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theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin · 4 years ago

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ohh i saw your answer about the sequels of star wars. id love to read you tear through the whole trilogy

Well, I’ve avoided this ask long enough. Part of the reason is this is really a huge topic, far too much for one ask, so I’m going to have to do this at a very high level.

In short, the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy is what one gets when you slap together the goal of selling merchandise and making tons of money, being as risk averse as humanly possible, adding a handful of warring directors with incredibly different visions, and having virtually no imagination when it comes to the imagining and writing of characters.

And we get this beautiful, awful, franchise that for reasons beyond me people seem to actually like (though interestingly, no one seems to like all of it, they may actually like one or two of the films, but no one says all three are actually in any realm of good).

With that, let’s begin.

The Force Awakens

For me this is easily the most tolerable of the sequel trilogy: it’s not great, it’s not terrible. It’s thoroughly watchable, you can be taken along for the movie’s journey and not raise your eyebrows too much at the action and leave the theater feeling this maybe wasn’t a complete waste of your time.

There’s a good reason for that. That reason is called the most blatant form of plagiarism I have ever seen in cinema in my life.

“The Force Awakens” is just “A New Hope” wearing a mustache. Only, it’s one of those cheap mustaches you get from a party store that, if you stare at it too long, just looks like the most false and awful thing you’ve ever seen. The mustache actively makes it worse. “The Force Awakens” is “A New Hope”, but worse.

Seriously, every major character, every major plot point, every major scene I can go directly back to “A New Hope”.

Our story begins when the Resistance, at great cost to our valiant heroes including torture at the hands of the Emperor’s second in command, sends a file out into the wilderness to be received by his people. This file contains plans for the Death Star.

The film then focuses on Luke, er Rey, getting involved in the Resistance, boarding the Death Star, and successfully destroying at the same time even at the lost of a beloved mentor that she just met (trading in Obi-Wan for Han Solo).

Our evil empire is run by an evil emperor who is so evil he sits in a chair, is served by very Moth Tarkin-esque human storm troopers, and has a second in command who revels in the Darth Vader get up (for no other reason that it makes him feel cool but we’ll get into this).

It’s “A New Hope”. Rey is Luke, Han Solo is Obi-Wan, Poe is a kind of Han Solo, Kylo Ren is Vader, Snoke is Palpatine, Hux is Tarkin, BB-8 is R2-D2, etc.

“But that’s not terrible,” you say, “I liked A New Hope?”

First, it is terrible, it gives a very bad sign of where the sequel trilogy is headed and is just lazy writing. It means that those who produced this franchise were so terrified of taking risks, of possibly ending up mocked as the prequels were, that they will deliver exactly what the original trilogy was. And what’s that? Uh, evil empires, scrappy desert kids, AND MORE DEATH STARS!

That brings us to point number two, the world of Star Wars after the events of the original trilogy shouldn’t support such things. And, if it does, my god what a bleak existence this place has turned into.

The First Order being able to rise easily from the Empire’s remains means that Luke accomplished nothing. Anakin sacrificed himself and had his moment of redemption for nothing. There was no happy ending to the Original Trilogy, our heroes failed miserably, and there is no indication that our new band of heroes can possibly succeed in their place. (More on this as the movies progress).

We now are in a galaxy where this new Republic is so pathetic that Leia doesn’t even give it the time of day and builds her own private army to battle the Empire. The First Order is able to not only rebuild a massive army by raiding villages on many different worlds and stealing children and do so successfully for at least ten years but is able to build a Death Star bigger than any we’ve ever seen before.

And the movie tries to convince us these are completely new problems, that Luke Skywalker is a hero (remember this is TFA, not TLJ yet), and that somehow these things just sprung up out of nowhere. BUT YEAH, RESISTANCE, WOO!

As for Rey, she’s like... a worse version of Luke. Her only motivation through the entire series is her trauma at being abandoned by her parents. That’s it, there’s nothing else to her, nothing else she ever wants or feels conflicted by. She struggles with the dark side because... the dark side? Genetics? Unclear? She’s absurdly, ridiculously, powerful in a way that’s acknowledged but never that acknowledged (we’ll get into this) and the movies just fail to sell me on her in any way.

Honestly, an easy fix for me would have just been making Rey a much younger character. I could believe a fourteen-year-old having stayed in the desert, scrounging for scraps, believing her parents are coming back every day now. As a twenty-something year old... It starts getting hard to believe she never left. (Also, this gets the benefit of getting rid of Reylo, which is always a plus for me).

As for Kylo Ren, I legitimately walked out of TFA thinking he was supposed to be comic relief. He’s what happens when someone desperately wants a likable, redeemable, villain and we get... Well, as a reminder his opening scene is one of genocide: he pillages and destroys a town with no regret and brutally tortures a man for information. We’re told he’s like this “because evil evil Snoke” and that may well be but throughout the film (and the series) it becomes clear that Kylo Ren’s main motivation is he deseprately wants to be cool. He wants to be a badass like Vader, he dresses in Vader cosplay (either ignoring or not knowing that Vader only dressed like that because his body was completely destroyed), he has these huge temper tantrums and nobody respects him because he’s a toddler in a Vader suit.

He murders his own father, his parents who (at least in the films themselves) show every willingness to take him back and forgive him what he’s done, so that he can fully embrace his own “evilness”. In other words, he commits patricide to feel cool about himself, then it doesn’t work.

And the movie series really banks on me feeling conflicted about Kylo Ren or at least wanting him to be redeemed. Granted, the wider internet seems to love him, I just can’t.

Oh, before I forget, the other thing I love about Kylo Ren is that the movies insist he’s a) strong in the Force b) is equal to Rey. Rey consistently beats the shit out of him with 0 training. Kylo Ren has been training in the Force for years. Guys, they are not a Dyad, Rey is far far far stronger than he is and for whatever reason the films never want to admit it. Because I guess we like things coming in pairs now.

But yes, “The Force Awakens”, at a distance not great nor terrible, but a rip off of a movie we’ve already seen that left me going “Welp, the next one’s probably The Empire Strikes Back then I guess we’re getting Ewoks”. I was sort of right on that and sort of wrong.

The Last Jedi

So, JJ Abrams clearly had a vision of where he wanted this sequel trilogy to go. He set up these big questions such as what’s up with Finn, who are Rey’s parents and why was she left on this nowhere planet, will Kylo Ren be redeemed and how, who is Snoke, etc.

Now, I’m not saying these aren’t stupid questions. To be frank, they kind of are. Finn being Force Sensitive was the most inconsequential thing I’ve ever heard of, Rey’s parents should not have been used to drive the plot the way it was, as spoken above I’m clearly team gut Kylo Ren, and that Snoke was actually just Palpatine being the world’s largest cockroach is a beautiful but hilarious answer.

That said, what Johnson did was he decided, “You know what, I’m going to take every trope of Star Wars and completely flip it on its head and absolutely doom the sequel to this movie.”

And by god, he did.

We get a weirdly pointless movie in which Poe, SINGLEHANDEDLY, completely obliterates the Resistance. He first obliterates their bombers by failing to follow command, then goes and bitches about how he’s not put in command when he clearly shows no ability to understand how a military works, actively subverts orders which in turn obliterates the entire Resistance fleet until the only survivors can fit on the Millenium Falcon. They have no ships, no weapons, barely any people, and are ultimately doomed doomed doomed.

