#also I am much more at peace about taking this gap year now so that's a blessing

[flickeringflame216]

blessings roll call!

[seraphmaws]

(feel free to help with flag id, I don’t feel well enough to make them rn)

Neoidyn

A alternative term for Xenoidenity, Neoidyn is the same concept of xenogender, but rather than something relating to your gender, it applies to your identity. It can apply to your whole identity or only parts of it (which can include gender). Neoidyn can be used along side of xenos and is NOT anti-xenogender. Any gender can double as a Neoidyn (Examples, Catgender can be Catneoid, Boything can be used as a Neoidyn, and so forth). Neoidyn can be used by anyone and can be altered to fit one’s experience.

This is not a replacement for xenogenders, but rather a counterpart. More information under cut

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Here it is!! Ive had a fascination with xenogenders for years now and i’ve connected with many of them. However, i never could connect to them on a gender level, but rather on an identity level. The term xenoidenity seemed like the perfect term for me, though unfortunately, everything i’ve read about it claims it is meant to be inherently anti-xenogender. I never felt comfortable going ahead with using the term as i am pro-xenogender and firmly believe that one should identify as whatever makes them comfortable with themselves (as long as it’s not harmful *coughcough*radqueers*coughcough*). But there was a lot of confusion with the term as i saw a lot of back and forth between pro-xeno people reclaiming the term and anti-xeno people trying to maintain its anti-xeno intention. I’ve had enough and decided to coin this so i have some peace of mind and no longer worry about using a term that is against what i’m am firmly for.

(Edit: So uhhhh, when I started making this I had no idea xeniden already existed. But this one is meant to be an add on to existing terms while xeniden looks like you have to coin a separate term. There are also not many xenidens from what I’ve seen. I’m coining this for my own personal comfort, I hope this isn’t too much of a recoin)

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How It’s Used

Neoidyn is essentially meant to be compatible with all genders. That meaning any gender can be a Neoidyn. For example, you can take Catgender, change “gender” to “neoid” and boom, you’ve got Catneoid. For terms that don’t have gender in its name (Ex: Boything), you can leave it as is. Neoidyn is meant to be very open ended so it can fit any experience. Catneoid can mean:

- Identifying as a cat

- Identifying with cats

- Having a strong connection to cats

- Behaving like a cat

- Being cat kin/linked/hearted or a cat alterhuman

- Being catgender

- And anything having to due with cats that can be tied to identity

- As well as any of these examples combined

There is absolutely no wrong way to use Neoidyn. It’s essentially an add on to xeno/neogenders. Since Neoidyns are intended to use existing genders/terms as a base, there is no need to coin your own or make your own flags. You may, however, coin subterms for Neoidyn

This is not necessary, but if you’d like to indicate you use a xeno as a Neoidyn you can apply two dark bars in the corners of the flag like so:

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End note: I am NOT a mogai/liom blog, I’m just a silly lil editor and stimboard maker who wanted to fill a gap within his identity 😭 This is a one off thing and I won’t be coining anything else after this, my silly edits and stims will resume shortly. This also gave me extremely anxiety posting this and I don’t wanna go through that again lmao. I don’t wanna be too involved with this, I just wanna hand this to yall, let yall go wild with it, and be done. Like I said, I made this for my own personal comfort and at least if I have this out there other people may connect with this and I can have an easier time explaining my identity. Credit is absolutely not required, just go crazy

[seaglassmelody]

I’m trying to turn my frustration with bad Veilguard takes into positivity. But man is it hard when I just wanna argue. But here’s an attempt.

Today I’m thinking about the romances and how they’re executed.

(Under the cut because this got way longer than I intended)

I’m going to couch this in the context of the fact that I am currently replaying the entire series. I just started Inquisition this weekend after playing DAO and DA2.

I cannot comment on the DAI romances because I’m still in Haven, but in my opinion the DAO and DA2 romances are incredibly heavy-handed. They often boil down to “I have trauma-dumped on you and you do not find me violently repulsive so I will shove my tongue down your throat now”.

ESPECIALLY Anders and Fenris. Zevran doesn’t even wait to trauma dump on you, though I understand the difference between having sex with him initially and building up the romance (after he’s trauma-dumped on you).

I’m not COMPLAINING about this fact- the games are shorter, older, and iterating on the roleplaying systems that get us to Veilguard. But you can see the age that these games have, and the change in cultural attitudes (honestly, the amount of “but I’m a man??” In the m/m romance with Zevran…)

Versus in Veilguard, I love that a lot of the “flirt” options come out as subtle, personal statements that aren’t coming on too strong and express a deeper interest in the person as an individual. It makes things build slower and more purposefully.

But I also love that there’s a range! Lace’s flirting is sweet and a little awkward. Davrin’s is more obvious but still more natural than Hawke and Fenris’s flat-out “you’re very hot” conversations. Lucanis’s flirting is very much rooted in showing him that you aren’t scared OF him but FOR him, which is important to him!

And the biggest thing- romance or not, I love that a lot of the companion quests are just “hey go to this place and hang out with me.” Rook actually gets to build friendships, see characters outside of crisis situations, and have some moments of peace in between saving the world. That breathing room between plot points is very valuable to me- it’s fertile ground for fanfic and character building! And you don’t have to find a way to cram it in between crises because the game shows you it exists.

I guess for some people this approach doesn’t work (I can’t really imagine why not, but maybe that’s the aroace talking) but for me it’s incredible. The team is a TEAM and the romances feel like actual adults navigating relationships.

For a more contentious point, I really cannot get on board with the idea that the romances are “lacking” compared to the older games. DAO is basically throwing gifts at companions, a romance confirming conversation, minimum one sex scene, and then some endgame dialogue. Even then, by the time I got to Zevran’s “uhoh I guess I love you” convo I did feel like it was earned. But you don’t get a lot of individual romance time and you REALLY gotta dig into those dialogue trees to get places. It’s not very natural-feeling.

Now DA2? It HAS to be nostalgia goggles. I LOVED Fenris’s romance when I first played the game (Fenris was the reason I started playing DA at all) and replaying it was honestly a letdown?? He’s so angry through the entire game It’s very difficult to make sense of why he would love Hawke so much if they’re a mage supporter. The scene where he leaves after they sleep together in Act 2 was sad, but it was impossible to react in the way I wanted (which was understanding sympathy, of course a personal relationship is overwhelming when you’re suddenly getting over amnesia!). Getting back together immediately after killing Danarius feels rushed.

At this point I’m just rambling but I can’t help but feel that people are using 10-15 years of fanfic and daydreams to fill in gaps for the older games and when they’ve only sat with 1 playthrough of Veilguard for 2 months and spent most of that time angry about it, I can’t help but feel they’re missing the beauty of the execution of natural-feeling adult relationships.

[ofmermaidstories]

Hey Mermaid 🩷💜

It's me Lady, it's been a while. ;) I hope you're doing amazing! Having beautiful days and peaceful evenings, sleeping well, and staying hydrated💌💟

I hope you don't mind if this message feels too personal, and if it bothers you, please do ignore it.

I don't know if you've seen anything about the final chapter yet. And I, of course, do not want to spoil.

And I do sincerely hope you see the official chapter before this, so that my words makes sense. I guess I just want to say I'm feeling very overwhelmed about MHA ending, it's the most precious show to me . And especially Izuku's conclusion and how Horikoshi went about it. Again, I won't spoil of course but I guess I'm a bit disappointed.

I don't know, but something in me wanted your opinion and thoughts on the ending and Izuku's story's conclusion. Since, through reading your In another Life series fanfictions, I felt more connected to my favs (Izuku and Katsuki). Your writing gave me a new way of looking at their dynamic, story, and what a future for them entails with everything that they are and aren't.

I was actually avoiding the leaks because I wanted to at least read the official chapter when it's out since it is the last. So that I can honor it on a way. But one thing led to another by a simple scroll through tiktok.

Anyways, when I saw the panels I guess I thought "I would like to write him a hundred other happy endings". I say "other" because he's clearly happy in the conclusion, even with everything that happened (OFA and Tenko's conclusion mostly). But still, the thought came up.

And then I actually remembered your drabble of Izuku and his child, the "he will be your husband's biggest heartache" one, and I don't know, I guess I really wanted to ask you.

Thank you for staying with me. I hope you have a day filled with happy wishes. 🎀💌

Hi Mermaid 💌

It's me Lady, I half-hope you see this ask before my other previous one that I sent. This one might be long too, so sorry in advance. And thank you for taking the time♥️.

It has been plaguing my mind. I was really emotional about the ending and had alot to get off my chest, I ended up writing all that to you. I feel so embarrassed, and I could have worded it better.

I really just want to clear out a few things 😅. If you don't mind. I am not the kind of fan to put dirt on the author her/himself no matter how unsatisfied I am with a part of their story. I hope I didn't imply that in my previous ask about the ending and Izuku's conclusion (I barely remember much of what I said 😭)

Secondly, while 8 years is a huge gap, getting to see pro-hero class A was so surreal, in a "proud parent" way 🥹. I think I implied I wanted ur thoughts on the could-be-considered unsatisfactory parts of the ending. But I actually meant as a whole. Eri grown up also had me so proud and happy! She deserves to live a normal teenager girl life 🩷.

Bonus points pro hero Bakugou looking gorgeous as always 🤭. Kind of fills the picture for me now whenever | read pro-hero au fanfiction.

And the way he paid the most out of the class A alumni for Izuku to have a hero suit so that he could he a hero, and they could compete with one another again is so sweet.

But again, to make my point clear. I would love to hear your thoughts personally on everything that the ending, please.

I hope you have a wonderful day 🎀💟

Lady! Lilium. Lady Lilium. 🥹 Hi!!! Please don’t feel embarrassed!!! 🥺 Your asks actually let me feel relieved, lmao, because it meant I wasn’t alone in the… idk! topsy turvy feelies that the leaks had caused. 🥹 If there’s one thing I won’t miss it’s the entitlement that causes leaks to breach containment and ruin everyone else’s day. 💀 But!! Lili, how are you feeling on the other side of the official release??? For me personally it was like… a sense of relief, lmfao, like no matter my nitpicks about things (I do think the epilogue in general was rushed, and i’m kinda like 💀💀💀 over class a’s decision not to tell their friend about their goal to fund his iron man suit, lmao. there’s surprises and then there’s making life-altering decisions for someone LOL) i think the ending is sweet. 🥹 The last page does a lot of heavy lifting, emotionally, for me, and i’m wondering if it’s the same for you and others?

An account I follow on twitter said something about how as a reader they weren’t really happy with the ending, but they could see why fic writers would be, because everything’s so open-ended and it kinda startled me, because of how immediately i agreed? LOL. like, i like the ending for the same reason i’ve liked the series: it is open-ended, there’s enough world building that you can build on top of it, as a fic writer, and work with the lore Hori like, hints throughout it. But as a reader I could see how someone could be unsatisfied. We rush through the group’s remaining years at UA. The Billboard rankings are still a thing, despite Hawk’s grand speech in making an effort to include non-traditional heroes. Hero commercialism is still running rampant and if anything, the pro hero world sounds like it’s gotten more enclosed and harder to be apart of? Whichhhh I guess you could argue it should’ve always been that way—they are extreme first defenders in a lot of respects so sure, you need the best of the best—but idk. I keep thinking about the league, lmao, and all that change they carried on about wanting—and what they got was most of them killed in action and also no change LMAOO. No, wait, Shoji ends mutant racism and Ochako compels more Quirk counselling 🥹 (I’m not mad at that, I think it’s touching they both end up spearheading movement/efforts for ending discrimination/encourage understanding, it’s just… those are a big fights, you know? Big undertakings 🥺).

