#also by independence and freedom i dont mean free to fuck around anyone you want i mean like

[teddykaczynski]

whatever man........ when i was like 19 the idea of being alone forever and ever and ever was so scary but now im like. whatever. bc my 19 year old idea of loneliness was like.... if i cant con a woman into loving me forever and marrying me and moving with me somewhere isolated and only having each other than ill be alone and sad forever. i didnt have hope or faith that i could make friends i would want to spend years and years with and i didnt think id ever connect to a lesbian community. well then life happened and i wasnt 19 anymore and i have friends and i know i can make friends and i have community and while i do feel sad and lonely especially when im with all my friends and most of them are in relationships and at big gatherings they have someone in their corner and i dont. but also i do like independence. and freedom. and i like not dealing with bullshit. like i still do want a wife and whatnot but realizing there are other options and i can be happy without it is like. okay so actually i can do anything

[bigskydreaming]

I’m still thinking through names I like for Cass better than Orphan or Black Bat (which I don’t hate like I do Orphan, but I’ve always felt that the name Black Bat came more out of just ‘come up with something franchise themed’ than trying to find something for Cass specifically), for when she’s not Batgirl or Steph is instead. Not for any particular project or anything, I’ve just been stuck on that train of thought since falling onto it the other day.

I think I’ve given up on it being Red themed lol. My dreams for Batfam symmetry are doomed to come to naught. C’est la vie.

Currently though most of the ideas I have are all central to or revolving around communication or connection, because I honestly think those are thematically so PIVOTAL to who Cass is.....but the danger is something like that coming across as ironic due to Cass not being particularly talkative in a lot of peoples’ interpretations or views, and its absolutely not meant to be, not for the reasons I’m thinking.

Like because the thing about her childhood is....there’s so much to focus on that was fucked up about what David Cain put her through, its impossible to have a specific place to ‘start’. But I think something that definitely at least has to be way up there is the isolation he forced her to live most of her early life in. Deprived of even the POSSIBILITY of connection to others. Because connection is so fundamental to what makes us human. As well as to what makes Cass “Cass.” Cass THRIVES due to the connections she chooses for herself. Don’t get me wrong, she’s fully capable on her own, its not about suggesting she’s reliant on them.....for me, its more about the triumph of her having the freedom and CHOICE now to connect herself to as many people as she chooses, when originally her father had meant for her to basically exist APART from society. Emphasizing the importance of connection and communication to Cass is like, a definite fuck you to her dad and his plans for her, a symbol of her freedom and independence. 

But also its not JUST that, because its also just about the sheer joy of connecting for Cass, because its the fulfillment of dreams she never really expected to become reality. Because as much as her life with David defined a large portion of her childhood, she was also shaped in no small part by the years she spent on her own....where even though she was out from under Cain’s thumb, she was still influenced by the specter of him and everything he’d ever said to her. She kept herself apart from society for the most part, even though now technically she was free to mingle among it if she chose....because she felt guilt-ridden over the death she’d been party to though it had never truly been her fault and she was very much Cain’s victim there as well as the man who died, rather than him being her victim.

But the point is, a lot of the second half of her childhood was spent in silence as well, albeit self-imposed silence....except also no, fuck that, it wasn’t self-imposed because she was still suffering from the trauma of her worldview being so heavily shaped and influenced by her abusive fucknugget of a father, who’d essentially spent years convincing her that words weren’t for her, that communication, that connection, those were things for people other than her but would forever elude her because she just wasn’t BORN to partake in those things. She stayed outside of society, made no real effort to figure out if she COULD learn to communicate like others did, because her abuse in no small part had revolved around making her believe it was just her place to be silent, her role. That a weapon didn’t need words.

So in the family and fulfillment Cass found later in Barbara and Bruce and Steph and others, like.....it wasn’t just about her finding companionship or even a sense of purpose or direction......she found a voice. Even if she speaks more with sign than out loud or even if she has trouble translating her thoughts into words or sign language due to learning disability or the like, Cass very much COMMUNICATES, she connects, she has things to say, and she more than anyone understands the importance of a voice, whether spoken or written or signed, of the power inherent in just being able to use it and express oneself.

