#also 'i think the great conductor should kill you' has been stuck in my mind for weeks so im glad i could finally share it with you all

[technikki]

i think these two should try to blow each other up looney tunes style

[donnerpartyofone]

tagged by @moviesludge so this totally gratuitous info dump is his fault! Har har.

Do you make your bed? Sometimes! We usually just smooth out the covers, just so it's easy to get in at night and not all tangled up. I have a lot of just, executive and mechanical problems with maintenance and cleaning. I actually like having things neat and I like the monotony of cleaning, I have a fantasy life in which I'm just straight up a housewife, but I'm really bad at it. It causes me a lot of grief.

Fave number? 2! From when I was really little I had this sense that two was coming up all the time; obviously this must have been some sort of projection, but it stuck with me. I perceived some sort of subtext about being number two in life somehow, like being good but not meaningfully great at anything, which is fairly neurotic but typical of me as a kid. Anyway I was very disappointed when I learned by accident that Adam Levine has "222" tattooed on his arm, so I guess I won't be doing anything like that!

What’s your job? I guess I have to say I'm a writer, which feels embarrassing. If you say something like that, it sounds like you are succeeding at it, or that you at least make a living that way! Which is not, and may never be true. But it's the only thing anyone will pay me for right now. I have to admit that I feel pretty bad about this, I think I made a huge mistake by trying to see what I could do with my life, and not devoting absolutely all of my energy to finding and keeping a job in a cubicle or behind a cash register. Everyone automatically tells you it's best to "follow your dreams" or whatever but it's not very romantic to have no idea what's going to happen to you, and to be in danger because you're a fucking infant who doesn't know how life works.

Go back to school? Probably not. I was a good student up until I got into college, then I completely fell apart. Part of it was what I now understand are neurological issues, part of it was that I was so depressed I couldn't even get up and go to exams at times, and part of it was that I just had absolutely no idea what to do with my life or even HOW people do things with their lives (I still don't). Like I almost should have just done another four years in high school, or until I had some mental grasp of what college is even for, as a tool for transitioning into real life. The irony is that now I do college-level (possibly even grad level, sometimes) research and writing all the time, under my own power, just because I'm interested and I have a few outlets for it. My professors who struggled to get me to do anything would kill me if they could see what I'm doing now, haha. But if I were to go back to school, I would have to have an absolutely definite plan of why and what to do with it, that would make the debt and the time sink worth it. I admire people who do this, though, I do know adults who totally turned their lives around that way. I just don't have the brains for that.

Can you parallel park? I don't have a driver's license! I learned to drive, and I seem to recall being good at this during lessons. But I failed my one test, I genuinely think the conductor was being really confusing and getting angry with me--like, I was waiting at a light and when it turned green I started to go, and she goes, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!" and I said "I stopped at the red light and when it turned green I drove in the direction you told me to" and she goes "...WELL DID YOU *NOTICE* THAT IT TURNED GREEN???" which was a totally mindblowing question. And then I just felt so demoralized that I never tested again. But I also really think that if I got my license I would be dead by now, or someone else would be. I'm just so extremely nervous and absent-minded, and I also have pretty bad spacial understanding.

Job you had that would surprise people? My first job was working in a perfume factory! Or really it was like a plant that packaged these extremely toxic dollar store perfumes. It was run by a Russian family who were totally fucking insane and the machines were all janky, it was just a handful of us girls from high school working there and it's amazing none of us ever got maimed. The glue for the labels was really shitty, so they would set pallets of bottles out in the sun until they were blazing hot and then we were supposed to roll them between our palms to stick the labels back on. It was extremely painful and I remember thinking, they probably shouldn't be allowed to make us do this lol. The building was tucked back off the road across this wasteland, and there was a giant pile of broken toilets out front. I'll never forget that, I wish I had a photo.

Aliens real? You know what, I'm going to completely plagiarize moviesludge's answer because I find it so satisfying: "I feel like the scope of the universe makes this a certainty and it amazes me how many people think it’s a ridiculous idea. Talk about main character syndrome!" And I will just add that I read Whitley Strieber's Communion for the first time last year and it totally stunned me. I thought I knew what it was going to be like, because to some degree it established all of our cliches about alien abduction, but there's way more to it than that. He has this existential concept about what aliens even are, and what rules they obey, that is not at all restricted to the idea of animals that drive machines around. It's totally worth reading.

