#also I think the soul music quotes is about the mountain goats

[unravelingwires]

Orts

One of my recent projects has involved quote gathering. It’s based on an assignment from my creative writing class intended to make us think about turns of phrase in our free time: we were supposed to gather quotes from our everyday lives and read them aloud in class. After the class ended, I started writing quotes from the books I read on sticky notes and putting them up on my room walls.

Over Thanksgiving break, I gained six new quotes. I’m torn between two for my favorites. My first is a Brennan Lee Mulligan quote from The Wizard, The Witch, and the Wild One: “Many who have destiny curse it, but what a burden to choose any path under the sun.” My second is from Terry Pratchett’s Soul Music: “It was sad music. But it waved the sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could but you were still alive.” 

I have an old love for turns of phrase so sharp my fingers bleed. It feels a little bit like blasphemy to steal sentences from their home, rob them of their context, and dangle what’s left from the walls of my room. I can’t help it, though. The brilliance of wrapping yourself in the wisdom of the world is too good to pass up. 

[toast-with-jam38]

WATCHMEN PLAYLIST !!!!!

I love my Watchmen playlist that I wrote down every song and why it is on it😭

Why each song on my WATCHMEN playlist is on it:

Unforgettable- Nat King Cole: The ad that plays for Veidt as Dan and Laurie kiss in Chapter 7

Im Your Boogie Man- KC & The Sunshine Band: The song from the riot scene in the movie.

The Comedians- Elvis Costello & The Attractions: The title of chapter 2, Absent Friends.

The Times They Are a Changin’- Bob Dylan: Credit Scene in the movie.

Desolation Row- Bob Dylan: Title of chapter 1, At Midnight All the Agents.

All Along the Watchtower- Bob Dylan: Title of chapter 10, Two Riders Approaching.

All Along the Watchtower- Jimi Hendrix: Title of chapter 10, Two Riders Approaching. 

Sanctus (Sanities)- Music For a New Society- John Cale: Title of chapter 11, A Stronger Loving World.

Please Mr. Kennedy- Elvis Costello, Oscar Isaac, Adam Driver: Fits the era. About not wanting to go into outers space/ the space race.

Swamp- Live- Talking Heads: About War, multiple aspects fit.

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood- Elvis Costello: Elvis Costello, could be about multiple of the characters. “I'm just a soul whose intentions are good/ Oh Lord please don't let me be misunderstood” Could have multiple meanings. Rorschach’s vigilantism, and trying to clean up the city while also obviously breaking the law. Could also be about guilt over other things.

You’re My Thrill- Billie Holiday: From Chapter 7.

I’ll Be Seeing You- Billie Holiday: Just another song by Billie Holiday since Daniel loves her. I’ll be seeing you is also a song about missing a loved one, so I chose it because Dan would obviously miss Rorschach and might be reminded of that by listening to the song.

Snow Owl- The Mountain Goats: Dan is Nite Owl, and wears a snow owl costume in chapters 10 and 11. Thats it lol.

99 Luftballons- Nena: Played in the scene where Dan and Laurie get dinner in the Watchmen Movie.

Dance Music- The Mountain Goats: Reminds me of Laurie and her snow globe in chapter 9. The entire song reminds me of Daniel and Laurie.

Die Walkure, Act III: Ride of the Valkyries- Richard Wagner: From the section of under the hood after chapter 1.

Southwood Plantation Road- The Mountain Goats:

Nuts (feat. rainy bear)- Lil Peep, rainy bear: There is a really good watchmen edit to this of Dan and Laurie lol

 Yeh Yeh- They Might Be Giants: I dont really know why I just think it fits the vibe.

I Bet On Losing Dogs- Mitski: Daniel and Rorschach sadness. Rorschach is said losing dog that Daniel bets on.

Once More to See You- Mitski:Daniel and Rorschach sadness part two. Gay.

Heart To Heart- Mac DeMarco: There is a really good watchmen edit to this of Dan and Rorschach.

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle- The Smiths: Reminds me of Daniel and Rorschach. About wanting to protect someone from evilness and harm.

Kryptonite- 3 Doors Down: Besides being about DC comics, the chorus about going insane and still being there to support the person reminds me of Daniel and Rorschach after the Blaire Roche Case.

Ain’t No Sunshine- Bill Withers: The entire section of “Wonder this time where she's gone/ Wonder if she's gone to stay/ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone/ And this house just ain't no home/ Anytime she goes away” Reminds me of Daniel wondering where Rorschach is and if he is okay and if he is going to survive.

Watching The Detective- Elvis Costello: Another Elvis Costello song, also it is about detectives which reminds me of watchmen lol.

I Should Be Allowed To Think- They Might Be Giants: The priest quotes the first section of the chorus to Walter in the Before Watchmen for Nite Owl. Obviously hes quoting the poem and not the song, but the song quotes the poem so yk.

Army Dreamers- Kate Bush: Reminds me of Rorschach. It is talking about the potential everyone had before going to war just to die. Walter/ Rorschach had potential to be something greater. He was very intelligent and hard working, but due to his experiences and traumas from childhood and then soon vigilantism, he never could really be the person he should have turned out to be.

Real Men- Mitski: Reminds me of Rorschach and his judgment of everyone and most likely himself.

Little Dark Age- MGMT: There is a really good Watchmen edit to this song.

Back to the Old House- The Smiths: Could be about literally any single one of the people in watchmen besides The Comedian or Veidt, but even then you could probably twist it to fit in their favor.

This Night Has Opened My Eyes- The Smiths: Also could be about any of the Watchmen characters. The section “You kicked and cried like a bullied child/ A grown man of 25/ Oh, he said he'd cure your ills/ But he didn't and he never will” is like Rorschach (and there is a good edit to this song about him.)  The lyric “This night has opened my eyes And I will never sleep again” fits for all the characters. 

The Comedian: Him learning about Karnak and going to visit Moloch, having basically a mental breakdown.

Rorschach’s mental break over the Blaire Roche case.

Daniel and Laurie after witnessing Karnak.

Doctor Manhattan's death and rebirth in the test chamber. 

With Veidt I think this part relates to Doctor Manhattan talking to him after Karnak and making him question his choices. The talk has opened his eyes and he doesn’t know if he can live with himself after.

I Know It’s Over- The Smiths: Also just about Rorschach

Cold Island- My Singing Monsters: There is a wonderful Doctor Manhattan edit to this song.

