#also I think Jess and all their friends gathered money for him to get top surgery bc he fucked up his ribs bc he didn’t bind properly

[fukoronoko]

Im a Sam Winchester Trans ftm truther

But in the sense that he figured it out as a kid, only told Dean and John fucking forgot he didn’t always have two sons

They called him Sam or Sammy anyway, had to wear practical clothes (and layers bc yk that is the hunter uniform) and John never spent any fucking time with his kids and if he did he would have probably been exhausted, oblivious and distracted especially in the first at least ten years after Mary’s death

So yeah. John had two sons. All the fake cards and IDs always had male bc he fucking forgot that Sam wasn’t assigned male at birth

Congrats John! You abandoned your kids so much you accidentally unwillingly became a trans ally

[maddie-grove]

My Top Five Twentieth-Century (Ish) Romance Novels

Notes: Romances set during the twentieth century are among the hardest for me to categorize. First, romance novels (as we know them today) began to emerge as a distinct genre in the twentieth century, so it’s entirely possible for two romance novels, one historical and one contemporary, to be set during the same decade. What do I do with that? Second, I think twentieth-century historical romance falls into three distinct categories with little to do with each other: Edwardian-ish (post-Victorian but pre-WWI), World Wars (WWI, WWII, and everything in between), and Cold War (roughly 1947 to 1991). I lump in nineties-set romance with contemporary romance, partly because I am a very self-centered early-nineties baby, and partly because of some pivotal events that took place in the early nineties (the end of the Cold War, the popularization of Internet usage, the Old School/New School schism in romance). Also, I’ve yet to see a nineties-set historical, which isn’t the case for the seventies or eighties. This is not a science.

1. Scandal of the Year by Laura Lee Guhrke (2011)

Exact Setting: 1900s England.

Premise: Years ago, Julia, Lady Yardley, used the unwitting Aidan, the Duke of Trathen, to trick the world into thinking she’d committed adultery with him. It got her a divorce from her abusive husband, but it also dragged the very proper Aidan’s reputation through the mud. Since then, Julia has become a motorcar-racing, cigarette-smoking firecracker. Maybe Aidan should resent her, but instead he misses her and dreams of doing what everyone thinks they did. 

Why I Like It: This was the first post-Victorian historical romance I ever read, and it blew me away. Looking at it objectively, I know it has its flaws--it contains very little conflict, and Julia’s past actions towards Aidan aren’t taken seriously enough--but I love it still. Their odd-couple friendship is endearing, and their sexual chemistry is off the charts. I really appreciate that Guhrke put in one spectacular love scene, rather than three repetitive ones (as is the custom). I also like the inclusion of exciting technological developments, like cars, and Julia’s post-divorce hellion ways.

Favorite Scene: The one spectacular sex scene.

2. Let Us Dream by Alyssa Cole (2016)

Exact Setting: 1917 New York City.

Premise: Bertha Hines, a black cabaret owner and suffragette, is dealing with opposition from all sides. A racist white official is trying to get her shut down, the more “respectable” suffragettes won’t even take her money, and (more pleasantly) the hot dishwasher at her club is critical of her dance routine. Said hot dishwasher, Indian-born Amir Chowdhury, is having his own problems; he’s sharing an apartment with three roommates, he’s been dodging immigration officials since he jumped ship, and his ambitions of being a chef have stalled. Can these two prickly, passionate people ever get along? Can they maybe even help each other out?

Why I Like It: I’m a little disappointed that so many World Wars historicals are set in rather bland small towns where it might as well be 1890 . Let Us Dream is a delicious exception. Set on the eve of the Harlem Renaissance and women’s suffrage, during the waning days of WWI, it captures a vibrant historical moment. Bertha and Amir are both unique protagonists with a great dynamic; when they clash, it’s not because they don’t share values or respect each other, but because they’re both so ambitious and self-assured. Plus, the food descriptions are really good.

Favorite Scene: The dancing lessons.

3. Morning Glory by LaVyrle Spencer (1990)

Exact Setting: Early 1940s Northern Georgia.

Premise: Will Parker, fresh out of prison and half-starved, finds refuge with “Crazy” Elly Dinsmore, a reclusive pregnant widow with two little boys. Unable to run a small farm by herself, she’s taken out an ad for a husband, but she and Will sensibly agree to take things slow. Nevertheless, things...evolve. Can they get through childbirth, the tail end of the Great Depression, World War Two, and a murder trial? Are they gonna have to wait for their lives to be over?

Why I Like It: Lord, the sheer tenderness of this book. Elly and Will treat each other with kindness from the start, even though neither has received much of that in their life. Their relationship grows even lovelier as they get to know each other and weather the challenges that life throws at them. It also made me think of my grandparents, who also married shortly before WWII. Finally, there’s a lot of good stuff about responsible land management, which is very appealing to me, someone who struggles to responsibly manage an apartment and a Toyota.

Favorite Scene: Will gets the imperious but secretly nice town librarian to take an interest in Elly.

4. Let It Shine by Alyssa Cole (2015)

Exact Setting: Early 1960s Virginia and Mississippi.

Premise: Sofie Wallis, a black college student, has always done the proper thing, not wanting to upset her anxious father since her mother’s untimely death from a sudden illness. The Civil Rights Movement is gathering steam, though, and she’s not about to sit it out. Through her activism, she becomes reacquainted with Ivan Friedman, a reserved white Jewish boxer whose terminally ill mother employed her mom as a housekeeper when they were kids. They were friends back then...can they be more now? And how is the Freedom Summer going to go?

Why I Like It: Cole expertly captures both the idealism and the ugliness of the early 1960s, making for an exhilarating and thought-provoking story. The dynamic between Sofie and Ivan--both quiet, intense, and conscientious people--is both moving and sexy. There isn’t a whole lot of conflict between them; they have internal stuff to sort out (Sofie’s fear and grief over her mother’s death, Ivan’s attempts to channel his righteous anger into constructive channels) and some external obstacles to overcome (racist opposition to the Freedom Riders, somewhat disapproving but mostly scared parents, the fact that interracial marriage wasn’t legal in Virginia until 1967), but they’re pretty much always on the same page. This could make for a less-developed romance, but instead you get this incredible sense of rightness: that these are two people with shared values, great chemistry, and a deep respect for one another.

Favorite Scene: Sofie and Ivan practice for the Freedom Ride.

5. Simple Jess by Pamela Morsi (1996)

Exact Setting: Early 1900s Arkansas.

Premise: Althea McNees Winsloe, a young widow with a three-year-old son, has no wish to marry. She doesn’t trust any man to truly look after the interests of her firstborn, and frankly none of them do it for her anyway. Unfortunately, she owns one of the best pieces of land in her small Ozarks community, and that community is full of busybodies. Instead of marrying to oblige them, she hires Jesse Best, a local man with cognitive disabilities, to help her out with her land. The arrangement satisfies them both--she likes his ideas for improving the farm, while he likes being treated as a capable person for once--but things get complicated as their mutual liking turns into something...sexier. Can it work out between them? Will the community, which refers to Jesse as “Simple Jess” way more than necessary, accept their love? And will Althea’s other suitors ever be able to put down their burdens of toxic masculinity and achieve true happiness?

Why I Like It: A book with this premise is either going to be great or a fucking mess, and Morsi hits it out of the park. Society has a bad habit of conceiving of “disabled” and “non-disabled” as two mutually exclusive categories; non-disabled people are “normal” and capable of doing everything they need to do without help, while disabled people are aberrant and generally incapable. Jesse has serious, life-altering cognitive disabilities; he has trouble remembering things, takes a long time to process things mentally, and often doesn’t pick up on when people are manipulating him. The people in his community see these disabilities and feel the need to “simplify” him into someone who has no intelligence, no sexuality, and no agency. Yet Jesse is capable of many things, and he knows what he wants. Meanwhile, the “normal” people of the community, including Althea, also need help from others: to farm land, to raise children, to be happy. The community is also well-drawn, sometimes infuriating yet always very human.

Favorite Scene: Althea sees Jesse’s farm improvements and is like “fuck yeah that’s some good shit” (paraphrase). I am also fond of the scene where Althea’s secretly gay suitor tells his asshole father to fuck off and moves to New Orleans.

[missluthorwillseeyounow]

Felidae

Supercorp AU based on this post.

Kara is a refugee from Krypton, still trying to get used to her powers. She’s too strong, and she ends up hurting everything she touches. 

Lena is the last of the House of Luthor, and she’s determined to keep her House alive and standing, but the vultures who want her fortune and the power of the Luthors are circling.

So, much like Atalanta and Penelope and other women of old beleaguered by the unwanted advances of men, Lena devises a ruse to keep them at bay, by declaring she will marry the one who can open the veritable fortress that is Luthor Manor using the key around her cat’s neck.

Yeah, so this developed a life of its own. Apparently it’s set it in a modern-Greek-mythology-based-steampunk-ish world, which has absolutely no bearing on the story (don’t worry), but I’m a little hungover and weird, so…

One night, Kara hears a commotion - metal clanging, things falling, men yelling, voices loud and harsh to her sensitive ears - she goes out to find out what’s going on, and she finds a group of man chasing after a small black cat. Kara is horrified by the horde that seems so hellbent on capturing and hurting such an innocent, defenseless creature. She stops them, and in the process, manages to hurt one of them badly with her strength.

The mob disperses in fear of her, and Kara is immediately regretful, scared of her own strength. The cat hisses at her angrily, defensive, and Kara quickly backs away, scared of hurting it. She holds her hands up and talks kindly to it

“It’s okay. They can’t hurt you anymore. Run along now.”

The cat does, but as it leaps on top of a wall, it pauses for a moment - such odd behavior for a cat - and gives Kara a fleeting look, and she catches sight of the key around its neck glinting in the firelight. Then it disappears over the wall of Luthor Manor.

At first, Kara thinks that’s it, but the cat returns the next day, sitting almost imperiously on top of the wall, regarding Kara with sharp, thoughtful green eyes. She tries to coax it closer, but the cat doesn’t follow, just looks at her, and it’s probably just as well, because she could very well hurt it with her strength.

So instead Kara starts talking quietly to it. It’s mostly like talking to herself because the cat doesn’t respond with more than a curious tilt of its head or a lick of its own paw. The cat seems content to listen to her, and lets her talk. Halfway through her description of the ballista Alex had shown her today, one of the men from last night’s horde passes them and sees the cat, sees the key around its neck, and tries to give chase. 

Kara holds him off but when she turns, the cat is gone in a streak of black fur and a glint of brass from the key around her neck.

The cat comes back again the day after that, and the day after that, and before long, she and Kara become friends. Kara would think she’s a stray, but the little key around her neck suggests otherwise.

No owner ever comes looking for her though, and the cat comes and goes as she pleases, sometimes disappearing for days on end.

Kara affectionately calls her Streaky. which the cat grumbles at, but this only earns her a laugh because Kara finds it adorable how an animal can look so annoyed.

Kara doesn’t touch the cat, not yet. She’s still trying to learn how to be gentle, and her friend is infinitely too precious to hurt in the way the men chasing her tried to hurt her, or in the way Kara grabbed Winn’s arm a little too excitedly the other day and her grasp was hard enough to make him yelp.

Most of the time, they lie in the grass of Eliza’s garden together, soaking up the sun. When she’s not helping Alex train or trailing after Kal at the Daily Planet, Kara has taken up painting at Eliza’s suggestion, and she practices holding the brush gently, practices delicate strokes, painting her new friend sleeping in a patch of sunlight.

One day, the cat herself wanders over to a spot next to her, and eventually she crawls into Kara’s lap, settling there with a soft meow, making Kara smile.

Kara talks to the cat about Krypton and how much she misses it. She tells her about the House of El, and her family and the people she lost. She tells her about her loneliness and how distant she feels from everyone here, even from Kal, who is the last of her kin, but is as removed from Krypton and the Old World as Alex is.

And when she talks about how alone she feels, it’s almost as if the cat understands what she’s talking about – which is strange, because it’s a cat. But Kara can see comprehension in those wide green eyes looking back at her, can almost feel the empathy in the way the cat settles on her chest and burrows its soft face into her neck.

She gathers courage to touch the cat when she finds out who her owner is.

She’s heard about Lena Luthor of course, who hasn’t? But Kara’s never actually seen her beyond the occasional glimpse of the dark-haired woman through the window of her Vestal transport chaise or shrouded in her long, diaphanous chiton at the temple, surrounded by her attendants.

It’s Alex who finally tells her about the Luthor lady’s many suitors and the ruse with her cat. Which, to Kara, finally explains many things.

“It’s horrible.” Kara tells her feline friend, who is lying curled on Kara’s pillow. “They’re all fighting to catch you just because they want that thing around your neck. As if hurting you and treating you horribly somehow makes them worthy of a lady’s affections? I’m sorry, Streaky, you don’t deserve any of that.”

The cat slants her a dirty look at the nickname, but the effect is ruined when those luminous eyes close and she purrs softly as Kara very very gently places a hand on her back, stroking the rich black fur, her touch as light as she can manage. The low purring makes the small body under Kara’s hand vibrate slightly and she smiles in delight.

She did it! And she didn’t hurt her friend!

“Come to think of it,” Kara continues, still talking while stroking the cat’s fur, moving to the back of her neck and to her whiskered cheek. “You don’t deserve what your owner did to you either. She must have known that setting her challenge with you as bait would put you at risk! Doesn’t she care about you? I mean, I know it must be lonely being the last of her House. Believe me, I know how lonely it is. And I can’t imagine how awful it must be to have all those men circling like vultures, hounding her day and night just for her money – but she should have known better than to put you in danger! You know what? I don’t care if she’s Lena Luthor and she can buy and sell me a million times over, or even have me killed for feeding you cheap-ass salmon-flavored kibble, I’m going over there and giving her a piece of my mind!”

Armed with righteous indignation on her friend’s behalf, Kara picks up the cat and marches to Luthor Manor. 

Once there, she realizes she doesn’t really have a plan to get in, until Streaky gives her an annoyed meow and plays with the key around her neck until Kara gets the message.

(In my steampunk-ish version, it’s not really a key, only shaped like one, but contains codes to enter the compound)

Kara marches in, much to the surprise and awe of everyone inside (and those on the outside who saw her go in with the cat). A pretty young woman dressed impeccably in a lovely chiton hurries forward to meet her, glancing a bit apprehensively at the purring cat in her arms.

“You must be Kara.”

“How do you know my name?” Kara asks, just as the cat jumps out of her arms and streaks off to the end of the long marble hall.

“Oh, we’ve heard a lot about you. Thank you for returning her to us.” Another look in the cat’s direction, this one almost exasperated. “I’m Jess, Miss Luthor’s lead attendant. Please come in, she’ll be with you soon. You two have much to discuss.”

Kara is escorted to a lavish room, and she runs out of steam because everything here looks beautiful and expensive and breakable. 

She’s just about to give up and go home when she sees her cat – well, Lena Luthor’s cat – disappear behind a dressing screen, knocking a lamp along the way. The light behind the screen allows a glimpse of her little friend’s silhouette through the screen.

To Kara’s shock, the cat’s shadow transforms from its feline shape into the lithe silhouette of a woman. She can see her moving, donning clothes that had clearly been prepared for her behind the screen.

By the time Lena Luthor appears from behind the screen, Kara’s jaw is on the floor and she’s vaguely aware of the choked sounds coming from her own throat.

“I believe you came here to give me a piece of your mind?”

If that strange transformation weren’t enough to convince Kara of the utterly insane fact that her cat – the one she’s been talking to all these weeks – is Lena Luthor, her voice would. Rao, the throaty murmur is strangely reminiscent of her cat’s soft purr – and she really should have herself checked because the low sound is doing strange things to her insides.

The amused green gaze that Kara is very familiar with is also a dead giveaway.

Lena moves closer, her face softening at the sight of Kara’s shock.

“I apologize for the theatrics. This isn’t how I wanted to tell you, but you were quite determined, and it wasn’t fair for me to keep it from you for so long.” 

Lena holds a hand out to Kara, who’s still frozen in shock. “You told me everything about you. You were always honest with me. If you’re willing to listen, I’d like to do the same.”

And so, Kara takes Lena’s proffered hand, still careful to be gentle even through her shock, because this is still her friend, even if she isn’t small and feline, and Kara would never want to hurt her friend. She sits beside her, and Lena tells her the truth.

And at the end of it, Lena waits for her to speak, waits for her anger or her condemnation. Instead, Kara takes the hand that has remained in hers and twines their fingers together, while her other arm winds around Lena’s shoulders. Kara’s nervous too, at first, because this is the first time she’s embraced another person since Krypton, but she can feel the other woman begin to relax in her arms, her fingers digging slightly into Kara’s shoulder blades.

“Does this mean I have to marry you?” Kara murmurs into Lena’s ear, and smiles when she laughs softly, the breathy sound making vibrations under Kara’s palm. “I mean, I’m not entirely averse to the idea, but I didn’t even bring a ring. Or should I have brought a collar?”

“Kinky.” Lena laughs again, and Kara delights in the sound, wants to hear it again and again. Kara pulls away to see luminous green eyes sparkling at her in fond amusement. “How about I buy you dinner first?”

“Well, considering the fact that I’ve been feeding you for weeks, I think it’s your turn.” Kara teases, just as Lena pushes forward with a smile and kisses her. The kiss is sweet and a little overwhelming and confusing, considering that when this all started she couldn’t even touch another person without hurting them, and now she’s kissing a beautiful woman who used to be her cat.

But Lena is soft, and unafraid of her, just as she always has been, and she makes Kara unafraid too. By the time Lena pulls away the slightest bit, Kara is lightheaded but she laughs at Lena’s next words, murmured low and sultry against her mouth.

“By the way, I hate salmon. I was just being polite when I ate it.”

__________

By SorrowsFlower

I dunno what happened, lol. I swear I just saw that post, and next thing I know, it’s evening and I didn’t do anything I was supposed to do. Instead, I have… whatever this is.

[arecomicsevengood]

Quarantine Movies, Part 3

OLD BOYFRIENDS (1979) dir. Joan Tewkesbury

Not often I watch a movie and feel like “What the fuck is happening?” but I did with this one, written by Paul Schrader and directed by the screenwriter of Nashville. Talia Shire stars as a woman getting back in touch with her old boyfriends. She’s… recovering from a nervous breakdown? Sort of out for revenge? One ex hooks up with her again, and then, once abandoned, hires a private detective to track her down. A little boring at first, and then becomes baffling for most of its middle. John Belushi’s in it, playing a kind of pathetic schlub that feels convincingly like “the real Belushi” to me in the sense of me finding it uncomfortable to watch. I think maybe the film can be understood as a take on feminine psychosis in contrast to the masculine psychosis found in Schrader’s Taxi Driver screenplay. The psychosis here being this lack of self-knowledge that leads to manipulating people ostensibly towards the end of finding love.

