#also as im backtracking through the story again im starting to wonder if i got gaslit by the protag into thinking Helene is a good person

[shidoukanae]

backtracking through TME again and im still utterly in awe of Helene and her writing

I thought by the time i reached episode 72 that her story arc was mostly cleaned up. We got to learn that she does care about Lyla and that she's basically the asshole with a heart of gold stereotype wrapped in a few layers of pettiness and a faint hint of immaturity on her part.

...But now im realizing there MUST be still a lot to her character to go. There's just no way there's not. Between the missing event that turned Helene against Lyla and the way Helene warned Lyla not to trust or get close to her...not to mention we still haven't addressed the reason why OG!Helene destroyed the world in the first place...man, I LOVE that there's still more to her character to go

Helene is literally everything I have ever wanted to see in a character wrapped into one. I'm still shook she exists, that the whole of TME's plot never forgets her or shelves her potential.

She's a gal who has never gotten the chance to really mature into the person she should be due to Lyla's continued existence. She's petty and mean but her original saintly nature seems to be still intact. She's a walking contradiction: both cruel and kind and brave yet afraid. The amount of complexity and depth invested into her is honestly astonishing. And I wouldn't be surprised if she's heading for a villain arc considering her ties with her mother and the hints that she has a hand in the deaths of the empire's mages.

And I just,,,, god,,,, I want to create characters on the same level as Helene (and as the rest of this cast, actually). And while im currently in a rut with OC stuff due to being overwhelmed (and in a "what's the point" mindset lmao), this manga is SUCH an inspiration for me and all i wanna do is cling onto it and hope it never ends :'D

[artificialqueens]

Girl I Met On The Internet, 2/? (Crystal x Gigi) - Strawberry

a/n: aaaa i’m so glad everyone liked the first chapter! i think this story will end up staying focused on gigi and crystal for the most part, but there is some (one sided) jankie in this chapter if you’re into that! also: just in case no one got the reference, the nickname crystal gives gigi, ‘georgia rose’,comes from the 1d lyrics “Said her name was georgia rose, and her daddy was a dentist” from their song ‘best song ever’!

gigi: are u okay :( ily crystal

crystal: yeah i just got picked on by this cheerleader that doesnt like me

Technically, she wasn’t lying. Crystal didn’t think it was too bad, considering she really only ever saw Dahlia in history class, but she still made it her mission to make that 45 minutes rough for Crystal whenever possible. This time it was pushing all of Crystal’s belongings off of her desk while she was leaving.

gigi: fuck. im sorry. 

crystal: it’s fine dskjdshjgkjf i wish all cheerleaders could take notes from you and jan

gigi: yaaas me and jan invented being nice

gigi: but i was wondering if maybe you could teach me about one direction later tonight?

Crystal had tried to convince the group earlier in the week that One Direction was the best boy band ever, and had only managed to get Jan to agree. She was glad that Gigi had finally come to her senses.

crystal: finally changing your mind? amazayn!

gigi: i regret asking now. take that pun back to 2011!!!!

The rest of the day went as normal. The chat was pretty active, but eventually died down at the end of the school day. Everyone seemed to have plans; Jan was studying, Jaida was going out to hang with friends, Nicky was sleeping, and Heidi was starting a new challenge on the Sims. It appeared to be just her and Gigi, alone in the group chat. 

Crystal decided to message Gigi privately, not wanting the rest of the girls to see her go into full stan mode. If someone asked Crystal about her interests, she could go hours before thinking of stopping herself.

crystal: ok miss gigi are you ready for your 1d crash course?

Crystal told Gigi everything she wanted to know and even more. A history of how they got together, way too much information on each of the five boys, telling her the best songs on each album, and making sure that Gigi knew ‘Midnight Memories’ was their best album. 

gigi: but ur @ is dedicated to made in the am?? fraud!

crystal: HELPFDFHBJ

crystal: mmcrystal sounds weird… like no thanks 

gigi: that was very interesting.. i’ll def listen to midnight memories in the morning <3

crystal: YAY! gigi 1d stan finally

gigi: no promises! :)

Crystal didn’t respond to that, not really knowing what to talk about now. Having a group of friends helped her be less awkward, but it definitely didn’t fix that problem completely. 

gigi: do u wanna play 21 questions or something?? to get to know eachother better???

Of course, Crystal jumped at the chance to get to know the other girl better. It started very innocently, asking about favorite colors and foods. Gigi quickly changed that.

gigi: uhh… have u ever kissed a girl?

crystal: sadly no.. my state is full of straight people

gigi: same.. ur turn

crystal: this feels awkward to ask but uhhh….

As soon as she hits send, she instantly regrets it. She backtracks what she had originally typed, desperately trying to come up with another question. Crystal was not able to think of anything else.

gigi: ????

“I guess I’ll have to do it,” Crystal says, talking to absolutely no one. She types it out again, looking away from her phone as she blindly tried to hit the send button, like it would help her situation be any less flustering for her.

crystal: how long have you and nicky been dating?

Would Gigi find it weird that she asked? Gigi was the one who brought up kissing girls, not Crystal, so it would be fine. Right?

gigi: CRYSTAL WHATBDGNHSDMFD

gigi: nicky and i are not dating omg im single

gigi: she’s like my sister. plus i would never do long distance

Crystal was so embarrassed. She was relieved this conversation was taking place through a screen, so Gigi wouldn’t see her blushing face. 

She was pleased that she was wrong about the two girls, but Gigi’s answer was upsetting to her.

They asked a few more personal questions before Gigi started asking Crystal would you rather questions instead. Crystal’s favorite out of them was if she would rather get a mullet or dress like a clown every day for the rest of her high school career. The answer was both, obviously. 

They spent the rest of the night sending each other stupid questions, giggling to themselves. The later it got, the more Gigi would flirt with her. At least Crystal thought it was flirting.

gigi: it’s really late and i have a test tomorrow so im gonna go to sleep. goodnight, babe

Gigi always would say ‘goodnight, bitch’, and this made Crystal even more confused. The ongoing joke that lesbians had the hardest time telling if a girl is into them or not was one of Crystal’s favorites, but now she couldn’t help but wonder if that was exactly what was happening to her. There was obviously a connection between them, but it was unclear to Crystal if it was just platonic. 

It didn’t hit her until later that night, while she was trying to fall asleep, but Crystal wasn’t entirely sure where Gigi lived. She knew they were in the same time zone, but wasn’t sure what state she was in. It was totally possible that Gigi lived in Missouri, but Crystal highly doubted it. Though Gigi obviously trusted Crystal enough to want to play 21 questions with her, she was still very private, and Crystal wasn’t too sure if Gigi would tell her what state she was in. 

Crystal fell asleep thinking about her highly unrealistic perfect world, where Gigi lived in Missouri and where Crystal wasn’t just another Nicky. 

-

Crystal got onto Twitter right after waking up the next morning, ready to ask Gigi if she happened to live in Missouri, but quickly got distracted with a very interesting conversation going on in the group chat.

jan!: now i may not be gay but i’m in love with a woman… 2 words jackie

jaida: i- that’s only one word

jan!: fuck

heidi: the way i can’t tell if you’re joking or not

jan!: the way i don’t think i am joking

gigi: YAAS about time u admitted that u like her

crystal: hold on i thought jan was straight?? who’s jackie???

nicky: do you really think a straight person would hang out with us?

crystal: good point 

jan!: I AM STRAIGHT! i think? i don’t know i’m so confused. 

heidi: jackie is jan’s local @ crystal

gigi: jan be like: im straight.

gigi: but also jan is like: wow jackie is so pretty and she’s so funny and smart i’m going to fail geometry so she can tutor me but no homo!

heidi: the delusion janice has…

jaida: not to be serious but if you think you like jackie, you probably aren’t straight baby. everyone else hush and let her talk

nicky: ^^ yeah jan what happened

jan!: first of all i did not fail geometry i just said we should study together so we did!!! and have been for months! but last night i couldn’t focus at all bc she’s so pretty all i wanted to do was k*ss her out of nowhere

In a way, Crystal could definitely relate. Gigi wasn’t her local, she still didn’t know what the girl looked like, but she still kind of wanted to kiss her. She couldn’t focus on anything besides Gigi sometimes, not like she would ever admit it. 

All of the girls had sent many comforting messages addressed to Jan, saying that it was okay, and she has all the time she needs to figure out her feelings. Afterwards, everyone had gone back to being playful. Gigi also tried to convince her to make a move on Jackie, which Jan refused.

gigi: if u talk to her u guys can get married <3

crystal: gigi you’re so stupid i love it

jan!: omg did someone say stupid love??? stream! 

gigi: crystal back me up :(

crystal: i might’ve found out who jackie is only 10 minutes ago but i will cry if jan doesn’t talk to her right now

jan!: better start crying bc i dont think i can even look at her now

jaida: that’s not saying much at all. you cried the other day bc gigi sent a pic of her dog

crystal: I AM A NANCY STAN FIRST AND A HUMAN SECOND!!

Crystal knew she looked like an idiot, walking to her locker with her eyes glued to her phone and a dopey smile on her face but she couldn’t care less.

-

The day actually went well for Crystal. The highlight of her day was finding out that the story she wrote for her creative writing class had gotten the highest grade out of everyone in the class, earning her a piece of candy. 

crystal: just got candy and a 99% on my story for class… i truly have the mind of a mastermind

jaida: beauty and intelligence in one combined!

Navigating through the halls was much more difficult when your eyes are glued to your phone, but replying to a meme Jaida sent seemed much more appealing to Crystal than getting to her seventh period without worrying about bumping into someone.  And bumping into someone, she did.

“What the actual fuck, weirdo?” Dahlia yelped, looking extremely offended, “Get off of your sad, cracked phone and watch where your dumb ass is going.”

Crystal just stared at her, frozen in fear. Dahlia taunted her daily, but this was very different from how she usually acts towards her. It was quite terrifying. 

“I swear to God, if you ever look at me, let alone fucking touch me again-” She continued, but before she could finish her statement, she was interrupted by her friend, Georgina running over and pulling her away. 

Crystal didn’t think Georgina shared Dahlia's hatred for her, and Crystal didn’t hate Georgina either. Georgina actually seemed very sweet besides the fact that she had never bothered to step in on the rare occasion Dahlia happened to target Crystal outside of class.

“Can you please leave her alone? We don’t have time for this.” Georgina groaned, looking back at Crystal, flashing her a quick smile, before turning around to escort Dahlia to what Crystal assumed was cheerleading practice.

“But she bumped into me!” Dahlia whined, not used to being interrupted like this.

“Really? Wow, funny. I don’t care.”

Once they were out of sight, Crystal was alone again. She pulled out her phone and went to check if anyone had said anything else in the chat; just Jan freaking out, because Jackie had smiled at her in the hallway.

heidi: everyone say i if you think jan should stop being a baby and ask jackie out

jaida: i

crystal: i

jan!: WTF

jan!: friendship ended with heidi, jaida and crystal. now nicky and gigi are my best friends

jaida: they would say i too if they were online and you know that

jan!: i don’t need friends! they disappoint me!

Crystal decided to not use her phone while she was walking home, not wanting to have a repeat of the Dahlia situation. Her after school routine changed a lot in the past week, making a rule to not check Twitter before completing her homework. Her Twitter addiction was getting worse, but since it was also causing her to be more productive with doing her homework, she saw no issues with it. Once she had finished, she picked up her phone to see that Gigi had messaged her less than a minute ago.

gigi: hey clown :) im done w practice

crystal: WHY AM I A CLOWNDFSHDM

gigi: u just have clown energy. i cant and wont explain 

crystal: honestly yeah i see it but can i at least be your clown wife or something

gigi: yeah <3 hey clown wife! i listened to most of midnight memories and it was really good! my fave song is u and i

If that’s not love, then what is? If that’s not friendship, then what is? Crystal had never been able to get anyone to listen to anything she recommended, ever. She was filled with glee, double tapping the message to heart it. It meant a lot to her.

crystal: YAYAYAYAYA im so glad but it looks so ugly when you spell it like that 

gigi: my fave song you and i* >:(

crystal: better 

gigi: if i have to stop spelling it as u to make you not divorce me i will

Crystal knew deep down it was just a joke, but it made her heart race. The feeling she got every time Gigi would flirt with her was very unfamiliar, but very nice. It didn’t help that Crystal thought ‘You and I’ was one of the most romantic songs One Direction had, she couldn’t help but make the fact Gigi liked it out of all of the other songs into something it was not.

This reminded her of her late night thoughts. She had completely forgotten to ask Gigi where she lived, but the idea didn’t seem the greatest now that she was fully awake. She was still curious though, so against her better judgement she asked, without a segway or anything.

crystal: i forgot to ask but what state do you live in? asking for science

gigi: oh i live in missouri

crystal: omg me too

gigi: i don’t wanna reveal where but this is amazing.. maybe we won’t have to break the distance at all <3

Pleased that she somehow got an answer, Crystal changed the conversation into a discussion of ‘Midnight Memories’, and if Gigi agreed with the opinions Crystal had shared the night before. She did, for the most part and before they knew it, it was time for Gigi to go sleep. Had they really talked all evening? 

gigi: i have to get up early so i need to go to sleep but im really glad jan added u to the gc

crystal: and im happy you asked me about one direction!

gigi: me too. ur cute when ur passionate. i hope we can continue to grow closer

crystal: i’d like that.

gigi: goodnight, my clown :)

crystal: goodnight, georgia rose

gigi: U DID NOT

gigi: my full name isnt even georgia and dad isnt even a dentist but i’ll allow it bc i know u think u invented comedy

gigi: ok gn now <33 luv u

crystal: gn!!! sleep well

Crystal wanted them to stay like this forever.