Can you drive stick? That's how I learned actually! And I have this concept that if I did have to drive I would be decent at it because I was fairly comfortable during lessons, and for years I have been riding my bike in really tricky situations all over the city. I know and obey the rules and I have a pretty good awareness of myself on the road. And also I always seem to be paired with a best friend or partner who LOVES to drive and I have spent huge amounts of time in cars, paying close attention and helping navigate. But as I said above, my brain is also garbage and I think if I drove a LOT and gave myself regular opportunities to get in trouble, I would inevitably have a nervous breakdown and/or fuck up way worse than a normal person.

Guilty pleasure? I'm with @thechurchofsplatterdaysaintssplatterdaysaints in that I sort of object to this concept. But I also spend a lot of time watching absolute shit movies and television, and some of the time I have an excuse--it's fun, it's anthropologically interesting, whatever--but a lot of the time I'm literally just deadening my senses because I'm so overloaded with depression and anxiety, and I'm not even paying attention, the TV is just ON. I don't think that's great. I don't know if I would call this "pleasure" but it is some form of indulgence.

Tattoos? A bunch! It's hard to explain but I kind of used them as a form of exposure therapy. I have struggled with some kind of phobia of doing anything that you can never change or take back, and getting tattoos helped. And I like them, I like most of mine. There's only two I'm really not crazy about, but they don't upset me that much, they have their good points too.

Fave color? Mainly red. Also orange and yellow and black. I kind of hate blue, my enjoyment of blue is highly conditional.

Fave type of music? In this phase of my life I generically prefer experimental or ambient music with no lyrics or vocals. This can span a lot of eras and genres.

Do you like puzzles? Maybe I would if I did them and I might find it therapeutic. Generally speaking I feel too stupid for them; like one thing I like about the original Resident Evil 4 is that the puzzle aspect of it is so primitive, it's almost in there just to check a box in between button-mashing violence. That's more my speed of game entertainment.

Phobias? Hm I'm afraid of lots of things, but as far as a proper phobia that's irrational: I have these fantasies of things exploding, like just shattering for no reason and being incredibly destructive. Like common household objects or whatever. And I have a lot of intrusive thoughts about people around me suddenly turning into psychotic monsters (monster can be literal or figurative) and I just can't find a rational defense reaction. But these are not true phobias in the sense of being a real, controlling force in my decision-making, I don't think they're really going to affect me. I really enjoy that thing about how trypohobia is not a real phobia because no one has to be treated for it in order to effectively navigate their life. It's just a dislike, and a pretty normal and understandable one. People on the internet have a lot of trouble telling the difference between things like phobias, moral objections, and just stuff that they don't like!

Favorite childhood sport? I was and am a total loser who can't do sports, but I guess the answer is karate. I took a year or two of that at a really great place sometime when I was 10-12, I really enjoyed the repetitive discipline of it and I was good at that kind of slow and steady, strength-based thing. I could say that I stopped because my mom was dying and that sapped my motivation, but I actually think the truth is that I was getting to the point where sparring was more a part of it, and I'm not fast or spontaneous and I don't like when people touch me, so I knew I was never going to test out of my last belt and I might not enjoy it as much as I advanced. I still think about doing another martial art, though. I think it might help me pay attention to my physical health, and get out of my head and into my body, and maybe it would also help me learn not to be so afraid of human contact. I need to pick something that's decent for people who are short and squat, though. Everyone always tells you there's no rule that says certain forms are suited to certain body types, it's all about integrity and commitment and building ability, but I really don't think that's true! (Let me know if you have opinions on this)

Talk to yourself? Yeah. Living in the city for a long time bred the habit of talking to myself like an absolute crazy person right out on the street when I'm not doing well; it's like, everyone else is acting crazy, who fucking cares! But I'll also talk to myself when I'm alone in the house just because I like words and making sounds and telling jokes. I have no problem with the stigma of talking to oneself.

Movies you adore? So many. Movies are my whole life. How do I pick, I don't know! Some recent ones I had to write about are UZUMAKI, DELICATESSEN, SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES, and DELLAMORTE DELLAMORE which might literally be my favorite movie of all time, although I have a problem with that concept.

Coffee or Tea? Mostly coffee, there's less action/decision-making involved. But I like tea also. Some of my favorites are licorice, anything with cinnamon, and also savory toasted grain teas.

