#also btw tears look very much like tiny flames

[eri-pl]

Don't you love

the color

of the sky

(inspired by that one fake poll, as color palette)

[krizaland]

Dib x Male!Reader, but Zim also had feelings for y/n, maybe something similar to the Tak episode but Zim genuinely likes them

You got it, friend!!

Here is the song I used btw

Ever since your first day of Skool, you could tell right off the bat that both Zim and Dib liked you.

Zim was always blushing and stuttering around you. And Dib would cut his paranormal rants short the moment you walked into class.

It wasn’t long before you decided to talk to them.

You decided to start with Dib since he seemed easier to approach.

After sitting with him at lunch, you and Dib quickly became the best of friends.

You found his knowledge of the paranormal endearing and actually enjoyed going cryptid hunting together!

You never once called him weird nor creepy! Hell, you even stuck up for him whenever someone bullied him.

However, you drew the line at exposing Zim.

You felt like Dib was being a bit too hard on Zim.

Thus you decided it was finally time to talk to Zim.

Unfortunately, Dib was less than thrilled and would constantly try to keep you away from him.

Luckily the next day, Dib seemed to be absent.  As much as you hoped he was alright, you decided to use the opportunity to have a chat with Zim.

You found him sitting by himself at lunch.  He gave his lunch tray a sniff before recoiling in horror.

“Hey, can I sit with you?”

The sound of your voice caught Zim off guard.

“I’M PERFECTLY NORMAL!” Zim screeched as he jumped up onto the table.

“I…didn’t say you weren’t….”

“Oh, you didn’t? Well why else are you here Y/N-Beast?! Come to bring me to the Dib-monkey?!” Zim asked as he poked your chest.

“No! No! I’ve actually been trying to convince Dib to stop calling you an alien.” You explained gently.

“Eh? Really?” Zim’s eyes narrowed.

“Yes, really! I want to show him that you’re not an alien!” You confirmed with a nod.

“Well then, strangely attractive human-worm beast! I shall give you all the proof you need!”

And with that, Zim sat back down and picked up his spoon.

“Witness my perfectly normal bean-chewing!”

After making sure you were looking, Zim gingerly took a heaping spoonful of beans and slowly led it to his mouth.

His arm shook as his face begun to sweat. Zim fought back the urge to vomit as he shoved the beans into his mouth.

Zim sounded like he was dying as he struggled to choke down the beans.

“You see? I’m…perfectly..ACK!!!!”

You let out a gasp as Zim fell backwards out of his seat.

“Yummy….”  He whimpered weakly.

You rushed over to check on Zim and let out a gasp of horror!

There, sprawled out on the floor, was a horrifically disfigured Zim.

His head was so swollen it throbbed as a glowing green substance oozed out of it!  Zim’s breathing was heavy as his worm like tongue hung out of his mouth.

“Oh god! Zim!”

Without thinking, you dove behind the table, scooped up Zim, and rushed him out of the lunchroom.

“Don’t worry, Zim! I’ll get you to the nurse! She’ll know what to do!” You reassured as you kept running.

“No…Nurse….”

Zim’s words made you stop dead in your tracks.

“No nurse?”

“Take me….to…locker……” Zim begged as he coughed up more ooze.

“Ohh-kay then…”

After bringing Zim to his locker, Zim slid out of your arms, opened it, and pulled out a large strange-looking pump.

Before you could even blink, Zim put the pump on his head.

SLURP! SLURP! SLURP!

The pump slowly drained the ooze from Zim’s head and emptied it into a clear container.

Zim panted as he removed the pump and pulled out a can of soda from his PAK.

“Are you ok?” You asked as you gave Zim a concerned look.

“Of course I am! Zim is always fine-” Zim took a sip of his soda- “I just simply had a perfectly normal human allergic reaction!”

“Err…Ok then… Are you sure you don’t need to see the nurse?”

Zim quickly finished his soda before acknowledging your question.

“What? Oh right! Worry not, Y/N-beast! Zim is perfectly fine! No need to get the nurse involved.” Zim’s voice quivered as he flicked his wrists.

“Well glad to see you’re ok. I guess this happens to you a lot since you have that pump thingy,” You noted as you rubbed the back of your head.

“Yep but thanks to my SUPERIOR healing skills I recover quickly!” Zim boasted as he put a hand on his chest.

You couldn’t help but chuckle at Zim’s over the top behavior.

You decided to hang out with Zim for the rest of the day.  

Zim was actually a very interesting guy! He even shared your sense of humor!

You couldn’t understand why Dib kept accusing Zim of being an alien. If anything, Zim was just a little weird. Being weird doesn’t make anyone an alien right?

Zim found himself growing fond of you as well!

He hadn’t expected a human to be so interesting! Let alone so attractive and kind!

The longer he talked with you the more Zim’s PAK sparked!  

His feelings were scary and confusing but Zim never wanted them to go away!

No matter how his squeedillyspooch fluttered, Zim just couldn’t resist you!

Zim found himself wanting you to stay by his side longer and longer!

When the Skool day came to an end, Zim practically floated all the way back to his base.

“Gah! Look at me! I’m feeling all…tingly..and sparky! I’m becoming weak….Y/N must’ve given me some kind of Urth illness!” Zim threw off his disguise,  “Computer! Preform a bioscan for any illnesses!”

“SCANNING….SCANNING!!!!”

ZAP!

“BIOSCAN COMPLETE! NO ILLNESSES FOUND!”

“WHAT?! IMPOSSIBLE! Why else would I be feeling all…mushy and stuff?!” Zim whined as he gestured to himself.

“I DON’T KNOW…MAYBE YOU JUST LIKE Y/N?”

“LIES!!! I-”

“Nya!”

Zim was cut off by Minimoose’s tiny voice piping up.

“Eh? How can having FILTHY FEELINGS for Y/N possibly be a good thing?!” Zim demanded as he shot Minimoose a glare.

Minimoose was unfazed by their Master’s outburst.

“Nya!”

“Use Y/N to help keep up appearances?” Zim hummed as a large grin spread across his face.

“Yes….That just might work!”

The next day, you told Dib everything that had happened at lunchtime.

“Y/N! How could you help him?! He was probably trying to trick you or something!” Dib scolded as he threw his hands into the air.

“Dib, I couldn’t just let him leak all that goo everywhere!” You huffed as you folded your arms.

“Did you at least get any-HEY!”

Dib was cut off by Zim shoving him aside

“Y/N-Beast! I have come to offer you the most AMAZING opportunity you will ever receive in your inferior human existence!” Zim announced dramatically as he pointed to the ceiling.

Caught off guard by Zim’s interruption, you simply blinked in surprise.

“From the moment we’ve met you’ve proven yourself to be a worthy ally! Your physical appearance is pleasing and I can tolerate your presence! Therefore I now bestow upon you the honor of being MY LOVE PIG!” Zim sang as he threw his hands into the air.

You opened your mouth to speak but Dib piped up.

“NO! Y/N! DON’T LISTEN TO HIM! IT’S PROBABLY A TRAP!” Dib wailed as he sprung in front of you.

“TRAP?! I can assure you this offer is no trap! Y/N, YOU are the only one worthy of being my love pig” Zim cleared his throat, “So what do you say?”

You tired to speak but yet again, Dib cut you off.

“He says no! You can pick on me, Zim but I won’t let you hurt Y/N! I care about him far too much!” Dib snarled as he jammed a finger into Zim’s chest.

“YOU DARE SUGGEST THAT I WOULD HURT Y/N?! I’M OFFENDED YOU WOULD EVEN THINK I WOULD DO SUCH A THING!” Zim roared as he swatted Dib’s hand away.

“Why do you care so much about Y/N anyway?! I thought your kind didn’t need anyone!” Dib growled.

“I think the real question is why do you care about Y/N so much, Dib-worm?!” Zim snapped as he snapped a finger in Dib’s face.

“Because I…..Because I….” Dib trailed off as his words got caught in his throat.

“Because you what?”

“Because I love him ok?!” Dib gasped as he quickly clamped his hands over his mouth.

You nearly stumbled backwards at the confession while Zim simply stared at Dib incredulously.

Zim shook away his shock and let out a giggle. The giggle grew and grew until he burst into a full on fit of laughter.

Dib’s face glowed bright red as he tried to sink into his coat.

“Oh, you hideous fool! You can’t possibly love Y/N!” Zim wheezed as he wiped away a few tears.

“Oh yeah?! And just why not?!”

“Because I love Y/N more than your big smelly head can comprehend!” Zim cackled as he threw his hands in the air.

“No way! I love Y/N more! You probably don’t even know what love is!” Dib snarled as he glared into Zim’s eyes.

“GRARGH!! I LOVE Y/N MORE AND I CAN PROVE IT!”

Before Dib could say another word Zim trotted up to you and cleared his throat.

“Conquering worlds is what makes me feel alive! It’s the life I decide as I destroy everything in sight! But when I’m by your side, your voice sounds ever so kind. It’s what’s guiding me and gives me peace of mind!”

Zim gave you a wink before dramatically putting a hand on his forehead.

He imagined himself as the ruler of Urth as flames rained down from the sky!

“Doom from above is all that I’m dreaming of! But you showed me a world beyond the skies that I can touch! From that day ever more I felt my insides so brightly beating! Bursting with this lovey-dovey feeling now!”

The flames turned into heart bubbles as Zim’s fantasy came to an end.

Zim took your hands in his and gently spun you around.

“All I need to survive is to be right by your side! It’s the pulse through the night that sets my soul alight! Can’t believe even me could laugh on so easily as I’m taken by the beat in the quantum breeze!”

Zim tried to twirl you into his arms only to find that Dib had pulled you out of his grip.

Zim let out a low growl as he tried to glare in Dib’s direction, only to gasp as Dib darted down the hall with you in tow.

Once Dib was certain you and he were far enough away from Zim, he took your hands in his and gazed into your eyes.

“All that I know is that I hate being alone. Cause wherever I go there’s the fear I’ll end up on my own so, Right by my side take my hand and hold it tight. Cause it’s you that is guiding me and gives me peace of mind!”

Dib hung his head low as he remembered how poorly he was treated by his peers and his family.