[strangerthingsharrington]

Can’t Fight This Feeling

-12-

Once everyone came down from the shock of everything we started talking. Trying to think of something, anything, to get us out of the position we were in.

But..it was almost midnight and Dustin and Erica started showing their exhaustion. Erica fell asleep first with Dustin going about ten minutes later. Robin pushed through a little longer but she fell asleep leaning against one of the walls.

I was past the point of exhaustion and had new energy. I sighed and leaned against some of the boxes, trying in vain to relax.

A few feet away sat Steve, running a hand through his hair.

"Well?" I asked him.

He looked back at me questioningly, "Well?" he echoed.

"What are we going to do?" I asked.

He sighed, "I have no idea, I mean, none of the buttons work and we can't climb out...I have no idea."

I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes, "The walkie talkie?" I wondered.

He hummed, "Maybe, but there's no point now since it's so late. Doubtful anyone would even hear it."

I bit my lip, "So we're just...stuck."

I heard him shuffling so I looked over to him and sat that he moved to sit right in front of me, our legs just a few inches away from each other.

"For now," he stated, "we're gonna get out of here...it just won't be through the elevator right now. When the doors open-"

"We'll have to fight," I finished simply.

He grinned at me, "Or be sneaky and get out," he raised his brows.

"Or be sneaky," I agreed, "how would we do that though?"

He sighed, "I'm not sure," he admitted, "that's the problem...it might have to be an on the move kinda plan that we can't plan for."

I knew he was right. We didn't know what was behind the doors. We didn't know what we were going to have to do. We wouldn't know what to do until the last possible second.

"Shit," I whispered.

"Hey," Steve softly said, causing my eyes to flash to him, "I was serious when I said I wouldn't let anything happen to Dustin, you know?"

I smiled back cautiously, "I know."

He cleared his throat, "That extends to you too, okay? I won't let anything happen to either of you...Robin and Erica too, obviously," he added, "I swear it."

"Thanks Steve," I told him.

Steve stretched his legs out in front of him, which put them next to my legs, "You happy to be almost done with school?" he questioned.

I sighed straightening my legs out too. It clicked in my head in an instant. Could this be the moment where I got all my feelings about King Steve off my chest? So that maybe every time I looked at Steve I wouldn't have this subconscious fear of whatever he was thinking about? Could this be the moment I, finally, stand up for myself the way I should've against them for years?

I cleared my throat and looked away from him, "Yeah, this is finally gonna be a good year I think, so I'm more looking forward to that."

"Finally?" he asked, puzzled.

I let my eyes ghost over him for a second before looking down at my lap, "Yeah...now that some certain kids are gone, I might actually have a pleasant school year."

I took a peak up at him and say his eyes watching me intently, "Who?"

Just as quickly as my semi bravery came, it was gone. I realized I didn't want to hurt his feelings or anything. 

I looked down once again, "Tommy and Carole mostly...but um," I bit my lip, wishing I could backtrack and not say anything else, but I was too far gone, "you were there for one big one."

"What?" he blurted, shocked.

I took a breath and looked up at him, seeing the sadness already evident on his face, "When Tommy told me you had a crush on me? Then you laughed and told him how messed up that was. You also called me Lisa so..."

He sighed deeply and rubbed a hand on the back of his neck, "Shit," he whispered quietly, "I honestly don't remember that...but yeah that sounds like something douchy Steve would be involved in," Steve lamented, as I watched his body semi deflate as this realization.

I shrugged my shoulders gently, "You definitely were."

He ran a hand through his hair before bringing his knees up to his chest, "That's not...me anymore, Lou," he expressed, wrapping his arms around his knees.

I shot him a small smile, "So I've been told," I told him before sighing heavily, "Steve I don't-I dont necessarily think thats you anymore either...but that was just such a shitty thing, and I really wanted to get it off my chest."

He let his legs stretch out once more and his mouth fell open, "Is that...is that why you hadn't really talked to me when I started hanging around with Dustin? Or why you seemed a bit standoff-ish at the beginning of all this?" he wondered watching for my reaction.

I looked away from him as I nodded slowly.

"Lou," he breathed, I looked back to him and saw the regret in his eyes, he looked so sad, "I'm really sorry...about all of that," he told me earnestly, fidgeting with the hem of his scoops ahoy shirt.

I smiled a little and looked away from him, "Thanks."

"Please don't...accept the apology unless you...really accept it. I was a true asshole in school, and I just-shit," he said, looking up to the ceiling, "I know how much of a jerk I was to a lot of people, Lou. You included, same with Jonathan and probably Robin too."

"Steve," I began, "Steve, please look at me," I pleaded.

He took a second but he finally lowered his head and made eye contact with me.

"I know that...that was all high school shit and maybe it was to save face with Tommy H and Carole...regardless, yeah you kinda sucked in high school," I rambled, trying to get to my point, "but that doesn't seem like you now. And I wasn't bringing this up to make you feel bad or to upset or hurt you...it's just been something that's been weighing on me for so long, then we're thrown into this madness together. I just wanted to get this off of me so that I coukd start dealing with it instead of bottling it up."

"Trust me, I'm happy you brought it up," he told me, "I don't want you to have this version of me in your head anymore. The shit I did to a lot of people was-it was really messed up. I can't change it, but I can try and change the way you think of me going forward."

"I appreciate that a lot, Steve, really I do," I admitted, "we really don't have to keep talking about this...it's been said so we can just...continue onwards."

"Just before we move forward or whatever, I just...shit," he sighed running both hands through his hair before looking back to me with an intensity I hadnt seen before from him, "I will never intentionally hurt you, Louise. Seriously, I-I was a jerk back then, not that that's an excuse, but that's the truth. And I'm so sorry you've carried that around with you all this time, it should have never happened. I'm just...so sorry. Really, really from the bottom of my heart, I'm so sorry."

I was taken aback a bit because of his response to this. I never once thought he would react to this the way he did. With absolute sincerity and honesty and admitting how much of a jerk he was. I couldnt believe it.

"Thank-you, Steve," I said, breathlessly, "that means a lot to me."

He grinned sadly at me briefly before his eyes looked downcast. I looked away from him to give him his space after all of that. He finally spoke up after a few minutes.

"So I mean...have you started looking at colleges yet?" he asked quietly.

I smiled over at him, "A few...I think im gonna stay local though, be close to mom and Dust...especially knowing all this now, I'll wanna be as close as I can be," I chuckled.

"What about you? Where are you headed this year?" I asked him.

"To Scoops Ahoy," he answered automatically.

I squinted, "Oh...so no college?"

He cleared his throat, "No...I figured that I'd take a year off and work, you know, learn the value of earning and all that shit. Then figure out what I wanna do."

"That's smart, Steve," I smiled.

He shook his head with a small smile, "Honestly I just wanted to see if my story was as believable to people as I wanted it to be. Truthfully, I didn't get into any school that I wanted and my dad said I needed to get a job...and that's the scoops ahoy story."

I immediately felt bad for him, "I'm really sorry, Steve."

He shrugged, "Hey...that's life I guess. I proved my dad right that I wouldn't amount to anything other than working for him so...I mean, you heard what he said...I'm his biggest disappointment," he mumbled.

"What do you want to do?"

"What?"

"What do you want to be when you're older?"

He scratched his head, "Oh...I dont know, I guess. I've never really thought of it too much.  What about you?"

"I want to be an accountant, I've done my moms taxes for the last few years just for fun before she gave them to the actual accountant and I've always been right. I like numbers and stuff," I explained, feeling self conscious that he would think I'm a nerd or something.

"That's a good one," he nodded with a smile, "you're really smart, Lou. You could literally do anything, I think."

My face flushed at his words, "Thanks," I said softly.

He hesitated with a thoughtful expression, "Maybe a teacher," he finally said, "I like hanging out with your brother and the other kids in the party for the most part...I like imparting my wisdom on them and helping them out...yeah...a teacher sounds good," he said with a very faint smile, but the smile was gone in an instant.

"But no school will take me for that...my grades were shit, no one would want me teaching their kids," he declared with an eye roll before looking to the wall.

I put my hand on his knee and shook it to get him to look at me, "Go and talk to the principle or something...maybe they can help out somehow? Taking night classes or something so you can bring your grades up?"

"Yeah that'd look good, Steve Harrington returns to Hawkins High because he got rejected from every school he applied to," he said sarcastically.

I scoffed, "No, it would look like, Steve Harrington returns to school to work towards a better life for himself."

"I'd probably flunk those classes too," he said dejected.

I scooted up so we were closer to each other, and took his hand in mine, looking right in his eyes, "Steve...you've gotta have faith in yourself. If you don't wanna work for your dad then don't work for him. If you don't want to turn out like him, then don't. Nothing is stopping you. You're young, Steve, you can make something of yourself. And you're smart-"

"Not really-"

"Yes you are! You can acknowledge things that you did wrong in the past, you helped with the plan for getting in here, and you're gonna help get us out! I dont know who's been telling you that you're not smart, but they're wrong. Just put your mind to something, Steve, and you'll get whatever it is that you want," I squeezed his hand as I spoke.

He sent me a small smile, "You should re think your career choice and become a motivational speaker."

I laughed quietly, "I'll think about it."

"But seriously, thank you for that...that huh...yeah that means a lot to have someone say that," he explained, putting his other hand over ours.

"No problem," I smiled, "and I'll help you too, Steve. Picking classes, with homework, studying, I'd be happy to help."

"Thank-you," he murmured.

I smiled at him before sliding myself back against the wall, letting his hand go gently in the process.

"So...when the door opens..."

"I'm telling you, I can take them on," he told me, "whoever is on the other side, I'll take them out!" he joked.

I laughed quietly, "I'm sure you will," I said through a yawn.

"Get some sleep, Lou," he told me gently, patting my knee.

I hummed and leaned my head against the wall, "You have too, to."

"I will," he promised.

I sighed, "Close your eyes too, Steve," I said as my eyelids closed by themselves.

"I will, Lou, I swear," he reassured me, with his hand still on my knee.

"Night, Steve," I whispered wearily.

"Night, Louise," he whispered soothingly back to me.

——

Title credit to REO Speedwagon and gif credit to owner

[brushes-of-sage]

Alchemy. It was the only thing that was uniting the princes of Arendelle. While a door had separated the two brothers for the past five years, Hugo found a way to still stay connected to his brother. It all started three years ago, when Hugo realized he was running out of things to do. Oh sure, there were plenty of things in the castle, but that number reduces *significantly* when you realize there’s no one to do these things with you. So, Hugo decided to take up alchemy again. (1/?)

Alright lemme try to see if the keep reading works:

He had stopped working with alchemy when Varian had disappeared behind that cursed door, since alchemy was just another painful reminder of the brother he felt he lost. It was one of the brothers' favorite things to do, along with… along with... well, Hugo couldn’t really remember. The more he tried thinking about things he did with his brother that wasn’t alchemy, he got nothing, just laughter and a small headache. But, the number of things to occupy his time were getting thin.

So, he decided to give alchemy a try. This turned out to be a great decision. Not only did it serve as a distraction, but it served as something to keep his mind going. This distraction worked well for a few weeks until he hit a roadblock. He was trying to perfect an alchemical ice bomb that he had started when he was younger, but could never finish. But nothing seemed to be working. After staring at his disaster of a note pile for the better part of an hour, a little voice in his head said,

“You could go to Varian for help”

“No,” he snapped back, “If Varian wanted to help me or be there for me, he would leave his room. Clearly he doesn’t want to talk to me, or anyone for that matter.” Hugo didn’t want to admit it, but he was starting to get a bit mad at Varian. They were the best of brothers for years, and then just one day, Varian just shuts himself in his room, without a single word as to why. He laid his head on his desk and sighed. “Ah, who am I kidding? I’m going crazy just sitting here, I need to talk to someone, even if its nothing more than alchemy notes.”He gets up, grabs his notes, and starts to make his way to a door he passed by and stared at a million times before. On the way though, his mind is going through a back and forth battle: He wont wanna talk to you! Yes, he does, we havent spoken in forever! I wonder why? Besides its just some alchemy help, I’m not asking anything too extreme! All he has to do is fix a couple equations! What if he tears it up and ignores it, just like he has you these past few years? After this comment, Hugo ended up backtracking back to his room. He’d go tomorrow. Right?

