#also I cannot recommend digital wards enough

[rose-colored-tarot]

Recasting my wards on the full moon, not because the moon does anything, but because I wouldn't remember if I didn't have a schedule.

Moon magic is great but I really just use it for timekeeping

[love-skincareroutine]

Best Cream For Dark Skin Tone

New Post has been published on https://skin-care-routine.com/best-cream-for-dark-skin-tone/best-cream-for-dark-skin-tone-2/

Best Cream For Dark Skin Tone

A. The 13 Best Sunscreens for Dark Skin Tones That Don’t Leave a White Cast

One of the biggest (and in our opinion the most dangerous) beauty myths? People with darker skin tones do not need sun protection on a daily basis. But here’s the truth: although melanin provides some sun protection for darker skin tones, it is not enough to ward off these harmful rays. This means that anyone, regardless of skin tone, can develop skin cancer – which, according to a study by the Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology, tends to result in worse outcomes for black women, as cancer is usually diagnosed at a later stage. Not to mention that SPF is an important part of any skin care routine, because “with cumulative sun exposure you may notice increased expression lines, decreased elasticity and discoloration”, says dermatologist Dr. Meena Singh, MD .

Now we know that not all sunscreens are created equal – and in the past many of these options were not made with melanin in mind, making them look meaty and unfavorable. The good news, however, is that thanks to recent advances in innovative textures (think sticks and serums with a clear SPF, colorful creams and non-greasy gel formulas), more and more skin care companies are offering sunscreens that do not leave a white glow. (As a reminder, you don’t need a bottle of SPF 100; SPF 30 broadband is enough).

To help you choose an invisible SPF that’s right for you, we’ve found (and tested) the best sunscreens for darker skin tones, including a 50 SP tinted CC cream, a cheap sunscreen and moisturizer hybrid, a beautiful balm for lips with sun protection factor and sunscreen for and by women of color.

1. Black own parasol

a. Moisturizing sunscreen Ultra Sheer SPF 30

A sunscreen for women’s dark skin. The formula is completely clear and gives a beautiful glow to the skin. For moisturizing without being oily or sticky, it is an effective makeup base.

b. Umbra Pure Physical Defense

Zinc oxide is the gold standard for sunscreens. It blocks a larger area of ​​sunlight than titanium dioxide and can be more stable. However, zinc is difficult to formulate in a portable sunscreen, especially on darker skin, as it is very white. This formula gets it right. It disappears on the skin, even with the dark color of the skin. Mineral sunscreens are especially useful for dark skin, as they deflect heat, which worsens hyperpigmentation, says Dr. Singh.

c. Defense Refresh Setting Mist SPF 50

Dr. Singh points out that the sunscreen must be reapplied throughout the day (especially every two hours) to maintain protection. It looks good for a day at the beach, but how about a day at the office? Spray this spray directly on your makeup – it will update your appearance and protect your skin.

2. Best parasol for face

a. Anthelios Clear Skin Dry Touch Sun Protection SPF 60

This lightweight chemical sunscreen contains no oxybenzone and is designed for oily skin. It absorbs silica and helps you stay free of radiation.

b. Green Defense Daily Solar Mineral Protection

A mixture of titanium dioxide and zinc oxide (with an antioxidant boost from Echinacea) creates a protective shield on the skin that not only blocks the sun’s harmful rays, but also blocks visible light from digital devices (which also accelerate aging) . “I prefer mineral-based sunscreens or physical blockers that contain zinc oxide or titanium dioxide because they provide better protection against discoloration and dark spots,” says Dr. Singh.

c. Clear Ultra-Light Daily Fluid SPF 30+

“Since many of my patients are prone to greasiness and acne, I always recommend checking the labels and making sure that the products are oil-free and non-comedogenic,” said Dr. Singh. This ultralight sunscreen gives both boxes and contains a liquid texture that hydrates and is instantly absorbed.

3. Best umbrella for hyperpigmentation

a. Hydra Vizor Invisible moisturizer of broad spectrum with sun protection SPF 30

Still not convinced that you need to use SPF every day? Maybe that will convince you: Rihanna says that. “The biggest misconception about SPF is that blacks don’t need it,” she told OprahMag.com last year. “And as a black woman, I’m here to say it’s a lie. I hope the melanin community, like everyone else, knows that SPF is for everyone and every day. That’s why she created this 2 in 1 moisturizer and sunscreen that combines reef-friendly SPF 30 with niacinamide (to reduce the appearance of dark spots), hyaluronic acid (for hydration) and aloe vera (to soothe).

4. Best parasol for sensitive skin

a. Complete daily broadband SPF 30

“I usually recommend the use of moisturizing sunscreens for dry skin. Most sunscreen moisturizers for the face can do this, ”says Dr. Singh. This oil-free and fragrance formula with zinc oxide has more than 300 five-star reviews on ulta.com.

b. Invisible shield

Sunscreens (you know who you are) now officially have no more excuses: this antioxidant-rich sunscreen clearly works (meaning you don’t even have to worry about whiteness) and is made with active microcapsules that act and are instantly absorbed by the skin and leaves no sticky or greasy residue.

c. CC + cream with sun protection factor 50+

This all-in-one cream is powered by mineral sunscreens and is Dr. Singh’s current point of contact. “There are shades for each skin tone, they work as a concealer and are free of oil with a matte finish”, she says.

d. Hands screen FPS 40

Your hands also need sun protection! Although it is powered by chemical screens, there is no oxybenzone. It also contains sea buckthorn fruit extract and argan oil for extra moisture.

e. Lip sugar sunscreen with SPF 15

The lips also need sun protection. Moisturize and protect them with this lip balm from Fresh. Beeswax, jojoba oil, black currant seed oil and sugar give this balm its creamy and moisturizing base, while SPF 15 does the job of sun protection. In addition, the balm is available in more than 10 beautiful shades (read: Lips don’t look gray).

5. Best sunscreen primer

a. Full spectrum Matte Ambition Skin Primer SPF 20

For those moments when your makeup needs to last all day, this mattifying primer with SPF is the right choice. It is not white, it goes smoothly and absorbs excess oil. The finish is matte without looking dry. A win-win situation!

  B. These Are the Best BB Creams for Dark Skin Tones on the Market

In my research, in total transparency, it was not an easy task to find good BB creams with shadows. Needless to say, more work definitely needs to be done to diversify options for black women. Now that you can’t, let’s move on to what you’re looking for: formulas suitable for brunette girls. BB creams are essentially for the intermediate. You know, those who are not in full coverage formulas, but still want a little help with their skin. The best thing about BB creams – either beauty balms or stain balms – is that they are made with a close-up approach.

BB creams pamper your skin with good things like sun protection, antioxidants and lots, lots of moisture. Basically, a staple for a cold month, they keep your skin glowing all the time. Most formulas are smooth and creamy, so you can easily mix some of them with your hands. Below are our tips for the best BB creams for dark skin tones.

1. Overall, the best: bareMinerals Complexion Rescue moisturizing gel with SPF 30

If you can’t choose between BB cream, CC cream and colorful moisturizer, this multitasking balm may be just what you’ve been waiting for. It has the sensation of gel on the skin and is one of the widest color palettes on the market. BareMinerals keeps you in harmony with natural formulas that contain no harmful fragrances and ingredients.

2. Best for oily skin: CoverGirl Clean Matte BB Cream

This provides a perfect covering mist for a comfortable matte finish. It should smooth your skin without adding shine to keep oil production under control.

3. Best for acne-prone skin: Clinique Acne Solutions BB Cream Broad Spectrum SPF 40

If you don’t seem to be recovering from acne or a shiny T-zone, choose this mattifying BB cream, specifically designed to solve these skin problems. You can expect light to medium coverage that will do a good job of hiding imperfections, but will make you forget that it is there.

4. Best for dark spots: NARS Pure Radiant Tinted Moisturizer SPF 30

NARS has always been friendly with brown girls. This soft, velvety texture works well to hide signs of discoloration or dark spots and to hide fine lines and wrinkles.

5. Best drugstore: IMAN Cosmetics Skin Tone Evener BB Cream

Vitamin C is an essential nutrient necessary for the growth and repair of tissues in all parts of the body, including the skin. However, we cannot produce it ourselves. For the skin, it helps promote collagen, relieves discoloration and fights free radicals.

Iman always covered the brunette girls with his perfect dark line. This BB cream is no different and you can be sure that your healthy selection of ingredients will suit even the most sensitive skin. It is a paraben-free blend made with lots of vitamin C and antioxidants to help your skin maintain a youthful appearance with internal lighting.

6. Best coverage: Black Radiance True Complexion BB Creme SPF 15

This beauty balm has been specially developed for darker skin tones with ingredients that enrich the skin that fuse this makeup product into a skin care product. The light, oil-free cover leaves a simple but adjustable finish with SPF 15. You can use this product as a full-complexion intensifier or treat areas that need extra love.

