#also a whole 'deer in the headlights' thing because. yknow.

[hardware-sparks]

This drawing's like a year old but I still think about it a lot. That painterly style was fun! kinda

[fizzysugarwater]

Uhhh no title for this one

This is just the product of my brain when I ask “What if Cole had had Enough of Jay skirting around his actual attempts at flirting and passing them off as him trying to get with Nya, and got fed up with him and at the ToE duel just kissed him on the moUTH-” Enjoy!

A/N: I use fessin’ as a ninjagan version of frickin bc I physically cannot imagine jay saying frick, but he doesn’t swear in this so. also fessin sounds like someone tryna pronounce FSM phonetically (which is a thing I’ll talk about in my ninjagan expletives hc post in the near future)

Out on the hexagon tiles of Chen’s arena, Jay felt a strange kind of aching in his chest. A tugging, sinking feeling. Like somewhere in his heart he didn’t want to be fighting Cole.

And he didn’t! Not like this. Sure, he was still mad about seeming to have lost Nya to him, but there seemed to be more to it than that. He had… small inklings, that his and Nya’s breaking up was due to grief, the toll Zane’s death had on all of them. The longer he thought about it, the more he figured it was mostly grief, the rest being dysfunction on his part. Losing Nya was his fault, Cole had nothing to do with it. But Jay wasn’t ready to face that, so he kept blaming Cole. 

But… he didn’t want to do this. He didn’t wanna fight him for the right to keep his powers, he didn’t wanna fight him to settle a score, he didn’t wanna fight him at all! Fessin’ hell, it was easier to hate him from a distance. Now, here? His heart kept aching for him. For… Cole.

Jay didn’t recall much of how the fight played out in the early beats. Just throwing earth and lightning around, and yelling at each other. Even when he was fighting with all he had, Cole seemed to have this hesitance about him. Nothing like when they were sparring, or when Jay watched him kick ass against a common enemy. Against him, Cole hesitated. And seemed to grow more agitated with every word out of Jay’s mouth.

Eventually he reached a breaking point. Cole looked mad, like right pissed, and he managed to get close enough to pull a stunt Jay never expected. This part he remembered vividly.

“Okay, fine. Fine!! You wanna know why I’m mad about this still, sparkmouth??? You REALLY wanna know?!” Cole shouted at Jay, having him backed practically against the wall with stalagmites on either side. Jay kept his fists up, not sure what Cole was about to do. Of course, there wasn’t much he could do when Cole outclassed him on a purely physical level. The earth ninja grabbed the front of his shirt and lifted Jay off his feet, slamming him into the wall. Jay yelped in surprise and pain, and for a second he caught sight of Cole’s glaring face, filled with a kind of meaning Jay wasn’t expecting. His breath would’ve hitched, if something else hadn’t happened not a moment later.

Cole kissed him. 

He fessin’ kissed him, and the kiss filled Jay’s senses all at once. Maybe it was the exertion they had both been doing but it was… warm, in a good way. Soft, too. Cole’s eyes were shut tight, while Jay’s were wide open, too shocked not to. A loop of WHAT WHAT WHAT kept playing in his brain, and he felt his whole face go red, all the way to his ears. The most jarring part of this was his desire to return it, to kiss back. I mean, sure, Jay may have had ridiculously strong feelings for Cole back during those couple of weeks when it was just them at the monastery! Sure, those feelings may have never actually subsided and he had to catch himself months later to stop staring at Cole when he was training in the courtyard and just looking - yknow. Hot. Sure, this moment being as confusing and fantastic as it was may have sprung those feelings back full force, and Jay really, really wanted to make out with this dumbass for like, another five minutes. Maybe so.

What was happening again? Oh yeah. Jay was being kissed, hard, by the guy he never got over. In the middle of an arena. Oh yeah, we’re supposed to be fighting. And people are seeing this. Oh hell, Kai and Lloyd are seeing this too!

Finally, Cole pulled back, still pinning Jay to the wall, and Jay sucked in a breath, realizing that he wasn’t even trying to breathe there. He glanced up at Cole after a second, absolutely bewildered, and was met with a red-faced gaze from a normally-stoic, suddenly embarrassed master of earth, staring back at him with so much meaning.

“That is why, Jay. That is why I’m still mad,” Cole said breathlessly. And despite the thousands of thoughts running through Jay’s head, one managed to slip out.

“Huh??? That doesn’t explain a thing!” Jay blurted out. Cole’s eyebrows shot up and he looked something like a deer in headlights, blinking at Jay and turning even redder.

“Uh-“ Cole choked out, like he was a little surprised that his kissing skills didn’t convey the meaning he wanted. He didn’t get the chance to say anything else, because a frustrated groan sounded from above them in the stands. Chen was clearly very upset with this turn of events, and Jay was subconsciously offended. Excuse you, we’re having a moment here!

“Ughhhhhhhh, you’re supposed to be fighting each other!!!!!” Chen smacked his chair buttons a bit and glared down at the pair of them. “Send in the Condrai Crushers! That will get them fighting again!”

A door opened up in the wall of the arena, and Cole promptly dropped Jay and whirled around, cursing under his breath. Jay landed on his feet, and was looking to where Cole was as two large vehicles rolled out into the pit, both outfitted with extremely sharp implements. Jay’s breath caught, and before he had a chance to react Cole grabbed him by the wrist and dashed away from them.

“Wh- Hey!” Jay protested, wrenching his arm out of Cole’s grip and running to keep pace with him. “This conversation isn’t over, boulderbrain! What the hell was that supposed to mean?!” Cole glanced at him, then groaned slightly, skidding to a stop and whirling around to face the crushers again, stamping hard on the tiles and kicking up a large rock at one of them. Then he turned and looked at Jay, brow half-furrowed.

“The reason I’m still mad with you is because you still think I’m trying to take Nya from you or some bullshit like that. Even after every master-damned hint I keep shoving in your face!” Despite the situation he let out a dry laugh and pushed hair out of his face. “It is honestly baffling how you can be so ridiculously, beautifully smart and also so stupid at the same time!”

“Huh???” Jay squeaked. “I- wha- beautifully smart???” Wow, way to go that THAT’S what we latch onto. He shook his head out to clear his ears, then heard the thrum of the motor of the other crusher, behind them and dove sideways into Cole, knocking them both to the center. Once there, he stood up and kept talking. “So you’re not...?”

“OF COURSE NOT!! Fuckin hell, Jay, I never had any interest in Nya like that! She’s my workout buddy, but that’s it!” Cole pushed his hair off his face again, and shook his head. Jay couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“B-but I thought- th-the soulmate machine-“

“Was a prototype, and a tourist trap kind of attraction and I don’t know why you trusted it! Seriously, I still don’t get how you trusted that thing over me.” Cole chucked another boulder at one of the crushers, flipping it over. He turned back to Jay with just this nervous smile that made Jay’s heart flutter. The lightning master stuttered, trying to figure it all out.

“So then- it was- wait, it was me? You’re in love with me?” Jay finally put the pieces together. Cole just lit up once Jay admitted he figured that out, a bright grin plastering onto his face, and then they jumped apart into spinjitzu to dodge before joining up again. Cole grabbed both of Jay’s shoulders and kept grinning, a frankly adorable look.

“YES! Jay, you stupid gorgeous bastard, yes it was you! It was you the whole time! Still is, actually!” Cole looked almost like he was gonna cry, cry happy tears at least. Jay looked rather flabbergasted.

 Admittedly, Jay was still figuring this out, because what???

The whole time? The whole time, when Jay thought Cole was interested in Nya, Cole was in love with… him? With Jay? It felt like something out of a cheesy rom-com. Or one of his daydreams. The fact that he had to make this realization while dodging out of the way of a very sharp vehicle did not help matters.

Jay was suddenly wrenched out of his thoughts when he realized the remaining crusher was coming right at them. He had to act fast, so he dashed at the wall, ran up and sprang off of it, landing behind the driver of that one. He then proceeded to fry the living daylights out of the driver, until he was incapacitated and the thing came to a stop, just in front of Cole.

Jay hopped off again and came right up to Cole, mind spinning. He may not have had everything together, but he did have something he needed to do, to at least tell him without telling him.

“Are you serious with this? Are you genuinely, actually serious about this, Cole?” About me? Jay didn’t add. He looked up into Cole’s eyes, trying to convey about the same meaning to him as he was earlier. Cole froze, for a second all deer-in-headlights again, but then nodded.

“Yes I mean it. I am seriously in love with you,” he said, with all the conviction in the world. Jay looked up at him, took a small breath, then popped up on his tiptoes and kissed him.

In all honesty, this kiss was far shorter than the earlier one. It was small, and sweet, and soft (fessin’ hell his lips were soft) but it got the point Jay wanted to make across, clear as day. He cupped Cole’s face for a short moment, then dropped back down to his feet and was met with a rather starstruck look from Cole, to which Jay couldn’t help but smile. He almost didn’t register the audience they were still before, offering an “awww”, before he heard it drowned out by the whining of Chen.

“... okay, good, glad we got that squared aWAY-“ Jay started to say, before the floor tile he was standing on suddenly dropped out from under him. He yelped, but was very quickly grabbed in a bear-hug by Cole, keeping him from plummeting. With a start, Jay realized the arena floor tiles were disappearing into a pit at a rapid rate. “Crap, Cole!! The Jade Blade!” He pointed up at the knife stuck into the top of the central pillar.

Cole seemed to be on the same wavelength as Jay again, and holy crap was that a feeling Jay missed. “Cmon!” Cole barked, grabbing Jay by the hand and starting to dash forward to the center pole again, hopping from tile to tile as they dropped. Jay tried for a second to ignore his heart fluttering again when Cole gripped his hand - jeez I’ve really got it bad - and instead yelped in fear when he let go for a fleeting moment and got cut off by the ever-increasing pit. Separated now.

Cole whipped around for a second, eyes full of worry. Jay frantically shook his head. “Go, go!” He yelled, and Cole hesitated another beat before turning back around and sprinting for the pillar, then climbing it, then-

Once the blade was pulled the tiles stopped falling. For a very short moment it went quiet. Then Jay caught sight of something hurtling to him and he caught it on instinct. And then he looked down at it in his hands and-

What?

The Jade Blade. It was the Jade Blade, and he was holding it. Jay’s eyes darted back up to see Cole at the top of the pillar, looking down at him with a look of determination.

“WINNER!” Chen’s voice rang out over the announcement but Jay wasn’t processing it, still looking at Cole. Cole gave me the win. Why? He knows what happens when he loses, and I lost! What is he-

“Jay it’s gonna be okay, you hear me? We’ll figure it out. I want you to keep going,” Cole spoke up, landing back on the arena floor several feet away. He looked pained, but he was smiling all the way through it. There was an ache in Jay’s chest again, for Cole. “You keep going, zaptrap, and you win this thing for both of us, okay?”

“Cole, I- wh- we can’t just leave it like this!” Jay found himself blurting, frantic and scared. This CANNOT be how this goes, I barely even got time to get into it! The whys, the since-whens, all of it!

“You’re gonna be alright, Jay! I’ll see you. I’ll see you on the other siIDE!” Cole’s last word was cut off, as he was suddenly dropped into the pit below the arena. 

Jay could’ve screamed because it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair that they didn’t have any time to talk about this. He wanted to talk, he wanted to tell him all these reasons why he was so hopelessly in love with him and for a brief moment he was scared he’d never get the chance, now.

Instead, he just found himself reaching for the spot where Cole fell, feeling tears pricking at his eyes as the door in the wall opened again and Chen’s men ushered him back through to the others.

It shouldn’t be ending like this.