Wrong. It took him three weeks before he found himself staring at the door that plagued his existence for two years now. He raised his hand to knock, and before he could back out, knocked twice and slid the notes through the crack under the door. He started anxiously pacing, his mind going back to the constant battle in his mind that had been raging for the past 3 weeks. After a couple minutes of pacing, Hugo was just about to leave when he heard 2 knocks, and paper slide back under the crack. Instantly, the flurry of anxious thoughts started up again, worrying it would come back blank or with a note saying Varian wouldn't help him. His hands shook as he opened the notes to reveal.. the completed solution. He read the solution 2 3 4 times before a huge smile spread across his face and he laughed a huge genuine laugh he hadn’t used in two years. These notes meant 2 big things: One, he finally had a solution to an alchemy problem he’d had since he was nine. And two, the more important one in Hugo’s opinion, is that his brother doesn’t hate him. That scary thought had crossed his mind multiple times and he had always quickly shot it down, but there was always that one tiny voice who would always say, “But, does he though?” Now, that voice was as good as dead. Varian didn’t hate him. He wasn’t giving him the *total* silent treatment. Maybe he could work up from here, have conversations through the door, send notes, maybe even ask why he was doing any of this in the first place.Just as he’s about to leave for his lab to finish the ice bombs with the now completed formula, Hugo heard two knocks on the door and stopped. He wasn’t expecting anything else. He looked at the bottom of the door and saw a small stack of papers slide under and he picked them up. It was a stack of alchemy notes titled “Melting Bomb” The notes were full of blank spaces and question marks and there was a note attached that said:

Hugo-Please assist me in completing this formula for a melting alchemy bomb. I have been on and off of this project for the past few years, and some assistance would be much appreciated. Thank you.-Varian

As excited as Hugo was that his brother was reaching out to him, and actively looking for his help, he couldn’t help but feel a bit…disappointed at the formality of the note. As if Hugo were some stranger that Varian had just met and had to put up formalities and not his own brother. Nevertheless, he shouts a quick “Be right back!” and dashes off to his room to grab a quill and inkwell. While he runs, he reads over the notes and finds the answer fairly quickly. It wasn’t all that hard, it just was in desperate need of a fresh set of eyes. He scribbled down the answers as quick as possible, not wanting to keep Varian waiting. He runs back to Varians room, knocks 2 times and slips the notes under the door. After a couple of minutes, he hears a soft gasp, the quick scratching of a quill, and a new note being shoved under the door. Hugo picked up the note and stared at the messy handwriting and smiled. This was the big brother he remembered. Thanks for the help! Now go work on your project! This went on for the next few months with notes. Sometimes it wasn't just alchemy they talked about. It started simple, like “How’s your day going” and things like that.

Then it slowly evolved to things like “Get some rest Haristripe” and “You haven’t eaten yet today have you, Hugo?” (Both weren’t exactly the best at self care, especially when they were caught up in their work). The day Hugo finally heard Varian talk was one of the best days of his life. Obviously, he had heard his brother talk before, but it had been years since they had spoken, and as the time passed, Hugo’s memories of Varian’s voice faded. Plus, with the time passing, he knew his voice would have changed. So, when Varian finally said a soft “Thank you”, Hugo’s face lit up with a huge smile. He didn’t talk much, but when he did, Hugo treasured every word he said, committing them to memory. For a while, things were going great. Until one fateful day, when Hugo pushed his luck just a *bit* more than he probably should have. The day started out normal enough, Hugo worked on some experiments he didn’t finish last night, ate some lunch, and then after lunch he grabbed his notes that needed Varian’s help, and started making his way to his room. However, on the way, he realized that as happy as he was to be able to talk to Varian, it didn’t feel *right*. A relationship based solely on notes slipped under a door and minimal verbal talking felt like a false one. What Hugo wanted to know more than anything, was *why*. Why had Varian shut him and the rest of the world out? If it was so necessary, why hadn’t he at least attempted some form of contact? This one word question had plagued Hugo’s mind ever since the door had closed, and he had never really had the confidence to ask it: until now.

So, he went back to his room and wrote out a letter. It was simple, a little more formal than usual, but to the point. It read: Varian- We’ve been talking with each other for a while now, and I feel we are at a point where I can ask this question: Why? Why have you locked yourself in your room and away from the rest of the world? Was it something I did? You can answer as vaguely or specifically as you like, I just would really like some answers. Thanks, Hugo

His hands shook as he folded the letter and slid it under the door. He knew to give Varian a little extra time, this wasn’t just a simple math problem. So Hugo waited. And waited. And waited, until it was dinner time and his stomach forced him to get some food. The whole time, his mind was at war with itself once again: See? You just had to push your luck, didn’t you? He’s giving you the cold shoulder ‘cause you couldn’t leave well enough well enough. No! He’s not giving me the cold shoulder, he’s just taking his time to formulate a response. It’s probably a really long story. Keep telling yourself that. I will! ‘Cause it’s true! If the positive side of Hugo was right, Varian sure was taking his sweet old time, because it was 3 weeks before anything happened. Three weeks of absolute silence from the older prince. The only reason things changed was because Hugo took the brave first step of sliding alchemy notes through the door. Five minutes later, it came back with notes and edits. There were no additional quips, remarks, or any explanations like he had requested three weeks earlier, but this was better than silence. They soon fell back into the routine they had before: notes, minimal verbal communication, and various quips. It felt good to get back to that routine, but a small part of Hugo still ached for answers that he feared would never come. But he never acted on this, fearing that Varian would once again give him the cold shoulder, and this time would ignore him for good.(20/20)

((And there it is! The final part! I hope u enjoyed reading it, this is the first time ive really written something i didnt hate *and* am sharing this with someone. Thank you for taking the time to read this, this means more than u know. Thank you also for letting me take over ur inbox😅Next up im doing this story but w/ varians pov, which ive already started. Thx again! -💙

Ahhhhhh, first off, sorry for getting to this later than I usually do!! These past few weeks have been hectic and I’ve been needing to take a step back and focus more on school and classes and stuff, but I finally got to reading this and OMIGOSH I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!

(Hope you don’t mind if I just added in some italics and kinda changed the formatting to make it easier to read - didn’t take anything off or anything, but the way tumblr formats asks is a bit weird lol, hope that doesn’t offend you! - also number 7 somehow went missing? 😅)

But OMIGOSH YO - just my heart akfjajdjaj 🥺 The two of them building their relationship slowly through passing letters underneath the door? Oh my heart, and the way you can just feel them getting closer and happier because of it?

But then Hugo asking Varian the why - why did he shut him out, why was he behind the door, why can’t they see each other - and then Varian just suddenly going back to that stiff and formal demeanor after that akfjakfjja I cry ahhhhhhh-

“But he never acted on this, fearing that Varian would once again give him the cold shoulder, and this time would ignore him for good.” - JUST RIP MY HEART OUT BLUE NONNIE AHDKGKAKJD

I absolutely loved seeing Hugo’s hesitance then excitement and eagerness to get closer to his brother whom he barely even knows besides a few memories (and ha, I see the headache there 👀) and only to see that he went too far and the fragile bond they’d forged again had melted and akfjakfjaj the FEELS-

Thank you for sharing and for letting me read your writing! I’m excited to see what you’ve got next for Varian’s POV!!! 😱

[marveling-chrisevans]

What If - Walk of shame

What If - Walk of Shame 

Chris Evans x OFC

Chapter six - 1932 words

Part One | Part Two | Part three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six 

Warnings: uh swearing maybe? 

Summary: What if. What if you out of the blue and on an impulse applied for a contest, and what if you won that. What if you met someone who didn’t know you existed, and what if you asked them for a drink after.  What if this impulse changed your entire life.  ** note I didn’t win so I don’t know how all this would go down but this would be how I would have loved it to happen.. the first chapter completely happened.. the texts might not be the same. But it happened**  

 Tag List: @smoothdogsgirl​ @torntaltos​ @patzammit​ – If you wanna be tagged just make a comment below and I am happy to do that or just DM me, whichever

This story is fully caught up and posted on AO3 and Wat pad. I am going to be combining chapters to catch Tumblr up. but if you would like to read everything right now then go ahead. Also please 

https://www.wattpad.com/story/184900452-what-if

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18506152/chapters/43856086

Faith woke up in a daze, she was laying on her side as she slowly opened her eyes to the sun streaming into the room. She saw the view of Hollywood from the hills, She was confused at where she was. The last thing that she remembers was that she was in a car on the way back to the hotel, then everything went kinda blurry. She looked around the room, and smelled food. She was extremely hung over and wanted some food.

She got up and wrapped the sheet around herself cause she didn’t have any clothes, and couldn’t find her dress, that she wore last night. She got up, walked toward the door that was closed and then walked out into the open lay out of the room. You could see the living room to the kitchen, seeing Chris was standing behind the island of the kitchen talking to what looked like his sister and his mother. She quickly backtracked into the room.

She didn’t escape unseen. Dodger jumped up and barked slightly as soon as she disappeared behind the door. She pushed it closed but didn’t get it all the way there as dodger pushed it all the way open. Faith Grabbed her phone and escaped onto the on suite bathroom and found her way into the tub..

Faith looked at her for the first time in most likely 12 hours, and saw that she had like 9 missed calls and texts from rose, and one from her brother. She slide into the tub as dodger jumped up to join her in there and started licking her face which made her laugh “hi puppy, can you stop?” She wondered as she called rose..

Rose answered the phone “Well fuck thank god your not dead, where the hell are you! Ive been worried sick!”

Faith laughed slightly “currently in a bathtub, with a dog, dodger actually in Chris’s Bathroom.. uh naked.. we had sex last night. Apprently, I mean I remember most of the night but then it gets fuzzy..”

Rose gasped on the other end of the phone “how was it, I want to know everything don’t leave out a single thing, oh my god.. I knew it.. MY SHIP IS ALIVE”

Faith pulled the phone from her head “hungover” she angry whispered in the phone “and I don’t remember much of it. Like I said fuzzy, but I can tell you it was the best sex I’ve ever had.. Oh god I hope he used a condom” she said back into the phone

“i did” Chris replied with a smile on his face. Faith looked up to where the voice came from “it was really good for me too”

“i gotta go rose I uh, gotta go uh ill be back in a little bit” Faith said and hung up the phone sliding further into the bathtub to hid which made dodger thing that it was okay to start kiss attacking her again.

“Dodger out” Chris said as dodger then stopped and put his head on the side of the tub looking at the owner “Glad to see you are awake.. I put your clothes on the bed, I washed them this morning. Also there is some coffee in there, I have to go do something with the avengers. I also put my number in your phone. Take as much time as you need, shower do whatever my family just left to go to the beach so you are the only one here” he replied to her

“and where is here so I can uh summon an taxi” She asked looking up at him trying not to make this all awkward more than it already was. Because its be honest it was really awkward for her “also just so you know I didn’t mean for this to happen.. I got way to drunk and I don’t do this, and oh my god did I say, ‘im feeling it now mr. Krabs?” She wondered looking at him

He nodded and laughed slightly “you did and Faith its alright, you are an amazing girl, and like I said last night id love to get to know you more.” He said “i gotta go but can I see you before you leave tomorrow?”

Faith answered her phone as it rang “yes this is Faith Young, Wait what? Are you serious yeah I can be there for an interview tomorrow morning” She smiled “yeah also that would be cool have always wanted to attend one, yeah two tickets. Thanks” she said back to the person and then looked at him and bite her lip as she pulled herself out of the tub making sure the towel was wrapped around herself “uh I guess not, I have an interview tomorrow, for my dream job non the less. So uh maybe? If its later today” you replied “but maybe not? I don’t know” She smiled “maybe we will just have to leave at it as what it is. A winners trip to Meet Chris Evans at the Premier of EndGame” Faith said back to him as he nodded

“I hope that isn’t the case, I have a feeling we will run into each other again” Chris replied as he walked over to her and kissed her one last time before he left the house

Faith closed her eyes when Chris kissed her and wished It would have lasted a little longer. The linger feeling of his pillow soft lips against hers. She stood there a while longer with her eyes closed wishing he never left. She heard the door close and dodger come back in and looked at her.

Faith got up from hiding in the tub, and went out and found her dress. Like he said it was laying on the bed. She wasn’t about wearing that home for the walk of shame. She went and showered in his shower, then raided his dresser and found a basic t shirt and just some smaller looking sized sweatpants.

She then called herself an Lyft. Headed back to the hotel she couldn’t believe that she just slept with her celebrity crush. The one guy who would have been on her exception list when she got married. She took a deep breath as she waited on the street for her ride. She had managed to get out of the house without running into his family. She thanked whoever was listening for that.

On the drive back to the hotel she made basic small talk talk with the driver. Once getting to the hotel she thanked the man and Gave him a cash tip as she had some from the night before, knowing that these drives prefer that over the tip in the app so they can use it right way.

Riding the elevator and going into the room felt so basic compared to her last 12 hours. She came in the room and flopped down on the bed next to Rose.

Rose sat up from where she was on her phone in her bed and looked at Faith “So are you going to spill the tea or are you just going to walk of shame?” She wondered looking at her friend “also are you in Chris’s clothes, because we could get serious money off of those

“Rose I swear if you keep yelling or talking loud or whatever I am going to punch you in the face. Also its not a walk of shame if you're not ashamed it happened?” She questioned back before she kept talking “Also we are not going home tonight, You know that job I told you applied for about a month ago for my jobs tv program, to be a project manager, well apparently I got accepted and They want me to go there for the keynote program tomorrow to show me off or something, give a presentation. I am not sure as I stopped listening when I heard I got the job.” she said back to her with putting her face into the bed sighing heavily ignoring the last comment about eBay comment.