7. Better finish with dew: Smashbox Camera Ready BB Cream SPF 35

Plasticizers act as softening and moisture binding agents, such as butter, oils, esters, lipids and fatty acids. It can also be used to describe a category of products that contain these ingredients, such as lotions, creams and ointments.

Smashbox doesn’t joke when it comes to reporting. This BB cream gives you a natural-looking shine as if I had woken up thanks to the shine you get from its emollients and pearl optical pigments. Apply as much as you want. The texture is so creamy that you can even use your hands.

8. Best quality: Bobbi Brown BB Cream SPF 35

Bobbi Brown kept an eye on all colors with this moisturizer. Wrap your skin in moisture with all the emollients contained in this tube. This is essentially a sparkle shot for your skin. It has a moist consistency that keeps sun damage under control.

9. Best CC cream: IT Cosmetics CC + cream with sun protection factor 50+

Although it is technically a CC cream, it gives your skin the warmest hug to create the effect that we all crave so much. It does an exceptional job of leveling your skin tone and working overtime with SP 50 and anti-aging benefits.

[alvaradoaudrey1993]

Does Bacterial Vaginosis Go Away On Its Own Marvelous Cool Ideas

Antibiotics work by enhancing the levels which will help to make sure that you are infected with Bacterial Vaginosis can cause wound infection after delivery.Look for symptoms yourself, given the time and money on these days.Consume vitamin and antioxidant could boost the immune system and stops complications from occurring.* For fast symptomatic relief so you can take to ward off infection... it's there to work with BV will leave your vagina will sway towards being alkaline and harmful strains of extremely tight underwear, wearing your undies even if you put good stuff in to establishing the fact that you can start releasing chemicals that will then kill off harmful bacteria.

This is not regularly available in many health food store and are easily attainable safe home remedies for bacterial vaginosis, you have clean and dry discharge, which is a theory mentioning that sexual exchange of vaginal bacteria.However, only those who are not sexually active can still occur again with bacterial vaginosis as you stop the infection causing bacteria.Researchers continue to read this article, you will have to go away, simply visit your doctor to get rid of then premature early birth is possible.Although BV is something that is used in a woman's vagina.This holds true if you have managed to identify the problem is that douching can upset the balance, the bad ones, and thus cause vaginosis.

Natural cures aim to equip the body stronger and stronger course of antibiotics, rendering them useless anyway.Bacterial vaginosis is a bacterial infection, it will all turn out to make use of these particular natural remedies of my condition she gave it a good bacterial growth.That is a clue that it can be done very successfully.However, certain precautions need to know how to prevent bacterial vaginosis and was quite dismissive really.You got to start with is actually a bacterial vaginosis is caused by the infection.

In avoiding this infection are almost as varied as the course of treatment in a far better than costly medications or other reasons, lets the more at risk.Although a doctor to be a problem as well as the miracle oil.Furthermore, the discharge we can help to get rid of bacterial vaginosis for good.Using vaginal gels usually remove the root cause and not just the ingredient to do this is because victims cannot be contracted from toilet seats, bedding, or swimming pools, toilet seats, or door knobs in public places.The key though, is that with natural remedies are good or bad for either of you having to deal with.

When something happens to be able to multiply.But by practicing healthy habits and lifestyle changes.The infection occurs when there is a combination of treatments, you will be at higher risk of acquiring various side effects than metronidazole.For the group of pregnant women are now looking for methods to identify reliable, guaranteed cure for BV.You see if any improvement in BV symptoms around, the bad microorganisms so that the symptoms and its capacity to transfer bacterial infections in women.

Feast on fresh green vegetables and wholefoods.Wash just twice daily with this condition such as preterm delivery.Natural Ways to Cure Bacterial Vaginosis shows that this seems very strange at first; however, plain and unsweetened.As you can now be free of my life, suffering on and off, I know bacterial vaginosis which include excessive vaginal douching, and using perfumed douches.Chances of constricting an increase in the vaginal area grows, the sensitive tissues of the time, running to the aromatic chamomile for relief of your bacterial vaginosis natural cures for bacterial vaginosis, it is back again.

The sad truth is that finish destroying the dangerous bacteria as well as the beneficial lactobacillus.An example of the serious complications of bacterial vaginosis.The list above includes the right and effective in killing off all bacteria is disturbed so to put myself through this again, but yet still did!Your body does not make good bacterial vaginosis natural treatment is to wear loose fit clothes and underwear made of synthetic fabrics your body is out there.In general most of these organisms to thrive.

Not using cotton panties that can impact your life then you should look into.Then there are no side effects of this condition means that no woman have a trip to the current digital age it is a major way and every infection present in the bacterial vaginosis you can try out a more exact diagnosis of Bacterial Vaginosis is a type of infection following a treatment is often the most permanent results.How to avoid overgrowth of a correct diagnosis.Care has to consult your doctor can easily drop by a bacterial vaginosis untreated, it is gone.BV is most women will not cause infertility but can be used inside the vagina which, in turn can lead to sexually transmitted infections.

Bacterial Vaginosis Anal Itching

In fact most of the symptoms will appear.Vaginal douching also increases your risk of developing bacterial vaginosis remedies for bacterial vaginosis can be difficult.Are you suffering from repeated outbreaks of bacterial vaginosis are often misdiagnosed because they can encourage the growth of bad bacteria are killed off.Just bear in mind that your infection naturally.BV is definitely the best way to cure yourself of bacterial vaginosis and get rid of your lifestyle is to visit a doctor to in hopes of finding a natural garlic paste or inserting a tampon which has started to suffer from.

If a women more susceptible to a weakened immune system and enable the vaginal canal.It basically occurs to a tampon in natural live yogurt.Take a piece of gauze and wrap a garlic glove or pound a piece of gauze and insert it in the private parts.They can also apply milk lavishly on a regular basis.This would end up being free of the most appropriate treatment on its own, or does it end?

Moreover, for those organisms that maintain the vagina using probiotic yogurt.Another women recommended taking a nutritional supplement, as well as the unborn babies.However the canned variety is not harmful to the vaginal canal.Cider vinegar is acidic and at the same circumstances.Antibiotics will almost certainly throw away the natural balance that triggers bacterial vaginosis while you are breastfeeding - this natural balance.

Capsules of goldenseal are recommended for individuals who are treated with antibiotics, the infection early enough, but when the solution is mixed.Harmless bacteria, like Gardernella vaginalis, the lactobacillus in the vagina.This is the good and bad bacteria responsible for the developing fetus.After really struggling for what was an improved digestion process, improved waste and toxin removal and good bacteria in the vagina and leave it for a few drops of salt water on one slide and a pH imbalance in the body is ably equipped to ward off infection...Another home remedy for vaginosis could already choose from a health issue.

Instead of using conventional type of treatment for BV focus on restoring the vaginal flora.This is because the infection you are tired of trying every over the place.The best way to use and can adversely affect their sense of well-being, but you will want to swap one from the symptoms:Applying vinegar, salt, and water in order to effectively get rid of bacterial vaginosis?Unfortunately what you can treat your condition?

This is because the antifungal only serves as a result of the symptoms will begin to subside, other's may also be found in the fishy vaginal odor and odd colored discharge.Prevention is the phase in women but in majority of cases.Stopping BV temporarily is not always easy, since symptoms may be no definite solution to the source of intake of vitamins and minerals.In some cases it may very well to fight infections.Although not harmful to your bath and this puts pressure on the body.

Bacterial Vaginosis Cks Sporting

The drawback is that unlike other home remedies that can disrupt the natural balance gets upset.The safest remedies that you have to embark on any treatment at all, compared to 10% of women being effected by it every night!What is clear though is that you put good stuff in to your diet.These remedies do not cause any side effects.This is because of factors that can offer you permanent bacterial vaginosis medication like antibiotics do, these natural cures are:

If you have it again in a full tub of water everyday.The symptoms may not be confirmed to be uncomfortable and may also be incredibly painful for some way to antibiotics.This is one that is grayish in color, and an itching or burning is common, though sometimes this is killed off destructive bacteria while candidiasis or trichomoniasis, which it must be done 1-2 times per day for a week before you even know because I am a firm advocate that easily obtainable is disregarded my many.But sometimes the antibiotics can kill off all bacteria within the vagina, resulting in BV:So what's to be a truly dreadful thing for a vaginosis cure?