1st thing you wanted to be when grew up? I wanted to be a screenwriter. I liked movies and my dad is a writer, and it just seemed obvious. But I never learned anything about the discipline of it or the professional trajectory. And I was really poisoned by the whole "you can be anything you want!" idea, I feel terrible for saying that when so many people get zero support or faith from adults in childhood, but it's true. I heard and believed that blanket statement, but I didn't have the clarity or mental toughness to specialize and understand the meaning and implications of having a goal. It was just like, oh I could be a writer, or I could be an artist, or I could be in the movies, or blah blah blah I guess one of these things will just land on my head some day. I had no fucking clue, I still don't. It's hopeless! But you wanna know what's really weird, when I was little I also had this strange fixation on being in the army--but I had zero fantasies about combat or anything exciting, it was entirely this idea about being really good at boot camp, being able to endure any form of punishment. And I had a similar concept about JAIL, I remember reading this children's photo book that explained all about prison, and I think it was just this whole fantasy about having intensely disciplined obedience and being able to endure anything! I still think I'm going to jail some day but it's just because I feel so guilty about everything. Obviously the main conclusion to be drawn from this is that I am a natural born pervert.

tagging @hechiceria @sleepsafe @columbosunday @clarabeau @barnsburntdownnow @punisheddonjuan

[myriadnarratives]

Netflix’s Shadow and Bone: My Fangirling Thought-dump

Fair Warning: I’m a darklina, so leave now if you’re not going to be decent (I don’t bash on Mal, though, so you’re safe there)

So I binged Shadow and Bone without reading the books (judgmental people, leave now), and let me tell you, I love the show. True, there were some things I wish were different based on what I’ve been spoiled on about the books, but as a show in and of itself, it’s strong.

So here’s just a dump of my thoughts and fangirling (I use *chef’s kiss* a lot). And obviously, spoilers ahead.

***SPOILERS AHEAD***

WHAT I LOVED

- The storytelling, both narrative and visual, is exquisite. How the dialogue contributes to the storytelling, answering the audience’s questions and doubts clearly even before they’re brought up; how the visual arrangement contributes to informing the audience of what they need to know and how that timeline of knowing helps the audience in piecing together the story, the characterization, and the timeline; the tying in of characters’ storylines so audiences are not confused as to why we’re spending so much time watching the goings-on with a character. *super chef’s kiss*

The show is so organically unified in terms of characterization, visual media, dialogue contribution, and so much more that I just, uh, I cannot even! I LOVE THE ART OF IT!

- How the show dealt with race, identity, prejudice, politics, social acceptance, individual needs, personal wants, the desire for security and safety that mean differently for each character *raises both hands to the heavens in thanks* The show’s concepts hit close to home for me in terms of race, prejudice, mixed biological identity that informs social perceptions, the desire for belonging and safety and acceptance, and I think this show would hold a special place in my heart for its portrayal of these issues.

- How different sexualities and genders are portrayed so casually, as if it’s an everyday normal thing (as it should be).

- The Crows (of course) and how their story intersected with Alina’s, and how the storytelling (I’ll keep going on about the visual storytelling until I run out of breath) shows the intersections and develops the diverging stories to meld into each other

- How they showed how brilliant Kaz’s mind is. The visual storytelling of showing one scene without explanation, leading the audience to create their own assumptions on what Kaz was seeing, then having the scene turn out different once it has been explained later when things have unfolded *chef’s kiss*: the meeting between the Conductor and the First Army General, the hidden changing room, the lynx flush assignments 

- How Inej’s faith is portrayed neither negatively or positively; it’s just a thing that is not contrived but contributes to the plot, not some sort of moral policing inside or outside of the story.

- Mal! I heard he’s a jerk in the books, that’s why I didn’t want to read the books before watching the show. But god, his first scenes with the sparring, and the way Archie moved in that fight. Also how Mal’s overall storyline progressed, how his ties to Alina was shown, how his feelings got revealed to the audience even before it got revealed to Alina so the sincerity is not questioned. That True North thing! *heart eyes*

- How the issue of consent in the sexual sense is highlighted as important. The darkling literally asks “Are you sure?” before he proceeds. (Of course, this is very different from his take on non-sexual consent later in the show - like really, you literally put a control button on your hand to control her powers! Dude...)