“When I’m all alone I’m just nothing but a joke, but you gave me hope and validation even so!”

Dib’s face lit up as he looked back up at you.

“From that day ever more I felt my heart so brightly beating bursting with this lovey-dovey feeling now!”

Dib gripped your hands tighter and pulled them closer to his chest.

“All I need to survive is to be right by your side! It’s the pulse through the night that sets my heart alight! Can’t believe even me could laugh on so easily as I’m taken by the beat in the quantum breeze!”

You opened your mouth to speak again when-

FWOOM!

Zim had activated his PAK’s jets and was zooming down the hall.

Before you could even process what was happening, Zim scooped you up and made his getaway.

“Hey! Let Y/N go, Zim!” Dib demanded as he chased after him.

“Ha! Now you’re all- ACK!”

CLANG!

Zim crashed into a nearby pole, causing you to fall out of his arms.

“Don’t worry, Y/N! I’ve got you!” Dib reassured as he quickly caught you.

“T-Thanks for the save…” Was all you could utter as your mind struggled to process what was happening.

“Let’s get you to safety.”

And with that, Dib ran as fast as his legs could take him.

Unfortunately, Zim quickly peeled himself off of the pole and followed suit.

“RETURN MY Y/N YOU INFERIOR STINK WORM!!”  Zim roared as he picked up the pace.

Dib was unfazed by Zim’s threats and continued running.

He swerved around poles, he jumped over random pieces of trash on the floor, and he even plowed by the other students.

Zim struggled to dodge the obstacles but continued his chase.

Eventually Dib found himself running out of breath.

He stopped behind a locker to catch his breath before looking down at you.

“All I need to survive is to be right by your side. it’s the pulse through the night that sets my heart alight-”

SWIPE!

Zim swooped in and snatched you out of Dib’s arms.

“Can’t believe even me could laugh on so easily! Like an angel in the sky flying high and free!”

Dib let out a growl and tried to out-sing Zim as he gave chase once more.

“All I need to survive is to be right by your side! It’s the pulse through the night that sets my heart alight! Can’t believe even me could laugh on so easily as I’m taken by the beat in the quantum breeze!”

Eventually, Dib managed to chase Zim into a corner.

“It’s over, Zim! There’s nowhere left for you to hide!” Dib announced dramatically.

Zim opened his mouth to speak but you finally managed to get a word in

“STOP!!! Guys! I love you both ok?! Can’t you guys just share me or something?!”

“WHAT?!” Zim and Dib exclaimed simultaneously.

“ME?! SHARE WITH THE HORRIBLE DIB-STINK?! NEVER!” Zim snarled as he clung to you protectively.

“Y/N! Have you gone crazy?! There’s no way I’ll share with an evil alien monster!” Dib snarled as he folded his arms.

“Either you two share me or I won’t date either of you!” You threatened and you turned up your nose.

Zim and Dib exchanged horrified looks.

“Ugh! Fine! I’ll share you with Zim…” Dib sighed as he hung his head.

“What about you, Zim?” You asked sweetly.

Zim growled for a moment  before his face softened a bit.

“Oh-kay….But I get to hold your superior hand!”

“Great! Can you put me down now?” You asked gently.

“Oh yeah, of course.” Zim muttered casually as he slowly landed and released you from his grip.

You wobbled a bit as you regained your balance.

“Thanks for being such good sports, guys! I promise neither of you will regret this!”

And with that, you pulled Zim and Dib into a group hug and gave them each a kiss on the cheek.

[honeymoonjin]

day 11 & 12

With Festa in full swing last week, I feel like I didn’t have a chance to breathe let alone sit down long enough to articulate a review worthy of Day 11. I shall endeavor to do my very best to make up for that here. And, upon reading the start of Day 12, I am actually kinda glad I waited because I think that it gave me time to put both chapters into perspective. 

Day 11 was a very emotional one for Jungkook and I feel like we got to see those emotions coming to a head in this chapter. On the whole, Day 11 was such a fun, lowkey entry that I wasn’t really sure if I would have anything coherent to offer beyond high pitched squealing accompanied by the occasional swoon and cooing. But after seeing the tension and subsequent squabble that transpired at the breakfast table on Day 12, I see that perhaps there was more to ruminate concerning the feelings that Jungkook had experienced in the confessional booth. It’s so interesting from a writers perspective that you chose Jungkook to be the one to reiterate the whole point of the show; he’s younger, thus perhaps conventionally he’s a bit more emotionally immature than the rest of the guys. And yet, from the beginning, none of these guys have ever been portrayed as stereotypical or conventional; you have always expertly reminded the audience that each of the contestants (including our lady!) is more much complex than what meets the eye. It’s one of the things that I love so much about this series; none of the characters are ever “too perfect” and it’s those candid moments of vulnerability or weakness that truly makes this story stand out from a lot of other stories that I read. So to choose Jungkook as the person to make those “bold” comments and to have Namjoon be the one to call him out for being insensitive makes me feel like Jungkook’s response was much more complex than what it seems at glance. Like, it’s pretty obvious that Jungkook likes and respects our lady and perhaps he realized his indiscretion just a little to late but now he’s put on the spot, he’s been called out in front of everyone, and beyond the fact that he probably feels like shit for saying what he said and inadvertently hurting our lady in the process. He’s probably also hella embarrassed. I wonder too if maybe Jungkook is also ashamed that the person who called him out was Namjoon, someone who I want to believe, he respects and perhaps maybe admires a little. And despite the fact that I chuckled a little bit when our lady noticed that Jungkook was “staring at his pancakes like he’s trying to make them burst into flames”, I realized that he might also be both angry and disappointed in himself for his behavior. *sigh* Boy, you were so right all those weeks ago when you said “emotions are messy”. Anyway, that’s my roundabout way of saying, I liked the breakfast scene. Haha! Drama is inevitable; I love that you don’t shy away from presenting conflict for them to overcome. It offers opportunities for character growth and character exploration and I really appreciate that! 

Speaking of character growth, Namjoon got a chance to really flex those skills he acquired from “Hoseok’s School of Sexual Prowess”. That scene left me melting! Melting, I say! I’m not sure if you noticed but I make it a point to not reveal who my actual bias is in these reviews because I feel like I want to give all of the guys a chance to win me over for fan favorite. What I will say though is that you kind of hit on a lot of my personal preferences with Namjoon’s scene. Beyond the fact that the scene was really, really hawt, it fulfilled me on an emotionally intimate level, so it made the scene extra special. Bravo! 

And I suppose Jimin also deserves a standing ovation for that amazing show he put on. Holy smokes that was so hot. From the light banter and quips at the beginning of that scene to Jimin actually owning that entire lounge! And as amazing as the show (plus subsequent private scene with our lady afterwards) was, my favorite bit might be the exchange between Jimin and Hoseok, another scene that filled with tension and new revelations! It might actually be the most fascinating scene because it gave a glimpse at something rather unexpected; something has transpired between Hoseok and Jimin. I might be reading too much into the exchange but it feels as though something has happened away from the cameras between them. Because it feels like there has been a shift from blatant hostility between these two to something more akin to a genuine understanding that this is now a battle for power and control. I could be reaching but I feel like, at the very least, there have been words exchanged between them! It made the scene all the more intriguing! I loved every moment of it. Oh! Speaking of which, what is up with Jin?! When Yoongi asked Jin to speak to Kookie about what had happened that morning, it seemed he was a bit apprehensive to take up the task. I know that there might not be anything more there than just the fact that Jin might not want to be the one to have to broach the subject with Kookie but I feel like there’s more there than what meets the eye as well… my theory is in it’s fetus stage though, so I feel like I’ll hold back on my thoughts concerning Jin for now. And Yoongi, for that matter! I feel like there is something more there as well. AH! Too many theories to juggle! I will let you know what my thoughts are about it once I have gathered more adequate information. 

I still feel guilty for not being able to give you a full length review of Day 11. It really was such a great, light day. Jungkook’s scene left me all hot and bothered to the point where I spent the entirety of the week, searching up Jungkook smut fics to fulfill my Jungkook fix that that chapter evoked in me! Not to mention that the boys getting up to antics for a whiteboard that in the end they didn’t really need just made me all the more baffled by their behavior. It was fun, hilarious and just what I would expect from the guys.

To make up for not having anything for last week, I would like to take the opportunity to tell you about me loving this amazing story so much I nearly force-fed my best friend to read it with me so that I would have someone to fangirl with. Let me tell you a little bit about her. See, she doesn’t consume fanfics with as much verocity as I do. She is a very casual fanfic reader and if she does (which is rare in it of itself) she only ever reads MxM. Period. So when I told her the premises of “The Gentlemen” she was curious enough to read the contestant profiles. But I must say, from Day 1, you had her HOOKED! She would text me screenshots and emoji filled fangirlings in the wee hours of the morning (the only time she had to read at all) every single thing she loved about each chapter and it brings me so much joy that she was really dissecting and appreciating all the little things that I too loved about your story! We would have long, deep discussions about her prompt theories, her favorite members, tiny details that you’ve so expertly woven into the story (like Jimin’s tattoo for example, which is something she is obsessed with, btw) all of her favorite traits that our lady of the house has. It’s been so blissfully fun having this to share with her especially since I have her to thank for getting me into BTS in the first place. So, please know that you have a secret fan of “The Gentlemen” who would like you to know that she has been enjoying herself thoroughly and that she looks forward to your updates just as much as I do now! 

