#also catch me crying at buck trying SO hard to come up with something chim likes only for chim to hate it so much 😭😭😭

[lovecolibri]

Okay. I am relegating myself to making ONE (1) salty post tonight after watching the whole episode (no promises about reblogs tho) so here we go.

Kenny deserves an Emmy, and he ALWAYS delivers on dramatic scenes in a way that makes me physically ache, so I'm not here to wish this episode was LESS about Chim and I want to make that clear.

I talked about how the tone (not content specifically, but TONE) was SO wildly off from what was teased that it threw me for a loop, and I stand by that. But what is really getting to me after sitting with it, is that a wedding episode is supposed to be a celebration of the couple getting married. So why the FUCK did Doug get more time that Maddie? I get having a Doug callback, I really do but some of the stuff he said was SO outta pocket and really stole a lot of the wedding joy because it was so focused on him being a creep instead of Chim focusing on and thinking about Maddie and his daughter and being guided by the ghost of the brother he lost.

I just- Chim loves old movies and karaoke and Buck tried so hard to make a party Chim would love! That we the audience immediately clocked at the first promo was something Chim would love since he's always the one making movie references and Buck and Maddie famously don't know old movies and weren't into pop culture growing up. We could have had an 80s action movie/The Hangover crossover of something wild happening to Chim where he disappears, and then the boys get pushed into hard partying by someone involved in that mess, and waking up and having to retrace their steps to find Chim while Maddie coordinates from dispatch and Chim gets to be the action hero and fight to get home. It could have been stressful and still included some deeply dramatic moments for Chim, while still being fun and centering Chim and Maddie and their love story as the duo of the episode. Instead, we got Doug's abuse of Maddie during their marriage centered in multiple scenes and it just makes me feel icky 🤷🏻‍♀️

Again, Kenny slayed everything and the ceremony was cute (but like, WHO were all those people???? Do they even know any of them??), but we spent three weeks getting promised a VERY-intentionally-styled-like-the-Hangover missing groom episode with a fun party and what looked like Action Hero Chim, only to get something SO dramatically different that it was a little whiplash-y. I have other thoughts about the Buckley Parents 🙄 and about the weird choice to have Buck and Eddie absolutely hammered with no explanation when we have literally never seen any of them even kinda tipsy (of their own volition) but that's for another day. For now, I'll just say, Madney have a hard fought love, but one filled with SO much joy and SO much laughter and fun, and it would have been nice to see more of that played up for their big episode rather than focusing so much on a dead man who beat his wife. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Give Kenny an Emmy tho for realsies.

[itwoodbeprefect]

911 season 7 episode 3!!!

fjkdf i love when we get a little montage to introduce minor characters in the episode, and i love when that's fun, and i think this family is fun (corey!), but they really got me when the grandmother went "we need to get to the lifeboats. i want a good seat!"

the thing about 911 is. the thing about 911 is that at some point i WILL end up crying a little from the stress of the awful terrible horrible situations these fictional characters end up in

"dead men don't bleed." bobby throwing out a banger of a revenge western title

"what are you all doing! on the ceiling!!!" that's a VERY good question, norman.

i'm, let's say, a little skeptical of the real world feasability of this rope and climbing rescue plan bobby is executing, but i do love when 911 goes hey! what the fuck! enjoy some action movie shenanigans!

"wish buck could have seen you do that." "honestly, i would have much rather seen buck do that." <3

love the way maddie is trying to have a phone conversation with chim but buck and eddie keep half joining in, like kids in the back seat of the car only catching half the conversation between their parents.

"so who's missing, bobby and athena or hen?" "yes." one of those lines that's extremely obviously something the writers set up for themselves, but i can't fault them for it, because i will admit i do like a corny overused joke.

"how are you feeling?" "like my world's been turned upside-down." man, this is a guy who knows how to milk his situation for fitting witty comments. first the whole gambling thing, now this.

"hen, where are you?" oh, she's just doing illegal paperwork. <3

dear god. so far, counting the communications officer who died last episode, this is turning out to be a survivable emergency unless you're a black man.

OH. OKAY.

so this is where tommy shows up!!

"could be why i haven't been getting your christmas cards." fdjkfd.

i felt like i'd probably seen every scene with tommy in it giffed ten different ways by now, but i did NOT see much of this, or realize that this is how he came back into the picture. good for him. he's immediately making up for past bad behavior by randomly having hen's back.

oh, of course. not random!! it's family, doing ill-advised heroic things that should get them fired togetherrrr. <3

"oh, i think this is an open channel." "do you, buck? do you really?" fjkdfd.

awwww. the 118: WHO CARES. 💪

always a fun time when the guy behind the controls of the helicopter says you're probably all going to die anyway!

lola: "i've never been with another man." norman: "neither have i!" ?? evan buckley, SECOND bi character this season

mr. doctor stepping up!! love that for him!!

"well, unless you feel like swimming back, that's all we've got." i do love this personality they've given tommy!

also, i realize tommy's last name is kinard, which has entirely different origins, but i keep hearing canard, as in french for duck, which would be kind of funny for a man flying over water.

tommy being stupidly willing to go along with the 118's stupid let's-just-maybe-all-die-here-for-hen's-hunch plan! i adore that this is how we're introduced to him again, it's so good, hard not to immediately love him.

guy who's been very rightfully and realistically skeptical of their chances of survival from the start: "but there's nothing out there." [helicopter noises] < continuing the tradition of characters with a normal reasonable view of the world being smugly proven wrong on this show, fjdkfd.

the thank you for choosing oceanis blue last words, oh my god. very goofy.

"i'm not supposed to go with strangers." corey, i love you.

"what are we gonna do?" "we're gonna keep trying." damn if that isn't bobby coming up with a way better line than buck's off the top of his head. the 118: we're gonna keep trying.

fjdkfd sorry but if you're bobby trying to rescue a little kid and the door above you closes up and you can't get it open and the water keeps rising and you're about to drown (again), and then the door DOES suddenly pop open and buck and eddie in full gear are grinning down at you when there's supposed to be absolutely ZERO chance of them even being on this sinking ship in the middle of the ocean in a hurricane to begin with, i think that maybe, for at least a quick second there, you might think that this time you finally did die.

ohoho! see this, of course, i did see giffed.

hen thanking maddie is good. bobby calling hen captain is great. bobby and athena getting back home and taking their fast food into the bedroom is lovely. love when there's at least a little time to wind down from the episode. <3

[thegirlwithataser]

hey hey, could you write buck and eddie in a car accident with hurt!buck and love confession from eddie? thank youu

Hi! Thank you so much for this prompt, I hope I did it justice. I really enjoyed writing this, so let me know what you think!

If you have a prompt for anything surrounding 911 on Fox send it to me and I can almost guarantee I'll write it for you!

You can also read this on ao3!

Never Letting You Go

Eddie doesn’t mean to tell Buck that he’s in love with him as the other man bleeds out. It just kind of happens.

They’d been driving back to Eddie’s house after a shift, Buck offering to drive Eddie to and from work while his truck was in the shop. They’d been joking about something Chimney had said during shift when Eddie saw a truck careening towards them, running the red light and going at least seventy-five in a forty-five. Eddie had barely gotten out Buck’s name in warning before the Jeep jolted and everything spun.

Eddie comes back to the present slowly. His vision is blurry and he tastes something metallic. Blood, his mind supplies. His ears are ringing and for a moment he can’t remember where he is.

It all crashes back to him as his vision clears partially. Car accident. They were in a car accident. The jeep seems to be upright, but there’s glass everywhere and the metal frame of the car is bent unnaturally.

Buck, Eddie’s mind screams at him. Where is Buck?

Eddie turns his head, sending a sharp pain to his shoulder as he moves.

His breath rushes right out of him when he looks at his best friend in the driver’s seat. His eyes are closed and there’s blood trickling down his face. Too much blood. Buck isn’t moving and Eddie can’t tell if he’s breathing. Frantically, he tries to reach over to Buck but he can’t move. Seatbelt, right.

Eddie groans as he manages to unclick his seatbelt. He extends his arms, bruised, but not broken, and sighs in relief. He’s able to maneuver himself closer to Buck with some difficulty, forcefully ignoring the throbbing in his head and focusing on getting them out of this. Alive, preferably.

Buck still isn’t moving but looking closely, Eddie can see the shallow rise and fall of the other man’s chest.

“Buck,” he says. His voice is scratchy and desperate but he doesn’t care. Buck has to be ok. He’s going to be. Eddie reaches over and puts his hand on Buck’s cheek. “Buck, come on, I need you to wake up.” Nothing happens. Eddie is panicking now. “Buck! Wake up, damn it!”

Buck doesn’t respond. Eddie drops his hand from Buck’s face and his head rolls to the side. Eddie forces his knees under him on the seat so he can lean over Buck and assess the damage.

Buck’s left arm is visibly broken, but that will heal. Eddie can’t see his legs, so he has no idea if they’re broke or not. He prays that they’re fine, Buck can’t handle redoing the crush injury from the fire truck. There’s blood on Buck’s shirt and Eddie reaches out to pull it up. There’s a long gash on Buck’s abdomen, deep enough that he’s going to need stitches. There’s another cut on Buck’s neck. It looks like it missed the carotid but it’s bleeding heavily. That combined with the cut on Buck’s abdomen and the cuts on his head could mean that he’ll bleed out if they don’t get help soon.

Eddie takes off his own shirt, faintly registering that there’s blood on it. He must be bleeding somewhere, but he can’t bring himself to care right now. “Buck, please, you need to wake up.” Eddie puts the shirt on the gash on Buck’s torso and presses down hard, hoping to stem the blood flow. “Buck,” he sobs, “Buck, you have to wake up. Wake up! Buck, don’t leave me, don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to Christopher. Please, Buck, we need you, I need you. Buck! Please, I love you, you can’t die, not like this.”

Eddie is truly crying now, desperate to hear his best friend's voice, to see the light in his eyes when he laughs.

Eddie hears Buck groan right as he hears the sirens and he nearly sobs in relief. “Buck, that’s it, wake up.” Eddie wipes the blood away from Buck’s eyes, still pressing his other hand over the cut on his stomach. “Come on, Buck.”

“Ed—“ Buck’s voice catches in his throat. His eyes blink open slowly, but only slightly and Eddie lets out another sob.

“I’m here, Buck, I’m right here.” Buck’s eyes flutter closed again and Eddie’s panic is back. “Hey, no, you gotta stay awake for me. Buck, open your eyes.”

With what looks like a considerable amount of effort, Buck opens his eyes. He mutters incoherently but Eddie nods. “I’ve got you, help us coming, you just have to stay awake.”

Buck nods before groaning in pain. A paramedic runs up to the car, bag in hand being followed closely by a firefighter holding jaws. Eddie nearly passed out from relief.

What comes next is more of a blur than anything else. They get Buck out of the car first and onto a stretcher, rushing him over to an ambulance. Eddie goes next, and honestly doesn’t remember much of the ride to the hospital.

Doctors rush around the emergency room as he gets checked out. A few cuts that need stitches and a mild concussion but overall he’ll be fine. He asks everyone that passes him if they know anything about an Evan Buckley but no one will tell him anything.

What if—no. No, he’s not doing that to himself, he’s not letting himself go down that road.

“Dad!” Eddie whips his head around too fast and feels a sharp pain behind his eyes. Chris is coming towards him as fast as he can with Carla’s hand on his shoulder.

“Chris,” Eddie breathes out, deliriously grateful to see his son. He pulls him into a tight hug, hoping he never has to let go.

“Dad,” Chris repeats into his neck, holding him just as tightly. “Are you ok?”

Eddie pulls back slightly to brush a piece of hair away from his son’s eyes and give him a watery smile. “Yeah, buddy, I’m ok?”

Chris nods, looking unsure. “Where’s Buck?”

Eddie chokes back a sob, looking out at the emergency room, then to Carla, then back to Chris. “I’m not sure, but we’ll see him as soon as we can, ok?”

Carla puts a hand on Eddie’s shoulder reassuringly. “I’ll go see what I can find out.”

She disappears around the corner, presumably to go harass some nurses into telling her what they know. Eddie helps Chris onto the bed and settles back against the pillows, holding his son close. He starts to drift off immediately, even though he knows he needs to stay awake.

