#also I kind of hope I’m wrong about this becuase that’s kind of. devastating

[sadquickchristmassnowman]

so um. was doing some thinking and. I don’t think abed mentions inspector spacetime ever again after troy leaves. so uh. do with that information what you will

[tinyboxxtink]

"Black Magic" *Part 11*

Ooops I MAY have lied before....

More angst comin 'atcha babes.

I'm sorry. We're getting there, I promise. I just love watching you cryyyyy!!!

I'm just kidding I love you all please don't stop reading my stuff.

(fun fact these are Raul's actual hands! It's from a LOF promo. THE FINGIES THO)

Tag List

@bookishfanfic

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@omgsuperstarg

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@gibbs274

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@word-scribbless

@objection-argumentative

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@sassyada

So weird note here it won't let me edit this post on my computer for some reason to add the link to the new chapter and it looks stupid in the app but whatever....I hate this place sometimes. 🤨

You went the next day straight to Rafael’s office, but when you walked into the DA’s building, it was empty. What the hell was happening? Has the whole world gone nuts?

Before you turned to leave, one of the other assistant’s came out of the public bathroom.

“Hey YN, didn’t you get fired?”

“No-- Yes-- It’s a long story,”

“Well either way, I thought for sure you'd be the first one over to the church,” She chuckled.

“I'm sorry, what?” You felt your heart stop.

“The church? Where your subject of obsession is getting married?”

“I'm sorry, WHAT?”

“People talk, Y/N. Word is you’re obsessed with Barba, screaming at him and his fiancée like an unhinged psycho,” She tried not to laugh at you.

“I…” You began to have another panic attack.

“He can't ..how did she...he CAN'T….” You started hyperventilating.

“Ooookay I'm gonna leave you here for your mental breakdown. She scoffed and walked out. You immediately bolted out behind her, dialing Maria’s number, thanking God she gave it to you the other day.

“Hola?”

"Maria he's….he's getting married,” You gasped for air.

“Y/N? What are you talking about?”

“Rafael….he’s getting…” You tried to breathe. “He’s getting married, RIGHT NOW.”

“That doesn’t make sense, Raffi would never rush into something so--”

“You said it yourself Maria, that’s NOT Rafael,”

“You’re right. Well if there’s any trace of my Raffi, there’s only one church he’d get married at. I’ll text you the address and meet you there.”

“Okay…” You started to cry as you caught your breath.

“Hey, mija don’t give up yet, it’s not over!” Maria assured you.

“Okay…” You breathed, and hung up the phone.

-----

At the church you and Maria dashed around to find the groomsman room. You found it and Maria guarded the door.

You busted in without knocking to see Rafael straightening his tie, his tuxedo jacket hung on the mirror. He turned and stared at you in confusion.

“I...I’m sorry sweetie, are you lost?” He had concerns in his eyes. Concern for a ‘stranger’. You hoped it was because he knew you deep down, but you also knew Rafael was just a wonderful man who cared for all.

“You can't marry her Rafael” You said breathlessly, tired from running around the church.

“I’m sorry, what?” He half laughed, grabbing his jacket to put it on. You put a hand up to stop him.

“Because you don't love her,”

“I don't? Really?” He gave you an amused smile.

“No! She's using some kind of spell on you.” You cried.

“...Okay, is this some kind of prank? Is this Carisi’s idea of a joke?” Rafael continued to laugh, looking down the hall to see if Carisi was waiting to yell “GOTCHA COUNSELOR!”

“No, look you have to believe me. She’s been giving you an elixir that makes you think you’re in love with her.”

“...Um, okay seriously, this isn’t funny anymore sweetie,” He stopped laughing.

“I’m not kidding!” You stomped your foot,

“Look honey I’m-- I’m sorry, you must be confused. Did you come here with someone or--?” He put on a patronizing voice.

“I’m not some mental patient Rafael, l'm Y/N! Don’t you remember me? Look at me!” You stepped in front of the mirror.

“....No, I can’t say that I do. Really sweetie you need to--”

“STOP calling me sweetie. STOP patronizing me, and fucking LISTEN to me!!!!”

“...Okay, fine. Then I’m sorry you crazy person, but get the hell out of my dressing room,” He turned serious.

“No! Look listen to me Rafael, you don’t love Liv. She has you under some kind of bat crap crazy concoction of spells to keep you under her control!”

“Okay you’re ACTUALLY insane, how the hell did you get in here?”

“I came with Maria,”

“Maria? How do you know Maria? Oh did MARIA put you up to this?! God I know she was pissed I told her not to come, but to send a mental patient--”

“I’m not a fucking mental patient!” You yelled.

“And I’M not under some kind of bizarre spell,” He yelled back.

“Ok then….why do you think you feel stronger and stronger about Olivia every day?” You asked.

“Are you kidding me? Um sweetheart that's what you call being in love. You fall more and more everyday.” he scoffed.

“Not like that and you know it.” You challenged. “It doesn’t feel like that, I know it doesn’t. I KNOW you find it weird,”

“You don’t know anything about me. I love Liv and--”

“Then why are you doing this SO fast?” You cut him off.

“Excuse me?”

“You barely proposed to her a few days ago-- which by the way, NOT your idea,” You rolled your eyes.

“Wow...you are really...are you stalking me or something?” He narrowed his eyes.

“No, but I know you. You wouldn’t just rush into something like this,” You told him.

“It’s not rushing, honey. We’ve known each other for YEARS,” He scoffed with a laugh.

“Then why? Why now? Why is it SO urgent that you get married RIGHT now?!” You stomped your foot.

“BECUASE I LOVE HER YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!!” He screamed in your face angrily.

“No, you don’t! You didn’t take her to Maria, you didn’t take her to your special place. But you took me,” You didn't back down, you matched his volume as tears lined your eyes.

“And why would I do that? Because I was in love with you? Did I just forget an entire relationship with someone I’ve never met?” He was still yelling.

“No I--” You looked down in shame.

“You what?” He crossed his arms.

“.....I used it first,” You said softly.

“Excuse me?“

“I used it first, okay?” You said tears in your eyes. “I used an enhancement spell on you that made you fall in love with me for a day,”

“Ohhhh I SEE,” he chuckled mockingly. “So what you’re really saying is Olivia is playing your game, just better?”

“NO!” You screamed. “No, the stuff I used only enhanced stuff you already felt. Hers FABRICATED them. And I only used them for ONE DAY, because I love you enough to not want to keep you for myself if it’s not real,”

“But you just claimed it was real,” he pointed out.

