#also changing to the insurance company that i used to work for and absolutely loathe

[fakenewvegasfan]

Maybe i shouldnt have done this but out of fear of being held liable someday and possibly owing the state a shit ton of money, I updated my income with medicaid to show that I was now making an actual income. I knew it was going to change things significantly but when considering my options for either insurance from my company or insurance from the state, the states grand total of $280 (including dental) per month is somehow the more "affordable option". In 2 months my quality of life is going to go down hill so fucking drastically its insane. Somehow making the pittance of an income that I have might wind up costing me more than when I was broke. I just.... i fucking hate this. I want nothing to do with this anymore. My prescription that keeps my chronic condition in check after years of struggling is going to be $100 every 3 months and I have no way to prove this but I just know that getting gender affirming care is about to become significantly more frustrating

[g0dspeeed]

Unconditional Positive Regard, 1

Distractions can never be a factor in a mission, gig, or side job. It will lead to recklessness, failure, or worse, a tainted reputation. And to Adam Smasher a tainted reputation is not something he could possibly afford.

But what if he found something, someone, worth risking that reputation for? What if he learned what it meant to be understood? To be known?

=================================

Referral

The evening air had a dankness to it, a sort of wet smell concocted of synthetic chemicals, shit, and sulfur. Such is the nature of the outer fringes of Night City, where all waste is excreted from its bowels and into the air of its most impoverished. The scent could sting the nostrils and cause others to recoil in disgust, but not the being that navigated through the maze of storage containers with such razor-sharp focus. Whatever his body was processing from the rank stench around him, the information dissipated into white noise.

Distractions can never be a factor in a mission, gig, or side job. It will lead to recklessness, failure, or worse, a tainted reputation.

And to Adam Smasher a tainted reputation is not something he could possibly afford.

Despite his heavy frame, he traversed the area like a shadow. Cybernetic eyes constantly scanned the dark environment, making note of every heat signature and change in moisture levels. His optic implants were the sole giveaway of his presence as they lit the way to his objective in their red glow. He prowled towards a mass of fiery hues in the back corner of the yard, a new sense of cautiousness stirring his mind.

The yard was quiet. Wasn’t surprising considering how far out the area was from the crowded, rowdy streets of the metropolis’s entertainment districts.

There.

Loud cackles of laughter broke the tension, a chorus of rasped, mechanical voices.

Adam sneered immediately.

Their brash voices along with the crude application of their cyberware made it easy for Adam to identify who exactly he was messing with that night.

Maelstrom.

Not that Adam ever utilized much of a moral compass himself. Like any other hired gun in Night City the merc followed the glory and the eddies with reckless abandon. Getting his hands dirty for the promise of good payment? Same shit, different day.

As much as he worked to set himself apart from the herd, he wasn’t blind to unfortunate similarities. A stroke of humility, he guessed.

Still, there were hard limits for Adam. Microscopic, but there. Though he rarely took inventory of them, Adam turned down jobs in the past based on some form of internal code, some ethics that never sprouted to full fruition since his youth. Maelstrom on the other hand, didn’t seem to give a flying fuck.

If he were a weaker man, he’d probably reflect on what those limits of his were.

But of what stock he took in that conscious inventory of his, a stubborn denial of vulnerability was in abundance.

His focus centered on the group by the fire. Three men and one woman.

Without an ounce of flair, a frag grenade was activated and tossed from his place around the corner. There was only a brief grunt of surprise from one of the men before the grenade detonated, a burst of flames swelling from an explosion that had enough force to rumble the earth below Smasher’s feet.

The mercenary walked through the smoke without fear. Dirt and rock crunched under his heavy steps, bits of flesh and bloodied cyberware mixed in like mulch.

Initial scans came up empty. A small itch of agitation started to irritate Adam as she scoured the area for what he bothered coming to this shit hole for in the first place.

An exhale through the nose.

Another intake of foul air. Smelt like copper now.

Another scan.

Ah, there it was.

Scuffed, but intact was a large, black case, the red Arasaka emblem in plain sight. Another scan and it was confirmed that the cyberware past the armored panels was unharmed.

His mechanical hand gripped the case tightly. As he picked it up from the ground, a broken groan sounded from behind him.

One of the Maelstrom thugs had stirred despite the blood that caked his head and optic implants in thick, dark clots. Part of his calf was missing, leaving behind a smoking, blackened hole that sparked and twitched involuntarily.

Adam watched as a gnarled hand, whatever was left of it, slowly crept across the ground in a pained effort. Tracking his futile path, the merc sighed at spotting a pistol.

With the same amount of flat enthusiasm, Adam approached the dying man. Fear from the sight of Adam’s large body pushed the man to stretch out towards the weapon with a new vigor. It wasn’t enough. Slowly, Adam’s heavy foot stepped down on the man’s hand. With every passing second, Adam allowed more and more of his weight to crush him. High screeches of pain cut through the night air. The man’s fingers snapped under the merc’s weight, splintering through the skin as his knuckles became mush.

Something rewarding filled Adam, a familiar sense of satisfaction at destroying any barrier to his job’s success, to his own success. Music to his ears.

His own fingers reached to grip the man’s pistol. The cries had stopped, replaced with an irritating whimper. After inspecting the weapon briefly, Adam pointed the barrel at the man’s temple. Their eyes locked. He pulled the trigger without a second thought.

Jobs such as the one in the storage yard were not impressive to Adam. Not like they used to be. True, they raked in eddies, maintained his reputation, and put in a good word to Arasaka. Another step in the right direction. But ultimately, Adam craved more. The understanding that there was another rung in the ladder, another step up that hung above him almost teasingly motivated him, drove him to remain in Arasaka’s good standing, but also made these smaller jobs feel mundane.

Hope, or perhaps intuition, pushed Adam to accept more and more gigs with the major corporate company. In turn, they welcomed his skillset with open arms. He was in good favor with Arasaka to say the least. His cyberwear and mods made him a walking advertisement to the company’s tech ingenuity. Ever since someone from Arasaka saw potential in Adam and essentially saved his life, he owed them, but not in a way that would cause any bitterness. They didn’t hold it over his head. No one dared remind him how close Adam was to death so many decades ago, how the fact that he was still up and around to carry out these small gigs was something short of a miracle.

No, there was a sense of duty. A sense of service.

A loose leash. One that could only be held respectfully by the highest level of the executive board or the Arasaka family itself. They knew to hold it right, hold it in a way that didn’t shift that steady servitude to rebellion.

Any tighter and he’d give ‘em the middle finger, founding family be damned.

This isn’t all to say that he’s happy. An existential crisis, perhaps? A crossroads. He valued his freedom as well as the power to say ‘No’ far too much to allow a corporation to have a leash around his neck, yet here he was. The hypocrisy stung on some days. Oh, he was aware. Adam didn’t oppose heavily modifying his body with the best combat and weapons tech eddies could buy. His limbs were implants, as well as his eyes and parts of his skull and spine. However, at this point Adam was made up of more cyborg than human, and the corporation was still pushing for more modifications, more upgrades. With their direction, he made for a powerful ally and an intimidating enemy. Arasaka was utilizing his hunger for power to their advantage, something that Adam was aware of and allowed. What haunted him most was the knowledge that if his younger self, the version of him that started out poor and desperate in New York, if that kid saw who he had become, who he served and got his eddies from, that Adam, that young and confident kid would be absolutely disgusted. A sellout. A corpo slave. It was easier to ignore on most days, especially after a job well done that was full of action and dominance over NC’s most brutal whose reputation countered his own. The night he took down the likes of Johnny Silverhand? A chef’s kiss to his success.

