#also as a way to reassure myself i can be a good parent somehow idk that conclusion i need to do more somersaults to reach

[catgirlreisuwa]

Oh and by the way while Misaki is not a good person by definition I will say this: if I were a woman and someone came to me (someone with no desire to be a parent whatsoever) parroting about maternal instincts and parenthood and clichés of the sort I too would go batshit hogwild. Kazuki was lucky he got away with only a scratch because I would've killed the motherfucker.

Maybe it's me projecting my own insecurities about parenthood on Misaki but the lack of "paternal instinct" plus the fact that she is a woman (expected to have those instincts innately) is a heavy enough burden and you will not villainise her in my house 🔪 bad people have reasons behind their actions and behaviour too and you will not turn a blind eye to that. Either you analyse the show (ALL of the show) or you stick to just consuming it for entertainment but getting to pick and choose what parts to find nuance in is not an option in this household (blog)

[ladydimitrescuspet]

It's Not Your Fault

ao3 link! I was supposed to post this almost 4 hours ago when I posted it on ao3, but I didn't get a break at work! anyway, this is the donna x reader I said I was gonna post for like the last month! sorry if it's shitty, but I hope y'all enjoy it and tell me your thoughts if you want!

warning: minor character death i.e. angie! kinda angsty, kinda comfort!

Tag List (only fill out the form once please): @lord-dimitrescu, @alwaysgoodnight, @paint-it-periwinkle, @lightspica, @ultimatebottom69, @sexyheisenbeast, @crazy-obsessed, @squid3, @inlovewithalcinadimitrescu, @the-obscurity, @sapphicalciee, @ladydimitresculove, @solemnnova, @itsyourgirlmalise, @the-little-shadow, @marvelwomen-simp, @rachelthefanfictionwriter, @d14n4ol, @peachesandlesbians, @celina1221, ｜Anna, @Gansito83, @Followingmyheartledmetoyou, @theuslesslezbian (won't tag, idk why)

-----

“We should garden today, Don. What do you say?” You asked your girlfriend. Donna shrugged her shoulders. “Don, we have to get you out of the house some way today. And I think planting something would be a good start.” It’d only been a week since the incident.

Donna looked at you, her lip trembling. “But An-“

You frowned slightly and cut her off. “We can plant something for Angie too. Place it near where we buried her, yeah?” You offered. She nodded her head and you smiled, albeit sadly. “Good. It’s a plan. I’ll run into the village to get some more supplies, okay?”

Donna’s eyes widened a bit. “No. N-no. Don’t leave.” Donna reached out for you, burying her face in your neck.

“I’m sorry, Donna. How about we go together?” You suggested. You’d forgotten that Donna rarely liked to be in the house by herself without Angie.

You remembered the day you found Donna on the floor of the living room with Angie lying in her arms. You’d rushed over to House Beneviento as fast as you could after you’d seen how ransacked Castle Dimitrescu had been. Your mind immediately went to Donna and while you were glad that she was okay, seeing a lifeless Angie in her arms broke you. Not as much as it did Donna, but nevertheless.

You carefully made your way over the bridge that led to the house, panting slightly as you pushed the door open. “Donna?” You called out. You walked into the house slowly, noticing the black covered figure on the floor. “Donna?” You reached out for her.

“Y/N?” Donna replied softly. She sniffled as you kneeled down on the floor beside her.

You noticed that Donna was holding Angie rather than speaking through her. “Are you okay? What happened, love?”

“I’m fine, But Angie...” She said. “Th-that man, he, he kil-“ Donna cut herself off, not wanting to finish the sentence.

You noticed the pair of bloody scissors next to Donna and noticed the gash on Angie’s head. “Oh, Don, I’m so sorry. I should’ve been here, I’m sorry.” You said into her neck as you pulled her closer to you.

You frowned at the memory. It was the same day Donna had mentioned that something big was getting ready to happen. That that was why Mother Miranda had called all of the Lords to meet at the church. And Donna had told you not to worry about it, insisting that you’d be fine to go to the Castle after your trip to the village. “Go, Y/N. You have nothing to worry about. I’ll see you when you get home from the Castle.” She’d given you that reassuring smile she always does when you worry, and you trusted it. Like the foolish person you were, you trusted your heart and not your instincts.

You shouldn’t have listened to her. She practically forced you to go to the village that afternoon even after you told her you had a feeling that something bad was going to happen. And it did, something very bad did happen. A part of you felt like you should be angry with Donna, she was the reason you weren’t there. But you should’ve stood your ground that day, you should’ve stayed and maybe if you had, Angie would still be alive. It was your fault, not Donna’s, it was all your fault.

Donna shook her head. “It’s not… your fault.” You barely heard those last two words with how softly she said them.

But it is my fault. You thought to yourself. “Is there anything I can do?” You asked.

Donna nodded her head. “I need a, um, shovel.” Donna replied. “And a… a box. For Angie.”

“Okay, we can get those things.” You said. “Should have a shovel in the garden and a box in the shed out back, right?” Donna sniffled and nodded her head again. “Why don’t we… put Angie in her room and we can set up?” You suggested.

“I don-“

You cut her off. “Donna, sweetie, listen. I know this is hard, I know it is. And if I could bring Angie back, I would. I’d give my own life to bring her back. But I can’t. I can’t do that, but what I can do is be here for you. And for Angie.” You swiped at the tears that stung your eyes. “I’m tying to be strong for you, Donny, so I need you to please cooperate with me right now. This will work smoother if Angie is in a safe place while we work.”

Donna grimaced slightly and you noticed her tighten her grip on the doll. “Can we do it tomorrow?” Donna asked.

You let out a small sigh, you were a bit frustrated, but it was her decision, so you nodded your head. “We can bury Angie tomorrow, yes. But it would be a good idea to set everything up tonight so we don’t take away from her day.” You pressed a kiss to Donna’s forehead and Angie’s.

“Y/N? Love, what’s wrong?” Donna asked softly, your face in her hands as her thumbs wiped away your tears. You stared at her in confusion. “You… you started cr-crying. And then you were, um, muttering I’m sorry over and over again.” Donna explained.

You sniffled. “I was just thinking that it’s my fault that Angie’s dead. If I hadn’t gone to the village, if I had trusted myself when I had that horrible feeling that something was going to happen. I could’ve prevented it, I could’ve kept her safe. Maybe it would’ve been me instead, you know? But at least you would still have Angie. But because I didn-“

“Stop that.” Donna said, her tone firm. “It’s not your fault. It’s his fault, not yours. I told you to go to the village that day because I knew he’d come here. I couldn’t… put you in harm’s way like that. And Angie, my precious little girl, she died protecting me. I was her until I realised that I wasn’t.” Donna explained.

“What do you mean?” You asked.

“Do you, um, remember what I told you that night? About how a small piece is gone now that Angie is no longer with us?” Donna asked.

You held Donna in your arms as she spoke while the two of you laid in bed. “When my father, Mother Miranda bless his soul, made Angie for me, it was possible one of the greatest gifts that I’d ever gotten. When my parents died, Angie was all I had left. And now that Angie is… gone, a small piece of me is too.”

You nodded your head at her question. “Only a few people know that Angie had a piece of the Cadou within her that connected us.” Donna continued. “And she, she cut off the connection somehow. I couldn’t find her after the first attack and when I did…” Donna trailed off.

You sniffled. “I should’ve been here.” You said. “I could’ve, I could’ve prevented it, Donna. I could’ve.”

Donna shook her head. “If you’d been here, you wouldn’t have actually been here, Y/N. I would’ve been forced to put you under hallucination. It was too risky to have you anywhere near the house and I figured you’d be safe at the castle after you were done in the village.” Donna replied. “Alcina told me that one of her daughters tried to stop you from leaving, but you didn’t listen, you just ran until you got here.”

You did remember one of the daughters, Bela, calling out your name that night. Her grabbing you as you tried to run out of the Castle to get to Donna. “Did I… did I hit her, by chance?” You grimaced when Donna nodded her head. “Oh Gods, I didn’t remember that until just now. I should go apologise.”

Donna gave you a small smile. “After the trip to the village?” Donna asked. She rubbed her hand down your arm. “We should get seeds for a sweet pea flower to plant by Angie, those were her favourite." Donna said.

You nodded your head. The trip to the village for the supplies was fairly short. When you got back home, you let Donna set everything up while you apologised to Bela over the phone, promising to do something with her sometime soon.

"Bela said hi and she, um, she sends her condolences. The whole family does." You pressed a kiis to the top of Donna's head when you reached her side. "She also said that her and her sisters made something for you."

"That's sweet of them." Donna replied softly. You hummed. "I'm glad we got the potted plants and the seeds, it looks beautiful, don't you think?" Donna asked.

You nodded your head before crouching down in front of Angie's grave. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you and Donna. Rest easy, angel." You pressed a kiss to your fingers and push them lightly against the gravestone.

Donna wrapped her arms around you, leaning into your side when you stood up. "It wasn't your fault, Y/N." Donna said, pressing a chaste kiss to your shoulder.

"I know, Don, but the least I can do is apologise to her." You wrapped your arm around her waist, leading her back inside. Apologising was all you did when you visited Angie's grave. It was all you could do for her, really. It wasn't much, but it also wasn't nothing. And if it eased you to do so then Donna could accept that from you and she did.

[tonya-the-chicken]

I’m not going to change your views but it does feel a bit dismissive when you say it wasn’t that bad because he had rich parents who neglected him but hey they got a maid for him and he probably wasn’t outcasted or bullied so hey it’s not that bad right 🤷‍♀️! I don’t know he definitely didn’t have the worse out of the villains but I don’t know it felt a bit dismissive is all. Although we need to all remember these are fictional characters so have no idea why the other anon needed to get so aggressive! Also the person in the notes I don’t know how to say it but uh the whole the Todoroki’s had a rich father they didn’t have to work a day in their life take is not a good look. Just because someone has parents with money it doesn’t derail the fact that neglect can cause trauma.

Anyways for the real reason I sent this, you wonder why Dabi is so insane. Well take into account the neglect alongside the fact that he burnt to near death up on that hill alone at the age of what 13? That’s got to be extra traumatising, especially for a child that was already not mentally ok. We also don’t know what his circumstances were like after that fire, like was he homeless? Or picked up by someone nefarious? Kind of like AFO(not him exactly but someone nasty) who maybe fed on his brewing anger and hate instead of positive healing. I’m sure we will find out at some point? I don’t think it was just what happened in the Todoroki household or the fire that broke his mind? There had to be other factors after the fire after his “death”!

[[WARNING!!! I love Dabi as a character but I am not a woobifier so if you are too much into him don't read!!!! No complaints taken, y'all will be blocked for being rude I am too old to deal with people unable to interact with me in good faith (anon it's not for you, you are good and I can't understand your point of view I am just not as good as a person and too old for that shit)]]

I don't think I will change my mind either but I feel like the belief that every trauma is equally bad is just... Simply wrong. Like, we can legit compare this stuff and how badly it affects our brain, what do y'all think psychologists research 🤷‍♀️ Like, your therapist won't tell you this because it's not their job to make you understand you not the centre of the Earth (and it won't help because it is a legit trauma response that is very valid but is annoying you're fucking 25 yo). And to say that, neglectful parenthood is probably the worst parenthood style, as far as I know XD I wrote coursework about this (neglectful bitches are having a lot of need to make us the biggest victims (the bitches is me))... It also feels really American to me? Like, are we going to pretend people who got to live in a nice house and were neglect somehow got it as bad as people living in poverty or warzones? Hello? Imagine telling some orphan "I know you have no parents but actually, my trauma of my father not spending enough time with me is just as severe as yours". Bruh couldn't be me sorry... Like, even taking into account the fact that we can have weaker or stronger nervous systems or be more prone to depressive episodes *looks in the mirror and cries* I simply wouldn't find the guts to say my trauma is as severe as idk people who had physically abusive parents or no parents at all or who were disowned for being gay

And like **again** I am not saying that neglect is not traumatic I WAS NEGLECTED THIS IS TRAUMATIZING AS FUCK. I just am living in a country at war and with lots of discrimination problems and I like... Can't say I am the biggest victim. Sorry I can't though there were times when I was a lot more bitchy especially before being in therapy so I understand where you are coming from and I know what I am saying won't resonate with everyone (it's ok go on your own healing journey I believe in you) but this doesn't mean it is garbage and won't help me or someone else... I've already talked once about it but as a person, I am very easily irritated and envious and really not your local Jesus and partially my trauma turned me like this so being more humble about my sufferings helps me not be a complete bitch (believe me or not but people with traumas and mental illnesses are often insufferable *looks in the mirror* not me though I am perfect... BUT IT IS OK TO BE INSUFFERABLE OK??? like, bitch, that's normal. That's normal to stink when you are depressed it's ok to be a bitch when you are hurting. Forgive yourself because I forgive you (when you are not being an abusive asshole but if you apologize and explain yourself I will forgive that too)

The reason why I talk about the fact he is rich is that I've got a disease called leftism and I am a person of several marginalized identities and since this fandom LOVES looking at characters like real humans, I looked at Dabi this way. And if Dabi was a real human, I wouldn't sympathize with him one bit. I would fucking hate him for being the biggest entitled asshole who commits crimes for the reason his Daddy didn't give him attention. Bitch, my Dad didn't give me attention either! But somehow I don't kill people! And I don't even have money!!!! But like... I am not denying that neglectful parents are not a problem. It is. But he is overreacting, bro. He needs to humble down and recognize the fact he is a fucking idiot (he is). He has inherently so much more resources to recover and heal himself than I had... Yes, I am just being jealous at this point but honestly. Making an entire country suffer for you is not a good thing and y'all need to stop using trauma and mental illness as an excuse for people. No! Being abusive to people because of neglect is not valid, is overreacting and you had no reason to do that. I am dismissing your trauma because you are exaggerating it to make me sympathize with your asshole behaviour. I won't judge people with different sets of standards as I judge myself

I bet it would be dismissive and bad if I said it in conversation with someone who is currently struggling with mental health and is not a murderer. But guess what! I don't talk with humans and my friends the same way I talk on my Tumblr about fictional characters 🤷‍♀️ Not to mention I don't have rich friends akabsksbxm

I think with Dabi there's this whole thing where we saw him at 14 (poor baby boy) and 24 (a grown-ass boy) and... Like, I am so sorry for 14 years old Touya not receiving the help he needs (bruh so relatable) but I am not gonna act like 24 years old bitch can't get his ass to a psychiatrist (extremely unrelatable and infuriating). We shouldn't apply the same standards to kids and adults. We can talk all day long about how society is bad and how our parents ruined us but at some points, you gotta take your life into your own hands and do something and be an adult. And it's fucking hard when you're born with a shitty brain that was fucked up by your parents even more in a society where no one gives a fuck but I sincerely don't know another way to live. You will feel bad and want to die but you either keep on recovering or keep on getting worse and at this point getting worse is Dabi's *choice* That's how I live, that's my framework and I am, of course, extremely fortunate in a lot of ways but I just don't know how are you supposed to survive without the notion that grown people are responsible for themselves and their mental health. We can't act like adults are babies

But as a character, Dabi is fucking hot ngl. Like, do I sometimes want to murder my entire family, make them suffer AND commit terrorist attacks? We all do. Dabi is the dark fantasy of us neglectful bitches craving some attention. Gotta kill the president and tell everyone that my Dad sucks. Imagine the entire country hearing your Dad sucks? That's the juice, that's the dream. Trauma makes you vicious. I get the sentiment. Imagine all those fuckers who made you feel like shit pissing their pants and crying? Imagine your Mom being afraid of you the way you used to be afraid of her? People do have the desire for some violent justice but like... Think of bullied kids committing school shootings. But instead of a kid, it's a grown man who graduated school and who also have a rich father

Ok too much about irl stuff and philosophy shit. I know my way of talking is kinda brute so just know the way I treat people is different from that I treat fictional characters, in particular, I don't call real-life humans submissive and breedable... And stuff...

Damn Dabi is kinda good to project your hatred of your parents in bruh, I should write a fanfic about that (would be cathartic)

To the plotline, I am also very interested in what the hell happened with him after burning because... How the hell he wasn't found? I kind of DON'T want him to be groomed at this point because I feel like it won't be as cool as him just more naturally evolving into what he became. Like, surely, he is an asshole but consider this: as a villain, he is morally obligated to be an asshole

I feel like someone hiding him and Touya overstating the gruesomeness of his living conditions to the dude so he feels *bad* for him and hides him and feels sympathy and Touya gets attention but also begins to reassure himself in the fact his Dad needs to be punished... Idk it's a lot of mystery but I feel like more suffering won't deliver the point the way I want it... I mean it CAN be handled this way and initially I thought a lot about Dabi being brainwashed a bit or having his memories altered so it seems worse to him or even him being groomed or lied too but nowadays I am not into it. I mean I believe in Horikoshi and that he will handle him well 🛐

I talk a lot so I will summarize

If we judge him as a real human

14 yo Touya - DID NOTHING WRONG IN HIS LIFE PROTECT HIM

24 yo Dabi - go fuck yourself bitch you older than me and act like a child and kill people, I couldn't care less about your trauma rich boy

If you want me to talk as his psychologist

Yeah, it is painful and sad, I understand him so much and surely, his trauma is valid as is his hatred but probably revenge won't bring him what he wants. And what he wants is love and attention. But he gotta make choices that will lead to his healing. He needs to *want* to heal. And we will step by step go to the healing because it is possible. He is loved and he is enough. AND YOU ALL MOTHERFUCKERS WILL HEAL I BELIEVE IN YOU BESTIES

Also his therapist (behind his back)

You won't believe it but my client is the most infantile attention whore I've ever met

But if we talk about him as a character... Very delicious soup

If you talk with your friends

Please, if your friends are being abusive to you or someone else don't even LET them say how their trauma made them this way. No. Nothing allows you to be an abuser. Call them out and stop them and make them talk to the therapist. Like, surely, there are extreme situations like severe mental illnesses or extreme neglect where we should be more forgiving but babying adults won't do you any good and won't make them recover

Yeah, I guess this is what I forgot to say. When I say "it wasn't that bad" what I mean is that I would be more forgiving to people who had it worse. It's more of a personal measure where I can tolerate stuff from people who had particular traumas or from those who suffered greatly (it's not my place to be a bitch here). I can forgive 14 years old or a poor person for stealing stuff but not the 25-year-old man who got no need for money and is not a kleptomaniac. I would be more forgiving to Shigaraki than to Dabi because Shigaraki was groomed a whole lot. Same for Toga, who is not even an adult or Twice who is a poor orphan. But that doesn't mean I would forgive them completely. All of them are shitty people. It's just that they had fewer resources and possibilities to not be what they became while Dabi had more but he acts like he is extremely hurt and the biggest victim which is like... There will be people like this in your life, please, don't make friends with them, they WILL abuse you

I talked a lot damn. It's adhd I can't shut up

[juupajaa]

How do you deal with shame? Shame of your thoughts, of your actions... I'm too ashamed of myself to expose myself to someone else even if its to ask for help

I'd like to declare that shame is my mortal enemy and I am absolute shit at dealing with it so idk how much I can help here but let's try.

Depsite my brain constantly telling me that the only way to stop feeling ashamed or humiliated is to stop doing stupid shit, there's actually a much better way and that's learning to endure it. Thinking that you can just get really good at not doing things that make you feel shame is a trap honestly. That's a sure way to get really sick really fast.

Nobody's always cool and everyone does and says so much stupid shit during their lives that it's impossible to avoid shame as a feeling. What you should do, instead of locking yourself up, isolating, withdrawing and damaging your self esteem even more, is to start building a good immune system against shame.

I've spent 10 years of my life isolating myself from everyone and everything because I got scared of feeling ashamed and now it's been pretty awful trying to set things right again. Normal things like going to the store was too much for me at one point because I just felt so ashamed of myself to show myself publicly. Now I can go to the store just fine, but at the cashier I feel like everything I bought was somehow wrong and the whole store must be judging me right now, even though I just bought some bread. So some progress I suppose??

Anyway, shame is one of the main things that we work on in therapy and what has been the most helpful for me is learning to cut the disaster thinking short with rational thinking, myth debunking and trusted affirmations. Works on anxiety too, I guess? Learning to like yourself more in general is also helpful with learning to deal with shame, but that's another post.