[vivdunye]

present day, present time

and you don't seem to understand

fabled adages of science

so i was watching the snyder cut of justice league the other morning, i couldn't really begin to tell you why other than i needed 4 hours of background noise . but i tuned in at one point when the fictional super Israeli, wonder woman, narrated a scene explaining an alien technology "that was so advanced that it almost seemed like sorcery", and wouldn't yknow, that's a real concept actually, i recognized it immediately as clark's third law:

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

it's perhaps the most well known and oft quoted of the three, but i always felt like arthur c. clark's first 2 laws don't ever get quite enough love . i've been thinking heavily about the first law lately:

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

i've been thinking about it in relation to this one quote from wernher von braun that i always liked:

Nature does not know extinction; all it knows is transformation. Everything science has taught me, and continues to teach me, strengthens my belief in the continuity of our spiritual existence after death.

many people are afraid of death; of ceasing the awareness of life, because they don't know what will happen to themselves after, where do they go if anywhere? it's much more nebulous in the secular sense if you haven't a construct for the afterlife already . i've been thinking about death more and more often lately to a worrying degree . however, scientific thought for all its clinical detachment from all things spiritual has strangely enough always felt like the perfect module for contemplating the metaphysical . so i decided to do some research .

i want to recall right now thomas edison's first intended use for the phonograph . edison had originally envisioned the phonograph primarily as a means of preserving the voices of loved ones after death . he later went on to try and develop a "ghost box" or "spiritphone" . this device would allow humans to communicate directly with the dead . he was unsuccessful .

if hauntology has taught us anything, we technically do have ghost boxes now, but maybe not in the way edison intended or even predicted . we carry them everywhere and can check them anytime, channeling messages through them constantly . we actively become digital ghosts, online we are both present and absent . the present implodes with the past, we've over-documented everything so now we can experience an instant nostalgia . today's future becomes archaic, we live in the archive to try and remember what the future once was .

'haunted' and 'futuristic' become one and the same .

by this token i'm reminded also by transhumanism . as the technological singularity fast approaches, as progress charges forward at a constantly increasing speed, current estimates posit the 2040s as the point in which technological improvements will occur at a constantly self-replicating rate . in the time between now and then, transhumanism and the eventual merging of human consciousness with machinery are theorized outcomes of technological progress . one day we might be able to leave the shackles of our human bodies and transcend our physical forms as a joined digital consciousness .

and in relation to this i also think now of clark's second law

The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.

through the wired

this is the stage on which the anime Serial Experiments Lain is set . a story, that while constructed on the patchwork of fiction, is nevertheless symbolic of certain phenomena based in reality .

also i apologize if it wasn't apparent that this post was going to be about Lain . im lainposting boys

the first few episodes exist to misdirect the viewer right from the beginning . and only by returning to these episodes having thought through the rest of the show, does their purpose become clear . the first episode, aptly titled "Layer 01: Weird" , is meant to show us exactly one thing, that lain is fucking weird . we can't tell what she's thinking, we can't tell what she's doing, and that's exactly how everyone around her feels . lain is totally and completely disconnected, she doesn't keep up with current events at school, she doesn't communicate with her family, near as we can tell she has no actual interests besides her stuffed animals and totally phasing out of reality. the inciting incident of the series happens when someone tries to make a connection with lain, and that person happens to be dead...

or at least there body is dead, their consciousness seems to have escaped into the wired . lain's decision to pursue this connection is what lead's her to ask her father for a new navi (the series' name for a personal computer) and that's all that really happens in this episode . coming back to it from later episodes we know that lain is probably thinking a lot throughout this episode . the decision to not entreat us to any of her thoughts is intentional, it is to make us feel distant from her as viewers, the same way that the world around her is distant . as lain forms connections throughout the series, so too, will we form a connection with her .

we do not know how much time has passed since then and the second episode, but whatever has happened lain has already developed a significant presence in the wired . this episode is tricky in its presentation as it doesn't make us privy to which things lain is lying about and which things she's honest about . in it we have lain talking to someone on her navi, she types sporadically in an encrypted language, and someone who looks just like her appears late one night in a night club downtown . while lain won't admit it to her classmates it's apparent at the end of the episode that it was her at the club all along . the key to understanding her actions throughout the episode is to realize she is trying to keep her existence in the wired and her existence in reality as separate entities . the realization she has by the end of the episode, which she uses to terrify a gunmen into suicide is that there is no escape from the wired, no matter where you are you are always connected .

made in the late-90s, Lain was quite ahead of its time . it predicted not only how in the early 2000s the internet would be regarded as a separate world where anonymity and personas reigned—it also predicted how the internet would eventually and inevitably overlap with the real world, once people in the real world realized that the internet is the real world . people have a tendency to see one part of themselves as their "true selves", whereas the parts they show to others are personas, they think of these things as separate when in reality a person is an amalgamation of all of their personas . lain tries to change her personas by dressing and acting differently from when she's in the wired-mode and in normal-mode, but she doesn't realize how people have been doing this way before the wired existed . her classmates are all 15 but they all pass for adults when they've dolled up and hit the club . if the characters in the show seem a bit young for their attitudes then you may not have met enough tech-savvy teenagers before . the purpose of this episode is to ultimately to prove to lain that the so-called real world and the wired are merely two layers of one reality, which couldn't be more true of the world today .

let there be light300pMTK. .

in mythology, psyche was the mortal princess who fell in love with and, eventually, married the god cupid; in religion and classical philosophy, psyche came to mean the human soul, and in the modern, literate world, it retains that meaning as the human spirit; in freudian analysis, psyche refers to the totality of the human mind: the id, ego and superego .

every meaning of psyche is distinctly human: a human princess who achieves godhood, the soul or mind of an individual . if previous episodes introduced the blurring of the real world with the wired, then episode three; "Layer 03: Psyche" is the episode that starts to blur human identity online and offline . one doesn’t even have to venture into the wired to ask what is human .

by this point we know that lain is definitely up to something . at this stage it's hard to tell what, but all we get are little glimpses into her actions . she still seems to be hiding a lot from the world around her and from the viewer in turn . ironically, lain's blank-faced silence and response to the questions of those around her it's own incrimination . when a police officer tells her to speak up (regarding the gunman's suicide) even if she had nothing to do with it, he doesn't realize she's being silent precisely because she does have something to do with it . but her deer-in-the-headlights persona gets her out of it .

the lain of the wired and the lain of reality are slowly starting to mesh into one whole . it remains difficult to interpret the physical existence of "other lain" so to speak, and the show refuses to outright show her playing that character . at the least, we do get to see lain access the wired in all its chaotic glory and she does begin to take an active interest in expanding her knowledge as she learns about and installs the "Psyche drive", a computer circuit that lain procures in hopes of it enhancing her computer's processing power . on the smaller scale, when lain applies the psyche processor to her navi, she is installing a spirit or soul, an animating element, to her machine . notably, the psyche does not replace the main processor; psyche augments the main processor, interpreting the data that flows through it . the soul is not simply the brain, it is an elevated consciousness or meta-self. by this point in the series lines become blurred and the lains begin to merge (hehe) . all of this is set against the backdrop of lain trying to decide if she should remain in the physical world or fully integrate in the wired . she hears one voice telling her that death feels amazing, and god exists in the wired, that there is nothing left for lain in this world . however, lain begins to establish a connection with her classmate alice, saying her name out loud and commiting it to memory for the first time, alice asks why her friends are not more shaken up after watching someone shoot himself in the head the previous day . it's almost as though lain is clinging to alice as an excuse to stay in the physical world out of fear for changing over . this all sets the seeds for what eventually grows throughout the series .

i want to recall the final meaning of the word “psyche". that the word also meant “butterfly,” which is how the greeks imagined the soul to appear . no doubt the symbolism of a creature that begins as one thing and transforms into another is not lost on us here .

every event serves to emphasize the existence of one's own personal reality, and as individuals from all others, we desire a place to belong . however that too is an egotistical concept . in order for there to be a mutual understanding, it is necessary to recognize here and now, like the brain synapses, we are all—in a logical yet chaotic manner—connected .

each is seperate—yet they are one . by connecting, humanity gains first awareness of its function as a seed . and by connecting a human no longer remains a mere endpoint, a "terminus", but becomes a junction to another point, having won the right to continue itself . in a sense, the ability to connect is the ability to continue . this not only applies to the connection of axial coordinates but temporal coordinates as well . therefore, at the time when a conscious, intentional connection is made, surely the dead will rise from there intended place, appearing at the time coordinate of the connection's origin .

in that moment, the realization will dawn that the time in which we inhabit our physical bodies is but the starting point of the connection, and the very meaning of possessing a physical body might be questioned .

we recognize we are connected .

serialize thyself .

[bookworm-2692]

About a week ago I finally finished bookbinding @airdeari‘s beautiful Zero Escape fic The First Nonary Game. It took about a month (between all the waiting for glue to dry and also several days each week when I was unable to work on it), and was so much fun! It’s so satisfying to just... hold this book in my hands. 

Details about how I made it, along with additional photos (and commentary) below the cut.

So I came across this post on Tumblr, which immediately inspired me to try bookbinding myself. I spent a few days watching so many tutorials from the youtube channel linked in the post (I’ll link the specific tutorials I used in this post), and googling how to actually manage to print pages so they form proper signatures, because the inbuilt booklet creator in Word doesn’t exist in my Word apparently so that’s fun.

Anyway, once I started, I asked @airdeari for permission to print and bind his fic, and he immediately said yes, so that was good. Then I spent a good couple of days copying the entire fic into a Word document, and fiddling with formatting so it would look like an actual book (section breaks, page numbers, headers with the fic title on the left page and chapter title on the right page (this took ages to work and I kept on stuffing it up), and making sure things just... looked nice. I added in the art After The War that @keycrash created specifically for the fic (third pic above), and an “afterword” containing credit and links and the author’s notes from AO3 (because even if I’m the only one who will ever see it, it still feels weird to not add the credit stuff in so it’s there).

I then saved the document as a PDF, and used CheapImposter to correctly shuffle (impose, hence “imposter”) the pages so when folded into signatures, each page would be in the correct order. This program was the first free one I could find, and was great because you could specify the number of sheets you want per signature, rather than stuck with a default. I chose to have 11 signatures of 6 sheets of paper, since that was the amount that would have the least blank pages and the end of the book. The file was 261 pages, so with two pages per side, and two sides per sheet, you divide the number of pages by 4 to get 66 sheets of paper

I then printed. There was only one (1) paper jam in the process, which was great. Unfortunately, I realised after I printed that one of the headers for one chapter was wrong (I hadn’t properly disconnected the two chapters), but fortunately that only involved reprinting 4 sheets of paper.

I used the following tutorials to make the books: DIY Textblock, a general “how to make a textblock” tutorial; DIY Kettle Stitch, a specific look at the stitching for a textblock, since the first tutorial doesn’t focus on this; DIY Book Cloth, since I chose to use fabric for my cover; and DIY Hardcover Book, how to put all those pieces together.

So then I started folding all the signatures. I was watching so much Brooklyn Nine-Nine during both the folding and stitching sections, since it was repetitive actions I didn’t need to concentrate on that lasted hours.

It was at this point that I sliced each signature one by one to make the end smoother and less pointy. In future I recommend not doing it at this point - wait until the very end. Instead, move straight onto stitching. 

I don’t have any photos of the stitching portion, since my phone died the morning I started the stitching, and I wasn’t able to replace it until after all the stitching was done. In fact, originally all the photos from before the stitching were lost too. It was only about two days ago that magically the My Photo Stream thing kicked in and brought back all the photos - if it had worked two weeks earlier I would’ve had more. As it is, all photos from September to January are gone forever, unfortunately. But that’s another discussion entirely.

The above is the first book photo on my new phone, so as you can see, all the stitching was completed, the spine was glued, and the purple paper attached. I couldn’t buy two A4 sheets, so instead I had to buy one A3 sheet and cut it in half. Which was difficult cycling home from the city with an A3 sheet that didn’t fit in my bag on account of being A3 and not A4, but oh well.