Yet, the self-loathing was there. It came when he arrived home when the door closed, and he found himself alone.

It settled in like a parasite, eating him from the inside out.

Whatever that feeling was, the one full of drive and promise, it brightened when he debriefed with one of the Arasaka executive assistants a few days after the yard gig was closed. Adam stood squarely in a polished conference room at Arasaka’s Night City headquarters, his frame towering over a finely-dressed man on a floor that was likely cleaned every day, his own reflection glaring back at him.

“Your continued service is much appreciated by Arasaka and its associates,” the man read from a tablet in his hands. Manicured hands. Smooth to the touch, they looked. Probably didn’t do a day of hard labor in his life, thought Adam.

Adam’s focus shifted back to the face of the messenger. A light sheen of sweat was forming.

“Our s-satisfaction,” continued the assistant, “Leads us to consider future opportunities. We have a task of great importance to the Arasaka family and the company.”

At that, Adam’s curiosity piqued. Strange. Normally these messages were short and to the point. This message seemed more formal, more alluding.

“While we are and will be considered your client for the entirety of this transaction, including the provision of any and all financial compensation for your time and services, another party is responsible with insuring that your efforts are specific to our request and uphold our standards.”

His mood soured instantly.

There it was.

The other shoe.

“Why the hell would ‘another party’ be necessary?” he questioned.

The man flinched.

“Um,” he mumbled. “W-What I know, Mr. Smasher, sir, is, um, that the third party is being contracted by Arasaka’s research department, specifically, and um, Mr. Yorinobu Arasaka thought it best that they themselves explain the nature of their contract and expectations, sir.”

Adam glowered down at the sweaty messenger before stalking towards a nearby window. As he gazed out towards the city, his mind wondered at all that he heard.

“Is Yorinobu Arasaka coming to Night City?” he called out to the man.

“No, sir.”

“Then why is he interested in a third party here? Why not one in Japan?”

“I-I’m not privy to that answer, sir.”

Adam scowled.

Yorinobu Arasaka wasn’t someone who ever contacted or had anything to do with Adam’s role in the company. It was all new territory, and frankly it irked Adam to be in the dark, much less rely on someone else, this ‘third party’ as it were, to make sure he was doing his job correctly.

Why the bullshit?

Why complicate a simple thing?

The rest of the message consisted of the time and place in which Adam was to meet the unwelcomed third party.

“Just send me the damn address,” snarled Adam as he stalked out of the conference room door.

What the man responded with Adam had no idea. He was already slamming the door shut behind him. The frame rattled.

[latent-thoughts]

The Pursuit of a Simple Life (Chapter 6 - Goddess of Wrath)

[Co-Authored with @emeraldrosequartz​]

Rating: 18+ (there be lots of citrus here).

Warning: None

Pairing: Loki/Original Female Character

Summary: Three years after returning to Earth with the other Asgardians following Ragnarok, Loki finds himself working for SHIELD, truly just trying to fight the boredom. While on an undercover mission, he unexpectedly begins to fall for his co-worker, Gemma, and she seems to feel the same way…about Dave, his alter ego while in disguise. Can Loki continue a relationship with her while keeping his true identity a secret? How many lies can the ‘God of lies’ spin to keep his pursuit of a simple life?

[Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017); THOR IS A GOOD BRO AND TOTALLY NOT HOW HE WAS IN RAGNAROK, THNX; Infinity War Doesn’t Exist; Everyone lives]

A/N: Gemma shares some sad details of her life with Dave, and then she has to face her boss again.

________________________________

IMPORTANT NOTES:

Bold Text = Loki’s POV

Normal Text = Gemma’s POV

________________________________

Loki wanted to murder Oliver. Painfully.

In the time the pudgy man had taken to humiliate poor Gemma, Loki had thought about twenty scenarios where he could end up dead, with no evidence indicating any foul play.

He could do it. But he knew that it would not work well for the mission. The man would most likely be declared a martyr who had probably leaked important information against the company.

In his three or so years on Midgard, Loki had learnt quite a bit about how the media of the realm worked.

Hence, after considering everything, he lowered his murderous gaze from the man and tried to appear engrossed in his work.

He'd deal with Oliver later...

For now, he focused on Gemma. His poor Gemma...

Once Oliver was gone, Loki slipped from his desk and walked past hers on his way to the printer, dropping a note down to her surreptitiously.

It was a simple note, stating that he thought Oliver a callous and uncouth monster, and that he believed she wasn't at fault. Lastly, he gave her the venue of their lunch date, to uplift her spirits.

Gemma read the note, like, 300 times.

“Callous and uncouth”...? Who TALKS like that? Dave talks like that. Perfect, handsome, wonderful, sexy Dave talks like that.

Not my fault...well of course it’s my fault. I didn’t get the work done, and now I’m in trouble for it. But it’s nice of him to say so...

WOW he wants to go THERE for lunch?!

By the time noon rolled around, she had memorized that note word for word...and she could not WAIT to get out of there.

She clocked out, grabbed her cardigan, and headed over to Dave’s desk.

“Hey, thanks for the note. That was really sweet.” She smiled and wrung her hands together. “So...ready to go?”

Loki rose from his desk, closing his laptop and grabbing his bag and pea-coat.

"Absolutely," he declared cheerfully, grasping her hand to lead her out of the hall. "Also, you'd do well to learn that I don't accept expressions of gratitude for acting with bare minimum decency."

He helped her put her cardigan on once they reached his car, feeling her tremble as he did so. He kissed her cheek softly to ease the tension in her body, and it only made her jump.

"Relax," he stated, holding her close for a moment. "Everything will be fine. Your reports will be done on time. Now forget the work related hassles and try to take a break."

He opened the passenger door for her as he said that last bit, helping her into the car.

She couldn’t believe he actually held her hand the whole way to his car. His incredible, gorgeous, fancy-as-hell car. Ooooh, she loved it.

And she was kind of starting to think she loved him even more. Not like LOVE love, but, you know, like how you love a cool drink of water on a hot day. And Dave was definitely a cool drink of water.

“Ok, I’ll try,” she responded. He was acting so familiar with her, with the kisses and the chivalry. It almost frightened her...she could get VERY used to this, and then it would hurt that much more once reality set in and he disappeared from her life, nothing more than a fond memory.

Because, deep down, she just knew this was too good to last. Stuff like this didn’t happen to her. But in the meantime, she would enjoy it as much as possible.

She clicked in her own seatbelt this time, and giggled as he drove out of the parking lot WAY too fast, grabbing his hand on the stick shift.