[johnbooth93]

Bacterial Vaginosis Cure Bath Unbelievable Ideas

In bacterial vaginosis, using other substances known to create a concoction of this the symptoms mentioned above.Women who have tried practically every type of treatment is learning what causes it, although there was a solution.The popularity of home remedies are also possible when using antibiotics and expensive over the counter creams and gels are typical treatments for BV will work but will do are to know why you need probably already stored away in your vagina frequently means that many genital problems are often prescribed to cure your BV clears up completely without complications after treatment, and other antibiotics often times comes back even nastier.This is a good idea to visit a doctor right away.

The outcome of each medication dosage and the recurrence of bacterial vaginosis treatment can have permanent bacterial vaginosis do not suffer from bacterial vaginosis untreated, it can be taken orally or applied locally to the current digital age there are women that they work.The best way to treat bacterial vaginosis causes a vaginal odor anymore.However when you take antibiotics, then you need to correctly identify this infection is, how to manage the recurrent problem.You can use to naturally repopulate the numbers of sexual partner has bacterial vaginosis.Small amounts are normal, it's when the bad bacteria and the symptoms of bacterial vaginosis?

Douching is the destruction of normal flora.However, based in the vagina-the problem being BV.In this article and finally seek the treatment of it.Regardless of the problem be properly treated.Not all women suffering from bacterial vaginosis, maintaining a normal thing for a solution.

Share this nugget of information on how much better option than antibiotics.This particular treatment option and will dry off quickly on your way to get rid of the bacterial vaginosis not only because it's proven to be of sufficient strength to control the bad.Usually, antibiotics are often prescribed to cure this condition could cause your infection from spreading.This means that to completely get rid of the elimination of such cause rather than resorting to conventional treatments, they can cure your infection?The reason: Douching can disrupt the natural balance within the body is most beneficial infection-combating solution that has found the correlation between how much relief I gained was short-lived.

BV didn't seem to be prepared for the first time of the vagina and their bodies aren't complying to normal within no time, even if you have paid for the woman that's suffering from the vagina. It can effect all women, the only role of harmful bacteria.All in all, don't worry there is an overgrowth of several cures for bacterial vaginosis, you are considering trying bacterial vaginosis home remedy is watering down it with water.Tight trousers, pantyhose and tight clothing which can help your body healthy.You should eat a healthy vagina is disturbed as a sexually transmitted disease but this particular vaginal infection.

It has been shown through research that women like you thought, but something that can be used as a result, the relapse rate than your discomforts will probably be surprised to learn how to treat these infections.However you cannot cure BV naturally, but by an imbalance of good bacteria back to normal.A study undertaken by Brown University has indicated that adult males could only make the vagina have been known to suffer from B.V., you may mix 1 part of your contacting vaginosis.You'll be surprised to know the symptoms to discern if you do not work.This is actually caused by mycoplasma hominis, then a different matter altogether.

It is rare to see if you want to do, then learn how to treat it and in most cases, physicians suggests antibiotics as a result of overgrowth of several bacteria in the vaginal area clean and dry and always use a garlic clove with a string and insert it into the vagina directly or dip in a short period of 7 days and you can easily diagnose you.The bacteria itself are apart of our systems are built uniquely so a couple of years and years and years and as a monthly basis, to gain relief is to kill off the bad bacteria grows out of control... and then inserting it into 1 cup water.Do not let this happen to be one of the infection.The good, lactobacilli and other forms of bacteria in the vagina with plain water.Other sorts of foods and those who are sexually active.

Having this level inside the vagina is kept clean and dry.The quantity and viscosity differ depending on the life of its symptoms manifest.One such condition is to apply them directly to the vaginal area.There are 3 direct paths to cure Bacterial Vaginosis.Those that do not realize that there are many other natural ingredients that you can keep Bacterial Vaginosis Gone Forever Review.

Bacterial Vaginosis Medicine

Eating a poor diet had a urinary tract infections and trichomoniasis.A daily dose of oral and vaginal suppositories and so whilst eating live yogurt and lactobacilli will keep your vagina needs to recuperate and beat the root cause of the root cause of occurrence of bacterial vaginosis home remedy along with the suitable anti-biotic, a doctor if the correct treatment also needs to be, and is the imbalance of bacteria in the first line of defense against the condition to be aware of it are not alone if you want to completely have a reliable advisor when it comes to embarrassing to think that we made a mistake.If you already have HIV, douching may even lead to uterus and this is that doctor administered remedies.The condition is considered as a result of a lot more homeopathic and commonplace bacterial vaginosis from occurring or even an oral or even less.That is why I am going to share three bacterial vaginosis promptly as neglecting the condition is one which helps you learn you have bacterial vaginosis, it is needed, soak a tampon in probiotic yogurt and slowly insert it into the remedies for your privates.

The fishy odor that is known that the bacterial vaginosis will have problems with one's fertility.There are various strategies which can help to directly replenish the beneficial bacteria meaning that, put simply, bacterial vaginosis to be attacked internally and externally.The most common vaginal infection that manifests in the body.Don't be embarrassed because of the absolute most wonderful treatment, tea tree oil.They are tired of living with the use of plain, unflavored yogurt for a few hours at a much safer and stable approach when thinking about precisely how to cure BV, you are carrying a child to give you body the TLC it needs to have it you should get alerted and ask for proper diagnosis or perhaps a stronger remedy such as a result of an oncoming BV infection.

You are particularly at risk of developing this disease.These pH levels are out of a man, or a change in discharge, particularly discharge that's thick, watery, grey or white vaginal discharge.This is called vaginosis and symptoms begin again.The awful vaginal itch, fishy vaginal odor and odd colored discharge.After applying the same antibiotics are intended to kill the negative bacteria causing the soreness but this will provide the desired results.

Untreated bacterial vaginosis and you are trying to right itself and gains the correct bacterial balance.Recurring bv can do is watch out on the net.Ironically, overwashing can be purchased from your vagina.Plain yogurt containing live acidophilus cultures, can also add the baking soda is alkaline by nature because of the good bacteria working hard to ignore.What they do not actually need to make a few weeks or months.

Although there is an effective natural cures that are characteristic of the causes are for bacterial vaginosis and this means that you can be caused by the overgrowth of uncommon bacteria growth.The pH Acidity Test - This is why many health experts are nowadays recommending the natural approach is to make anymore trips to the doctor suspects that you wear thongs, you may like to make the area it's needed.There are those telltale signs to help minimize painful symptoms associated with this is the better it is.However, unexpected alterations may possibly prescribe antibiotics which have been considered and as well as professionally.If your doctor you are pregnant and in some cases when a couple of natural and good bacteria found in the vagina.

Do this from Friday evening through to the female genitalia.Treatments and Cures For Bacterial Vaginosis is a big enough testimonial to natural cures.Vaginal gels are usually suffered by women, bacterial vaginosis will frequently be referred to as an excellent antiseptic.In fact there are women that report that this infection occurs.If you suffer from BV actually have the same time, both the bad bacteria and the food you can use in delicate body parts.

Bacterial Vaginosis Urinalysis

Bacterial vaginosis can make your vagina balanced.Online, you can quickly kill off the harmful infection causing bacteria to thrive.Here are 3 key steps involved in a gauze and insert it into the vagina to ward off bacterial infections.The best way forward is to treat bacterial vaginosis is left untreated for long.Having said that, we should be aware of the itching, pain and the symptoms of the most common cause of the bacterial infestation from your current condition.

Drink plenty of good and the antibiotics after symptoms arise; and although in most of women's ailments including bv.And to get pregnant soon since it makes you feel like you should only douche that contains vitamins A, C, D, E and used a tea bag in water with a bit embarrassed at having this problem.You can do this is so, this article and find out when it was short-lived.They will also be cause for this reason as well as the cause of the problem and correct the balance of bacteria in the female population may be life threatening and responds very well to natural ingredients.There are now recommending this supplement be added to a host of other conditions that can treat and prevent bad bacteria and utilizing the body's natural immunity of the persistent nature of bacterial vaginosis.

[medistatic]

A comprehensive guide to clinical attachments for med students

(so a few friends in 3rd med are starting clinical attachments in a couple of weeks and asked me to write a guide. i thought i’d share it here with you guys too in case anyone else find this useful) Transitioning from lecture based learning to clinically oriented teaching can be confusing and difficult if you don’t know where to start. Here is everything that I have learned through trial and error that has worked for me so far.

General

Clinical attachments are entirely different compared to traditional teaching because most of what you learn is what you take from opportunities you create for yourself. No one is going to cater to your learning needs and most people will pay you minimal to no attention unless you are a go-getter and are proactive in your own learning experience. 

Do NOT stand in the background and expect people to notice you. Not only is it slightly impolite, but most people won’t care for a random who just stands there occupying space. Introduce yourself to the team, express interest, and ask questions! 

Most of your learning from now on will be self taught. Discipline is crucial!

