#also I just checked my hours for this month and it's 38. 38. what the actual fuck

[boyapologist]

hm. what

[wandascrush]

Welcome to the world

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Pain, birth, crying, water breaking

Cold sweat lined your forehead when you opened your eyes, adjusting to the darkness in the room. You flung your sheets off the bed and sat up, immediately holding your tender belly. You felt nauseous, cramped up, and sweaty- the worst combo. Immediately, you waddled over to the restroom, splashing cold water on your face and taking shallow breaths in and out. Phew- you were calming down, everything was okay. Just the normal symptoms when your 38 weeks, nothing new.

You hoped the warm light pouring into the bedroom wouldn’t wake up your exhausted wife that only got four hours of sleep the night before, tending to your early morning sickness. You felt bad but hey, you were equal, it’s not like you got any sleep either with this little one growing inside you. You finished drying your face off with a towel and drinking some water through the sink when you decide to head back to bed and try to get more rest, it was probably just some Braxton hicks pains. That is until you felt a gush of water down your legs, your water broke

“Nat-,” she didn’t even stir. You gripped the side of the door frame, hands turning red as you groaned out in pain, “Natty!”

Two hours later you were in a delivery room, damp with sweat and a worried, but excited, wife holding your hand. The hospital lights flooded your vision as nurses and doctors came in and out, checking your dilation. 

Tender lips brushed the top of your head, “Shhhh detka, this is the moment we’ve been waiting for, just a little earlier than planned. Breathe, that’s it, in and out, just like that sweetheart,” and when you looked into her eyes you’d never seen so much love from another human. Your stomach immediately cramped again, pain washing over you as you closed your eyes and took shaky breaths out loud.

Clint was on his way with Laura, the future uncle and aunt of your child, speeding down the highway. Steve, your baby's future Godfather, was two hours away picking up flowers for you, a teddy bear for your little one, and candy for Natty and himself. The rest of the group was getting back from a mission overseas, no doubt they would miss the birth, but you knew they’d be there ASAP.

The warm glow of the bright lights kept you up, even as you tried to shut out all other senses. Closing your tired eyes and imagining what the cries of your baby would be like was the only thing that brought you comfort. Once the pain subsided and nurses stopped poking and prodding you, images of your new family of three eased your mind.

Natasha was right by your side, rubbing your back through the pain and nausea, dabbing your forehead with a cold compress for the hot flashes and feeding you ice chips. In this moment she swore to herself you’d never looked so beautiful. You were her dream come true. All three of you. An hour later your redhead had to step out to update Maria and Fury on what was going on.

At first, sure Fury was disappointed to lose one of his best agents for a couple months for maternity leave- but he couldn’t hide his excitement either.

Laura’s sweet gaze was above you in the meantime, gently lifting your head up to press cold compresses on your neck and chest.

“Hey momma, how’re we holding up?” She grabbed some water for you and adjusted your pillow. 

“Well, for starters I feel like a tiny human is kickboxing with my insides…so right on point I’d say.” You tried to sit up on your elbows, wriggling your way through the copious amounts of hospital sheets.

It felt like hours before the nurses gave you the go-ahead to start pushing. You had never been so glad for any decision like the decision to get an epidural during delivery. Was it still painful? Hell yes. But did it hurt a lot less? Also, hell yes. Natasha felt useless watching you, not being able to help. It was like being stabbed in the chest every time she heard you scream or start to cry. The best she could do was not keel in pain when you practically broke her hand from squeezing it so hard. And then- in a magical instant- she was here. 

Mae Lena Romanoff. 

This beautiful, new child you just delivered was crying and being wrapped in a blanket.

You and your wife’s biggest dream had arrived and she was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen. Her nose was the same as her momma’s, with your e/c eyes. She had a full head of brownish-reddish hair like Natasha’s, damp on her small head. You couldn’t help yourself from crying, sobbing really, as you looked at this little doll in your arms. And as you looked up at Natasha, she was crying too.

The nurses started cleaning you up and doing all the usual routines after giving birth, making sure not only your baby was healthy but yourself as well. Natasha took the baby in her arms and sat by you, marveling at this little joy she created with her wife. Her gentle arms cradled the baby close to her ear as she whispered to her, “Welcome to the world, little one. As long as I’m here, no one will hurt you. Not ever.”

An hour later the room was filled with Clint, Laura, their kids, and Steve. All of them gently stroked the baby’s head, cooing and “awww”ing. You held her close and pointed to everyone in the room, “That’s your Uncle Clint, he’s going to teach you how to shoot a bow and arrow. And that’s your Auntie Laura, one of the best people you’ll ever meet. Those are your cousins that are going to play with you until you’re all grown up. And that right there, is Steve. The best Godfather anyone could ask for. Later on you’ll meet Tony and Pepper, they’ll get you into so many adventures. We’re all going to love you so much, sweet baby. ” If you could freeze this perfect moment in time, you absolutely would. You knew that as long as you had Natasha, your daughter, and this village to help raise her- your family would always be okay.

[capitanooos]

online friends... and a tutor // kaedehara kazuha x reader (highschool au)

-`♡´- pairing : kaedehara kazuha x reader

-`♡´- summary : when reader gets assigned a tutor to help her with math, some secret identities get revealed

-`♡´- warnings : math | idk nothing

-`♡´- notes : this was written when i was crushing on my now ex ;-; but this was also something people loved on my old blog so repost! i hate math, scored 2.7/10 on my recent exam

dont translate, modify or repost my work. you do not have permission

Ping!

Your face brightened up as you heard your phone go off, you were glad the classroom was already full of noise so the teacher hopefully didn’t notice. 

Hey what you up to? 

Hiii!! Nothing much, just waitig for class to end tbh, wby?

waiting**

In class AND on your phone? Are you trying to get into detention, my dear?

Not that I should be talking, I’m doing the same.

Yk I can’t just ignore you, that’d be mean

I’d be worse if you got detention again, dummy.

You bit your lip to stop yourself from smiling. It had been what? Six months since you met this stranger online? It didn’t take more than two weeks before you became inseparable. Socials were shared soon enough, though neither of yours showed anything but pretty pictures or fit-checks. You knew he was in the same school year as you, though he was a year older because of an early birthday. But you had no idea where in the world he lived, he was more secretive about that but you did figure out that you were in the same time zone. You didn’t really mind, you liked figuring him out on your own and he didn’t mind that either.

Would be worth it tbh.

Read 14:38 PM

Kadeh? You alright? Don’t tell me they took your phone LMAO

Delivered.

“[Name], busted.” your english teacher stood in front of you, and as he said, you got busted. “I know you’d much rather be texting your boyfriend but c'mon.” he held his hand up, signaling for you to hand your phone to him.

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Sure, sweetheart.” he rolled his eyes at you before standing straight again. “This is three times, that means detention. Go to classroom sixteen at four o’clock, I’ll be there.” 

You let out a deep breath, of course you got busted, you jinxed it, and now you both lost your phone for the day and got detention. 

“Girl, sooner or later he will get bored of you and drop contact.” your friend said, “You know that’s what happens with all online friends.” you looked at her and tried your best not to slap her. 

She’s right, you know. One part of you thought, while the other protested. No, she isn’t. Kadeh wouldn’t do that!

You turned your head around and ignored her for the rest of the day.

“Hey teach,” you entered classroom sixteen a bit before four o’clock, walking up to your English teachers’ desk to sign off your name on the detention list. Your eyes scanned the paper for other names.

Childe. Reason: disrespectful behavior. Of course he’d say something stupid.

Itto. Reason: disturbing class even after two warnings. Nothing new

Chongyun. Reason: talking through my lesson with Xingqiu. Of course, the cute freshmen couple.

Xingqiu. Reason: talking through my lesson with Chongyun.

[Name]. Reason: texting during class. Sigh.

Yoimiya. Reason: disturbing class even after two warnings. That rarely happened, she must’ve been excited over something.

Kazuha. Reason: texting during class. Seemed like she wasn't the only one today.

Cyno. Reason: playing cards with Kaveh during class. Tcg obsessed assholes.

Kaveh. Reason: playing cards with Cyno during class.

“Sir, could I have some blank papers? I filled up my notebook during my last class.'' He handed you some and you turned around to find a seat where you’d be sitting for the next hour. You found a spot next to the window behind Yoimiya, who smiled at you. You watched the others come in, Cyno and Kaveh going straight to the back of the room, Childe sat in the row next to Yoimiya and the two started chatting away, Itto moved to the spot right besides the door, Xingqiu and Chongyun were in the front, and finally the last student entered the room. Kazuha, you didn’t share any classes with him, you were in classes one, and he was in two. Meaning you’d never gotten the chance to properly meet over the last few years. 

You knew him from walking around in the hallways, standing in line behind him in the cafeteria, small shared smiles and awkward nods as you locked eyes with him during lunch. After he signed off his name he walked to take the seat beside you. 

“So I wasn’t the only one caught texting today.” he joked as he sat down, holding out his hand, “Kaedehara Kazuha,” 

Seemed like today was the day you finally got introduced to him.

You fell down on your bed with your phone in hand. 

Kadeh? You alright? Don’t tell me they took your phone LMAO

Guess what? They did, and detention.

MINE TOO BYE AND THEN TEACH PUT ME IN DETENTION AS WELL

So you WERE trying to get into detention, huh? Pfft I didn’t realize I had made friends with a bad girl.

You just told me you got into detention as well and you’re calling me bad? Your teachers are just as bad as mine, or you’re just as bad as covering your schemes as me.

I promise you, my dear, I am not bad at covering up my secrets.

You must have a lot of them then.

How ‘bout you come find out?

You giggled at his texts, he never failed to make you do so. As you rolled off your bed to grab your homework and laptop you heard your phone buzz a couple of times, and coming back to your bed you checked your messages.

No worries tho, I’m not THAT bad. 

I don’t sell drugs or guns or stuff like that

I just get into detention for giving my sweet girl the attention she deserves.

Which is totally worth it except when they take my phone and I CAN'T text you.

Whoops sorry was gettrng my books and laptop

You not respondfing within a minure basically menas your phone got taken, and possibly got detention too. Or you’re passed out on your couch

But I gotta go, well not that i wnat ot but i have math homework that i have to make otheriwse theyll assign me a tuotr and i dont want htha

Fuck ym grammar oml

No need to apologize dummy

But go make your homework, I won’t disappear

“[Name] your test results weren’t great. I see no other choice but to assign you a tutor to help you out ‘till the end of term.” you stared at your math teacher in defeat. You knew you weren’t great at math, but Kadeh had explained the difficult things to you since the guy was amazing at basically everything. 