“it can still be a walk of shame..” Rose countered back

Faith got up and walked over to her suitcase shaking her head, “remind me when we finally get home to look at my Lyft pick up history to send these back” She said to rose knowing she wouldn’t remember because she was going go from one project to another and just throw everything in the laundry

Rose smirked “ not gonna do that, but before we hop on another plane I do wanna go to this event at the Chinese theater I heard about, also the walk of fame is over there.” Rose replied knowing what she was asking and what was going on. Faith listened to her talk as she flung on some leggings and a flowing crop top that just showed a little of the top of her midriff. Running a brush through her hair. “okay fine let me take something for this headache and along s we stop at a coffee place I don’t care” Faith replied fixing her make up touching it up and throwing on a pair of sunglasses grabbing her bag “lets go”

The two walked out of the hotel stopping at the first coffee shop for Faith, then finished there walk to the walk of fame. Looking at the stars, stopping for the ones they loved posing and stopping at a few stars as they go. They were across the street from the Chinese theater as faith looked at it confused “what did you say was going on here?” Staring at the arch with the original six in it “Rose if this is an avengers event I don’t wanna be here, I embarrassed myself and then slept with one of the stars.. uh no”

The announcer started to announce the actors as they came out one by one and the producers. Faith of course started to try and hide behind the Camera people and taking a few steps back to be more blended into the crowd

Rose smirked “oh its not like he is going to see you standing in the crowd” she replied back as She went back to cheering as they came out. Faith kinda just tired to blend in and not bring attention to herself. Making sure her sunglasses were firmly in place. Faith hid the best she could till he looked out in the crowd. Even tho the both of them were wearing sunglasses, your eyes connected. You quickly turned your head to look at something else. She could feel his eyes linger at her.

Chris lingered his eye on her, it was the same girl he was with last night. He knew that hair and those lips anywhere. He felt it in his soul. Someone said his name which caught his attempting which made him loose her in the crowd. That could have been because she quickly went and hid behind the building.

Faith took a deep breath as it felt like her heart was in her throat she didn’t know what to do. She went and sat down on the bench that was near by and texted rose her location, and waited for her to come to her. After the ceremony, Rose Found faith and they did the rest of the things tourists do when they are in LA, before going back to the hotel getting their stuff and flying on the plane to the next location in California, this time for Faiths job.

[maylovexhs]

Hi darlings! It’s May! So first thing first, THIS IS NOT AN IMAGINE OR UPDATE. ITS JUST ME TELLING MY EXPERIENCE ABOUT MY HARRY SHOW. YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ IT IF YOU WANT TO. I saw a bunch of people doing threads and posting about how wonderful their time is and I was like I want to do it! I, in no way am trying to show off or brag about it. I just want to post it here because I’m friendly with y’all and I’ll just have the story on here for safe keeping. So ignore if you want(I put the keep reading for that) but yeah here’s my concert experience. WARNING: BELOW THE CUT IS A LONG LONG LONG POST. ENJOY THE SHAKY VIDEOS AND MY ANNOYING VOICE. This all happened one month ago ughh procrastination is the devil

I WENT TO SEE HARRY FUCKING STYLES LIVE IN CONCERT NIGHT TWO MSG AND I BLEW A KISS AT HARRY AND HE BLEW A KISS BACK.

. . .

he knows I exist.

Harry Styles knows I goddamn exist.

okay, let’s me backtrack a day or two before my concert. Actually a week, shall we?

So, it’s a week before Harry’s shows in nyc and I’m at home in Brooklyn with no harry tickets for none of the nights because of course 1. Both nights are sold out 2. I couldn’t buy tickets online from strangers cause y’all ever heard of scams? So, I’m at home in misery cause all over my twitter all my mutuals are tweeting how excited they are to go and I’m like “fUcKiNg GrEaT!” I’m pretty sure I posted shit of me gloating on here. ANYWAYS FAST FORWARD TO JUNE 21st, 2018(Harry’s first night/show at msg) and I’m on my living rooms couch on twitter. AND I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS THE UNIVERSE SAYING ‘WE GOT YOU HONEY’ or just a coincidence but the first thing i See is on my timeline is a tweet from ticketmaster saying along the lines of “Due to miscounting . . . There are tickets available for Harry Styles at msg night two . . .SALE” and I . . .i can’t even explain how I felt. It was like destiny. Like “SIS YOU WERENT MEANT TO GET TICKETS A LONG TIME AGO YOURE SUPPOSED TO GET THEM NOW. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE” and I was like “fuck it! I’m going to see my mans in concert and I couldn’t care about how shitty the seats are. It’s Harry of all people” so, I download the Ticketmaster app and ask my mom and my chill ass mom is like ‘really? The day before? This is a sign. God must really want you to see harry” and I’m like “YES”. So I use my moms card(I payed her back after) and buy the two tickets. AND LET ME JUST SAY! THE TICKETS! I GOT LUCKY WITH THE TICKETS. My tickets were seat 8 and 9, row 7, section 113

DO YALL KNOW WHERE THAT IS? THATS RIGHT NEXT TO THE STAGE! THATS THE SIDE BACK OF THE STAGE. And remember Harry’s stage is 360 honeys so I was hyped up. Honestly I thought it’s row 7, it’s not like we are in front! It’s not like he’s gonna see us. I’m bringing this up later cause well, you’ll see. But just remember I’m row 7. So I print out my tickets and I text my friends “HOES GUESS WHAT?” And I immediately text my best friend emmy(her nickname) “BISH IDGAF ABOUT YOUR STRICT PARENTS I WILL DRAG AND SNEAK YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR THIS WE AINT MISSING HARRY. WE AINT MISSING SEEING THE MAN IVE BEEN IN LOVE WIG SINCE 2012” and thank god her parents said yes. Emmy and I spent like the next two hours like “Oh let’s make a sign that’s says sing Shania Twain still the one Harry!” and we talked about “what should we do in the city tomorrow before Harry’s show?” Our show day was a very busy day for us. Ready? Let’s go!

So, in the morning I had a college orientation with Emmy and my other friend(I’m calling her Anna for privacy reasons). I arrived there early so from 9:15 am, Anna Emmy and I were learning about our college and making our schedule. We left around 12:30 pm. Emmy and I decided to leave for the city after but we had to pee first so THANK YOU ANNA FOR LIVING CLOSE TO COLLEGE AND ALLOWING US TO USE YOUR BATHROOM. GRACIAS. Oooooh, fun fact: June 22nd was also my graduation date but Emmy and I wasn’t going in the first place so YAY!

Anyways we said goodbye to Anna and we took the train to the city. We stopped at canal street and went to Greenwich village? Why? My friend Emmy is a huge fan of Justin Bieber and 5 Seconds of Summer so we were just like “fuck it! Let’s go hunting for them! Maybe today’s our lucky day” so we are in Greenwich which justin was spotted in but with our luck we couldn’t find him. We were like ‘oh well! Let’s just stroll around’ so we walk and GUESS WHICH APARTMENT BUILDING WE WERE ABOUT TO WALK PAST BY?

HARRY’S. WE WERE ABOUT TO PAST HARRYS APARTMENT. WE WERE ABOUT TO WALK WHERE HARRY WALK. IM TOO HEADASS FOR HIM(btw I don’t stalk him, I didn’t stand outside his building, his apartment address is publicly online and I did not mean to walk past his apartment, IT JUST HAPPENED) I take out my phone and tell emmy where we were and luckily I took a sneak picture low quality of the building. BUT EMMY! EMMY! She was like “I WANT A GOOD QUALITY PICTURE!” Emmy goes, takes a picture of the doors and the security guards give her a mean look from inside the building. And we are like “ABORT MISSION! ABORT!” Moving on, we’re like if we can’t find Justin, we’ll try 5 Seconds of Summer. And guess what? We can’t find them either! At this time it was like, 3 or 4 Pm? And I really need to sit down cause ya girl has no energy whatsoever. So we take the train and go to the area where msg is and we get pizza. Btw msg area is mad busy. Like really busy. Continuing, we finish our pizza. We go check out the outside of msg and I learn that we aren’t allowed in until 6 pm(I heard it from girls outside) And i’m like okay? So Emmy and I buy and get these pride flags and we go to wait and sit outside where the driveway is. So we wait there for like an hour hoping we see anyone but we don’t cause that’s out fucking luck. But we saw like a dressing bag like the ones where suit and dresses are carried in. We highly doubt it was Harry’s suit but hey? Oh and I took a picture right here

Anyways it 6, we go inside, get through scanning and while we are in line, everyone decided to airdrop one direction memes and of course I joined

We were let in at 6:45 pm and we were going to our section. By going, WE RAN. Literally we had to be stopped by a security guard to see our tickets. I’m getting off point but we get to our section and I’m expecting us to be in the middle cause it says row 7. And Emmy tells me we are in the second row and I was just like “??? Our ticket say row 7” and Emmy shows me that the section starts with row 6 and I was just like “BITCH WE’RE CLOSER THAN I THOUGHT. WE’RE ROW 2 ACTUALLY”. So we were seated between where Sarah and Adam was going to be. This was our view

Then we put our shit down, I went to get my harry merch(I got a shirt) and we sat there in our seats waiting for Kacey to start at 8:30 and KACEY IS SO CUTE YALL HAVE NO IDEA SHE IS THE YEEHAW QUEEN. I USUALLY DONT LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC BUT THIS SISTER GOT SOME TUNES. Here’s me singing along(eXcUsE my cringy premature voice I’m 19) I was going crazy during crazy

Then Kacey leaves and we gotta wait another 40 minutes for Harry. I kid you not the whole arena was singing Olivia by 1d even the security guard was shook af

As I was saying, we had to wait 40 minutes more for Harry so it was like 9:30 and FUCKING FINALLY HE COMES OUT AND I SWEAR EVERYONE LOST IT 

ONLY ANGEL STARTED TO PLAY AND EVERYONE WAS SCREAMING. HE WAS SHINING IN HIS GODDAMN CALVIN KLEIN BLUE SUIT AND ISTG I KEPT TELLING MYSELF “BLOW KISSES AT HARRY! BLOW KISSES AT HARRY” SO THIS BISH HARRY COMES TO OUR SECTION I BLOW A KISS AT HIM LIKE THIS AND IDK IF HE SAW ME BUT HE BLEW A KISS WITH HIS HAND TO OUR SECTION AND YES IT GOT CAUGHT ON FUCKING CAMERA HOES

I WAS FUCKING SHAKING. CAUSE I WAS CERTAIN DURING THE CHAIN HE BLEW A KISS BACK AND IF HE BLEW A KISS AT ME DURING ONLY ANGEL IT WOULD BE THE FIRST OF TWO my heart is racing just remembering it. I’ll continue. So he finishes only angel and he introduces himself and he’s so cute I can’t even

Then they play woman and someone threw a bra on stage and I was screaming inside

Then they play Carolina, Stockholm syndrome, Anna, esny, jalboyh and finally fucking MEDICINE. I was going crazy during medicine as we all should. Sarah and Adam were fucking ripping the song up and I couldn’t be more proud. Then Harry talked to the crowd more and THIS HOE CALLED THE BACK(aka us) HIS BEST FRIENDS AND IM JUST LIKE THANK YOU. Then they start to play meet me in the hallway and the goddamn back screen goes down, blocking us from seeing Harry perform the song. EMMY AND I KEPT SHOUTING DISRESPECT AND THE GIRLS IN FRONT OF US WERE LAUGHING. then he the screen lifted up again as he finished the song and he goes down the walk to the b stage with mitch. Mitch is so cute fam. And we could see him get a bunch of flowers and I’m like “it’s what he deserves”. So he’s on b stage now and he begins to sing sweet creature and iicf AND DURING IICF WE ALL HAD OUR FLASHLIGHTS ON IT WAS SO NICE AND LIKE HEAVEN. MY BABY HARRY STARTED TO TEAR UP DURING THE SONG AND I JUST WANTED TO HUG HIM. OOH AND WHILE THEY WERE ON B STAGE, SARAH ADAM AND CLARE WENT OFF THE MAIN STAGE. ADAM AND SARAH WERE TALKING OFF STAGE NEAR US I THINK I HAVE A VIDEO BUT ITS TOO DARK. BUT BASICALLY THEY WERE TALKING AND I GUESS IT WAS ABOUT HOW THEY WERE PLAYING CAUSE ADAM KEPT MAKING A GUITAR GESTURE AND ADAM HAD SUCH A GREAT SMILE AND SARAH WAS SO HAPPY So Harry and Mitch come back and they all play two ghosts and then wmyb 

They finish wmyb and Harry talks to the crowd. He talks to a fan who was visiting from another country and he’s like “what did you do here?!?” being all excited. Then he talks to the girl who came with “I AM WITH CHILD” sign and then we found out she lied and harry criticizes her and he’s like “WE’RE ALL TRYING!” and I couldn’t stop laughing. Emmy said she lost some brain cells during that part. So harry begins to talk about sign of the times and me and Emmy were like “let’s shout FUCK TRUMP out loud”. WE DIDNT. We didn’t have the chance to but WE TRIED. The girls in front of us were smiling and laughing at us. I blame Harry cause he kept on talking so he couldn’t hear it anyways. Anyways sign of the times plays and everyone has their flashlights on. IT WAS MAGICAL.

So harry and the band leaves to do something and I’m like “wtf u going” so I start to record and they go under the stage. I guess they were doing a photo down there but they come back on a minute later.