“I didn’t know that at the time-- LOOK,” You grabbed his hands. “The only thing that matters is that Olivia is trapping you,”

“With magic.” He looked at you again with amusement.

“Yeah…” You didn’t like this.

“That I assume she got from you?” He nodded at you.

“No she used black magic, I used good magic,”

“Oh right right, the good magic that manipulates feelings. Of course,” He nodded sarcastically.

“Dammit Rafael I’m telling you the truth! I know the real you is there, deep down somewhere. I know he is and I know how he feels about me.

“Right...look you need to let this insane crush of yours go, lady. I don’t know how you know who I am, but I have zero clue who you are,”

“That's not true. I know that's not true,”

“Oh really?” He laughed sarcastically.

“You look like a penguin,” You simply said.

“I'm sorry, what?” He continued to laugh mockingly.

“You look like a penguin,” You looked into his eyes, trying to distract him so you could pour the vial you had in your bra into his coffee next to the mirror.

So now you're just resulting to insulting me? Look you--- Oh my god what the FUCK are you doing?!” He grabbed your hand before you reached the cup. He held it and stared wide eyed at the pink vial.

“What the FUCK is wrong with you? Did...Did some criminals send you? The Diablos have pretty girls doing their dirty work for them?”

“What? No--”

“Ohhh wait,” He became sarcastic again. “So you try and counteract ‘Evil’ Olivia’s ‘magic’ with your own ‘good’ magic, is that it?”

“...I mean--”

“Alright I was tolerating you before, but if you don’t leave RIGHT now, I’m going to call security.” He swiped the vial from you and smashed it on the ground.

“NO!!!!” You dropped to your knees in devastation. That was the one thing-- the ONE thing, besides--- Well, there was no fucking way you were getting anywhere near his lips at this point. You racked your brain, trying to think of something, anything.

“....Your middle name is Eduardo,” You said softly, still on your knees.

“...What did you just say?” Rafael’s face went from amused to shock.

“Your middle name is Eduardo. You tell everybody that it's Antonio but really it's Eduardo. You don't want anybody to know your real middle name because it’s your father’s name,”

“How did you--” He tried to ask but you weren’t done.

“Eduardo used to beat you and because of that you hate him and you don't want anything to be associated with him.” You stood up, not breaking eye contact.

“....How the hell… “ He looked at you. “...You DID use magic didn’t you?” Rafael gasped.

“Yes but I--”

“You used magic to read my mind didn’t you? You used it to manipulate me and try and use my deepest secret into trying to make me think I loved you." He looked at you in disgust.

"No, it's not--" You tried to explain, but Rafael wouldn't stop.

"...That we had this perfect day together, that-- that what I bared my soul to you because I was so safe with you? So IN LOVE with you?" He spat.

"You ARE!!!!" You were crying now.

“Alright that’s it I’m calling security….” He muttered angrily.

“No! Wait, Rafael please...just….just look into my eyes,” you begged. Maybe if he stared at you, he’d remember that day when you held him and planted that memory. You went to grab his hands but he pushed you away from him.

“Get the hell away from me you psycho! SECURITY!” He moved past you and opened the door. “SECURITY!”

“No! Rafael! Please, oh god please, please PLEASE you have to remember. Remember I told you about my Broadway dream, just like yours” He was looking down the hall for a security guard, you were still yelling at him.

“Stop it.” He tried ignoring your words while looking both ways down the halls.

“...And and I told you about how my parents died and you said that you used to play and dance and sing at your abuela’s house because it was the only place you felt safe--”

“STOP IT!” He threw his hands over his ears.

“And then you told me that it wasn't until you met me that you felt that safe again. With ME!!!!” You were sobbing now, trying to get him to remember.

“SHUT UP!!!!!” He screamed, his eyes flashed a bright neon purple. Suddenly two men grabbed either of your arms and started dragging you away.

“Look, Rafael--” You fought the security guards.

"What?" Rafael held up his hand for the guards to stop and let you talk.

"Just answer me this: Even if, EVEN IF you think that I-- I used some mind control and 'took' that memory from you-- have you told Liv?"

"Told Liv what?"

"That story, that memory. Your real middle name!" You felt fresh tears falling, and you swear you saw the purple fade for a moment in Rafael's eyes.

"...Of course I have--" He shook his head with a sarcastic laugh.

"No you haven't. I know you haven't, because I straight up ASKED her what your middle name was, and she said it was Antonio," You smirked at him.

"Well, that's because I haven't had a chance to tell her--"

"You can lie to me all you want Rafael, but you need to really ask yourself why haven't you told her? In the YEARS that you've been 'in love'? Why have you never felt safe enough with her to tell her your deepest darkest shame? Does that sound like 'true love' to you? Does that even compute with what you THINK you feel about her?"

Rafael eyes darted back and forth, purple and blue swirled around violently as he took in your words. But he fought them, and shook it out of his head.

"Whatever, stop trying to play mind games with me you witch," He waved his hands for the guards to take you away, but you added one last thing:

“I’m going to go to your favorite spot in the city, the one place you go to when you’ve had a really long day or a bad day in court. If you go there, and I’m there-- you’ll know I’m telling the truth.”

“Yeah, OKAY. He rolled his eyes. “I’ll be busy getting married, psychopath,” He nodded for the men to drag you out but you broke free and walked out yourself, at least you’d have dignity.

You walked out of the church and broke down in tears. Both Maria and Chloe were waiting for you, they ran to hug you as you fell down sobbing.

“Aw honey, oh baby--” Maria held you while you cried.

“We--We have to go,” You tried to get yourself under control.

“Go? Go Where?” Chloe looked at you confused.

“Central Park,” You simply said.

You had to believe in your love now. That’s all you had left.

[lorrynha]

So there was this thread I wanted to write since I saw bnha288 leaks, and I told myself I wouldn't get back to social media until I finished writing it...

Turns out I'm really really slow at writing, and could manage just to get half of it done 💔

Anyway, I thought it'd be better to post half of it than nothing, since the chapter will come out this week anyway 😅

So here's the half I got done, I hope you like it 🤗

I can't talk enough about how much I loved bnha288. Not just because it gave us some badass Ochako moments we've been waiting since this arc began, and the fact that part of it is her rematch with Toga Himiko is absolutely perfect, but also how this very fight can help develop how Uraraka sees hero society and, more importantly, how this will develop her character even more.

But first, let's discuss what might happen on #bnha289:

IMO there are basically three ways this fight is gonna go down:

• Someone is gonna interrupt them;

• Toga wins;

• Ochako wins.