Anyhoo, I think I’ve prattled on long enough. Thank you so much for your continued hard work and dedication to this series! This was such an amazing chapter I cannot wait to see how everything unfolds; it feel as though these last 2 chapters have planted some major seeds (no pun intended!!); I look forward to see what it sows in the coming days. 💜 Jan

Oh my gosh! In all of my ramblings, I forgot to say "shout out to Lady Mango! You go get that stake, girly!" Also, YAY Grandma Park!! Heck, that entire exchange in the bathtub made me uwu so hard my heart is just a pile of mush rn! Also, also!! Jin x Tae is lowkey underrated, so thank you for that! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*✲ﾟ*｡⋆ I lub u so much!! kthnxbye

---

i’m not ashamed (okay, maybe a little) to admit that i kinda teared up and did a happy lil dance when i saw the email that you’d sent in a submission fksdjfkds i figured you’d probably been busy with life or with the mountainloads of content bighit is giving us these days so i was content to wait patiently, and it just made it that much more exciting when i saw this come in !

thank you, as always, for being so sweet and articulate and thoughtful in your reviews of the chapters. often you point out things that make so much sense that perhaps i hadn’t even noticed when writing. other times you hit an idea that i’d slipped in right on the nose. 

jungkook definitely is having a pretty tumultuous time on the show. for him, i imagine he feels like he’s the only one having a difficult time ironing out his feelings, or that if anyone else is struggling too, that they’re acting like nothing’s up. i also feel like jungkook’s competitive streak comes through in unexpected ways. of course he feels proud of his sexual prowess and kinda wants to showboat a little bit, but i think there’s an aspect too where he needs to be the one that’s always bolder than the others to assert his position. writing the namkook scene i kind of drew on that feeling where you’re fighting with someone you care about or think highly of, and even as you realise you’re wrong, you don’t want them to think badly of you and so you desperately scramble for a way to come out on top or prove you’re in the right. there’s also def a degree of him trying to convince himself the show is just about sex and that the rest doesn’t matter. he certainly doesn’t feel that way inside, but we see him vouching from that position so fiercely in d12. 

i’m glad you liked the namjoon scene !! one day i’ll figure out your bias fkdsjfksdjk you do such a good job at analysing and discussing everyone equally that it’s difficult >.<

it’s so fascinating to hear your jihope theory that they’ve spoken before. i must keep my silence on the details BUT there will be a very important scene between them coming up in the next few days of the show that i think will really change things between them and also how the readers see them. i’m super excited to write it ! 

beyond that, i’m happy you noticed something about jin in this chapter.... yn and jin still haven’t resolved their issues yet, plus here we are having jin not respond that well to being asked to counsel one of the members, something he always stated he was happy to do,,,,, hmmmm 0.0

i love hearing your theories so much !!! i eagerly await getting new content out so i can see how they shift and change from release to release

and also you really don’t need to feel bad ! there’s never any obligation to write out a long review for every chapter, but you do so anyway and that means a lot to me xx if you’re busy one week you don’t have to force yourself to make time for it. we have over 50 chapters, so we’re in for the long haul ! there’s really no rush

ahhhh that’s so cool to hear about your friend! it always warms my heart hearing stories of people that got their friends to begin reading and stuff, honestly even the thought that people think about tgm outside of reading it blows me away, it feels so special that it’s something y’all wanna share and discuss w your loved ones xx 

YES LADY MANGOOO i love adding little slips of her in the chapters, i know she doesn’t factor into the main story that much but everyone can rest assured that all of the members of the house (okay, and probably our three on-site producers too) spend a lot of time with her, walking her and cuddling her and playing with her. tae is probably currently trying to teach her some commands, but of course the only one she’s got the hang of is lie down jskfjsd

(finally YES taejin is such an underrated duo i love them)

[quietlysatan]

An Invincible Summer - ShanaStoryteller, AO3

Link: Here!!

Rating: T for read the warnings, but don’t worry too much because of them

Favorite Quote(s): I legit wanna tattoo this next quote on me somewhere

"Oh, the things that can be accomplished through ignorance of their impossibility," 

And this Straight Up Fact

“There’s no such thing as cheating as long as you win,” Natsu says, and the brat’s not wrong.

This one’s just funny

“Chouza,” Inoichi forces himself to say evenly, “Your teachings produced Ebisu and goddamned Gai.”

“Genma’s pretty normal though,” Chouza sighs, “I never could get through to that boy.”

Gently Gai casually caring about Kakashi’s well-being is my entire reason for living, speaking of which if someone wants to come be my Gai that’d be really fucking nice because us Kakashi’s don’t do too well on our own

He hesitates, but says, "Not that I do not find your newfound mentorship to be a most youthful endeavor, but -"

"I don't know," Kakashi interrupts his friend, "I met her while she was taking her genin exam and she, I don't know, adopted me or something. She just keeps showing up."

Gai nods thoughtfully, "Stubbornness is a useful skill to have when trying to cultivate a friendship with you." Kakashi elbows the other man, but doesn't protest besides that. "She's a good cook."

And this one because I love it when people Get It, ya’know?

That's really why he won't say anything, why he won't reveal that the Kyuubi's container and the fourth Hokage's child is still alive: they already killed him once. Naruto and Shikamaru are the same age, they would have been in the same class, and the idea that anyone could want to harm his innocent, precious son makes his blood boil 

And this one, for accuracy

"This sounds like a most youthful endeavor. I will bring Anko! She will fan the flames of youth in our young Konoha blossom!"

Both Itachi and Kakashi look at Gai, horrified. "Please don't," Itachi says weakly, like he knows it'll fall on deaf ears but he has to try anyway.

"Don't worry," Gai attempts to assure them, going into his Good Guy pose, "They will produce youthful flames of feminine excellence!"

"They're going to burn down Konoha," Kakashi says flatly.

Gai's hair and teeth sparkle in the sunlight, and he doesn't attempt to deny it.

Another important one

"The world is a terrible place," she says, and she has to swallow before she speaks again, "and it's full of terrible people. But I don't have to be one of them." 

I love that Natsu-chan has great balance, this is my number one favorite character trope, and I wish more people would write it

She bends down to look at him upside down, and Itachi can feel that she's not using chakra to stick onto him, and sometimes her balance just isn't logical. 

I just love the idea of tiny genius Naruto, and I love that Natsu-chan is a seal master at like, fucking seven and a half lol

Itachi knows it's actually far more complicated than that, but just as he does not tell her minutia of the past shinobi wars in their history lessons, she does not overcomplicate her explanations of sealing. Usually he's grateful for that, but when she appears to break every known law to sealing and chakra, he's not.

"That's," he blinks and he's not going to tell her it's impossible because it clearly isn't, "new," he settles on.

A mood honestly

Inoichi now feels the urge to bang his head against the table top, because 'a huge pain' to Natsu is 'literally impossible' to everyone else.

Another mood honestly

Inoichi watches his former genin dig in with resignation. “When are you guys going to start picking up the tab? Feeding you all isn’t cheap you know.”

Hana swallows her mouthful, “Sensei, I am but a lone healer’s apprentice –“

“I have been a chunin less than a month,” Kabuto pouts, wounded, “and already you seek to profit-“

“Do you have any idea how much sealing paper and ink costs?” Natsu demands.

“Okay, okay,” Inoichi grumbles, but it’s not very effective considering he’s smiling, “I take it back, jeez.”

Okay so, since this is a 100k+ word fic, I’ve been doing this thing lately literally just now on this fic review where I only feature quotes from the first chapter (Depending on length.) but, I’m making an exception because I’ve never seen these three characters and my thoughts on them summed up so well by someone I don’t know which is to say anyone, no one I know cares about my interests really lol

"Maybe a little," he admits grudgingly, "Sakura's really smart, but she acts dumb for some reason. And her endurance is really bad. She probably would have been failed on that alone if she didn't have such good aim with shuriken. And Sasuke's good at like, everything, I still don't get why he didn't graduate earlier. He's just so-" Kiba rubs his hand over his face.

"So what?" Hana prompts, even though she's heard this particular complaint before.

"Sad," the genin sighs, "He's miserable all the time, and he works hard and if you yell at him for long enough he'll work with you, but - crap, I don't know. He's got this really great poker face so you think he's just a big jerk, but I can smell his emotions, the big idiot, and he's just this sad lonely kid who won't listen to anyone."

Hana hums, because if she opens her mouth she'll probably start cursing the Hokage and his dumb rules and his dumb ideas, and that is not the type of thing that leads to a long life.

Just one last quote because dudes, guys, pals, friends of mine it’s important and you should all stop and read it.

 “Thanks for being cool with – everything. I’m really happy you’re not mad at me for not being honest with you.”

“You are my friend,” Gaara says warmly, “and you have always been honest about that.”

Words & Chapter(s): 136,306 words of greatness, and 6 full chapters of nicely done completion

Summary: When Naruto is five, he's gutted by a drunken civilian and presumed dead.

Six months later a girl with ash pale hair and dark blue eyes enters the Academy. 

(Guys I swear on my cool as fuck username, and all around internet personality as practically satan and probably Lucifer and whatnot that nobody we like stays dead or severely injured)

Score: 13, this is one of my favorites for a reason, this is actually my second technically third time rereading this in as many weeks

Pairing(s): Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka, background Haku/Zabuza, but don’t worry anything you’re thinking of is addressed quite nicely in the fic ultra background but still there’s a lot of relationships and I’m not going to tag them all

Warning(s): Naruto technically dies more than once because this is Naruto we’re talking about but they also technically don’t??? You gotta read it, but basically temporary character death, only the bad guys stay dead in this one.

Nobody knows that Naru-chan lived so there’s that angst for you, however, to be fair it’s not like this whole story is just characters mourning and crying and whatnot, at this point it’s mostly just passing thoughts and memories which, again, to be fair, does almost feel worse at times... Huh, regardless it’s not overly angsty

Kakashi is adopted whether he likes it or not by Natsu-chan, we love both of our emotionally fucked over fair-haired ninja in this house so you won’t have to worry about that sorta fic coming outta nowhere from me BTW... but anyways, Kakashi freaks out a bit, much like the abused dog he always reminds me of, but Natsu is the sweetest and most gentle, yet forceful person he could’ve possibly caught the attention of. (This is canon)

The Akatsuki are still bad, BUT ITACHI ISN’T technically SO WHO FUCKING CARES!!!! (The Massacre still happens tho...)

Mentions of The Flower District and what that implies, and also things a Kunoichi might definitely do

Oh my fucking god the Hyuga... Who would willingly do something so horrible as that? Of all the things... Warning for... The Hyuga branch family situation, it’s dealt with nearly as soon as we are informed but, gods, my blood ran cold, and my face whited out, my sister thought someone had died when she saw my face haha,,, who the fuck does this? And do they die? In canon I mean? I think I only watched up to the chunin exams or Pein’s attack, I can’t remember which tho...