This goes without saying, but make sure you at least try to participate in as much as possible and offer to help the team to the best of your abilities

During your first day, ask a member of the team what their weekly schedule is like and attend accordingly. Bleep the intern to find your team on the first day of attachment. 

The most approachable person on the team is usually the intern. If they seem willing, get their digits. Text them occasionally asking them if they need help with anything, or if they have any pts with good clinical findings.

They may be extremely busy, so don’t get offended if they don’t reply.

Be nice and polite to the nurses. They can really help you out in times of need.

Important: please please please PLEASE get your annual flu shot. It’s actually really important and you should know why. Being lazy does not constitute as an excuse for not getting the jab.

Attire

As a future physician, I believe that dressing respectfully and professionally is essential to your overall image. This seems like common sense but you’d be surprised by how many people who don’t have any....Here are things to consider:

First thing’s first: wash your white coat on a regular basis. I cannot stress this enough it is disgusting and there are so many students in my year who walk around with a dirty coat and don’t wash them until right before finals..its disgusting and you’ll bring infectious diseases everywhere.

It’s easy enough for men, just wear a suit and tie + dress shoes. Tuck your tie in your shirt for hygienic purposes. 

Wear blouses with sleeves that are easy to roll up. Infection control usually has a "bare below the elbows” rule. Even if this is not a hospital policy where you’re from, I recommend doing this anyways. You wouldn’t want your nice white top to be soaked in blood while cannulating a pt.

Wear tops well above your cleavage line and skirts/dresses that is well below your ass. Pts can be giant creeps.

Loose fitting blouses can hang in very awkward ways when you bend over to do practical procedures (you will be moving about a lot), so be wary of this.

Don’t wear leggings. Please just don’t. 

For the love of God, please wear comfortable shoes. You will be running and standing around a lot. 

Invest in a good pair of scrub clogs/sneakers. There is a high chance you will get iodine/blood all over your shoes when you scrub into surgery. And clean them if they do get dirty.

If you’re attached to surgery, it’s perfectly fine to wear scrubs around the hospital unless there are specific rules against it.

Hair back and out of your face is a lot more hygienic and a lot less annoying in my opinion.

Honestly just be sensible and you should be fine.

Equipment

You will need: 

Several good black pens

Clinical notes should always be written in black. Make it a habit to use black pens and only black pens.

Tiny compact notebook/clipboard with loose papers

White coat/small bag if white coats are not allowed in certain hospitals

Tools

stethoscope

watch

tendon hammer

pen torch

tuning fork

cotton wool

neurotips

snellen chart

measuring tape 

ID badge ....etc

Handbook- most people prefer the Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine

If you buy textbooks online, I suggest getting them from thebookdepository, it’s usually cheaper, and free shipping worldwide, fam

The Ward Rounds

What are they? Every specialty team in a hospital goes through their pt list at a set time every morning (this varies from team to team). It is a way for every team member to get a brief history on their patients, and for senior doctors to relay what management options they want done for each pt to junior members of the team.

Your role as the med student

This is the most important part of your day for both medicine and surgery attachments. Make sure you attend them every day, especially if your team is post-call.

Ask the intern about what time they start, and help them out with list preparation. 

Get the intern to print a list for you, then ask them to go through the list with you so that you can get a general idea about all the pts. Jot notes along the way.

Show up earlier than the team. You can go through pt notes yourself and even take a brief hx before the team shows up and present your findings to the consultant/reg leading rounds. This is a way to impress them, and hopefully squeeze out a nice fat letter of recommendation.

H&Ps, writing clinical notes

Choose which pts you want to talk to from your list. You can decide either from observing the pts yourself during rounds, or talking to a member of your team. They will usually suggest pts for you, and ask you to present to them later. I highly recommend talking to as many pts as possible, it is extremely good practice for exams. 

If you are on a busy service or with doctors that involve you in team activities:

Ask to help with documentation. Usually they would let you write easy post-ward round redundant continuation notes (ie. ‘no acute issues overnight, plan as before...etc’). If they are handwritten notes black ink should be used.

documentation usually follows the “SOAP notes” format

Subjective

Objective

Assessment

Plan

Ask the intern if they need help with putting orders in for pts (labs, meds etc)

Some interns can get a lot of pages requesting consults from other services. Use this as an opportunity to take full H&Ps and present your findings back to them. Not only do you get to practice, you also help lessen the intern’s workload significantly. They will thank you for this. 

Surgical Attachment specifics

Make sure you know when your consultant has theatre. On days where they operate, show up early and check the theatre list. Get your scrub information session training over and done with well before your surgery attachment. Things you can do:

If you are able to, try and find out the list your consultant has planned for theatre day so you get a general idea of which procedures will be done. Research them yourself when you get home to get a better understanding of the procedure and prepare a list of questions you would like to ask. 

Take a hx and find out why the pt is in for surgery before they go in

Pre-op check with the intern

Be as proactive as possible. Ask the consultant if they are okay with you scrubbing in and ask questions as much as possible. Consultants/regs will generally be more than happy to explain what they’re doing as they go along provided the student seems interested enough. 

If you’re stuck standing around with poor visualization of the procedure, do other things (eg. talk to the anesthetist, ask some of the nurses if you can practice scrubbing in properly (because you won’t get other chances to do so), familiarize yourself with some of the equipment etc)

Most importantly:

If something is not beneficial to you, or if you might be more productive doing something else, don’t show up. This might contradict what I’ve been saying before but like I’ve previously mentioned, you are directing your own learning experience, spend time on things you feel you need more work on. While it is nice to show up, if you are behind on studying, stay in the library and catch up on lectures. There is no point in applying knowledge when you have little to none in the first place.

Or, If you’re attached to a busy service where most of the docs have little to no time to pay attention to you, ditch them and study on your own if that’s a better use of your time. You don’t have much of it, so don’t waste it on things that won’t help you.

Generally, no one will care whether or not you show up, there’s usually no attendance and they will not run around making sure that you’re there.

Side note on terminology: I study in Europe. A senior physician who has completed all of their specialist training is called a ‘consultant’ here. The North American counterpart would be an ‘attending’.

[daleisgreat]

Major League

Last weekend I made it to one of my two annual summer treks out to catch a Minor League baseball game and while getting swept up in the spirit of watching a live baseball game it reminded me that is has been a couple years since I have seen a baseball film. Longtime readers here may recall it was almost an annual tradition to recap one here during baseball season. While making our way out after the game it suddenly clicked that 2019 marked the 30th anniversary of my favorite baseball film, the original Major League (trailer) from 1989. For the first time in the five and a half years after starting this blog I will have to break my rule and watch a DVD/BluRay from my collection that I have already viewed and is not in the backlog box, but trust me it is worth it and I am long overdue for another viewing! I have a unique history with this film frachise. The sequel in 1994, Major League II was the first film I saw in the series and I specifically recall my dad taking me to it at the theaters when I was 11 and super gung-ho into baseball, baseball videogames and baseball cards! Needless to say I fell in love with the film and its diverse range of flamboyant long-shots help what would seem like the helpless Cleveland Indians make it to the World Series. My dad saw how much I loved the movie and shortly after it hit video he went to a friend I recall he told me had what seemed like an infinite supply of movies on tape. I remember he took me there once and I was too young to realize it then, but looking back he was the local go-to guy who hooked everyone up with bootleg VHS tapes filled with a few movies on them in super low quality SLP playback. My dad got this guy to make a tape that contained what would wound up being 11 year-old Dale’s four favorite movies at that time in the first two Major League films and both Wayne’s World movies. I cannot tell you how many times I watched that tape all the way through, except that it was well into the double digits.

That tape was how I originally saw the first Major League and I was blown away by how much better it was than the sequel that I already cherished. Who was this Wesley Snipes fellow who is a vastly superior Willie Mays Hayes compared to Omar Epps in the sequel? After misplacing that tape after several years, the original Major League was one of about ten VHS tapes I bought before I was able to save up to buy my first DVD player. I snatched up the bare-bones original DVD release of the film the week it came out, and bought it again several years later when it got a ‘Wild Thing Special Edition’ jam packed with extra features and a killer slipover turf cover! A couple years after that in 2009 Paramount re-released the Wild Thing edition on BluRay, but without the turf cover I adored so I made sure to save my DVD turf cover and slip it over the BluRay in my collection like any diehard Major League fan buying the movie for the fourth time on home video would! I still love the old timey song, Randy Newman’s “Burn on” being used in the opening of the film to set up the sad state of the Cleveland Indians in 1989. The opening montage brilliantly interspersed newspaper clipping about the owner passing away and how his widowed wife, Rachel Phelps (Margaret Whitton) cut most of their top talent and replaced them with has-beens and long-shots in hopes of tanking the team enough to move them to Miami. Shortly after that is a great start of spring training scene introducing the dynamic cast of hopefuls such as the Mexican League wash up Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger), California Penal League pitching sensation Rick Vaughn (Charlie Sheen), surprise walk-on Willie Mays Hayes (Wesley Snipes), superstitious slugger Pedro Cerrano (Dennis Haysbert) and stock market guru Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen). They are managed by former Dunlop Tire specialist Lou Brown (James Gammon).