He grinned in response as she giggled, really enjoying the lilting sound it made in her throat. He wanted to make her laugh more often. Every day...

But he couldn't get ahead of himself. Not right now...

Once they reached their destination, he led her out of the car and into the restaurant of his choice.

"So, still want to have sandwiches?" he asked playfully as they settled into an intimate corner table with a large window overlooking the sea. "Or can I endeavour to change your mind?"

“Please...change my mind,” she said. Her tone was verging on sultry, and she dared to put her hands on his over the tabletop. She felt tingles radiate from where she touched him. This was their first actual date!

“Um...actually, why don’t you go ahead and order for me?” She watched for his reaction nervously--she’d never asked her date to order for her before. Then again, she’d never dated anyone like Dave before.

This was all becoming so unbearably and fantastically romantic...

Loki ordered for both of them while still holding her hands over the table. He didn't care if the waiter frowned upon it, he just did it because he wanted to.

"So... " he murmured as the waiter went off with their order. "I want to know something about you, Gemma. Will you tell me?"

He saw the hesitance in her eyes, but still, she nodded.

"Why do you work at PAC & Co.? It's not a very friendly work environment, from what I've seen in my three months here. Surely you can find a better place than this?"

Gemma wanted to bring her hands back to her body, to wring the bottom of her shirt like she always did when she was nervous. But he felt so good holding her hand, and she couldn’t bring herself to let go. So she pushed through the nerves.

“I...well, I never thought I’d end up in a place like that, doing that kind of work. I always thought I would be--oh, nevermind, it’s stupid...”

She sighed and looked away. “I just...needed to pay the bills. And a monkey could do that work, so I knew I could do it. I don’t know. Things just didn’t turn out the way I planned, so I kept settling for less and less until...I got here.”

She hated that THAT was the story of her life--giving up on her dreams and settling for the absolutely dull and tedious world she’d built around herself. But it was the truth, and she felt like she owed that to him, at least.

“I know. Not very impressive...but that’s how it goes sometimes, I guess.”

"I see." Loki didn't like that she was letting go of her wants and wishes and just settling. So he pushed for more information. "And may I know what you actually wanted to do?"

He rubbed his thumbs over her wrists, trying to calm her down the moment he felt her growing restless. She was like a little hummingbird in his hands... so tiny and vulnerable. He wanted to protect her with all that he had.

She looked at him, feeling incredibly exposed. But he’d done nothing except be kind and patient with her; he’d shown her time and time again that he harbored no ill will toward her. But instincts and hard lessons learned were difficult to overcome.

Still...she wanted to tell him. And if he laughed at her, well, then it would be just that much easier when he went away.

“Um...geez, I haven’t told anyone this for a long time. I...I moved to New York City because I wanted to act on Broadway. I was in plays and musicals my whole life growing up, and when I could finally move out of that podunk little town, I came straight here and started auditioning. I took whatever classes I could afford, started meeting people, and then...well, then the attack happened...”

She closed her eyes, knowing she was close to tears but doing her best to keep it together.

“I was waitressing when it started...and I almost got killed. Captain America saved my life...along with everyone else in the building. I was so grateful to be alive!

“But then...well, my apartment was destroyed, along with all my stuff. I didn’t have renters’ insurance--it was too expensive. I was barely making ends meet, and I couldn’t move back home--I couldn’t stand the thought of living with my parents again. So I figured I’d get some admin job, just until I could get back on my feet and start auditioning again. But that was...god, it feels like a lifetime ago. And I just...I don’t feel the passion I used to, you know?

“Maybe if the attack hadn’t happened, I’d be where I wanted to be, but now...well, nothing I can do about it but tread water and try to put my life back together. And a steady paycheck is a big part of that, even if I have to sell my soul for it.”

Loki felt as though he had been slapped in the face, several times, with a hand made of uru metal...

While several centuries' worth of experience gave him enough fortitude to keep a straight, concerned facade on, internally, he was wilting. He had not felt this deep a bout of self-loathing in years.

The attack. His attack on New York had destroyed and forever changed many lives. One of them had been Gemma’s life. His sweet, loving, kind Gemma...

He had almost killed her.

Norns, he hated himself so much...

But there was nothing he could do to undo the past. That was the most frustrating part of his life.

His grip on her hands tightened slightly as he spoke. "I understand, though I cannot empathize fully. Being here when the attack happened.... it must've been terrifying. That monster changed your life forever, and he didn't care one bit about it. I'm sorry, Gemma... so sorry."

His voice nearly cracked as he tried his best to apologize for his deeds, though covertly. He knew that he didn't deserve forgiveness, but still, apologizing was the least he could do.

“Yea...” she sighed, finding it hard to meet his eyes. “But it’s not like I’m the only one it happened to. Plenty of people died that day, and I didn’t. So I have to believe there’s a reason for it...even if that reason is pretty far out and I can’t see it from here...”

She was shaken out of her thoughts when the waiter placed a beautiful cut of filet mignon in front of her, with a side of roasted vegetables and a few crostini. She thanked the server and cut off a generous bite of the meat, and as soon as it hit her tongue, her eyes rolled up and she moaned.

“Oh MAN--this is delicious! You ordered me filet mignon for LUNCH?! It’s like you’re trying to impress me or something...”

She giggled, letting the somber moment pass. Her depressing life story wasn’t going to change, and this incredible lunch was in front of her NOW.

“So, Dave...” she said, still chewing. “How did you get into sales? Family business?”

Loki was still feeling shaken, so he just looked down and played around with his food while she spoke.

Even though her little moan was distracting, it couldn't pull him from the pits of despair he was presently wallowing in.

"Not really. I was told that I was very persuasive from a very young age. So I suppose going into sales was a natural progression." He shrugged, trying to give her a little smile. It felt strained.

“Hey...are you ok?” Gemma asked. He had been so enthusiastic before her story, but now he seemed...depressed. She swallowed, then sighed heavily. “God...Dave, I’m sorry. I ruined the mood... Talking about the attack probably isn’t the best way to have a fun afternoon, is it...”

She sighed again. She’d blown it, just like she knew she would. There was still plenty of food on her plate--delicious food, better food than she’d eaten in years--but now, she wasn’t hungry anymore.

“I...I’ll just catch a cab back to the office. Thanks for lunch, Dave. Have a good one.”

She wanted to offer to pay for her meal, too. But she knew she couldn’t afford it, so she had to leave before he asked her to.

"Gemma," Loki said firmly as she tried to rise from her seat. "Sit down."

Norns, he had upset her now. First, he had nearly killed her in New York, destroyed her life, and now he was ruining her day as well.

No, he would no longer be a cause for her misery. He wanted to give her joy... to mend the life he had nearly snuffed out...

He looked up at her with an earnest expression. "I'm sorry. You didn't ruin the mood, I did. I shouldn't have pried into your life like a rampaging bilge--like an untamed bull. It was insensitive of me. Stay, please..."

That look he gave her nearly melted her heart.

Stay, please...

How could she not?

With another nervous gulp, she sat back down and looked at him softly--he looked almost more upset than she had been. What an odd reaction...

