shit.

okay, so... it’s not as awkward as i wish it’d be, and it’s pretty angsty. I tried so hard, i tried to finish something i didn’t know where i was going with and i haven’t read through it yet, i let my sister read it and tell me what she thought. She said i shouldn’t change anything, so i just didn’t change it. My sister informed me that somehwere “Kevin” is written with a small k, so... just ignore that, i can’t find it.

Calm Before The Storm 

Geetrick fic

Words:8036

Genre: a little angst, mentions of smut

Warning: almost  a panic attack, mentions of fears, homophobia, a slight bit of awkwardness, highschoolers being dumb.

////

The silence was rushing through Gerard's ears like water. It was so loud and tense. He hated this. Only the sounds of pencil scraping itself off on paper broke through the ticking silence. He hated this sound, he liked the sound of pens better. But Gerard wasn't the on deciding, then he wasn't the one writing. He was just sitting and waiting for this damn clock to break down and let him alone. He looked around the room and tried to distract himself while the pencil was still painting the paper into this ugly, silver colour, trying to find anything he hasn't seen yet. Pictures, lots and lots of vinyls, a bunch of records, a guitar, drum sticks, school stuff, tissues, posters... No, still the same fucking room he sat in almost everyday after school.

The pencil came to a stop and a hard slam against the desk and a deep sigh told Gerard that Patrick finally finished his homework. "Done!" He exclaimed, jumping out of his office chair and letting himself drop into his bed, right in front of Gerard, to face him. The blonde smiled. "I'm sorry you had to wait. I fell asleep in class again, so i had to write 'i will never sleep in class again' a hundred times." Patrick rolled his eyes and added:"As if that would change anything," Before he interacted his fingers with his own and leaned forward. "So? Tell me, how was that date with.. Susan? Sandra?" "Sarah." Gerard corrected. Patrick's smile now looked forced. "Yes, Sarah... How was it?" Gerard sighed and leaned back against the headboard of Patrick's bed. "She doesn't like anything i do. No comics, she's not into the same music and she absolutely hates every movie i like. She thinks the end of Rocky Horror doesn't make sense.. she just didn't understand what a piece of art was created! God! I will never go out with her again.. i don't even think i will talk to her anytime soon again. Fuck that, i'm deleting her number, too!"

Patrick nodded, as if he understood what Gerard meant. He had to admit, that he didn't understand the ending of Rocky Horror either, no matter how often Gerard would explain that that's the point of it. He was glad the date didn't go that well. He didn't like Sarah and having her all cuddled up against Gerard everytime he wanted to spend some time with his friend would be just annoying.

"She isn't my type anyways," Gerard added, sighing again and closing his eyes for a second. He didn't like talking about this stuff. Not with Patrick. "Who is your type?" Gerard didn't had the right answer to that question. He didn't have a name in mind, he couldn't tell Patrick, all his brian was screaming right now was:"You, You, You, You!"

"Come on, Gee! there must be a girl that almost fits your type!" Patrick didn't know why he kept asking. He didn't know why he acted as if he cared. He didn't care about any chick or Gerard's love life, mostly because it didn't include Patrick, but he still kept turning the knife in Gerard's gut. "Honestly,-" Gerard started, sitting up properly, before his posture sacked forward. "-I don't think i'm into any kind of girl at the time..." Gerard blushed. "I know," Patrick admitted, forcing himself away from Gerard. He didn't want to hug him and feel it in his chest, this burning desire of wanting to hold Gerard forever and kiss him and love him. He adjusted in his comfortable warm spot on the blanket and rand through his hair. "But you know why we're doing this." Gerard nodded. "Yeah.. i-i know..." Gerard's eyes fell to his hands, that nervously picked at the blanket he sat on.

Patrick felt his heart break when he saw Gerard's distant look in his eyes. He dared to lay his hand on the pretty boy's shoulder, trying to gesture his support and sorrow. Gerard's parents aren't really supportive of him being pansexual. They don't really like homosexuality, so Gerard tried his best to scrape that bit of straightness in him to just ignore every pretty dude and person he saw, to just look at girls. It was hard. Gerard hated it. Mostly, because he hated every girl that went to school with him.

"Hey, i heard Barbara has a thing for you," Patrick said, trying to smile a little, at least a little bit, just for Gee, what ended in a light flinching of Patrick's right lip corner. It didn't look nice at all, rather unhealthy and forced. He was glad Gerard was looking at his own hands. "Barbara is cute.." Gerard admitted. "I will ask her out."

With that, the topic "Finding a girlfriend for Gerard so he doesn't have to tell his parents that he's pan" was done. Patrick quickly changed topic. "So,.. did you hear something new about Pete?" Gerard looked up from his hands, directly into Patrick's blue eyes. Patrick felt as if Gerard was directly staring into his soul. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Patrick dropped his hand and pulled it close to his body, making sure to not touch Gerard in any way.