She- Elvis Costello: Another Elvis Costello song. DanRor?? LMAO

Wake Up (It’s 1984)- Oingo Boingo: Rorschach. Him trying to preach his beliefs.

Old College Try- The Mountain Goats: This entire song is so DanRor it is so awfully wonderful.

Sun To Me- Zach Bryan: ��​​The only bad you've ever done was to see the good in me” ….. danror.

I Don’t Smoke- Mitski: Also Danror, sorry there is ALOT of songs that remind me of danror haha.

[feuilletoniste]

bad post review: hozier?

I forgot this was in my screenshots, and found it again when I was searching for the Happiest Season post for the last Bad Post Review, so here goes.

I'll be upfront: I'm not a huge Hozier fan. I think his lyrics, much like those of Florence Welch or The Mountain Goats, are spectacular and would make for great poetry; in terms of musical sound, however, he's just not my cup of tea (nor are Florence nor TMG). That said, I appreciate the contribution he's made towards normalizing* Irish folk and the influence of Black soul musicians. I wish horny teenagers on Tumblr would retire the words "yearning" and "fae," sure, but that's nothing I can't fix with a handy word blocker.

Now, with that established: what the FUCK kind of bug crawled up this person's ass?

*Using this word in its actual context, not the definition armchair therapists on the internet like to use it.

No, Hozier does not "hate" his fans. Everything I could find in terms of articles, Tweets from the man himself, interviews, etc., seems to point towards the fact that... he thinks it's swell that people like his music. That's it! It's not that deep! That said, of course he, like everyone else, wouldn't appreciate if someone said something inappropriate (and there have been a couple of recorded instances where he's shut down someone nagging him about releasing new music or asking an inappropriate personal question), but disliking publicity and paparazzi does not "hating your fanbase" make.

As I mentioned, I'm not the biggest fan either of "grown adults [...] saying 'take me to church is a lesbian swamp witch anthem a sexy lady witch possessed this man to write this'" (to quote verbatim), no. I also don't think it's a genuinely harmful phenomenon. It's a bunch of kids and young adults fantasizing about a comfortable future, with a side of the allure of monsters thrown in as garnish. It's nothing that people haven't been doing since time immemorial.

The point this person makes about the music video's being set in Russia is simply inane. Music videos aren't inherently connected to the songs themselves, and songs can absolutely be divorced from the "context" of their music videos (if they even have official videos). Yeah, it could be seen as offensive to do something like project your favorite fictional characters into the music video's setting, I guess, but simply taking the song -- which came first! -- and applying it to your daydream about living in the woods with your sexy lesbian bog witch lover isn't actually harmful in any way whatsoever.

Also, "that song had such a serious message"? Bitch, no it didn't. Even Hozier himself said that it's "essentially about sex"! It wasn't until the music video that the song even garnered mainstream attention. Hozier has said in interviews that the song was inspired by a breakup he had with a past girlfriend. You can apply a deeper meaning to the song if you want, that's totally fine. But that's not the only valid interpretation.

To top it all off, my favorite sentence fragment from this post: "all of you lily white bitches...": what fucking skin color do you think the overwhelming majority of persecuted gay men in Russia have, OP? Is it white? Is it "lily white," OP? Do you have brain worms? Are there worms in your fucking brain?

[hafanforever]

Kulning in Frozen 1, gemshorn

Today I learnt something new about Frozen 1. I was reading an interview of composer Christophe Beck here https://www.motionpictures.org/2019/12/composer-christophe-beck-on-returning-for-a-second-round-of-ice-earworms-in-frozen-ii/

And he mentioned about kulning. And I thought, I know about the Kulning in Frozen 2, which is, the Siren call that Elsa hears. But I re-read it and I realised Beck had inserted Kulning in Frozen 1! To quote, “On the first film, I did a lot of research and came away with two key elements that were part of that score. One of them was a particular type of very high-pitched singing called kulning. This is a kind of Nordic folk shepherd’s call. I found a singer here in LA who specializes in that kind of singing and it was really an important and distinctive part of that first score.”

A simple Google search informed me that the singer is Christine Hals and I found this video, which I would like to share. https://youtu.be/KIUrfb8VoU4 I believe it is in Norwegian but there are English subtitles. You can start watching from 3:50 where it is mentioned that Christophe Beck found Christine Hals. Then it proceeds to explain why she knows kulning (she actually learnt it to call goats to come home from the mountains to her father’s Norwegian farm)

But the part which really gave me chills! was 4:38 onwards where she sings a little bit of Kulning and I was electrified, thinking, where have I heard this before!!! Its from the score that plays when the fjord freezes over in F1 as Elsa runs away from Arendelle.

Christine’s kulning is also used in other parts of the score, memorably, when Elsa cradles unconscious Anna and cries “Mama Papa”, as the floor freezes.

A kind soul has collected them altogether in this playlist https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyitNrtH2VhytDs7wTt_wc5ex0lhmj-uk I claim no credit for myself.

It’s amazing how I’ve heard the soundtrack of F1 for 6 years and didn’t realise there was this voice in there. 

In the same interview, Beck humorously laments how he couldn’t use kulning in his F2 score even though he was the one who introduced it into the universe of Frozen! I quote: “The good news is that a really cool musical element that I introduced in the first score became a driving part of the plot and a really important story point! The bad news for me personally was that I wasn’t really able to use it in the score. Because it was being used so much as part of the story, we didn’t want to have any confusion. When you’re watching the sequel, when you hear this voice, we wanted to make sure that the audience knew that was a voice that Elsa could also hear. If I started to use it willy-nilly in the score as well, that would muddy the waters and make the story a little bit less clear.”

Lastly, I want to share that I have finally, FINALLY, found the name of the woodwind instrument that depicts the earth giants! It is mentioned in this interview and it is called the Gemshorn. 

[queer-starling]

Flower ask: also all of them. you get to suffer with me >:3€

oh darlin’ we’re in it now huh

Alisons: Sexuality?

homogay

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

she/they | all gender will be shot on sight

Amaryllis: Birthday?

sept 23rd

Anemone: Favorite flower?

monkshood

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

stranger things or ghost adventures

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

like? distance? a couple miles probably

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

“We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little lifeIs rounded with a sleep.” William Shakespeare, The Tempest

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

wild cherry capri sun

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ima change that to ‘kiss the last person u thought abt kissing’ bc YES

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

*jenna marbles voice* hell yeah!!

Baneberries: Favorite song?

waiting for the end - linkin park 

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

chaos

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

i have too many to list !!! brandi, kasey, you, liz, ivy, nick , just to name a few!!