“Is there really no other thing? Something that doesn’t include a tutor.”

“Yes. You paying attention.” he looked back at you before grabbing another paper from his desk. “Let’s see, it says here that Kaedehara Kazuha is available, you good with that?”

That wasn’t the worst person, he was pretty chill to you ever since you met in detention. The awkward nods and smiles now turned into small conversations and hello’s, with still the smiles. “Yeah sure, fine by me.” “Great, just go to the library after your last class and you’ll probably find him there.”

They gave me a fucking tutor.

Turns out my test didn’t go as well as i thought it went. 

Ughughughughguhgughugh 

Why me.

Read 11:32 PM

As you were about to type your next message your head and later body hit something–someone. 

“Ouch!” your hand flew up to your head and the books in your hand fell to the floor, where your phone already was. 

“I’m so sorry, please. Are you okay?” you knew that voice and you looked up to meet Kazuha’s eyes. You nodded in return, crouching to gather your books and phone.

“Though my screen protector is less fine,” you laughed as you saw it shattered, your messages with Kadeh gone blurry due to the cracks. “Are you alright?” looking at him he sat down beside you to help you with your books. “I am, no worries. I was just texting my f–someone. Where’d your bag go?” he said, standing up with some of your books in his hands and offering you the other; which you gladly took. “My friend's bag broke, and I just had these few books so I gave her mine. Besides, I got a spare tote in my locker.” you reached out to take the books from him, but he turned around and started walking.

“I’ll walk with you, can’t let a pretty girl carry these heavy books alone now can I?” 

You laughed at him while shaking your head, a slight blush coming to your cheeks.

“Did you hear the news already? My math teacher assigned you as my tutor.” quickly changing the subject you walked to your locker as he followed behind like a lost puppy.

“Yes, I saw the email come in. Wanna meet in the library after class?”

You agreed as you opened your locker and placed your books inside. You grabbed the spare tote bag and threw in your economy books and art supplies for your next few classes. “Sounds good, and thank you and sorry.”

He winked and turned around to his next class.

Okayhe isn’t hat bad

Excudr my grammsr my screen protecotr broke cuase i bumpedi nto him and ym stuff fell

No worries, dear.

See, I told you it’d be fine. Now you have someone that can explain it to you one on one, instead of over dms.

Kazuha looked back over his shoulder to see [name] typing away on her phone, and at the same time his phone was exploding.

Yes but youre jsut better yoou know. 

I meani dk him yet idk how he ‘teahces’. 

What if i dontunderstandh im? 

Yk i odnt like telling people i odnt understand.

It’ll be fine, dear. You just go to his lessons, pretend to understand, then afterwards you talk to me about it and I’ll explain some more if needed. Sound good?

Thnak you kadeh ilysm

I love you too, my dear.

A small smile danced over her features and she scrunched up her nose in adoration. No way that his best friend and lowkey crush, which was strange since he’d never seen her face, was this cute girl from school who he was now going to tutor.

Gotta go to my nect class, i htae economy ugh.

Goodluck sweetheart, you can do it!

Oh fuck.

“So mister Kaedeh–” you cut yourself off and giving the blonde before you a suspicious look before continueing, “Kaedehara Kazuha, how you think you’ll be able to make the math math for me?”

“By showing you how to think logically.”

You rolled your eyes and smiled before throwing your bag on the floor. As you sat down you checked your phone to check if you got a message from Kadeh or not, and when you saw none you shut your phone down.

“Let’s get started then.”

Twenty minutes later you were solving equations that gave you headaches before. Now it all seemed to make a lot of sense and with Kazuha’s help you were on a streak. He looked proudly as you moved on to the fifth one with no trouble, you raised your writing arm to your face to inspect the equation on the paper, and before Kazuha could ask if you were alright you were already writing again. Every now and then you’d furrow your brows, pout a little, or bite on your lip as you studied the paper. When you were finished you gave Kazuha the sheet of paper with a smile and he started to correct it, explaining how to do certain things faster for example. Sometimes you’d nod, other times you’d give him a strange look to which he just laughed before explaining.

Safe to say that you walked away from the extra math lesson with a lot more knowledge and confidence, and a new friend. 

Okay okay he isnt that bad at explaining. I actually understand it now and i was on a roll, or well he said that. 

After he explained soem thigns eh had me make about  fifteen questions, after he corrected them and explainedw what i did wrong and how ic an do other thigns differently so itll be faster. 

I actually understnasd

I told you it wouldn’t be that bad, dear. I’m proud of you, I know you did great.

Next time im meetng him is enxt week thursday, same time. 

We agreed to meet every week same time until end semester cuase thats what teach said.

Yeah, not that bad right? Just once a week cannot hurt. And he doesn’t seem like the worst type of guy.

He isn’t no, he has a calming aura, its nice to be arounf him. Hes prety too ngl

Thugh some people at school spread some odd rumors aboit him 

Liek that he sells weed and sht.

Oh well even if eh does idc he expains math like a pro.

Anyways imma head home, no driving and texting. Talk soon!! Loveyou

Drive safe, sweetheart. I love you too.

Kazuha stayed in the library for a while longer. When [name] was leaving she was already typing away on her phone, and mere seconds later his phone started exploding. Reading her texts made him sit in silence for a bit before responding. He was now certain that she was his online best friend. She told him the things he told her and it all just added up. He threw his head back as he looked at the ceiling that was painted to resemble the night sky. 

Not before long he saw Heizou and his mob of dark red hair above him. 

“What happened? Why are you slouching?”

Kazuha sighed as he sat up.

“I think my best friend may be in this school.”

“Uh yeah, hello, here I am right in front of ya, buddy.”

Kazuha looked at Heizou desperately.

“Oh shit, you mean [online name]? What? How? Why? What?!”

“I tutor this girl, [name]. This morning I bumped into her while I was texting [online name], she was busy on her phone too. I didn’t receive any messages from her when [name] and i bumped into each other, but she was typing. Then I offered to walk her to her locker and carry her books because she lent her own to her friend. She dropped her economy books into her new bag. Later [online name] texted me she had economy class, and that she hated it.” Kazuha started at the wall as he spoke mindlessly.

“Yeah okay… But those can all just be coincidences, you know.”

“Then just now when she was leaving she was typing away on her phone, and seconds later [online name] started messaging me. Then she told me how her tutor told her she was on a roll, I told [name] that! Then she said that there were some rumors about her tutor, that he sells weed. People say I sell weed! I don’t but they say it!” 

Heizou just stared at him for ten seconds before his mind came up with a master plan that goes as follows.

The next time [online name] is texting him Heizou will sneak up on [name] and look on her phone, if it’s who she thinks is Kadeh then the mission is a success, and if not then Kazuha’s heart will calm down.

And so the following day Heizou stood behind [name] with another friend of his, just ‘talking’. As Kazuha gave the sign she was typing, Heizou looked over her shoulder to see what she was writing.

Yeah! I genuenly cannot wait for summer either ughhh

Heizou and his friend bolted back to Kazuha when she sent it and he snatched the phone from his hands.

Yeah! I genuenly cannot wait for summer either ughhh

He looked Kazuha dead in the eye before giving him his phone back. 

“Go get your girl, loverboy.”

Four weeks had passed since that day. Four weeks, four Thursdays, four tutor lessons. [Name] realized that Kazuha was acting differently lately. She would catch him staring at her during those lessons, or even more often during lunch break. She would always give him her sweetest smile, and he’d return it before breaking eye contact with a small chuckle. Their friends started noticing too, there was some sort of tension with someone in the cafeteria but they couldn’t place who. 

It took another week before Kazuha decided to just go for it. He knew [name] was already in the library because her last class had been dismissed early. So when he saw her curled up on one of the couches, his heart melted. His phone vibrating in his pocket let him know she was texting him, some personalized do not disturb setting that let only her messages through. 

He grabbed his phone and sent her a quick text, ignoring the things she had said before. 

I cant reply rn, I have to tutor someone.

You tutor???@?@!! You never told me

There’s more I haven’t told you.

Like what?

Look up, sweet girl

You looked up in confusion and locked eyes with Kazuha. Your eyes widened and your mouth fell open. Looking back at your phone, then back at Kazuha tears came to your eyes. 

“Hello, my dear” he softly smiled as he took a slow step towards you, cupping your cheeks as tears were seconds away from falling. “You’re–” your bottom lip started trembling as you buried your face into his chest, one of his hands coming to hold your head as the other held your back, slowly brushing up and down. “I hate you–but I don’t. You–”

You felt his chest vibrate, letting you know he was laughing. You gripped at his shirt–which you now realized was the shirt you’d seen a thousand times before on his instagram.

“Who knew the sweetest girl in town,” he dropped his head to talk right next to your ear, “was actually my sweet girl?” He felt you trying to bury yourself even deeper into his chest. “No no, sweetheart, you need oxygen.” With that you pulled back, your big eyes staring back at him, a little bloodshot and your cheeks all red. “Not funny,” you whispered, “You don’t wanna know how much I was hoping you were actually living in my town, went to school here and I don’t know. I’d be happy if that were the case unless you were Childe.” tears came back to your eyes. “And what if it was me?” he rested his forehead against yours, looking you directly into your eyes. Blood rushed to your cheeks as you replied.

“Then I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop myself from falling for you–Kadeh–even harder.” 

One moment you were talking and smiling, looking directly into the male's eyes. The next you were processing what was happening as his lips collided with yours.

“Even in real life you seem to have a processing time to what I say or do.” he said when he pulled back.

“Can you blame me? Look at yourself.” Kazuha swore he saw hearts in your eyes before you closed them again and pulled him back to you, lips once again meeting each other.

“No, I can’t. But you, my dear sweet girl, are even more breathtaking than I imagined you’d be.”

“Mister Kaedehara and Miss [name]! Detention!”

-`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´--`♡´-

dont forget to like and reblog <3

[dollfacejjk]

Helpless || Jungkook ff ||

pairing: jungkook x female lead!reader x another female (unnamed)

genre: angst, 18+, cheating au.

warnings: heartbreaks, mentions of sex and cum, love triangle, jungkook was a cheater, crying, Jungkook is an asshole, our oc(y/n) is a strong and independent girl.

a cheating story from the other woman's point of view,

She watched him pulling out the condom off his dick and throwing it in the dustbin with a tired look. He rolled away from top of her and checked the time on his phone which was near the pillow she was laying her head on.