What I usually do when I feel like I can't do something because of how ashamed I'd get, is to first of all calm down if I'm very emotional at the time. Somethings feel easier when you're at a better mood. Once I'm calm, if the thing is still too much, I start to ask some questions from myself. Is it actually that bad? Do others think it's that bad? What would your parent/sibling/friend/other loved one think about it? Would you think mean things if you saw a stranger do this? Is the world going to end because of it?

And finally if I can't sway my convictions, someone else might, so I go ask my therapist if this is ok and if they can give me some reassurance. I know I begun to feel a lot better about eating once my therapists debunked a lot of eating related myths for me and assured me of the fact that it's actually ok to eat and to like eating.

So those are some basics I guess? As I said I'm still practicing myself so I'm no expert but it's been working for me.

Lastly I just want to say that getting someone to talk to, someone who is removed from your life can be really helpful so try your best to set it up. If you don't know where to go and what to say, that's ok. Stumbling into a nurses office and saying "idk what to do" is so ok and chaotic and I've done it too. I know I've sat at my therapist's office, facing walls and writing notes because I was too ashamed to look them in the eye and say what I wanted to say. Things are allowed to be messy and difficult and strange and all of it is ok. The first steps are always the worst and it might feel like you'll die from shame but I promise you, unless you're confessing murder or some other horrible crime, it's not as bad as we tend to think. Besides, even if you actually do have something to be ashamed of and it's not just your mind going haywire, who doesn't love a good redemption arc? There's always that.

[an-everything-blog]

It’s Always Been You

Pairing: Tony Stark x Reader

Warnings: Smut, some angst if you squint

Summary: After the fight in Civil War, you and Tony are trying to hide from the government from breaking the law so you resort to multiple motels and an old run-down truck. Tony has underlying feelings for you and you cannot stop yourself from falling in love with him.

Word Count: 3.9K

Author’s Note: I’m back! Again... But seriously, ever since the first trailer of End Game came out I’ve been getting major Tony vibes idk why. I have always loved him, but now since I know he’s about to be done I just need to write about him. Although I haven’t seen End Game yet, I know I’m bout to die when I see it so I made this to prepare myself. Hope you guys enjoy! Please let me know what you think!!

-

The car ride was silent, save for the soft rumbling from the old run-down truck Tony somehow managed to attain. The truck being much different than what the two of you were used to. You both had to settle for the dated Ford to go unnoticed by the government. After the intense battle between the Avengers, you and Tony were left in Siberia on that cold concrete, broken, bloody and empty.

You had never intended things to end up how they did. You didn’t want to pick a side because you loved both Steve and Tony. But when worst came to worst and they started throwing punches, you couldn’t just stand there whilst they beat Tony almost to death. You had an extensive history with Tony. He was the one who had believed in you when no one else did. Originally you had intended to stop the three after Tony found out about his parents, but it just got so out of hand. Bucky had banged you up pretty good. Your face covered in your own blood, a few ribs probably broken and your elbow was throbbing wildly. You managed to do about the same amount of damage to him though. You could tell he didn’t want to and you didn’t want to either as you were crying and yelling “please stop” as you were fighting. You understood he was just trying to protect himself. You wish it hadn’t have to be this way.

After Steve had dragged Bucky away, Tony frantically looked around for you. Once he spotted you lying on the floor motionless, he panicked and managed to claw his way over to you while yelling your name.

“(Y/n), wake up!” Tony’s metal clad fingers grasped your head turning you toward him. You lazily opened your eyes and smiled up at him. You couldn’t help it. He was like a breath of fresh air every time you saw him. Even with the cuts and bruises all over his face he still looked beautiful.

“Hey there Boss-man.” You said gently, seeming like you just woke from a nap.

“God, (Y/n) you alright?” He exclaimed too loud. He couldn’t help himself. He cared about you way more than you would ever know. And now you’re hurt and it’s all his fault. He did this to you.

“Of course I am. I always am. You look awful though.” You giggled. He gave a soft puff of breath as he shook his head.

“Let’s get you out of here.” He mumbled while softly pulling you up.

-

Two weeks pass and you’ve been to an abundance of motels resting and traveling. Never staying in the same place for too long. Many people believe you both to be dead. The government is still looking though. You and Tony technically broke the law, so you’ve been running since. Now you and Tony have been on the road for two days. He hasn’t said more than a sentence to you since that day in Siberia. Usually just one word answers. He suddenly became stern with his brows furrowed constantly, instead of his usual cocky smirk. You can tell that he’s sad through his eyes. He tries to seem intense, but it makes you sad to see him like this. You hope it’s not because of something you did during the fight, but you always reassure yourself that it’s from the recent events with the Avengers. You wish you could make him smile again like past times, you just don’t know how to get through to him yet.

-

You're back in Siberia, watching Steve and Bucky hit Tony repeatedly. You try to move but can’t. Something is tying you down, but can’t see what. All you can see is the blood coming from Tony’s mouth as Steve hits him across the face again. You scream at them to stop, but it seems they just hit him harder. Your throat begins to burn and you feel yourself crying. From a distance you hear Tony grunting with every punch and kick and your stomach turns. You pull against your restraints harder, but to no avail. You feel so useless and guilty for not being able to help Tony. Suddenly Tony makes solid eye contact with you and you can tell he’s hurting badly. He calmly tells you that it will be okay before another swift kick was put in his side and you scream. You’re so unbelievably frustrated and distraught and you can’t watch anymore as Tony falls to the ground. You are sobbing Tony’s name.

Tony awakes to his name. He jumps up and looks around realizing where he is. He looks over and sees you grunting and turning in your separate bed of the motel room. You had tried on many occasions to get a single bed just to save you both money, but he refused, not wanting to get close to you in fear he will somehow hurt you again.

“Tony!” You sobbed his name and his heart clenches. He doesn’t know what you’re dreaming about, but he hopes you aren’t scared of him. He wants to comfort you so badly and make the pain go away. He convinces himself that he doesn’t deserve you. He’s the one that got you into this mess.

A heart wrenching scream is what broke his trance of watching you and he decided he couldn’t take it anymore. He sped to your side and sat on the bed. He grabbed ahold of your arm and he called your name, his voice thick and strained. He was getting pretty emotional seeing you like this.

You gasped awake quickly realizing it was just a night terror. You opened your eyes wide looking all around the room before you realized Tony was speaking to you. You looked right into his eyes and saw how worried he seemed. You instantly got a flashback to your nightmare of him looking at you, telling you it’s okay. This made you burst into tears as you reached for him. For a second Tony froze not knowing how he should react. Then throwing caution out the window he wrapped his arms around you tightly, giving you the comfort you needed.

“Shhh it’s okay, Honey.” He whispered running the tips of his fingers down your arm.

“They just k-kept hitting you no matter how many times I told them to stop. They wouldn’t stop Tony.” You hiccuped, tears still streaming down your face. Though Tony was relieved that you weren’t scared of him, it also hurt him to know that you were having these dreams about him.

“I’m alright, I’m just fine and so are you. We’re okay Dear.” Tony reassured confidently. Your skin was so soft it made Tony warm. At this time he took the time to look at you closely. He’s never really gotten this close to you. Not as intimately as this. He noticed your eyelashes blinking rapidly to try and stop the tears. It seemed time went in slow motion watching them bat gracefully against your soft looking cheeks. He had only now noticed how bright your eyes got in color when they were filled with tears. He never expected someone to look so beautiful whilst in so much pain. It tore his heart two separate ways. Looking further down to your lips he was mesmerized. He was so close to you now, he noticed they were dark probably from them being bitten on, yet they looked soft like butter. He had the strongest urge to press his lips to yours. He knew it was wrong, but he just couldn’t help the thoughts racing through his head.

Just as you went to thank him for helping you, he gently grazed his lips on yours. You took a slight intake of breath before you urgently pressed your lips firmly to his. He let out a surprised grunt before kissing back with just as much urgency. Your shaky hand traveled lightly from his messy locks of hair down slowly to rest at his chest right in the center where his ARC reactor would’ve been. This subtle action made Tony shutter lightly. He was right, your lips were just as soft as he imagined. In his eyes you were so perfect and so unbelievably smart. He was definitely the farthest thing from perfect. He’s the one that got you hurt. He’s the one that gave you this trauma.

Suddenly all at once he realized what he was doing and pulled away abruptly. Confused you opened your eyes and looked up at Tony. He looked so frightened. It was the kinda look he gave Steve as he drove his shield into Tonys ARC reactor.

“Tony? What is it? What’s wrong?” You questioned eyes wide and worried.

“I uh- I need to go get supplies... For the morning.” He explained as if in a daze, moving as far away from you as he could. You glanced at the clock that read 4:22 AM. You shook your head confused.

“Tony what are you talking about? We can just go on our way out...” You said your cheeks getting warm with the realization of what you two just did.

“I’ll be back.” He stated with no further explanation.

“Tony!-“ He shut the door before you could say another word to him.

Maybe he didn't mean to kiss you. You immediately thought. What if he was just trying to make you feel better and he didn’t like you like that? Your stomach twisted uncomfortably at that thought. You tried calling him on his cheap cell phone, but of course he didn’t answer. You worried your bottom lip, the feel of Tony still there. You ended up falling asleep waiting for him to get back. Hoping he would come back.

-

“One room with two beds please.” Tony asked the receptionist at the front desk of the motel. It had been about a month that’s past since that night, and things came to an abrupt stop between you two. You had tried to apologize to him the next morning when he finally came back, but he quickly shut it down just telling you to forget about it. You didn’t forget though. It’s all you thought about. You couldn’t recall a time where you felt safer, happier than in his arms that night. Ever since then it’s been silent between you two. Just traveling and sleeping.

There was one time you were pretending to sleep in the truck and you felt his thumb graze your cheek as he sighed. Immediately it gave you goosebumps and your heart clenched. You didn’t know what it meant because you had began to think that he hated you. He refused to speak to you or even smile at you anymore. It made you sad at times because you wanted nothing more than to be close with him. You think of times before the fight when you would grab him his favorite breakfast after he had been working all night. He would always have a surprised look on his face as you brought the box of Randy’s Donuts with a black coffee into his work space. He would always ask you to stay to share the donuts with him and of course you would because it’s Tony and you can never say no to him.

“I’m sorry Sir, we only have one room left and it’s a single bed.” The lady apologized. Your body began to buzz at the thought of sharing a bed with Tony.

“You don’t have any other rooms?” He sighed in frustration.

“We are very busy this time of year.” The receptionist explained. Tony stood there for a few moments before turning to leave.

“We’re going to the next one.” Tony stated to you. You grunted in frustration.

“That’s not for another 50 miles!” You tried to reason with him, but he just shrugged his shoulders. You groaned as tears started to form in your eyes. Were you really that revolting? You just wanted to sleep in a bed, your back hurt from sitting in that damn truck all the time.

“I am exhausted, and I know you are too. Anthony, please.” You whispered the last part while holding on to his arm gently. He sighed while weighing out his options. He knew you were tired of this. He just wishes he could gave you a better life than what it is right now. The way you whispered his name had him sighing for a whole different reason. You were too beautiful for your own good.

“Alright. Just for tonight.” He concluded, stepping away from you to get the key.

-

“What are you doing?” You questioned Tony as he grabbed a pillow and the extra blankets.

“I’m sleeping on the floor. No biggie.” Tony said unfolding the blanket.

“Tony, no. Are we not adults? You’re sleeping in the bed, come on it’s only for a few hours. You’ll thank me when your back isn’t hurting tomorrow.” You say patting the bed. He sighed and grabbed the pillow off the floor.

As you both got settled under the covers you shivered at the warmth radiating from Tony from the other side of the queen sized bed.

“Goodnight Boss-man.” You sighed sadly at the nickname that you used to call him all the time. He turned away from you and just as you closed your eyes thinking he wouldn’t respond to you like always, he said:

“Goodnight, Dear.”

-

Your eyes snapped open from a dream you had. You had dreamt of the night about a month ago with Tony’s softened lips grazing over yours. It was urgent and gentle at the same time. The kind of kiss that you don’t want to stop. The next thing you knew he was leaving you again and you guess it scared you so much that you woke up. You took a few deep breaths and looked to your left to make sure he was still there with the help of the bathroom light that was left on.

Tony must’ve moved in his sleep because he is now facing you with his arm delicately draped over his stomach. Your chest burned as you looked at his peaceful expression. His facial hair has long since gotten a little unkept. He still tries to trim it like it was, but it’s not the same. You think he looks better like this. Gives him a bit more humanity in some way. He’s close enough that you can feel his soft breaths dance across your skin. You study the way his lips are curved into a resting line and you almost touch them with your fingers to see if they’re still as soft as you remember. You wish you could stay like this forever just so you could study him without him wanting to leave you.

You want to touch him so badly. Before today, you haven’t had actual human contact in weeks. You were becoming touch-starved from the man that you loved. His hair flicked out in random places and you couldn’t help but run your fingers gently through his fluffy locks. Tony stirred a bit and you focused on his expression. You found the faintest hint of a smile and you exhaled smiling as well.

You decided that you didn’t care anymore. You subtly moved closer to Tony and gently placed your head on his shoulder. You were close enough to hear his heart beat through his old t-shirt. His warmth gave you instant calmness and the rhythm of his heartbeat gave you peace.

-

Tony slowly blinked awake from the morning sunlight peeking through the window. As he opened his eyes further he noticed a warm weight on his shoulder.

“Hey Boss-man.” You were looking up at him, studying him.

“(Y/n), what are you doing?” Tony asked confused. He didn't know why you would even want to be touching him right now. He figured you wouldn't want anything to do with him.

“Anthony, you’re beautiful. I hope you know that.” You state softly, but honestly. Tony scanned your whole face quickly to check for any lie, but found none. His chest burned as he made eye-contact.

“(Y/n)-“ Tony tried to say, but you cut him off by pressing your lips to his. He immediately molded to your form with just as much urgency. His hand ran through your hair onto the back of your head to pull you up to him. You quickly threw a leg over him and sat on his lap without breaking contact. Your hands were traveling everywhere. From his hair down to his chest. The kiss was wet, soft, and passionate all at once. All of these pent up emotions were spilling out of the both of you and you began to subtly roll your hips against his. He was just so amazing in every way not to mention so handsome. This action did not go unnoticed by Tony.

“(Y/n)..” Tony breathed after gently pulling away. You wouldn’t let him continue.

“Tony please. Please let me in. I want this so badly. I want you. Please just let me have you. Please Tony.” You pleaded desperately. You couldn’t have him reject you. Not again. You don’t think your heart can take it. Tony looked at you and almost looked sad for a moment before he gave a small smile and nodded.

“Okay. It’s okay Honey. I’ll take care of you now. I’ve got you.” He spoke quietly while looking at you intently. You nodded as your eyes began to water from finally getting what you wanted. You pressed your lips back to his as he gripped the bottom of your shirt and swiftly took it off. Immediately his eyes were drawn to your bare breasts. He gave them each a peck before circling your nipples. You sighed in content as you reached for his shirt as well. Looking at the scar from Tony’s ARC reactor you decided to gently place a kiss right in the center. He looked up to the ceiling and gave a small moan. Your core burned as you reached for his pants. You felt his length through his sleeping pants and he shuttered at the light touch. You could tell Tony was touch-starved as well. After his pants fell to the floor you began to pump him slowly as he quickly discarded your shorts.

His chest was pressed to yours as he flipped you both on the bed. He began to study your face as his hand traced down your body to your most sensitive area. You gasped as he ran a single finger through your slick.

“So wet for me Angel.” He whispered bringing his hand up to show you before placing it in his mouth, groaning.

“So, so good.” He breathed, his fingers going back down for more. He circled your clit slowly at first before progressively getting faster. You were moaning and whimpering like a mess and Tony loved it.

“Tony, please.” You whined.

“What is it Honey? What do you need? You need my fingers? Is that it?” Tony was whispering in your ear and you were nodding and moaning against him. He chuckled before adding a single finger as his thumb was still playing with your clit. Soon he had three fingers in and you were nearing your release. You began to buck against his fingers as you started to moan his name.

“That’s it Angel, cum all over my fingers. Go ahead.” Tony encouraged. Your core began to spasm and squeeze over his fingers. It took everything in him not to blow his load right then watching you. As you began to calm down from your orgasm, you saw Tony sucking on his fingers. It made you moan watching him.

“Tony. Please fuck me. Please.” You whined. Tony smirked for the first time in a long time. It was pleasing to see.

“Alright Dear. You want my cock?” He questioned while running the warm head of his length through your pussy lips. You moaned and nodded quickly.

Tony slowly pushed in and you whimpered. He was so much bigger than you imagined. It felt so good to be stretched like this. Tony gave his own moan as he bottomed out. You felt heavenly and he was trying his best to calm himself. After a few moments he pulled out and pushed in slowly.

“Fuck (Y/n), you feel amazing.” He chuckled breathlessly. You smiled and squeezed your core bringing a grunt out of Tony. You two started out a slow but firm pace. His chest was grazing yours and you’ve never felt more close to Tony. You could feel your wetness on Tony’s stomach as he began to fuck you faster. You were mewling Tony’s name as you dug your heels into Tony’s ass to get him to go in deeper. The sound of your wetness each time Tony pumped into you had your core on fire. 

“Taking me so well. Taking my cock so good.” He groaned hitting deep in your core. Your orgasm was building rapidly as he continued pumping into you quickly and you couldn’t get enough.

“Tony, shit. I’m getting close.” You moan pulling at his hair. He immediately brought his hand down to your clit and began massaging you.

“Go on. Cum on me all over again. Cum hard. You can do it Angel. That’s it. There we go.” Tony was moaning as he felt you clenching over his dick. You felt yourself gushing and spasming all at once and you couldn’t remember the last time you came that hard. You were whining from your second orgasm and you could tell Tony was just about to his.

“Please cum in me Anthony. I want your cum.” You whispered sensually. His hips stuttered as he moaned.

“Jesus (Y/n).” He grunted pushing in one more time before filling you up with his seed. You moaned at the warmth seeping out of you as Tony slowly came to a stop. Tony gave you one last gentle kiss before pulling out and going to grab a small towel.

“Tony, I need you to know something.” You say after he settled back into bed. He looked at you almost scared. He didn’t want you to say that was a one time thing. That would break him.

“Look, I don’t know if you dislike me or hate me or what's going on with you because you haven’t spoken to me in over a month, but I love you Tony. I’m in love with you. It’s always been you. Even if you don't love me, I can't help but be in love with you. You're so much more than you think you are.” You finished quietly. His eyebrows were raised in shock, then squinted in confusion and your stomach was doing summersaults because you had no idea how he would react.

“(Y/n)... I could never hate you. I was the reason you got so badly hurt in Siberia. You got hurt and that was on me. I couldn’t forgive myself. I don't deserve someone a brilliant and beautiful as you.” Tony explained looking away. You grunted distastefully.

“Tony, that was not your fault. I chose to defend you because I care deeply about you and I wasn’t about to watch as you all beat the shit out of each other. I will always be on your side.” You say grasping his hand. he looked down at you in the bed and leaned down to kiss you.

“I love you too (Y/n). Always have.” Tony said breaking the kiss. You grinned up at him and he grinned back and this time, it reached his eyes and it made your heart flutter.

So yeah, maybe the world is shit right now and the avengers are broken and the government is searching for all of you, but you and Tony have each other and that’s all you can ask for.

[sher-soc-the-famder]

YOOOOO MY FELLOW GAYS it me :p I’m baaaack with another set of conspiracy theories for @altruistic-skittles’ In Our DNA Because I love driving myself insane by thinking in circles XD

That and I’m determined to figure out the Macy Mystery(tm) before it’s revealed, it’s practically a matter of pride at this point XD I mean, I probably won’t but I’m having a blast piecing different hints and details together. Like Game theory, with about the same track record too!

ANYWAYS SPOILERS AND POSSIBLE SPOILERS BELOW :P

First to recap! From my last theory post

- Patton having emotional power (CONFIRMED!)

- Roman being Subject 89 (CONFIRMED!)