KLUTE (1971) dir. Alan Pakula

Feel like I got the impression this movie was a joke from somewhere? Some Murphy Brown reference or something, playing to consensus of losers. (Edit: The joke’s in Wet Hot American Summer, but doesn’t really contain a value judgment about the movie.) It’s not great by any means but it’s not particularly tawdry given the subject matter. It is confusing that the movie is mostly about Jane Fonda’s call girl character, but the movie is named after Donald Sutherland’s character, who’s a detective. Maybe the joke was always just that people thought Jane Fonda played Klute. Movie digs into the sex worker’s psychology in a way that feels contemporary, except contemporary discourse doesn’t really allow for psychological insight, in favor of empty gestures towards representation. Sutherland’s out to solve a mystery, Fonda falls in love with him: I really did think this was smart in depicting a relationship where person was uncomfortable with the act of falling in love as running counter to their techniques of emotional distancing, except, I guess, for the fact that this is depicted in scenes of Fonda talking to her therapist that spell out what’s happening rather than depict this in a more organic way. But that it feels sort of shoehorned in is cool because the movie then largely has this mystery narrative it’s about. It is a little dull and could stand to be shorter, though the musical score does some nice grooves with dissonant elements on top, vaguely Morricone-style, though of course he’s got a deep body of work.

EYES OF LAURA MARS (1978) dir. Irvin Kershner

Criterion’s description of this chracterizes it as an “American giallo,” which seems about right. About a woman (Faye Dunaway) who takes violent/erotic photographs (shot by Helmut Newton) that coexist in both advertising and art gallery contexts. She starts having psychic visions of murder, the police are investigating her because some murders seem modeled after her photos, although that is not the case with any of the murders she has visions of, which then start to involve people she knows. So, like a giallo, there’s a lot happening, an interest in lurid style, and a disinterest in internal consistency as things ratchet up, and the twist ending (that the cop she started dating has multiple personality disorder) falls within that pattern as well. Not as good as the best Italian giallo, (which would I guess be Argento’s TENEBRE) or for that matter, the slasher movie HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, which is an American movie insane enough to exist in the same conversation.

THE GETAWAY (1972) dir. Sam Peckinpah

Steve McQueen gets out of prison and is immediately set up by the prison official, who his girlfriend (Ali MacGraw) slept with, to rob a bank. He gets double-crossed, and then goes on the lam with his girlfriend. While in the past I sometimes feel like I am listing the names of the actors as endorsements, I’m not really doing this with the cast of this movie or Old Boyfriends. Good action sequences and suspenseful moments. Feel like the iconic images in this are McQueen with a shotgun, blowing up cop cars. Peckinpah directs from a Walter Hill screenplay adapting a Jim Thompson novel. This predates Walter Hill directing movies for himself, but it’s interesting how much more flash there is to the action here than there is in The Driver, you can sort of detect certain elements as being Hill’s interest (like the suspense of being pursued) and other stuff being Peckinpah, like the baroque explosions of violence. I like all of it.

KATE PLAYS CHRISTINE (2016) dir. Robert Greene

This isn’t very good. One half adaptation of the Christine Chubbuck story with a documentary about Kate Lyn Sheil. Sheil’s good in other things, this feels like a failed experiment. Weirdly this came out at pretty much exactly the same time as a movie about Chubbuck starring Rebecca Hall? The Rebecca Hall movie’s pretty great, and is an interesting performance, I would be interested in watching a conversation between the two actresses.

BRINGING OUT THE DEAD (1998) dir. Martin Scorses

A rewatch. Nicolas Cage plays an ambulance driver, Scorsese directs from a Paul Schrader screenplay. I like Nicolas Cage a lot, I like the cinematography in this one. I knew I would enjoy this, didn’t remember John Goodman being in it, Mary Beth Hurt is really good in it, mentioned her being good in Light Sleeper too, didn’t realize she’s Paul Schrader’s wife. Insanely hectic energy, shot through with hallucinatory holy light. Patricia Arquette is probably the weakest link in the cast, though it is her different energy that enables her to seem like a potentially redemptive figure for Nicolas Cage.

RAGING BULL (1980) dir. Martin Scorsese

This one’s a classic, but I didn’t like it the first time I saw it, over fifteen years ago, I think on account of being hungry at the time. Still, probably not my favorite Scorsese. The dialogue is interesting, due to De Niro’s character having a high level of aggression and paranoia, where pretty much everything that gets said to him he responds “Why do you say that?” which lends short scenes this circular quality. This reveals his character, in an efficient way, even though it makes the scenes feel insane and somewhat circular.

HOPSCOTCH (1980) dir. Ronald Neame

I liked this one a lot when I saw it years ago, didn’t really know the director’s pedigree came from doing Alec Guiness comedies. I don’t normally rewatch movie but my memories of this were very pleasant in a way suggesting it would be comforting. Walter Matthau plays a spy who is retiring but who gets everyone mad at him, which makes this kind of Prisoner-adjacent. He runs around, being the smartest guy in the room, having fun at being able to outsmart intelligent agencies. All of the globe-trotting of a James Bond kind of thing, but with none of the bloodshed. No one dies in this, uptight people just get mad at Walter Matthau being cool.

NIGHTFALL (1956) dir. Jacques Tourneur

Tourneur directed the original Cat People, which I love, and Out Of The Past, a classic noir I was not fond of when I saw it in college. This one’s good too, adapting a David Goodis novel. I know Goodis from a piece in Jesse Pearson’s magazine Apology, that makes the case he’s the best writer of crime fiction, on a sentence level. The dialogue’s good in this, but there’s also a cool structure: Following different characters, with it being fairly unclear what their relationship is to one another for a while, some flashbacks reveal things. The characters in this are pretty likable, Anne Bancroft is the female lead and the romance is believable. She plays a model, it’sf ascinating to watch movies made by a studio and realize they have the same woman designing gowns for all of them. Like they have the glamour provided in-house because it’s recognized that’s part of what people go to the movies for, but the the films don’t become ads for the designer or anything, like the way Jean Paul Gaultier’s designs function in The Fifth Element or something. Theme song is sung by Al Hibbler, who cut a LP with Roland Kirk.

5 AGAINST THE HOUSE (1955) dir. Phil Karlson

Criterion Channel has a collection of noir films Columbia put out, this is one of them, with a pretty good-sounding premise: Kim Novak is a part of a group of college friends that set out to rob a casino, but one of the group’s PTSD sabotages it. It ends up not really working as a heist film, for a number of reasons, one is that the “perfect crime” they engineer is not that intricate, the other, more important element is the characters are unbearably smug in a way that makes them really hard to deal with. Novak’s good in it, but no one else is: While the men are supposed to be funny, but aren’t, Novak sort of just has to be beautiful. She sings songs in this, and maybe there’s a voice double, but it seems she has a good singing voice. You can probably skip this one.

THE BIG HEAT (1953) dir. Fritz Lang

Not as masterful as the films Lang made in Germany, but still really good. A cop investigating a murder quickly gathers that a conspiracy is afoot, people make mysterious phone calls immediately after he interviews them, he gets his life destroyed, but keeps going. Gloria Grahame (who’s also in Nicholas Ray’s amazing In A Lonely Place) is great as a gangster’s party-girl-who-loves-money girlfriend who has her beauty and then her life taken away from her. There is an element of feeling like you’re seeing cliches be run through their paces, but I don’t mind, given the pacing. It’s mean enough you don’t know how dark it’s going to get. Jocelyn Brando, Marlon’s sister who also appears in Nightfall, gets a nice role in this.

MURDER BY CONTRACT (1958) dir. Irving Lerner

Oh, this one rules! Although I knew none of the people involved in it, everybody’s great. It feels slow as you watch it, it’s deliberately paced and seems to appreciate every scene on its own terms as a point of interest, rather than rushing through a plot. The score seems like it’s very close to just one instrumental piece, being used over and over again. About a dude, (who’s also in Kubrick’s The Killing, it turns out) becoming a professional hitman, and then flying out to California for a bigger job, where he has two people minding him. The hitman’s psychosis is not over the top, he just seems very self-contained, in a way that gets a lot of (almost) comedic mileage out of his interaction with other people

INVENTION FOR DESTRUCTION (1958) dir. Marel Zeman

This movie looks REAL weird and I have no idea how they got the effect? The degree of artificiality is highly distracting, in a way I don’t have a problem with in Guy Maddin or whoever. The whole thing sort of looks like the portraits of people that run in The Wall Street Journal? There are lines on EVERYTHING, like the sets are being made in this patterned way to replace color values. Everything looks artificial, but also collaged together. “Freely adapted” from Jules Verne, this involves boats, explosions, heists, etc. but all done in this sort of deep-focus theatrical staging that seems to combine animation and live action but in a way I can’t work out but also isn’t enveloping or convincing.

MAY FOOLS (1980) dir. Louis Malle.

I like a lot of Louis Malle, this seems vaguely like a deep cut, as I believe it’s unavailable on DVD. It takes place in France during the May ’68 protests, but is about a family getting together for a funeral/reading of a will. It’s suffused with weird free-flowing sexual energy, like everyone’s down to commit incest? Sort of in the name of revolution, but understandable as a movie in terms of being very french, and maybe something of a light comedy. (While Murmur Of The Heart also has incest in it, and is not a comedy, it’s very French.) People flirt with each other a lot, this is a pleasant watch if you are under quarantine and are fantasizing about casual sex or the overthrowing of the political class.

MON ONCLE D’AMERIQUE (1980) dir. Alain Resnais

This, too, is very French. The spine of the movie is Henri Laborit lecturing, lending the film an essayistic aspect, illustrated with footage of lab rats, but also footage of people wearing mouse heads and human clothes, the best parts. The guy’s theories seem agreeable to me but I don’t know what other people think about them. They’re illustrated by the fictional life stories of three characters, whose lives intersect eventually in their adulthood, though the film starts with them as children. Resnais is interesting, I’ve seen very few of his films but they’re all radically unique, though united by this intellectual edge.

FUGITIVE KIND (1960) dir. Sidney Lumet

Lumet also had a long and varied career, but I essentially view him as a highly-skilled journeyman, I guess due to snobbish bias gleaned from secondhand takes. I’ll watch pretty much any of his movies though, and so I watched this Tennessee Williams adaptation. Not sure I’d seen Marlon Brando in anything before, though I thought it was funny to say I possessed “the raw sexuality of a young Marlon Brando” in college. This whole movie is about how hot Brando is, and how all women want to fuck him and how all the men resent him. You would think the heterosexual male default would be to not notice how hot a dude is, but Brando is both physically ripped but with a feminine face that makes me “get it.” There’s a poetry to his sensitivity, but also an element of threat to how basically everyone who gets along with him is at odds with the racist, patriarchal, and parochial attitudes of the small towns he travels through.

MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS (1974) dir. Sidney Lumer

This is an Agatha Christie adaptation, where Hercule Poirot is played by Albert Finney, amongst a large cast of huge stars who are both hamming it up and not really doing anything. After watching two movies with Natasha Richardson, was nice to see her mom Vanessa Redgrave in something, though it’s a small part. The ending, where the detective works out that everyone schemed to commit the murder together and then decides that he will let them all get away with it, is fun, though by and large the “comedy” here feels a bit dated. This kinda feels like something that you would’ve seen already after having caught bits and pieces of it on basic cable growing up.

[orangeseoks]

low-life // k.sj

[ disclaimer! ]

this is of pure fiction and is NOT to be taken seriously! this was literally written for fun,, i might make it a series btw let me know what you think! :))

- i also write using ‘ i ‘ rather than ‘ you ‘ ,, fanfic writing habit xD -

buckle up and enjoy the ride,, love you all!

[ unedited ]

[ all rights reserved @orangeseoks ]

Chatter, constant chatter, that’s all that’s heard and probably all that my poor ears ever will hear.

With a frown, I kick my legs back and forth in an effort to occupy myself as I listen to the conversation between my dad and one of the staff members at the loaners. Or in other words, the only place we get money from.

Sure there’s the bank but they pay piss all and is we come to a loaner, at least we can enough to pay for rent etc.

Scoffing, I look up and watch as a tall man with broad shoulders walks past me, tossing me sly side glance. Gulping, I sit up and adjust my simple black shirt giving him a small smile to be polite.

The man merely chuckles and tips his head toward me before he’s greeted by a staff member. My senses gradually calm as the man has his back facing me- sure, he’s handsome and all, but am I going to be like fifteen year old me and check him out as often as possible?

I bloody hope not.

“Oh fuck me,” I mutter oh-so quietly to myself as my eyes somehow find my way over to his broad figure. I hate myself for doing but I can’t stop.

Something- Something about him just attracts me, and its killing me.

“-Lets go.” My dad says as he shoves the new green card into his pocket and waits for me to gather myself. I give him a blunt ‘yeah’ and grab my bag whilst the two of us exit the large building.

Me being me, I turn my head almost every step of the way just to look at him; that man. And hopefully- hopefully have him staring back at me just the same.

Like one of those romance movies where the two mains find their soulmates.

Stupid, I think as I face forward to push the heavy glass door open. Once stepping outside I take one last glance before crossing the street, and to my utter shock there he is; the man. His lips parted and his eyes right on me, the staff member in front of him growing annoyed at this.

Smiling shyly, I tip my head and run across the road in a hurry as my father is already much ahead of me. 

_________________________________________

Upon our arrival home I can’t help but think of that man and who is, if he’s some sort of idol. Or maybe a restaurant owner, or maybe even some sort of business man!

“Ahhh!” I cry out, throwing my bag across my room, not caring about what’s knocked over by it and toss myself onto my bed face first. “Stop thinking about him you frickn loser.” I tell myself angrily, pissed at the fact that I haven’t gotten over some gorgeous stranger I saw when getting a loan.

Pouting, I face my ugly ceiling and contemplate on my life, if its all really worth it.

Sighing loudly, I face palm myself, my body automatically sitting up so I can change out of my current fit. 

I stare at myself in the mirror and I tie my hair into a tiny-ass ponytail, but because its been cut so short its harder than usual. Twirling just a little I watch as my loosely fitted shirt puffs with the air flowing through my room.

Rolling my eyes, I stomp out of my room to pig out on the fruit we have stored at the bottom of the fridge, tucked nicely into a drawer beneath the lower shelf is.

Grabbing a plum along with a nice red apple, I march back into my room and check my notifications that continue to fill the screen of my laptop, sighing I clear the ones that aren’t that important.

“Oh-” I start as an unexpected notification comes up from Twitter, chuckling I open the app and respond to the message sent by my close friend. 

@/taco_desu

- i’ve been banned from my phone again,, so i had to come back to twitter 

                                                                                                         me

                                                   and that concerns me how exactly? -

@/taco_desu

- oh cut the attitude you piece of shit

- i sent you a message to ask if you wanted to go out tonight

                                                                                                        me

                               hmm, sure,,,,,,, where exactly are we going btw -

@/taco_desu

- dunno yet :))

Clicking my tongue I push my laptop away from me as I find myself looking for another set of clothes to change into.

_________________________________________

With a sigh, I ruffle my hair as I follow behind the awfully large group of people my friend has decided to bring along with us, I knew there’d be quite a few, but I didn’t expect a whole class worth.

“Oi, Jess,” I speak out of the blue tapping the preoccupied girl on the shoulder. She growls at his and turns to face me with an annoyed look on her caked face, “what is it?” She questions bluntly.

“Oh, I dunno..” I start pausing for a moment so I can glare at her, “maybe its just the fact that there’s a mix of strangers and our actual friends here.”

“So what?” She snaps back with an eye roll following after, “so what?” I repeat, trying my hardest not to lose my temper with her.

“I don’t know these people, man, at least tell me before hand.”

Jess sighs and places her arm onto my shoulder and continues to walk forward along with the rest of us, “you need to socialise. Being all cooped up in your room isn’t healthy.”

“Besides, you might enjoy tonight,” Jess finishes with a mere raise of the eyebrow. My jaw dropping I stare at her in shock, “no. You wouldn’t dare-”

“-Don’t under mind me missy, I did pass mathematics after all.”

Scoffing, I playfully shove her away from me with a low chuckle erupting from the depths of my chest. Jess laughs at this and decides to run off towards the front of the group, shaking my head I grin and shove my hands into the pockets of my hoodie.

Maybe things won’t go badly, a bit of banter won’t hurt.

Kicking a stone, I watch as it hops along the concrete and onto the road getting hit immediately by a passing car. Scrunching up my nose I let out a frustrated huff and find something else to pass some time, our large group not seeming to stop anytime soon on our walk.

_________________________________________

My eyes wide and my mouth gaping, I stare in complete shock at what is before me, “your kidding!” I yell, turning to face everyone. “We’re not going there!?”

“Don’t worry about it!” One girl shouts from the back of the crowd, tossing me a reassuring smile. “Yeah, its not like your going to sing anyways.” Jess adds with a cheeky smirk.

Poking my tongue out at her I follow behind and embrace the incredible design of the room we’ve rented for karaoke.

Nodding my head, I settle with whats to come and just enjoy the many snacks and beverages on the coffee table. “They even have cup ramen!” Jess chimes in amazement.

Holding back a smile, I take a can Pepsi and sip at the refreshing drink. “Hey,” I start taking another quick gulp of my drink, “isn’t this your uncles workplace?”

Clearing her throat, Jess scratches her neck and stuffs her cheeks with sweets. “That explains all the extras.” I finish, leaning back and kicking my feet up on the coffee table.

Jess rolls her eyes at me, harshly switching on the large t.v, along with the speaker and mics.

And the singing begins.

Screaming on the top of our lungs, we sing loud enough to cause an earthquake, our bodies jumping to the beat of the music and coming up with our own dance moves.

Myself and Jess both share a mic, our voices combining with one-another as we practically own the rap. Occasionally stopping for a random laugh or just to catch our breaths.

Breaking into a fit of laugher, I drop to my knees and hold my gut as I can feel it tightening with each small breath I draw in between laughs.

“You guys suck!” A girl screeches as she teasingly hits someone, a giggle escaping her lips, I smile at this and crawl over to a clear spot on the floor and lay down in an attempt to calm myself down since I have the sudden urge to go full crackhead.

I let out a low breath, closing my eyes as the hot room temperature finally hits me and the slight sweat that coats my face now annoying me. Patting my covered hand along my face, I get rid of any sweat that I can feel and push my bangs out of my face so my forehead can breathe.

“Aish! Where’s the air con!” I yell from the the floor, completely frustrated but not enough to make me stop laughing. Chuckling, I sigh and fan myself. My body gradually growing limp and tired, my eyes eventually close and I fall into a blissful current of angelic sleep.

_________________________________________

Groaning, I rub at the corners of my eyes and sit up, tired and in a lot of pain I look around the room to find no-one. Not a single soul, only the mess left behind and a mic torn from its wire, along with snack wrappers stuffed into vent spaces.

“Of course,” I sigh, scratching my cheek. “They ditched me and left all the mess.”

Slowly, I stand up, “oh-” a voice speaks from behind me. Surprised, I jump almost a mile high, clutching my chest as I turn to face them.

“You scared.. me-” My sentence trails off as I find myself face-to-face with the man from earlier today. Swallowing hard, I grow somewhat awkward around him and clear my throat.

“I saw you earlier, you were waiting for someone, right?”

“I, um.. Yeah.” I respond shyly, pulling the cuffs of my oversized sweatshirt over my hands in a way to distract myself. The man snickers at this, following a nod.

“It- It was my dad actually,” adding onto my sentence I mentally face palm myself for stuttering, how embarrassing.

The man smiles and brushes past me, “you were out for awhile.”

“I what?”

“You’ve been knocked out over there for almost four hours, I’m surprised you haven’t noticed the time.”

Time. Oh my god-

The time!

My eyes suddenly grow wide as I eagerly search through my pockets to find my phone, holding it up I check the time and to my complete shock I see that its pretty much 11PM.

And I arrived at around four.

“I need to go home, holy shit.” Mumbling under my breath, I hurriedly pick up some of the rubbish that’s laying around and toss it into a nearby bin. My legs instantly picking up their pace and racing toward the door.

