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akfsylph · 2 years ago

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Blizzard of ‘23

ayoo what's up crusty crew

i will give a smut warning for this chapter ;) enjoy

i have two more chapters coming out and that will complete the fic. thanks for reading and i look forward to seeing what u guys think!!!

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 4

Long legs swung themselves off the bed as Kyle began pacing back and forth in front of the piece of furniture. He was a bit surprised at his continuous abruptness with the other man; first being at Tweek Bros and now he had just told Eric Cartman he would be spending the night with him.

He retrieved his phone from the end of the bed where he previously tossed it to see that Cartman had conveniently texted him his address with a winky face. Fuck that winky face, the redhead thought, tucking his phone into a pocket.

He could play this off, he continued to think as he collected a few belongings. His mind kept telling him he hated the idea of what was happening, but his body was moving hastily to take him to the brunet’s house. Slender arms brought his travel bag to his shoulder as he speedily left the room and went straight into the hallway.

Luck wasn’t on his side when Kyle hoped he wouldn’t have to explain to his brother or his parents where he was running off to. He would never be used to having to explain his whereabouts after the redhead moved out from his overprotective parents.

Perhaps he did have a bit of luck: The family member he ran into was Ike.

“Where you running off to, buddy?” Ike questioned, looking at Kyle’s bag hanging next to his waist.

“I-I,” Kyle began and thought about what he should precisely say, “Remember what happened with my car? I’m meeting up with an old friend that’s going to help me fix it up.” The redhead was pleased with what he had come up with as he successfully did not mention Cartman to his younger brother.

“That’s great, Kyle,” Ike said, “get going before mom and dad see you!” the noirette waved him off, believing that his brother was simply trying to avoid his parents.

Besides, how could Ike possibly know what was going on between him and Cartman—?

“Oh,” the younger Broflovski called quietly before the redhead bolted down the stairs, “if anything happens with You-Know-Who, let me know,” he finished with a wink.

Goddamn it, Ike. And fuck his winky face too.

~*~*~*~*~

Kyle was able to keep away from his parents, who were preoccupied drinking red wine and watching some television program, cuddled together on the couch. The drive to Cartman’s apartment wasn’t a bad trip being only fifteen minutes away. The roads also weren’t terrible; his winter tires could definitely manage.

When he arrived at the apartment complex, he parked his car in a designated guest parking space and checked his phone to see if the husky boy had sent him any more messages. Cartman simply sent him an apartment number, apartment 223, and simple directions on how to find it.

Kyle followed the instructions, making sure the main office was to his right as he walked until he saw a set on stairs, turned left, and walked up to Cartman’s door.

He waited a moment before knocking three times on the poorly painted front door and took a step back. He wondered how long the other boy would make him wait in the bitter cold, knowing how obnoxiously rude the other man could be.

To his surprise, Cartman answered the door immediately, making Kyle think he was waiting for him. That surely gave the redhead a boost to his ego. The brunet’s eyes checked Kyle, then fully opened the door to let the tall man in.

The apartment was surprisingly nice; it was small but clean with the basic essentials one would typically see in a living room. Kyle stood unmoving in the entrance, watching the brunet waltzing over to the couch. Cartman plopped himself down, crossed his legs, and patted the seat next to him, waiting for Kyle to accompany him.

The redhead dropped his bag to the floor has he sauntered over to the seated man, sitting himself on the very end of the couch rather than where Cartman had wanted him to. He rested his elbow on the arm of the couch and placed his hand underneath his chin. He then raised an eyebrow at the brunet as he waited for him to initiate conversation.

“You’re not gonna be a pussy about this now, are you?”

Kye’s face flushed for a moment before he responded, “No, I’m not gonna be a pussy, asshole! I’m never a pussy.”

Eric let out a boastful laugh before saying, “Yes, you so are! You hung up like a little bitch after I made one suggestive comment.” A smile was plastered on his fat face.

“Shut up, dude, that’s not true. I just figured it would be easier to get to Butters’s shop from here, that’s all,” Kyle defended.

“Bullshit, you and I both know why you’re here,” the pudgy man said, staring intently at the redhead who was trying to exhibit himself as someone who wasn’t absolutely flustered. Eric began scooting in closer to the taller man, leaving Kyle with little room to escape.

An arm was soon snaking itself around Kyle’s lean waist and fingers set themselves on the hip bone. The redhead’s heart was racing and he felt himself become hot, but he would rather die than let Cartman catch him sputtering or caught off guard again. The brunet had been getting the better of him since their meeting at the old coffee shop, and he refused to keep losing.

Kyle turned his head to face the man getting comfortable right next to him, and a slender arm wrapped itself around the shoulders of the Cartman, giving them a squeeze and pulling him in closer.

“Well, then why the hell am I here then?”

Cartman smirked and took this as an invitation, wasting no time to bring Kyle’s face in so their lips could glue themselves together. Pudgy hands were firmly attached to the waist of the redhead as lips moved in sync while slim fingers gripped brown locks.

The kiss became more heated, rougher, and messier. Both men didn’t care as tongues met and Cartman used the arms planted around Kyle’s waist to hoist him from his sitting position into one where the shorter man was lying on top, having the taller man on his back and long legs spread slightly.

Kyle’s hand traveled from the brunet’s hair to his neck, keeping the other man as close to him as possible. Cartman’s knee was in between the redhead’s leg, dangerously close to the hard-on forming in Kyle’s pants. He was being a bit stubborn however, as he waited for Cartman to make any further advancements from their current make out session, but not giving any indications that he wanted it to stop.

Cartman pulled away from the pale boy’s lips, breathing heavily with lustful eyes observing the body under him. He gave Kyle a passionate kiss on the mouth before he began to leave them down his neck and collarbone. The heavier man became frustrated with the clothes preventing him from proceeding further with his shower of wet kisses; Cartman swiftly started to lift the sweater from Kyle’s body as the redhead lifted slightly to help the removal process. He didn’t stop there—the brunet was then unbuttoning the dark pants hung around the slim man’s waist, sliding them to his ankles.

Pleased with what the scene before him and with the fact he could now sufficiently leave a trail of kisses down the redhead’s body, Cartman resumed his journey. He went fast at first, starting again at the neck and then to his hairy chest, but he slowed himself when he heard Kyle hitch his breath. Lips creeped down to his stomach at a painfully slow rate, and the redhead’s moans finally became audible when multiple kisses were being placed right above his throbbing dick.

Kyle knew the exact face the other man was wearing, and if he wasn’t so turned on right now, he probably would have smacked him across the head. He knew Cartman was so pleased with himself right now, having Kyle moaning beneath him despite his efforts not to show his pleasure.

The brunet then placed a long kiss on the length begging to be freed from Kyle’s underwear. The taller man threw his head back when he felt this, both hands moving to hold on to the sides of the other man’s head. One, two, three more kisses trailed up the length before Cartman removed the underwear, finally releasing Kyle.

A tongue soon started licking the precum off and a hand settled itself at the base. Cartman swirled his tongue around the head and mouthed it teasingly, knowing that it would frustrate the redhead.

“F-Fucking get on with it already, shithead,” Kyle demanded.

Cartman again responded with action rather than words as his mouth promptly. took the length of Kyle fully, making him gasp and moan. The brunet sucked, earning a tug of the hair in return as he soon incorporated his tongue, sucking and sucking and the tongue danced around Kyle’s dick.

Kyle’s hands continued to grip brunet locks as sweat formed around his body; he was desperate for release and with the way Cartman’s mouth played and sucked his cock, he knew he was close.

“Shit, dude, I’m gonna come,” he warned, and mismatched eyes looked at the redhead. Kyle felt the smile on Cartman’s face as both hands pinned his waist down, sucking all the way down to the base.

“F-Fuck, Eric,” Kyle mumbled as he released into the working mouth, continuing to pump until there was no more.

Both boys puffed and panted as their bodies removed themselves from each other, Kyle remaining on his back sluggishly while the brunet sat upright.

“Did you call me Eric?” he asked.

The taller man looked up at the other man, surprised and annoyed that he had heard him call him by his first name under his breath.

“No, I didn’t call you by your first name, dumbass,” Kyle retorted, “you must be hearing shit.”

Eric smiled and rolled his eyes, giving up immediately on an argument knowing that Kyle wouldn’t give up himself. He then asked, “How long are you in town for?”

“Two weeks. I leave right around Christmas time.”

“Great; that’s plenty of time to return the favor.”

#souh park #sp kyman #kyman #kyle x cartman #cartman x kyle #kyle broflovski #ike broflovski #eric cartman

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craftylovegentlemen · 7 months ago

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Deuteronomy

Chapter 7

1 When the LORD thy God shall bring thee into the land whither thou goest to possess it, and hath cast out many nations before thee, the Hittites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, seven nations greater and mightier than thou; 2 And when the LORD thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew mercy unto them: 3 Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. 4 For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the LORD be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly. 5 But thus shall ye deal with them; ye shall destroy their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven images with fire. 6 For thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God: the LORD thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth. 7 The LORD did not set his love upon you, nor choose you, because ye were more in number than any people; for ye were the fewest of all people: 8 But because the LORD loved you, and because he would keep the oath which he had sworn unto your fathers, hath the LORD brought you out with a mighty hand, and redeemed you out of the house of bondmen, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt. 9 Know therefore that the LORD thy God, he is God, the faithful God, which keepeth covenant and mercy with them that love him and keep his commandments to a thousand generations; 10 And repayeth them that hate him to their face, to destroy them: he will not be slack to him that hateth him, he will repay him to his face.

11 Thou shalt therefore keep the commandments, and the statutes, and the judgments, which I command thee this day, to do them. 12 Wherefore it shall come to pass, if ye hearken to these judgments, and keep, and do them, that the LORD thy God shall keep unto thee the covenant and the mercy which he sware unto thy fathers: 13 And he will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee. 14 Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle. 15 And the LORD will take away from thee all sickness, and will put none of the evil diseases of Egypt, which thou knowest, upon thee; but will lay them upon all them that hate thee. 16 And thou shalt consume all the people which the LORD thy God shall deliver thee; thine eye shall have no pity upon them: neither shalt thou serve their gods; for that will be a snare unto thee. 17 If thou shalt say in thine heart, These nations are more than I; how can I dispossess them? 18 Thou shalt not be afraid of them: but shalt well remember what the LORD thy God did unto Pharaoh, and unto all Egypt; 19 The great temptations which thine eyes saw, and the signs, and the wonders, and the mighty hand, and the stretched out arm, whereby the LORD thy God brought thee out: so shall the LORD thy God do unto all the people of whom thou art afraid. 20 Moreover the LORD thy God will send the hornet among them, until they that are left, and hide themselves from thee, be destroyed. 21 Thou shalt not be affrighted at them: for the LORD thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible. 22 And the LORD thy God will put out those nations before thee by little and little: thou mayest not consume them at once, lest the beasts of the field increase upon thee. 23 But the LORD thy God shall deliver them unto thee, and shall destroy them with a mighty destruction, until they be destroyed. 24 And he shall deliver their kings into thine hand, and thou shalt destroy their name from under heaven: there shall no man be able to stand before thee, until thou have destroyed them. 25 The graven images of their gods shall ye burn with fire: thou shalt not desire the silver or gold that is on them, nor take it unto thee, lest thou be snared therein: for it is an abomination to the LORD thy God. 26 Neither shalt thou bring an abomination into thine house, lest thou be a cursed thing like it: but thou shalt utterly detest it, and thou shalt utterly abhor it; for it is a cursed thing.

Deuteronomy 7

Diane Beauford

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lilyblackdrawside · 5 months ago

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Okay I actually have some stuff to say about Evil Plume in terms of operator design. My intention was to just make her an absolute shithead operator. Incredibly annoying to use, with mechanics that are clunky and/or "gotchas" but with numbers so stupid, that you'll feel forced to use her. But in doing so, I've given her a bunch of mechanics that I think are actually good design without intending to do so. Mechanics that I've already considered to be good design, I just didn't consider them while making her. This relates mainly to how all of her skills need assistance from other operators to reach their full potential. I'll go over her whole kit and explain my thoughts behind each part. Long post.

So let's start with her base stats. She's frail as fuck. A max level Irene has 2935 health, 766 atk and 419 def (50 def from module), which is almost three times the health of Elume. It's a joke. 1226 health and 279 def are Plume's maximum health and def. In turn I just jacked up her attack stat. 908 atk with Trust and Potential, 961 with Module X, 978 with Module Y. You don't just hang out with 1k atk as a Swordmaster. Well, unless you're Elume. I didn't mess with the other stuff.

Talent 1: Wings & Sword There's not much to say about this. The Cost Increment part just means that instead of her cost going -> x1.5 -> x2 on repeated deploys, it goes -> x3 -> x6 and her potentials have no -dp on them (she has -redeploy time in those spots) so her cost goes 23, 69, 99. At full development, she goes down to 16s redeploy time.

Talent 2: Fickle I hate the design of this talent. A low-odds crit with an incredibly high damage multiplier is already no good, but then she just bypasses it anyway where relevant. I've also made it a point to word both halves of this talent terribly. Both of these wordings exist on crits that operators have and neither are intuitive. The first half triples her actual attack stat on crit, the second half has her attack deal 160% damage. "when not dealing physical damage" is also awful wording, though it doesn't exist in the game and just refers to the true damage portions of her skills. Those are guaranteed to crit.

I don't like it when they do that. This isn't even the worst version of that. Schwarz has a crit talent that she modifies with her skills all the way since release, but there are some upcoming operators who have crits that enable relevant mechanics of their kits, but instead of having to rely on random chance, their relevant skills just guarantee it. Usually operators who rely on a debuff to make their kits work, have it on their skills, not passively. Imagine if Ho'olheyak had a passive 15% chance to levitate enemies and her S1 and S3 made it 100%. Or Kjera with Freeze and Erato with Sleep.

Elume's basic crit is kinda shit too. The 200% is bait, it's on average a 21% damage increase that doesn't positively scale with outside buffs. The True Damage crit is a proper 60% damage boost of course. Physical damage does prefer having single high hits over many small ones, but relying on a 7% crit chance just isn't it. Unless you're Conviction. It's funny when they do it.