Natsu cries because people are nice to her sometimes. And honestly that’s fair, I burst into to tears once because I imagined someone kissing my forehead softly so, Natsu is completely valid... Sidenote, I’m touch-starved and have no cure for this beyond younger siblings and my cat because I don’t have the ability to ask my mom for a hug without literally gross sobbing and I have A Thing about embarrassment sooooo... yeah if anyone has some therapy justu for me that’d be nice

Mentions of Gross Men that apparently want to have Natsu’s increasingly growing collection of the absolute most dangerous people she can befriend pay them a visit. And by that, I mean an old fuckwit has the gall to leer at a TEN-YEAR-OLD and a FUCKING THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD!!!!!! Ugh, I hate those kinds of pathetic worms.

On that note, there is technically underaged things going on, but they are also Ninja soooo???? They’ve killed people and are technically in their version of an army, and by the laws of their lands they’re all adults, actually I’m pretty sure by shinobi life expectancy Kakashi is middle-aged, Inoichi is a senior citizen, and Hiruzen is a walking corpse tbh

Alcoholism??? I don’t really think it is but I’m not sure, but some characters do drink often, and usually when stressed courtesy of Natsu and co. but still... I don’t actually know if it is because it doesn’t actually happen much, more like every few weeks/months

Mentions of past sexual assault, and attempted past sexual assault, neither happen in fic or to any of our main characters, the experiences are not graphic though they do talk about it in chapter five, it’s not to graphically described.

Also, a bunch of off-screen lemon

A Thing (That I copy-pasted from the author so that all of you will see it and not say a single word against it.): If you thought Natsu was too mature for her age - she has seen and been through some really horrible shit. But also: my cousin has, since he was like 4, hung out with kids that were about 4 years older than him because those were the kids that were in his neighborhood or whatever. Point being, even after he started school, his main group of friends was consistently older than him. He very quickly adapted to that, and to this day (he's 12) hangs out with that same group, and considers children his own age 'kids' because he adapted to the behavior of the group he was surrounded with. I hardly believe Natsu would be any different.

And also

4. Quick little note because some people mentioned liking my portrayal of the Sandaime. I base his decisions/motivations (and Itachi and Danzo's to a certain extent) around this quote by Clementine von Radics: "It is so hard to live half monster, to hurt everything you love by trying to protect it wrong."

Pros: Watching Natsu just casually disregard the idea of gender with little to no thought is the greatest thing anyone will ever experience beyond, I dunno, the party we’re all gonna collectively throw when soggy Cheeto dies (I still haven’t decided which song we should make chart number one when that happens)

Given that I’ve technically read this three times you should already know the writing is fucking amazing, like, whoa, mind blown type of amazing, like, wow, so good, I usually hate rereading something I’ve read before, and especially so soon after the fact but geez Louis is this fic amazing

Natsu is just as easy to fall in love with as Naruto, and they are still the same people with slightly different personalities as is to be realistically expected with a situation like Naru’s was.

Also, GENDERFLUID REPRESENTATION DONE FUCKING AMAZINGLY IS ALWAYS A PLUS!!!!!!! 

The author manages to convey a very realistic genderfluid character in an incredibly believable manner, while also still keeping Natsu/Naruto themself. They’re still the Naruto that we knew and loved, but they’re different too, as is to be expected. when Natsu is a girl no-one stumbles, she is a girl without a doubt, even the author doesn’t trip up on societal expectations, and when Naruto is a boy there is next to immediate acceptance of this fact with absolutely zero (0) Zero bullshit from transphobes, which, as a genderfluid person myself, is always fucking nice to see. You’ll have to read it to know more though.

Natsu running around creating seals is honestly the greatest thing ever, and the end scene with the village made me cry a lil bit, and dammit this fic is so fucking good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, there’s a scene, where Natsu heals Kakashi, and the way the author handled explaining the intimate not sexual relationship between two of my favorite characters ever is just, so subtly beautiful, the sibling-bond these two have is beautiful, and a part of me wants to cry sometimes when I read it, and usually do cry a little when I get to this scene, and only partially because of what happened directly before it.

I love the way everybody just gets up and moves past their trauma and just decides to politely ignore it, oh they still have it, they still deal with it, but they care, and they are careful about it, and even though it hurts them like a knife-wound to the kidney in slow-motion they still get back up and keep fucking going. That’s hella admirable and I can respect that, I can respect even more that they slowly but surely let themselves heal as time moves on. This fic is beautiful on so many different levels but it is this one perhaps, that is the most magnificent. Perhaps.

Sasuke is adorable and depressing and adorable and I love it. And Ino is still a bad bitch but she’s a kid so we only see it like a handful of times in the first two chapters. The Akimichi/Yamanaka/Nara are all great, and I occasionally pity Inionchicause like, he’s putting up with a well-informed seal genius that’s still hyper, a slightly frightening medic-kunoichi with giant dogs, another slightly more frightening medic-nin who isn’t the greatest fighter but damn can he be intimidating and also really good at pointing out “Certain Things” while judging you about them which, honestly, is my greatest pastime. Itachi is so sweet and then so tragic oh my gods, and Natsu never even considers giving up on him. Kakashi is so sweet, and he slowly becomes less of a beaten dog as time goes on and I just love all of these characters.

Except for Hiruzen. Well, no, I still love this particular incarnation of Hiruzen, for all that he’s got one hell of a pathetically small backbone, I get why he does shit. But that doesn’t make me happy. Still, he’s better than dumbledouchebag. Granted that’s not difficult, and you might have to actively put an effort in to be as bad as that guy, but still. Plus, his hearts in the right place, and he’s less about the greater good then... certain disgraces to teaching and being in charge of a large group of people... Hiruzen is actually kinda sweet and admits he has issues and actually has an excuse that’s understandable for the shit that he pulls which is great, if sadly uncommon.

Anyways, Sakura is terrifying, and I remembered why I had a crush on her. She’s so badass, also, she ends up Princess Mononoke basically which, honestly, is fucking great, and the best thing we could’ve asked for, I love all of these characters so much!!!

Aesthetic: It reminds me off beefy stew (We don’t eat beef, so we used vegan soy beef stuff instead, and it was just as good.) it reminds me of the warmth, and friendship, and home that I felt after my mom and I make dinner together with nothing but a little music on and jokes passing back and forth between us. It reminds me of scraping my knee and having my friends help me to their mom, it reminds me of loyalty and compassion. It reminds me of dancing outside at night, alone in the forest with nothing but the moon for company and wind for music. It reminds me of the first time I realized that I could love someone despite their gender and that I should despite mine. It reminds me of finely spun handmade lace, and all it’s delicate while also reminding me of the sturdiest of steels, it reminds me of so much. It reminds me of acceptance, and understanding, and so much more. If I were to say what food and drink it reminds me of, I’d say chicken noodle soup, and sweet lavender-lemon tea.

Music Aesthetic: So, I made a playlist while I was reading this the first time around, and instead of a gif or twenty like I would usually prefer to do I’m going to add that playlist. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLbhXmTSBbAyjk0m1b4BZUp3t0RHL83LDK

But if I were to add a gif or two it’d be these

Because something about this fic reminds me of rainy days with tea and baggy clothes.

Every time Natsu/Naruto decided to fight ever, to be honest.

[milatherese]

Update No. 5 (*cue Mambo No. 5*) – 90 Days, School, Discernment (just a lil bit)

Note #1: This update is long. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Note #2: If you don’t know Mambo No. 5, you need to listen to it (even though the lyrics may be morally wrong, it is quite catchy).

“How was the 90 day journey of a tiny bit of asceticism?” you ask. (nobody cares but I’m pretending you do haha)

That’s a question I still ask myself several days later. 90 days is a lot to process. Therefore, I have included my short answer to this question here: – It was a bit hard in the beginning but got easier as the days went by – I especially enjoyed the no social media / limited communication – I hated cold showers, actually gave it up by the end of the first month or so because it did more harm than good (imo)

The beginning was a little rough, but about as good as sacrifice gets. (you can read my thoughts on that here, here, and here) About a month in, I couldn’t cope, at least physically. I ended up just doing what I felt I was strong enough to do.

January was a little rough. Ever since school started, I had headaches every day (including non-school days). (If you’re wondering why I never shared this with you and why I hid my pain, it was because I didn’t want you to worry.)

At first the headaches were tolerable. I could get through a 12-hour day with minimal pain. They got increasingly worse. I began taking Tylenol according to the recommended dosage (1-2 tablets every 4-6 hours). I didn’t take Tylenol every other day (I try to avoid medicine, if possible) but I eventually “graduated” to taking the extra strength Tylenol, also according to the recommended dosage. Eventually, the headaches began to impact my studying. I had limited time to study (I had to time my studying during the lesser painful waves of my headaches). I was so worried for one class that I spent all my time studying for that one class during lecture of another difficult class (I figured I could bring up my grade in the second class later). Despite my high of level of unpreparedness, I was looking forward to taking the exams for both classes. I thought my headaches were the result of stressing over those two classes. Unfortunately, taking the exams for those classes didn’t end the headaches. In fact, they may have increased the pain.

My headaches soon became unbearable. I couldn’t hide the pain any longer. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t eat out of fear that I would only make the pain worse. I was in tears from the pain. Massaging my head and using an ice pack didn’t reduce the pain. I wanted to rip my head off to get rid of the pain once and for all.

At this time, I decided it was time to begin thinking about seeing the doctor about this. (Yes, I should have already gone to the doctor but my pain isn’t really a concern to me.) I decided that I would go to the doctor if the headaches persist for another week.

The pain was at its absolute worst one Saturday. I had to call in sick for work (we had an event – which I was really looking forward to, btw). I spent the day crying from the pain (at this point, my body wasn’t really responding to Tylenol). Finally, the physical pain began to affect my mental health. I was trying to figure out the root cause of the pain. I began questioning all my decisions – transferring high schools, transferring universities, not applying to a certain community, leaving relationships, etc. I was wondering if this was some sort of a punishment for making the “wrong” decision (which I later learned is no such thing, more on this another day). I felt so lost and alone. I was wondering if this was a taste of what Mother St. Teresa described as a “long dark night.” (I referenced this before in my last update but I just can’t get her long dark night out of my head.) I eventually cried myself to sleep and slept the rest of the day until 2am the next day.