“Eddie, oh my god,” Maddie’s voice snaps him back to reality and he stares groggily at her.

“Maddie?” he finally manages to say.

She sighs, eyes roaming over him, obviously trying to assess the damage. “I was on my way to work when they called about Evan. The nurse says he’s still in surgery but directed me to you,” she explains before he’s able to ask.

“Did she say anything else?” Eddie asks, fully awake now and desperate to see Buck.

Maddie shakes her head, looking like she’s barely holding back tears. “No, she didn’t. God, what happened?”

Eddie closes his eyes, fighting back tears as well. “There was a car accident, a truck sped through a red light and hit the driver’s side. I don’t remember much else, but it was bad. I’m mostly fine, a few stitches and a mild concussion but Buck—“ Eddie’s cut off by a sob and he has to look away.

Maddie’s eyes are wide when he finally looks back at her. She nods and clearly puts a lot of effort into composing herself. “He’ll be fine, he has to be. Everyone else should be here any minute,” she says softly. “Chim took Jee-Yun to Mrs. Lee and Bobby, Athena, and Hen said they’re on their way.”

Eddie nods, looking down at Christopher who is sitting silently in his arms.

“He’s still in surgery,” Carla says, appearing around the curtain again.

Eddie nods, thankful that she’s here if nothing else. Maddie looks up at Carla hopefully. “Did they tell you anything else?”

Carla shakes her head sadly. “I’m sorry, dear.”

Maddie nods, shrinking into herself as silence settles over their little crowd.

Eddie’s doctor comes back in a few minutes later and gives him the all clear as long as he follows concussion protocol. Eddie thanks him with less gratitude than he’s probably owed and follows Maddie and Carla to the waiting room with his hand on Chris’s shoulder.

Bobby and Athena rush into the waiting room mere moments after the other four sit down. They both frantic as Carla waves them over.

“What happened?” Bobby asks, his voice desperate.

“You said there was an accident?” Athena adds.

“Eddie!” They all look around and see Hen rushing towards them. She pulls Eddie into a tight hug, looking terrified. “Are you alright? Where’s Buck?”

“I’m—“ Eddie can’t get out the words. He can’t say anything. How is he supposed to explain this to the people he loves, the only family Buck really has he… he can’t.

Carla steps forward, filling them all in on what happened, Eddie’s condition, and what they know about Buck. Eddie sits silently the whole time, barely registering a word.

Chimney arrives a few minutes later and someone must explain the situation to him but Eddie doesn’t hear it, doesn’t notice anything around him.

They sit there in silence for what feels like hours. Dozens of people filter in and out of the waiting room as they all wait for news. Eddie sees a few people crying. Me too, he thinks.

At some point someone must have gone to get coffee because a hot cup is pressed into his hands. He doesn’t drink it.

“Family of Evan Buckley?” a female voice says. Eddie hears it distantly, not registering what’s going on until Maddie stands up shakily.

“That’s us, uh, I’m his sister. This is Eddie, he was in the car with Evan.” Eddie snaps his head up and watches the doctor walk over. She’s wearing a scrub cap.

“Of course, well, Mr. Buckley has just come out of surgery. There was quite a bit of internal bleeding from the accident but we got him fixed up.” The doctor looks at Eddie. “The paramedics told me you stopped the blood flow before they got there. You saved his life.”

Eddie nods, unable to say anything. The doctor gives him a small smile and turns back to Maddie. “He has a few broken ribs, a broken arm, a pretty bad concussion, and more stitches than I’d like to see on one patient but he’s stable. He’s still asleep, but you can go visit him if you’d like. We just ask that you limit it to two at a time.”

“So he’s going to be ok?” Maddie asks, a drop of hope finally seeping into her voice.

The doctor smiles. “He should be just fine. He’s going to need lots of rest and someone to keep an eye on him with that concussion, but he’s okay.”

Maddie sobs in relief. “Thank you. Can you take us to him?” She looks over at Eddie, motioning for him to stand up. He does, on autopilot. His mind is reeling. Buck is okay. He’s alive. I love him.

Eddie follows Maddie and the doctor down the hallway silently. The mantra of Buck is okay continuing in his head on repeat.

Maddie goes in first as Eddie takes a moment to steel himself for the sight that lays ahead.

Buck is unconscious when they walk it, although the doctor had already told them that. He’s hooked up to a heart monitor abd a few other machines are beeping around him but overall he looks better than Eddie expected. He’s breathing on his own, there’s no more blood caking his face. He has bruises up and down the left side of his body and the cuts in his face are still ugly and red but he’s alive.

Eddie doesn’t realize he’s crying until Maddie grabs his hand, forcing his eyes to meet her gaze. “He’s alive, Eddie. You saved him.”

Eddie shakes his head. “He was only on that road because of me, he wouldn’t have—“

“Stop.” Maddie’s voice is firm and there’s a strong emotion flaring in her eyes. “This was not your fault, this is that idiot driver’s fault. You did everything right, Eddie. You saved my baby brother’s life.”

Eddie stares back at her, tears stream down both their faces. Without warning, Maddie pulls him into a bone crushing hug and he winces, pain flaring from where she’d hit a bruise.

“Sorry!” She says, pulling back quickly. “I forgot.”

Eddie manages a watery smile. “It’s ok.”

They each take a seat on either side of Buck’s bed. There’s a cast on his left arm, so maddie can’t grab his hand. Instead, she reaches out and brushes a lock of hair off his face. “You’ve gotta stop scaring me like this, Evan,” she says sadly.

They sit together quietly for ages. At some point, Eddie takes Buck’s right hand in his own and squeezes. He puts his other hand over Buck’s wrist, feels the pulse beat in time with the monitor.

“I told him that I love him,” Eddie whispers. Maddie’s gaze snaps to his face, shock clear in her expression. She doesn’t say anything, simply sits and waits. Eddie takes a shaky breath, staring at Buck’s face. “He was unconscious, back at the accident and I—he needed to wake up. I needed him to wake up, I couldn’t let him die. I wasn’t thinking about anything but keeping him alive and it just—I said that he couldn’t leave me like that because I love him.”

“Eddie,” Maddie says, barely above a whisper. She looks like she wants to say something else but then Buck groans and Eddie feels Buck’s fingers tighten around his own. “Hey, Evan, are you awake?” Maddie asks, immediately moving to rest her hand on his cheek.

Buck makes a noise that almost sounds like a word and his eyes flutter open. He looks around the room slowly, his eyes pausing on Maddie before they land on Eddie. He squeezes Eddie’s hand again and Eddie chokes on a delirious laugh. “You’re awake,” he says, almost in awe.

Buck cracks a small smile. “Did you mean it?” His voice is scratchy and it comes out weak.

Eddie's heart starts beating harder in his chest. “Mean what?”

Buck looks down at their intertwined hands then back up at Eddie. “At the accident. You told me you loved me.”

Maddie stares between the two of them, fighting a smile. Eddie gapes at Buck. “You heard that?”

Buck nods. “Did you mean it?” he repeats.

Eddie is at a complete loss for words. Buck was unconscious, he was dying, he—he heard Eddie? Eddie gives a miniscule nod.

Buck laughs, although it sounds more like a cough. “Good. I love you too.”

Eddie stares at Buck. This isn’t real. This can’t be real. Eddie must have died at the accident because this isn’t possible. “Buck, you—“

“I love you,” Buck repeats, firmer this time. “I’ve loved you for a long time, Eddie.”

And suddenly Eddie is grinning. Buck is alive and he loves Eddie back and none of this should be happening but it is and Eddie is crying again. “God, I love you so much, Buck. I thought you were dead.”

Buck smiles. “I can’t believe you waited until you thought I was dead to tell me you love me.”

Eddie huffs out a surprised laugh. Maddie is looking between them both like she can’t decide if she’s happy or angry. “I didn’t want to ruin anything,” Eddie explains. It feels like an inadequate reason now that he knows Buck loves him too.

Buck rolls his eyes at Eddie fondly. “Is Chris here?” he asks hopefully.

Eddie nods. “Yeah, uh, I can—“

“I’ll go get him,” Maddie says, interrupting him. She shoots her a grateful smile. He’s not ready to let go of Buck’s hand just yet.

Buck comes to stay with Eddie and Chris while he’s recovering. Bobby and Athena offered, since Maddie and Chimney have baby Jee-Yun to take care of, but Buck declines.

“I’d rather be with you,” he says, when Eddie asks.

It’s a long recovery for Buck, Eddie is back at work after a few weeks off. But this is better than when his leg was crushed. Buck isn’t afraid that he won’t be able to return to the 118 this time around. Eddie worries about him all the time, but he knows that Buck has Chris and Carla with him all the time and at night Eddie gets to climb into bed with the man he loves.

Eventually, Buck is completely recovered and asks if he should go back to his apartment. Eddie doesn’t even hesitate before saying no. He just got Buck, he’s not letting go of him. Not ever letting go if he has any say in it.

[tripleaxeldiaz]

maybe one day i’ll fly next to you

chapter 6/8

read on ao3

start from the beginning

Eddie gets cleared with two weeks to spare, and they celebrate by making out on Buck’s couch for so long it actually starts to hurt.

Buck can admit that as excited as he was to give this thing of theirs a go (“You can call me your boyfriend, Buck, it’s not a bad word”), there was still a part of him that was nervous. Nervous about how it would affect him, would affect both of them, especially now, when they’re physically and emotionally exhausted as they hurtle closer and closer to Beijing. For the first week, Buck kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Eddie to realize this was a mistake and break it off cleanly, before they got in too deep. He knows what a monster he can be when he’s strung out on stress, and only Maddie has ever been able to see past the short words and shorter temper and get him to breathe again. 

But one day, after an awful practice that brought the monster out in full force, Eddie found him hiding out in the locker room, fuming by himself and at himself. He didn’t chastise him like he could have (like he should have), didn’t tell him he was overreacting or that he was too much. Instead, he did what had become such a pillar in their friendship: he sat next to Buck and waited. And when all the anger and frustration finally seeped out of him, Eddie was there with a warm, solid, grounding hand to pull him back to his feet and away from the edge he was mentally leaning over. No judgement or invalidation, just genuine empathy. 

And that’s all it took for it to slot into place for Buck. That no matter what, they’re friends — best friends — first, and their very unique life paths means they understand each other on a level that no one else can. Being boyfriends just means they get to do more fun things together now, like making out on couches like the real teenagers they never got to be.

The weeks after Eddie’s clean bill of health fly by, and they’re heading to Lake Placid before he knows it. Buck’s excited — he’s always excited for Nats — but he also feels a looming sense of foreboding, like any minute, something is going to go terribly, terribly wrong. The last time he competed here was four seasons ago, when he won his last Nats gold, two weeks before shattering his leg and Olympic dreams in one fell swoop. Who’s to say it won’t happen again? Maybe the universe has decided that the Olympics are not for him, and this weekend will result in a last place finish or another injury or something else that takes everything away from him again.

He feels a warm palm against his and a squeeze, looks up to see Eddie watching him, framed by the snowy mountains whizzing by the bus window. His brow is creased in worry, like he can see the storm starting to swirl in Buck’s head. That worry, the way Eddie knows him, is strangely grounding, pulling him out of his dark cloud enough to actually enjoy the view of upstate New York they have as they make their way to their hotel.

The pre-competition routine is easy, familiar, and Buck lets himself get lost in it, block out any and all doubts that keep trying to sink their claws into him as the weekend gets closer and closer. Eddie’s there every step of the way too, not at all the distraction Buck had been worried about for way too long, but a welcome calm in the clusterfuck of his emotions, something for him to hold onto and gravitate back towards when it all starts to be too much. He can’t believe he survived this season — or any other season — without this to balance him out, but he knows for a fact that he’s never letting it go.

It’s the morning before shorts, and Buck is woken up by obnoxious pounding on their hotel room door. He feels a groan rumble through Eddie’s chest where it’s pressed against his back, smirks as he feels his arms wrap tighter around his waist.

“If we’re quiet enough, maybe they’ll go away,” Eddie whispers.

“Get up losers, we know you can hear us,” Chim yells through the door. Buck throws back the covers, chilly morning air making him even more irritated, and yanks the door open, coming face to face with Chim and May.