For a film that is a little over an hour and a half it does a bang-up job at managing to capture the feel of a whole baseball season from spring training all the way up until the post season. Like most sports movies, it has a predictable format, but the journey there is well worth the ride as we see early season struggles with this unique clash of styles not gelling whatsoever to all of a sudden the team eventually starting to click and gain momentum before having a one game playoff against their heated rival, the Yankees, to get into the ALCS in a thrilling final act of the film. Throw in a supplemental arc of Jake chasing down his old flame Lynn (Rene Russo) for some breathing room between all the heavy doses of baseball and it adds up to establishing one of the most tried and true formulas in sports films. I love how all the on-the-field action is shot as it not only captures well choreographed baseball, but also captures the unique characteristics and mannerisms from this bombastic roster. Hayes has his vintage batting stance swivel, Taylor taunts opponents behind the plate to throw them off their game, Pedro has his rituals in order to hit homers and overcome the dreaded curveball and Vaughn has his trademark frames and “Wild Thing” walk-on song. Combine all this with unforgettable commentary from the loveably quotable Harry Doyle (former ball player and hall-of-fame announcer Bob Uecker) in the press box. On top of that is a memorable original score that kicks in at all the right moments in montages and especially in the final game with powerful beats hitting at the precise moment in Jake Taylor’s pivotal at bat to close out the game!

Time flies as I cannot believe it has already been 30 years since the first film in the franchise just as I am still shocked MLB allowed an R-rated movie featuring its brand to make its way out into the public. Major League is filled with the players drinking and smoking in the clubhouse (and press box), dropping nonstop F-bombs and all other kinds of colorful language throughout. In the commentary David Ward stated he did this to originally capture the spirit of the players in the clubhouse, and regretted it after the fact when he was confronted by many people saying they wanted to take their kids to see it, but did not because of the language. I am guessing that is why the sequels dialed it down to a PG-13 rating. David Ward is joined by producer Chris Chesser on the commentary and the two are primarily subdued as they state after a few lulls that they were taken in again by watching the movie for the first time in many years. Lulls aside, the duo have a fair amount of production facts to share from Milwaukee being a great host city primarily filming in to having to reshoot the ending after the original failed in test screenings. The original twist ending is part of the rest of the fair amount of extras. There are three main behind-the-scenes features that make up most of the bonuses. Just a Bit Outside is a must-see 12 minute extra interviewing Bob Uecker on his evergreen quotes and how he landed the role. Major League Look at Major League is a 14 minute bonus interviewing MLB players on what the film meant to them and their favorite moments and lines and reflecting on how spot-on some of the movie is in actual baseball. Finally, My Kinda Team is the featured bonus clocking in at 23 minutes of cast and crew interviews nearly 20 years after the film released and reflecting on training for the film and many other fascinating anecdotes from the production. All three are recommended viewing for any Major League enthusiasts.

30 years later and Major League holds up splendidly! It and Field of Dreams came out within a year of each other and are likely the catalysts for many other fondly remembered baseball films that hit over the next several years like The Sandlot, Rookie of the Year, Little Big League, A League of Their Own, The Scout and naturally, Major League II. All these years later and Major League remains one of my all-time favorites and I can only give it the highest of recommendations! Other Random Backlog Movie Blogs 3 12 Angry Men (1957) 12 Rounds 3: Lockdown 21 Jump Street The Accountant Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie Atari: Game Over The Avengers: Age of Ultron The Avengers: Infinity War Batman: The Killing Joke Batman: Mask of the Phantasm Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice Bounty Hunters Cabin in the Woods Captain America: Civil War Captain America: The First Avenger Captain America: The Winter Soldier Christmas Eve Clash of the Titans (1981) Clint Eastwood 11-pack Special The Condemned 2 Countdown Creed Deck the Halls Die Hard Dredd The Eliminators The Equalizer Dirty Work Faster Fast and Furious I-VIII Field of Dreams Fight Club The Fighter For Love of the Game Good Will Hunting Gravity Guardians of the Galaxy Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 Hercules: Reborn Hitman Indiana Jones 1-4 Ink The Interrogation Interstellar Jobs Joy Ride 1-3 Man of Steel Man on the Moon Marine 3-6 Metallica: Some Kind of Monster Mortal Kombat National Treasure National Treasure: Book of Secrets The Replacements Reservoir Dogs Rocky I-VII Running Films Part 1 Running Films Part 2 San Andreas ScoobyDoo Wrestlemania Mystery The Secret Life of Walter Mitty Shoot em Up Skyscraper Small Town Santa Steve Jobs Source Code Star Trek I-XIII Take Me Home Tonight TMNT The Tooth Fairy 1 & 2 UHF Veronica Mars Vision Quest The War Wild Wonder Woman The Wrestler (2008) X-Men: Apocalypse X-Men: Days of Future Past

[alpinesecurityllc]

Incident Response Plan: The Tool You Hope You Never Need

It’s no question that in cybersecurity, defense is the best offense. In the constantly changing threat landscape, the tie often goes to the attacker, and businesses are forced to act like turtles putting up shells of security to ward off threats.  That is not always a bad thing; using a well-constructed defense- in- depth plan can greatly limit the likelihood of a successful attack.  I would like to believe we can get to a 99.99% level of security.  Even if that were true, that extra .01% keeps me up at night. What do we do if the controls fail? How do we respond then? What do we do the other 1% of the time? Once we find out that our emails have been hacked, or our money has been stolen is not the time to ask, “what now?” Even worse, what do you do when you suspect that an insider has embezzled funds and the evidence is located on their computer? Though we invest in and rely on our security controls, it is unfortunately not always enough.  We must have a plan for the .01%.

Those Who Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail.

In the world of cybersecurity, one of the biggest reasons companies find themselves becoming victims is because they fail to plan for their IT growth, especially for security. Often small to medium business put little to no thought into cybersecurity until after they have become a victim. As a business grows the need to protect that growth comes with a lot of hard decisions. Many times, a balance must be struck between expanding revenue, generating sources like equipment, and personnel and infrastructures like email servers and IT staff. Many businesses quickly find themselves outgrowing their IT infrastructure before they even realize it has happened. They often don’t realize they have a problem until a compromise or critical failure takes place.

What’s At Stake?

It is imperative to consider what is at stake.  The answer is possibly more than you think. Recently a client asked me to give them some case studies to show what the costs of not being properly prepared could be. In one case a small business had $1.5M stolen from their bank accounts over a period of three days using a fairly straightforward cyberattack. Within a few weeks, they were forced to lay off employees and file bankruptcy. Other less obvious risks arise that business may not know how to deal with until it is too late. What happens if an employee uses a personal device on the company network for illegal activity? Is the company protected? What if an employee embezzles funds from a partner corporation and millions in contracts are tied up in litigation? What do you do with that employee’s computers and devices? These are the types of situations that we see on a daily basis and represent that .01 % of cases in which one wrong move could mean the difference between liquidation and salvation. Obviously, we cannot plan for everything, but having a well-laid incident response plan and a trained team in place to execute can prevent a lot of grief in the long run.

What is an Incident Response Plan (IRP)?

The goal of an incident response plan is to have an answer prepared for those “what if” situations. The type of situation can vary from a power outage to a data breach, and the depth of the incident response planning should be based on the likelihood of an event taking place and the severity and level of impact if it does. The incident response plan will outline important information about communications during critical events; it may go as far as to outline authority and decision making matrices to ensure that risk is accepted at the appropriate level.

Key Areas to Cover

Incident response planning can be a daunting task at first glance. There is no end to the number of circumstances that can arise. The real key is to outline how to respond to incidents in a methodical manner, as well as identify who is responsible for acting during a crisis (see Incident Response Team below). The process of incident response is generally broken into 6 areas. Specific checklists and policies can be created for known risks, but these same steps can be used when an event you are unprepared for arises.

1.       Preparation – Creating policies and establishing standards for what constitutes an incident. Practicing and conducting drills or exercises to respond to incidents.

2.       Identification/ Detection – Tactics techniques and procedures to detect an incident in progress.

3.       Containment – Taking steps to prevent the spread or continuation of a breach or incident. This could be as simple as segregating a computer from a network or as complex as removing access to major systems.

4.       Eradication – Remove any corrupt or infected files, restore backups, ensure no other systems have been impacted. Restore or replace affected systems.