I don’t have a book press, so I used a pile of DND books and my brother’s weights instead, as shown below.

I then had to re-slice the book after this point bc my first go wasn’t even, on account of slicing each signature separately. Next time definitely I’ll just do it at the end like this. I then also sanded it to make it smoother. It’s still not perfect, but it’s something that’ll take practice and patience so.

Next I made the book cloth, which involves using appliqué sheets to combine cotton fabric and tissue paper. But first I want to talk about the fabric I chose for the cover, because I’m quite proud of it. I spent ages wandering around the shop, trying to find something that fit the feel of the book. Spoilers for the content of the fic if you haven’t read it yet, and also for the source material (999/Zero Escape). I was thinking about some sort of blue swirl thing, because of the Gigantic sinking. I found that, but hesitated because it didn’t fully fit, and my favourite colour is blue so I always pick blue. I also considered flames/fire because of the incinerator thing, but couldn’t find any. I can’t remember if I just couldn’t find any four leaf clover fabric, or if I’ve just since thought about that as a cover. But instead I chose the butterflies below. They fit in several subtle ways that I’m proud of. The colours of blue and pink(/red) matching the receiver and transmitter coding all throughout 999, as well as the moments of purple as well (I don’t think I need to get into that, I’m sure it was analysed to hell and back when the game first came out). The butterflies also point towards the butterfly effect, and in turn the different timelines present in the series. So together it just works. /spoilers over

It’s also just a pretty fabric.

Now the making of the book cloth. I had to make it twice, because I was too impatient the first time, so the iron was too hot and it steamed, which wrinkled and warped the tissue paper, so the fabric was all wrinkly too. The second time took ages and was a worse quality appliqué sheet, but worked well enough anyway.

(My parents: did you have the iron out? what were you ironing? you never iron)

And then I cut the book board to size, using the measurements from the tutorial video. I’ll repeat them here: front and back cover: width = width of textblock minus 3mm, and height = height of textblock plus 6mm, and spine width = width of textblock spine, spine height = same height as covers

I then glued the board onto the book cloth, and put it under the book press. The dnd books are not large enough to cover the whole thing, and also I really wanted the board to stay flat and not curl, so I grabbed way more dnd books and way more of my brother’s weights. I also accidentally started putting the glue on the wrong side of the board (bc one side is smooth and the other is rough), hence the colour difference as well.

The corners were cut and folded and glued over...

And then the textblock was glued in, and put in my book press for a whole weekend. I added a sheet of paper to absorb the glue so the pages wouldn’t become wrinkly, but instead the sheet I added was fine and every other page in the book is wrinkly. So I dunno what happened there. After the weekend I took it out and looked at it, and then put it back for another week to be sure.

And then the complete book is shown at the top of the post!

As I was starting I was talking a lot about it, like about the process I had to go through, or how I was going to obtain what I needed, etc. Mum asked if she could read the story. I froze, like a deer in the headlights... because this is a fanfic. She saw my fear and immediately backed down, explaining she only wanted to read it because if the story was that important to me that I was going to literally turn it into a book, she wanted to read it to yknow like know me better or something? Which makes sense. And when I got over my initial reaction, and remembered that indeed it was technically my dad who introduced me to fanfic, and thought about it more, I said okay. Because since the fic is technically a prequel to the first game, and most of the characters are technically OC’s (like, from the first game we know that all eighteen children must exist, but most of them don’t have names or anything so they are effectively OC’s), then knowledge of source material isn’t strictly necessary. This fic can probably be enjoyed on its own. I mean I’ll probably have to explain the concept of morphogenetic fields, and the last four chapters might not make sense? But I’m okay for my mum to read it. So when she’s less busy at work I’m going to download the epub onto her phone for her - we’ll see how it goes.

Anyway, this fic is a masterpiece, extremely well written and I highly recommend it. As said, most of the characters are effectively OC’s, and yet they are all given such rich histories and personalities. All of them have access to the morphogenetic field, so I’m just so glad that @airdeari​ explores nine unique relationships with the field - nine unique sibling dynamics, and esper powers and abilities. It’s just so good.

[skiller0dani]

Darling, | Loki Laufeyson

Summary: Rosalie Stark has faced sadness, pain, and heartache her entire life- until she meets the God of Mischief. Loving him is wild, pure, and free. Then Thanos comes and turns her happy little world upsidown. 

Pairing: Loki x Rose (OC)

Word Count: 10.1k (I know it’s a frikkin NOVEL I’M SORRY I GOT CARRIED AWAY)

Warnings: Death, Sadness, Language (Possibly), MCU Spoilers, Iron Man Spoilers, Thor: A Dark World Spoilers, Thor: Ragnarok Spoilers, Infinity War Spoilers, Endgame Spoilers, Light Gentle Smut,   

A/N: Wow hi so I absolutely adore Loki. I want to add a little love to this precious babies life. Uh enjoy! The Smut is located roughly 4,500 words into the story? Sorry it’s pretty far in there but I’m very proud of this work so I think it’s worth it! Once you see the picture of the necklace the Smut is very close after that if you wanted to just go read it then you do you lolol. Also I don’t really write Smut a whole lot. So let me know if its good please. Thnx bbs I’m skipping a lot of movie related plot so I can just get to my plot. We’ve all already seen the movies so. Yknow. Sorry I skip a lot towards the end, by the end of it I had been writing for 10 hours and wanted to be done haHAHAHAHAHA. I’ll edit it later. 

Let me know if you want me to write more Smut and also if you want more Loki x Rose adventures!! 

Masterlist

Rose was 10 when her parents died. Tony was home from studying abroad, watching TV with her, they had just celebrated his 21st birthday. He always let her do whatever she wanted to, gave her candy for dinner, let her watch rated R movies. “She’s gonna go in the basement.” Rose said, throwing some popcorn as her and Tony watched some crappy old horror movie. Tony laughs reaching for the bowl, “well yeah. Of course she is.” He commented watching as the dumb blonde in the movie makes her way down the stairs to the basement. “Don’t they ever learn? It would be much easier to draw him out from the middle floor, that way they aren’t trapped.” Rose sighs, giggling as the Slasher inevitably crams a butcher knife through the poor girls chest. “Not a bad idea tot.” Tony smiles, ruffling her hair watching with a smile as she complained and fixed her hair again. “You think Daddy would watch this movie with me? I wanna show him...” Rose trailed off and Tony’s heart ached. Howard wasn’t the most loving Father but Tony knew he loved Rose. “You’ll have to ask him when he gets back. I think he would.” Tony smiled, turning back to the movie. 

3 loud bangs on the door made Rose jump. She paused the movie as Tony stood- telling her to wait on the couch. “Don’t make a sound tot okay?” Tony added as he reached for the door handle. Rose nodded, not being able to see who was on the other side once the door was opened- it blocked her view. Tony’s face fell- and Rose saw an envelope in his hands. Tony closed the door, leaning back against it as he looked at Rose. She stood up instantly, “what’s that?” She asked- pointing to the envelope. Tony couldn’t speak, or move as she took it from his hands. He wanted to take it from her but he was frozen- Mom...Dad...dead? Rose ripped open the envelope, I’m sorry to inform you that a few nights ago Howard and Maria Stark were killed in a car accident..., wait...what? “Tony? What is this?” Rose asked, tears filling in her eyes. “Tony, is this a condolence letter?” Rose cried, becoming hysterical. Tony remained frozen as Rose dropped the letter and opened the front door. 

Rose collapsed in the driveway- they were supposed to be home tomorrow. This isn’t happening, this isn’t real. Rose felt something building in her chest, getting bigger and heavier by the second. Her hands clamped over her ears as tears fell down her cheeks, she squeezed her eyes shut- that feeling in her chest bursting open in a scream. She screamed until her throat was raw, and then the world went black. It wasn’t for a few hours until Rose awoke, and when she did she was in her bed. Rose sat up, looking around- “Tony? Tony!” She called and he was in her room in a second. He sat on the edge of her bed, his eyes red and raw. “They’re...they’re really dead?” Rose asked, her eyes wide and watery. Tony nodded, and pulled Rose into his chest. Rose cried, and held onto Tony with all her strength- he’s all she has left. She can’t lose him- she doesn’t have anyone else. “Yeah tot, and I promise I’ll never leave you. I love you kiddo.” Tony whispered, kissing her head. 

*** 

Rose was 27 when Tony went missing. It was a business trip, a missiles presentation. He should be home by now, but he wasn’t. Tears were in her eyes as she sat on the couch at her and Tony’s house- watching the news report his disappearance. They’re saying he was kidnapped by terrorists- Rose felt her chest squeeze and her heart ache. This isn’t happening- first Mom and Dad, and now Tony? God please not Tony. God please save him- bring him back to me. Rose prayed, on her knees with her head in her hands. “Ms. Stark?” Pepper cleared her throat, tears in her eyes. Rose looked up at her and Pepper was wrapping her arms around Rose- holding her as they cried. If he’s dead, then Rose is dead too. She can’t do this without him- she can’t live without him. That feeling in her chest never came, and it might sound crazy but she knew he wasn’t dead- it’s like she could feel it. “We just have to have faith okay? He’s alive, he’s out there, they’re looking for him. They’ll find him.” Pepper said, wiping away Rose’s tears. 

The helicopter flew low over the desert, if Rose wasn’t rich and now the possible Heir to the Stark fortune and business they wouldn’t have let her come. Her eyes scanned the desert, looking for something- anything that could tell them where he is. Coming over a sand dune Rose sees a small figure, and when he yells she knows. “Tony! Oh my God it’s Tony! Take us down now!” She yells, already unbuckling her harness and she’s jumping to the ground before the helicopter has even fully touched down. She’s sprinting to him, seeing cuts, scars and bruises all over him but he’s smiling. She felt tear down her cheeks as she dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around him. Tony smiled, “hey tot.” He rasped, and she laughed- tears streaming. “God Tony you’re alive.” Rose whispered, placing her hands on his cheeks and looking in his eyes. “I promised I wouldn’t leave you.” Tony said, and Rose let out a deep breath. “Next time can you just FaceTime them?” Rose asked and Tony chuckled. 

“What happened?” Rose asked on the plane, eyeing the blue circular piece of technology sticking out of my chest. Tony took her hand, “explosion left pieces of debris in my heart, and this stops them from getting to my heart.” Tony explains and Rose can tell he doesn’t want to talk about what he went through. “Remember when Mom used to play the piano?” Rose asked and Tony smiled, he looked over at Rose. “She used to play that same song constantly- drove Dad crazy.” Tony added and Rose giggled, remember her Father’s annoyed expression when he would hear the first few notes of that song start. “You’re a lot like Dad sometimes, you internalize things too much. You keep to yourself more than you should.” Rose tells Tony, watching as he looks away. She’s right- he knows she is. It’s just easier to never talk about how you feel in hopes that feeling will disappear. “Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away Tony.” Rose adds- almost as if she can read his mind. He’s not surprised she knew what he was thinking, Rose knows him better than anyone else. So he looked at her, and he told her- and you know he really hates to admit it but it made him feel better. Talking to Rose makes him feel better. 

***

Rose was 29 when she met Loki. She watched him through the monitor connected to the security camera. Loki was the kind of man she had never met before- he was completely in control even when he seemed helpless. He sat on the bench in the circular prison meant for the Hulk, he didn’t seem stressed he looked utterly content. Rose felt drawn to him- and she didn’t know if she was okay with that or terrified. Tony watched her and grabbed her arm gently, “you stay away from him okay? You’re not to go near him.”  Tony ordered and Rose nodded- not arguing with him. Tony always knows what’s best for her. Tony turned and headed to the Lab Bruce was in and Rose found herself walking and followed her feet to the prison Loki was trapped in. He didn’t notice her come in- and if he did he pretended he didn’t. But out of the corner of his eye he sees her, and she’s beautiful. For a woman from Midgard. He turned to her, with a wide smile on his face- “to what do I owe the pleasure?” Loki asked her and her throat hitched in her throat. He looked ethereal- he was perfect in every way. Like a God should be. “I-” She started but her throat went dry. 