And its equally key that Bruce and Babs and others didn’t GIVE that to her, because how could they? It was something she had all along because the reality is no matter how hard he tried, it was something Cain couldn’t truly take from her. All he could do (and make no mistake, I use “all he could do” to emphasize the ultimate failure of his attempts to control her rather than to dilute the extent of trauma his abuse did inflict) - but even his attempts to cut her off from people and isolate her via an inability to communicate.....they relied wholly on denying her the tools and opportunities to learn how to make use of her voice, of the things she wanted and needed to say. 

So its not a gift that Babs and Bruce bestowed on her, because it wasn’t something anyone COULD give her anymore than it could fully be taken from her. But they did help her find that she had things to say and she had ways to say them. That she deserved to be heard and understood as much as anybody, and that she had so much in her that had just been waiting for someone to tell it to and ways for her to do that. They helped show her how to connect her voice to the right audiences for it, to communicate to people who would hear her and as Batgirl and Black Bat.....to people who NEEDED to hear her. For whom the things she could communicate via her actions and protection as much as anything else.....like that was a message they needed to hear themselves due to the abusers and villains in their own lives.

And I just see that as so.....triumphant for Cass is the word I honestly keep going back to the most.

I’ve called Dick’s approach to vigilantism his form of performance art. Carrying something that holds great importance to him even if others might overlook its significance, into what he does as a vigilante in ways that everyone he helps benefits from. Even if they don’t realize that his light-hearted performances even while sweeping them out of the path of danger is as much to help buffer them from the trauma of what is happening to them and how much they’ve already suffered.....those are as much a part of his aim to protect and make peoples’ lives better as his actual martial arts.

In the same sense, I consider Cass’ approach to vigilantism her form of connectivity. Its her message to people who need to hear, to see, to believe that there is help for them out there, that there is someone who wants to come for them, someone who wants to bring them out of whatever hole or isolation or danger they’ve fallen or been forced into....they need this as much as Cass needs it to be able to say look at me, look at my actions, I did that, I said that, that was ME.

For Cass, I feel vigilantism is about finding her voice, finding ways to put into message form others can understand even on a primal level the things she wants to communicate, that she wishes had been communicated earlier to her...that everyone deserves to be connected, to have connections, and to just....speak. In whatever form they can or choose to.

Its about the ability and freedom to use her voice, to impart her messages....and see those things have IMPACT. Be heard. Seen. Communicated.

And for those reasons I keep coming back to something like Songbird, but its ugh....its such a Catch 22. It would be so easy to misconstrue, but honestly I think it fits what I’m describing so well and like.....whatever, ultimately it doesn’t matter since this is just a headcanony thing anyway and not going to actually change anything, but like....I am The Undecided.

(Also I know Marvel already has a Songbird, but a) I dont care, like Marvel is stupid so umm why would that even matter yeah thats what I thought and b) I mean Songbird is an easy name to attach to any color one wants to make part of her name and ascribe particular significance to. Like she could be Red Songbird? Scarlet Songbird? Yes? No? Give up the dream Kalen, Big Red, Middle Red and Lil’ Red just ain’t it? Ugh, fine. Booo.)

But anyway, that’s what I’ve been musing on.

[short-simple-crystalclear]

To answer this question I need to tell you a bit more about the background. You know about those things more or less but I will interlink them with one another and it will be clearer when they are in one place.

I will tell you how my life looked before we happened.