When I woke, I noticed the pain had disappeared and, with it, the emotional rollercoaster I was going through earlier. I was able to get some rest from the physical and emotional pain and my mind was finally functioning as it normally would – quiet and able to think logically. It was clear that my pain was not for torment but for me to focus on something more important than the pain itself. I decided to pray the Rosary for it had been several weeks since I had been able to pray the Rosary without distractions (I would either fall asleep or be distracted by the headache or my studies). I prayed God would help me discern what He wanted me to tend to. I felt that I should prayerfully consider my career path now that I was away from outside influences.

I began reflecting on my semester thus far. There was one day that my mom visited campus and overheard some girls complimenting and encouraging each other. She told me, “I want you to be in whatever major they’re in. They seem happy. You don’t.” At the time, I was too stubborn to see that my happiness was just a mask I put on to “be strong.” I remembered writing pre-labs and post-labs but barely understanding the material, only understanding the grammar necessary to produce acceptable scholarly work. I recalled being so stressed that I was rude to the whole world (except for work) to the point that my mom exclaimed, “Who are you? You’re not human anymore!”  She was right – I wasn’t myself.  That woke me up. I thought, “What good is my major if it only brings out the worst in me?” In prayer, felt called to pursue another career instead of MD/DO. I still don’t know what career exactly, but I’m trusting that my time studying and preparing for MD/DO will help me in my calling.

That Sunday, I informed my parents and one trusted relative of my decision to change majors and they were overjoyed. (My uncle seemed to have already known in the beginning that I would leave the MD/DO path, but wanted me to come to that decision myself.)

So, I changed majors back to Allied Health, B.S.

I met with my academic advisor (not the one who screwed me over, for any of those who know the story) and we came up with a school plan. Estimated graduation date was Fall 2021.

I dealt with this change as best I could and things were on the up and up…until it wasn’t.

Early February, I learned that a close priest friend had passed away, just 3 days shy of his birthday. I had been looking forward to his birthday (not that I would be with celebrating with him, just happy he would be celebrating another year) so hearing the news was devastating. He was like an uncle to me. To quote what I said at a memorial, he was “a great friend, a big brother, a father figure, a very holy man, a man for others.” (There’s so much I can say on him but I’ll leave that for another post) The first day, I seemed okay. Minimal feelings of sadness. It hadn’t hit me yet. It hit me the very next day. And it hit hard and long. I was crying everywhere I went whenever I was away from family and friends. Some days were harder than others (my supervisor sent me home early to give me time to grieve). I was going through so many emotions. I was frustrated that I was taking so long to grieve (I later learned that grief has no time limit) and annoyed that I did not feel comfortable talking to my family or friends about it. I had faced loss before (when Bro. Morgan passed away), but never anything as devastating as this. I did not know how to cope with grief. I struggled to stay focused during class (actually broke down in tears at least during one class each day) and to finish my work (skipped out on a staff meeting due to waterworks). I cancelled a couple meetings and called in sick to group therapy twice. I distanced myself from the world and those who love[d] me. Unfortunately, all this affected my studies once again. Despite my lighter load, I could not concentrate. I did not think of sharing all this with my professors as I felt like they wouldn’t understand (or maybe I was just being stubborn again?)

It came time for RECongress and I held it together (somewhat…more on that on another post). It was that Friday that I was able to study without getting distracted by grief. I had an exam the following Monday. But one day of studying 3+ weeks of material was not enough to pass the exam. So there went that.

February went by with each day bleeding into the next. Each day was a blur until one blessed night.

My brother had arrived home late from school one day and as he was pulling into our driveway (why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways) a beautiful dog approached him. I won’t go into details but the dog is now ours and has been the biggest blessing this semester, especially in helping our family cope with grief. We believe (as do others) that Father Suarez sent her to us.

Come March and April, things were finally on the up and up again. I was studying every day and keeping up with work. But then quarantine hit and things went downhill yet again. I did become more active on this blog since March 16th but inside I was deteriorating. However, it wasn’t as detrimental as January and February. Let’s just say that I learned the house is not conducive to studying, I may need a new prescription for glasses, and we need to find better internet (or move to a place with better cell signal). I failed a final due to failed internet connection (thanks be to God I got another shot at it). I took my two other finals in the car in the parking lot in front of Starbucks.

Quarantine has been the best and the worst for me. I realized that spiritually, I was thirsty. Thirsty for God. I live-streamed Mass and adoration daily and at odd hours, even doing homework and studying “with God.” The more things I had to do, the more I felt the need to “hang” with God (which, in retrospect, may have been a bad decision because I ended up procrastinating and losing a lot of sleep). I learned to value receiving the sacraments in-person now. I’m more aware of when I sin or am near sin. It has also reignited the flame of faith. I’ve been doing a lot more spiritual reading, especially now that APU semester is over (still have one class at a JC).

Despite this, discernment got a bit murky. I began questioning my vocation and doing a lot more “reality checks” (and a lot more second-guessing). Frankly, I don’t think I would survive living in a community of all women since all my close friends are men. (Or is that an excuse I am making for myself?) I don’t think I would make a great mother either so perhaps I’m meant to be single? (Or am I just a harsh critic of myself and I would actually be a great mother?) I had not really spoken to my spiritual director in months (transportation and schedule issues, both on my part).

A priest I met at RECongress learned I was discerning religious life (if you didn’t know this, I hope this isn’t a surprise) and asked me to email him as soon as possible in case I need guidance. I didn’t email him until April 1st so that may have contributed to my overthinking. He replied a couple weeks later (and I replied a couple days after that and am still awaiting a response). I asked God for “another sign, for some clarity” and He gave me another. However, everything still looks murky to me. I feel both consolation and desolation at the same time. I might be facing another identity crisis like last semester. Aye.

Ok this is way longer than I had planned so I’m just gonna stop right here.

If you read this far, thank you for reading. If you relate to anything I shared, I hope you know that you’re not alone and that if you ever need anything (even if it’s just a listening ear), I’ll do my best to help. Just ask. (And if you need something but I haven’t replied in a long time, just reach out again. I forget to reply to messages quite often.)

[thewilddreamerrr]

A Werewolf Telling

Remus entrance in Hogwarts after more of a decade was... awkward to say the least. Dumbledore requested him to become a DADA teacher 3 months ago. Seeing him after all that had happened... well, let's say it wasn't the best display of all time. Not longer a teenager nor a young whole and happy man, it was too much for Dumbledore and for Remus to bear. Too many memories, too many tears and desperate cries, too many broken dreams... a broken heart too. The young man was now a man but there was so many things missing in him. The sparkle once in his eyes, that sparkle only present in company of his friends... in company of-

Dumbledore stopped himself there. He, better than any other could understand the pain Remus felt. Losing not only his friends, his family, but also losing the love of a man he knew... he thought he knew.

After hours of quite intense discussion, Remus accepted. He managed to say yes because Dumbledore promised (again) to do everything in his power to help him with his transformations. Plus, Severus Snape was now a Potions teacher and he could manage to prepare him Wolfbane Potion (under Dumbledore's orders, of course) so... that was an improvement Remus couldn't deny.

***

The day he arrived at King's Cross and saw the scarlet train, he felt like an eleven year old all over again. He swallowed hard because those memories always came along with other three kids in it. A bespectacled boy with messy hair, another chubby and witty one and-

Remus sighed. After all these years, after all the hurt and pain. The hate. His heart still beat like a fucking drum at the mere thought of that kid with mischievous grey eyes and a smirk worth to make his knees go weak. He didn't want to think, not in those kids, not in what happened 13 years ago, not in anything.

However, he hadn't expected what came after he fell asleep in the compartment he choose for his ride. Harry. James and Lilly's Harry. His "nephew", there with other two friends. The last time he saw him was on James' birthday. He was still wearing diapers. Harry, this 13 year old Harry, was so much like his father. The same messy hair, complexions and even the height. Now, his eyes were another thing. Lily's eyes. But not only that, he inherited his mom's eye shape and fierce gaze, the one that leaves no room for discussion.

It felt like years of repressed emotions melt away as soon as Harry laid his eyes on him. He no longer called him 'ncle Mo'oy, but Professor Lupin. Remus hoped a tiny part of Harry could recognize him but he was happy to be part of his life again.

***

Once he entered the castle and establish himself in his new dorm, he went downstairs to the Great Hall. He took no more than two steps down, when a voice behind him stopped him in his tracks

'Remus?'

He froze. And very slowly he turned around. There were already tears in his eyes.

'Poppy?'

The medi-witch whimpered and approached to him till there was only her arms around him. Remus was shocked and speechless.

'I thought I'll never see you again' she sobbed in his chest 'I was worried sick about you and what might had happened to you after-'

Remus caught off her mumbling and embrace the other woman tightly against him. Madam Pomfrey was probably the only other person who treated him like a son while in school. He never stopped himself to think how much he missed her until that moment.

'Oh, dear' Poppy mumbled taking a step back and scanning the werewolf 'look at you'. She gently placed a hand in Remus' cheek and smiled softly 'you promised to contact me... and you didn't, you silly boy'

Remus felt the heat of his cheeks grow a little after those words. He wanted to say he was no longer a boy, that he did pretty well all these years. But he knew he couldn't lie to her (he suck at lying too).

'I know, I'm sorry. I'm here now, am I?'

Pomfrey's gave a disapproving look and quickly smiled back.

'Why don't we go to dinner now, dear?'

***

'Sirius Black has escaped from Askaban' Dumbledore said in a usual neutral voice. Remus knew quite well the meaning behind those words.

'Why should I care?'

'I just thought you should know' the headmaster narrowed his eyes just a slightly bit. Remus wouldn't fall for it.

'I'm sorry, Professor, but I suppose the only concern we all should have right now is how we can protect the students and-'

'You think he might want to break into the school?'

'I- I'm not... I just-' Remus passed a hand through his hair and sighed in frustration 'Maybe he'll come after Harry'

Both men stayed in silence for what felt like an eternity.

'We'll take the precautions needed' said Dumbledore at least.

Remus couldn't reply, not even if he wanted to.