"Mikey told me he's in that clinic again." Gerard tried to remember the name, but he couldn't. It was some foreign sounding name, maybe polish or german. "He tried to... you know." "Yeah." Patrick quickly interrupted before Gerard was able to say it. "Fuck.." He added, not having thought Pete had tried again. Patrick ran his hand through his hair again. Gerard hoped he'd stop doing that, because he looked so damn pretty when he did that. Gerard hated the fact that Patrick was the prettiest boy on the entire school. It wasn't fair. It really wasn't fair.

"Yeah.. fuck."

The ticking seemed to grow louder and louder by any second that passed by. Everyone was still writing, pens, pencils, fountain pens- every fucking noise was driving Gerard insane. He wanted to get up and leave. He was done with his test, why the fuck did he have to stay in class? His foot couldn't stay still, making his leg jump and hit against his desk a couple of times before he tried to sooth his nervous leg with taking a couple of deep breaths through his nose.

This wasn't fucking possible. He hated this. How did the ticking of the clock get even louder? Why is he flinching everytime someone sneezes or coughs?Why is this lesson so fucking loud, even though no one dares to breathe?!

"Mr. Smith!" Gerard exclaimed, standing up and accidentally pushing his chair back, what hardly scratched along the floor and made an unpleasant sound. Most students looked up and wondered what the hell was going on. "I finished my test and i don't feel good. Can i please get some fresh air?" Mr. Smith looked at Gerard with a worried look when he saw how much paler he was than the usual. "Hand me your test and take a student with you that also finished his test." Another squeaking and scratching sound of a chair being pushed back made Gerard flinch. "I finished. Can i leave with Gerard?" The raven haired boy visibly relaxed when he recognized the voice. It was Patrick. Thank god, it was Patrick! Gerard rushed forward to slam the test on the teacher's desk, and then run out of the room.

The world seemed to collapse around him and his heartbeat was loud, like a giant drum being banged heavily right next to his ear. He knew everything was fine, as soon as Patrick wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tightly. The sob that then escaped Gerard's throat was one of relief. Just the presence of the blonde boy was enough to make Gerard's tension drop slowly and his body calm down. He didn't hear any annoying noises, just the faint beat of his heart and Patrick's breathing, that was rather shy and held back, as if he forgot how to breathe properly, and in fact, Patrick was struggling to breathe. Having Gerard so close tide his throat close with a strict rope and it squeezed every bit of oxygen out of Patrick's lungs. He felt as if he was wearing headphones in a quiet room with a couple of people in, trying to not breathe too heavy or loud, and not being able to hear it, and holding it in instead. Patrick had to admit, he often ran out of breath when he did that, mostly because of his asthma, but he just couldn't stop himself.

"It's okay," He then managed softly, inhaling Gerard's scent deeply, while he took a deep breath to calm down himself. Gerard's soft and quiet crying on Patrick's shoulder broke Patrick's heart, but still he was holding tightly onto his friend. "I'm here and i won't leave you. I promise." Gerard didn't believe Patrick, but he knew it was true. He didn't feel safe, but he knew he was.

"If the world gets too heavy put it on my back. I can take it for you, Gee. Y-you're not alone in this!" Patrick tried again to steady his breathing, but he really was too nervous to do so. He tightened his grip, holding onto Gerard desperately, as if he was trying to squeeze every bad thought and negative feeling out of Gerard. But it did not. It instead calmed Gerard down enough to shake in Patrick's arms. His crying was just a faint noise Patrick could only hear when he tried to, what he didn't do. Patrick closed his eyes, only for a moment and then, the moment was gone.

They suddenly broke apart. Gerard 's eyes and cheeks were red, just like his nose and lips. He looked like he'd been waiting for years to cry these feelings out. "You're so cheesy," Gerard finally said, voice broken from the crying. "W-what?" Patrick was confused, not really listening. Gerard was too damn pretty, even when he cried. Patrick felt like crying too, so god damn beautiful! "If the world gets too heavy put it on my back," Gerard quoted, having to smile slightly. Patrick mimicked his smile, and both of theirs grew wider until they laughed. "I'm sorry, i was trying to- y-you know what i meant with that." Gerard nodded and wiped his tears away, that were still not done from falling down the edge of his waterline. "I know.. it sounded nice, though. Thank you."

Patrick nodded gently. "Yeah, no problem.." It grew quiet again and Patrick tried his best to not get lost in those beautiful eyes he tried to avoid for weeks - if not months. Gerard put his first to his mouth and cleared his throat. "I think you can let go of me now." Patrick drew his eyebrows together and looked at Gerard rather confused, until he realized he still had his fingers digged in his friend's waist. He pulled his hands away as fast as he realised it and buried them back into his jeans pockets, where they formed tight fists.

"Wanna go.. back to class?" Patrick asked, blushing and looking at the floor, only barely gazing up to Gee. Gerard went pale. "I-i don't think i will survive it in there," He admitted. Patrick nodded harshly. "Of course, do- do you want to go for a walk and hang out with me? Get some fresh air?" Patrick's hands were kneading his thighs nervously through his pocket, trying his best to not stare at Gerard.