Begonia: Favorite color?

blue uwu

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

foxes !! and opossums

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night time babey

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

either a fox or an opossum or a raven, i think

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

i wanted to be a vet !!!

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

theyre ok as long as theyre not screaming and/or mine

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

i don’t liike vomit bc. nastey (trauma i think) and i don’t like old ppl well. i dunno why? they’re just so old and fragile and helpless and sometimes they’re really mean and idk i think it’s like something to do w death or something LMAO idk. also i just hate the idea of becoming old and having to rely on other people ?? hhh

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

i was bullied a lot

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

realistically? probably playing dead by daylight with my girlfriend ADFSGRHYUTR

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

happily taken 

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

ireland, scotland, alaska, greece

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

whenever my friends or family tells me they love me but esp when u text me goodmorning or when we say our goodnights sorry im gay haha

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

i have. uuuuhh 6

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

no!!! i want some tho :(

California Poppy: Height?  

i think im like. 5′5 or something? give or take an inch ?

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

oh absolutely. my house is haunted as we speak

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

bmth hoodie and pajama pants w foxes all over them. i just woke up lol

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

yeah i always keep one on in the bathroom

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

my sister bc she came home from college yesterday

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

ask me in like. a little over a month from now ;)

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

FONT??? the animal crossing font

Columbine: Are you tired?

oh absolutely

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

thanksgiving, christmas, seeing my gf, magfest

Coneflower: Dream job?

idk if it’s a job but i just wanna own like. a ranch that takes in all sorts of animals and takes care of them

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert 

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

ooooh yeah

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

i mean. depends on what they want/need. distance wise? i’d travel the known universe for u  

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

he was a plaid teddy bear his name was Stanley!!!! i miss him :( but now i have Little Moon God as my favourite stuffed animal 

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Libro

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Working in Yellowstone is something I’ll never forget

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

well. hmm. i was gonna say flying to yellowstone but maybe driving to north carolina by myself bc driving long distances alone to places i haven’t been before gives me hella anxiety (i’m better now)

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)? 

i don’t pay rent in this house to listen to their opinions lmao. 

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

you, i think, when we said goodnight last night!!! EDIT: you this morning!!

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

being bad at dead by daylight

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

dead by daylight

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

(little over a month now but uhhh) GOT A UH ......GIRL.....FRIEND ...... GOT TO VISIT GIRLFRIEND ........ and got the windshield finally replaced in my car 

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

i dont know! so far ive laid in bed now im at my computer answering this. not too bad. my shift is only 4 hours today. 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

for the most part, i’m pretty content, yeah

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

MOVE OUT 

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

my friends, my mom, my sisters, my girlfriend, my bastard dog

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?

metal   

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

what does this mean. physically, i’m very affectionate, i just. don’t show it alot bc anxiety/i overthink. that and i constantly tell ppl i love them and what they mean to me 

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

whoever is reading this

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

wake up next 2 a cute girl. take way too long to get up. go climb mountain w cute girl. vibe on mountain w cute girl. go to waffle house 2gether. gome home and vibe. play video games or watch a movies/tv w cute girl.  

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

i like to make art or play bideo jame

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

oh gosh i dunno. the ones i’ve known the longest are kasey and brandi, and i’ve known them both around/over a decade i think. we met in middle/highschool!

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

you, ivy, liz

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

so many 

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

idk man but i remember when you said u had a crush on me and then i posted a selfie and u were like ‘OH NO SHE’S CUTE” and like ??? idk i think that was definitely the first compliment to ever shock me LMAO 

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

6.9/10

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

my tattoos

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGGViLwHEUk

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i liked to play zombies ate my neighbors on the sega genesis !!!!

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

eliza !!!! we lost touch a few years after i moved away :(

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

ima be real everything makes me feel guilty

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

aaaaaa the whole abi/moon incident 

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

my name is fox. it means i like foxes

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

northern virginia babey !!!! that place fucking sucks!!! but everyone who lives up there thinks they’re hot shit. 

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

i had a bunkbed and i think the walls were pink 

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

😬 i’m just gonna say i’m much happier now and i’m coping with life and shit a lot better  

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

she’s sweet and funny and i love her so much!! she always does the Most for everyone, sometimes to the point where she isn’t concerned abt herself and i see where i get it from. but yeah my mom is great, my dad doesn’t deserve her 

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

source of a lot of trauma and why i have so many issues regarding men. i don’t wanna talk about him anymore LOL he doesn’t deserve the attention

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

my dad’s mom is becoming senile and i think she’s racist and queerphobic. my mom’s parents disowned her a few years ago so we don’t talk to them anymore 

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

i dunno. i don’t try to remember my birthdays. whenever i can go to busch gardens for my birthday i usually have a lot of fun there. 

Peony: What was your first job?

if you don’t wanna count working w my mom as a florist, target was my first job back in 2016. i found my name tag the other day , actually

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

WELL, i know you followed me on here first. and then twitter?? but we didn’t really start talking until stranger things 3 came out (thank u stranger things) PHYSICALLY, we didn’t meet until fursonacon (haha. i remember when u texted me that u got to the hotel and i came down to help n i saw u unloading yr car and it was then that my brain was like OH NOOOOOOOO and my heart was like OH YEEEEAAAAAAAH) 

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

physical, mental, or emotional? i play a video game or listen to loud music

Pink: Where is home?[

somewhere in appalachia i can feel it in my stupid soul 

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change? 

idk man i’m pretty content w where i’m at now so 

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

chester bennington 

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

i have a waife and we have many great pets and we live in a log cabin in the mountains or in a nice victorian in a small town or something IDK but we’re happy and that’s all that matters 

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

God

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

my mom, me best friends, my girlfriend

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

my girlfriend’s laugh because it’s THE cutest shit and then when she giggles??? oh my heart 

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

oct 23rd, 2005, we brought Fat Boy Zack home !!!!

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

July 22nd, 2016. i was 2200 miles away

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

to be holding my girlfriend >:(

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

hhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

those i hold dear

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

enough, i guess? 