- Patton, Logan, and Macy (Still in the air, probably Jossed XD)

- Virgil’s history with Logan (Still in the air)

- The whole thing being a test (JOSSED)

...which is not to bad actually, huh. ANYWAYS I’m gonna be focusing on the biggest mystery at the moment: Macy so buckle up it’s about to get weird

To start off with we need to narrow down the list of suspects which goes thus:

Roman, Virgil, Logan, Patton, Damion, Ms. Spencer, Emile Picani, Remy, Hobo (yes I’m including the cat, I did say that it was going to get weird), and finally Macy herself!

Pleeeeease let me know if I missed any important characters! I’m not including the parents or Flora because the ages just don’t match up at all, and if I start trying to add them to this equation I really will go mad. 

ROMAN

I’m crossing Logan off this list off of one thing alone: the ships listed for this fic. XD Logince. Need I say more? No? No. Go get your man, Ro

PICANI AND REMY

I mean, they’re in the tags. They’re gonna show up at some point. However, I’m doubting the existence of a third sibling. Neither Patton nor Logan has mentioned the existence of one. Plus I’m inclined to think that Skittles has already introduced us to Macy, and is just making us all suffer at this point

MS. SPENCER

...ok I don’t actually think that Ms. Spencer could be Macy but I really, really wanted to point out that Damion disguises himself as her at least once. How else would a supposed elementary school teacher know that people would be after not only Patton but Roman as well? Why would she time her running into Virgil so suspiciously well that Virgil doesn’t meet Patton at the theater? She’s surprisingly gentle with Roman, whom Damion would know

Hence at least in the theater scene Ms. Spencer = Damion 

aaaaanyways moving on

HOBO

I mean at this point, the cat could be a person and I would not be surprised. Virgil even points this out himself, that the cat could be a mutant and following him around for some reason. The two year timeline is rather suspicious as well. I’m leaning Hobo = Remy at the moment but WHO KNOWS Hobo could be Macy XD (and believe me, the moment that cat makes a return I’m starting a whole new theory board for them)

DAMION

(First off, gdi, Damion adds a whole new layer to the Unreliable Narrator tag, Skittles I’m going to go mad XD)

Damion is not Macy but he’s definitely involved somehow. My current theory? He’s the kid that broke his arm and led to Logan being taken. Chapter 7 opens with a flashback of someone who’s broken their arm, and is met with icy blue eyes. Logan. They leave and then they return to reassure him that everything will be alright.

But

They do it softly, in a way that helps him catch his breath. Which sounds an awful lot like Patton to me. “It’s going to be okay”

So

Damion breaks his arm, Logan sees it and tells Patton, Patton heals Damion’s arm and leads to Logan being taken. Which is why Damion is looking out for them. They helped him out and in return, one got his mind twisted and the other got taken to a facility and experimented on for years.

(Also note the ambiguous pronouns I’m going to bring those back up)

Also Chapter 9, with Damion being disguised as a scientist and helping Roman and his mother escape, leads me to believe that all the files about subject 89 were corrupted and/or deleted by him

PATTON

Ah, the story that Skittles wants us all to believe, the most likely to be true shhhhh I’m in tin hat denial land right now, the red herring, the bright spotlight that Skittles wants us to pay attention to so that she can pull of her magic trick in the shadows

WELL I WILL NOT BE FOOLED

Patton may look just like Logan, Patton may be trans, Patton and Macy may both have hints at having healing powers, Patton’s mothers may have locked him up in order to keep him from being taken as well, Patton may have memory problems that point to Logan messing with his head, but look

...

...

The story of Patton being Macy goes as thus:

Patton/Macy (from here on known as Patcy) heals Damion’s broken arm and gets noticed by Dr. William. After a period of time, Logan notices that people are trying to take their sibling and alters people’s memories into thinking that it was him who healed the broken arm. They alter Patcy’s memories for...some reason, and Logan lets themself get taken to the facility in Patcy’s stead. Patcy’s mothers, lock them up to keep from losing another child. A few years later Pacty realizes their gender, Patton chooses his name, Roman saves him from his mothers and we hit the present day. Makes sense no?

W R O N G XD

There are a few details that stand out that this doesn’t answer: Patton’s bracelet and his habit of messing with it. Why Damion- disguised as Ms. Spencer- kept Patton and Virgil from meeting. Why did Logan need to erase Patton’s memories of him in the first place?

Patton as Macy makes the most sense and yet, when I think about it, it doesn’t feel right. I can’t shake the doubt and conviction that he’s not Macy

Which leaves us with Virgil or Logan

VIRGIL

I doubt Macy is Virgil.

There are a few things that could mean his is Macy: the fact that he’s gender fluid, the normal life he got to lead (s u p p o s e d l y there’s still the question of how he meet Logan, which means he isn’t all normal), Virgil’s family being connected to the facility somehow, the way that the two just click, that strange moment where Patton notes about two of his students looking alike but not being related, and Virgil insistence that Logan gets to live their life

And one other vague hint that Skittles has told me that I’m not sure I’m allowed to share that could swing as support or something to disprove Virgil = Macy I haven’t decided yet

But I don’t think he’s Macy. For a couple of reason. Logan claims that Macy would look like them, and it’s one of the few things that I trust. Virgil has an entire documented family history. Virgil has time based powers when Macy is connected to healing powers in some form. And then well

Moxiety is listed as one of the ships XD With the build up of Logan and Patton’s connection they have to be connected in some way which could make Moxiety a little,,, squicky depending on what that connection is. :p 

Which just leaves:

LOGAN

Yeah, you heard me. I think Logan is Macy. I know it’s probably not right but GDI I’m attached to the idea now that I have to lay my clones theory to rest, at least for now

Do I want it to be a complex conspiracy? Why yes, yes I do, I know it’s not likely but it’s fun to think about and I hope it amuses Skittles. Look I watch Game Theory for fun, I love MatPat but I doubt 90% of his theories are right XD They’re fun anyways. *coughs* I’m rambling back to my thoughts

I already established in my first theory post that I don’t think we can trust Logan completely about their own past. They erased something from it. The question is what? They remember Macy obviously, and taking her place.

And that’s what interests me the most. They took Macy’s place. The fist couple of files we see about them is a search for healing powers. Why? Why would they expect healing? I said family lines before but they clearly don’t show any knowledge of Logan having siblings until they slip up about Macy.

And then there’s the fact they couldn’t erase memories until they were about eleven. Which means that everything they did before that was alteration and not erasures. Whoever Patton was to Logan, they couldn’t have erased things completely, only changed them. And you know what’s interesting about that?

Patton’s comment about Damion

“He was almost like a brother to me”

That on top of Damion trying to keep Royality separate from Analogical, it makes me think that things are going on. Things(tm)

So the Logan as Macy story goes as thus:

There was a pair of twins, both of them female. One heals people with the touch of her hands, and the other can dip into their memories like a pool. One day they meet a boy who’s broken his arm. The one who can heal gets caught healing him.

They’re young, they don’t know what to do. Her sister panics, and refusing to let her sister get taken, swaps both of them. She writes away her existence from her sister’s mind, filling in the gaps with the boy they had helped or just plain emptiness. And then, to make sure that they cannot find her sister, she changes her own mind, putting herself in the place of her sister.

Macy guarantees her sister’s freedom by making sure that they’ll never learn the proper name and information about her. But she keeps the idea of her sister close, to take with her. And leaves her sister a bracelet, maybe not to remember her by, but as a hope that maybe one day they’ll meet again

The only thing I can’t figure out is the whole gender issue, which I figured Damion would help Logan hide but IDk about the rest BUT COME ON The rest of it makes sense!! 

So I stand by Logan is Macy XD

Though it still leaves

MACY

There are two options with this. Macy is simply herself, and Patton is himself, a coincidence that everyone built up. Or Macy doesn’t exist. And was simply someone Logan imagined in order to help him cope. Neither of which are likely at all 

BUT STILL POSSIBILITIES

ANYWAYS thanks for joining me in tin foil hat land again XD I hope y’all are enjoying this fic as much as I am and SKITTLES I’m excite for where you take it no matter where it goes!!

Keep up the good work and have an awesome day! <3

[theartofbeinganerd]

I love your blog and writing!!!! Thank you so much for sharing your awesome stories!!!! If you have time and like the prompt, would you be able to write a fic where Fitz and Deke are being protective of Jemma and worried about her after she gets hurt because she is being a bit reckless because Deke told her the future so now she thinks she’s invincible and won’t die until after she and Fitz raise their daughter.

Anon asked: Prompt: Jemma gets hurt on a mission after 5x15 and she has to get tests run on her and they find out she’s pregnant.

Anon asked: Hey! Thanks for taking the time to write and post all those amazing fics :) you are great. If you want (it's okay if you don't) would you please write a fic that addresses the issue that Jemma is the only one who can patch up the team, like what would happen if she gets hurt. Idk maybe someone letting Fitz out of confinement because he could use the knowledge of the framework to help her, or the team is force to come out of hiding to take her to a hospital or something angsty pleaaaase :)

Thank you so much, anons!! Now, I ended up combining all of these prompts since they were pretty similar, but if want something different, feel free to prompt me again!

((Also, as a side note, I’ve watched ten seasons of ER with my mom lately, and I was so tempted to name the surgeon at the end Dr. Corday, but I managed to retain some self-restraint, amazingly))

*Set post 5x15

(Ao3)

-

“Maybe I could just talk to Daisy –”

With a quiet sigh, Jemma paused in her stride down one of the halls of the Lighthouse, finally turning to face Deke, who had been trailing behind her since they’d left control. “Deke, you heard her; it’ll be more dangerous to bring anyone more than necessary.”

Deke planted his hands on his hips, pointing out a bit desperately, “Yeah, but – but I could just stay on the Zephyr, run back-end or something. Or, maybe if we just tell Daisy about us, she’ll let me come.”

Jemma gave a little shake of her head, smiling fondly and reaching out to squeeze Deke’s shoulder reassuringly. “You don’t know enough about the Zephyr to do that, remember? And, you know we agreed that now isn’t the right time; we’ve all got enough going on as it is. Besides, you’re needed here.”

“To do what? Just sit around waiting for you guys to come back?” he asked, frustrated by being sidelined, but more importantly, by not being able to stay by his grandmother’s side and make sure that she was alright at all times.

“Of course not; with the rest of us gone, you and Yo-Yo will be in charge.” Arching her eyebrows, she leveled a serious look at him. “We can trust you to be in charge, can’t we?”

Deke rolled his eyes with a bit more force than was strictly necessary, lowering his voice to remind her, “You may be my grandmother, but I’m not a kid you know.”

She chuckled softly, catching one of his hands to cradle it between both of hers. “Deke, I promise you, everything will be alright. We’re not even sure these coordinates are for real, and we may be back before you even know it; but, on the off chance that we really have found where Hale is hiding Coulson, I need to be there, just in case she’s done something to him.”

“Do you really think she would?” Deke asked, briefly sidetracked as he furrowed his brow worriedly. Sure, he hadn’t gotten off on the right foot with Coulson (or anyone on the team, really), but he wouldn’t want anything to happen to him – he was a pretty cool guy, as far as Deke was concerned.

Jemma chewed her bottom lip for a beat, then gave a little shrug. “I’m not sure. She does have someone working for her that’s extremely careless and reckless, which is worrying, but Piper’s still confident that Hale doesn’t want to hurt anyone.”

Deke supposed that that should’ve made him feel a bit better, but it really didn’t. Taking a half-step closer to her, he told her seriously (though a bit awkwardly – this was still new for both of them), “Just…be careful, okay?”

Her expression softened, and she gently squeezed his hand between hers, assuring him once more, “I’ll be fine, Deke. You know I will be.” With a soft laugh, she added teasingly, “I know that in protecting me, you’re protecting your own future, but I’m pretty good at taking care of myself, so don’t worry.” With that, she gently released his hand, turning to continue on her way to the hangar. However, she paused, possibly catching sight the frown now tugging his lips down at the corners. With another reassuring smile, she insisted firmly, “I’ll be alright, Deke.”

As Jemma then turned to leave, Deke watched her for a moment, a strange sense of foreboding filling him as he mumbled to himself, “That’s not it at all.”

-

It’d only been an hour since the Zephyr had departed from the base, but Deke couldn’t help but be nervous as he waited in control for some indication of how things were going. Of course, he knew that the team had gone radio silent in order to be even less likely to be tracked by Hale, so he wouldn’t even hear from them until they were on their way back, but still, he found himself waiting anxiously for contact.

He was fine for awhile, but eventually he couldn’t sit still any longer, so he began pacing the length of the room, but it only took a short amount of time before he just couldn’t take the silence and the waiting any longer.

Instead, Deke began wandering the base, trying to find something to take his mind off of worrying, most likely needlessly, about Jemma out in the field for a little bit.

However, he didn’t quite expect to find that subconsciously, his feet had led him right to the hall that led to where Fitz’s isolation room was.

Deke froze when the realization of where he was hit, glancing around in surprise and confusion, and a surge of trepidation filled him as he stared down the long hallway to where his grandfather was being held.

He knew that Jemma had shared the news with Fitz about who he was, but Deke hadn’t had a chance to talk to him in the handful of days since. Truthfully, he wasn’t really sure what to say to him, especially with everything that Fitz was going through at the moment; the last thing he wanted was to somehow make things worse.

For another few moments, Deke hesitated there, considering just turning around and focusing on Jemma for now, putting off going to visit Fitz for another day. But, then he blew out a breath, squared his shoulders, and began taking slow, measured steps forward until he was standing before the thick glass window.

Fitz’s back was to him, and he could see that he was idly flipping through the pages of a book, quickly enough that Deke knew he wasn’t really reading it.

He opened his mouth, but couldn’t quite bring himself to say anything at first, the words freezing on his tongue. Then, however, he took a breath and tried again, saying simply, “Hey.” He couldn’t help but cringe slightly, though, when the word came out hoarse.

Clearly startled, Fitz lowered the book, twisting around to look at Deke. He stared at him for a beat, then slowly set the book down the table beside him and got up from his chair, taking a half-step toward the window. “Hey.”

Awkwardly, Deke ran a hand over the back of his neck and let out an uncomfortable chuckle. “So, uh, should I call you grandpa, or…?”

Fitz’s eyebrows rose, and he let out a short huff of a laugh, shaking his head. “Absolutely not.” He paused, then slid his hands into his pockets, shifting a bit on his feet before he asked, “What…uh, what d’you call Jemma?”

Caught a bit off-guard by the question, Deke stumbled out the answer, “Oh, um, well, we haven’t really…talked about it. Not yet, at least. Haven’t had the time.”

Fitz nodded in understanding, then a long stretch of silence settled between them, neither seeming to really know quite what to say.

Deke had just decided to say something, to blurt out the first thing that he could think of, just to break the ice a little, when Fitz beat him to it, saying almost roughly, “Jemma told me about…about your mum, about what she told you.”

Nodding rapidly in reply, Deke hastily assured him, “Yeah! Yeah, definitely, she talked about you guys all the time. She thought you were like, the best parents ever.”

He’d hoped the confirmation would at least put a smile on Fitz’s face, but it seemed to do the exact opposite; Fitz made a bit of a face and dropped his gaze to the floor between them as he soaked in the words silently. Finally, though, he admitted lowly, “I don’t see how that’s possible. I don’t see how my daughter could ever look at me and see…see someone worthy of such love and admiration.”

Deke felt his eyes growing wide in his face, and he took an automatic step closer to the glass, shaking his head quickly as he insisted, “No, no, she really did. She loved you, so much. You were the greatest man that she ever knew.”

Fitz’s jaw clenched visibly, and he gave a jerky shake of his head, whirling around abruptly and slapping both hands down onto the table behind him, bending over and taking a deep, shaky breath.

Deke felt utterly helpless; he didn’t know what to do to help – he didn’t even really know Fitz. Usually, Jemma was there to place a soothing hand on his shoulder, to calm him simply with her touch, to whisper words of comfort in his ear until he relaxed a little.

Now (for the moment, at least), he was on his own. So, Deke tried his best to reassure Fitz, absently placing both hands on the glass as he told him, “Everything’s gonna be okay, don’t you see? This is just…it’s temporary, it’ll get better –”

“It can’t possibly get better,” Fitz cut him off to grit out tightly, “not after the things I’ve done. We’re more than a team, Deke. We’re more than friends – we’re a family, and I betrayed their trust, don’t you understand? I’ll never be the man that your mum described; I don’t deserve to be seen as that man.”

Unable to let this continue, Deke didn’t think, he just typed in the pass code that Jemma had entrusted him with, opening the door and stepping into the room. He went right up to Fitz, hesitating for only a second before placing a hand on his shoulder. Lowly, confidently, he told him, “You do deserve it. I mean, I haven’t known you that long, but I’ve seen the man that my mom spoke so fondly of in you, and I know that’s who you really are. You’ll come out the other side of this and…and be the father that your daughter needs.”

Fitz blew out a long, slow breath, then turned his head to peer at Deke, giving a little shake of his head. With a tiny, disbelieving smile, he reminded him, “How could you possibly think that? I’ve been nothing but short-tempered with you since we met.”

Deke shrugged at that, chuckling as he pointed out, “Ah, well, someone’s gotta keep me in line, I guess. My mom always said that if she didn’t keep an eye on me, I’d be likely to just run wild.”

Letting out a quiet laugh, Fitz straightened back up and absently ran a hand through his hair. “Well, I’ll…I’ll try to be a bit more patient. Jemma’s always telling me to slow down and take a breath before I get overwhelmed and upset, but…our deadlines are a little more pressing these days than they were back in school.” He paused, then asked Deke once more, a tad unsurely, “She really was happy? That I was her dad? I mean, she’d be the luckiest kid alive to have Jemma as a mum, but…”

“She couldn’t have asked for anyone better – when it came to both of her parents,” Deke promised seriously, making sure that Fitz met his eyes so that he could see that he meant it.

Fitz released a shaking breath, then nodded once, and Deke was pretty sure that he still didn’t quite believe it, but he wasn’t deterred; he was going to make sure that he did.

Changing the subject abruptly, Fitz asked with a fond chuckle, “Was Jemma the one to send you down here? She seemed pretty keen on us getting to know each other better the last time we spoke.”

The innocuous question suddenly reminded Deke about the mission that the team had left on hours ago now, focusing on one grandparent apparently pushing the other to the back of his mind temporarily. Concern filling him, he grasped Fitz’s wrist and turned it to glance at the time on his watch, his eyes going wide as he swore under his breath. “She went out with the others to – they were trying to find Coulson, but they…they should’ve been back by now, or at least made some kind of contact.”

Fitz’s expression went startlingly blank, and he immediately began peppering Deke with questions about when they left, where they were going, who went with her. But, before he could answer a single one of them, the intercom crackled to life in the hall, and a voice could be heard echoing throughout the base, “All available agents please report to the hangar immediately.”

Deke felt his heart stop in his chest, just briefly, and he promised Fitz hurriedly, already stepping back toward the door, “I’ll be back to let you know what’s going on as soon as I can!”

“Wait, no!” Fitz called after him, but Deke wasn’t thinking of anything but getting to Jemma, his entire concentration narrowing to making sure that she was okay as he shut the door of the containment room behind him, rushing through the halls until he was skidding to a stop just inside the hangar.

The Zephyr was back in its usual place, and the ramp was already down, and at first he couldn’t see anyone and his heart was racing erratically in his chest. Then, Daisy and May were striding quickly down the ramp, followed almost immediately by Mack. They were all splattered with blood here and there, but Deke barely took note of it, because then he noticed that Mack was carrying a limp Jemma in his arms.

She looked so small, so pale, and there was blood soaking her shirt, and Deke was almost sure that he was going to be sick.

The first person to reach him was Daisy, and he hastily reached out to grasp her arm, demanding shakily, “What – what happened?”

She tried to shake his hand off, insisting tightly, “We don’t have time, Deke; we need to get Jemma to medical.”

But, Deke refused to let go, repeating more firmly, “Daisy, what the hell happened?”

Daisy blew out a short, tense breath, then finally told him curtly, “Simmons got shot, alright? Let me go now.”

Deke’s hand grew limp, enough that it fell from Daisy’s arm, and she moved to flank Mack with May as he carried Jemma to the gurney some other agents already had waiting for them. Jemma whimpered in obvious pain as she was set down, her face scrunching up with it, and it snapped Deke out of the stupor that he’d briefly slipped into.