"Yeah.." Gerard took a deep breath before they both walked out of the building. keeping some distance, knowing that the slightest touch now would make them shudder. It was quiet. They had nothing to talk about. Patrick breathed in through parted lips, wanting to say something, but closing the again without having said one note. He needn't to ask how Gerard felt. Sure like shit after his almost-panic attack. Gerard was looking at the floor, counting his breaths, trying to keep them in a steady 3 second rhythm. Patrick felt his heart race. He wasn't sure what he was doing. Maybe it was okay that no one pointed out the uncomfortable silence, maybe it made it a little more invisible, but it only made it more obvious.

They sorted out a nice spot on the limited place of grass this school had outside and sat down. They both looked up to the clouded sky in disinterest. There wasn't much to see, except for a gray sky and birds flying by. It was rather cold and not really spring like. Gerard started to rip the grass out of the ground in small portions, with his pointer finger and thumb, before he ripped the grass apart in confetto-like portions he let fall to the ground again. Patrick hated this silence, while Gerard found it rather soothing. He wanted to talk to Gerard, he wanted to speak about silly things, he wanted to hear anything else than the screaming of flying or lost birds and the rush of leaves and branches slapping each other through the wind. It was so loud, but still so quiet. It drove Patrick insane

"Patrick?" Patrick flinched as soon as Gerard broke through the silence, trying to look at Gerard as fast as possible. "Yes?" Gerard kept ripping grass apart. "What if i fall in love with a guy? What if i have to explain my hickies? What if my parents want to meet Her but there is no HER! What if there's a HIM? What the fuck should i do?" Patrick looked back to the floor between his legs. Is he asking because there's a him? Patrick didn't like the thought of someone leaving hickies on Gerard. "Just say that it was a meaningless make out with a girl... invent names if you got to.." Patrick felt his chest tighten. Is there someone? "So..." Patrick began, scratching the back of his neck with hesitation. "Is there a him?" Gerard froze. Why would Patrick come to think that? What a silly thought! "N-No, there is no him..." Patrick nodded slowly. "Do you know someone you'd wish as your him?" Now it made Gerard nervous. "Why are we always talking about my love life? Why aren't we talking about yours for once? Is there a hot chick you'd love to do? Is there a cute girl with big ass and nice curves and whatnot?" Gerard spoke as if he wouldn't feel any attractions towards girls, what would be a lie. Gerard indeed felt enough for girls to sometimes question his pansexuality, but he didn't feel any attraction towards a girl at the time.

"No, there is no girl.." Patrick said, tense and stiff. He didn't like this. Gerard took a deep breath and wanted to apologize, but before he could lay his hand on Patrick's shoulder adn speak, he froze and decided to not touch Patrick. "I'm sorry, i didn't mean to-" "Of course not, it's okay." Gerard dropped his hand and looked back to the grass. His free hand continued to destroy the grass, while Patrick just sighed and ran through his hair. Maybe silence wasn't that bad.

Patrick let his hand fall and it landed directly onto Gerard's what made both freeze in, but only for half a second then they both pulled back quickly enough, a deep blush painting both of their cheeks. "I-I'm-" "F-forget it, it's nohing-" "I-i'm not gay, i-" "i-i know, d-don't worry-" They both saw each other's blushes but tried to ignore them. They both laughed nervously and looked back to whatever wasn't a cute boy.

The bell rang and without saying anything or exchanging a look, they both went back to their classes.

This was stupid. It was nothing, their hands just touched... and it let a lightning free in Patrick's veins, it freed a collection of emotions he thought he had locked away safely. He thought he had thrown the key away to that chamber he hid them in, but apparently, he hadn't thrown wide enough. Patrick noticed that it grew warm enough for the last bit of ice to melt on the lake. Patrick could even leave his winter jacket at home and put on something nicer, something that outlined his figure perfectly. He had lost some weight and he hoped Gerard would notice. It was such a stupid thing to point out, but Patrick was trying his best to seem attractive to Gerard, hoping Gerard would finally show some interest, but on the other hand hoped that Gerard quickly found a girlfriend so his parents would be proud. God, why the fuck did Patrick all of this? Why held he these feelings for a boy? Why couldn't it be a cheerleader? The chances would be the same, or at least he thought. The sun was slowly sinking down the horizon, not only inking the sky in a beautiful shade of warm orange and yellow, but also the icy lake in front of him. The city started to wake up and lights got turned on. It still wasn't nearly as beautiful as Gerard. Patrick exhaled out of his nose in amusement and dropped his face in his hands. Oh god, he couldn't believe his trail of thoughts. He was talking about a boy! Something Patrick had thought wasn't possible for him. But here he was, just hoping to be held by Gerard's strong arms and being kissed by those beautiful lips he dreamed about since middle school.