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

my girlfriend

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

it’s fucking BORING and TOO EASY and they don’t pay me ENOUGH but i can get away with so much shit there so ima still go, ima still go 

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

all of the flannels currently in my possession

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

mountains, woods, forests, cabins, autumn, cryptic, occult, victorian, edwardian

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

if someone gets me a gift i’m legally required to execute them

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

this 40hr workweek i got coming up 

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

i have not read in So Long

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

Moved out away from here lol, we’ll see

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

:/

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

i’m a furry

that was SO LONG im sorry i also put you through that but THANK YOU ENJOY READING ILU

[britishchick09]

danger force double livewatch!

today we’re doing a special livewatch... a double feature! i’ve been looking everywhere for ‘test friends’ and ‘lil dynomite’, which were taken down by dailymotion for a while. now that i’ve finally found them, it’s time to see what i’ve been missing!

first up is ‘test friends’!

oh no why is ray angry

WHY CAN’T BOSE FEEL HIS ARMS

is this an intricate training thing?

bose: ‘orphan sock!!!’ OMG NOOO!!

OMG the socks exploded!!!!!

wowza what awesome laundry! :D

hey this is the clip i watched on the henry danger force youtube!!! :D

YAS!!! :D

chapa: “harmony check!” all: “in tuuuune!!!!!” :D

what cute poses! :D

oh no they have 7 POSES???

miles thought captain man would ‘just be there’ lol :D

think is the forbidden ‘t’ word *LOUD GASP!*

captain man: “ts” the kids: ??? captain man: “the same” the kids are me when my friends say internet slang

miles said ‘chicken tendies’ ^_^

schwoz: “great group of kids!” captain man: “too bad i can’t trust them...” schwoz: *le GASP*

oh no captain man’s gonna prove that the kids are untrustworthy DID YOU SEE RAYA AND THE LAST DRAGON

speaking of that awesome movie captain man’s acting a lot like raya...

captain man’s spying on them! :o

even swellview academy has surprise tests!

ray’s putting the answers on his podium... ;)

he’s talking like a fancy guy and chapa’s like ‘why are you talking like a book” lol :D

NO MIKA!!!!

mika: “no!!!” ray: “yesssss.....” ray WHY YOU SO SNEAKY

bose: “this answer key is tearing us apart!” you’re tearing me apart, answer key!

aaand he literally tears it apart! nice bose! :D

schwoz wants ray to let go but all ray does is want to make the tests harder... WHY ART THOU A MAN OF SILLY PROPORTIONS RAY MANCHESTER???

wait did silly man just say ‘man ladder’

the intro is at 7:30! how long that is! :o

i love how ray tells them to shut up lol :D

a cute bird house! :D

ray said ‘talketh’ coolio :D

oh no... TRUST FALL!!!!!!

bose saved him with levitation and the other kids grabbed pillows! how sweet :)

mika: “obvi” how ts of you mika!

ray wants to test them... WHEN THEY”RE ALONE >:)

bose is being prank called by ray aka ‘bose of the future’ AND OF COURSE HE’S GONNA FALL FOR IT HE’S BOSE!!!!

oh bose just said ‘wrong number’! how very mature of him!

YAAAAS RAYAAAAA!!!!!!!!! :D

ray’s prank for miles was luring him to ice cream while mika gets a speech review? ok...

CHAPA HAS TO USE AOL BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T HAVE A PHONE OMG

no miles found the ice cream.... AND HE’S TEMPTED!!

ray: ‘in the future, ray turns evil!” monsty reference? :o

ray: “destroy ray... no matter how good looking he is!” lol :D

miles went for carrots! :o

aww bose ‘loves ray too much’ :)

ray: “e before i except in july! amen!” ha ha :D

MIKA SCREAMED INTO THE ESSAY LOL!!!

the swellview version of instagram is swellgram :D

schwoz says ‘way’ like ‘vay’ and i love it :D

awww!!!! :D

oh bose believed ray!

schwoz spilled the beans! :o

OH NO THE LAUNDRY LEVEL IS AT 1000!!!

the baby goat bleating is so cute! ^_^

the vid went to an ad just as schwoz said ‘manche-’ and i thought he was about to say ‘manchild’ lol :D

mika: “i passed!” miles: “we all passed!” goat: “MEHHHH!!!!!!!!!” :D

oh no are the kids gonna do something bad :o

OMG miles just called ray ‘rayman esther manchester’ OHHH!!!!!!! :o

ray wanted them to eat a scorpion WHY RAY

miles teleported to ray and instantly went back lol :D

goat: “buhh jerry!” OMG IT TALKED!!!

ice cream party! :D

schwoz: “it’s a real milestone” eyyy ;D

schwoz says it all the time lol :D

ray’s been gone FOR A WEEK????

they all think it’s a prank but what if it’s real?

IT’S BEEN ANOTHER WEEK WHY

bose: ‘he’s taken this fake desert test really far” i don’t think it’s fake bose...

OMG RAY NO

why does he look like al from quantum leap but crazy af

THE KIDS TURNED HIM OFF

and they got to do the supes illustrated shoot all on their own!

WAIT DID CHAPA SAY THEY WERE IN PHOENIX???? :o

ray BUSTED!!!!

oh no is chapa sending the prank pic she deleted

dan schneider who lol :D

last but not least is ‘lil dynomite’!

omg there’s smoke everywhere!

and a treasurechest monster? :o

awww mika’s locker is her only personal space :/

she wants ray to put the monster in miles locker lol :D

the monster wants to eat swans ew :/

bose said the ‘mangenda’

ooh they said the title of the ep!

awww lil dynomite is cute!

he says ‘hello sir!’ :D

he’s ‘4 feet 10 inches of-’ neverending joy and smiles?

a country duo is signing a song called ‘almond milk’

66 DOLLARS A TICKET WTF

‘life size board game night? gayle from bob’s burgers wants your number ray...

ray during game night: “did i ever tell you the last time i saw my father?” ...ok :/

country lady: “there’s some flashbacks at table 5″ lol :D

they’re called court and courtney! :D

chapa: “almond milk feeds my soul!” YAS!

mika: “who would miss almond milk?” lady: “it’s funny you’re missing almond milk right now!” OHHHHH

OMG THE OTHER LADY SAID ‘BEAUTIFUL WIFE’!!!! :D

lady: “we have another song for you. it’s called..” her and other lady: ‘SHUT YOUR MOUTH’!!” lol :D

ray: “anybody hungy?” lol :D

ray: “you love my manflaps!” THAT PANCAKE NAME SOUNDS DISGUSTING OUT OF CONTEXT

OMG LIL DYNOMITE IS THE 5TH MEMBER

AND THEY KEEP SAYING ‘MANFLAPS’!!!!

he looks like a smol henry... :o

chapa said ‘booty hurt’ lol :D

why is the chest monster still there?