“Oh thank god, he’s wearing pants,” May sighs in relief.

Buck squints an eye at her. “It’s 8:00am, what could you possibly want from us this early?”

“It’s team bonding day,” Chim says with a grin. “We’re going to Mirror Lake. Grab Eddie and your skates and meet us at the bus in 15.”

“What if we had our own plans?” Buck asks, crossing his arms. “How do you know we weren’t gonna spend all day in bed having—” A hand clamps over his mouth from behind him before he can finish.

“We’ll see you guys down there,” Eddie says. He shuts the door on them and pinches Buck’s side, turning toward his suitcase to find clothes.

“What?” Buck asks, laughing. “I was gonna say having a movie marathon, you didn’t let me finish.”

That earns him a sweatshirt thrown at his head, but Eddie’s looking at him all fond and soft when he throws it, so Buck’s not complaining.

Mirror Lake is the very definition of “winter wonderland” — the ice seems like it’s never ending, so clean and smooth you almost feel bad skating over it. Mountains and forests surround it on all sides to hide it away from the rest of the world, and Christmas lights are still strung up in the trees and around houses. It’s fairly empty this early, just a small group of kids playing a pickup game of hockey near one of the inns. A dusting of snow covers and muffles everything, bringing a sense of stillness and calm that’s unmatched anywhere else.

Buck takes a deep breath and revels at the bite he feels in his lungs. All the thoughts and voices filling his head finally quiet down, and he can just be here, enjoy this time with his friends without worrying about what’s going to happen tomorrow or next month. He knows it won’t last long, will all come flooding back as soon as they leave the lake, but he’s going to soak it all in while he can. 

He’s fallen behind the group a bit as they spread out, taking in the sight of everyone — Maddie and Chim holding hands and matching strokes like always, Hen and May making up some kind of obstacle course, Bobby and Athena lost in deep conversation as they glide. He keeps looking until he spots Eddie, a little ways from the group, moving and spinning to the music only he can hear in his head. He’s as graceful as ever, confident in every movement, but there’s peace in him too — he’s at ease, free from the pressure of competition and perfection that Buck knows rests so heavily on his shoulders. The early morning sun bathes him in golden light, but it’s nothing compared to the smile sent his direction when he catches Buck watching.

He’s so beautiful it actually takes Buck’s breath away.

Eddie makes his way back to him, the light following in his wake. His smile is even brighter up close, but Buck only gets to enjoy it for a moment before he’s being pulled into a kiss so sweet and slow and perfect it makes him dizzy. Eddie pulls away just as quickly as he came in, the smile replaced with a smirk, and Buck barely registers the words “Race ya!” before Eddie’s speeding off to the other side of the lake. He’s stunned for a minute before he pushes off too, catching up with Eddie and doing his best to cut him off the rest of the way. Their laughter echoes off the mountains, surrounding them in their own joy, and Buck for the life of him can’t remember the last time he was this happy.

~~~~~~~~~~

Eddie’s in first and Buck’s closing out the group, because apparently the universe gets a kick out of watching him suffer.

They’ve been in this same situation so many times before, and he used to be able to turn his irritation at another flawless skate from Eddie into determination, propelling his own skating to be as close to perfect as possible. Now, though, he feels...proud. And happy for Eddie, because despite the weeks out and any lingering pain, he was flawless again — everything perfectly landed and rotated, a commanding presence on the ice. It’s a weird feeling, but it’s also nice, especially when Eddie winks at him and mouths good luck as he makes his way to the kiss and cry, and Buck’s whole body fills up with giddy butterflies.

Turns out butterflies work better than anything else for him — he’s 10 points in first place after shorts, and he feels so electric, so on top of the world he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

Until he sees Eddie again on their way to the presser, costume still sticking to him with sweat in all the right places, hair mussed and cheeks rosy.

Then there’s only one thing he wants to do, and he can’t believe he has to be polite to reporters before he can do it.

He manages to be nice and not stare at Eddie the whole time, but he snaps as soon as they get back to their hotel room, pushing Eddie up against the door as it closes and kissing him fast and dirty.

“Is this your way of distracting me so you win tomorrow?” Eddie asks, breathless from the kiss, fingers threading through Buck’s hair as Buck trails kisses down his jaw and neck, pausing only to shove Eddie’s jacket and shirt off so he can get to more skin. He stops again just as he gets to Eddie’s chest, his breath ghosting over a nipple and leaving goosebumps in its wake. Eddie’s pupils are blown wide when he meets his eyes, and the blush on his cheeks and crawling down his chest is so pretty Buck could write sonnets about it.

He smirks, the novelty of the effect he has on Eddie far from wearing off. “Do you want me to stop?”

Eddie shakes his head, cupping Buck’s jaw to pull him back up. “Fuck no, don’t even think about it,” he says before kissing him hard again, tongue licking into his mouth immediately, and Buck can practically taste the quiet, subconscious sounds Eddie makes as his fingers run down his chest and stomach. He quickly thanks whoever made track pants a part of the Team USA uniform before shoving Eddie’s down his thighs and finally getting a hand on his cock, already hard and leaking. Eddie whines as Buck breaks their kiss, but it settles into a sigh as he resumes his trail down his body. Normally he’d spend a lot longer working his mouth over as much of Eddie’s skin as he can reach, relish in the salty sweet taste of it and hit all the places that make Eddie’s hips buck forward without his permission, but he’s only got one goal in mind at the moment. He’ll make it up to Eddie later.

He finally swallows Eddie down, hears a “fuck” and a thump above him as Eddie’s head hits back against the door. He knows exactly what Eddie likes — the first week of their relationship was pretty much dedicated to figuring out all the best ways to make each other fall apart. Eddie gets a hand in his hair again as he hollows out his cheeks and hums, vibrations sending another wave of shivers over Eddie, making his hips rock even more. Buck looks up, and Eddie looks wrecked, his bottom lip trapped between his teeth, head thrown back and neck bared. It’s a miracle, really, that Buck doesn’t come right then and there.

“Christ, Buck, I’m—” Eddie tugs on Buck’s hair in warning, but it just makes Buck go faster, coaxing and coaxing until Eddie’s spilling into his mouth. Buck just barely has time to finish swallowing before he’s being yanked back to his feet and into a searing kiss, Eddie wasting no time in tasting himself on Buck’s tongue. He barely registers where Eddie’s hands are until he feels one wrap around his cock, steady and determined. He’s so keyed up now that it doesn’t take much — a few twists of Eddie’s wrist and a bruise sucked onto the underside of his jaw has him spilling over Eddie’s hand before he knows it. 

He presses kisses to every part of Eddie’s face he can reach as he comes down, soaking in the warmth radiating from him, only stopping when Eddie not so discreetly tries to wipe his hand on Buck’s pants.

“Hey!” he cries, laughing at the look on Eddie’s face. “Go wash your hands like a normal person and come meet me in bed.”

“Room service?”

“Duh.” He kisses Eddie’s nose before flopping onto the bed and flipping through movie rentals. The rest of their evening is quiet, full of bad movies and french fries and conversations about everything and nothing, and Buck feels an ease that he never feels the night before free skates. Tomorrow may be make or break for him, for both of them, but in this little cocoon of theirs, his face tucked into Eddie’s neck and Eddie’s arms around him as they drift off to sleep, the worry and nerves and anxiety feel too far away to touch him.

~~~~~~~~~~

The worst part is that he knows it’s a dream.

He knows if he jumps in real life, he’ll always come back down. Maybe not gently and maybe not on his feet, but after half a second of air time, he will touch the ground again. 

But now he’s taken off and he just keeps going — it’s completely impossible, but he’s still scared. Scared of the unknown that he’s propelling towards, scared that he can’t control his body or where it’s going, scared that it’s all going to end and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Fear turns to pure terror as his weight shifts of its own accord and starts sending him back to the rink he’s made up in his head. He thinks (hopes) he’ll wake up before he makes impact, but the panic is still clawing at him, sinking into his bones and running all the worst case scenarios though his head. He crashes through the ice but it doesn’t stop — flashes of disappointed faces, snippets of voices tinged with pity for him and the fact that he failed once again. It’s cacophonous and overwhelming, but he catches specific voices — Maddie, Bobby, Eddie — that try to push through, try to pull him out, but it’s not enough. He’s falling into the nothingness of his own failure and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it.

He finally wakes up, his skin feels like it’s buzzing, alive with lingering panic. He’s got an arm around Eddie’s waist and his face pressed into the back of his neck, and he takes a minute to breathe him in and get his heart to slow back down. It’s early, barely light out, but Buck slips out of bed, grabs the comforter from the other one, and quietly slides open the balcony door. The snow is just starting to glow from the first rays of sunlight, and everything is quiet, still, a direct contrast with the thoughts and feelings still swirling in Buck. He sits on the little bench facing the surrounding forest, does his best to focus on the chill in the air and the quiet nature sounds around him, tries to shut out everything else and be right where he is.

It takes a while, but it helps. 

The sun is fully up by the time he goes back in, and Eddie’s just finishing packing up his skating bag. Buck’s bag, actually. Eddie’s is already set by the door. He feels on the verge of tears again, but not in a bad way.

Eddie turns to him as he slides the door shut. His eyes track everywhere, like he’s cataloging Buck, taking stock before making a move. Buck’s stupidly grateful for it — he feels like one wrong move could send him cracking all over again, and it wouldn’t be Eddie’s fault, but he’d get the brunt of it. But Eddie knows him better than almost anyone, so whatever move he makes will be a good one.

He watches Eddie move slowly toward him and reach for his hand, giving Buck every opportunity to back up and say no. That’s not at all what he wants, so he meets Eddie halfway and laces their fingers together.

“Do you need another minute?” Eddie asks quietly.

Buck shakes his head. “I’m okay. We have to leave soon anyway.”

“Will you believe me if I tell you that everything’s gonna be fine?”

“Probably not.”

Eddie nods. “Okay.” He tugs Buck toward him, gently kisses his forehead, cheek, and lips. “We need to be downstairs in 30 minutes.”

Buck squeezes his hand and heads towards the bathroom. He steps into the shower and tries to convince himself that Eddie’s right.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Channel your nerves, Buck. Everyone here is rooting for you. Show ‘em what you got.”

Buck nods at Bobby before pushing off the boards. He hears On the ice, representing the 118 Skating Club of Los Angeles, Evan Buckley and the applause that follows, but it sounds tinny and far away. He’s trying to channel everything — his nerves, doubts, fear of failure, whatever — and make it work for him, but it’s not as easy today. He feels heavy, like his body isn’t quite in line with his mind and what he needs to be doing, and he knows he’s going to be fighting himself for every element for the next four and a half minutes.

The music starts and he tries to float with it, use it to push through the extra gravity he feels and lift himself up more. He lands his first jump — his triple axel, usually one of his strongest — but feels himself wobble, knows his GOE will be low. He misses the second jump on his first combo and has to mentally comb through his program to figure out where he can tack it onto to make up points. On and on it goes — he doesn’t fall, there’s no monumental breakdown, but he’s subpar, doesn’t meet his own expectations and probably doesn’t meet those of the USFSA. He finishes with the fakest smile he’s ever slapped on his face and all but sprints to the kiss and cry.

Nats scores are always inflated, so he doesn’t do bad, but he’s certainly done better. There are three skaters left, including Eddie, and a terrible part of him hopes that the other two eat ice so he can still finish on the podium and salvage his spot in Beijing.

They don’t. Naturally. He sits in the green room as they each have the best skate of their season and leap frog over his score. Eddie’s last to go and he lays it all out there, like he’s already at the Olympics, but Buck’s hardly mad about that. He’s a force, attacking every jump but still keeping a softness in his movements to match Jeff Buckley’s voice. Buck’s got chills up and down his back during his last step sequence and into his final pose, and he knows it’s a gold medal by a mile. And he’s happy for Eddie, ecstatic even, but he also feels his heart break a little bit, because Eddie winning puts him in fourth.

The pewter medal. A stupid consolation prize that only the USFSA gives out. He’s technically still on the podium, but it somehow feels worse than if he’d finish last.

“You had a great Grand Prix this year, that counts for a lot more than Nats,” Eddie says on the ride to the airport the next day. It’s the first time Buck’s let him talk about it without changing the subject or kissing him or literally walking into another room. He’s run out of energy to avoid it anymore. 