He rushed to catch up with them as they began moving in the direction of the medical wing, and he noticed pretty quickly that Daisy and one of the other SHIELD agents that he didn’t know the name of were arguing under their breath, though he couldn’t make any of it out.

That was, until Daisy asked sharply, “What do you mean no one?”

Unable to quite keep the desperation out of his voice, and beyond caring now if they all knew who he was and how he was connected to Jemma, Deke demanded, “What’s wrong?”

Daisy shot him a look, but didn’t say anything, so May told him tersely, “We don’t have another doctor here; it’s just Simmons.”

“May and I did the best we could on the way back here with what little we’ve picked up over the years,” Mack added, “but it’s not enough.”

Deke was grasping at straws then, eyes constantly flicking to Jemma, and up close, he could now see the once sterile white dressing on her chest, blood now soaking through it, more and more by the second. He pointed out almost frantically, “Fitz is a doctor too, right?”

“No,” Daisy said instantly, her eyes narrowing.

May shook her head at him, replying lowly, “It’s not the same thing.”

“Can’t you at least let him try?” Deke asked, unable to believe that no one was going to do anything.

Before anyone could say anything, though, they finally reached the medical wing, where Elena had apparently been waiting for them, as she joined them then, her eyes going wide as she took in the sight of Jemma. “What happened?”

Jemma was brought into the closest room, and May went through the process of getting her attached to the various monitors waiting there straight away.

Mack sighed heavily, crossing his arms over his chest, where there was a large bloodstain across his shirt – Jemma’s blood – and he finally answered Elena, “Simmons got hit when we came under fire.”

“Why isn’t anyone doing anything?” Deke questioned loudly. “We have to help her!” When no one said anything, a tense silence settling in the room, he shook his head and said decisively, “I’m going to get Fitz.”

“No!” Daisy immediately argued, taking an automatic step in his direction, as though to stop him herself.

Holding up his hands in exasperation, Deke told her, “Look, I’ll take responsibility, but we need him, alright? Do you want her to die because of something that she had no control over?”

Daisy clearly hesitated, glancing between Jemma and Deke, but then she said tightly, “I’m coming with you.”

Not waiting to even make sure that she was behind him, Deke took off at a run, making a direct beeline for Fitz’s room. He came to an abrupt halt outside of it, briefly catching sight of Fitz pacing tensely through the window before he typed in the code with trembling fingers, throwing open the door and telling Fitz urgently, “Come with us.”

Fitz just briefly glanced over his shoulder, no doubt at Daisy, before he wordlessly followed the direction, hurrying out of the room and following Deke as he began rushing back toward the medical wing.

As they were running, Fitz asked him breathlessly, “What’s going on?”

However, Deke just shook his head, unable to say the words, to be the one to tell him. “Just…you’ll see.”

They burst back into the room, and Fitz sucked in a sharp breath, instantly going to Jemma’s side, as though pulled there by some magnetic force. He grasped her hand in his, studying her with narrowed eyes before asking in a low, deceptively calm voice, “How long as she been unconscious?”

“About twenty minutes,” Mack answered behind him, “she was awake for about ten minutes after, but not really alert, and then she was just out.”

Fitz soaked that in for a long moment, then demanded to know, “Why isn’t anyone doing a damn thing?”

“Simmons is our doctor, Fitz. You know that,” May reminded him, one hand keeping pressure on Jemma’s wound, but the other curled tightly at her side, her lips pressed into a firm line with what appeared to Deke to be helplessness, though he never knew when it came to May.

Fitz swallowed visibly, his jaw tensing, and Deke asked him urgently, “Can’t you…?”

But, Fitz shook his head in reply, muttering, “I’ve only assisted Jemma on medical procedures, and never anything like this.” There was a beat, then he looked up to meet May’s eyes across the bed and said, leaving no room for arguments, “She needs a hospital.”

“Whoa, Turbo,” Mack put in, arching his eyebrows in surprise, “that’s too dangerous.”

“If we don’t get her some help, she’ll die, Mack,” Fitz reminded him sharply. His voice was thick with tears and emotion, and his hands were shaking where they were cradling Jemma’s, his fingers distractedly playing with her wedding ring. “I won’t put anyone else in the line of fire, but…but I’m taking Jemma, consequences be damned – I’ll take them, whatever they are, as long as she’s okay.”

Not missing a beat, Deke said quickly and firmly, “I’ll come with you.”

Fitz glanced up at him sharply, giving a quick shake of his head. “No. No, you need to stay here. The more of us that leave the base, the more likely it is that we’ll be discovered.”

“I’m not letting you go alone,” Deke insisted, holding up a hand when Fitz opened his mouth, “and we don’t have time to argue.”

May looked conflicted and more than a little upset by the turn that things had taken, but it was Daisy that finally whispered, “Alright.” Without quite meeting Fitz’s eyes, she handed him a packet of fresh gauze for Jemma’s wound, telling him, “We’ll get you as close as we can and keep an eye on the local police. If they…if they find out anything, we’ll try to let you know as soon as possible, maybe get you guys out before…”

Fitz nodded in understanding, opening the gauze after a few false starts, his hands trembling almost too much to get the job done, before he pressed it over the old, ruined gauze covering Jemma’s wound.

There was a flurry of activity, and then they were on a quinjet, and even though he didn’t look up from Jemma, Fitz said once more, keeping his voice low, “You shouldn’t leave the Lighthouse, Deke, Jemma wouldn’t – she wouldn’t want you to put yourself at risk for her.”

“Yeah, well, someone’s gotta be there to intervene when she finds out that you did,” Deke pointed out, trying to force at least an ounce levity into his tone and trying not to stare for too long at the sweat on Jemma’s forehead and the pained twist of her lips, at the blood leaking out between Fitz’s fingers.

And even though Deke was pretty sure that May overheard their exchange, given the strange, knowing way that she was peering at him when the quinjet landed as close to the local hospital as possible, he couldn’t focus on that just now.

Things went quickly from the time that they arrived at the hospital; Jemma was led away on a gurney and Fitz filled out some paperwork with fits and starts, blinking rapidly, and Deke figured that he was trying to fill in what he could with how little they could offer.

But, then abruptly, everything seemed to slow to a crawl, and they were left pacing in a plain white hallway and the lights were too bright and the whole place just smelled too clean, and Deke hadn’t been this scared since his mother didn’t come home one night to tuck him in for bed.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, a woman in medical scrubs stepped out of the room that they’d taken Jemma into, pulling a cap off of her head and running a hand through her hair. She spotted Fitz and Deke on the other side of the hall, and stepped toward them, asking, “Mr. McCrae?”

Deke felt a wave of confusion at that, but Fitz just nodded and stepped forward, questioning worriedly, “How is she?”

“I’m Dr. Hopkins; I’m the surgeon that worked on your wife,” the woman explained. “She was extremely lucky – the bullet just managed to miss her lung.”

Fitz breathed out a sharp breath, bending over just a bit as though he physically couldn’t take the relief. Deke himself let out a little breath, closing his eyes and tipping his head back, almost dizzy with his own relief.

“She did lose quite a bit of blood before you got her here,” Dr. Hopkins informed them, “but we gave her a transfusion.” When Deke opened his eyes, he saw the surgeon reaching out to give Fitz’s shoulder a brief squeeze, smiling warmly as she told him, “Your wife and baby are just fine, Mr. McCrae.”

“Oh thank god,” Fitz murmured, and Deke had a small smile curving his lips – but then Fitz straightened up abruptly, almost choking out, “Baby?”

“What?” Deke asked, his eyebrows flying up his forehead.

Dr. Hopkins was very obviously caught off-guard by their reactions, asking Fitz in surprise, “You didn’t know?”

“Um, no,” Fitz replied firmly, still very much in shock as he absently dragged a trembling hand through his hair.

“A pregnancy test is required for any woman of child-bearing age before we perform x-rays or surgery of any kind,” Dr. Hopkins explained, “it’s hospital policy.”

Fitz released a heavy breath, leaning up against the nearest wall. Deke’s gaze strayed then to the window that showed into Jemma’s room, his eyes wide as he took in his grandmother, still unconscious and now wearing a medical gown, hooked up to a heart monitor that displayed a comfortingly steady rhythm.

Knowing that right at that moment, his mother was growing inside of her…it struck him breathless, and he had to reach out to steady himself against the wall as well.

-

Sometime later, Deke and Fitz were sitting in Jemma’s hospital room, perched in uncomfortable plastic chairs on either side of her bed as they waited for the to wake up, the pain meds that had kept her under while they were working on her still lingering in her system.

They were both still more than a little stunned, and Deke noticed that Fitz’s gaze was drifting down to Jemma’s stomach every few minutes, awe and disbelief obvious in his expression, though there was also a bit of fear and apprehension written there as well.

The air in the room was tense, and trying to take his mind off of how he could’ve easily lost his grandmother and his mother and any chance for a future that day, Deke asked him, “Why, uh, why ‘McCrae’?”

Fitz blinked once, glancing up at Deke as though he’d forgotten that he was there. He dragged a hand over his face, letting out a small sigh before he finally explained quietly, “It’s my mum’s maiden name – it was the first thing I could think of.”

Deke nodded absently, taking that in, then he nodded to Jemma. “What’d you tell them her name was?”

Letting out a little chuckle, Fitz jerked his chin toward Jemma, saying, “Anne,” then lifted one hand to gesture to himself, “James.” When Deke tilted his head curiously, he clarified, “They’re our middle names.”

Sitting up suddenly, Deke asked in surprise, “Really?” Fitz frowned at his reaction, nodding, and Deke arched his eyebrows, blinking a couple of times and letting out a surprised laugh. “My middle name’s James too!”

Just as Fitz was gaping at him, a quiet and hoarse voice spoke up between them, “Your mum’s got good taste.” Instantly, both Deke and Fitz focused back on a now-awake Jemma, each one picking up one of her hands, and she laughed quietly. “You’re both looking at me as though I’m a ghost or something, you know.”

Fitz shot her a disbelieving look, pointing out, “Jem, you really…you scared us. Don’t ever do that again, yeah?”

“I’ll do my best,” she replied in a murmur, and Deke caught sight of her thumb rubbing soothing circles over the back of one of his hands. It paused, though, when she happened to glance around, frowning. “Are we…are we in a hospital?”

“Yeah,” Deke answered, wincing slightly. “And I wish somehow had warned me about all the sick people and that clean smell.”

Jemma offered him a weak smile, then turned to Fitz and whispered, “That bad?” When he released a shaking breath, nodding, she blinked, glancing down her body. “I…I felt the shot, and I knew that it hadn’t hit my heart or my aorta. I wasn’t sure about my lungs, but…well, then things got a bit fuzzy before I could properly place it.”

Silence settled between the three of them for a beat, but Deke broke it to point out, “You promised me that you’d be fine, remember?”

She rolled her eyes, a little smile ticking her lips up at the corners. “I’m sorry, Deke. But, I can’t imagine that I ever could’ve predicted that this would happen.” With another blink of sudden realization, she quickly turned to look at Fitz in startled shock. “Wait, what are you – you shouldn’t be –”

Fitz shook his head, assuring her, “Daisy let me out. Well, at least, Deke talked her into it –”

“No,” Jemma cut him off, “not that; what are you doing out here? They have our pictures, our names – they could find us and…and put you back in prison, Fitz.”

Fitz pointedly ignored the ‘I told you so’ look that Deke shot at him, scoffing and lifting her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of it. “You’re not the self-proclaimed genius I’ve always known you to be if you really think that I’d be anywhere but by your side, Jem.” Nodding his head in Deke’s direction, he added, “Tried to get him to stay, though, but he apparently felt the same way – and apparently felt that he didn’t have to listen to his elders.”

When Jemma then glanced at Deke, he simply offered her a weak smile and a shrug.

“As soon as you’re well enough to leave, we’re gonna get you back to the Lighthouse,” Fitz went on. “Daisy’s keeping an eye on the local police for us, and is gonna give us a head’s up if they catch wind of us being here.”

She breathed out a quiet breath, nodding in understanding, and Deke promised her seriously, “We’ll be with you the whole time, though, no matter what.”

Smiling warmly up at him, Jemma murmured, “Thank you, Deke.”

A knock on the door interrupted their conversation then, and the doctor that had taken over for Dr. Hopkins came in. She smiled at the sight of Jemma, awake and alert, greeting her, “Ah, good evening, Mrs. McCrae, I’m Dr. Walsh. How are you feeling?”

Deke noticed Jemma shooting a subtle look at Fitz, no doubt for the name, but answered the doctor without missing a beat, “I’ve been better, quite honestly.”

Dr. Walsh chuckled as she flipped through Jemma’s chart, saying absently, “I don’t know if your husband’s had a chance to tell you yet, but you and your baby are going to be just fine.”

At first, Jemma simply replied, “Oh good,” but Deke knew the exact moment that she realized what the doctor had said; she sat up straight in her bed, hissing under her breath as it likely pulled at her fresh wound, and swatted away Fitz’s hovering hands. He caught sight of Fitz wincing, just before Jemma asked sharply, “My what?”

Perhaps they should’ve brought that up first.

[shytiff]

June Small Wins

1 - ecmocard meeting with ppl from aussie to learn to sort out data. Felt better after the meeting cause i didnt feel like doing anything before. Got two season deli box cake from dapur cokelat for nessa. Videocalled w her and ren.

2 - dr eva chatted and gave things to do. I also need to make intern log for dr retha. I just cant bring myself to start. Finally mustered the courage. Im not the type of person for wfh. At least in this house. Finished reading love or hate. I rly felt like shit at night.

3 - started reading positively yours. Had no will to do anything

4 - some more sending spss work for dr eva. weekdays with no “outside work” rly render me useless in functioning. a vegetable

5 - iluni webinar. Lost my attention during electrolyte and fluid stuff. tried to cook ribeye steak lmao (meat from @/fridaymeatshop). Its too chewy and leathery. But its not too welldone. And at least it tastes good. Went to depok by krl. its quite quick since krl arrived just after im at poris and duri. went ahead of silvi devi. satpam on the lobby wont open the access hhhh (i dont have one. i dunno why. mom said she cant find it although we supposedly have 2). but my mood improved once im upstairs. we prepped a bit of deco. conversed in the dark so not to make racheel suspicious. surprisee. had truffle belly chicken cheese for dinner. the cheese was not to cheesy, its more of a gentle taste. mushroom tastes better. we watched sweet and sour from my mobile data. surprisingly, its not that much of data. slept at like 12-1ish

6 - the electric token went out in the morning. we went for a walk in ui. the PLK man across of st ui forbade us from going in. ugh. but it was rly empty. so we went from barel. its empty on the library. there was a dog that walked along with us. talked a bit in front of the lake. went back. i got 2 moon chicken (the basic flavor and not the wings) and spicy jumeokbap. the jumeokbap was nothing like what i had in korea. like the seaweed’s taste doesnt come out that much, and its not that flavorful/savory. the one in korea its good even by itself. went back to jkt nebeng reza silvi with devi. originally planned to go to flavola, but my head kinda hurts, so i finished my moon chicken at the mushola and asked juan to pick me up. still feel healthy and normal after going and staying out, so i started reading a book abt handwriting analysis lmaoo. fell asleep. tried several attempts to figure out my bpjs number and turns out the best there is to respond is BPJS’ twitter. the problem was solved under 5 mins. 

7 - woke up, fell asleep again. Adita told me that i might be interviewed today for the ipd intern but theres no info. Did the registration stuff for my bpjs. Registered for npwp. Watched bts x na pd

8 - off to RSF. its audit day today. hiks to phonecall follow up work. i did not do anything inaco related, i just sat there and did dr dafsah’s excel. dr vera bought me pecel ayam hehe yay. went to como park to meet up with indah regen. tried ricotta pizza from pizza place (33k). the cheese is cheese but not that typical cheesy (?) coupled with mushroom. i had to add sauce to withstand the last bites (still kinda full). tried other’s as well, pesto and mushroom. pesto had the most taste. while waiting for doggo to arrive, we bought gelato (S: 35k). apparently their special flavor was ricotta lmao. tried green tea (bitter, which i like) and peanut butter + caramel, which makes you feel thirsty. watched the doggos from the sidelines. after maghrib we went to 1/15. ordered ice mocha (50k). the chocolate taste stood out more. not gonna order again lol. the staff initially recommended pandan flavor. took grab to gbk station to go home.

9 - rsf. second audit day. i hate it here lmao. im not even paid for my time here. excused myself to eat. turns out mbak Ai bought hokben. i almost forgot thanking her since i felt hungry with a bit of headache. talked a bit with dr retha regarding changes of assistant (since internship is soon). went back and immediately laid down in bed. mom bought pizza so thats what i ate for dinner. fell asleep (i can feel it. my face will get consequences)

10 - cant bring myself to do anything. i reread painter of the night lmao. seungho is a prick. inhun is also a prick (a greedy one). ate arirang bone marrow. put the egg-seasoning mixture to the pan since im not confident enough to just pour boiling water into the bowl. felt surprisingly full. went to sbux. green tea latte as usual. but turns out tumblr 50% promo only applies to sbux member. so i had to pay 40k for my green tea latte. at least i got to feel good from outside vibes. did some follow up for INACO patients. 

11 - went to rm rsf. Took lots of photos of RM. I was given rujak by the rm staff lmaoo so cute. Didnt do any entry afterwards lmao i just laid down

12 - breakfast is paldo jjajangmen and egg. It tasted like soy. Its good but not in a micin way. Its quite fulfilling. Had some of the beef slices by putting it in a buttered pan (is it pan fried? Grilled? Idk). Had banana and brownies together (makes it rly good). Did a bit of clires work. I drank sbux's caramel macchiato but yall my stomach cant handle it lmao. It hurts so much that i even got a headache. So i just laid down in bed

13 - had arirang again loll. Inserted the egg to the pan still, but quicker this time. Its too salty today. Maybe its not enough water. I was eating it while googling how to remove excess sodium. Ate the rest of beef slices (shared with bros ofc) and mixed some with moms fried rice. Ate banana brownies again. Felt soooo full. Did some clires work accompanied by sbux matcha

14 - i felt like shit this morning. Watched leahs vid. Listened to her podcast while having bfast. I walked from moms car to bougenville while still feeling like shit. It slowly gets better afterwards, thankfully. Did some clires and follow up. Went to gandy steak in dr retha's car (which had anesthesiology textbook inside). Tried aus sirloin steak. The bread tasted ok. The garlic bread also ok. The mashed potato was so so (the one in depok was more creamy and smooth). The steak was good, especially the fat part, the sauce so so. Honestly that depok steak had more value for money compared to this, i think. Nebeng dr rara and husband to busway station. Arrived in ar and i immediately showered, such wow 👏👏

15 - today is no rsf day aka self made wfh day. Moms getting vaccinated today. I just lazed. And read kanej fics

16 - off to rsf. Took care of rm stuff. Tried social affair's croffle since i was so curious (60k [10k tip]). The nutella and cinnamon sugar one. Its crunchy and a bit crumbly inside, but not as fragile as croissant. Its quite fulfilling too. But its basically flour batter variations. (thats what mom would say). randomly chatted racheel and we ended up taking a walk and a bit of jog citra 6 (with my sneakon regular shoes). My left tendon was screaming lol. Picked up by juan who surprisingly effortlessly found the address at night.