OMG CAPTAIN MAN ASKED THAT MUST AS I TYPED IT! :o

lil d stole bose’s mangenda job! :o

CAPTAIN MAN CALLED BRAINSTORM ‘BRAINBENDER’ NOOO :o

lil d reminds me of speedy alka seltzer with his ‘gee whiz!’ attitude

NO LIL D HAS MIKA’S LOCKER!!!!

miles *screaming*: “YOU MONSTER!!!!!!” you tell him miles!

the news people are back!

captain man and lil d played a non-copyrighted cover of ‘blinding light’ lol :D

lil d is making hair gel WITH CONDORS NO >:(

bose: “oh where is my brain?” it’s in a storm EYYY :D

lil d emphasizes ‘captain MAN’ and it’s so weird

the chest monster is singing lol :D

OMG HOMER SIMPSON BROKE THE NUCLEAR REACTOR

mika: ‘how did you get hired here?” nuclear lady: “i slammed the interview!!!”

it’s MELTY NOOO!!!!!

lil d: “wish me luck mans and sirs!” gee whiz what a quote!

HOLY FRICK WAS HE MELTED????

geez that’s rough!!! :o

chapa: “poor little guy... he just wanted to help” aww they care about him :(

captain man: “that better be awol!” awol: “i’m sorry what” captain man: “NOOOOO!!!!!!” AND HE BROKE THE LAST CONDOR EGG EVER NOOOOO!!!!!

chest monster: “never would’ve happened if you brought the chest monster along!” chapa: “SHUT UP CHEST MONSTER!’ yeah!

RAY WAS GONNA ADOPT LIL D :o

chapa’s trying to hit ray but she keeps hitting lil d HE GONNA DIE

why did the chest monster say “get wrecked” :(

ooh schwoz hologram

awww schwoz built the healing suit to give him powers!

OH CRAP LIL D DED!!!

captain man was gonna feed lil d to the chest monster :o

OH CRAP U DED C MAN!!!!!

HOLY FRICK

awww the kids are defending captain man!

AND LIL D JUST CALLED HIM A MANCHILD! :o

wait captain man has daddy issues

THEY’RE ALL SCREAMING

NO LIL D NO!!!!

GO DANGER FORCE!!! :D

ray right after lil d and awol teleport away: “...we still doing movie night?” lol :D

those were the new(ish) danger force eps! i-

*record scratch*

wait...

THERE’S MORE!!! you thought this was just a double livewatch? i’ve sneakily turned it into a TRIPLE livewatch! this has been a lot of fun so we’re watching the other ep i missed out on!

the final ep of this forcetastic livewatch is ...‘monsty’!

double bubble toil trouble... :)

mika walks in screaming “WHERE’S MY MEAT???” just go to wendy’s!

mika is wearing captain man’s clothes because she did a bad thing! :o

ooh thunder!

spongebob who?

chapa: “you go to your dentist once a month?” lol :D

bose: “33 months? that’s like a hundred years!” miles *softly*: “buddy...”

mika: *breaks a glass* MIKA’S BROKEN A GLASS MIKA’S BROKEN A GLASS! (paul would be proud!)

is this what she’s freaked out about?

lol :D

bose: “WE LUV YOU DANNY CHEEEESST!!!!” double lol :D

there’s a ‘struggle for candy equality’

bose: “what’s a jury duty?” captain man: “when you turn 18- like i did a couple years ago” more like a billion couple years ago! :D

did mika go to jury duty to make up for the glass?

ray thinks left handed people cheat on taxes why

HE MEMED THE MEME!!!!!

and he thinks all people have 2 first names lol

WOAH mika was gonna CLONE ray???? :o

a tongue is god’s napkin

THUNDER STRIKE!!!

omg TINY RAY!!!!!

chapa: “is there a tiny ray shooting a blaster?” ray: “there’s an old ray doing that but that’s another story for another week” great fourth wall reference! ...and possible ‘gnight everybody?’

oh no she cloned ray THE SCARY WAY???

mika: “this is where the story starts to get weird” chapa: “starts to?” lol :D

OMG IT RAYENSTEIN!!!! :O

so that’s monsty!

monsty peed everywhere ew :(

twins! :D

also that’s monsty’s pee bucket double ew :(

chest monster was teleported away! rip chestie

bose keeps calling ray ‘sir’ is that like lil d?

i wonder if that’s a real phone number...

danny chest: “now we have... 100 dollars in pledges” ...oh :/

chapa called him ‘danny boi’ lol :D

DANNY’S THREATENING TO LAUNCH THE GANG AWAY

captain man: “surprise villain! classic!”

they were locked up and captain man said it was a classic!

jennifer lawrence donated 10 thousand! :D

launching off of mountains only ‘hurts for a second’ according to ray

WHO JUST GOT A PEE BUCKET HEAD :o

mika: “captain man wants us to say cool stuff before we use our powers!” how very sailor moon of you ray!

mika called bose ‘honey’ lol :D

CHAPA WANTS HIM TO LIFT THE ANVIL

miles wants monsty to help!!! :D

why is there dramatic music playing in the monsty teleport flashback

awww :D

awwww!!!!!! :D

HE’S IN THE DUNGEON WITH CHEST MONSTER

YAS CHEST MONSTER!!!

bose dropped the anvil on captain man WHY

chapa to mika: “SCREAM GIRL!!!!” YAS! :D

omg DUST :o

mika: “monsty’s coming through that door right now!” monsty: *doesn’t come through that door* awk-ward....

HE BROKE THROUGH THE DOOR YAS!!!! :D

danny hit monsty NOOOO :o

mika: “can you zap monsty?” chapa: “i can, but that’s mean” mika: “i know, but-” chapa: “i’ll still do it tho” lol

YAS MONSTY HIT DANNY WITH THE ANVIL!!!! :D

oh no is monsty gonna accidentally launch them

captain man go YEET!

monsty: “rut roh!” *wah wah wah wahhhh...*

how fancy!

captain: “time to distribute the employee of the month award to someone who has had great courage and sacrifice... mika can you get out of the way please” lol :D

aww monsty is the employee of the month!