They perform from the dining table and I WAS SO SAD I WAS READY TO FIGHT WHOEVER HURT MY BABY. then from the dining table was over and Harry’s like “I’m gonna sing another song” AND I FUCKING TOLD EMMY “WATCH IT BE STILL THE ONE” and BITCH I WAS CORRECT. So he brings Kacey on

They start to sing still the one and I was in my emotions fam and Kacey wore the rainbow dress and I was like YES QUEEN AND THEY BOTH MADE SO MUCH EYECONTACT IT WAS SO CUTE. Then Kacey leaves and they start to play the chain and I was like HELL YEAH AND DURING THE CHAIN HARRY SAID “DAMCE LIKE NO ONE IS NEXT TO YOU. YOURE NOT GOING TO SEE THESE PEOPLE TOMORROW” AND THAT HIT ME AND EVERYONE ELSE AND I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD THE WHOLE ARENA WAS SHAKING LIKE I COULDNT EVEN STAND BECAUSE I WAS AVOUT TO FALL FROM THE AMOUNT OF JUMPING GOING ON AND THIS IS WAS WHEN HE BLEW A KISS AT ME. SO ITS LIKE THE END OF THE SONG AND HE COMES TO THE BACK AND IMMEDIATELY START TO BLOW KISSES AT HIM WITH BOTH HANDS LIKE BEFORE AND I WAS PRETTY SURE HE SAW ME BECAUSE HE BLEW A KISS WITH BOTH HANDS IN MY DIRECTION AND THEN HE DID THAT TO ALL TE OTHER SECTIONS. BITCH I WAS SHAKING.

The chain ends and they start to play kiwi and I get sad af because I know it’s the last song and harrrys like “this is the last song” and inside I’m like “I KNOW HOE DONT RUB IT IN MY FACE” I have to applaud miss Sarah jones whose fucking drumming was amazing. She fuckingkilled it. Kiwi plays and everyone was losing their shit having the times of their lives and then in the middle of kiwi some girl splashed Harry with water and he sings “YOURE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT” HE GOES STRAIGHT SAVAGE AND SOAKS HER AND EVERYONE AROUND. kiwi finishes and Harry does the whale water spit and oh my god it was ICONIC AF. Harry leaves first then the rest of the band and I was just standing there like SHIT. Emmy had to drag me out. I felt wasted after the concert IT WAS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE. LET ME JUST TELL YOU IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO SEE HARRY LIVE GO FOR IT DONT MISS YA CHANCE. A WHOLE DIFFERENT SIDE OF ME EMERGED THAT NIGHT SO THANK YOU HAROLD I HAD PROBABKY THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE THANKS TO YOU. EMMY AND I GOT TO DANCE WITH OUR PRIDE FLAGS AND WERE SO HAPPY. HARRY MAKES HIS SHOWS SO WELCOMING AND HAPPY. MISS CLARE IS SO CUTE. MITCH AND SARAH ARE SUCH PARENTS AND ADAM IS SUXH A GREAT FRIENDLY PERSON I MISS THEM SO MUCH THATS IT I MISS MY CONCERT SO MUCH I CRY

ALL PHOTO AND VIDEOS ARE CREDITED TO ME AND MY FRIENDS. DONT STEAL. I’ll post the full versions of the videos i have on my twitter. TUMBLR IS A DICK FOR ONLY ALLOWING GIFS of them. 

Btw should I also write about my 5sos iheartradio experience and seeing Harry at the Dunkirk premiere? Tell me if ya want to know byeeee

[itdisneymatter]

Day 02 - Epcot

TLDR: Epcot. A slightly later start today though a pretty full and non stop day once we began. Spaceship Earth up first, squeezed into the Ellen's Energy Adventure, then Test Track with a touch of competitive spirit. Living with the Land, Circle of Life and then Soarin’ in quick succession. Finished off with the new ride - Frozen Ever After and decided to skip out on World Showcase in favour of heading straight to Miller's Alehouse for my first proper meal of the trip. Walmart, then home, early (earlier).

The future is what you make it!

Sooo Robert had been unimpressed by the shops we had visited to far, mainly because they didn’t stock Pokemon cards. With the thunderstorms last night, we promised we visit Walmart first thing, which we did prior to picking up my Mum & Dad for Epcot. That meant skipping breakfast. Again. Picked up a wee rucksack so we could carry around all our rain jackets and little extras. Robert got his Pokemon cards and Gracie managed to find yet another collectable in the form of Hatchimal miniatures. Patrick and I had been speaking prior to the holiday about another card collection called Magic: The Gathering, but neither me nor him knew much about them. He picked up a starter pack to have a look. As someone who like his RPG and Fantasy things, I was a little intrigued. I dont think it will take Patrick long to become an expert.

Swung back around to pick up my Mum and Dad who were waiting for us at their Hotel with coffee in hand - result! The other party (which I'll cover in just a sec), were heading to Mass first and planned to catch us up at Epcot when they were done. So let me backtrack a little and explain who is actually all here as I havent yet done so and were already two days in - thats just impolite, so sorry.

Fifeteen of us in total. First off we have our wee family of five, Me, Ann, Patrick, Robert & Grace - Ive went on at length about all of us at some point in the past - yeah, you know who we are. Then its my mum and dad, Sadie & Wullie, Orlando veterans and all round great parents. My brother Michael is up next, with Sarah Jane, Corrie, Alessio and their wee baby who recently had her first birthday - Isabella. And finally we have my sister Pauline with Kevin & Emily. Both Emily and Isabella are first timers to Orlando and all things Disney, so makes it an extra special visit. Ourselves and my parents share the first car, My brother, sister and their families share the second. I'll refer to the latter as 'the other party' at times but this is entirely for brevity. Now, back to the story...

We ended up getting to Epcot around 10:30 which was right in time for our first Fast Pass - Spaceship Earth. A big slow moving train through the anals of Civilization, located in the big multi-faceted ball that Epcot is renowned for. Y'know its a fairly simple ride and I've done this it a fair few times now, but this like many others, never ceases to amaze me. If you've ever seen Inside Out, I imagine this whole place to be a core memory and have its own wee island somewhere in the depths of my brain, churning out little orbs of Joy. If you haven't seen Inside Out, then all of what I've just said will sound really really weird, but trust me - go watch it. Good start to the day!

Hey You Guys! 

Next we checked out Test Track but it was down for some unknown reason, so grabbed some coffee and pastries will we waited for the other party (that being, oh wait right we did that already, didn't we?). By the wonders of Whatsapp and Feel at Home from Three (shameless plug), Kev let us know that they'd arrived and we arranged to met them back at the entrance. We'd coordinated our t-shirts today, those being our new Celtic Champions 6-in-a-row tee :) which made it real easy to spot them. On the subject of attire, zipped pockets - how amazing are they? I know I sound like I'm getting old, but they're definitely the way to go if you're on holiday!

Ann really hurt her eye over the course of the morning and it was progressively getting worse as time went on. I suggested that she patch over her eye to give it a rest, however this led me to call her One Eyed Willie, which didnt go down to well, so stopped in fear of my life (or having to walk the plank - right, sorry Ann, that was the last one, promise ;) x )

Next we headed to Ellen's Energy Adventure, a big moving cinema all about th wonders of energy hosted by the hilarious Ellen DeGeneres & Bill Nye, the science guy. Funny as well as factual too, couldnt go wrong.

Now came Test track, a ride where family loyalty went out the window as we went head to head to design the most efficient car. Super fast, fun ride and good to see the competitive spirit from everyone - even Gracie was doing a little trash talking (well she was in my team, otherwise I wouldn't have encouraged it ; ). In the end, we failed to hit top spot, but our car was easily the best looking one out the lot (all designed by my lovely co-pilot Gracie).

Scores on the doors were as follows:

Ann, Kevin & Pauline - 208 Michael, SJ & Emily- 205 Me, Dad & Grace - 204 Patrick, Robert & Corrie - 156 (who intially claimed 226 - what a bunch 'a chancers!)

All  in all great fun and everyone loved it (especially Gracie who wanted go back on it straight away).

Living With The Land Fast Pass (on the other side of the park) up next, which we made it with 5 minutes to spare. Nice boat ride about farming and such (seriously) with Patrick even enquiring about the Behind The Scenes tour (or Behind The Seeds as they called it) - he just loves learning new things! He also managed to spot 2 hidden Mickeys on the ride (thats disguised Mickey symbols all over the Disney parks) -  so well done PG!

Quick stop at The Circle Of life, a wee environmental film featuring The Lion King's Simba, Timon & Pumba, which began with the song of the same name. That song gives me goosebumps every single time! *shudder*

After that was Soarin', which we had passes for, but everyone wanted to ride so meant we had to split up into two groups, one to watch Isabella while the other went on the ride. While we were waiting to ride (with views of an cool looking India Jones-esque style journey being mapped out on the screen before us), Robert asked the attendant out of the blue if we could get in the first row - good ole Ro! :)

This ride was Epic - its the only word to describe it. Flying through the air, over different landmarks of the world aking in hugs vistas, they even had different smells. Everyone loved it and even my Dad rearked it was the best ride yet as we walked off the ride.

Do you wanna build a snowman?

During the wait and switch-over of groups we came to the decision that the five of us and my mum and dad would head home after the last ride and try getting a proper bite to eat when it was a little quieter, whilst, Pauline, Michael & Co would remain in the park and finish off the remaining rides.

So onward it was to Frozen Ever After, Epcot's newest ride based on the extremely popular Disney movie and set in Norway (well Epcot's mini representation of Norway on their World Showcase). On our way, we bumped into Pluto (the dog, not the planet-oid-y thing), so used the opportunity to grab our first character autograph! Kids were really excited! There was a Disney Photo-pass photographer there too so managed to get some nice groups shots (except for ours, so had to use one of my own photos here as a backup).

The ride was a great little boat trip through the Kingdom of Arendelle with Anna and Elsa (who is my favourite princess without red hair, ok ok, she isnt really a princess, yeah I know, but still). Even the Snow-gies made an appearance! And with the ride came another ride photo from the Memory Maker - excellent! :D The kids loved it and Emily was skipping out of the ride singing Let It Go at the top of her voice! :)

So we said our goodbyes and left the other party then, who planned to continue their travels around the World Showcase and possibly grab Spaceship Earth, which they missed, on the way out. The World Showcase is an awesome thing, but I think the allure of a hearty meal after a long day was far too tempting for us.

We headed straight to Miller's Alehouse from the park in an attempt to avoid the queues and wait times... which we did! However once we were seated and after a quick scan of the menu - the Snow Crab that Gracie had set her heart on to share with me was no longer on the menu - she was more gutted than me! :( In its place I opted for a nice wee Flat Iron Steak & Coconut Shrimp combo, which was awesome. Grace and Ann chose to share the 35 Shrimp menu item (which was 35 shrimps funnily enough) and Grace inhaled about 18 of them. Man, that girl loves her seafood! The Nacho starter that Ann thought she might need however was an absolute mountain and in the end, defeated all of us (its really big enough for two peeps to share as a main meal if Im being honest). The food and menu options in the place are second to none so were definitely planning a return visit in the next few days with our entire group!

A second trip to Walmart rounded off the day in order that we could take a slightly more relaxed look at what they had to offer. The last time I was here I picked up some amazing Cinnamon Pecan coffee, but alas they appeared to no longer stock it or any equivalent. The boys picked up more trading cards, Grace picked up more Hatchimals and we got a variety of non-essential items including a Star Wars decal for the car, a Pecan pie (obviously I have a thing for Pecans) and some Harley Quinn Comics (and I have a thing for her too ; ). Had a look at the laptops too, which were ridiculously cheap, so toying with the idea of picking one up, but Ill need to do some in-depth investigations first.

Rest day on the cards for tomorrow with shopping planned in the am, so should a relatively quiet one. I'm kinda looking forward to it in all honesty, following the two successful but extremely packed days we've all had.

[thebourbontruth]

Whiskey Zoo, what's a brand to do?

I’ve said this before in other posts (especially the post on Bookers Rye paying $300), Im not a fan of higher prices, who would be? BUT, at the same time I’ve always felt I would be fair on both sides and say it as it is. The current whiskey climate is fickle. A good quality AND available Barrel Proof bottle can be counted on one hand. Really folks, it can! There are just a few ways a brand can adjust to what’s going on. First–reduce quality (maybe by putting your barrels that would normally go into lesser brands) into your more expensive and better brands. Second, you can and get younger in addition to/or instead of the first. Either option isn’t good. Third, just go with a shortage solution keeping them sporadically on the shelf, risking losing shelf territory, and now, have the store artificially raise the price on their own anyway.

Lastly, you can throw yourself under the bus knowing that it won’t hurt much (if at all) and raise prices. You’ll come out better then when the prices were lower. That is until the glut hits in a few years. This last option is where I see the new Bookers pricing at $100 at even though you can still find it in many places still at $50 and certainly under $60. If a brand made $20 on a $60 bottle they make maybe $40-$50 on $100 one. Even if sales are down making 2x-3x the money makes up lots for any sales decrease and has got to improve the overall profit. Bookers was the first of the Beam Small Batch collection started in the early 1990’s. It sort of started it all. Blanton’s came along and it all went from there. Beam is no stranger to the experiments in price and barrels having done the Distillers Masterpiece Bourbon with a Cognac and then Port finish Barrel (around 18 and 16 years ago) for $200. For about 12 years it seemed like a white elephant failure but now they are selling on the secondary market for $1000. It now seems they might have just been a sign of things to come. The chicken and egg argument can be made if price drives what’s going on or is it true/implied rarity. In either case, just 5 years ago $100 bottles was acceptably unheard of except for Pappy. $100 now barely brings pause if not being the actual buying trigger to many.