- The exploration of Alina’s overall consent and agency. They even literally have her say her lack of it when she was in the final episodes. Even Kaz shoves it in the Darkling’s face that she doesn’t want to be a captive anymore. And throughout the show, the thought processes behind her decisions are clearly communicated, giving her agency a lot more weight as the audience can understand and sympathize with her decisions. And she’s not just a “victim” of the story; she pushes the story along with her actions, from her decision to burn the maps so that she could come with Mal, to her childhood decision to cheat the Grisha test, to something as visually simple (yet strongly narrative-affecting) as choosing the left or right path in Baghra’s escape route.

- The exploration of want. What each character wants, how one want like “security” could mean an entirely different thing for each character (i.e. the Darkling’s want of security for the Grisha, Alina’s want of security for herself, Inej’s want of security in the form of freedom, etc.). The show, being well-written, is a smorgasbord of academic analysis. Again, if I haven’t said it yet, I LOVE THE ART OF IT!

- NINA!!! God, I really like how the actress looks! There’s just something about her face that I really, really like. And then there’s Nina’s lines, the delivery, the attitude *chef’s kiss* One caveat though: I wish she wasn’t made to say “Please” when she was hanging off the ice ledge. Even though she had already warmed up to Matthias (and him to her), I would have wanted the scene to be a clash of his pride and her dignity: just like in the ship earlier, her not submitting even to his kindness (sincere or otherwise), and him having a moral crisis on helping a “witch.”

- Genya’s hand-to-hand fight *absolutely beautiful*

- The overall fight choreographies. It’s not just people punching each other and brawling; the jiu-jitsu locks and judo throws hold a special place in my practitioner’s heart, and the fights look really good, either it be for the women (Hello, Genya and Inej) or the men (Mal and Aleksander’s fight looked so different from usual brawls because of the throws).

- How the different Grishas, even the usually non-combat ones, can weaponize their abilities: Healers can, obviously, break bones; Heartrenders can stop your heart; and even the Sun Summoner can blind you.

- Jesper and Milo the goat. “Grab the goat. Hug the goat. Shut the fuck up.” And how Jesper tearfully parted with Milo LOL

- How Alina just climbed right into the get away carriage’s literal trunk. LOL!

- Kaz and the Darkling meeting. I know it’s not in the books (they’re not even in the same trilogy/duology), so having these two characters with so much gravitas meet and actually verbally spar is *chef’s kiss* 

- Inej’s first kill is to save Kaz *heart eyes*

- The Darkling’s humor! “Yes, David?” and “I’ll have to give that speech again” were hilarious!

Of course, there’s many more, generally because of how they contribute to, again, the visual and narrative storytelling and the characterizations and the plot progression and, ugh, I'll stop now or else I'll just keep going on about how much I love how this show was crafted.

NEUTRAL

- I heard that Alina was supposed to be funny in the books, but apart from the “No pressure” and “My tailbone is killing me” lines, there wasn’t really much of that humor in there--most of the humor came from Jesper’s scenes or Mal’s friends. Honestly, I think the show Alina fits the story, so I don’t really care if her humor is not as evident.

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE

- Gosh, Netflix and the showrunners really know how to market the show. They were right when they said the first step is to cast Ben Barnes. Then the focus on the General/Darkling and Alina’s story and relationship, that sort of dark and brooding archetype getting with the green and pure protagonist, is so delicious. But of course, endgame is not meant to be. The Darkling is a manipulative, controlling, toxic person, and should be nowhere near Alina if not on equal ground. I just wish they didn't put that much focus on it in the marketing (i.e. the extra clips distributed to media sources) to make it seem like darklina could happen, especially with the story changes the show was reportedly doing. Oh well, that’s what fanfiction is for. And I guess there’s a chance for redemption in the following season? *puts on clown nose*

MY QUESTIONS AND...WISHES?

So since the show has changed the story quite a bit from the books, I'm so stoked to see where the characters’ stories lead to. I’m sure there would be similarities to the books (Nikolai and Weylan would show up, for sure), but there would be a lot of changes, I'm sure (Alina’s a Saint now, so how would that affect her life on the run and her relationship with Mal? There’s no great reveal for Aleksander’s name, so perhaps he doesn’t die? At least not that way?).