Loki smiled coyly, “are you nervous?” He asked, a teasing smile on his face. A deep blush made it’s way to her cheeks- she found herself stepping towards the glass, wanting to be closer to him. What’s the matter with her? Thor is a God, and he never had this affect on her- he was more rugged while Loki was more refined. “You- you haven’t tried to escape.” Rose mumbled, her voice shaking. Her eyes widened when he stood up and made his way towards her on the other side of the glass. “That’s because darling, I’m exactly where I want to be.” Loki said lowly, raising a brow at her expression. An expression of wanting- and a bit of fear. He intimidated her. “Are you?” Loki asked, loving the deer-caught-in-headlights look on her face. Rose swallowed thickly, her heart thumping wildly in her chest. There was a softness in his eyes when he talked to her, a look that Loki himself wasn’t aware of. Unintentionally Loki was gentler with her. She didn’t know what to say to him- or why she came here at all. Rose turned on her heel to leave when he spoke, “what’s your name darling? I can’t let you leave before I can know you.” Loki said, a cocky smile sliding over his lips. 

“R-Rosalie Stark.” She stammered, turning to look at him once more. Stark? “Ah you must be related to the man made of Iron.” Loki smiled and Rose nodded, “Yeah and he’d be very angry if he knew I was in here.” She said, and Loki smiled, “rebelling are we?” He teased and Rose actually laughed. Genuinely laughed, there was something about Loki that made her want to be near him. “You know I would have expected you to behave more like a caged animal all locked up in this prison.” Rose comments, feeling surprisingly comfortable with him. “Maybe if you weren’t here I would be.” Loki said- his eyes piercing through her. A deep blush crawls up her neck once more. Loki sees how easy it would be to use her- but something in him feels almost sick at the thought of using her. She weakens him- it makes him want to push her away. He needs to succeed, the consequences will be too dire if he doesn’t. They’ll have his head- he doesn’t have room for weakness.  

Rose feels a hand around her arm, and a concerned and almost angry expression cross Loki’s face. She turns seeing Tony dragging her out of the room, “what the hell did I say?” Tony snapped, clearly angry at her. Loki stood, watching him forcefully drag her away from him- and he hates that. He hates that Tony drug her out of the room. He didn’t need to put his hands on her, and for the first time since Loki has been here, he feels angry. “Tony I-” Rose started but was silenced but the mere look he gave her. “Rose he’s dangerous. Do you not understand that? He doesn’t care about you or anything- Thor is his damn brother and he tried to kill him!” Tony snapped, once they’d gotten to the Lab. “Anyone can be changed Tony!” Rose yells back and his eyebrows raise. “Do you- do you care about him? Rose he’s a God who is not only insane but has absolutely no morals and is drunk with power. This little crush has to stop- now.” Tony yells, storming out of the Lab. Rose felt angry tears wet her cheeks as Bruce kept working, he looked up at her. “Rose, I commend you for your good nature and your willingness to help others but Loki? Loki can’t be saved.” He says gently, but Rose knows he’s wrong. They’re all wrong. Loki can be saved. 

When Nat is sent in to interrogate him Rose slips out of the Lab without Tony noticing. Rose listens out of view, “you’re a monster!” Nat cries but Rose can tell she’s faking it. “No- you brought the monster.” Loki smiles and Nat immediately reports back, “he means on releasing the Hulk.” Nat says quickly making her way out of the room. Rose emerges from her hiding place, “you wouldn’t really do that...we’ll all die. The Hulk will rip this ship apart and clear out of the sky.” Rose says weakly, and she swears she sees Loki’s face fall a little. “Of course not darling, of course not.” Loki lies, and Rose nods. Loki examines her arm, seeing the red marks. “Your brother did that to you?” Loki asks, expression darkening. Rose looks down at her arm, knowing Tony will feel guilty he hurt her. “He didn’t mean to- he was just angry.” Rose says softly. Loki looks at her, “come here.” He says sternly but gently. “W-why?” Rose stammers and Loki smiles. 

“Do you trust me?” Loki asks, his eyes not leaving hers. “No.” Rose says softly and this causes his smile to grow wider, “Good. Come here.” He orders again and Rose takes tentative steps forward, opening the door before stepping inside. The door doesn’t slide shut behind her, “you’re not trying to escape. The door is open...” Rose trails off- nervous as he approaches her. “I’m exactly where I need to be darling.” He says smoothly. Rose clears her throat, looking up at him. He’s very tall. “What do you want?” She asks and Loki smiles, leaning in to whisper in her ear, “sorry about this darling.” He murmurs, pressing his fingers to her temple. In an instant she is unconscious, and Loki hears the Hulk’s roar. Loki lifts Rose to his chest, holding her bridal style as Thor runs into the room. Using his illusion magic, Thor thinks Loki is about to escape but launches himself into the prison only to discover Loki is already out- and holding Rose. “Loki, you can’t have her.” Thor says and Loki smiles. “I already do.” He says- his fingers dancing over the button to drop the cage into the ocean. 

Rose’s eyes open briefly, to see Thor in the cage- and the cage drop from the ship. “Thor!” She says weakly, pushing herself from Loki’s arms. “No can’t go there darling- it’s not safe. Come here,” he says gently lifting her back into his arms again. Rose watches as she passes through the halls of the ships in Loki’s arms, “Loki you- can’t kidnap me...” She whispers using all her strength. Loki smiles, holding her tightly so no one can take her. “I have to keep you safe.” He tells her, before boarding an airplane. Loki doesn’t know why he took her- he just knows that he can’t let her leave his sight. He needs to keep her safe, he can’t let any harm come to her. Tony is no where to be found and Rose watches in disdain as the doors close and she falls unconscious once again. 

Tony’s eyes widen in panic, “he- he took her?” Tony seethes, his fists curling. Steve was the first to say anything, “Tony we’ll get her back, we know he’s at Stark tower.” He says but Tony places both fists against one of the table as his head drops. His chest is heaving- if Loki does anything to her. Rose’s eyes open, laying on one of the couches at Stark Tower. Looking towards the window- she see’s Loki. “You kidnapped me.” Rose says, anger evident in her tone. Loki turns to look at her, “I need to keep you safe. Here is the safest place for you.” He explains, and Rose rolls her eyes. She stands and runs her fingers through her hair, “you kidnapped me Loki!” Rose yells, and Loki sighs. “In time you’ll see I did the right thing.” He tells her and she takes a deep breath. “Oh my God Tony must be so worried,” Rose says- turning to the elevator. Loki turns, his heart racing when he sees her trying to leave. “I assure you they’re on their way. Stay darling.” Loki says sweetly. Rose looks at him, thinking for a moment before turning back towards him. She goes to stand next to him by the window, watching in horror as aliens come from the sky. 

“It’s going to be a mass slaughter...Loki stop this please!” Rose cries, her hands flying to her face. Loki doesn’t look over at her, “I can’t.” He says, his expression hard. Rose feels tears run down her cheeks, “why on Earth not?” She asks, and Loki swallows. “They won’t let me.” He says and Rose pinches her eyebrows together. “Who?” She asks and Loki looks up into the sky and then it dawns on her. The Aliens coming from the sky, they must have a leader of their own. Is Loki being forced to do this against his will? “Loki, why did you take me? I know you want to protect me but why? I mean nothing to you, you’re a God and I’m just...me.” Rose asks, turning away from the window- hoping Tony and the others will get here soon. Loki looks genuinely confused as he doesn’t know what to say, “I- I don’t know.” He says honestly. “I do know that you’re not nothing. You are a gift to the men of this world darling- your beauty is unmatched.” Loki says simply, looking away from her. Rose reaches for his hand, he flinches at first and nearly pulls away but lets her grab his hand. 

Rose watches as Thor takes the tesseract and Loki and steps forward, Loki is in handcuffs and has a muzzle on. Rose feels her heart break at the thought of never seeing him again. Loki looks at her, and there’s a look in his eyes that tells her he feels the same way. Tears build in her eyes as the Rosenbridge  appears and takes Thor and Loki with it when it disappears. A single tear falls down her face as Tony wraps his arm around her. She turns towards Tony’s car, wiping away tears as they continue to fall. The drive back to the house is long and Tony doesn’t know what to say. Loki is a maniac and will only hurt Rose or get her killed. Maybe he does care for her- that doesn’t change the fact that he’s dangerous. Rose doesn’t say anything the entire time, no matter how many times Tony tries to lighten the mood. “So Pizza tonight?” Tony smiles but Rose looks vacantly out the window. His smile falls as he reaches for her hand, and she lets him. “Rose, you can’t choose you fall in love with. I’m sorry I was so hard on you, I just want to keep you safe.” Tony tells her and she turns to him, eyes red and watery. “I know, it’s okay. Of all people I can fall for- I fall for a God.” Rose scolds herself, continuing to wipe away tears with her free hand.

***

“Welcome home Brother, shall we throw you a homecoming party?” Thor teased, but Loki didn’t even glance his way. Thor smiled, “oh come no Loki, silver tongue turn to lead?” Thor laughs, but his laugh quickly fades when Loki remains silent walking up to the palace. Not even a smile, or a scowl, nothing. No eye roll, no witty comeback, Thor has never seen Loki so- somber. Thor thinks for a moment- and remembers Rose. Loki misses her, he misses having her near, and he hates that he let himself care for her. When she’s near him- he feels like he can be a better man. He wants her here, he can’t get her off his mind. “You miss her don’t you?” Thor says, not joking anymore. Loki doesn’t answer, but their brief eye contact is enough of an answer for Thor. Loki is lead into the throne room when Thor feels hopeful- if Loki genuinely cares for Rose then maybe she can change him. Maybe she can make him a better man- she can bring him back.  

Loki is sentenced and brought to the cells when Thor comes forward to Odin. “Father, there was a woman on Earth that Loki- uh.. well got close to.” Thor explained and Odin’s eyebrows raised. “A human?” Odin said, a disapproving tone. Despite what Loki has done, Odin forbids any of this children to marry mortals. They live, decay, and die before an Asgardian gets a quarter of the way through their lives. “I think if we brought her here, she could help him. He was different when she was near-” Thor begins but Odin waves his hand, “we do not bring mortals here Thor, you know this.” Thor continues however, “Father Loki was gentler, more compassionate when she was near I know if we bring her here she can-” Odin cuts him off once more. “I said no Thor, we do not bring mortals here. No exceptions.” Odin snaps, growing frustrated. 

“One of us has to try and save Loki!” Thor yelled in frustration, he knows Rose can change Loki. Odin stands, taking a deep breath. “Tell me about this woman.” Odin says finally and Thor lets out a deep breath. “She’s smart, and kind. She’s gentle, and I myself care for her- nothing more than a shield sister. Loki however was almost drawn to her, she has this power over him. She calms him, and humbles him. He’s different when she’s near.” Thor explains and Odin thinks for a moment. “He misses her,” Thor adds and Odin looks at him finally, “get her.” Thor smiles and turns back to head to the Bifrost. 

***

Laying in bed, Rose can’t stop thinking about Loki. She misses him, and that sounds crazy because he’s a God. He’s probably bedding all the Goddesses as she speaks. She feels tears sting the back of her eyes again and a heaviness on her chest. She sits up, the tears building- why can she not just forget him? Her heart aches so much she can’t it anymore. He’s a God he could never love her, or even give a damn about her. She’s just a human- she’s not good enough for him. She probably annoyed him- he’s probably up in Asgard so glad to finally be rid of her. Its pathetic, he’s probably forgotten about her already while she can’t get him off her mind. She rinses her face with water when she hears a sound close to a mini explosion from outside, it sounds like- like lightning. She turns out of her room to see Thor strolling into her living room, Rose glances towards Tony’s door. He’s probably working, thank God. “Thor? What are you doing here?” Rose smiles, rushing to throw her arms around him. 