First of all, I do not like the first one. This is the rematch most of us have been waiting for the most (yes, more than a Deku x Bakugou rematch). It's their moment, with no one to be in their way.

About the last two, first thing to say is that I had a feeling that Mr Compress' marble was totally a chekhov's gun as soon as I saw it, and I'm completely sure that the winner is gonna use it to capture the loser.

Now the second one (Toga wins) is... complicated, to say the least.

Someone might say "I wanna Toga to capture Ochako so she'll have another great rescue arc like Bakugou had". Well... yes, but actually no.

You see, the LOV captured Bakugou for a very specific reason. They wanted that very arrogant and explosive boy, with in their eyes very much potential to become a villian, to turn sides an joint them. But that wasn't what happened. In fact, that arc, and his spare against Midoriya that came after that just how much he wants to be a hero, despite of this very flawed personality.

That rescuing arc not only showed us how the other characters felt about that, but most importantly it showed us how Bakugou really is: he will never become a villian. He had always been a power hunger person, always aiming for being stronger, but he wants to do it all while being a hero. He's not willing to change sides just for power.

Now getting back to Ochako, I ask you: if she lost and was captured by Toga, what would this tell us about both of them?

First, it'd establish that Toga is a sadistic sociopath that wants to keep Ochako for herself because she's obsessed with her. And, well, we already know that. And if that happened, I don't believe Toga would tell the LOV she has Ochako literally in her hands, becuase unlike what happened with Bakugou, they have no intention on turning Ochako to their side, and Toga knows that keeping a hero as a hostage just for fun would cause trouble to the League. I'd be a rather meaningless capture, just to traumatise Ochako to hating Toga and the LOV even more.

Second, it'd establish that Ochako is weak and unskilled, wich is not true. Ochako has been a hero in training for almost a year, and Toga is just a regular girl that joined the LOV few months ago. And think about it: On their first fight, even when Toga was pinned down, she was able to destabilize Ochako just buy calling out her crush and telling her they were alike. Now at the very last page of chapter 288 we have the exact opposite thing happening: Toga is pinning Ochako down, and Ochako's is completly ignoring what Toga is saying so she can focus on her mission. Wouldn't it be very disappointing if Ochako lost again, showing us that she didn't actually made that much progress in her physical, mental and emotional skills since their last fight?

Now I think it's gonna be way more interesting if Ochako wins. Because despite defeating the villain, she won't feel happy nor proud about it. Instead, she might feel confused, wondering if the hero's side is in fact the "good side" of this war.

No, this is not a "Ochako becomes a traitor" theory. She still wants to be a hero, she still wants to go to UA, but now something is bothering her.

That's how I picture chapter 289 in my head:

They're gonna fight, and it's gonna be so badass.

Toga will get to hurt Ochako, scratching her face, her arm or something, but then Ochako manages to steal away Toga's knife and pin her down. Toga is totally trapped, there's nothing more she can do, and Ochako is holding that knife, pointing it at her...

Toga: so, heroine... Are you going to kill me? Are you going to kill me, just like you "heros" did with Jin?

Ochako: Jin? Who's Jin?

Toga: See??? You don't even know his name! So he wasn't a real person to you, right? So you could save him too? Why did you have to kill him!?

Ochako is devastated. She knows they are the villains, she knows they are just getting what they deserve. But here is Toga... not just that random villian that had attacked her, but a girl like her, a girl just her age, crying over the death of a dear friend...

Toga: You call us the villains, but you are even worse!

Toga is very good at disguising her self for deceiving others, just like she did with her a very few minutes ago. She needs to be great at acting and lying to succeed. But right now... Ochako knows she's not faking it. She's genuinely sad.

Ochako: No... I'm not gonna kill you...

She drops the knife in the ground beside them and reveals she has a tiny shiny green ball in her hands.

Ochako: But I can't let you go either.

She then uses that marble to trap Toga.

Ochako watches the girl vanishing in front of her eyes in mere seconds.

"Toga-chan... I'm... I'm sorry... I can't save you right now..." Ochako can see a very little version of Toga inside the marble. She hugs it with her hands and cries quietly.

She spends very few seconds crying. She knows she must get back to their mission. Ochako puts it in her uniform and... her pocket is already filled with something.

Oh, right, that little All Might keychain she was gifted on their Christmass party.

She looks at both of them: the keychain in one hand and the marble in the other one. The hero and the villain, the good and the evil...

Ochako is way too confused right now. But she cannot think about all of that right now. She wipes away her tears and run back to Tsuyu. End of the chapter.

I know I'm probably wrong on my headcanons because I'm not a good writer like Horikoshi is, and I know he and his team already wrote a very great chapter, that I'm for sure gonna love and brag about. But, even so, I do really like this headcanon of mine.

What's the core of Ochako's character? She wants to be a hero because she always wanted to help people. She's also happy and lively girl that likes to cheer everyone up, especially their friends.

We can see how she and Iida literally adopted little introverted Izuku and they became a best friends trio. We see she also became Tsuyu best friend, a girl that's also a little reserved.

At first, she wanted to be a hero basically for the job. And yet, not just for the money, but for helping her parents to have a easier life.

She also realised that helping people also includes not getting in anyones way. She thought a relationship would only disturb hers and Deku's focus on being heroes. So she ignored her crush on him, while using these same feelings as a thrust to keeping moving forward.

(and even if my shipper side felt sad when I first watched this, I have to admit this was a great mature decision of her, and the story wouldn't be as good as it is if she had confessed to him that time. It's great that Kohei is giving time for both their relationship and for their character development)

On the Overhaul arc, right after Sir. Night Eye died in her hands, her motivation developed to "I want to help people" to "I want to save people". Now she was 100% sure about what kind of hero she wanted to be: she wanted to be a rescue hero.

When she saved Deku from Black Whip, she asked herself: "of heroes save others, than who's gonna save them when they need it?". This is a very important moment, because while we know who she's talking about right now, she is still subconsciously thinking furtherly: "who's gonna save the people we usually forget to save?"

And now we're watching her making probably one of the most important steps of her development: "Who's gonna save the villains? If we are heroes, why are we killing them, defeating them, when they're just humans like us that need to be saved?"

Ochako is not the traitor and she never will be. She's still mad at Toga and at the villains. She knows that this danm war is their fault. She just wants it to end as soon as possible, and to everyone to be safe and sound. She's sure that the villains side is the worst thing ever, just as bad as it ever could be. But the point is: why isn't the heroes side as good and perfect as it should be?