Patrick knew he had to go home. It wasn't as late as he hoped it'd be, but it was pretty late and he didn't want to miss dinner. His mom made pumpkin squared he just loved so, so much! He could never miss those! He stumbled across the streets of chicago rather lazily, not really wanting to get home, but also not able to wait any longer. Patrick waited for his bus, counting the gums that stuck on the pavement and guessing how old they are. When his bus arrived, he almost didn't want to step in. He wanted to be with Gerard right now, but he also knew he couldn't. Patrick took a seat on the very front, trying to avoid talking to anyone, but the bus was pretty empty anyways.

The streets grew darker and after half an hour and a bus later, Patrick was back home. As soon as he entered the house, he smelled the amazing scent of his mom's cooking, but his ears were filled with quite the opposite. "Should we tell him?" "No. Mom, no. It would kill the kid," "But he should know!" "Mom! No!" Patrick let his bag drop. "Mom? Kevin? I'm home!" Patrick threw his keys into the bowl that stood on a small table next to the door, before he stumbled his shoes off and hung his coat up. Kevin rushed to the front door. "hey, buddy! How was it? Is there still ice on the lake?" Patrick nodded shyly, hesitating to answer at all. "It was.. okay," He added to that. "What were you and mom talking about?" Kevin's smile froze in and something in his eyes changed. "N-nothing," He ran his hand through his hair that was a little lighter than Patrick's, and that clearly needed a fresh cut. Patrick had that habit too, he always did that when he was nervous. "Kevin," Patrick warned. "It's nothing, really. Uhm.. Are you hungry?" Patrick forced a smile on his lips, hoping to not seem to tired or pissed, or curious, before he nodded lightly.

Patrick took a seat on the dining table, his seat on the dining table and waited for his mom to put the food on the table, so he can eat a little and then stuff his mouth with pumpkin squares afterwards. He noticed that his mom was tense. She needed to say something Patrick would clearly not want to hear. "Are you doing alright? How is school?" Patrick's mom asked. Patrick shrugged and put another noodle in his mouth. "I think it's alright. Gerard didn't feel very good yesterday and we got to skip a lesson.  He comes over tomorrow, by the way. We wanted to play some video games." Patrick's mom nodded, looking at her plate, not eating much. Kevin was acting as if nothing was and kept eating like he normally would. Patrick felt sick to the stomach due the tension. When Patrick finished his plate, his mom was smiling again. "Pumpkin squares?" Patrick nodded harshly, finally smiling himself.

Gerard seemed distant in class and even when they sat in the bus, driving to Patrick's, he still seems sunken in thought. His hazel eyes shimmered in the warm light of spring coming up, but his face was as dark and cold as the deepest winter nights. Patrick was worried, but he tried to not show it. He hesitated to touch Gerard at all, since he looked so fragile and as if he didn't sleep. Patrick quickly excused himself by his mom as soon as he came home, telling her that he'd like to go upstairs with Gerard and play some video games. His mom just nodded, looking just as tired and distant as Gerard in the bus. Patrick wasn't sure what was going on but he was sure he was gonna find out soon.

They sat on Patrick's bed. The lights were dim and only the light of the television burned through the dark room. Gerard and Patrick sat close to each other to see the small monitor better. Their thighs touched but they ignored it and tried to not make it seem awkward, but it was. It felt weird. Something was off, Patrick noticed, then Gerard kept losing, even though he was way better at Mario Kart than Patrick. He didn't say anything, though. No one said anything. They kept their mouths shut and just played. Gerard didn't like how it aggressively smelled like Patrick in this room. Patrick didn't smell bad, that wasn't really the point, it was just that Gerard felt his chest tighten the more he thought about telling Patrick. "Can i open a window?" Gerard asked, trying to avoid Patrick's eyes. "Sure.. is something wrong?" Gerard got up and opened Patrick's window, before he let himself fall back into the bed. "I don't-" Gerard stopped, taking a deep breath and trying to unclench his muscles. "No- i mean, i'm fine." Patrick smiled widely. "Do you need a hug?" Gerard smiled back, having to chuckle. "No, i really don't!"

They both went quiet again. They both felt it in their chest, this pulling tension of wanting to be close, but not being able to. "Gee?" Gerard flinched. "Yes?" Patrick looked back to his hands. "Did you find a girlfriend yet?" Gerard couldn't hear it anymore. "Is this the only thing you want to know?" He spat, obviously irritated. Patrick quickly raised to his feet. "I didn't meant to offend you, i-" "No, you just want to find me a girlfriend so i stop whining about my parents, i got it." Patrick wasn't sure how to react. "No, no of course not!" He came closer to his friend, burying his hands deeply in his jeans pockets to not touch Gerard accidentally. Gerard didn't believe him, scoffed and turned away, he avoided Patrick. "Gee, come on.. You know it's not true. You know that i-i love you." Patrick's voice gave up and shook while he said that. He loved Gerard, damn how much he loved him, but not just as a friend and that stung deeply. It left a scar that has never been destined to heal.