As a bit of late breaking news as I post this it’s reported Beam back tracked to a Bookers increase of $70-80-ish now that shelves stock is depleted. Not sure what to think on that now. http://www.fredminnick.com/2017/01/02/beam-suntory-backtracks-bookers-pricing/

I’ve been saying for a long time that Beam’s Small Batch collection’s been ignorantly under marketed but it seems like they’ve caught on. This leads me to if Beam’s Old Grand Dad 114 is going away. I say that from paying attention, the rumors, and usual empty shelf slots where it used. There’s a real good chance it is. The only high Rye bourbon brands of Beam are Basil Hayden (he’s the inspiration on the Old Grand Dad Label and the actual “Old Grand Dad”). High Rye is cool and hot right now. Elmer T. Lee (made by Buffalo Trace) is another example of a favorite that’s gotten harder to find. I’ve noticed lots of movement in the marketing of the sleepy Basil Hayden line. Where does the excess supply come from as they sell more of the relatively the same juice watered down from 114 to 80 Proof? Maybe it doesn’t go away in the manner that Weller 12 year, now a shelf ghost, comes out in tiny releases a couple times a year. Maybe it doesn’t go away like Old Fitzgerald and only released in a few states. In both cases Sazerac uses the Weller for Pappy, the Antique Collection WLW and Heaven Hill uses the Old Fitzgerald for the Larceny line and its distribution expansion. I asked Beam about Old Grand Dad 114 Proof going away. They wouldn’t say it was or not and under discussion. I pointed out if the item was ordered by a store and told there wasn’t any, it was gone. They had no answer for it being unavailable and out of stock now. They also would not confirm it was going to be used for increasing the Basil Hayden Brand. Chuck Cowdery says its “official”. I remember this article from three a bit over two years ago. http://whiskyadvocate.com/2014/04/18/burning-down-the-rumor-mill/ Tough to believe anything now.

This trend in the industry is clear to me. It started in 2012 when Heaven Hill pulled the $30-$40 Elijah Craig 18 year due to shortage only for it to reemerge a couple years latter at 3x that price as a Limited Edition. I asked Beam if Old Grand Dad would be released at a high proof again as a rebranded ultra premium. As expected, I was told it was possible as it is for anything but they don’t comment on such things. I asked what percentage of overall Beam Bourbon production was of the limited High Rye Mashbill (used by only OGD and Basil) but they were tight lipped.

I wondered if they caught wind of the current resurgence of the older National Distillers Frankfort Kentucky bottles. Its common to see a 1960’s-1970’s bottle (that sold for $5 when released) on the secondary market a couple years ago for $200 now at $800. This is mainly the Bottled in Bond but still, from something no one cared about a couple years ago to jump to $800 a bottle? I have to wonder if Beam is that smart and pay that close of attention to see the value and resurgence of the brand? I happen to know the story of where this seemingly started. A very well-known chef was at his good friends restaurant when they pulled a sealed bottle of 1970s Old Granddad bottled in Bond (OGD BiB) from the shelf and started drinking it. It blew their minds and at that point the chef started to buy every possible bottle he could popping up on the secondary market. Prices have since gone through the roof where they have stayed. This was about a year ago and I have a hard time believing in such coincidences.

There is no doubt in my mind we will be seeing a High Rye Mashbill Ultra Premium regular or limited version in the near future for much much more. They did it for Bookers at $100 and and the formally none existent Bookers Rye at $300. Its logical something “special” or “limited” with the Old Grand Dad or Bookers High Rye Bourbon moniker and a $300 price tag can be far away. Will I buy the regular Bookers at $100 a bottle? I’m not sure, but a lot of people will buy it now that might not have before. As crazy as it sounds, it becomes more attractive at a higher price. I recently spent about an hour in a very popular liquor store in their whiskey aisle and droves of people (that had no clue what they were doing) wanted to buy gifts for people. I didn’t work at the store but helped lots of people and very few we’re going for a low price for gifts, most were going for something closer to $100. When you consider that Whistle Pig, some Jefferson and many others are approaching the hundred dollar range, paying that for a Bookers suddenly becomes an option and reality. Consider at $100, people still don’t know for sure where the Pig, Jefferson and 10 year Chatham (aka Michters) is coming from. With the Bookers you know where it’s coming from, what you’re getting, and that it’s a high-quality solid product that you won’t be embarrassed to buy or gift. It’s also a genius move to raise the price now and clear the shelves before the end of the year especially during gift giving time. Then having large orders come in at a higher price after the new year ain’t dumb. Blanton’s has been running short also and the very popular Straight From the Barrel version at Barrel Proof is import only. I can easily see it at about a current USD equivalent of $80 be brought Barrel Proof to the USA at $150 and sell very well. ABV goes up 10% and potentially can double in price. No brainer right? Nice way for Age International (that owns this High Rye mashbill brand) to do what was done with Bookers’s. The similarity in the two can’t be lost on Beam or Age International (aka Takara Holdings) as they are both Japanese companies owning very similar Bourbon Brands.

One last thing that I find very interesting. Unless you’re on an in-depth tour of Beam your not likely to know they change distillation for specific brands. As far as I know, they are the only major distillery doing this. This means that when they make the mash and it’s distilled, stills are specifically adjusted for a brand such as Bookers. Unlike other brands, its not distilled then proofed down (water added) going in the barrel but rather comes off right from the still and in the barrel at the same 125 proof. “Barrel Proof” isn’t when it goes in, its when it comes out. Beam thinks this is a big advantage over other brands. It then goes into a barrel that is stamped “Bookers” and it’s stored/treated as a Bookers until bottled. For this reason, it’s much easier to control the quality and that the quality was designed into the product from the very beginning. This process is opposed to taking something like Buffalo Trace’s regular Wheated Mashbill and designating it as Van Winkle or WLW Antique Collection (as supply demands after the fact). All things aren’t this rosy at Beam however. Even with the special treatment, Bookers reuses around 40% of their mash in the next batch (Back set, Sour Mash) considerably higher than other distilleries. With only around 60% new grain I wonder how good it could be if Bookers used only a typical of around 20 % old Mash. This used 40% is inclusive of all Beam Bourbon brands. How would your coffee taste with 40% vs 20% of the grounds reused? We shall see what happens in 2017 but it’s going to cost us folks, I hope we get more for our money than just the price increases smacking our wallets.

[astraltraveller]

not an end to all the endings.

so i guess the last time i made a post about this, it was late aug ish. early sept maybe. i remember being crushed after. i remember feeling used because rarely does a guy want to have sex with me and not want to date or try someting. especially when the guy seems like a good guy. and i remember so fondly of the hope that surged the night of. when i got that apology msg and actually felt like maybe there was something there. my heart lept. it surged. it was a rushing and hopeful feeling, the feeling I had rarely exdperieneced from my history of being with someone who didn’t nkow hwo to appreciate me or apologize for their mistakes. itw as such a breath of fresh air and deep down inside i had a feeling that he was going to do a 180. i din’t think he would ask me out to date me, but i knew it would be at least asking for a second chance. and a second chance it was. i remember not expecting to go to a nice place at all. i remember walking agood 15 min to a nice, hipster, refreshing, new start place. I wanted to say that iwanted to go back ot that time but i dont know if i really do. I dont know if anything will change.i rmember tryign ot put off the conversation because i knew what was coming and my heart was saying this is it and my head was saying this is too good to be true. And i had just finished being hurt, i didn’t think there would be a second call. I just didn’t want to deal. When it finally poured out what was really up, intnerally i was jumping for joy because it was even better than waking up from a bad dream. It was as if you turned back time and could change it all. Coming out of a bad dream means just that. It doesnèt affect what actually hpapens. Fror me on that day, something actually changed. Iwas happy. I was grateful. I never felt that way before about a guy being so forward with an apology. it felt so nice. it felt so mature. for a while i believed this was something different. it was like a fresh start. I felt hopeful, I felt liked. I felt like someone made a mistake and was trying to get me back. it was like with soumil but … more raw. without such a big long mistake. it was a short pinch, an injection with an old school vaccine. rough and hard but it’s so fast it really barely has time to make a lasting impression. it doesn’t leave longing. it leaves soreness that feels good, that feels like life experience.it was thrilling. i remember it was suhc a heart to heart. i was quite happy in that moment ot hear, even indirectly, that this person had in fact not meant what they said, that they actually would consider dating me, and that they made a grievous mistake, grievous enough to backtrack and fix it right away. to swallow one’s pride.

I did find it strange shortly after that there was some distance. there was chatting, but i recall it as not quite on the same wavelength. they didn’t show up often. it wasn’t reliable. i would later find out that it was a tooth infection, being sick, and being busy.

bad liars always lie.

I believed him though. i believed it because those things happened. i lamented to amit about it. hwo annoyed i was. how at the coffee shop he had suggested going for lunches and then going to drinks. (never dinner, oddly). to which i always said yes. was always thrilled. was on the defense and never offered first because i had jsut been hurt and was cautious. even initiating of messages was liek that. i was playing this weird game wherei would avoid talking last because i noticed he would always type a message after. i woud also rarely initiate, a what’s up, etc. pictures became less frequent.

a side note. i will talk about this more later but i actually spent most of my train ride today pondering why things ahd changed. wondered if is houd say something. not sure waht to say, so i scrollled through all the messages from the beginning. realize that he talked on an almost daily basis. lots of talking points. long messages. lots of pictures. i don’t know where that went. if anything, wouldn’t your interest be piqued and you feel more comfortale sending them later?  iremember when i went to visit mill in canaidan thanksgiving. i remember awaiting messages. i even played the mute game because i ddint want to know. evenutally i got a reply ot a picture i sent pretty promptly but i didnt ralize til a day later. i was internally a little devastated because i remember that during my interview trip, he had messaged a lot, not only to check in on how i was, but also to send pictures. liek the blender bottle. and stuff from the cottage. and i don’t know why i epxected that to happen again. but even by then things had changed. this was after the coffee. i was thinking to myself, what did i do wrong? where is this clarity? i knew deep down my gut instinct to message him and send one of the few tumblr drafts i had just didn’t come off right. it evolved from

I don’t want to be saying this because you don’t owe me an explanation, but I think it should be noted that the way you’ve been treating me has really been

I didn’t want to say this, but I think it needs to be said because it’s just straight up not respectful.

did i say something wrong? I feel you’ve been quite shunning lately and I’d appreciate if you were more straightforward. i feel really confuse and it’s making me a little uncomfortable

did I say something wrong? I feel shunned and it’s confusing

it doesn’t feel straightforward

did i say or do something wrong? based on how conversational you’ve been, I don’t think I need to tell you why I’m asking

did I say or do something wrong?

I was looking relaly intnetly at the messages to see when mine had been seen. i knew something was up when i looked and saw that he was active and just didn’t view it. and then he saw it, almost an hour later. and that was 10 min after i opened to check. my heart sank. i messed up didn’t I? I said that I do’nt like excuses. but it was prefaced by omething he brought up. and i didn’t talk about his exucses lately. but what i really wanted to say was, care to explain? the day after the hotel, you saw i sent snapchats but didn’t open them for hours. finally oepened it to send a message. nice, but short. a couple of smileys. i then sent a text reply. unread for 4 hours but was active on fb. then i sent a video which got seen quickly. then a reply iwthin 10 min. then i knew by then that the shunning was on so i decided not to engage fully. no smileys, short. no furahter conversation.

with each iteration, I projected less and less blame. partially becuase it sounded caustic. partially because i didn’t think itw asrigiht. mainly because he’s leaving to the new office probably by next week. did i want to leave my last imrpession, with no smeblance of possibly hanging out, as an awkward, hanging-in-the-air immaturity, act of pointing fingers, blamingand blaming, the same way as i had done shortly after the coffee confession (when I said i went too easy on him) and after I scalded him for being a flake? was that the impressi on ireally wanted to leave? any possibility of spending time would be nill. and we’d never see each other by necessity.

i didn’t want to take a shower and give it a thoguht. i wanted to press enter and be done with it. i wanted to tell myself that maybe he would message. maybe he would fall asleep arleady and he just wouldnt see it and id have to stare my message in the face knowing that i couldnt change it. becuase he wouldn’t reply ot it right away. iknow this from experience.

but i did. i took a shower and really thought about it. it became, very quickly, “did i say or do something wrong?” because this was short, curt, a genuine question, not salty, not inflammatory, and not incendiary. it was a genuine short question.he would either answer yes or no.

and then it hit me while i thought about it. do i need to send this message? what will i learn from this that i don’t already know? nothing. i already know everything i need to know. i was just trying not to face it. hojin told me. and it makes perfect sense. if you like a girl, you don’t play gamees like that. and you certainly don’t backtrack 100% and go from snapchatting how im doing and dinners and food and leading to naughtier talk and quick responses to how im feeling, to not sending a single picture except a certificate. to taking 8 hours to open a snap. to open. messages. that takes a special kind of potential to use. it’s the kind where all you just want is to get laid. to satsify the curiosity that i probably had sown by sending my vibes. and a freaking snap story wit hthe blue one. i’ll awlays wonder if that woudl have happened if i had just not sent those. would there still be more of that excitement, that ambiguity? did i give it away too early?