Idk idk idk. I’m trying to think of something that I, as a reader and not a fanfic writer, am unsatisfied with and I guess… I’m not unsatisfied with the ending moreso than I am with my biggest and most constant complaint: that Hori’s a coward who’s cowardice undermines his emotional beats LMAOOO. I think he’s a coward for letting Edgeshot live. I think he’s a coward for not confirming a ship—like, any of them. He’s a coward for not daring to imagine significant change in the pro hero system. But even with those criticisms, I still enjoy the series, and love it for what it is. 🥺

My original reaction to the final chapter leaks, tbh, was like—to get the ick LMFAOOOOOO. i was like, what is this. what have u DONE TO MY BOYYY. idk it gave me the ick for both deku and bakugou and i can’t really explain why??? now that we have the official chapter out, i think it was definitely a deadly combo of like—fandom making up their own minds about things and running it into the ground within the space of hours. 💀 that’s on me, i should’ve gone underground, i knew this fandom would skirt close to ruining the entire series for me like the clowns in the clown car they are. but this is why i was so relieved to get your asks, Lili!!! 🥺 Because it was like, omg, it’s not just me, like, we’re processing what we know about it together. 🥺 eight years!!!! i feel the same—like a proud parent. 🥹 The montage panels showing us the bits and pieces of everyone—Eri deserves to live her best high school musician life!!! 😭 But all of them, all of them made me emotional in some way. Aizawa and Mic visiting Oboro’s grave. 🥺 mirko with her insane prosthetics. 💀 love her. Endeavour losing his family, but being surrounded by the heroes from his agency. 🥺 Izuku seeing Shigaraki, at the end. So much of it was bittersweet, or satisfying to see in action. The kids competing in the sports festival!! Bakugou being cheerled as he rehabs his arm!!! Izuku, smiling, as he holds the last embers of OFA. That part actually devastates me lmfao. I love that MHA like—shows that anyone can be a hero, that the thing that makes one is the compulsion to help others first, and that now there’s like, accessibility, but… idk. I wanted him and OFA to stay together forever. 🥹 But maybe this is for the best… now the past users really are at rest, and Izuku can be a hero on his own strength.

I love that Class A worked together to fund the suit. I know the “Bakugou paid more” thing was popular, in the wake of the leaks, and I could see him funnelling more into it but one of the things I hated the most with the leaks/that gave me the biggest ick (lmao) was how everyone was turning it into a shipping thing, and not an incredible statement on just how much Class A love each other, and love Deku. 🥺 All Might mentions in his fight with AFO, with his own hero suit, that it took his life’s savings—so for them to be able to fund Izuku’s with only, what, six years of pro hero salary? That’s an incredible group effort. And they did it because they love him!!!! 😭 Because he worked hard and deserved it and they all knew it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because the golden generation doesn’t leave anyone behind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love them, i’m obsessed with their pro hero designs, concerned about the potential rat tails bakugou has tho and i don’t want to talk about the facial hair that sero and mineta have, lmfao. Shinsou, however, can absolutely get it. 😎

idkkkkkkk lili—what do you think, now? Overall i’m still emotional about it, lmao. i think the endgame had weak spots and that hori has strengths and weaknesses (like we all do) as a storyteller—but that he delivered. 🥹 i think ultimately he did what he promised us he’d do: told us the story of how they became the greatest heroes.

[witlessficcer]

Drabble Before Bed - One Piece

Note: This fic is for my mutual, @kurosakiichigoat. I am new to the One Piece fandom, having only watched the Netflix live action series. Ichigo sent me a link to read the manga, which I moving through slowly. I hope this is received well by Ichigo and the One Piece fandom at large.

Fanart taken from reddit posted by ScarletCatnip

Out of Nowhere by witlessficcer

When Nami emerged from below decks, she was surprised to see that Luffy was not at his usual perch above the ram's figurehead on the ship's bow. Looking down the stern, she saw the captain standing at the taffrail. His straw hat was pulled low over his brow, and his arms appeared tightly folded. If she didn't know better, he looked asleep standing up. Though she could not see his face, she could sense he was at peace, a peace he had recently given her by saving her village in defeating the Fishmen.

Nami had thanked him then, but it was a raw thanks; one still hardened by years of servitude to Arlong. She owed him a proper thanks. No. She wanted to let him know the depth of her gratitude. But how? It wasn't easy having feelings. She wasn't sure she welcomed them. But for his sake and her own, she stepped lightly across the main deck.

Like the thief she had become, the navigator made not a sound. Not a creak on the deck. Not a breath that could be heard. Why was she sneaking? What purpose did it serve? Other than to surprise him. A thought that made her suddenly giddy. Nami was not giddy. None the less, the butterflies in her stomach and the thought of personally creating that smile of his, overwhelmed her. That broad, joyful, loving smile.

She was right behind him. Luffy was stock still. What could he be thinking about? His next word stunned her.

"Nami."

It wasn't a question. He couldn't know she was there. She was that good. But so was he. Was he thinking about her? Like, seriously thinking about her. Could he be fantasizing about her? Did Luffy fantasize?

Nami had the overwhelming urge to snake her arm between his and his waist; to hug him from behind. Was it too intimate? Would he freak? Did Luffy freak out? Ever?

The urge didn't make sense. Had she ever thought of Luffy more than means to an end? A patsy. Of course that was over now. He was so much more than that. He had told she was so much more as well. So much more than a slave to a liar. She had hugged him once. Once. But had she really ever touched him. Had they even brushed shoulders much less shook hands. They had to have, hadn't they?

She reached out, almost as if it was another person, not herself. He hand slid into the gap and and she leaned forward, pressing her lips to his shoulder, her breasts to his back as her hand gently landed on his hip.

Luffy gave a small start and turned his head before pivoting to face her.

"Nami?" he asked, quietly. His voice has none of the bombast. No call of East Blue. But also no certainty. No assuredness. "What are you doing?"

The question woke the ginger from her reverie and she stepped back, watching his wide, but soft eyes take her in. Was she losing her mind?

"I-I don't...know," Nami stammered, suddenly searching the deck for critters.

"Are you sure?" he said, that smile, that devastating smile, breaking across his face.

He knees felt weak. Stay. On. Your. Feet. she told herself What in the hells was happening to her.

"I...I wanted to thank you," Nami whispered. "For saving the village."

"You did that already," Luffy replied, magnanimously. "No need to do it again. That would be like-"

There it was. His blessed assurance. His grace, if she wanted to call it that.

"Repetitive, I know."

He smiled again. Damn her knees. This had never been a problem when she was keeping secrets. Now that she was free, her body and mid were betraying her.

"Did you just kiss my shoulder and try to give me a back hug?" the captain said matter of fact, tipping his straw hat back on his head.

Why did he always have to be so direct? You are impossible, Luffy!

"You are impossible, Luffy!" she blurted in exasperated.

He blinked, tilting his head to side with a smirk. "Impossible? I like the sound of that. Tell me more."

"What?" she replied, stupified, her mouth hanging open. "Did I say that out loud?"

"You did!" hew said, eyes ablaze in anticipation. How am I impossible?"

The navigator closed her eyes and took a took a deep breath. "So many ways, You clown."

"Hey, don't calm me a clown!" he replied, with faux anger. "I might take a fence."

"Where would you take it? We're at sea."

He pointed at her, nodding his head in a approval.

"I want to take it the stern and set it up so no once can see us."

Nami perked up at that. She knitted her brow and put her hands on her hips. "See us what?"

"Hugging, of course!" he declared..

"What if I don't want to hug you anymore?" she protested. (Too much)

"I think you do," Luffy replied, meeting her gaze. You made it kind of obvious."

" I guess I did," Nami replied. "I'm still trying to make sense of it. If there is going to be any more hugging, we should probably keep it quiet. The crew doesn't need to know."

"Don't worry about them," he replied with a wink. "They are sworn to secrecy!"

"What do you mean?" she asked in wonder.

"I can't. It's a secret."

"What's a secret?" she pressed.

"That they had this figured all they back at the Baratie."

"Those...Those Finks!" Nami fumed. "I'll show them a thing or two about secrecy!"

"Navigator!" he said, firmly. "I think you and I should hash out or secrets first. Then, you can destroy them. I promise."

"Promise?" she confirmed, placing her hand on his shoulders and staring into his eyes.

"Promise," Luffy replied, taking the straw had from his head and placing it atop her orange locks.

[checkoutmybookshelf]

Rereading The Fellowship of the Ring for the First Time in Fifteen Years

Holy Foreshadowing, Batman! Gandalf is SUPER psyched to get his ass under a mountain, but literally Gimli and Aragorn are like, "Nah, bro, we are worried about YOU SPECIFICALLY if we do that." And this is after Mom and Dad fought about going up Caradhras and after literally everyone is like, "We are getting super bad vibes from Moria."

But they can't go over the mountains, they can't go around the mountains, and the Gap of Rohan is too close to Isengard, so fuck it, we ball in Moria, I guess. Let's talk chapter 4, "A Journey in the Dark."

Ok, so this is a relatively long chapter (30-odd pages by my math), but wow is it mostly vibes. We start off very defeated by the anti-wizard-and-elf mountain, which makes sense because if you lose the ring bearer to exposure in the first month of travel, you're going down in history as the dingus who lost the last great conflict with Sauron. Again, Boromir is DEEPLY underappreciated as the reason our hobbits survived Caradhras.

After a few pages of back-and-forthing about where to go next, Gandalf is over here pushing Moria HARD, and literally everyone is like, "This does not pass the vibe check, wizard boy." Although Gimli is like, "I could find out what happened to Balin" and Aragorn literally says THIS:

"You followed my lead almost to disaster in the snow and have said no word of blame. I will follow your lead now..."

Because apparently Fellowship leadership operates on phlebotomist rules. If you miss the vein, you let someone else take a shot.

Ultimately, the decision is made because there are goddamn WARGS after the group, and even Boromir accedes that wolves literally on your tail are worse than hypothetical wolves up the road, so we stop arguing about it and hunker down. This gives us time to have a nice little moment with Sam and Pippin though. Poor Pippin is over here like, "I wish I had taken Elrond's advice [...], I am no good after all. [...] I don't remember ever feeling so wretched, " but Sam is coming in clutch with "Honestly same, but Gandalf isn't going to let us get eaten by wolves." Which like...yeah, I accept that, and it's way more comforting than a generic "there, there." I also appreciate that Sam admits he's scared too. It's like how hearing, "Oh god, I haven't started that either" is so comforting for stressed-out students.

What neither I nor the fellowship love though, is the wolves literally sniffing around their campfire that night. There are literally glowing eyes in the dark, howls on the wind, and a goddamn warg silhouette in the gap between stones. And an arrow through the throat of one warg buys the group some measure of peace until the moon sets. Once the moon sets though, we get a pre-dawn warg attack:

In the leaping light as the fresh wood blazed up, Frodo saw many grey shapes spring over the ring of stones. More and more followed. Through the throat of one huge leader Aragorn passed his sword with a thrust; with a great sweep Boromir hewed the head off another. Gimli stood with his stout legs apart, wielding his dwarf-axe. The bow of Legolas was singing.