“I didn’t really want to leave anyway...” She smiled and took his hands in hers again. “And, thank you...for asking, I mean. It’s been a long time since...well, actually, I don’t think anyone has ever asked me that before, about why I work at PAC & Co. It’s nice that you care.”

Their eyes locked, and she found she couldn’t look away from him. There was so much in his eyes, in his face--sadness and joy, nerves and excitement, concern, desperation, longing...she’d never seen anyone more expressive than him in that moment.

She was lost for words...time stopped. Her universe zoomed in and all she could see--all she wanted to see--was this incredible man who had suddenly shown up in her life and, for reasons she couldn’t even fathom, wanted to be with her.

"I do care," he stated truthfully, picking up the fork and offering her a piece of the fillet. "I wanted to know you better. I still do."

He squeezed her hand, almost afraid that she'd pull it away and run from him. It was an irrational fear, but still, it was there...

He didn't want to lose her.

She didn’t want to lose him.

She squeezed his hand in return and ate the filet off of the fork as he offered it to her. And the next. And the next. Until the meal was over.

She checked her watch, realizing she had gone WAY over her lunch break time, but...it didn’t matter. Let them fire her. What she needed--what she wanted--was to stay here as long as possible, pretending the outside world didn’t exist.

As the meal concluded, Loki paid for it, watching her as her eyes tried to discern the bill surreptitiously. That made him smile.

He didn't let her see the amount.

"I suppose it's time to go back to work, even though I honestly don't want to," he said as the waiter left with the bill and the amount paid. "But we both have things to finish."

He kissed her hand and rose from the seat, pulling her along.

"Do you think that Oliver would've lost his shit over your reports by now?" he asked casually, wrapping his arm around her as they made their way out of the restaurant. "Or would he not care till tomorrow morning?"

“I don’t think he’s even going to be there tomorrow. He’s probably already left for the weekend.” Gemma said drowsily. That lunch was MUCH bigger than what she usually ate, and the extra food in her system was making her sleepy. She curled into him and put her arm around his waist in return as they walked to the car. “He doesn’t like me...so he just tries to make my life miserable. Little does he know I’m a pro at having a miserable life. Sucks for him, right?”

She chuckled morosely as she climbed back into Dave’s amazing car, settling into the leather seat with a contented little moan.

“Thanks for the lunch, Dave. Truly. That was the best meal I’ve had in ages. And the best company.”

She smiled warmly and held his hand, letting him go when he needed it to change gears but otherwise holding on to him the entire way. As they pulled back into the parking lot, she pouted.

“I don’t wannaaaaaa...” she cried sarcastically.

Loki laughed at her childish little whine as he got out of the car and opened her door for her.

"I'd honestly take you back to my place and ravish you in all the ways I want to," he confessed as he pulled her out of the car and pressed her against it with his body. "But I'm trying to practice restraint. We ought to be more responsible, no?"

“No,” she answered cheekily, narrowing her eyes in a scrunchy little smile. “Let’s not be responsible. Let’s run away from this two-bit town and never come back.”

She was joking, of course...wasn’t she? Also...who said “ravished” these days???

Dave. Dave says ravished.

She enjoyed the little shiver that ran down her spine at the thought of it

But as they walked back through the doors with their arms around each other, fielding the raised eyebrows and sudden titters from their co-workers, Gemma just smiled. Maybe, JUUUUST maybe...things might work out.

And then she saw Oliver waiting for her in the lobby, tapping his foot and looking at his watch...

Oh...FUCK...

Loki was feeling elated once again. Gemma was in his arms and she looked so happy. She was glowing.

Because of him. Or Dave... it was the same thing, really, for his affection wasn't any different in either form.

While he was lost in his own thoughts about Gemma, Gemma's step faltered. That brought his mind back to the present, and he saw Gemma's face fall.

Following her line of vision, he saw their boss, Oliver, waiting in the lobby, looking none too pleased.

Oh, what did he want now? He was going to undo all of Loki's attempts to cheer the girl...

Very subtly, Loki stepped ahead of Gemma and tried to shield her from the portly man's renewed ire.

Gemma and Oliver’s eyes locked. She could see the hint of a malicious smirk on his face...he was going to chew her out--AGAIN--in front of the entire team. Twice in one day. For whatever reason, he seemed to love singling her out...he’d done it for years, and for all that time, she had taken it. Just sat there and let him do it...and she was sick of it.

Had she NOT been through enough? Talking to Dave over lunch had helped her put her life in a bit more perspective; just because she hadn’t succeeded in what she’d expected to do did NOT mean she deserved to be abused by a bully.

She. Was. Done.

Gemma felt Dave beginning to move in front of her, and she stopped him. He turned to face her, the same heart melting concern on his face, and she gave him a firm, resolved look. She let him go and walked up to Oliver.

“Have you been standing here waiting for me to get back from lunch, Oliver?” She put her hands on her hips, eyes narrowed.

Loki's jaw dropped. He hadn't expected Gemma to confront Oliver straight away...

That seemed to affect the idiot as well, for he seemed at a loss for words for a few seconds before he responded.

"I was wondering why you had gone out for lunch when you have work left to complete! Do I need to remind you that I want the reports on my desk by Saturday morning?" he asked with malicious glee, most likely expecting to see Gemma wilt against his verbal tirade again.

But Gemma didn't wilt this time. Much to Loki's surprise, she kept staring at Oliver with an even gaze.

Gemma felt a fire in her belly...she didn’t know where it came from, but she liked it. She wasn’t going to let Oliver push her around anymore.

Because if someone like Dave thought she was worth something, maybe she should start thinking that, too.

“Is it Saturday morning yet, Oliver?” she challenged him, a hint of sarcasm slipping into her words. She practically spit his name out.

Oliver sputtered and turned beet red, eyeing Gemma as though she had sprouted another head.

Loki was enjoying this immensely. His Gemma was fighting back! This was glorious...

"No," Oliver finally answered, glaring at her while also knowing that she had him. It was written on his face, clear as the day.

“Then what’s the problem? Seems like I still have plenty of time to finish those reports you asked for--which I’m assuming you must need so urgently that you’re going to meet me here tomorrow, right? Otherwise, this could wait until Monday?”

“What? No, I won’t be here tomorrow...” Oliver’s face turned that purplish-crimson color she despised, and she scoffed at him.

“So why, exactly, do I need to get them to you by then, hm? Could it be that you needed to make yourself feel better by putting me down, just like you have for the last three years? Your fragile little ego needed a boost? Because if that’s the case, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but a TPX report isn’t going to fix that. And I’m not taking your shit anymore.”

She pushed past him, saying quietly so only he could hear. “Now please leave me alone so I can finish the work you so desperately need completed, despite the fact that you won’t see it until Monday when you get back from your weekend of self-destructive binge eating and coddling your porn addiction.”

His eyes went wide and he sputtered as she glared at him one more time.

“You really should clear your browser history more often when you’re at work.”

With that, she headed to her cubicle, absolutely vibrating with nerves.

Loki was absolutely stunned, as was Oliver.

Gemma was... Norns, she was a GODDESS of WRATH!