----------------------------------------------------------

I wanted to make a part two talking about how Ochako will eventually help Izuku realize that the hero society is not as perfect as he think it is, and how this would be great character development for him. Maybe I'll finish writing it someday 😆😌

Thank you so much for reading this tread. I really hope you like it. Please feel free to comment sharing your opinions on what you agree and disagree about all of this, I'm highly open for your reviews on my thoughts 💗

[minalent]

A trip to the head of a depressed person

Hello. 

I don’t post much, rather not at all, but sometimes I feel like I really wanna say something to the whole world.

Today, I would wanna show you how it looks like in a head of a depressed person. I mean, there are tons of books of studies and researches from different psychologists anf psychiatrists about depressed people, yet I believe that if you don’t go through anything yourself, you don’t really know what it really is like (I’m not only talking about the depression - I wish any of you wouldn’t have to go through depression or any mental illness ever! -, I am talking generally - if you have never swum in the sea, you don’t know how it feels, e.g., and no matter how many people tell you how it feels like, you haven’t experienced it yourself).

Sorry for such a long start. 

I would like to tell you about things you (maybe) didn’t know about depressed people. I’ll use myself as the example, so the things I am saying, I might not be speaking for everyone, but for the most, of us I believe. 

1) We are very sensitive.

You know, being depressed doesn’t really mean you are crying every minute every day for the rest of your life - we also have good days, when we are quite happy and funny and having fun. And boom, then even one word, one silly word other people see as nothing else but a bunch of letters, can send us to an absolute Hell. Because behind most of the words, we might see some other meaning, meaning that is hidden to others. 

For example - someone tells me that they had awesome day with their sibling. Yes, I am happy for them, that they had great time and fun - but on the other hand, my head starts working, and it works like this:

First, there is some problem that I have in my mind - bad childhood, not having something, or on the other hand, there is something I have and I don’t want to, - there is something settled in my brain, and it’s waiting to strike and hurt me.

Then, some of my trigger words or topics is said, and the little “soldiers”, that are serving these problems and mental issues awake, they start feeding onto this word. And as they are feeding, they grow bigger and bigger and bigger and then, any word or sentece or topic, even if it’s not any trigger, becomes one. Since then, the soldiers feed on every word that is being said, and then absolutely everything just makes us panic attack worse and worse and worse. 

It takes some time and comfort to be taken away, to defeat the soldier, but still, the problem is buried in my head, and it’s waiting there to strike again any time.

E.g.:

Someone: I had great great time with my siblings! Me: Awesome, I’m glad you enjoyed it! (I mean it honestly, I’m happy for them.) My brain: Yeah, but you don’t have any siblings to share your time or happiness with. You are alone. And you will never have ones. Impossible. 

Sometimes, when I’m in a very good mood, even the trigger words are like “Okay, let’s move on...,” but if you’re already like half-broken, it’s just a fuel for the panic attack. 

2) We are excusing a lot more. 

For most people, it’s very annoying, and to be honest, I get it.

But that is also part of the problem. 

I may be apologizing for even small things, like falling asleep during a day and letting someone on ‘Seen’ (accidentally) or saying something I consider to be rude or wrong (but the other person doesn’t, it’s just me) - and then I start apologizing. Becuase I feel like I somehow hurt or offended or something else the person and I wanna say ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean it!’ - but mostly, because it’s just in my brain, the other person doesn’t get why I am apologizing.

So I apologize few times, and they start to get angry (usually), so I start apologizing even more, because I don’t want to lose them because of being so annoying or so, and they get angrier and angrier, and so on. 

It’s kind of an equality: the more I apologize, the angrier they usually get, and the angrier they usually get, the more I apologize, and so on and on. 

Usually it ends them being pissedd off at me and just stopping the conversation for some time or completely, unfortunately. 

So please, if you have a friend with this problem - don’t yell at them for being annoying, just try to assure them that it’s really okay and there is nothing to apologize for (which make take some time, but the truth is, yeah, we take a lot of time).

3) We might be jealous/sad because of our loved ones’ inactivity.

We usually tend to have one or two really close ones, and if they’re not spending time with us, we might get either jealous that they’re spending time with someone else (not every time), or on the other hand sad, that they’re spending time with someone else, that they don’t need us or like us anymore (not every time).

It’s not like we want to be pissed off at someone becuase of being jealous or sad because of someone that they are not paying attention to us at the moment, it’s just something in our brain that switches the thinking and we start to be rude/panicking. 

We might take a lot of time, and a lot of assurance and everything, but on the other hand, if we truly love you, we will give you our love back thousand times. We are usually very loyal becuase we appreaciate our loved ones because there is not a lot of them, but we love them even more then. 

4) We might see some things differently than the others.

This time is at receiving what the other one is saying, we take it differently than they mean it, or the emotions get in as well. 

E.g.:

Expectation: 

Me: I love you (friendship, normal relationship, doesn’t matter) Someone: Aw, I love you too. 

! Say it only if you really mean it - if not, just send an emoji or say “you’re great friend” or something, but don’t lie to us and also don’t be too hard (I know it’s difficult, sorry). !

Reality (sometimes):

Me: I love you (friendship, relationship, doesn’t matter) Someone: I know *insert emoji here*

I mean, there’s nothing wrong about it, but some of us may get it like we are a sure thing for that person or it just feels weird or so (personal opinion).

Yeah, we may take it as a joke, it matters on the situation, but sometimes it just pops up in our head and our brain is working with that. 

5) We usually are self-destructive.

When in a bad state, we tend to be self-destructive. Cutting is not the only way how to hurt yourself - punching the wall, scratching our skin bloody, not sleeping or eating at all, etc. 

Mostly it’s not like we really wanna physically hurt ourselves, I believe it’s more like a way how to escape the mental pain we are going through at the moment. We hurt ourselves becuase the physical pain, even when it’s horrible, is easier to bear and to heal than the mental one. 

We are hurting ourselves to not to be hurt that much by our brain and thoughts - that’s the way I see it, opinions might be different. 

6) We might be lying about our state. 

! It’s not like we would wanna lie to our friends, it’s because of these reasons: !

- we don’t want to talk about it, it might be too personal or too harming and we just wanna forget it 

- we feel like we are annoying the other ones with our problems, that they have a life happily ever after, and we are ruining it, or ruining their morning or moment, so we keep it to ourselves, so they don’t have to worry about us or something (usually, the don’t in fact, it’s just our feeling that we are annoying them)

- we are afraid to talk about it with our closest ones becuase we are afraid it would hurt or offend that person, that they could take it personally, and we don’t want to lose them 

etc. 