"Gee,.." Gerard flinched again. He heard what Patrick said. "I.. i love you." Gerard looked back into Patrick's ocean blue eyes and swore he already heard the waves crashing themselves against the sand on the beach. "I-" Gerard interrupted himself and took a deep breath. He hated to hear this. He hated that Patrick loved him as a friend, he hated how he had to make that clear. "I love you, too." Gerard sighed, even though he meant it differently. Patrick knew Gerard wouldn't understand it, but he also wasn't sure if he wanted Gerard to understand.

Patrick slid closer to Gerard and laid his hand on top of Gerard's tight fist that began to relax. Gerard raised his head and saw how close Patrick was. He could see that tiny bit of yellow around his pupil, what made his eyes look so green, and the way his eyelashes curled upwards in the slightest, his messy, light brown to dark blonde hair that fell right above his eyelid- he saw the most beautiful thing he could have possibly seen on this planet. "You're so pretty, Gee," Patrick almost whispered. He wasn't sure what he was doing, he just knew that he somehow came even closer to Gerard and that their heads leaned closer and their lips brushed and-

"Hey, do you guys want some pumpkin squares?" Gerard and Patrick flinched away. Patrick quickly took his hand away and stood up, facing his mother now and putting on a fake smile. "Yeah- uhm, sure! Gee, you want some pumpkin squares?" Gerard stood up and put on his best smile for Mrs. Stumph. "Sure, why not?" She smiled widely. "Great! come downstairs, we have some left Patrick didn't get to eat yet," She explained. Patrick blushed and followed his mom when she turned around to leave. Gerard followed Patrick, having a great view of his ass while they walked.

The kitchen was warmer than Patrick's room. The chairs were comfortable to sit in and the warm light of the kitchen lamp made the colour of the light brown wooden table stick out even more. Patrick and Gerard kept looking at each other while they ate. Their eyes were focused on each other, their look ship-sunken deep. Gerard wasn't sure if he even blinked during their stare-session. And it sure was the longest they have looked into each other's eyes without laughing. There was nothing to laugh at. There was nothing to talk about. Nothing happened and they promised it with just a look of hesitation and terror.

"Do you like the pumpkin squares?" Gerard nodded slowly, their look still consistent. "They're delicious." Patrick nodded in response.

School was loud and annoying, band practice was exhausting and talking to Gerard- impossible. Patrick sat in Gee's bed, waiting for Gerard to end this hell of a drawing he decided to work on to avoid Patrick. It was obvious that he was ignoring Patrick, when Gerard also started to listen to music. With headphones. "I love you, i love you, i fucking love you, why the fuck is this so fucking complicated?" Patrick whispered, knowing Gerard couldn't hear it. Patrick rose to his feet, accepting that this made no sense. Nothing made sense anymore. Just because Patrick was a coward who couldn't even kiss the boy he liked for so long. Just because Patrick had to fall in love with a guy, that could never love him back. Patrick took Gerard's headphones off, gently removing them and placing them on Gee's shoulders, around his neck. "I'm leaving. I forgot my guitar at Pete's place," Patrick lied. Gerard's eyes seemed sad and slightly disappointed. "Are you coming back later?" Patrick wished he could, damn he wished he could come back and kiss this pretty lips he imagined feeling for so many nights. "N-no, i don't think i can.." Patrick almost felt bad for wanting to leave all of the sudden. "Are you leaving because i'm-" Gerard didn't want to say ignoring or avoiding, but that's what he was doing. "N-no, i-i just-" Patrick stopped in the middle of his excuse when he noticed, that Gerard wasn't buying it. "Why are you avoiding me? Why can't you just talk to me like we used to do? Why are you so distant?" Gerard looked to his lap. They both knew why, but Patrick wanted to hear it. He wanted to know how Gerard felt about the almost kiss. He wanted to know if he had a chance with Gee. He needed to know.

Gerard raised to his feet, looking at the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in this room. He blindly took Patrick's hand and pulled him back to the bed, where Gerard took place next to Patrick. Their hips touched. Gerard felt his heart beat in his throat, it was hard to swallow and he felt like choking on his words that kept him wide eyed under starless skies. He was caught in a thought that kept him hopeless, that made him crazy, that made him sick. "Yesterday.." Gerard began, his voice shaking harder than his hands that were tightly holding onto the sheets of his bed. "...we- we almost... did something, we.." Patrick wanted to stop Gerard from talking but instead, he held his breath in and kept his body stiff in place. "fuck, we almost kissed!" Patrick flinched and closed his eyes, deeply breathing in through his nose. "Gee, we-" "No, shut up, i'm talking!" Patrick re-opened his eyes and looked confused. "What- what happened? i'm- you- What?" Gerard didn't know how he should ask if Patrick had feelings for him. It made Gerard crazy, but he just couldn't ask it. Those words laid on his tongue, are carved into his mouth but his voice can't function to say them out loud. Patrick didn't know what to say and Gerard didn't push it. Patrick leaned closer, actually just wanting Gerar to finally meet his eyes, and when he did, they both froze.