The way she eviscerated that buffoon, with class and dignity, was breathtaking to watch. Loki had a front row seat to that, and it wasn't at all disappointing.

He was so excited to see her stand up for herself that he wanted to jump up on his desk and give her a big round of applause.

Oliver was now standing there like a man emasculated. And justly so. The absolute wretch that he was, he deserved every word of her scathing response.

As Gemma settled into her chair, the pudgy man made himself scarce, leaving the hall with his tail between his legs.

Loki couldn't help himself. He skipped over to Gemma's desk and grasped her hand.

"That was great, Gemma. I'm pretty sure that he's not going to bother you for the rest of the day now," he said, feeling nothing but pride soaring in his heart for her.

And just as he finished speaking, other people from the hall came rushing to her cubicle to tell her how wonderfully she had dealt with Oliver.

_________________________________________________________

[PREVIOUS CHAPTER]   Ch-1; Ch-2; Ch-3; Ch-4; Ch-5   [NEXT CHAPTER]

[thepoliticalpatient]

My views on 2020, part 1: Healthcare plans

I know I am just one voice of many, but for what it's worth, I'd like to type out my views on the 2020 candidates and the current state of the healthcare debate with regards to Medicare for All, a public option, etc. It is a nuanced view, one that I have put a lot of thought into. In this first post, I'll be discussing some of the healthcare plans that are on the table. I plan to write a part 2 soon, which will be about my views on the 2020 Democratic candidates.

As a spoiler alert, my opinions on this topic are not the farthest-left-possible point of view. I expect to be criticized for this if this post gains any traction. So before you call me a neoliberal shill, please know that I am a person with a chronic illness who believes fiercely in the right to healthcare as a human right regardless of ability to pay. I do not personally have any stake in any particular proposal except insofar as I need a functioning healthcare system in order to survive. I am myself vulnerable to being harmed by the pitfalls of our current system; I'm genuinely not out here to defend the status quo. But I am also vulnerable to being harmed if a new system is not implemented carefully. My priority is the protection of the vulnerable, alongside expanding healthcare access to every single person in this country.

My closest-held positions in healthcare are:

We need universal healthcare - every single person in this country must have healthcare coverage.

The most vulnerable patients must be protected - I will not embrace a plan that seeks to cut costs by refusing patients access to certain expensive treatments. I will not throw the most vulnerable patients under the bus in exchange for whatever perks the new plan might offer.

We need to be thoughtful about how we go about making changes to the healthcare system - I am not of the mindset that the system is so broken that we have nothing to lose by burning it to the ground and starting from scratch. Ask any person whose life depends on continuous access to healthcare - if the transition is mishandled in such a way that people's access to care is interrupted, people will die, and that is unacceptable to me.

Note that number or nature of payers is not on my list, as I am somewhat more agnostic on that issue. While I understand and recognize some of the advantages that a pure single-payer system might have above other options, I am not of the position that single-payer or abolishing private payers is the only way to achieve an equitable healthcare system.

Let me expand on each item now.

We need universal healthcare.

Many people do not seem to see the distinction between universal healthcare and single-payer, or understand that single-payer is not the only way to achieve univeral healthcare. Universal healthcare simply means a system in which everyone has healthcare coverage. It does not imply that the system does not contain private payers, or that there is only one payer. I am ride-or-die on universality in our healthcare system but I am open to many paths to achieving it.

The most vulnerable patients must be protected.

Some examples of ways in which even a very progressive healthcare universal healthcare proposal might not adequately protect vulnerable patients are:

Allowing the use of formularies. A formulary is a list of treatments that are covered by the plan. Most if not all insurance plans - under private and public payers alike - in today's system include a formulary. If you need something that is not on the list, you and you doctor have to do a bunch of paperwork basically begging the insurer to cover it; if they refuse you are SOL.

Excluding coverage for long-term services and supports (i.e. care in the home or in a nursing home for people who cannot live independently).

Medicare for America is the only bill that I know for sure bans formularies and covers LTSS. I believe Bernie's Medicare for All bill now covers LTSS (after activists lobbied them to include them; it didn't originally). Bernie's Medicare for All bill involves a formulary.1

One could argue that because plans in the current system usually include formularies, and often don't cover LTSS, that moving forward with a Medicare for All bill that also has these issues would not be a regression. I don't agree. If the entire nation is put on one public plan, but that plan has a formulary, what is a patient who needs a treatment that is not on the formulary going to do? At least under the current system, if their current plan excludes a treatment they need, they have the possibility of finding and switching to another plan that will cover it. In the single-payer scenario, they'd have to literally leave the country to get access to their treatment.

We need to be thoughtful about how we go about making changes to the healthcare system.

There is a certain crowd whose argument is "people are dying NOW; this is urgent; we need to make sweeping changes as fast as we can." I see and respect that argument. I am with you in my disgust and despair over the fact that people are dying under our current system.

I do not agree that the system can't get any worse. Are these folks so quick to forget the days before the Affordable Care Act? Like it or not, there is the potential for severe harm and death if the transition is mishandled. While I agree the issue is urgent and should be addressed quickly, I just don't believe that we can afford to rush this.

I also personally think that the "burn it all down" crowd in general tend to oversimplify the issue. They often assume that if we adopt Medicare for All, it will "just work." Some assume that single-payer implies that every treatment will be covered (it doesn't; rationing can and does occur under public payers. This happens in the US now, under Medicare & Medicaid, and it happens in other countries who have government-run single-payer systems). They also don't tend to acknowledge some of the facts that complicate a transition to a more equitable healthcare system. Let's discuss some of those:

We have a physician shortage in the US.

One step in becoming a doctor is completing a residency; Medicare pays for the majority of residencies currently, but the number of slots they pay for was capped by the Balanced Budget Act of 1997 as a cost-saving measure.2 Medicare for America is, to my knowledge, the only bill that addresses the physician shortage by removing this cap. Worse, reversing this shortage will take time. Even if we remove the cap today, we won't see the benefits for a decade or so while a new generation of doctors complete their training. So any bill hoping to expand coverage to everybody - which we absolutely need to do - needs to at least be cognizant that there will be a period of time in which our supply of physicians may not be wholly sufficient to meet the demand of 28 million people newly gaining insurance.3 Some consequences of this could include an increase in wait times to see a doctor, which is dangerous to patients experiencing urgent health problems. We need to have a plan for this. We can't handwave it away. Of course, our current method of rationing, which just completely excludes people who can't afford health coverage from accessing care, isn't acceptable either.

The break-even rate for most hospitals is at about 110% of Medicare rates, on average.