We have Finn’s weird subplot with a suddenly introduced character Rose in which the pair aid in Poe’s blowing up the resistance (they send sensitive information using the communication equipment of a guy they do not know, who fully admits to being shady and out for his own skin, and are flabergasted when he betrays them).

Rose herself is this weirdly sweet person who seems forced into the plot to a) provide a love triangle for Finn and Rey b) provide this forced sunny outlook that I didn’t really need in the film.

We get Rey never really being trained, going into the Cave of Wonders for a few seconds, falling in love with Kylo Ren over weird Force Skype calls (where I did not need to see him shirtless, thank you film) and being horrifically betrayed when Kylo Ren turns out not to be a great guy. Never saw that coming, Rey.

As for Kylo Ren, well... God, we get Emperor Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren, the Emperor. I’m not even that upset about the anticlimactic murder of Snoke (that was kind of funny, especially in the context of Palpatine going, “Bitch, please, you’re in my chair” immediately in the next film) but just Kylo Ren being emperor. And also that the Resistance only escapes at all because he’s so dumb he made their dumb plans seem smart (i.e. concentrates all his firepower on an illusion for ten minutes while Hux goes, “Emperor, sir, we could actually destroy the Resistance right now.”

Now, you’ll notice I didn’t complain about Luke. A lot of people are upset he became a grumpy, miserable, old hermit who sits around waiting for death. Frankly though, in this universe, that’s exactly where he is. He left “Return of the Jedi” thinking he’d saved the world, he’s resurrected the Jedi Order, and all is well. Only a decade later, his students are all murdered by his nephew, the Empire’s back, and he accomplished nothing. He’s an utter failure as a Jedi (though Luke never realizes he knew jack shit about the Jedi Order and was in way over his head but I guess that’s beyond him). Why shouldn’t he go sit on a rock and wait to die?

Now, did he have to drink that blue dinosaur milk? Well, I guess it was funny, gross but funny so... Sure, I guess he did. But I do like that he gave Rey 0 training, they had one meditation session and then he whined about how Obi-Wan was such a stupid asshole. And then Rey ran off to be with her boyfriend, who then told her that her parents were gutter trash (which again, was funny, but I don’t think that was supposed to be funny).

Of the characters introduced in the movie, the only one I really liked was the hacker, and it was for the actor/the beautiful way in which he gracefully exited stage left with zero shame going, “You all knew I was going to betray you!” You beautiful man, you.

Rise of the Skywalker

First, when something is called “Rise of the Skywalker” you know you’re in for a rough time.

But anyways, TLJ was filled with a controversy Disney didn’t want (half their audience hated it, half loved it, but at least they sold those penguin dolls) so they desperately get Abrams back. Only, what he clearly wanted from his series has been shot to hell, and now he’s left with Emperor Kylo Ren, a completely obliterated Resistance, a dead Luke, a love interest he never planned to introduce for Finn, Rey’s parental crisis being solved with trash people, Snoke just suddenly dead, Hux planning revenge, and then some.

And so, Abrams goes the brave and hilarious route of shouting “PRETEND THAT LAST MOVIE NEVER HAPPENED”

We open to a fully functioning Resistance (their bomber fleet is back, their fleet period is back, they have all their fully trained personnel). We have Rey getting the Jedi training she needed this time from Leia, who is now a Jedi, because yay feminism rammed down my throat to make the audience feel better. Rose says “It’s cool guys, I don’t want to join the adventure this film, I’m going to stay here and work on robots” so that she can gracefully exit the entire plot. Kylo Ren is demoted from Emperor in two seconds when we discover that a) Snoke was apparently Palpatine b) for unexplained reasons Palpatine’s alive (and I am now convinced that man will never die). Kylo Ren tells Rey at the first opportunity that he lied about her trash parents AND REALLY SHE’S A PALPATINE! THIS WHOLE TIME, REY! THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. I’M SUPER SERIAL THIS TIME, REY.

Basically, in the course of an overly long movie, Abrams desperately shoves in everything he was trying to get out of the series, while sobbing, and sobbing even harder when things like Finn being Force Sensitive or Lando having a secret daughter get caught. I actually agree with the Producers on this, by the way, the Finn trying to tell Rey something scenes were weird and indicative of a love triangle but him being Force Sensitive instead... It says a lot that the movies did not change when it was removed, at all. And Lando was just this strange cameo who was in the film to make us feel nostalgic.

And this isn’t even getting to the ridiculous 24 hour time limit (which made me think there should have been some video game style clock in the corner letting us know when Dawn of the Third Day is coming), Palpatine’s other secret army on a secret Sith planet that can be easily taken down by taking out one navigation tower, Rey’s hilarious struggle with the dark side in which she has a vision of herself in a cape hissing, Kylo Ren’s hilarious redemption in which the movie in the form of Leia and Han Solo says, “Alright, Ben, it’s time to stop being evil” and he says “okay”, the fight with Palpatine in which I’m supposed to believe he dies for reals because... I have no idea why I’m supposed to believe he’s dead. The Reylo, god the Reylo, and Kylo Ren’s tragic, hilarious, death.

And then, of course, the ending where Rey decides she’s a Skywalker now.

I actually did laugh all the way through “Rise of the Skywalker”, you can’t not, I mean it’s a hilariously awful movie. The only thing that might have made it more hilarious was if we actually did get those Ewoks.

TL;DR

They’re all bad movies, if you want more specifics than this, you’re just going to have to ask me questions.

#ask #anon #anti star wars sequels #anti rey #anti kylo ren #anti reylo #ah what beautiful awful movies #i look foward to the characters being shocked and appalled when yet another evil empire arises in five years #i look forward to them being even more shocked when palpatine's still not dead #that man will never die

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birdlord · 5 years ago

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Everything I Watched in 2019

Movies

The number in parentheses is year of release, asterisks denote a re-watch, and titles in bold are my favourite watches of the year.

01 The Death of Stalin (17) does a neat trick of building goodwill for Steve Buscemi’s Krushchev, then brutally pays that off in the last few minutes.

02 Sorry to Bother You (18)

03 Support the Girls (18)

04 Paddington (14)*

05 Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (16)

06 Eighth Grade (18) probably the most terrifying movie I watched all year, if you didn’t watch it through your fingers, who even are you?

07 Morvern Callar (02) much less bleak than the book, but then, nearly anything would be

08 The Favourite (18) revolting and beautiful.

09 Columbus (17) a really lovely movie about architecture and parent-child relationships.

10 Bring it On (00)*

11 The Land of Steady Habits (18) feels wackier than your average Holofcener, but still a good watch.

12 Spotlight (15) i was really bowled over by this, and wasn’t expecting to be. Workmanlike filmmaking, but an extraordinary story, well-told.

13 The Killing of a Sacred Deer (17) Barry Keoghan is a blank, but somehow compelling screen presence. This one has an ending that made me bark with laughter.

14 Legends of the Fall (94)

15 Moneyball (11)* if you don’t feel like watching anything in particular, you can always watch Moneyball

16 If Beale St Could Talk (18) very beautiful, but I failed to connect with it on any other level.

17 For Keeps (88)

18 Abducted in Plain Sight (17)

19 Oscar Shorts (Animated) (18) the offerings were very sappy this year, but the winner was decent! Lots of Toronto content (weird).