She also glanced and saw its already 02:34 a.m. He quickly opened his phone and typed something while tilting his phone, keeping the screen away from her gaze. She saw how he brows frowned as he typed away furiously. At last, he groaned loudly and threw his phone on the bed.

She watched him jumping out of the bed before slipping into his boxers. His back red from the scratches she gave him while he was fucking her on this bed just 5 minutes ago.

He went straight to the bathroom, maybe to wash up. She looked up at the ceiling and gulped helplessly. She can still feel the ghost of his hands on her thighs and shoulders, thinking about the promises he made her but was never be able to keep it.

The sound of a ‘ding’ near her ear jolted her out of her thoughts. She glanced to the side and saw his phone unlocked, his home screen was of him with that girl, still.

She bit her lips, wondering if she should sneak a peek at the notification or not and when another ‘ding’ vibrated through his phone, her hands reached up to grab his phone before she can even think.

She moisten her lips and swipe down to click on the notification bar. It opened to a chat.

02:35 a.m.

Jungkook:

Y/n? I wanted to talk to you.

Can we talk today in the evening?

Please?

Are you sleeping?

Baby I know you never sleep this early.

Please reply?

I am really sorry! I just wanna talk.

Only for half an hour I promise!

Y/n? You are online, it is showing. Please reply baby!

02:38 a.m.

I don't wanna loose you!

02:45 a.m.

My life ❤ (Y/n):

I don't have time. Should've thought about not losing me when you fucked that girl in our own room.

Who knows you might still be fucking her.

Anyways don't message me again or I will have no choice but to block you!

She got startled when she heard a thud from the bathroom. Jungkook might have dropped something. She quickly turned off his phone before placing it down bear the pillow. Curling herself more into the blanket, she shifted to her right when tears started forming in her eyes.

“I would break up with her in a few days baby, just wait.”

“You know, Y/n is becoming more annoying now a days. I wanna break up with her as soon as possible.”

“........ I broke up with her and told her t-that I was cheating on her with you.”

“She found another man so soon?”“She really moved on from me within a month!”

“....I t-think I still love Y/n.”

“Jungkook? What are you saying? You broke up with her because you wanted to be with me, right? You even cheated on her with ME!”

She saw him following his ex all day, trying to talk to her, just for her to ignore and roll her eyes at him every time.

She saw him on his knees, crying to that girl, asking her for forgiveness and another chance. He clutched Y/n's hand and sobbed loudly, messily wiping away his tears and blabbing god knows what apologizes.

She saw how Y/n looked rather embarrassed seeing his behavior than feeling pity for his condition. Another man came running in and snatched Y/n's hands way before glaring down at Jungkook's body. He mouthed a quick ‘stay away’ and lead Y/n away from Jungkook.

She glanced in the direction of bathroom when she heard the door click open. Jungkook stared at her in surprise before his face turned into a scowl.

“What are you still doing here? Get out!”

[dearjjunie]

always (kang taehyun x gn!reader)

wc: 901

genre: angst, fluff, right person wrong time au

warnings: hint towards sex in the beginning (literally the tiniest hint), a lot of late night/early morning emotions put into this :,)

a/n: this is my first time in years writing a fic so i apologize in advance ! but i will be working hard to improve my writing in hopes to make you guys happy ! (even tho this may be angsty oops.) pls remember to like and reblog if you enjoy <3 mwah

he looks down at you laying against his chest, you look so peaceful he couldn’t even think about waking you up right now. moving your hair from covering your face as he kisses the top of your head “you deserve more than this” he whispers softly into the night as you shuffle and pull him closer, if he had it his way he would stay in this place forever. holding you close, saying sweet nothings knowing you won’t hear him or remember, but keeping hope that maybe his words will become a part of your dreams, that maybe it’ll be different next time. slipping away as quietly as he can to make sure you’re asleep, looking back one last time before he closes the door.

it always ended like this, with you waking up alone in a bed with memories of him still there. the slight dip and creases in the sheets that he left behind, the faint smell of his cologne still in the air, the tooth brush he left behind knowing that even after the cycle of push and pull continues, he’ll always be back.

it would start with a text, claiming it would be different, he changed, telling you he wanted you truly and only you. only to be left with nothing but the remains of his presence that he left behind, no matter how hard you try to stay away you come running back just as fast as he does. but you weren’t innocent at all, it was equal fault if not the universe itself for making soulmates meet at the wrong time.

maybe one day you can both get it right.

that’s the day you decided to make it work.

a few months later you’re laying in bed with your mind racing, endless thoughts of him, your future, anything and everything going around your head, things have been so good, the only thing you need is him. you groan as you fail to doze off again, not finding a comfortable sleeping position anywhere. ‘fuck it’ you say as you reach for your phone on the bedside table, praying to the universe this time will be different.

yn

why is sleep so uncomfortable

delivered 4:38 am

taehyun

why are u awake . it’s 4 am

delivered 4:40 am

yn

i could ask u the same lmao

delivered 4:41 am

taehyun?

delivered 4:42 am

do you wanna meet at our spot?

delivered 4:44 am

i cant stop thinking about you

delivered 4:44 am

taehyun

i’ll be there in a bit just wait for me at the tree

delivered 4:53 am

slipping on some comfy warm clothes and shoes, you start your way towards the tree that has become your designated meeting spot to get away from the world.

after a short walk you arrive, sitting on the ground with your back against the tree and pulling your knees closer to your body, you sigh and take in the view around you, checking your phone for the time that stares back at you. 5:12. less than half an hour before blue hour, the magical hour as everyone calls it. you wish with everything in you that was true, you needed something to work out right.

hearing footsteps and raising your head up, noticing the blue-haired male also in comfy clothes standing a few feet away from you, he walks over and grabs your hand to pull you up, with no words spoken you both start walking up the hill to your spot.

once you got to the top you sit on the hill with him following your actions, your eyes gazing over the city below. all those people with such different lives, everyone being different but always the same.

you feel his eyes on you, looking towards him as you tear up “i’m tired of this game, i want you. only you.” looking into those brown eyes full of stars as you admit what you’ve been holding in for so long.

he turns his body towards you and motions you to do the same, grabbing your face with both hands as he wipes your tears with his thumb. “it’s always been you, only you.” you let out a sob as you cling onto him, wondering how things got so complicated so quick, why it took so long for the emotions overwhelming you to break free.

he pets your hair as you pull away, looking deep into his eyes for any signs of hesitation, any sign that this was like the other times, only to find nothing but love and adoration. “i’m sorry i took so long, but i know what i want. you.” he whispers to you with sincerity.

you look over to the city again, seeing the blue hue over the scene in front of you, looking down at your phone as you get a notification, with him curiously doing the same as the time turns right in front of you. 5:53. you look back up at each other “i need us to be real this time” is all you’re able to get out before he’s softly pressing his lips against yours, this kiss is different from past ones, used to the rough lust-filled kisses. breaking away from the gentle kiss, you look into his eyes and smile for the first time that day “then let’s be real” he smiles and leans in for another kiss. today was the day you were both determined to stay.

[mylovelookup]

No one wants you on tumblr anymore.

Dear anon who’s apparently been creeping in my asks for weeks, sorry I’m only answering you now but life’s been busy but I guess that concept is unknown to you considering you have the time and energy to throw it on my way. Anyways! Fortunately I came to know of your existence bc you made the wise decision to creep into my comments on ao3 and it’s just my luck that I’ve just now decided to check my emails for notifs.

Anon, I’m guessing you’re the one I’ve “bullied”? But I also believe you’re the same freak who sent me those rude asks about my art and so what that tells me is that you’re just drooling for my attention and somehow hoping for my demise, finger tenting your hands like a villain? Before you were just insulting my art but now you have to actually resort to INVENT things as well, that much you’re desperate…

I’d never understoodd how could someone spend this much energy actively antagonising a complete stranger online bc it’s legit rotten and kinda pathetic in my opinion and that’s why the idea that I could be the one doing that to someone is just preposterous to say the least. Also in the last few months I didn’t have the energy to do anything except doing things which would bring me personal comfort. Drawing and posting fanarts was one of them. Guess you have to ruin that too,uh? You have to be really awful and bitter to manufacture lies… I mean what’s your end goal here? I’m legitimately curious. Maybe you’ve got the wrong person lmao? I’ve never been confrontational with anyone online over anything and I would just rather block people so, just so you know, that could be an option for you as well!

Anywho. I don’t know who you are (although I have my suspicions) but unless you’re the lady at the hospital who I snapped at for trying to not-so-sneakily steal my chocolate milk from my bag(!) (in my defence I didn’t eat anything the 38 hours before and that was the ONE good thing in the snack machine. I don’t like almonds on an empty stomach) I don’t owe anyone any apology.

I’m gonna turn off the anon asks on here and on ao3 and maybe you can show your username (without using burner accounts👏🏻) and be less of a coward in your sleazy ways to pick fight with strangers!

[faegoddessog]

 Seventy Two Hours of Bliss Ch. 38/41

Chapter 38: Letters from the Ice

Chapter Warnings: Explicitly mature content, 18+ only, talk about masturbation, separation angst,

Series Masterlist 

Series Summary:

You are neighbors with Austin Butler on the Gold Coast of Australia just prior to shooting Elvis. You become just friends because he is taken. However, after he is single again, you both find out just how attracted you are to one another and things get unrelentingly hot.

SERIES WARNING: Explicitly mature content, 18+ only,  here there be lemons.

Authors Notes: I started writing this while remodeling my kitchen, so that informed the slightly quirky narrative. It starts slow, but once it heats up, it is on fire. I have tried to pull facts from RL as much as I could, but obviously there are some assumptions and flat out dreamy wishes  involved here. 

Chapter 38: Letters from the Ice

8.25.2020

Hey babe! 