“I’ve come to retrieve you.” Thor smiles, happy to see her. She’s been a good friend to Thor as of late. Her eyes widen, her heart beginning to beat wildly in her chest. “Why?” She asks, her pulse rising. Thor smiles, “My Father has requested your presence- for Loki.” Thor tells her and enjoys the wide smile that spreads across her face and the blush that prickles along her cheeks. Rose scribbles a note for Tony- who is going to be livid with her when she returns. After placing it on Tony’s door, Rose turns to her room, “wait, I have something for you to wear. Asgardian noble clothing.” Thor tells her, holding up a beautiful powder pink Asgardian dress. Rose smiles, turning into her room to change and when she emerges- Thor’s eyes widen as she smiles. “Your beauty has surpassed the Goddesses themselves Lady Rose.” Thor smiled and Rose blushed, looking down at her feet. Thor is the best and greatest friend she could have asked for. “Put your arms around me,” Thor says gently and Rose reaches up and hugs him tightly as he launches them into the air and back down into the grass. 

“Heimdall, I’m ready.” And suddenly they are engulfed in colors and lights, and in a few seconds they’re flying through space. Rose holds tight to Thor as she watches the starts and nebula's pass right by her- plants, galaxy's, and so many things she’s never seen before. She lands with Thor on a platform of hold and a large man with a large sword smiles down at her. “Welcome to Asgard Ms. Stark.” Heimdall smiles, and Rose blushes, following Thor to the palace. Thor holds her again and flies them right to a large Throne room. “So you are the mortal that has claimed my sons troubled heart.” Odin says and Rose’s eyes widen as she bows before him- not knowing the proper way to greet the King of the 9 Realms. Odin smiles, appreciating her attempt to be proper in his presence. “Tell me your name child.” Odin says, looking down at her from the Throne. Rose clears her throat as nerves begin to take over, “Rosalie Stark your highness.” Rose says and Odin nods, “Lady Rose is it? Thor, bring him.” Odin orders and Thor nods, turning and walking deeper into the Palace. “I don’t know what it is my son likes so much about you Lady Rose, but Thor has reassured me that you can help my son. That is the only reason you are here.” Odin tells her and Rose can’t tell if its meant to be taken as a threat or not. 

“So the all mighty King has demanded the presence of his disgraced Son has he? To what do I owe the pleasure my liege,” Loki says, fake bowing a cocky smile on his face- not having seen Rose yet. Odin’s face falls to annoyance as he gestures towards Rose. Loki looks to his left and his eyes widen- his heart immediately pounding wildly behind his ribcage. He smiled and took a step towards her, “just couldn’t stay away could you? Had to travel across planets just to get another look?” Loki teased- loving the way her cheeks darkened in a blush. “I don’t see you looking away either God of Mischief.” Rose bit back, a sly smile on her face. Odin could see within moments of them speaking that Thor was right- Loki cares for this mortal. Loki smiles down at her, and Odin looks at him. “Loki you will be permitted visits with this girl but if you try to escape- I will have her executed.” Odin threatens and Loki’s expression darkens. 

“Touch her and I will-” Loki snaps pulling against his restraints, “if you follow my rules she won’t be harmed.” Odin says and Loki’s expression is so dark Rose fears he would attempt to kill Odin if he wasn’t restrained. Loki’s expression softens considerably when Rose places a hand on his arm. Loki turns, and holds out an arm for Rose to take. “I’ll give you the ‘Princes Exclusive’ tour of the dungeons. Just wait- it’s very homey down there. Glamorous.” Loki says with  a sarcastic smile and Rose giggles, leaning into him a little bit after taking his arm. “I can’t believe Odin stuck you in the dungeons.” Rose whispered low enough for Loki to hear but not loud enough for the guards leading them to hear. Loki smiles, “I have all the homey touches, don’t worry dove.” Loki says softly- her heart warming at the nickname. Upon entering the dungeons, all the prisoners eyes find their way to Rose- whistling and hollering. Loki’s expression darkens as they enter his cell and the cuffs are removed. The cell is sealed with both Rose and Loki inside. “We’ll come to retrieve you when the visit is over Lady Rose,” the guards inform her. 

“Why do they keep looking at me like that?” Rose asks, feeling uncomfortable at the expression the prisoners are giving her. “It’s because you look ravishing dear, sculpted from the heavens.” Loki purrs, his pupils dilating. He takes a step towards her, and slowly, carefully places his lips on hers. Rose feels swarms of butterflies fluttering around in her abdomen and her heart pounding so hard she can hear it in her ears. The kiss is short and sweet but it’s enough to make her head swim. Loki takes her hand and pulls her to sit next to him on a bench and he pulls out a necklace with a beautiful emerald in the middle of a tree. 

“Loki it’s beautiful.” Rose breathes as he fastens it around her neck. Loki smiles, revealing that pinned to his collar is the same tree with the emerald in it. “I made these darling, so that when you can fall asleep I can enter your dreams. We can speak and be together while you sleep.” Loki explains- taking Rose’s hands. “Only as long as you wear that- I infused it with a magic that links us together.” Rose leans up and presses a kiss to Loki’s cheek when the guard returns to the door and Rose exits the cell. “I’ll see you tomorrow Lady Rose.” Loki smiles and Rose blushes- giving him a fake curtsy before she’s lead up the stairs. At the top she’s met by Thor who gives her a friendly smile, “hello Lady Rose.” He says- slightly raising a brow at the necklace around her neck. “It’s a gift from Loki.” Rose smiles as she follows Thor. He smiles, “Thor how long am I going to be here?” She asks and Thor’s face falls. “Probably not long I’m afraid. Just enough to appease Loki and calm him for a while.”

Rose follows Thor to her room, a big room with a large round bed in the middle. Up a few steps is a beautiful balcony closed off with double doors covered with white see through curtains. “This room is beautiful.” Rose comments, noticing more dresses hung along a wall near the bathroom. Thor smiles, “this is where you’ll be staying while you’re here.” Rose feels the soft bed sheets- this isn’t a fabric that exists on Earth. “Thank you Thor, there isn’t a chance I could contact my brother is there?” Rose asks- wanting to speak to Tony. “I’m afraid not, we don’t have intergalactic communication I’m afraid.” Thor apologizes with a teasing smile. Thor excuses himself from her room, after a servant delivers a tray of food. 

After eating and changing into a nighttime dress, Rose lays in the covers making sure she has the necklace on. Letting herself fall to sleep- her eyes close and when they open she’s somewhere she’s never been before. It’s a beautiful house overlooking Asgard. Is she dreaming? “Hello darling,” Loki smiles, wearing only his under armor clothing. Rose smiles and stands to press her lips to his, “is this real?” She asks, stepping out onto the balcony. “Yes, we’re in your dream. What are you dreaming of dear?” Loki asks and Rose blushes. She fell asleep dreaming of having an actual life with Loki. “Of living here, it’s beautiful here.” She lies and Loki smiles- but there’s something off. “Are you okay?” Rose asks, turning to face him. Loki looks down at her, “you’re a mortal. I’m a God Rose.” Loki says suddenly going to sit down on the bed. Rose’s heart drops, “just because I’m a mortal doesn’t mean I’m less than-” “No, it means you will die thousands of years before I do.” Loki tells her, looking away. 

“Then lets enjoy the time we do have.” Rose says, reaching up to pull his lips closer to hers. He kisses her back feverishly, laying her back against the bed. Rose’s head is swimming- their romance is a whirlwind but she’s in love with a God she wasn’t expecting anything less. Loki’s hands ghost over her body, tugging down the sleeves of her nightdress, his eyes asking permission. Rose nods, her cheeks a rosy red as the clothing is removed leaving her in nothing but her panties. His lips are feather light on her skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps as his lips trace down the curve of her neck. He presses light kisses to her skin and his lips find their way to her collarbones, pressing gentle kisses to both of them. “You are breathtaking darling,” Loki whispers, his hands lightly brushing down her sides. His fingers hook into the waistband of her panties, this time needing verbal consent. “May I darling?” He asks but she hesitates, “I want to, I just don’t know if this means to you what it means to me.” Rose whispers, “I know how I feel darling, do you?” Loki asks, gently brushing the tip of his nose against hers. Rose nods, giving Loki permission to slide her panties down her legs.  

Loki leans back on his heels and takes her naked body in, her fair skin shining in the moonlight. Her chest is already heaving and he’s barely even touched her. “Loki please...” Rose whines, the sexual frustration becoming too much for her to handle. He smiles coyly as the tips of his fingers trail up her stomach and towards her breasts. Rose’s back arches up into his touch but his fingers trail back down her stomach again. He smiles as he presses gentle kisses to her inner thighs lips merely brushing against where she needs him the most. Rose has never felt anything like this before, her brain was static and she almost felt lightheaded, “are you sure you can take this darling? I’m no ordinary lover,” Loki asked sincerely, and Rose nodded. She couldn’t think straight enough to speak. Loki’s hand trails back up and finally brushes over her nipples, hard and ready for him. A groan escaped her lips as she looked down at him, the brilliant blue in his eyes almost gone as his pupils have blown wide open. His eyes are near black, with a thin blue ring around them. Rose was writhing under Loki, while he was still fully clothed. Loki has an affect over her body that no one else will ever have. 

Loki presses a kiss to her core, sending jolts up her body as he presses soft and gentle kisses around her. He runs his fingers through her folds, making sure she’s good and wet for him before he begins to undress. Rose’s chest is heaving as she leans up on her elbows, watching him lose his clothing piece by piece. She wants to tell him those 3 stupid little words but her mouth won’t let her, every time she opens her mouth her throat goes dry and her heart starts pounding so fast she can’t think. She wants to say it every time she looks into his eyes, I love you. But she doesn’t know if he even feels that way- maybe he just wants her body. Maybe it’s all just a trick, he is a God. It wouldn’t be hard for him to fool her. Once his pants hit the ground, Rose is in awe. He’s absolutely breathtaking, he practically glows in the moonlight. He looks like a God, perfect. Loki leans over her, his face a mere few inches from her own. He smiles fondly at her, pressing his lips to kiss her slowly and intimately. Rose’s eyes widen when she feels him pressing into her. He slides in inch by inch, spreading her open with a sharp burn up her pelvis. 

Loki presses kisses to her neck as she breathes through the pain, he’s bigger than she’s had before. Like a gentleman he waits until she’s ready for him to continue, and on the tip of his tongue are those 3 pesky little words he never thought he’d say to anyone. I love you. But he can’t love her, because one day he will lose her and be forced to live all those long years without her. That will drive him to the deepest pit of the darkness within him and he fears nothing will bring him back out of it. He pushes the words to the back of his throat when he feels her loosen considerably, and with a nod he’s sliding his hips back and her mouth falls open when he pushes them against her again. Rose moans softly as he gently continues to slide his hips back in long sensual strokes. This feels more like love making than anything else. Her hands wrap around his shoulders and back as he presses kisses to her shoulders and neck. 

He continues to press his hips against her, keeping his rhythm even though he felt that familiar coil tightening, Rose screwed her eyes shut as her nails dug into his back, that tightening feeling building and building until it bursts, with Loki stuttering before stopping with a deep breath. He kisses her shoulder before sliding out of her and reaching for his pants. Rose pulls the night dress over her head and sits behind Loki, pressing kisses to his bare back. He smiles, “did that really happen or was it all just in my head?” Rose asked and Loki chuckled, “You’ll have to find out tomorrow dove. Look at my back, you’ll know then.” He teases, referring to the scratch marks along his back. “Go to sleep darling, you’ll see me again soon enough.” He smiles, kissing her forehead as she lays down and lets her eyes slide shut. 