The battle scenes in these books read SUPER Beowulf, but are somehow briefer. Tolkien was super not here for contemporary battle scene writing; it's very much painting with watercolors. He gives you the odd detail or two and you pretty much get to fill in the rest yourself. Which is fine, and holy cow can I see where that would inspire Robert Jordan's manner of naming sword forms rather than describing an actual duel (which is not shade, I think Jordan does that really damn well and to excellent effect). But then we get Gandalf doing wizardy things in a really...unusual way?

In the wavering firelight Gandalf seemed suddenly to grow: he rose up, a great menacing shape like the monument of some ancient king of stone set upon a hill. Stooping like a cloud, he lifted a burning branch and strode to meet the wolves. They gave back before him. High in the air he tossed the burning brand, It flared with a sudden white radiance like lightning; and his voice rolled like thunder.

This hearkens back both to "Gandalf the fireworks wizard" who we meet in the Shire, but also to the little moment in Bag End where Gandalf goes wizard on Bilbo to snap him out of his Ring moment. It also is not like...wildly dissimilar to how they teach you to scare bears off in the wild: Get big and loud and look intimidating. We were not supposed to then set a goddamn forest fire--that's a little scorched earth for Alaskan survival techniques--but it was one of those moments where the familiar was made pointedly exotic, and I actually thought it was quiet effective. You take the foundation of something real and then you add a bit of wizard to it. Then things feel sufficiently grounded, but also with just that extra bit of wizard to heighten EVERYTHING. The subtlety (and yeah, I know, forest fire and lightning isn't subtle, but the way this is written is and how it functions is) is really quite impressive. That said...Gandalf, honey. Maybe not with the ecological disasters???

At the very least, the wargs were polite enough to evaporate so they didn't have to deal with any of the bodies when the sun came up.

After that, we haul ass off to the Doors of Durin. It's not a good journey though. Right from the start, the Sirannon wasn't where it was supposed to be, the landscape is lifeless and desolate, and when we do finally find the stream, it's a freaking trickle. If the IDEA of Moria didn't pass the vibe check, then the landscape on the trip in is a parade of red flags. And again, Boromir is SUPER ON POINT with not wanting to get caught between a stone wall and a bunch of wolves. This place is all quiet unease and red flags. Even the freaking WATER is gloomy and unwholesome-looking.

And then we get a WEIRD FLEX moment for Gandalf:

"I am sorry," said Gandalf. "Poor Bill has been a useful companion, and it goes to my heart to turn him adrift now. I would have travelled lighter and brought no animal, least of all this one that Sam is fond of, if I had had my way. I feared all along that we should be obliged to take this road."

Like, I believe he's genuinely sorry to have to hurt Sam and to turn the goodest pony loose. But it's the "if I had had my way" and the last sentence where I'm just like...Gandalf. Sir. Why are you bitching to Frodo that you have to share leadership on this mission? And why are you flexing an "I told you so" on Frodo instead of, IDK, Aragorn??? Is it because Aragorn would kick your wizened wizard ass for it? Because I'd watch that.

Also, again with Gandalf being weirdly open with, aware of, and as solicitous as possible to Sam. He has zero problems kicking Pippin when he's down (as we'll see in a bit in this very goddamn chapter), but he's always been very straight yet compassionate with Sam in a way that doesn't even match how this wizard treats Frodo. Like, we are almost getting to a point where I need to go see what the Tolkien scholars have written about the Sam-Gandalf relationship, because it's getting NOTICEABLY unique and it has gotten a fair number of little moments at this point. Like...what is this relationship and why is this the dynamic? I demand to know.

I also just want to take a second to highlight something DEEPLY inequitable as they round the lake to the door:

When they came to the northernmost corner of the lake they found a narrow creek that barred their way. It was green and stagnant, thrust out like a slimy arm toward the enclosing hills. Gimli strode forward undeterred, and found that the water was shallow, no more than ankle-deep at the edge. Behind him they walked in fie, threading their way with care, for under the weedy pools were sliding and greasy stones, and footing was treacherous. Frodo shuddered with disgust at the touch of the dark unclean water on his feet.

THE HOBBITS DONT WEAR SHOES. Everyone else has boots to act as something of a barrier to this gross-ass water, but the hobbits have to tromp through it BAREFOOT. Did NOBODY think, "oh shit, this will be super unpleasant for the hobbits, maybe we should yeet or carry them?" Apparently not, and honestly now they're just gonna have gross feet as they tromp through Moria and I hate that for their poor hobbit toesies. And as a WWI soldier, TOLKIEN SHOULD KNOW THE DANGERS OF WET, MUCKETY FEET.

But then we actually get to the doors--finally--and Sam has a deeply understandable moment when Gandalf tells him they have to cut Bill loose, and Gimli and Legolas try to start world war 2.5 over Elf-Dwarf relations before Gandalf tells them to knock that shit off.

Everyone is super over everything at this point, and I cannot blame them.

But where Gandalf has zero time for Legolas and Gimli sniping at each other, he takes the time to speak over Bill and give him his best shot at getting home safely. Again, I do not get the relationship between Gandalf and Sam. I appreciate the care for the pony, but whatever the Gandalf-Sam thing is, it's more than just trolling Pippin or ensuring that Frodo makes it to the volcano or ignoring Merry's existence for the most part.

Literally, Pippin gets a "Knock on the door with your head" from Gandalf, and once the damn thing IS open, Merry just gets a casual, "Merry, of all people, was on the right track" before Gandalf pulls ANOTHER weird flex and says "Too simple for a learned lore-master in these suspicious days." Like...ok, sure, Gandalf. You were TOO SMART to get the riddle.

But we get the doors open just in time for Frodo to get nabbed by a metric frick-ton of tentacles. Sam yoinks him back and they haul ass through the door, which get slammed behind them and the tentacle monster bolts it behind them with boulders and trees. After which we get THIS little gem from Gandalf:

"I fear from the sounds that boulders have been piled up and trees uprooted and thrown across the gate. I am sorry; for the trees were beautiful, and had stood so long."

SIR. I was THERE when you burned a flaming doughnut into the land to get rid of the wargs. You are a walking ecological disaster and do not get to high ground the tentacle monster ripping up a few trees by the roots. You probably burned more LAST NIGHT. I know it's unfair to expect characters to know the genre of the book they're in, and by extension its equally unfair to expect them to know the themes of the book they're in. That said though...I WATCHED YOU START A FOREST FIRE, GANDALF. This is not the moment to suddenly discover ecocriticism.

At any rate, we have FINALLY made it inside Moria. Boromir is (rightfully) quite pissed off an apprehensive about this, but Gandalf is like, "Gimli and I will lead the way!" before they manage to get the party fucking lost and Sam is bitching about not having rope. Because oh my god there is SO MUCH atmospheric walking in this book. And most of the time the atmosphere is "vaguely evil with a healthy helping of depression." Which...yeah, that's what we get here.

So it makes sense that Gandalf is SUPER FUCKING OVER IT when Pippin yeets a rock down a well and they hear hammer blows from the deeps. And it makes even more sense when Gandalf realizes he's apparently also experiencing withdrawal symptoms because he hasn't had a smoke since before they started climbing Caradhras. So he non-apologizes to Pippin, lights up, and everything looks better in the morning...sort of. At least the wizard is less grumpy, and he has now firmly established himself as that member of the party who needs to be properly self-cared or he will make it EVERYONE ELSE'S PROBLEM. Seriously, what a goddamn diva.

But getting himself a wee bit of a smoke made it so he could make a decision and they headed up to where the air smelled good. So fair enough.

Then we have EVEN MORE atmospheric walking, and Sam picks up some dwarven lore via Gimli singing a song all about Moria and Khazad-dum, and I swear, the hobbit is going to be a lore-master himself by the end of this journey.

This chapter is also where we get a bit of a mithril infodump, which is pretty cool just in general. We also get Frodo having delayed sticker-shock because he's just casually waltzing around with a whole-ass shirt of mithril on. That's also a nice little reminder to all the readers that hey, remember that Frodo has this thing? I betcha it's going to be important soon.

We end the chapter on the SUPER downer note of finding Balin's tomb, and the dwarves now have their (not unexpected) answer to what happened to the party from thirty-odd years ago. Which is really sad, frankly.

That's also about where we're going to leave this chapter, because I am...exhausted by all the atmospheric walking. We will pick up next time with a relatively short chapter, and hopefully there is more to it than infodumping and atmospheric walking.

[apocalypticavolition]

Let's (re)Read The Eye of the World! Chapter 40: The Web Tightens

Spoiler alert: The main character's hair is not anywhere near so dull a color. This post and the whole reread has all kinds of big, terrible spoilers for this book and every other book. Okay, maybe just The Wheel of Time ones. But that's still a lot of spoilers, so if you don't want those you need to be elsewhere. I recommend this great little hole in the wall in Bologna, best Italian food you'll ever have.

Anyway, this chapter has a Flame of Tar Valon symbol, in part because of the Andorian royalty's association with Tar Valon (the imminent tutoring of the kids is discussed) but also because Elaida is here and she is spitting... well, not fire. Acid. But the weak kind.

When he looked back to the table, Moiraine and Logain had vanished, and Ba’alzamon sat there instead.

I assume that this is the moment when Ba'alsy narrows down his candidates definitively. He's using Moiraine and Logain's behaviors as the evidence he needs. Lucky for Rand, he's only mildly concussed so he doesn't stick around for the dream!

She was completely different from Egwene in height and face and body, but every bit as beautiful. He felt a twinge of guilt, but told himself that denying what his eyes saw would not bring Egwene safely to Caemlyn one whit faster.

It sure won't. In fact, the laws of dramatic irony say that if you kiss Elayne right now, Egwene will be safe and sound and right behind you.

“Be quiet, Gawyn.” She was clearly the younger of the two, but she spoke as though she took it for granted that he would obey. The boy’s face struggled as if he had more to say, but to Rand’s surprise he held his peace.

Even now Gawyn is not down for his assigned role in life. Really both he and Elayne are already chafing against the expectations upon them - that's why Elayne is off ruining her dresses climbing trees and carrying medical bags in said ruined dresses. Frankly I think the gap year she takes after going to Tar Valon was quite good for her; she'd be a good queen regardless but without a chance to get to know herself outside of her mother's oversight she wouldn't have been able to get great.

Rand looked at Gawyn. “Does she always expect everybody to do what she tells them?” A flash of surprise crossed the young man’s face, and his mouth tightened with amusement. “Most of the time she does. And most of the time they do.”

Gawyn relaxes a lot around Rand once he realizes how clueless he is. I'm surprised he didn't try the usual gag of keeping him clueless to laugh about it, but honestly it shows that he's not bad at heart. Stupid maybe, but not bad.

Elayne is too busy being a doctor to notice though.

“Not even Mother,” Elayne said, bending her head back over Rand’s hands. “She makes suggestions, and he always does what she suggests, but I’ve never heard her give him a command.” She shook her head.

Oh hey, earlier I was talking about Jordan loving "women are effectively in charge of a relationship because of soft power" and here we have another example of its inversion. Bryne though is pulling this off by seniority - he's been Captain-General and First Prince of the Sword to one woman or another since his mid-20s. Which makes him another fascinating figure, since most armies don't tend to put dudes who aren't in their 30s in charge. As ever, there's all these crazy people who we don't get to know much about.