So, yay email! Hopefully this will work for us. :) But the internet is SO SLOW. Even with barely anyone here it took 10 min for my email to load. I am told by the winterers that trying to upload a video is all but impossible. But a picture *can* go through. Thank the local deity that we don’t have to super old school it and use carrier penguins! Yay! Well we finally made it to McMurdo. I can’t believe it’s been a whole month since I’ve seen you, well except for the phone calls in Christchurch. It feels like the band aid is really ripped off now. I’m just trying to breathe through it. I hope you are staying busy or at least distracted. I am excited to finally be here after 5 days of delayed flights as is the rest of my group. We’ve taken to calling ourselves a flock. I have no idea why. So I’ve got a room all to myself right now, but we’ll see how many people show up for the mainbody season in October, I may or may not have a roommate. So, there I was trying to get settled and I opened my big suitcase and found the books and the dark chocolate and the candles and the little bottle of essential oil blend. Fuck it smells like you. It made me cry and smile at the same time. Thank you baby. This is a classic pic me in front of the station sign. It looks darker than it was, but we only had 4 hours of sunlight and there was a storm coming. Wow, I thought I'd been through blizzards at home. This was nothing compared to what they got here! I’d send you a photo. But it’s literally just white.

I do have a confession to make. You remember that freakin’ hot phone sex we had during my quarantine? Yeah… um.. I recorded the audio, yup, every time. I’m gonna listen to your amazing voice telling me to touch myself. I think I’ll lube up my butt plug you gave me and push it into my ass imagining it’s you. Fuck I miss you. I miss your body next to mine at night and your cock in me in the morning. I love you Aus, I miss you. All the kisses for you. ~Your Kitten

8/26/20

Kitten!!!  I’m so stoked that we still get to keep in touch. Even if only over email. That pic of you in front of the sign feels surreal. I can't even tell it's you with all the layers! The landscape looks so desolate. I’m so glad you found my gifts, that’s just stuff I don’t like to live without, kinda like you. I’m not liking living without you. Although I’m STILL finding post-it notes. You little fiend, putting them in all my clothes. Makes me smile and cry too. I did get some exciting news though. Baz, as you know, has been checking up on me since you left. I really love him, he is such a marvelous soul. Anyway he told me yesterday that we will start rehearsals next week and filming is slated to start up again in mid to late September. Thank God, I gotta have something to focus on other than this empty apartment. I’m just waiting for the rest of the crew to get back in country, then I’ll be too busy to think. Also, I’m gonna talk to your Uncle Roy this week and make sure I can still stay here. Baz says the studio will give me a stipend for the apartment and I’ll just pass that along to him. That reminds me, Kate said she had not seen anything related to us from Marissa’s channel and that she would be willing to have a meeting with her, but she won’t make any guarantees. I have a confession too, I went and developed those couple rolls of film we'd taken. It was so fucking sad that you weren’t there to play with while I waited for them to dry. Anyway, You know how I wasn’t sleeping in our bedroom yet? Well, I put the photos I took of you up all over our bedroom and it finally let me sleep in there alone, although I might’ve cried myself to sleep just a little. When I woke up hard I had those gorgeous pictures of you in that black dress to jerk off to. Fuck you are hot and fuck I miss you so much. Oh my god, just reading that you are fucking your ass with my butt plug has me hard, you are such a naughty Kitten. I might have to keep track of how naughty you are and punish you accordingly when I see you next. I wish you were here to suck this hard cock right now. I think when I finish I’ll stroke myself while looking at those closeups of you and imagine your luscious lips wrapped around me. I’d send you a pic of it, but I’m terrified it could get out somehow. I love you more, I miss you terribly, only 187 more days to go.. Roughly. ~Your Aus

9.20.20

Hello my love,  So how’s things? Are you ready? I’m so excited for you to start filming again. You got this babe! I believe in you! (forehead kisses) There were satellite issues again when I tried to call you last night. I’m so sad we keep getting hosed on our phone calls. Soon you’ll be too busy to take a call from me! We are pretty solidly in the groove of our workday, that’s 6 days a week. I’m on the day shift right now and it’s been a bunch of maintenance checks and rebuilds on buildings and answering calls for service. There is a big build that got delayed due to covid, but we will be starting on that pretty soon. The food is surprisingly good. The galley really loves their themes. Taco Tuesday, Asian Nights, Sunday Brunch. The pizza is pretty good too! It’s not a woodfired oven made by the hands of angels good, but when you want pizza, it’ll do. Made a good group of friends, though we are all weird misfits here it seems. Do you remember when people had to talk to each other instead of stare at their phones? It’s like that here, since there isn’t wifi, not that it would work right. It’s amazing how old school it feels, it’s kind of wonderful. Probably sounds like torture to you my shy, introverted darling.

Most of the people here are guys. It’s like 70/30. I’m the only woman in my department, not like that’s new to me. The first day I showed up for work the foreman asked if I was in the wrong place. They tried to give me shit at first until I out-hammered them all in a nailing race. Just a dumb little competition thing. But it stopped them from fucking with me. Yeah, I know my stuff assholes! Lol! Now we are all good. Except for Joe, I do not like Joe. He just rubs me wrong and won’t let the girl thing go. We may have to have a little come-to-Jesus meeting during which I emasculate him with the claw on my purple hammer! The other women I’ve met have also been surprised by the overall disappointing behavior from some of these guys. There is a saying on the ice- “Antarctica: Full of badass women and mediocre men.” This is true. Not all the guys are that way though, some of them are nice and those are the ones that get laid. Yeah, there are a lot of hookups happening and there are free condoms, like, everywhere. No one here is as interesting or as sexy as my man though. Plus, you spoiled me with not having to use condoms. I miss your skin on mine, I miss your lips on mine, I miss your cock in my mouth. Since I don’t have a roommate yet, I think I’ll light your candle, put on the sexy music playlist we used to fuck to and add some of that EO to my wrists. I’m going to suck on my dildo. I’ll start slow just licking the tip, I’ll imagine your hand in my hair and your sky blue eyes watching every flick of my tongue. I’ll make sure my lips are good and wet before I slide it down my throat. And I’ll be fucking myself with my vibrator, the one that's curved. The only thoughts I'll have in my mind are ‘it’s your cock in my mouth, it’s your hand on my pussy, it’s you, it’s you, it’s you’. I’m gonna cum so hard, moaning around your imagined cock in my mouth, I may have to do it twice. God I miss you. Tell me more about how you jerk off to pictures of me, that is so damn hot. I’m just imagining you stroking yourself, playing with the tip a little. Damn. ~Your Slutty Kitty

 9/22/20

My bad, bad Kitty, I do not know how you do it, but are you aware of how fucking sexy you are? Even just via email you get me so riled up. How do you take the mere 26 letters of the alphabet and make them into these sexy fucking pictures in my head?! I miss my cock in your mouth too, I miss you laying out on the bed with your legs wide and my head buried between them. I don’t have anything to lick and pretend is your pussy, but I promise I will make up for it when I see you next. Oh lord I gotta go take care of this massively hard co

9/22/20

Hey love,  Sorry, I hit send without meaning to! You got me so hot I wasn’t thinking clearly. It didn’t take me long baby, I used that coconut oil from just before you left. The scent totally put me right back there with you on your knees devouring my cock. That reminds me, I need to get that dress dry-cleaned… It’s stopped smelling like you now so… I suppose it’s time. I’m ready- ish, the last 6 months made me feel like all the Elvis sunk into my bones. I’ve been working like a fiend with Baz and Polly and Irene and Erik. They have all commented on how it’s different now, more natural. My day is so full of Elvis again it’s hard to think about anything else. I’m so nervous all over again. I’m waking up at 3 again. I miss you. Not just for the sex baby, but you. You make me better. Please keep trying to call, my PA on set will have my phone when I don’t. I put one of your pics up in my trailer, btw, one of the clothed ones. I kiss my fingers and touch it every time I leave and say hello to it when I come in. People that see me do it still don't know who you are, (Baz and Tom are good secret keepers). That last article with the pics of you and I at the airport really threw them all off. I think Kate told me that the paps were searching the passenger lists for all outgoing planes to Europe that day to see if they could figure out who you were. It's fun to keep them guessing. I totally get the hooking up, happens on set too. People are people. I’m not worried about you Kitten. How’s your demon though… she doin’ ok? Getting out of hand at all… pun intended! Ok, early call in the morning. I love you so much. 160 days +/- ~ton Roi

10.11.20

My darling man,  FUCK I am still riding the high from talking to you last week! I can’t believe I caught you in your trailer too! I’m sorry I couldn’t play sexy games back with you because the phone was too public on my end. I loved you telling me how you were stroking yourself though and how you came on your stomach. I went right back to my room, to rub one out. Damn. Luckily my new roommate was at work. She asked me when she moved in why I had a pic of you and me on the wall by my desk. I told her I was in love with you. It was so funny, she sat down on the couch and started talking about you like we were in middle school. ‘ He’s so dreamy and I hear he broke up with his girlfriend and is dating a French woman!’ “was that the only time you met him?” Oh my god, it was all I could do to not laugh in her face. I’m sorry baby, I had to tell her. I hope you aren’t mad! I still don’t think she believes me, even after I showed her pictures of us (appropriately clothed of course). I appreciate you asking after that sexy bitch in my head. She is doing fine, staying on her lead. None of these people would satisfy her anyway. She’s too far gone for you. :) My daily horniness level has chilled out since I’ve not been getting fucked by you on the regular, though there are times! Oh and fun news! I’m going to be setting up a few field camps in a couple weeks, so I won’t be in touch much after halloween -ish. But I WILL be out on the literal ice. Think warm thoughts for me! At least I will get away from Joe! He is still a dick.