7) We tend to be indecisive. 

Most of the times, we just can’t decide. Or we are so devastated at the moment that we don’t care at all, or we don’t want to hurt/offend the other person, so we just agree to them. It depends on our mood, or at least for me, personally.

Good mood - quite decisive, even joking about being indecisive Bad mood - indecisive/not caring/agreeing to the other person’s opinion 

~

That’s all for today I believe, thank you for reading all the way down here, it must have been exhausting, sorry, and I hope it will give you a new point of view. 

I hope it will help the people who have depressed person around them, to understand them better and maybe even change a bit some behaviour, to help them fight - thank you, we appreaciate being here for us so much!

I also hope that it will help the depressed people themselves - that you know that you’re not alone in this, and out there are people to help us fighting against our deepest fears and biggest demons. 

Always keep fighting. - Jared Padalecki

[dangerouslycleverbooks]

MARCH WRAP UP???

Hi everyone!

So I decided that Saturdays will be the day of posts. Posts in other days than Saturday will be more random and probably shorter. I do realize that it’s the middle of the month of April and that everyone kind of forgot about March, but I’m about to post my March wrap up anyway.

Because in March I’ve read 9 books I will try to write it as short as I can. It’s not a lot, but I’m not disappointed, because as I said before there are 8 books I need to read per month (because of my reading challange for 2018). Not only I wasn’t disapointed by the number of the books, but also the contents; from all of 9 books I’ve enjoyed every single one, some more, some less, but there is no book I’ve give less than 3*.

The first book I’ve read in March was Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls by Elena Favilli and Francesca Cavallo. I’ve enjoyed these stories. I wish I had this book when I was younger. It’s inspiring and really well written. Most important it’s not only “book for children”, it’s something that we all can learn something from. Not only young girls and what’s most people haven’t noticed; not only girls. While I get a lot of women that were mention in book are not a really good examples to be followed for good girls, the book is not about being GOOD. It’s for a rebel girls for goodness sake! The book is about powerful and influential women, which sometimes doesn’t go along with being “the good girl”.

The next book was Before I Let Go written by Marieke Nijkamp. Best friends Corey and Kyra were inseparable in their snow-covered town of Lost Creek, Alaska. When Corey moves away, she makes Kyra promise to stay strong during the long, dark winter, and wait for her return. Just days before Corey is to return home to visit, Kyra dies. Corey is devastated―and confused. The entire Lost community speaks in hushed tones about the town’s lost daughter, saying her death was meant to be. And they push Corey away like she’s a stranger. Corey knows something is wrong. With every hour, her suspicion grows. Lost is keeping secrets―chilling secrets. But piecing together the truth about what happened to her best friend may prove as difficult as lighting the sky in an Alaskan winter… Though I haven’t gave this book 5* it’s still one of my favorite storie I have ever read! I love the concept, getting to know characters, the wat Marieke wrote this book, not unnecessary the style. I don’t want to say too much because I’m afraid I could destroy you the reading experience.

Another book, or should I say graphic novel, is The Mortal Instruments; The Graphic Novel Vol I. Hanging out with her best friend, Simon, is just about the most exciting thing in Clary’s life…that is, until she realizes there are people only she can see. But when her mother disappears and a monster attacks her, Clary has to embrace a world that she never even knew existed–a world full of vampires, werewolves, demons, and those who fight for the humans, Shadowhunters. I love the idea of the graphic novel for The Mortal Instruments because the first books from the series aren’t really good for older teens and adults. They could easily skip the first three books by reading the graphic version of them! For now, there is only the first half of City of Bones (the first book from TMI series) but there will be more! And hopefully we will get them at least to City of Glass. I recommend buying this edition not only for people who are a bit too grown for the way CoB was writte, but for everyone. It’s fun, the illustrations are really good and also there is one scene that was missing from the original book!

The fourth book from March wrap up is Daughter of the Pirate King by Tricia Levensellet. Sent on a mission to retrieve an ancient hidden map—the key to a legendary treasure trove—seventeen-year-old pirate captain Alosa deliberately allows herself to be captured by her enemies, giving her the perfect opportunity to search their ship. More than a match for the ruthless pirate crew, Alosa has only one thing standing between her and the map: her captor, the unexpectedly clever and unfairly attractive first mate, Riden. But not to worry, for Alosa has a few tricks up her sleeve, and no lone pirate can stop the Daughter of the Pirate King. It’s really typical YA novel and from the synopsys you can clearly say it is cheesy, but I really enjoyed my time reading this. I hope the next book (because it is a duology, and  I haven’t gave you the name of the sequel for a reason; it’s pretty spoilering). Maybe I liked it because the book is about pirates and sea adventures, and I’m all about it! I don’t have problems with light books (and this was definitely one) I also don’t have any stipulations with it. But I do have some thoughts starting with „this could be better if…”. I wasn’t the big fan of a romance in it, but I believe that Levenseller will make it up with another books!

The next two books are my rereads and the first one is Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare. The year is 1878. Tessa Gray descends into London’s dark supernatural underworld in search of her missing brother. She soon discovers that her only allies are the demon-slaying Shadowhunters—including Will and Jem, the mysterious boys she is attracted to. Soon they find themselves up against the Pandemonium Club, a secret organization of vampires, demons, warlocks, and humans. Equipped with a magical army of unstoppable clockwork creatures, the Club is out to rule the British Empire, and only Tessa and her allies can stop them… I’ve reread this book because I am taking part in rereading Clare’s books before Queen Of Air And Darkness release. I have to admit when I first read Clockwork Angel I wasn’t a big fan of it, especially the love trangle. During the reading this book this month I focus on London and the case they were into, I’ve tried to ignore the love affairs and I have to say, I was really pleased with it. I’m not saying that I’m madly in love with Infernal Devieces and it’s not my favorite series by Cassandra, but it definitely jump on higher place.