“Where a-bouts do you live, I could drop you off?”

Halting my steps, I turn to face the man- giving him a soft smile. “Thank you, but I can get home on my own.”

Humming, the man stops what he’s doing and walks over to me. Gulping, I take a hesitant step back and stare up at this tree of a man.

A handsome tree of a man.

“Jess gave me your address so I can drop you off, its not like I’m some weird creep anyways-”

Crossing my arms over my chest, I raise a brow and nod, “sure thing.” I reply dryly earning a tsk from the man in front of me. “Jin, I’m Jin, you know that cousin she’s always talking about?”

I nod, “yeah well that’s me. Do you still think I’m a creep now, huh?”

“I dunno..” My response is far from polite, I give the man a cheeky grin and raise both my eyebrows in a way to annoy him. He laughs at this and takes out his car keys.

“Hurry up before I change my mind.”

“I-” My mouth hangs open as Jin brushes past me with the most gorgeous smile I’ve ever seen, his round cheeks standing proud and his lips plump as ever.

I think I’m in love.

I quickly hit myself in the head, breaking into a jog to catch up with Jin, “snail!” Is all he says as the two of us enter the parking lot, the lights of a clean black car shining in the distance.

With a huff, I walk beside him with my hands buried in my pockets.

Jin laughs, opening the passenger door for me, I scoff and seat myself in the comfortable car that smelt of sweet vanilla, a hint of cologne also wandering the inside of the car.

“You seemed nicer in the stories I was told,” is all I say whilst pulling my seat belt over me. Jin hums at this and drives out of the large parking lot, his side profile catching me off guard.

“You shouldn’t stare a people, its rude.”

_________________________________________

The two of us walk over to me doorstep, being sure not to trip over anything in the process. With a sigh I place my onto the doorknob, turning to face Jin.

“Thanks.. I guess.”

Jin smiles and looks down shyly before looking back up at me, his eyes bright and sparkly despite the ever growing darkness of night. 

“Anytime,” and with that he tips his head just as he did in the loaners and walks off and away from me. His figure never leaving my sight.

“Drive safely!” I call out to him, raising my hand into the air, watching as he waves out to me. “I will! Goodnight!”

A soft smile graces my lips as he pulls out of my driveway, the back lights of his car just visible from the road.

And then.. He’s gone.

[niallismymuse]

Chapter 1

At the sound of the alarm clock on her phone ringing obnoxiously, Tessa rolled over with a groan and grabbed it, pressing ‘stop’ quickly to get the incessant noise to cease. With a sigh of relief, she burrowed further under her covers and squinted up at the bright screen. Grumbling, she turned the brightness down and started to thumb through her notifications.

It was 9:01 AM and she had quite the to-do list to accomplish today. Some of it she was excited about – she had a video on the Shakespeare play Othelloto edit, and she was interested in really looking through the footage. It was part of a reading review series she had started a few months ago, in which she read a book or play or something similar, discussed it, and then poorly acted out a few of her favorite scenes. Unsurprisingly, it was a huge process, but mostly because she made it harder for herself by using accents when required andfinding clothing that would fit with the story. Luckily, she lived in LA, and there were costumes galore available. The series was well-liked on her channel though, making the whole process worth it.

She also had to answer some emails that involved sponsors and other work opportunities. Some of them she would delete after reading, and some of them she would respond to. God, she had so many emails.

Then there was the other thing she needed to do today: continue looking for a roommate. Tessa was really dragging her feet on this, and it was starting to affect her budget. She made a good amount of money, and she could definitely afford this apartment by herself, but it cut into her other funds. And besides, why would she need a two-bedroom apartment to herself?

She could always move out and into a smaller, cheaper apartment, but she was attached to this one. All of the little knick-knacks she had collected throughout her life were proudly displayed throughout it. Her bedroom was her haven, and damn if she didn’t like her natural-light kitchen. She and Jess had gotten solucky with it.

Speaking of Jess. Tessa opened up her messages and scrolled to find Jess’ name, and then clicked on the thread. Sure enough, nothing had changed – Jess still hadn’t answered her, despite the fact that it was a text that required an answer.

I still have a Christmas gift for you, want me to drop it off?Tessa had sent two days ago. It showed delivered underneath.

Jess wasn’t answering her. Tessa didn’t really know why. They had grown distant since Jess had moved in with Lyrica back in June, nearly seven months ago. She almost wondered if Lyr had been talking shit, but that wasn’t like her, and besides, Jess was the one who knew all of her dirty secrets.

It was like they were suddenly ten feet apart when, for all of their lives, they had been joined at the hip. It had started with Jess becoming ‘too busy’ and escalated to this. It sucked. Her feelings were hurt. She didn’t understand what she had done wrong – how could her best friend just drop her like this?

Tessa was ready to wallow in bed for another fifteen minutes, but another text suddenly came in, and her whole day brightened. It was from Niall. Niall Horan. The man she had met at Jess’ moving-in party, the pop-star celebrity…her friend. She and Niall were friends now.

She tapped to open it. Wanna get drinks tonight?The message read, and everythingin her stomach fluttered and flipped. She almost started to type out a message, but she restrained herself, not wanting to appear too quick to respond or anything else weird according to today’s social standards.

Yes, she was into Niall. That alsosucked, because as far as she could tell, he didn’t like her back. He was just as friendly as he was the night they had met, and boydid she have it bad for him. It was a huge crush. She liked his smile. She liked his laugh. She liked the way he laughed and smiled often, and how his blue eyes twinkled whenever he looked at her. She liked how he always talked with his hands. She liked how he didn’t ever really seem to get angry, and she liked how passionate he was about music.

Tessa justlikedhim, and she had done everything she could to get rid of those pesky feelings. She had even hooked up with a guy at a bar a month ago, because, as they say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It was a risky move on her part, considering she made her living on the Internet and was bound to be recognized by certain people. And while the sex had been perfectly satisfactory, it hadn’t gotten her mind off of Niall.

In fact, it had made her wonder what it would have been like to have Niall’s hands roaming over her skin, and Niall’s lips on her neck. Usually she saved those daydreams for when she was very wine drunk, but, well.

With a scream of primal, pent-up lust, Tessa buried her face into her pillow. Apparently, it wasn’t just rum and coke that got her going.

After taking a few minutes to gather herself, she answered him, replying with, Of course! What time? Before forcing herself to set her phone aside and get out of bed. She wouldn’t get all of her shit done in time for drinks if she lazed about all day.

With a quick stretch, Tessa headed into the bathroom and showered under a cold stream of water, teeth chattering the whole time. Somewhat ironically, under the freezing spray, her thoughts turned back to Jess. Maybe everything would be worked out at the annual New Year’s trip in three days.

They had a tradition with their friends where, every year, they would all chip in and rent a cabin at Big Sur Campground and Cabins, inside Pfeiffer Big Sur State Park. They would drink and laugh and go on the trails, the restaurants, cook, anything and everything. It was a huge amount of fun, and despite the current iciness between her and Jess, she was looking forward to the trip.

Maybe she would invite Niall along. Ryan was always complaining about being outnumbered by the women – it was her, Jess and Lyr, and their other friend Melody – and he still would be, but he wouldn’t be alone.

Deciding to be nice to herself now that her thoughts were off of Niall and those hands of his, Tessa turned the water to warm and finished her shower. After getting dressed in some lounging pants and a thin hoodie, she set herself up at her desk and checked her phone. Niall had suggested 6pm, and she responded with a thumbs up emoji before setting her phone aside and getting to work.

After browsing through her emails, Tessa focused on editing her video on Othello, and to take a break a few hours later, she made some lunch. After munching on a sandwich, she finished up her editing for the day, which left only minor clips to work on tomorrow.

And that, essentially, was Tessa’s day. It was pretty boring and slightly lonely, and she didn’t look into getting a new roommate, but at least she had the night out with Niall to look forward to. At around 5 she started getting ready, dressing in a pair of jeans that really made her ass pop out and a nice, deep red-colored blouse and some cute booties. Because it was winter, she grabbed a black coat that didn’t clash, though she might not need it since she lived in LA. She did a little bit of makeup – just foundation and powder, a touch of blush and highlight, and some mascara.

She used to not know how to do anyof that shit, which was what actually had propelled her towards YouTube. She had seen so many makeup tutorials on the website and decided to make an anti-tutorial – she titled it, ‘I Don’t Know How to Do This Stuff’, attempted to put on eyeshadow and eyeliner, and it went kind of viral. That was back when she was in college; and to this day, she still couldn’t use liquid or pencil eyeliner properly.

Tessa just wanted to look nice – she wanted Niall to see what he was missing, but not in a desperate way.

After checking the time, she hopped into her car and plugged the pub Niall had said he would meet her at into her maps app. It was a fifteen-minute ride, and she arrived at 5:56. Without waiting a second more, she headed into the bar with her coat on and her purse strewn over her shoulder.

It was a bit of a hole-in-the-wall type of place, she could tell right away. It had that sort of vibe – and it wastucked into a place she didn’t expect, actually behind a Trader Joe’s, which was oddly convenient. Sometimes shopping sucked and getting a drink to calm your nerves after wasn’t a bad idea.

Tessa spotted Niall right away; there was hardly anyone else in the bar, and her eyes had a tendency to gravitate towards him. He was dressed in light blue jeans with a navy button-down, buttoned most of the way up but exposing some of that dark chest hair that she sowanted to tug on. Was he trying to make her lose her mind?

Woah, Tessa,she thought to herself, rein it in, girl.

With a huge smile stretching her lips wide, Tessa maneuvered around tables to get to Niall. When he spotted her, his eyes lit up, and he hopped out of his chair and came to greet her. He wrapped his arms around her, giving her a tight squeeze, and she couldn’t help but hug him back, her hands coming to press tightly against his back.

“Tess! So lovely to see ya,” Niall grinned and pulled away, and she tried to ignore how her heart fluttered at the nickname. Tess. Maybe out of someone else’s mouth it would have bothered her, but coming from Niall, it just sounded right. “It’s been a while, love. I’m glad we can catch up.”

He gestured towards the booth he had claimed, tucked in towards the back corner, and she smiled and led the way back. “It’s so nice to see you,” she replied, trying her hardest not to sound like she was gushing.

In truth, it had been almost a month since she had seen him. He had gone home to London for Christmas, and had arrived back in town yesterday, she believed. It was nice to think she had been one of his top priorities upon coming back to LA. “How was London?” Tessa asked as she scooted inside of the booth, setting her purse down beside her. Niall sat across from her, bracing his arms on the table between them.

“Fuckin’ cold,” he grumbled, “London is cold as shit this time of year, which is why I’m back in LA.”

“Mm, I can imagine. Is it terrible that I find this weather to be kind of chilly?”

“You should travel to London and see how you feel about this weather once you come back.”

They both laughed, and after a few more minutes of conversation, Niall left to order some beers, Stella Artois for her and whatever the hell he was getting. Niall had taken the card she had forced into his hand to pay, but he had a habit of paying forher, so she had no idea if he would use it or not.

God. Tessa took a deep breath in and slowly pushed it out, trying to settle her nerves. She was oddly nervous. And pining for him long-distance was so different compared to pining for him when he was right here in front of her. She was trying her hardest to keep her cool, but he was hereand so good-looking and kind and funny that she didn’t know how she was going to handle it. Hopefully the beer would help; she had forgotten the allure he had on her in person.

Once Niall was back, he passed her a beer and her debit card, flashing her a smile and a wink that made her cheeks flush and told her that he had, in fact, bought her drink. “You fiend,” she mumbled as she tucked her card away, “gonna go get my own drinks from now on.”

Niall chuckled and took a drink of his beer, and Tessa did the same, praising whatever gods above that alcohol existed. She could use a nice buzz.

“Did ya have a nice Christmas?” he asked, eyes intently focused on her. Tessa found herself studying him in response, noticing the stubble that adorned his cheeks and jaw, and how his shirt brought out the blue in his eyes.

“I did,” she answered, taking another swig after tearing her eyes off of him, “it was nice, quiet. I visited my mom, made sure everyone in the family got their gifts. How about you?”

“Mine was a little less quiet. Might have gotten quite a bit drunk,” Niall muttered, coughing into his fist. “Ya know, the holidays just bring out the drunk old man in me. I was almost ready to go to bed at like, 8pm.”

Tessa laughed. “You and I are alike in our old age,” she teased, “I get wine in my hand, and then I’m ready to pass out in like two hours.”

Niall snorted. “Tess, you can just about drink me under the table. I don’t believe ya.”

She lifted her beer bottle up. “Ah yes, with beer and maybetequila, on a good day. But wine? That fucker knocks me out. AfterI get super wine-drunk, though. That’s typically when I watch my murder documentaries.”

His eyes widened. “Your what? Are ya tellin’ me that you get drunk and watch murder shows? Doesn’t that, like, freak you out?”

Tessa shook her head. “Nah. As previously mentioned, I watch them and promptly pass the fuck out. So, I’m good, Ni.” She grinned; she had never called him that before, but he had given her a nickname, so she felt it fair. And it felt good, too.

“Christ, Tess. You’re mental.”

The bar started to fill up as they laughed and bantered, catching up. The more drinks she got in her, the bolder she became. When Niall told a joke, she even laughed and placed her hand on his arm, the classic flirty move. He didn’t seem to mind at all, merely smiling at her, eyes crinkled up at the edges. She let her hand rest there for a moment before moving on – she knew how to do this. That guy she had hooked up with a month ago had stood zero chance against her charms.

“Ya know, Tess, whenever I don’t see you for a while, I go and binge some of my favorite videos of yours.” Niall admitted hours later. There was a mottled red to his face and neck – he was drunk. Not badly, but enough that she could tell, and she knew he was definitely feeling it.

But Tessa was drunk too. There was a buzz in her brain, and she was livingfor it.

“Aw,” she pouted out, “that’s so sweet. I can’t believe you even like my videos. They’re ridiculous.”

“They’re funny,” he countered. “You’re funny, Tess. I can’t imagine anyone disliking you or your videos.”

“I do have a few haters,” she said after thinking for a minute. “Wait, do you want to see the first hate comment I got? I screenshot it.” Without waiting for his response, Tessa dug her phone out of her purse and scrolled back in her photos, squinting at her screen. After about a minute of searching, she found it and tapped on it. “Here! Look at this beauty.”

It had been posted under her first video; she cackled to see it now and passed the phone over to Niall. It read ‘so a fat bitch doesn’t know how to put makeup on. What else is new? Get over yourself’. It was the funniest shit to her, and she couldn’t stop giggling as she took her phone back from Ni when he handed it to her, but when she looked at him, he wasn’t laughing with her.

In fact, he looked kind of sad. He was frowning, lashes lowered, like he was studying the table they were sitting at. “That’s mean. You’re not any of those things, Tess.”

She blinked in surprise, caught off guard by this sudden change of emotion. “No, Niall, I’m a bitch overall, a badass bitch in fact. And also, I believe I’m average sized, but whatever. It doesn’t bother me. People are going to say that they’re going to say. The most I can do is laugh and move on.”

“Good. Good, I’m glad, because ya certainly don’t deserve that sort of treatment.” The venom in Niall’s voice surprised her even more; he looked upset still, that frown further etched into the crevices of his face.

“Ni, what’s wrong? It doesn’t bother me, really. Drunk or sober.” She reached across the table and grabbed his hand; a total Drunk Tessa move. But she wasn’t trying to flirt with him. She just wanted him to smile again and be happy. “I mean, you know this kind of hate. We both get it.”

He sighed and let her hold his hand, stroking his thumb over the top of hers. It made her shiver, in the best way. “I know. But that shit hurts too, especially when you’re young. I didn’t and don’t deserve it, and neither do you.” His voice was firm at the end, adamant. She could see how strongly he believed this in his eyes, felt it in the grip he had on her hand.

It felt like a moment where she could lean over and kiss him.

But she didn’t, and the moment broke when she smiled and murmured a quiet “thank you” and the conversation moved on.

Another hour later, and she was ready to call it. She called for an Uber on the app, and made sure Niall did the same, even though he protested. “You may be Irish, but it doesn’t make you immune to car crashes.” She had told him, and though sullen-looking, he had agreed and gotten one.

Hers came first, of course. Niall walked her out, and before she got inside the car, Tessa leaned in and wrapped him in another fierce hug. “I’ll see you again soon, yeah?” she asked, still not letting go.

Niall wrapped his arms back around her, rubbing her back gently. “Yeah, ‘course Tess. Ya know I love to see ya. Text me when you get home, okay?”

The concern in his voice made her heart melt, and before she could think twice about it, Tessa pulled away and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “Bye, Niall.” She smiled softly at him and got into the car, leaving him looking half-stunned on the sidewalk.

As the car drove away, she could have sworn that he reached up and touched his cheek right where she had kissed it.

join the taglist / talk to me about this / story page

taglist: @angryniall @stylishmuser @confusedkiwifan @irish-nlessing @takemedancingmaine @hap-ppy-days-van-ish-ed @stayclose-holdsteady

[sparkledeerfr]

Other people: Work for years to gain power, notoriety, and a title.

Adeline: WHY GUYS

(Yup, it’s the slight continuation of this. No warnings.)

“OKAY,” Adeline said, putting both hands on the podium and gripping it, trying not to let her frustration boil over as she stared down at the papers in front of her. They had gathered in the city square to hear the results of the vote, a thing that rarely happened, and there had never been this many people that had decided to show up.

That they had set out folding chairs and a drink and snack table and were now all looking up at her, trying not to giggle, told her they knew exactly what they’d done, and if one person wasn’t directly involved they still wanted to watch this. Even August and Jesse were hanging out at the back, clearly entertained.

“First of all I’d like to remind everyone what happened with the last two votes,” Adeline started. “‘What Should Our Emblem Be’ had the top three picks of, and I quote: ‘One) A Bagel. Two) A Butt, and Three) A Nice Butt.’” There were scattered giggles across those gathered, maybe from what she said and maybe because they knew she was mad at them and thought it was hilarious. Probably that one. “Our last attempt to name the overall city ended up with five people voting, and the top result was ‘Robot Moron Empire’.”

She paused to lean on the podium and look out over the gathered crowd, most looking back up at her with a smile, waiting. Might as well get this over with. “So how in the hell,” she paused again when she heard an ‘oooo’ from someone at the swear. “With sixty-seven percent participation-”

“Missed it by two!” Sparks called out.

“Did this get voted in?” Adeline continued. She glanced to West who was casually leaning back with his arm slung over the back of the chair, flanked by Sparks, Viltri and Sefka. “Granted there were two votes for ‘No’,” she said in a lower voice, knowing those two came from Katsu and Walter respectively. “And three for ‘water slide’ but…”

“That was us,” August said, leaning over to talk to Jesse in a lower voice. She nodded and patted his shoulder. “Woulda been neat, is all I’m saying.”

“Stop stalling and read it!” West said in a rare moment of him raising his voice.

“Fine, fine,” Adeline muttered, staring down at the paragraph in front of her. “‘In regards to what should be done about The Castle, it shall be put in place that from the moment of this being voted in and read, that it will serve as Adeline’s new office space. Adeline will live in The Castle and will henceforth be granted the title of….Queen,” she faltered at the word and looked up with a sigh, everyone attempting to sit still and waiting for her to finish. “Failure to do so on the part of Adeline will result in new titles and honorifics being added on a once per week basis until this law is complied with. Examples include ‘Empress’, ‘Pope’ and ‘Blessed Holy Wanderer.’ More elaborate items of clothing and headwear will also be purchased in accordance said timeline, the money coming from the account listed in...you know what I’m skipping that part.”