Looking longingly at the wall, Rand gave his right name before he thought what he was doing, and even added, “From Emond’s Field, in the Two Rivers.” ... Rand stared at him. Elayne was staring, too. Gawyn looked as much under control as ever, but he was babbling. Why?

Once again Rand's ta'veren seems to be a little more fair at this point. Usually Rand doesn't babble half as much. Is it just getting turned on or something. (Also it's hilarious that Gawyn all but says, "You two should fuck" when he learns where Rand's from.)

“I am aware of your fondness for strays, Elayne,” the slender man said reasonably...

It's an interesting contrast between the two brothers that Gawyn kind-of almost suggests he thinks of Rand in such terms and then quickly clarifies that he definitely does not while Galad just does not give a fuck. Always the right thing, no matter who it hurts.

Also is this the only time the two half-bros are ever close to being in the same place? I think it might be and I'm too lazy to check. I guess maybe they're together at the big pre-TG tent meeting? Seems like everyone still alive but Mat, Seanchan, and the Darkfriends are at that one.

“You say I am fond of giving orders. Well, I command you to let nothing happen to you. I command you to be my First Prince of the Sword when I take the throne—the light send that day is far off!—and to lead the armies of Andor with the sort of honor Galad cannot dream of.” “As you command, my Lady.” Gawyn laughed, his bow a parody of Galad’s.

And again the contrast. Galad doesn't like following Elayne's orders but it's proper and he takes it seriously and he does it - then finds ways to work around them for the greater good. Gawyn doesn't take it seriously and so when the time comes to obey he does everything but.

Elayne growled an oath, and Rand’s eyebrows shot up. He had heard that one from the stablemen at The Queen’s Blessing and had been shocked then.

Elayne's first on-page swear. <3

I can't wait for her to learn the real curse words!

Despite her outstretched arms Elayne drew herself up regally. “You dare to bring bare steel into my presence, Tallanvor? Gareth Bryne will have you mucking stables with the meanest trooper for this, if you are lucky!”

One rather gets the impression that Elayne has been practicing this since a young age. "You dare to carry me to the bathtub, [name of generic servant who is helping poor Lini]?" Also dang, I forgot we got Tallanvor this early! This chapter is just filled with introductions - this is the most characters I've had to tag so far and all of them bar Rand, Ishamael and Elayne first appear in this chapter (and her in the last sentences of the previous one).

“You will conduct all three of us to my mother,” Elayne announced suddenly. A grin bloomed on Gawyn’s face.

They give Galad a lot of shit for being hard to have as a sibling, but frankly I expect Galad is very tired of having Elayne as a sibling too.

“The Queen, your lady mother,” Tallanvor announced, “commands me to bring the intruder to her immediately. It is also the Queen’s command that my Lady Elayne and my Lord Gawyn attend her. Also immediately.”

Sorry Elayne, but the Pattern demands Rand and Elaida meet, so there's no way to stop Tallanvor.

“It is not right,” Elayne said. “She asked if I wanted to pick out the one farm she could do the same for, while all around it the crops still failed, but it still isn’t right for us to have flowers when there are people who do not have enough to eat.”

And here we see why Elayne is a good ruler and Elaida is a terrible one - frankly, why the White Tower is a failed institution. If it were worth a damn, after a winter like this one they'd be sending women out across the known world helping what farms they could on the grounds that something was better than nothing. Instead, only the royalty benefit, and it's a meaningless affectation. You can't live off of a palace garden and Elaida's shamelessness is terrible.

And sadly, her ability at ratting is going to go in sharp decline too.

“First rank to accompany me,” Tallanvor commanded. “Announce the Lady Elayne and the Lord Gawyn to Her Majesty,” he told the doorkeepers. “Also Guardsman-Lieutenant Tallanvor, at Her Majesty’s command, with the intruder under guard.”

Good work Tallanvor, you did just defy the word of the Lady Elayne. It's a good thing you leave the palace before she gets crowned or she'd have every right to fire you.

Rand was just congratulating himself on getting it right when he noticed Tallanvor, his head still bent, glaring sideways at him from behind his face-guard. Was I supposed to do something else? He was suddenly angry that Tallanvor expected him to know what to do when no one had told him.

Gawyn is Elayne's First Prince and everyone else is a sworn guard, Rand. They're pissed that you're bowing as if you're Morgase's servant and protector instead of one of her subjects. But again, since you're the Dragon Reborn, you're really probably bowing in the only appropriate way to the woman who is currently your metaphorical wife.

If she had been a widow in Emond’s Field, she would have had a line of suitors outside her door even if she was the worst cook and most slovenly house keeper in the Two Rivers. He saw her studying him and ducked his head, afraid she might be able to tell his thoughts from his face. Light, thinking about the Queen like she was a village woman! You fool!

This is almost foreshadowing, except for the part where she only has the one suitor.

Gawyn, I have thought better of you. You must learn not only to obey your sister, but at the same time to be counterweight for her against disaster.

Don't worry Morgase, Gawyn will put equal effort into both of those endeavors!

But my sisters will keep you away from the unbeliever. That sort of thing is not for you, not yet.

Elaida is quite the fool if she thinks that anything about how she's behaved would bring Elayne to the Red Ajah. That's what she means here, that she thinks Elayne will mature into a hunter of male channelers. Well, she's not entirely wrong.

“A loyal subject from the Two Rivers.” Morgase sighed. “My child, you should pay more heed to those books. The Two Rivers has not seen a tax collector in six generations, nor the Queen’s Guards in seven. I daresay they seldom even think to remember they are part of the Realm.”

Assuming that they measure generations on about the same scale we do (20-30 years), this means that the last tax collector went to the Two Rivers no sooner than 120 years ago, the last guard 140. Possibly as much as 200 years back! The Two Rivers is not part of the Realm! They have as much in common with the average subject of the Lion Throne as a Saldaean!

Sanderson keeping them part of the same kingdom when Perrin's only note was "king" is nothing short of inappropriately inserting his bizarre political beliefs into the story. The man is completely opposed to actual revolution of any kind and Perrin suffered for it. Jordan had damn well been setting up this separation since the beginning, and he was right to do so.

It was his sword she touched, not him, her hand closing around the hilt at the very top. Her fingers tightened and her eyes opened wide with surprise. “A shepherd from the Two Rivers,” she said softly, a whisper meant to be heard by all, “with a heron-mark sword.”

Fain really fucked Elaida up, you know? Here she is, keeping all of the Dark One's eyes out of the palace and being the only person who can see what's right in front of her. None of the guards noticed how terrifying Rand's blade is. Gawyn didn't. Elaida's the only one who sees just how big a threat Rand might be. Sadly, she's going to go completely crazy.

“. . . with a story calculated to entice Elayne and bearing a heron-mark blade. He does not wear an armband or a cockade to proclaim his allegiance, but wrappings that carefully conceal the heron from inquisitive eyes. What chance this, Morgase?”

See what I mean? And worst of all, she only crafts this story because Rand lies and says he arrived that day. Elaida's quite right to object that's an absurd coincidence because even in this world, it is. It's complete bullshit. But now that she's drawn her false conclusion she only wants to damage with it.

She spoke again, barely moving her lips, so softly that he could barely hear her less than an arm’s length away. “This, too, I Foretell. Pain and division come to the whole world, and this man stands at the heart of it. I obey the Queen,” she whispered, “and speak it clearly.”

Elaida loves her some loopholes too. She spoke clearly but inaudibly. Watch for her abuse of loopholes later. I suppose she might have withheld this from everyone because of Rand's ta'veren, but I think it's just her glory hound nature coming out. If Rand's imprisoned or found out here, it's by Queen Morgase. If she hunts him down privately, without orders, it's Elaida doing it and it'll look great on her CV when she runs for usurper in Tar Valon.

First, because I have the advantage of Elaida and Gareth in having heard Two Rivers speech when I was young. You have not the look, but if a dim memory can serve me you have the Two Rivers on your tongue.

I wonder if Morgase and Tam crossed paths while he was on his way to Illian and she was on her way to train at the White Tower.

Elaida was only half attending what the Queen was saying; he could feel her eyes on his back. What would have happened if Morgase had not kept the Aes Sedai with her? 

Another bit of ta'veren luck in this chapter, the final tightening of the web that will set Rand's course for the final act of the book.

“Wrap a shoufa around your head, Rand, and you would be the image of an Aielman. Odd, since Mother seems to think you sound like a Two Rivers man, at least. I wish we could have come to know one another, Rand al’Thor. Fare you well.”

And so ends Rand and Gawyn's only moment around each other, again barring the huge group at Merrilor. This certainly ends whatever friendliness Gawyn has to Rand, from here on out it's hostility and nothing else.

Oh well. This also pretty much ends the chapter, with all that's left being Rand running back to the inn in terror. Who can blame him?

Next time: The party finally reunites (except Thom, who is still pretending to be dead)! Everyone realizes they're screwed!

[miss-ddarling]

05/14/2023 4:47AM

Vulnerability after Grief

I’m typing on my laptop, writing notes about different things relating to Spirituality. A topic and feeling I’ve been growing toward. I’m specifically learning more about the third eye and I had a weird thought while smoking my blunt. I always thought that the third eye opening was a specific weird experience. I felt like it would be a That's so Raven moment that would be startling. I also pictured it to be like a Ghost Whisper moment, where I suddenly can see spirits!

However, now that I'm older…

I feel like it’s more of an endless later where you learn more and more and unlearn things as well. Through education (learning) , mindfulness,meditation and opening your awareness. It sounds like a bunch of hippie babble yeah? Well, what I’m trying to say is I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I do feel closer to “peace.”

I am far away from peace when it comes to finances and struggling to have enough food or pay every bill and work just enough. However, mentally…I feel like I've been kicked down so much that there isn’t anything I couldn’t handle.

My dad suddenly passed away the day after I moved to another state to go to college, not be a burden to him anymore financially and so that I could find myself. Instead, I ended up in a relationship with someone who didn’t want a relationship and them living with me. Fights and fights because of misunderstandings, different mental awareness and age gap. I was a girl learning to become a woman in a world that already sees me as such.

I went from being a recently graduated college student moving out to go to another college to further education.. Daddy paying my phone bill and everything..To having life insurance and bills and debt I never knew existed.

You could say I was spoiled. Because I was. He even cleaned for me.

I spoke to my Dad every single day multiple times and the only other person I spoke to weekly was my boyfriend.

So, you can think of how the pressure of all this affected that boyfriend. In my opinion, he felt like he had to take care of me so he put up a front until he couldn’t anymore. Then, would occasionally find himself flirting with another woman online. A lot of men see that i’m mature but they can’t accept and love the flaws that come with me actually being young and neurodivergent.

I’ve survived multiple Suicide attempts, rapes, and child sex trafficking. When I thought it couldn’t get worse, it did.

Where I currently am, is a little over 2 years after my dads death, in my apt with my ex. I’m smoking and doing research about things i’m interested in again. I had to drop out of college the first semester because it was a few months after my dads death and I couldn’t even read a paragraph or type one.

It feels… amazing to be able to write again.

I want to share my life experiences with the world so that someone out there who went through something similar can see that, even if it does get worse…there’s still a way to find peace until it’s consistently great.

I’ll be 23 in a few weeks. I never thought I’d reach 18.