I really enjoyed the time in the hotel. i really enjoyed that night. i was really, much like myself when i had the coffee that time. i was so thrilled that he wanted to have dinner with me and offered the whole takeout thing. it was relaly sweet. he was kind. and oh was he horny. i mean we ate for an hour and talked and … and oddly enough, after the sex iteslf it was so… almost relationship like. it was strange. it was … intimate? i remember things that i won’t say in detail, but esentially the fingering at the movies, the asian pr0n, wanting to fuck me since we really started talking,the kissing at the end as if he couldn’t get enough. and me, in a daze… “see you on monday”.

what was i really thinking? i was giddy. i did notice as well, there was no messaging when he got home or i did. not even a simple one. to ask if i had gotten home safe would be silly, i didn’t leave. but was that not his role? wouldn’t it have been strange of me and extra clingy and oxytocin-highed  to ask if he was home safe?

perhaps it would have been. and perhaps i should be glad i didn’t. i was surprsied to see that i didn’t get any messages from him after my lsat. he didn’t owe me any. but i just didn’t expect that. i thought, surely if he was so intent on having dinner, snapchatting so often, messaging, heavliy flirting.. saying that he should have kissed me the time penney gilbert came by… all the while (not drunk)... surely.. a message? a good luck? a “i hope it’s going well”. nothing relatoinship-y. i mean, clearly i didnt need to say that because i was writing a test taht started well early in the moring, which is why i was in the hotel in the first place. and i didn’t finish till 1. at which point i promptly snapped a picture. and i walked with baited breath and worked half-aware, waiting for that vibrate. waiting that maybe there would be some interest in me, in my work, in my day, in hearing from me. but there was none. not till much, much later taht day. so late in fact, that it was 11pm on saturday night and i was pissed enough t odecide not to open it and wait till morning. i was pretty devastated. had it all crumbled so fast? what did i last tell him before i left? “how is this different from last time?” “because if i didnt have to go, i would stay”. oh really? says who?

I was hurt, yea. I didn’t think that i fell off the radar of being important so quickly. it went from me being “slow” replying in 15min, to him taking 5-8 hours while during awake hours and being clearly active elsewhere.

I chalked it up to being busy. I didn’t want to be insecure. but there was something inside of me that was realizing i was being shunned. it hurt. it was so drastic it was so.. fast. it was so soon. it was so ruthless. it was so deliberate. it was so uncalculated. it was done so easily, like it was clearly his only choice. “why would i do anything else?” it’s like the coffee conversation never happened. it was like the no-words version of “what are we?” “i’m not ready to date”. i thought things were different. not that i expected to date, no that i expected any dramatic proposal… but .. never did i think i’d be shunned. it’s like i got whipped around really quickly and was scrambling for the first explanation.

but when you’re in defense and cautious, you don’t think of pragmatic solutions. you think of comfortable solutions. you think back to the first time we went out after i mentioned how this was a shitty situation. we went to duke’s refresher and bar and it was a good time. we talked about everything, but specifically about christmas market. it was really nice. i had a great time. that’s what makes all this so jarring. i know this is the case because i messaged him first for the snapchat on sat, the vid on sun. and then the facebook link about russia being outted from peyonghcnag on tue,then wendesday about meetings on wednesday. it’s clear. i think i was in denial. and it really didn’t truly hit me until about an hour ago. it was when i raelized, that usuually after good sex and a good connection, i like to replay the situation in my head. i only had one chance to do that while still giddy and no semblance of a change was present. and taht was the 4am morning i woke up on the morning of lsat. i couldn’t sleep after and i rmeember lying between those king bed sheets and thinking that i was so lucky and happy. on the bus ride home, i was tired. i was sad. i didn’t get any messages back. they weren’t even opened, which somehow hurt even more. i didn’t masturbate since that night. I just don’t feel it. it doesn’t make me horny. it makes me sad. it makes me horny only when i feel that the enjoyment is reciprocated, that we’re both equally giddy and excited about what went down. i couldn’t do it though. I haven’t been feeling it. because i know that something didn’t sit right. it didnt’ feel like last week, or any week before that. conversations were short, blunt, cut off by other people without returning, and nothing was initiated.

i think this is the beginning of the end.

it make me sad because we went on proper dates. we went to the christmas market, which was a great time. it’s a romantic, couply place. i like looking at it on instagram, other peple posting pictures fromit, becuase it’s so sweet. Ifeel like part of me won’t be able to handle christmas markets the same. it feels like a sham. i felt something, i felt wanted, enjoyed, shown around, in a pretty romantic, couply, festive, really one of a kind environment. ther’s really nothing like it. the crowds suck but i had lots of laughs , like when i took some poor pictures for some people in front of the christmas tree. like when there was a light tunnel with a heart at the end of it that we were awkwardly dodging. like when we had mulled wine, hot choclate, cider. like when we had a nice walk there and back. and while i write this i just cant help but think, did i do something wrong?

the dinner, c’est what. it was nice. good chats and it turned a turn as usual. blew off other skype calls for me. it was nice one on one time. time just flew by. i really liked it. we chatted about everything. like always. i like talking to him. i like his humor. he said he liked me, and he still does. and i gave him a second chance. and i gave in. and we did it. and this is what i get? i really don’t feel like i deserve this. but what  can i say?i don’t have to ask what it means. i know what it means. it’s just that up to an hour ago, i didn’t really want to admit it.

coudl i ahve not been salty about excuses? maybe. but i didnt say that to him. it was pretty benign. maybe he just really didn’t have anything to say. i mean, when he mentoined the coffee thing, i already said that that was really nice of him and i appreciated it. but i think it was a nice way of me mentioning that i know what’s up. he wan’st oblivious. i also could have done a “oh no questions, it was easy :D” and asked what he was up to… but let’s be honest. what did i just go over? i’ve been shunned. was i gonna play dumb and act like none of that ever happened? it bothered me. ti’s been bothering me since i looked at my phone on saturday… and was genuinely surprised. taken aback. didn’t expect that in a milloin years. nothing. and nothing on monday.

sometimes i get twinges of , “ should i have said something?” but i realize the only thing I’d be showing is that I can be petty, that i complain. actions speak louder than words. there is no explanation that would do his choice of actions justice. it’s self-explanatory. it’s not an accident what he chose to do. its clear that i knew what was going on. i was not oblivious. “I don’t like excuses”. in fact, to drive that home, I made the right decision to not say a thing. because im not interested in hearing what excuse there may be. i also don’t really need an explanation for whether or not i said or did something wrong. what would it tell me? maybe it’d tell me if I actually did somthing wrong (and the shunning was really self-inflicted), or if not, it was a change of heart on his end. but me wanting to hear from him was less of trying to get an answer to my question, but rather to get a response. to let him know that i know what’s up. but it’s already evident. I said I don’t like excuses. and really my actions in the next while will say more than i think. I won’t be as smiley, I’ll be friendly but guarded. I get it. he’s just not that into me. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

I’ve been counting in my head, the presence or absence of him, by the days of the week so carefully in the back of my head, every week. especially those since starting in september.

my days became marked by whether or not i saw him. what we talked about. did he come visit? did we chat? not even just if we flirted, but if he dropped by. for how long? were we alone?

i feel like i’m mourning. i’m mourning because there’s a beautiful office down the hall that’s almost done, that’s almost able to be moved into, december 12. that’s next week. he said another thing , that it’d be nice to come and visit. im scared. i’m scared that after that, there’s no reason to catch up, there’s no reason to chat, there’s no reason to check me out or pass by each other, or to get coffee… there’s no reason. different rooms with keys that don’t work. down the hall but yet barred apart. ther’es just no reason. talking ot him now is like pulling teeth. granted, him asking me to drinks and things was done over messaging, but we’re going to become those sort of people… that sort of friendship where you check in once every 2.5 months to ask how life is. and that makes me sad. because that can happen as soon as 5 days from now.

we talked about something on the 11th. his mom’s going to costa rica. that was the plan, to go to his place, to essentially have sex. you know, wiht privacy and stuff. but that requires an invitation. and i was trying to warm up to it by initiating messages. even though he’d try to chat in person… it would quicly become something else. something...clinical. something that woudl be interrupted. my excuse comment would ahve just been maybe, something he just didnt have a response to. wouldnt’ be the same time. but if the week goes as it already has been since last saturday, there will be no meetup next week. which is ok. i am not really sure i want to have sex. im not in the mood as of now. I’m really not dying to. what i want more than anything is a chance to talk without talking about the possibiility of a relatoinship, just to talk about what has been. he did say we could hang out before then, but that was, of course, while he was horny.

and thisis minor, but him playing dumb at me reutrningthings at eaton center was a little jarring. he’s not an idiot. he knows what i was returning. and he acted like he didn’t want to say a single thing about it. or bring it up. it’s like it’s being suppressed already. and i dont get it. you don’t have to love me. i don’t love you. but are you sure you’re not using me? this hurts.

[survivorarabia]

EPISODE 9 “"Welcome to Survivor: Arabia Where Everyone's Super Paranoid" - Ruthie

Ruthie

I take back every negative thing I've said about Emmott, Aren and Issy I AM LIVING!  OH MY GOD, BYE JAY!  I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW I AM ABOUT TO PEE MY PANTS, MY FOUR ARE SAFE AND I'VE NEVER FELT SO GOOD AND NICOLE WILL BE BACK SOON AND THIS IS THE FUCKING LIFE RIGHT HERE! <3 

Ci’ere

“Lord. Jesus. Hallelujah. So, Jay and I were blindsided last tribal council and for a second there I thought I was actually being voted out. It ended up tying between us and everyone was telling me that I wasn’t the target. Aren, Emmott and Issy decided to flip because Jay was too much of a threat to them apparently. No one informed me about this plan and I even told Aren earlier that I would have done it, but it was too soon to make that move. All it did was give the other side power and puts us 4 in the minority, that is unless they already made deals with old Khiana. I may be at the bottom but I still have a lot of fight left in me and I’m going to do everything in my power to make it through this round. I told them all that I’m playing as a free agent now because obviously no one has my back.”

Richie

IM NEVER LISTENING TO MY SUPEREGO AGAIN!!!!! the plan was that issy/emmott/aren were voting for jay and then alex/lena/ruthie wanted to vote for ciere just in case one of them were lying and the inner me was like GO ROGUE VOTE FOR JAY BE A MESSY BITCH TAKE THIS SHOT AT JAY!!!!!!!! but then i was like hm.... maybe i should be a good alliance member bc even if my gut is right i dont want my alliance to realize how crazy i am because they might want to take me out for being unreliable (which would be smart bc im fucking CRACKED but i dont want them to know how cracked just yet) so i was like fiiiiiine i'll vote ciere BUT THEN JAY GETS RID OF ALEX'S VOTE AND ITS A 3-3 TIE AND IF I HAD JUST VOTED FOR JAY LIKE MY INNER BITCH WANTED TO I WOULDNT HAVE TO BACKTRACK AND EXPLAIN TO ISSY/EMMOTT/AREN WHY I DIDNT VOTE FOR JAY LIKE I SAID I WOULD AND JAY WOULD BE GONE WITHOUT THE REVOTE UGHHHHHHH.......... literally when will the world realize that im always right and stop making me doubt my true powers???? 

Jay

I'm fucked.

Ci’ere

“Oh and if you’re reading this Lena, I’m sorry about what I said for your vote asdfghjkl; I honestly don’t think you’re of use to my game though and that is the reason why I was okay with voting you out. Plus, I’m kind of jelly you got Kelley Wentworth as your icon. :<”

Alex

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING

JAY'S VOTE NULLIFER IS GONNA TAKE HIM OUT OF THE GAME

AHAHAHAHAH THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE

I CAN'T STOP BREAKING INTO SONG, I'M FILLED WITH SUCH GLEE

That plan worked....perfectly.  And yes, Richie gets to “I told you so!” me forever, but, like, fine.  I'll take that!  Because Jay's gonna be the second juror, and for the first time in this game, I feel comfortable in my position oh gods I'm going out next aren't I

Julia

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH MY JAY YOU FUCKERS HE IS MENT TO AVENGE ME!! AND CIERE TOO1?!?! MAN MAN OH MAN   SLAY THE BEAST SLAY THE BEAST!!!!

Ci’ere

“I feel absolutely alone, as if it’s truly Ci’ere against the world right now. I have tried talking to everyone, but they’re not giving me anything to work with and I feel like I’m still the target. I flopped very hard in the challenge and I’m basically just a sitting duck at this point. I’m not really sure what to say anymore because whenever I try speaking they subtly shut me down. Why wouldn’t you use me, someone with no allies, to make a big move? Alex lost the challenge so why isn’t he being targeted? I’m going to try to get them to make a move. They’re all having a holly jolly time and I’m a snake ready to slither my way through the cracks. I’m not going to give up.”