20 Oscar Shorts (Live Action) (18) *unquestionably* the worst one of these won ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

21 Velvet Buzzsaw (19)

22 Vice (18) ugh

23 Friends with Money (06)

24 Can You Ever Forgive Me (18)

25 Bohemian Rhapsody (18) haha what. was. that.

26 Mars Attacks (96)*

27 Paddington 2 (18)

28 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (92)*

29 Shoplifters (18)

30 Blindspotting (18) jacked Ethan Embry in a supporting role?! Whither? Howso? Wherefore?

31 Witness (85)

32 Harry & the Hendersons (87)*

33 The Matrix (99)*

34 T2 Trainspotting (17)

35 Blockers (18)

36 The Slums of Beverly Hills (98)

37 Can’t Hardly Wait (98)*

38 Avengers: Infinity War (18)

39 Iron Man II (10)

40 Isle of Dogs (18)

41 Chinatown (74)*

42 To Live & Die in LA (85)

43 Age of Innocence (93) Daniel Day-Lewis manages to make Newland Archer compelling, where in the novel he’s...the worst?!

44 Shopgirl (05)*

45 The House (17) didn’t sustain all the way through, but then, that’s how mainstream comedies often go.

46 The Beguiled (17)

47 Badlands (73)*

48 Poetic Justice (93)

49 The Empire Strikes Back (80)*

50 Calibre (18)

51 The Kindergarten Teacher (18)

52 Hounds of Love (17) a nice little Aussie thriller, set in the 80s

53 Kicking & Screaming (95)*

54 Octopussy (83)*

55 Jaws (79)*

56 Lover Come Back (61)

57 Frenzy (72)

58 Always Be My Maybe (19)

59 Certain Women (16) took a while to get to this one, but it’s as great as they say it is.

60 Baby Driver (17) all flash, little substance.

61 Sneakers (92)

62 Roadhouse (87)*

63 Bull Durham (88)*

64 Ghostbusters (84)*

65 Booksmart (19) I think this will improve on multiple viewings, though I loved the soundtrack and the mix of characters.

66 Hereditary (18)

67 Rebecca (40) George Sanders as Rebecca’s cousin is BRILLIANT

68 Vertigo (58)*

69 The Dead Don’t Die (19)

70 Crawl (19)

71 Dazed & Confused (93)* If you don’t watch this once a summer, what is wrong with you?

72 Jackie Brown (97)

73 Talk Radio (88)

74 The Guilty (18)

75 Killing Heydrich (17)

76 Lady Bird (17)*

77 Billy Elliot (00)*

78 White House Down (13)* Channing Potatum saves the White House!

79 The Film Worker (17)

80 Whitney (18)

81 Mascot (16)

82 Apocalypse Now (79)* technically I’d only seen the Redux version from the early 2000s, so the regular cut is new to me.

83 Apollo 13 (95)*

84 Psycho 2 (83) the twist is very guessable, but there are a couple of nice-looking scenes.

85 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (04)*

86 The Bodyguard (92)*

87 Murder Mystery (19)

88 Wildlife (18)

89 The Stepford Wives (75)*

90 Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (71)*

91 The Natural (84)

92 The Other Boleyn Girl (08)

93 Speed (94)*

94 Opera (87)

95 That’s my Boy (12) haha what?!

96 The Big Short (15)

97 Elizabeth the Golden Age (07)

98 The Glass Castle (17) when I read the book, I genuinely thought it was fiction, it’s so insane.

99 Dawn of the Dead (78)*

100 All About Eve (50) lady on lady violence is a special thing

101 La La Land (16)

102 Morning Glory (10) remember Rachel McAdams?

103 Casino (95)*

104 Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (06)

105 Pet Sematary (19)

106 Clue (85)*

107 Her Smell (18) amazing soundtrack and the songs were well-chosen. Heartbreaking musical moment in the final act.

108 Bobby Sands: 66 Days (16)

109 She’s Gotta Have it (86)

110 Good Morning (59)

111 Hustlers (19) I didn’t connect with this as much as the reviews led me to believe I might.

112 Nocturnal Animals (16)

113 Kill Bill Vol 1 (03) I’d only ever seen the second one before, being a non-Tarantino completionist.

114 Fried Green Tomatoes (91)* I watch this more than anticipated...

115 Steel Magnolias (89)

116 Notting Hill (99)*

117 A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (19) the tiny city models were inspired!

118 National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (89)*

119 Let It Snow (19)

120 Frozen (13)

121 The Irishman (19) most interesting as a sort of pastiche/reckoning on the part of Scorsese about his other gangster films. Really outmoded view of unions. Definitely could have been edited down if anyone were able to come to it without undue reverence, but I did love the bit about the fish.

122 Girls Trip (17) actual plot is beside the point.

123 About a Boy (02)* I always think of this as the “vomit and sweaters” movie, anyone else?

124 Animal House (78)*

DOCUMENTARY : FICTION - 4:120

THEATRE : HOME - 9:115

TV Series

01 Russian Doll - I think I would have enjoyed this more if it hadn’t been bingeable - would have made a nice week-by-week discussion sort of show. I loved to watch the changes between re-ups of our major characters, and I think the actual plotting would reward re-watches.

02 Catastrophe S4 - A satisfying ending to an excellent show, with very charismatic leads (and deeply weird supporting characters). Had to write around Carrie Fisher’s death, and I’m sure did a better job of it than Star Wars did.

03 Friends from College S2 - More of the same, which is what I was after. A show like cotton candy (but with more infidelity).

04 High Maintenance S3 - A lot more of this season took place outside of New York City, which was a great change of pace. And a great deal more information about The Guy and his own life; both difficulties and successes included.

05 Losers - This was a great little docuseries on Netflix that I didn’t hear a lot of people talking about - it’s about sports losses, but unusual sports ie curling, figure skating and the like. You’d think it would get repetitive, being as it’s always about recovering after loss, but it doesn’t! I wish they would make another season….

06 Shrill - a tight six episode dramedy about an alt-weekly journalist in the Pacific Northwest, based on Lindy West’s memoir of the same name. John Cameron Mitchell as her boss (based on Dan Savage) stands out of the ensemble cast, as does Annie’s roommate played by a British standup Lolly Adefope.

07 Broad City S5 - I haven’t always kept up with Broad City, but I came back to it for its final season, and thought it did a good job of setting its characters up for big changes in their lives.

08 I Think You Should Leave - It’s easy to assume that all sketch comedy is terrible and always will be, but then you see this, and throw your TV out the window (due to all the laffs)

09 Fleabag S2 - Everything you’ve heard is true, this season is goddamn hilarious and ridiculously sexy. A huge step up from the first season, which was already pretty fantastic and incisive.

10 Fosse/Verdon - Musicals are not particularly my bag, so I’m sure there was a lot that I missed in terms of references, but the lead performances ably carried me through all of the time jumps and various performances.

11 Stranger Things S3 - Say it after me: d-i-m-i-n-i-s-h-i-n-g r-e-t-u-r-n-s! Maya Hawke kills it, though.

12 Big Little Lies S2 - Unnecessary, and (if possible) even sillier than the first season.

13 Lorena - Part of the ongoing quest to rehabilitate the maligned women of the 1990s, this gave me tons of context that I had no idea about at the time, due to being a dumb kid.

14 Glow S3 - I felt like I was losing steam on this series this year, but episodes like the camping ep kept me coming back. A great ensemble, though some unusual character choices (like a certain kiss *cough*) took me out of it by times.