~your naughty Kitten (for different reasons)

10/12/20

Kitten,  Of course I’m not mad! Once you are back I want the whole world to know that you are mine and I am yours. Also, Kate set up a meeting with your cousin Marissa. I talked to her and got her info when I talked to Uncle Roy. (He still refuses to let me pay him.) Kate was impressed by her and is planning on offering her a paid internship. Love you baby, go conquer that ice! ~Aus

(Please read the following letter with a deep southern accent of yore) Twenty fifth day of October in the year of our Lord two thousand twenty My darling Austin, I pray that this electronic mail finds you healthy and hale. I have been feeling dashed about by the trials and travails of my good work here on the deep continent. We no longer are a sleepy little hamlet of a mere 200 people. Oh no! A veritable influx of learned people hath arrived, swelling our little cold town to over 800! The light has arisen indeed as we currently receive a joyful 15 hours of sunlight each blessed day. My dear roommate Tabitha seems to have accepted the love that exists between us, my dear Austin, since she overheard our delightful conversation on the telephone a scant few days ago. Indeed it seems she has spread our information to the other members of the kitchen staff as one of the good ladies asked me about it the other day as I procured my nourishment. The person in question didn’t know you, but was happy to know I was dating someone, since apparently the rumor had been circulating that I was a person uninterested, sexually that is. The very idea! My darling Austin, I shall be leaving in two days time for my quest on the ice. It will be my pleasure to erect structures providing temporary shelter from which the good men and women of science may illicit new and exciting information about this oft times perplexing world that humanity calls home. And before you query, yes, I must confess my dear Mr. Butler, I have been imbibing in the devil's drink and yes my loins still burn for you. Pray for me, dear man, that I may endure such hardships that may come and be delivered forthwith into your awaiting arms. With all my love and tenderness. Miss Kitten P.S. Sorry about drunk-as-fuck girl up there, she is just being silly. Can’t wait to fuck your brains out again! Love you -She Demon

10/26/20

Kitten,  You are so weird. I fucking love it and you. I’m so glad you are mine. Filming is so far so good. I barely have time to think, which is perfect. Also, I was eating a mango in the kitchen last night. You know how you cut the side off and score it then turn it inside out? Well, I decided just to eat it off the rind like that, instead of cut the chunks out. And all of a sudden it was like eating your dripping pussy. I am slightly ashamed to say that I dropped my pants right there and jerked off with the coconut oil. The juice was dripping down my chin and chest and onto my cock. Oh, My. God. It was the best one yet. I’ll have to do it for you (to you?) when you get back. Needless to say, a whole new world has opened up to me. I WILL be buying more mangoes. I may not be able to see one without getting aroused from here on out. I think I’ll go have the other half now…

Good luck doing bang! bang! construction things on the ice! Stay safe and warm. I’ll talk to you when you get back. Forever yours- Austin

10.27.20

Aus-  Oh, Mangoes… Damn. Now I fucking want mangoes. Freshies are like currency down here, I haven’t seen a mango though. Just so you know, that last letter was a bet between me and Tabs. We did karaoke that night and I got a little sloshed and started talking in accents. She didn’t think I would do it. Lol! I tried calling you a few min ago, but no answer. I’m leaving in an hour. I’ll email and try to call when I’m back! Oh and come to find out that Joe thought he was flirting with me the whole time, he likes me. Was about to pull my pigtails, I suspect. Boys are so weird. I confronted him and he confessed he was crushing on me pretty hard. I told him about you ( not by name) and that I wasn’t available (plus I would fucking break him). He seems to have backed off and will hopefully treat me like a person. So yay! Growth! Love you tons, Tally ho! Kitten

10/28/20

Darling,  It breaks my heart that I missed hearing your voice. I really needed it too. We filmed some gut wrenching stuff this week and I just needed you. I love you, I love you, I love you. Austin 124 +/-

 11.22.20

Sweet, sweet man, I love you too! I’m sorry you had a tough week and I wasn’t there for you. I promise after this, I will never be more than a text away from you again. I hope it’s gotten better! I’m going to try calling tonight when I get off work. Thank god I’m back though! We had a crazy, crazy time. We got caught in a freak storm at Amundsen-Scott. We were supposed to be there for like a day to get supplies and such. We ended up there for 5 days! But after that things cleared up, it was amazing. We set up 5 different camps. Everything from simple temporary polar escapes on wooden platforms to actual shelters that will have to stand up for the rest of the season if not longer. One was at a penguin rookery! They were adorable and came right up to us! Miss you love, hopefully we will talk soon! ~Kitten

11/23/20

Babe,  Those pictures with you and the penguins are unreal! I can't believe they just walked up to you. It blows my mind that anything can live down there. How are things with Joe? Did he actually change his behavior? I would say ‘do you need me to come down there?’ but I know you got this, my amazing, strong sexy beast of a woman. I hope I can pick up when you call next. Missing hearing your voice broke my heart. ~Aus 98+/- (Why is this taking so damn long! You should be in my arms.)

 12.14.20

Dear darling Austin, Thank god we got to talk last week, I was really worried about you. Digging into the pain about your mom… I just wish I was there to hold you tight, like she would’ve been. I know I didn’t know her, but from everything you’ve said, I know I would have adored her. (hugs, hugs and more hugs) I got your package yesterday! I opened it without thinking, thank god all the things in it were wrapped! Except for the mangoes… fuck baby. They are perfectly ripe right now, if a little frozen. I’m gonna go eat some mango pussy. Would you like that? watching me eat pussy….

Did you get my package yet? It might be a bit silly. But you can open it when you get it. :) We have been digging into this new building since I got back. The guys worked on all the steel pieces and I’m lead on the framing team. It’s definitely different from what I’ve been used to doing. But I’m finding that all my skills are actually helpful because I know the pieces that come next, so I don’t let the crew fuck things up for the electricians and plumbers and drywallers that will be coming behind us in the future. I miss you baby, I know we keep saying that to each other, so much that it’s like saying something over and over again and the shape of it feels odd in your mouth all of a sudden. But even though I have made great friends here and am in a routine that pulls me from day to day, it would be perfect if you were here with me. With you on my arm, no one would try to pull my pigtails! Love you with all my heart ~Kitten

12/25/20

Baby Doll,  Merry Christmas!! Babe, I did get your package, and I didn’t open in until this morning. Why would you say it’s silly? It’s amazing. You painted this? I am going to take it in and have it framed so I can hang it up. Wow. If you ever wanted to stop doing construction, you could be a professional artist. Tom and Rita have invited a bunch of us up to their place for dinner. I’m about to go get ready but just wanted to tell you that yes, I get it. Saying it gets old, but it doesn't mean we don’t feel it still. Yeah, mom would’ve adored you right back. I fucking miss you. I fucking love you. And holy fuck yes on watching you eat pussy, mango or otherwise.

66 days +/- (can we make time move faster?) ~Your own personal elf- Austin

12.25.20

Dear Austin,  Merry Christmas!! I loved your gifts, they are perfect for here! Lip balm and sunscreen and the warmest, silliest socks. That mini humidifier is sitting on my bedside table as we speak! The running gloves for under my big ones are going to be a game changer! Now I can do fiddly bits without my fingers getting cold! Although it’s a ridiculously balmy 25 degrees Celsius out there right now. I don’t even bring my red parka out right now! Today I joined the Antarctic Polar bear club. Yup I plunged into barely above freezing water in my underwear, no not the unicorn ones, I actually had some polar bear ones I brought just for this! I was nothing if not on theme! It was fucking cold. And exhilarating! But I’m not sure I want to do it again. Luckily we went right into the sauna to warm up! Love you ever so much, give Tom and Rita my love! ~Your Xmas Kitten

1/1/21

My sweet Kitten, Thank you for the phone call, oh my god I needed it. I’m feeling so worn out, even though we kinda had this week off and I’ve been just sleeping as much as I can and going to the beach with other cast members, it’s just not the same without my best girl next to me. (that’s you, btw) I wish I had you with me last night to kiss. I did end up kissing Olivia, but it was just a new years eve peck thing, plus it’s not like we’ve not kissed on set. Is that weird for you? I’ve never asked you about it. Love you so much, it hurts. I def need a kiss on my heart. 59 days +/- ~Yours, Austin

1.3.21

Austin, When I see you, you are gonna get all the kisses on every part of you. Real talk babe: where I’d like to be there to remind you what my kisses are like and reap the benefits if you get turned on, kissing on set doesn't bug me, that’s just part of acting. Didn’t Elvis kiss like all the girls in the audience? Super-spreader much? Ha! TBH, I pecked a few people too when we counted down to midnight. How do you feel about that? Wow, that looks super passive aggressive. I’m def not meaning it that way. Just wondering cuz we’ve never talked about it and I don’t think our games with Loki or ‘the guy from Brisbane’ count as talking about it! Now actually making out with someone like not for work (that’s a crazy sentence right there!)… that we’d def have to talk about. I mean… mostly because I would want to be a part of something hot like that. FOMO!!! On a different note, I sang in Icestock last night. It’s the annual McMurdo music festival. There were comedians and skits and mini plays and bands and a chili cook off! I sang a bunch of stuff with some guys, we had to rehearse on our off time but it was super fun! I had my buddy video it. I’m gonna put it on a USB stick and send it to you, just for fun! There is some other stuff on there too, just for you, including my polar plunge! God we needed a party too. The grind was getting to us all. Yeah we have 24 hours of daylight, but I never knew I’d miss the stars so much! We are about to head into Vessel Season, that means extra people in town, mostly Kiwi and US military, to help unload the massive supply ships. From what I understand we will be pulled to help. I love you baby, soon hunny, soon I miss YOUR kisses ~Kitten

 1/8/21

My darling love, Happy Elvis’ birthday! He would've been 86. We had a huge birthday cake on set today. I don’t really care about pecks like that, plus you are too French for me to get up in arms about that. I do feel the same way you do about making out. If you are gonna make out with someone, I want to be there too. If it’s a girl, I def want to be there. That would be hot. We filmed a kissing scene today between young Elvis and younger Priscilla. It really made me miss you so much. I definitely channeled our first kiss into the work. Remember, on the couch? This might be weird to say, but no one kisses me like you do. Love and miss you, 52 days +/- ~Aus

1/25/21

Kitten,  Honey, I have a confession. We were rehearsing one of the big shows where Elvis goes into the audience and kisses all the girls. I had to talk my own demon out of taking home an extra and fucking her silly. She looked just enough like you and she was staring at me all dreamy eyed when I was on stage. Then I had to kiss all these women in the audience and I was all worked up. I’m sorry babe, know that I didn’t do anything or even talk to her. But we talked about being honest with one another and I feel better with you knowing. No I’m not asking if I can do anything with her, it was just like a perfect storm to turn me on. Honestly I’ve been too exhausted and terrified to really feel horny lately, so it kinda took me by surprise. I’m so sorry if this makes you mad. Know I love you and I’m not gonna do anything to screw up what we have. ~Austin 35 days +/- (I can wait, I swear)