Unstable, no commitments, jumping from one place to another, disappointment with people, constant nonfulfillment, the same companion all the time - me and me only. You know already that I am a seeker, every day, every minute, seeking for satisfaction, for meaning, for something that could fill that void inside me. It was very hard, I was unhappy, always acting as if everything was alright, being there for others and not for myself, changing environments as often as I could to finally find a place where I would feel good and comfortable. Apart from this, highly developed self criticism, constant efforts to improve myself - my interpersonal skills, my education, qualifications, my personality, my appearance. Because I still had this void in me, what is it? Lack of meaningful relationships? Low self-esteem? Lack of self acceptance? I didn’t know, so I worked on everything, always pushing myself over my limits. And constantly distracting myself from this feeling of emptiness and lacking. Either by next job, next bartender or barista training, excel courses, tax advisory courses, work and travel in America, study exchange, crossfit, yoga, japanese, eating, sleeping, going to the cinema alone, listening to the music at full volume. Everything I could find to meet new people, to forget about myself for a minute and to find meaning. I really was miserable, I could be surrounded by people who cared for me and adored me, and I still felt as if I was alone. But because it has been lasting for so long, I learned to deal with it. And here comes my mindset, my habits, everything that I must have given up before deciding you will be my future husband.

Freedom and individualism - those became (subconsciously) my most important values in life. I could go anywhere I wanted, so I was going, I didnt have any relationships, it was great, I didnt have to explain myself and my bizarre ideas to anyone. But because it was quite painful I started creating this vision of myself in my mind - what will I do, where will I work, where will I go during those times of the year which are associated with family and other people. I have experience in spending New Years eve alone (or with my parents, so the same thing) since 2014. In Poland not going to a party on New Year’s Eve means that you are a loser and a social zero. So I was both, invisible and social zero, no one could know about this, it is too shameful, it shows how unattractive I am, so I had to lie about my plans to people who asked me what was I doing. But yeah, I already had experience with New Year’s.

Next, Christmas - right after I move out from Poland I most likely wont go back home for Xmas because why would I? For the past 3 years I have treated every Christmas spent with my family as the last one. So I made peace with it too.

Next, and this is the biggest one, my normal everyday life - I will hire myself in a company or sth, climbing the career ladder, not worrying whether I will have kids or not because I wasnt even sure if I wanted them. How my life would look like? I live alone, go to work in the morning, go back from work in the evening, I go to yoga class or any other place and then I sit at my home and look for more opportunities for myself to grow. Still, no commitments, maybe random sex maybe not (depending on my confidence and relationship with my body), no adjusting to anyone else, changing social circles often (to avoid commitment) or being alone since I am so comfortable with my own company after all of these years. Besides, I cant trust anyone, people want to hurt me or destroy my plans and make me fail. It’s easier to be alone and observe everyone, and silently work on my achievements so no one can see. Do you remember our first fight? About sleeping around? That’s exactly what I (and you) was fighting with, I said “When it comes to me, sex was the only thing left that I couldn’t do without a man”. Exactly. And I wrote even more concerning this “I could imagine myself hitting 30, with my “dream job” making me miserable, with good apartment, surrounded by expensive things which were supposed to make me less lonely, with my eating disorder thriving, and with my vibrator in the drawer next to my bed, definitely overused one.” Similar to what I have written a couple of lines up, right? But that was my future in my mind, I planted this seed and accepted it. This was the way to prevent myself from more disappointment, broken heart and loneliness. I prepared myself in advance for all of them. I knew it was bad for me, but it was the only way I could cope with my hopelessness.

So what did I have to give up when I started a relationship with you? That I could go anywhere I wanted without much planning, that I could be fully flexible with my decisions because there was no other person involved, that I didnt have to know where I will end up in the end because I can always move and find a new place for myself. I had to give up my constant search for meaning and fulfillment. I had to give up my independence. Because if I am in a relationship I cant have secrets, I cant make plans that nobody knows about, I cant just go out without saying anything, I cant make decisions by myself without taking anyone else into consideration. I cant follow my strategy anymore - that no one really knows who I really am, no one knows my stories. I still perceived myself as not ready, not good enough, not having enough to give, because I knew how unstable I am, I knew well my urges to run away from people, I knew that I indeed loved being careless and free. Freedom, I understood and loved it, and I couldn’t give it up. I didn’t have much but I had this total independence, no matter how many mistakes I made, how bad my situation was, I could just turn around, change my living place and create my new identity over and over again. I also used it to stay myself, after giving away myself to others for years, I could go away and recover. I knew the costs were high, but at least I didn’t have to pay the greatest cost - being myself and accept everything that comes with it. I knew it was bad for me, I knew that. But that was living in me, so strongly, those were my reactions and thoughts which I had for years. That mindset was very important to me - not staying anywhere for too long, trying new things, being independent and not having to explain myself to anyone, changing people so they cant develop expectations. I didnt start any romantic relationship to protect myself from exposure and rejection when he finds out how I really am.