Skill 1: Triple Strike This one's pretty obvious. Offensive Recovery, Auto activation, holds 3 charges, rewards you for successive uses. Good joke, well done. Here have some backpats. She needs SP support for this one. Be it something simple as having Ch'en on field for passive charge or a more complicated Warfarin setup while keeping enemies away from her until she's ready. The "funny" part is that this skill doesn't have a multiplier cap. If you set her down at the start of the map and delicately keep having her use this skill, she will gain a higher multiplier each time. This one is pretty much just a joke, but my incidental "needs support to work properly" theme is already coming through here. At base it's a 2sp skill that deals 495% damage, so even without any multipliers it's like fine. Just saying that sounds outrageous, cause that a higher-powered S1 than Irene's at a lower cost and that's its worst performance, but this is the world we'll be living in.

Skill 2: Backstab She hits the target 8 times with weaker slashes, then 1 time with a stronger one that debilitates the target and then with 9 more weaker slashes. The skill costs 300 sp and has 300 initial sp at M3. I could've made it an on-deploy skill instead, but that wouldn't be as funny and would also be worse. This way she can hang out on field and stab people before committing. Naturally you have to redeploy her for this to work properly. As I've stated, she goes down to 16s cooldown and her cost is 23/69/99, so you better have some Vanguards to support this kind of extravagant lifestyle. This alone already makes me like the skill, but then it has another property that requires support. The total damage of this skill is 3308% atk with Module X (which is the one you'll be using it with)coming of her monstrous attack stat, but it has the highest hit-count of any of the "big nuke swordmaster" skills, so it falls off hard on higher defense. Each of the weaker slashes will deal 1660 damage, which is a lot but you know how it is. But Elume has a solution to that! Bring her together with a Ritualist and the the last 10 slashes are True damage! Bring her with a Ritualist and Pramanix and the whole thing is! Nothing can go wrong with a ~32k damage true damage full aoe (it's full aoe by the way) nuke on a 16s cooldown. Exaggerated numbers aside, I genuinely do think that powerful operators should require some kind of synergy to bring out their full potential through some sort of condition(s) on their skills. It's not even like this isn't already a thing that we have ingame, just look at Diamante. Half of his S2 doesn't work if he's alone. They did it with him cause he's not powerful, so it's fine if he's clunky. No Primal Caster will ever be a worldbreaker meta unit because you can't just throw them at the enemy by themself and watch them solve every problem by the nature of their design. (cynicism) Elume brings two debuffs by herself for the latter half of this skill, so getting most of the true damage is easy enough, but for full power she also needs DP support and another debuffer. The range is backwards by the way. I felt like that was obvious from how I depicted the layout, but it's not called Backstab for nothing. That's the gotcha. You have to point her away from which side of the map you want her to annihilate.

Skill 3: Simple Beat There's not much to say about this skill, it's pretty straightforward. What probably doesn't come through in its description is that execution-wise, she strikes each ring of range after the other, from inside to outside. This one isn't so much a single-target nuke as it is a map nuke. The catch is that the range is awkward, with its gaps and she can't hit enemies she's attacking with it, but in turn the range is incredibly wide. Grounding is a debuff that knocks flying enemies to the ground and inflicts Slow on them for its duration. Think of it as the opposite of Levitate. Levitated targets will also be slammed down, think of it like Chongyue's S2. This is her most self-sufficient skill, but even this one benefits from other people supporting her through the extra Grounding damage, which can be forced by levitating enemies. This skill will be pretty fun to plan around with, as Elume can use it to assist far-away allies if you plan your positioning well. This one works with either module. Honestly, her Module Y just isn't that good, simply by the nature of the Swordmaster X one having the far superiour base effect always.

Speaking of Modules:

Nothing to say about X in particular, but both modules have their stat gains backloaded because that's just terrible design. That's all. There's no trick here, it's just bad.

Module Y is the better one for S1 if you like to gamble crits, otherwise X is still superiour even there. It does have some merit for S2 though, if you can believe it. Pushing the True Crit damage from 160% to 177% is just higher than the x1.1 damage from X's base effect and the slightly higher attack boost comes out as giving it more damage. Of course you're losing out on the reduced redeploy time (41s instead of 16s), but if you don't want to commit to her atrocious DP game, you can use this and support only her True Damage conditions instead. For the most part you just want Module X though. Like I said, hard to make Y attractive.

I had some fun with the unlock trials for both modules though:

Module X wants you to clear 5 battles where you deploy Elume at least 6 times each to prepare you for that Every Standardbearer lifestyle and the other trial on that one is to clear Main Theme 9-19 with Elume defeating every enemy. No finesse behind this one, just a stupid trial to clear.

Module Y does have some finesse though! The second trial is to clear DV-S-2 while not letting Dorothy defeat any enemies. This is a 0 cost stage with a bunch of operators predeployed, Dorothy included, so you can't retreat her and she's also not going to get killed. You just have to be mean and KS her the entire stage. It's very in the spirit of Elume. The first trial is to clear a total of 7 battles where you deploy Elume and have her defeat at least 7 enemies each time. Elume must be a Support Unit.

I didn't list her base skills in the artwork cause I ran out of space. It's another one of those that give a huge boost to S3 mastery, but hers isn't a measly +100% total, she gets 110% total! The downside skill is that she gets +1 Morale drain, just like all of these, and the Trainee suffers +5 Morale drain. 0 Morale operators can be trained just fine, but they'll give you the "Someone's tired" notification on the Base. At +5 it'll take just under 5 hours to completely drain them, so if you've Irene'd the S3 mastery, you'll only have to deal with it for roughly 55 minutes.

And that's that. I don't know why I did this. "Evil Plume" just popped into my head one day, I sketched her, had a bit of a laugh, kept rolling her around in my head, made a kit for her, fully drew her, wrote an entire profile and voice lines for her (which hurt my soul because I based them on Plume's but twisted and corrupted them) and now there's a complete Evil Plume.

Oh well.

225 - Evil Plume

#arknights #long post

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angelicamerlinbarnes · 3 years ago

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Okay but like I feel like Diego is the kind of person to flirt with really bad pick-up lines and Klaus is just Not Having It

featuring: Diego being a flustered Mama's boy and Klaus being a disaster dumbass and the two of them being completely in love with each other anyway

DISCLAIMER: None of the pick-up lines are mine, but the responses and ensuing shenanigans are :)

(there's fifty of these so buckle up kids :) sorry not sorry <3)

seriously though some of these are really bad

#1: He A Snack

Diego: Baby, you belong in the vending machine because you’re a snack.

Klaus: Diego you know I’m claustrophobic.

Diego: Don’t you mean Klaus-trophobic??? *finger guns*

Klaus: *blinks*

Klaus: I want a divorce.

#2: I’m From Hell

Diego: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Klaus: I’m a veteran addict and abuse victim who can see ghosts, Diego.

Klaus: Everything hurts.

#3: Animal Puns

Diego: *points to TV screen playing the Discovery Channel* Hey Klaus.

Diego: You’re my otter half.

Klaus: Diego those are meerkats.

#4: Stars

Diego: The stars are beautiful tonight.

Klaus: Yup.

Diego: You know who else is beautiful?

Klaus: Ben.

#5: Get Out Your Handcuffs Mister

Diego: You’re under arrest… for stealing my heart.

Klaus: Diego you got kicked out of the police academy like five years ago, just give up.

#6: Bad Boys

Diego: *leaning against the doorframe like a moron* So. I hear you like bad boys.

Klaus: Diego you cried because you accidentally stepped on a bee last week.

Diego: Well yeah but -

Klaus: You held a funeral for it. You made us all speak. You had Allison fly in from California. It was a fucking bee, Diego.

Diego: … I wear leather?

Klaus: So does every other kid who shops at Hot Topic. You’re not special.

#7: Prince Charming

Diego: Your knight in shining armor is here -

Klaus: One, that’s a turtleneck, not armor.

Klaus: Two, you’re covered in blood. That’s the opposite of shiny.

Klaus: Three, you smell like dead fish. Go take a shower.

#8: Chemistry

Diego: Did we have a class together? Because I could’ve sworn we had -

Klaus: Chemistry? Yup. Also English and math and foreign languages and history and like every other fucking thing because we grew up in the same sadistic boarding school, Diego.

#9: The Store Can’t Just Give Away Things For Free. That’s A Terrible Way To Run A Business.

Diego: I like your pants.

Klaus: Thanks. I got them out of a dumpster. And yes, you can have them 100% off.

Diego: *voice cracks* Really?

Klaus: No.

#10: Boyfriend Material

Diego: My jeans are made of -

Klaus: You’re wearing leather pants Diego.

Diego: Okay but -

Klaus: So they’re made of leather and they’re not fucking jeans.

#11: Digits

Diego: I lost my phone number. Can I have -

Klaus: None of us have phones, Diego.

Diego: I can… buy us some?

Klaus: Fine. I want my number to be 1-420-420-4201.

Diego: Baby no.

Klaus: *pulling out the puppy dog eyes* Pwetty pwease?

Diego: Fine, but mine’s gonna be 1-696-969-6969.

Klaus: I love you so much. Marry me. Have my babies.

#12: Love At First Sight

Diego: Do you believe in love at first sight or -

Klaus: If I did I’d have already fallen in love with a lot of hot ghosts.

Diego: - should I walk by again?

Klaus: You’ve been pacing for the past ten minutes, Gogo. I think if it was gonna happen it would’ve by now.

#13: You Have Fine Written All Over You

Diego: Are you a parking ticket? Cause -

Klaus: Diego I can’t drive.

#14: His Eyes Are Green Not Blue You Dipshit

Diego: Your eyes are an ocean, and I’m lost at sea.

Klaus: ... can’t you, like, hold your breath forever?

Diego: *blinks* Baby, I love you, but you’re ruining this with our childhood trauma.

Klaus: Well since you’ve refused therapy I just thought this was the next best option.

Diego: I take back what I said about loving you.

#15: Math Is Dumb And I Wish School Would Stop Teaching It

Diego: Are you a forty-five degree angle?

Klaus: Actually, because humans have non-linear body shapes, it’s impossible for their specific angles to be measured -

Diego: Are you high or have you been defiling Five’s books again?

Klaus: *blinks* Why can’t it be both?

Diego: *rethinking life decisions*

#16: Baby I’m All Yours

Diego: Do you have a name?

Klaus: Klaus.

Diego: Or can I call you mine?

Klaus: I mean I prefer “baby”, but sure.

Diego: *super wide eyes* Really?

Klaus: *melts into a puddle of glitter* Yeah, Gogo.

#17: (Not) Bookworms

Diego: Thank god I brought my library card. Cause I’m here to check you out.

Klaus: *through a mouthful of waffles* God isn’t real. We all die and rot beneath the earth to be eaten by maggots. There is no such thing as a higher power.

Klaus: *swallows waffles and takes a really loud slurp of an orange juice and chocolate milk combo*

Klaus: Oh, and the library’s closed for renovations til, like, Christmas so you’re outta luck, sorry.

Diego: I thought you met god? Little girl on a bicycle?

Klaus: Her? Nah, only Satan’s got that much sass. Plus, that wasn’t heaven.

Diego: And you know this how?

Klaus: *squishes Diego’s face with both hands* Think about it. Do you really think dear ol’ dad’s in heaven?

Diego: Can you let of my face please?

#18: Bad Move, Buddy

Diego: Are you a pre-historic fossil? Cause you’re my missing link.

Klaus:

Klaus: Did you just call me old?

Diego, backing out of the room slowly: What? No! No of course not! No, obviously no, absolutely not -

Klaus: *releases savage war cry*

Diego: *runs for his goddamn life*

#19: I Rate This 0/10

Diego: Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re the only -

Klaus: I don’t know where I’m from. I’m an orphan.

Diego: Oh… I know, baby -

Klaus: And the piece of shit that adopted me lived in New York anyway. We’re in New York right now actually. Do you need a geography lesson? I think Pogo’s got a map -

Diego: Klaus.

#20: Oh Shit

Diego: If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?

Klaus:

Klaus: *tears up* I’m nothing?

Diego: Oh no. No no no. No, baby, you’re not nothing, don’t cry, I’m so sorry, that’s not what I meant, baby - oh my god please don’t cry -

#21: You’ve Got Everything I’m Searching For

Diego: Is your name Google? Because -

Klaus: Diego. For the last time…

Klaus: My name is Kimberly Linda Aerealia Ulysses Saffron Hargreeves the Twenty-Fourth. I don’t know why I need to keep explaining this to you -

Diego, kissing him quiet: You’re my favorite person in the world, you know that?

#22: Don’t Make Bets You’ll Lose, Luther.

Diego: Luther bet me a hundred bucks I couldn’t talk to the prettiest person here. How do you wanna spend his money?

Klaus: Drugs.

Diego: Baby -

Klaus: *beams* Nah, I’m just kidding. Stuffed giraffes.

Diego: *grins* For Five?

Klaus: *nods* For Five.

Diego:

Klaus:

Diego: He’ll hate them.

Klaus: Exactly. Let’s go.

#23: Deja Vu

Diego: Have we met before?

Klaus: Yes. Obviously. Are you also high?

Diego: No -

Diego: Wait, you’re high?

Klaus:

Diego:

Klaus:

Diego:

Klaus: No?

#24: Such An Optimist

Diego: Are you a time traveller?

Klaus: No, that’s Five.

Diego: Cause I think you’re my future!

Klaus: *stares blankly*

Diego: No? Nothing? Nada?

Klaus: In the future we’re all dead dipshit.

Klaus: Because. Ya know.

Klaus: THERE’S A FUCKING APOCALYPSE COMING.

Diego:

Diego: Okay then.

#25: Please Go To The Hospital.

Diego: Are you my appendix? Cause my stomach’s fluttering and I think I should take you out.

Klaus:

Klaus: Did you drink water from the fish tank again?

Diego: *turning green* Luther dared me to okay???!!!!

#26: Suicidal Tendencies

Diego: Hey gorgeous -

Klaus: Let me guess. I should drop dead?

Diego: What?! No! Baby -

#27: Infinitely On The Naughty List (And Not The Good Kind Of Naughty List (If There Is One I’m Asexual I Don’t Know))

Diego: Are you Santa Klaus? Cause you make all my wishes come true.