1.26.21

Babe,  Love you, not mad. Will respond more when I have time! ~Your best girl

1.31.21

Ok my love,  First of all, I’m sorry this took so long to reply to. It’s been so busy here I’ve not had time. Secondly, I’m not mad. You are human, despite your intrusive thoughts to the contrary. Being attracted to people is just a part of being human. It actually feels really good that you were comfy enough to tell me how you are feeling. Thank you for trusting me. I have this ideal thought in my head that I’d want to be cool with a sorta semi-permeable relationship. Like yeah, making out with a women with you would be hot… fuck I think making out with a man with you would blow my fucking mind. (would you be down for that? Kissing a guy?) But I know I’m not cool with either of us just fucking others at will, at least not when we are this far away. How could you reclaim me, or I you, when these miles exist between us? Share someone with you? Sure, but we need to actually sit down and talk about it face to face. When I'm back and we’ve talked and you and I have had our fill of one another, if that girl is game and we get along… I’m down to try it out, baby. If you are even interested in that. There are a few cute Airmen here, but my demon seems to be slumbering. Remember, the less I get the less I want it. It could also be the fucking 10-12 hour days we’ve been putting in! Which is VERY different from fucking 10-12 hours a day.  Remember our first 72 hours? Damn that was amazing. I love you baby, now and forever, Your lover- Kitten

2/4/21

Amazing woman of my dreams,  How are you so fucking cool, do you know how hard I had to work to get my other gf’s to be cool about kissing on set, let alone talk about sharing a person. This whole thing makes me love you even more. How do I feel about kissing a guy? I think it depends on the guy. But it doesn’t squick me out or anything. Honestly right now, if it meant getting to hold you in my arms, I’d do it and more in a heartbeat. And for the record, I don’t think I could ever ‘get my fill’ of you babe. I love you so much, 25 days +/- (is that fucking real, only 25 days???) Devoted to you- Austin

2.25.21

Babe,  Oh my god! I am so done helping unload and reload ships! Give me my fucking hammer and let me pound something! So I have some shitty news. Y’know how, on the phone we were talking about my departure date being end of February and being back with you by March 1st. Well, I got my departure date, it’s not until March 10th, and I can’t move it up. They even offered me a bonus to stay overwinter, but I declined. As cool as it’s been I need to get off the ice and into your arms. So I won't be back on the Gold Coast until March 12th at the earliest. I don’t know if I have to quarantine. I have to arrange for my stuff to be shipped to Greece in that time as well. You say you have to leave for London mid March. I’m freaking out that I might miss you. I’m gonna try to call tomorrow so we can talk about it. Fuck this sucks, Love you so much ~Kitten

[boyswanna-be-her]

that was truly an insanely out of pocket ask. anyway it makes me happy to hear about what makes you happy, and how your day to day is going, and what you're excited about. hope you have a good rest of your day <3

Thanks! Their apology meant a world of difference to me. The ask also lead to me reaching out directly to FIVE different long time IRL friends who had seen me in the past three days before receiving the ask. Getting a temp check with people who have known you a long time and seen you recently is definitely helpful, and although the ask made me spiral for like 2 hours, it also generated some unexpectedly affirming conversations, where people who have all known me since 2005-2008 all independent of one another basically said that they had indeed noticed that I'm more talkative and outgoing lately, but that it hadn't pinged them in any sort of concerning way. I fuck heavily with the opinion esp of 3/5 of the people in this regard because that proportion of this group had previously reached out to me in a panic worried about me because they perceived me as so sad/detached. Two of them in particular got me engaged with environmental volunteering immediately after all my 2018 bullshit where I was in super heavy PTSD territory, and I can directly credit them for a lot of connections and drives I have today. And 2 of them have also conducted mandatory wellness checks when I didn't communicate with them often enough via text for them to be comfy. And I love them for that in ways they'll never really understand.

Anyway. The general message was that nobody had been alarmed, the ask seemed out of left field to them (they don't read my blog, but they're all aware of it and tumblr-smart), and that they'd all been happy to be happy for me this year.

No ragrets. If nothing else, being able to reach out to so many friends who have been with me for so long but also so recently was validating, and that none of them were worried about me is great. I don't think I would've had any other impetus to request all those low-consequence feedback seshes had I not received the ask. None of the people pinged have anything to gain from lying to me and again, in the past, the majority have not had a problem expressing concern about my mental health.

So like. Yeah that shit threw me super hard yesterday and I immediately re-evaluated the way that I express myself here and elsewhere. I feel like I had recently re-channeled my early days of tumblr where everything was highly unfiltered, capslock and screaming in tags was quite normal, I was a small fish in a big pond, etc--because that's when it was an exciting era for me as a creator on here. I miss a lot of that energy.

And full disclosure, in my relationship before last, the one that really and truly broke my heart on top of losing Jonathan to suicide, we didn't share ANYTHING publicly. And I was so deep. And then they broke up with me horribly a month after Jonathan died and I found him!!!!!... well, how could anyone on the outside mourn a relationship they didn't know about when my RECENTLY (for my safety lol) ex-husband had just died horrifiecally? They didn't know. The scale was so weird for everyone but me. Only a handful of people even knew I was in a new relationship that i perceived as supportive and, like, a soulmate type gig. I was so sure of everything that I didn't share ANYTHING and that super fucked me over in the end.

It was awful and alienating and I wished all along that we had shared more. So I don't wanna do that shit anymore. I'm excited about shit in my life and people in my life and meeting people and finding gigs and I don't want input on that, so please treat me like the 38 year old human being I am. I have been through more bullshit than you could possibly understand, even if you read every post I ever made here, even if you were my best friend who I told everything to (doesn't exist but good concept). Assumptions are unwelcome. I'm old and I'm angry and I have energy and that's what's up. I just want people to be on board to see this middle aged piece of shit maybe like find a reason to live again and not die alone.

[mummasaurus212]

These kids.... oh my goodness, will they ever catch a break?

So yesterday, day care called in the afternoon and said sienna was a bit clingy, a little sad and a bit, but they weren't super concerned as she had all her bottles as well as some solids. But it was also 30⁰c and this winter baby hadn't experienced an Australian summer yet.

Got home after work, she was still warm and a bit sleepy. I checked her temp on 2 different thermometers and got 37.6 and 38. So I left Lincoln home with husband and drove back to town to the urgent care clinic (not emergency). I left feeling a little fobbed off, to be honest. They did a set of obs, and the dr told me that fevers can happen and if anything changes to see our GP. I asked if I should give her any medicine to bring the fever down and he said no, it's not necessary if she's going to go febrile then she will regardless. I asked if I should give it only if she's uncomfortable and sad and he said aw yeah, I guess if you want to but it's not needed.

So today, she's still been upset, still been warm, still very clingy. I gave her some pain relief at 730am. just to see if it changed and she was happy for about an hour. Around 12 she started to feel warm again and I thought maybe I needed to give her more. But against my better judgement and the fact she was asleep (and this drs voice in my head telling me it wasn't necessary). I didn't.

She fell asleep on me for an hour, I continually checked her temp it didn't budge from 37⁰. She woke cried a little so I decided to try feed her and call our GP to arrange an urgent appt. While on the phone to the nurse to be triaged. She unlatched, rolled, stiffened her whole body like she was going to scream, but instead, she started to shake. My poor 7 month old baby was having a febrile seizure in my arms. I was telling the nurse what was happening and she said to call the ambulance. While on the phone to them her face started turning blue and she continued to shake. After the longest 1.5 minutes of my life, she started to come round and just cried and cried. I called my husband and said he needed to get home asap and waited for the ambulance.

We went to the hospital as her temp was over 39⁰ and they needed to find what was causing the temp. All other stat's were ok, thankfully.

We got to the hospital, they gave her some paracetamol and nurofen and she started to perk up. She had the biggest feed she had all day. And fell to sleep.

I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do other than just wait for her to stop. Thankfully, she's OK, and they think its a viral infection causing the temp, and we just have to give her paracetamol and nurofen around the clock.

I'm kicking myself, though. i should've trusted my gut and given her the medication. But she was sleeping and he said sleeping was fine..

I don't think it's hit me yet. But she won't be very far out of my sight for the next few days .

Trust your gut, mummas

[clash-of-the-wizards]

IMPORTANT COMPETITION UPDATE(S)

Okay, this is absolutely bonkers. I already have OVER 100 submissions, creeping up on 200, in just over 24 hours. SO I'm making an executive decision. Sorry. I'm allowed to do that.

NOMINATIONS WILL BE CLOSED ON MONDAY, FEBRUARY 27, AT 6:30 AM EST !!!!

This now gives you guys approximately 38 hours to throw your wizards at me and hope you get in! Best of luck to all of you, by the way, I'm getting some REALLY fun submissions. Keep them coming!

BRACKET COMPETITORS WILL BE ANNOUNCED ON TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 28 AT 6:30 PM EST

This allows mod Hermann (me) 36 hours to sort out all of the competitors, discuss with their dad about what does and does not fit the qualifications, gather numbers, and figure out if I need to throw together any losers brackets or short-term polls to determine final slots or battles between fandoms

If a poll does need to be thrown together to sort out a battle between a fandom or a tie in votes, that poll will be open for 24 hours. Whoever wins will be included in the bracket

There will only be one wizard per fandom allowed to be entered in the final 32-person bracket

Remember, if I'm late posting, I'm a human with a life! It will be posted, I promise

ROUND ONE OF POLLS WILL BE OPENED ON WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1, AT 7 AM

Each poll will be opened for 24 hours

There will be a 36-hour period between the end of a poll, and the opening of the next round. This allows mod Hermann (me) time to sort out contestants, confer with their dad about whatever the hell he has to say (he is your co-mod after all), and create the next bracket and poster images

Is this, by chance, your first post about the clash of the wizards? Want to participate and submit a wizard? Then make sure you check out THIS POST to learn all the rules, and get access to the form you can submit your wizards through.

ALSO IMPORTANT

I use a plethora of hashtags throughout my posts. Let me lay those out for you so you can sort out the important stuff

#clash of the wizards is for all things dedicated to this competition. Wanna post something about it? Throw that tag at it. I also sometimes use #wizard showdown

#clash of the wizards announcements is for posts like this-- important stuff about the competition and the way its gonna work

#clash of the wizards general is for the funny stuff, like random announcements or twosies shoutouts

#wizard propaganda is when I post about or reblog a post about one specific nomination. Wanna post propaganda about why someone should vote your wizard? Tag #wizard propaganda ! I'll probably reblog it too! And if you tag me in it, I definitely will!

#clash of the wizards polls is where all of the polls will be stored, no matter how dire their results may be! Looking for a poll? Check in there!

#mod hermann loves their dad is a much less important, less official tag, just used to talk about stuff my dad is saying about the competition, since he's helping me co-manage it from his study

And another reminder, have fun! So many of you guys have taken to digging into those NICHE ass sources and are full on infodumping to me in the forms, and you guys have no idea how much I appreciate it. Hell, you've given me a months-long read/watch list just by participating! I picked up The Color of Magic from my local library just this afternoon because of you Discworld fans and that fucking pathetic ass man Rincewind! I'm so so so glad you're all invested in this, and you should be proud to be invested in this too! It's obvious we're bringing a community together, and I love it! Thank you!

