#also also i love saying something isn't clickbait when it's literally not even close to being clickbait idk why it's just funny to me

[simplepotatofarmer]

cc!techno roleplay appreciation*!

(*actual, not clickbait)

there's been so much negativity about techno's rp style that i just want to make a post of all the things i adore and appreciate

he has excellent timing. whether it's with logging in at exactly the right moment - the pet war, the red banquet - or speaking up at the best time - 'that's going to be a problem, dream' - or chat comments. honestly, the little moments that he pops in to make some quip in chat only to leave again are wonderful. they lightening the mood or show some insight to his perspective and i love it.

on that same note, it's really endearing to me that he so clearly watches his friends' streams closely enough to do that! he's invested in what they're doing, even when he's not actually involved.

he's extremely consistent with not only his style but his reactions and his character. that isn't to say his character hasn't changed but that he's always changed in a way that was consistent and made sense. he's given in character explanations as to why his character reacts the way he does in serious situations, stating that he deals poorly with them. it sets up the perfect reason for him to stick to his desire to keep his streams light.

again, on that note, his streams honestly are perfect for people like me who struggle with anxiety/ptsd. i can watch them without worry or concern that it might trigger me. i know exactly what i'm getting with a techno lore stream.

he still manages to keep up the suspense, despite being extremely consistent with his tone. it'd be easy to think that nothing bad will ever happen to his character but we've seen bad things happen. i remember being worried for both him and carl during the butcher army bit. when he gave his will to phil, i was honestly emotional and concerned for him!

he's great at visual roleplay and playing to the camera. techno's ability to pick the right moment to look at the camera/turn to the person he's talking to, is so so wonderful. it always adds a punch of humor or serves to highlight something important. both the birthday and prison stream are great examples of that! his looks back to his friends, showing how they're his support, the clear and deliberate focusing on important aspects of the prison so we know that he knows it's a trap without spelling it out. he sets up a ton of visual subtext and it's amazing.

his character arc is touching and well-written. it is absolutely heart-warming to see a character that entered the story to help others, felt betrayed and used and struggled with those feelings, who thought being alone was the only way to be safe, learn to trust his friends and be safe with them.

techno shows us how subtle changes and losses can be just as impactful as large and dramatic ones. techno's character has suffered losses and hurts and deals with those in a consistent for his character way. it's subtle but it's there. going off to the north, becoming a pacifist which was a complete 180 for him was great because it was a small thing but a realistic one to seeing your tactic fail. and his changes now are also subtle but impactful! starting the syndicate was a show of how he's changed. he never really spells these things out for us, but allows us to see it.

he has amazing lines that stick with you. i got into dsmp because of techno and specifically because of his 'i'm a person!' and 'don't you see what's happening here?' lines. they're poignant, they're always spot on in character, and they're always delivered so well. he has a great way of acting that is consistent to his character and style yet still hits you hard. 'for you the world' is said so softly and with so much affection that i honestly tear up thinking about it.

speaking of, his acting is just great. his slow deliberate laughs, the hint of panic when he's trying to stall in high pressure situations, the firm but gentle attempts at comforting others - 'healing's a long process, it's fine' 'it's okay, calm down, dream' - and the worry and fear that comes out when his friends are in danger (phil under house arrest, ranboo being trapped in the hole by bad). it's great and never seems out of place for his character!

he gives us so many insights into his character merely by the way he interacts with the world and other characters. it's honestly so refreshing to see a character that really just shows us what he's like through small actions. i love seeing those moments because they all add up to this big, complex picture. we get to see it all, from big moments like his speeches and doomsday to small moments like feeding animals and giving food to people and it's all just as important!

cc!techno, despite real life challenges, tries to include as many people as he can. hearing niki and puffy etc. talk about how he's always trying to include people was just so sweet. during the birthday stream, he kept focusing on niki and trying to give her attention and i genuinely thought that was great.

the writing for his character is wonderful. as a former english major and writer myself, i love the stories/arcs he writes for his character. again, it's always consistent and makes sense but it also serves as something different! it's a different perspective and style, a different type of a character, one that doesn't have large obvious changes, but does change and more impactfully, brings change with him.

as a long time RPer and DM, cc!techno is exactly the kind of rp partner i would want or the sort of player i would want at my table. he brings something different but easy to work with. he's happy to step back and let other people have their moments. he reacts in a way that's easy for others to play off of but also keeps things light which is helpful because rp can be high pressure, especially in front of such a large audience and live. his presence is comforting and i love when you can hear his friends trying not to laugh.

"i have a pickaxe and i'll put it through your teeth!"

anyway, as someone with adhd and anxiety, i just want to say i appreciate cc!techno and his roleplaying so much! it's comforting, it's easy for me to understand his tone, his emotions come through clearly without being overwhelming and he genuinely adds so much to the server and story!

[kidmachinate]

Making Peace With a Part of Me

My therapist is a sweet lady. She tells me things I know but won’t acknowledge fully. There’s this part of me that might as well be its own separate person, that I sometimes see in the mirror instead of the person I know I can be and mostly show to others. I can take a defeatist attitude. On good days, I just joke around how my memory just doesn’t work. Except it isn’t a joke. I genuinely in games or otherwise can’t remember how I got from point A to point B more often than I’d like to admit. Having it together in life doesn’t mean I’m not without feelings. Sadness. Despair. Depression and anxiety. They suck. The “Part of Me” that I’ve learned to work with. My “Badeline” persona of sorts.