When I met you I had to give up all of that thinking, I had to make a mess with my life and destroy the whole system with no guarantee that I wont fuck up this relationship too because my demons will take over.

Now you can see why I behave in a way I behave, why I misbehave and do those unpredictable things. I decided I would give up all of this, but they are still troubling me, they dont want to let go. They are hijacking me from time to time and I have to fight with them. Unfortunately, sometimes I lose the duel, and then hurt you. Examples are: when I run away in September, when I wasn’t replying to you at the beginning of January for the whole day, when I triggered our first fight about sleeping around, female masturbation and vibrators, that’s why I still considered HPV vaccine even though you said we don’t need it, that’s why I dont like sending pictures of me to you, that’s why I say “everything is fine” even if it isnt, that’s why I had this dilemma about Toronto and couldnt see from the very beginning that you are most important to me, that’s why I didnt want to tell you about antidepressants, that’s why I was thinking and thinking again about our relationship and assessing whether I am still an asset to you, that’s why I asked if you would accept me if I leave you now and come back after a couple of years, that’s why I was pushing you away and pulling you closer, that’s why I ask for reassurances when you say you want me or you love me, that’s why I provoke you and actually cross the line, that’s why I make you uncomfortable sometimes with what I say, that’s why I kept you at arm’s length distance sometimes, thats why I believed that no one is irreplaceable and that love is conditional, that’s why I didnt want to go public with our relationship, at least on my side, that’s why at first I was telling you that you will have another wife, because I was afraid I will hurt you and let you down, that’s why I wasn’t so sure if I want to start a relationship with you at first, because I was sure I will ruin you and hurt the person that I love the most on this planet. I was pushing you away not because I wanted freedom, I was pushing you away because I could see how strong these demons and this thinking are inside me. And I was frightened that I would leave you one day in the future when it’s already too late, when you invest too much, when you completely adjust your life to be with me and when it’s too late for you to forget about me and find another girl for yourself. You can see that I had a lot of issues from the very beginning but you didn’t know because I wasn’t communicating them. And now I am communicating them but they are not as strong anymore.

And this void is still present there, I am still self conscious and too shy. When you came you didnt fill these holes in me, you didnt fix what was broken. No. You created new things, you created spheres that I never had, you built your own creations in my mind. And they are all warm, loving and comfortable. And now my mind and my body is colorful, there’s a lot of vibrant colors which you brought but there is also a lot of darkness. All I have to do is to give up on those destructive mechanisms that are old and no longer supportive and focus on the new ones. And I am relieved it is like this, I really am. You know why? Because you have built something sustainable, you are not a guy for one night who will help me forget about myself, you are not amphetamine which could get me high for a couple of hours. And it brings me peace and tranquility, that I am not using you to fill this void only and discard you when you stop “working”. But it will take me some time to unlearn all of the things that I was doing for years. I can clearly see how much I have changed during the past 6 months, from a complete doubt through confusion to a total belief. How I perceived myself unworthy of your love and now I accept it.

It wasn’t a coincidence that I was single. And you know how many opportunities I had to start a relationship, but I never had one because no one was worth it. Worth leaving my principles and plans. Until I met you. And when I am saying that I don’t want to be with anyone else I know what I am saying. I don’t want to be with anyone else.

And this Toronto thing, oh Elias. I never did something like this before, I think it was the biggest sacrifice of my life, because indeed, I did sacrifice my “alternative life”, pleasing others, forgetting about myself and helping them, doing the most unexpected thing without consequences, cutting my current relationships, turning my life upside down. But giving up Canada is a one thing, I won’t even apply, even though I already paid for the application fee, it means that I didn’t leave a second door for myself, I can’t run away in case I change my decision, there’s no way back, and I always, always leave a buffer zone for myself. Not this time, I can’t change my mind next month or in two months. It’s like I gave up my own security, my backup, part of my identity. I have never done more to any other person, never. I gave up my way of living. And it’s all for you.