***

When her eyes open, she smiles. Rose leaps out of bed and dresses in a white and gold silk dress. Stepping into the hallway, Thor is nowhere to be found. “Excuse me but where is Thor?” Rose asks a guard, “The infirmary, Lady Rose, I can take you there if you’d like.” The guard offers and Rose nods. Entering the infirmary Rose sees Thor next to a woman with brown hair, “Thor?” Rose says, and he turns to look at her. “Good Morning Rose, this is Jane. She has a massive and powerful energy coursing through her, we’ve come to find out what it is.” Thor explains and Rose looks down at the woman and smiles. She glances between Rose and Thor and Rose smiles, “no Thor is my friend, one of my closest friends actually. I’m here for his brother- Loki.” Rose explains and her expression turns to anger. “You’re with Loki? That murderous, raving violent ass-” “Good morning Lady Rose, isn’t it time for your visit with Loki?” Odin smiles as he walks in, Rose smiles and bows before following a guard out of the room and down to the dungeons. 

Her face widens in a smile when Loki comes into view, entering his cell Rose wraps her arms around him immediately. Rose smiles shyly as Loki lifts the bottom of his shirt just enough for her to see a few red scratches. A blush crawls over her face as Loki chuckles, wrapping his arms around her. Rose looks through Loki’s books as he sits back against his bench and watches her fondly. “You know having a King for a Father must be intimidating.” Rose comments and Loki scowls, “I wouldn’t know I never met my Father.” He says and Rose’s eyebrows raise, “I’m a Jotunn, a Frost Giant. I was taken by Odin when he decimated my people and my father Laufey cast me out.” Loki explains, “you’re a Frost Giant? Aren’t they big and well- blue?” Rose asks, remembering when Thor used to talk about them. 

“Yes but I’m quite talented with Illusion Magic. I can choose to appear however I wish, my Mother told me when I was a baby Odin transformed my skin so I would blend in with Asgardian’s. Only touching a relic of the Jotunheim will bring out my true skin.” Loki explained, and Rose sat next to him, “but Thor described the Jotunn’s as though they’re monsters, you’re not a monster.” Rose asked and Loki’s eyes were cast to the ground. “If you think that’s true then you don’t know me very well.” Loki said coldly, and Rose felt taken aback. “But I do know you, I know who you really are. You can be the person I see in you, kind, giving, loyal, a true hero to the people.” Rose said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Lady Rose we are having an emergency and we need to escort you to safety.” A guard said and Loki said. “She’s already safe, leave her with me.” Loki demanded, “Sorry sir, Thor’s direct orders were to bring her to him immediately.” One of the guards said while the other entered the cell and gently grabbed Rose’s arm. 

“Loki!” Rose called as they took her out of the cell and towards the stairs. Loki can hear the screams of dying men and the clash of swords in the direction they were taking her, “please leave her here! You’re bringing her into danger!” Loki yelled, anger building in his veins. Rose looked back at Loki as she disappeared up the stairs and Loki felt nothing but absolute and utter panic in his veins. “Rose!” Loki called helplessly, listening to the sound of screaming. Rose was hauled along by the soldiers, seeing big elves in heavy armor cutting down all the Asgardian soldiers. “Oh my God,” She whispered as the guards finally delivered her to Thor. “Rose, thank goodness you’re okay.” Thor breathed, “This is my Mother Frigga- go with her she will keep you safe.” Thor instructs and Rose is taken away with Frigga. Loki paces in his cell as the battle has made its way to the dungeons, and he has nothing but fear and anger in his veins. If she were here with him he’d be able to protect her. Thor takes a step towards Loki’s cell- relieved to see he’s still in there and alive. “Where is she? I swear if you get her killed-” Loki growled. 

“She’s alive and well brother, she’s gone with Mother.” Thor snapped but Loki’s heart didn’t stop pounding wildly in his chest. Rose hid in Jane’s room with Frigga, fighting off a large snow elf. Jane’s eyes were red as Malekith held Frigga by her throat, and drove a sword into her abdomen. Everything went black when one of them slammed their sword into the back of Rose’s head and she crumpled to the floor. Thor lifted Rose to his arms and carried her to the infirmary where she stayed for 3 days. Loki couldn’t sleep, or eat, or drink. He sat with his head in his hands and his palms shaking. He can still those cursed words, words informing him that not only had his mother been murdered but the woman he lov- cared deeply for, was also in the infirmary. Loki continued to ask the guards how she is and if Rose is still alive, he hates that he can’t be there with her- that he has to go every agonizing second without knowing whether or not she’s okay. 

On the 3rd day when Rose awoke, Thor had come to the conclusion that he was going to need Loki’s help. He had put together the whole plan and only needed to get Loki to agree. Helping Rose out of bed, Thor filled her in on what he needed to do. “I don’t know a way to get out of Asgard without attracting Odin’s attention, but Loki does. He has many secret passageways on and off the planet. I’ll need to break him out- which means you’ll need to come with us. Odin told Loki if he escapes you’ll be executed.” Thor explained and Rose’s throat closed. “You think he’d really do it?” Rose asked and Thor nodded, “if it meant putting Loki in his place, he’d do anything.” Going down the stairs into the dungeons, Rose’s heart broke when she saw that Loki was practically unaffected by the fact that she was in the infirmary. Does he not care about her? When Loki saw her however tears were in his eyes, “hello darling.” He said with a smile and before she could reply- Thor did. “Enough Illusions brother.” And an Illusion melted away revealing destroyed furniture, the books shredded apart and broken glass as well as blood coming from the bottom of Loki’s foot. His hair was disheveled, and his eyes were red and puffy. 

After explaining what he needs to do Loki immediately refuses, “no, I can’t put Rose in danger.” Loki says, “she’s in danger if I go, she’ll be executed or worse slain by one of those damned elves.” Loki snapped and Rose crouched down to look at him. “Loki please, I’ll stay right by you the entire time I swear.” Rose begged and Loki looked over at her, already giving in. “Fine, but if anything happens to you-” “It won’t.” Rose smiled. Loki felt in his gut that this was a bad idea, but he couldn’t say no to her. He was still pulling away from her, a God and a Mortal were never meant to be. They were destined to be a tragedy right from the start and even in New York he knew getting close to her was dangerous but he just couldn’t stop himself. 

***

Loki watched as the sword dug through his chest, but he felt no pain. It was better if Rose thought he was dead, he can’t love her. She’s mortal he can’t live without her- he just can’t. He can’t do that to her. Let her lose him instead of him losing her. Rose’s hands flew to her face as Loki collapsed back. The wound seeping with blood, “no, no I-” Rose stammered unable to speak. It felt as though her entire world was crumbling to pieces in front of her. “Loki please no,” Rose cried as he stuttered through breaths- this can’t be happening. His hand reached up and brushed along her cheek as his body turned a ashy blue and his eyes closed. A scream erupted from Rose’s lungs, ripping through the barren wasteland as tears ran down her cheeks. Heavy sobs overtook her as her head fell against his chest, her hands dug into her hair on either side of her head. Rose cried and screamed and held that little silver necklace in her hands, her face buried in his chest. Thor took a step towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “We can’t leave him here!” She cried as Thor helped her up. “We have no choice,” Thor said, tears in his eyes as he looked back at his little brother.  

Everything went by in a blur, she couldn’t bring herself to care about anything or anyone and all the weeks later that she finally made her way back home and knocked on the door Tony yanked that door open and engulfed her in a tight hug. “Jesus Christ never disappear on me ever again. ‘Hey Tony going to Asgard home soon’? How is that supposed to ease my conscious?” Tony said, half joking, half scolding. When she doesn’t respond Tony pulls her back and looks at her, “what happened?” He asked- shutting the door behind her. “Loki- he...he’s dead.” Rose whispered, tears building in her eyes again. Tony’s face showed a mixture of emotions, but despite how he feels he pulls her in for a tight hug, knowing she loved him. She leaned against him, letting tears flow down her cheeks and her body shook with tears. 

Years went by, and Rose began training with Doctor Strange, learning how to harness the mystical arts, anything to get her mind off of how much her heart ached. She hated being alive every second of everyday and every night was plagued with nightmares- memories of him. Everything just hurt so much- without him life itself was meaningless. She’d become quite talented at opening gates but that was about all she could do- Doctor Strange said her heart was too troubled for the more complicated magic. She didn’t want to fall asleep, knowing the dreams won’t stop- but her eyes slid shut as she gave in to sleep. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” He smiled, and she can feel it gauging her heart as he moved about the dream, looking at her and she feels like he’s looking right through her. It’s agonizing, she sees his smile, hears his chuckle and his voice. “I’m exactly where I want to be,” Loki smiles, and Rose can see his eyes soften when he looks at her. She sees his shoulders relax- she notices things she missed the first time she met him. She took times like that for granted, not knowing he would be taken from her so soon. It’s not fair. Tears slide down her cheeks as the image of him swirls and disappears and then she’s standing in that room filled with moonlight. The light illuminating his face, and his crystal blue eyes. She watches as he hovers above her as he did that night and she closes her eyes- willing the memory away. When she opens her eyes, there’s his body. Cold and abandoned in the dusty planet she left it on, she screams and cries- collapsing to her knees. Every night it’s this, going through memories before this one appears before her and she loses herself all over again. 

Rose sits up in bed, sweat dripping down her forehead and tears still wet on her cheeks. Her chest is heaving as sobs force through her body- she can’t live like this anymore. She wipes away the tears and takes a shower, throwing on some clothes before heading to see Doctor Strange. He doesn’t mentor her in magic much anymore- but he still teaches her things about incantations. She goes over there now mostly because he’s her friend, and he takes her mind off Loki. Learning things from him gives her life purpose again. Stepping into the living room she opens a gate to his door and steps through in front of his door, closing the gate behind her. She turns and knocks on the door and Doctor Strange opens the door and smiles. “Sleep well?” He asks- knowing full well she didn’t. She glared at him before taking off her jacket, “for that you can hang up my jacket, no cheating.” Rose said, raising a brow. Steven smiled taking her jacket and hanging it on the hook. Rose laughed at his annoyed expression before hitting the books. “What are we doing today?” She asked eagerly causing Steven to raise his brows at her, “eager are we? As it so happens- nothing. Care for some tea?” He asks and Rose rolls her eyes, “nothing? Again?” She complains. 

“You don’t have to come over Ms. Stark,” Steven smiles, knowing she’s going to argue with him. She’s ornery, a real spitfire sometimes. “I come over because I want to, don’t give me that crap!” She snaps, her expression turning annoyed. Steven chuckled as they drank tea and read books, this is what they do mostly. At first she was going through lessons every day but not so much anymore- now they act like a married couple that’s been together for 80 years. They sit, drink tea, and read. But just being near Steven helps take her mind off Loki. A loud pounding on the door interrupts them, “Rose won’t you go get that for me?” Steven asks and Rose nods, standing and making her way to the door. Swinging it open she sees Thor. “Thor?” She asks, her smile widening- he engulfs her in a tight hug and spins her around. “What are you doing here?” He asks and Rose smiles as Steven comes into view. “I’m a friend of Doctor Strange.” She answers and Thor looks confused, “who?” “Uh, oh!” She exclaims seeing Steven behind her, “uh Thor this is Doctor Steven Strange, Steven this is Thor.” She introduced the two men as they smiled and greeted each other politely. Steven leaned in close to Rose, “go read that letter from Odin once more, I seem to have forgotten where he’s off to.” Steven lied, and Rose nodded. 