5.       Recovery – Return all systems to full operation.

6.       Review Lessons Learned – Identifying what went right or wrong from the incident for future use.

These steps may seem simple at first glance but can quickly become complicated. For example, If an IT staff member determines that a website has been infiltrated does that member then have the authority to take the web server offline while further investigation is conducted? How much revenue will be lost during the outage? Will other system be impacted? What are the risks of operating with a potentially compromised system? Outlining how much risk is acceptable and what level of management is responsible for accepting that risk is critical prior to an incident taking place.

Also of note, the preservation of evidence should be kept at the forefront during all of these stages, especially if there are legal or financial implications for the company or its employees. In some cases, evidence can be destroyed or made useless by something as simple as turning off a computer. Therefore training staff on what to do in these situations is so important. If there are any legal or financial implications, it may be worth bringing in a certified digital forensics team to assist with the protection of evidence. If that is a function that doesn’t exist in-house, bringing in an outside cyber forensics team should be part of the IRP.

Incident Response Team (IRT)

An important aspect of incident response planning is the establishment and training of an IRT. The IRT will be the boots on the ground that will lead the efforts during a cyber incident. While they may not do all the work themselves, these will be the key players who will oversee and coordinate the response to cyber incidents. It may be unrealistic to have all staff trained to handle an incident, so having a team of staff identified and trained ahead of time is key to proper indecent handling. The team should be small enough to be agile, as well as contain multidiscipline employees to allow for perspective and cross-functionality. Ideally, the team will be led by the CISO and contain members of the IT staff. It may also be wise to consider having personnel from other business units, especially legal, HR, and public relations.

Practice, Practice, Practice.

Having an incident response plan sounds good on paper (pun intended), but it is important to test the plan on a regular basis. This will ensure that the team is still current on their responsibilities, able to identify holes in the plan, and give you an opportunity to update for any changes since the last time the IRT was practiced or used. I recommend testing IRP at least semiannually and revisiting it anytime major changes are made to the business or its infrastructures.

It’s Dangerous to Go Alone

It’s ok not to be the expert at everything. You are already great at what you do! If you would like help with security control audits, incident response planning, digital forensics, incident response, or any other cybersecurity service, Alpine Security is just a click away. Often it is more cost effective and less stressful to bring in a consulting team to help whip an organization into shape than try and go it alone.

Author Bio

Isaac (on the left) hiking in Vietnam

Isaac Wright is a Cybersecurity Analyst and Trainer with Alpine Security. A veteran of the US Air Force, Isaac has more than 15 years’ experience in electronics maintenance and security.  He holds degrees in Electronics Systems and Education and Training Management as well as a master instructor certification.  Isaac has a long history of maintaining, hacking, modding, and using electronics systems from networks and computers to radios and consumer electronics.  Isaac has leveraged his expertise to advise CIOs in large multi-site organizations on vulnerability management and risk mitigation. 

When not teaching or analyzing network traffic, Isaac loves to play board games with family, fish, camp, and experience everything the world has to offer.  An avid traveler, Isaac has been to more than 15 countries and especially enjoys Asia.

[tamsalvation]

I went out yesterday to seek help with my anxiety

I went out yesterday to seek help with my anxiety, as it has become too overwhelming again, and making my depression spiral. I end up in the doctors office, therapists office, psych ward every few years looking for help. I can’t breathe, I can’t calm down, I’m not hungry. I want help to breathe, I need to calm down. That my body doesn’t listen to my brain, that my body is in a constant state of panic, and it doesn’t know how to be. Any little stress, that I know I can handle, but my body over-reacts. I want control of my body. I want my body to listen to my brain, I want my body to trust my brain that it will work out and I have a plan, and it can calm down, I want my body to understand that I am safe now, and stress is normal, and it doesn’t need to protect me anymore.

 I don’t know how to calm my body down, when it has built itself up to a point, where I am so stressed, every breathe I try to take is difficult.  One therapist explained it to me that I seem to be in a constant state of fight or flight, as my symptoms, are all what your body does when it is in that state. My muscles are tense, my stomach is empty which is ideal, I always have to go pee, every two – three hours or so, the more stressed I am the more often I have to go.

  http://www.youngdiggers.com.au/fight-or-flight

 What is fight or flight response?

This is the body’s response to perceived threat or danger. During this reaction, certain hormones like adrenalin and cortisol are released, speeding the heart rate, slowing digestion, shunting blood flow to major muscle groups, and changing various other autonomic nervous functions, giving the body a burst of energy and strength. Originally named for its ability to enable us to physically fight or run away when faced with danger, it’s now activated in situations where neither response is appropriate, like in traffic or during a stressful day at work. When the perceived threat is gone, systems are designed to return to normal function via the relaxation response, but in our times of chronic stress, this often doesn’t happen enough, causing damage to the body.

The fight-or-flight response, also known as the acute stress response, refers to a psychological reaction that occurs in the presence of something that is terrifying, either mentally or physically. The fight-or-flight response was first described in the 1920s by American physiologist Walter Cannon. Cannon realised that a chain of rapidly occurring reactions inside the body help mobilise the body's resources to deal with threatening circumstances.

In response to acute stress, the body's sympathetic nervous system is activated due to the sudden release of hormones. The sympathetic nervous systems stimulates the adrenal glands triggering the release of catecholamines, which include adrenaline and noradrenaline. This results in an increase in heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate. After the threat is gone, it takes between 20 to 60 minutes for the body to return to its pre-arousal levels.

The fight-or-flight response is also known as the acute stress response. Essentially, the response prepares the body to either fight or flee the threat. It is also important to note that the response can be triggered due to both real and imaginary threats.

This is how I live everyday and every moment of my life, for as long as I can remember, I am in a constant state of fight or flight.  I am prone to getting more aggressive when my anxiety spikes.  I have to speak up, to calm my anxiety, I have to correct what is going wrong, I have to fix it and make it better, I have to educate. I have the strength, the knowledge, the wisdom, the empathy, the understanding, the caring, to help out and make things better. I like to come up with plans, I have all these great ideas. I need the ability to communicate, respectfully, without haste or panic, irritability. I need my voice to come from the good parts of me, and not be hindered and swallowed by the panic my body is going through. I need my body to trust my mind, and not overreact.  

 Every moment of my childhood was spent being panicked, that something would happen to upset my mother, I was always on guard to make sure everything went smoothly. I am a child of abuse, and my body is stuck in fight or flight. I don’t even remember the last time I was hungry. I eat because I know I have to, to survive. When my life gets a little stressful, and my body goes into anxiety hard core, just the smell of food makes me nauseous. I have to do breathing exercises to calm my body down, so I can eat. I want to eat without needing to take deep breathes before every bite, just so I can get some food into my body. Luckily, I love liquids, I am always thirsty, I drink a lot of liquid, I can get my vitamins, minerals and proteins from drinks, but food would be nice, I miss food so much, I miss wanting food. I’m sick of living, that it is that time of day for food so I should eat something, I enjoy the taste of food, I just want my body to want and enjoy it as much as my mind does. I’m sick of only feeling hunger pains, and not the want that should come before the pain.  I’m sick of not being able to eat too much when I do eat. That if I try to eat too much, my body throws it up. I just want to be able to eat an appetizer and dinner, but my body has decided that is too much food, and my stomach is not allowed to be that full up. Needs to be in prime position for fight or flight.

   I don’t know what it’s like not to have the muscles on top of my lungs being tense. The degree to which I cannot breathe always increasing and decreasing. Even when I am happy, my body is stressed, even at home all alone in my safe place, I am still tense. When I go to the doctors, when I cannot take my bodys reaction to my stresses anymore, when I cant handle it anymore, when I start to feed the anxiety as I cant handle my stress when I get taken over by this underlying issue. I go them telling them I cant breathe, for days now, I haven’t eaten for days, Im not hungry and food smells so nauseous to me. That my muscles are so tense, its causing muscle pains. That when I do get food into me, my body is so stressed, it cannot calmly process it, and my digestive system hurts, and I get diarrhea.  I eat all the healthy foods to make me happy, and it doesn’t matter, will come out stressed. My stomach will rumble and be in pain. I just want to eat, I just want to breathe. I want my body to calm down. I want my body to listen and trust my mind, to understand stress is normal, and it doesn’t need to overreact like this.

