#also everything else aside I am starting to leave “lesbian” behind but you can pry “gay” out of my cold dead hands

[prince-liest]

previously was comfortable combining the lesbian thing and the aroace thing but am now starting to wonder if in fact it is just the aroace thing, seeing as the lesbian thing was largely a realization defined by Not Liking Men and now I'm exploring the concept of Not Liking Anybody At All

it's kinda interesting bc I went through a whole phase of reading only sapphic books in 2017-2018ish when I had the lesbian realization and now I'm actually actively put off by them because it makes me weirdly dysphoric. kind of the way that I used to feel dysphoric when reading m/f!

wow, in the end it always comes back to the yaoi, doesn't it. unu

interestingly enough a lot of parallels between the lesbian realization and the aroace realization specifically because they both circled around the revelation that I'm quite good at gaslighting myself into thinking I desire the things that I am "supposed" to desire a la compulsory heterosexuality except also just compulsory allosexuality.

whenever I previously contemplated about what I would want in an ideal partner, it was always like. a running list of all the ways they'd have to not disrupt my life so as to be minimally tolerable, inevitably culminating in "a mail order android would be ideal, to be very genuinely honest" and now I can happily remember that I don't have to like ANYBODY.

I really love people! but, like. [Astarion voice] don't... touch me.

/jazz hands