Unforeseen circumstances have taken place and my sessions may have to be put on hold. This doesn’t mean I can’t reflect on what I’ve learned. How far I’ve come. How it is very much okay to be not okay. What’s not okay are the eyes that look over us all and tell us things must be a certain way or no way at all. It’s a closed minded view of things and helps no one. It is highly insensitive as so much more than I even realized, isn’t quite as black and white as we’d like to believe. I want to address a few things and this will likely come out as crude as possible at times, for the sake of both transparency, and perhaps make some of the misunderstood out there more comfortable.

My faith in humanity is...questionable. Lots of moments I shake my head at but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt first. Respect isn’t “earned”, it should be granted from the start. Expect the good from one...until they prove otherwise...and this is where I slip fast. I’ve given very little leverage here at times with others, which is good for the ones who seek not to help themselves. Too much leverage however gets you into trouble. It led to tragic moments I’ve referenced on here before but that’s in the past. We need to be compassionate because it’s one thing to just get shit done. I’m all for that. Not always easy though. America likes to avoid mental health because it’s scary or people are ashamed. Perhaps not just America but even with people more open about all this, it is still a joke to many. We should be more focused on strengthening mental health education than blaming video games. Seeing the good in people is both a blessing and a curse and I’m trying not to buy too much into the negative side of that. In becoming more self-aware however, I’m trusting my gut more. Ignoring what is true to you is the way to slowly start losing your mind. It’s not a place I’m going back to.

I’m good at avoiding people it seems, but it isn't something I always want to do. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I look like crap? What if I get judged for what I wear? What if I say the one wrong thing that ruins a great friendship or relationship? Should I REALLY be that concerned to begin with? Probably not. This is me however. While I stay away from others, in part lately, this is for legitimate self-care purposes. Us introverts need to recharge and all that. However...while I may seem at times like I kinda hate people, I do LOVE connecting people. Community efforts. Getting people chatting about stuff that matters or that I like, even if I don’t fully understand it. I’ve had my thoughts of being a therapist of sorts but I dunno...think it might break me. I can bring help/hope to people in my current ways but not on that kind of scale. Absorbing emotions and such, better at a level where I can manage it and am not forced into it. Forced into it...hmm...

You know what really fucking sucks? Being forced to do literally anything. I can decide myself dammit. Except for when I can’t. That sucks. But I should be allowed to go through that process on my own. Not mocked when I don’t instantly give an answer. How about...if I don’t give an answer, just assume no? Silence is a response too. A powerful one at that, depending on situation. I get we are in a age of instant gratification but anything worthwhile in life requires work. Work which we all need to do to live. Work at times also however, does involve working on ourselves with or without the use of meds and/or a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist. Depression and anxiety are one thing. Combining that with feeling mostly understood by many is another. If there’s a personality disorder involved however, things can get even more complex. Being curious about what makes people tick always has me looking for perhaps why someone acted a certain way. Now of course if they keep just being a jackass or selfish, you can introduce them to the book your foot wrote...or just tell em to fuck off. Me however...ever heard of the INFJ doorslam? People that have gotten it haven’t come back. No regrets.

You know what else sucks? Having to force yourself out of bed because you feel like a legit piece of shit. But hey...gotta work in the morning, right? The machine mentality kicks in...but then who are you if everything is just on autopilot. The machine mentality however puts me in gear to do all the stuff I’m used to. Being responsible. Adulting. I’m convinced the only reason it is “easy” (sort of) for me is because I’m used to doing much of this alone. Alone. That always sucks to realize, eh? But I’m consistently telling people they aren’t alone. I don’t want people to feel like I do at times, or other can and will do to themselves on a bad day. How can you help others if you can’t help yourself? Um...I just...do? The shit happens. Don’t ask me how tho. Depending on the day, I won’t be able to tell you.

The balance between being the light at the end of the tunnel and a defeatist attitude is a daily struggle. Depression sucks for me and it has gotten worse. Anxiety is not as big a deal but I’ve also found out what a panic attack is like multiple times this year, so there’s that. When it hits is hits. Just gotta be ready to roll with the punches. Music, gaming, and seeking mental health knowledge/help helps with that. Knowledge is power...unless it is clickbait or ACTUAL fake news. No one needs that crap. Social media...that can be crap. I took a break for a weekend. It was nice. Try it sometime. You’d be amazed at the results.

How can I put a voice out there when my own shit isn’t together? Maybe that’s the point. Maybe that is part of the vision to begin with. I’m still figuring it out. Many still are and just not admitting it. The second you think you know it all you’ve lost in life. That and I don’t want to talk to you. You and the horse your ego rode in on can go off a bridge.

One more thing on this digital pad. Love. The word gets tossed around too much to even determine what it means but it is also one of those things without question. I prefer the spiritual connections. The ones with more understanding and less explaining. When you do explain, it is understood. Judgment free zone. Funny from a INFJ, eh? It's possible dammit!

It's okay to not be okay. That's what we need to tell our bad selves without letting it consume us. Is that it? From from it...but I'm working on ways to express the good and bad in more positive manners. Until then, reach out if you need help. Always. Don't you dare go hollow.