AND MIKA IS PROUD!!!! :D

and schwoz did jury duty :) *wah wah wah wahhhh!!!!*

that was a great trio of eps! it was fun getting back to danger force and i can’t wait to see what will happen in the next eps! :D

[creativitytoexplore]

Every Possible Landform and Weather Condition and Natural Disaster: An Interview with Matthew Baker https://ift.tt/3j3hMzr

Matthew Baker’s second collection of short stories, Why Visit America (out now from Henry Holt), takes ambitious aim at this country’s societal and political systems. Each story arrives through some manner of warped lens—a lens in which America, at first, appears very unfamiliar. New technologies, new borders, new pandemics. But the deeper into these stories you read, the more you recognize similar dangers at play in our own United States. The stories quickly cohere into a comprehensive map of current anxieties and existential interrogations. And that’s where the collection’s genius becomes most apparent: when you suddenly realize your expectations and assumptions about core American values have been constructively turned upside-down. I had the pleasure of interviewing Matthew Baker about his new collection over email in July.

Alexander Lumans: Let’s start with the collection’s title, Why Visit America. Since it shares titles with one of your stories, I’m curious as to when and how you arrived at this particular title. What kind of mood or impression do you hope it casts over the entire book? Does this intention reflect any of your current feelings about our country and its fractured state?

Matthew Baker: The concept for the title story came to me in 2012. At the time, I had recently moved to Ireland; I had never lived in another country before, and the subtle cultural differences between the United States and Ireland illuminated certain characteristics of the United States for me with sudden clarity. At that point I’d already written “Fighting Words” and “Appearance” and “To Be Read Backward” and had been thinking about the possibility of assembling a collection of speculative fiction. And then one night the premise for “Why Visit America” came to me. I didn’t actually write the story until years later, but to me that title seemed like the perfect organizing principle for the collection. I realized that the collection itself could function as a guidebook.

AL: Can you talk a little bit more about this notion of the collection as a “guidebook”?

MB: Each of the stories in the book is set in a different parallel-universe United States. I loved the idea, though, that over the course of the book the stories could form a composite portrait of the real United States: a Through The Looking-Glass reflection of who we are as a country.

AL: Your stories contain many elements that feel perfectly prophetic, as if they came from a more speculative-natured DeLillo. For example, in “Lost Souls,” there’s a worldwide pandemic of infants born without souls (which causes them to die), and right now our world is living through a life-threatening viral pandemic. While writing these stories, how much were you imagining the probability of these fictions becoming reality?

MB: Zero, honestly. I wasn’t trying to write prophetic fiction. Then again, I was born on an election day—maybe that gives me some seer-like ability to peer into the future of the nation.

AL: When you write, what are you searching for? Or another way to put it: from which anxieties, observations, and/or experiences did these stories rise?

MB: For this book, although all of the stories are speculative, I was specifically looking for concepts that would give me a way to write about the social and political systems of the real world. I wanted to examine the fundamental assumptions underlying the structures of American society. Take “Life Sentence,” for example. That story didn’t start with the question, “What would be an interesting way to use a technology that can erase memories?” The story started with the question, “What’s an alternative system of punishment that could be used to replace prisons?”

AL: When I first talked to you about this collection a year ago, you mentioned that one of the “rules” you gave yourself was that you had to name all fifty states somewhere in the book, and (if I remember correctly) you wanted to name them only one time. Are there other easter eggs we should look for or “rules” you worked within for the collection?

MB: Yeah, because the collection is meant to function as a guidebook of sorts, I’d decided that all fifty states needed to be included, and also that each of the stories should be set in a different city or region of the country (although there is some overlap, for instance in that “The Sponsor” begins in Massachusetts but ends in DC and “One Big Happy Family” begins in DC and ends in Florida). But that was only the beginning. I’d also decided that the collection should include as many native species of flora and fauna as possible. As many classic American foods, American sports, American styles of clothing, American genres of music. Every possible landform and weather condition and natural disaster that one can encounter in the continental United States. I had a lot of fun with that detail work. But there are some things I never found a way to include—mountain goats, or chowder, or dodgeball, for example—which haunts me.

AL: It’s immensely clear from the work how much fun you must’ve had creating these stories. When you’re writing, how do you best encourage or create the space for fun to become part of the storytelling process?

MB: It’s not always fun, to be honest. Some days—many days—are just grinding. I’ve found that reading for a while before writing can help spark that playful spirit, though. Like how watching somebody else doing tricks on a skateboard can make you want to hop onto a skateboard and try to do some tricks too.

AL: This collection absolutely demonstrates your love of lists (and I love your lists so much!). Some of them are prodigious in size (“The Tour,” “Lost Souls,” “One Big Happy Family”) while others are small and spare but then accumulate over the course of a single story (“To Be Read Backward,” “Rites,” “Life Sentence”). What is it about lists that excites you?

MB: For better or worse, I think that’s just the way that my brain operates. I love programming languages, and when I first began to code, I was amazed to discover that every programming language has a fundamental data structure—what in many programming languages is called an “array”—whose sole purpose is to store lists of information. I was so excited by that—I felt an immediate affinity—I think because lists are so fundamental to how my brain organizes and processes information about the world around me. I can’t possibly express how much that lists delight me. In prose, I especially love when a list somehow builds to a climax or a sudden subversion of expectations, like a sequence of music notes building to a finale or a sudden change of key.

AL: In many of your stories, the point of view was one step removed from the character that other writers might choose as their storytelling lens. For example, there’s the large cast of POVs (most inhabited only once) in “One Big Happy Family”; yet, even though the detective appears in essentially every scene, we inhabit his POV for only a small part of the story. What is it about these “once-removed” POVs that appeals to you? What do they allow for?

MB: That’s thanks to Gabriel García Márquez. I first read his stories at the age of twenty, and was immediately fascinated by what to me was an entirely new genre of storytelling—not the genre of “magical realism,” although that’s the category that his stories are often assigned to, but instead the genre of the “community spectacle.” Maybe the quintessential example is “A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings.” Initially the most interesting character in that story might seem to be the very old man with enormous wings, and yet it’s not a story about him at all—instead it’s the story of the community in which he suddenly appears, and the various ways that the community reacts to and is changed by the spectacle of his appearance. I noticed García Márquez returning to that narrative formula again and again and again—the story of a community reacting to and being changed by some spectacle—and eventually came to realize that there was something about that setup that was profoundly compelling to me. For Why Visit America in particular, I found that “community spectacle” setup to be the perfect angle for exploring the conflict between individualism and collectivism in the United States, and the self-declared American POV of “We the People.”

AL: Gertrude Stein said that “A sentence isn’t emotional, a paragraph is,” which has intrigued me in terms of a paragraph’s various potentials. Furthermore, I’m always interested in how a writer uses their paragraphs; and I don’t think I’ve read a collection that employs paragraphs to the wild range that your collection does. You have a lot of single-line paragraphs throughout “Life Sentence,” and then you have stories with multi-page paragraphs (“The Tour,” “One Big Happy Family,” “Testimony of Your Majesty”). How exactly do paragraphs function in these stories—do you find any overlap with Stein’s quote? To you, what can a very long paragraph achieve?