- I wish we’d see more of that internal/thought connection the Darkling and Alina seemed to have. And I wish they’d highlight further the idea of balancing, of being the only two in the world, and of how each needs/complements the other in terms of power. I just really wish they’d explore more darklina, and perhaps have it open to have a darklina ending (I’m not holding my breath for that one at all, but hey, membership to clownverse is free). At the very least, would there be a change in the Darkling’s ending (does he get stuck in the tree)? Does he get a redemption arc? Would he utter the “I do not repent” line? Would Alina and him have the shared connection, I-can-see-you-even-if-you’re-far-away bond? Would Alina somehow forgive him (hopefully only if he has changed and is not controlling and toxic anymore)? Would Alina and him have a showdown as he tries to expand the fold and she tries to close it? He has command of even the volcra now, so what would that mean for Alina’s side? Does she get an army, too? Maybe there’d be creatures of light, too? Perhaps other animal amplifiers?

- Now that Mal and Alina have more or less confessed to each other and ended up together, what would be the next hurdle in their relationship? They can’t just stay static, after all, otherwise the story of their relationship won’t be a good narrative. Season 1 touched on Mal’s fear of the Grisha (with Alina literally asking him out loud), so perhaps as Alina’s powers grow, Mal’s discomfort with her powers would show more (I hope the show doesn’t make Alina do a Slip-into-the-Darkside trope, or at least not too much to the detriment of her agency and core characterization)? Or perhaps going from that conversation with the Darkling and Mal, when Aleksander seemed to have gotten under Mal’s skin when he pointed out that due to their immortality, Aleks and Alina are endgame: maybe Mal would have that rivalry with the Darkling again and, considering Alina’s kind of psychic bond to Aleks (if they add that in), would feel that Alina might choose the Darkling in the end? I just hope the characters aren’t reduced to stereotypes of 1-girl-2-guys-and-girl-can’t-choose love triangle. Even season 1 explicitly had Alina cut off ties with Mal first (because she mistakenly thought he didn’t want anything to do with her anymore since he’s not replying to her letters) before she went to the Darkling romantically.

- What’s next for the Crows? Would Inej eventually go to Sankta Alina? Perhaps the Ice Court heist is next for the Crows. Nikolai has to show up some time, right? How would that tie in with Alina’s storyline?

I have a lot of other questions on what happens to the characters and the overall story, and I'm really glad that the show has diverged from the books to an extent that a lot of things could be possible. I hope Season 2 does happen, and I hope it’s as good as Season 1, especially since COVID is still happening and filming and filming options are limited. If Season 2 does happen, I hope it gets release soon :P

[welcometothepenumbra]

SECOND CITADEL – THE HALLOWED HALLS OF HELICOID (PART TWO)

SOUND: RAIN. TRAIN ARRIVES, CREAKS TO A STOP. DOOR CLANKS OPEN.

CONDUCTOR: Ah, good evening, Traveler. And welcome… to The Penumbra.

SOUND: DOOR CLANKS SHUT.

Take your seat, please, take your seat.

SOUND: TRAIN MOVING.

MUSIC: STARTS.

The junction lies ahead, so if you’ll allow me just a moment.

SOUND: TRAIN WHISTLE.

We are now approaching Fort Terminus.

SOUND: TRAIN BRAKES.

Our next stop?

The Hallowed Halls of Helicoid.

SOUND: DOOR CLANKS OPEN, RAIN.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

BAILIFFS (MUFFLED): (FADING IN) Nothing over here, your Horror! Nor here, your Circuitousness! Most horrible Judge Helicoid, I’ve found the hu– ah, nevermind. That’s another bit of rug!

TALFRYN: (QUIETLY) He’s not leaving! Come on, Talfryn, you have to do something, think! (DEEP BREATH) Okay. Okay, okay. Uh, what would Sir Marc say? Uh… “C’mon, Tal, you’re afraid of one measly little house-sized snail? I could slay it with Dampierre’s eyes closed!”

Ohhhh, that’s not helping!

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (YELLS)

TALFRYN: Oh no!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Sir Damien!

Release him from your bubbling grasp, slime-beast! If you’ve harmed my greatest friend and rival, I swear—

JUDGE (MUFFLED): I’m not doing anything. Now, tell him to stop bellyaching, would you? He’s horribly close to my ear.

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (LAUGHS) The tapestries! Saint Damien above, I’ve made sense of them! Ha-HA! At last, the world’s returned to order!

JUDGE (MUFFLED): Your priorities are astonishing, human.