I don’t believe in a god anymore but I do believe that I can use this time on earth to heal other people through being vulnerable and sharing my experiences.

Tomorrow, I could become homeless. I would shrug because even if I was now facing starvation, and other issues relating to it, I would know that I’ve made it so far. I’ve been through so many things where I wanted to die and had to hurt myself to feel anything. I’m raising myself, have no parents and I’m broke in another state with family who’s hurt me more than helped. However, I am not what has happened to me or who has hurt me. I am always shedding the day prior and creating a new skin for what is to come.

I have came too far to back down from anything that wants to bring me down. Even if physically I am not well, mentally and spiritually I will be. I will still be kind. I will still fight my way until I die.

I will not let the dark take the most important thing from me, my mind.

This song is how I’ve started feeling since disconnecting from everything I believed I needed to be happy. To find self love, acceptance and happiness within myself. It’s a bumpy add ride with plenty flashbacks, but it’s still a way up.

If you want to hear part 2 on audio or read it, comment or like❤️

[heyitsjooooanne]

I'm Pathetic. Please Don't Talk To Me.

Date: November 23rd, 2024

Time: 3:43 am

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

I'm trying to create a gig for Fiverr.

But to do that, I need to fill out a 1099 form for self-employment tax (which is provided on the site).

Easy right?

But I am so overwhelmed from just reading the first line.

I also looked at the form for income tax and the thought of calculating that on my own in the future is so nerve-wracking to me.

I'm not sure I have what it takes.

Even my anxiety at this is enough to make me hate myself.

There are a lot of skills that I've learned to do over the years, but interacting with the outside world is not one of them.

I'm a 33 year old who's never had her own income, so I've never been employed.

And I've been living at the home I was raised in since my high school graduation (I also attended the local community college).

Yes, I'm pathetic.

It's also one of the reasons why I'm hesitant to make new friends.

It's really lonely, but I'd rather not have any new peers get to know me until I'm a proper adult (earning income and having the ability to do things independently).

Of course, even if I had the bare minimum of a paying job, I still wouldn't want anyone to be interested in me.

I don't think there's a single person on Earth who would be interested in getting to know a young woman who is looking for employment super late/became employed super late, never made her own friends (my friends from middle/high school, who I'm still friends with today, approached me first), doesn't know how to drive, and has little interest in sexual intimacy (pregnancy, stds, and it’s kinda gross? no thank you).

And so, the isolation continues… . . . Writing this made me tear up a bit, which was unexpected.

But I would really really prefer it if no one spoke to me until I at least found a way to generate my own income.

Of course, I can't actually stop anyone from wanting to speak to me online. If someone out there thinks a never-employed adult who still lives at home and has no hope for any sort of future except poverty and misery is worth getting to know, then have at it.

But anyone who wants to get to know me can do so much better than me.

I also feel kinda stupid now for being so annoying on Wattpad this year. I wanted someone on there to be honest about their true identity with me for my own peace of mind so I wouldn't feel like I was crazy, but now I'm not so sure I would've been ready for him to be honest with me back then. Or now.

And the context for this is that near the end of January, I messaged someone on social media telling them about a written work of mine. And then, the very next day, an anonymous user complimented that same written work on my profile's conversations tab (I deleted it), which made me believe it was him. The written work had also never been commented on until then, which also made me believe it.

But even when I was chatting with him on Wattpad messaging (before they took it away), a part of me was hesitant to talk more freely in the chat (I only said "hi" then left a huge gap before telling him "goodbye") because a part of me didn't want anyone new to speak to a pathetic adult like me. And another part of me was like "What if it really is him? Do I even deserve his attention? I mean, he could've ignored the message I sent. He didn't have to waste his time on Wattpad just to speak to me, but…"

So me not being sure if he really was the person I messaged was a great excuse to cut off our two week's worth of communication right then and there. Plus, he didn't seem different on his social media, so I started to doubt that it was actually him.

Then I tried chatting with him again in April because I wanted to really make sure that he wasn't the person that I messaged on social media. I even ranted a bit because I couldn't believe that he (allegedly) wasn't him.

And my rants mostly consisted of me saying "I can't believe you're not him" and "how did you find me if you're not him?" in the chat. He took it surprisingly well (at least in writing), but, ugh.

Long story short is that he wasn't the person I messaged. That, or he did a really good job of convincing me that he wasn't.

But the nerve of me to ask somebody like him to actually admit his true identity to a nobody like me was/is ridiculous.

No matter who it was, I shouldn't have put him through that.

That situation is now a dark time in my life because of how crazy, sad, and stupid I felt at the end of it.

But even if it is/was him, it's way better for him to just forget about me.

I mean, I can't even think about doing "adult things" without a sense of internal dread.

And it would be way too embarrassing for him be friends with someone like me, even if we're only able to communicate online for quite some time.

(⌣_⌣”)

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

UPDATE:

2:50 pm

I spoke with my mom about my anxiety over the taxes and she tried to reassure me that it’s not as scary as I’m making it out to be. The fear is still there, but she made me feel a little bit better.

(She doesn’t know about him and I plan on keeping it that way.)

[navigating--thru--life]

17/10/2024

TIME; 11:30 AM

So if I shud talk abt today. There is actaully nthg to talk about. God that was SO lame. Anyway I woke up at like 8 and all I did was scroll thru insta. I have like nothing to do in life. like srsly. Idk I couldn't get into a college. Ofc not the end of the world but pretty much its like that for me. I wanted to go for nursing and I couldn't get into one either cause of my marks or cause I'm broke af. Um yeah so basically my life is pretty down and uk wts worse The people!!!! they just make you feel sm more miserable about everything in life. I didn't wanted to take a freaking gap year. I always hoped THAT I would get into one. But I didn't welll! wt can I do? Sometimes things just go all the way around of wt you actually prayed for. What can we do? Some people just makes me feel pathetic cause I couldn't get into a cllg. I'm so scared about my future. idk wt ever is gonna happen or wt could ever possibly go right? I just wanted to have that peace in life uk. Where I could just have experiences, meet new people and just simply GROW. My dreams were Go to cllg, get some friends, going out and just enjoying my life as it is. But all I got is no cllg, I do have my scl friends who got into cllg or who are actually doing smthing with life,( I'm so happy for them tho! like I'm so proud) and absolutly no going out, NO enjoyment BUT! clearly rotting in home. Dude!! like I wake up, I go to church, I eat, I scroll, I eat, I scroll again, I sleep AND OVER TO THE NEXT DAY DOING THESE ALL OVER AGAIN. This is all that've been happening for the past 4-5 months. It's a freaking loop like dude no wonder I got issues.

so Ig I rlly need to get out of this situation. So as a part of my plan, here's today's list;

PRIORITIES OF THE DAY

GETTING CLOSE TO JESUS- Now how do I do that? Bible helps ryt! imma read bible today yeah I asked Chatgpt to MAKE a schedule for me to read bible and today acc to Chatgpt imma read genesis 1 and 2 then john 1 and psalms 8 yeah I'm doing it if that's gonna help imma do it.

SECOND PRIORITY OF THE DAY - LET'S LEARN A LANGUAGE. SPANISH SOUNDS GOOD. I WILL TAKE DUALINGO LESSONS.

AFFIRMATIONS? yeh I kinda need positivity rn which idk if will ever work!!!!

TIME-8:00PM- updates

Yeah so I read bible today. Felt good ofc. Also went to church my mood was sm better. Felt closer to GOD. Also gave him an updation about my life (like he doesn't know wts going on)

I sat outside for almost 15 mins( waw that's like a lot *eye roll*) and wrote my journal. Ik that was like not on my list but Ig I wanted it today. It was very therapeutic. Just nature and writing with music in headphones. ITS A VIBE. Felt pretty calm. despite of hw my mood was in the mrng, evening felt good.

hola! Mucho guesto

So that was Hi and nice to meet you in Spanish. Its pretty fun actually I like Duolingo but I have no commitment. Hopefully I can work on that thru this as well.

then affirmations which I did and which had no effect. I mean its the first day wt do u expect.

So what now I don't feel like anything now. I mean its much better feeling than wt was there in the mrng. Yeah Ig imma end it heree.

gracias!

-Ann

[thaleleah]

awe tal 🩷 don't even apologize!

no girl same i have not met a single step parent who's at least a bit decent! my uncle recently married this woman who has two grown kids, my uncle also has two grown kids. and let's just say that both my cousins disowned their dad 👀 his wife and her daughters are all so problematic that my uncle only hangs out with them and he doesn't even talk to his sons anymore. it's honestly so sad how divided a parent and their child's relationship becomes. and they are so blind to it!

my stepmonster is 43-44! same age my older sister 🥴 and her dad is a year younger than my dad like it's actually so gross 🤮 i do not have an issue with huge age gap relationships, i was in one myself 2 years ago, but when it comes to it being the same age as your own kid or dad i'm like ew dad 😂

and tell me about it? how can they still get it up is the question 😂 my stepmom is actually sick. you know what she would do? she would come up to me and tell me how good my dad fucks her 😑 like bitch i don't want hear how my dad is in bed. i was about to throw up with the details she was providing me 🤢

also girl don't even feel bad for my dad. he fucked up his kids lives so much. he's been a serial cheater since he married my mom, which is why they got divorced, and yet he claims he's still in love with her like what? 😂 and my mom is just selfish. both did so much wrong. my dad actually has a girlfriend on the side rn 😂 and stepmonster knows, but it's all about the money for her. it's a mess of a shitshow lmfao 😂

i just went on a long ass rant i am so sorry girl 😂

your poor mom 😢 your step dad is such a pos. and of course he uses religion as an excuse to control your mom 🙄 "God first, then the husband, then the children" - fuck off clown. he knows damn well it's the kids that come first, you're not even her father? like stfu dude.

girl i get you, i also have to be civil, and it's so hard. i can't imagine how hard it is for you 🩷 it's so sad we have to keep the peace in order to still be in our parents lives 🫤 it's so unfair to us. some parents are just selfish. both mine fucked up everything for their own sake and happiness and completely forgot how it would affect us.

but... thank god we're not alone 🩷 like we always have each other to talk to about this stuff and that helps a lot to know that there is a lot of us who have gone through this!

thank god for tom blyth cause that man is my happiness atm 😩 he literally makes me so happy. whenever i see his face i have this instant smile on my face like an idiot 🥰 i honestly can't for june!

and tal, my love, you have gift.... that tom blyth drabble ughhh 👄💦

THE FUCKING DRAMA WHAT

First of all, I take back everything I said about your dad lol. That man is a cheater and therefore I have ZERO sympathy for him.

I agree that the age gap isn't an issue but it is superrrrrr uncomfortable for him to be older than her own dad and her to be the same age as his daughter. Those vibes are NOT it 😭

Also, your stepmom is fucking horrid. Staple her lips shut cause no! No one wants to hear about their parent and how they are in bed. And that man is almost in his 80s. I'm sorry but there is no way he's fucking anyone that good. He'd probs break a damn hip, be so for real right now. I'm actually so curious how "attractive" your dad is to be having a side chick at 78. Or is his side-girlfriend trying to get money too? Is the side-gf nice at least???? How old is she??