MB: Maybe I do have a philosophy similar to Stein’s. I think of storytelling in terms of “units.” To me, a sentence is a unit comparable to a comic book panel and a paragraph is a unit comparable to a comic book page. In comics, as a creator, you want every panel to contain a certain amount of narrative energy, but what’s crucial is the page: you need every page to end on a panel that somehow provokes an emotional response in the reader—curiosity, fear, anger, joy, arousal, whatever—in order to entice the reader to turn to the next page to continue reading. I think about paragraphs like that: a paragraph should have a narrative arc that concludes on a sentence that provokes an emotional response in the reader, propelling the reader into the next paragraph at maximum velocity. And for that sometimes what you need is a small paragraph—even a one-liner, like a comic book splash page with a single image—but sometimes what you need is a long paragraph. There are situations in prose storytelling where that much space is required. When an editor tries to chop up a long paragraph into a bunch of smaller paragraphs simply because of some eldritch publishing superstition—“long paragraphs are bad”—it’s horrifying to me. You can kill a story that way. All of the narrative energy will bleed out through those breaks.

AL: You’ve mentioned programming languages, Gabriel Garćia Marquez, and comic books as meaningful influences on this collection. I’m curious as to what other spheres might have left their impressions here. Are there other writers or texts that, in a sense, gave you the permission to write Why Visit America?

MB: Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale and Kazuo Ishiguro’s Never Let Me Go both had a tremendous influence on the stories in this book, along with Ursula K Le Guin’s The Dispossessed. Honestly, though, maybe the biggest influence was American Short Fiction. Of the thirteen stories in the collection, “To Be Read Backward” was the first to be written, and was the first to be published in a literary magazine. I was at AWP when I got the acceptance email from American Short Fiction—I remember standing there in the middle of the book fair, staring down at the email with a sense of astonishment. I was stunned that a literary journal of that stature would be willing to publish this weird sci-fi story that I’d written—an overtly political speculative fiction that devotes entire pages to conjecture about the nature of the spacetime continuum. I’d thought of the story as an experiment, as a risk, and so the enthusiasm of the editors was profoundly encouraging. Getting to do this interview with you is special to me for that reason. In a sense, American Short Fiction was what first gave me permission to write this book.

Named one of Variety’s “10 Storytellers To Watch,” Matthew Baker is the author of the story collections Why Visit America and Hybrid Creatures and the children’s novel Key Of X, originally published as If You Find This. His stories have appeared in publications such as New York Times Magazine, The Paris Review, American Short Fiction, One Story, Electric Literature, and Conjunctions, and anthologies including Best Of The Net and Best American Science Fiction And Fantasy. Born in the Great Lakes region of the United States, he currently lives in New York City.

Alexander Lumans was awarded a 2018 NEA Grant in Fiction. He also received a fellowship to the 2015 Arctic Circle Residency, and he was the Spring 2014 Philip Roth Resident at Bucknell University. He teaches at University of Colorado Denver and at Lighthouse Writers Workshop. He’s currently at work on a novel set in the Arctic.

[chronotopes]

memed by @bajroan tysm

rules: answer 30 questions, tag 20 blogs. (spoiler alert boy howdy am i not doing that)

nicknames: eugene calls me a different mangled version of my name every time he sees me (“kantinatio” etc) but that’s more of an inside joke than a nickname. other than that uh not really

gender: grace i don’t want 2 rip off your reply but “girl i guess” really is The Mood Constantly

sign: leo!! (with a moon in uhh aries i believe)

height: 5′4″ :/ 

time: 1:19 pm est

birthday: august 18 2000

favourite bands: uh the mountain goats obviously. also it’s Been stars and the decemberists for like two years but sometimes a girl has just got to accept her basic-in-certain-circles music taste and move on. oh also i like the shins not that this improves things. ooh and fleetwood mac. 

favourite solo artists: carly rae jepsen, phil ochs (grace i know philliam is not particularly niche but i’m still always excited when i meet people who like him), connie converse (*blows a kiss to the open road* for connie), and ani difranco. 

song stuck in my head: the loamlands cover of ‘fall of the high school star running back’ because i’ve been catching up on i only listen to the mountain goats 

last movie i saw: i think it was star wars the last jedi; i RLLY don’t see a lot of movies lmao

last show i watched: black mirror

when did i create my blog: july of 2013 :/

what do i post: whatever i am currently thinking too hard about . at the moment that’s mainly sad thoughts about julian bashir’s character arc

last thing i googled: “frost at midnight” because gotta love coleridge

do i have any other blogs: yyyyeah most of them totally inactive. where’s that one post about Leo Culture being having fifty sideblogs

do i get asks: moderately often, generally either for memes or more rarely “what’s wrong with x” after i make a post about not liking x. (i actually.... really like answering those lmao)

why did i choose my url: i got into les mis back in 2015 and couldn’t think of any good les mis urls that weren’t taken, so instead i took the end off the 93 quote “whatever creates night in our souls may leave stars”. 93 is not a book i have read or plan on reading in the future

following: 194, which is rlly weird ; it always feels like more :/

followed by: exactly 666 actually 

average hours of sleep: seven if we are being optimistic

lucky number: 27

instruments: i took piano as a kid but boy howdy is that not a thing anymore

dream job: secondary or post-secondary education; post-secondary is The Dream but uhh a phd in english rlly doesn’t land you many good places so i’ve been increasingly fond of the former option conceptually. assuming of course that the school system will not have collapsed by then. also being A Writer but like :/

favourite food: this is genuinely impossible to answer but i WOULD die for any goat cheese/tomato combination, or any variation on the theme of ‘eggplant-based foods’ (caponata >>>>>> ratatouille tho. italians know what they’re doing)

nationality: russian

favourite song: i always answer “cry for judas” by tmg but maybe “jenny” has surpassed it who knows. 

last book i read: i’m reading mark twain’s personal recollections of joan of arc for my honors project 

top 3 fictional universes i want to join: star trek or bust (probably the ent-d because even though ds9 is miles and miles better i don’t want 2 die.) uh aside from that.. discworld, probably, and maybe series nine from diana wynne jones’s related worlds. as in in the chrestomanci novels. (series nine is the one the protagonists live in right. i have the book sitting on my shelf but i am too lazy to check)

i’m tagging anyone who wants to do it as i am wont to

[helloiamace]

This video is pretty much a classic in the Swedish Harry Potter fandom, and I think it’s a shame that it’s not accessible in English. 