Klaus:

Klaus: You have five seconds to run.

Diego: *already two streets away* Fucking shit -

#28: You Can’t Use That Every Time We Have An Argument, Tony.

Diego: Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist right?

Klaus: I mean, there’s one in the corner of our living room right now, so I guess?

Diego:

Diego: *squeaks* You - you can see dinosaur ghosts?

Klaus: I mean, there’s a chance that thing Ben’s petting is just a super deformed ostrich, but yeah, I think so.

Diego:

Diego: *tearing up* That’s so cool.

#29: A Whole New Kind Of Thirst Trap

Diego: I’m thirsty. But guess whose body is 75% water?

Diego: *smirks*

Klaus: *frowns*

Klaus: Hold on, I know this one…

Diego: Klaus -

Klaus: *snaps fingers* Oh, I know! Luther!

Diego: *horrified* What the fuck Klaus why the fuck would you say that -

#30: What A Tragedy

Diego: You must be a campfire. Because you’re super hot and I want s’more.

Klaus:

Klaus: Diego sweetheart, you’re allergic to marshmallows.

Diego: *tearing up* I know.

Klaus: You wanna hug, baby?

Diego: *crying* Yes please.

#31: That Can’t Be Allowed

Diego: Don’t tell me if you want me to take you out to dinner. Just smile for yes, or do a backflip/somersault/counter-spin gymnastics combination for no.

Klaus: *smirks*

Klaus: *does a triple flip and lands perfectly on the top of the bar counter*

Diego: *turns bright red* That was h-h-hot.

Klaus: *beams and jumps down into Diego’s arms bridal-style*

Klaus: *kisses his cheek* I know, baby.

#32: Merry Christmas

Diego: You’re the reason Santa started the Naughty List.

Klaus: *blinks*

Klaus: *pouts*

Klaus: No fair! He told me last week I was on the Nice List!

Diego: What? Klaus? What does that -

Diego: OH MY GOD KLAUS IS SANTA DEAD???!!!!

#33: I’ll Keep You Safe, Honey.

Diego: I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me instead?

Klaus: *pulls out a stuffed tiger*

Klaus: He got lost in the kitchen. Don’t worry, I rescued him for you.

Diego: *takes soft tiger*

Diego: *voice cracks* Oh. Thanks.

Klaus: *kisses his forehead* You’re welcome, baby.

#34: Excuse Me?

Diego: The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name.

Klaus, internally: Shit. What if he finds out I stole like five of his knives and all of the cookies last week?

Klaus, externally: *blinks*

Klaus: Um… Stefonopolis?

#35: I Am Not Apologizing For This One

Diego: If you were a steak, you’d be well done.

Klaus: But I’m so unique…

Klaus: I talk to the dead, Diego.

Diego: Okay…?

Klaus: *smirks*

Klaus: So wouldn’t I be medium rare?

Ben: Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

#36: Leonardo Da Vinci Was Arrested Multiple Times For Homosexual Activity.

Diego: Is this a museum? Cause you’re a work of art.

Klaus: *dancing to the soundtrack of High School Musical 3* Actually Five took me back to Italy once. Leonardo da Vinci and I had some fun.

Diego:

Diego: Oh my god. Seriously?

Diego: *looks up picture of Mona Lisa, now titled Mona Klausa*

Diego: How the fuck -

#37: Why Would You Say That Though

Diego: Am I sleepwalking? Cause I’ve only seen you in my dreams.

Klaus: *sitting on the counter and eating a donut in one bite* Are they dirty?

Luther: *chokes on a pickle*

Diego: Oh my god no -

Diego: Well sometimes -

Diego: I mean no of course not -

Luther: *praying to whoever’s up there to just kill him already*

#38: Be Safe Kids!

Diego: Can you hold this for me?

Klaus: Sweetie, you need to wash your hands.

#39: Apocalypse Averted!

Diego: If looks could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.

Klaus: *blinks*

Klaus: I thought that was Vanya.

Diego:

Diego, panicking: Holy shit Klaus you can’t just say things like that -

Vanya: *crying from laughter*

#40: Attractive

Diego: Do you swallow magnets? Because you’re -

Klaus: *shoves him up against the wall*

Klaus: How did you find out? Who told you? Was it Ben? I swear to god I’ll kill him -

Diego: *squeaks* What?

#41: First You’ve Gotta Propose Diego

Diego: Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?

Klaus: Diego. Did you buy me a cake?

Diego:

Klaus:

Diego:

Klaus: I’m waiting.

Diego: Right sir yes sir right away sir -

#42: He May Not Be A Kitten But He Is As Soft As One

Diego: If I followed you home, would you keep me?

Klaus: I’m homeless, Diego.

Diego: What? You are? Oh no, baby - you can come stay with me?

Klaus: *looks up from Disney Princess coloring book and raises an eyebrow* Is your bed available?

Diego, blushing: Ye-yeah, b-ba-baby. Whe-whenever you-u w-want.

Klaus: *smiles*

Klaus: *takes Diego’s hand*

Klaus: Okay.

Diego: *dies a little bit inside (in a good way)*

#43: It’s Just You.

Diego: Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Klaus, blushing: I -

Five: DIEGO. THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE. NOW IS NOT THE TIME.

#44: ‘Scuse Me, Mate?

Diego: You know, penguins mate for life. Wanna be my penguin?

Klaus: Eh. I’ve always been more of an iguana man.

Diego:

Diego: What?

#45: You Look Like… Antonio Banderas With The Long Hair.

Diego: How’s the most beautiful person in the world doing today?

Klaus: *buried in a Vogue magazine* I don’t know I’m not Antonio Banderas.

#46: What The Fuck Klaus

Diego: Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.

Klaus: *hands him a Candyland board* Here. I stole it from Pogo.

#47: You Dumbass

Diego: I hate my last name. Can I borrow yours?

Klaus:

Klaus: We have the same last name, Diego.

Diego: *blinks*

Diego: Fuck you’re right -

#48: Okay But Diego Would Make A Great Aladdin Though

Diego: I’m not a genie, but I can still make your dreams come true.

Klaus: *wrinkles his nose*

Klaus: You can get me a pink elephant with jaundice?

Diego: *blinks*

Diego: What the fuck Klaus -

#49: HELLO

Diego: Is that a knife or are you just happy to see me?

Klaus: I don’t just have random knives on me Diego, I’m not you.

Diego: So you are happy to see me?

Klaus: I mean you just interrupted a very riveting episode of Sesame Street, so… we’ll see.

#50: It’s Always Best To Start With The Truth.

Diego: I love you.

Klaus: *beams* That’s all you had to say, darling.

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ofpineapplesanddawns · 2 years ago

Note

Hmm how about situation 23 and number 20 for the dialouge with the Vardy AU!

Prompt 23: Miserable/in a bad mood

Number 20: “Don’t tell me what to do.”

Vardy's having a bad day

On with the fic!

Everything is too loud and too bright and just... too much, and Hardy hated every second of it. He had his lights off in his office, the blinds closed, but he was still too aware of everything.

He should go home, that would be wise. Just... cover himself up with a blanket in a dark, cold room, and sleep. Maybe get up and get himself a cup of hot blood, but that means getting up. And actually getting blood, which he didn't have on him.

Hardy knew he was being an idiot today, he really should have noticed he wasn't feeling great, but of course not, he's stubborn and hates giving into his vampire tendencies. But now he regrets it so very, very much.

There's a knock at the door and Hardy groaned. "Go. Away." He said, and even his own voice was too much.

"Boss," Uhg, Miller, "can you unlock the door?"

"Don't tell me what to do." He said and heard her scoff at that.

"Don't be a shithead, let me in. Someone's here to see you."

"Tell 'em to fuck off." Hardy dropped his head on his folded arms, trying to block out the door.

"That seems rather mean to say to your boyfriend."

This caught Hardy's attention. Lucian was here? Oh... he hoped Miller hadn't called him. Still, he got up, rubbing at his head, then opened the door just a crack. Miller was standing there, with Lucian behind her, he was smiling a little.

"Come in." He said, stepping aside and letting Lucian in. Miller didn't follow, since she must have just pestered to get him to open the door for the lycan.

"I heard you were feeling terrible." Lucian commented and Hardy groaned, moving close to Lucian to hide his face in his shoulder. "I figured I could be of some help to you."

"If it's not a thermos of blood, I dunno what you'd be able to do."

"Well... it's not a thermos, but I do have some hot, fresh blood that could be of help."

Hardy turned his head a little. "Are you offering?"

"Will it help heal you faster? You sound like you feel like shit."

"I do feel like shit." Hardy groaned. "And... yeah."

Lucian chuckled and pushed him back a bit so he could undo the buttons of his shirt. "And the door's locked, no one will see you getting a drink."

"Mmmm..." Hardy nodded, feeling his fangs growing. "I could also go for a nap."

"Are you busy right now?"

"No, not really, it's a really slow day." Hardy shrugged. "And Miller can take care of any nonsense."

Lucian nodded and pulled him close. "A little blood and a nap should do you good, then you can go back to causing trouble for your employees."

"Good." Hardy said, his mouth pressed close to Lucian's neck. "They need to remember who is in charge." And then he bit him.

#the vardy au #lucian x alec hardy #john's drabbles #good omens extended universe

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megatraven · 2 years ago

Note

RE: Number asks--4, 7, 8, 9, 10, 13, 14, 15, 16, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 28, 30, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, and 44. (Apologies in advance for the interview dump--and feel free to ask any back to me that you want! XD)

sorry this took a bit! my computer's been crap the last couple of days and answering this on mobile was a no-go :^) (if i already answers some, then i didn't re-answer them here!)

i am putting this under a readmore cause it's a little long, and there is a potentially triggering answer (with TWs on it)

4:Do you drink? - sometimes! not very often tbh, and when i do it's USUALLY just one drink tops

8:Want any tattoos? - YES!! the best tattoo idea i've ever had and desperately want is a tattoo of a grape on my finger tip so that when my fingers prune it becomes a raisin :))

but also i want this symbol tattood on in honor of alex <3:

but also also.... i want a bunch more too :) i want to get a cool sleeve tattoo that travels over my back and down the other arm

10:Want any piercings? - not really, i'm not big on wearing jewelry and the piercings i do have are empty for most of the year

14:Biggest turn offs - physical intimacy that isn't initiated by me. mansplainers. i dont really knwo what else to put here bc i don't necessarily even get turned on LMAO

16:I’ll love you if - this is a hard one because i already love everybody, i love all my little friends and followers here on tumblr dot com

18:Most traumatic experience - (TW: suicidal thoughts (not mine), knives) once when I was younger, i was home with just my older brother and my mom. out of nowhere my mom starts yelling and crying and me and my brother rush over to her and she's so obviously in pain and she's yelling about how her head feels like it wants to explode. (found out later she was having a really terrible migraine). my brother was trying to calm her down and we were trying to figure out what to do. i remember her saying, very clearly, that she wanted to take a knife and stick it through her ears to get the pain to stop. that she wanted to die because it hurt so bad. my brother kept an eye on her while he called our neighbors to come help. i went and took all of our steak knives and hid them. just in case we couldn't stop her. i was just a kid. i didn't know what else to do. but after so many years, that situation has stuck in my head, and it makes me extremely afraid of other people in pain. my mom's had a lot of health issues over the years and there have been times that she's in intense pain and i've always just froze up. and i would try to prepare myself to hold her down if i had to, like my brother was prepared to do back then. and sometimes i would wonder if i need to hide the knives again. (it never got so bad again, though, thankfully)

20:What I hate most about myself - i have a tendency to self-isolate when i'm feeling down or anxious and that only makes me feel WORSE and i hate it so much. im working on getting thru that tho

22:What I want to be when I get older - an artist and writer :) BUT!! also would be very interested in being an anthropologist still, too

24:My relationship with my parent(s) - strained a lot of the time, but it does a lot better when we're not living under the same roof. i love my parents, but they have a lot of room to improve, and i don't think they will. they love me, too, and they've helped me out a lot when shit has fallen apart, which i'm endlessly thankful for. but i don't know if they would love all of me if i came out which strains the relationship on my side which frustrates them and it's just. woof. we have stuff to work through lol but i'm not ready yet.

26:My biggest pet peeves - self deprecation as a form of humor, and refusing to take care of your body's basic needs even with a reminder to do so. neither one is funny or cute or quirky. it's annoying as shit. when my friends do it i want to throttle them (with love)

28:A description of the person I dislike the most - genuinely cannot think of a person i dislike the most

30:What I hate the most about work/school - i am taken advantage of because i'm a good worker and im a doormat so they just keep getting away with it >:(

32:What words upset me the most - when other people call me stupid or dumb or otherwise imply i'm not smart. when people try to control and box me in re: my sexuality as if they have any authority on that.

34:What I find attractive in women - everything :)

36:Where I would like to live - denver colorado! or really any place with mountains that gets relatively cold

38:My childhood career choice - volcanologist! (still kinda want that tbh) and firefighter, like my dad.

40:Who I wish I could be - i'm pretty happy being myself tbh

42:The last thing I ate - strawberry toaster strudels for breakfast

44:A random fact about anything - the plural of the word "beef" is "beeves"

#long post #personal

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hotchley · 4 years ago

Text

strawberry cheesecake

BAM! IT’S HERE!!! BEFORE MIDNIGHT AS WELL!! It was 23:14 when I hit publish on ao3 and I really do need to go to sleep, but it’s here, with some level of accuracy because I googled what happened when someone has an allergic reaction.

Finally, I, the pioneer of Aaron Hotchner’s strawberry allergy, has written the fic where he eats strawberry cheesecake at an FBI function and has a reaction. It got unexpectedly dark, but we’re going with it.

As usual, I have not proofread it, and I kinda need you to suspend all belief about how the FBI works/is run because the function kinda doesn’t make much sense and yeah... you’ll see what I mean when you read... I’m really hoping this doesn’t suck because you guys actually looked forward to it??

Trigger/Content Warnings; food, referenced child death (most recent case), alcohol consumption, anaphylactic shock/allergic reactions, child abuse, hospitals and I think that’s everything

Word Count: 7669 (it got really out of hand...)

read on ao3!

