#also disclaimer i do not think dick jokes are the epitome of comedy i know nothing about comedy thank you

[millcdaze]

☂ want it 0:0 at worst | jinkook | t+ | 1,426w  10 genre ficlet challenge: 3. crack/(crude!!) humour—jinkook basically an extended dick joke because dick jokes are the epitome of comedy

❀

It has been one day since Jungkook has been told to eat a dick and zero days since he has eaten a dick. Conversely, it has been zero days since Seokjin has both been told to and eaten a dick. This scoreboard is kept on a little magnetic white board stuck to the door of their refrigerator where anyone who walks into their apartment can see it. Consequently, upon seeing this board, their friends gag violently and either throw themselves onto the couch or out the door.

But that sounds like their problem.

This is all beside the point. The point is that Jungkook has a reputation to keep, a personal goal to maintain. This is why when he rolls out of bed, stumbles into the kitchen to get a glass of water, and sees the ‘one day ago’ in his Go Eat A Dick column, he knows what he must do. He downs half the glass, gargles with the rest, and hums do re mi on his way back to their room.

When Seokjin drew up the scoreboard it was with the intention of encouraging Jungkook to be less of a little shit. Sadly, for Seokjin, it only encourages Jungkook to go above and beyond in his efforts, which in turn encourages Seokjin, and now they’re both insufferable.

If Seokjin really wanted Jungkook to return to his average levels of shittiness then he would take down the scoreboard. Instead he encourages Jungkook half the time and laughs over it all the time. This is partially his fault.

He eases the door open and slinks into bed as quietly as he can. Usually, Jungkook sleeps after Seokjin and wakes up after him, so it’s a wonder to see Seokjin still asleep. That means Seokjin must be goddamn tired, and he’s going to hate Jungkook for waking him up. Perfect. Jungkook presses himself against Seokjin’s back, leans over his shoulder to trail a finger through his hair at his nape and licks his ear, which has Seokjin whining and trying to shake him off.

“It’s Friday,” Jungkook says quietly, and when Seokjin hums in response he continues, “do you have work today?”

It’s quiet save for the hum of the air conditioner and the sound of Seokjin’s breathing evening out. It sounds like Seokjin’s asleep again until he sucks in a breath and rasps, “Sadly.”

“Then you’re late.” Seokjin huffs and mumbles some plan to shirk the blame, so Jungkook gets comfortable on Seokjin and starts singing in his ear, “How can you see into my eyes like open doors?”

Seokjin groans immediately and hisses, “Amy Lee sings it so much better,” which means Jungkook is successfully pissing him off and waking him up. Jungkook continues.

To Seokjin’s credit, he diligently ignores Jungkook’s prodding and singing, right up until the chorus when Jungkook takes a deep breath. Seokjin’s eyes fly open on cue and Jungkook rolls onto Seokjin, effectively trapping and crushing him into the bed with his weight, yelling into his ear, “Wake me up!”

Seokjin thrashes and cusses him out, but Jungkook clings to him until Seokjin spits out the magic words, “Eat a dick, I fucking hate you-” Seokjin’s voice catches in his throat as he twists suddenly, fitting his palm against Jungkook’s face with a great huff but pushing weakly. “Get off me!” He manages to shake Jungkook off because Jungkook is too busy laughing to stop him. The irritation flushes Seokjin’s skin red, from the high of his cheeks to the plane of his chest, and, and- How could he yell all that in one breath then throw himself from the bed to the bathroom in such a smooth rage?

Five minutes later Seokjin has locked Jungkook out of the bathroom and Jungkook erases the one from the board, replacing it with a perfectly rounded zero. His eyes burn and try to glue themselves shut as he shivers in the kitchen’s 6am cold, but he already feels accomplished for the day.

❀

When Seokjin strides into the kitchen, feeding his agent some elaborate (unbelievable) lie that perfectly explains why he’ll be ten minutes late then shoving his phone into his pocket, Jungkook is sitting on the counter that's only warm because it's absorbing half of his body heat, swinging his legs as he slurps the last of his cereal.