So I wrote down all the dialouge and translated it. I plan to also translate the equally legendary sequels, but that will have to wait until at least tomorrow.

The translated script is below, so without further ado, enjoy Harry Potter And The Hairy Potter 1.

arry Potter and the Hairy Potter 1

-Boats floating through the water, a view of Hogwarts-

Ron: Harry! Harry! We’re here now! Wake up! We’re at the castle! We’re here now! We’re here now! Harry! Harry: Okay. Ron: Hey! Harry! We’re here now!

-The students are walking up the stairs-

Harry: Now we’re in the castle, Ron. Ron: Yeah. McGonagall: Welcome! Yes, like I said, welcome to Hogwarts school for unwanted children! Becuase you’re unwanted, you should know that. Hehehe… Keeping our budget in mind, half of you will probably starve to death in the first semester.

-They enter the Great Hall, McGonagall in the lead-

McGonagall: And here we go. Hermione: This will be so fun. I’ve heard that it was slaves who hung those candles. McGonagall: Not another step, you orphaned beasts! And now our Headmaster will touch our souls with his famous welcome-speech. Dumbledore: Hi! McGonagall: Well, I know I was touched by that beautiful speech. Thanks Dumbledore. Now it’s time to sort the smart students out from the dumb ones. Harry: Ouch! McGonagall: Get on the stage, Harry. Students: Gryffindor! Gryffindor! Sorting hat: Slytherin! Students: Yaayyy! Gryffindor! *applause and whooping* Students: Did you see that? Sorting hat: Slytherin! Slytherin! Students: Yeah! Gryffindor!! Fred/George: Let’s go Harry, greatest mood! Percy: Yes. Hello hello. Seamus: ‘Sup? Student: Welcome to Gryffindor! Harry: ouch! McGonagall: Silence! Dumbledore: Get out of my hall.

-students walk up the stairs-

Harry: *singing* What a fucking party! Oh yeaaah! Right, Ron? Ron: Yeah, it was okay I suppose. Fat lady: Give me the boy. Percy: You will get the boy. Harry: Well damn, welcome to the sixties Ron Weasley. Ron: Thanks Harry Percy: You live over there and over there, and I live in here.

-Ron and Harry run into McGonagall’s classroom-

Harry: Hurry Ron! Hurry up, dammit! Hurry! Ron: But! This is just a gross old cat! *McGonagall transforms* *Ron and Harry run*

-Snape’s classroom-

Snape: Sorry I’m late everyone, I was doing some digging in the graveyard. Welcome to your first lesson in domestic science. Domesticity and science, in two, in one. Today we will learn the dark art of baking… *long pause* pie-buns. This recipe contains both… bun dough… and… pie dough.

YES HARRY! TAKE NOTES! YEEEEEESSSS!!!

-Breakfast in the great hall-

Seamus: Die Neville! Die! Harry: What the hell is he doing, Ron Weasley? Ron: Call me Ron. He’s trying to blow Neville up. But… *explosion* Ron: It smells like

*Owls enter to piano music and voices singing about pie-buns* Harry: This is mine now. Bitch. Bitch, bitch, you are my bitch Ron. Dean: Yo! Bling-bling, yo! Hermione: That’s a hand grenade! Neville: Yeah, a magic one! When the smoke goes red, it goes boom! Right, Sn- *BOOM* Harry: Hey Ron, that was a mild end for Neville. Heh. Check this out Ron. The Latest News from the owl world! Seven goblins horribly assaulted by an old man and a little girl. The old man apparently had a long white beard and crescent moon-shaped glasses, and the girl had incredibly puffy hair.   That almost sounds like Hermione.

Ron: Hey Harry, that Hermione, she seems totally insane. Harry: Yes. Ron: Like, how can you do something like that to a goblin? Harry: Exactly! I agree. Fred/George: Are you Harry? Harry: Yes Ron: Harry, this is Fred and George. They’re really fucking annoying. Fred/George: That’s not what you were saying last Friday when dad was beating the shit out of you! Fuck, how you screamed. I got tinnitus, dammit. Fred/George: Tonight I’m gonna drench my hand in gasoline, light it up, and fist a goat. Are you coming? Harry: Yeah. Ron: Are you really gonna go there? Harry: Yeah, I think so. Ron: How can you even consider anything that insane Harry? Harry: Listen Ron, if you want to be cool, you sometimes have to do things you don’t want to do. Hermione: I heard you were assaulting a goat. Can I come? *Harry and Ron shrug*

-The Hogwarts Library-

Hermione: *slams a book on the table* Here it is! Harry: Ah! Hermione: Hey Harry, this is probably the best book that’s ever been written. Ron: The Bible? Ron: What? Hermione: Listen up now guys. “And then God told Abraham: you shall beat your only son to death.” Harry and Ron: What?? Hermione: He’s killing his son, Ron. “So Abraham brought Isak up to the high mountains. And then a burning bush came by, and then Isak caught on fire, and all of this took place in the high mountains of Moria. Ron: What did you say? Hermione: The high mountains of Moria. Ron: That’s not true! Harry: Sssh! It’s exciting! (On screen text: "real bible quote”) Hermione: “nobody who’s had their testicles crushed or their penis cut off can enter the Lord’s church.” Do you understand what this means? None of you can get to heaven!

-Walking through the halls-

Harry: By the way guys, have you thought about how Snape is like, emo? He’s dyed his hair black, and the question is whether he cuts himself as well. Hermione: I think he’s actually blond. Snape: Am I blond? Is that what you think? You little dipshits…

-Walking down the common room stairs-

Harry: Hurry up now Hermione and Ron! We’re going somewhere! Ron: Where are we going? Harry: You’ll see. Frog: Ribbit. Ron: It’s the first boss! Neville: No, I’m the first boss! The frog is the second boss. Harry: So the frog is ranked higher than you, that’s what you’re saying? Neville: Yeah! Or no, but if you mess with the frog, you mess with me! Time to die! Hermione: Nobody threatens me! Now you’ll die, Neville! *Neville dies* Ron: We’ll… We’ll go to jail for this. Harry: Yeah, that was a mild end for Neville. Heh. Ron: Maybe we should…. Hide the body. Harry: Go ahead and do that, Ron.