If there was one thing David Rossi hated more than local press giving unsubs ridiculous names because they believed it would make a good headline, it would be FBI functions. And not just any type of FBI function. The FBI function where the Behavioural Analysis Unit- which nobody had believed in- would be mentioned so frequently that it felt like they were on a case.

It was just his luck that one was being held on the same day that he was supposed to be going to the ballet with one of the lovely women that worked in the White-Collar unit. Because despite the rumours that went flying around about him and his dating habits, he was not going to take advantage of his position and make rookies or anyone else uncomfortable. The woman he was supposed to be meeting had approached him and asked if he’d liked to go.

Hotchner had been watching him, looking slightly scandalised as she had placed her hand on his tie, and so Rossi had said yes. He’d even leant in slightly and asked if she would have a problem with him giving her a kiss on the cheek. When she said that she wouldn't, and would actually quite like that, he did and Hotchner had fallen off his chair.

Rossi had smirked, the lady had laughed and Hotchner had hit his head trying to get back up, gone an even brighter red and made something up about dropping his pen and needing to grab it. Rossi’s date had snickered, whilst Rossi had just raised an eyebrow.

Hotchner had excused himself to the bathroom.

As he ran out of their area, closely followed by Anya- she’d slipped Rossi a piece of paper with her name and number, Erin Strauss had walked in, holding two envelopes.

Rossi didn’t need to be a profiler to know what was in there.

“No,” was the first thing he said.

“David,” Strauss warned.

“Erin,” he mocked.

Strauss sighed. “Look, I know you hate these things, but the entire bureau is founded on politics and people-pleasing. If you come to this, then there may be less questions about what exactly it is you do all day, apart from ogling the other agents.”

“I do not ogle. And I guess it’s too much to hope that the other invitation is for Anya, isn’t it?”

Strauss nodded. “It’s for Aaron. Do try and get him to come, it’ll give us all something pleasant to look at whilst we slowly die inside.”

Dave stared at her.

She rolled her eyes. “Look, I’m not saying that I want to ruin his marriage or sleep with him, I’m just saying he’s objectively attractive. And I don’t know why you look so surprised, Jason told me about the women that flirt with him. And that you started calling him pretty boy, which hasn’t exactly gone unnoticed.”

“Right.”

“Just make an effort to actually attend. And please get Agent Hotchner there too,” she said.

Dave just nodded.

Aaron had returned from the bathroom.

“Agent Hotchner. I hope Dave hasn’t been making you feel too awkward with all of his comments,” she said. It was clear that she was just trying to see whether any had been made.

Aaron’s cheeks flushed again. “Not at all ma’am,” he said, holding the door open for her. She nodded and left, but not before turning to Dave one last time as she gave him an extremely pointed glare. He made a face at her, which caused her to laugh.

When Hotch had sat back down again, Dave finally acknowledged him.

“That trip to the bathroom seemed rather urgent,” he joked.

“I- well, so,” Hotch stuttered.

Dave shook his head. “It’s fine. And it doesn’t look like that date will be happening anyways, so it’s not a big deal.”

“Wait why won’t it be happening? You both seemed… excited at the prospect of going.”

In response, Dave threw the second envelope at his head. Aaron’s reflexes weren’t fast enough, so it just bounced off and landed on the floor. As he bent down to pick it up, Dave began to understand why Erin and the other agents thought of him as being something pleasant to look at. As in, Aaron had pretty eyes. And his hair was constantly falling in his face, which was endearing.

“That envelope is why it won’t be happening.”

Aaron stared at him and then opened it. “Oh.” He seemed even less enthusiastic than Dave did about attending.

“I thought you would have been thrilled at the thought of going. It’ll be like all those balls you went to when you were just a young boy growing up in the good old South Virginia," Dave said. He knew he was toeing the line.

Aaron's silence about his childhood revealed more than his words ever could.

"First of all, I didn't attend balls when I was a young boy. The only dance I ever went to was my prom, and that was only because Haley basically forced me to go. And South Virginia isn't that good, that's just a stereotype that people have because people live in fancy houses with white picket fences," Aaron snapped. It was uncharacteristically sharp.

"Sorry," Dave said. And he meant it.

Aaron's eyes widened. "Sir, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have lashed out at you. You've not done anything wrong. I just-"

"It's okay. Do you want to talk about it? There's no pressure, it's just if you wanted to. That seemed like quite an extreme reaction to something so trivial." Why was he so bad at this? He could charm any woman he wanted, yet the moment he tried to speak to Hotchner about anything other than work and Haley, he sounded like an idiot.

"I left prosecution because it was always more about politics than actually helping people get justice for the terrible things that had happened to them. And now it just feels like nothing has changed and time that could be spent stopping someone from destroying lives is just going to go on people-pleasing," Aaron confessed. He wouldn't meet Dave's eyes.

Dave wanted to pull him in for a hug, but he knew it would most likely not be well received. He also knew that wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't his place to push. Aaron felt things, more deeply than the rest of them, but he would never admit to anyone that there were certain cases that got under his skin.

Like the one they had just finished. A child wasn't going to be coming home, but the look on the mother's face when they informed her was not one of sorrow. It was one of relief. Aaron had asked to stay behind to speak to her for just one more moment. And when he returned, there was an anger written in the clench of his jaw that Dave had never seen before.

Jason had told everyone to give the kid space. Against his gut instinct, Dave had listened to him. Which he now very much regretted.

"Kid. We all have limits. Nobody can spend every hour of every day hunting down these guys. At the end of the day, we're all just human. I won't lie to you, it will be a lot of people-pleasing. However, it will also- if you let it- be a bit of fun. You're a good agent Hotchner. And an even better person. Let yourself breathe for once."

Aaron looked down. "Thanks Dave."

Dave just shrugged. It was only when Aaron left the room again did he let himself groan. Now he was going to have to pretend to enjoy himself at the function or else Hotchner would just be upset because of his ruined date.

Depending on how you looked at it, the members of the BAU were either lucky or unlucky when no cases turned up the morning of the event. Dave had been watching the fax machine intently, and Max had been looking through a suspicious number of case files the entire day. But in the end, there was nothing.

Which was how Dave found himself standing around, sipping a glass of champagne he thought tasted horrible, talking to strangers he couldn't care less about and silent seething at Hotch. He wasn't there yet, despite phoning Dave to say he would be there in half an hour about forty five minutes ago.

The only reason he'd bothered to attend and not faked some form of emergency that would let him go on his date with Anya was because he wanted Hotch to have someone to keep him company and make him laugh as he suffered through conversations about being an ex-prosecutor and the change to the FBI.

He was looking round for a waiter so he could take yet another glass when Aaron appeared in the doorway, fiddling with his cuff links. His cheeks were slightly flushed and his hair was more ruffled than usual. As he entered, awkwardly greeting people and tripping over his own feet, Dave rolled his eyes.

How the kid had managed to pass all of his assessments and be the best shot in the entire building was still completely beyond him.

"Hi," Aaron greeted, a dopey grin on his face.

"It's lovely of you to join us," Dave remarked. He just couldn't help it. When Aaron's face fell slightly, he regretted it. He kept forgetting that Aaron took the things people said a bit too literally sometimes. Especially if it came from someone he looked up to.

"I'm sorry about your date being ruined," Hotch said. He was looking around at all the other people in their perfectly tailored suits and beautiful dresses. It made him- with his slightly too big shirt and undone bow tie- look even younger than he already was.

"Well barring any disasters, this should be over in time for me to make it. Anya said she could wait."

There was a slight silence, broken only by Dave rejecting what would have been his third glass of champagne and Aaron quickly accepting it. And then it became too much for him to bear.

"Kid, why is your tie undone?"

Hotch's eyes widened like he had only just realised. Rossi wouldn't have been surprised if that was true. For someone that was a profiler, he was quite oblivious sometimes. Not realising that if you took your vest off and then someone shot at you, you would suffer more than a few bruises, forgetting that his shirt collar wouldn't cover his entire neck, the list went on.

But this was something entirely different. Aaron Hotchner's tie was never undone.

Rossi raised an eyebrow when an entire minute passed without him explaining himself and the colour rose to his cheeks.

"Well, it took me a really long time to do it the first time and then Haley came into our room to grab her bag. And then she really likes it when I get all dressed up because I normally hate doing it- I mean I always hate it- so then she, you know and then I thought I had tied it properly but clearly I hadn't."

Rossi had never heard so many words spoken in a single breath. He did however, understand what the kid was trying to say. "Well at least one of us got to have some fun tonight," he joked.

"Is that why everyone's been staring at me?" Hotch asked, turning his back to Strauss. The woman simply raised an eyebrow, then raised her glass of champagne at Rossi, who glared at her, just because he could.

"Yes," he lied, because he was not about to be the one that explained to him that people were staring at him because he had been deemed the eye candy of the Quantico and therefore, everyone loved him.

"You're lying to me. I can tell! What's the truth?"

Not for the first time, Dave wondered what he'd been thinking when he saw the lead agent in Seattle run after a suspect without any sort of back-up, slip in poison ivy and then carry on running, even though everyone else had realised it wasn't the killer they were after and decided that he would make them into a profiler.

"Are you sure you want to know?" he said, making his voice as serious as he could in a vain attempt to make him change his mind.

"Yes. Because it's nowhere near as bad or as serious as you're making it out to be."

Damn him.

"Fine. But I did warn you. It's because you are- objectively- attractive. And apparently, your slightly repressed accent makes everyone swoon. Also Strauss thinks you have a nice ass," Dave said, completely nonchalant.

Hotch's cheeks went brighter than ever before and he spun round, searching for Erin. She had rather coincidentally turned her back to the two of them as she engaged in a very serious conversation with another Section Chief.

"I- I don't even want to know how you know that," Aaron muttered, stuffing his hands into his trouser pockets, looking like a petulant child.

"Oh I thought you would love it! You're basically a Southern Belle."

Dave was lucky he was immune to the Hotchner Glare as it came out in full force. "Don't call me a Southern Belle. Do you even know what that is?"

Dave shrugged. "I'm sure I could guess. Look, I'm sorry, I'm just being bitter. Come here."

Aaron regarded him suspiciously. "Why?"

If it had been anyone else, Dave would have told them it was a surprise. Or that they wouldn't know until they stepped forward. But Aaron wasn't anyone else, and Dave needed to remember that. There were certain things he just couldn't say.

"We're going to be here for a while. You can't just stand there with your bow tie undone."

Aaron narrowed his eyes, but stepped forward. When Dave reached forward and grabbed the ends, he tensed. To anyone else, it was too minute a gesture to be noticed. But Dave had spent more time reading people than he had with his second wife. He knew why Aaron was tensing. It was why he took as little time as possible tying it neatly, even though he wanted to take forever.

So that the other agents wouldn't be staring and making him self conscious. That was his only reason. It had nothing to do with the attachment he could feel himself forming, and it most definitely was not linked to his desire to help Aaron associate touch with love and comfort.

When he stepped away, Aaron seemed to relax slightly. "Thank you," he said, ever the gentleman.

Dave just shrugged. "You look better with it done properly. Speaking of, where is Haley?"

"What does Haley have to do with me looking better with my tie done properly?"

"Your tie wasn't done properly because of Haley. Come on Hotch, I thought you were meant to be an ex-prosecutor. And we both know the two of you are inseparable."

Hotch flushed, the way he always did when someone mentioned just how in love with Haley he was. Dave found it adorable, even though he hated himself for that. But he knew how important Haley must have been to Aaron's survival, so even though he wasn't her biggest fan, he begrudgingly respected her.

"She's out with her sister," he mumbled. "They made plans ages ago and they've been so excited for it that I couldn't ask her to cancel just to keep me company."

"That's kind of you. Most men probably wouldn't let their spouse just leave them when there's an event like this going on," Dave said.

"If you want to go on your date I'll cover for you when Strauss comes calling," Aaron said, rather suddenly.

Rossi frowned at him. Aaron had seemed excited at the thought of spending the evening together when he first arrived and for him to suddenly seem so willing to spend it apart, just so Dave could go on a date with someone who he was sure was lovely but he couldn't envision a future with, was more than a little unusual.

"Like I said, barring any disasters, I should be able to make it. Are you annoyed at me for bringing up Haley? I know that we had a bit of a rocky start when we first met, but I do respect her. And I like to think she appreciates the fact that I keep you alive."

"I'm not annoyed at you for bringing up Haley," Hotch said, huffing slightly. He was fiddling with his cufflinks. Dave wanted to comment on his behaviour, but did not want to be reminded of the no-profiling rule- which Hotch himself had implemented.

"Well you're annoyed at me for something and I would appreciate you telling me, instead of just bottling it up until we're on a case and something else happens."

"Dave, I am fine," Hotch snapped, tone mitigating his words.

"I'm sure you are," Rossi snapped back, turning away. Strauss was frowning at the two of them and he rolled his eyes. Screw etiquette, and screw the people that thought they were being unprofessional and causing a scene.

They were, but he wasn't going to admit it.

"Do you really think I would forbid my wife to do something as harmless as going out with her sister the same night that I have to attend quite possibly the most boring function known to man?" Hotch suddenly asked, tone laced with malice.

"Of course not Hotshot. I was joking," he said, softening his tone as the problem clicked.

"I wouldn't. I'm not her keeper. And I'm not-" he caught himself, shaking his head. "I just wouldn't."

"I know. I'm sorry, it was wrong of me to joke that like that," Dave said, catching Erin's eye. She nodded, clearly pleased that he had resolved something without resorting to violence or shouting.

He didn't acknowledge her. He wasn't an idiot, and he knew that resorting to violence or even raising his voice would lead to some sort of shut down from Aaron. And he did want the kid to enjoy himself, even though he did agree that playing politics whilst people were dying was stupid.

"The decoration is nice," Aaron commented, a few minutes later.

"It is, isn't it? It reminds me of this opera house I took Carolyn to, for one of our anniversaries. Actually, that opera house seems like the sort of place Haley would enjoy going to. I'll give you the name, you can surprise her," Dave said, deciding he would take the win and prod later.

Aaron choked on his champagne, colour rising to his cheeks when he realised people were watching him cough. He cleared his throat once more before turning to Dave, making absolutely no attempt to hide his shit-eating grin.