In all honesty, he wanted a chance to get Thor and Loki out of here before she got back, he didn’t want her knowing Loki was alive- knowing she’d run off again and get herself killed. Plus Tony Stark was adamant that Steven keep her safe at all costs. But she returned just as Thor said “I guess I’ll be needing my brother back.” Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open as Steven opened the portal and from it dropped Loki. “What?” Rose stammered, causing all eyes to turn to look at her. She made her way down the stairs towards Loki, “how- you...you died.” Rose said with tears in her eyes, “He faked his death Rose.” Thor explained before Loki could say anything. “Darling-” Loki started before she slapped him, tears streaming down her face. Rose turned and yanked the portal towards them- sending them all through it and to Norway. “Darling-” Loki started but Rose ignored him, turning and walking towards Odin with Thor. She couldn’t bare to look at him much less speak to him, how could he do that to her?

***

The next time Rose found the strength to look him was at Sakaar when the GrandMaster had led them to their own room. “Darling, can you please look at me?” Loki begged, but Rose just felt so torn up she couldn’t barely speak without being choked by tears. “You- you faked your own death, do you have any idea what that did to me?” Rose spoke, her voice low and tears threatening to spill over. “Am I a game to you Loki? Am I a goddamn game? You think it’s fun to play with my emotions?” Rose cried, turning to look at him- a dangerously angry look in her eyes. “No darling of course not, I was going to tell you when the time was right-” He started but Rose laughed bitterly. “Seriously? You shouldn’t have done it at all! Why- why on Earth would you torment the people you love like that? You destroyed us, me and Thor.” Rose cried and Loki for the first time actually thought she might leave him because of this. 

“I didn’t tell you because I can’t let myself care about you Rose, you will die and I’ll have to go on living without you!” Loki yelled, tears stinging his eyes. “That’s what you put me through! The dreams I had every single night was that you?” Rose asked, praying he would say no, praying he didn’t give her those dreams. “I thought they would help you heal-” He started but was cut off by Rose turning away from him- digging her fingers into her hair. This isn’t happening he didn’t actually do this her. This is another nightmare, just another nightmare. “You tormented me for years Loki! I wanted to die, I couldn’t live without you, I was in agony every single day just wishing a truck would hit and kill me!” Rose yelled, looking back at him. “I’m sorry Rose I really am,” Loki said but Rose couldn’t take it anymore. “Loki if you don’t say something better than ‘I’m sorry’ then I am going to walk out that door and you’ll never see me again.” Rose snaps, her voice weak from tears. 

Loki looks almost panicked, he stays silent as Rose brushes past him with tears in her eyes and at the last minute he turns and grabs her arm, “Darling please wait. I say I’m sorry because that’s all I have. I don’t have anything better, I’m sorry I was a coward and ran away from how I feel, I’m sorry I hurt you. I’ve done a lot of horrible things to a lot of innocent people, and I’ve never known guilt until I met you. You’ve awakened a side of me I was worried died a long time ago, Rose you are my strength and my weakness. You make me feel alive, and hollow. You are something I’ve never known in my entire life so I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry I was selfish. When I say ‘I’m sorry’ its the most sincere thing I can and will ever say.” Loki says, near begging and Rose’s eyes widen. She takes a step towards him, pressing her lips to his and just holding him- letting herself celebrate the fact that he’s alive. “I’m still upset, I don’t know if that’s something I’ll ever be able to forgive but I...” She closes her eyes, steeling her nerves as she looks at him again, “I love you. And I don’t want to lose you again.” Loki smiles and wraps his arms around her, “I love you darling, and admitting it has been the scariest thing I’ve ever done.” 

***

Rose watches with tears in her eyes as Thanos approaches her, Loki standing and watching him press a stone to Rose’s head. Rose starts screaming, the pain like fire through her skull, “alright enough!” Loki yells, tears in his eyes and a defeated and empty look on his face. Thanos turns to Loki and takes the Space Stone from the Tesseract. Loki looks back at Rose, smiling sadly knowing one of them isn’t going to make it out of this alive. Loki smiles and fake offers Thanos a chance to let him be his guide on Earth, but when the opportunity presents itself he whips out a knife and attempts to stab Thanos, Thanos freezes him and lifts him by the throat. Rose watches with wide eyes, tears down her cheeks as she knows this is real. This isn’t an illusion, that’s really Loki. With a squeeze his neck breaks, and his body is tossed in front of her and Thor, this isn’t real. Tears stream down her face as everything feels empty, she can’t of lost him again, she can’t go through that again. He sacrificed his life so that her and Thor may be spared. 

This can’t be happening. 

***

“Tony, don’t!” Rose screams as she watches him snap his fingers, and she sees the power scorch half his body and tears stream down her face. Rose stands and sprint towards him, seeing Aliens turning to dust around her, including Thanos. She kneels in front of Tony, “what did you do?” She cries, “I lost Loki I can’t lose you too.” She sobs as Rose helps him stand and move him. Pepper helps her set him down as the rest surround them. “Tony, please we’ll get you help we’ll-” But he cuts Rose off, “I’m proud of you tot. Love you kiddo,” He breathes, growing weaker. Everyone else’s words are nothing as she hears only blood rushing in her ears and her own rapid heartbeat, when his eyes close another scream erupts from her lungs. Sobs over take her as she completely loses herself. 

Mom.

Dad.

Loki.

Tony.

She has absolutely nothing left, no one left. Besides Morgan, that’s all she has. Rose’s body shakes as she cries, her face on Tony’s shoulder. Her body may be working, and her heart pumping but she’s dead. Thanos took everything from her, everything. Rose digs her hands into her hair, and screams. 

[corruptedtxt]

so i’m writing/creating my own btd murderer character. i’m still fleshing out his details and story, but i wrote an introduction for him and mc? if anyone wants to give it a read or whatever. i’ll post the link but also post it here

link also posting below here in case the link doesnt work or something it looks better in the doc bc of the fonts and shit but yknow

Happenstance ( mc pov )

Vzzt. Vzzt. Vzzt. Vzzt―.

Hearing the ever familiar whirring, eyelids gradually opened, staring blankly at the white wall of their dorm room. Judging from how lit the room was, it could be surmised that it was already morning. Releasing a puff of air, eyes returned to their shut state, burrowing further into the case that sheathed the pillow embraced within their arms. It was far too early to be awake… Vzzt. Vzzt. Vzzt. Vzzt―.

Having forgot about the continuous vibrations, a grunt was released, shifting in bed as hands blindly attempted to find the source beneath the mass of sheets. Why was the phone unable to just stay in one place throughout the night? Vzzt. Vzzt. Vzzt. Vzzt―.

Annoyance further pressed, their body lurched upwards, haphazardly throwing the sheets back to expose the bed. No phone. Reaching towards their surplus of pillows, each one would be raised, searching for the damned phone. Still, no phone. What the hell?

Vzzt. Vzzt. Vzzt. Vzzt―.

Eyes slowly went towards the foot of the bed, arms sliding beneath the previously thrown sheets. After a moment of blindly swinging their arms around, the back of their hand finally hit a glass surface. Victorious, fingers clutched around the mobile device and yanked it free. How did this happen so frequently. Vibrating in their clutches, eyes stared at the now lit up screen, finger sliding across the screen to shut the alarm off. Once gone, only one thing remained: time. 9:45 AM.

❝ ―Fuck! I’m gonna be late! ❞

Flinging themselves out of bed, their usual morning routine would be cut in half. Throwing on a simple hoodie would have to do. After running a quick brush through their bed head and brushing their teeth, they returned to their work desk, tossing their school books in, all while attempting to stuff their feet inside their shoes. Laces be damned.

Slinging the book back over their shoulder, they briskly exited the dorm room. It was mid-winter, a brisk, cool wild hitting their face as they sped walked across campus. Did they look rather silly? Perhaps, but after being consistently late for this class twice this week already, it had been a personal goal to arrive on time―early, even. So much for that. College campuses were essentially set up to doom any and all late comers with how spacious they were.

Approaching the quad, a chilled hand reached within the pocket of their hoodie and pulled out their cell phone.

9:56 AM.

❝ Of course... ❞ An exasperated sigh pushed its way through their airway, eyes gazing towards the building which held the cafeteria. ...Well, if they were going to be late already, what was a few extra minutes? With how this day had started, a pick-me-up would surely be needed, and coffee was a tremendous ally. Changing course, they now had a new mission.

Pulling the door towards them, warm air melting the frigid layer that encompassed their skin. After observing that the length of the line wasn’t too horrid, they approached, standing in spot, waiting to approach the barista to place their order.

The wait hadn’t been too awful, and it was worth it, especially to feel the heat radiating off of the styrofoam cup, feeling the sensation seep into their fingers. It was almost to the point of burning them, but it was a comforting feeling. Swiftly turning around, their heart stopped momentarily, narrowly managing to dodge running into someone. That would have been bad―especially considering how scolding hot the coffee was. It could have seriously burnt this man. ❝ Shit, I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. Are you okay? ❞ The tone seemed less than sincere, if only because no damage had actually been done. Not to mention, they were on a bit of a time crunch. There was no more time to waste, otherwise they would be extra late.

The aforementioned male’s―actually, would it be more appropriate to call him a giant?―aloof countenance ebbed away any true concern, the corners of his mouth raising slightly into the tell-tale signs of a smile. Was he trying to make them feel better, or was it for himself? It was hard to read, for some reason.

❝ I’m fine, no harm done. You should be more careful, next time.  ❞

While his words seemed a bit condescending, his tone was anything but that. It was almost as if he held more concern for them rather than his own self. Almost as if the coffee would have spilled on him, he would still be the one apologizing for some reason. While tall, he also appeared lanky in stature, maintaining a rather poor posture. Hair longer than most, it also curled around the ends, bangs parted in such a way to cover the left part of his face. His whole appearance gave off a rather ‘edgy’ vibe, but he pulled it off fairly well. His appearance didn’t seem to match his seemingly quiet and tender personality. Granted these were all assumptions they were making of a stranger…

Wait, shit. They had a class to get to.

❝ Right, I will be. I have a class to get to, though. I’m super late. Sorry, again. Uh―later. ❞

Well, as lame as an exit as that was, there was no time to dwell on it. Turning away, they exited the cafeteria, once more continuing their rushed pace towards the art building. Why did they need an art credit, anyway? Well, it wasn’t like they had really chosen a major yet, so dipping their toes in every field was what the adviser had suggested, but…

Art was something you were born good at, right? Drawing something as simple as a stick figure came out completely awful for them. Oh well, it was just for a semester. Maybe the teacher would have pity on them…

Judging by the disapproving glare they received upon entering late for the third time this week, they highly doubted it. Attempting to be as quiet as possible, they tiptoed around portfolios and book bags, getting to their table and taking a seat. With the semester just starting, class mainly consisted of simple vocabulary terms and slight history regarding class assignments and projects that would be accomplished through the semester.

Paying attention proved to be difficult, especially as the classroom door opened once more, and a familiar face walked through. It was that guy―coffee guy. He was taking this art class, too? Why had they never noticed him before? He was sort of hard to miss. After a brief verbal disapproval from the teacher, and having him take his time to arrive at his table and seat, the lecture continued. However, most of it was tuned out, staring at the mysterious, edgy tall boy. Various questions swarmed their mind: What was his reason for taking the class? Had he known it was him at the cafeteria? Why did he not say anything?

Apparently they had been staring too hard, because suddenly their eyes were locked together. Breath caught momentarily in their throat, they felt like a deer caught in headlights. He was staring so intensely...was he just returning the gaze? Had they been staring that hard? Seemingly amused, he smirked, the back of his hand pressing against his cheek, head facing back forward towards the board, zoning back into the lecture.

With their gaze broken, their regular breathing returned, but their heart rate was another story. It was beating rather hard against their chest...from being caught in the act of staring, maybe? Damn, what if they looked like a freak? Maybe it was pretty freaky, though…

❝ ...and so you will need a partner for this assignment. To keep things fun, I’ve put the number of students in this class inside of a hat. Pass it around, and draw a number. I’ll put the number pairs up here on the projector.    ❞

What? How lame was that? Not only did partner and group projects suck, but being partnered with a stranger was so awkward...though, maybe it would be a chance to make a new friend. That was something they were lacking thus far in the ‘college experience’. Once the black top hat finally arrived, they reached in, fishing around for a scrap of paper. Pulling it out, they slowly unfolded it, revealing a hastily written number: 13.