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): You are a false prophet, snail! These tapestries show Sage Helicoid clearly, and he is a human! A very old man with a ceremonial helmet and a long, flowing cloak, carrying a spiral shield.

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Hm. Where is that? I don’t see it.

TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) Oh, it’s okay; Sir Damien’s okay. But I have to get out of here.

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) It’s… it’s right there, Sir Angelo, how can you not?

JUDGE (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) That? Looks more like a snail to me.

TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) Sir Marc would tell me to look at everything available to me.

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) It’s an old man!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) I could see it either way, to be honest.

TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) So, I’ve got—

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) What?!

JUDGE (MUFFLED): (OVER THE BELOW) Well—

TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) …my spear. And my armor is out there, and…

JUDGE (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) —the snail’s foot is like a robe, you see.

ANGELO (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) Oh, I like that!

TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) —my pack, probably surrounded by little slimy things by now.

ANGELO (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) And the ceremonial helm’s horns are his eye stalks! Very thick ones…

TALFRYN: (OVER THE ABOVE) (GROANS)

JUDGE (MUFFLED): (OVER THE BELOW) Mm, it takes all kinds, man, it takes all kinds.

TALFRYN: (OVER THE ABOVE) I’m so thirsty, I wish I didn’t leave my backflask…

BAILIFF (MUFFLED): Your Horror! I’ve found him!

TALFRYN: (GASPS)

JUDGE (MUFFLED): > You are pointing at me, Bailiff.

BAILIFF (MUFFLED): Is… is that not who we were lookin’ for, your Circuitousness?

JUDGE (MUFFLED): (GROWLS) The human! The human. Go and find him!

TALFRYN: Okay. I’ve got… this wall! And… these pipes in the wall. And… beyond those, some thick glass-like stuff leading to… water.

We’re underwater. We’re under the Terminus, aren’t we? Oh no, oh no…!

SOUND: HEAVY SCRAPING.

BAILIFF (MUFFLED): Your Horror! This time I’ve found him!

JUDGE (MUFFLED): Bailiff, that is not a human! It is a wall! Don’t call me until you have found a human, because I am very busy! (GRUMBLES) It’s clearly a snail!

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): The tapestries show an old man!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): I agree with you on that point, Sir Damien. They show—

BAILIFF (MUFFLED): (OVER THE BELOW) I’ll just check on my own, then.

ANGELO (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) —both a snail and a man! It is one of those optical delusions.

SOUND: GRUNTS, SCRAPING.

JUDGE (MUFFLED): Illusions.

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Thank you! It’s one of those illusions delusions.

TALFRYN: Spear, gotta get my spear, gotta get my—

BAILIFF: Bailiffs! Bailiffs! This wall is talking!

TALFRYN: Oh no!

BAILIFF: And now it’s saying “oh no!” And— (GASPS) The human!

TAL: (YELLS)

SOUND: SQUELCH.

BAILIFF: And now it’s got a pointy stick goes right through my belly.

SOUND: RUSTLING.

TALFRYN: Give my spear back!

BAILIFF: No! You give it to me!

SOUND: GRUNTS.

BAILIFFS (MUFFLED): (OVERLAPPING) What’s that? A human? Disgusting! Ooh, that looks fun! Beat him, Bailiff! Beat him!

JUDGE (DISTANT): Hmmm? What’s that, now?

BAILIFF: I said let go! (GRUNTS)

TALFRYN: No! You let go! (GRUNTS)

SOUND: BREAKING GLASS. BUBBLING WATER.

BAILIFF: Now look what you did! Your silly stick’s stuck a hole in the… wall.

Uh-oh.

SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.

BAILIFFS: (OVERLAPPING, OVER THE BELOW) What’s that? Oh no! I don’t know how to swim! (YELLS)

JUDGE: (OVER THE ABOVE) Bailiffs! I say, my bailiffs are being washed away!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): You’ve flushed them, Talfryn! Genius! The door is clear, now; you can run back up to the surface and get the salt!

TALFRYN: (PANTING) Okay. Now I just have to… take care of the big one. And—

ANGELO (MUFFLED): And then you slay this evil snail!

TALFRYN: Yeah. That. (GULPS)

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): Where is he? What is he doing?!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Perhaps he’s… not convinced by the salt?

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): He had better be. With all respect for the tracking profession, Talfryn, a great, great many authorities before you have agreed that salt kills snails. And at the moment I’d rather trust centuries of wisdom over one reluctant tracker!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Talfryn, please! Strength in unity! A knight must prize all voices!