“Time starts now by the way!”

“‘The Castle will be used as Adeline sees fit, including continuing the allowance of those already in said castle and office to reside there or move. PS- We voted this in so you either have to do it or you can ignore us and admit laws are bullshit. Ha ha got you now, sucker’,” she finished, rubbing the bridge of her nose with a finger. “Who the hell wrote this?”

West raised a hand. “Viltri helped,” he said when Ade’s eyes landed on him.

“I- I just added a few things,” Viltri replied, trying not to stammer at being singled out. “To make it more clear, you understand.”

“Yep...yep I do,” Adeline said, nodding. “Well, I’m going to take a few minutes to think about this. Thank you all for coming and participating, I hate all of you except apparently like twelve of you. You’re welcome to stay and chat or drink.”

“Oh man, we get to do a castlewarming and coronation party!” Sparks said, raising both her hands as Adeline walked away and into the winding streets of the city, intent on finding Walter. She didn’t notice that one figure raised from his seat and followed.

----

“Addeeeee,” Grenfell said, watching her eye a building that she was about to climb up. She paused and turned around.

“Yeah, Gren?” she said, sighing and reaching out for Pietro, who climbed from his father’s shoulders and into her arms. It was kind of weird holding him, as he felt somewhat...soft, like a hairless animal covered in strange adornments, but he liked being petted. “He’s still kinda skinny. Has he been eating?” Adeline asked, looking down and scratching gently on his neck.

“Yes, he eats quite a bit,” Grenfell said. “Remember I had to apologise for it.”

“He ate someone’s pet,” Adeline replied, continuing to scratch as Pietro’s odd sickly purr started up. He was directly in between ‘kind of sweet’ and ‘something that might burrow directly into your midsection’, but thus far giving him affection when he wanted had worked. “He might have a blockage. That happens with animals sometimes.”

“Look he’s fine, and that person should maybe have thought about teaching their stupid fangar to run faster,” Grenfell said, snarling and showing those long fangs he had. “You’re distracting me. Shut up a second and let me think of what I was going to say.” She waited, knowing him snapping was irritation at having lost his train of thought, not any actual anger directed at her. “Ah! Yes! I wanted to tell you that I’d be very happy to formally give ownership of the city over to you, since I technically built it. That combined with Nimue releasing the castle will make everything official. A short line but a long history here, one might say.”

“That’s...” she said, crossing her arms under Pietro and holding him like a baby. He noticed that she seemed drained and tired as she looked up and closed her eyes. “My problem isn’t the legality or lineage or whatever.”

“Then,” he said, tilting his head, not understanding. “What is? Most people would be very happy to be royalty, and it could be fun.”

“Gren,” she said, taking out a hand and clutching her fingers slightly in irritation as her voice changed to a sort of raised whisper, the tone people used when they wanted to yell but didn’t want anyone else to actually hear them. “I have no idea how to run a damn kingdom! None! I have no training! I don’t know how any of that works! And neither does anyone else aside from West, who won’t tell me because he thinks it’s funny! Everyone’s lucky I know how to goddamn read considering my background, and now I’ve just gotta stumble through figuring out how to be royalty? It's not some joke- everyone expects things from a Queen and I’m not it.” Grenfell pulled his head back slightly, assessing what she said for a moment as Adeline touched the hand to her forehead. “Look, you didn’t-” she started when he began laughing.

The laughter continued for longer than probably necessary, him bending over and putting a hand on a knee. “That’s it? That’s the problem?” he said in between gasps as though he had to get his breath back. Pietro’s stolen dog ears perked as he watched this play out.

“Yeah, I mean,” she said, tucking the hand back under Piet. “There’s a huge difference between being some resort town and being a kingdom. It's a whole different game and ...I don’t know if I can play it. I don’t want to put everyone in danger.”

“My, I forget how limited people’s thinking is,” Gren said, straightening himself. “Don’t you get it, Adeline? It's all made up! Rules, laws, formality, it's all a game like you said. Do you think the gods descended and declared what the proper fork to use is?”

“I...” Adeline paused, bouncing Pietro nervously. “I guess not?”

“Everyone’s stuck in a little box, hoping that the other person won’t figure out that they’re not holding all the right cards. They say things like ‘When I rule’, never thinking that they should destroy the rules, keeping that power structure that they hate intact and thinking themselves better than the last fool in the slot. Even I gained the title of King, through no effort and with no one to rule, because people want to quantify things. It's all fake, Adeline,” he reached out and touched her on the shoulder. “Do you know why I am so very proud of my son? He was born knowing this. There are no rules to being a person, or a people, and there are no rules that will save you in the end. You make up your own game and then everyone else has to play it if you tell them to. The more you put them off balance the more you reveal their flaws instead of your own.”

“That’s...weirdly inspiring. Thanks,” Adeline said, looking down to Pietro. Yeah, she could definitely see what he was talking about. “I guess I just don’t want to disappoint people, or offend someone.”

“Please,” he said, waving a hand. “There are tyrants of all stripes all across the globe, and they don’t often stay up at night worrying about such things. I think your particular brand of leadership would be refreshing rather than irritating. No matter how hard you push your morality would stop you far before someone else would.”

“Even if Etzel sometimes gets mad that I eat with my hands when I’m not supposed to?”

“See? That’s fun. I want to see what game you come up with.”

---

She walked back to the office, intent on taking at least the night to mull things over.

She hated that stupid castle. It was a huge nightmare of a building, one Grenfell couldn’t keep and one that each time she looked up at it reminded her of what would happen if she failed. She’d probably end up like Nimue had- angry, holing herself up and blaming herself for what had happened to her friends and charges. There was nothing good about the place, really, and now she was expected to live in it? Maybe she could talk them out of that after a week or so.

Adeline paused in her thoughts when she saw March walking up to her. Alone, which was unusual, aside from the times when he’d get bored and want to spar for fun. It had never been particularly fun on her end, but he was definitely teaching her how to take a punch, and maybe one day she’d actually win.

Well. Probably not, but it was good practice. He wasn’t doing his normal fast paced walk towards her if that’s what he wanted. “Yeah bud, what’s up?” she asked him. March stopped about a foot away from her, crossing his arms and tilting his head.

Usually that meant he wanted to know something. He raised a hand and slowly signed out: “Queen now?”

She let out another irritated and defeated sigh. It seemed that’s all she was doing tonight. “I...I don’t know. I guess?” He was just standing there, head tilted at the slightest angle. “Look if I do become a Queen, I promise that if I ever get out of hand I fully expect you to break my arms. In fact I’d want you to.”

Still standing there, arms crossed. “Arms and legs?” she tried. Nope, no change. “Okay...everything except my skull and neck?”

He nodded, raising a hand again to sign out: “Enforcer?” before pointing to himself.

“I….if you want to?” she said as a squeak. He probably did know how ranks and titles worked more than she did. “What does an enforcer do, exactly?”

“Hit people for you,” he signed. “I will do that until I do not like who you ask me to hit.”

“Deal,” she said with a smile. 

[untildawntrashcan]

I am a sucker for the Magical AU in Until Dawn. 

Sam is a nature witch--really connected with the earth, has a natural shelter inside the trees. Outfits made out of recycled fabric and light colors. Cauldron stationed outside. Casts small curses--none harmful but plenty terrifying and warding--to keep men and women intend on destroying her forest away and makes potions for injured animals and humans that stumble into her domain dehydrated. She helps her friends gather out of reach herbs and other products they need for their potions. She can climb anything and does so regularly.  

Josh is a warlock in the middle of town. His house is labeled the Spook House because it’s so scary to go inside. It shifts location periodically and it becomes a game among the villagers to spot his house. Local teens always try to brave his house and the one that makes it to the top floor has boasting rights for life. So far, no one has ever had succeeded. They don’t realize of course that the floors shift. Technically, one would never reach the top floor no matter how hard they tried. He uses his tact for horror to drive people away from his sisters and helps drive others away from Sam’s forest.  

Beth is known as a justice witch. Like a vengeful demon, she makes potions that causes blisters and boils to break out on the skin of betrayers, abusers, and just general assholes. It didn’t matter if the person was man or woman; Beth sold her potions to all that felt the need for vengeance--all that really matter was that they were guilty. No harm would come to someone innocent. Beth is the second most profitable witch; first happens to be her twin sister, Hannah. 

Hannah is pretty much a love witch. She loves match making. She makes love potions that will only work if the couple is fated to be together. It didn’t force a love connection; her potions only influenced emotions that were already there. People that pass her in the streets never agree on what smell follows her--cookies, chocolate, strawberries, parchment paper, books. She whispers in secret to her wood witch friend, Sam, that she creates her own perfume so anyone who scents her will smell the person they love on her and think of them. Sam never mentions that she smells spearmint--Josh’s toothpaste. Hannah has her own wishful feelings for Michael Monroe, but her own potion failed so she tried to push away her feelings for the stud warlock.

Mike Monroe is a lady charmer warlock. Nothing harmful. He doesn’t make the man irresistible to women; he simply sells the man a concoction that makes him confident. If they are turned down, pity for them. No refunds. Mike has been responsible for less matches than Hannah, but he is still profitable. 

Jessica helps with fertility. Reproduction was her specialty. Her potions aided in the process, boosted the possibility of conception. She was especially popular with wives and married couples. She makes vials that help with male performance and increased the pleasure received by a woman. She isn’t quite as successful as Hannah or Mike; but she does make a good amount of money. Jess is guilty of buying one of Hannah’s potions just to test for herself who her perfect match is; she’s horrified to realize that it was Mike, Emily’s boyfriend. Hannah’s potion had made it to where Mike was drawn to her, recognizing as his perfect match. It took a little under a week for Mike to dump Emily and get with her after the potion took effect.  

Emily is a healer witch. She makes potions and concoctions that cure any aliments and relieve pain. The potion tastes of mints so that it easier to swallow and can be easily mixed in tea. She also makes skin-clearing potions. Of course, she doesn’t sell Jess any for weeks after she slips one of Beth’s potions into Jess’ tea on the day she came to apologize for taking Mike from her.      

 Matt is a performance enhancer warlock. He specializes in crafting things that make it easier for men and women to build muscle or metabolism. His potions weren’t harmful like steroids or anything. He’s had his eye on Emily ever since she gave him a potion to heal a torn tendon in his leg. Finally, after her split from Mike, he makes his move. 

Chris is a techie warlock. Usually magic and technology don’t mix, but Chris found the perfect medium. Computers and other electronics given to him suddenly don’t need batteries, plugs, or even satellite towers. Cell phones work in dead zones easily. Chris frequently services Ashley’s electronics and moons over her. 

Ashley is an academic witch. She makes potions that aide in study sessions and the ability to retain information. The person buying her potions would still have to put effort in. She even crafted a set of journals that would respond to the person’s thoughts and record things they wanted to remember. She has a deep crush on Chris, but is too afraid to ask Hannah for a love potion to see if Chris is perfect for her. 

[backtothestart02]

After the Dust Settles - 1/1

A/N: My 9/11 Flash fanfiction is here. I hope you enjoy it. This day is a heavy one for me, and a couple years back I felt inspired to write a Flash fic for it because of that. It didn’t happen then, but it happened today. With some helpful assistance from my awesome beta ( @valeriemperez ) and lovely friend ( @hamaheaven ), I am satisfied with the end result.

Trigger Warning: As stated above, this does revolve almost entirely around the terrorist attack events on 9/11/01. I tried to be as sensitive as possible to all concerned.

Synopsis: September 11, 2021 - Twenty years after the terrorist attack in New York City, Barry is brought face-to-face with the life-changing events a Central City citizen still experiences as a ripple effect of that day.

The warm, autumn sun woke Barry up as it did every morning. A little groggy with some sleep dust in his eyes, but inevitably eager to make Iris breakfast as soon as he spotted her still fast asleep beside him.

But this morning when he opened his eyes, he saw she wasn’t fast asleep. She was propped up in bed, leaning back against the headboard. There was an incredibly troubling look at her face and what looked to be tears in her eyes. But she didn’t register him watching her because she was staring so intently at something on her phone.

He sat up slowly next to her, gently brushing his arm against hers so as not to startle her. She was startled anyway, but when she turned to look at him, she took one earbud out of her ear and handed it to him. Then she tilted her phone in his direction. He put the bud in his ear without question and directed his gaze at the video playing on the screen.

His heart broke as much as hers must’ve. They knew no one personally who had been at the scene of that horrendous terrorist attack, but that didn’t make it any easier to bear.

“Today marks the twentieth anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center towers in New York City. Over 2700 United States citizens died in the attack, 3500 including those from other countries, and even now there are many people that simply no remains have been found…”

The reported continued on, giving details of what had presumably led to the attack, the exact details of the morning it happened, and what happened after, including the war on terror. Amidst all this was video footage of the towers being hit and collapsing, people running in terror, the loved ones of victims crying and sharing their stories. A detailed list of where all the memorial services were being held that day followed.

Iris sighed and leaned her head on her husband’s shoulder.

“It’s so awful, isn’t it?”

He pressed the home button on her phone to exit out of the hard-to-watch videos and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Iris set her phone down on the bed between them and laced her fingers through Barry’s.

“All these years later, and it just…it was the beginning of so many terrible attacks…and then adding metas on top of that?” She sighed, overwhelmed. “If there hadn’t been so much coming together afterwards, there would probably be very little hope in the world. At least…” She glanced up at him. “Until the Flash arrived.”

His concentrated frown worried her. “What is it?”

“Sometimes I think about going back,” he admitted.

She straightened immediately. “Barry, don’t-”

“I’m not going to do it, Iris,” he said calmly, then turned to her. “It’s just something I think about.” He shrugged. “Could more lives have been saved if the Flash was there to get people out of those buildings before they collapsed? With Kid Flash and Jesse Quick and our daughter helping too?”

“Now you’re mixing the past and the future,” she tried to joke, but the train of thought still worried her.

“And what about Kara?” he added. “She can literally stop planes in mid-air. She could have prevented the attacks altogether.”

Iris smiled sadly and reached to touch his face.

“Would our world be a better place now if that event had been prevented?”

She sighed, her hand dropping to his chest.

“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe something worse would have happened. You just don’t know the future until it happens to you.” He raised an eyebrow at her. “At least for most people,” she muttered.

He laughed a little, though it felt wrong to do so. Then he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and held her to him for a long while in silence.

…

Barry Allen, CSI forensic scientist was needed more than the Flash that morning. Joe had called him in while Barry and Iris were quietly eating breakfast, still dwelling on the significance of the day. Some criminal had escaped, was wanted for all sorts of petty crimes, and one really big one: murder, at a bank when he was trying to rob it. It didn’t look like a meta this time, which was a relief. This one would be routine. Hopefully they would catch the guy before he left town.

Barry and Joe returned to CCPD together after all the evidence had been gathered. They were about to go their separate ways – Barry to his lab and Joe to his desk – when a young woman tore out of Singh’s office, looking royally pissed off. Singh called after her, but since she hadn’t done anything wrong, inevitably he let her go.

“Who was that?” he asked Joe. She looked familiar, but he couldn’t place how.

“Her name’s Ayda. She’s a few years younger than you and Iris. She went to the same elementary school. Her dad owned a candy shop downtown.”

“Ol’ Papa’s, that’s right!” Barry said cheerfully. “I remember now.” He sobered up when he realized Joe was still very serious.

“Her mother worked in the Trade Center.”

Barry’s heart plummeted, along with his smile and his sudden good mood.

“Ayda’s father didn’t handle it well, and one day he just left. No one could find him. Ayda went into foster services, and no one claimed her. No foster parent wanted her because she looked like-”

Barry’s eyes widened. “No.”

Joe sighed, the memory of that time washing over him in terrible, agonizing waves.

“The police chief we had at the time was of the many in those early years who assumed that if you looked like an Arab, there was a high chance you were either a part of the 9/11 attack or would attack in the future. Since attacks kept coming, he felt justified in his vindication and tried to persuade the whole city to feel the same. Enough did that she was never adopted.”

“What about you?” he asked, horrified.

“I talked to a few other detectives, the ones that hadn’t been brainwashed, but I didn’t push the chief as much as I should have. I had two mouths at home to feed besides my own. I was working over time and still barely making ends meet. I couldn’t afford to lose my job by saying the wrong thing.”

“Oh, Joe.”

There wasn’t disappointment in Barry’s voice, but Joe was still sinking into himself more than he’d been a minute ago.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“No, it’s good you did.” He inhaled and exhaled slowly. “Eventually it was uncovered that the chief wasn’t just placing the blame on every Arab-looking citizen in Central City, he was also blackmailing the ones he hadn’t touched yet with everything he wanted of theirs that they owned – houses, cars, money, you name it.”

“Oh, my God.”

“If they didn’t comply, he added them to the list. Many ended up leaving the city in hopes of a safer place to live. I have to tell you, Barry, the early 2000s was not a good look for Central City.”

He swallowed hard. “So, what happened?”

“When I discovered the blackmail, I convinced the remaining good guys on the force to act on it with me. The chief had so many people wrapped around his finger, but we managed to overpower him by manipulating him to confess while on camera. Then those in the city who hadn’t turned a blind eye to what he was doing or agreed with it, came forward to demand he resign. He has forced out of office and left town, apparently got in a car crash not five miles out of town and died on impact.”

“That’s convenient.” Barry eyed his suspiciously.

“I try not to think about it,” Joe said. “Anyway, Ayda has come in here every year since she turned eighteen to demand an update on the search for her missing father. We never have good news to tell her, because with everything else going on, time just hasn’t allowed for us to make it a priority. Besides, it’s been twenty years.”

“But he’s her only family,” Barry said softly.

“I know,” Joe returned the softness.

“Is she doing well otherwise?” Barry asked.

Joe shrugged. “I don’t know much, but I don’t think so. People don’t reject her the way they did when she was a kid, but with finding her dad as her top priority, she doesn’t make other things her priority the way she maybe should sometimes.”

“Such as?”

“Such as keeping a job, making sure she eats, has a roof over her head.”

“Jesus, Joe.”

“I know, I know. But she refuses help. All she wants is for us to find her father. For a good month or two, Singh will probably assign a new task force to the case, as he does almost every year. But there are other, I hate to say it, more pressing matters to attend to. When nothing turns up by Thanksgiving, he’ll probably drop it until she comes in to make more demands next year. The fact of the matter is, her father probably got out of the country and is living a new life somewhere else, trying to put the past behind him-”

“Including his daughter?”

“Or he didn’t make it that far, was killed…either by someone else’s doing or his own.”

“You really think…?”

“He was in a really bad place when he disappeared. Not to mention there was a lot of shady, covered-up shit happening around the time Chief Dolan was in office. We’ve brought a lot of those victims to justice, but there are still many that haven’t gotten there yet.”

Barry shuddered. “I didn’t realize Central City had such a…dark past.”

“I tried to shield it from you kids. In fact, a lot of parents, regardless of their beliefs, tried to shield it from their children. Some didn’t. It’s how Ayda and other kids like her ended up being bullied.”

Barry had sunk so far inside himself he didn’t know if he could climb out of it.

“And I thought those videos were the only thing that was going to make this day hard to get through,” he mumbled.

Joe’s brows furrowed. “What videos?”

Barry brushed it off. “Oh, you know, the internet is recapping the events of 9/11. Everyone is sharing their story again. So many hearts are still broken, and the footage of the actual towers coming down, it’s…”

“Yeah,” Joe agreed. “I know.”