Glancing up at the projector, their eyes scanned for the paired number: 8. So, whoever had the number eight was their partner, right? Noticing that the pairs were already beginning to meet up, their eyes scanned to room for any loners, assuming that by the process of elimination, that would be their partner. Once more, their eyes locked with his―coffee guy. Did...that mean that they were partners? Seriously? Why was life so against them today?

Slowly pushing them self out of the chair, they maneuvered around the room, until they were standing directly in front of the nameless classmate. Once more, their lungs seemed to constrict, making breathing a tad difficult. What were they so nervous for? There was no reason. He was just a normal guy―a classmate.

❝ You have number eight, I’m guessing? ❞

Fetching the paper that was resting on top of his closed notebook, he held it up between his pointer and middle finger, showcasing the number.

❝ Yeah, I do. ❞

❝ It’s a pretty bizarre coincidence, wouldn’t you say?  ❞

They let out a nervous laugh, eyes diverting elsewhere. God, way to be even more of a loser in front of the guy. However, he didn’t seem to mind. Rather, a smile twitched on his lips, chuckling lightly as blue-grey eyes gazing up towards my face.

❝ A coincidence, or fate? ❞

[honeycut-a-blog]

❤💦😢💔

LOVE  &  SEXUALITY  QUESTIONS!   /   ACCEPTING.

❤  HAVE THEY EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

i  wanna  say  …  yes  and  no.    yes,   because  there’s  definitely  been  times  in  her  busy  life  where  she’s  brushed  with  serious  romantic  inclinations  for  another  person. 

but  also  no,   because  she’s  never  really  allowed  herself  to  fully  chase  after  those  notions. 

like,   here’s  the  thing.    love  is  a  real  bag  of  shit.    it  is.    it  is!    it  feels  good,   looks  good,   but  it’ll  change  you  completely  and  you  just  gotta  deal.    sit  in  your  little  carseat  with  your  fuckin.    little  idiot  goldfish  crackers  and  your  stupid - ass  baby  cup  for  babies  and  let  that  bitch  ride  out.    that’s  exactly  how  it  is.    it  completely  takes  over,   you  know,   just  busts  up  in  here  and  you  aren’t  even  prepared,   deer  in  the  headlights,   pants  down,   tits  out,   you  gotta  fuckin  deal.

but  it’s  not  that  easy!    it  never  is.    love  is  intrusive  as  fuck  and  often  overpowers  all  rational  thinking.    when  you’re  in  love,   that  person  is  always  gonna  be  the  only  thing  on  your  mind.    you  do  stupid,   impulsive  things  for  them,   maybe  to  protect  them  or  save  them  or  even  just  to  hold  the  smallest  bit  of  their  attention,   without  really  considering  the  consequences  or  what  it’ll  do  to  you  in  the  aftermath.    or  you  feel  the  need  to  tell  them  every  little  detail  about  you,   all  your  secrets  and  your  stories,   and  it  physically  pains  you  when  you  don’t.    you  just  wanna  give  up  everything  you  are  to  that  one  fucking  person  and  they’re  free  to  do  with  it  whatever  they  want.    kill  you  with  it,   even.    at  that  point  you’re  probably  wishing  they  just  would.

and  then  there’s  hawke.    hawke,   with  all  the  pride  in  the  world.    with  an  absolute  fortress  built  around  herself.    with  nothing  left  to  lose  and  yet  everything  left  to  lose.    hawke  has  never  experienced  any  of  that.    she’s  never  wanted  to  give  up  all  her  secrets  to  one  other  person,   never  sought  to  sacrifice  her  own  happiness  or  reputation  for  anything  smaller  than  the  greater  good.    never  wanted  to  turn  herself  completely  inside  out  until  there  was  nothing  left  to  hide  from  them.    she  has  way  too  much  dignity;   stubborn  as  shit,   very  secretive,   very  careful  about  who  she  lets  into  her  personal  life  (  the  real  one,   anyway.   girl’s  got  a  little  black  book  thicker  than  the  bible.  )    

if  she  were  to  ever  fall  in  love,   it’d  just.   man  it’d  just  tear  her  apart.   p  much  erase  everything  she  is  as  a  person  and  build  a  whole  new  woman  out  of  what  she  feels  for  someone  else.    it’d  be  fucked  up  and  she  actually  can’t  even  fathom  ever  being  like  that.    that’s  not  to  say  she  doesn’t  know  how  to  love,   cuz  she’s  not  cold - hearted,   but  she’s  just  …  scared  of  it.    either  she’s  afraid  of  the  day  it  really,   really  happens,   or  she  doesn’t  think  it  ever  will  happen,   not  entirely,   not  fully.    it’s  not  her  biggest  priority  either  way,   but  i  think  that  if  you  could  be  someone  hawke  loves,   someone  she  really,  really  loves  and  trusts,   then  it’s  like  …   a  whole  victory  on  its  own,   and  you  better  be  prepared  for  her  acting  weird  as  shit  when  she  finally realizes  it  too.

💦 WHEN DID THEY LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY? 

relatively  young.    although  she’d  fooled  around  before  ( age  13  or  so ),   she  didn’t  have  penetrative  sex  until  she  was  fifteen,  and  with  a  boy  a  few  years  older  than  her  who  made  a  real  bad  first  impression.    she’d  only  been  with  girls  before  that    —    you  know,   experimenting  and  whatnot,   because  she  was  ~ blossoming ~  and  it  was  easier  to go  at  it  with  anatomy  she  was  already  familiar  with.    

😢 HAVE THEY EVER BEEN CHEATED ON BY A PARTNER?

nope.    i  think  it’s  important  to  note  that  hawke  is  not  only  super  noncommittal  in  the  first  place,   but  very,   very  careful  when  choosing  a  real  partner.    she’ll  do  all  she  can  to  avoid  situations  where  there’s  even  a  slight  chance  that  her  pride  could  be  hurt,   so  it’s  not  very  often  that  she  engages  in  a  real  relationship.    if  she  trusts  the  other  person  a  lot  and  has  spent  a  long  time  with  them,   then  maybe  she’ll  go  for  it,   but  again,   that’s  super  rare  because  she’s  kinda  plagued  with  this  incessant  need  to  neurotically  foresee  what  small  things  could  go  wrong  and  how  that  could  affect  her  or  her  reputation.

that  being  said,   if  unromanced  throughout  DA2,   then  she’s  only  been  in  one  other  relationship  in  her  life  when  she  was  just  a  child,   so  it  almost  doesn’t  really  count  (  although  it  really  did  to  her  at  the  time  ).    otherwise  she’s  had  a  plethora  of  fuckbuddies  and  one  night  stands,   most  of  which  were  super  regrettable  coughcoughmeeran  but  no  one  to  actually  earn  the  title  of  her  exclusive  partner  just  yet.    even  so,   i  think  you’d  have  to  have  a  real  death  wish  to  cheat  on  her,   even  incidentally,   and  try  to  get  away  with  it.    hawke  may  fuck  around  but  she  doesn’t  fuck  around,  you  know?    she  might  actually  kill  you.    like,  not  in  a  funny  ha ha  way,   i  mean  that  chick  will  actually,   literally  hunt  you  down  and  kill  you.    it’s  not  only  that  you  completely  broke  her  trust,   but  it’s  a  personal  loss  on  her,   cuz  she  allowed  herself  to  be  fooled  in  the  first  place.

💔  WHAT WAS THEIR WORST BREAKUP?

i  wouldn’t  call  it  a  break  up  per  se,   but  when  she  was  young    —    ten,   eleven    —    she  had  a  little  elven  girlfriend  who  went  missing  one  day.    it  actually  really  fucked  her  up,   and  she  never  did  talk  about  it  with  anyone,   but  it  was  just  …   a  weird  feeling.    scary,  of  course,   but  the  feeling  of  just  standing  by  the  seaside,   looking  at  something  that  was  there  and  now  it’s  not,   it’s  just.    eerie,   right?    like  watching  a  modern  movie  starring  someone  who’s  now  dead.    you  feel  weird.    everything  feels  weird.    not  real,   for  just  a  minute.    that’s  how  it  was  for  her  at  that  age,   and  she’d  never  experienced  anything  like  that  before,  and  it  just  kinda   …   it  drowned  out  the  heartbreak,   being  as  overwhelming  as  it  was.    overwhelming  and  numb  all  at  once.    

they  met  in  one  of  the  small  villages  hawke  lived  in  temporarily  while  she  and  her  family  were  still  moving  around.    the  relationship  wasn’t  anything  too  heavy,   just  the  light  shit  that  children  do,   yknow,   holding  hands,   kissing  playfully.    sharing  snacks.   building  hideouts.    that  shit.    it  was  very  innocent,   but  it  was  still  a  definite,  confirmed  relationship  between  the  two  of  them;  hawke  had  very  seriously  asked  this  little  girl  to  date  her.

being  at  such  a  tender  age,   it  was  really  hard  for  hawke  to  rationalize  what  kind  of  bad  things  happened  in  little  places  like  this.    i  mean,  you  understand  the  little  dangers,   like  who  not  to  talk  to  and  where  not  to  go,   but  you  don’t  really  get  the  big  picture.    you  don’t  get  why  things  happen  the  way  they  do  or  how  they  could  ever  happen  to  someone  like  you.   you  don’t  get  why  people  hurt  other  people.    sure,   it  was  embedded  into  her  at  a  fairly  young  age  that  the  world  wasn’t  a  trusting  place,   but  sometimes  it  was  easy  to  forget  that  little  fact  when  she’d  met  someone  who  made  her  feel  like  it  wasn’t  so  bad  afterall.

the  slavers  came  late  in  the  night  and  docked  their  boat  right  where  the  waves  meet  the  sand,   where  the  girls  liked  to  stand  on  grey  days  and  wiggles  their  toes.    they  didn’t  make  a  sound.    they'd  been  summoned  on  tips,   knowing  exactly  where  to  go.   raided.    left.    gone  by  sun - up.

no  one  knew  that  hawke  had  been  so  close  to  that  girl,   therefore  no  one  had  thought  of  explaining  to  her  what  had  happened.    she  was  just  left  alone  with  that  fear,   standing  there  by  the  water,   looking  at  what  once  was  but  would  never  be  anymore.

when  she  was  younger,   hawke’s  father  made  the  mistake  of  telling  her  horror  stories  of  sirens  and  sea  monsters,   birthing  that  fear  in  her  as  she  always  took  his  word  for  gospel.   she  had  already  hated  the  water  and  would  never  go  past  the  shore,   feeling  that  as  long  as  she  was  still  on  land,   nothing  could  get  her.

in  her  young  mind,   she  rationalized  that  the  sirens  had  taken  her  little  girlfriend  afterall.    they’d  made  the  mistake  of  thinking  they  were  safe,   invading  upon  that  turf,   and  the  sirens  made  her  pay  for  it.    it  was  a  lot  to  swallow  for  a  child.

needless  to  say  she  grew  out  of  that  mindset  when  she  was  older,   but  she  never  stopped  hating  the  water,   never  stopped  being  afraid  that  she’d  slip  in  and  get  pulled  down.    traveling  was  harder  after  that.    she  couldn’t  help  but  wonder  if  they  were  sailing  right  over  the  remains  of  what  once  was,   and  it  made  her  stomach  churn  each  time.    she  got  sea  sick  far  more  often.    even  the  smell  of  the  water  evoked  that  old  sentiment  in  her  gut,   that  sadness,   that  fear    —    and  that  still  holds  true  even  to  this  day,   although  she’s  mostly  forgotten  about  its  origin.