15 Lodge 49 S1-3 - I’d kept hearing about this show, so I finally sought it out. I can’t say it was amazingly compelling (I almost dropped it after the first season) but it’s definitely an oddball of a show, slipping from setpiece to setpiece with little regard for logic. For me, a background show.

16 Chernobyl - This show really gave me the Bad Feeling, humans were definitely A Mistake.

17 On Becoming a God in Central Florida - Kiki in a trashy mode, not as infinitely appealing as the version she pulled off in the second season of Fargo, but scrappy and industrious nonetheless.

18 Show Me a Hero - I’d put off watching this for years, it felt like it was going to be too dull (housing policy in Yonkers?) but it’s great, and larded up with Bruce Springsteen songs, obvs.

19 Great British Bake Off S9-S10 - I’d also held off on watching this for a long time, out of loyalty to Mel, Sue, and Mary Berry. But I needed some comfort viewing towards the end of the summer, and the new hosts and judge do an able job, although the show’s tropes are feeling a bit well-worn at this point.

20 Righteous Gemstones S1 - A rollicking ride for sure, with a great cast. Your mileage/patience with Danny McBride may vary, so keep that in mind, naturally.

21 This Way Up S1 - A small show starring the fabulous Aisling Bea, about mental health and families and some nice comic physical acting. Oh, and in case you were watching The Crown and crushing on Tobias Menzies’ version of Prince Phillip, he plays a hot dad love interest in this, which gives you all the Tobias you’re looking for, without the PP racisms.

22 The Crown S3 - This is the first season of the big cast switchover, and I thought it stuck reasonably well, once we were in it an episode or two. This season concentrated even less on Elizabeth herself, preferring her sister, husband, and (newly!) her children.

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keyofjetwolf · 6 years ago

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Elisabeth: Father and Son

Essen Alternate Title: “Sucks To Be Rudolf (Reprise)” Zuka Alternate Title: “WHERE’S DEATH WHAT’S DEATH DOING”

This one sits in a weird place as compared to the other songs. It’s kinda in the Takarazuka, but also kinda not. I actually, at first, though it was entirely left out. But no, it’s there, only pared down to what is functionally a conversation, not even set to music, and I’m pretty sure only included to give the barest of plot context.

As is the nature of the Takarazuka, it shuffles this in as quickly as possible to get back to Death Todd.

“HI I WAS GONE FOR NEARLY TWO MINUTES DID YOU MISS ME”

The heart of the Essen version of the song (it’s actually a song!) is the crumbling relationship between Franz Joseph and Rudolf, managing to also slip in Elisabeth-related issues on both parts, Rudolf’s desperation about the future, and Franz Joseph’s insurmountable frustration at the control he’s losing.

IT’S PRETTY PACKED

We’ll begin with the Takarazuka, as it’s fairly perfunctory. The full exchange is below:

Rudolf: Father, why won’t you understand? If things continue on this course, the Hapsburgs will fall. It’s time to abolish the old imperial rule and make a new commonwealth. The people don’t want anything more!

Franz Joseph: How long have you been wasting your time with such nonsense? I see the situation as simply a temporary inconvenience. I won’t be responsible for ending six centuries of Hapsburg rule.

Rudolf: Father!

Franz Joseph: You must think hard about the choices you’ve made.

Death is hovering in the background, Franz Joseph walks away, Rudolf collapses, we begin “The Shadows Grow Longer”.

There’s really not much here to even talk about. Rudolf is all “Power to the people!”, and while I absolutely back that idea, I can’t say I’m shocked that Franz Joseph is like “psssh what no way fuck that noise”. The dialogue hints that there’s more going on behind this scene (THERE IS), but the Takarazuka version doesn’t feel it’s important or interesting enough to share that with the class. Instead we just get the above exchange, which we can boil down to

Rudolf: Dissolve the monarchy!

Franz Joseph: No.

Rudolf: I GIVE UP EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY

Rudolf comes off like a twelve year old after reading his first social justice Tumblr post, and it’s not an especially flattering look, I have to say.

Essen Rudolf is a much more considered character, and so this scene is considerably weightier. This is our first time meeting the character as an adult, and so “Father and Son” is looking to show us who he is and what he’s about.

What he’s about is bringing down his own legacy. THERE ARE WORSE WAYS TO MEET A CHARACTER.

Rudolf first says they’re lies, then accuses Franz Joseph of having him spied on, and a moment to say how much that always makes me laugh. “You used spies against your own son HOW COULD YOU??” THE GUILT TRIP LOSES SOME PUNCH WHEN YOU’RE LITERALLY A POLITICAL DISSIDENT RUDY. He tries so hard to play this game of thrones and is so delightfully bad at it.

(Side note: it’s another way his claim that he’s just like his mother is hilariously untrue OH RUDOLF)

IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD HUGGED RUDOLF

This song brings in what I’ve taken to calling “Sophie’s March”, the music she’d sing to when she got on her kick about duty. Only now it’s a song taken up by Franz Joseph. The problem is that Franz Joseph is no Sophie, and Rudolf is no Franz Joseph. However poorly he plays the game, however misplaced is his devotion to his mother, by god, Rudolf will stand firm on it all.

Meanwhile, the mere mention of Elisabeth undoes Franz Joseph.

Literally, even his posture slips, going from straight and formal to this mess. Everything spirals out for him now, he’s on the defensive as Rudolf claims Elisabeth’s political opposition to FJojo is why she stays away. That’s not the case, and Franz Joseph says so, but Rudolf insists it is, lest we forget that he, too, is undone by Elisabeth.

I so love these touches to Rudolf’s character, the way that his mother is nothing but a paper doll for him. He doesn’t know her, he never had the opportunity, and so every detail about her is something he’s created or inferred or concluded. He’s modeled himself on what he’s told himself she was. And the saddest part about all that is how he’s a good person. Truly, Rudolf is the most insightful and well-intended character in the whole story. The Elisabeth he’s crafted is someone who tries to act for the greater good, and so that’s what Rudolf does as well. That that Elisabeth never actually existed doesn’t detract from his own efforts to also do the right thing; more, I think it speaks to Rudolf’s inherent goodness that it’s how he built her in his mind.

While Franz Joseph continues to get wound up about Elisabeth, Rudolf brings things back to the now and what matters. (He’s had his entire life to get used to shit with Elisabeth, after all.) That’s when he comes for his father with both barrels blazing.

Rudolf ties the Hapsburg name into all this, and I’m not sure if I think that’s reflective of how he feels or he’s just trying to appeal to his father, but I love it either way. Things cannot continue as they have, and the Hapsburgs can remove themselves or be removed. The use of “victimises us” is so strong and perfectly placed. Their empire collapse WILL happen, and clinging to it will only make them part of that inevitable collapse they were powerless to prevent. Rudolf’s argument that if THEY dissolve the monarchy, they’ll be able to make it a controlled change makes SO MUCH SENSE. But we’re hardly here for sense, are we.

At this, Franz Joseph snaps again. The only response he has to Rudolf is violence.

He raises his hand to strike his son, to try and smack him into silence. Rudolf doesn’t flinch though. He only goes harder.

Parallel to Elisabeth’s “Yes!” at her wedding, Rudolf’s “hate!” catches and echoes through time. These words are their binding contract to the lives they will live: Elisabeth’s willingness to cage herself, and Rudolf’s imprisonment in the only world he’ll know, past, present, and future.

Franz Joseph can only stand there, impotent, as Rudolf walks away.