“Just cereal for breakfast?”

“The breakfast of champions.”

“Not under this roof,” Seokjin leans in for a kiss, stealing one when Jungkook makes a face over the cereal comment. “Get something else later.”

“What about you, think I don’t know how often you skip?” Exhibit A: right now. Seokjin is going to be out the door within ten minutes.

“I always make up for it, Kookie. I get paid to look good.”

“You always look good,” Jungkook huffs, pressing his mouth to Seokjin’s hard enough that their teeth knock together painfully; Seokjin hisses but doesn’t pull away. That wasn’t the intent so Jungkook makes up for it with careful pecks to Seokjin’s bottom lip, both lips, the corner of his mouth. “Do you have a shoot today?”

“Yeah.” Jungkook twists his face into the ugliest frown he can muster and Seokjin almost doubles over, which would have led to him dunking his beautiful face into Jungkook’s beautiful bowl of cereal. That would be such a good look; if that's not a runway look, what is? Seokjin catches himself with a hand on Jungkook’s shoulder and his whole face smooths out with his big, breathtaking smile that leaves Jungkook feeling like a lost, lovestruck boy all over again. “Don't make that face. It'll be fine.”

“Better be,” Jungkook means to sound every bit as petulant as it comes out, but Seokjin just laughs and slides his hand from Jungkook’s shoulder up along his neck to push his fingers into Jungkook’s hair, curling and uncurling them against his nape over and over. Jungkook leans into the warmth of his hand as much as he can. He almost forgets about his cereal. “They think I can't find them? I'm the best sniper I know.”

“Of course you are.”

Jungkook fixes Seokjin with a sharp look and Seokjin cocks a brow. “I am.”

“Don't worry your pretty little head. Yoongi’s in charge of today's shoot.” That's promising. Jungkook breaks into a grin, just thinking of messing with Yoongi makes him want to retract maybe a fraction of his threats. Only a minuscule fraction because messing with Yoongi is fun. Seokjin ruffles his hair then taps him on his forehead. “See? It'll be as fine as can be.”

“Okay, okay. Get your ass to work.”

“Not without my goodbye kiss,” Seokjin somehow puckers his lips mid-sentence so Jungkook pinches his nose and presses a quick kiss to his lips before letting go with a grin. Seokjin rubs his nose and jams the thumb of his free hand into the corner of Jungkook’s grin. “Good enough, brat.”

Jungkook only grins wider. His cheeks hurt with it and Seokjin’s thumb slides into his mouth so Jungkook bites it the way any loving boyfriend would. Seokjin pulls his hand away, wiping the spit off his thumb on his jeans, and Jungkook snorts. “Get outta here, old man.”

“Love you, li’l shit.” Seokjin glides towards the door, all grace, stopping only to look at their scoreboard and flip Jungkook off. “Change that zero to a minus one because you can go eat a dick instead of that damn cereal.”

“Math almost sucks as much as you do.” Jungkook brings his bowl to his mouth to slurp some milk and Seokjin rolls his eyes, grabbing his bag and pulling the door open. “Bye, baby. Love you too,” Jungkook finishes and Seokjin flashes him a grin as he shuts the door.

This is unheard of. Waking up before Seokjin and earning two points in the same morning? Is Jungkook, like, a god now? He deserves a reward. He’s going to lie in bed all day and play Seokjin’s MapleStory file because Seokjin is selfish and over-levelled.

Half an hour later Jungkook’s phone beeps like a Mario power-up and when he pauses the game he sees a message from Seokjin flash onscreen:

I'm serious. Order takeout or smth. Btw do u want bbq for dinner?

Suddenly, replying to this text is incredibly important: Bbq and smth else ;)Two seconds later Seokjin responds with: Deleting u.

That period means Seokjin is serious. Wait!! I can change, pls :”( 

Sry bby break’s over. Go eat.Actual food.

Fine. Always so bossy. Loving, but bossy. Love u 2. ♡