JUDGE (MUFFLED): I have grown rather tired of all these voices myself. (DEEP BREATH)

SOUND: BUBBLES.

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Oh! Ooooh! Now what is that– oh! That strange feeling?

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): Suction, Sir Angelo! The slime is sucking us in!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Wh– whoa– whoaaaaaaa!

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): Taaaaaaalfryyyyyn!

SOUND: SCHLORP.

JUDGE: Yes, ye– hmm, well! I think that’s more like it. (CHUCKLES)

TALFRYN: (PANTING)

JUDGE: Well now, well now – without your rapscallion friends to lead the way, you aren’t nearly so bold, are you? I should say not, ha hem, hm, ha, not at all. But… mmmm.

It is my profession to lead ways, you know. To give guidance – excuse me, rather, to communicate guidance from the uuuUUuUuniverse – in situations where individuals cannot sort it for themselves. Hmm? I can speak to a power greater than us. Ask it where your place is. And then, all you need to do is: follow. Do as I tell you, and then it will be all over. So. What say you?

TALFRYN: (WHISPERING) If I run for the door, he’ll get me. If I don’t run, he’ll get them.

JUDGE: I should warn you that your friends will drown if you wait much longer.

TALFRYN: (CALLING) Alright! Alright, I’m… coming out.

JUDGE: (CHUCKLES) And you won’t try anything tricky now, mmm?

TALFRYN: N– never!

JUDGE: That’s a good lad. Come out, I say. Come out!

TALFRYN: Three, two, one!

SOUND: SCRAPE, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, PANTING.

JUDGE: Haaa ha-ha! I knew you would run! (SNORTS, SPITS) The door is blocked, and you are trapped, you small-minded, unimpressive, dry—

Oh, well, you didn’t run for the door, did you?

TALFRYN: N-nope! I ran for this! My backflask!

SOUND: WATER SPRAYING.

JUDGE: (YELPING)

TALFRYN: Ha! I knew it! Fresh water will… uh-oh!

JUDGE: (BIG SNORT, SPITS)

TALFRYN: Wuh!

SOUND: SPRAYING WATER.

JUDGE: (YELLS)

TALFRYN: No more spitballs, or I’ll keep spraying!

JUDGE: Curse you! My divine face, I say, my divine face has been swollen!

TALFRYN: And I’m sorry I did that. But you have to let my friends breathe, or else… or else I’ll swell it up even more! And you won’t like it!

JUDGE: (GROWLS, STRAINING)

SOUND: BUBBLING. GASPS.

DAMIEN: (PANTING) The snail’s skin… is shifting! I can breathe!

ANGELO: (STRAINING) Keep at it, Talfryn! Now you just have to get the salt!

TALFRYN: Salt won’t work. We already tried it.

ANGELO: Well, have we perhaps tried more salt?

TALFRYN: We did! All that water that flooded in here was seawater from the Terminus! But the Judge here didn’t bat an eye-stalk!

Because you’re not a land snail at all! You’re a sea slug! And now you have to let my friends go, because—

JUDGE: (BIG GASP) I beg your pardon! Slander! Slander, I say! Everyone knows that the mighty Judge Helicoid is a snail. Why else would I live in this great big shell?

ANGELO: It looked more like a tower to me.

JUDGE: And—! Water, harming a sea creature! How preposterous! (LAUGHS)

TALFRYN: Not just any water! Fresh water! Because basically! It’s called osmosis! Your internal fluids are really heavily saltwater, uh, that’s, so all the water doesn’t rush out of you in the ocean, ‘cause it kind of tries to balance… but anyway, your skin just sort of lets water in and out whenever it wants, so the water on the outside filters into your skin really fast to try and dilute the salty—

JUDGE: Flim-flam! Tommyrot! Stuff and nonsense! Also, I didn’t understand a word of it.

DAMIEN: Genius, Talfryn! What incredible reasoning! Your mind has won the day.

TALFRYN: Oh! Thank you!

DAMIEN: And more importantly, you’ve proved once and for all that Sage Helicoid is not a snail!

JUDGE: Fine, then. I’m a slug. And those pictures on the tapestries are all of a slug! Me! Judge Helicoid!

ANGELO: Mmm, no, I’m afraid there we disagree, slug. That is definitely either a snail, or an old man.