I have so many questions lol. Tell me the tea ☕️ (if you're comfortable of course, no pressure)

My stepdad is the absolute worst. Nothing pisses me off more than someone using religion to control people and cause harm but it seems more and more that that's the norm. Also like... she loves me because I'm her daughter. She chooses to love him. He won - can he stop this bullshit feud now? I'm tired of it. Having to deal with him and constantly be in survival mode, plus seeing how he mistreats my mom has absolutely fucked me in terms of my own romantic relationships. I have never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month cause if I see even one thing that reminds me of my stepdad, I'm gone. He completely messed up my sense of trust and I'm trying to work through it but its sooooo hard.

Also, he threatened to take me to court once cause I pissed him off. That's not relevant to anything other than to further show that he's an asshole lol

But yes, you can 100% always talk to me about this cause even just going through these messages was actually really cathartic. I don't have any siblings so anyone that I talk to about this really can't understand anything completely from my perspective so its nice to talk to someone who gets it.

JUNE CAN'T COME FAST ENOUGH. I'm so excited for the new episodes, I'm gonna be completely unbearable for a lot of people lmaooooo

Thank you, babesssss 😏 I'm glad you liked it! I'm proud to serve 🫡

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Hi! I saw that you provide channelled messages. If it’s okay, may I receive a channelled message from my soulmate/future spouse? Also, is it okay to know a few things about him (I identify as female) and our connection? Thank you so much! Expressing gratitude! 💐

Thank you for sharing gender because that helps so much, because I don’t want to assume how people identify etc. so many readings I just kept non gendered for that reason. So anyway, appreciate that. Also I saw your other ask come through and will delete it once I post. I could tell by the emojis! It’s taken me a bit to get the vibe for this one.

💐 💐 💐 💐 💐 💐 💐 💐 💐 💐 💐 💐 💐 💐

Channeled Love Letter

Hello Darling, (cheeky energy, very teasing and playful)

Did you miss me? Of course you do! Not nearly as much as I miss you. What I’ve been up to? More of the same. It’s a hell of a life here, hmmm? I think so. It feels so chaotic and up and down and in and out but the longer I’m here, the more I feel I’m getting the hang of it. If you can’t tell, we don’t come here too much, well I don’t. Earth is not my forte but I guess that’s the fun. I have a feeling you’re better at this than me. I haven’t really figured out all the stuff I’m supposed to.

I’m more of a drifter, a vagabond, (always on the run—Lenny kravitz) But I’ve seen so much, learned myself, learned the planet. I’m starting to think maybe it’s for the best I’m not like everyone else. I know people see me as a waste, as if I’ve wasted a perfectly good mind and body. They just don’t understand me. They can’t see how advanced I really am. One day, all this life is gonna make me the master (I actually see them as like a life coach, or guru or spiritual leader of some sort, I also get vibes they’ve been houseless before and have lived on the streets— but they chose this to learn)

I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but we’re meant to love people as they are, not the character they play. I’ll be more stable when we meet, but for now, I’m still growing and going through all I need to for my mission here. You don’t have to get it, but I hope you do. I hope you see me past societal lenses. I hope you understand (I hope you understand— Del Gap Band). Loving me is not how you’ll expect but it’s good for you. I’ll take you to understandings and places you’d have never gone. That’s part of the beauty that draws you to me, all the things I’ve learned and seen. (Very sage, but they are still being developed)

Trust the timing and the process, I’ll come when it’s best. I love you. I send you thoughts of peace with every sunrise and sunset I see. I hope you feel it. I just want you to feel serene. First thought and last thought of the day. Always. Love yourself like I love you. Keep finding the courage to make it through and say yes when the new comes knocking.

Love you honey! (Benjamin? Hawking, Howard? Laughlin, Lachlan? Some of these names may connect? Not sure how exactly. )

Card Pull�� Goddess Guidance

What goddess can you draw strength from at this time?

Rhiannon— sorceress “you are a magical person who can manifest your clear intentions into reality”

This card is telling me you are stronger and more gifted than you know. You need to trust your instincts more because they are connecting with your magic. You need to get clear on what you really want and one way to do that is to clear out things that no longer serve you. Release them, old beliefs, clothes, dreams, etc. Stop looking at yourself as a version of yourself from years ago. Who are you now? Who are you becoming? You can create yourself into whomever you want to be. Set your intention on that.

What goddess does your person see you as?

Isis— past life “the situation involves your past life memories”

To me this confirms that you and your person know each other from a past life and that they will be aware of that when you meet. You may even have memories flashback or they may. This could be alarming but doesn’t have to be.

Look more into the goddess Isis. She is a very powerful Egyptian goddess and learning more about her mythology and her gifts could help you unlock your own! Really hoping this helps. Would love to know how it resonates. Appreciate your patience :)

[fromthegreytavern]

Una Vez en Durango: Cartel Campaign Diary Part 0

CW: references to weaponry, drug trafficking, law enforcement, violence

Background

I have been wanting to run Cartel for ages. I'm not sure that I have ever read, ran, or played a game that so effectively uses its mechanics to not only push the story forward in new and interesting ways but also to give the MC and players all the tools they need to engage with a new setting and perhaps even a new genre.

Speaking of a new genre, Cartel is a narcofiction RPG, plain and simple. The player characters find themselves in the year 2007 in the city of Victoria de Durango, Durango, MX, a vibrant city both filled with and surrounded by interesting locations (54 of which come included in the location deck!). This setting allows for a rich open world with plenty of inspiration to pull from, but also plenty of gaps to fill in during play, and the early 2000's setting means that all of your favorite Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul tropes are on the table -- no flip phone is safe from being angrily snapped in half after being used as a burner phone!

Like any Powered by the Apocalypse game, the game mechanics are meant to be reactive, with rolls being called for as the triggers described in the moves occur in play and this game's set of moves very easily covers many of the actions that unfortunate souls caught in La Guerra Antidrogas would find themselves doing often such as "justifying their behavior", "straining their finances", or, my personal favorite, "getting fucking shot" (I know how that sounds but it's just a really well-written move).

In addition, these mechanics tell you what kind of game this is: a melodrama about the complicated and messy lives of those who are unlucky and/or foolish enough to find themselves caught up in the Drug War. This differs greatly from the procedural, heist-based gameplay of games like Blades in the Dark. This game isn't interested in how El Narco's crew managed to take down a rival gang's warehouse. Cartel is much more interested in how the grizzled Sicario that led the op is going to explain to his Esposa why he came home at 3 AM with clothes covered in blood and a hastily stitched knife wound, or how the Polizeta is going to explain to his partner where the giant bag of cash in the trunk came from.

But enough about the game itself! Let's get to the good stuff!

The Setup

I am running this campaign for two very good friends of mine who are helping me practice running the game. I normally prefer a minimum of 3 players in my games, and honestly, the game is designed for around 4, but these two are great players with a great dynamic and I knew they'd be up to the task!

We began with a brief discussion about what the game is and what it isn't, much like what you see above. We've played games together many times in the past, so instead of a detailed discussion of player safety, we opted for a reminder that safety tools are there to be used and that though this is a game that handles difficult subject matter, our comfort comes first. If you decide to run or play Cartel in the future, I highly recommend a thorough discussion of lines and veils as it is very easy for things to get dark and gritty fast in this game! It works as intended!

The Characters

After a bit of discussion, my players landed on the El Narco and La Sicaria playbooks. A perfect match for a two-person game! One of my favorite storylines in television is the relationship between Mike Ehrmantraut and Gustavo Fring in both Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul so I am more than excited to see how these two characters' relationship evolves.

Our Narco is named Alfonso de la Rosa aka "El Fénix." De la Rosa is a sensible, practical man that puts business before anything else, except perhaps his family and his ambition. He received his plaza from the Sinaloa Cartel after methodically chipping away at the territory of his predecessor who is now enjoying a peaceful convalescence in a local retirement home -- and before you ask, no, he doesn't have a bell and he is in excellent health for his age. Alfonso promised the cartel big things: bigger profits, smaller losses, secure passage for their product across the border, and even more valuable than that, a secure, high-volume facility on the US side of the border. His secret weapon to accomplish these lofty promises? His trucking company: El Presidente Camionaje. His company already sends hundreds of trucks across the border every month, what's a little extra cargo ¿sabes?

In Cartel you primarily gain XP by acting according to tus llaves -- your keys, which are principles that guide your character in moments of uncertainty. Alfonso's keys are Familia and Paranoia which means that he's going to be testing his employees' loyalty and protecting his family by any means necessary; however, should he not follow these principles and let preventable harm come to his family, or should he expose a betrayal, he'll clear these keys, finding new principles to guide him and gaining an advancement a la vez.

El Narco is a special playbook. Unlike the others, he doesn't get many additional moves after character creation, but the ones he does have are powerful and make up core parts of the game.

The first of these is La Plaza, a move that defines what Alfonso's operation looks like and what its problems are. These details help create the starting situation of the campaign and give me as the MC plenty of ammunition to make sure no one gets too comfortable -- it's a war after all.

Alfonso's Plaza is based around his trucking business and reflects his all-business attitude. He has halcones along all of his smuggling routes giving him greater control over his territory and a reputation for brutality meaning that anyone estúpido enough to cross him better have good insurance. Mechanically this lets him use a different stat to pressure someone into following along with his wishes. As a businessman, Alfonso plans for the future, which is why instead of having to deal with untrained pendejos as his enforcers, he has a crew with military training, matones bien cabrones. Because most of his money goes into the business, Alfonso lives a modest but stable lifestyle, with some luxuries, but it's no hacienda. He doesn't mind though, Alfonso enjoys his privacy, which is why he also chose to be anonymous, reducing his heat stat to 0.

Of course, that's not to say he lives la vida perfecta, everyone's got problems, and the more power he gains, the more problems he'll have. Like any criminal enterprise, Alfonso has problems with los federales. Though generally well-behaved (so long as they receive their compensation), los federales can't have narcos conducting business in the open, so he'll have to be careful. To make things worse, there's a mole in the operation (maybe Alfonso's paranoia isn't so loco after all)! This means he's got problems, and he doesn't even know with whom! Could be los federales, but with all his activity near the border he may be dealing with something far worse: los gringos. Lastly, things haven't been running so smoothly lately and word on the street is that there's a new gang in town looking to seize control of the city. Pretty soon it'll be an all-out war, guerra en las calles güey, and that's bad for business.

That brings us to our second player character Tiburón Tejada, El Sicario. La Sicaria is a playbook all about the conflicts that surround the messy business of wetwork. Not only that, the Sicarix that you make left the business once, but now they're back. Must not be muy inteligente ¿no? Tiburón left the business after his former employer got sloppy. He's careful, antisocial, and all business, with a distinct lack of moral fiber to rival Anton Chigurh. Besides, if you don't have friends, no one can stab you in the back ¿sabes? In fact, that's how he's survived this long. His work is his life. No friends, no family, no drama. Only joking there's still plenty of drama, but you'll have to wait til the Session 1 diary for that chisme.

Tiburon's llaves are Indomitable and Duty, meaning that he'll get XP whenever he completes assignments for el jefe or when he proves just how much of a diablo he is by taking on his enemies outmanned and outgunned. He can clear these keys by surrendering to his enemies or by making a move against the goals of his employer, Alfonso. For his moves, Tiburón has been in the game for a long time, he's as savage as they come, knows how to read a tense situation, and despite not getting out much, he's got a bit of a reputation. Everyone knows to keep an eye out for tiburones in the water -- and that they can smell blood a mile away.