The tone of the scenes in the two versions, even outside of their specifics, is INTENSELY different. Takarazuka Rudolf argues passionately to his father, but lacks the resolution to push forward. Essen Rudolf refuses to yield and walks out with his head head, rather than crumpled and broken on the stage. Essen Franz Joseph goes through a whirlwind of emotions and ends the scene far weaker than he began it. Takarazuka Franz Joseph is a solid wall, neither hearing nor learning anything.

Even the way the scene is staged gives us a very different experience. Ignoring Death right there in the center of the Takarazuka version, Rudolf and Franz Joseph are never closer than this:

Which is a great visual for how distant they are, but lacks the emotional pull of them mere inches apart and STILL unable to reach each other.

But again, for the Takarazuka version, this is all set up for the song right around the corner, and so for what it’s attempting to do, its choices make sense.

The Essen version, as it turns out, isn’t quite ready for that showstopper, though It has a little something else to talk about first.

WHICH WE’LL VISIT NEXT POST

#jet wolf watches elisabeth #but now: JEW LUNCH

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ccaleb-widogast · 6 years ago

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Please expound on the “one sided disasters” (other than the obvious Beau for Yasha) because that sounds juicy

(Anon is referring to me mentioning that the only ships I see happening in the Mighty Nein at the moment are some one-sided disasters and I am here to explain what that means to me.)

OKAY this is absolutely just a theory so far and I have to start with a brief analysis on how I see Jester where the series is right now.

Jester is probably on her way to getting over Fjord. And I don’t think Fjord is into Jester, and I haven’t thought that for a while. Not since the Mighty Nein left the Empire, actually. Fjord had done a great job showing that he has a lot of flaws to his character during his arc, and that is completely natural. But Jester has been fantasizing about him as this perfect being that she fancies herself in love with and wants a perfect happy ending with. She even talked about it with Caleb to an extent as she started realizing that Fjord isn’t perfect.

Jester is going through some really important character development, and I’m not forgetting that, but she’s still a fairly naive woman who was very sheltered before she left Nicodranas to travel into the Empire with Fjord and join the Mighty Nein. Essentially, the Mighty Nein are the extent of her life experience outside of The Lavish Chateau. What we have seen of her is that she is a romantic at heart and a woman that wants a storybook romance, or is at least attracted to the idea of one. Except, she doesn’t have very much real life experience with initiating or maintaining that kind of relationship.

Jester is definitely not a manic pixie dream girl, which apparently some people have tossed the accusation of around. She’s definitely not aiming to be the light and life of anyone specifically, especially one of the men in the group, even if she was specifically pursuing Fjord as a romantic interest. What Jester is, is a cleric of a chaotic trickster deity who has specifically manipulated her into believing that she must continue to act cheerful, unpredictable, and chaotic, or else she will lose his favor. With that attitude, she will always be happy bubbly Jester.

All the same, she’s struggling with what they’ve just gone through (the entire pirate situation, especially the fight with the dragon). She feels like Fjord is being selfish and everyone else is kind of banding together in solidarity behind that.

So moving on to my theory. I will briefly reiterate that Jester is still a romantic, but she’s feeling a little down and feels that maybe the books she’s read don’t all have it right. But she’ll just keep to her friends and they’ll stick to the roads and get back to the Empire and see what’s happened while they were away.

But Jester is a romantic and it’s hard not to love a little too much when you have a heart as big as hers.

Anyway you’ve seen this ship gaining a lot of ground in the fandom lately as a full ship. My theory is that Jester is absolutely going to go from crushing on Fjord to crushing on Caleb.

They already have a very sweet dynamic going on with their friendship. I don’t think it’s going to be ruined or anything! Laura and Liam are very good actors and they would resolve whatever tension developed out of this after some wonderful drama. But I think Jester might go a little too far in interpreting some of Caleb’s nice gestures, especially because he can be so awkward with his acts of kindness. It’s easy for them to be accidentally taken in a different context, and he’s not very good at explaining himself.

Additionally, Jester does like her tropes and romances, and she might fancy herself a girl that can help “fix Caleb’s heart” if she draws the wrong conclusion as to why he’s so sad when all that she knows about his past is that he had a lover named Astrid and that he is obviously no longer with her. This would, of course, cause some really awkward situations that might also prompt Caleb to dump his full backstory on Jester to explain why her plans would never succeed to begin with.

And on Caleb’s side! He’s older than her by a decent shot, but not too old, I know. It’s totally possible that in the long run, they could become a thing, and I’ve considered them here and there before. With some more recovery and growing, I think they could make a very good and stable couple. But it would be miles down the road and after a lot of development for them both. Right now? Within the next few weeks in-game and the next couple of episodes? It would be a disaster.

Caleb is in no place for a relationship with anyone right now. He’s too determined in his current quest to turn back the clock. Right now he’s as shady as Fjord is acting and even more subtle and manipulative about it to boot. He does love the Mighty Nein, and he especially loves Nott, but he would still prioritize his through action above them in a heartbeat. This spells disaster for any kind of healthy relationship. And Caleb doesn’t strike me as someone who would be actively or passively interested or searching for a romantic partner regardless, so an accidental “oh shit I’ve caught the feels” is unlikely, beyond how he already feels for Jester.

At least, until she develops a little bit more. She has some really good growing to do, and I think that later on she could actually have some really great potential with Caleb. But in the near future, I have a sense that it’s just going to be a messy (attempted) romantic disaster with the two of them that could end up hilarious for the audience and also make us cry a little.

Mostly because Liam and Laura are good at doing that to us.

#critical role #cr spoilers #jester lavorre #caleb widogast #fjord #the mighty nein #meta #critical role meta

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wazafam · 4 years ago

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The first episode of The Falcon And The Winter Soldier featured a great cameo by James 'Rhodey' Rhodes, better known as War Machine. Rhodey is an Air Force veteran and a close friend of Tony Stark in the MCU. In the original Marvel comics, he's been all that and more, even becoming Iron Man at one point in the 80s.

RELATED: The Falcon And The Winter Soldier: 10 Hilarious Memes About The Main Characters

However, this hasn't been the case for the MCU as the writers have delegated a bit away from the comics. Nevertheless, while the exact future of Iron Man is unclear at the moment, Rhodey still has a big part to play, with him playing a part in FATWS, and the upcoming Armor Wars and Ironheart series. His history in the comics might provide some context for where Rhodey is going.

10 Personal Pilot Of Tony Stark

James Rhodes makes his debut in Iron Man #118, back in 1979. He was co-created writer David Micheline and artist John Byrne. He's introduced as the personal pilot of Tony Stark, flying him in helicopters or planes wherever the executive needs to go.

It's later revealed the two met in Vietnam and Rhodes was instrumental in helping Stark escape from his prison there. The two become close friends, with Rhodes being one of the few people to call the powerful and wealthy Stark on his mistakes.

9 Becoming Iron Man

Rhodey truly came into prominence when Tony Stark had a relapse with his alcoholism. This occurred after his business suffered major losses during the Armor Wars, with the likes of Firepower and Stilt-Man using Tony's armor designs to their benefit.

With Stark stepping back from his Iron Man role to focus on his recovery, Rhodey took his place instead. He fought against Magma in his first battle and continued against major Iron Man villains like The Mandarin. His stint as Iron Man carried through the epic 1985 Marvel crossover Secret Wars that brought all the superheroes and villains together.