“They’ll want someone consistent, and that’s clearly not me.”

“You have the second highest overall score in the country this season, fifth in the world. They can’t ignore that.”

Buck shrugs, picks at an errant string on his hoodie to avoid looking Eddie in the eye. He feels lips press to his temple and unconsciously melts, head moving down to rest on Eddie’s shoulder.

“It’ll all work out. We’ll be in Beijing together, I know it.”

Eddie’s always so confident, so sure in his convictions and unwavering in his beliefs. Buck loves him for it but it’s also unnerving, because he wants to believe as hard as Eddie does, but he knows how this goes. He works and works and pushes and pushes but in the end, it’s not far enough. All his hard work, his literal blood sweat and tears, can’t get him that extra inch closer to where he wants to be.

It happened four years ago, and he can feel it happening again. And this time, he won’t be able to blame a broken leg for his failures.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Buck, stop shaking your leg, you’re gonna trigger an earthquake.”

Buck scowls at Chim but stops. It’s been three days since Nats, three days of waiting, knowing that at any minute, the USFSA is going to post their final Olympic team. He’s been on edge for 72 hours because they won’t have an idea it’s happening until it happens, and he thinks he might be starting to go insane.

“It’ll be soon,” Maddie says from where she’s leaning on the boards. They’re all supposed to be warming up, a long day of practice ahead, but they’re congregated around the benches instead, anxiety crackling between all of them like lightning.

He doesn’t even notice his leg starts shaking again until Eddie places a hand on it to stop him.

“Opening ceremonies are in three weeks,” May says as she stretches on the floor. “They’re cutting it awfully close if they don’t announce, like, today.”

Chim groans as he stands up from the bench to join Maddie. “Why is it even taking so long? They’ve seen how the season’s gone so far, there can’t be that much left to deliberate.”

“Do you think they’re actually still deciding, or just waiting because it’s dramatic?” Buck asks.

Eddie snorts. “Probably the latter.”

“Guys!”

They all turn towards the doorway to the locker room, and Buck feels his blood run cold. Hen is there, looking calm as ever on the outside, but he meets her eye, and he knows.

“They just posted the list. Bobby has it up on his computer.”

Chim grabs Maddie’s hand and sprints, and May is hot on their heels. Eddie gets 10 feet in front of him before he realizes Buck hasn’t followed. He’s frozen in place, hands numb, heart beating so hard he’s worried about his ribs. Right now, on the bench, he can convince himself he’s living in a world where his dreams haven’t been crushed, where he still has a chance. Once he takes a step, that all ends.

Eddie comes back for him, grabs both of his hands and waits until Buck meets his eye. When he does, he gives him that small, soft smile Buck knows is just for him, and it feels like he’s saying I believe in you. It’s enough to get him moving.

They catch up with the others just as they get to Bobby’s office, and they jostle and crowd around the desktop, trying to get a clear view. Buck’s thankful for his height and looks over everyone, the world quickly narrowing to just him and the computer screen.

From the top, the list goes men, ladies, pairs, dance, so he starts from the bottom to delay any disappointment. 

He feels the tears prick when he sees Chim and Maddie listed, his smile nearly splits his face at May’s name. Eddie was inevitable, but his heart still soars when he sees it written out.

And then.

And then.

His name. His name, just above Eddie’s. 

Evan Buckley. Right there, clear as day, in Times New Roman font.

He’s glad Chim and May are already crushing him in a hug, because he’s pretty sure his knees have given out.

This is real. This is happening. Eddie is squeezing his hand and Maddie is crying and it’s happening.

They are officially, officially, going to the Olympics.

[loch-lomund]

Love Me Anyway (Please)

When Eddie hears a soft thump on his back porch at 11:07 pm, he’s got a pretty good idea of what or rather who, it is.

“Ed-Eddiee?” Buck slurs.

“Are you drunk, Buck?” He reeks like a distillery.

“You said you didn’t recommend hitting things.”

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t have recommended this either, moron."

Link to read on the AO3

When Eddie hears a soft thump on his back porch at 11:07 pm, or he’s got a pretty good idea of what or rather who, it is. Buck’s having a really hard time with his parents’ visit- and honestly Eddie’s been half expecting him to show up all night. Buck had been going at the bag pretty hard this afternoon, but he’s not like Eddie when he’s upset. He doesn’t like to be left alone.  So Eddie’s even left the porch light on. But when he doesn’t hear Buck’s key in the door, and he does hear the boards on his back porch creaking like someone’s lingering out there, he knows something’s off.

He tip toes to the door, grabbing his baseball bat from behind the couch on the way- Eddie thinks his paranoia is understandable considering the shitstorm that has been his life the past few years- and he pauses at the door, hand poised at the door knob, and listens. He hears the soft but unmistakeable sound of someone breathing on the other side of his door, and his heart begins to pound, his only thought to protect his home and son. He counts down to himself- 3, 2, 1 and rips the door open,  bat swinging wildly, and half way to its target when he realizes-

“Buck?!”

His best friend has tumbled inside backwards, losing his balance from having the support of the door he’d been leaning on so heavily abruptly removed. He’s clutching the wall now for support, reacting slowly and not at all defensively enough for someone who had just nearly been attacked with a baseball bat.

“Ed-Eddiee?” Buck slurs.

“Are you drunk?” Buck reeks like a distillery, and he’s not doing a good job supporting his own weight, leaning awkwardly against the wall in Eddie’s cramped entryway.

“You said you didn’t recommend hitting things.”

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t have recommended this either, moron. Christopher is home, you know.”

Buck looks stricken at that, and he immediately turns as though to leave, swaying clumsily as he goes.

“M’sorry, Eddie. I’ll go- Chris shouldn’t see me like this.”

Exasperated, Eddie tugs Buck back into the living room. Despite his aborted movement towards the door, Buck lets himself be led.

“If can promise to be quiet, he won’t have to- he’s down for the night. Where do you think you’re gonna go, anyway? How did you even get here, huh?”

Buck looks at Eddie through bloodshot, half closed eyes, “think I walked.”

Mierda.

Eddie hauls Buck into the bathroom and runs the sink, wetting a warm wash cloth and handing it to Buck. He finds the spare towels and takes stock of Buck again, who is staring intently down into the bowl of the sink, shoulders hunched, washcloth being gripped tightly and also uselessly in his right hand. Buck’s losing time in that way of drunken misery. Instead of just leaving Buck to it, Eddie finds himself in parental mode, running the shower and sticking his hand in the stream to make sure the temperature is just so, the action practiced from countless nights with Chris.

“Get in.”

Buck looks like he might say something, protest rising in his expression.

“Evan, take a shower.” Eddie says sharply, a military tone underlying the softness of the command

Buck’s face crumples, and his already reddened eyes sting with tears that don’t fall.

“Please, please don’t call me that.” Alarmed, Eddie lurches forward and grips Buck by the shoulder. He doesn’t often call Buck by his real name, but it’s never caused a reaction like this before.

“Okay, okay. I won’t. I’m sorry. Get in the shower, Buck.”  And Buck’s nodding, obediently stripping and stepping under the spray. Eddie barely gets out of the bathroom in time to give Buck his privacy, and he feels the heat rising to his own cheeks as he catches a glimpse of his friend’s rippling back and ass. He’s unsure if the blush is out of embarrassment for Buck’s naked vulnerability, or if it’s out of attraction. Maybe a bit of both. Either way, now’s not the time for these thoughts.

Eddie busies himself in the kitchen, brewing a large mug of herbal tea. He winces when he hears Buck gagging, but he’s a little relieved as well. He doesn’t know how much Buck drank but he knows it was way too much. He’s glad some of that is leaving his system, however unpleasantly. He opens the bathroom door partway and wordlessly hands in a spare toothbrush. Buck, who’s upright again at the sink and now wearing a towel around his waist, takes it, clumsily. Eddie notices that Buck’s hands are shaking, fine tremors making their way through him. But Buck stubbornly avoids eye contact, so Eddie leaves again. If he thinks he hears a sob, he pretends not to- if Buck doesn’t want him to know he won’t push. He sets down two mugs of tea and waits in the living room.

Buck finally emerges wearing a pair of Eddie’s sweats and an LAFD hoodie that could belong to either of them. His eyes are clearer when he sits down next to Eddie on the couch. He wraps both hands around the thick mug Eddie’s prepared for him and lifts it to his lips. His hands are still shaking, and he sloshes some of the tea onto his hoodie, wincing at the heat, but drinking deeply.

Without looking at Eddie, he intones, “thank you.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for, Buck.”

“But there is!” Buck’s making eye contact with Eddie for the first time tonight, and what Eddie sees there all but breaks his heart.

“It’s what we do, Buck. I’ve got your back- you’ve had mine, and Christopher’s, more times than I can count.”

“No one’s ever-” Buck gulps and tries again, “No one’s ever…”

“No one’s ever, what, Buck?” Eddie prompts gently. Buck just looks up at Eddie, desperate to say something and unable to get it in the open.

“No one’s ever wanted me!” Buck bursts out, and now that it’s been said, he’s gasping for breath like he’s just run a marathon, his hands over his mouth trying to muffle the sound so that he doesn’t wake Chris.

Eddie feels that outburst like a slap to the face. It’s such a simple, raw statement that pleads for acknowledgement and tears and tears at Eddie’s heart. Eddie reels himself back from his first reaction- denial- because he knows it won’t be helpful.

“What makes you say that, Buck?”

“I always knew I was never enough but I didn’t understand why,” and Buck’s voice breaks a little on that word. “I was a replacement. And not a good one.”

“What are you talking about, Buck?” Eddie asks softly.

“I never knew, but Maddie told me tonight-by accident- I don’t know if she or anyone ever would have told me.” The words are tumbling out of Buck now, and his breath is hitching in these painful sounding gasps that are not-quite sobs.

“I had a brother. He died- and- my parents had me. I don’t- I don’t know why, because they found it so hard.  All I know is that I was never enough. They couldn’t l-l-love me.” Buck’s hesitation on that word makes Eddie hurt for him. “They said we- they said I made it too hard.”

Buck’s not getting enough air, and he has to stop for a second. Eddie softly, tentatively places a hand on Buck’s back and starts rubbing circles.

Eddie’s not too comfortable with physical touch- he’s not talking about a friendly pat, a shoulder bump, legs pressed together on the way to a battleground or a fire- an elbow thrown here or there teasingly. Those kinds of touches he’s used to, been used to since his time in the army, and he gives them out easily.  He’s not even talking about sex, the physicality and sharp pleasure of which comes naturally to him. But physical intimacy- the kind that accompanies vulnerability and softness- that’s difficult.

His withdrawal in that way was a key symptom of his PTSD when he returned to the States. It was an important reason behind the loss of connection that spelled the demise of his marriage. He had to work on it, hard, when he first got Chris back in his life. He’d even discussed it with his therapist and Chris’. Eddie learned to step up for Christopher, and now he’ll unhesitatingly take his son into his arms.

But Buck doesn’t struggle with touch. He folds Eddie into a hug when he thinks Eddie’s had a bad day- he sits with his arm around Chim and Hen in the truck, and he unashamedly holds Maddie’s hand when they’re out on walks. He’s even seen Buck kiss Christopher on the forehead before bed. Maybe, as Eddie’s learning, Buck’s physicality is a direct result of his cold upbringing. What Eddie knows for sure, though, is that Buck thrives on physical intimacy. And right now, he needs a physical reminder that he is loved.

Eddie’s hand has made its way to the back of Buck’s neck. He gives it a squeeze. Buck forces another painful truth out:

“They wanted Daniel, not me. They said I was hard to love.”

And Eddie…can’t listen to this anymore. He surges forward and pulls Buck right into his arms and half into his lap in a tight hug. It’s awkward because Buck’s a big man, but Eddie’s determined. He wants to say so many things but words aren’t Eddie’s forte and all that comes out is this:

“They were wrong.” But it’s enough. Eddie is enough.