“Well,” he said after a while, clearing his throat. “I should, uh-”

“Oh, yeah, of course. I’ll see you later.”

…

Later that day, Flash was making his rounds. There hadn’t been too much crime after the robbery incident. The guy had even been caught. Memorials were taking place around the city and many people had come and gone from the cemetery. Everywhere Barry went, things felt heavy. Not as heavy as they’d felt that morning when he was with Iris and then again with Joe, but it was still so somber being in the middle of all of this.

After confirmation from Cisco that crime was essentially nonexistent, Barry was about to head home when he spotted a familiar face leaning against the leg of the bridge on the dingier side of Central City.

He ran to her and came to a stop. She glanced over at him, briefly startled but then subdued once more.

“Well, hello, Flash. What did I do to receive such an honored guest?”

“Ayda.”

She glanced at him, surprised.

“You know my name.”

“I know-”

“Oh, wait, of course you do. Unless you’re an actual alien and didn’t live here twenty years ago, it’s impossible for you not to know who I am.”

He was silent for a beat. “Ayda, I am so sorry for what happened to your family.”

She tensed. “They’re dead.” She looked away. “At least my mother is. My father…”

He took a hesitant step towards her. “I know it’s hard-”

“Hard?” Her eyes blazed. “It’s fucking devastating. You have no idea what it’s like, to be rejected for the color of your skin, for people to think you’re a terrorist at eight years old, for your dad to-” She shook her head. “Your red suit doesn’t hide how white you are. And you are praised by the city, not condemned by it.”

“I wasn’t always,” he said, though he knew a lot of what she said was true. He could relate to parental deaths. Everything else? Not so much. “Both my parents were murdered. My mom died the same year as yours. And my dad left…”

She swallowed hard. It looked like he was maybe getting through to her.

“You think my dad is dead? Is that what you’re trying to say? Well, every case does not go the way yours did, Flash.”

She turned away from him, making for her exit. He didn’t try to speed ahead of her.

“My dad came back,” he said.

That made her stop. She turned to look at him.

“What?”

“We didn’t find him because he’d been murdered. We found him because he’d been set free. He was killed later…by someone else.”

She ran back to him.

“You think he’s kidnapped maybe? That he’s been held hostage this whole time? For twenty years?”

He hesitated, knowing this was both good and bad. He’d given her hope. He just didn’t want it to be the false kind. If this line of thinking didn’t lead anywhere good, she’d fall down a darker path than she was already on.

“It’s…possible.” He paused. “Anything is possible.”

She sunk into herself a little. “So it’s possible he’s dead too.”

“Ayda… A few times after my dad was…kidnapped, I was allowed to talk to him.”

“Oh, my God.”

She was clearly startled by that. He didn’t blame her. How often did someone get to have full conversations with the person being contact when it wasn’t used as a means to convince someone to give ransom? He’d just been a kid.

“He told me…that I was obsessing, that I wasn’t living, because all I cared about was saving him.”

She scoffed. “But he was kidnapped.”

His lips twisted ruefully. “I know. That’s how I felt.”

“How could he-”

“He’d accepted his fate. Or, what he thought his fate was, I guess.”

“Obviously you didn’t listen to him.”

“I didn’t give up on him.”

“So, you understand-”

“But I did try to really live in the meantime.”

Her lips thinned. She didn’t like that.

“Ayda, all I’m saying is…if your father could see you now, he probably would be proud of you for fighting for him, but…I think it would break his heart to see the way you’re living.”

Her eyebrows narrowed. “The way I’m living,” she said flatly.

“In between jobs, no roof over your head, no new clothes, scrounging for food… That’s not-” He paused. “That’s not a life.”

“It’s none of your business how I live my life, Flash. Maybe you’d better move on to the next person in need of saving, because it isn’t me.”

He hesitated, his failure unacceptable, her hurt seemingly impenetrable.

“What if I agreed to help you?” he offered, hearing Joe’s berating repeated ‘no, no, no, no’ in his head as he said it.

“What are you talking about?” she asked, annoyed.

“Your father. What if I helped to find him too?”

She gasped, and he could see the reluctant hope fill her eyes.

“You would do that? But…what if he’s not here? What if he’s overseas?”

That almost made him laugh. He allowed himself to smile.

“I’m really fast.”

…

Back at STAR Labs, everyone proceeded to throw him death glares.

“You did what?” barked Joe, expectedly.

Barry winced and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

“I know you mean well, babe, but…” Iris slowly approached him. “Are you sure she wants your help? What if you get her hopes up? What if you can’t find him? What if he’s dead?”

“What if he isn’t?” He took a breath. “Look, I know you guys think this is crazy. And it is, okay? It is. But today is just so…it’s awful. I know I save people every day, but I didn’t save anybody that day. I was just a kid. And I understand where she’s coming from. And you know, maybe I don’t find him. But in the meantime, she’s agreed to really try to keep a job. I’m going to get her a place to stay and food until she can pay for it herself, and if she makes friends, finds someone special…maybe even the worst news in the world won’t be worth risking everything that she’s found.”

The team still appeared reluctant.

“We have no Big Bad right now, guys. Can we spend some time just…trying?”

Resigned, Joe nodded. “All right, Bear. I can get you the files we have on Ayda’s dad at the precinct.”

“And I can do some digging on him from that,” Iris offered.

“I do have some pretty epic tech right now that might help with a missing person’s case,” Cisco said, not without a hint of pride.

“And we have a state-of-the-art lab here,” Caitlin concluded. “We can test anything and everything without getting the police suspicious.”

“I’m police,” Joe said flatly.

“But you’re our police,” she said sweetly, to which he snorted but agreed.

“We’re doing this then?” Barry asked excitedly.

Iris came to him and held his hands tightly. “We’re doing it.”

He grinned widely, ignoring how badly this could go if his claim to help ended up nowhere. He believed in Ayda. Deep down he knew they all did. If she could build a life for herself, that would be her doing. It would be something she could be proud of, relationships she didn’t want to lose. And if the news regarding her father was bad, she would have the support of those she’d grown to love and who loved her. And she would have the Flash.

On more than one occasion, he’d been told he couldn’t save everyone, and that he needed to accept that. But he could save some.

He could save Ayda.

“…9-11 showed us what human beings are capable of. The evil, yeah, sure, but it also brought out the goodness we forgot could exist. People taking care of each other…for no other reason than it was the right thing to do. It’s important for us to talk about that good, to remember. Because I saw a lot of it that day.”

– John McLoughlin (World Trade Center, 2006)

*Also posted on AO3 and FFnet.

[thorne93]

Old Flame, New Problems (Part 2)

Prompt: You’re in a serious relationship with Sebastian Stan, when news from your first love informs you that he’s now single and in need of a friend. Will your old flame burn out or will the flames get fanned and consume you?

Word Count: 3683

Warning: language, angst, fighting (verbal), cheating, drama

Notes: This idea came to me when news hit about Hayden and Rachel splitting. Of course I’m sad that a long time relationship such as theirs is ending, but it also means he’s single sooo…Also, no hate towards Rachel. I don’t know her, don’t know what really happened between them, etc. It’s a fic and in no way reflects what I think of either of them or their precious daughter ^.^

Beta’d by @like-a-bag-of-potatoes and flashbacks are in italics

Forever Tags: @capsmuscles @cocosierra94 @essie1876 @magpiegirl80 @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @harleyquinnandscarletwitch @iamwarrenspeace @marvel-imagines-yes-please @superwholocked527 @myparadise1982sand @missinstantgratification @thejemersoninferno @rda1989 @marvelloushamilton @munlis @thefridgeismybestie @bubblyanarocks3 @random-fluffy-pink-unicorn @hardcollectionworldtrash @igiveupicantthinkofausername @kaliforniacoastalteens @feelmyroarrrr​ @kaeling

Sebastian Stan Tag: @nedthegay @lostinspace33 @alwayshave-faith @elleatrixlestrange @buenostardissherlock @lenawiinchester @the-red-world-of-jess-chibi @memory-of-a-goldfish @mellsstark

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The phone rang, lighting up a familiar number. The usual pang of hurt assaulted your heart as you read his name. The love of your life. You took a deep breath and answered though, determined to make this friendship work.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Y/N...I, uh, I have some news. Thought you should hear it from me first,” his deep voice said into the phone.

At his words, you stiffened. What news? Why should you need to hear it?

“Okay? What’s up?” you inquired, trying to sound casual.

“I asked Rachel to marry me. She said yes.”

Time stopped.

“Y/N? Are you still there?”

You realized you weren’t breathing so you sucked in air and nodded, even though he couldn’t see that. Fighting back tears and the lump in your throat, you responded, “Uh, yeah, I’m still here. Wow. Hayden, that’s amazing. Congratulations.”

The plane ride made you feel bittersweet. You didn’t want to fight with Sebastian, but Hayden needed a friend. You hoped if the roles were reversed, you’d be supportive of him and his friends, no matter what their past was.

The sweet part was that you did think of Hayden as a friend, though you may have drifted a bit, the communication through the years was still there. When his daughter was born you talked for an hour about her, her name, what she was like. When he got a fashion line designed by him, you supported him and bought a few things for friends. When you won an Oscar for a screenplay, he called you to congratulate you. When your novel hit New York Times Bestseller list, he sent you a bottle of champagne.

No matter what happened, your lives were always a bit intertwined. The relationship had never hit a toxic or bad point that you could remember.

The ride from the airport made you even more nervous. You probably shouldn’t have butterflies going to see your ex, but you couldn’t snuff out feeling happy to see him.

The taxi turned on the driveway of an expansive property and you stifled a gasp as you took in your surroundings. You knew Hayden had bought a farm, but you had no idea he was going all out with livestock and barns and equipment. Sure, he had told you that before...But actually seeing it was another thing entirely. It was gorgeous. Open, peaceful, serene. The sun was just setting beyond the rolling hills directly in front of you as the taxi rolled up.

The driveway was long, of course, as his home sat back a few acres inside the property. Once you reached it though, you were stunned. It was so...him. Homey. Refined. Subtle. Tasteful.

A wide grin debuted on your face as the taxi stopped and you fished out the fare money and gave it to the driver as he asked if you needed help with your bags. You told him no and he popped the trunk.

You looked up to see Hayden walking your way. Donning a gray shirt with shallow V neck and dark jeans and boots, he looked just as handsome as ever. The fact that that thought crossed your mind made a lash of guilt cut across your chest.

Just as you were stepping out and standing up, he reached you. You looked up at him and he looked down at you. It wasn’t awkward...There was more of a static tension between you two more than anything. But suddenly, his arms engulfed your entire body.

“It’s so good to see you,” Hayden said as he held you tight. “Let me help you with your bags,” he offered with a bit of a smile and a happy tone as he let you go and went to the back of the taxi.

“Oh, no, Hayden, it’s fine,” you assured awkwardly as you followed him.

“You always were stubborn,” he stated with a sideways smile as he pulled out your luggage and sat it on the gravel.

“It’s not stubborn,” you retorted, grabbing the laptop backpack and throwing it over your shoulder. “It’s being independent.” Hayden rolled his eyes, grabbed your two suitcases, and lead the way to the house.

Once inside the home, you recognized all the little touches that was Hayden and Rachel’s life together. Pictures of them on the wall, art that Briar Rose had done on the fridge. You knew the sofas were picked by Hayden because they were soft and brown. He loved the earthy colors. But then you saw where Rachel’s taste had come into play. The rug, the coffee table. The kitchen appeared to be their blend of taste and style.

It shouldn’t hurt the way it did to see the home they had built together. You and Hayden hadn’t dated for over ten years now. You had been over him for a while. So why did it hurt to see their family home?

Perhaps because once upon a time this was supposed to be yours. This is what you had envisioned for you two. Hayden was by far your longest relationship, with Sebastian running second at two and a half years. Everyone else in between that time was eight months or less.

“Wow,” you quietly noted as you looked around.

“Let me give you the tour,” he offered with excitement. “Just sit your stuff down wherever.”

You slid the backpack with your notebooks, pens, and laptop off your back and laid it beside your other luggage. He took you all over the house. Four bedrooms, two had wood-burning fireplaces, and all had walk in closets; four bathrooms; an expansive kitchen and walk in pantry and double ovens; a beautiful office; a playroom; and inground swimming pool.

“So that’s the inside,” he said as he finished the tour back in the kitchen. “We could do the outside tomorrow.”

You smiled appreciatively as you walked into the cozy kitchen.

“Yeah, we can do that,” you surmised. “So how many acres do you have here?”

“About fifty,” he stated. “You want anything to drink?” he questioned as he stepped over to his refrigerator.

“Just water’s fine,” you said as he grabbed a bottle and handed it to you while he grabbed a drink of his own. “So you’re a regular old McDonald, hmm?” you teased lightly.

He smirked as he peered at you. “What? Farm life out of your element, city girl?” he joked back.

“I just never thought you’d actually do this...All of this. The farm...the animals…” you stated, gesturing to everything around you before leaning back against the white island with a pale wooden top.

“Yeah. I really wanted this,” he informed, his eyes now dancing around the home.

“And you built all this?’ you questioned, not able to hide the impressiveness in your voice.

He shrugged with a smile as he started to walk back toward the living room and you followed.

“I had help, of course. I didn’t lay the foundation or anything but I did help build it. I worked with the architect to design what I wanted and I was out here every day, putting in studs, drywall, you name it.”

You nodded appreciatively as you sat on the couch next to him. “It’s very beautiful, Hay. I’m really proud. I’ve always wanted to come see it but...I know Rachel isn’t my biggest fan…”

He laughed at your remark and nodded slowly. “Uh, no, no she is not.”

“So is it everything you thought it would be? The farm?”

His eyes went wide for a moment in contemplation as he thought of an answer. “Yeah. It’s a lot of work...But I enjoy it. It’s nice to get out and work, you know?”

You laughed and shook your head. “No. I don’t.”

“No, you don’t,” he agreed with a huge grin and laugh. “You never were one for anything but the city.”

“Hey, that’s not true,” you retorted. “I like the country just fine...I just don’t like working from sun up to sundown.”

He smiled knowingly in response, his eyes casting down to the drink in his hands. “Yeah, I suppose there’s that.”

Silence flowed between you two for several minutes. You knew you were avoiding the elephant in the room. Half of you knew that Hayden needed to address his issue, the other half knew very well that people can’t be pushed to talk about things.

“So...what happened?” you suddenly asked as you glanced up from the coffee table to Hayden.

“Right to the punch, huh?” he asked.

“Hay...You called me up here to be your friend...to help you get through this...We can’t get through this if you don’t talk,” you gently, but firmly, informed.

He sighed and nodded as he placed his drink on the coffee table. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He sat back and turned to face you. “I don’t know...really...It started out small...Like she’d want to go out--for drinks or whatever--and I’d tell her I’d want to stay in. For years she seemed fine with it. Until the last year or so...she’d just leave without me. It wasn’t a fight, it would just be like ‘Hey, you wanna come to this party?’ I’d say no, and she’d say ‘Okay, well I’m gonna go,’ and she’d leave. At first, it was fine. She got to go out, I got to stay home. Compromise…”

He stopped talking, probably trying to gather his thoughts, thinking of the moment it all changed. You sat by patiently, peering at your friend, letting him take his time to sort through everything. You knew ten years together, and having a child, that separating after that must be rough. There was no way you could even comprehend the pain of that.

He took a deep breath and jumped back in again, tearing you from your thoughts. “But then...it started to be a problem. She’d ask me to a wedding and I’d say no and it’d turn into an argument.”

“Because of your anxiety?” you quietly questioned, remembering that he had dealt with anxiety and depression for a long time and curious if that was the reason.

A humorless snort came from him, his eyes still on the floor. “Yeah, that’s why. I just...I can’t be in a room with that many people, that many strangers. I can’t stand it or the way it makes me feel. Work...acting, that’s different. I know most of those people and if I don’t, I’ll get to know them. But….all the random social events like parties, going to a bar or club, weddings...My senses go on overdrive and I just can’t…”

“Well you two seemed to deal with it okay for like nine years, what changed? Was it Briar Rose?” you asked. From your point of view, that was the only thing that had changed between them.

“I don’t know...It could’ve been. I know Rach wanted Briar to get out, socialize, see kids her own age...Play dates and all that. But I was fine keeping her here, with us, on the farm.”

You nodded, not sure how to respond. You didn’t have kids so you had no way of knowing what was best for a child.

“But...it just became one thing after the other. Another event or party or night out that I didn’t want to go to. She said she couldn’t let my anxiety bring her down anymore, and I don’t blame her,” he stated with a half smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“Hay,” you said gently, leaning forward, “that’s not fair. She can’t hold you responsible for that. It’s not your fault you have to deal with those sort of things.”

“I know, but she’s right. If my mental shit is wearing on her, it’s not healthy to make her stay, it’ll just put more of a strain on us. I know she gave up being outgoing for several years for me. Maybe having Briar Rose reminded her of who she really was. I mean, in the end it’s for the best. I didn’t like having to tell her no, and seeing her walk out the door looking gorgeous while I stayed here.”

Frowning, you felt your heart twist in sorrow for your oldest friend. This had to be rough on him.

“I’m so sorry,” was all you could manage.

He shrugged and lean back on the couch, his head and eyes tilted up to the ceiling. “Oh, it’s alright. I suppose it’s for the best. It comes down to non-compatibility. I saw this coming for a while. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t fucking hurt though,” he said with a smile and small laugh.

Non-compatibility...you thought in humor to yourself. For you and Hayden, that wasn’t the problem.

“I bet,” you commented with a half smile.

Another few moments of quiet passed as you stared at him, while he stared at the ceiling.

“What about you and Sebastian?” he asked casually. “Was he okay with you coming up here?” he inquired.

You started to laugh without humor before answering as you shook your head. “Uh, no, not really. He was pretty opposed to the idea...But I told him that you needed me, as a friend, and that he needed to trust me…”

“That’s fair,” he noted with a few contemplative nods. “I hope I didn’t cause any problems between you two.”

You shook your head. “No, you didn’t. It’s fine.”

“Are you two doing okay? How’s living together?”

“It’s fine...considering he’s hardly ever there,” you noted quietly with chagrin.

He sat up and looked at you with concern. “Everything okay?”

You shrugged and sighed. “I don’t know. He was gone for about six months from filming and interviews and the like. We didn’t see each other once. He was never in a place long enough for me to come by. He got back two weeks ago and he’s barely noticed me. Not to mention we’ve hardly touched. Every night I’ve tried to start something, he says he’s tired and he’s asleep before I’m even tired.”

He frowned at your news. “Wow...Well I’m sorry. Maybe he’s just busy? I know he’s got a lot of projects.”

“Yeah, no, I know that too,” you responded. “I’m trying to be supportive and understanding...It’s just...I feel like I’m not high up on his priority list, you know? I feel invisible to him and I hate it.”

He nodded slowly, his eyes casting down for a moment then back up to you.

“Give him some time. He’s busy and he’s doing very well for himself right now. Don’t cut him loose just yet,” he suggested with a smile.

You gave a small grin back. “Yeah, you’re right. I need to give him a chance to get back in the groove of things. I guess I’m just frustrated because I’ve had writer’s block for three freaking weeks and my editor and publisher are expecting five short stories. I can’t come up with a single one.”

“That’s rough.”

“Tell me about it. It’s not just the short stories. I can’t work on my novel. I haven’t thought of any new screenplays. No poems. Nothing. I have nothing.”