***

'Spotted in Hosgmeade'

Remus read the sentence over and over again. He was close, so close... and so far away.

'Fuck' the tears were coming. Why now? What did he wanted? Harry? Him? Everyone to just die? He threw the paper away and screamed in the isolated dorm.

'No, no, no, nO, NO, NO, FUCK NO'

His heart ached; he repeated to himself that he hated Black, that his very existence was a waste of space, that he didn't need him in his life. He didn't need those fucking gorgeous eyes or that stupid smirk. He definitely didn't love him. Not anymore. Not since he was 21.

'...fuck’

And Remus laughed. A weak and dull laugh. He was alone in that room, no other than him. He could lie to himself all the wanted but he knew that if that man walked through that same door at that same moment... he'll throw himself in the flames of hell for a second with Sirius. And he hated himself for that.

***

'He broke into school. He was here, for Merlin's sake!' Remus exploded.

Minerva Mcgonagall and Madam Pomfrey shared a concern look. Remus Lupin wasn't the kind of person who would... break down. But knowing the past Sirius and Remus shared so many years ago...

'Remus Lupin, you need to calm down now' Mcgonagall said with a sharp command. That was not the way to deal with this situation.

He stopped passing around the empty classroom and looked at the two women.

'Remus?' Pomfrey tried with a less aggressive approach 'Remus, dear, I know this must be difficult for you...'

'Difficult?' Snapped Remus 'Just difficult? Yeah, because for the past 13 years my life has been a fucking dream'

'Remus!' Mcgonagall's voice echoed all through the classroom to Remus' core 'There's no need for such... colorful... language' she cleared her throat in a attempt to recompose herself 'We are aware that your life has not been that simple' Remus snorted lowly but Mcgonagall ignored it 'Now, is not the time for meltdowns. We must take responsibility over our students and protect each one of them' she saw how Remus' was starting to fidge again and sighed 'Remus, we can't change the past not the horrible things that happened. However, we can improve our future and make the best out of it. You have the power to keep looking forward or getting stuck in your past'

Remus hadn't notice she approached to him until he felt a gentle hand over his shoulder.

Our decisions define us. Well, that's some fucked up philosophy to be honest.

***

That night he couldn't sleep at all. His mind kept bringing him memories about simpler times. Times full of color and joy. Despite living in such a dark time, he got his friends and lover by his side. They really thought they'd be able to make it. How innocent one can be at such a young age. That was until the bad seed was planted. Everything went downhill after that. The simpler times were gone, as well as the trust and confidence. He couldn't blame them for not trusting him (he wouldn't either). Because it had been Sirius after all.

Remus' heart skipped a beat at the thought of him.

'Really? After all these years...' he whispered to himself.

***

It hadn't been him. It hadn't been him, it had been Peter. Fucking Pettigrew.

Sirius laid in the floor beneath him looking desperate and somehow relieved Remus figured it out. He wanted to cry and laugh and curse and fucking scream but now it wasn't the time. The intensity of Sirius grey eyes, ranking him from head to toe was burning him alive.

And in that moment, Remus decided that yeah, if he already scorched quite a bit for Sirius in his youth, he'll fucking die in flames again for him.

☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆

ALL RIGHT!! Hey, there I'm Julie. So, I wanna say a couple of things now that I have your attention:

First of all, this is my first time posting something I write on my own so you probably feel the stress too,huh and to make things worse English isn't even my first language *finger guns* What I'm trying to say is sorry if there're mistakes and all that because this whole situation gave me a lot of anxiety lol

Second, imma wolfstar trash, bitch. Lol Alright, so this whole idea started as some weird day dream I had about Remus and Madam Pomfrey (completely inspired btw by @captofthesswolfstar and her 💖A-MA-ZING💖 fic WWI) and well, let's say I carried away. I love to think how Remus must had felt in his return to Hogwarts and also dealing with Sirius all over again. He's a chill dude but Mcgonagall and Pomfrey know him very well and I know he trusted them enough to y'know break down.

Third, I wanna give a H U G E thank you to my friend @wavesofjoyy for helping me out and correcting this mess. You're fucking awesome I love you.

Fourth and hopefully lastly, I really hoped you enjoyed this little thing I made. If everything goes well, I might share other things related to wolfstar, who knows? Thanks in advance everyone💕

Julie's out *drops mic*

[sae-you-sae-me]

Hi, how about a scenario of the RFA and V decorating their house/apartment with MC for the first Christmas they spend together as a couple? If you already made it, I apologize hehe. Happy holidays btw 🎄

Yay! Christmas prompts! Enjoy~

Zen:

Before you, he didn’t decorate the place that much

He has this tiny little tree in the corner

But when you come along, you both decide he needs to go Christmas tree shopping

Turns out his nose is averse to fresh trees as well as cats, so you have to go with a fake one

But it’s still a lot better than the small one

He thinks its really cute if you can’t reach the top half of the tree

So you two end up splitting the decorating responsibilities between top and bottom

He didn’t have a lot of ornaments, so he has to buy some new ones

So he tries to make sure they all represent something about your relationship

He also now has room for the ornaments his fans have given or created for him

He’s exhausted by the time you guys were done

But sitting with you on the couch night after night, with only the soft light of the tree glowing in the room…it was worth the work

Yoosung:

It’s the first Christmas he has someone to spend with

And he’s so excited

He actually plans the day for you guys to decorate

The boxes are ready, he got you ugly christmas sweaters to wear, and there’s hot cocoa for break times

He gets so overwhelmed by how much fun you two are having that the first round of decorating the tree was a bit awkward

He kept putting red with red or gold with gold, and you had to tell him to spread them out a little

He made a wreath that he was super proud of

It was actually a mess with branches sticking out and pinecones falling out

Still, he hung it on the door…but the wind kept knocking it down

A week later, he got so annoyed with having to hang it up over and over, he ended up tearing it apart and just tossing away the branches

Jaehee:

She has a tree and everything

But that’s not her favorite part of decorating

She has a collection of Christmas villages

You two spend a majority of the time decorating various areas with different scenes

You knew she usually got a new set every year

But this year, she had been too busy to even think about it

So, you went out and bought her an early gift

She almost cried when she saw a new set for her Christmas village

It was a cafe that looked similar to the one you two owned

And you even made sure to get little porcelain people that resembled you and her

She placed that on top of the fireplace so she could see it every time she entered and left the house

Jumin:

He hadn’t really decorated his house before

For the most part the staff did while he was working

But he wanted to do it with you this year

He even had special Christmas pajamas

So he pulled out all the boxes…and realized he had no idea what he was doing

But together, you two came up with a decent plan

While he was working, he liked to keep everything organized and in one place

So he was walking around with tinsel on his neck  

There was a few ornaments there too

You two were talking while decorating the tree, and you noticed all the ornaments were plain

He explained that his father and he never did those traditions for Christmas, but you could tell he was mildly bummed about it

So you excuse yourself to pick up some dinner for the both of you, but you also stop by an ornament shop to get a custom one to represent your first year as a couple

When you return you notice the stockings were hung, and one was full

“Oh, Jumin! You stuffed the stockings!”

You went to poke it and it hissed at you

Apparently, Elizabeth got stuck inside and she wasn’t happy…

Meanwhile, you found a very frustrated Jumin all tangled up in Christmas lights

Once everything was set in order, you finished the decorations and were ready for the next task–Gift Wrapping

God be with you

Seven:

He hadn’t been huge on Christmas ever

So he didn’t own any physical decorations and wasn’t too keen on his house being covered wreaths

But you had showed him Christmas could be better, so he wanted to try decorating a little this year

You didn’t want to shove him into it, so you helped him pick out some smaller decorations

He only had one rule: No Santa

But he told you a little late, and you had already bought one of those singing santas for the fireplace

Sometime later, you smelled something burning and asked what he was doing

“Making a fire,” he calls innocently from the other room

But you knew what had happened when you saw a half melted, plastic santa face in the flames

In all seriousness, he got a fairly decently sized tree

And he had to buy all the lights and all the ornaments…and he got carried away

Everything was a different color

He swore every ornament he bought had a meaning behind it, but you knew he just liked the designs

Somehow, when all was said and done, it actually looked amazing

You noticed he forgot the tree topper, but it turned out well

You sneaked out at some point to buy one, and he absolutely loved it

He places the star at the top, and finally everything feels complete

V:

He’s just a soft Christmas aesthetic

He has a soft sweater on, and jazzy christmas music in the background

Decorating with him is the calming thing ever

He’s really cute when it comes to the details

He has little santa hats for all his cacti

And he sticks candy canes in his potted plants

He’s very loose with the decorations though

He just sticks ornaments places, drapes icicles on random branches, puts ribbons on random things

And yet somehow, it all looks neat and pulled together

He’s always humming or singing along with all the Christmas songs

Even the English ones…but he always had their little twists to them

Your favorite was when you caught him singing “Rockin’ around the Christmas tree.”

“Walkin’ around…the Christmas tree…” he sings while literally sauntering around the tree to hang up ornaments

He looks like the cutest, young old man ever

You don’t even have the heart to correct him, so you just let him walk around his little christmas tree

Check out our other headcanons~ Masterlist

[miss-joanie]

“looks like love”

021917 Glow Run 2017 | If ever anyone is wondering why I went on a fangirl/tv/tumblr hiatus, this was the very reason. I got fully consumed by my love for my job as the student body president. I am posting this here because I am in a state of separation anxiety right now and it feels great to reminisce on the highlight of my 1-year term without reservations on what to write and concerns about who might read it.

I took my role very seriously. The moment I touched the tip of the well I knew I was in deep and there’s no going back. Back in December, right before I begun the intense stages of proposal, approval and planning, I would stay up until 3 am, just lying in bed, thinking about what’s ahead. The vagueness and uncertainty of expectations from my superiors, my fellow students, and all the participants of my event. I was extremely terrified of the work it entailed. Of course, I was also a student so I had to juggle acad work with preparations as well the burden of exams (which was sadly the very same week of the event).