"What?" Dave said, hating himself for taking the bait.

"I have to tell Haley that you think she's the kind of person that would go and enjoy herself at an opera house."

"Is she not?"

"Dave, for our last anniversary, I took her to the local theatre because they were putting on Pirates of Penzance because that's what got us together. And the year before that, we both thought it was a week later than what it was, so her sister ended up taking us out."

Maybe Dave wasn't as good a profiler as he thought he was, because in his mind, he had a very specific image of Haley, and none of what had just been said fit with that image. He supposed that was what he got for making assumptions, having never actually met her in person.

"Oh, that's certainly interesting," Dave said.

"She's a very interesting woman," Hotch said, smiling so wide it physically hurt Rossi to see because he knew how the BAU burnt out love, and the strain it put on marriages. Hell, he had lived through it.

"Hold onto her Aaron," he said, without thinking.

Aaron frowned. "Of course I will. Dave, you've been acting weird the whole time we've been here. Are you okay?"

In all honesty, he wasn't. He always said he wasn't like Jason. He had no interest in being a mentor, or finding the next generation of profilers. That was never what he wanted. But there was something about Aaron, and his too large suits and his floppy hair that made him feel things he wasn't ready to confront.

But if he said any of that, Aaron would probably run for the hills. Hell, he probably would too.

"Of course I am. Now loosen up and enjoy yourself. I can tell you want to," he said, smiling when Aaron's eyes sparkled.

"What do you think Strauss would do if I told her I know what she thinks about my butt?" he asked, the smirk on his face far too mischevious for anyone's comfort.

"You can find out now," Dave said, nodding as Strauss approached them.

"Dave. Aaron, you look very handsome," Erin said, looking him up and down once.

Whatever had possessed Aaron just a few moments before had clearly vanished, as his cheeks flushed and he awkwardly stuttered out something that nobody, not even the person speaking, understood.

"Thank you… Ma'am. You look very nice too," he eventually managed to say, sipping his champagne to distract from his failure at speaking.

"Is there something you need?" Dave said.

"No, just making sure you weren't too bitter about your date being cancelled. And also making sure that Agent Hotchner would save both of us a dance after dinner. I'm sure everyone from Quantico wants to know whether or not our Southern Belle can dance," Erin said.

Hotch downed the rest of his glass. "I'm not- it doesn't work like- I don't- I really don't think- fine. One dance. But that is it, and none of you are allowed to laugh if I mess up, because I'm not the dancer. Haley is."

Haley seemed to be a lot of things that Aaron wasn't. Maybe it was part of the reason they were so well-matched.

Erin nodded, smiled at them both, then went to mingle with different people.

"See, everyone thinks you're a Southern Belle!" Dave said, smirking.

"But why? I've done everything I can to repress my accent, and I have done since the day I started law school," Aaron said. He did not whine, because grown men that worked for the FBI do not whine. But if they did, his sentence would have definitely sounded like whining.

"I know, and most days, it's only the slightest thing. I don't really know how everyone worked it out, but they did. And that's fine!"

Hotch pouted.

"Look, if you really don't want to dance, you could always land yourself in the hospital with some kind of injury. I could take you, sneak off to my date, Haley would affectionately roll her eyes and then give you all the kisses you want…" Rossi said, smirking.

"No it's fine. I'm not going to fake an injury, that would be so embarrassing," Hotch replied.

"Then stop pouting, you look like a child. And go mingle with someone else, if you spend the entire time before dinner with me, what will people say?"

Hotch snorted, then schooled his face into a look of neutrality, before nodding and going off to speak to one of the other higher-ups. Rossi noticed, rather fondly, that it was the one person that actually cared about the people involved in their cases, as opposed to just the politics and the prestige.

About five minutes later, he realised he missed the kid. And then he started to panic. Because he didn't get attached to people. Especially not new agents that had too much hope and faith. Not new agents that were that nice. He didn't. He couldn't.

Him and Aaron ended up seated next to each other at the banquet table, because there genuinely was no other way to describe it. It was long, and grand, and every platter was filled to the brim with food of so many different types. Dave honestly could not remember what the function was actually for, but a part of him was tempted to comment that if part of the budget for these events went to the BAU then they'd probably be able to properly fund the unit.

He refrained, if only because Aaron looked so excited at the prospect of finally eating something. Dave had learnt long ago that you had to eat before you came to these events because people loved talking and more often than not, you'd drink the champagne just to get through their conversations, but clearly Aaron hadn't quite learnt that lesson yet.

"So where is that wife of yours?" Max asked, seemingly out of the blue.

Hotch tensed. "Out with her sister. Why?"

"I've only seen you smile like you are now when Haley is around, but I don't see her anywhere," he said, in that annoyingly patronising tone of his.

Hotch relaxed, but flushed. "I-oh. Yeah. She's out with Jessica because they had made plans a while back and they don't really see each other as much anymore because Haley's busy teaching and doing the school production, and Jessica's getting her Masters so," he trailed off.

"I think it's lovely, how much you love Haley," Erin added.

Dave snorted into his glass, not at the fact that Aaron looked so uncomfortable but at the fact that these people hunted down serial killers and criminals for a living, and yet the thing they got the most joy from was teasing a kid about his marriage.

"Right, that's enough being mean to the newbie. What about dessert?" Dave said.

Aaron flashed him a grateful smile. He just shook his head. He remembered when he’d turned up to his first event, Carolyn in awe of all the decorations and outfits, and everyone else had been ruthless with their teasing. He wasn’t about to let Hotch suffer that same fate. He’d probably faint with embarrassment.

Erin laughed at the two of them, and Jason smiled at Dave’s defensiveness over his new protege. One day. One day Jason would get Dave to admit that the way he felt towards Aaron was nothing short of paternal. Max just rolled his eyes, but the waiters came to clear their plates before he could make another biting comment.

Aaron excused himself to the bathroom, and then the dessert was brought out. Dave, being the saint he was, switched his and Aaron’s plates because he wasn’t getting younger and he knew he was meant to be cutting down on his sugar. So if Aaron had the bigger slice, then it would do them both a favour. And it had a whole strawberry to decorate it, not just the jam.

Erin was giving him one of his looks when their eyes met and he resisted the urge to stick his tongue out. He knew what that look meant. It meant Erin had an opinion on whatever he had just done, and it was one he wouldn’t like or approve of.

“Look, it’s strawberry cheesecake!” Dave exclaimed, poking his fork in Aaron’s direction in an attempt to distract from Erin’s gaze.

The smile that had been plastered across Aaron’s face since they’d been sat down- and Dave really didn’t want to think that it was as a result of Erin’s comment about his butt, although it was the only thing that made sense- faded, and the colour seemed to drain from his face.

“What is it? Come on, you must love dessert, you’re the kid,” Dave said, slightly teasing.

Aaron opened his mouth, seemingly contemplating saying something that he thought would ruin the entire evening, but then he closed it and gave Dave a forced, tight-lipped smile. He almost pushed, but they had been having fun, so he just grinned back and urged Hotch to eat it.

If anyone noticed him wince as he swallowed each bite, or the fear that flickered in his eyes when he ate the strawberry, they didn’t comment. For that, he was grateful. He still had no idea what he was meant to do when the inevitable happened, but so long as nobody realised, he had time to work it out. All he needed was time.

He did really miss Haley though. If Haley had been there, she would have said something on his behalf because she would have known there was no way he would do it himself. It was too late to turn back now though. There was a tiny part of him that secretly hoped he’d outgrown it, but the moment he felt stomach cramps forming, he knew that was wishful thinking. Still, if he was lucky, nothing too serious would happen until he got home. Haley would panic, take him to the hospital and everything would be fine. Nobody else would have to know.

Or so he thought.

He’d gotten so good at not eating strawberries that he had completely forgotten just how badly, and quickly, the effects would hit him. He had forgotten just how allergic he was to the fruit. And he was aware of how stupid that sounded, but it was just one of those things.

Dave was staring. So was Erin. He cleared his throat, awkwardly looking down. When the waiters came out once more to clear the plates away, he smiled at them, hoping his cheeks didn’t seem flushed, or his palms too clammy.

“You promised me a dance,” Dave said, nudging his elbow.

“I did, didn’t I?” Aaron responded, hoping his voice didn’t sound too strained. When he stood up, his vision went slightly fuzzy and unfocused, and he found himself grabbing the table in order to stay upright.

He was going to be fine. All he had to do was make it through another few hours, and there was always a delay between his vision blurring and breathing becoming difficult, so with just a bit of luck, he could still do it.

Luck had never really been on his side.

Erin was standing, talking to Dave, and he couldn’t remember what he was meant to be doing, or why nobody was dancing. Maybe they had just been teasing him when they said he owed them both a dance. Or maybe they were waiting for him to do something. Either way, the confusion wasn’t helping him function.

“Kid, what’s happened to your hand?” Dave said suddenly. It reminded him of that time his cousin had eaten shellfish, but that didn’t make sense. There was no way Aaron had hit adulthood without realising he was allergic to the things they’d eaten.

Aaron stared at him.

Erin grabbed his wrist, the look that crossed her face one of fear and panic. “Aaron.”

It couldn’t be. There was no way the ugly red rash forming on his hand as they watched him was being caused by an allergic reaction. It just couldn’t, because Hotchner may have been stupid and irresponsible, but there was no way he was that irresponsible.

He cleared his throat.

“Now would be a terrible time to tell you that I’m allergic to strawberries, wouldn’t it?” he rapsed.

Dave’s jaw dropped. “You’re what?”

Aaron Hotchner’s timing had never been good. It had actually always been abysmal. He was born early, in both senses of the word, met the girl he would end up marrying on the last day before a three month holiday which she would spend out of the state, and was generally just not smooth with the way he did things.

So as if on cue, he fell to the ground, completely losing consciousness. Clearly the delay between his vision growing blurry and his breathing becoming shallow was not the large space of time he thought it would be.

“Aaron!” Dave yelled.

Erin dropped to her knees by her side. “Dave, phone for an ambulance. Now.”

Dave blinked a few times, then realised what she was asking him to do and ran out the room to find the phone. When he was patched through, he realised he had no idea if what Aaron was experiencing was just a reaction, or anaphylactic shock, but he just explained himself as best he could, only relaxing when they said it was likely everything would be fine and they would be there soon.

He re-entered the room only two minutes later, and Aaron was still in the recovery position.

“The idiot doesn’t have an EpiPen on him. I don’t know why, but he doesn’t, so now we literally have to wait until the ambulance gets here and hope for the best,” Erin said, some strange mix of angry and terrified.

“He doesn’t have his- what kind of- why not?” Dave said.

When he looked around the room, he realised it was suddenly startlingly empty. It was just Erin, him, Aaron- who still hadn’t come around- and Jason. Max was suspiciously absent. He figured that was for the best. If anyone would make the situation more awkward than it already was, it’d be Max.

“He managed to get everyone to go downstairs, then said he would stay with them. We figured the less people around when he woke up, the less embarrassed Hotchner would be,” Jason explained. “And on that note, I’ll go explain to the paramedics what happened,” he added, as sirens filled the air.

“Dave, when did our lives suddenly become co-parenting this mess of an adult if only so he gets home safe to Haley?” Erin suddenly asked.

“We don’t co-parent him. No. We just… look after him the way we would do with any other new agent that was his age,” Dave said, although he wasn’t even convincing himself. Erin didn’t respond, just looked at him with that glint in her eye.

He didn’t get the chance to carry on with his argument because Jason entered with the paramedics, and him and Erin moved away. It seemed like they had already been informed that Aaron didn’t have an EpiPen on him, because the first thing they did was inject him. There was one terrifying moment, in which Erin grabbed his wrist, where Dave thought they were too late, but they weren’t.

Aaron opened his eyes, obviously disoriented and immediately after lifting his head, let it hit the floor again. He seemed far too pale, but nothing gave the impression that he was going to be sick, so Dave relaxed. When he and Erin were finally able to go over, Aaron was almost done answering their questions, some of the colour returning to his face in the form of flushed cheeks.

If he was capable of embarrassment, then everything was going to be fine.

“We’re going to need to take him to the hospital for observation and to make sure he doesn’t have a secondary reaction, but one of you is welcome to come. In fact, it would be preferred, wouldn’t it Aaron?” one of the paramedics said.

Aaron nodded, not quite meeting anyone’s eyes.

“Dave, you should go. Aaron, I don’t want to see you in the office until you’ve been cleared both by the doctors and by Haley to return. Do you understand me?” Erin chastised, sound every bit the mother Aaron had never had.

He nodded miserably, closing his eyes, and for a few moments, Dave felt terrible for him because so many pieces seemed to be falling into place now. And then he remembered that the whole thing had been caused by Aaron not saying he was allergic. He still felt terrible, but he also wondered what the hell he was meant to say to Haley.

“Come on kiddo,” he said as gently as he could, helping Aaron to his feet and into the elevator.

When he was safely sat in the ambulance, and they were well on their way to the hospital, he raised an eyebrow at Aaron who pulled a face.

“Don’t,” he protested weakly.

“So you’re allergic to strawberries,” Dave said. “How long have you been sitting on that piece of information for?”

“I’ve known since I was four and ended up in the hospital after I went strawberry picking with my mother and ate one of them.”

“Aaron, nobody was going to be offended. You could have just said something, it would have been okay. Really, you can’t judge someone just because they have an allergy, and everyone would have just moved on. You didn’t need to eat it.”

Aaron swallowed. “When I was eight, my father bought strawberry tarts for my mother and I, because he knew she had friends round and he wanted to seem like a dutiful husband. He didn’t- she’d kept the first time a secret from him because he’d been out of town. And when she tried to tell him, he said I was being difficult, then he made me eat it whilst she told her friends everything was fine. I only survived because she snuck in with my EpiPen.”

“Oh kid,” Dave said, chilled to the bone.

He shook his head. “I knew, realistically, that nobody would say anything, but I just couldn’t shake the memory of being told that if I was going to waste food, then I didn’t deserve it.”

“Aaron, that’s not-”

“I know that. Now at least. Thanks for not reacting weirdly. Or thinking less of me.”