My second reread is the first book of my favorite duology of all times (which are basically on the same place as Shades of Magic by V.E. Schwab), and that is Six of Crows by Leigh Berdugo. Ketterdam: a bustling hub of international trade where anything can be had for the right price–and no one knows that better than criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker. Kaz is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. But he can’t pull it off alone… A convict with a thirst for revenge. A sharpshooter who can’t walk away from a wager. A runaway with a privileged past. A spy known as the Wraith. A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums. A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes. Six dangerous outcasts. One impossible heist. Kaz’s crew is the only thing that might stand between the world and destruction—if they don’t kill each other first. If you still wonder about buying this book… don’t wonder, just buy it! If you already read The Grisha trilogy, buy Six of Crows asap! Or if you’re not really interesting in reading The Grisha, just jump right into it! I am really mad at myslef for ignoring Six of Crows because of the hype, but it really is worth it, at least for me. There is no words that can describe my love for this book. The first time I’ve read this book in January of 2018 and I immediately had to jump into the second book! I’ve finished SoC at 9 AM and right after this I went to local book store and bought Crooked Kingdom! Still it wasn’t enough so I ended up wanting to reread both books! First time I focused only on the story and the task they had to do, which basically made me miss a lot of really important things in relation between characters. Probably with the third reread (which will probably happen in the next 4 months) I will find something else. Six of Crows is connected to The Grisha trilogy and some people says it’s not necessary to know it before reading duology. I do believe it is better to read Grisha first because there you have the whole magic system and most important thing of this world is in it. Plus Six of Crows happened after The Grisha series which basically means you might find some spoilers, not big one, but still spoilers. I personally read Six of Crows first, but if I could I would definitely start with The Grisha series.

And now the book that I did enjoy but not that much… and everybody seems to love it… and after years of trying reading it I finally finished it. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone or if you prefer The Sorcerer’s Stone by none other but J.K. Rowling. Everybody probably knows what this book is about so I won’t write about it. And to be clear I love the world of HP, I love the films, I love the story, I love characters… it’s just, the book (THE FIRST BOOK) was not for me. I dislike the first movie from the series as well so maybe it’s just how it is. And maybe because I wasn’t growing with the books or that they are written for kids… I didn’t get it.  The only thing I liked about this book was the exploring the world all over again. More details about it etc. For me the worst part of the book (and I do get why it was shown this way, but it still was really pissing me off) is the hate towards Slytherin. That everybody in this house have to be evil. Like they are the worst. (I also might be a bit offended because it’s my Hogwart house).  But I will continue the series becuase after all I didn’t hate the book. It was okay, just not something I am madly in love with… or at love at all. I hope the next books will be better, I’m especially excited about The Half Blood Prince which is my favorite part when it comes to movies. I hope to love this series just as everybody else so much! Let’s hope I will.

Let’s move on to two the best books of March, and the first one is… Strange the Dreamer by Taylor Laini. I am so suprised that I loved this book so much. The dream chooses the dreamer, not the other way around—and Lazlo Strange, war orphan and junior librarian, has always feared that his dream chose poorly. Since he was five years old he’s been obsessed with the mythic lost city of Weep and when a stunning opportunity presents itself, in the person of a hero called the Godslayer and a band of legendary warriors who proposed an expedition … to someone else. Because I’m writing full review about this book, I am not gonna write here much. I really do love Lazlo and the storie following his person, and not only his! I am really happy I did buy Strange the Dreamer and I cannot wait to hear more stories from Laini because she’s an amazing author!

And finally probably best of the best reads of this year is A Conjuring of Light by one and only, amazing V.E. Schwab. I absolutely adore Shades of Magic trilogy, it stole my heart with the first sentence! Because A Conjuring of Light is the third book in a series I won’t write anything about it, except the fact that it did broke my heart and left me empty, and yet the ending was so satisfying and beautiful that I cannot complain, but I do need more. And I heard we will get the stories set five years after the Shades of Magic, but we will see what will happen! For now, I will just highly recommend you this trilogy.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my little wrap up and that people won’t jump on me becuase of Harry Potter… we all should respect each others opinion, I mean, everybody has a right to have one (..right?). But that’s it for much, thanks to anyone who read this and let me know down in a comments what was your reads of the month of march and what was your favorite? 🙂

[astraltraveller]

not an end to all the endings.

so i guess the last time i made a post about this, it was late aug ish. early sept maybe. i remember being crushed after. i remember feeling used because rarely does a guy want to have sex with me and not want to date or try someting. especially when the guy seems like a good guy. and i remember so fondly of the hope that surged the night of. when i got that apology msg and actually felt like maybe there was something there. my heart lept. it surged. it was a rushing and hopeful feeling, the feeling I had rarely exdperieneced from my history of being with someone who didn’t nkow hwo to appreciate me or apologize for their mistakes. itw as such a breath of fresh air and deep down inside i had a feeling that he was going to do a 180. i din’t think he would ask me out to date me, but i knew it would be at least asking for a second chance. and a second chance it was. i remember not expecting to go to a nice place at all. i remember walking agood 15 min to a nice, hipster, refreshing, new start place. I wanted to say that iwanted to go back ot that time but i dont know if i really do. I dont know if anything will change.i rmember tryign ot put off the conversation because i knew what was coming and my heart was saying this is it and my head was saying this is too good to be true. And i had just finished being hurt, i didn’t think there would be a second call. I just didn’t want to deal. When it finally poured out what was really up, intnerally i was jumping for joy because it was even better than waking up from a bad dream. It was as if you turned back time and could change it all. Coming out of a bad dream means just that. It doesnèt affect what actually hpapens. Fror me on that day, something actually changed. Iwas happy. I was grateful. I never felt that way before about a guy being so forward with an apology. it felt so nice. it felt so mature. for a while i believed this was something different. it was like a fresh start. I felt hopeful, I felt liked. I felt like someone made a mistake and was trying to get me back. it was like with soumil but … more raw. without such a big long mistake. it was a short pinch, an injection with an old school vaccine. rough and hard but it’s so fast it really barely has time to make a lasting impression. it doesn’t leave longing. it leaves soreness that feels good, that feels like life experience.it was thrilling. i remember it was suhc a heart to heart. i was quite happy in that moment ot hear, even indirectly, that this person had in fact not meant what they said, that they actually would consider dating me, and that they made a grievous mistake, grievous enough to backtrack and fix it right away. to swallow one’s pride.

I did find it strange shortly after that there was some distance. there was chatting, but i recall it as not quite on the same wavelength. they didn’t show up often. it wasn’t reliable. i would later find out that it was a tooth infection, being sick, and being busy.

bad liars always lie.