Alex

Aren

MWAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! PISS OFF JAY!!! AND THE BEAUTY OF THAT TRIBAL? I WAS THE PERSON THAT ORCHESTRATED THAT WHOLE BOOT! IT WAS ALL ME! THE REASON JAY'S ASS IS SITTING IN PONDY AND MY BOOTY IS STILL IN THIS GAME IS BECAUSE I'M A SMART-BOOTY AND HE'S A DUMB-ASS. LOL K, so, the world's my oyster now -- I'm in the majority, we're gonna send Ci'ere ass home next, then I'm gonna try to make a move on big boi Alex from there. I'm really enjoying this game that I'm playing. I'm going completely CHAOTIC, and I'm lovin' it. I'm just doing whatever the fuck I want, no matter how self-destructive my moves might appear. I'm not here to play the best game (although I am doing that too), I'm just here to reek havoc on these sons-of-bitches that I'm playing with and to shake this bitch of a game up to a whole new level, like a milkshake! Now it's time to dominate immunity and get this done with. 

Ruthie

So, today was an interesting day.  It started the same way most days do out here on the Island, and okay, just let me get to everything.  Alex and I talk everyday, we get each other and I trust him as much as I can trust anyone and I really think he trusts me that way too.  In Survivor World we're pretty much married, his thoughts are my thoughts and visa versa.  This morning I didn't start out with a "Hey, Good morning!" Or anything even remotely polite, instead I started out with... "This is going to sound super bitchy and may not be the best move with Richie/Lena but I definitely want to take you if I win [the step immunity challenge] and my second will be Nicole since she used an idol on me. I have no idea how many we get to take though.  Is that completely dumb?"   Then Alex stated in reply.  "I was actually gonna suggest exactly the opposite, I would rather you NOT take me and vice versa. If I get the clue I'll tell you & vice versa so I'd rather we try & win points with the people we trust a bit less, personally. Nicole is a fine choice though, I agree with that." That sparked a little something in my brain.  I really want to get to the end with Nicole and Alex but I'm not sure how much they actually trust one another, so then my brain had an excellent thought and of course, I told Alex.  "THAT IS PERFECT! I may try to take Nicole/Lena and tell them one on one I want an all girls alliance or something." I could tell that he thought this was a good idea.  It distanced us and would keep us both safe for weeks to come.  His exact reply was, "Fuckin' do it girl."  He also had some eggs to cook today in the form of Richie and whoever else, I honestly have no idea who he's going to talk to or form something with but I know he has me and I got him!   As the day went on I went about my business but then decided, hey, maybe I should go ahead and try to get something cooking BEFORE we get the results in the event that I win, then I can take Nicole and Lena if I get to take 2 or more people with me on reward.  So I decided to send a message to Lena, probably the sweetest person on the entire tribe.  "Leeeeena, I kind of have an idea and please tell me if it's dumb or whatever, I've been thinking about it and I want your opinion on it." Lena replied a few moments later saying, "Hey! What's going on?" Then I launched into my story about wanting to start a side alliance with her and Nicole and maybe Issy and I admit, I felt nervous that she was going to go back to Richie and Alex and tell them something but THANKFULLY she did not.  She was totally down because she thought that Nicole seemed super loyal.  I asked if she wanted to include Issy and she wasn't sure, so I agreed that it probably wasn't our best move right now and that I trusted the two of them way more than I did Issy... which I do.   Then I went to Nicole and she was so up for it so fast and agreed although I think she was in the middle of her Immunity Challenge, so whew, I feel so accomplished today.  Anyway, I told Alex about my new alliance and I think that this is a GREAT move for the two of us as we try to dwindle down everyone else. <3 He also told Aren that he doesn't want to go to the end with me, so we'll see when or if Aren tells me anything... dun dun dunnnnnn.  I once again LOVE where I'm sitting! 

Ci’ere

“I literally ask the OG Fawz alliance if we can stick together for this vote because there have been glimmers of hope throughout the day and maybe we can pull something off. Apparently Richie was on the verge of wanting to flip, Alex and Ruthie want each other out, and Emmott mentions Nicole doesn’t hate me lol. Issy was the only person to actually talk to me today and she disagreed with the Jay move that Aren and Emmott pulled. She kept it real with me and said that it seemed like no one wanted to make a move and I definitely respect her for telling me this. Ruthie and Nicole tell me they’re gonna vote for Issy and while I don’t think they’re telling the truth, I don’t have very many options so I’m just gonna go with that.”

Lena

so.... i got the idol..... I'm shaking. I cannot believe this. I haven't told anyone yet and I'm REALLY nervous to. I want to tell my alliance of Ruthie, Richie, and Alex but.. I'm really nervous to do that. That's like half of the people who are still in the game. I'm not going against them any time soon but.. I just don't know right now. I'm really glad I found it though. and obviously I'm really glad I got immunity and reward this time too

Aren

Y'know what I'm really, really bloody enjoying? The view. The picturesque, almost artistic viewpoint from the top of my palace as I watch all of my pathetic tribemates battle it out like peasants after the aftermath of my big move on Jay last vote... It's quite wonderful, really. It just proves how much these people are maggots whilst I'm sitting here like total royalty.

This vote can really go one of two ways. It can either go the easy, obvious way -- and Ci'ere can be sent home. Or, we can take a more unconventional route to this tribal-council and make an effort to blindside Alex instead. It's ultimately looking like Ci'ere, but... Mmm, I truly am craving that Alex blindside like he's a big, fat, tasty, tender slice of thick medium-rare steak. (I'm hungry right now, alright?)

Ruthie

I may deeply regret these when the episodes come out... bahahah.  Especially filming these with no make up and my hair looking like I'm really living on an Island.  Things are seeming quiet on and off for Arabia, I kind of wonder what's going on with everyone.  I know we have some people sleeping but still, I don't like when I don't know what is happening!  

Shouldn't Emmott know by now that Alex and I are solid and we tell one another everything? Maybe it's a good thing that he doesn't know and that we are trying to distance ourselves a bit, who knows. Anyway, Emmott showed me a screenshot of Alex agreeing with him that I was good at this game and just, how is that going to make me want Alex out?  Alex warned me what he was telling Emmott before hand, and it doesn't surprise me that Emmott is weaseling around, playing every side.  I've told him before I think he plays a good game that way and I really do, but everyone is cautious of him.  

I just don't get good vibes from Aren, I don't at ALL.  I think he's a little sneak that is going to win this entire game if he gets far enough.  I do like him as a person but I just don't trust him at all but if Alex thinks they are solid then...  whatever.  I think our best bet is going to be pulling Ci'ere in and maybe putting up Emmott/Issy tonight but literally no one has been on and who even KNOWS what's going to happen tonight. I just hope that Alex, Nicole and I are safe so I can somehow manage to make it to final 3 if the other two don't try to take one another out of the game first! 

Aren

OHMYGOD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS VOTE IS SO CHAOTIC AAA PLEASE HELP ME I'M ABOUT TO F A I N T SO LIKE ALEX's NAME CAME UP THEN RUTHIE'S THEN CI'ERE THEN ALEX WAS LIKE YO WE SHOULD SPLIT THE VOTES ON CI'ERE & ISSY THEN ISSY STARTED FREAKING OUT AND SLAPPING ON MY ASS FOR TAKING JAYO UT AND NOW IM CRYING A LOT WAHHH WAHH WAH 

Ruthie

LENA AND NICOLE WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS SO YOU CAN AGREE TO VOTE ISSY WITH ME? If they don't show up for some reason we will probably all vote for Emmott real quick instead because who would play an idol on him?  LOL.  Watch someone play the idol on him now and me be voted out, but yeah.  I'm nervous tonight, not for myself so much, but for Alex. I'm going to work on my speech again. <3 

Alex

WHEW, so much has happened since we last spoke, where to begin Lena won Immunity, so that's great.  She took Nicole and Ruthie, just as planned, and we got the Idol clue – no Idol, anywhere.  We tried, nothing.  Ugh.  So we have to assume Issy or Ci'ere has it. So then, the vote discussion has to happen.  Initially Aren is the only one to throw a name out, saying we should take out Ci'ere.  I suspect this is because he has something going with Issy & Emmott, but whatever, I'll humor him, we'll see what people are doing. THEN I get word that Emmott, spastic little shit, is throwing MY name around, so we're gonna need to fix that.  But.......nobody's biting.  Weirdly so.  Odd, but okay.  If I can't get him out this time, at least I know where he stands. Plus, we engage in my favorite game of “bait people into giving up incriminating information,” using my usual mouthpiece, Ruthie.  She plays along with Emmott, then goes to Aren and has a realtalk about if it's the right move for now.  Luckily, Aren agrees it's not the right move THIS round without her even having to prompt him, so that's good.  Of course, he's also not told me Ruthie “is after me,” so, hmm.  But still, I trust him for this vote. Eventually we decide to split the votes 4-3, guys on Ci'ere, girls on Issy, so if she plays the Idol on Ci'ere, Issy goes home and we lol at two reward items taking out two players consecutively. But this is really the round where seeds of doubt are starting to take hold.  Lena is agreed that Richie can't be trusted; Richie is starting to show signs of wavering against Ruthie, which is exactly what I want!  I don't want this Family to be the final 4, but I also don't want to be the first one to make the move.  So this is perfect for me.  I'm taking out people I'm not close to, I'm starting to fracture the alliance without overtly being the one to do it, it's flawless. And, on top of that, Lena has the Idol after all!  That's fantastic, so we're maneuvering the vote to land on Ci'ere anyway.  Unless there's two Idols, we should be in the clear tonight, and then the sailing gets way smoother for Alex. Anyway I'm about to get voted out cause I just said all that, EL OH ELL!

Lena

I decided to tell Ruthie and Alex about the idol. I decided to not include Richie in on the news so far because he seems to be slipping away from us.. The old farts (myself, Ruthie, and Alex) are even tighter than before. But I also have this alliance going with Ruthie and Nicole and I'm really liking it with them too. So I have options. Alex is very threatening and could prevent me from winning though.. So we have to see

Ci’ere

“Right before tribal council, Alex of all people tells me that Aren had told him I was an immunity threat and I probably had an idol. He also says that if I actually have an idol that I should play it, WELL I DON’T HAVE ONE. Aren had brought up my past gameplay from an entirely different org and brought it to this one which is seriously upsetting when I’m trying to start fresh here. I confront Aren and he unsurprisingly ignores me. This kid is faker than my tits. I have been nothing but loyal to him this entire game and we’ve worked together on three tribes and then he decides to destroy the games of everyone he’s working with… I have no words.”

Richie

i feel so weird??? i feel like im playing such a different game than i expected myself to play???? my only real survivor org experience was kauai where i won the first 3 immunities in a row post merge and i always was in the know and plotting and being messy and playing hard and the target that i felt on me made me play even harder and messier and try and play proactive and be in control at all times........ but this time its not like that????? i'm not any more safe... i merged with minority numbers on my side so its not like im complacent and safe in a majority??? its just like i dont care??? okay its not that i dont care because i care a lot... but its just like i dont CARE about whats going on as long as i know i'm safe... its a lot more reactionary game and trying to play UTR, just forming social relationships with everyone in this game regardless of side (but not TOO strong bc i dont want people to feel like super betrayed when i vote them out or see me as this fake bitch (which i am lbr))  idk i just feel like i should be doing more for a resume at the end and bc i find joy out of PLAYING this game but for now the less i get involved the less mess is attached to my baggage with people in this game and thats what i'm hoping for right now..... i dont really know whats going on with this vote, my alliance is saying either vote out issy or ciere or split the votes and theres drama where alex told aren about the plan and aren told emmott so theres a mess of distrust so i guess i do know whats going on... i'd like to vote for ciere because thats what i told aren and issy i was doing and if he goes i want to not have a history of lying with them bc so far i've been playing the weak innocent middle man card with that side so i dont want to fuck that image up EVEN THO RUTHIEEEEEEEE TOLD ISSY THAT SHE WAS AFRIAD THE "KHIANA BOYS" WERE AFTER HER... SMH @RUTHIE I LOVE YOU BUT I HATE YOU FOR THAT!!!!! im trying to make it seem like im so beyond the khiana vs fawz lines and be like we're all one race, the human race <3  ynadfhajkdhfks anywayyyyyyys idk what i'm going to do tonight ill prob just vote ciere and hope for the best.... anyone but me right? 

Aren

Welp... It's pretty fucking obvious at this point. I'm officially the unlucky dumbass that the Survivor Gods have elected as victim for tonight's tribal! The virgin sacrifice! It's a shame because for the whole day, it was just - Alex, Ci'ere, Alex, Ci'ere, Alex, Ci'ere. My name was still just a fart in the wind at that point... And THEN, all of a sudden in the last hour or so, BOOM! My name popped out like a surprise erection! It was crazy!!! But, YE lol I think I'm fucked lololloloollollololo its da aren is fukked parteh nd evry1 iz invytid!!!1111 lollolloollo

Ci’ere

“As far as I know, I’m unfortunately being voted out tonight and this will be my last confessional. :,( I didn’t want myself or my allies to go out in vain though so I made a cute little speech that will hopefully inspire people to make moves after I’m eliminated! Anyways, it’s been real Arabia~ This experience has been amazing and I’m so glad that I was able to meet all of you! Note: I just want you all to know that I did everything I could and even when it was 8 vs. 1 I didn’t give up. Bye <3”