[teachersdailydiary-blog]

18 life lessons i learned in 18 years.

1.- never beg someone to love you, if they want to leave, let them, better ones are coming. You are important, and you deserve people that make you feel that way.

2.- choose happiness, make yourself happy making the right things, choosing the right decisions, dont depend on anyone else to make you happy, choose you first and the rest will follow.

3.- always try to save money, work for it, earn it, stop waiting for success to come by its own way, when you grow up and have your monetary independance you start being free.

4.- if you like someone, tell them, but also if you are not interest in a person, let them know. Dont play with someone else's feelings, because karma is real, and what you do at some point it is going to return.

5.- speaking of karma, always do good, but remember that every person has their time, and karma knows how and when to be served. Its not your job to make people pay for their debts, it will come when life decide it has to be.

6.- always do the things you love, dont let anyone tell you that is stupid, or a waste of time. If something makes you happy just do it.

7.- also respect other people freedom and happiness, if you do someting that hurt others, stop doing it, when you live in peace with yourself and the people around you, everything is easier.

8.- when you feel down and sad, and you dont know how to stop it, get a pet, a dog, cat, hamster, fish, find distractions that make you stop thinking about yourself and your misfortunes.

9.- Collect memories, find what is important to you and keep it, take pictures, make playlists with songs that make you smile and remind you of precious moments, write letters and save the ones that are given to you, someday you will find them and you will be thankful you have them.

10.- always find the humor in life, find the positive side of the story, dont take life too serious, well with the exception #11.

11.- life can be fun, also your education, take it seriously, always try to be the best you can because being good at things,specially in your career, can open you a lot of doors.

12.- love whoever you want, a girl, a boy, a dog, it doesnt matter! Love is not defined by a gender, love is about compromise, understanding, patience, love is about being comfortable with someone who makes you happy all the time. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

13.- talk to other people, try to go out when you have the chance, say yes to parties, dinners, movies, say yes to life. Embrace the fun things it has to offer.

14.- cry when you feel the need to do it, be sad, scream at the top of your lungs, write down your feelings, or tell them to someone, get everything out of your chest, but dont let sadness consume you, go to the next page, start from cero with a new point of view, and try to be happy.

15.- the world is a magical place, with endless posibilities, millions of places and billions of people, go out and discover what it has to offer you, travel to cities you never thought you will visit, find new parks, climb big mountains and swim in the ocean. Just discover the world.

16.- eat and exercise, dont stop eating, thats nuts!! Eat whatever you want, burgers, fries, fruits, eating is the biggest pleassure of us humans, and if you feel bad about your appearance just go running in the mornings or go to the gym. Life needs to be balanced.

17.- love yourself, you are unique in this universe, you can only do you, stop comparing to other people, embrace your personality and your charisma, you will conquer everything when you realize how fucking special you are.

18.- always put good energy out there, people can be mean and selfish, but you can make a big difference. Be kind, be humble, be graceful, be grateful. Enjoy every moment, love the people who loves you. The universe returns to you what you put out.

I was feeling really inspired, i think i have learned a lot of stuff this 18 years of life in this planet we call earth, i wanted to share some of my "wisdom" with you.

Peace out fellas. Be happy. Always.

[a-memoir-of-me-blog]

convo with cousins bf again lol. talking about sus government shit

Him: the only thing i learned in financial literacy is that life is unfair (no its not. Its made to be unfair). And EMT who saves lives makes less than a carpenter who makes cabinets (ok. One...almost all those emt cases are preventable but because the oligarchy and all that other bs, and wanting money to insurance and money to healthcare and all that and big pharm...they dont care about the EMT. and also the carpenter is an entrepreneur who MAKES things that benefit people..kinda), and apparently a girl who wanted to be a nurse made more money than both of them combined. It just doesnt make sense. (also because the nurse is the one who gives the meds from big pharm. But some are good. some…)

Me: there has to be a reason and explanation behind this tho

Him: i was a biologist and needed a bachelors and i STILL made less than her. She needed an associate's or something. I guess life isnt fair

Me: a nurse requires a BS in nursing school lol

Him: i was a dang biologist but the EMT and carpenter combined were like 70% of what the nurse made.