17 - mbak aan chatted me today to go to rscm. Met prof murdani at pesc and he gave me ppt assigment for 13:30 THAT DAY. Finished it unsatisfyingly (i wish i couldve done more). Lunch was free bebek bkb yay thankyou Prof c: (he even asked what did i ate) took care of legalisir stuff. Went home by tj. Drank matcha w vsoy and i somehow was not sleepy after maghrib. I also changed my desj layout. Maybe it kinda works to separate my spaces

18 - arrived at rscm at 8-ish. sent updated thibbun nabawi ppt. literature search. and then somehow its 14:30. went to SCI w ara wani rasyid. tried bandeng nyonya, oyster, salmon, cumi lada garam (its crazy good among all the good tasting food wtff), shrimp and pocai telor (veggie stuff). dessert was thailand cassava. spent about 190k. went back by TJ. had wudu at pulomas and prayed ashar on the bus lol. i passed out after playing w my phone lmaoo  

19 - spent almost the whole day just sleeping and eating. finally showered in the afternoon. had matcha vsoy latte after maghrib and with enough day sleeping, i did presentation outline. at like 1/2 am i initially planned to sleep but my eyes still have plenty of watts. so i read hold me tight. slept at like 4/5 am

20 - woke up at 9. off to om dokter’s house to ask for healthy letter. we talked almost the entire time im there lol. before u know it mom and dad’s done talking with grandma. om dokter shared some of his experiences in the past. and he said something about making your choice and living with it, and it will all have a meaning even if you might initially agonize about it. girl i was holding back tears. here he was talking about choices, something i never rly talk about at my house. im getting teary just typing this. he talked about it in a way that sounds simple, even though i agonized abt internship choices and sometimes avoid thinking about it. it rly rly was a new experience. i dont rly talk about “choices” with my parents. so hearing how to go through options in life from a person i can relate to regarding this med stuff is. i feel like i would have loved it if i can hear his wisdom earlier. i dont talk with him much if my parents are around bcs they will just meddle and say stuff that wreck my peace. they dont rly know what im going through but can be very opinionated. this peaceful one on one talk rly made me feel relieved and reassured. and i was today years old when i found out he initially wanted to be a psychiatrist. he would have been a great psychiatrist. i feel like we have some understanding thats left unsaid. like he knows how my parents are like. he would probably understand why i dont talk with him much at AR. after what feels super quick, we went back to AR. registered for STR. searched some literature for the topics that Prof is the moderator of. powered by matcha energy

21 - rscm as usual. the Prof did not come. lunch was bread i brought from home. waited for mom to pick me up at kfc so i bought pukis kfc. its like properly made pukis and not the street seller made ones. the chocolate one was good since the toppings generous. felt a bit feverish? like my body felt warm. fell asleep and then suddenly its 6 am in the morning. 

22 - Prof still did not came. had amart’s ayam penyet jamur for lunch. turns out juan bought ayam geprek gendut for dinner. night time is diarrhea time lmaooooo. did not feel sleepy at AR but i skipped shower again lmao,,,,,,,, and then suddenly its morning again

23 - jajan from sisterfield today. tried their carrot cake and kopi susu gula aren. the carrot cake has that carrot texture. its different. the icing was fresh cream cheese that made the cake taste good. the coffee made my stomach ache a bit. it has that subtle chocolatey taste. fell asleep again. third time’s the charm (of 1x/day face wash). woke up at 3 am planning to sleep but i ended up washing my face. turns out atikah was still awake due to AZ fever.

24 - this is the bestest sleep i had in this week (?) had a dream about going to bandung and the car falling to water. forgot my headset today. can finally meet prof Mur. talked abt inaco stuff w agassi. reread komugi meruem lmaoo. felll asleep. somehow had the misfortune of hearing dad’s hurtful words to mom. i want to fall asleep again but its difficuly. i went through stages of pent up anger, some sort of selfishness (i will go out from jakarta for internship), amazement to mom, and... (continue 2moro)

25 - lunch was dori rice from kanprim thanks to rasyid’s jastip. watched bts’ butter norebang lolll :(((. arrived at AR the fastest ive been. mom came to me right before maghrib and  summed some stuff dad said yesterday. she handled it in a trivial way. like she was unaffected. and that somehow helped me too. stuck around in the dining room for a while after maghrib. talked about internship w mom. i left some chance for dad to yap yap abt whatever related to internship (thankfully songs were full volume through my wireless headset) while im inhaling through my matcha latte. i wont write what he said bcs its lowkey super embarrassing. thank the gods for wireless speakers. 

26 - did not do anything productive today. Had arirang salted egg for bfast (wont repurchase). Had the meat cubes i bought online and its rly good. Ran with racil at citra 6. The tendon in my left feet hurt lol. Gmeet with ara et al to discuss internship review

27 - lazed. Wanted to start my day early but couldnt bring myself to. Binge watched twoset videos. Did clires stuff. 1 more RM to wait from IRMIK. No gastro intern work this weekend aaaa im starting to panic.

28 - juan came along otw to rscm. Talked about iship otw. brought tons of stuff to eat, including matcha latte, but i was unable to finish it lol. Discussed research budgeting w Prof. Didnt do anything in home. Starting to panic with my ppt progress.

29 - discussed budgeting revision. Prof thought abt little details i didnt even consider. Didnt do anything while at ar anjengggg

30 - prof did not come to dept today. Listemed to agassi rambling abt intern stuff. Immediately opened my laptop in ar. Watched two set. Played marapets lmaooo i finally managed to gather 3 au for shop pricer. But still didnot wash my face 👁️👄🤦‍♀️ maybe bcs i hate doing what people tells me to do (re: shower due to covid scare). Had a nightmare abt being in a car ride alone w dad and it was rly rly awkward

[eloiseduval]

us and only us

a/n: WEDDING. LOVE. ROMANCE. here it is, in all of its subpar glory. seriously, I struggled so much writing this fic??? idk if it shows, but I hope you enjoy reading either way. @nathaniel-schreave thanks for this last rp!!! this is it!!! the end!!!! @camille-marshall thanks for the rp (CAMERIC) and I’m sorry I couldn’t put it in (EVEN THOUGH CAMERIC IS THE CUTEST. seriously guys. marshall’s ending is,,,, perfection. I may have assisted with it a little yeet) also, reading on, you will see an unexpected development in the neloise story, but good for the ~drama.~ more thanks to g&c for coming up with it hehe. IT’S BEEN FUN GUYS, thanks for letting me share eloise’s story <3 word count: 2171

No longer being a Selected was… strange.

It was, at least, at first. I kept expecting Marshall to pop up in the Women’s Room just to say hi, or Clove to rope me into another one of her elaborate plans, probably tossing a pillow at me from across the room.

But I adjusted, albeit with some minor bumps. Collette and Nate’s mother were  a huge help, both with lessons and planning a wedding.

A wedding, I laughed to myself, scrolling through my phone in the princess suite. It was still strange to think of myself as “getting married,” but whenever I pictured Nate standing at the end of aisle with one of his dopey grins, all of my anxiousness seemed to fade away. Getting cheesier every day, Duval.

I didn’t notice when the said prince walked into the suite. I was sprawled across the bed and too focused on the news of all of the past Selected to notice his worried expression, at first.

“Um, sweetie.”

My gaze was still on my screen when I asked, “What’s up?” Glancing up, I immediately noticed his tense expression, my brows drawing together in worry and sitting up fully. “What’s wrong?”

He stepped over, sitting next to me on the edge of the bed. “I-I have to become king.”

I reared back, shocked. “You— what? Now?”

“You know how my father is still recovering from his… accident.”

Even now, the topic was still difficult for Nate to discuss. A few months after the end of the Selection, Nate’s parents were in a car accident. Queen Au— No, Aubrey, sustained only minor injuries. As for the king… After being diagnosed with a compressed spine, he had lost practically any ability to walk. It was a tense time around the palace, and while he slowly began to recover, he still had a long road ahead of him.

“Well he has decided that he shouldn’t work anymore and is resigning as king,” Nate continued, “And he...he thinks I’m ready.” He glanced over at me, tears brimming his eyes and looking utterly terrified. “Honey, I’m not ready, I can’t do this.”

I moved closer and put one gentle hand on the side of his face. I felt like my world had been shifted off its axis but I knew in this moment, Nate needed reassurance more than I did. All of his fears were suddenly coming true.

“Oh Nate.” I looked into his eyes for a moment, searching for the right words to comfort him. “I know this isn’t what you expected, but you can do it, I have every faith in you.”

His eyes shifted to his lap. “I can’t, I can’t.” He shook his head, glancing back up at me and biting his lip. “I’m scared.”

I brought my other hand up to cup his face. “It’s okay to be scared, alright? But you have me and so many others to help you. You’ve been preparing for this all your life, there’s no one better suited for the job. I promise you’ll be able to do this and you know I never break my promises.”

At my words, a bit of the tension seemed to leave his shoulders, nodding in agreement. “I know. I love you so much. I love you more than anything that’s ever existed. I hope you know that.”

A smile tugged at my lips. “You’re a little cheesy you know.”

“Oh, shut up. I know you love it.” He leaned in and pressed his lips against my own, only to lean back after a moment and mumble, “This means you have to become queen.”

I sucked in a shaky breath, taking my hands back and clasping them firmly in my lap. “I know.” I tried to smile with confidence, but he saw right through it. We weren’t supposed to ascend for years, after countless more lessons and experience to help guide us. How was I supposed to be queen in the next few months?

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want it to be this early. I thought we still had years.” He let out an anxious breath. “This is going to be tough.” That’s an understatement.

“I knew what this life meant when it came to being with you. But you're right it... it won't be easy.” I ran a hand through for my hair only for him to reach out and catch it, squeezing it comfortingly. In that one action I felt the steady reassurance he was always able to bring. Together, we would manage.

“I’m sorry.” His apology help so much depth, and I could see in his eyes the burden this would bring for the both of us. It somehow softened the impact of the news.

“You don't have to apologize. I'm always here for you, no matter what that comes with.” He merely curled his lips in and nodded in response. “We'll be alright,” I reassured, squeezing his hand. He returned the gesture, the fear in his eyes at bay for now.

“Yes we will.”

“I’m going to cry.”

“Alex.”

“I am! It’s happening, you can’t stop it.”

I rolled my eyes in response to my brother’s dramatic “crying,” which involved him dabbing the sleeve of his suit against his eyes, wiping away invisible tears.

“You look beautiful, Elle,” my dad interrupted, stepping in front of me and taking both of my hands to look me up and down. I could hear the photographer clicking away, trying to capture these candid moments before the ceremony.

I smiled, glancing down at the white lace. “You like it?” The dress had been a nightmare to choose, none of them exactly right until the very last option, an off the shoulder, long sleeve gown that fit like a glove.

He could only nod, actual tears filling his own eyes. I bit my lip, trying to push down the swell of emotion. “Dad,” I whispered, pulling him into a hug.

“He’s the only one,” he said into my ear.

My brows knit together. “What?”

Pulling away, he wiped a stray tear from his cheek and regained his composure. “The only one I could have let you go to.” My expression softened, touched at his approval. Nate and I already knew my dad liked him, but my soon to be husband would be over the moon when I told him about this moment.

“Thank you,” was all I could manage to say, hugging him one last time before we were ushered off to the entrance of The Great Room by the ever prompt Lady Collette. There was some shuffling as we lined up in our designated pairs, the first being Mal and Charlie. When the grand doors opened, my dad and I stepped off to the side to be out of sight from the guests until it was our turn. Once the first stepped through, they were followed by Jace and Quinn, Giselle and Max, Katrina and Alex, and finally Brooks and Clove.

It was then I felt the first real flutter of nerves.

Preparations had all been so hectic for both the coronation and wedding I barely had a chance to realize that this was my wedding day. Suddenly my dad was tugging my arm, guiding me to the entrance of the room, the ring bearer and flower girl long gone. In a flash I was walking down the aisle, recognizing that I was smiling far too widely and focused on Nate who had begun to tear up at the sight of me.

The ceremony passed by in a joyful blur, only the most important bits sticking out in my memory. Our vows to each other were one of those moments.

One of Nate’s hands was gripping mine, the other holding a piece of paper as he began. “I, Nathaniel, do pledge you, Eloise, my love, for as long as I live. What I possess in this world, I give to you. I will keep you and hold you, comfort and tend you, protect you and shelter you, for all the days of my life.

The tears returned to his eyes as he continued. “I love you unconditionally and without hesitation. I vow to love you, encourage you, trust you, and respect you. As a family, we will create a home filled with learning, laughter, and compassion. I promise to work with you to foster and cherish a relationship of equality knowing that together we will build a life far better than either of us could imagine alone. We are not only going to grow old together, but to grow together.

Before moving on, he curled his lips in to look from the paper at me, wiping away the tears that had fallen. “Today, I choose you to be my wife. I accept you as you are, and I offer myself in return. I will care for you, stand beside you, and share with you all of life’s adversities and all of its joys from this day forward, and all the days of my life.”

I brushed away my own tears at his promises, so overcome with love for this man who I couldn’t believe I’d get to spend the rest of my life with. We smiled at each other, and when I was handed my own vows I realized that I didn’t need the speech I wrote ahead of time. Gazing into his eyes, I spoke from my heart.

“You know, I had a whole speech planned out but,” I shook my head, “I think I'm going to make just one promise, the one that truly matters. I vow to love you. I vow to love you through our life together, with our future family and until we're both old and grey. I vow to love you more than any obstacle or fight that comes our way and to be your equal partner in both marriage and royalty. I vow to love you so much that I'll never force you to go to the beach again because I know how much you hate it.” I let out a small, teary chuckle that earned a laugh from the audience. “But most of all, I vow to love you every day, every minute, and every moment we share for the rest of our lives.”

The priest moved on afterwards, the rings exchanged with even more heartfelt vows. It was another blur during his words until he said the words that /finally/ pronounced us husband and wife, Nate reaching out to cup my face and give me the first of a lifetime of kisses.

I was sure the crowd was cheering—I could almost hear it—but as I wrapped my arms around his waist, nothing else mattered except him and I in this blissful, wonderful moment. Once he pulled away, he whispered endearingly, “We’re married now.”

I could only laugh softly in a voice just as quiet, “That we are.”

The priest cleared his throat at our lengthy embrace, indicating we move onto the coronation ceremony. Nate had been crowned king a couple of months ago and now that we were officially married, I would be crowned as well.

Queen Eloise Camila Du—

No. Schreave. The correction I needed to get used to made me so inexplicably happy that I could barely contain my smile during the coronation, Nate himself performing it. I recited the vows I practiced for hours on end, knowing this was a moment that would go down in history. I was handed the traditional orb and staff, the heavy crown following not long after.

Once it was over, Nate and I stood side by side before the crowd as the country’s newest monarchs, our twin grins infectious. Husband and wife. King and queen. Two sentences I never imagined for my life just over a year ago. Yet here we were.

The rest of our wedding day passed by in another busy blur, filled with far too many photographs, first dances, and smudged cake as we fed each other our first pieces during the reception. Speaking with almost every guest was a feat I never thought I could accomplish, including past Selected and a certain new boyfriend of a former second lieutenant.

But even through my throbbing feet, exhaustion, and aching cheeks from far too many smiles, I don’t think I had ever felt more happy than I did walking hand in hand with Nate to our limo, waving at the crowd who had gathered to see us off on our honeymoon.

Slumping into the seat, car door shutting behind us, I looked over at him with a tired, relieved grin. “Finally.”

“Finally,” he repeated, a similar expression on his face before leaning in to press another familiar kiss against my lips. Here and now, it would be us and only us.

Because no longer being a Selected wasn’t strange anymore.

It was natural. Natural and right to be kissing Nate, my husband, in the back of the limo and anywhere else we would be for the rest of our lives.

Together.

The End.

[highkeymikey]

12:34am

Really just broke down in my car rn. There’s so many things I wish were different. Things out of our control. The distance, my parents, different life stages. And I feel like because there were things out of our control, it caused me to lose focus on what was in my control; my actions or lack there of. So many times I wish we could just study together or grab a bite rather than setting up weeks in advance to see each other. It hurt a lot actually but that was the reality of it. Because of the distance, I emphasized communication so much that maybe all I did was talk. Something that I needed but not so much you and I didn’t see that until later. People’s love languages are different. I should’ve accommodated to that better. It just really hurts. Something you wanted so bad and would fight through so much just for it to not work with so many things against us already. A lot of energy and no results. I know for a fact I loved and cared for you more than anything and I showed it differently but should have showed it the way you wanted. I just hope you know that one day. I’ve always told myself I won’t get this again and maybe I won’t but it’s a good learning lesson. Everyday I wish it didn’t have to be like this. We’d always say our relationship wasn’t normal but it’s us. I always wished it was normal. It’s reassuring to know you’re ok. I would pray each day since for your safety and that we’ll both find peace somehow. Just hearing from you was nice. I miss a lot of things about us that we probably won’t get back. But now when I think about us I can look back and smile. Even though I’ve never been so sad, I’ve also never been so happy with someone. If I ever saw or spoke to you again it’d be all love. And if anything were to ever happen to you idk what I’d do. I wish you the best. Always.

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #6 (more frustrations, tribulations and a tiny speck of sunshine)

I don’t know how I’m feeling rn, I just wanna climb into bed and stay there forever. I feel kind of conflicted and overwhelmed, hopeless but a smidgen hopeful at the same time but as always everything is overpowered by doubtfulness and hesitance and fear. I’m spiralling quite a lot, I want to calm down and figure things out rationally but my mind is racing ahead with frustration and the irrational. 

Yesterday’s counselling appointment felt quite different to the others, it was more blunt, filled with harsh truths and realities, eye opening but upsetting. To put it simply, it was a tough lesson and the words hurt and I cried. I don’t mean there was no encouragement or empathy present, it just felt like there was much less of it this time. The counsellor was probably getting impatient because I’m not trying hard enough, needed to light a fire under my ass kind of feeling.

Well, I’m past halfway in the number of sessions I’m allowed, I haven’t been able to move forward as much as she wanted and planned which is probably where the sort of urgency to do things is kicking in. There’s a lot more waiting on trying to get financial help than both of us expected. I mean I did apply for it and I enquired about it, I didn’t just ignore it, so it’s better than the latter right?

I keep wondering if counselling was the right choice for me, like the right kind of guidance because I feel like a lot of my deeper problems are not being considered into why I am struggling or that there’s not anything to help alleviate them. I’m not sure what I’m trying to say, or am I..? It’s not the exact thing I wanted, it fills only a small piece of a big complex puzzle, but beggars can’t be choosers :c I know the focus has to be narrowed down, everything is brief because time is short. I don’t want to have bad feelings about it, I don’t want to be ungrateful or butthurt either, it just feels like it’s not enough or it’s missing a step, but I also know that outside help can only do so much, everything is on me to change and improve from the inside. I feel so conflicted.

I know I need to stop moping, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop trying to make excuses and pin blame on things and people around me for my shortcomings and lack of action. It’s just when you spent such a long part of your life having these feelings and being a certain way, it’s hard to just up and go, hard to break the cycle and move on. To try and bring back control into your life when you felt you’ve never had it or lost it so long ago, it feels like you’re a newborn deer with starry eyes stumbling around on unsteady legs trying to get uphill, with the hill being a learning curve that’s actually a tall and seemingly impassible vertical wall.

I keep thinking of all these ‘I’m’ phrases. ‘I’m worthless, I’m useless, I’m ungrateful, I’m such a waste of space’ as afterthoughts to my moments of successful avoidance and it’s throwing me into such a hopeless mood where only grey clouds hang and no light can filter through. If my thoughts were like a message board, all the comments would be insults like these and unhelpful pro life hack troll comments plus the typical kys x 1000 .__.

C’mon me, don’t be so hard on yourself, it isn’t helping, there is hope... or is there..? Yes, there is but it’s just hard to see clearly right now. I’m feeling quite lost again, I need to try and find my way through the fog, I can do it, c’mon, don’t worry so much, you can do it!

I think I’m feeling a little better after getting a little of my frustration out, I’ll try and recall how yesterday went from beginning to end in simple form, I especially wanted to get things down as soon as possible so I don’t keep having to think back so hard and end up muddling stuff up. My memories are already a blur though and I feel like I've already begun to try repress a lot of it, but some good things were also said and some kind of nice things happened after so I’ve got to get to those too. You know, bring back some sun into this grey rainy spell, maybe even make a rainbow somehow :>

Okay, I got to the appointment just on time and sat for maybe 2 mins max, she came and collected me and I went for a quick bathroom trip because the weather that day was bad and I felt a mess. She asked for my weekly depression/anxiety self assessment sheet and I gave it to her and she looked over at it briefly. I think there might have been something small before this but I forgot, but w/e lol.

She asked (rhetorically?) if there was any improvement in the sheets/scores and pointed at one of the scores and asked me ‘what’s this?’. She was pointing to my score of 1 (some of the days) for the statement ‘Thinking you'd be better off dead or hurting yourself in some way?’. She’s never asked me about any of my scores on the previous ones, I feel like maybe she was offended some how that I hadn’t improved under her guidance or that maybe my scores were particularly bad that week idk I shouldn’t assume but she seemed the tiniest bit aghast anyways. 