“Agent Hotchner- are you still esquire, oh it doesn’t matter, esquire- nothing would ever make me think less of you. Especially not this. It wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault, and I know it’s easy for me to see, but I need you to know that.”

Aaron gave him a slight smile, eyes watering. “Thank you Dave.”

“I do have one question though. Where the fuck was your EpiPen?”

He made a sound, one that Dave was not going to dignify by actually naming in his head.

“That didn’t sound like an answer young man,” he teased.

Aaron sighed. “It- okay. My blazer pockets weren’t big enough to fit it, and I figured strawberries isn’t exactly a common thing, so it would be fine if I left it in the car, but then I didn’t want to say anything, and then I passed out before I could- oh.”

“What?”

“Did everyone see me collapse?”

Dave considered lying, but Aaron had bared his soul to him. He owed him this small piece of honesty. “Yes, but they also witnessed me running like a headless chicken to get to the phone and Erin completely freaking out, so it’s all okay. I promise.”

Aaron nodded, not fully convinced. “Thank you. For caring.”

And one day, Dave would teach him that caring was what people did for each other. That it wasn’t something he had to earn, or something that would be snatched away at the smallest transgression. He would teach him that the love he had always deserved but never been shown was going to come from more than just Haley. It was going to come from every single good person he knew.

But in that moment, he just leant over and ruffled his hair. And maybe the gesture was paternal, but he could live with that.

“Mrs Hotchner’s been waiting for you all to arrive,” the receptionist said the moment they came through the doors. Aaron relaxed at the mention of his wife.

“You can send her in as soon as we go in. He’s been treated, we’re just keeping him for observation,” the paramedic said. The receptionist nodded and turned to one of their colleagues, who immediately got up.

Dave hung around as they got him situated, wondering when would be an appropriate time to leave. He didn’t want to step on Haley’s toes, or make her feel like she wasn’t trusted, but he also didn’t really want to leave either of them. Not if the real timeline matched the one he’d created in his head. She would have just been a child too, but children always believed that they needed to save everyone and anything less was a failure. He didn’t know how to say that their job was to be a child, and it was on the adults to keep them safe without patronising the two of them.

So he sat instead, keeping Aaron company until he was no longer needed.

Haley came rushing in the moment she was allowed to, her eyes slightly red. They must have told her how severe the situation was, and Dave felt guilty for making her panic so much, when Aaron was doing much better already.

“Baby, they told me what happened. How are you feeling? Is your heartbeat erratic? Is there anything you need?” she asked, not even acknowledging Dave. He wasn’t offended though. The love Haley had for her husband was the most fierce thing he’d witnessed, and now he understood. She’d spent her entire life defending him and the love she had for him.

He shook his head, then grinned at her. “Kiss me?” he asked, and for a moment, he was just a normal man, so in love with his wife it physically hurt to witness.

“I shouldn’t- me and Jess had strawberry margaritas before we got the phone call. She’s coming round tomorrow to check on you herself by the way,” Haley said, brushing his hair off his head with a smile.

Aaron nodded. “I’d expect nothing less. Oh Haley, this is Dave. And Dave, this is Haley.”

“It’s lovely to meet you,” Dave said.

“You too. So, what happened? Because you told me it was just a function, and then when I got home, there was a message from the hospital that you were being brought in for anaphylactic shock which doesn’t make any sense because you don’t eat strawberries anymore!” Haley said.

Aaron had the decency to look away. “I didn’t want to cause a scene so I ate this slice of strawberry cheesecake. And I thought it would be fine- well not fine, don’t look at me like that. I thought I’d be able to last till I got home. I’m sorry.”

“Baby, I’m not angry, don’t worry,” Haley said, taking his hand. “Just do what the doctors say, okay? And please don’t eat strawberries anymore just to be polite.”

“I’m afraid I may have made it worse,” Dave confessed, needing them to know, even though it had not been intentional, by any stretch of the imagination.

“What do you mean? How?” Haley asked. Aaron lifted his arm enough to signal that he had the same question.

“I switched our plates when they got given to us so Aaron had the bigger slice. It also had a whole strawberry on it, instead of just half a slice. Maybe if I hadn’t done that, his reaction would have been less severe. I’m sorry.”

Haley, in spite of, or maybe because of that single comment, started laughing. Aaron just watched her laugh with a smile on his face like he had never seen something so beautiful, and he probably never had. Dave watched them, confusion across his features.

“I’m sorry. It’s not funny. It’s just- Dave you have nothing to apologise for. He was always going to have a reaction. And given that he didn’t even have his EpiPen-”

“It was in the car,” Aaron said, not quite whining but definitely getting close.

“Didn’t have his EpiPen,” Haley said, like Aaron hadn’t even spoken, “it was probably always going to end like this. I’m just laughing because you sound like such a parent. Like switching slices is something my dad did for me and Jess when we were little. It’s cute.”

Aaron looked to Dave, fearful and hopeful all at once.

“What can I say? Erin and I need to make sure someone keeps an eye on him,” he said. There were a lot of things in his life he wasn’t proud of. There were lots of mistakes he had made. But this? Being considered Aaron’s parent? It would never be one of them.

Aaron smiled at him, the light in his eyes returning. Haley nodded her approval. When the nurse came in a few minutes later to check Aaron’s vitals, the silence felt comfortable and natural, as though they had already become attuned to the others’ needs.

“Are you two going to be okay?” Dave asked. Someone needed to tell Erin that he was okay, and he really wanted to go to bed. He realised that he hadn’t even considered trying to salvage his date with Anya. He supposed they could always reschedule. Besides, Aaron was more important now.

Haley nodded. “Yeah, I’ll drive us home, make sure he takes a bath and have him back and safe with you on Monday, don’t worry.”

Dave stood up and started heading towards the door. “Oh don’t worry too much about rushing back to us. I’m sure we’ll survive. His cute butt will be missed, but we’ll make it through.”

Haley snorted. “Aaron didn’t I say that there was no way people hadn’t noticed?”

Aaron did not reply, but he did glare at both of them.

Dave smiled. Just before he left, he hesitated for a moment, wondering whether or not it was the time and the place. But he just couldn’t resist. “So are there any other allergies we need to be aware of? Shellfish, pollen, nuts? Pretty ladies that want you to call them back?”

“Dave!” Aaron said, and this time it was definitely a whine.

He just smiled, leaving Aaron and Haley in the hospital room. Had it been a normal event? No. But he wouldn’t trade the night for anything in the world. After all, he had just found a whole new family. And he couldn’t wait for Haley to meet Erin. The two of them would definitely cause Hotcher a whole new level of embarrassment.

It was going to be the messiest and most random family to exist, but a family nonetheless.

#criminal minds #criminal minds fic #aaron hotchner #david rossi #haley hotchner #erin strauss #hotch x haley #tw child abuse #tw alcohol #tw anaphylaxis #tw allergies #tw child death #tw hospitals #guys i finally did it #tw food #sumayyah writes cm

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docholligay · 4 years ago

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Please rant/rave (well, we already know which one it will be here) about Harry Potter!

GEE I HOPE THIS WAS WORTH WAITING FOR

OH MY GOD. The level of hatred I have for Harry Fucking Goddamn Potter, the culture around Harry Fucking Potter, extending its poisonous tentacles even to the concept of young adult fiction, fantasy, and the United Kingdom as a country and people.

When you being on this, you may think, “Oh, Doc will explain that Harry Potter sucks because JKR hates trans women” and I will say, oh no, dear reader, that is a fantastic reason to hate the author, and I really suggest we all continue to hate her, and perhaps not purchase the QUEEN’S TONNES of officially licensed merchandise and movies and theme parks that give her stupid little fucking hands all that cash, but no, that is not why I hate the work. There are a number of great works done by terrible people, and the further out the lens of history gets the truer this is.

I hate Harry Potter because it fucking sucks, and mentally stifled an entire fucking generation.

“Well, Doc, Harry Potter was really there for me when--” Oh my god I could not fucking care LESS about your personal emotion connection to “orphan wizard boy turns out to be a rich aristocrat yet somehow less woke than Cinderella though” I have personally emotional connections to hot fucking garbage pails of media properties, and if someone came barreling through talking about the myriad ways in which they were horrible, I would be like, “Oh, you aren’t fucking wrong, pal”

Harry Potter gained wild ass popularity in part due to its magnificent sorting system of Smart, Brave, Evil, and Other, because there’s nothing liberals like more than being able to put everyone’s personality into an easily labeled box, which is why astrology is so popular, or for the intellectuals, Myers-Briggs, which is just as fake but with the veneer of science. This allowed people to give into the tribalism they so desperately liked to pretend they did not possess, and also allow them to write thinkpieces about “The misunderstood Hufflepuff” or “Slytherins aren’t all bad!” or really anything that allows them to write a very real piece about their very imagined oppression for being a part of a totally fake house in a children’s book. Excellent use of your sociology degree, Kai, I thought the addition of phrases like, ‘Content of socialization” and “axes of oppression” really spoke to the struggles you face when wearing a green and silver scarf.

The other reason it became popular is that it’s essentially wallpaper paste formed into characters. I have read all of the books, and I could not tell you even remotely what Harry’s defining personality traits are other than “protagonist”. In American, at least, a large part of it was the fascination with all things British, with the idea of boarding school and prefects and uniforms that aren’t inexplicably chinos and polo shirts for nine year olds. It allowed children to project onto something so bland that it could be anything. And for children, THAT’S FINE. There is a great deal of bland media made for children, but what I’m speaking to is the fandom, which is largely well over the age of 18.

Because if we look at the books, are they...actually good? Was it good, or did I experience it as a child? I mean, honestly, on a literary level, are they, or was it just like we all watched Friends, we did it because everyone else was doing it, because I have a distinct memory of a series that involves such greats as “magical geegaws with poorly defined rules that are quickly forgotten despite being able to solve later problems quickly” or “Everyone loves Harry or is a bad guy, or secretly loved Harry all along”

Oh, speaking of, man, if this was an actual well-written book, wouldn’t it have been wild to have Snape’s whole thing be to teach us that sometimes people do good things for the wrong reasons? Instead of naming your fucking child after the guy who ‘protected you’ because he still wanted to bone your mom? “After all this time” “Always.”

While all this could have been explained, we have Quidditch added into the mix instead because 20 pages of the goddamn Puppy Bowl is exactly what I was looking for while I was waiting for JK to move the goddamn ball on literally any of these actual magical concepts.

Harry Potter is a fucking trust fund baby, star quarterback, who grows up to be a cop and marries his high school sweetheart. (Speaking of, why were we shocked that JKR turned out to be a piece of shit when this was and always has been the conclusion of Harry Potter? Why are liberals so fucking into this series that upholds structures like it ain’t no one’s business? It’s a series that opines that those beneath us “Muggles” should be kept in the dark from us) Literally, he finds out he is a wizard and has a dragon-guarded fucking VAULT OF CASH. At 11. It’s such a series for little tyrants, you are special from birth and need do nothing to prove it, here is a letter certifying as such. Oh, not only are you rich and the greatest seeker and have excellent quips, but also your parents were not only rebels, but the best of rebels, and so deeply involved that your parents were killed by the big bad personally, again, because you are so special. His mother’s love literally saves his ass over and over again, because he was SO SPECIAL. He fought Voldemort FROM THE BEGINNING, and WON. It’s literally the most privilege baby fantasy in the world.

“But Doooooooooooc, it’s for chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiildren”

A) Yeah, and you’re 32, you’re making my fucking point about Harry Potter setting an entire generation up for intellectual failure to launch.

B) Okay, and? I can think of a bunch of kids’ books off the top of my head that in no way require specialness to be given by birth so as to roll out the red carpet for master protagonist. The Hunger Games. Watership Down. A Series of Unfortunate Events. The Chronicles of FUCKING NARNIA, about which I have only a small handful of particularly kind things to say. I’ve never read Percy Jackson, but it’s my understanding that despite his being a literal demigod, the attitudes of the supporting cast are allowed to fall between the extremes of “Appreciates Percy” and “naughty or will learn” Harry does nothing to improve himself even after knowing that he is HUNTED BY THE BIG BAD! “I won’t do this because I don’t like Snape”. So There” which, again, if this series were written with the slightest bit of care or know-how, could be a humbling fucking plot point! BUT NO THAT WOULD BE NAUGHTY.

But the real reason I hate Harry Potter so much has everything to do with the fandom surrounding it, and how it intellectually stunted a generation of adults. The promise of Harry Potter was that it was supposed to make a new generation of readers, and so the popularity of them was pushed, and so there was discussion of teaching them in schools, but I tell you fucking what, I know a whole lot more folks who grew up reading Harry Potter that never advanced beyond reading YA, or even just rereading the entire series every year and that’s pretty much them done and dusted.

In the attempt to recapture whatever it was about Harry Potter that attracted children (A lot of it was your peers doing it. I read them all as they came out, and it was literally the equivalent of watching the game so you could talk at the water cooler. That was never going to be recaptured) people, who by this time were likely in their teens, kept getting recommended stuff at the same and same level. No one ever felt pushed to read things that are challenging, to read things that have some of the concepts or themes of Harry Potter but maybe complicate. I know FAR more adults who read adult books that aren’t into Harry Potter, even if they were as children, than the reverse.

But Doc, why is reading only books meant for 14 year olds a problem??? I mean I suppose I can’t convince you that comfort is not the job of literature or of life, it is the job of an easy chair, because Americans especially are decadent as fuck about being comfy cozy all the time and if anything causes them distress or pain it should be immediately avoided. But Maybe I can convince you that you’re fucking up these books for actual ass children who deserve to have their own writing section without adults bringing their fucking asses into it. They deserve their own spaces. There’s a number of YA editors who have talked about the difficult space YA now occupies because since Potter’s blowup, it’s no longer a niche category, but basically “adult easy reads” and so they have been buying books that are more about the tastes of adult buyers than of literal 14 year olds.

