#also SHUT THE FUCK UUUUP... “THEIR KAEYA” WHAT IF I JUST DIE RIGHT NYEOW

[glacialswordsman-a]

they had been away from mondstadt for months now , at first it was just to heal , calm their mind , and give their self time to reflect over what had happened . they also wanted to give kaeya space , give him time to calm down and get his thoughts together - because they knew that if they didn't talking would probably get no where . they wanted a chance , a chance to talk and work this out , the last few months had been painful , oddly enough staying away from him had been far more painful than the burn that they had received .

and yet they still find anxiety clouding their mind as they stand in front of his apartment , they want to run but they don't . instead they take a deep breath and reach out to knock against the door before stepping back to wait .

they've gone over what they'll say a thousand times , a thousand different ways . about how they want to talk this out , how they want to fix this - remind kaeya it isn't his fault because they know that he's probably been blaming himself . things that they've written in letters only to end up throwing them away rather than sending them off to mondstadt for him to read .

all of that however is thrown out the window when they finally set their eyes on him again .

their kaeya .

❛❛ starshine ... gods i've missed you . ❜❜ they reach out for a moment , before hesitating -- pulling their arms back towards their self . would he even want them to touch him , to hug him ? this wasn't apart of the plan , to be overwhelmed with emotion . they were suppose to be smart about all of this ...

❛❛ can ... can i hug you ? - i know i should be saying we need to talk , which we do need to talk but ... i just really want to hug you . is that okay ? ❜❜

( i told you. you would be getting an ask )

Cold.

Empty.

Lonely.

These past few months were hollow, save those three distinct feelings, ever since he had lost both his lover and then his brother within the same week.

There had been nary a word from Ajax ever since he had left, save Lumine’s assurances that he was safe in Fontaine. He was relieved to hear that the ginger had retreated to a place where they knew they’d be kept safe and secure, where Lumine would still be able to visit them here and there…yet it also tore Kaeya’s heart apart.

He will always be grateful to Lumine for going between them to check on them, but he knew very well that she was wearing herself ragged. It wasn’t fair to her, nor was it fair to Ajax. This was all Kaeya’s fault, after all, and yet they were the ones paying the price. Diluc, too, was paying the price.

Guilt devoured and swallowed Kaeya whole after all the events transpired, leaving him a man bereft of warmth, familiarity, comfort—of love. That from his brother, and that—or something akin to that—from Ajax. And yet, he made no move to reach for that which he yearned for again.

No, in fact, he kept to himself. Forced himself to put those masks back on, just as he learned to do when Diluc first left Mondstadt after that fateful night. It was a repeat of Kaeya’s mistakes, where he was unable to be honest until the very last second – until the worst possible moment. The only difference is that he wasn’t burned this time, unlike Ajax. Diluc kept his promise to not harm a hair on Kaeya's head again, whereas Kaeya couldn’t even divulge even a sliver of truth until it was too late.

How strange that every time Kaeya loses someone, it storms.

The Cavalry Captain was certain that neither of them wanted to see him again, anyway. Why would they? Ajax never wrote to him, and nor did Diluc (at least not directly). The pain he felt when Adelinde gave him his—once again—estranged brother’s regards was immense, and had left him frigid ever since. The temperature around his immediate self remained low, while his skin felt like that of a corpse.

Absolutely freezing.

The fact that neither of them wrote to him directly told him everything he needed to know: he’s no longer wanted. No longer worthy of their warmth.

There was an obvious pain that lingered in his eye more than ever before, if people were able to catch a glimpse of it. Otherwise, it was as though nothing was different. Or perhaps a better comparison is that it was as though everything was back the way it was since Diluc’s 18th birthday, only a touch worse. His mask of charming aloofness returned tenfold, those disarming smiles much broader, his teeth glinting a little more dangerously past curled lips. He still got his work done, was always exceptional when it came to bartering information from others through will or through force. But there was an edge, every time he tried to pull something out of someone. Every time he turned in his work to Jean.

And along with that edge came debilitating loneliness from the separation of two of the people he held closest to his heart. Whenever he finished his job for the day, he’d immediately return home and isolate himself for the rest of the evening. He never took the chance to leave the city again after the night Adelinde waited for him in his home.

Thus, here he was now, curled within his bed as his room was completely iced over, icicles hanging from his windowsill and ceiling (which he never found it in himself to properly remove), the glass panes frosted, his wooden furniture beginning to crack from the sheer cold. Every night it was like this, and tonight was no different.

Or so he thought.

Hearing the knocks, he blinked his eye open and slowly lifted his head from his fetal position, his gaze glancing towards his bedroom door. The knocking is coming from the entryway. Perhaps it’s Rosaria coming to check on him, or something. Again.

With a slow, heavy sigh through his nose, he was tempted to ignore the knocking outright, yet if it is Rosaria, she’d more than likely harass him after waiting outside too long, and he didn’t want to deal with her potential scolding. Unfurling his body, he sluggishly and reluctantly sat up before standing, the cold following him by leaving icy steps along the path he walked while small snowflakes drifted from his own person.

Rosaria was really the only one Kaeya allowed himself to simply be raw around now, and so when he opened his front door, he didn’t put on a mask and simply had an expression of mild irritation and shame. He hates being looked out after like this, as though he’s a pathetic animal, or as though he's danger to himself. “Rosie, please, wouldn’t this be the third time this week—?”

He paused, as his gaze finally lifted to meet deep, oceanic eyes littered with ripples and stars. His breath left him completely at the sight of Ajax—at the sound of their voice.

‘Starshine…’

What was once on his countenance had been completely wiped away, and instead replaced by shock, incredulity, as well as apprehension.

“… Childe?” he inquired, his voice oh so quiet and fragile. Kaeya’s heart squeezed much too tightly for his liking when the ginger asked to hug him, waiting patiently despite the yearning laced in their tone. Swallowing around the lump in his throat dryly, he’d glance around outside once to make sure there was no one else before motioning for the other to come into his apartment first.

Once inside, he shut the door with a gentle ‘click’, his gaze nervous as it returned towards Ajax. He wants to hug them, terribly so. He wants to feel them, hold them, take in their scent, bury himself into them and never surface again as long as it kept him with them.

But that’s only for people who deserve it. Not Kaeya.

“M—maybe we should go sit down instead. Um. Do you, want anything…? Some tea, or something? O-or a blanket?”