Buck whimpers into Eddie’s hoodie, the sound hurting Eddie as much as Buck. He breaks down, burying his head in Eddie’s neck. He’s crying in earnest now, big sobs that make his back tremble and that he’s trying his best to muffle. He cries like he’s twelve years old again. Eddie’s a little scared with the force of it. He just holds on, rubbing bigger circles into Buck’s back. Buck cries and cries, and eventually the sobs gets smaller and turn into little breath hitches. Eddie finds himself pressing a kiss into Buck’s temple before he can stop himself.

He pours his feelings into his grip on Buck, which he adjusts and keeps even after Buck stops crying. Eventually, Buck lifts his head and pulls back.

“S-sorry. I think I snotted all over you,” Buck sniffs and wipes his eyes and face on the sleeve of his hoodie. Eddie snorts.

“Sure did. You’re buying the pizza for the next month,” he says, trying for lighthearted. He strips off his wet hoodie and catches Buck looking. Even though he’s been crying, Buck’s still fucking stunning. Suddenly,  Eddie’s very aware in a different way of Buck’s closeness. His blood is pounding in his ears, and he’s gonna need to take a minute. He stretches, going for nonchalant, but no sooner has he got his arms over his head than Eddie’s the one crowded against the wall, and Buck’s kissing him soundly. Eddie’s body reacts immediately, jeans tightening and tongue slipping easily into Buck’s mouth.  Pretty quickly, though, sober heads-in this case Eddie’s- prevail.

“Buck-” he gets out between kisses.

“Yeah? Buck growls, stripping Eddie’s shirt off. Eddie groans long and low when Buck presses them together.

“Buck, wait. Stop.” Buck leans back, reeling a little. His eyes are filling up again and that’s the absolute last thing Eddie wants.

“No, I mean-“ If Eddie’s a little jumbled at the moment he thinks he should be forgiven- “Yes, stop. But just for now.”

“Eddie?”

“You’re still a little drunk, Buck, and it’s been a big night. When we do this, I want it to be with a clear head.” Buck nods, slowly.

“When, not if?”

“I don’t think there’s been an ‘if’ in my mind for a long time, Buck. But there’s a lot at stake here, and…” Eddie hesitates here- he doesn’t want Buck to take this the wrong way, but he needs to say it for his own sake.

“What is it, Eds?”

“When we cross that line, I need to know it’s because you really want me, and not because you need to feel wanted.”

Buck’s eyes fill visibly with emotion again, and Eddie winces, because he knows that had landed hard. But Buck surprises him. He pulls Eddie into a hug, and because they’re standing now, it’s Eddie whose head fits under Buck’ chin.

“You’re right, Eds. But I won’t ever let you feel unwanted.” It’s Eddie’s turn to feel his eyes stinging a bit. He takes Buck by the hand and leads him down the hall to the bedroom. They sleep soundly, and in the morning Chris’ energetic begging for pancakes will give Buck reason to regret his decisions as he suffers through a hangover and Eddie’s amusement at his expense.

[florenceandthemachine]

Hi ❤️ if you’re still talking prompts could you write Buck temporarily going blind and Eddie helping him cope till he gets better? Only if you want, no pressure and thx 😘

COMBINED WITH BUDDIEWEEK2020 PROMPT

July 8th   - Day 3: “We can do this.” + hurt

also I want you to know it was very difficult for me not to turn it into a permanently blind emotional rollercoaster that you definitely did not ask for.

(xoxo to @buckleydiazs for giving it a once over before posting!)

Every time Eddie closes his eyes, he relives his mistake. 

He can see Buck taking the stairs two at a time, clearing the last floor of the burning apartment building. He can see the ladder at the end of the hallway, the light at the end of a burning tunnel. He can see part of the ceiling give way as he turns, reaching for Buck, too slow, too fucking slow, and Buck��

—is gone, pushed through the floor by the caving-in ceiling, what Eddie was sure was a scream drowned out by the roar of the flames.

They find him, of course they do, half buried beneath rubble three floors down with a cracked helmet, broken mask, and blood leaking sluggishly around the temples. Buck is out cold—which is probably for the best, because when Eddie peels his helmet off as Chim speeds through the Los Angeles streets to the nearest trauma hospital all he can see is blue, and black, and red, splashed over the bridge of Buck’s nose, his lids, from ear to ear.

Retinal detachment.

Orbital fracture.

Extreme ocular trauma.

“It’s too soon to tell. The surgery went well, but the healing is where... well, where the healing happens. The gauze needs to be changed daily, and the tape on your lids needs to be removed in two weeks time—by that time, the nerves in your...”

Eddie started to zone out while the doctor was talking, his hand nearly numb from how hard Buck was squeezing it, not that he was going to complain. He had only left the hospital twice in the 60 hours Buck had been admitted—once during Buck’s surgery to drive home, take a well needed shower and a change of clothes, and once to pick up some coffee because he felt about as dead on his feet as Buck looked, and that was saying a lot.

Buck, who had thrashed around and nearly punched Eddie in the face when he came to after the surgery, because he couldn’t fucking see. Buck, who had stitches in his fucking eyeball and two metal rods in the bone around his nose to keep the cartilage from sinking back and puncturing his brain. Buck, who had his eyelids taped shut—which was barbaric in a way Eddie couldn’t properly describe.

“Do I look like a mummy?” Buck had asked after he woke up, near monotonous, and Eddie had to stop himself from near hysterical laughter—he just had two circles of gauze packed toward his eye sockets, another layer of tape beneath the fluff to keep his lids shut.

“Now, Mr. Buckley, who will you be staying with?”

And god, after less than three days, Buck was being discharged.

Eddie blinked, bringing himself back to the present as he heard the question, giving a small gesture with his hand—and remembering Buck couldn’t see it. Off to a great start. “Me. I’ll be taking him back to our home, the only hard part will be convincing my kid that it’s not a two week sleepover vacation.”

If Eddie didn’t already know how low Buck was feeling, the fact that he didn’t even try to argue said more than enough.

--

Eddie had immediately cashed in three weeks of his paid time off—he had racked plenty up with all the overtime he had worked his first few months on the team, before Carla, the patron saint of financial aid had swooped into his life. He wasn’t about to leave Buck alone, not for a minute if he could help it, but Eddie knew better than anyone that sometimes, things didn’t happen as planned.

The first few days of Buck staying with them had gone... alright. Tensions were sky high, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out why, but thankfully Chris was in the house more often than not on the weekend, and it was impossible to be tense or angry when Chris was in the room, even if you couldn’t see him. 

At night, though, everything changed. Tension turned to despair, and Eddie had never been more thankful that the guest room was next to his own, on the opposite side of the hall from Chris’ room—he knew the nightmares would be coming hard and fast, and he knew Buck would have never forgiven himself if he scared Christopher with them.

The past two nights, all Buck had needed to anchor himself was a firm touch, a loud enough noise, something to anchor him to the situation, but Eddie could tell that wasn’t going to be enough when he opened Buck’s door a few nights into his stay.

Partially because of his own guilt, maybe, but mostly because Buck sounded like he was fighting for his life.

“Buck, come on, wake up—you’re safe, you’re home with me and Chris, you’re okay, fuck, Buck—“

He finally pulled Buck upright, hands on his shoulders, and Buck gasped, head snapping side to side. “Eddie, what’s going on, where—where the fuck am I, Eddie, what—I can’t see, Eds, I can’t fucking see, I—“

It was only years of Army training that had Eddie’s reflexes moving fast enough to grab Buck’s hands as he moved to claw at his eyes, to rip the gauze and tape off of his lids. 

“Listen to me, you’re safe. You’re okay. Come on, Buck. We can do this. I got you.” Keeping his voice as low as possible, Eddie pulled Buck’s wrists toward his own chest, and to his complete dismay, he could feel the moment that Buck’s mind caught up with him. He fell forward, limply pushing his forehead into Eddie’s shoulder, body wracking with sobs as Eddie let go of his wrists and just held his friend, his Buck, who had become completely undone in his arms.

He couldn’t bring himself to say anything, too afraid that the wrong thing would come spilling out, so he just held onto Buck and let him cry, only loosening his grip when he felt Buck’s breath start to even out again, only interrupted by the occasional hiccuping sob or hitch of emotional aftermath. He didn’t realize that Buck had passed out again until it was too late; it was hard to tell in the first place, not being able to see if Buck’s eyes were open or shut, but by the time he realized Buck had literally cried himself asleep he couldn’t even imagine waking him back up just so Eddie could leave.

Also… he didn’t really want to leave. 

Slowly pulling the sheet up around Buck’s shoulders, Eddie wiggled himself back down against the headboard, his own eyes closing. He had certainly had worse sleeps—anywhere overseas came to mind—but that was an afterthought. If this is what it took to help Buck feel safe, so be it. 

It was the best night of sleep he had gotten in weeks.

--

The next night, after he had read to Chris and wished Buck a good night, Eddie only needed to pick up on the smallest of hesitations from Buck before he took Buck’s hand and led him into his own bedroom. Buck’s shoulders sagged in relief as Eddie helped steer him into his bed, laying close enough that their legs were touching, but far enough that they still had plenty of their own space, the small contact hopefully enough to ground Buck into the present.

And if Eddie secretly loved the mornings where he would be lucky enough to wake up with Buck any degree closer, well, that was his own business.

--

Staying together in the same bed didn’t stop Buck’s nightmares, of course, not that Eddie expected it to. What it did was give them both the ability to stop them before it got too bad—with the solid resistance of another body beside you, it was harder to let a dream spiral down too far. He wish he didn’t know this from experience, but... well, he was far from perfect, and that was becoming more and more obvious every day.

The hardest part of it all was that Buck was a morning person, which, who would even have thought that were a thing? Eddie took advantage of sleeping in whenever possible—he had been known to drop Christopher off at school on his days off and get another hour or so of shut eye—but by the time his first alarm went off, Buck had almost always untangled himself from Eddie’s form and retreated to his own side of the bed, and that wouldn’t do. 

(When had Eddie started to think of it as Buck’s side of the bed? He really didn’t want to look into that too deeply.)

Eddie started to push himself—waking up ten, fifteen minutes before his alarm, just to enjoy Buck’s closeness, his warmth. 

He was getting used to it too quickly, forgetting that this wasn’t actually his, even as he dreamed of spending a sleepy Saturday in bed with Buck, looping an arm around his waist. 

“Eddie?”

Fuck. He was awake, and apparently, so was Buck. 

His mind immediately kicked into overdrive, not sure if he should pretend that he was still asleep or snap his hand back and apologize, but thankfully, Buck made up his mind before Eddie could. He felt Buck’s arm move atop of his own—not pushing off, just resting alongside, the limb a line of heat along Eddie’s arms as their fingertips brushed. “…this is okay with you?” Buck asked, and Eddie let out a rush of air, nodding, nose tickling the back of Buck’s head. “Yeah Buck, it’s, um. I like it. And if you like it, that’s even better. It’s great! I mean, it’s the least I could do, I guess.” God, Eddie, shut the fuck up.

“… the least you could do.”

Eddie swallowed as he heard the frown in Buck’s voice, knowing instinctively that he was in trouble as Buck moved himself, rolling to face Eddie—probably more out of force of habit than anything, considering they couldn’t exactly meet eye to eye. 

“Edmundo Diaz.” Yup, he was in trouble. “You don’t actually think that this is your fault, do you?” Buck said, his tone uncertain, brows furled even with the little bit of motion they had. 

“… it’s just… you were right there, Buck. You were right in front of me, and then you were gone. I couldn’t catch you, couldn’t do anything. I was too slow to act, even when you were in arms reach of me, and now you might be blind.” His voice was thick with emotion as he looked over Buck’s face, hating now more than ever that he couldn’t see the others eyes, see how upset or disappointed Buck must be in him. He felt his own throat tighten as he looked down, his arm burning where it was on Buck’s hip. He didn’t even deserve to be in the same room as Buck, let alone touch him, and—

“Eddie, shut the fuck up.”

His jaw snapped shut with an audible click, Buck’s tone like concrete, heavy and unyielding as he jabbed a finger into Eddie’s chest. “You don’t get to apologize because you haven’t done anything wrong. Hell, you’re the only one doing anything right. You’re here, you stepped up, you’re helping me, you’re... hell, where is anyone else? You don’t get to apologize for stepping up, for making sure that I had... well, don’t think I didn’t notice you calling this our home.”