“I’m sure something will come to you,” he offered. “It always does.” A heart stopping smile appeared on his face, making you get butterflies and a heavy pit of guilt in your stomach again.

You blushed and cleared your throat, trying to ignore the way he was looking at you.

“Hey, are you hungry? It’s getting late, I could make us something?” he offered suddenly, a brighter tone to his voice.

“Yes. That’d be great, thank you,” you accepted with a sigh of relief.

“Okay, great,” he said with that boyish grin that always dazzled. Both of you stood from the couch and started to make your way to the kitchen before your phone rang.

“Oh, sorry. I’m gonna grab that,” you said before jogging to your bag and retrieving the phone. “Hello?” you greeted, not checking the caller ID.

“Hey,” a solemn, raspy voice said over the phone. “Did you land okay?”

Your heart broke a little at the sound of his voice. He sounded broken...upset. You turned to Hayden and motioned that you would be outside. He nodded and began setting up to make dinner.

Once you got outside in the cool night, you began to talk. “Yeah, I landed fine. I’m at his farm now,” you informed evenly. You were still pretty sore about how you left things with him. He’d practically ignored you for the last several weeks and he was upset that you were helping a friend with a breakup.

“Good. I’m glad you're safe,” he quietly said, sounding dejected.

“Are you okay, Sebastian?” you questioned, a lot more softness in your voice now. Despite the fight, you still loved him and he was still your boyfriend, and you cared if he was upset.

“I’m sorry,” he answered. “I shouldn’t have been so hard on you. It was just my own insecurities coming out, I guess.”

You pursed your lips as you dug your shoe into the dirt. “I forgive you. I know I didn’t exactly put you in a comfortable position. I’m sorry too. I should’ve told you I was leaving before you had to show up and see me packing.”

A small laugh came through the phone. “Yeah that was a bit of a shock,” he admitted. “So how’s he doing?”

Instinctively, you turned to glance at him through the giant kitchen window that faced the front of the home. “Uh, he’s okay. I don’t think it’s sunk in all the way,” you stated. You knew Hayden, pretty well, maybe not as well as Rachel, but you knew when he was trying to repress something, and this was one of them. Sure, he was talking to you about it, but he wasn’t really addressing the fact that she was gone, where his life would lead now, how he would deal with not seeing Briar Rose all the time. He wasn’t handling the actual reality now.

But you also knew him well enough that he needed this time. He needed time to not be in reality. To just have a friend, to focus on other things, to distract himself from what he was about to face. He sort of always set his own calm before the storm. He had this habit of ignoring the problem for a bit, then suddenly, the reality would strike him and he’d fall apart. It’s just the way he was. Was it healthy? Mmm, probably not, but we all have our ways of coping with major shit in our lives.

“That’s fair. They’ve been together a long time, they have a kid,” Sebastian commented. “You’re a good friend and I’m sorry again.”

“Seb, it’s okay. Really, we both messed up. No big deal,” you dismissed, shrugging as you stared over the beautiful landscape before you. A thought crossing your mind that you wished hadn’t: “I could get used to this.” You shook the thought from your head and came back to the conversation.

“Well tell him I said hi. How long you plan on staying?”

“Eh, maybe three or four days just to make sure he’s okay, you know, alone and stuff,” you simply answered.

“Yeah, yeah, you should. Well I won’t keep you. Call you in the morning, if that’s okay,” he tried, worried of your response.

“That’s fine, babe,” you assured, sweetness lacing your voice.

“Okay, cool. I’ll let you get back to it. Goodnight...I love you.”

“I love you too. Talk to you tomorrow.”

After hanging up and coming back inside, Hayden was halfway through dinner. You offered to help and he said you could work on the side dish. Working side by side again, making dinner, it was drudging up a lot of old memories. Memories you weren’t sure you wanted, but you did your best to keep them at bay.

Dinner was delicious and you could tell his culinary skill had improved in ten years.

“Care for some wine?” he asked towards the end of the meal. “It’s Château Rayas, your favorite,” he noted.

“You remember my favorite wine?” you questioned, stunned.

A sideways smile graced his face as he nodded while pouring the bottle. “Of course. We were in Paris, celebrating the release of Revenge of the Sith. We ordered a bottle of wine at dinner, and you said it was the best you’d ever had and you would hate to drink any other kind.”

An amazed feeling swept over you, completely blown away that he even remembered that. You barely did.

The two of you shared the bottle of wine, caught up on work, and prospective projects and any other happenings. You asked about his family and he yours. By the time you were buzzed and feeling tired, you checked the time.

“Oh my god! It’s 2:15!” you exclaimed, jumping up. “I’ve got to go bed.”

“Crap. Yeah, it’s late. I had no idea it had gotten that late…” he commented, seemingly to himself as he frowned. “Well let me show you to your room,” he offered.

You froze. “Uh, I was going to go into the city and get a hotel,” you informed carefully, your eyes avoiding his.

“What? No. That’s insane. It’s the middle of the night. I can’t let you just get in a random cab and go into the city at this hour,” he insisted, but you chewed your lip in response, not sure if it was a good idea or if Sebastian would be okay with it. “Look, you’ll be across the house. My room is at that end, you’ll have the other master with a fireplace, okay? We could set off a cannon in our room and we wouldn’t hear each other,” he assured, a grin popping onto his face. “Please? I’m not taking no for an answer.”

You rolled your eyes lightly. “Okay, fine. I suppose it is too late to get a hotel.”

“Great.”

[jessiewre]

Day 37

Mon 10th Feb 

Phil the crazy runner got up to his alarm ‪at 6:30am‬ and was out running by ‪7am leaving me with the double bed to myself instead of the‬ 10% of bed space I normally have.

He returned by ‪8:30am‬ with a half marathon under his belt and was feeling rather happy with himself. I was quite proud of myself too as I'd managed to press snooze on my alarm only twice.

We went to the little outdoor kitchen and actually felt all excited to be cooking our own food. Ok fine, we were literally boiling some eggs. It was good though. Eggs, avocado and sweet sweet toast 👌🏼

We got some worrying messages from Jimi though, so spoke to him on the phone. He told us he'd had some tragic news - a friend had been hit on their motorbike by a taxi and passed away from his head injuries. Really really sad. Jimi was upset but was able to get a lot of comfort from his belief in God which is something. A reminder of the fragility of life.

We sat down to do some research to work out our next move and decided on Lake Naivasha & Hells Gate national park as there was the option of cycling through it to spot the animals. No big carnivores there don't worry, more like giraffes and zebras and them chill animals that don’t eat humans 😝

It wasn't long before Phil got really hungry though and we agreed (I suggested) that he should pop out to the local market to get some food so we (he) could cook lunch and dinner. It would save us $50 if we avoided ordering from the hotel that day so it was a no brainer, especially for me, as I'd offered to keep an eye on things at the camp while Phil went off to do all the buying. 

Phil went to the market on a hotel boda and returned about an hour later (bit slow but what can I do, I was busy minding camp) with a loot:

2 red onions

10 rather green looking tomatoes 

Garlic clove

3 avocados

Spaghetti packet

8 carrots

We got to work cooking (I reluctantly agreed to get involved though I was sure the camp still needed my supervision) and to keep Phil's hunger under control, I cut a mango open and we attempted to bite at it. I'll tell you what, they are more hassle that they're worth. Phil looked at me with pure disgust and disdain as he bit into it, repeatedly getting mango strings stuck in his teeth. We gave up within 10 seconds and gave the half eaten mango to one of the staff guys to crack on with. Not sure anyone in the UK would have taken it, in fact they’d have been offended with the offer, but this guy was well happy with his new car crash of a mango 🥭

We made a pasta sauce with cubed carrots in (recipe available on demand) but made the mistake of cooking all the pasta in one go thinking we'd prep dinner at the same time. 

As soon as it was done I realised it was a very bad shout. That cooked pasta was not going to improve throughout the afternoon. It wasn’t like a tasty sauce, getting better as the time passes. It was pasta for gods sake.

But it was too late, the stuff was cooked now, so we bunged half of it in a bowl for the evening, crossed our fingers, and ate the rest of it. Wasn't too bad! It wasn't amazing, but it wasn’t bad. Totally edible...

By the time we ate lunch, it was nearly ‪4pm (as I said Phil should have been quicker on the buying really but I let it go)‬. 

Phil had made friends with his boda driver Edward, who also worked at our camp, and he sneakily arranged for us to visit Edward’s Masai village instead of doing the touristy one for $20. It wasn't just about the money but sometimes the touristy things are really contrived and feel like a performance. Walking round to Edwards village was totally impromptu so without expectation. 

On the way, we walked from the road to the grass through a muddy ditch and despite my best efforts trying to avoid the bad patches, my trainers were getting muddy. Then I stood on a particularly soft sticky patch and my trainer went quite deep. As I pulled my foot out, it got totally stuck and then my foot flew up and the trainer CAME OFF in the mud while I hopped around like an idiot. That’s me, providing top quality entertainment in all its forms.

We narrowly avoided the hidden barbed wire in the grass as we walked through shrub land and over little streams that Edward put big rocks in to build us a bridge and arrived.

Edward’s village was all about simplicity and necessity. He showed us where they kept the different animals (cows, goats, chickens), the separate buildings they had for kitchens and living spaces, and the fenced areas they grew vegetables in. I helped add a few more sticks to the fence on his vegetable patch as there was a pile that needed doing but after maybe 6 sticks, I thought I’d better stop incase he was being polite about my talent for it. There were 5 puppies wandering round doing cute yapping barks and we met Edwards mum & some of his young siblings as they went about her business.

He showed us the large pen they'd built for the cows to be in overnight and it was like a gladiator colosseum made of corrugated metal and wood, with churned up mud as the floor. I tried to walk over this mud to the other side of the doorway and what I didn't realise was this mud was actually PURE COW SHIT.

And obviously I stood in a giant pile of this shit that I thought was dry, and my foot broke the dry crust and went about 3 miles south into the pile of shit - did I mention it was shit? And for the second time in an hour, my trainer was fooked, but now it was covered in stinky cow dung. 

Edward looked a little awkward but Phil was wetting himself laughing.

Edward kindly found me a cleaning brush and got a bucket of water for me to clean my shoes while the shite was fresh. It’s important to get it when its fresh like (top Masai tip that). So there I was, in a Masia village, scrubbing my shit stained trainers while everyone watched on at the silly muzungu👌🏼

A young boy about 7 years old (I think it was his brother) in purple wellies was told to herd up the goats that had naughtily crawled under the fence to outside the village and he casually got them together, carrying some of the smaller ones into their little pen. Skills.  

Edward proudly showed us into his living room with his smart sofas he’d saved up for and after 25 mins of prep by his mother, he gave us hot chocolate powder with hot water to make. Phil poured it all out and definitely gave me the bigger one on purpose. I couldn’t quite hide my aversion to the 8 million flies in the room but tried to minimise my flapping around as much as I could. One of his little 2 year old relatives was hanging around staring at us which was so cute. She never smiled and never looked sad either. She was just staring at us, watching, working us out. She had about 10 flies round her face and mouth the whole time which definitely bothered me more than it bothered her.

One of the smallest puppies that looked on the verge of death was nearby and I’ll be honest, I wasn’t loving the hot chocolate, so without thinking I offered the puppy the remains of the drink. The lil pup enthusiastically drank away and I was so pleased to be able to give it some calories, but when I looked up at Phil his eyes were wide and he was giving me absolute daggers. He shook his head the tiniest amount as if to say JESS STOP FEEDING THE PUPPY EDWARD’S SPECIAL HOT CHOCOLATE and I suddenly became aware of my surroundings and tried to subtlety bring the chocolate back to me as if I was going to finish it. A few minutes later I went outside to see the sunset and lobbed the rest of the drink behind the hut.

After thanking his mum and waving goodbye to the people milking the cows and all kids who had gathered to say hi, we headed back to camp for dinner. Despite his reluctance, we gave Edward 500ksh to buy something to thank his mum for hosting us.

Unsurprisingly, our dinner of spaghetti-a-la-lunch-repeat was not amazing . Let’s call it Noodle Mush (recipe available on demand). Phil seemed more enthusiastic than me about the taste one again, I think buying the ingredients sometimes makes you like it more 😂

But the saving grace of the meal was my garlic bread. What a thing of beauty. Definitely worth burning my hand twice for. 

We chatted to the family who’d returned from their 2nd safari day and they’d had a brilliant time seeing tons of stuff like leopards & a little cat that looks like a house cat called a servat. Would have been cool to see it, but we knew we would safari in other countries and you can’t do them all or we’d run out of cash in about a week.

Booked our transport for the morning journey back to Narok and went to bed.

[side-angel]

Simon x Reader #19

Warnings: crowd setting

Word Count: 2.7k

Requested: yus (kind of) and then I added onto the idea

Note: so sorry it’s so late after the match, but i didn’t really come up with the idea until 3 days ago -- so enjoy the longer length instead ~K

[ masterlist ]

—————————————————

You were pacing around the hotel room, where you had spent the night. You were just waiting for someone to come knock on your door and let you know it was time to surprise your longtime boyfriend. Telling him that you couldn’t make it to the match this year because of exams, in reality, you had been working on surprising him with the help of the rest of the Sidemen. You hadn’t seen him in person for a couple months now, with your last weeks of school being busy and his schedule being as hectic as ever with the oncoming match.

Several knocks came onto your door, breaking you away from your train of thought. You swung the door open to see Josh and Tobi, who both pulled you into a bear hug. You laughed at their excitement, but nonetheless happily returned their hugs. You had known them since you were a little girl and they took the place of your older brothers, with you actually being an only child.

“Alright, being able to breathe would be nice you guys,” you laughed.

“Well it’s your fault that you haven’t come to London in such a long time,” Tobi said.

“Hmmmm I wonder why, definitely not because I’m finishing up university or anything,” you sarcastically replied.

“Yeah yeah whatever you say, education isn’t that important,” Josh dismisses.

“Says the only two Sidemen that have degrees,” you laughed.

“Hush little one..”

“Do you think he knows?” you asked, pulling at the bottom of your shirt nervously.

“Not a chance, he was much more upset than he played it off to you,” Josh shook his head.

“I was this close,” you said holding up two fingers, “to telling him about it truthfully.”

“Are you ready for this?” Tobi asked you as you pulled your luggage with you and out the door.

“A little nervous, but I’m very excited to see him.”

You headed down to the restaurant portion of the hotel where the majority of the guys were still chilling and eating before everyone got to the match. You held a finger to your lips, signaling to everyone that could see you to keep quiet about you being there. Silently and cautiously, you could see Vik pull out his camera, to vlog, as you stopped pulling your suitcase and came right behind Simon.

Debating on your head what to do, you quickly chose to wrap your arms around him. Simon was very confused, but when he turned around and recognized it was you, a smile immediately spread onto his face.

“What are you doing here?!” wrapping his arms around you into a tight hug.

“I may or may not have lied just a bit when I said I had exams to go to. It was Josh’s idea, don’t blame me!”

“I hate you, but I love you too,” he laughed.

“Are you coming to the match?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course, I’m going,” you told.

As everyone else came up to greet you with smiles, Simon stayed by you before eventually excusing the two of you to go up to his room.

“Come on then,” Simon told you as he grabbed your suitcase and pulled it to the elevator.

As the two of you got to the room you’d be sharing, Simon quickly dropped your bag next to the bed and pulled you into a long kiss.

Briefly pulling away you asked, “what was that for?”

“Well I couldn’t do that in front of everyone else could I? And besides, I missed you.”

A smile stretched across your face as you sat next to him.

“You know I like this a lot more than I thought I was going to,” you told Simon as you ran your fingers through his newly silver dyed hair.

“Yeah?”

“It’s kinda hot if you ask me.”

“I’ll take that,” he smirked.

“Come on, you definitely have to go onto your coach right now.”

“Wait,” he said pulling you back, “kinda nervous ya know.”

“Why? You’re gonna be amazing don’t worry.”

“But what if I’m not? There’s a lot of people with a lot of expectations.”

“One you’re not gonna let anyone down, two you’ll be great not everyone can be amazing every day, and last at least I’ll still love you,” you laughed.

“Woooooowwww how inspiring,” Simon said smiling.

“It got you to smile didn’t it?”

“Alright let’s go. You’ll be in the friends and family coach, but I’ll see you after?”

“You got it, Captain,” you teased.

As Simon loaded onto the coach with the rest of the players, you behind Jesse and Will, who immediately recognized you and welcomed you with a hug. You were chatting the entire time that you rode to the stadium and were all smiles as people recognized you and waved hello. You chatted around with the rest of the “family and friends” as you all eagerly waited for the match to start.

By halftime, you knew that Simon was not happy with his performance. Maybe it was because you've been with him for so long and know how he thinks, or maybe it's the fact that he let P Money come on for him before the half even finished, but you just knew he was upset. As much as you wanted to give him a hug and a somewhat motivational speech, you knew he needed to get his head in the game with the team. Oh, but how you regretted it by the time the match was drawing to a close. Nothing was finishing off for Simon, and even the crowd knew with the clear frustration on his face that matched with the rest of the team. Things were getting rough on the field when even Tobi was getting heated.

You really should have known better, with the warning signs of the streaker that came onto the field. Yet by the time the whistle blew, you found yourself stuck on the stairs returning to your seat after a bathroom break. It was a push first, as people rushed their way down to the pitch for the invasion. You were being pushed around before you got shoved, causing you to fall to the ground. You curled in a ball trying to protect your body as all around you, and even on top of you, people stampeded down.

You hadn't realized how much pain you were actually in until a pair of hand grabbed you up and you recognized the person as Nick, Simon’s brother. There was yelling all around you and you could make out multiple people trying to get security and medical to help you.

“Let me walk,” said your hoarse whisper to the medical people that were about to put you on the stretcher.

“I don't think that's a good idea ma’am,” one of the people said.

“You couldn't get here quick enough but I know that I can at least walk to wherever you're planning to take me,” you snapped, already fed up with their performance during the match.

With an arm slung around one of the medical staff, you hobbled your way to a quiet room as quickly as possible. As you began to be poked and prodded, you saw a security guard rush off back to the pitch.

--

“I'm sorry what?!” Tobi yelled at the security guard who was telling him how you had gotten injured during the pitch invasion.

“When it all began, the people behind her climbed over her, but we've now got the situation under control,” he said with a lack of any sympathy.

“How is that even possible, she was sitting in VIP?!”

“From what we can tell she wasn’t sitting down when it all began, and she just got caught in the mix.”

“Well is she okay?!”

“We're having medical look at her now.”

“I have to tell Josh and Simon.”

“That won't be necessary,” the guard said attempting to calm Tobi down.

“Won’t be necessary?! You just basically told me my little sister just got trampled and stepped on, but you don't want me to tell anyone?! Seriously?!” Tobi angrily told the guard.

Tobi scoffed and turned on his heels to find Josh and Simon amongst the mass of people that had gathered on the pitch. Luckily for him, the two were together trying to make their way back to the tunnel and changing rooms.

“It’s Y/N,” Tobi rushed out as he ushered the three of them off the grounds.

“What?”

“She got hurt, from what the guy said she got injured when the invasion kicked off.”

With that, all three were rushing to make sure you were okay, yelling and practically shoving anyone that was in their way.

--

You looked up as the door opened and when you saw three very worried men looking back at you, you cursed. “Shit, why did you have to tell them?” You asked no one in particular.

“What the fuck happened?” Simon asked, clearly upset.