Is that not...sad? To anyone else? Honestly, and this is not part of the essay because it’s a broader reaching problem, but CHILDREN’S MEDIA IS NOT FOR US. CHILDREN’S MEDIA IS NOT FOR US. CHILDREN’S MEDIA IS FOR FUCKING CHILDREN. The fucking 40-23 set really needs to get their shit together and grow up a little bit and engage in some fucking adult media, and maybe, if we support what we’re actually looking for FOR ADULTS, it will come to us. No one is saying you can’t read Harry Potter or watch some Cartoon Network show, but like, search your heart and come the fuck on. Engage in something more complex. If not for yourselves, for the kids getting shoved into simplified adult stories. It should not be about us.

ANYWAY, my larger point is that it was Harry Potter, a badly written series about a magical boy who was chosen and magic and also rich and also a favorite of the headmaster and also more clever than most adults and also spoke the same magical snake language as the big bad and was also star quarterback, but at least there was a system in which you could buy a scarf in block colors and feel like you belonged to a team.

(But not a sports team! lol handegg! I’m cool I don’t get into sports! Except Quidditch.)

#TO say nothing of the fact that I haven't been able to wear gold and burgundy together without some dumbass comment for years #despite being a favored color combination #Anonymous #Eight Days 2020 #Holligay Rants and Raves #I didn't even GET to every point I had but it's been over an hour #GOD I HATE THIS FUCKING SERIES SO MUCH #Doc do you hate me for liking it?#oh sweet thing allow me to reassure you: Yes. Absolutely.#also the prose is god-awful #I've taught teenagers with better rpose

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rbbalmung · 4 years ago

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Pokemon SwSh GPL AU: Get to know ______ P3

It’s time for THE BOYS. My biggest conclusion from putting this together is that while Raihan enjoys pushing everyone else’s buttons, Leon is the only person that can fluster the hell out of him. Please enjoy.

Get to Know: Leon x Raihan (TrueRivalShipping)

1: Who spends almost all their money on the other? Leon. He feels like the type of person whose love language is gift giving (ex. giving Hop Wooloo and Grookey, giving Gloria Scorbunny, Yamper, and Charmander, ect.). That being said, he’s terrible at getting gifts. He can tell exactly what type of Pokemon a person would want and catch it, but presents? He once got Raihan a charmander watch made for kids without even considering it wouldn’t fit him.

2: Who sleeps in the other’s lap? Leon. They’re both tall, but Lee’s the smaller of the two.

3: Who walks around the house half-naked and who yells at them to put on some clothes? Raihan would definitely strut around just to get a reaction out of Leon. Half the time his intentions are to get him into bed, but the other half? Embarrass Leon when he’s on Rotom calls with his mum (don’t worry, he wears pants for those instances).

4: Which one tells the other not to stay up all night and which one stays up all night anyway? They’re both night owls. They stay up either playing video games or watching Netflix (or whatever the pokemon equivalent to that is). They had to invest in a bigger couch due to how often they have passed out on it. (When I say bigger couch, I definitely mean a futon. They just straight up by the closest thing they can to another bed).

5: Which one tries to make food for the other but burns it all by accident and which one tells them that it’s okay and makes them both cookies? Hop inherited their mum’s cooking skills. Since Leon spent most of his young adult life as a champion who never really had time to stay at home and cook a real meal, it is up to Raihan to provide. Lee was permanently designated to cleanup duty after nearly burning the apartment down.

6: Which one reads OTP prompts and says “Oh that’s us!” and which one goes “Eh, not really”? Leon would say,” Oh, that’s us!” and Raihan would say,” Eh, not really?” just to spite him. There is a lot of teasing and playful banter in their relationship.

7: Which one constantly wears the other’s clothes? Raihan, but only because he would literally murder Leon if he borrowed one of his designer sweatshirts. There’s also the added benefit that Lee’s clothes are a lot comfier.

8: Which one spends all day running errands and which one says “You remembered [thing], right?” Leon isn’t allowed to run errands by himself because he’d get lost, so Raihan is usually the grocery-getter. Raihan will be in the checkout line and almost always get a last minute text from Leon asking for one more item. It drives Raihan bonkers.

9: Which one drives the car and which one gives them directions? Leon is the driver, and Raihan is the “direction giver” (let’s be real, he’s more focused on what song they play next than getting them to their destination). If it’s a group road trip, neither of them are allowed in the front because they’ll just end up getting everyone lost.

10: Which one does the posing while the other one draws? Ok, so I don’t really think one of them would draw the other. They’re much more of an “active, sporty couple” than an “artsy couple”. That doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened, though. During one of their dates, they decided to doodle each other on their napkins to help pass the time. They were both terrible and it got really heated when the waitress chose Leon’s drawing as “slightly less worse”.

11: If they were about to rob a museum, which one does backflips through lasers and which one is strolling behind with a bag of chips? Are you kidding? They’d both try to out-do each other. Both backflippers.

12: Which one of your OTP overdoes it on the alcohol and which one makes the other stop drinking? I feel like even though Leon has more body mass than Raihan, he’d be the lightweight of the two. Both have been in the League since they were in their late teens, but Leon’s public image had a lot more specifications than Raihan’s. That meant Raihan got to go to a lot more college parties on his nights off and build up his tolerance. Leon’s public relations manager didn’t let him even look at alcohol until he stepped down as champion. He had to “set a good example for his young fans”. (Sufficed to say, Gloria quickly got a new PR manager when she filled his role).

14: Which one keeps accidentally using the other’s last name instead of their own? Raihan learned that if he used Leon’s last name, he could get special treatment. It’s an abuse of power! Especially when they’re having dinner at the Hoffman house and Raihan casually slips in that he’s planning on taking Lee’s last name once they marry. Leon’s convinced his grandparents like Raihan better than they like him at this point.

15: Which one screams about the spider and which one brings the spider outside? Raihan, though he’ll go to an early grave before admitting that. He just doesn’t want them getting webbing on his new shoes! Yeah...that’s it.

16: Which one gives the other their jacket? Leon. It was mentioned above, but Raihan has to be in a really good mood in order to let Leon borrow his stuff. It isn’t that big of a deal, thankfully: The Hoffman boys are like personal heaters.

17: Who keeps getting threatened by the other’s overprotective older sibling? Ok, ok, ok: Raihan is slightly intimidated by Hop. He just wants the best for his big bro! If that means calling Raihan out of his shit from time to time to keep him in line, so be it. Raihan can’t fight back either, because that’s his boyfriend’s little brother! One of the only things Leon gets testy over is people bullying Hop, so Raihan has to do it when he isn’t around.

18: Who’s the first one to admit they have feelings for the other? Leon. It wasn’t one of those things where they’ve always liked each other, but after being friends for so long, their feelings blossomed into something new. Lee is a big flirt and never officially came out, so Raihan just figured he didn’t mean it whenever he complimented him. Leon literally confessed to Raihan at least five time before it sank in that he was serious.

19: How good would your OTP be at parenting? I think they’d actually be pretty good! Leon helped raise Hop and he definitely has the dad act down, so adopting children would be something he’d be super interested in. Raihan may struggle a little bit at first (especially with where the line of what he could and couldn’t post on social media was), but he has a big heart. They would always be there for their kids. If Gloria and Hop are the cool parents, Leon and Raihan are the embarrassing ones. Would tease their kid lovingly.

20: Which one types with perfect grammar and which one types using numbers as letters? Leon has sent a lot of professional texts because of his former position as champion, so he’d win by default. If they’re texting each other, it is all in numbers, emojis, and abbreviations. Sonia, Piers, and Nessa hate being in group chats with them.

21: Who gets attacked by a bully and who protects them? Lee is the more protective of the two, especially when it comes to people bullying Raihan online. Raihan tries to tell him that he doesn't have to do it, but he’s secretly very flattered.

22: Who makes the bad puns and who makes a pained smile every time the other makes a pun? Leon makes the worst dad jokes in the world. Sometimes he does it just to embarrass Raihan.

23: Who comes home from work to see that the other one bought a puppy? They take turns. Raihan will catch a Hakamo-o to beat Lee’s Aegislash, only for Lee to catch an Azumarill from the Isle of Armor a week later. It’s a never ending game of trying to one up the other.

24: Which one gives the other a piggyback ride when they’re tired? Leon. He’s pretty buff, so carrying Raihan around is nothing. He usually does it without asking if his boyfriend looks tired and flusters the heck out of him.

25: Which one competes in some sort of activity and which one does the overzealous cheering? Ever since Leon left he league, he makes it a priority to go to every one of Raihan’s matches. He often dons ridiculous disguises in order to not get recognised, but he always gets recognised. There is an online forum just made up of pictures of him in different, weird attire. He might’ve even been able to slip by public notice if not for the fact that he tries to make AS MUCH NOISE AS POSSIBLE to cheer his boyfriend on.

26: Who takes a selfie when the other one falls asleep on their shoulder? Is there even a possible different answer than Raihan? The man takes selfies as a living. You better believe he has 8 different folders of pictures of Leon.

27: Which one would give the other a makeover if they asked? Raihan. Leon is so close to having style, but then he’ll throw on his signature snapback and a cape and ruin everything. You know the cape isn’t even a requirement for the champion to wear? Yeah, Lee just chose to wear it. He counts it as a small victory whenever Leon decides to buy something at one of Rai’s favourite stores.

28: Which one owns a pet that the other is absolutely terrified of? Raihan tries not to get between Leon and Charizard. It’s a similar situation to the Hop one: Charizard is Lee’s baby, which means Raihan isn’t allowed to tease them.

29: Which one holds the umbrella over both of them when it rains? Raihan, but he purposely will move the umbrella out from above Leon to get him soaked. It’s payback for all the other stuff he does.

30: If your OTP went on vacation, where would they go and what would they do? Who would take the pictures? Like Gloria and Hop, I think they’d travel to all the regions. They’d have to do it on off seasons and couldn't stay long due to their duties in Galar, but they like seeing the new types of pokemon. Once again, Rai would take millions of pictures. He has a photo album per vacation, not just vacation in general.

#GPL AU #pokemon #pokemon sword and shield #pokemon au #pokemon swsh #swsh #swsh leon #pokemon leon #champion leon #swsh raihan #pokemon raihan #gym leader raihan #leon x raihan #truerivalshipping #The banter between these two would be unbeatable #half the time people aren't sure if they even like each other #best boyfriends ever

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wrienne · 3 years ago

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My Cheating Amnesic Fiancé

Chapter 4: The Accident

He didn't follow you. But you knew he had seen your tears. You attempted to wipe them away as you hurried out of the stadium. You didn't know why you were crying. You should be shouting in glee and celebrate Jungkook's betrayal. You were free.

Why then, did it hurt so much?

Se-Eun’s face immediately turned serious when she saw you, and she silenced her tired, irritated mother and Min-Ji and Yeon-Woo. Something in your expression must have warned her and the others not to speak to you, for they remained quiet the whole ride home. Se-Eun’s mother made sure to drop you off first even though the ride to Gangnam would take the longest in addition to being a detour from the stadium.

“Call you tomorrow?” Se-Eun asked after you thanked her mother. Her eyes held concern.

“Sure,” you told her as you exited the car. You found yourself sounding much harsher than you had wanted, so you added, “thank you very much for the ride.”

Her mother nodded with a face so similar to Se-Eun’s that, when you had first met her, you had thought they were far-apart sisters. She was quite young too, having become a mother at 22. “You sure you don't want to sleep at ours? I know it's school tomorrow, but Se-Eun told me your parents are in Japan and would be there until next week.”

“I'll be alright,” you said quickly. “I'm used to it.” You obviously didn't feel like hanging out at the moment. Even though Se-Eun was more tactful than most, she wouldn't be able to stop herself from asking you what had happened.

And you definitely didn't want to have a repeat of Jungkook’s not-really-yet-actual infidelity. Although, it wasn't as if you could talk about it even if you wanted to.

“See you!” Se-Eun and the others said. You could see the curiosity brimming over in her friends’ eyes.

You managed a weak smile. “Yeah.”

It was empty in your parents' apartment. A note on the refrigerator door reminded you that they were away on a combined work and vacation trip in Osaka together with Jungkook’s parents. All four of them were gone until Saturday. That meant that if you told your parents now, Jungkook's parents would also know and they would have six days to argue.

You hesitated to dial your dad. Perhaps you should tell him and your mom face to face. Although that wasn't really a valid excuse since there was something as simple as a facecam option on KakaoTalk. Still, you found yourself reluctant to make the call.

With a tired exhale, you went to rummage your cupboards for a packet of noodles. You had missed dinner due to Se-Eun’s sudden invitation and your stomach had given up growling hours ago. Also, you just felt like eating something bad.

You refused to acknowledge the reason why, though.

While you waited for the water to boil, you readied a tray with chopsticks, a spoon, some water and a tiny serving of kimchi, so you could bring the food to the living room. You were used to eating alone. When your grandparents on your father’s side had been alive, you had almost always dined with them whenever your parents were away. It was the least they could do after having grown too old to travel, thus passing on the responsibility of being the head representative of Phoenix Inc. to your father. But ever since your grandma had passed and your grandpa had become sick due to his grief before slowly slipping away five years ago, you had dealt with food yourself. You had never known your grandparents on your mother’s side, for they had passed before you were born, and none of your other relatives lived even nearby Seoul.

It didn't matter much, though. Loneliness had been your companion through life as far back as you could remember. The curse of fortune, you reckoned.

You placed the square of noodles into the steaming hot water and poured the packets of spices and dried vegetables in after. The tiny screen on the microwave said 23:31. You would hate yourself for eating that late into the night instead of sleeping, especially since you were supposed to go to school tomorrow at eight in the morning. But as you stirred everything around, watching the noodles and the vegetables soften and the clear water turn reddish, you found yourself feeling eerily awake.

You reluctantly recalled the expression on Jungkook’s face. It had almost seemed like he had wanted to add something to your conversation. Something vital. What could it have been? He wasn't stupid enough to think he could get away with a girlfriend while being engaged to another, was he? No, you didn't think so. There had to be a reason - no matter how bad or unexpected - why he decided to remain with you if now his heart belonged to her.

“Stop it,” you mumbled underneath your breath. “Get him out of your head, he's not worth spending brainpower over. Just call your parents tomorrow morning, since they’re probably sleeping now anyways. Let them handle this poor investment of their only daughter.”

Your voice sounded bitter. Your face probably looked bitter. But hey, at least you were out of a potentially devastating marriage. You didn't know what you would have done if you found out about Park Yi-Jae after the walk to the altar. Let's just say, a packet of noodles in the middle of the night would have been the least of your concerns.