8 Forming The West Coast Avengers

While still Iron Man, Rhodey helped form the first major offshoot of the Avengers team, the West Coast Avengers. This team featured former Avengers Hawkeye, Mockingbird, The Vision, and The Scarlet Witch. During this time, Rhodey began to suffer side effects from the Iron Man armor.

The suit was designed to operate off of Tony Stark's brain waves, and Rhodey suffered severe headaches trying to make it work. It also began to affect his mental health, leading him to step down from the role of Iron Man.

7 Variable Threat Response Battle Suit

Rhodey wasn't out of action for long. He would fill in for Iron Man on a few occasions after, reluctantly. Things changed for the better when Stark designed a new Iron Man suit (the Variable Threat Response Battle Suit) to combat the growing threat of The Masters Of Silence. This heavily armored and armed suit became the War Machine.

RELATED: Mephisto & Every Other Marvel Comic Demon, Ranked By Power

After defeating The Masters Of Silence, Rhodey stayed in the armor as Stark designed it for him. He went on many adventures, (many of which could become storylines in the MCU,) and ultimately rejoined the West Coast Avengers.

6 Punisher War Machine

Rhodey isn't the only person to wear the War Machine armor. In the aftermath of the cataclysmic comics storyline Civil War II, Rhodey discovers that Frank Castle has been using his original set of armor to hunt down HYDRA agents, who had wronged him in another epic Marvel event - the controversial Secret Empire. Rhodey would get the armor back and Castle would turn himself in, bringing an end to the bloody rampage.

5 The Eidolon Warwear System

Like Iron Man, War Machine has utilized a variety of different versions of armor over the years. One of the most unique had an extraterrestrial origin. In the early 90s, War Machine bonded with an alien symbiote similar to Venom but not.

This alien was the Eidolon Warwear, a system of super-advanced armor designed by a mysterious race of aliens. The aliens intended the suit for a champion who would defend their world from Kang The Conqueror. The armor was ultimately destroyed and Rhodey went back to a conventional War Machine suit.

4 The Crew

In the early 2000s, Rhodey was part of a special superhero team known as The Crew. Led by Black Panther, and including Storm and Misty Knight, this team fought for peace and justice in New York City. The first series was written by Christopher Priest and illustrated by Joe Bennett.

The second series was written by Ta-Nehisi Coates with art by Butch Guice in 2017. This could serve as an inspiration for the upcoming World of Wakanda Disney+ series.

3 Iron Patriot

In Iron Man 3, Rhodey wears the Iron Patriot armor. This was inspired by the comics and the Iron Patriot suit that Rhodey designed himself. The Iron Patriot had a dark legacy, though, with the original concept being worn by Norman Osborn, (otherwise known as the Green Goblin).

RELATED: WandaVision: 5 Scarlet Witch's Comic Characteristics The MCU Got Right (& 5 Important Things They Ignored)

Rhodey briefly wore his suit in the Secret Avengers comic book series as well as the Iron Patriot series. The Iron Patriot also had many variant drones, which were utilized in battle against some Avengers enemies (like the Red Skull).

2 Killed By Thanos

While Rhodey played an integral part in the Civil War movie, the storyline in the comic book ended up taking a tragic turn. In the Civil War II comic book, he was killed by none other than Thanos after the Titan strikes him in a battle over the Cosmic Cube.

The tragedy is amplified by the fact that Project Pegasus, the precog initiative championed by Captain Marvel, anticipated the attack by the Mad Titan. Ultimately, it led to the death of one of the Avengers' own. However, Rhodey didn't remain dead for long and was soon resurrected by Tony Stark from the DNA sequencing Stark had once used on himself.

1 Romance With Carol Danvers

The tragedy of Rhodey's death in the comics was also compounded by the fact that he and Carol Danvers have been in a romantic relationship for years. The romance started in 2013 when Carol took up the mantle of Captain Marvel after having been Ms. Marvel for years.

The two Air Force veterans have been together off and on since, though just recently, they appear to be on the outs again. Carol turned to a very unexpected new suitor in Doctor Strange in the most recent issues of her comics.

NEXT: 10 Most Unlikely Friendships In The Fantastic Four Comics

FATWS: 10 Things Only Comics Fans Know About War Machine from https://ift.tt/31bWngt

#Blogger

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airlock · 7 years ago

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fiiiiiiiiiiine, I guess we’re doing this like normal people after all

so yeah, he’s not wrong, I guess. time for that conversation between Runan and Sasha! maybe I’ll actually have to regard that one in full, since it’s between two currently plot-central characters

or maybe not. hush, Eugen, talking is a free action!

anyways, this ultimately gives us control of Sasha and Kate, so I’m about to place Sasha in any place but safety. although, just for this first turn, I’ll keep her from being rushed while I’m setting up my formation.

like so! Kate was going to town on that cavalier, but there’s no sense in letting her finish him off when we can let him rush someone who needs the EXP more.

he does just that, in fact! thanks, mr rider

this game’s definitely easy on the eyes, both the spritework and the animations (which I can’t really catch for you all without going through greater ordeals than necessary); I guess that’s one perk of turning coat for Sony

plus, that old-timey battle sequence narration straight out of a full RPG is ever charming

meanwhile, a lance guy rushes Kate, and she doesn’t mess around. damn, leave some leftovers for the rest of us!

a crossbow guy also shoots her, but she dodges it

on my turn, I unsuccessfully attempt to feed Sasha, but most importantly, bait that dangerous armor boss on one of my more defensive units...

... just like so! damn, has this guy actually got an agenda? ...

... and so I manage to put my main character in critical danger within the first 10 turns of TRS, as he gets rushed by a spear and a crossbow, dodging none

meanwhile, the coward I was trying to feed Sasha runs away to heal. get back here, you bow coward! boward!

if I can’t turn you into a royal banquet, at least I can turn you into a bale of hay! bam, feed the horse, boward!

aaand with “bam, feed the horse, boward!”, I think we’ve reached our first sentence that would be completely illegible out of context

now then, I could be reasonable and hand this kill over to Kate, as the game obviously wants me to. or I can risk the life of my Lord character, at 3 HP, to use his equally effective damage dealing Rapier in a bid to gain a shitton of EXP that’s bound to be useful.

am I a gambling man? I shouldn’t be, knowing my luck, but boy howdy.

my gambling does not pay off, sadly; Runan fails to take the kill, and worse, he gets hit by the boss -- but he doesn’t die, because remember that Miracle Charm? I sure didn’t! thanks, that guy’s ex!

this is a complete waste of one of our resources, but if I didn’t remember it was there, was it really there?

Sasha still gets to gorge on one of the guys who rushed Runan, but sadly, it’s not to a levelup yet...

... and once again, I go “fiiiiiiiiiine” and play this game properly (nobody else within range can finish him, despite the low HP)

Kate levels for HP and weapon rank, which strikes me as... gently underwhelming, at least as far as immediate benefits go. she’s still better than everyone but Garo where bases are concerned, though

sadly, since Green Kid couldn’t kill the last bow guy, I have to not only use Garo but even let him take the kill, on pain of getting Runan actually killed this time. c’est la vie!

aaaand the day is ours. ending cutscene!

it’s... long, so, let’s keep to the highlights

Eugen: Lord Runan, I thought you recognized her! This is Princess Sasha of Wellt!

Runan: Princess Sasha?!