Patrick felt himself lean closer. The urge to touch Gerard was too big, he needed to just- just that one time! Patrick never felt this weightless. His body moved by it's own, causing their lips to meet for a split second that felt so endlessly perfect. They broke away quickly. It was a quick peck, a light lip-bump, but it felt like so much more. Gerard and Patrick were both shocked, but still too close. They were like magnets who wanted to pull each other closer, but they were turned on the wrong side and instead pushed each other away to keep the same distance. They were stiff in place, trying to fight the tension that kept them distant to reconnect their lips, this time for a little longer. It was Gerard who pulled back. Their noses still touched and their eyes were still closed. Patrick laid his hand on Gerard's thigh and slightly parted his lips when he leaned in for a kiss again. This felt weird, almost wrong. It was so unknown, even though they had both kissed endless times before. This was different. Their lips tingled with the desperation of feeling other lips again, their chests were tight with the want to feel another body being pressed against them. Their fingers were itching with the desire to touch each other. Patrick pressed his lips against Gerard's harder this time, cupping his face gently and trying to take as much in as possible- this feeling, his scent, his lips... Gerard Laid both of his hands on the back of Patrick's neck, pulling him closer, but also supporting himself, while he hesitated to straddle Patrick.

In this moment, they knew they went too far and should stop, but they were lost in the feeling of pressed lips and chests and each other's near and warmth. They didn't know what they were doing, what it meant or why they kept going, but it felt so right. Patrick's hands shook when they formed on Gerard's waist, trying to pull him even closer and kiss his lips even harder, trying to melt together with his friend's body and become one. Trying to feel his heart beat in sync with Gerard's, trying to breathe him in and call him his. Trying to feel Gerard curl up against his chest to please his heart that grew more and more desperate for contact. Gerard wished to feel Patrick's lips forever, hoping to never have to detach them ever again. Gerard was drowning in the feeling of Patrick between his legs, pulling his even closer and holding his waist so firmly. They both didn't want to let go but they were still magnets and they just turned back to the same side.

Their lips didn't crash like waves anymore, they didn't fall together like the overlapping waves of stormy seas. They fell apart like a wave dying on dry sand. They moved away like a sinking ship being ripped in two and sinking away from its other half. It hurt to let Gerard back, worrying about this all alone on his bed, but Patrick left anyways, without having said one word. Gerard didn't even try to hold him back. He just started to understand. He understood now. It was crazy, it was awful, it hurt. But he understood. Now he knew why storms were named after people. And just before the storm started, it ended in a loud door that fell into its locker and everything went silent, everything was calm.

Suddenly, Gerard felt this relief of finally being alone, finally thinking about what just happened. Why would Patrick do that? Was he trying to make fun of Gerard? Gerard didn't find the strength to ask more questions as those were already his answers. He laid back and let the silence crush him.

When Patrick stumbled down the stairs of his mom's house, he felt the scent of breakfast tingle in his sleepy senses. He took a seat next to his brother and kinda felt like today was gonna be different. He wasn't thinking about Gerard when he felt like that. Today was gonna be different. Today was gonna be a good day. Patrick grabbed an apple and ate that instead of the egg and bacon his mom made. Today, Patrick will go up to Gerard and not act as if nothing happened between them. He won't hide any longer. This sudden burst of confidence surprised Patrick. He wasn't sure where this was going, but he will use it to talk to Gerard!

Patrick didn't saw Gerard in the bus which was weird. He was also missing at school. Patrick's confidence vanished, disappeared, evaporated. Patrick shouldn't have kissed Gerard, he's missing only because of that, he- he ruined everything! He fucked up! Classes were even more boring without Gerard drawing next to Patrick. Patrick loved to watch him draw. He loved to see all the gay couples Gerard drew, wishing he could have what he drew in real life. Patrick wished that ,too, for Gerard. Patrick sighed and let his head fall to the desk. His heart was beating shyly, tight with the knowledge Gerard didn't go to school because Patrick was an asshole. He tried to ignore the voice in his veins that told him to get up and visit Gerard right now. He tried to fight the urge from running out of class and going over to Gee's. He tried to do the right thing and let him alone.

When Patrick let his backpack fall next to the front door in the corridor of his mom's house, he heard loud crying from the kitchen. It was his mom and knowing that broke his heart into a million pieces. He almost ran into the kitchen, ignoring that he already had sports today and that his body was hurting. "Mom?" Patrick froze when he saw his dad, his mom and his brother sitting by the kitchen table. They all looked crushed and as if they cried earlier. Well, besides Patrick's mom who was still crying.