The thing is though, the scoring sheet is intended for every two weeks but I’ve been doing them for every one week so they probably come across as a stronger representation idk? I’m sure I scored 1 for most other times on that same statement too (or did the lowest 0 score but only because I was trying to seem hopeful and not idk shock-worthy? Bad and inaccurate I know). Well let me just say it was hella awk and that was even after I got in a taxi ride with a driver that didn’t speak english and struggled through that the same morning, the awkward feels just keep rising.

Anyways, back to what I was saying, or well, not saying. She asked me what that score was, and that gave me this vibe that she was idk disgusted or like I said offended... I mean I think she asked why I put that after too but I couldn’t find the words to answer. It’s kind of sensitive topic (especially for me who usually withholds and can’t express feelings that well) and somehow I thought it would be kind of obvious thing, like something that didn’t need to be questioned... .__. 

I mentioned I had depression on the first session, she knows I’m struggling in general and last week was particularly stressful for me with the pressure to do stuff and I didn’t want to bring it up as the reason at the time. Maybe she forgot or got me mixed up with someone else, she probably sees so many people a week and stuff.

It just felt weird and I was kind of confused, I was searching my mind for an appropriate answer but was still just so taken aback that I just blanked. I ended up saying something like ‘you know, when you feel kind of hopeless...’ and kind of cringed inwardly. But then I think she went into a sort of a reassuring and positive sort of pep talk, telling me that I was doing good and all that stuff, it made me feel better for that moment, though I still feel a bit idk traumatised lol... ;; Because I always worry about doing things right, being seen as weird, having that being in school and getting reprimanded feeling it just freaked me out. 

Oh... oh my god, that just reminded me of something... A lot of past experiences influence our current feelings and beliefs right? I noticed I keep mentioning about being told off and I keep wondering why it affects me so much, makes me afraid even now and I remembered in school when I was very young there were times I was told off and felt wronged and it hurt, I was a good kid and I always tried my best but I guess it wasn’t enough sometimes. Those things I was scolded for seemed irrational and unfair and I’ll bet a lot of them actually were, but I was just a kid, I just take it and believe that I deserved it, but maybe it was just me, taking things to heart a little too much too.

I’m so scared of being told off by my parents, by anyone really, just the prospect of it happening alone is enough to make me shrink away into the floor. Remembering the faces and tones of voices of those particular teachers, it scares me and makes me feel so upset, they were mean and strict and I feel there was a hint of some discrimination somewhere but no one is obligated to be nice to me anyways I guess... Idk I’m side tracking again, being over dramatic maybe but those snippets of memories that just came up from their hiding place right in the depths of my mind, to stay with me that long, it’s painful recalling them again. The beliefs I hold from then, they are one and the same as the ones still latched on to me today, probably in an evolved form and weighing me down even more. 

Something that’s been bothering me, am I always playing the victim? Am I actually always in the wrong? Do I really blame others that much? Is there actually no reason to feel any of the things I do? Is everything actually my own fault? These just go on to repeat that cycle of worthlessness and confusion. I don’t even know, the more I think about things, the greater the self-loathing becomes. It’s not healthy, I need to stop it. Wow idek what I just wrote in the past few paragraphs @^@”

Um so, my memory is kinda crappy after the bit about the paper. I remember I had some homework from last time which I struggled really badly with even though it probably wasn’t something hard, but idk I just have a hard time doing any type of task cause I get that foggy head pain and can’t concentrate or retain information and ugh why can’t I function like normal..?? ;^; I quickly scrawled down the stuff the morning of the app but well... I waited for her to ask for it but she never did, I was thinking, I should take it out and give it to her. But I avoided doing so... and later I thought again I should give it, but I didn’t, or well I was too preoccupied with what was going down then. I’ll make sure to mention and give it in next time... I’m scared she’ll be annoyed, or disappointed, tell me off etc etc. but better late than never I guess. Maybe the session would have went differently if I did, maybe we could have focused on that instead, ack it’s my own fault >^<

We talked about what I did last week in terms of going out, communicating and practicing phone orders. Welp, I don’t think I went anywhere other than shopping the same day of the last appointment so there was nothing to discuss there. As for the phone order thing... I managed to do it... but only once. I panicked and stumbled over my words and it deterred me from trying again just like I thought it would. But my mum and sis gave me some helpful tips which I can use next time if I can pluck up the courage to.

I actually did it, even it was only once, which was something. But I did it more because I didn’t want to disappoint the counsellor, because she already wanted me to do it the prior week and I didn’t, so it was done out of a greater fear so to say... I mean, I did do it a little for myself too and for my parents, who were kind of impressed I tried at least. I thought maybe at least me trying, even if only once would be something but she said that really she would have expected me to do much more, once wasn’t enough, but at least I did it. I felt real bad, I’m so cowardly and she is expecting me to have tried doing it everyday lots of times by next week but I’ve already avoided trying for almost two days already :<

I also made it sound like I was making a bunch of excuses as to why I don’t go out that much, I said some inaccurate things and I feel bad about it. She said I should go out more, follow where my sis and parents go and try to immerse myself properly in what I’m doing, as I mentioned being around others makes me anxious and I will often leave what I’m doing without properly looking or buying what I wanted. Eg. if I’m looking at clothes and someone stands next to me looking, I’ll move so they can look or hurry up or cut short my own perusing then move. She said to not mind them, that I was there first and should take my time. I move out of politeness and because often when I want to look at stuff and someone else is there for a long long time or is just blocking the way it kind of irks me (and when I look at things I am really slow I guess), so I wouldn’t want other people to feel that way idk I suck I know. I’ll try follow my parents this weekend or go somewhere with my sis or something. 

She also went over my sort of plan to get a job and was telling me to work under my parents and gain experience from home (work is at home) so I can write it on my CV. I already knew of this but I keep thinking my parents are so set on doing things themselves and their way, that I’ll be in the way, do things wrong, get told off etc. Maybe it’s irrational to think this, no, it certainly is, but I can’t help thinking this way. I told her that I’ve tried asking them to teach me suff before but they were unwilling and she told me not to pin the blame on them. She said I needed to push to do things and asked me ‘what do new workers(of any profession in general) usually do?’ and I answered something like ‘watch’, watching and learning, shadowing. She’s right, I should do that, it’s just my aforementioned fears especially the getting in the way part that’s getting in the way.

Wait, I lie, there’s much more than that. There’s my extreme self-consciousness which makes it difficult for me to be anyone’s view let alone customers (especially the regulars that sometimes ask how mum’s daughters are doing, to which she mostly talks about my sis because well, I got nothing). I didn’t say this to her though... Also my fear of someone I know coming and seeing me, asking how I’ve been, what I’m doing etc... Seriously if I didn’t have such an ugly mug etc. I would be doing much better or maybe I wouldn’t be this way at all... :c

So uh, I have to do some of that experience gathering and skill learning, yeah it’s necessary, it’s a good opportunity and it’s beneficial. The pressure to do things so quickly and so much at a time (for me) is just so overwhelming. 

Stuff got kinda not so great from here...or maybe I got the order of things mixed up but oh well....She said she felt frustrated for me so she couldn’t imagine what it must be like for me. She said that I have to try and do much more, that it’s for me and my life and it won’t affect her at all whether I do things or not and that she has many other people that she needs to see and that’s her job, if I don’t do things then there’s no point of me coming to sessions and stuff like that. She said something vaguely like ‘you’re [age] years old, you should be able to/can do all these things ...[something something] it’s almost like you’re a baby’ this isn’t actually what she said but I remember her saying my age and the word baby because these are things I think about all the time about myself.

There was some other sort of raw truth telling and I can’t remember all of it but it just really got to me and the tone and the words kind of cut me deep and I started crying or well my eyes started leaking and I really really didn’t want them to... ;^; As I expected she is unfazed by it, probably has seen it a million times from others, and I was trying really hard to ignore the water in my eyes too and continue listening to her, but in the back of my mind I was wishing I could just have a moment, maybe even a tiny bit of reassurance or sympathy. I don’t mean to make her sound like a heartless robot and she probably did say some reassuring things I don’t remember properly, but at that time it just felt so bad like... like you know all the stress from the past weeks and just my whole life busted out and I felt like I didn’t matter or something like that.

Oh, I remember one of the things she also talked about/asked was what would I do (in terms of living and looking after myself) if my parents died. She asked or talked about this in one of the earlier sessions but that was if they died like right now, and this time I think she was saying about you know, like people only live so long kind of thing... like the thing about the depression bit earlier, this is a topic I really don’t like, the way it comes out is so blunt and just throws me off so much. I contemplated what to say in return and was really tempted to say ‘die’ but I know that would not be a good idea but I couldn’t think of much else, I said ‘nothing’ instead and she was I guess taken aback (in a bad way, like ‘what do you mean nothing? You can’t just do nothing’).

I blanked so hard to find the answer because the truth is I don’t know what I’d do. She said I couldn’t rely on my sis to look after me forever and that’s true and I already know it. I guess this is just a way to help me put my future in perspective maybe, to get me to take more action now so I would be more prepared to take care of myself then and in general. It still stung a lot though.

Also there was some talk of what my plans are to get to what I want to do and I can’t remember exactly what sparked the next small bit of conversation, but I was talking about how I have some illness that prevents me from wanting to go out/work because I get sick easily in those environments and she told me how she has a friend that has similar stuff and she doesn’t let this get in the way of her doing stuff, that she still goes out and works and lives and while that’s true and very useful to know it kind of felt idk... I didn’t want to sound like I was bringing up excuses, I just wanted to let her know I have other troubles I needed sorting in addition to the ones she knows.

Then I can’t remember how but it lead to me talking about maybe going to the doctor for medication to help with ADD/Depression/anxiety (which I had been avoiding) so that I’d be able to think clearer and do things more quickly in addition to her help but she just said that was something pointless in a way, that medication isn’t a miracle cure to my problems and kept emphasising ‘this is CBT, it’s all about behaviour’ ?^? But the thing is, I wasn’t saying that it was a miracle cure and her disregard for the fact that it could maybe help, it kind of idk... it made me feel frustrated and maybe some time around here is when I cried or maybe I was already crying idk but my voice was weak and I didn’t want to debate it anymore. 

The thing is though, behavioural stuff is her specialism and not medicine and I understand that but why so adamant or against it?  @^@ It kind of feels like when I asked her about whether a diagnosis would be helpful that other time and the answer was pretty much nope. I know medication isn’t healthy and isn’t ideal, and I know it can be unhelpful in terms of side effects, but I was referring more to ADD medication which I read positive things about (but I guess I need to research more). If I could fix things without medication, that’s the obvious choice anyone would choose, but some things are proven to be chemically related and idk why I’m continuing to talk about it... tbh I already take medication every day for my other physical blah but even I feel iffy about taking it for mental related things.

I just felt kind of miffed and upset and actually kind of hopeless by the end of the session and idk it didn’t end with me feeling super motivated like the last few. Tbh on a lot of the other sessions, I just kept thinking I want to go home, but none as much as this one. I kind of almost wanted to just up an cancel the rest of the sessions, but I think I can stick through it, there’s only 4 more, who knows what could happen, what I could maybe achieve and leave with. Or even if there is nothing much, at least I tried, I can learn to be stronger from this experience alone. I have been mulling over a lot of things and yes, there was some useful things and I do see where she is coming from on a lot of things too, it’s just the pressure to do stuff is killing me because my fears are still there and grow even stronger when I’m at home. To put myself in her perspective though, it must be like flogging a dead horse a lot of the time, I feel bad she has to deal with me.

Anyways, after the session I went to the toilet again and tried to put come cold water soaked tissue on my face and eyes to make it less red and calm down. Then after my sis was supposed to come and go run some errands and shop with me like usual but she was running a bit late so she told me to browse around. I was feeling a little scared, but I remembered I used to be okay doing this and agreed to do so. I went to a stationery store and browsed it at my leisure, was a little anxious and had to wait at the till for ages for someone to get there but it was kind of nice, I felt a little proud of myself for going and I did buy some pens I wanted. 

After that I just wandered around outside while waiting for my sis to come over and used the opportunity to take some photos of the things in the area, the weather wasn’t great but it gave me a reason to pull up my hood and have the courage to go around. I wish I could be brave enough to do this without having to feel like I need anonymity and to actually do it properly without rushing and thinking people might be looking and judging, but anyways it was something I wanted to do for a long time and I did it a little bit! I hope I can use this as motivation to go out more and improve my skills ^^

I also went to some other shops, then the supermarket and I asked the store worker about the stock of an item so that’s something! The rest of the day I just kind of sat around thinking about things again. I wanted to go back and do something nice like the posting art stuff but I’m still hesitating and also now I keep thinking that those sorts of things are not important and that I should be focusing on the more serious stuff like the job thing. Other people have jobs and they can afford to do nice things on the side because they have the important things sorted out and prioritised well, I don’t have a job so I shouldn’t be doing nice or meaningless things, I need to be serious... is the kind of thought train I have. It’s true, but I... I don’t know...

Anyways, I used up a whole day to write this post pretty much. It was really difficult and much much weirder but it was useful to get the thoughts out and down which is good. I feel I always keep trying to soften and justify things I say still, I still fear being recognised and perceived as bad and all that terrible jazz. Maybe I’ll get over it someday.

I want to end the post positively like I always do, but I’m struggling a little on this one. It’s always the overthinking, the irrational and the inaction and I’m getting worried about next week because time flies. What do I need to do to just get over the fears...? T^T I really wish there was some magic cure all medicine.

I guess only thinking the logical or not thinking at all and actually challenging the fears is the only way. Do I think I can do it? I might not be able to completely dispel the thoughts but I think trying a little more shouldn’t hurt too much. I gotta ingrain it into my brain some more, that all that matters is I tried, it doesn’t have to be perfect, it’ll get better and easier with practice, it’ll be okay.

Baby steps and more determination is the way to go. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it! Even if not straight away, I’ll get on track and soon be chugging full speed. Believe in myself, be proud of myself and try my best, I keep forgetting. Take care of myself too.

I actually wrote a list of things I want to do, my dreams or a bucket list as such in my drafts, I want to be able to fulfil them and cross them off with a smile. To accomplish this, I just need to do them. More doing, less moping! It’s my life, I should be able to do all the things I want to do and be the person I want to be.

I gotta try harder, just persevere and do and that’s all there is to it, c’mon I can do this, I can do all these things someday or even today! Don’t let the little bumps on your journey throw you off, don’t let other’s words bring you down, keep fighting, keep going, it’ll be worth it! You can do it!! ^^

I think maybe I’ll go try post something for reals now on my other acc somewhere and then I’ll practice some phone order-y stuff! It won’t be so hard after taking the first few steps silly me, go go! C:

Have a wonderful evening and keep going, you can do it!

[bangtan-spells]

Jimin Scenario: Amore.

Request: So first i would like to have a jimin scenario were he meets gf parents, but they don't speak korean so he must learn her native language (if possible italian, but every other language is ok [i don't mean dialogues in italian, but like making references that gf nationality is italian {idk if i explained myself good lol}]) and he's nervous to mess up             

Genre: Fluff

Nobody was really being of much help, his friends were trying but falling in a fit of laughter each time he attempted to pronounce two straight words and Jimin was sweating and frustrated, people spoke this, it shouldn’t be that hard.

–I��ll start again– Jimin said decided, he was doing this, he was greeting your parents like a nice Italian boy would without messing it up, for you and for them. – Now, hear me up –

His friends straightened themselves again, and Jimin remembered himself to be patient, he was patient, he was kind, he was smart and he was all but losing all of that already.

–Buon… buon…– Jimin took a deep breath, tried to remember the rest and coax his lips and voice to pronounce what he wanted them to. –Buon, gi… orno – his lips took a funny shape with the foreign word, and he saw how Taehyung and Jungkook did their best to not fall again in a fit of laughter.

–It’ll be almost midday when you meet them Jimin, are you sure you’ll still be greeting them as if it was morning? – Namjoon looked at him with his know it all eyes and Jimin clenched his fist, almost glaring at his hyung, but not quite.

–Buon giorno – he said again, stronger this time and annoyed. Damnit Namjoon, he was right, maybe that wasn’t even the same greeting for midday why didn’t he think about that before and why didn’t Namjoon open his mouth sooner? He could have saved Jimin a good half an hour of trying to properly pronounce the two words without making a ridiculous face halfway through.

Jimin just needed to persevere, he knew it, you had said that it was alright, that you could translate everything, that it wasn’t that much of an issue but for Jimin it was, he wanted to do everything in his hands for your parents to like him and cause them a good first impression, he was going to speak Italian even if it was the last thing he did.

–I got this alright? – he said, to his friends, to himself, eyeing again the notes on his hands where he’d scribbled all the possible phrases he could learn on his own. He wanted this to be a surprise but he’d also paid close attention to the little words you let out here and there in your native language, so he could get used to the sound, and Jimin wasn’t a quitter, no matter the headache and the tangled tongue, he got this, he could do this, he was going to walk into that restaurant with you and nail this whole italian thing in the batting of an eyelash.

You rushed a little your pace because you didn’t want to keep Jimin waiting for long. You smiled with the thought of your boyfriend, Jimin was just too special for you, that was the main reason you wanted him to meet your parents. At first you’d been a little hesitant to tell him about it, but you didn’t want to miss this chance, Jimin was a nice guy and you were sure they were going to like him, he was always spoiling you and making you feel the most loved girl out there, you knew your parents were going to notice that despite the language barrier that Jimin was so worried for. Jimin was just too sweet and had a tendency to think too many things at once, you giggled because of how easy it was to click with Jimin and then ran the little steps separating you from him.

He had been waiting for you outside the ice cream shop you’d been obsessed with for the past month, Jimin had told you to meet there because he wanted to talk about something and you suspected that that something was the meeting with your parents in three hours, maybe he was having seconds thoughts about it, maybe he wasn’t as ready as he said he was two weeks ago.

–Hi – you tapped Jimin’s shoulder and he jumped on his spot, he had clearly been lost in his thoughts. Then your boyfriend laughed and took your hand, leaning forward to peck your lips quickly.

–Y/N, hi, were you trying to scare me? – he asked with fake outrage, his fingers caressed your hand softly which was a little cold, Jimin had complained of the weather being too cold for eating ice cream but had still indulged in going there with you.

–Of course not silly, you’re just jumpy – you laughed with him and entered the shop to order something. Once you had your ice creams in hand, you went to a table and sat close to Jimin, he leaned on the back of the round couch and placed his arm around your shoulders. It still got you al little light headed whenever Jimin was this close, you just enjoyed it way too much, his warmth and the feel of him close.

You chatted a little about what you’d been up to for the past days but you could clearly notice Jimin’s mind was troubled for something, so you just stole a kiss from his lips.

–You’re thinking too much, amore mio – you carded your hand lightly through Jimin’s hair and he smiled, looking at you intently for a moment.

–Say that again –

–What? – your hand stopped for a moment and you met his eyes, was Jimin getting a little red?

Your boyfriend only looked at you for a minute and then dropped his eyes. –Amore…–

Jimin’s voice was merely a whisper but you’d heard him very well, you scooted a little closer to him, pecking his cheek softly. –Amore mio –

Jimin laughed under his breath, licking his lips to try and refrain the silly smile. –I like how Italian sounds in your voice, I like when you call me that–

–I know – Jimin always looked so amazed whenever you let slip a word in your language, it was such a normal thing to you but so amazing to him it was actually endearing.

–I’m afraid to mess up Y/N, I don’t want to ruin this – there it was, you knew Jimin was most probably getting worried out of his mind with meeting your parents.

–You won’t ruin anything Jiminie –

–I can’t even say hi properly to them without thinking that I look stupid trying, I want to talk with your parents and say that we’re together and that I love you –

You squeezed Jimin’s hand, god he was such a sweetheart. –My parents can’t even say hi to you properly without laughing, so you’ll be even, and by the rest, I can tell them for you, just by going there you’re trying and I appreciate that, I’m sure they will too–

Jimin looked at you form the corner of his eyes, he shouldn’t be getting anxious about this like an hour before the meeting but god help him, if it wasn’t for you he would be already crawling up the walls. Well he had to trust you, you were going to be there, he’d tried to learn as much as he could and if you said it was going to be fine with only showing up then, he could at least man up and do it.