I was very involved in the preparations. When I say very, I mean VERY. I had my team, of course (as seen in the 2nd picture, right column), but my O.C. self wouldn’t let small things slide. I did everything with my own hands, from the t-shirt design, posters, & teaser trailers (I must say, my tumblr vid-ing, gif-ing “experience” really paid off), to the more taxing, mind boggling, and breakdown-inducing ones such as securing a permit from the City Hall, coordinating with Manila Police Officers and traffic enforcers, personally registering, accounting for, getting shirt sizes, and giving actual shirt to the participants, buying glow paraphernalia, making sure everything glows in the dark, and finally, making a financial report. Everything else is history.

I actually got exhausted from writing that paragraph. Phew! Looking back at it now, I asked myself how in hell’s den did I manage while also maintaining my composure as a student and planning minor events in between (e.i. Teachers’ Day, Valentines, student affairs everyday). Well, nothing could’ve powered me through if not love. It’s so cliché to say that (and I actually got called out for it which was a tiny bit insulting) but it’s the only thing that could’ve possibly given me that drive, that determination, that flaming passion to persevere.

Countless headaches, several mental breakdowns, and months of tear-inducing paperwork later, we finally did it! Of course I am most thankful to the people whose help I couldn’t have managed without. However, I am also extremely proud of myself. For enduring the pain and exhaustion. For being patient, and respectful, and kind even when my nerves are about to explode. For always looking for ways to push through tough circumstances. For mending broken roads to build a highway. For never giving up. And for finally finding joy in the happiness of others. I persisted!

I mean it sincerely from the endless pit of my tainted heart, I am happy because I made other people happy and I was able to give financial help to my school in improving our auditorium. For this reason, and this reason solely, I am grateful for the opportunity to serve. I don’t think I gained anything physical in this. Yes, I was very much acknowledged and thanked more than I think I deserve but all that turns to a blur when I think of all the lessons I harvested from this extraordinary experience. Beyond grades (which I did not get btw and which I couldn’t care less about), and recognition, and reputation, I have learned the greatest lesson of all:

Love.

[panic-in-tarir]

One year in review

That’s it! The OH IT’S BEEN ONE YEAR post is here!

The closer my first anniversary was, the more excited I got, and the more thoughts I gathered for one “summary” post. Now that it’s time, suddenly, bam, all of them gone. :’> *wipes sweat*

Recently I had someone asking about my progression and how I managed to get there (???? where? derp). Well, I guess, I could just start telling about my first deeds in GW2, and then see if I can add something.

This might or might not be relevant, but I come from Wakfu, a colorful 2D game with turn-based combat. It’s cool visually, but also has terrible management issues, lack of developer care, one of the worst customer supports ever, list goes on.. I played it since 2012, and year by year, only grew angry, disappointed and hurt. That was like an abusive relationship I couldn’t get out of. I refused to try different genre and engine games. Finally, @aketan​ / @flame-squad​ / Rika got me lowkey interested in GW2 (she was commenting expressively while playing, and I peeked over her shoulder), I decided to try it. And stayed. Migrating to a real-time 3D game wasn’t easy! Yet, it was my lifesaver decision. GW2 has everything that I wish was there in Wakfu. It took me several months, if not a year, to get fully “healed”, to recover from the bad game and start believing that good games exist. When I had to contact GW2 support, I was touched to tears.. Everything and everyone is so nice here.

That wall of text was a foreword! Or explanation why I’m so excited and grateful about every aspect of GW2.

I started without putting too much thought into the char creation, as a result, now I have yet another main whose name is literally foreign language swearing or pun. GG me. After having been completely lost and confused by the controls (I LITERALLY ran backwards and yelled), after having a short but comprehensive lesson from bff, I started derping around on my own. I think I was only guided until lvl 5 or so, then my buddy let me do whatever I want. I come from a sandbox-wannabe game so it didn’t take me forever to get comfortable and set my first goals. Of course, I had a shit ton of questions, which I didn’t hesitate to spam Rika with. It’s cool to have someone ready to explain you the basics and patiently show you things. :D My several first days, or even weeks, were intense. I didn’t rush levels, but was eager to see the world. It was so amazing to me that I was spending 8-10 hours a day, running around, completing maps. I started in Metrica but quickly wandered away to Caledon (”oh! a portal?!”), where I spent a handful of time then.

With such a desire to discover and observe, and after having seen the title you’re awarded for 100% world map completion, I set it as my first ultimate goal. I approached it rather seriously, and had an incredibly fun time, at least until I had only Orr left undiscovered. x’D As a squishy (and slow, and dumb) ele, I was frightened and a bit discouraged by the amount of, well, deaths here. If I recall correctly, I still wore yellows at that time, although I was 80. Rika helped me and accompanied me for a bit. Orr was tough and I legit cried out of anger and frustration when I was alone, but that was the only unpleasant moment in entire year, and only because I wasn’t good at the game yet.

In the meantime, I was leveling my first alt, human engi. Do you actually remember that f2p accounts only allow 2 chars? Later, after buying HoT, I finally got loose.

They say, you always remember the place where you finished your first world map. For me, and oddly enough, for Rika, it was Field of Ruins. We reached the last POI at the same time, and, boy, did it feel great. My first big accomplishment. It dropped like.. Like a norn fart in a moot (c) Jory \o/ I still use the title btw, “been there, done that”. \o/

Then, there was a relatively dull period before buying HoT. I focused on doing my personal story, maxing out my alt and getting into crafting. The latter quickly became addictive to me. It’s so smooth, fun and exciting in GW2. Artificer was my first discipline, and after getting the hang of it, I breezed through 100-500 in a single day’s course.

That’s what the progression of my first 4-5 months looked like! I still was f2p, did only open world content and had one person to play with. I’m my own boss so it’s up to me to decide if I want to spend 30 minutes or 8 hours ingame.

HoT was a blessing in every aspect possible! I never regretted buying it, never regretted taking my time and not buying it earlier though - I needed that f2p scrub time to learn the basics, and to appreciate all the convenience and QoL improvements that come with HoT.

That’s where the real game starts, if I could say that. Core Tyria is by all means amazing, but you can go only this far if your account has those market and mail restrictions.. I used to enjoy playing market in Wakfu (while it was still alive) and I was excited to try it in GW2. When I bought the expansion and got my account fully functional, I got some skins and dyes ahead of all, then proceeded with crafting since I was really addicted to it and excited to max all the disciplines as my medium priority goal.

GW2 is encouraging altoholism! So I found myself leveling a third character (tried revenant and didn’t notice how I got her to level 20-ish and it was too late to delete), then fourth, fifth, then more char slots.. You see my weakness. I quickly realized the perks of having alts: storage, gathering, alternative personal stories, so on. When you’re an altoholic, plus you have yet to finish gearing up your main, plus you can barely hold yourself from leveling another crafting discipline.. RIP GOLD. I never had more than 30-100g at that time period.

Since market and wealth are one of my biggest passions ingame, I learned ways to earn me some coins, one by one. It’s not that hard if you’re a patient gatherer like me. Just run around, chop trees, collect ore and herbs.. I enjoy it so much, maybe it’s grind for someone, but I find it relaxing. Also it brings you gold. \o/ I found a few niche crafts that I could keep making and selling, then got familiar with market flipping, still not doing it like “big daddies” do, I might be too inefficient and lazy at it. But still, I found my own stable sources of income. Not gonna lie, the game just seems to like me and spoils occasionally. I don’t wanna brag, but there was like 4 precursor drops for me, 2 from mystic toilet, 2 practically dropped from the sky. I might be a little luckier than the average player. But that’s well deserved given how much suffering I had in Wakfu. :’D

When we talk about luck, we can’t avoid mentioning gambling. I learned about mystic toilet quite early, but never was a slave to it. Tarrktun has a bit more power over me, but I’ve never lost too much, only gained little by little. Black Lion Keys are the most evil gambling aspect if you ask me, I’ve spent quite a bit of money on those, though sometimes got nice things in exchange. Either gold to gems or gems for real money, I don’t mind spending it on Anet since they very, very well deserve it.

Given my passion, patience and luck, you must think I should be filthy rich by now.. Hah. :’DD Sadly, I’m just as good at spending as I’m at earning! I blew a lot of money on my own “needs” and “wants” and “why not”s, I keep investing into long term sales, I also often buy gifts for my buddies, mostly Rika. Money comes, money goes. GW2efficiency says my account is worth 14k gold currently. Not a bad progress for a year, I suppose.

So.. My biggest interests and playstyle are gold wars, fashion wars, altoholism.. I became quite a lore geek, completed PS, LS2, available LS3 episodes & most of current events, most of HoT? I should finish it but I procrastinate for some reason.

My current achievement number is 7610, mastery rank is 129 iirc. I’m not a casual derp anymore, but still too afraid to fail in front of strangers so I don’t really do dungeons or fractals. I mean I DO, when my bff literally holds my hand and goes there with me, then 3 strangers vs two of us is tad bit less scary. My combat skill, my reflexes and reactions are rather pathetic, even if I got significantly better after HoT and LS3 maps. I must train more, so recently I made a tanky character to practice, I hope to get good enough to clear story mode dungeons and low level fractals alone. Maybe I’m being too hard at myself, but combat skill has practically the biggest influence in this game, so I must git gud, at least acceptable, so I don’t feel ashamed to play with other people and don’t let them down. :’D

I’m a pve trash. Tried WvW and don’t mind coming here again, but not too much. PvP is a big no-no. Just.. Not my thing. Never. Not with my current skill and mindset (people = stress).

I’ve still got a mind-boggling amount of things to do. Personal goals, mere achievements, secrets and mysteries I’m yet to uncover, lore things to read. Maybe I’ll play GW1 one day, if there’s ever a discount sale. \;w;/ I’m super curious about every tiny bit of lore, also want some skins that are exclusive to GW1. That pleasant, sweet feeling that there’s so much interesting things ahead. I will take my time and never grind anything to frustration, for example, I’ve been working on my first leg, Sunrise, on and off and I’ll wait several months more, until I get all the clovers from the monthly chest. I don’t sweat it and just enjoy the game however I see it. Feelsgoodman.

I hope I managed to answer that person’s question, how did I get where I’m currently? Just took my time, learned my own pace and enjoyed every minute I spent online. Love the game, and it will love you back. \o/

[itchymatchoo]

So. Hello there. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything personal on this blog and I usually do that when I need to get my mind off pressing issues by ranting about them so. I guess that’s what I’m about to do right now? Except that the issue isn’t really... pressing, per se. It’s just a culmination of everything that’s happened ‘til now I guess. 