The room was filled with a tension that held Patrick's lungs in a tight grib. "What.. what are you doing here?" Patrick asked confused. He enjoyed seeing his dad, but he wasn't expecting his visit. "I wanted to see you," He said, smiling gently at his son. Patrick's mom scoffed. "Don't lie to him! Tell him what you want to do!" she got louder. It made kevin and Patrick flinch. "Mom!" Kevin warned, his voice wrecked. "Tell him why you came!" She said as loud as her sentence before. Patrick wasn't understanding. Patrick's dad took a deep breath and looked at Patrick. "Patrick, your mom and i talked about this some time before and we-" He interrupted himself with taking another deep breath, correcting his mistake. "I think... that you should come to live with me." Patrick's eyes drew confusion and anger. "no.." Patrick first whispered. "You would go to a new school, where the kids don't make fun of you, where you get to know new friends, where you can maybe find a girlfriend-" "N-No, i'm not- Mom!" Patrick turned to his mother, asking for help she couldn't hand him. "I can't afford a lawyer, Patrick. I can't demand you to stay here. Also, your father just wants the best for you.. i'm sure it won't be that bad." Patrick didn't believe her fake smile, and the wrong hope in her voice, as if she was trying to tell Patrick that everything was going to be alright while stabbing him in the back.

Patrick knew he couldn't do anything against his dad's word. "I hate you... why do you want to take my life away? My friends, my school, my home, Gerard!" Patrick felt his eyes sting and he tried his best to not shed any tears. "You can visit Gerard-" "I don't want to visit him, dad! I want to be with him! I want to stay here and see him everyday! I want to sleep at his place when he gets a new video game, i want to go over to him to watch him draw and to take a nap with him! I don't want to replace him with some chick i don't care about!!" Patrick now wiped his sweater over his eyes to not show the tears that were about to fall over his cheeks. "I understand that you're upset about leaving and going to a new school, but you can't change it. You will come with me." Patrick's dad sounded so stern and angry all of the sudden. Patrick yelled a last "I hate you!" Before he ran out of the house, down the street, not knowing where he went, just hoping that he took the right way. He ran and ran and felt his muscles hurt, his lungs sting with the dry afternoon in the air and his sight blurr out from all the tears. He can't leave Gerard. He can't move away and leave him! Patrick felt as if he was drowning, as if he was in the middle of the ocean while it's storming and the huge waves and throwing him against the riffs, against stones, cliffs, as if he was completely under control of this sea of emotion that is abusing his mind. Patrick felt as if he woke up on the wrong side of reality. This was unreal, this is just a dream! he kept telling himself over and over again.

Patrick felt his knees go weak but he kept running, he kept running away from his parents, from his responsibilities, from admitting Gerard that he's in love with him, with admitting himself that he's not straight- everything came crashing down, all at once and Patrick didn't know how to stop it. He wanted this all to just stop, he wanted the world to stop turning, he wanted to stop his heart from beating! This was too much. Patrick fell to his knees and panted hardly. Sweat was running down his face, mixed with tears dropping off his jaw onto to hot pavement. He felt like fainting. His head was spinning, but he wasn't far from his destination. He was only a couple of blocks away, he just had to get up and keep running, but his legs were too weak. He pulled the collar of his shirt up to wipe his face with it before he adjusted to sit on the side of the pavement.

He watched the cars drive by, throwing rocks onto the streets while they were passing by, ignoring the swearing from drivers who had obviously no chill. Patrick wasn't sure what he was doing at this point. He should have taken the bus instead of running half a mile without a break. He got up and stood weak on his knees. he kept walking and wiping his face. He hated how hot it suddenly got. It was an unusual day for Chicago. It wasn't windy at all and there wasn't even a single cloud that could have guaranteed rain. The sky was just as blank as Patrick's mind. He was done, he wanted to give up, end this all- but first he had to talk to Gerard. The so well known oak wood of Gerard's front door seemed like home to Patrick. Man, how much he'd miss to go through this door. He raised his heavy arm and forced himself to knock, having to whimper quietly of the burn in his triceps. Gerard opened the door, giving Patrick a look of confusion. "What are you- did you run? Are you crying?" Gerard couldn't decide on what to ask first, growing more and more concerned about Patrick. "I-i have to move to my dad," Patrick said, voice stained with tears. Gerard didn't say anything. He just stood there, looking at Patrick with red eyes, hoping Patrick was kidding, hoping this wasn't true. "I don't want to go." Patrick's voice shook. He didn't want to cry, but he couldn't help it. Gerard swallowed hardly and pulled Patrick into a hug, ignoring that he was sweaty. "I-i don't want to leave you," Patrick sobbed into Gerard's shirt, what made the tears rise in Gerard's eyes and bury his head in Patrick's shoulder. He tried so god damn hard, but he couldn't hold his sobbs back.