Buck was getting more and more animated as he spoke, and Eddie found himself floundering a little bit, trying to keep up with what Buck was saying (and fuck, had he really said that?). “Buck, I just—”

“Eddie, this is not your fucking fault and I won’t hear you say that ever again.”

...well. Eddie might have disagreed, but he wasn’t stupid enough to argue, not when he had an angry Buck in his bed. “Doesn’t mean I can’t be sorry about it anyway.” he grumbled, aware that he sounded like a petulant child—and if anything, the small smile that Buck had on his face meant Buck thought so too. 

“Well, fine. I’m sorry too.”

“What? Buck, what do you have to be--”

“Sorry it took me having a major accident to get you to cuddle with me.”

“What! We aren’t—I didn’t—this isn’t—”

“Eddie, shut up.”

Eddie would have protest when he felt Buck’s shoulders start to shake, worried he had said the wrong thing again—but Buck was laughing, the sound muted under his breath, and Eddie let out a dramatic puff of air as he collapsed back to the bed, his arm back at Buck’s hips.

But, he did shut up.

--

Eddie almost slammed his head on the hood of his car when he heard a crash coming from the kitchen. He bolted out of the garage, hands stained with oil, swearing as he stumbled in to the main house, almost tripping up the stairs.

“Wait, Eddie, stop!”

Buck’s face was angled toward Eddie’s direction, hand out, obviously having heard him stumble down the hall. Eddie froze in place, eyes huge as he took in the scene—everything looked fine, Buck was upright, he wasn’t bleeding, but the ground around him was glittering with broken glass; nothing more than a broken dish, but Buck was barefoot.

Buck was okay. Eddie hadn’t failed him again. He hadn’t let him get hurt again.

Taking a few steps loser, he let the wrecked look on Buck’s face register for only a moment, wishing for nothing more than to make it go the fuck away. “Hey, okay, you’re good, it was just a plate.”

“And a glass.”

“And a glass.”

“I’ll pay for it, I promise.”

“Buck, if you think I own any nice dishes after having a kid, you have another thing coming.” Eddie laughed in spite of himself, only encouraged when Buck let out a wet sounding chuff. “Are you okay with me just lifting you out of here? It’ll be the easiest way to get you out of glass before I sweep everything up.”

Buck lifted his arms in response and Eddie had to bite down another laugh as he lifted the other male easily, his hands latched beneath his rear end, Buck’s chest right against his face. He brought Buck easily to the couch and deposited him there, getting a little hasty with the broom as he cleaned up—but Buck looked so miserable, he couldn’t stand to leave the other alone for any longer than he absolutely had to.

It made Eddie want to scream—not because of the situation, but because of everything leading up to it. The day before, Buck had tried to start cleaning the dishes, and had nearly impaled himself with one of Eddie’s pairing knives. The night before that, he had almost started a kitchen fire, cleaning the stove with cooking spray instead of Lysol. Buck passed both of these off as just trying to be helpful, but Eddie was about to pull out his hair—not because the situations were stressful, but because Buck kept coming closer and closer to hurting himself, and Eddie couldn’t accept that. 

Tossing the glass into the garbage, he grabbed two beers and cracked them both open, making his way over to the couch with a sigh. “Alright, Buck, what’s up? Why are you pushing yourself so hard, when you only have a few days with the tape left?”

Eddie knew the answer before he even asked, the emotion on Buck’s face more clear than ever as he looked down. “Because I have to. What if I don’t get my vision back? All I want in the entire world is to rip this tape off, to—not even to see, just to know. I can’t stand not knowing, Eddie, I can’t. If I’m blind, I can’t be dependent on you forever, I can’t—”

“Hey, hey, take a breath.” Eddie easily took Buck’s hands in his own, squeezing them reassuringly, eyes studying the visible portions of Buck’s face, his thumb stroking over the pulse point in Buck’s wrist. “You know that whatever happens, we’ll be here for you, right? Chris and I aren’t going to let you face this on your own.

Buck let out another wet sounding laugh, sniffing as he shook his head. “Eddie, I told you, this wasn’t your fault—”

“I’m serious, Buck. We’re not letting you go. I’m not letting you go.”

Any protests that Buck had died in his throat as Eddie shrugged, his hands stilling beneath Eddie’s, suddenly painfully aware of their proximity. Eddie had to bite his lip to avoid laughing as Buck started to lean up, head moving on its own accord, because of course it would take Buck going blind to finally pick up on the signals Eddie had been broadcasting since forever—

“Eddie, I’m blind, you have to tell me if I’m misreading this, because I can’t see your stupid handsome face at all, and—mmphs!”

Eddie swallowed a laugh as he leaned in and claimed Buck’s lips with his own, feeling the quick moment of shock melt into something better, easier. His mouth was warm against Buck’s as he tilted his head, hand coming up to cup his jaw, only encouraged by Buck’s little moans as he melted into Eddie’s side.

The smile on his face was so bright when he pulled back that Eddie felt like he could feel the warmth from it sink into his skin, the heat from Buck’s breath dancing over his face, and nothing could bring him down from this high, not even Buck’s moment of insecurity as he squeezed Eddie’s arms.

“...you’re smiling, right?” Buck asked, his voice low, his own face cut into a shy smile that Eddie would have paid hard cash money to look at for the rest of his life.

Rather than answer, Eddie took Buck’s hands in his own, letting Buck’s fingers trace over his face, his smile, taking every moment he could to kiss the fingers that traced over his lips. Buck couldn’t help but laugh as he swatted Eddie’s shoulder, the sound warming Eddie to his very core—it was the first time in weeks that he had heard Buck laugh, he realized. Letting his arms slide back around Buck’s waist, he had to sigh as they fit back into one another’s space.

Chris didn’t even question finding the two of them like that when Carla brought home, because bless that kid. He just let his backpack fall to the floor, grabbed a blanket, and curled into Buck’s side. Buck, to his credit, let out a happy hum, wrapped an arm around Chris, and that was that.

(Two days later, Carla spent an absurd amount of time peeling the tape off of Buck’s eyelids, but Eddie couldn’t even complain about the laborious process when Buck’s eyes opened slowly, squinting as he started to re-focus.

Eddie held his breath as Buck’s eyes flickered over to him—not knowing if Buck could see was killing him, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask, biting his lips as a smile bloomed over Buck’s face.

“God, you’re cute.”

Eddie wasn't sure if he was laughing or crying as Buck spoke, pulling his teammate—his Buck��into his arms, but he didn’t care. All that mattered right now was Buck, tight in his arms.)

[thisissirius]

I was thinking about when buck called maddy after the tsunami and she was like buck you have to tell Eddie and he just like ..hid. I just am so curious what he was planning on doing like hiding from him?? Going back to his apartment? If Eddie has found Chris before buck confronted him would buck have just left without getting medical? And Chris was like buck saved me and they’re like where did he go and they have to go find him? I wanna know....

uh anon, you inspired me

the worth of things [AO3 LINK] eddie/buck, post-tsunami

Buck hangs up on Maddie. 

It makes him feel like a dick, but he can’t handle the thought of talking about it anymore. He’s trying so hard to find Christopher. His arm stings, his body is screaming at him to stop, and his heart hasn’t stopped hammering in his chest. 

“Thanks, man,” he says, giving the phone back to its owner.

The guy nods, looks at Buck’s arm. “You should get that seen to.”

“Yeah,” Buck waves a hand and promises he will, which seems to do the trick. Instead, Buck knows Eddie is here somewhere, knows he’s gonna find out Buck lost his kid, and everything’s gonna end. Buck’s gonna lose his best friend, his family, everything. He doesn’t have firefighting; what’s he supposed to do now? 

Sitting on the edge of a cot he thinks about going home. It’s probably the best option, but Christopher’s still out there and Buck’s not going to leave him to suffer alone. He’s not. His arm will be fine, he just needs to keep going. 

Eddie walks through the VA hospital, double-takes because he thinks he sees Buck. On closer inspection it’s not, and he forces himself to calm down. Chris is safe at home. Part of him wants to call and find out, but he’s pulled in a different direction, a nurse looking for help. 

It’s the first time Eddie’s skills have been tested under pressure on such a scale since Afghanistan and his body is not going to thank him for it the next morning. He’s barely seen other members of his team and he’s just considering taking five when he spots someone jumping out of a truck, a familiar figure in her arms. 

“Chris?”

“Dad!” 

Fuck, what the fuck. Eddie’s there in a second, taking his son from the woman’s arms. It’s on the tip of his tongue to ask what the fuck is going on, when she smiles. 

“Are you Buck?”

Eddie frowns. “No, I’m his father, Eddie.”

The woman nods. “He was looking for Buck.”

It takes Eddie a moment to realize what she’s saying. “Buck’s not with him?”

“No,” she says. “He was on the truck, but he-”

“I lost him, Dad,” Christopher says against his neck, and Eddie cradles the back of his head, wants to take Chris and hide. What the fuck was he doing in the middle of the tsunami? Where’s Buck? “I fell and I couldn’t find him.”

Eddie closes his eyes, forces himself to calm down. “How long?”

There’s a flurry of activity behind him and he looks up to see Bobby, Hen, and Chim coming towards him. Eddie doesn’t know what to say, feels himself shaking, and tries to take deep breaths. 

“Is Buck here?” Bobby crouches down.

“I lost him,” Christopher says. 

He lost you, Eddie thinks but doesn’t say. It’s not fair. Buck’s not at fault for a tsunami. 

A hand on his cheek brings him back to the moment, and Eddie looks at his son. “We need to find Buck. He saved me.”

Eddie frowns. “Chris, we need to get you home-”

“No,” Chris says immediately, clinging to Eddie’s shoulders. “Buck’s looking for me, Dad, he wouldn’t just-”

Of fucking course. Eddie hates himself for not thinking about it. Buck loves his son and Eddie trusts him more than anybody else on the planet with Chris’ safety. The list is extremely short. If Chris is here and Buck isn’t, that means Buck is out there somewhere, trying to find Chris. 

“Cap.”

“Take Chris home,” Cap says.

“No,” Chris says, bottom lip wobbling. He looks Eddie in the eye. “I can’t go because Buck wouldn’t go.”

Eddie wants to take his son home. He wants to close the door on the world and never leave. Instead, Hen rests a hand on his shoulder. Eddie doesn’t know what she’s trying to say, but he nods. 

“Chris could stay with me,” she says carefully. “We can stay in the ambulance and help people until you find Buck.”

No.

“I promise he’ll be safe,” Hen says. “I can call Karen and she can come and get him.”

“No,” Eddie says, kissing Chris’ forehead. “I trust you. Chris, we can stay here together.”

“But Dad,” Chris says. “You’re my hero so you have to go and be Buck’s.”

Kid logic. It’s kid logic, but it’s working. Eddie doesn’t know what he’d do if he lost Chris. He knows how close he came, knows what Chris being here means, but he also knows his best friend is out there somewhere, devastated. “Alright.”

“Eddie, you know what this means.”

Eddie ignores Bobby for the moment and holds Chris’ face in his hands. “You stay with Hen, you hear me? You don’t go anywhere unless she tells you to.”

Chris nods and hugs Eddie again. “I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, Chris,” Eddie says, burying his face in Chris’ hair. It takes everything he’s got to hand Chris over to Hen, the father in him screaming. When he’s sure Chris is safely inside the ambulance, he stands, finding the nerves he relied on in Afghanistan. Something flickers across Bobby’s face. 

“You know this isn’t gonna be easy.”

“I don’t care,” Eddie says. “Buck’s there somewhere on blood thinners. I would much rather be with my son right now, but my best friend’s out there, Cap.”

Bobby shares a look with Chim. “There’s nobody to spare.”

“I’ve got a radio,” Eddie says. “He can’t be far, not with how many people are flooding in here. Besides, if you see him, you can radio me.”

“I don’t like this,” Chim says. 

Eddie snaps, “you don’t have to,” and claps Bobby on the arm. Bobby, thankfully, doesn’t try and get him to stop. 

The roads are a mess. 

Everything is a mess. 

Eddie’s never seen the devastation a tsunami can cause up close and he’s not sure he wants to again. Chris was in this. His son. Buck’s still out there. 

There’s a crackle from his radio and Eddie sucks in a breath. “Bobby?”

“It’s me, Dad,” Chris says, as if it should be obvious. “Mr. Bobby said I could call you.”