“I'm fine. Don't worry!” You tried to convince, but as one person put pressure on your abdomen, you couldn't help but wince at the pain that followed suit.

“Fine my ass,” Simon retorted.

“How is she actually?” Josh asked one of the medical staff.

“Surprisingly okay for the most part. She's definitively cracked at least two ribs and has a sprained ankle with bruising throughout, but no head trauma or other severe injuries,” the lady that was wrapping your ankle replied, “just some rest for the ribs, ice if it gets too bad with some paracetamol, and lay off of the ankle. We're going to get you some crutches and use those for at least two weeks. I'm going to also recommend that you go to the hospital in 2 days at the latest for an x-ray on the ankle and ribs.”

“See? I'm just fine,” you smiled at the guys.

There was almost an audible sigh of relief from each of the guys and they surrounded you as soon as the medics had left.

“I'm gonna kill whoever did this to you,” Simon finally spoke as Josh and Tobi just looked at your injuries.

“We all know you're not going to. I'm sure they didn't mean it, besides they're your fans,” You tried to reason.

As you moved to stood, suddenly three sets of hands were at your side trying to assist you in any way.

“Stop it!” You said shooing away the hands. “I'm fine. I can handle myself, I promise.”

“And yet you got trampled on,” Josh said.

“Sorry not all of us can be tall like you,” you retorted as all four headed towards the changing room.

“You're coming in with us love, you're not leaving my sight,” Simon said as he entered the changing room and peeked his head back out when “the coast was clear”.

You blushed as the guys all turned to you when the heard the sounds of crutches approaching in the room. The atmosphere was a little tense, undoubtedly because of their loss, but you were nonetheless bombarded with questions as to how you had gotten hurt. Sitting down on the bench, as Simon changed from his sweaty shirt, you answered everyone. By the time it was time to go, everyone was more livid with the fact that you had gotten hurt than the match results.

“Are you alright?” Caspar asked as you passed him on the bus, finding a seat for you and Simon.

“Yeah, I'll be okay don't worry,” you smiled.

Staying quiet for the ride back to the hotel Simon laid onto your shoulder after you convinced him you were perfectly comfortable, as his fingers tangled with yours, fiddling away.

“You okay?” You asked him, obviously talking about the match.

“Shouldn't I be asking you that?”

“We've established I'm fine, but what about you? It was a hard match and I could tell you were annoyed with yourself.”

“It's alright, charity after all,” he reminded.

“But I know that's not going to stop you from beating yourself up over nothing.”

“Can we talk about this later? Preferably when we're not on a bus with all the guys?” Simon asked, moving his head to look at you.

Nodding your head slightly, you pulled out your phone only to see your Twitter had been blown up with notifications. Opening your mentions tab, multitudes of people had found out about what happened and were tweeting asking if you were okay. Typing up a quick tweet just to notify that you were indeed fine, you saw Simon pull out his phone and when you got a notification that he had mentioned you, you got suspicious at what he did.

@miniminter: Wait why are people saying I cried lol

@miniminter: ‪Can't believe it happened...smh but @username is such a trooper for everything ‬[picture]

You smiled at the adorable photo of the two of you, that he had posted with the tweet. You liked the tweet and responded with a simple heart before placing a kiss on his cheek to which he smirked. In response you simply shut your eyes and rested your head on him, trying to get some peace despite the hype on the coach bus. The bus pulled up to the hotel, and you unloaded struggling a bit with your crutches and the stairs off the bus, leaning on Simon.

“You guys go party, this is us for the day. Can't really go out with her leg can we?” Simon joked as everyone stood in the lobby waiting for the other bus to arrive, motioning to you.

You felt bad that he was missing a night out with everyone, which rarely occurred, just because you had gone and gotten yourself hurt.

“You know you can go right? I really would not mind and would also totally understand if you wanna go out tonight,” you told Simon as the two of you got to the hotel room.

“And what? Leave my beautiful girlfriend in a hotel room all by herself when she's hurt? Not a chance,” he replied as he star-fished onto the bed. “Besides I'm not feeling it tonight.”

“You did everything you could, Si. Nothing you can change now so there's no use feeling bad about it,” you told him as you set down your crutches and wiggled your way to the headboard of the bed, next to where his head was placed.

“I just feel like I let everyone down because I played so shit.”

“But that's the thing, you weren't shit. You did everything you could, and you know that the YouTube Allstars wanted this one bad. Hindsight is 20/20 you did what you thought was right at the moment, and that's all a team can ask for from their captain.”

“I should be comforting you right now...I'm still pissed with whoever did this.”

You sighed. “It wasn't just one person.”

“Firstly they ruined the chances of a game next year but they also hurt one of the most important people in my life,” Simon retorted. “It doesn't matter if they're my ‘fans’ they should have respect.”

“Just forget about it, what's done is done and just be glad I'm as okay as I am,” you replied, sliding down to his level and placing a kiss on his lips. “Besides now we have the entire night to ourselves and I don't know about you but it screams Netflix time,” you giggled as you pulled away.

“And chill?” Simon said as he suggestively winked at you.

“In your dreams Minter. You may be captain but you are not calling the shots tonight,” you teased.

He laughed at your quip and pulled you closer, snuggling into your side, being mindful of your bruising and ribs.

“Hey guess what?”

“What Simon?”

“I love you.”

[newt-grundy]

some rabble

Holy shit. I am being swarmed with thoughts and emotion right now, so I’m just gonna write it all out. First off, fuck, that flew by. It seems so unreal that I’m already leaving, and in a huge way I feel shame and regret for wasting my time. I can’t help but think I should have played with Holland more, or I should have drew with him, or read him books, or just did a lot more than just hang around, play video games and such. I mean, that’s not all we did, but still. That little bugger gave me a big long hug and it’ll be the last “big hug” I get from him for a long time coming. I have to remind myself how unconditionally he loves me and he probably doesn’t even feel a fraction of disappointment in me. Regardless I still feel like a shitty older brother and I want to cry, I’m literally holding back tears right now. That little bastard is the one person who makes me cry I fucking swear.

It seems so out of nowhere, like I basically just got back home and now fuck, I’m leaving. I wish I would have gotten more time with my friends and said so much more to them and made them feel loved. It’s so hard not to let Babylon just, instantly changed me and especially putting me back into my default Babylon mode. I can’t believe how much fucking time I wasted watching TV, playing video games, just scrolling that goddamn facebook wall. I fucking screens, I abhor them, it’s pretty much the main reason I left last time and a big reason right now. It’s a shame I don’t have better self control where I can just use my computer for only productive means. Instead it’s like, hours of youtube videos, hours of facebook, hours of pornography, then some writing. The entire time I was gone last I didn’t watch any porn at all and it was fucking awesome. It was great, I never had that shame or struggle or anything. I barely even masturbated and since I didn’t have porn or really the chance to even masturbate (or will) then I would just fucking, get laid, like how humans are supposed to do it.

Technologies goal, with social networking and such is to just replace all human needs of other humans with a more artificial stand in. We use porn for girls, facebook for friends. We watch groups of people hanging out (it’s most tv shows, just people hangin out) instead of spending time with others. A lot of young men now just forsake dating entirely. When you have so much porn whenever you want, you simpy nip sexual desire in the bud all the fucking time. God I hate it, I have to leave. I have to go so I wont even have the tempations of bablyon and in a way I’m just switching those temptations for others. Sure I’ll meet people, be more sociable, write and read, and barely look at screens but last time I left I ended up smoking meth so, it’s simply a matter of pick your poison.

But I feel this is right. I have no desire to get a job, or really any need if I’m home and my parents take care of everything. I have no future in Iowa and that’s pretty much darn guaranteed at this point with the mountain of slander that now surrounds my name. If I’m homeless and struggling for the basics than I’m forced to work hard and I’ll get the satisfaction that working hard entails. Ah fuck it I don’t want to explain all of it. I know what’s best and it’s not even about what’s “best”. I’m done with always trying to be healthy and stable. I’ve never been fucking stable, never really had much of a stable life, why try and force it? Why trim off the lows and tops and sort of dull myself out. Numb myself with tech, and get caught up in some job I don’t believe in and all that fucking bullshit , fuck it! I snap everytime and that surely isn’t healthy. Better to die with some tweaker smashing my head in, or the bull shootin me, or falling off a train than to die by my own hand, alone in an apartment for one with only friends around that I saw once a week if that. Don’t misinterpret I love my friends here it’s just, people don’t really need people when are those needs are met by money, and the strangers time that money buys. I crave intimacy, and it’s so goddamn hard to ever be intimate when there’s always a fucking screen on, of some stupid comical whatever. I feel it’s really hindered my relationship with my family and friends and I grew so close to people on the streets because we never had that. You spend days with someone, struggling to survive, hours just waiting around entertaining each other, you grow fucking close, and you grow quick.

I’m still just self-rationalizing. What’s really bothering me is missing my brothers and my friends and feeling like I don’t make anyone happy. That I don’t give enough love or enrich anyones life and If I don’t do that then surely it’s not a noble or fulfilling life to live. I’m always so fucking caught up in myself. The artist type with a million projects and always just strategizing and thinking how to make a song better, or a magic deck better, how to write this story, paint this ect. I turn real people into fictional subjects of them all, all their feelings and being simply relative to mine. Savannah once said I saw others as mere extensions of myself and I fear she’s right. I’m afraid I’m a legitimate narcissist that doesn’t really care or empathize with others. I habitually deny those who request my intimacy and then go give my love to some stranger who just dumps it out. I really haven’t learned. Still Chasing girls, getting high, writing songs. Same shit I’ve been doing for five years. Life is still horrifying and intense and wonderful and just fucking insane all the time.

I mean, I’ve gotten better I think. Despite the whole abbie/jesse fiasco I think most people that actually know me think I’m an alright guy. They would probably say I’m nice and kind and helpful, I’m so fucking anxious about it and I do take action to try and be all those things. Give my time to others. I’m always thinking when I’m talking to someone “now don’t just respond with how that relates to you, ask a question, get to know them, let them talk about themselves, it’s not about you” ya know? Like someone says

“hey I have a pet rock”

And I want to say “oh yeah I had a pet rock my rocks name was yaddie yadda and I got it on whever and shit”

But instead I say, “oh that’s cool, what’s your pet rocks name? where did you get him?”

Ya know? But the problem with this is I want people to be fucking interested in me. I want to show everyone all my songs and artworks and have them see me as I see me. Because if I’m being honest I feel like I’m a fucking special person. Here comes the fucking ego, sorry, but like, how could you be good at something but be unaware of it? How can you make good art without understanding what good art is, and thus making the intention of making “good” art? Because I feel like I’m one of the best goddamn artist, on any account, that I’ve even met, and I strive to be so. I put in effort fucking all the time, every day, for hours, I obsess over the stories I write, rack my head over painting, plan, illustrate, strategize.

I mean, its like magic the gathering. The best magic players are who gives the game the most thought, who thinks the most about how they make their deck, essentially. I’m pretty good at magic, because I spend embarrassing amounts of time thinking about it. I’ll be up at five am just pacing and chain smoking and thinking about what cards to switch with what. I watch several series on magic, I watch judges explain rules, I research cards all the fucking time. And because I put all this work in, I’m good at magic.

And so, I do the same fucking thing with any art that I’m working on. I research heavily on what music to download then lay there on my back in the dark, giving the entire album my full attention in one setting, carefully studying what the music is, how they made it, all the parts and how they interact, ect. I put in this effort with any of my artworks and I put in mass amounts of time into constructing my own songs, and I have no shortage of inspiration because I have fucking insane feelings all the time, like I fall in love with everyone and hate people and hate systems, and love stupid little things and am always tying ot figure out how everything and everyone works, and I understand style and how to obscure and contort ideas into a voice and blah blah blah. Point is, I’m good, ok, arts subjective yeah whatever, with anything, the more effort you put in, the better the result, but like, the thing is,

No one gives a fuck. Because everyone is doing the same exact thing, the world is over saturated with twenty three year olds makes sad songs about their past girlfriend, and writing poems about being confused and painting girls and making magic decks, and essentially just complaining all the time, and they all want everyone else to see and acknowledge but everyones so focused on themselves that they can’t really take it in. When I listen to any music it always just comes back to me, how it makes me feel, what aspects of the music can I glean to then use in my own. A big reason I even enjoy art is because it motivates me to do my own. I’ve stopped listening to albums half way through multiple times just so I can go practice because I’m like ‘fuck this shit is good, I need to do better!”

I’m certainly rambling, god this is a ramble, one I wont even bear through to read but this is one of my last chances to use this computer to type out some shit so that’s what I’m doing. It’s five am, my brothers are getting up, reading up to leave with my grandparents on vacation, I’m glad I get to say goodbye again. I can hear Holland getting up he’s so cute in the morning. He rubs his eyes in that cliché way where he uses his entire fist like what?

It’s gonna be ok. I’m going to have fun, and feel great feelings and the road will be scary and terrible, I’ll be uncomfortable and in pain, maybe contract some more diseases, get some more holes in my teeth, fuck up my spine. But I’ll also witness miracles, meet incredible people and show love to them. I’ll help feed them when they are really hungry, I’ll take drugs with them, play games, talk laugh, open up. I’ll play my songs, and they will play theirs, we’ll settle drama and rabble, some of us will fuck, some of us will fight. I’ll never know what’s going to happen and I’ll become spiritual, put my trust in the road, manifest. I’ll have to psyche myself up to do illegal dangerous things. I’ll show off infront of girls I find attractive, compete with fellow men, I’ll be humbled when I’m defeated and uplifted by others who praise me. I’ll be alone and bored, hiking along the road, or waiting for a ride, or just staring up into space as I’m laying in my bag, too cold and anxious to sleep and my mind will just be turning over and over again and maybe something will come of it. But I always sleep, days are too exhausting to not, and I’ll wake up and do it all again, with no real end or goal other than what I’m wanting that day, I’ll change my mind constantly too, always excited and always disappointed, happy and sad and at least I’ll be fucking alive and feel like I’m living alive. If I die young I die happy and if I’m 80 and still homeless with nothing I won’t regret because my life was full adventure and excitement. I had brothers I fought along side with and I fell in love with women and confided in them and held them and tried to make them feel safe. I was nice to dogs and talked to them, didn’t hurt bugs for the fuck of it, not even spiders. I tried to learn and listen and grow. I stuck to my guns, didn’t give up guitar, didin’t stop trying to force my artistic perspective everywhere. I was an entertainer, I was open, made people laugh, usually a good person to go to if you were bothered and wanted to talk about it. It’s everything I’ve already done, just gonna keep doing it over and over, try and reach as many people, be a part of as much as the world I can. Then die, and soon after be forgotten, but hey that’s how it works. Could be a lot worse, and anything in retrospect really wasn’t all that bad.

[the-hunters-rebel-heart]

Ideas Poll

Right, so usually I don’t really ask for much guidance in my writing but... I’m in a bind guys. A bad bind. I have 31 tasty flavors of supernatural ideas that I want to write, but don’t know what I want to start with.

With that being said, I am giving y’all an option for a poll.

Tell me your top three to five favorite ideas out of my list that you want to see written.

If you want to view my work thus far for Supernatural and my crossovers it’s at www.kcswritingroom.wordpress.com

Ideas below the cut: 

KC’s IDEAS LIST

True Love’s Blessing - Jessica Moore returns from the dead and Sam is seeing another woman who is his true love. Things go awry when Sam runs off with Jess to keep her safe without telling anyone anything. Bonus: Sam’s true love is pregnant with his child. Jess is on the run from Abaddon.

The Knight’s Child - Dean adopts a hellhound as a demon, conceives a child with a woman while a demon. Dean needs to keep said child safe when the Men of Letters shows up.

Brothers Winchester - Dean has a twin who is an FBI Agent who discovers what is really out there. That brother also turns out to be an adoptive Cousin to Garth Fitzgerald IV. Werewolf hunt.

Family Secrets - Dean and Sam are hiding that they are both fathers to inhuman children. When the Men of Letters target them for being what they are, Sam and Dean have to step up to the plate to protect them. Mary’s maternal instincts finally kick in. Sam’s child - quarter angel; Dean’s child - half demon or quarter demon.

Love Remains - Two young hunters come bursting into the present from the future and they turn out to be Sam and Dean’s children with the women they love. They have to save the timeline from a rogue angel and ensure their survivals.

The Ascension - Sam and Dean, have to with the help of some others, gather weapons that were made by Chuck or Amara before they fall into the wrong hands. Those weapons end up imbibing them with the powers of Angels and Demons.

Papa Castiel - Castiel has a wife and child that he has hidden through the centuries

Castiel in Love - Castiel falls in love with a shape shifter named Maggie.

The Search for Dean Winchester - Dean disappears, and ends up in the wild west where he, upon giving up on being found or returning to his own time, falls in love with a werewolf. When Sam and Castiel find him, will he be willing to return?

Angel of Darkness - Amara created an angel of her own before being locked away, and Chuck hid from him that he was her creation instead. Other Angels have been suspicious for some time that the Angel was different because his eyes are pink and his wings are the color of light… which were not lost during the fall from grace. What happens when the only other Angel who trusts him is Castiel? Will he be able to keep his child safe?

The Curious Case of John Winchester - Michael was not the only Angel to ever possess John Winchester.

The Bond of Family - The Mark of Cain was never transferred to Dean Winchester and Cain killed Abaddon before being smited by Chuck. Dean and his brother Sam did not fix their brotherly relationship after finding Garth… and Dean fell in love with a member of Garth’s pack. When the British Men of Letters show up, they have Mary Winchester working for them, and she is after Dean’s family… and Sam’s when he comes to Dean’s Aid.

The Hunter’s Child - Dean has a long lost child who finds him after an accident in the Impala. The hunter has no way to find or contact his brother.

Dean Who? - Dean has amnesia, marries, and has a child. What happens when Sam finds him, and his family is placed in danger by others because they are not human or mistaken as something other than human?

The Men of Letters - Sam and Dean are reincarnations of the original Men of Letters - the two men who started the entire organization. Dean has an identity crisis.

The Devil’s Gates - Dean shuts the Gates of Hell after a fight with Sam and ends up dead. A year and a half later, he is revived by some unseen force and must find a way to reconcile with his brother.

Supernatural Minds - Sam and or Dean have been hiding that they are Government Agents from the other. What happens when it comes to the forefront of a case? Criminal Minds Crossover

Gunnery Sergeant Dean Winchester - NCIS crossover; Dean’s unit is being murdered due to his connection to them and a plane that went down while the oldest Winchester brother was doing a tour overseas, so he has to come clean to his brother about the activities he was involved in during the younger’s college days.

The Mechanic’s Secret - Sam and Dean travel back to the 1980’s to save a Nephilim that Michael has ordered a hit on… and they happen to know the Nephilim in their own time. Will she want to stay in the past, or return to the future with Sam and Dean?

The Mechanic - Series; Bobby Hired help, and that help turns out to be a hunter who disappeared during the 1980’s. He realizes it when she saves their lives. Later, she returns home with Sam and Dean to access her trust fund, set up by a cousin, only to be shot.

The Vampire’s Return - Benny Returns when Purgatory is ripped asunder, releasing all the creatures who were there.

The Curse of Honey Campbell - Honey Campbell left home at the age of sixteen against her father’s wishes to escape the hunting life and be with the man she loved who happened to be a witch.  When she is injured trying to save his life, he does the one thing that he can think of to save her - he entraps her essence within a 1967 Chevrolet Impala that belonged to the hunter who tried to kill him.