Patrick's dad would pick Patrick up in two weeks, what gave Gerard and Patrick only two more weeks of seeing each other daily. They didn't know what to do, how to spend time together in a way it was worth it. Their parents allowed them to have sleepovers even though they had to go to school. Patrick often laid awake, wishing to cuddle with Gerard, wishing to have him lay in his arms. He had to fight the urge to explore the dark to sneak onto Gerard's side. He wanted to sleep next to the person he loved, but a good two feet separated them from each other.

Gerard wasn't sure if he was gonna survive the time without Patrick. Patrick was the only one at school who didn't ignore Gerard. Who didn't act as if Geard was invisible. Patrick was the reason Gerard stopped stealing his dad's alcohol. How much he wished to feel Patrick's warmth again. His lips, sweeter than his scent of honey and strawberries, the feeling of the, holding on so tightly, onto Gerard, not wanting to ever let him go... This was kept unspoken. Gerard didn't know why he told himself that this kiss meant something to Patrick. It was a mistake. It wasn't supposed to happen. How much he wished to explore the dark to feel the warmth of Patrick's body...

One night, their last night, they both couldn't sleep. They knew what was coming. They knew this would change them forever. Their lips colliding like cars, with a strength, with passion and desire, that it made the darkness fade. It stood unspoken in the room, not knowing what it meant for them. Their teeth met, what made them blush, but they ignored it and kept kissing. Patrick was trying his best to not think about the next morning, he just wanted to focus on Gerard's lips, those perfectly, warm lips, that felt so rough and scratchy, but just in the right way. Patrick loved the feeling of Gerard pushing himself closer, wanting to have more.

Gerard's hand cupped Patrick's jaw, before it gently fell to Patrick's thigh. Patrick shivered, feeling his muscles unclench as he let the touch happen. Patrick was being rocked into some sort of trance, lost in Gerard's kisses, lost in the taste of his tongue and little sighs. Gerard's hand cupped Patrick's crotch, gently pressing down onto it. Patrick flinched and groaned surprised. He pulled back from the kiss, holding Gerard's waist a little tighter to make sure he would stay there. He couldn't see Gerard, even though he wished he could. "Gee, what are you doing?" The warm palm of Gerard's hand pressed back against Patrick's dick, before he straddled Patrick. "I will miss you, Trick," He whispered hotly, as softly as the wind whispers sweet thoughts. "I want to show you how much i'd miss you." Gerard's hands tightened in the collar of Patrick's purple Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shirt, and pulled Patrick forward into another kiss.

It drove Patrick crazy, the way Gerard's hips moved, the warmth of his body and the feeling of having him. They were just two 16 year old boys, desperate for each other's lips, desperate for their best friend they wished was more. The breaths they shared, the kisses that stained their skin like bruises, and the nails they digged into soft thighs and arched backs, all that would get forgotten the moment they stopped. The mess on Gerard's sheets, the scent of Patrick they held, all that would get denied and ignored. They were holding onto each other so tightly, afraid if they'd let go, they'd fade and disappear in the hot and dark room. Gerard wanted this moment to last forever, wanted to smell Patrick's scent forever while he felt Patrick's arms being wrapped so tightly around him. Patrick was drifting off into sleep, but Gerard couldn't sleep. He kept his head pressed against Patrick's chest while he drew circles with his middle finger on Patrick's bare hip. He wanted this to last, he wanted to fall asleep like that every night. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply, breathing in the scent of their combined bodies and their used sheets. "I love you, Patrick," He whispered. Gerard doesn't think he'd miss Patrick more than obvious, mostly because he can't miss something he never had.

Patrick hated school, hated living with his dad and hated having to act as if Gerard isn't the only reason he wanted to stay with his mom and his brother. After school, Patrick always ran upstairs into his room and locked the door. His dad always thought he did that because of his teenager boy needs of staying alone, but that wasn't the reason at all. He always called Gerard and phoned with him until they fell asleep on the phone. "How was your day?" Patrick asked, happy to hear Gerard's voice again.

"Pretty okay, i got my chemistry test back and.. well, i got an B+, probably my best grade this year." Patrick smiled widely. "Hey, that's great! We should celebrate that next weekend when i come to visit you." Gerard now chuckled. "I can steal my dad's cheap champagne?" There was nothing Patrick loved more than drinking cheap champagne with Gerard. "Sounds awesome." There was a pause. Patrick wasn't sure if Gerard went and already got the champagne, or if Gerard was thinking about something. "Patrick?" "Yes?" "I'm dating Rebecca now." Patrick forced himself to smile, while tears filled his vision. "I'm glad you found someone." Gerard sighed what made Patrick shiver. "I don't love her." Patrick sniffled and wiped his tears away. "i know."

Patrick let himself fall onto his bed gently, closing his eyes and trying to focus on the silence in Wilmette he could hear through the phone. "I love you," Gerard admitted, what made Patrick smile again and sigh. "Yeah, i love you, too.." This time, they knew it. They knew it wasn't a 'I love you' between friends.

They finally understood and just as they thought the storm was at its loudest, it calmed down and the waters were silent.