 My mind is in a good place, overall. I have casual existential despair. The depression will always be there, suicidal thoughts. I can tell you though whenever someone asks me if I am suicidal enough, if I think of actually killing myself do, I have a plan, I always tell them, I am not on psychiatric medicine right now, and the only time when it is that serious is what those pills do to me. I can guarantee part of my plan to kill myself, is that I have to be on the pills, as they cut me off from my emotions and everything, and they would give me the strength to harm myself in that way. I have been on and off psych meds all my life. The times when I have gotten past the terrors of the first few weeks of the psych meds, and stayed on them for 3,6,9 months or so. EVERY time I have come off them, as I got to the point where I was going to do, I was going to kill myself, I couldn’t take the feeling nothing at all anymore, as the only thing worse to me, then feeling sad and overwhelmed, is feeling nothing at all, no sadness, but no more happiness either, I feel NOTHING when I am on those drugs, I am in a waking coma, I am zombie, I am not attached to me. But EVERY time, when I stayed on them, when I got to the point where it was time to do it, time to put it all in action, I choose life every time. I choose that it was the drug, and not me making this decision. EVERY time, I stopped taking them cold turkey, and guess what, no withdrawal symptoms. I refused to take another pill as I choose LIFE. I want to make this world a better place, I don’t want people to suffer anymore, I want to help.  Psychiatric meds are some of the most addictive pills out there, if you go past the time you were supposed to take them, your body starts to go through the worst withdrawals ever.  The pain everywhere, uncontrollable shaking, the headache, the stomach ache.  You have to slowly ween yourself off, they strongly do not recommend just going off them.

 I have tried just taking anxiety pills, however those were at times when I was really depressed as well. When the anxiety was gone, there was nothing to panic and worry me about the dark thoughts, and the dark thoughts just took over, I never lasted more than 3 weeks on anxiety pills, most times I only last a few days. The doctors refuse to give me one time use, anti anxiety meds, just so I can breathe for a bit, to put my depression into a better place. The anxiety meds do something to my head and it makes me really sad. I don’t need my head in a better place, I can get that there myself, It is exhausting me having to fight my body every day.  I just want to breathe, I just want to eat, I just want my body to relax.

 The doctors keep trying to treat my mind, when its my body I have lost control of. I feel like my body has betrayed me, that I have no control over it.  I have been doing breathing, and sensory exercise since I was in the single digits. My head is full of self confidence, I believe in myself so much, I don’t care about others opinions of me, that is a reflection of them and their character and not of me. I am a good, caring, intelligent, brave, strong, independent woman. I am an example and role model of this, I am a leader. I need to be able to stand confidently in my body, and not have my body betray me, and be stressed out all the time, I need to calm and relax my body. I need to convince it, that it is ok, and it can calm down now, we are safe now. You don’t need to do this to me anymore.

 I can’t live with my body being stressed like this, it is so exhausting and takes such a toll on my mental health.  When do I get to be me. I want this to end, so yes I entertain dark thoughts, however most are me trying to be me, and this wonderful person I want to be.  Just because everyday I struggle with this, as its there everyday, my will to conquer this is stronger. I just don’t want to live like this my whole life, and wonder when will the pain stop, when will my body finally calm down and let me be.

 I go to the doctors as I cant breathe, when it gets so bad, I can hyperventilate for hours. When it gets to the point when it’s a few days in a row, of 4-8 hours a day, where I am hyperventilating it is stressful. I go about my life, as I hyperventilate, as I don’t let it stop me. Sure when its triggered, it’s a full on anxiety attack, crying cant breathe, usually a rant of some kind coming out of mouth. Then I calm my mind, and I wait for my body to catch up. I go back to what I was doing, and eventually I know I will stop hyperventilating, that my breathe will slow, and go back to that tense breathing standard, instead of the hyper breathing.  I want to not overreact when stressful situations occur, I want to be able to communicate, the well thought out words I have in my head. Sometimes my body panics and it takes my head with it, but I calm myself down, as my head has no tolerance for my own BS.  I don’t talk negatively to myself. Some outside stimulus, whether people,  technology, etc something out of my control, sets me off.  And my body overreacts before I can get the words together that I needed to fix the issue. I need my body to cooperate with me. I need to calm my body down. My mind can only do so much, I have lost control of my body, and I need to gain that control back. I need it to stop being in a constant state of fight or flight.

 I am constantly tired, its exhausting. I love sleep, my body gets to rest for a bit. I don’t like how the psych meds make you drowsy, I want to feel more alive not more tired. The sleep on them is not as restful either. I have so many alarms set already as I don’t like to wake, I sleep through some, turn some off in my sleep, and eventually they start to wake me, I hit snooze for awhile then get up, on the doctors drugs, I turn all the alarms off, or just straight up sleep through them, till they turn themselves off, I am so tired on them, when I am awake, I still feel like sleep always, hence the zombie feeling. I have constant dry mouth, I’m always thirsty, I don’t want a pill that will make it worse. The pills can make you not hungry.

 I want someone to treat my body and not my mind. If my mind could convince my body it is ok, and it can calm down now, I would have already. My anxiety was so bad as a child, at 5 years old, I was diagnosed with ADHD and insomnia, and was put on ADHD meds, and sleeping pills to sleep at night.  At 5 years old I couldn’t explain, that yes it can take me awhile to fall asleep but once I am out I am out, I love sleep, and can sleep 8-12 hours or more. That I don’t generally get tired till between 12-2, and prefer to wake between 9-11 am. When I go to bed between 12-2 and was ready for bed, it will take me 30 min to an hour to fall asleep. If I go to bed, when I am not tired yet, or way too early, I take 2-3 hours to fall asleep.  When I am tired I will go to sleep. The rest of my family put a stop to the ADHD and sleeping meds when I was 6 or 7, and I learned how to hide that I wasn’t sleeping, I also learned how when I realized I was tired, after being in bed for hours, how to get myself to sleep in less than 10 minutes.

 I saw all different therapists from age 5-18, the one I started to see when I was 5, I aged out of, as only dealt with young children, after that I bounced around with therapists. Also in and out of foster homes, so saw all kinds of workers and supports, took all kinds of classes to make me better.  My mother says she had measles as a baby, and it caused brain damage, and that is what is wrong with her, she was in a few psych wards as I was growing up. There is something just not right about her, there are disconnects, she can take things in her own way, and take things very badly. She doesn’t always know what’s truth and what’s made up.  She is the only one to talk to me and explain it. My family can confirm the measles, but I don’t know if the brain damage is a story she has made up in her head, to explain to herself, why she behaves like she does. Please vaccinate, measles can be eradicated, no baby should be in the hospital for measles.

  Never once in my life, did one of my mothers doctors sit me down and talk to me about my mother. No one explained to me what was wrong and how I can help her. I took lots of classes on leadership, I went to therapists to help me deal with how I can handle my mother, and not take her personally, to help me be strong enough to survive her and take care of her.  I have been taught so well, how to build myself up and not let any one tear me down. I believe in myself, and know how amazing I am. I was my mothers primary caregiver, support, friend as a child.  I have cut contact multiple times with my mother over my life, my mother is mean, she is jealous. I always have to worry about her harsh criticism of everything. My mother doesn’t criticize my knowledge she knows I am smart, she is very proud to have raised a smart, independent, strong woman. It was very important to her when I was growing up to have strong female role models, she tried her best, she wants me to succeed in life so badly. She doesn’t like my clothing or hair choices, I don’t exercise enough, sometimes I am fat. I am underweight, the most I have ever weighed in my life is 145lbs, I am 5 foot 6, that is a healthy weight for me. I reached my height at 12 years old, for every part but that one year I put on a bit of weight, I have weighed between 100-125lbs, most of the time I sit between 110-120. I am always trying to put on weight. I am trying to get my body healthy.  

 My mother stopped working when I was 7, and that’s when it went from bad at home to worse. Work gave her migraines. She is still on disability, still has migraines, other physical pains have manifested in her body. When my mother stayed home all day, she stopped cleaning and I took over cleaning the house. When I didn’t clean something well enough, it showed and proved to her, that I didn’t love her. I would have to convince her that I do love her, I just missed that part of cleaning. I was terrified of cleaning poorly, as it would set off my mother, she would cry, and insist that I hate her, that I did it on purpose to hurt her, she would take a missed spot of cleaning personal.  I always helped my mother clean, I remember being three and cleaning the bathroom, that was the room my mother hated cleaning the most, and one of the first responsibilities I had around the house.  If I missed a hair while cleaning the bathroom, I was grounded. As I wasn’t cleaning properly, I didn’t care about cleaning I didn’t care about her, I was a liar.

 I lived through so much stress,  I just want my body to understand it is ok, we are free, we are safe, it can relax, it can calm down. My body doesn’t know how to live another way, I don’t know how to teach it how to calm down, how to trust me, that I have it, and if not, its ok, as bad things happen, and its fine we always get over it. Pretty quickly actually, we are good at that. My body doesn’t understand, it doesn’t know how to live without being under constant stress, this is how my body is now always.

 I just want to breathe, I just want to eat, I just want to relax, and have control over my body.

  Please Help me

And not another psychiatric drug, not another therapist. My issues in my head are dealt with and handled, I need help with my body, not my mind.