  You chilled for another while with Jimin at the ice cream shop until it was time to leave for the restaurant where you were meeting with your parents, you’d written the address for them and you hoped they didn’t get lost on their way there. Jimin had helped you find a nice Italian restaurant for the occasion, the owners were Italians and some of the workers too since it was a family, but there were Korean workers too so not many things could go wrong which was good.

When you arrived, your parents were already sitting on a table and when you waved at them. You felt Jimin’s hold in your hand tightening a little and you looked at him for some reassurance with a smile, Jimin seemed more than nervous, this was the first time you saw him like that so you turned to stand in front of him.

–It’ll go alright Jimin, they’re going to like you I’m sure – your boyfriend nodded silently. –I’ll be there the whole time anyway –

That earned a soft laugh from him, Jimin squeezed your hand that hadn’t let go of his and nodded. –I got this –

–You got this babe – you giggled softly and then made your way to your parent’s table holding onto Jimin’s hand.

Your parents instantly got onto their feet with the sight of you, you noticed how your mother’s avid eyes were running up and down Jimin with that spark of curiosity she always had, your father was looking a little lost and then your mother tapped his back.

–Now honey, now– she tried to be discreet, you were sure, but both of them had a thing for talking a little too loud to accomplish that. Then both of them bowed to your direction, your father almost knocked down the bowl in front of him and he just barely caught it.

You almost awed at that because you hadn’t actually asked them to do that, Jimin bowed to them as well with a smile and somehow, he seemed much more relaxed after that. You knew your mother would have gone for a bear hug as a greeting since they were just effusive people.

–Hi! Hi – Your father spoke in a strange high pitched voice and heavily accented Korean, then your mother elbowed him softly and he went on. –uh…. We…–

He leaned to whisper something on your mother’s ear and they looked so lost it was funny.

–We… hi– your father finished at least, with an apologetic face and looking at you with big eyes.

You giggled softly and let Jimin speak because he seemed like he needed to take something out of his chest, he opened his mouth a few times like a fish out of water, tried to pronounce a few greetings in Italian and ended settling for a simple ciao, but that served to get your parents beaming and they started to speak in Italian like crazy, relieved that Jimin apparently could understand them now.

Jimin just turned a little pale then, his brows knitted together in a clear attempt of catching up with at least something of what they were saying but he just looked at you with sorry eyes.

–Mom, dad, remember what I told you? – you interrupted them softly. –He doesn’t really speak our language –

–But he just…– you father looked confused and you smiled softly. Your mother understood quickly.

–He was just trying to please you, like you did with him too–

–Oh…–

It was a little awkward then, but then your mother broke into a fit of laughter, your father turned a deep shade of red and Jimin ended laughing as well, so after that you made the proper introductions and sat with them.

–Jimin was actually the one with the idea of meeting here, he thought you might like it – you said to your parents because the idea was indeed coming from Jimin, you’d offered your house since you knew you mother wasn’t losing the chance to brag about her cooking skills, but Jimin said he wanted her to be relaxed.

–The food here is good, he did well, tell him that – you father was delighted with everything he had ordered so far and that was saying a lot.

–You look good together – your mother added while looking at you next to Jimin, your boyfriend was looking form you to them.

–She just said we look good together Jiminie – you told him and Jimin smiled so brightly right then.

You were amazed at how incredibly smoothly this was going, despite you having to translate and the little stumbled beginning, but your parents had done an effort and Jimin had done it as well which made you feel lucky because you loved them all, and they knew this was important for you so they’d done their best.

You smiled at Jimin, dared to peck his cheek softly and your mother smiled with that, focusing on her food after and hushing your father when he was about to say something.

–So I’m doing well so far? – Jimin asked softly and you nodded.

–You’re doing great Jimin, thank you – he looked at you with his always kind eyes and smiled. Then he looked at your parents who smiled back at him and he seemed the happiest, you were sure it was going to be easy to include Jimin more into your family life from now on, and you could even start teaching him little things about your language now that you knew he wanted to learn it so much.

Jimin turned to look at you when you giggled with curious eyes and you shook your head so he didn’t ask, it didn’t matter what language came out of your boyfriend’s lips, it wouldn’t change the fact that you loved him and love had a language of its own; one that you started to learn since the moment you met Jimin.

[ohhimatt]

Reasons Why

1. You’re hot. Like super hot. Like Lauren was like wtf Michaela when I was like idk if I should hook up with you 

2. You’re super smart. There’s this Frank Ocean song “Novacane” and he’s describing like this perf girl(?) idk he’s gay so maybe a guy but anyway “brain like Berkeley” that’s a line in it. That’s you. Frank Ocean would date you for your brain. How does that make you feel? 

3. You know how to handle your alcohol. This feels like a skill I would never possess, so it’s cool that one of us can do it 

4. Head. Game. Strong. Like I was super not down for that and then it happened, and wow 

5. You’re really just great in bed in general. I mean, I was willing to hook up with you more than once, and that’s not very me of me 

6. You’re always complimenting me. And like yeah I don’t really know how to handle that, and it makes me kinda squirmy, but it’s still kinda great tbh 

7. You put up with me when I’m a mess, and you listen to me complain about things that really don’t make sense to be complaining about, and you don’t invalidate my feelings or make me feel dumb for feeling things 

8. You basically kept me alive on Fourth of July, and you didn’t make fun of me for being the definition of shit show, and that was supposed to be a fun holiday for you to get drunk, but you had to deal with me, and you didn’t even (appear to) get mad at me for ruining it 

9. You put up with me at concerts even though we’re very obviously in two different places, and I sometimes look like I’m really not having much fun, and you don’t get annoyed with me for not having the same energy that you have 

10. You remember a lot of the things on the seemingly unending list of health issues I have, and it’s nice that I don’t have to keep explaining why I can’t or shouldn’t eat or do things 

11. You just remember things about me in general, which is really sweet 

12. You get wine for me. This is actually very important. Like yeah a $5 bottle of wine doesn’t seem like much, but it is. It’s super important 

13. You let me hang out with your friends. Your friends are an important part of your life, and you’re sharing that with me, and like idk that’s just super cool 

14. You’re super funny. Like yeah part of it is because of how obnoxious you are, but this is like so so so important. I’ve slept with super not okay guys because they were funny, but you’re great and funny and also somehow interested in me. Idk why but wow yay awesome 

15. You got me into snapchat. I used to not be into it as an app at all other than for sending nudes sometimes, but wtf this app is fun, and I would have never realized that if I hadn’t started using it just to keep our streak going 

16. You were willing to be friends with me. Okay this one really doesn’t seem like much, but it is. It is so so so hard to find guys who are willing to be my friend without the promise of sleeping with me in the future, and we hung out for months without hooking up, and besides Justin you’re like the only guy I’ve met in college that was willing to do that, so like idk it was just really cool 

17. Your choice in movies is A+. Okay yeah this one goes both ways because we like the same movies, but I wanted to say it anyway 

18. You brought me Taco Bell when I was super drunk, and if that’s not the sweetest thing ever than idk what is 

19. You let me steal your shirts. This is also super important because stolen shirts are more comfortable than non stolen shirts, especially when they come from a significant other 

 20. You don’t get angry with me when you’re drunk. Maybe this is one of those bare minimum things again, but I’ve never experienced this, so I’m going to count it 

21. You don’t get super jealous about things. Like I can still go out, hang out with my friends, go to frat parties, and I don’t have to worry about you getting all weird about it 

22. You finish my alcohol for me when I severely overestimate me drinking capabilities 

23. You put up with Lauren. This should honestly count as two. If you’re not the kind of person that wants to be her friend, she can be a lot, so you hanging out with her and not hating her or me for bringing her along is great 

24. You have sick friends, and I feel like that reflects on how sick you are as a person 

25. You’ll sit and chill with me after I eat things I’m not supposed to, and you don’t just tell me that I did this to myself the whole time even though I definitely did 

26. You don’t even realize what a gem you are. Like you’re somehow unaware that you’re the coolest person ever, and it’s kinda adorable lol 

27. You play soccer. My tinder bio used to say “My only weakness is soccer players” Yeah sure I can’t play anymore, but there’s just something about soccer players that makes them better than everyone else. Idk

28. You share things with me. I know sharing isn’t really your thing, but you still do it sometimes, and it’s really cool when you do, and then I feel all special that you feel comfortable enough with me to do that 

29. You put in effort. I guess this kinda relates to the last ones, but you try to do things that matter to me like sharing things, and idk it’s just super cool 

30. You understand consent. Okay yeah I guess this is one of those bare minimum things again, but understand that this can’t be said for most of the guys I’m around on a regular basis 

31. You like my cats. So many people are so against cats, and yeah maybe dogs are better, but my cats matter lol 

32. You have good taste in music. And now that I’m not afraid of concerts anymore this is super important because I feel like I could pretty much ask you to go to any concert with me and you would be down because we’re kinda into the same people 

33. You’re always boosting my self confidence. Even when I don’t feel like I look that great you tell me that I do, and it’s annoying as fuuuuuuck, but I guess I kinda like it too 

34. Okay this one is going to sound so so lame, so never repeat it. Just read it once and never talk about it again. But you make me feel all warm and fuzzy, and I really forgot what that felt like, but now I feel like that all the time, and fuck you for that, but also thanks I guess lol 

35. Sometimes you do this thing where you’ll push my hair back behind my ear, and normally that’s something I would hate because ew human contact, but I kinda like it when you do it 

36. You sorta made me question everything I thought I hated about relationships, and I hated that at first, but I’m happier now, so I guess that’s a good thing. I’m a lot less salty about relationships in general now 

37. You’re super reassuring. Whenever I tell you about how much I’m doubting myself or my life choices, you make me feel better about not having myself as together as I would like to be 

38. I swear every single time I wake up in the middle of the night and move a little you move closer to me or pull me closer to you, and it’s adorable. It’s something I would have absolutely hated a few months ago, but now I really like it 

39. You get along with Max. This might not seem like it’s that hard, but he hates everyone, so this is actually really big 

40. You let me be extra. I’m so so so extra, and I normally just feel like I’m being super annoying, but you let me do me, and that’s cool 

41. You’ve seen the absolute worst snapchats and videos of me, but for some reason you’re still into me? That’s wild 

42. You passed my vine test. Okay yeah this one doesn’t seem like much, but it shows that you were actually paying attention to all of the vines I sent you instead of just kinda looking at them because you had to 

43. You’re always down. Like for whatever. I feel like I could come at you with any idea of something we should do and you would be like yeah 

44. I made the worst first impression on you. The first thing I said to you was oh my god you’re the guy who cheated on my sorority sister. And for some reason you didn’t just say fuck off and walk away. And here we are now, so thanks for not being a dick lol 

45. You for some reason don’t think I look like some sort of weird alien without eyebrows. And? You?? Tell??? Me???? I????? Look?????? Good?¿?¿?¿? 

46. Your bed. This counts because it’s an extension of you. I love your bed oh my god how is it so comfortable??? 

47. You make me drinks. Not only that, but you’ll make me drinks that are only 50% the strength that they should be because you know I’m a lightweight when it comes to that 

48. You’re weird, but you’re a good weird. I don’t know why it took me until now to list this. This should have been how I started the list tbh 

49. You didn’t freak out on me and tell me I was being weird or rushing things even though I made you meet my dad already and I’m about to make you meet my mom when you get back. I def felt like as far as normal relationships go, I kinda did this earlier than I was supposed to, but my parents like to be super involved in my life like that, and I don’t want to deal with them complaining about not knowing who you are 

50. You make me happy. This probably should have been number one. Not that these are in any type of order, but this one is probably the most important. And even before we were dating, just hanging out with you as a friend made me happier, and idk like not a lot of people actually make me happier just by existing in my general vicinity, but you do. So yeah.. okay I’m ending this list for now, but this is in no way a complete list. It’s just complete enough for me to fairly say that you’re the gem. You’re the national treasure, and you’re honestly such a catch that it’s obvious that I’m the one who tricked you into liking me

51. You didn’t freak out when I was like, “oh. hey. yeah. I’m really fucking depressed.” Not only that, but you were super understanding, and I don’t even think you know how helpful you’ve been, but like.. Just thanks

52. You (as far as I know) don’t go through my phone without asking me. I really hate it when people do that. Not that I have anything to hide, but I just feel like it’s really rude, so good on you for not doing that, especially since you know this blog exists and is pretty much only accessible through my phone

53. You put up with how fucking indecisive I am literally all the time. Like wow I’m basically incompetent when it comes to ordering anything off of a menu, and you don’t get mad at me for staring at it forever

54. You’re a super reasonable person. I know you know this because you say this a lot, but it’s true, and that’s nice. I feel like I never have to worry about you getting mad at me for something small or insignificant

55. You let me play drinking games with your friends on your team even though I suck. You don’t make me sit out to save yourself the embarrassment of how bad I am

56. You aren’t weirded out that I made this list or the fact that I keep adding onto this list in my free time

57. You don’t get weird about how much I like your friends. Like I fucking love John, but you’re not like weirdly threatened by that, which is super nice

58. You do this really cute thing where you’ll come up behind me when I’m staring at myself in a mirror, and idk, but like, I like that

59. Free frozen yogurt. That should count for something. I don’t even care if I’m lactose intolerant. This has to count as a perk of dating you

60. Oh god. You listened to me when I was puking on FaceTime on New Year’s, and you weren’t like ew wtf why am I dating her? You just like kinda dealt with me, and I know a lot of these numbers are me just talking about times I made you put up with my drunk ass, and I could probably condense them all into one, but I feel like I’m so bad when I’m drunk that they should all count as individual points

61. You’re not hella weird about my body count or the fact that I don’t even know my number. A lot of guys get really fucking weird about that, so it’s cool that you’re not like that

62. Tbh you got me back into tumblr. I know this wasn’t directly you, but I had to replace Tinder with a different time wasting app, and I had forgotten how much I liked tumblr and being able to type out my feelings, and now I’m doing that again, and tbh typing things out is really cathartic, so even though this isn’t something you really did, it’s a result of you existing, so I’m counting that

63. You like La Burrita. I swear to god everyone tells me it’s trash, but I don’t care. It’s good, and I’m no longer the only one who likes it

64. You don’t feel threatened by my friendship with Justin. Not that there’s any reason you should feel threatened, but I’m used to guys feeling threatened by any friendship I have with another guy (which tbh doesn’t make much sense because they don’t mind my girl friends, and I like girls too???)

65. I can be like, “I fucking hate all men” and you don’t feel attacked, and you get that it’s’ not about you or all men but like a lot of men

66. You got me to break celibate summer/school year seventeen, and if you hadn’t done that, I might still be celibate, and wow what a sad life

67. We’ve spoken every single day since we’ve met, and I’m pretty bad about texting first a lot of the time, so that means this has probably been due to a lot of effort on your part, so that’s just really cool tbh. I appreciate the effort

68. You weren’t like wtf Michaela when I told you I look up statistics on when the average couple had their first fight, said I love you, met parents, etc. I know it was a little weird that I was so concerned about that, so thanks for not making me feel weirder about it

69. Lmao 69. The ratio is so bad. So so bad. So in my favor. I’m so sorry, but also wow ty. You’re the best

70. You don’t get frustrated with me when I get overwhelmed by seemingly simple things like ordering off of menus or being in large crowds

71. You put up with the fact that the paint is literally peeling off of the walls in my room, and I don’t do anything about it. Like I know it’s really bad..

72. You still wanted to be my friend after dropping acid with me. I was super annoying and not okay, and I know that, so I’m glad that that didn’t make you hate me lol

73. You send me things on twitter. It isn’t just me sending you a bunch of stuff and you being like lol. Like having someone send you a tweet like hey thought you might think this was funny too is such a great feeling

74. You like Black Mirror. I don’t feel like this really needs explaining. You shouldn’t date people who don’t like Black Mirror. Something is probably wrong with them

75. I can call you out on things, and you don’t get really angry with me. Like I don’t have to be worried about being like, “hey you’re wrong” which is cool because that has always led to problems in my past relationships

76.  You aren’t super weirded out by how invested I get in your friends’ relationships. I care a lot about Min-cob, Max-chaela, and C-an (New development: Car-lex)

77. You make me drink water, which is really nice because I forget to do that really often when I’m hanging out with people

78. I just feel comfortable around you. I feel like I can speak candidly about my mental disorders or my past traumas, and you’re not going to judge me for any of it

79.  You like Taco Bell. I know that Taco Bell has already been mentioned, but it deserves its own number on this list because it’s so important to my life. I honestly don’t think I could date you if you didn’t like Taco Bell tbh

80. Your laugh. I don’t think I’ve said anything about this yet, which is weird because I’m literally already at 80, but I really love your laugh

81. You’ve helped me to be a better person just by existing. I went from being the most vindictive person ever (like actual snake emoji personified) to being completely uninterested in revenge or ruining lives. I don’t even know why. I guess I just felt like you would like me better if I was nicer because Stephen introduced us, so obviously you like nice people, and I kinda like nice me better too tbh, so thanks

82. You didn’t want to stop being my friend when I stopped having coke all the time, and I know this doesn’t seem that big, but I’ve had it happen enough times that it’s a big thing

83. EDC is a thing. And this year it’s going to be a thing that both of us are at. Together. Wow. Just the idea of this has me excited af. Tbh the idea of future plans with you in general has me super excited

84. I have now experienced Korean barbecue thanks to you, and you didn’t make fun of me for having to switch seats with you part way through because there was too much going on in front of me

85. You supported my tuna egg, even though it turned out to be (unsurprisingly) gross..

86. Cheez-Its vs. Cheese Nips. I hate you, and you’re wrong, but I also kinda feel like this is going to be a debate that goes on forever, and it’s kinda funny, so I’m going to count it as a reason

87. You only kinda made fun of me for how much I cried watching South Paw, which like fuck you for making fun of me, but you cuddled me to make me feel better too, so I guess I can’t complain

88. Okay you don’t know it yet, but since we’ve been dating I’ve had this playlist of songs that just make me think about you for whatever reason (Actually, now that I think about it, I’m going to make a post explaining them), and I listen to it when I need to cheer up because thinking about you makes me happy. Sorry I’m so lame wtf omg

89. You’re willing to binge watch shows with me. We literally watched three seasons of The Great British Baking Show with me, and you weren’t like okay maybe chill down on the netflix Michaela

90. You spent like a week straight with me, and you somehow didn’t get tired of me or decide that you hated me, or come to some realization that I am a mess that should be avoided at all costs

91. You give me your pickles at Chick-fil-a. Normally I would consider it a problem that you don’t like pickles, but I think I can let it slide and actually consider it a good thing because of this specific reason

92. When we were on our way to go bowling when I was super upset I put you in charge of music in the car, and you put on that one Area21 song that I’m always saying I love, and I know it wasn’t like anything big, but like it lowkey meant a lot to me

93. You let me talk about my friends with you. Like you’ll let me explain all of their problems and all of these elaborate theories I have about their lives to you, and you don’t get annoyed with me for doing that. You just let me talk, and it’s nice

94. Bread OH MY GOD. You’ll go with me to get bread even though you know that I’m going to be useless for the next few hours after eating it, and you don’t just look disappointed in me for ignoring my gluten intolerance

95. Soft Girls Club playlist. It’s just so good. It’s so good

96. Same. Christmas. Present. Idea. Trick ass bitch. Lowkey I guess that’s kinda cute though

97. You’re okay with my job. I was really afraid to tell you what I actually did for money because I guess it would make sense for you to not be okay with it, but you are okay with it, and I wasn’t expecting that, so it’s just really cool

98. You don’t get we’rd about me making jokes about how slutty I was, and occasionally you’ll make them too. Some people get really fucking weird about this, and then I feel weird about it, and then it just kills my mood, but you don’t, and that’s great

99. You took care of me when I had my stomach ulcer, and you didn’t get mad at me for literally just sleeping in your bed and puking in your bathroom all day. Bless your soul for putting up with literally all of my health problems

100. I say I love you on accident kinda a lot, and idk maybe I do kinda almost mean it, but it has only been like three months, and it’s way too early to be saying that by normal relationship standards, and you don’t get hella weird about it, which is really nice considering how often I keep doing that

101. You put up with the fact that all of my friends are actually certifiably crazy. Like Alex is getting a little weird about the whole Carlo thing right now, but you’re not getting weird about how she’s getting weird, and you’re being supportive of me being supportive, and it’s just nice