I think I’m depressed. I know that I’ve been saying this to myself over and over again. And I definitely feel like I’ve been depressed for a really long time so I really don’t know why stating it now even makes a lick of difference. 

I don’t know. The only other people I’ve ever told about this, I mean outrightly, were my parents and some internet friends. And maybe I’ve told a few irl friends? But idk, I guess I just never made it a big deal to them even though I guess it is. There are just a few things that happened lately that made me think about all of this. Again. 

So. Lots of things happened this year. I umm finally graduated uni, hurray? And then. Without even getting a tiny bit of space for some much needed R&R after a very stressful semester, we drove right back in for our review sessions for our licensure exams. Long story short, I am now a licensed electronics engineer in my country, hurray?

That sentence you know? “I am now a fully licensed engineer!” It should really spark some kind of pride within me you know? And it does. Kind of. I did put in SOME time into it so I definitely feel like I deserve some credit but. 

I never admitted this to ANYONE outside of my family but. Every single day after listening to the review lectures, trying to absorb all that content, yadda yadda. Every single day after the review. Do you know what I did? I just played games. 

I know it sounds anticlimactic like, aw dude is that it? It’s ok to take a break sometimes man. But you don’t understand. While my friends and my other peers were tearing their hair out studying really hard, memorising formulas, making reviewers and reading every single possible source material available, what in the hell’s name was I doing? I was playing. An online mobile game. For days on end. 

Like? I know. I knew. I knew that what I was doing was stupid. That what I was doing was self-destructive. That in the end all this was going to achieve was setting myself down a slippery slope and causing grief to my parents who put in the time and money to send me to that review center. I mean, I still went to all my lectures! Most of them. And you know the funny part is that I DO want to learn. I think it’s great to learn all kinds of things but its just that. Reviewing? Studying? I have NEVER been great at that stuff. Never. Not even in uni. I like learning. I really do. But something as rigid as sitting for HOURS AND HOURS on END reading and memorising nothing but words and numbers that really don’t mean anything to me is just so. Anal. And un-engaging. And I can’t focus.

I WENT to the lectures and I LISTENED. Really listened. Tried to absorb all that shit. But this wasn’t like uni where I just had to focus for a few hours a week then once the quizzes and exams were done, I could just flush all that info down the toilet. No, this was a 6 month affair. And I wanted to do it right! I really did. I even bought all kinds of crap to help me organize and I wrote a bunch of formulas on some sticky notes and stuck them on my walls and door. They’re still right here in my room as I write. I still haven’t torn them down! Or deleted the pictures of slides I took that I never even once looked at cause I’m a dumb piece of garbage. Why do I even bother.

Anyway. Somewhere down the road I got tired. I got tired of putting in any effort into something I couldn’t care less about. Or maybe I was just never capable of such things idk. Even the moment where I told my dad that I was finally an engineer, jumping up and down. It was so. Empty. There was feeling of relief and jesus DISbelief. But like. In the end its like. Okay, so what? I mean. I did not take this shit seriously like. At all. I mean, I binged Stranger Things S3 in the middle of the review while my “friends” were saying things to my other friends shit like, wow cant believe you have time to do basic human things instead of studying? Like yikes but also jeez! I was supposed to be that frazzled but I just wasn’t cause I am flaming garbage fire who would much rather focus on other fictional characters’ lives instead of trying to face her own. 

Most of them were pretty much miserable while I was much less stressed but only in a reviewing-related sense. The stress I felt all those months was due to the insurmountable guilt I felt by not studying. My friends kept doing these Q&A’s and they must have noticed how I never quip in to answer cause I knew absolute jackshit. And. God I felt like literal walking poison then. Even the simple act of trying to maintain some semblance of camaraderie with these strangers (it’s simple since I’ve been doing it since Day 1) which btw was already jarring in and of itself, was taking so much out of me. Hanging out with these people felt like punishment. A reminder of how much I’m not doing enough. And in the end I was just as miserable as they were. I pretended of course. I pretended like it was fine. Like by the end of it, my life’s not gonna come crashing down on me cause I knew I was gonna fail.

There was this brief stint wherein I didn’t come to classes for a few days and I never told them why when they asked. I just said it wasn’t a big deal and I was gonna to start going again anyway. And how do you even begin to explain this sea of shit? And why would I? I don’t know these people. And they don’t know me. And I am not comfortable enough to share my vulnerabilities with them. How can I? I have nothing in common with them and they didn’t strike me as the type to have long emotional conversations anyway. (Except for you J**z, u da realest bidge out der)

And then there were my parents. My parents who saw how I acted at home. My parents who were the only reason I even tried to push this hard. They knew that all I did all day long was play games on my phone. Did they even do anything about it? Maybe an empty reprimand here and there and a disapproving look sprinkled in between but they don’t actually have any type of consequence attached to them. And you know, yeah I get it. I’m 24. I’m old enough to know what’s wrong and what’s right and what it is I’m actually supposed to be doing. I know they expected me to be responsible for myself but really? 

They never even asked me how I was doing. Nothing but reprimands and that’s only if they ever pass me in the hallway or have some kind of forced encounter with me. They never try to seek me out or express outright concern about my well-being. They never ask me, hey what’s really going on? Are you alright? Is there anything you want to talk about? Anything I can do to help? And it’s not like I made it so BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that I was not doing fine in terms of the reviewing or anything right? 

It was always just, why aren’t you studying more? Shouldn’t you be studying? Why are you always playing games? It’s like they expect me to be this person and if they knew me AT ALL, they would know that I’m not that person. I never was. And all it did was plough me with even more guilt, made me feel even shittier. 

But then they also just, treat me normally? Like nothing’s wrong and everything is right with the world. Like my life wasn’t five seconds away from bursting into flames right in front of their eyes. Like they couldn’t care less if I pass or fail. Because it’s my life not theirs.

Do you even realise? Do you even realise that the only reason I went down this road was just so I could satisfy you? To make amends for all that money you wasted on me in my first uni? Do you realise that the only thing that pushed me forward for all those years and these last 6 months were guilt? Do you know what that feels like? Waking up each day feeling obligated to live life for someone else’s sake. Someone who barely acknowledges all the effort you’ve put in? Do you even know who I am? What I like, what I do in my spare time, what my beliefs are? Do you know anything about your daughter at all? 

Do you even know how miserable your daughter is right now, writing this shitty rant at 6 in the morning cause she can’t sleep? Do you know how terrified she is right now because of so many uncertain things in her life? Do you know how much she’s wanted to kill herself over the past few years? Because of you? And yet you can’t even give her the barest amount of sympathy. All you care about are society’s expectation’s of you. Do you even ever care about me at all? As a person? But hey, at least now you get to boast about your engineer daughter. I’m happy for you.

The saddest part is that I know I’ll never ever get to have that kind  of conversation with them. Ever. Because God knows I’ve tried and I know. 

I know that my mom will find a way twist things in a way to make it seem like she’s the victim in all this. Like she’s the only one suffering. And how much her name will be besmirched if word gets out that her daughter has a mental illness and is suffering from suicidal ideations! Oh how scandalous! Who could have raised such a terrible child! Like I basically confessed to her that I WANT TO DIE EVERY SINGLE DAY and she was like THINK ABOUT ME AND WHAT THEY WOULD SAY ABOUT ME!! LIKE??? WHO IN THE FUCK EVEN ARE “THEY”!!! This is your daughter, basically pleading, crying for help and you. You just, don’t care. At all. You only care about yourself. That’s what it felt like. You might as well have said, suck it up chump cause that’s basically what I got from that conversation. You don’t care about me getting better.

And then there’s my emotionally constipated father who will either tell me that the reason I have these dark thoughts is because there are demons inside my head or be completely silent, pretending to give a shit before his fingers slowly inch towards the remote. Because screw me and my issues, right? He’s had a hard day at work, he deserves to relax. 

I honestly can’t tell who is worse.

So yeah. In this house, we pretend like we don’t have issues. Learned that the goddamn fucking hard way. Suck it up chumps. And they wonder why I don’t want to have children? Maybe because I don’t want to end up like you two.

To be fair, we do have our fun and I do love them despite their shortcomings. I guess this is just me wanting what I can’t have. I can’t expect them to be better. How do you even go about that? I don’t think they even realise that they need to be better. I think they think that they’re doing an okay job which, you know, false, so... I should just learn to deal. It’s depressing but even the people who brought you into this world can really just disappoint you like that.

Anyway. So yeah I can’t talk to anyone. I feel alone even when I finally have people around me. I’m finally free from all these big obligations. I finally have these successes to cover up the massive failures of the past. But it just feels empty and I still feel just as shitty as before. 

What now? I got lucky with my thesis and on one of my subjects and managed to graduate on time (relatively speaking). Then I got lucky again with my licensure exam and managed to eke out passing grade. Is that it though? Gonna rely on luck my whole life? Procrastinating ‘til the day I die? Fake it ‘til you make it or die trying? Killing myself from the anxiety of whether I crash and burn or fly and flourish? How am I even supposed to find a job with an academic record as dismal as mine? Do I even want to work as an engineer? Can I afford therapy when I work? From what I hear, millennials are highly underpaid and can barely make ends meet. I’m 24. I’m not as young as the newly graduates but I don’t even do my own laundry nor do I know how to. How is there any way out of this? How can I get better? Am I capable? Or was I always destined to die by the side of the road like a roadkill? I keep wanting things for myself yet look at me. I’ve been in my bed for nearly a week now. My hair is greasy and I feel gross. And I’ve missed several appointments. And even though I’ve had plenty of opportunity, I haven’t showered for a good 5 days cause my limbs feels heavy which makes no sense since I move around a lot anyway. And I always wanna eat shit and binge content all day long and get depressed when I run out of content so I resort to posting a rant at tumblr.com.

tl;dr: i suffer from impostor syndrome, i have mommy and daddy issues, i feel so utterly alone and i’m still depressed and everything is still shitty despite my “achievements”. 

So really. Nothing new.