This means that most hospitals today actually lose money on Medicare patients, and those of us not on Medicare subsidize them by paying more than our share. To the best of my knowledge, Bernie's Medicare for All bill basically ignores this fact and proposes paying hospitals at Medicare rates.1 Some hospitals would probably be able to find ways to become leaner and survive under this payment plan, but many others would likely go under. Medicare for America and Elizabeth Warren's health plan both propose paying out at 110% of Medicare rates.1,4

It's worth noting that we should look critically at why exactly hospitals in the US have such a high break-even point! I know it is generally true that we pay much more per capita on healthcare in the US than any other country,5 but the reasons for this aren't straight-forward and cannot be explained by greed alone. The hospitals are not simply pocketing the extra money; their profit margins alone are not high enough to explain the discrepancy. Our doctors and nurses have higher salaries than they do in other countries,6 but before we propose slashing their pay, we need to consider that this could worsen our already troublesome physician shortage. I do think there is potential to get leaner here without sacrificing on the quality of our care (I recommend the book An American Sickness by Elisabeth Rosenthal for digging deeply into this topic), but the adjustment will be turbulent and take time. In my opinion, it is not realistic or reasonable to just start paying hospitals at a vastly lower rate and expect them to be able to figure out how to quickly adjust and emerge unscathed.

Let's talk about drug development.

This is an especially complex issue, in my opinion, because companies that develop drugs are paid by patients and healthcare systems all around the world. Remember how I said before that hospitals in the US lose money on Medicare patients, and recoup those losses by charging privately insured patients more, resulting in privately insured patients subsidizing the healthcare costs of Medicare patients? The same thing is happening on a global scale with drug prices internationally. People in other countries are paying much lower prices than we are for drugs, in many cases well below the break-even point for drug development companies, and we in the US are paying so damn much that we are essentially subsidizing drug development for the rest of the world.7 To this end, we can't simply say "let's start paying a lot less for drugs like the rest of the world does" and expect that decision to come with no consequences.

I'm loathe to defend PhRMA; the industry is greedy, it holds our lives for hostage, and it is not okay. But, research & development is genuinely expensive. When setting the price of a drug, we have to consider not just the materials and manufacturing process - other considerations include the expense that the drug company incurred researching that drug, running clinical trials, and getting it approved for use by the FDA, which is a process that typically takes over a decade. Furthermore, they have to recoup the costs they incurred on all the other drugs they tried to develop but which didn't make it all the way through the pipeline and into the market; only 1 out of every 5000 compounds researched in the laboratory results in a drug that makes it to market.8 We simply cannot drastically slash drug prices and expect drug companies to be able to sustain R&D at their current rates.

That said, I refuse to buy into the conservative talking point that we must choose between completely unrestricted prices that bar some patients from accessing drugs at all and "stifling innovation" with price controls. One suggestion that I think has a lot of potential is to switch from our current system of awarding intellectual property rights to companies that develop new drugs - essentially giving them a monopoly on the medication for several years, leaving them free to charge whatever they damn please for it - to a system in which companies that develop innovative new drugs are simply awarded a cash prize, but anyone can sell the new drug right away, allowing competition to reduce prices on that drug immediately.9 I don’t believe any of the major healthcare bills out there today would implement this system, though.

So let's look at the ways in which various bills have proposed controlling drug prices. As I already mentioned, Bernie's Medicare for All bill includes a formulary to keep prices down. The way a formulary helps control prices is it gives payers the ability to just say "no, we won't buy this drug at this price" to a drug company, forcing the drug company to either forgo that payer’s business or come back with a better offer. A formulary boasts considerably more clout in a single-payer system, because if the only payer in the US won't pay for the drug, then the drug company essentially doesn't get to sell their drug in the US (except perhaps to the super-rich who could pay with cash).

I've already discussed why I don't consider a formulary an acceptable price control measure: it's too harmful to patients. If the government payer and the drug company can't reach an understanding on a price point at which to sell a medication, it just...won't be available to anybody to use in the US. So if you're dependent on Humira today to maintain your health, and we pass Medicare for All, and Humira doesn’t make it onto the formulary, you just...don't get your Humira. And that's not acceptable to me.

Medicare for America takes a better approach here in my opinion. In the case of a stand-off between the government payer and the drug company, instead of punishing the drug company by just saying "no, I'm not buying," under Medicare for America, the government would punish the drug company by taking away their exclusivity rights on the drug. This does a couple of things - first it provides a powerful incentive to the drug company to strike a deal with the government on the price, because they want to maintain their IP. Secondly, in the case that the stand-off persists, it allows other drug companies to sell the drug, thus introducing competition and most likely lowering the price.

---

So I’ve discussed a lot of concerns here and how some of the plans would address (or not address) them. A lot of single-payer purists try to drown out these concerns by saying "who cares about PhRMA's/hospitals’/physicians’ bottom line; people are dying; single-payer NOW NOW NOW" which, again, I understand and respect their sense of urgency on this issue, but these are real questions that need to get answered; passing a bill that does not have answers to these sorts of questions will likely plunge our healthcare system into an unacceptable level of chaos; people will be harmed.

You've probably gathered by now that the bill I like best is Medicare for America. Medicare for America would achieve universal healthcare, but not under a single-payer system, at least not immediately. It proposes that we quickly set up a public option - a government-run healthcare plan that anyone can buy into. This public option would come to replace Medicare, Medicaid, and the ACA's individual marketplace plans, with people who are currently on any of these plans, or uninsured, being automatically enrolled in the new public plan. The plan would offer comprehensive coverage, and it would be completely free for anyone making less than 200% of the federal poverty level; people making over 600% of FPL would be charged no more 9.69% of their income; people with incomes between those two extremes would be charged smaller percentages of their income.10 I like this payment scheme because scaling according to income ensures that the plan remains affordable to all; it’s conceptually similar to funding a single-payer system via a progressive tax that scales according to income.

I think the main reason that Medicare for America has gotten a bad reputation from single-payer purists as being a "half-measure" is because it preserves the role of private insurance for the time being. It would allow people who get private insurance through their employer to continue doing so. Such private plans would be required to meet strict quality regulations. People who don't like the plans offered by their employer would be free to buy the public option, which is great news for people who don’t like how insurance is tied to employment under the current system. And employers would also have the option to stop offering private insurance and to instead send their employees into the public option; in that situation, the employer would subsidize the premium for their employees.

I would like to push back on the characterization of Medicare for America as a half-measure. It would in fact almost certainly lead to us adopting a single-payer system in the long term. Newborns would be automatically enrolled in the public option, meaning that the share of the market still using private plans would shrink over time until there was no market at all. Some people call this a "slow-glide" approach to single-payer. I really like the idea of slow-glide, because it allows the transition to happen gradually over time, eliminating the potential chaos that might ensue from trying to the shift two-thirds of the population who are currently on private plans3 onto a public plan over a very short transition period (4 years under Bernie's bill; only 2 years under the House’s version of Medicare for All1).

I do like the idea of single-payer because of the way it allows us to trim fat such as administrative costs and profit margins from the healthcare system. Healthcare is expensive on its face; we really don't need parasitic profit-seeking insurance companies adding to the costs. I like that Medicare for America gets us there eventually. I don't think there is any need to be in a huge hurry to get there immediately. Universality is the part that's urgent - and Medicare for America gets us to universality just as readily as Medicare for All does.

Most of my other wonky reasons for preferring Medicare for America over Medicare for All are described earlier in this post.