Now, enough sappy and business stuff

LET'S GET REALLY FUCKING READY FOR A MAGIC USER BATTLE TO THE DEATH, TUMBLR! WOOOOO!

[firespirited]

A lot has happened and I got the selective mutism again so here's a sleep meds dump.

Effie the cat abandoned by lady two doors down who's having a mental health crisis is currently living in our garden. We were going to rehome her but neighbour complexities mean that she'll be eating at the neighbours house and possibly slowly moving into their garage as their territorial cat adapts. She is a bird killer which annoys M, J who's very allergic has decided to mediate the whole cat business. I still think Effie would have no problem finding a new home but J's vetoed that. So there's a cat outside the window and I might need to build some sort of rainproof shelter soon. Papaye the cat is also back living in the building and two orange young cats moved opposite. Thankfully no fights yet.

I hurt my wrist doing some small crafts and barely any writing. RSIs are horrid. It's been a year. Very annoyed.

On the other hand uh so to speak, four people decide to shop for my dolls this week. Months of nada then 4 at once. I have parted with my preciouses, the baldies (and kept more than enough projects) to a fellow customizer and fully don't care if they get trashed, flipped into $200 customs or sit in a drawer. They're blank canvases that I can't paint. The ideas for the paintings can wait for another time, another scale, maybe even another medium.

I sent my first parcel to the states in ages!!! Will let you know how that goes!

Aaand the money earned on deglued catty noir and a couple of partial/yarn reroots went... straight back into 38 doll heads. I know. I knoooow.

So I had a rough series of days then I struck up conversation with a lady at the phonebox library to ask if she knows who runs it. She didn't know but volunteers at the red cross store in town. It was the kind of conversation that starts out friendly and I knew within a few minutes that if I didn't find a bunch of things to say that she was going to tell me her life story and probably trauma dump (which could be anything from getting older and adapting to empty nest to seriously awful), not sure why I have this effect on people but I do. I filled a awkward lull in conversation about people throwing away items that are still useful by stating that I repair fashion dolls and the enjoyment in making something old new again and learning about various crafts and she really wanted to either commission me for her 18y/o daughter's dolls or hand me the pile she's been keeping from throwing away at the red cross at which point I remembered my neck is borked (!) , i tried to repeatedly back pedal and explain that I'm currently not doing any commissions but ended up mumbling while staring at my feet oddly choked up that 'health has been a serious issue' lately and pretending Lily had pulled on her lead to change the subject. We ended the convo with thanks for her volunteer work and putting books at the phonebox, for the lovely chat, have a nice day etc.

It stuck like a piece of grit in the cogs for a few hours and then I heard we might someday get a vaccine for autoimmune diseases but that's the 15th 'promising' cure in 25 years, they really bum me out. We've been this close so many times before. I want the cure, i want the disabled to have value. I want hope. I want to not feel in debt and at society's mercy 24/7.

Later I was doing my normal ebay check just in case that rare doll drops and made a bid thinking that I probably wouldn't get it. What was in my mind was "dolls are my hobby and expertise - you can't use your shoulders so you don't have a hobby or expertise - i do it's a hiatus - it's been a year and no progress when does it end?" on a sort of quiet background loop of brain nonsense. As you do.

26euro shipped. 38 heads, 30 bodies (2heads and the bodies not pictured), terrible photos but I spied GG Nichelle, anime 90s skipper, Miko, vintage Steffie, Midge and Tutti.

It's an excellent investment if even 2 or 3 end up in decent condition.

It's also 38 steps backwards in the 'destash and stop messing with the shoulders' efforts, right at a point where I'm getting somewhere. You can't be like 'que sera que sera' when you're actively making choices.

IDK I was really hoping for a sign or a way forward and my dr and physio are super passive which is both great because they don't put me in positions where I have to face post exertional malaise by their hands only my own choices but I also do all of my own medical research and bring it to them for approval. I've run out of clues or ideas for my swollen tongue and damaged vertebrae. It makes me feel trapped then stupid happens. No, feeling trapped leads me to choose a thing that will make me feel mastery of crafts and skills and it also comes with a price tag of massive pain.

***Seriously it's small potatoes, some hobby supplies from a hobby I'm crippled at.***

... But it's symptomatic. It's part of a large scale pattern of reclaiming some sense of personal, well not control and probably not usefulness/productivity but something close to usefulness/skills? It's not quite dignity either but there's a little bit of pride in there. I'm not going to ruminate on a year of bad decisions or whether they were the least bad decisions to balance sanity and health. But there's something broken since the pandemic for sure and probably long before that I'm running from. It could even be being raised in the 'purposeful' life mindset (if you know you know)

ok i keep deleting paragraphs and paragraphs of unpacking stuff from my twenties so I'll leave it at that so my brain will allow this. The teal dear of it is that it's awfully hard to just exist without 'contributing' or generating money or cosmic goals I guess. Allowing yourself to be a mote and a blip in the universe sure is difficult.

I wouldn't allow this kind of talk from friends who have innate value to me. Hmm.

It sure was a nice few years getting to make things and I'm finding it hard to imagine a different life despite living it for a year.

__________

Well happy 21st everyone. Feed your skeleton and ear snails some funk today. Don't let the existential bedbugs bite (especially if they're ticks). Wear a mask when around gen pop and take the painkillers, things shouldn't hurt. 💚💚💚

I have a package of heads to look forward to. And a cat outside the window. And some introspection to avoid. 😅

[myheartsmadeofparts]

Friends and kids, late 30s, 2023

A.B. (cousin): [Older kid] is sick and [husband] is sick and I'm sick too. [Older kid] was throwing up last night, but she didn't wake us up. She barfed over the side of her bunkbed. Some of the throw-up landed on [younger kid] but she didn't wake up either.

I agreed to talk to you at this time one-on-one once a month, but I'm home with kid who is sick, you're going to chat with her while she tries out a bunch of funny filters including one that makes her look like a strawberry but with her own eyes and mouth.

K: I was on the subway sitting next to a mom with her baby in a stroller. We were smiling at the baby and suddenly I started crying uncontrollably. The woman saw me crying, and she took out a flask, held it up for me to see, and started chugging. Then we just looked at each other. And I got off the train.

JK: I want kids and he wants kids, and he's really sweet to me but sometimes not so great and drinks too much. I'm happy where we're at in the relationship but idk if I want to take the next step. I don't want to go through a breakup right now; I want to finish my novel by the end of this year...Oops I'm pregnant.

Well I'm 38, I don't want to not be pregnant. We made the appointment, we both took turns freaking out. Daycare is expensive, we'll be just okay if I stay home for the first year. They say you can never really be ready, right?

AC: (post hysterectomy for adenomyosis/ removal of endometriosis, has 3 cats) I took home my uterus. Surprised how small she is. I think I'll take her with me to [home state] and bury her.

[Later, in home state]. I put her in a lunchbox with an apple so they would think she was food. I had my boyfriend on standby in case they wouldn't let me take her on the plane. I have TSA pre-check. No-one even noticed.

[After return to current home] She's still in my mom's fridge. I guess it was hard to say goodbye. Would you like to see some pictures?

AS: I really loved that job, but [boss, a mother] said it would be impossible to keep that job and have a baby. So I went back to my old workplace...it's fine. I wanted to start a family!

The birth was soooo hard. C-section after 36 hours of labor!!! I'm texting you this mere hours after not because we are super close but because you are the keeper of women's pain.

I month later: we gave him a cute name. I love it! I'm sorry about your breakup. Sorry, I have to go take my tits out for the 8th time today.

D (a man): It's funny, I never thought I'd be like a "breadwinner" for my family. Our parents help us out so that [wife] can stay home with the kids [and make like, really elaborate cupcakes]. It's getting kind of cramped in the apartment with four of us sharing one bathroom. We looked at apartments but we can't find anything we can afford.

Y (also a man): I told [partner] that not wanting kids or being open to kids was a dealbreaker for me. We're trying, but we're 40. She says she doesn't want to do IVF because she's nervous about the side effects, but she won't say what side effects and the doctor said there aren't major side effects and I have a lot of female friends, some of them have done IVF they said it wasn't that big a deal. [it's not as if I'm willing to google it or something!]

Anyway she doesn't know what she wants and kids are still a dealbreaker for me, but we're having a great time living together, it's really like our honeymoon.

F: I prefer pets.

JS: I might foster teenagers when I'm in my 50's.

#late30s #40 #kids #infertility #fertility #disability

[mint-moon25]

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[xxwelxx]

Ahh people really liked the vampire tsukasa piece I did recently but I think it’s one of my weakest pieces >.<

I feel like the amount of attention it got heavily outweighs how much I like it so I just end up being more confused rather than excited abt the attention I’m getting.

This is not to say that I’m ungrateful about the support, it makes me happy to know that I made something that people like.

I think what’s bothering me is the fact that I hardly had to think about this at all. First is the vampire already existed so that’s the pose and art style, cyberpunk tsukasa was an already existing character with a canon design, the poses for both were pretty similar so it’s been an existing idea for a while now, and I’ve already seen 2 other people do the same thing way earlier. The only thing I really did was replicate a style and pose, which took an amount of effort, sure, but not enough to make me feel like I deserve this attention. (Esp since I don’t think I replicated the design very well, but that’s just coz tsks doesn’t have as much going on as miku does)

This was my first non-ship tagged art to get this much attention, so I really can’t help but wonder if I’m doing something wrong. I really don’t know what I’m missing. I hypothesized so much but nothing definitive is standing out to me.

I love and appreciate art requests so much, coz sometimes it alleviates the pressure of having to think of something new everytime. And even the fact that someone wanted to see an idea already explored but in my style means more to me than you can think. The thing is that I chose to replicate a style the best I can, so I can’t even say that I was in the art.

The bottom line is I don’t find any heart in it, and it’s the thing that people enjoyed seeing.

As an artist who posts on the internet, I want to feel like I’m being true to myself and making something people enjoy seeing and sharing. It’s rare for me to get both, usually it’s just the first thing. But this is the first time I got the second thing alone. I didn’t realize how little I had to do with this piece until i received a lot of positive feedback on it.