Runan was doing well despite how deep his foot was into his mouth, until Eugen pointed it out for him. I’ll have to learn a thing or two from him about gracefully being unaware of who the hell someone familiar is supposed to be -- would save me a lot of face in large family gatherings!

anyways, they’re childhood friends, she has blue hair and hails from a small islad kingdom, can Avril Lavigne make it any more obvious?

but moving ahead: politics!

long story short: Raphael died, the guy he named as a replacement got ill and died (or, as is likely the case, “got ill” and died), and somehow that’s where the chain of replacements end, enabling Codha to name himself chancellor and do whatever the hell he wants, ruining the entire kingdom. Sasha’s mother, the queen, was going to banish him and make Marlon chancellor, but something happened, and Runan cut Sasha off to talk about Marlon.

apparently Marlon has nearly been named successor, but hasn’t considered himself worthy of the honor. he also didn’t die in the war with Raphael because of his age-- so wait, is he going to be, like, super young?

anyways, Runan prepares to head off to Verje to meet Marlon, and the cutscene ends before he can get into his explanation of what he’s up to in Wellt

meanwhile, here’s Codha with Queen Liza as a hostage, although she’s having none of it; most of her bite consists of “when my husband gets home you’re fucked”, but she also get this spectacular moment:

Liza: Are you threatening me? Then spare yourself the trouble and kill me now. Your name shall be stained forever in history as a filthy traitor!

she’s having zero of that’s guy’s bullshit, really

which leaves him to go fume...

... only for this shady Leonard Nimoy to start filling his head with useful advice. hi there, next-generation Sandima!

ultimately, he concludes that Count Marlon is the last leg that the queen really has to stand on, so getting rid of him would solve her uncooperativeness; sounds like it’s time for the forces in play to conveniently converge and collide. ... constant consonant!

and now, for yet another scene...

so is THAT Marlon?

oh, hah, THAT’s Marlon. I just did not consider that he might’ve been too old for the draft, rather than too young. gj, me

they’re mostly concluding things we already know, although it seems that Holmes’s ship was flying the flag of Mousa, thus identifying it as Reevean. what’s a Mousa? I don’t think we’ve heard that term yet...

and then, this neophyte enters the scene! she implies that she thinks her brother has the hots for Sasha, but also calls him “dear brother”, which is not heading anywhere I’d like it to (I mean, first of all, who the hell actually says “dear brother” as opposed to “asshole”, even in the appopriate epoch). doesn’t help that he’s apparently overly protective of her, although he’s more critical of what he perceives as her not taking the knighthood seriously enough to protect herself. which briefly brings out the more realistic siblings, as they start arguing.

but then:

ooooh gods it’s “incest but technically not incest” kill me now

although this also looks like it’s turning into a hilariously long chain of unrequited loves. Esther loves Raffin who loves Sasha who loves Runan who- will probably turn out to love her back, ruining the gag. bah. Carlos que amava Dora que amava Lia que amava Léia que amava Paulo que amava Juca que amava Dora que amava-

we get back to the characters we’re controlling. so, what happened to dor- Runan’s father?

Runan: Yes. He was burned to death by the terror of Mousa. My father worked tried[sic] so hard to end the war with Canaan and the Empire... When there was finally hope of a treaty in Nolzeria, he was overjoyed and headed over at once. But the Empire had somehow resurrected back the Holy Dragon Mousa. My father was reduced to ash along with thousands of other innocent people by the dragon's breath...

we put dragon in his peace conference. AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! BUILD AN ARMY. TRUST NO ONE (seriously). NOT FIRE EMBLEM. PLAYSTATION.

apparently Gramud and Sasha were tight, which is kind of sad. he also totally shipped her with Runan, but figured that she’d be focused on inheriting the throne of Wellt, as the sole heir, instead of marrying off to a noble house. all that Sasha has to say to that was that she wasn’t planning on inheriting Wellt anyway, so he should’ve told her. Eugen nearly pops the question on Runan’s behalf, but...

“it’s WAY too early for ships to go canon in this shindig!” hell yeah, show them some order in the household and unecessary romantic tension, Runan

we now have control of Runan on the world map, which sounds like a good spot to wrap this up for the night. ‘til next time! don’t get sued, stay off the courthouse!

#airlock gets sued by IS

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word-katamari · 8 years ago

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matpat pls

I know, I know -- we’re all, to some extent, excited about For Honor, and with its release date so close, we’re all lapping up as many videos as we can and buying tickets aboard the hype train.

During my hype-routine, I stumbled across this video. As entertaining as it is, I can’t help but feel that it’s a treasure trove of misinformation, and that its central argument is inherently flawed.

Ordinarily, I’d let this go -- because, after all, it’s a video about Vikings vs Knights vs Samurai -- the premise is fucking batshit, and supposed to be merely a fun thought exercise, and hopefully, hilarious.

However, with the Game Theorist’s claim that they ‘treat old school yard debates with the seriousness of post-graduate dissertations’, one can’t help but feel that they intended to take the topic seriously, and present an informative and intellectual view to their general audience.

This does not seem to be the case.

While I’m sure Matpat and the Theorists had no ill-intentions with their poorly researched video, their points were presented confidently under scholarly pretenses; which, to me, is at best careless, and at worst, disingenuous.

Obviously, it wouldn’t be fair, nor constructive for me to simply leave it at that, so I will now correct and debunk this video.

Let it be known that while I do know a thing or two RE: this subject matter, I do not know everything, and (especially when you consider the sources available) cannot possibly know everything regarding Vikings/Knights/Samurai. Some things have been lost to history.

So, let’s get this started.

1. A FUCKIN’ SUMMARY: your argument is invalid

The Game Theorists, in an effort to come to a conclusion on the question of ‘who would win -- Vikings/Knights/Samurai?’ decided to ‘make the fight fair’ by ruling out any anachronistic armament/technology, and limiting the three factions to equipment/tactics/training that they’d have access to in the 11th century (1000-1100CE).

From this, they concluded that:

The Vikings would be eliminated immediately, due to their ‘poor equipment’

Samurai would defeat Knights due to their focus on the bow, and their ridiculous wealth (allowing them to purchase the best armaments and retainers)

I believe this conclusion to be incorrect because:

The Vikings did not have ‘poor equipment’

Wealth should be equalised in this scenario, much like armament/technology, due to the varied nature of individuals within the three competing groups

Kyuudou (mounted archery) does not confer as much an advantage as implied

Furthermore, as Matpat was unable to state the context of the battle (ie. whether we are talking about 100v100v100, or 1v1v1), it is unclear who the actual combatants are; as 100 fighters are fundamentally a different beast compared to 1.

While I understand that Matpat did explicitly use a 1v1v1 scenario to ‘play the fight out’, he also cited the Samurai’s ability to hire retainers/soldiers/bodyguards to cover his weaknesses as an advantage -- which would be irrelevant in a 1v1v1 scenario.

As such, I will be counter-arguing with a focus on 1v1v1, and only address team combat when appropriate (ie. when debunking Matpat’s claims).

Without further ado, here is why the Vikings would put up a better fight than claimed:

2. VIKINGS: badass for a damn good reason

Right off the bat, the video loses all credibility by positing that ‘vikings’ were ill-equipped, ‘defensive nudists’ with ‘garbage weapons’ and the ‘medieval equivalent of tissue paper’ for armour. They also make the meaningless claim that they would ‘easily crumble against someone who knew what they were doing’.