“That’s good,” Eddie says. His first instinct is to be angry; he can’t concentrate if he knows Chris is waiting, but he cuts those thoughts off. Chris is waiting for him because he’s gotta find Buck. Buck, who’s lost out there somewhere.

Dead, his brain supplies, but no, Eddie’s not gonna think that. 

“Have you found Buck yet?”

Eddie takes a moment to close his eyes. “No. I’m still looking.”

“You should find the fire truck,” Chris says, and Eddie drags his eyes over debris, overturned cars, and dead bodies. Fuck. “We played I Spy on top and Buck told me I was like Dory.”

One foot in front of the other, Diaz. He’s here somewhere. More bodies. A couple at the end of the street and Eddie picks up his pace, jogs over. “One moment, Chris. Hey, my name’s Eddie. You guys alright?”

They’re both women; one looks exhuasted, the other has a gash on her leg. “We’re looking for aid.”

“Back that way,” Eddie says, gesturing towards the VA hospital. “There’s a hospital set up and they’ll be able to help, alright?”

“Thank you,” the exhusated woman says. “Aren’t you going back that way?”

Eddie shakes his head. “No, I’m looking for someone.”

Giving them a description of Buck is hard, but Chris chimes in with what Chris was wearing. The exhuasted woman shakes her head, but the other perks up a little. 

“Christopher.”

“That’s me!” Chris says through the radio.

Eddie’s breath catches when the woman shakes her head. “No, he said he was looking for Christopher.”

“Do you know where he was?” Eddie asks, hope flooding him. If she met Buck, that means he’s still alive. 

Directions spotty at best, Eddie waits only long enough to make sure they know where they’re going and starts off at a jog.

Eddie almost misses him. 

The road is deserted and Eddie’s beginning to think maybe Cap was right; there’s no way he’s going to be able to find Buck. He doesn’t want to fail, doesn’t want Buck to be left out in all of this devastation. Eddie can go home with Chris; Hen, Chim, Bobby. They’ve all got people to go home to, people they love who are safe. Buck’s got Maddie, but he’s alone right now. Alone and possibly injured and thinking about Chris. 

Eddie’s not an idiot; he knows how much Buck cares for Chris. He’s a regular in their household, and Chris adores Buck. He’s always asking to FaceTime, to draw pictures for Buck, talking endlessly about the times they do hang out. Eddie doesn’t know what to do with it, hasn’t been able to think of anything except helping Chris through Shannon’s death. 

Buck, though. He’s—something, and Eddie can’t imagine not having him right there. 

Which, fuck, he thinks, rounding the corner and spotting a slumped figure. He knows who it is. He knows Buck better than anyone else, and when he’s got time he’ll think about that, but he skids to a stop in front of Buck.

Buck looks awful; he’s dirty from head to foot. His arm is bloody, a crude and muddy bandage around his forearm. There are scratches on his face, and tired lines all over his face. Eddie’s heart aches and he crouches down, tries to get Buck to sit up. 

“Chris,” Buck says, breaking Eddie’s heart.=

“Buck,” Eddie says, cradling Buck close. 

Buck tries to turn his face away, but Eddie’s gentle as he traces his thumbs over Buck’s cheeks. Eventually, Buck meets his eyes. He looks devastated, exhausted, and scared in equal measure. “i lost him.”

“Oh no, sweetheart,” Eddie says, pressing his lips to Buck’s temple. “He’s safe. I’ve seen him.”

“I,” Buck starts. Hope, now, and a little disbelief. Before he can say anything else, his face falls and he’s crying. Sobs shake his frame and Eddie pulls him close, worried about the state of Buck’s arm, the way he’s trembling and the weakness in his grip. 

“I’ve got you,” Eddie says. He shifts them, tries to help Buck stand. 

Buck breathes wetly into the curve of Eddie’s jaw. “M’so tired but I gotta find Chris. He’s so little, and Eddie’s gonna be mad if I come home without him.”

“I’m not mad,” Eddie says. “I’m right here and I’m not mad.”

There’s no reply, and Buck sags against him. Eddie’s gotta get back to the hospital. He moves them over to a pile of debris, where’s there’s something to prop Buck against. He kneels next to him, lets Buck rest his head against Eddie’s shoulder and holds the back of his head. 

“Cap?”

“Dad?”

Buck twitches at the sound of Christopher’s voice. 

“Can you get Hen or Bobby for me, Chris?”

“I’m here,” Hen says immediately. “Did you find him?”

“Yeah,” Eddie breathes and can’t help but smile at Chris’ cheer. “We might need a pickup. I don’t like how he looks,” Eddie pitches his voice lower. “Not sure if he’s got a head injury, but he doesn’t recognize me.”

“Shit,” Hen mutters. “Alright, where are you?”

Eddie lists off a rough area of the streets and cuts of contact, but not before assuring Chris they’re bringing Buck home. “Buck?”

Buck still breathing, still clutching weakly at Eddie’s work shirt. “I can’t see Eddie,” Buck says, finally lifting his head. “He’ll never speak to me again.”

If Eddie’s heart wasn’t already broken, he thinks the pieces would shatte beyond repair at the fear on Buck’s face. “I know you don’t believe me, but I promise, I’m right here and I’m not mad. Eddie won’t be mad. I’m not mad.”

It seems easier to wait it out; he holds Buck close and waits for rescue. 

Buck feels like the world’s crushed him beneath its weight. 

Body tired, emotionally wrung out, and fear over his future cloud him as he comes awake on a cot. He automatically panics. He’s not supposed to be here, he’s supposed to be looking for Chris!

“Easy,” someone says, pressing down on his shoulder. 

Eddie. No, he’s can’t be here because that means— 

Buck lets out a sob. “I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, Buck, no,” Eddie says, and his voice is soothing. Is Buck gonna lose that once Eddie knows? Is he gonna have to move away and maybe find something else— Eddie’s hands are on his face, forcing Buck to look him in the eye. Buck tries not to, but it’s better to get it over with. Maybe it’ll hurt less. (It won’t.) “I promise he’s safe.”

“Eddie,” Buck says, voice wobbling. 

“I wouldn’t lie about this,” Eddie says, moving Buck’s face. There’s another cot next to Buck’s, and Christopher is fast asleep, buried under blankets. 

“You found him?” Buck sits up too fast, feeling nauseous and dizzy, but he scrambles to reach for Chris. Eddie lets him, rocks back on his heels and Buck’s hands hover over Chris. “Can I?”

Eddie looks devastated. “Of course, Buck. Of course.”

Buck thinks he’s crying as he runs a hand through Chris’ hair. Chris comes awake quickly, blinking up at Buck. Buck waits, afraid Chris will hate him, but there’s a huge smile on Chris’ face and he sits up, wrapping his arms around Buck’s neck. 

“I knew you’d find me,” Chris says, and Buck can only bury his face in Chris’ hair, tell himself that Chris is safe over and over. “You saved me.”

I lost you, Buck thinks, but doesn’t say. He jumps when someone touches his shoulder, but it’s Eddie. Eddie kisses Buck’s temple and Buck wishes he wouldn’t. He doesn’t deserve it, doesn’t deserve the love Chris is throwing at him. 

Chris falls back asleep quickly, still cradled in Eddie’s arms. 

“What are you thinking?”

“I lost him,” Buck says, voice shaky. “I don’t—I don’t think I should look after him anymore.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything for a long moment, and when Buck meets his eyes, Eddie strokes a hand over his face, fingers warm on the back of Buck’s neck as he cradles him like he’s something precious. Buck doesn’t feel precious. He feels hollowed out, empty, afraid of losing everything. “It’s been a tough day.” Buck makes a noise, but Eddie’s grip tightens a fraction. “I’m tried, Chris is tired, and you’re exhausted. We’re going home—to mine—and I’m gonna put you into bed.”

Buck doesn’t know what to say. 

“Then tomorrow, we’re gonna make breakfast and talk about this, Buck,” Eddie says. 

“Can we just talk now?” Buck asks. “If you’re taking Chris away—”

“No,” Eddie says forcefully, and he leans in, kisses Buck’s birthmark. “I’m never taking Chris away from you, Buck. Not now, not ever.”

Buck doesn’t dare breathe. 

“Are you listening?” Eddie doesn’t continue until Buck nods. “You saved my son. I know that, Chris knows that. One day, I hope you’ll know that. Right now, I want to make sure you’re safe, okay? You and Chris. Talking tomorrow—I just wanna know you’re okay, Buck.”

“I’m not,” Buck whispers, after a long pause. He feels his eyes sting with tears, and Eddie’s there, holding Buck gently and Buck almost can’t stand it. “I haven’t been okay for—I don’t want to do this now, I’m so tired.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Eddie says gently. “We’re just waiting for a ride, and then I promise we’re going home.”

“Home,” Buck says, trying the word. It’s not, he knows that; Eddie’s house is not his.

But then Eddie’s pulling back, wiping away Buck’s tears with gentle touches. “Home. For as long as you need it to be.”

“Don’t promise—”

“Buck,” Eddie says again. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

It feels like it should be more, but Buck’s too exhausted. He lets Eddie pull him back in, hold him and Chris both while they wait to go home. It’s a simple word, but it holds so much more. Eddie’s never lied to Buck; if he says it’s gonna be his home too, maybe Buck can believe it. For now, he’s got Chris, Eddie, and he’s safe. Not okay, not whole, but safe.        

[florenceandthemachine]

broken Tumblr asks part ??: in which I think I figured out that adding a read more into the asks are what breaks them.

anonymous asked:

the team makes Buck cry. send tweet.

hi anon I really am sorry if you were hoping for some hurt / comfort bc uh. this is just the hurt. xoxox

also my love, thanks, and eternal devotion to @buckleydiazs for giving it a quick beta 💖

Buck was on cloud fucking nine.

For a year—an entire year—he had been stuck in the doctors office, twice a month, while they ran test after test after his… multiple accidents. Blood tests, lung tests, flexibility tests, he had been poked like a pincushion and stretched like a rubber band, he had been through physical therapy, occupational therapy, and just regular therapy (hell, he was still in regular therapy), and now finally, finally, he was finished. 

“So, you don’t show any signs of abnormal clotting and your risk for a second pulmonary embolism is low. As far as your ankle goes, but you’ve regained full mobility, and as much as I wish I could take all the credit for that, I know you’ve been working your ass off in therapy. Congratulations, Mr. Buckley.”

He was cleared. Fully out of the woods. Clean bill of health. 

Finally, finally, after a year of hell, he could put everything—his crushed leg, his bleeding lungs, his stupid lawsuit—behind him. Finally, he could breathe easy, easier than he had in a year, and the only thing he wanted to do in the entire world was share the news with his family. 

Normally, Maddie would have been first, but he always felt bad about tying up a dispatcher when he called her at work. Her shift ended in an hour or so, though—like his normally would have, if he didn’t have his schedule switched during doctor days.

Well, if he can’t tell his sister, he can still tell his family. 

“Hey, Chim!”

Buck is all smiles as locks his Jeep, his medical release in hand, jogging easily to catch up to Chim’s retreating backside. Buck grinned as Chim turned around, raising his brow. “Hey, do you and Hen have a second? I wanted to show you both my—“

“Oooh, sorry, no can do Buckeroo. Hen’s taking her MCAT’s in two days, I have every second of her free time booked solid with studying.”

Buck faltered a little bit as they walked, raising his brow. While he really was proud of Chim for doing a full 180 so quickly—going from feeling betrayed to supporting a friend was no easy feat, and Buck knew that as well as anyone, but he also knew that a full day of studying wouldn’t do any good. 

“Come on, Chim, I’m sure she can take a break to—“

“Noooo, Buck.”

“Chim.”

“Buck, seriously. She’s been working too hard for this, and I’m not having you break up her flow. This is important to her, you get that right?”

Of course Buck got it, but…

“I’m not going to let anyone ruin this for her.”

….ruin it? He just wanted to share some good news.