Any half-decent Sicario knows that preparation is key and that there's a right tool for every job. He's got tracking devices, a police scanner, and a silencer, as well as body armor, and his signature weapons include a sniper rifle, shotgun, submachine gun, and a fireman's axe. I can't wait to see how he uses that.

The Ties that Bind: Enlaces

Between the two characters' llaves and El Narco's problemas we already have quite the game, but we're not quite done yet. Cartel is a game about messy, complicated relationships that divide the player characters and push them into conflict, so let's talk about our supporting cast.

Z-36: Alfonso's contact with the Sinaloa Cartel. A casual, clean-cut ranchero who always comes to visit with a smile on his face and cigarros y tequila in hand, but this güey is ex-special forces and doesn't tolerate tardiness, so Alfonso better pay his dues -- and live up to his promesas.

Gabriel Santiago de la Rosa Molina: Known colloquially as el Hijo or el Principito, Gabriel is Alfonso's son. He's young and hungry to prove himself, but so far has been stuck driving trucks to the border. Once upon a time, he fucked up, bad, but thankfully Tiburón was there to help him clean up the mess -- and keep it a secret from his papá.

Yenifer Molina Castro: Known as la Reina among the enforcers, she's Alfonso's wife. She also happens to be a veterinarian at la Veterinaria "Fido", who ends up patching up as many wounded narcos as she does family pets. She is extremely put together, never a hair out of place, but with a youthful energy that is one of the few sources of joy in Alfonso's life.

Alberto "Beto" Francisco: He's a lower-level lieutenant that handles Alfonso's local dealers. He's super charming and genuine and lights up a room. Unfortunately for him, his take keeps coming up short and Alfonso is sure he's up to something.

Ramón el Bautista: He used to run things in Durango, but not anymore, not after Alfonso took it from him. But he's reached the point in his life that few narcos ever reach: retirement. He's content to live out the rest of his days in his retirement home, watching his novelas, but that doesn't mean his familia feels the same...

Wrap-up

So that brings us to the end of Session 0! With plenty of pieces on the board and loose threads to pull these characters are under high pressure and things are about to explode! Next time we'll recap the first session and talk some more about this fantastic game.

I hope that you have enjoyed this entry! If you would like to take a look at any of the things mentioned in this blog links are below, and if you have any questions or comments drop them in the ask section! Until next time, I leave you with a song! ¡Cuídense y hasta luego!

Links

Cartel Victoria de Durango, Durango, MX Powered by the Apocalypse Blades in the Dark Anton Chigurh

[storyhuntress31]

Erwin looks at her, composed and serious. Deadly serious. "By now, the certainty that you have been the only survivor of the 34th is absolute. There is no one else that has survived, Ilse." Erwin informs, in a calmed and quiet tone, composed, as he sits by her side once again. "Levi, myself and some of our best soldiers offered to come back to the zone again and search for survivors. Nothing to do except recovering the corpses of the fallen. At least, they will now be able to get a proper burial and rest in peace." He says. His eyes not matching the serenity of the words he spoke.

He can't help but smile softly as she notices she remembers. "You did write it. And yes. I am sorry about that, Lagnar. I know how private are you about your notes and how much you treasure them until they are complete enough so as to be able to provide some sort of theory or insight into titans...but... I needed information. I needed to know what had happened and how had you managed to keep yourself alive for days in that forest. I'm not proud about invading your privacy...but I hope you can excuse me this one time"

He lets out a sight and looks at her. "You kept writing for as long as it was humanly possible to do so... Just...take this as an advice from a friend. I know you and I know you are curious and stubborn and won't probably listen to me in this. But there are quite some triggering lines in what you wrote... I don't think that you should just look at them right now. You need to settle and get your memories back. Recover. And let things sink down before going through this." He warns and advises her. His hand now over the black front cover of the now dirty and deteriorated (but still readable) notebook.

At her words, Erwin blinks a couple of times. She doesn't hate him. She doesn't. In all his years as a soldier and commander he can't even recall a moment in which he has ever felt more relief. But he was also quick in noticing how distressed and uncomfortable she was feeling. "Now if you allow me, I will change your bandage into a less constructive one... Will also open the window a bit ..." He approaches the window leaving it slightly open so the air in the room would naturally refresh and she wouldn't feel so anxious.

" Feeling a bit better? Here." He says taking out a hairband from his wrist and slowly taking her hair off her nape in a clumsy yet useful little ponytail. "I must admit I'm terrible at this but I still hope it helps a bit with the unsetting feeling of you loose hair against your nape. Now... Let's take care of these... "Constrictive" bandages." He adds approaching her with the utmost care, taking the bandage off and treating her with the utmost care as he replaced them, this time with a different kind of pattern to ensure her arm wouldn't move and therefore would be able to fix the fracture but also that it wasn't as tight as it originally was and she could breath and change positions as painlessly as possible. "There you go... Hairstyle may not be my thing but I have always get on well with medical aid and basic healthcare. Do you think I would have made a good doctor?" He asks curiously, trying to lighten the atmosphere a bit for a while.

As she speaks again, he regain his position by her side, his back now straight and his look determined, fierce and without a single glimpse of doubt. "I do believe it. And I don't think it was your mind playing any tricks. You kept writing until the very last moment. I know how much of a perfectionist you are when it comes to research and investigation. How passionate you are about it. On top of it... You also perfectly described your feelings, surroundings...the previous talks with that titan...how you ended up losing your temper. In chronical order. No gaps, no doubts not a single incoherence. It is impossible that you made it up yourself"

He takes her hand softly. In a tender, comforting gesture to also help her regain some sense of reality "Everything you wrote, as hard and triggering and incredible as it may sound. Was real. There are talking titans. You found the very first one of them. There is a lot yet to be determined and investigated about them. But they do exist and there is a reason why some of them are able to talk and others don't."

"I can't fathom the situation you found yourself in, Ilse, not in the slightest. What you just overcame is huge, hard and extremely scary and distressing. But I want to let you know a couple of things before leaving. First. You have no idea about how much you have actually helped humanity with your findings. This will change the course on our knowledge on titans forever. And second and on a more personal note: I am really glad to see you safe and sound and alive despite everything. You are one of my most loyal soldiers and also one of my dearest friends. Welcome back to the living side, Ilse. I'm happy you are here."

@shiiptowreck

Erwin lets, out a little chuckle at her comment. He just couldn't help it. She was always so incredibly direct and right to the point. "I get it, it's annoying and you are quite uncomfortable. I will make sure your nurse made a new bandage. Loosening it a bit this time, not to much, tho. Just...enough to save you from dying strangled. " He stated firmly. With her, he still felt like he can be himself. A bit goofy if he felt like it. They had entered the. Corps together. They had grown together and fought together. Still, he felt fear at his very core. Fear of losing one of his most dearest friends If he revealed his biggest failure as both. Man and captain.

Still, he couldn't keep that from her. The truth. Not knowing how naturally curious she was and how incredibly Inquisitive. So he took a deep breath and started. "I will tell you everything. I will leave you time to process it the best you can. Stay here to answer whatever questions you have and... I will understand your hate after it. I was the ultimate responsible for it. I just want you to take that into account, Ilse." He says incredibly serious now. "Raw and unfiltered as you asked... " He begins. The utmost grieve and guilt painted in his features their weight all combined crushing his very soul and heart as he speaks.

"The 34th expedition outside the walls has been my biggest failure as a captain and commander. The expedition was working reasonably well till we made to an area played of titans. The entirety of your flank was mercilessly massacred by them with almost no time for reaction. We learnt from your notebook that you lost your horse and 3D maneuver Gear, and that left you disoriented and lost in the area. From what you wrote..." Erwin makes a pause leaving her black notebook on her nightstand " You were the only survivor."

"You tried to reach back the walls and entered a forest area. That's when you found it. What you thought was an abnormal titan. It doesn't eat you directly. Instead....it seemed to have recognized or identified you as he apparently talked to you " Ymir Sama" It called you. He placed you inside a tree....as long as you were able to write...he had you there...and seemed to treat you with the respect someone would show towards royalty... "Ymir Sama...Ymir people..." At first... You were taken back by the fact that it was able to actually talk. So your natural answer was to reply.... By asking questions, naturally. " He sighed.

"You asked it why they ate people. Where they come from... Natural things everyone would like to know to solve some of the utmost important questions for humanity.... But it was apparently not intelligent enough to register or try to answer your questions... You got enraged and shouted at it....it started to claw at its face....squirting blood as it tore it's facial skin off. Upon its reactions, yours were the natural one. Flee. It wouldn't let you. As you wrote....it grab you and tried to eat you. Bite your head... Some comrades from Neil wing found the situation and killed the titan on the spot. You were unconscious and almost left us twice in your way back to the walls.... You were taken into custody by the military police and it took us almost a week to get your release."

He couldn't help to scratch his nape, feeling incredibly lost and uncomfortable for the first time he can recall in quite a long time "we managed to get your Notebook back as well, without them getting to read it. I know this is not of importance in this precise moment. But you have made a major discovery for humanity. This could change everything. Still that doesn't erase the fact that I miscalculated the amount of titans within the area and almost got the whole expedition but you killed on the spot."

"The notebook is here. All your notes have been protected and copied carefully in case the notebook gets eventually damaged. You will now have all the time in the world to read through it. Mourn the fallen ones.... Write to your family... Of have someone write them for you while you recover. No one is expecting you to jump back into action immediately.... Most of us still haven't fully processed what has happened. And as I told you.... You asked for it raw and unfiltered. I offered it to you as you asked. To be clear on the matter: you are the sole survivor of the 34th expedition outside the walls and an abnormal talking titan almost ate you raw."

He stands up, looking at her "Feel free to hate me from this day on if that offers your heart some peace. I know that I the minimum I deserve. I will carry it with me until my last day. As I was the one in charge. The one entrusted with all your precious lives. The one that couldn't protect any of them, as well. As I told you... If you still can bear to look at my face...I will answer any question you have... Any need. Just say it. And you will have it done, Lagnar."

He states. Offering her their salute. Serious, formal, distant. He was now the commander. The responsible and the officer in charge. Still his inner self was absolutely terrified to loss the one person in his current life that was able to give his heart and soul something similar to sunlight. He was afraid of loosing his friend. This person that had inadvertently gotten closer and closer to him and to his heart. Having by now, with a single word, the power to completely destroy his heart and feelings and shattering it into a million pieces. Feelings that from now on, due to what has happened he might now never be able to confess or even talk about.

@shiiptowreck

[dolletro]

Exhaustion

Hello DMC tumblr! This is my first ever post on tumblr! 

My native language is not english, plus I am not really sure how to write Vergils character, so he might be a little bit OOC. Despite that I did try my absolute best! Please of you have any suggestions how to polish my skills and create aesthetically more pleasing works, don’t hesitate to DM me! Constructive critisism is always welcomed! 

I was  debating wether I should post it or not, since I wasn’t sure if it’s good enough, then I though what if this is exactly the thing someone needs? 

Anyways, please enjoy!

Word count: 1.5+K

 He never meant to stay for this long in your room, all he wanted was to notify you about the training schedule change for the upcoming two days, but somehow your warm smell mixed with the vanilla scented air freshener pulled an unfamiliar kind of exhaustion out of him, so he sat down on your bed and welcomed your voice in. You talked a lot, he made a mental note in himself, about an hour into you talking about the game you were now playing, the frantic button smashing, the frustrated grunts  from time to time and your cats nestled on his chest purring away, lulled him to sleep even more.