Me: because a biologist works for big companies and/or the government (with the best beneifts possible, that they dont even need $ bc it is all provided) and create and discover things for the advancement of health and science and all that. They dont do it for the money or the incentive. But it can also go the other way, where it is just the government and the big corp, insurance, big pharm are the ones who hate the advancements and will start war, will make a huge PR and media stunt. Create tensions in areas, etc….because they want to keep the power to themselves. Those in the healthcare sector like that feed all the meds to the already sick people and they help out with the cycle. So ofc they will be paid higher salaries (but there are also good sides to this...just got to know all your info…what you are consuming and why….) they keep the big pharm and insurance and real estate sector booming. Like?? Keep the richest ones allowed because money (idk what i meant). Its funny. How america also loves to invade all these countries to spread democracy (aka business) (aka steal their resources, kill the planet, kill their people, have a “shortage”, get people to fight, raise food prices and water prices and health prices)...but hey...money! But now what lol. When we all are suffering and all those people who created the world around us will go into hiding and we all fight to the finish because of hunger games? Like tf…”spread democracy” my fucking ass. Also its a “religious” thing? No its not. Its a greed and growing culture of that and the 7 sins.

Him: oh not to mention we “coincidentally” only have beef with countries without centralized banks. Anyone with a truly independent economy is the enemy. (that is the goal….be the enemy of these powerful people. But be the one to give light and empower those under them, and free them). Because they still have the freedom and power and arent manipulated by media and can revolt easily. And they can come into power because they are incorrupt and not fearful (but ISIS and all those groups--shit...even NK...all to scare tbh...but it scares us so much that is brings us together...and we improve on things that needed to improve and everything on media was fake)

Me: Kind of like 9/11 lol

Him: i just wish people werent so damn greedy. If i were to have like 500 million i would not try to get any richer (what i would do is make things to then make it spread to more people and to give life to more generations to come) like shit that would last my bloodline to be rich for at least 3 generations. Theres a point where there is too much (like in hamlet...when the king has too much good and too much power and then kills for more….then he gets killed….and that person and the other person….and they all end up dying together in vain and greed and all that and never go to heaven)

Me: but we arent just talking individuals. We're talking whole nations, as if a whole nation isnt rich no one will be able to get rich (its the other way, young g). However, just because a country isnt rich doesnt mean their people arent rich (like they might just be working ode and milking off of it but not sending their money back--bad economy--no spending--raise taxes--get them internally). Saudi is an example. Seem “super rich” but most of their people are dirt poor and suffering and thats exactly like america. A lot of americas unknown side is like that.

Him: america itself isnt a first world country. Theres spots in the world that are objectively worse than third world countries.

Me: exactly. And a lot has to do with the fact of pop control, power and control control. And we abandon them and not let them advance and be the future of creating a better world, but then again, when there is too much advancement and too much competition, it would halt because we just can't keep up--and then we would need to have to bring things down again somehow. And i mean like the people and the competition and the euphoria. So rn we just waste a lot of money on war because it is the scaring time to advance more and we are going to start having a competition with those rich conservative greedy people and we get richer by hurting the vulnerable. And if we stop….we’re just going to go back to an outside war, because we are constantly at war--media, consumption, work, buying, etc….

Me: lol. Trump is only banning muslims from poor islamic countries that dont have business with us lol. But you know...politics is business….business is life….(more on this later on)

Him: trump apparently knows what hes doing, but only to further his business ventures. Thats why he didnt put his business in a blind trust nor release his tax returns. Hes gonna be like bush a lot. During the bush admin the price of gas went up double digit % (more on this later on tesla and more deeper stuff) claiming it was cause of the war in the middle east when alaska had massive oil supplies. He just boosted the price to get rich on purpose and set the “war on terrorism” as a blame war. From a moral less pov, its genuis