It makes sense tho, people like the things they understand. This piece was reference upon reference, ofc ppl liked it. They felt like they could understand it all the way through. They recognized it. So it also makes sense that people are more hesitant to engage with a new idea I randomly came up with. So I really shouldn’t be getting insecure abt having worse ideas than already well established people. Familiarity plays a huge part in success. Ig it’s just a little discouraging that’s all BUT I WON’T LET THIS KEEP ME DOWN.

I am a little shy when it comes to sharing and interacting, so I can’t be too surprised that people don’t really know me much, but I hope I’ll be able to make myself more known to this community, I really enjoy the interactions I have with everyone <33

There’s also a lot of other reasons why this particular piece could have popped off where others didn’t n they’re very nuanced.

If you got this far please check out this one drawing I spent over 38 hours on. I will never do something like that again, but I still want to advocate for this drawing. It’s also a redraw, but it’s done in my style and it was done over a few months. A LOTTT of effort was put into it n I’ve learned from my mistakes now but I at least want to try remedying it a bit :,( if u want, u can also go through the # wel of doodles to see all my art in one place. I also post on insta too, @/xx_.wel._xx :p

At the end of the day, ship art does the best, and as much as I love making it, I don’t want that to be the only thing I make. (I get too burnt out from it) haha

[1000sandwiches]

Tue, Feb 6, 2024

Lately I have become extremely nostalgic for the Web 1.0 era of the internet. It started with me looking at archived Usenet posts via Google Groups, but has turned into me spending hours on the Wayback Machine looking up sites I used to haunt back in the 90s and early 2000s. Stuff like The Gaming Intelligence Agency (which is still up somehow), Elfwood, Toriyama's World, or various rabbit holes from the Anime Web Turnpike. I really miss the days everyone had their own website (I had several if you're wondering. A Flame of Recca fan site, for example). I want to be one of the cool kids and join Neocities in hopes it'll give me a similar vibe, but I haven't done HTML in years and feel a bit intimidated by it. So for now maybe a Tumblr diary will do. So that's what this is, a rambling online diary like the kind I kept as a teenager. It seemed cheaper than therapy.

Rambling about being a new parent and venting about my in-laws below. It's not particularly interesting. Next time I'll just write about video games I'm playing, probably.

I became a dad in November 2023. My emotions and mental health have been sort of all over the place since the day we checked into the hospital. I had always wanted a family of my own, and my wife and I both felt we would regret not having at least one child. I have a lot of insecurities about being a first time father at my age. I'm 38 now, and I just keep thinking about how I'll be 43 when my son is 5, and worry I won't be able to keep up with him. But here we are.

My wife was induced and spent 30 hours in labor before the doctor finally gave us the option for a C-Section. She didn't even hesitate to say yes, honestly just relieved to get it over with. The operation went fine, but apparently I am a lightweight when it comes to gore. Seeing my partner's blood and guts all over the surgeons had my anxiety screaming. Also, no one will ever believe me, but during the surgery the anesthesiologist, Bob, was playing on his phone. All of a sudden an ad for homemade marinara started playing, and the whole room stopped to stare at him. Surgeons still covered in bloody bits. Bob just mumbled "bad timing" and turned the volume down. What an absolute legend. I love you, Bob!

The experience of holding our son for the first time was just as powerful as I had always heard. So many different feelings washed over me all at once. I'd never even held a baby before then. Seeing my son being held up against my significant other's head made me cry.

Unfortunately, I am a peon at a public library, and my wife works retail, so neither of us are great breadwinners. Oops. Sorry, baby! So now we have super fun medical bills while we also figure out a budget. Currently we are living with my in-laws. Having to adjust to both our newborn and their family routine has been a challenge for us both.

Some days are great. Others are hard. Especially in the first month, where some nights the baby would just scream his head off for hours. I knew I hated loud noises, but I never realized how triggering a baby's cry could be. I'm not suicidal, but I've spent several nights imagining a scenario where I'd jump into my car and driving off a cliff. This has gotten better recently as he now does fairly good job of sleeping through the night. It's a lot easier to be patient with his crying when we are not exhausted.

My wife had a few struggles with post-partum depression. The week after giving birth, her hormones were all over the place and she had frequent panic attacks. One morning she woke up, walked into the living room and saw our son, only to then throw up. She is over this now thankfully, and has put a lot of energy into figuring out how to be a mom. I'm very proud of her.

The In-laws are a huge help, but there are pros and cons to their assistance. There are times where my wife and I really need to learn how to deal with our son's tantrums by ourselves, but the grandparents will insist on taking him. I appreciate the help, but I worry about not being able to handle him myself. In fairness, I might struggle to get him down for an hour, but Grandma can get him to sleep on five minutes. It's like dark magic for grandparents, I swear.

I am also prone to feeling like a burden on the family. I notice a lot of little corrections. Stupid things like say I take some chips from the cupboard and I know I'll put them back in a moment. I might decide to leave the door open for a moment, but Grandma walks in and immediately shuts the cupboard. Other times I might leave a light on which Grandma turns off while I'm still using. I also feel like every interaction I have with my son is being judged. If he's crying and I set him down for a few minutes, someone feels the need to swoop in and take him from me. It's like leaving him be in his bassinet while he's awake his frowned upon.

My In-Laws also have a family culture where everyone hangs out in the living room together all day. This is completely new to me, and I'd rather be alone in my room most of the time. It doesn't help that they are a family that keeps their television on all day and I get very sick of hearing the news cycle repeat over and over. This recently had consequences when Grandpa came home from work sick, and apparently keeping the baby in another room, away from the sick guy, was never even considered.

As you might expect, our baby got sick. I was pissed. I just couldn't believe that I would come home from work to find grandpa coughing just a few feet away from him, and no one thought to keep them separated. Our son then passed his cold onto the rest of the household (not covid or flu, as several of us have tested negative).

So that brings us to now. A week after getting sick, I am still having issues with sinus drainage along with aches and pains. Our son is doing better, and you can't even tell my wife was ever sick. I'm very jealous. I should probably take a few moments to proof read all this, but I've already been typing on my phone for an hour and feel silly about posting this at all.

[ultraphobic]

Hi Lane!!

Omg I forgot about the time zones haha. When I wrote that message, I still had December 8th. I understand why you didn’t watch live performances and it's okay! I can't watch some bands perform, especially if they don't exist anymore for some sad reason. INXS is an amazing band! Have you seen the TV series about them?

This glam festival promises to be really memorable! I really hope Michael will be there.

Omg!! The piercing master is great! Do you have any favorite types of piercings?

I hope I can see a picture of the Bandit! 200 playlists in Spotify is great. if you don't mind, I would love to explore your playlists because I feel tired of my music and I need something new. I understand about the Warrant albums! albums with Jani after Dog Eat Dog are not available in my country and now I want to order a CD, but it will have to wait a couple of months.

Wow, that's so cool!! And what do you like to draw? handmade T-shirts, in my opinion, are a very cute and memorable gift.

I hope you will be able to make all your travel plans come true! Do you have any fav sights that you would like to see?

Oh I'm really sorry that you are experiencing a lot of stress at this time :(by the way, when is your birthday? And how is winter going in Australia?

🎄If you could talk to any musician, who would it be?

🎄Do you play any instruments or would you like to learn?

🎄 How do you like to celebrate Christmas?

Your Santa ⛄️🎄

hey santa!!!

sorry for a later response i’ve been at a family christmas event all day 🥲

i didn’t even know there was an inxs tv series? i’ll have to check that one out!

glamfest lineup just came out about an hour ago as i’m writing this and the lineup is killer! slaughter and lynch mob are headlining which is awesome so i think i may just get vip… no michael monroe but thats ok! if he comes to australia separately that’d still be cool but if not it’s fine

i think my favourite type of piercing to do on other people is a helix piercing at this stage, but on myself my fav is just any type of nose piercing, bc i can do anything with them!

i’ll link my spotify HERE so feel free to check that out :3

& yeah it sucks that ultraphobic - under the influence is just so widely unavailable its like they just kinda want people to see their discography go from dog eat dog to born again which sucks because theres so much good stuff on ultraphobic, belly to belly & even the few new songs on greatest and latest (bad tattoo, keeping up with the jones, southern comfort) like… pls warrant i beg of u to let me listen

i had some fun doing drawings of shiny stuff - cutlery specifically i guess??? i think that was fun! & yea the silly shirts were also fun! i made one for my dad that just said “i am bald” which he hates but i think it’s hilarious

for the meantime travel is going to have to wait because i am saving for a surgery but i am hoping to see a tattoo artist in melbourne victoria to do a portrait tattoo eventually! in europe i’d love to see some ancient stuff & i’d also like to see some of italy’s vineyards :)

it’s actually summer right now for australia so aside from the general christmas present buying stress i’m actually not too bad rn it’s june-august where i get more stressy but again time zones and hemispheres are wacky so i understand the mixup - my birthday is feb 11! so a month and a half away!

summer is sooooo hot rn it was 38° yesterday (100° if you’re a fahrenheit user) i was just laying in the aircon sweating my ass off waiting for the heat to take me out but thankfully it wasn’t AS bad today

where are you from btw?

if i could talk to any musician… i’ll give you two answers because you didn’t specify dead or alive

dead: jani lane bc i love him and i think we’d relate on a lot of things

alive: patrick stump from fall out boy because he seems like such a sweet and intelligent guy and fall out boy got me through a lot of my teen years and i also think he’d get me

i do play a few instruments! bass is my main one that i’m best at but i also play guitar (planning on restarting lessons in the new year now that i have a job that pays me better), piano (sometimes), ukulele (again sometimes), and i have background playing small wind instruments (recorder, harmonica). i would love to learn the drums though! i also (try to) sing a bit but only rly in front of ppl when i’ve been drinking a bit and we do karaoke

christmas is the same every year really, we do a couple of extended family events in the lead up & then on christmas eve we each get to open ONE thing from under the tree. on christmas day we have lunch/dinner with my mums side of my family, which switches between three houses (our house, aunts house, mums cousins house). we do a secret santa for gifts at this but if you’re under 18 you get a present from every family. we used to go to church on christmas eve but since my dad’s not religious and me and my sister kinda stopped believing & my mum isn’t rly a fan of the catholic church as an organisation (shes still christian she just doesnt like the church) we dont do that anymore)

sometimes we drive around on christmas eve and look at the lights that people put up on their houses! a lot of people do that in my area btw just in case that sounds creepy

thanks for the message!!!

p.s. cat tax here is a pic of the boy