First, let me remind everyone that the Vikings were raiders, yes -- but they were also settlers, traders, mercenaries, and conquerors. They were an entire culture of people who had, by the 11th century, been from Thracia to the Americas; and not only that -- returned to Scandinavia with both goods and knowledge.

As such, it would be an insult to the Viking legacy to insinuate that they were nothing but nude barbarians.

Contrary to what the video states, the Vikings did have access to quality arms and armor.

For one, Viking armament was generally equivalent to that of their Western European counterparts, considering much of their armament was acquired from other European Kingdoms to begin with. It’s noteworthy that an entire classification of swords are named after the Vikings because a large portion of them were found in Viking graves!

Furthermore, there is a direct mention of armored Vikings in the Saga of Olav Haraldsson (47. OF THE BATTLE AT NESJAR). To quote it directly, it is stated that: “King Olaf had in his ship 100 men armed in coats of ring-mail, and in foreign helmets.” As the Battle of Nesjar happened in 1016CE, it’s quite clear that any determined/wealthy enough Viking would have access to a mail hauberk.

Not only that, but in the Saga of Harald Hadrade (97. SKIRMISH OF ORRE), it is stated that in the Battle of Stamford Bridge (1066 CE), Hadrade’s forces ‘threw off their coats of ringmail’, which resulted in heavy casualties. This is further evidence to 11th century Viking access to mail armour.

Additionally, ever since the 10th century, the Vikings consistently flocked to ‘Miklagard’ (aka. Constantinople, aka. the capital of the Eastern Roman Empire) to join the Varangian Guard (appropriate music); many of which returned home. Do you really think these crack shock troops of the Basileus himself would not return to Scandinavia with a few pieces of Roman gear with them; let alone their training and experience?

Matpat also seems to discount or not acknowledge the effectiveness of the shields employed in that era. Yes. Viking shields were made primarily of wood -- but that didn’t make them ‘shoddy’ or ‘poor quality’. In fact, wooden shields have been the norm across centuries -- and work just fine against most conventional medieval weaponry (like arrows).

All of this completely contradicts the basis of Matpat’s argument -- that the Vikings would be out of the running due to inferior equipment. That claim is blatantly untrue, and it’s clear that the Vikings would be on par with the Knights in terms of equipment -- if not identical.

I would also like to dismiss the claim that the Vikings ‘would easily crumble against someone who knew what they were doing’. This is a nonsensical claim that can be applied to any fighter. A Navy SEAL would easily crumble against someone who knew what they were doing. A child would easily crumble against someone who knew that they were doing. In martial arts and combat, there is always someone better.

To conclude this segment, I will now summarise and counter the duel which Matpat narrates:

The Viking charges in a display of bravery.

Why? What’s the purpose of charging into a fight without properly assessing the situation? They’re Vikings, not idiots.

And then he takes an arrow to the back.

If he were fighting smartly, he wouldn’t. He’d be behind his shield. Or loosing arrows back.

Blade to the side.

This implies that the Viking doesn’t know how to use their shield, or how to fight. Considering Matpat has the Knights use longswords (???), this seems unlikely. I’m a longsword fencer. I have difficulty fencing i.33 guys and gals with their teensy bucklers. A big, Viking round shield would provide an edge over a two-handed weapon, due to the fact that you can effectively close off entire lines of attack, while simultaneously striking.

The Viking’s desperate axe swing ‘rejected’... His rudimentary armaments no match...

A sturdy, wooden shield and a damn dinner knife can serve perfectly fine in a fight, as long as the fighter knows how to use them. I don’t thin, it’d be unreasonable to assume that the Viking in this scenario would know how to use his weapons.

3. WEALTH IS IRRELEVANT: seize the means of consumption!

Wealth is definitely important, when considering conflict -- but that’s like saying breathing is important when considering living.

Money means better equipment and training; but it’s also finite, and dependent on an individual’s factors.

Most Samurai would be able to afford expensive equipment, due to the fact that the Samurai class is a much smaller and more specific class than ‘Knights’ or ‘Viking’.

However, there were likely incredibly rich Vikings and Knights as well; just as how there were less-wealthy Samurai.

As such, I feel it would be more in the spirit of the scenario to consider that all three combatants were equipped with the best armaments they’d have access to in the 11th century.

4. WHY KYUUDOU ISN’T THAT EFFECTIVE: and why ringmail is so damn popular (even in Japan)

Let me start by saying that horse archery is effective -- against unarmored targets.

The moment you throw mail and shields into the mix (of which the Vikings and Knights had aplenty), those arrows suddenly fall off a cliff in regards to effectiveness.

Yes. Mail. Ringmail. Chainmail.

Contrary to popular belief, mail (riveted, not butted) was highly effective at preventing piercing damage. Don’t believe me? Here’s a video of a pilum being thrown full force at a properly made set of mail. Of course, Eldgrim explains that there’s still a lot of kinetic energy being transmitted through the armor, but with the gambesons (padded armor) that many wore beneath their hauberks, this would mitigate some of the impact.

Most videos you find on the internet that show mail being penetrated usually shows butted mail -- which is an absolutely useless form of armor.

The only type of damage that butted mail can effectively prevent is slicing. I don’t mean a chop or a swing of a sword -- I mean a sawing or a drawing motion, and let’s be real here -- a padded jacket can do that, and be much cheaper.

Riveted mail is a different beast entirely. While it’s not impervious to all piercing attacks, it is impervious to most -- and coupled with a gambeson, and a good helmet, the wearer will drastically reduce their vulnerability to a Samurai’s arrows.

Furthermore, in an arena setting, a Viking or a Knight could easily just turtle the fuck up behind their shield, and wait for the mounted Samurai to... Run out of arrows -- or come to them.

Matpat also brings up the mobility of ou-yoroi armor for some reason. I can only assume he brings this up to imply that the mail hauberks used in Western and Northern Europe in the 11th century were heavy and clumsy -- but considering that full sets of ou-yoroi weighed around 30kg, they aren’t particularly the lightest sets either.

Not only that, but their design and shape, compared to mail, makes their wearers less dextrous, and agile. The bulky pauldrons, arm guards... Etc.

Mail, by contrast, is flexible. It’s like wearing a shirt. Sure, it can be heavy if you let it hang from your shoulders, but if you tie a belt round your waist, all that weight gets evenly distributed along your core, and bam, it really is like wearing a shirt.

Therefore, ou-yoroi being designed to allow for the most mobility is a non sequitur. It’s made even more nonsensical when you consider that all armor (save for jousting armor) is made for mobility -- how the fuck else are you gonna fight in it, then?

Also, Matpat mentions that ou-yoroi covers more areas of a person’s body -- when in reality, 11th century ou-yoroi covered just as much as a mail hauberk. Upper body, upper legs.

5. OTHER MISCONCEPTIONS AND CONCLUSION

At around 9:30 of the video, Matpat introduces knights as having used Longswords during the 11th century. This is incorrect. Longswords became popular/in-use primarily during the 14th century. It is an anachronistic technology in this 11th century scenario.

He also tells us to look to the Warden class for some ‘really accurate knight weaponry’ but... idk man, that is probably the longest and bulkiest longsword i’ve ever seen... (distal taper, where?)

There are a few more that I’ll save for a later article -- but for now, I’ve downed way too much coffee to be healthy, and will now move to my conclusion:

If the best equipped and trained Viking, Knight, and Samurai were put into a battlefield -- there is no clear picture on who will win.

Also, do some damn research.

#for honor #history #game theory

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