#also apparently my aesthetic is pathetic wet cat of a person

[lunapwrites]

Interview Music Tag Game

RULES: Put your playlist on shuffle. For each of the 10 interview questions, select a lyric from the random song that comes up. (Skip if there aren't any lyrics and make sure to drop the name of the song in your interview answer!) ❤️

(Many thanks to the supremely lovely @femme--de--lettres for the tag, this is 100% my shit.)

So uh. I used my "liked music" playlist for this (which has been compiling music for a decade) so it wouldn't have a particular flavor, and apparently it chose one anyway, and that flavor was violence.

I apologize beforehand lmao.

1. First off, how would you describe yourself in one sentence?

"But I'm okay in see-through skin; I forgive what is within 'cause I'm in this house, I'm in this home all my time." - Crystals, Of Monsters and Men.

2. What kind of [Cancer] are you?

"Holding our breath now, we're screaming without sound, we're trembling as everything falls completely apart." - The Calamity, Trivium

3. You're visiting your favorite spot. What are you thinking about?

"Drift in and out, the light of the morning drags me back. I need release. Separate this body from my mind." - Ebb And Flow, Misery Signals

4. If your life was a movie, what do you think the first review would say about it?

"Finding a way to die alone is better than what I was shown." - Dissociation, The Dillinger Escape Plan (ouch.)

5. Say you get a book deal, what are you titling your memoir?

"Sidetracked." - Low Light, Pearl Jam

6. What would you say about your best friends?

"So believe in me, believe them, you think I'll let you down? Well I won't." - You Won't Know, Brand New

7. Think back to when you had everything figured out in high school, what was your life motto as a teenager?

"You have to live before you die young." - Ghost of Perdition, Opeth

8. Describe your aesthetic now.

"I walk to the borders on my own and fall in the water just like a stone, chilled to the marrow in them bones - why do I go here all alone?" - Riverside, Agnes Obel

9. What's a lyric that they'll quote in your eulogy?

"Who else would take your place and hold and keep me safe?" - Marked For Death, Emma Ruth Rundle

10. And for our final question, say we believe in soulmates, what do you think their first impression of meeting you will be?

"Gorgeous was his savior, sees her drowning in his wake." - Tremor Christ, Pearl Jam

RUDE OF YOU, SPOTIFY. VERY RUDE.

Also because I'm The Most, I've compiled this all into a separate playlist. So enjoy or something.

Anyway I am going to tag @bluesundaycake @allalrightagain aaaaand maybe @felixantares would also like to play. :) And of course, anyone who I may have neglected to add while I'm suffering from mortal wounds over here lol.

[cazuela-time]

Ok so I've been having a sexuality crisis now that i got a boyfriend and got to experience stuff with a guy. I thought about it a lot and i reached the conclusion that a) i like him platonically, and b) I'm probably a lesbian. and i was super sure about it today but i saw the quiet place movie a few hours ago and i love male characters that are so wet and pathetic - but like, in a cat kinda way?? Like i would kiss them but in the same sense i would kiss my cat for being cute. Not in a particularly romantic sense but i do think that they're very cute?

Anyway i was thinking that and being like shit maybe im not actually gay if i like these male characters - i obviously like their personalities and shiet but the thing that makes me really like em is their look

By look i mean wet and pathetic, bloodied or fucked up in some sense, tired and nerdy looking (eric from quiet place, newt from pacific rim,etc) and then i has a small thought non thought? Like i thought it but it caught me by surprise, because for a second i was like "i wish i was him" and the thing is im non binary in the sense that i dont percieve my gender - HAVE I JUST WANTED TO LOOK LIKE THEM THIS WHOLE TIME ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IS THAT IT?? I WANTED TO STEAL THEIR GENDER PRESENTATION?

Im being so fr i always thought they were cute and so i assumed it was attraction. Did i confuse gender envy with attraction?? I am having a crisis.

WHAT EVEN IS ATTRACTION IM SO CONFUSED.

Like, i like how these brand of fictional guy look - their personalities and aesthetic are very appealing to me and sometimes i like them to the point of wanting to put them in my pocket and like, squeeze them like a little stress ball.

And if i think about real guys in my life, ive liked 3 guys -

first one i have absolutely no recollection but my mum said i had a crush so whatever (also fun fact a lil boy tried to kiss me as a toddler and apparently i wanted to NOT so bad that i got a head injury by banging my head on furniture while backing up FAST lol).

Second was in elementary and we were friends. I dont remember liking him before i asked who he liked to make conversation but i remember i thought he implied he liked me and i liked him from there on (which was like two hours lol) and later when he admited it was another girl i felt heartbroken but i immediately got over it lmao.

And last was in high school - we were becoming fast friends and i liked him a lot, but when i thought about like kissing him and stuff i got this nervous feeling like it was wrong somehow. Also i chose a guy to like in middle school but i dont count that one.

To me, all these seem very shallow? But i dont know if thats normal or if im remembering wrong or remembering what i want to remember or what.

But if i think ab it, i could never have sex with them i think. And this applies to all men ive met too - If i imagine it the whole thing feels cold,,,like detached? Like i guess it'd be fine and we would be closer as a result (like, to bond?) But i dont think it'd be particularly fun?

THEN IF I COMPARE IT TO WOMEN i dont really like many female characters? Like I'm struggling to think of any i really really like besides Grace from ready or not and Pearl from pearl (and Maxine from x and Amber from Scream - the blood thing and that they can kill is cool ngl) and while I've thought about a friend like "i wish we could be together forever" type of thing, ive never had a crush on a girl -

But if i think about sex, if i picture it with a girl, it seems warm. Like it'd be very peaceful and like joyful? Like it would be fun. But its similar to when i think of it with men: it has no passion? Is that wrong? Am i not supposed to be passionate about it?

The hardest part is that i can't figure it out because I DONT FEEL ANYTHING?? WITH ANYONE???? PEOPLE TELL ME THEY LOOK AT CERTAIN PPL AND THEY THINK "oh yeah i wanna fuck and kiss that person" and im like WHAT??? IVE NEVER IN MY LIFE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT??? i look at people and im like, yes, thats a person who is good looking, but nothing else?????

Like, i read and love nagata kabi's works and she has this part about how she and other people have a lust thing? And i looked at that and was so confused because I've never felt anything like that - bit i related to a lot of things she says. So maybe I'm asexual?? Or demisexual???

So yeah, im confused as fuck.

I somehow feel like I'm a lesbian (i literally made a huge list detailing every sapphic occurrence in my life, like for example the fact that my one and only "sex dream" was about a blonde girl in a bathtub) but i also kinda feel like what if I'm wrong? What if I'm lying to myself and I'm actually straight or bisexual?