"...And that's why I like him so much! OH, that reminds me, he is also wielding a katana just like you-..." you turned around with an excited smile, the dim, pink tinted LED strips and your TV's light illuminating your features. Eyes filled with joy looking down at him, taking in his reaction. When did he lie down on your fluffy pillows?

"You know, if you are too tired to move you can always just sleep here, I don't mind it." with that the weight from the end of your bed disappeared signaling that you stood up. Now humming the same tune as the music that was coming from the game, you began to search for something in your closet, checking an item out for whatever reason and then putting it back. Vergil averted his gaze to the bright screen, that now burned his eyes out, he certainly now missed the way you blocked a good part of it. There stood the character with a katana in his hand, body covered from head to toe in what seemed to be metal, hair similar shade to his. He had a faint idea what you might have called this warrior, but to be fair Vergil hardly paid any attention to your rambling, yet some of those tiny details that stuck made the blue devil wonder, if you liked him mainly because he reminded you of some of your favorite game characters, or if you like those characters because they looked similar to him.

'How foolish...' Vergil blinked once, twice then he moved his arm up to cover his eyes to block out any light. Why would that be the reason? You two had known each other for just a few months now, if not a year. The age gap too was quite wide in anyone's opinion, maybe twenty years give or take, and you, as if you had known eachother since forever, talk to him about everything from anything mundane to more serious or even exciting topics. Even when he used to push you away you kept on trying to befriend and create a connection with him. Maybe your unwavering determination is what led to this moment, him allowing his guard to be down around you. 

 When was the last time he was this...content? Both before and after destroying the Qliphoth nightmares often plagued his consciousness whenever he tried to sleep, often about the atrocities he had done not only to RedGrave but to the world in general, so he never really bothered to try to rest up in years. Yet now, he felt like he was in a drunken daze, everything felt surreal, like life cannot be this peaceful.

"Vergil..." a gentle hand on his shoulder pulled out of his train of thoughts. There you stood,a black sweater and a pair of gray sweatpants in hands, offering them to him. "...I don't really know if these will fit you, but hopefully they will. You can use my bathroom if you want more privacy." and with that the warmth disappeared as you sat back down in front of your TV and continued to play your game.

Vergil slowly lifted himself up from your bed, trying to shoo the cats off of himself. While he knew you had seen him half naked once before due to an incident, he didn't  want to make you uncomfortable.

"It's okay to change here too. No need to push yourself too hard." The blue devil could have sworn you were reading his mind just now if he didn't know any better. You have to be some sort of witch to know this much about his way of thinking and to occupy his mind for this long. Reluctantly he took off his coat and vest, and laid them down on your night stand. He was in the middle of unbuckling his belt when he heard rustling beside him, then once again your frame was right in front of him near the closet. You had taken his clothes and put them on a hanger.

"You sleep with socks on? I have some really fluffy pairs that will warm your feet up since this room can get quite chilly."

"There's no need for you to lend me such unnecessary items."

"Hm? You wear your boots without socks?"

"That is not what I said nor implied."

"Mhm, sure boss man." your giggles were nice, it could melt off any tension that was ever in his body. "So...no socks?"

"No need..." he sighed as he slipped off his boots, then pants in haste. The material of the sweater was soft against his rougher fingers. There was no way that it belonged to you, it must have been gifted or something because it would've been far too big on you.

"I once bought that for Dante, then I realized it would go to waste since he just doesn't wear things like that, so I kept it for myself, but you can have it if you'd like!" you chimed, once again smashing away on your buttons. The music in the game picked up as a bossfight began. Vergil tried to climb back in your bed after he put on every article of clothing without disturbing you, yet when he was almost settled you groaned loudly and put your controller down beside you. 

Silence began to set in. The only things that could be heard were the title screen of the game and your cats soft purrings as they inched closer to Vergil. The atmosphere was once again calming like the first time he sat down, but now he has a fresh set of clothes on and was buried under your two toned gray comforter, yet now somehow he felt an itch in his mind. When will you head to bed? He has only ever seen you in your pajamas when you showed up that one time in the kitchen at noon for a cup of coffee. Even then he just saw you briefly as he strolled by. Do you usually head to bed later into the earliest time of the day? Or do you ever sleep?

"Does the noise bother you?"

"No."

"Can I start a stream on youtube then? I can only sleep with some noise." Vergil stayed silent while he inspected as you scrolled through your YouTube recommendations to find an appropriate video. He was contemplating on what to say or rather ask you. He alway had been a man who spoke with well chosen words, and  right now he didn't know if he thought he didn't care enough for your emotions to question you about the matter or if he didn't want to put you into an even more sour mood.

" Has something upset you?" he ultimately decided to ask, resulting in a surprised expression on your face when you faced him.

"It’s kinda-, Well…I died in the bossfight, and I really don't feel like playing anymore." setting down the remote, you stretched.

"I see." he began to pet your lighter cat, Tofu, who fell asleep on his chest. Distant water splashed and the warm bathroom light now seeped into the room from underneath your door, then you emerged. Vergil looked at your digital clock on your wall in the same sleepy daze as he was in before, noticing that you were gone for exactly ten minutes. His eyes followed your every movement taking in your elegant gestures. Your face now appeared to be glowing, and you smelled slightly different than you usually do. You sat down in front of your mirror checking out your own skin on your cheeks and chin, before you pulled a bottle of lotion out of your vanity cupboard. The scent alone was enough for the blue devil to realize this is what made you smell the way you always did. Vergil was no expert in these kinds of things, but for him it matched your personality perfectly. It had a slightly spicy base, but some sweet undertones. You massaged the substance on your arms and legs, giving extra attention to your knees and elbows.

Your voice traveled in his ears and stayed in his mind. He recognised this tune, you hummed every once in a while when you were in a peaceful place, this meant you were no longer upset about your loss in the videogame. This melody pushed and pushed the bad thought right out of his head and filled him with an unfamiliar warmth he never felt. Vergil knew he was just right about to succumb to the sleep he oh-so desperately needed, yet he took one more glance at your calm form, he wished he could feel this content once he woke up in your room. 

Just about one and a half hours after arriving at your room to give you a heads up, the older son of Sprada welcomed the sweet slumber in.

[ticklishraspberries]

Stronger (Dipper/Wendy)

Summary: Now that they’re older, Dipper can hold his own against Wendy. (Got an anonymous prompt that wanted some aged-up Wendy and Dipper, so here it is! This fic takes place post-canon, when they would be in their early twenties. I did originally plan to post this on the show’s anniversary, but life got in the way of me finishing it in time, so here it is now, lol. Enjoy!)

That first summer in Gravity Falls had changed Dipper’s life forever. From the age of twelve, he knew that the old, small, and odd town in Oregon was where he belonged. And he had been right. Now twenty-two, he and Mabel had returned and decided to settle in the same place that they had promised one another that they would never allow themselves to grow apart.

Mabel and Pacifica were living together in a pretty little cottage they had fixed up in town, and Mabel gushed non-stop about it all, which Dipper pretended to be annoyed by, but he secretly couldn’t be more pleased to see his sister so happy.

Dipper and Wendy had never lost contact, and that childhood crush had never faded. The only difference was that Wendy had begun to reciprocate it, as a two-year age-gap held a lot less weight when you were both in your early twenties.

Having spent so much of their childhoods in fear, Dipper was just grateful for things to be peaceful. Well, as peaceful as Gravity Falls could get, at least.

It was a cloudy morning when Dipper awoke next to Wendy in bed, having been together for a year, however it felt more like an eternity. In fact, Dipper could hardly remember a time where he didn’t love Wendy. It felt like such a distant memory, certainly more than just ten years.

Red hair spilled over her freckled shoulders, and he couldn’t help but lay there and watch her breathe. He should have known that peaceful moments were rare while in Wendy’s presence, though, because it wasn’t long until her eyes had fluttered open, and her face twisted into a sleepy smile.

“Morning, stalker,” she said.

Dipper felt his face turn red, still easy to fluster as ever. “Good morning,” he replied nevertheless.

Wendy sat up in bed, and Dipper still couldn’t believe how immediately alert she was in the mornings. Perhaps it came from all that survival training her father had forced her to complete, which had conditioned her to rise with the sun.

While he was distracted, marveling at the fact that she could be so awake before coffee, she pushed the sheets off of her body and clambered on top of his legs, grinning down at him.

“Got a staring problem?” she asked.

“I wasn’t staring,” he replied. “I was just…admiring.”

That made her chuckle, and Dipper couldn’t help but smile at the sound.

Wendy leaned down, bringing her face close to his. Dipper, expecting a kiss, closed his eyes and leaned in, only to be startled when her hands latched onto his sides and squeezed, making him shriek in surprise. Being straddled meant that he could only wriggle so much, leaving him helpless beneath her touch.

“No, wait—!”

“What am I waiting for?” Wendy asked, nonchalant as ever.

Dipper huffed, attempting to hold back his giggles and failing miserably. It was so completely unfair that she not only functioned so well in the mornings, but it was also unfair that she had grown up with three younger brothers to wrestle with, giving her a significant advantage against him, who only had a twin sister who had always managed to beat him.

When they were younger, all the way back to that first summer in Gravity Falls, when his gigantic crush on Wendy Corduroy formed, she had tickled him a few times after Mabel had ratted out his worst spots, but he had never struck back, knowing she would have him begging for mercy in seconds if he tried. It might have been worth it, to hear her laugh. Lately though, he heard it every day.

Her fingers scribbled at his stomach and sides, making laughter pour from his lips like a waterfall, seemingly never-ending. But Dipper wasn’t a kid anymore, and he had learned over the past few years of craziness to stand up for himself and to fight back. Sure, in much more dire, life-threatening situations, but still, the moral still counted.

With a newfound bout of strength, he took Wendy by the hips and managed to roll them both over, catching her off guard and making her yelp. Breathless and grinning triumphantly, Dipper hovered over her with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Oh, well, would you look at the time? We should probably get up,” Wendy attempted, but the smile already curling on her lips proved that she knew she was about to get a taste of her own medicine.

“You’re not getting out of this that easily,” Dipper replied, and before she could say anything else, he started tickling her ribs in earnest.

Wendy’s laugh was beautiful. It was loud, unapologetic, and just so totally her. If he hadn’t been on a very important mission, he may have melted at the sound.

“You see, I’m not so weak anymore,” he said. “So I can actually fight back.”

With those words, he unleashed a flurry of staccato pokes to her midriff, over her stomach, sides, and ribs, causing her to flail wildly beneath him in a new fit of laughter. 

His victory was short-lived, however, as one of Wendy’s arms shot out and smacked into the side of his head, not quite hard enough to cause a substantial amount of pain, but certainly enough to startle him, making him cry out and topple to the side.

Wendy scrambled after him. “Are you okay? I’m sorry!”

Dipper began to laugh, nodding to ease her worries. “I’m fine, I’m fine.”

Once she got confirmation that she hadn’t hurt or upset him, Wendy laughed too.

Mornings in Gravity Falls were always filled with laughter, whether it was him and Mabel cackling over Grunkle Stan’s stories all those years ago, or him and Wendy starting their day with a tickle fight. It was the place that Dipper was happiest, and he wouldn’t change that for the world.