I believed him though. i believed it because those things happened. i lamented to amit about it. hwo annoyed i was. how at the coffee shop he had suggested going for lunches and then going to drinks. (never dinner, oddly). to which i always said yes. was always thrilled. was on the defense and never offered first because i had jsut been hurt and was cautious. even initiating of messages was liek that. i was playing this weird game wherei would avoid talking last because i noticed he would always type a message after. i woud also rarely initiate, a what’s up, etc. pictures became less frequent.

a side note. i will talk about this more later but i actually spent most of my train ride today pondering why things ahd changed. wondered if is houd say something. not sure waht to say, so i scrollled through all the messages from the beginning. realize that he talked on an almost daily basis. lots of talking points. long messages. lots of pictures. i don’t know where that went. if anything, wouldn’t your interest be piqued and you feel more comfortale sending them later?  iremember when i went to visit mill in canaidan thanksgiving. i remember awaiting messages. i even played the mute game because i ddint want to know. evenutally i got a reply ot a picture i sent pretty promptly but i didnt ralize til a day later. i was internally a little devastated because i remember that during my interview trip, he had messaged a lot, not only to check in on how i was, but also to send pictures. liek the blender bottle. and stuff from the cottage. and i don’t know why i epxected that to happen again. but even by then things had changed. this was after the coffee. i was thinking to myself, what did i do wrong? where is this clarity? i knew deep down my gut instinct to message him and send one of the few tumblr drafts i had just didn’t come off right. it evolved from

I don’t want to be saying this because you don’t owe me an explanation, but I think it should be noted that the way you’ve been treating me has really been

I didn’t want to say this, but I think it needs to be said because it’s just straight up not respectful.

did i say something wrong? I feel you’ve been quite shunning lately and I’d appreciate if you were more straightforward. i feel really confuse and it’s making me a little uncomfortable

did I say something wrong? I feel shunned and it’s confusing

it doesn’t feel straightforward

did i say or do something wrong? based on how conversational you’ve been, I don’t think I need to tell you why I’m asking

did I say or do something wrong?

I was looking relaly intnetly at the messages to see when mine had been seen. i knew something was up when i looked and saw that he was active and just didn’t view it. and then he saw it, almost an hour later. and that was 10 min after i opened to check. my heart sank. i messed up didn’t I? I said that I do’nt like excuses. but it was prefaced by omething he brought up. and i didn’t talk about his exucses lately. but what i really wanted to say was, care to explain? the day after the hotel, you saw i sent snapchats but didn’t open them for hours. finally oepened it to send a message. nice, but short. a couple of smileys. i then sent a text reply. unread for 4 hours but was active on fb. then i sent a video which got seen quickly. then a reply iwthin 10 min. then i knew by then that the shunning was on so i decided not to engage fully. no smileys, short. no furahter conversation.

with each iteration, I projected less and less blame. partially becuase it sounded caustic. partially because i didn’t think itw asrigiht. mainly because he’s leaving to the new office probably by next week. did i want to leave my last imrpession, with no smeblance of possibly hanging out, as an awkward, hanging-in-the-air immaturity, act of pointing fingers, blamingand blaming, the same way as i had done shortly after the coffee confession (when I said i went too easy on him) and after I scalded him for being a flake? was that the impressi on ireally wanted to leave? any possibility of spending time would be nill. and we’d never see each other by necessity.

i didn’t want to take a shower and give it a thoguht. i wanted to press enter and be done with it. i wanted to tell myself that maybe he would message. maybe he would fall asleep arleady and he just wouldnt see it and id have to stare my message in the face knowing that i couldnt change it. becuase he wouldn’t reply ot it right away. iknow this from experience.

but i did. i took a shower and really thought about it. it became, very quickly, “did i say or do something wrong?” because this was short, curt, a genuine question, not salty, not inflammatory, and not incendiary. it was a genuine short question.he would either answer yes or no.

and then it hit me while i thought about it. do i need to send this message? what will i learn from this that i don’t already know? nothing. i already know everything i need to know. i was just trying not to face it. hojin told me. and it makes perfect sense. if you like a girl, you don’t play gamees like that. and you certainly don’t backtrack 100% and go from snapchatting how im doing and dinners and food and leading to naughtier talk and quick responses to how im feeling, to not sending a single picture except a certificate. to taking 8 hours to open a snap. to open. messages. that takes a special kind of potential to use. it’s the kind where all you just want is to get laid. to satsify the curiosity that i probably had sown by sending my vibes. and a freaking snap story wit hthe blue one. i’ll awlays wonder if that woudl have happened if i had just not sent those. would there still be more of that excitement, that ambiguity? did i give it away too early?

I really enjoyed the time in the hotel. i really enjoyed that night. i was really, much like myself when i had the coffee that time. i was so thrilled that he wanted to have dinner with me and offered the whole takeout thing. it was relaly sweet. he was kind. and oh was he horny. i mean we ate for an hour and talked and … and oddly enough, after the sex iteslf it was so… almost relationship like. it was strange. it was … intimate? i remember things that i won’t say in detail, but esentially the fingering at the movies, the asian pr0n, wanting to fuck me since we really started talking,the kissing at the end as if he couldn’t get enough. and me, in a daze… “see you on monday”.

what was i really thinking? i was giddy. i did notice as well, there was no messaging when he got home or i did. not even a simple one. to ask if i had gotten home safe would be silly, i didn’t leave. but was that not his role? wouldn’t it have been strange of me and extra clingy and oxytocin-highed  to ask if he was home safe?

perhaps it would have been. and perhaps i should be glad i didn’t. i was surprsied to see that i didn’t get any messages from him after my lsat. he didn’t owe me any. but i just didn’t expect that. i thought, surely if he was so intent on having dinner, snapchatting so often, messaging, heavliy flirting.. saying that he should have kissed me the time penney gilbert came by… all the while (not drunk)... surely.. a message? a good luck? a “i hope it’s going well”. nothing relatoinship-y. i mean, clearly i didnt need to say that because i was writing a test taht started well early in the moring, which is why i was in the hotel in the first place. and i didn’t finish till 1. at which point i promptly snapped a picture. and i walked with baited breath and worked half-aware, waiting for that vibrate. waiting that maybe there would be some interest in me, in my work, in my day, in hearing from me. but there was none. not till much, much later taht day. so late in fact, that it was 11pm on saturday night and i was pissed enough t odecide not to open it and wait till morning. i was pretty devastated. had it all crumbled so fast? what did i last tell him before i left? “how is this different from last time?” “because if i didnt have to go, i would stay”. oh really? says who?

I was hurt, yea. I didn’t think that i fell off the radar of being important so quickly. it went from me being “slow” replying in 15min, to him taking 5-8 hours while during awake hours and being clearly active elsewhere.