He understood that Hen had to study, and that her upcoming MCATS were really important to her, but this was important to Buck; and for Chim to jump straight to that degree made his heart sink a little bit with each beat, his head traitorously whispering to him ‘what if Chim is right?’. Hen had been one of his biggest supporters as he got off of blood thinners, as he started back into his various therapies, and he had thought he returned the favor, helping her study in his free time whenever he could, and helping her take her mind off of things when she needed to as well—maybe his distractions were more harm than good, but he knew Hen well enough to know that if no one pulled her away from her work, she just wouldn’t eat, sleep, go home, any of it. Was it really that bad that Buck wanted a minute?

He felt his smile start to slip so he hitched it back up, nodding his head. “Yeah, sure, I… okay, just hit me up when you’re all done, I guess?” He said, hoping his voice sounded more confident than he felt. It must have worked, because Chim clapped both of his arms and turned away, leaving Buck standing there for a moment before he shook himself out of it.

It was fine. Hen wanted to study, that was important. Buck tried to pump himself back up as he took the stairs to the loft two at a time, reveling in the simple act of fully rolling his ankle. He tilted his head as he heard Bobby’s voice spill out of his office, turning on his heel to his next target. Besides, Bobby sounded frustrated—some good news would do him good, or so Buck thought. 

“…no, I don’t—no, we can’t just take—wait, what? No, I will not hold!”

Buck almost laughed as he knocked on the Cap’s open door, smiling when Bobby waved him inside.

“Look, forgive me if I’m not entirely sympathetic, but when we’re down an engine, and you can’t tell us when repairs will be done—well then you’d better transfer me to someone who can!”

“Everything alright, Cap?” Buck couldn’t help but smile as Bobby strangled his phone, sighing in defeat when the plastic wouldn’t yield. 

“You know, Marty was a crook in the end, but damn, he was a good mechanic. What’s up, Buck?”

Buck winced at the reminder of the nearly would-be heist, humming thoughtfully as he waved his full release forms. “Well, this shouldn’t take long. I got back from the doctors today, and—“

Bobby’s groan cut him off, hanging his head in his free hand. “No, Buck, no. I can’t have you sick right now, and nothing good ever follows ‘doctor’.”

Buck laughed, but Bobby kept going, the stress of the day and being down an engine clearly getting to him as he continued on. “And the last time I heard “doctor” from you, it was followed by lawsuit, which—yes, I’m still holding, hello?”

Lawsuit?

What the fuck? 

Buck reeled back like he had been slapped, the smile frozen on his face even with Bobby’s clear dismissal. He was glad that he didn’t have to say anything else, at the very least, because his throat felt hot and tight and it was all he could do to stay steady as he pivoted on his heel, walking out of the office. 

He hated the fact that that was the first thing Bobby brought up, but he hated even more how much that dark cloud was still lingering over his head. If Bobby would be so candid when Buck was barely two words in to saying something, who’s to say what choice words he had about Buck when he was gone? 

The lawsuit was the worst part of his life, the biggest mistake he had made, and he couldn’t wrap his head around it being thrown in his face when he was ready to walk in and share what was the best news he had ever received. Is that… all he would have here, all he would have been able to look forward to?

He started back down the stairs, his legs acting independently of the rest of his body, a dull tingling spreading through his chest as he finally sat down. He didn’t know if there was a happy medium between cold and numb (‘shock’, his mind provided, ‘you’re in shock’), but whatever it was, he was deep into it.

God, he had honestly thought that was all behind him. How fucking stupid was he to think that he was going to be able to come back from a mistake that huge, even a year later?

“Buck?”

He could feel himself starting to panic—loathe as he was to admit it—but as per usual, Eddie was a step ahead of the game without even knowing it. Even now, just hearing Eddie take a few steps closer to him started to ease his heartbeat, and he swallowed a few times as he nodded, fighting off the headrush as he was able to breathe again.

“Hey, Buck, you good?”

“Hey, Eddie, uh…hey!” Buck stood up and wiped his hands on his pants, paperwork forgotten next to him as he tried to smile. If anything, he knew—he knew to his very core, he knew, he… he prayed Eddie would be able to share this little victory with him. “Eds, you have a second to talk?“

Buck almost swallowed his tongue as the alarm sounded through the station, his jaw clicking shut as footsteps started to come down the stairs. 

“Hey, we’ll talk later, yeah?” Eddie called, already heading to his locker. It was all Buck could do to hold it together, nodding his head as he waved them off, letting out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding when the ladder pulled out of the station.

--

Eddie may have had a good start on his day, but Buck did not. 

He had woken up, kissed Christopher goodbye as Carla brought him to school, and less than ten minutes later, he had a brown envelope in hand, with a curt “You’ve been served”.

Shannon’s will was being contested. The will that Eddie didn’t even know she had. By her father, who Eddie had only seen twice in several years of marriage. 

The will was simple enough—a few grand left to Christopher’s college fund, a small pair of earrings to her sister, and that was it. There was nothing to contest, in Eddie’s mind, but contested it was.

He looked over the paperwork twice, and it made less sense the second time around—as much as he hated to admit it, the worst part of it all was knowing that Eddie was going to be alone at work again, because Buck had another day off scheduled in the books. 

So yeah, he may have been a little grumpy as he threw a few weights around in the work room for the start of his shift.

As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Eddie was spiraling; he couldn’t understand how someone could be so bitter, so selfish, to try and stop a few thousand dollars from going into a college fund for their grandchild. His mood only soured as his shift went on, there were no distractions, no calls, nothing to help him pull his head out of his ass, and no one he could talk to. Chim had almost bitten his head off when he said hello to Hen that morning, Bobby was dealing with yet another broken down, tax funded nightmare, and Buck—

And Buck was here. 

“Buck?”

Eddie did an honest to god double take as he saw Buck sitting on the bench, like he had been summoned from the depths of Eddie’s mind, even though he looked like he was in a state of shock.

“Hey, Buck, you good?”

He couldn’t lie, it made his heart skip a beat when Buck smiled at him—even if he could tell that Buck’s heart wasn’t in it. 

Before he could say anything more, the alarm sounded through the house, and Eddie was about a step away from fully losing his mind. “Hey, we’ll talk later, yeah?” He said, trying to give a small smile as he started to double back to his locker.

The call, to put it mildly, had not gone well—any fire call where the main focus wasn’t the fire was bound to be troublesome. A ten year old had started a fire in a laundry room, which should have been simple enough, except it was the same laundry room that he and his brother had apparently been locked up on for months. 

Suddenly what started out as a fire call turned into fire, medics, and police, and Eddie felt his hands start to shake as he worked with Hen to revive a ten year old boy. Barely older than Christopher. It wasn’t the first time he had seen abuse face to face, and he knew it wouldn’t be the last, but something about it was working him up more than usual. He was glad his shift was almost over—the only thing he wanted to do was go home, hug his kid, and sleep.

“—ooh, Mads, they’re back, gotta go. Hey, Eddie!”

He knew he was in deep when not even hearing Buck’s voice could brighten his mood—it was all he could do to hitch a half-hearted smile onto his face as he stepped off of the spare rig.

“Good call, right? Maddie said it sounded like everyone should pull through.”

Eddie just felt himself wind up tighter as he shook his head, rolling his jaw to force himself to keep it loose. “No, Buck. It was not a good call. It was a very bad call.” Bad didn’t even begin to cover it. Eddie could still feel his heart in his throat, feel a tiny body in his arms as Hen started compressions.

He was too wrapped in his own world to notice Buck falter, clearly thrown in the conversation. “Well, hey, if you’ve got a second—“

“Come on Buck, give it a break. I just want to get the fuck out of here as soon as I can.”

Pulling his boots off, he tossed them with perhaps a bit more force than needed into his locker, missing the way that Buck’s face shuttered. “You too, huh?”

“‘You too’? The hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Eddie, I just wanted to share some good news, and—“

“Well things aren’t just good or bad, Buck! Just because no one died does not make a good call, and just because things are bad right now doesn’t mean I have to be cheered up. I’m allowed to be pissed off. I’m allowed to have one fucking minute!” Eddie snapped, chucking his jacket against the hamper in the corner, jaw clenched so hard he would have been afraid of cracking a tooth if he was in his right state of mind.

“So please, tell me what is so god damned important that I can’t see my kid until you tell me.”

The moment the words left his lips, he knew it was a mistake. The only person that loved Chris as much as Eddie was Buck, and he knew that, saw that more clearly than ever as his white hot anger dulled into something more manageable. He swallowed as he turned around, and… fuck, Buck wasn’t even looking at him.

“…Buck, I—“

--

“Clean bill of health.”

Buck couldn’t bring himself to look up up as he tossed the stack of papers onto the bench, doing his absolute best to keep himself composed as he spoke, his jaw tight and brow furled. 

He had been so proud of himself for avoiding a panic attack while they were on the call. He had never gotten them before this past year, but between the earthquake, tsunami, Maddie’s kidnapping, and bomb, he had become fast friends with the crushing weight. But he had done well—he kept himself above water, so to speak, and when he called Maddie he was proud to say that his voice was almost steady, and prouder still when she congratulated him for his job well done in therapy, demanding he come over and celebrate tonight. 

Well, even if he couldn’t count on his family friends team, he could always count on Maddie. It was a small joy in the world, but right now, it felt like it was all he had.

“Officially back to 100% mobility in my crushed ankle, officially out of the woods for another clot. Did you know it would take me a year to be clear of another embolism, because I refused blood thinners? Well, I figured you might, since you’re been running calls without me, every other week for a year, while I sit in a hospital room.”

Buck finally brought himself up to meet his teammates eye as Eddie’s frustration started to give way to confusion, and that, that hurt more than anything else today. Had anyone even realized why his schedule changed every other week? Did anyone care? “And alright, like you said, it might not be that important to you all but—“

“Buck, you—“

“But it’s really fucking important to me! All I wanted to do was share the good news with the people who are supposed to be family, my team, and instead all I got was blown off, snapped at—Eddie, I mentioned the word doctor in front of Bobby and his first concern was if he had another lawsuit on his hands.”

Buck was mildly aware that he was shaking��he had never really handled stress like this well—but the bigger concern was the tightening in his throat, that sinking pressure he felt right beneath his lungs. He could handle a lot of things, but that didn’t mean he could handle crying in front of Eddie quite yet.

“It’s been a year, Eddie, and I thought things were getting better, so what gives? What did I do, what have I done to deserve being treated like this? I’m serious, please, tell me, so I can fix it!”

Buck’s voice was reaching a fevered pitch as he gestured around the locker room, feeling himself splinter as he begged, literally begged, to know what he had done—why his work had meant nothing. Would he be mortified later? Probably, but everyone had a breaking point, and Buck was realizing (belatedly) that he was past his.

“All I wanted to do today was share a victory with my team, at least share it with you, you’re supposed to be my best friend, and I—I don’t get why—“

If Buck could clearly see Eddie’s face, he might have laughed at the pale, slack jawed, panicked expression before him. As it was, though, his eyes were starting to burn, and even as he reached to rub them, his body finally gave up, tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“Why is everyone being so fucking mean?” 

Buck didn’t bother with another platitude as he pushed past Eddie, rubbing tear tracks off of his cheeks. He felt his face heat up as he stormed out of the firehouse, fumbling for his keys, and heaven help any member of the 118 who stood in his way. 

--

Buck was crying.

The team had made Buck cry.

Fuck, Eddie had made Buck cry. 

He just stood in the locker room as the sound of Buck’s Jeep faded into the distance, feeling his heartbeat throughout his entire body. All Buck wanted to do was share some positivity with the team, and Eddie had… eviscerated him. He bent down to pick up some of the papers Buck had left behind, his heart falling even further (as if that was possible) as he read over the paperwork.

Fuck.

“Hey, Eddie, is Buck in here? Chim said he wanted to talk to—woah, what’s wrong?”

The sweat on Eddie’s skin had cooled (hell, how long had he been standing there?) and guilt sunk heavier into his stomach as Hen walked into the locker room, with Chim trailing behind her. Eddie’s eyes were still glued to the release in his hand, barely noticing as Chim spoke, staring down at his phone. 

“Uhhh… why is Maddie telling me to camp out with one of you tonight?” he asked the room as a whole, sharing a confused glance with Hen before they both locked eyes on Eddie, who… well, who probably looked as bad as he felt.

Which, considering Eddie felt like he was about to cry himself, was saying a lot.

“We fucked up. I fucked up. I think—I think we broke Buck.”

And he had no idea how to fix it.