My second favorite health plan is Elizabeth Warren’s flavor of Medicare for All, in short because there is evidence that she has thought deeply about transition, it pays out at 110% of Medicare rates as mentioned earlier, and her payment plan is clearly laid out and excludes some unpopular options such as a middle class tax increase. The text of Bernie’s bill does not lay out how it’s paid for, but he has informally proposed some ideas, one of which includes a tax on anyone making $29,000 or more. Warren’s plan also uses a methodology for dealing with drug prices that’s similar to Medicare for America’s approach rather than a formulary.4

It is very disappointing to me that certain contingents of the left feel the need to disparage anyone who isn't for "pure" Medicare for All regardless of their reasons. Even Ady Barkan, who is perhaps the healthcare and disability rights community's greatest champion, has been receiving incredible quantities of hate recently for questioning the feasibility of passing Medicare for All and for endorsing Elizabeth Warren over Bernie Sanders. I hope that if you have read my entire post, you will see that my concerns about Medicare for All stem from my deep passion for protecting the most vulnerable disabled and medically complex patients in our country.

This has been long. Thanks for reading.

Citations

1 My basis for these claims is this comparison/fact sheet that Kaiser Family Foundation (a source for healthcare information that I trust very much) put together; the reason for the hedging language in my statements is that this document is only up-to-date as of May of this year, so it’s possible that the bills have changed in the meantime. http://files.kff.org/attachment/Table-Side-by-Side-Comparison-Medicare-for-all-Public-Plan-Proposals-116th-Congress 2 https://www.studentdoctor.net/2017/01/24/medical-students-know-fight-residency-caps/ 3 https://www.census.gov/library/publications/2019/demo/p60-267.html 4 https://medium.com/@teamwarren/ending-the-stranglehold-of-health-care-costs-on-american-families-bf8286b13086 5 https://www.healthsystemtracker.org/chart-collection/how-do-healthcare-prices-and-use-in-the-u-s-compare-to-other-countries/#item-the-average-price-of-a-caesarean-section-in-the-u-s-is-higher-than-in-comparable-countries-with-available-data_2018 6 https://www.cnbc.com/2018/03/22/the-real-reason-medical-care-costs-so-much-more-in-the-us.html 7 https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2016/11/30/12945756/prescription-drug-prices-explained 8 https://www.pharmaceutical-journal.com/publications/tomorrows-pharmacist/drug-development-the-journey-of-a-medicine-from-lab-to-shelf/20068196.article?firstPass=false 9 https://www.who.int/intellectualproperty/news/Submission-Hollis6-Oct.pdf 10 https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2019/3/18/18270857/medicare-for-all-beto-orourke-2020-policies-voxcare

[amaradangeli]

A few notes for twenty-somethings...

Renting a place to live is a-okay (even for Adults) - I know owning a home is the American Dream (TM) but let’s get real. Home ownership is expensive. And there are TONS of benefits to renting. You know what happens when your air conditioning quits and you own your home? You get an expensive bill from a repair company. You know what happens with your AC quits and you rent? You call your landlord/management company. Property taxes are a real (often expensive) thing. Homeowner’s insurance is straight up required (if you have a mortgage) yet there are many incentives not to use it. Neighborhoods change. Homeowner’s associations are earthly representations of hell. It’s totally possible to still have space and yard and gardens if that’s what you want. And no, you’re not throwing money away when you pay rent each month.

You’re never going to save for retirement by giving up Starbucks and Netflix - I’m not saying that you should be irresponsible with money. And I’m not saying that you shouldn’t save for retirement. But I’m telling you that (unless you’re spending 20% of your income each month on life’s little perks) retirement money is a much bigger deal. In round numbers, if it’s possible, your rent should be less than 25% of your income. Your expenses (everything from car to electricity to groceries) should be 50% of your income, and the rest should be savings. Because not only are you going to need to retire someday, but you’re also going to need to replace the transmission or radiator in your car at some point (trust me, if you own a car, it’s going to happen one day). But here’s the thing... that’s the “ideal” plan. Life is seldom ideal. So if you can’t make those numbers work, don’t beat yourself up. (And buy yourself a cup dessert coffee every once in a while, life’s short.)

It’s okay to not love your job - Sure, life is more fun (and a helluva lot easier) if you get paid to do your hobby. But you aren’t somehow deficient if your job is a means to a paycheck. You know the phrase “work to live, don’t live to work”? Embrace that. Your job is (hopefully) around 40 hours of your week. That’s 1/4 of your week, all told. Now, sleep is a thing and you should be doing some of that. But that leaves a lot of other hours to pursue your dreams and passions.

That said, it’s not okay to actively loathe your job - Because your mental health is important. If your workplace is toxic to you (because of the people, the environment or the tasks) it’s time to move on. But the best time to look for a job is when you already have one. So keep your eyes peeled for other opportunities. Sometimes other opportunities require an investment (of time or money or both) so keep your head down and find ways to express and care for yourself while you’re trying to make a move.

Life gets more complicated, sure, but this is not your only chance to do the thing - Travel, education, relationships, whatever... it’s all available to you past the age of 30. Do what you need to do to make your life as good as it can be right now, don’t make things more difficult than they need to be by grabbing an ill-timed opportunity because it’s a “once in a lifetime deal”. I’m here from the future to tell you that almost nothing is “once in a lifetime”. Also, you can create opportunities for yourself when you build a solid foundation and live a life with options.

But, it’s definitely easier to do college when you’re young - Especially if someone else (parents, scholarships, etc) are paying for it. College isn’t for everyone, but if it’s for you, go for it, grab onto it with gusto. It’s SO MUCH EASIER to do if you can embrace the experience and not split your attention between work and family commitments. 

Happiness is a thing you work for - And not just you. All of us. It might take therapy, medication, separation, education, validation, or just plain determination, but it’s possible. You’ll have to give some things up to be happy. That’s okay. You’re also going to have to go out and actively seek other things to be happy. It’s not a default setting. And if it’s not easy to achieve, you’re not defective. Some people say happiness is a choice you make. They’re not entirely wrong. But it’s not a choice you can make and then not work towards. And stumbling along the way doesn’t invalidate all the happy that came before or the happy that will come after. No road you will walk in this life will be without challenges. 

Above all, make friends who are different than you - It’s absolutely imperative that you associate with people who think differently than you do (and than your parents did). It will challenge your perceptions of the world and that’s important. You were born knowing nothing and as you move through life, no matter how much you learn, you will be continually presented with situations in which you still know nothing. The network of people you build is your resource and they will make you a better person. The most valuable education you’ll ever get is the one you didn’t pay tuition for.