I chalked it up to being busy. I didn’t want to be insecure. but there was something inside of me that was realizing i was being shunned. it hurt. it was so drastic it was so.. fast. it was so soon. it was so ruthless. it was so deliberate. it was so uncalculated. it was done so easily, like it was clearly his only choice. “why would i do anything else?” it’s like the coffee conversation never happened. it was like the no-words version of “what are we?” “i’m not ready to date”. i thought things were different. not that i expected to date, no that i expected any dramatic proposal… but .. never did i think i’d be shunned. it’s like i got whipped around really quickly and was scrambling for the first explanation.

but when you’re in defense and cautious, you don’t think of pragmatic solutions. you think of comfortable solutions. you think back to the first time we went out after i mentioned how this was a shitty situation. we went to duke’s refresher and bar and it was a good time. we talked about everything, but specifically about christmas market. it was really nice. i had a great time. that’s what makes all this so jarring. i know this is the case because i messaged him first for the snapchat on sat, the vid on sun. and then the facebook link about russia being outted from peyonghcnag on tue,then wendesday about meetings on wednesday. it’s clear. i think i was in denial. and it really didn’t truly hit me until about an hour ago. it was when i raelized, that usuually after good sex and a good connection, i like to replay the situation in my head. i only had one chance to do that while still giddy and no semblance of a change was present. and taht was the 4am morning i woke up on the morning of lsat. i couldn’t sleep after and i rmeember lying between those king bed sheets and thinking that i was so lucky and happy. on the bus ride home, i was tired. i was sad. i didn’t get any messages back. they weren’t even opened, which somehow hurt even more. i didn’t masturbate since that night. I just don’t feel it. it doesn’t make me horny. it makes me sad. it makes me horny only when i feel that the enjoyment is reciprocated, that we’re both equally giddy and excited about what went down. i couldn’t do it though. I haven’t been feeling it. because i know that something didn’t sit right. it didnt’ feel like last week, or any week before that. conversations were short, blunt, cut off by other people without returning, and nothing was initiated.

i think this is the beginning of the end.

it make me sad because we went on proper dates. we went to the christmas market, which was a great time. it’s a romantic, couply place. i like looking at it on instagram, other peple posting pictures fromit, becuase it’s so sweet. Ifeel like part of me won’t be able to handle christmas markets the same. it feels like a sham. i felt something, i felt wanted, enjoyed, shown around, in a pretty romantic, couply, festive, really one of a kind environment. ther’s really nothing like it. the crowds suck but i had lots of laughs , like when i took some poor pictures for some people in front of the christmas tree. like when there was a light tunnel with a heart at the end of it that we were awkwardly dodging. like when we had mulled wine, hot choclate, cider. like when we had a nice walk there and back. and while i write this i just cant help but think, did i do something wrong?

the dinner, c’est what. it was nice. good chats and it turned a turn as usual. blew off other skype calls for me. it was nice one on one time. time just flew by. i really liked it. we chatted about everything. like always. i like talking to him. i like his humor. he said he liked me, and he still does. and i gave him a second chance. and i gave in. and we did it. and this is what i get? i really don’t feel like i deserve this. but what  can i say?i don’t have to ask what it means. i know what it means. it’s just that up to an hour ago, i didn’t really want to admit it.

coudl i ahve not been salty about excuses? maybe. but i didnt say that to him. it was pretty benign. maybe he just really didn’t have anything to say. i mean, when he mentoined the coffee thing, i already said that that was really nice of him and i appreciated it. but i think it was a nice way of me mentioning that i know what’s up. he wan’st oblivious. i also could have done a “oh no questions, it was easy :D” and asked what he was up to… but let’s be honest. what did i just go over? i’ve been shunned. was i gonna play dumb and act like none of that ever happened? it bothered me. ti’s been bothering me since i looked at my phone on saturday… and was genuinely surprised. taken aback. didn’t expect that in a milloin years. nothing. and nothing on monday.

sometimes i get twinges of , “ should i have said something?” but i realize the only thing I’d be showing is that I can be petty, that i complain. actions speak louder than words. there is no explanation that would do his choice of actions justice. it’s self-explanatory. it’s not an accident what he chose to do. its clear that i knew what was going on. i was not oblivious. “I don’t like excuses”. in fact, to drive that home, I made the right decision to not say a thing. because im not interested in hearing what excuse there may be. i also don’t really need an explanation for whether or not i said or did something wrong. what would it tell me? maybe it’d tell me if I actually did somthing wrong (and the shunning was really self-inflicted), or if not, it was a change of heart on his end. but me wanting to hear from him was less of trying to get an answer to my question, but rather to get a response. to let him know that i know what’s up. but it��s already evident. I said I don’t like excuses. and really my actions in the next while will say more than i think. I won’t be as smiley, I’ll be friendly but guarded. I get it. he’s just not that into me. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

I’ve been counting in my head, the presence or absence of him, by the days of the week so carefully in the back of my head, every week. especially those since starting in september.

my days became marked by whether or not i saw him. what we talked about. did he come visit? did we chat? not even just if we flirted, but if he dropped by. for how long? were we alone?

i feel like i’m mourning. i’m mourning because there’s a beautiful office down the hall that’s almost done, that’s almost able to be moved into, december 12. that’s next week. he said another thing , that it’d be nice to come and visit. im scared. i’m scared that after that, there’s no reason to catch up, there’s no reason to chat, there’s no reason to check me out or pass by each other, or to get coffee… there’s no reason. different rooms with keys that don’t work. down the hall but yet barred apart. ther’es just no reason. talking ot him now is like pulling teeth. granted, him asking me to drinks and things was done over messaging, but we’re going to become those sort of people… that sort of friendship where you check in once every 2.5 months to ask how life is. and that makes me sad. because that can happen as soon as 5 days from now.

we talked about something on the 11th. his mom’s going to costa rica. that was the plan, to go to his place, to essentially have sex. you know, wiht privacy and stuff. but that requires an invitation. and i was trying to warm up to it by initiating messages. even though he’d try to chat in person… it would quicly become something else. something...clinical. something that woudl be interrupted. my excuse comment would ahve just been maybe, something he just didnt have a response to. wouldnt’ be the same time. but if the week goes as it already has been since last saturday, there will be no meetup next week. which is ok. i am not really sure i want to have sex. im not in the mood as of now. I’m really not dying to. what i want more than anything is a chance to talk without talking about the possibiility of a relatoinship, just to talk about what has been. he did say we could hang out before then, but that was, of course, while he was horny.

and thisis minor, but him playing dumb at me reutrningthings at eaton center was a little jarring. he’s not an idiot. he knows what i was returning. and he acted like he didn’t want to say a single thing about it. or bring it up. it’s like it’s being suppressed already. and i dont get it. you don’t have to love me. i don’t love you. but are you sure you’re not using me? this hurts.