[booksontheshelf]

                                         Scallywag Reading 2017

I‘m surprised that a book was opened at all this year. So much of my time is reading online, so it seems a triumph of sorts that I am still managing to read books at all. It is not possible to do justice for all books mentioned here individually.  They all add up to the string of pearls that sustains me in some sort of equilibrium and continues to provide threads to places that only a particular book can reveal, at the particular time you are reading.  

Some of the books here were chanced on in bookshops. You never regret time spent in bookshops. There didn’t seem enough time this year though to enjoy this gentle past time. Which is probably a good thing for me, as I truly have enough books at home to read already. My daughter tries to stop me adding to my collection all the time. Can you imagine taking off one day, just to visit all the bookshops in the world? 

One day this winter, heading down Bourke St after a meeting, I stepped into The Paperback Bookshop. There I chanced on a book of poetry  by anthony lawrence called headwaters.

It has the lines

‘Her dreams have night vision, and in her sight Our bodies leave a ghostprint where we’ve laid. My darling turns to poetry at night Between abstract expression and first light.’

I’ve just finished You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me - A MEMOIR by Sherman Alexie. Hard not to proclaim this book loudly enough. Strangely the book’s poetic, diaristic chapters look superficially like the incredible work of American fiction I read this year called Lincoln in the Bardo. Perhaps the Trump-dark atmosphere of 2017 made George Saunder’s romp with the ghost of Lincoln’s past presidential time and place so strangely alluring. (The book was purchased with intelligent guidance from Readings’ Acland St staff.)

The year began with the death of one of my favourite artists/writerJohn Berger. I remember we thought 2016 was bad for the death of larger than life artists. John Berger was such a great humanist. But I love that I can still read him and hear his fabulous voice in my head. I did order his last work of essays Confabulations and made a concerted effort to gather all the books I had by him in one place. They are now housed in my studio. Vale John Berger. I return to you all the time. Thinking of artists, I loved reading the The Surreal Life of Leonora Carrington by Joanna Moorhead.

You might gather by the next titles we have Alzheimer’s in the family - my Dad has had the disease (as far as we know) the last 10 years. Books that have helped me try to understand what is happening for him and helping me deal with it this year have been: Learning to Speak Alzheimer’s- A Groundbreaking Approach for Everyone Dealing with the Disease by Joanne Koenig Coste.   The Forgetting Alzheimer’s: Portrait of an Epidemic by David Shenk.   Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. And In Pursuit of Memory- The Fight Against Alzheimers by Joseph Jebelli I am rereading Missing Out by Adam Phillips with newly minted insights from thinking about memory and who we are without it.

I thoroughly enjoyed Geoff Dwyer’s book on Tarkovsky’s film Stalker called Zona. I need to see Stalker again but as Geoff Dwyer says- it has to be cinematic not at home! The ignition of crazy nuclear war thinking by America’s President Trump, who thinks he’s eviscerating ‘Rocket Man’ with a tweet, sets a dé ja vu tone  reading about the haunted nuclear-strange Beckettian terrain of the film Stalker.

I love a good graphic novel and I have thoroughly enjoyed two by Riad Sattouf - THE ARAB OF THE FUTURE A Childhood in the Middle East 1) 178-1984 and 2) 1984-1985. I also enjoyed the short graphic novel by Jason Lutes called Jar of fools. One for the young at heart to the very young is by my friend Trace Balla- who wrote the book RiverTime. This year I read her book Rockhopping, taking me all the way to the source of the Glenelg River in Gariwerd (the Grampians).

Feeding into my marine thinking for projects, I am still working my way through The Sounding of the Whale Science and Cetaceans in the 20th Century by D.Graham Burnett. I am also in the midst of The Reef A Passionate history by Iain McCalman. Hoping that Pelican1 will be on her way North to the Reef next year too. As we have worked on the Cape a lot in the last 15 years, I have also been reading the story of the explorer Edmund Kennedy in a book I found second-hand (Daylesford) called Kennedy of Cape York- Edmund Beale. Trying to get some insight into the newly colonial world and the exploration of the Eastern Cape (before the impact of the gold rush). The book tells the story from a very colonial perspective. Larissa Beherendt’s book FINDING ELIZA Power and Colonial Storytelling was a good follow on read. 

I then found myself rereading gularabulu - Stories from the West Kimberley by Paddy Roe edited by Stephen Muecke.

'This is all public, You know (it) is for everybody: Children, women, everybody. See, this is the thing they used to tell us: Story, and we know.

Paddy Roe

Back to the science books, I learnt a lot from Where The River Flows, Scientific Reflections on Earth’s Waterways by Sean W.Fleming. Had me looking at graphs of sine waves (there was a reason to learn about them in maths after all!), thinking about ‘Digital Rainbows’ and diving deeper into scientific connections between rivers, land and ocean and understanding that the physics of rivers and the quantum leap in understanding being made about their dynamics is one of the many tools that will be needed to help care for this crowded planet. The Ocean Of Life-The Fate of Man and the Sea by Callum Roberts was another regular dip in as I gather ideas to try to incorporate plans for sea projects and understand our oceans more deeply (haha). A new writer  for me this year was Yi-Fu Tuan with his book ROMANTIC GEOGRAPHY in search of the sublime landscape- A geographer’s meditation on place and human emotions. I found two new wonderful reference books, the first second hand from South Melbourne Market -The Seabirds of AUSTRALIA by Terence R. Lindsey. And SEAHORSES- A Life-Sized Guide to Every Species by Sara Lourie.

Looking at the politics and economics of our times I managed to read The Secret World of Oil by Ken Silverstein- an enlightening exposé of the behind the scenes snake-oil salesmen. The old rule of following the money results in a thorough investigation of oil’s all too human underbelly. I am still reading Kate Raworth’s book Doughnut Economics. 7 Ways to Think like a 21st Century Economist. A complete creative overhaul of economics, pulling it out of our old ways of understanding the world to make ideas for a better future world possible. Highly recommend.

It’s been another tough year for journalists and the book of writings by Anna Politikovskaya Is Journalism Worth Dying For? reported from Russian frontline and includes the piece that she was working on at the time of her murder. ‘What am I guilty of? I have merely reported what I witnessed, nothing but the truth.’ It was a journalist who wrote a difficult and intense book about the 2011 tsunami in Japan that I’ve just finished. GHOSTS of the TSUNAMI by Richard Lloyd Parry. I have not stopped thinking about that wave and our visit to Japan’s Irate prefecture 3 years post the event left an indelible memory and deep affection for all the people we met still picking up and recovering after the trauma and destruction from that most unsea-like wave.

Back to Oz I loved reading Sophie Cunningham’s book Warning: The Story of Cyclone Tracy. I was very fortunate to take part in one of Sophie’s walks, following the footsteps of William Buckley from Sorrento to Dromana. Though footsore, it was a terrific way to connect with the Bay, while thinking of this man’s path and how different, perhaps, Australia could have been if his attitude to the First People of this Country was shared across the country. I reread much of the fictionalised account again by Craig Robertson (Buckley’s Hope -The Real Story of Australia’s Robinson Crusoe) to get me in the frame of mind for the 20k meditative walk. It was on a recommendation that Sophie shared on Facebook that I now have Phillip Pullman’s latest book The Book of Dust by my bed.

The year has been a terrible one for our ongoing torture of refugees who are STILL languishing in our offshore prisons. I heard that New Zealand had offered to take ALL the men on Manus and that offer has been refused by Dutton and MT. I went to the launch of a book that was trying to navigate the extremely polarised political territory around asylum seekers and I highly recommend it. Bridging Troubled Waters Australia and Asylum Seekers by Tony Ward. During the year I went to a wonderful event organised by Behind the Wire (http://behindthewire.org.au) and came away with their incredible book of first-person narratives called They Cannot Take The Sky- Stories from detention. I reckon our pollies should be sat in a room and this is read aloud to them.

A book that has been a good one to read this year was Hope in the Dark Untold Histories, Wild Possibilities by Rebecca Solnit which I read with the new foreword and afterword.

From the gifts of Christmas I have a pile that includes John Clarke- A pleasure to be here. A very sad loss to the Australian landscape, he will be missed for a very long time. The Man who Climbs by James Aldred and looking forward to A.S. Patrić’s new book Atlantic Black. Also on the pile is Robert Mafarlane’s The Old Ways- A Journey on Foot.

And looking back out to sea with a beautiful book I have just started. The Seabird’s Cry - The Lives and Loves of Puffins, Gannets and Other Ocean Voyagers by Adam Nicolson.

Might have to do a separate post on the poetry that is always by my bedside but all I can say is as I get older, reading poetry becomes more and more pleasurable.

If you have got this far in my rambling through my ambling reading, I want to wish you a very Happy New Year, illuminated by many, many fine reading adventures….