[stardustjunkie]

On Family & Ancestral Healing Disclaimer: Its long! The background story is first, insights at the end. I don't think it's a coincidence that as I've deepened my relationship with the medicine I've also been deepening my connection with my bloodline. Working with Grandmother has shown me how to more effectively and tenderly work with my Grandmother! Now, there are many bloodlines running through my body, but this particular work is regarding my matrilineal side, my Lebanese-Armenian family, with whom I grew up with and spent most of my childhood years around. My grandmother, Makrouhi Arabajian, now Margaret Thatje, helped raise me from birth till we moved from California to Wisconsin when I was about 9 years old. My sister and I would fly back to visit once or twice a year, but as I got older the trips were less and less. Being the first born, my grandmother always felt a special connection to me and spoiled me rotten. She's responsible for my early sugar addiction and love of musicals! Getting older and better understanding the intricacies of a family dynamic, I learned just how difficult life was growing up for my mother and uncle, and how challenging spending time with my grandmother can be. Without going into too much detail, my grandmother was the first in her family to immigrate to America from Lebanon. she came here alone at 24 years old with a husband who was 35 years her senior and totally emotionally unavailable. This is my grandfather, Adebeg, who I knew at 4 years old as an old man who fed me sugar cubes and scared me wth his dentures. I now have his gold front teeth as a necklace from my uncle. So, being alone in a new world is pretty frightening. She was put to work immediately and, being a rebel, had to learn all the ways a woman "should" act and perform as a "good wife." She had children, my uncle Ademar and my mother Laila. They grew up isolated, lonely, over-protected, and without a voice. Though fiercely loved, it was a love from a mother who had nothing but her children in this new world, at least until the rest of the family came to the US. This fear of losing what she had was manifested in being that kind of person who covers their furniture in plastic to protect it, if that gives you any sort of simple context. My mother and uncle endured some neglect from their birth father and abuse from their step father. My uncle is gay and unable to share that part of his life, which because of his conditioned self-loathing isn't really a life. He got a good job that allows him to visit his mother often and take care of her. My mom got married, gave her mother grandchildren, divorced twice and continued to battle her deep depression and high anxiety. Being older and able to see the complex weavings of my family dynamic and being someone who is so dedicated to healing and understanding, I have all kinds of new perspectives and approaches thanks to Ayahuasca and my personal experiences through emotional wild fires. After my first experience working with Ayahuasca in March, in a beautiful, transformative, life changing 4-day ceremony, I was compelled to see my grandmother (among many other things I was compelled to do and not do, hehe). I budgeted and booked a flight for June, right after my second round of ceremony. That entire visit felt like one long, intensive healing quest. I was still riding the post-ceremony euphoric clarity and that allowed me to anchor in love, to be patient and curious in the face of challenge and disruption. I was able to, for the first time, really connect with my uncle and see his pain. He's focused on his mother and her wellbeing for so long that it's become an obsession that's sucking the vitality out of his life. He's consistently on edge, suffers frequent panic attacks, out bursts of anger, lethargic depression, and decision paralysis. All from a place of love and concern, but expressed in a way that is depleting his personal reserves and distracting him from the path of healing by redirecting attention away from himself. My grandma is a whole other story! To keep it brief, she's a born-again a Christian who's extremely stubborn, hypocritical, progressive when it comes to the heart of a matter but conditioned to be rather critical of absolutely everything on the surface. She glosses over conflict, wants the best from you but only if it's in the way she thinks is best, and loves to sing Armenian church hymns as morning prayer even though she lost her voice. She's hilarious, generous, so strong, and really a trail blazer. Last visit I considered moving back to Los Angeles to be closer to her. One of my jobs is as a caregiver for dementia patients. I thought, "Why am I caring for someone else's grandmother when I can be taking care of my own?" I considered indigenous beliefs systems regarding family, community, and caring for elders and how in our western world we've moved away from communal care because of the productivity based work schedules this life under capitalism and hegemony require. I considered who and what I'd be leaving behind, the sacrifices and compromises, and what sort of unknowns I'd be embracing. The ocean called to me, and I wanted to return to her. I was pretty convinced for a couple weeks. I waiting till I was back home and settled to reconsider such a huge move. Now, I've decided that I have much work I want to do in Milwaukee, and my community and creative endeavors thst are in Wisconsin are still alive and growing. Also, I want to be close to ceremony and my rebel family, the community that we cultivate and nourish. Now that I'm here again, a month later, Im seeing that my decision was the right one. My grabdmother is 87 and lives alone. She still drives, cooks for herself, cares for a delicious fig tree and lush rose garden. Shes got some health issues of course, but ultimately is pretty damn great for her age! I'm able to sit with her, listen to her stories and extract all kinds of wisdom through the broken English that weaves in French, Arabic, and Armenian words. I see that some of her health issues are mine- her having lost her voice but still singing as prayer, her digestive issues, her addiction to sweets. I have learned to receive messages of healing and guidance all around me. I have grown in patience and learned when to engage and when to float. I see now that the thorn is in my uncle's side. This trip has been energetically heavy and sludgey compared to last time. My uncle arrived on edge and hasn't moved from it. Yesterday his mounting stress, anxiety, and suppressed feelings erupted in a temper tantrum during a 3 hour car ride home from a family gathering. I knew what was going on, so I didn't breach the subject, making sure to allow some space on what was rather close quarters. instead, I focused on what I could've done better, what I could do moving forward. I sat in silent meditation in the passenger seat. Letting my mind and spirit journey, seeing myself as someone who can see the truth so clearly, but often burns when I should warm. I saw that because I know better in this situation, I have to be the one to do better. That though my perceptions may be right, my delivery is the most important part. I noticed that when it comes to a family members pain I have a hard time feeling compassionate. I get annoyed, irritated, angry. I want to tell them to get their shit together because I'm only 27 and who the fuck is helping me out? I allowed myself to see this part of me in my mind, to see where it arises in my body. I then asked myself why I cannot look at his pain? Why is it so uncomfortable to see an adult family member so vulnerable and suffering? I looked, in my mind, at his pain. I saw that he felt isolated, alone, and deeply lost to himself. I saw that I couldn't look at it because it was my pain, too. Then I asked for my higher self to elevate me to a vantage point of love. To see love in everyone and everything! Stop look passed ego and personalities and to see the love, the angel, the child within. To learn to soften into tender compassion. To break the uncomfortable barrier of affection and hold him of he needed it. I prayed to Ayahuasca to help me move this energy, to see where I am creating blockages, to see where I can provide support, where I can offer healing and love. I am being shown when to blaze and when to warm (to use Justin Tilley's words). I slept on it. In the morning I went for a walk while Ademar was doing work in the garden before the clear, bright, hot sun moved in. I sang what I call Chaos Songs- free association melodies and words, even if nonsense, with the intention of love and healing. I returned to my grandmothers mobile home and Ademar immediately came to apologize. I invited him to sit with me on the porch and talk. He explained everything that I already knew- his mounting anxiety, his feelings of being out of control, the helplessness, feeling isolated, the eruption. He started to cry. Just like in my vision, I was able to hold him, to tell him he's safe and I love him. We discussed how he spends all his time and energy focused on helping his mother and so has neglected to help himself. I encouraged him to find therapy back home, since the company he works for is really creative, progressive, and offers amazing insurance. He agreed. We discussed that grandma is really actually alright, and now it's him that needs the love and support. Now the sun is climbing higher, the air is hot and dry. My uncle is resting on the couch (that no longer is covered with plastic), my grandmother is awake and making Turkish coffee, I am washing figs and spooning olives into a bowl. Thank you for reading. Thank you to our plant teachers, to Ayahuasca for her terrifying, beautiful, infinite love and power. Thank you for these opportunities for growth. Thank you for this experience of life.