102. Oh man. I literally had a seizure during sex, and you weren’t like hmm maybe this girl is a little too much. Maybe I should save myself. You were just like nah it’s cool

103. You’ll just sit on FaceTime with me when I’m feeling meh. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but you just kinda being there is helpful

104. You still text me back even when I’m being a drunk mess and making no sense. “Son I don’t have water just sink”

105. Drunk you being like I’LL CALL YOU AN UBER RN JUST COME OVER was actually one of the most adorable things ever honestly. I just think about that sometimes and awwww

106. Every single time I hear anything from one of your friends about any conversation you had with them about me before you admitted you were into me is just so cute. Like oh my god of course I liked you back

107. The fact that your twitter is literally four random retweets and three replies to my fwitter account is kinda hilarious. Definitely good enough to count as as reason

108. You’ll talk to me on the phone when I’m driving so that I don’t drive my car off of the bridge. This doesn’t seem that big, but it is

109. You’ve been putting up with the fact that I’ve been a broke bitch for the past few weeks and paying for things like Carlo’s birthday dinner, and I really hate when people do that for me, but also thank you so much for doing that for me

110. You taught me how to find someone’s nipples. Ty for teaching me useful skills

111. No dying rule. It’s a pretty good rule. Glad it exists

112. You don’t hate your ex. Okay I know that this might seem like a weird reason, but I think it says a lot about a person when they can be like okay yeah that relationship didn’t work out, and we were both at fault, and that’s okay, and I wish them the best

113. You’re eskimo brothers with Alex, and I’m eskimo brothers with Carlo. Maybe this shouldn’t count for anything, but it does

114. You believe in me even when my parents don’t, which is really insanely helpful right now. Oh my god 

115. You are so cute in your fancy clothes oh my god. So adorable. I’m so lucky to have you 

116. You’re actually down for beer die with Justin, and he’s hella down. He’s actually trying to coordinate it rn, soooo that would be rad if it actually happened

117. Idk if I’ve said this yet, but Stephen introduced me to you, and that’s actually so great. Like I can trust his opinion on damn near anyone, so the fact that he was like hey this guy is cool says a lot 

118. I know I mentioned vines already, but you quote the vines with me, and that’s so important. Thank you for participating in vine quotes with me 

119. Hanging out with you is literally the best part of my week tbh. Like I just look forward to seeing you, and I’ve never had that feeling before, and it’s great 

120. Your sister added me on Facebook! And I think she’s great, even though I don’t know her yet. Just Slytherin things tbh 

121. I feel like you see the best in me. Like I could hate myself, but I feel like you can’t, which is wild because I’m such a mess 

122. You like Harry Potter. Oh my god that’s so important. I care so much about this fandom, and I’m glad that I don’t have to feel weird about it 

123. We have a Twitter message with Carlo now! I feel like I’ve successfully infiltrated your friend group 

124. Sometimes I make really really bad jokes, and you still laugh at them. I really appreciate that 

125. You’ve never gotten cum in my eyes. I know this sounds weird, but it’s happened enough times that it matters

126. You always help me carry things. It’s so unnecessary 99% of the time, but I still really like it when you do it

127. You let me meet Dan’s girlfriend on FaceTime! Thank you for letting me insert myself into your life in all possible ways

128. The tape. I know there’s a whole post about this already, but thank you so much for looking for my tape with me when I wanted to pretend that was the biggest problem in my life so that I could pretend that my other problems didn’t exist

129. You let me vent to you. Sometimes everything in my life feels like a mess, and honestly there isn’t a whole lot that can fix any of it a lot of the time, but you let me talk to you about it, and that’s honestly the most helpful thing

130. You want to get a candle for your room that I’ll enjoy. THAT’S SO FUCKING SWEET OF YOU OH MY GOD

131. You’re starting to get interested in Carlex. I have shipped them so hard since day one! We can be the Carlex fan club. We can make bracelets!

132. You’re so good at Cards Against Humanity. I don’t understand, but you’re actually ridiculously good at this game. It’s super not fair, but also wow life skills

133. You actually like hanging out with my friends. This is so amazing. You not hating my friends is so important and amazing. Wow. Literally Dakota never let me have friends that weren’t his, and Max hates all of my friends and talks shit about them as soon as they leave, but you’re willing to hang out with them, and that’s so amazing

134. You don’t hate the fact that there was (and there still kinda is) a slutty Michaela. And you aren’t weirded out by my fapchat or the following that it had (has?)

135. We can get hyped about the same concerts together! Like wow. We have Crush, Wobbleland, Brownies & Lemonade, Coachella, and EDC all within the next few months together, and I’m so excited for all of that! 

136. We can still function as individuals without each other. Like you could have your party at your house, and I could go to Nicole’s thing, and obviously I wish that you had been there, but neither one of us is mad at the other for doing different things that night, which is rad

137. Drunk FaceTime calls. Maybe I mentioned these already. I probably did. I just think they’re so funny. And they’re fun. And we can both be drunk and dumb together. And maybe I forget most of what happens and most of what we say on them, but we just kinda keep doing it

138. Even though I was the biggest fucking mess the first time we took acid together, you’re willing to do it with me again. Not only that, but you’re willing to do it with me at a concert. Hell yeah. Let’s go! I’ll be better this time lol

139. You aren’t hella mad that I won’t be able to do anything for Valentine’s Day since I’ll literally be in class until 9:55 that night

140. You have good taste in Girl Scout cookies. This might seem like it’s something small, but I care a lot about Girl Scout cookies

141. You want a dog, which is great because I want a dog, but I live in a small apartment with cats, so I can’t have one, but you can have one, and that’s what matters

142. You watched me put someone’s phone and then my own fist into my mouth, and for some reason you still want to date me. Not sure why, but I’ll take it

143. You’ll drink my (trashy) wine with me. You don’t complain and tell me that it isn’t real wine or that it’s wine for freshmen or something stupid like that. You just drink it with me

144. We somehow (kinda accidentally) got coked out and then drunk and watched Dallas Buyers Club and Moana while you did coding challenges. I guess it doesn’t seem like anything special, but it was just a weird combination of things, and I really enjoyed it, but I also feel like it’s one of those things that I feel like I couldn’t do with other people. Like it was one of those “only with you” things, and idk it was just cool

145. You remind me to take my Lactaid. Thank you for helping me not die

146. I lowkey make fun of you a lot for taking sooooo long to make an actual move on me, but I’m highkey so glad that we had a good friendship first because wow everything is just so great now, and you’re so great, and yeah 

147. You don’t make me feel hella bad about my weird quirks like not wanting to bite things in front of other people or hating metal utensils

148. Naps. You take naps. Naps are so important, and I love naps, but a lot of people hate them. You are not one of those people

149. When I was high af and dancing around on FaceTime last night, you didn’t make me feel like I looked hella dumb even though I know I looked hella dumb

150. Going along with that last reason, when you randomly FaceTimed me, I got so excited. Dillon was in the room with me, and I went from chillin to OH MY GOD MATT IS CALLING ME I’M SO HYPED

151. You help me sort out my life when I start feeling overwhelmed. This is super not your responsibility, but it’s so insanely helpful, so that’s amazing

152. You sat with me on FaceTime until I fell asleep after I came home drunk from the night before at 2 pm on a Sunday. And somehow you thought that was cute? Sounds fake, but okay

153. I posted not so great pictures of you on twitter, and you responded with an embarrassing video of me instead of getting annoyed with me. What more could I want in a significant other?

154. You’re going to be my Coachella buddy when Lauren and I don’t want to see the same artists, and that’s so great!

155. The other day I was talking to Max about you, and I cried because of how great you are and how helpful you’ve been and just everything about you. I cried. Literal tears

156. You sent me one of those obnoxious slutty holiday chain texts that I love, and you didn’t make fun of me for loving those, and you said you would send me more whenever you got them. Wow. Yay

157. Last night when I was walking with Kimmy, we were talking about Crush, Wobbleland, and EDC, and she was like wtf you guys are such a rave couple, and at first I was like nah, but then I was kinda like wait yah.. But like.. It’s cute

158. I can talk to you about how annoying the whole Irlanda/PiKapp situation is without having to worry about everybody finding out about it, which is nice because PiKapp is hella trying to keep it on the down low

159. You don’t hate me for venting about my problems with Irlanda. I don’t get how she’s still a problem in my life, but I also don’t get how I haven’t figured out how to deal with all of this on my own by now

160. Wine and movie nights take literally no effort, and I love them, so I’m glad that you’re willing to do those with me

161. You save my oblivious ass from mosh pits. I might actually be dead without you

162. You don’t mind me hanging out with your friends when you’re not there, which is great because I like all of your friends

163. You actually felt bad about having me kinda surprise meet your sister, which shows that you actually made a note of it when I said that surprise family meetings were the only thing that I could really see myself being upset about, and like yeah it made me really anxious, but it wasn’t terrible

164. I love your sister. She’s smart, and funny, and gorgeous, and definitely a Slytherin, and maybe this shouldn’t count because it’s about her instead of you, but I’m going to count this anyway because your family is an extension of you. I am v worried that I didn’t make the best first impression though, but I guess I’ll just have to try really hard next time

165. We took acid together again, and you didn’t have a drug induced realization that you don’t actually want to date me anymore, so that’s nice

166. You are my boyfriend, my festie bestie, and my rave bae all in one, and that’s the greatest combo ever tbh

167. You got me Asa Akira’s book omfg. I’m mad because I’m a terrible gift giver, and now it’s very clear that you’re an amazing gift giver, so I’m always going to be stressed about gifts now, but omg wow. Great book. Great present. A+

168. You’re interested in going on a concert cruise with me, and so far you are literally the only person who I’ve mentioned this to who is actually willing to try to save up for one

169. You have now dealt with my dumb ass crying uncontrollably while on acid two times. I’m sorry that I do this every time. I don’t know why it happens

170. You have good taste in candle scents. Floral candles are almost always the way to go tbh

171. You don’t hate that I spend an absurd amount of time at your house, which is nice because I love it there (except for the fact that showering there isn’t really a thing)

172. Even though I feel like it probably won’t happen, the fact that you even mentioned trying to get me a little at your house is so amazing. I care so much about littles and my Greek fam, and you know that, and that’s great

173. You will let me talk endlessly about Carlex with you. I know I talk about them a lot, but I just really care about them, and you’ll analyze their relationship with me. It’s like watching reality TV together, but it’s just reality, and it’s not on TV, and it’s our friends

174. You didn’t make fun of me for cooking far too much spinach and then not being able to eat it because I had already eaten toast. Thanks for putting up with me and all of my food issues. Also, please venmo charge me for my food

175. You’ll let me come grocery shopping with you. I know that usually this is seen as a mundane task, but it’s actually something that I really enjoy doing just in general, but especially with you

176. You let me meet your family, which is wild because I don’t feel like I’m impressive enough to be shown off to parents, but for some reason you feel like  I am

177. You didn’t get mad or annoyed with me because I spent the whole first night with your family crying because of how insecure I am about my major (but you did kinda make fun of me for being obvious even when I’m trying to hide that I’m crying, ya dick)

178. You let me meet your friends! I guess you didn’t really have much of a choice here because you kinda had to bring me along, but I’m going to count it. They seemed cool! I mean, one of them said “The BART,” but everything besides that was fine

179. You don’t get mad at me for being literally the worst navigator ever, which is amazing because I suck

180. You went to Holy Matcha with me! I am in love with this cafe, and I obviously can’t go back for a while because I spilled everywhere, but wow I got to have my two favorite things at the same time; Matt and matcha

181. You actually want to spend your spring break with me, which I feel like means a lot because this is your last spring break, and you should be doing fun things, but like.. you’re hanging out with me, and I just feel like you could be doing cooler things tbh

182. You let me get you pants! And honestly you should let me get you more pants because you need more khakis, but this is a start. Baby steps

183. Shinx loves you. She doesn’t just come hang out with anyone. She avoids most of my friends, but she comes and sits on you, which is adorable

184. You don’t get annoyed with my music choice and with my singing in the car, which is super cool because I’m even annoyed with myself

185. You don’t get annoyed with me being obnoxious and taking videos of everything you do, so that’s super nice because I’m going to keep doing it so that I can add more to the video of you, which is super cute tbh

186. You always offer to help me out in any way you can no matter what the situation is, and I know that I always tell you that I appreciate it, but I like really really appreciate it

187. Honestly I keep adding to the video I’m making of you, and it literally just makes me so happy whenever I watch it. Like just seeing it is enough to make me smile, and it’s literally a video that I’ve seen a thousand times, so that’s p special

188. You get drugs for me, which is super nice because I’m generally terrible about getting my own, so ty for that

189. You let me drag you around places in Livermore, and I talk shit about Livermore a lot because it does suck, but it’s also very near and dear to my heart, and I’m glad I got to share my downtown area and my creek with you. Also, next time I’m going to make you go into Donut Wheel with me, just saying

190. I’ve started to not hate black coffee, and that’s because of you. I��m not sure if this is a good thing or not, but I’ll count it

191. You’re supportive of whatever I do, which now includes trying to be friends with Irlanda, and I get that that’s weird, and I def think it’s weird too, but it’s rad that you don’t mind that I’m doing it

192. You’re riding in my car with me and Lauren to Coachella! Excited is a complete understatement when it comes to this. I don’t think there’s a word for how stoked I am that we’re going to all be together for this

193. You don’t get annoyed with me wanting to take pictures together. Honestly, I think I’m more annoyed with myself that you are with me

194. Whenever I get excited about something, you’re the first person I want to tell. Whenever anything cool happens, I want to share that with you because you’re the first person I want to share my happiness with, and idk maybe this shouldn’t count as a reason, but I’m counting it as a reason

195. At this point, I have a toothbrush, shampoo, conditioner, and a bunch of hair ties all living at your house. Thanks for letting me leave things there

196. The drunk texts you send me are absurd and hilarious, and I love them and you

197. You always hype me up whenever I send you a selfie, and it’s definitely annoying because wtf I don’t deserve it, but it’s also kinda nice, and it makes me feel good about myself

198. We can have normal adult conversations whenever we have problems, and oh my god wow. This is wild. A relationship where we can talk to each other about things that bother us and sort out any issues before they become actual issues? Groundbreaking

199. You let me rant about things that I’m passionate about like feminism, sex workers’ rights, and the adult industry, and you don’t complain or tell me that you’ve heard me say it a million times before, and this is all really important to me, so this is really big tbh

200. You’re such an all around amazing human being that I was able to make a 200 point list about things I like and/or appreciate about you, and that’s pretty astounding. I don’t like most people this much, so this is p special.

Also I think I’m going to start making new posts for every 200 points, maybe every 100. It just makes it easier tbh

[beautiful-systems-dying]

all the nosy anons;)

…well fuck buckle up y’all

0:Height not 100% sure but I think 160 cm (5′3″)

1: Age: 16 in less than two weeks

2:Shoe size 38?

3:Do you smoke? kinda yeah but I’m trying not to

4:Do you drink? yeah

5: Do you take drugs? not yet (i mean i never have but my stoner friend is changing schools soon so I kinda asked her to let me smoke some eth her before she goes)

6:Age you get mistaken for preteen or young adult (as in not a teen). don’t ask me how.

7:Have tattoos? nah

8:Want any tattoos ? yes, though not sure about the design yet

9:Got any piercings? yeah I got both my ear lobes pierced tho I don’t have any earings i like so i don’t wear any

10:Want any piercings? yeah I kinda want a helix

11:Best friend? A friend I met at a con two years ago named Omer who I love and is a great friend

12:Relationship status  tragically single

13:Biggest turn ons umm Idk dude. Pulling off a smug smile? neck kisses? umm idkkkkk

14:Biggest turn offs a bad personality mostly, bad hygiene, idk?

15:Favorite movie ahhhhhhhidki don’t really watch movies? Lemonade mouth maybe?

16:I’ll love you if

You’re caring, genuine, reassuring,idk how to explain but like, good moral support kinds?

17:Someone you miss idkkk my best friend maybe?

18:Most traumatic experience lol you’re really asking someone with CPTSD that? TW in white (hopefully)

Let’s say something involving being hit then pinned against my bed and having my mouth covered once I attempt screaming for help.(i feel i should clarify it was not sexual assault)

End of TW

19: A fact about your personality It’s bad? idk.

20:What I hate most about myself lol just one thing? I’m too mean   and I hate my body and voice

21:What I love most about myself umm I’m very caring and I think I’m good at helping and supporting people? idk. I love my morals and ideals and i stand up for what’s right and like. idk,

22:What I want to be when I get older  no clue. I’m actually really struggling with that cause I decided/realised I most likely won’t kill myself and now I need to realise what I wanna do with all this time I now have

23:My relationship with my sibling(s) I’m a single child 

24:My relationship with my parent(s) with mum it used to be real bad for the past year or two but she recently had a change 0of heart and it’s pretty good now. my dad has been abusive throughout my life and I dislike him and mostly avoid him.

25:My idea of a perfect date idk.. talking, telling each other stories, being in a nice pleasant place like maybe by the sea or something. The interaction is what matters I’m not really the type who cares about what we’re doing. Not the movie theatre type tho watching something inhome could be fun, I jsut want to be able to talk and interact and all.

26: My biggest pet peeves the way certain things sound or feel (yey sensory issues), when people accidentally touch me or touch me without me knowing it’s gonna happen, (sensory issues again) and like idk certain view i guess idki have more i know it but icant think of any

27:A description of the girl/boy I like *I…don’t have romantic feelings towards anyone

28:A description of the person I dislike the most I’m not sure which it is so either a forty-year-old fat guy at 174 cm with constant stubble, long black curls and brown eyes or a short old woman with short grey hair or a chubby average height 15-year-old boy with short black hair, large cheeks and very noticeable lips

29:A reason I’ve lied to a friend so that they don’t worry about me

30:What I hate the most about work/school It’s very draining and I’m forced to hear ignorant hateful people the whole time and constantly being misgendered and too much noise

31:What my last text message says translated from hebrew: “the song that’s actually good (and that while less than other songs from the performance demonstrates why compared to the rest of the program I feel like a bad singer) youtube link the funniest song (that demonstrates how weird the program’s arrangements can get sometimes) _ youtube link_”

32:What words upset me the most Slurs i suppose, mostly the f word and a local trans slur

33:What words make me feel the best about myself idk umm. telling me I’ve helped a lot or made someone feel alot better or something like being happy to know me or. idk. something indicating I’m loved or that I’m helpful

34:What I find attractive in women ahhhhhhhha um a nice face? pretty hair? idk um ahh shoulders? a pretty smile? freckles maybe? idk I might be bi but I’m effectively gay

35:What I find attractive in men pretty eyes and a nice face, a defined jawline, cheekbones, a nice haircut that isn’t super short and hair that isn’t straight (either curly or wavy), a nice smile!! maybe with dimples, a cute laugh, freckles can be nice but aren’t necessary, that kind of skinny guy muscles?the “i don’t work out but my arms still look mice” kinda thing. generally, i love the kind of skinny-fit body type which is neither super tall and gangly but isn’t the typical abs and muscles type most people love  but i mean the somewhat more wide shoulders and muscles types can be really hot too and umm. nice eyebrows lol and like sounds weird but not straight? Idk when I feel like someone is queer they tend to be more attractive somehow. ohhh and a pretty voice which isn’t super high (not necessarily low not. superr high.) and either really confident or appear confident and smooth or cute and blushy.

That’s so gay look how much i went on about men and look at the women part

36:Where I would like to live idk!! in the city for sure, im a city boy. Maybe tel aviv which I live by or somewhere in south England or Canada. idk.

37:One of my insecurities my voice and general appearance, mainly jaw,neck,hips, smile, teeth, butt and chest

38:My childhood career choice a scientist/inventor who’s also an author

39:Myfavorite ice cream flavor a mixture of strawberry and chocolate

40:Who I wish I could be a cisgender neurotypical guy

but on a more achievable note, someone who’s relatively happy and is good and capable of helping people and making the world a better place.

41:Where I want to be right now

idk. kinda wanna be at the beach, just… walking in the water.

42:The last thing I ate chocolate

43:Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately …pass

44:A random fact about anything   IDK how it was translated but in the bible (meaning the old testament) they never call the language hebrew hebrew- they call it Jewish