The Hunt for Sam Winchester - Jessica Moore was a spoiled rich child who was quickly running out of money. After finding out Sam has a very large life insurance policy naming her the payee, she has an affair and claims Sam is someone he isn’t in an attempt to get him killed. When she is killed by Azazel, Jessica’s lover vows revenge against the man he believes to have murdered her in cold blood.

Finding Family - Dean has a twin brother, who is best friends with Cole Trent. When his family is murdered and he is pinned for the deaths, he goes on the run, and Cole helps him get in touch with Dean and Sam Winchester.

Voices - One of the Winchesters finally hits rock bottom and cannot take it anymore, and a well hidden addiction does not help.

Friends of the Past - Mary ends up finding out a friend was tossed from the 80’s to the present, and that woman is involved in a love affair with her youngest son.

Samuel Colt’s Mission - Samuel Colt wasn’t just a man, he was an angel named Samuel who was building a set of weapons to help in the fight between good and evil.

Saving Chuck - Chuck has been on the run from the yellow eyed demons who want to kill him. Sam and Dean stumble across him, unaware that he’s God, and must protect him at all costs.

Rock Your Heart Out - Dean is dead. Sam burned his body and is trying to move on. Death has a secret. Will the music bring solace to the hunter?

Man on the Run - The FBI is on Sam and Dean’s trail again, and the agent assigned to the case is one of the best in the history of the FBI.

Becky Rosen is kidnapped by a hunter for her own safety… who turns out to have a thing for Sam Winchester.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

[mywrittenpath]

December 1O 2O19

WOW! What a great past few days! Where to start....

Friday I picked Jess up from Baltimore airport. We came home, she met Papa and Madi. We went to the new Whole Foods for a delicious green smoothie topped with rose petals and walked around admiring all the great products they have in here. Jess was impressed and confused by the ‘city grocery store’. Then I had to take her to unique. She found a few great things and now when she wears them she will remember this trip. Next we went to Loving Hut for a yummy vegan dinner. I got the curry which is always so good, I think everything in that restaurant its pretty amazing. For the rest of the night we just hung out in my room, drinking wine and talking. Jess is definitely my favorite person to talk with. I appreciate her ability to articulate her observations and perspective so clearly - I admire it quite a but actually and hope to reach that point some day. 

The next morning I woke, wrote, and read a bit. When she woke up I took her to experience the glory of Anitas breakfast burritos - YUM! Then we went back to the house and talked some more, waiting for Mason to arrive. Upon his arrival we all, including Rora, headed to Scotts Run. Jess was surprised by the nature that is just 10 minutes from my house. She said she thought I was just trying to convince her of DC’s awesomeness when I explained it last spring. But yes, pleasantly surprised we have such a thing in the midst of this concrete. After our hike we went to Safeway to pick up wine. We did some wine tasting and picked a rose made with peach juice. I had frozen peaches at home so we use that to chill. For almost two hours Jess, Mason, Father, and myself gathered in the kitchen sharing stories over wine and beer. My dad was SO talkative. He had so many stories to share. Ones about his underground layers him and his friends dug to party and drink in the middle of McLean at age fifteen. Stories about how they use to terrorize police on their dirt bikes. The story of my dad being late for his dentist appointment but ended up in a police chase ending with him throwing his dirt bike into the bushes and hiding - only to pull up next to that same cop a month later at a red light. It gave him so much joy to share those stories and filled my heart to hear all about them. It also made me so happy that two people I love and appreciate so much got to be witness to my father sharing so much of himself. After that we all headed to the shack for drinks and dinner. All that gathered were Jess, Mason, Father, Stephen, Erik, Erika, Connor, Shelly, Stephen & his girlfriend, Bill, and myself. I was so happy to share that night with so many of the people I hold dear. I was so happy to introduce Jess to everyone while they all gathered to celebrate her. She said often that she felt so special, which I am so glad because she is! We all had so much fun. I don't think I’ve ever seen my dad that happy in my adult life. My dad (and mother) have lived such hard lives and they deserve to experience the joys of connecting, sharing space, socializing, and just having genuine fun. I feel like with all their depression they have lost sight of that which causes the cycle to perpetuate. I often just wish my parents would come out and be a part of my life so this really just filled my heart. I feel like I could go on and on about this night because of all the things that made me so happy about it but I’ll move on to the next day!

Sunday morning we all woke up hung over - SURPRISE. Intentions for leaving to DC around 10am flew right out the door. Jess, Mason, Stephen, and myself finally made it out the door and on our way around 2. We went to the Museum of Natural History which made Jess SO SO happy. She loves that place so much and I felt bad we only had a few hours to spend there because I know she could spend the whole day reading and viewing everything that it has to offer. After the museum we took the metro back all feeling terrible and hungry still. We went to Masala Indian food restaurant and had a great dinner. We came home, Jess got to hold Kiesha and chat with my mum for a little. We all hung in my room and talked for a bit and then I fell asleep on Mason. I remember waking throughout the night and being pleasantly surprised that Mason was sleeping next to me because he hadn't for a few nights. I love his sleeping face :)

Monday morning we woke, Mason left and I took Jess back to the airport. Her visit was perfect, she is perfect, I can't be more blessed by the people I have in my life. I went home and got ready for my very first massage interview which had been seriously haunting me for a week. I just told myself I wasn't nervous and went for it. I was pretty shaky filling out my paperwork, staff was very friendly and accepting/understanding - I gave the worst massage of my life. And then I got hired - ____- SOOOOO yay here we go. I get to be a massage therapist - the thing I went to school for two years ago. 

I’m feeling super confident and proud. I’m feeling focused and ready to transform myself yet again because life is this beautiful dance of transformation. Went to yoga this morning with Shelly and I’m really wanting to go back to it because I think it is INCREDIBLY important for my mental health and also for my job. I’ve been doing pretty good with what I’m eating, sitting here at Masons waiting for him to return from work with my computer, books, vegan chili, and blackberries.  I had the realization driving here today that my mental state will directly affect my income. So now more than ever my career relies on a healthy body and mind. The healthier I am the better I will be at my craft, the better I am the more money I can make and the more people I can help which will then return full circle affecting my health and wellbeing. So here we go, cheers to this new chapter in my life. Love to all, health to all, and clarity to all - byeeee.

[investmart007]

DETROIT | The Latest: Aretha Franklin interred at Detroit cemetery

New Post has been published on https://is.gd/cOo3R1

DETROIT | The Latest: Aretha Franklin interred at Detroit cemetery

DETROIT— The Latest on the funeral for soul legend Aretha Franklin (all times local): 9:50 p.m.

Aretha Franklin is in her final resting place.

The casket of the Queen of Soul was interred Friday evening in a mausoleum at Woodlawn Cemetery in Detroit, just over two weeks after she died of pancreatic cancer at age 76.

Franklin’s loved ones arrived at the cemetery after a 10-mile processional through her hometown from Greater Grace Temple, where an eight-hour service of songs, sermons and speeches was held earlier in the day.

Woodlawn is also home to the graves of Franklin’s father, two more of his daughters, and civil rights luminary Rosa Parks.

The interment ends the formal mourning for Franklin, who was dressed in four different outfits for open-casket viewings in the days leading up to the funeral.

She was buried in a gold dress and sparkling pumps. ___ 6:45 p.m.

Stevie Wonder wowed with his harmonica skills and then brought the remaining mourners at Aretha Franklin’s lengthy funeral to their feet with a moving version of “As.”

The choir, Franklin’s family, preachers and remaining guests swayed as Wonder played the classic tune in honor of his old friend. “The reason we are here today is love,” Wonder said in remarks.

Before Wonder performed, Gladys Knight sang “You’ll Never Walk Alone” and “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” As Franklin’s coffin left the church, Jennifer Holliday sang “Climbing Higher Mountains.”

Others who performed over the eight-hour ceremony included Faith Hill, Fantasia Barrino, Jennifer Hudson, Ariana Grande and Chaka Khan.

“God bless, Aretha,” Wonder said at the end of his song. “The joy is in knowing that she will have an eternal life of bliss.” ___ 5:15 p.m.

Former NBA star Isiah Thomas eulogized Aretha Franklin as someone who offered her advice and friendship and someone who “shifted the universe.”

He laughed that in the week since Franklin died, her music is being sung everywhere, forcing people in restaurants to stop eating and spontaneously dance.

Thomas recalled how, as a young man, Franklin’s music soothed his mother when the family faced challenges, and later smiled when the soul icon would attend his Detroit Pistons games and sit near his mom.

Said Thomas: “She found a way to inspire all of us with hope, love and dreams through her music. Her voice found a way to help this nation soothe and deal with its troubled past.” ___ This story corrects the spelling of Isiah Thomas. ___ 4:40 p.m.

Record giant Clive Davis remembered Aretha Franklin as a woman with a thirst for knowledge, as a “true Renaissance woman” — and one with a streak of perfectionism.

Davis, who oversaw Franklin’s music for decades, including such later hits as “Who’s Zoomin’ Who?” and “I Knew You Were Waiting (For Me),” said once Franklin committed to a project, she’d go into “Aretha mode,” privately rehearsing and preparing so intensely that it was rare for her to need more than a few takes in the studio.

Said Davis: “Aretha’s voice will be influencing others, literally, for centuries to come.”

Davis recalled the time Franklin surprised him when he was getting a lifetime achievement award in New York by showing up onstage in a tutu.

“There was the Queen of Soul, accompanied by members of the City Center Ballet Company, she doing well-rehearsed pirouettes and dancing with most impressive agility and dignity. It was wonderful.” ___ 3:55 p.m.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson told Aretha Franklin to “sleep on” and “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Jackson, who has Parkinson’s disease and is in his late 70s, spoke slowly as he stood in front of the gathered mourners at Greater Grace Temple in Detroit on Friday.

He led them in a prayer of thanks for Aretha and her minister father, asking that God make all in the church “better, not bitter,” by the time the day is over.

Jackson said “Aretha’s not lost, we know where she is.” He praised her for the funding she gave to The Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and for singing through tear gas during the civil rights fight.

He said, however, that it was a shame that the lines to mourn famous people are long, but lines to vote are so short, lamenting that President Donald Trump won Michigan by so few votes.

Jackson said if anyone who leaves the funeral and isn’t registered to vote “dishonors Aretha.” ___ 2:30 p.m.

Bill Clinton memorialized Aretha Franklin as a woman with “breathtaking talent” who kept on charming audiences despite her illness.

The former president recalled being an “Aretha groupie” all his life and being thrilled to meet her backstage at her last public performance, a benefit in Harlem for Elton John’s AIDS charity last year. She was “gaunt” but went on to perform for 45 minutes.

“How you doing, baby?” she asked him. “I’m doing better now,” Clinton replied.

The former president also asked the audience to forgive him, saying he was happy that Franklin’s casket was still open when he arrived because he just had to see what she was wearing.

Clinton said, “I wonder what my friend has got on today. I wanted to see what the girl was carrying out,” to a wave of laughs and claps from the crowd. Franklin was wearing a gold gown, her fourth outfit of the week.

He ended his time by playing Franklin’s “Think” on his iPhone into the mic. “It’s the key to freedom!” Clinton said. ___ 1:40 p.m.

Aretha Franklin’s family members have paid tribute to a woman who cooked for them, gossiped with them and passed on her gifts to them.

Victorie Franklin, a granddaughter, said at the Queen of Soul’s funeral that she will always cherish being part of Franklin’s legacy, recognizing parts of her grandmother in her.

“Nothing sounded better to me than my grandmother’s voice,” said Victorie. “Her voice brought peace.”

Grandson Jordan directed his remarks directly to Aretha, frequently stopping to fight back tears. “I’m sad today, because I’m losing my friend, but I know the imprint she left on this world can never be removed. You showed the world God’s love, and there’s nothing more honorable.”

Aretha’s son, Edward, sang “Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology)” by Marvin Gaye. ___ 1:10 p.m.

Former Presidents Barack Obama and George W. Bush didn’t attend Aretha Franklin’s funeral but they sent messages to honor the Queen of Soul.

Obama, in a statement read by the Rev. Al Sharpton, hailed Franklin for reflecting “very best of the American story.” Her music, he said, “captured some of our deepest human desires, namely affection and respect.”

Bush’s statement, read by Franklin friend Barbara Sampson, called Franklin “a woman of achievement with a deep character and a loving heart” who made “lasting contributions to American music with her gospel-inspired style and distinctive voice.”

Former President Bill Clinton was in attendance and is slated to speak later. ___ 12:40 p.m.

Ariana Grande and the Rev. Al Sharpton have memorialized Aretha Franklin in words and song.

Sharpton recalled Franklin’s activist side, noting she raised money for the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and created “the soundtrack of the civil rights movement.”

“She gave us pride. She gave us a regal bar to reach,” Sharpton said. “She represented the best in our community.”

Sharpton also took aim at President Donald Trump for saying that Franklin once worked for him. “She performed for you,” he said. “She worked for us.”

Earlier, Ariana Grande sang “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman.”

Bishop Charles H. Ellis said after the song that he felt old because when he saw “Ariana Grande on the program, I thought it was a new something at Taco Bell,” but said he now owed her some respect. ___ 12:15 p.m.

Faith Hill honored Aretha Franklin by singing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” during the Queen of Soul’s funeral.

Hill’s performance got Bill Clinton, the Rev. Jess Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton up on their feet. Many in the audience of the Greater Grace Temple in Detroit also stood as Hill belted out the hymn.

Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan also took to the podium to announce a proposal to rename the city’s waterfront Chene Park after Franklin. The mayor said: “When Aretha Franklin sang, it sounded like the voice of Detroit.” ___ 11:50 a.m.

Aretha Franklin’s body has been covered in shimmering fabric and her casket has been closed, with shouts of, “Hallelujah!” coming from the audience.

Family members surrounded the Queen of Soul’s gold casket as it closed on Friday morning, marking the formal start of her funeral. The Rev. Jesse Jackson comforted actress Cicely Tyson and Franklin’s family members comforted one another.

Bishop Charles H. Ellis of Greater Grace Temple in Detroit began speaking nearly two hours after the ceremony had been slated to begin.

The church’s choir sang “Walk in the Light” as Ellis encouraged the congregation to sing along.

Ellis said, “It took a little time to get in here, but I believe the queen wouldn’t have had it any other way.” He said everyone present would get a program, and joked they were likely to be available soon on eBay. ___ 11:15 a.m.

The Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin has been honored at London’s Buckingham Palace on the day of her funeral in Detroit.

The official residence of Queen Elizabeth II became an unlikely setting for a rendition of Franklin’s “Respect” played by the Welsh Guards Band during the popular Changing of the Guard ceremony Friday.

The soul music may have startled tourists expecting British pomp and ceremony Friday from the Welsh Guards, who were wearing traditional red military jackets topped by high bearskin hats.

The Army tweeted that it wanted to pay tribute to a “musical icon and inspiration.” ___ 11 a.m.

The Queen of Soul’s funeral is underway.

A processional of Aretha Franklin’s family and other loved ones is filling the aisles of the Greater Grace Temple on Friday morning in her hometown of Detroit.

The church’s choir sang Franklin’s “Say a Little Prayer” and her version of “Bridge Over Troubled Water” as mourners arrived. When the diva’s family arrived, the song was “You Are The Source of My Strength.”

They filed past and paid their respects at Franklin’s open casket, where they saw her wearing a sparkling full-length gold dress with sequined heels — her fourth and final outfit of the week.

Many in the pews ignored repeated calls of no phones permitted to take selfies with former President Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham Clinton as they filed in. ___ 10:40 a.m.

Ariana Grande and her fiance, Pete Davidson, walked arm-in-arm and chatted with dignitaries like Bill Clinton before the funeral for Aretha Franklin.

The singer, who is scheduled to perform at the ceremony, and the “Saturday Night Live” cast member entered Detroit’s Greater Grace Temple smiling on Friday and posed for photos. They even shared a brief kiss on the stage.

Others from the world of show biz seen in the church included Jennifer Hudson, Faith Hill, Tyler Perry and Jenifer Lewis.

The start of the service — intended to begin at 10 a.m. — was delayed. Franklin’s white hearse arrived more than two hours before the service was scheduled to start. ___ 10:15 a.m.

In the moments before Aretha Franklin’s funeral, dignitaries filled Detroit’s Greater Grace Temple.

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Tyler Perry, Whoppi Goldberg, Stevie Wonder, the Rev. Al Sharpton, Faith Hill, T.D. Jakes, Jennifer Holliday, Jesse Jackson, Omarosa Manigault Newman, Rep. Maxine Waters, Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan were all spotted.

Floral arrangements from such singers as Barbra Streisand and Tony Bennett and from the family of Otis Redding were set up in a hallway outside the sanctuary.

Other bouquets were sent from the Jackson family, the Dance Theater of Harlem, the Whispers, Atlantic Records, Elton John, Mariah Carey, Ray Charles, Tom Joyner, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Don King, and Diana Ross.

Franklin’s white hearse arrived more than two hours before the service was scheduled to start. ___ 8:45 a.m.

Aretha Franklin is dressed in a sparkling full-length gold dress with sequined heels for her final outfit.

Mourners got a glimpse of the Queen of Soul before her funeral Friday during an open casket viewing at the Greater Grace Temple.

The gold dress is the fourth outfit Franklin has worn during a week of events leading up to her funeral.

Franklin was dressed head to heel in red for her first public viewing on Tuesday, a nod to her membership in the sorority Delta Sigma Theta. She wore a baby blue dress on Wednesday and a rose gold gown for a viewing Thursday at the Detroit church where her father was the longtime pastor.

Numerous floral arrangements from celebrities including Sam Moore, Mariah Carey, Barbra Streisand and the family of Otis Redding were set up in a hallwayoutside the sanctuary.

Moore’s arrangement included a card that read, “You know I always adored and loved you to bits and pieces … Even when we would fuss.” ___ 8 a.m.

Aretha Franklin’s body has arrived at a Detroit church where her funeral is being held Friday.

Franklin’s white hearse arrived more than two hours before the service is scheduled to start at 10 a.m. Eastern.

Fans have been lined up for hours outside the Greater Grace Temple awaiting the chance to attend the service, which will feature performances by Stevie Wonder, Ariana Grande, Jennifer Hudson and speeches by former President Bill Clinton, the Rev. Jesse Jackson and Smokey Robinson.

Among those honoring Franklin Friday are about two dozen owners of Pink Cadillacs who arrived at the church early Friday. The tribute is a nod to Franklin’s funky ’80s tune, “Freeway of Love,” which prominently featured the car in the lyrics and video. ___ 12 a.m.

Organizers of Aretha Franklin’s funeral insist it will be a spirit-filled service, not a show. Yet there’s no denying the star-power attending the Queen of Soul’s final send-off.

The speakers at Friday’s invitation-only funeral at Detroit’s Greater Grace Temple include former President Bill Clinton, the Rev. Jesse Jackson and Smokey Robinson. Singers include Steve Wonder, Ariana Grande, Jennifer Hudson, Faith Hill and Chaka Khan.

Greater Grace’s Bishop Charles Ellis III says he wants all — even the famous — to leave with a “spiritual awakening.” Still, the get-down and uplift can certainly coexist.

Another performer, gospel artist Marvin Sapp, expects “an eye-opening experience.” He adds the “dearly departed” want a celebration to mark their transition “from this life to a better one.” Franklin died Aug. 16 of pancreatic cancer at 76.

By Associated Press