You were seated in front of your TV, absentmindedly flipping through channels when you finally felt sleep creep over your eyelids and body. Your saucepan had cooled since long and your glass of water had been emptied and filled, twice. Turning the TV off, you headed toward the kitchen with your dishes when an unexpected sound pierced through the silence.

Ring, ring, ring.

It was your phone. You darted the last meters into the kitchen, having forgotten the phone on the kitchen island, and picked it up. You didn't recognize the number.

Why would someone call you in the middle of the night?

Scratch that, it was past the middle of the night, you realized as you eyed your microwave. However, there wasn't really that much time for you to think, so you, without considering the possibilities, simply answered.

“Hello?” you said hesitantly.

“Er...” a low, male voice began. “Who is this?”

“Shouldn't you know since you called?” you parried, instantly growing suspicious. The person sounded vaguely familiar, though you couldn't put your finger on who it was.

“Well, it’s the only number I haven't already called on this phone and it doesn't exactly say the proper name of a person.”

You frowned. “What?”

You suddenly heard some voices in the background near you - or rather, the speaker on the other line - and you discerned, “He actually cracked the code!” and “Who are you talking to?” until finally: “Taehyung, give me the phone.”

There was some rough scratching in your ear. Your frown deepened when another male’s voice spoke to you.

“This is Kim Sejin, one of the head managers of the Bangtan Boys.”

“Okay?” you said slowly.

“Are you related to or friends with Jeon Jungkook?”

“I wouldn't say either of those applies,” you answered, feeling cold at the mere mention of his name. “But I do know a guy with that name, who just happens to be in Bangtan.”

The voice sighed. It was a long, weary exhale, and suddenly you tensed.

Suddenly, you knew something was terribly wrong.

“There… there has been a severe accident. If you could come to Asan Medical Center as soon as possible, that would be very helpful. Do you need help getting here?”

You simply stood there, numb.

An accident?

“What kind of accident?” you heard yourself ask.

“It'll be easier to explain once you're on place,” said Sejin impatiently. “When can you get here?”

“I... I can be there in twenty if traffic is good,” you heard yourself say.

“I'll meet you at the front desk.”

The whole ride there, you were so concerned you couldn't even sit still. You hadn't even bothered calling your parents chauffeur. The cab driver gave you odd looks while you fidgeted, scratched your arm and did and undid your hair. You couldn't care less that you looked like you had taken a dose of something, and something cheap and really poorly made at that. You were too busy worrying.

What had happened? Why was Jungkook at the hospital? No matter how much you enjoyed seeing him lose his composure or fumble, you would never even consider wanting him hurt. Not even once, not even a little. It didn't matter what he had done to you - you would never ever, ever wish harm upon Jeon Jungkook. Scumbag and cheater aside, he was the son of your parents' closest friends - and one of few constants that existed in your life. Even if he was an unfriendly one.

Also, there was that one time when you were both children that you had yet to repay him for.

After paying the driver, you sprinted into the main doors of AMC. A middle-aged man in quite a good physique stood by the front desk and furrowed his brows at your abrupt entrance until recognition lighted his eyes.

“(Y/F/N)?” Creases appeared in his forehead, and he raised an eyebrow. “Was it you I was speaking with?”

“Yes,” you quickly replied. “Though don't say my name too loudly.”

There were a surprisingly low amount of visitors or patients, though considering the time of the day - or were you supposed to say night? - perhaps it wasn't that odd. Yet, considering the guy hospitalized, you had expected some kind of paparazzi.

“Pleasure meeting you finally,” the man said and reached out his hand. “If only the situation had been different, I might have actually meant it. I'm Kim Sejin.”

“Likewise, and yes, I figured. Where is the media?” you asked after shaking his hand. His hand was heavy, calloused. “Shouldn't they be here, being vultures or parasites or whatever else they call journalism?”

Sejin let out a tired chuckle before turning sober. “It happened privately, and much too sudden. We were fortunate with that, at least.”

You swallowed hard as your heart started beating faster. “Where is he? What happened?”

“Follow me, I'll tell you meanwhile.”

He began walking down the eastern corridor, which fortunately didn't say critical care. You obeyed, walking next to him while you tried not to think about what horror might have befallen Jungkook.

“I don't know why he acted the way he did,” began Sejin, then gave you a sharp glance. “But after you two had 'talked', the kid was devastated. I thought he would cheer up after some drinks in celebration of the concert. He did, too - at least for an hour or so he seemed happy. Then, all of a sudden, he decided to bolt out onto the street, shouting something about ‘making things right.'” Sejin grimaced. “He didn't see the car, or at least I don't think he did.”

“He would never commit suicide,” you told Sejin firmly, remembering a scene from years back. “He loves his singing and dancing too much for that.”

“I really hope so.”

“Believe me,” you said as you did your very best to fight back the anger rising within you at the memory. Old bruises on young skin. Alcohol and smoke-laced words. “Jungkook has been through some terrible things in order to reach where he is today. He wouldn't give it all up just like that.”

Sejin gave you an inquisitive look but you shook your head. This wasn't your story to tell.

"Besides," you added with a half-hearted smile. "He would never die for me."

“Very well.” He paused outside a room. Again, his features turned serious. “This is it. He is awake and although the tests and scans aren't completely finished, the doctor thinks he's fine. She said he could count himself lucky that he only broke his arm, even if it was his right one.”

“Well then,” you said and put your hand on the metallic door handle, feeling a wave of relief sweep over you. “Why did you sound so worried earlier then? You told me it was a severe accident.”

“There is this one detail…”

You rolled your eyes. “A scar on his pretty face won’t dissuade any of the fans’ from supporting him. In fact, it’ll probably make him look a bit tougher and even more desirable. That’s nothing to be ashamed of - on the contrary, actually.”

Kim Sejin pursed his lips before speaking. “It’s not his face that’s the issue.”

And the next few words he said would come to permanently change your life. For better or worse, you didn’t know. At least not yet.

“He is amnesic, (Y/N).”

#MCAF #wrienne #ao3 #bts fanfiction

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blouisparadise · 4 years ago

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Upon request, here is a rec list of bottom Louis fics where Louis and/or Harry use drugs during the course of the fic. If you support our rec lists and want them to continue being made, please reblog this post and spread the word. Happy reading!

1) Lips Are Like The Galaxy’s Edge | Mature | 2365 words

Harry licks over Louis’ hole slowly, deliberately, and his tongue is like velvet and Louis’ skin is burning at every junction where Harry touches him and it’s all so good he thinks he might cry. He licks a few more times, moaning softly like he’s relishing the taste of Louis and that’s just, well, fuck.

2) Can You Feel The Fever | Explicit | 5113 words

Note: This fic is a sequel to this fic.

Tour has Harry exhausted. Luckily exactly what he needs is waiting for him in his Sacramento dressing room.

3) Read You Like A Book | Explicit | 8089 words

Louis realises Harry can read his mind. He’ll do anything to make Harry admit it. Set during the North American leg of the WWA tour.

4) Put You On Repeat, Play You Everywhere I Go | Explicit | 8290 words

Harry is a college radio show host and Louis is a contemporary dancer attending said college. After a drunk hook-up, naturally a whole bunch of pining, dedicated love songs and make-out sessions on dance studio floors ensue.

5) Keep It Sweet In Your Memory | Explicit | 17039 words

'How'd it go?' Harry pushes them into Niall's room and shuts the door behind him, so Georgia doesn't overhear.

'It was good. We just caught up, mostly... I may have done something a little stupid, though.'

And Niall's eyebrows are in his hairline at that.

'I mean. Okay, so I invited Louis out on Saturday.'

'Saturday? Your--'

'Yes, my bachelor party...' and then Harry has to explain himself, 'I just felt guilty. I think. He was like. Telling me he wanted to hook up.'

'He WHAT!?'

'No. I mean, not with me. Like. He wants to go out and meet people.'

'He'll hate that. He's too much of a romantic.'

'Yeah, well. Whatever his name was messed him up a little, it would seem.'

6) Never Understood What Love Was Really Like (But I Felt It For The First Time Looking In Your Eyes) | Not Rated | 18431 words

The one where Louis meets Harry at 14 and things don’t quite go as planned.

7) Ain’t My Fault | Explicit | 18690 words

Note: This fic has mentions of BH.

AU. Liam posts an ad on the wrong section of Craigslist, Louis is pretty sure they’re gonna get murdered as a result, and Harry’s missing an avocado.

8) Kiwi | Not Rated | 24110 words

AU. Harry plays on Saturday nights at The Motley. Louis bartends on Saturday nights at The Motley.

It’s a thing.

9) Honey, Make This Easy | Explicit | 25483 words

AU; Harry’s sister recently passed away, leaving him with temporary custody of her daughter. Needing help, he hires Louis as a nanny and the boy turns out to be help in more ways than he expected.

10) Can’t Fool Me | Explicit | 30162 words

AU where Louis hates fraternities and would never be into a frat boy. And one of these things is definitely not a lie.

11) Captain Jack | Explicit | 31752 words

Note: Please take note of the tags and warnings on this fic before reading

Louis has been searching for something and Harry is there to give it to him. Drugs, sex, disappointment, and the tangled web they’ve woven that keeps them trapped in the same cycle.

12) Can I Make It Any More Obvious? | Explicit | 35560 words

AU where Louis does ballet and Harry is the epitome of everything Louis’ friends want him to stay away from.

13) Bluebird | Explicit | 39024 words

The 2,789 miles between New York and Los Angeles is a long way to go alone.

14) Another Hazy May | Mature | 41042 words

Louis is a terrible poet and Harry lives in the now and they have six weeks to fall in love but, really, it only takes six seconds. bookshop meets military meets summer romance AU ft. Marlboros, the backstreet boys, and underrated literary devices.

15) Looking Through You | Explicit | 41905 words

Just as Louis and Liam were starting out in the music industry, writing and producing for up and coming artists, a fateful meeting with new pop singer Harry Styles changes everything. Four years later, just as Harry is set to embark on his next world tour, a drunken confession causes a rift between once inseparable friends. As Harry tries to make sense of his feelings for Louis, he begins writing his next album to express them as it may be the only way to break through the walls that Louis has built between them.

16) Tangled Up In You | Explicit | 45152 words

Harry blinks once. And blinks again. And says, his voice dangerous: “Niall, did you get me a mail-order bride?”

Because what the actual fuck. It kind of looks like Niall’s just purchased a person. For Harry.

Niall blinks back at him for a few moments, before throwing his head back and howling with laughter. Harry throws a pillow at him. Hard. “No, what the fuck, Harry.”

“A prostitute then?” Harry also doesn't want a prostitute.

“Of course not!”

“A stripper?”

“No!”

Damn, he’s running out of ideas. He settles for launching another pillow at Niall’s head. Niall bats it away easily, still laughing. “Stop!”

“What did you get me, then?!” Niall must hear the tinge of hysteria in his voice, because he’s pulling himself together, trying to stop himself from laughing.

There’s still a big grin on his face, though, when he says, “I got you a professional cuddler.”

A professional…what. “What?”

17) Apples Always Fall (As I Do For You) | Mature | 54609 words | Sequel

Note: This fic is locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

Louis is staying at his Aunt's farm in a small town in Minnesota for four months. To deal with the boredom that sets in a week into his stay, he starts working at the local apple orchard, owned by twenty six year old Harry Styles.

Louis quickly finds himself falling in love with the orchard, and he finds a family in Harry's friends Niall, Liam, and Zayn.

He also starts to fall in love with Harry.

Falling in love with him turns out to be the easy part.

18) Into The Midnight Sun | Explicit | 63525 words

It’s 1983, Harry embarks on his first world tour and Louis is a budding actor in LA. Life spent apart isn’t easily adjustable, but somehow they make it work.

19) Like Real People Do | Explicit | 64175 words

Louis didn’t ask for a lot of things. He didn’t ask for his entire family to die in a car crash that may or may not have been his fault. He didn’t ask to get powers out of that accident, either, powers that eventually led him into a two-year relationship with a man who was far more than met the eye. But one night, he chose to ask for a replacement to a broken camera from someone he hadn’t spoken to in a year and a half. He did ask for that. And that kind of led to everything else.

20) Liberté | Mature | 64603 words

AU. 1647. “Pretending you don’t have a heart is not the best way to not get it broken. It’s just the easiest.”

21) Pinkies Never Lie | Explicit | 83615 words | Sequel

AU in which Louis hates his job and loves Harry, Harry just wants a distraction, everyone else wants them to get their shit together, and Louis learns the hard way that new beginnings are only possible when something ends.

22) Baby Heaven’s In Your Eyes | Explicit | 120875 words

They couldn’t be more different if they tried. Louis Tomlinson is 17 years old and in his last year of the most prestigious private school in Doncaster. If there’s one thing that completely annoys him, it’s that there is a poor community college right across the street.

Harry Styles is 19 years old, and (once again) in his last year of college. He goes to community college in Doncaster. He never shows up to classes and if he actually bothers to, he’s either high or drunk; sometimes both. His skin is littered with tattoos and if there’s one thing he absolutely hates, it’s the snobby students attending the private school right across from his.

23) Saving Symphony Hall | Mature | 124766 words

Note: This is a sequel to this fic. This fic has been locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

“I think I have an idea,” Louis said. Slowly, and reluctantly, but with a growing sense of the inevitable. “God damnit, I think I have a really good idea.”

“Oh christ, that’s the problem-solving face,” Babs said. “Last time we saw that face, he sold a company.”

“Wait, what?” Zayn asked.

“Right place, right time,” Louis said. “Also, fuck my life,”

“What?” Zayn repeated. Niall patted his hand.

“I usually just roll with whatever Louis is about to do,” he said. “It’s better for us all.”

“That’s the attitude,” said Louis, “I’ll tell you tomorrow. Tonight, I need to do some research. Zayn, give me your number. I’m gonna save our symphony.”

24) I Only Ever Want You | Explicit | 180079 words

Note: This fic is the sequel to this fic.

Louis & Harry and Liam & Zayn begin to have sex in front of each other and a lot of kink-discovery results from that.

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