DAMIEN: It is just an old man!

JUDGE: Well then, how do you account for the strange protrusions on his shield?

TALFRYN: Stop!

SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.

JUDGE: Ooooh! What was that for?

TALFRYN: Stop pretending to be our friend and distracting us and listen to me! I told you to let them go!

JUDGE: After this conversation.

TALFRYN: No! Right now, because this is what you do! You lie, and brag, and put on a big show to distract us, and then you get us when we aren’t ready! That’s why you’ve let Sir Angelo talk to me this whole time…

ANGELO: Because he respected me as an unlicensed educator!

TALFRYN: …so you could always tell what I was going to do next!

ANGELO: Oh.

DAMIEN: He’s not a sage. He isn’t even a snail! He’s just a performer. (SPITS) A second-rate performer!

JUDGE: (GASPS) Second rate! How dare you—

SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.

(GASPS) Oh, uh, please, uh, don’t spray me… with that, again, alright, h-here you go. (STRAINING)

SOUND: BUBBLING. TWO POPS, THUDS.

TALFRYN: There. You guys are free. Now we’ve just got to see what he knows and leave.

JUDGE: Ha! If you think it will be that easy to—

SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.

(YELLS, SPLUTTERS) I think you’ve grown a bit too attached to that spraying-device.

TALFRYN: Who are you? First you’re pretending to be this Spiral Sage guy, then a snail? What’s all this for?

JUDGE: Do you perhaps mean, ‘why would I impersonate a long-dead snail of near-infinite power who all monsters listen to without question?’

Because it seems to me that answer is clear, hm hm.

DAMIEN: Human.

JUDGE: Snail.

DAMIEN: Human!

TALFRYN: That’s not all! You said you had orders to guard this gate. Who gave you orders?

JUDGE: I told you, the uuuUUUuUuniverse—

SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.

(YELPS) Fine, fine! The Senate. The Senate placed me here!

TALFRYN: The monsters have… a Senate? Like the First Citadel?

DAMIEN: That’s impossible! Monsters organizing, conducting a society like– like humans? Blasphemy!

JUDGE: We speak, do we not? We think. We argue. And if we are to ensure our freedoms are protected, we must have a means of enforcing them. So, we vote. Some monsters choose to cluster in families or societies; there is a tree west of here, filled with ten thousand chipmooks, who all must unanimously agree on one vote. Then, there are the solitary beasts, like that… ugh, lizard and his house. Not that he’s voted in decades, the six-limbed scoundrel.

DAMIEN: A lizard? A six-limbed lizard?

ANGELO: Now, Sir Damien, let’s not get too excited right away. He could have four legs. Or six legs. Or five arms and no legs, if a snake’s tail is a form of leg, or—

JUDGE: Four arms, two legs.

ANGELO: Begads, that’s just the lizard we’re after!

DAMIEN: Do you know where the fiend is? Sly slug, tell us immediately!

JUDGE: Somewhere in this building, if he isn’t dead already.

DAMIEN: If he isn’t– what did you say?

JUDGE: He’s been found guilty of treason and sentenced to this fortress, from whence they’re likely to throw him over the edge of the world.

DAMIEN: Thrown over the edge… he is a monster, but… oh Saints, how grisly…

TALFRYN: Was there a woman with him? A human woman?

JUDGE: Not with him, but… (GAGS) A situation too disgusting to speak of. Her trial concludes with the dawn. She’s in our holding-cells at present, along with that pugnacious friend of hers.

ANGELO: I knew Sir Caroline would save her!

DAMIEN: Thrown over the edge of the world… down the Terminus falls… down and down and…

JUDGE: But all is not lost, gentlemen; I say, it is not too late for you to have your woman and your lizard.

ANGELO: Slay the lizard, actually.

JUDGE: Yes, well, perhaps do that before you get her, for, uh… blugh, good… reasons. You will find the monster in this very fortress, deep beneath the Terminus. You will find the woman back beneath my courthouse, where she is held.

TALFRYN: You’re being really cooperative suddenly.

JUDGE: Well, my boy, what else can I do? If I am indirect, I get the spray; if I lie, it’s the spray once more. And if I avoid the spray, well, perhaps that’s because… I would… like to survive this. I’m… well, I daresay I’m quite afraid for my life at this moment.

DAMIEN: He lies as all monsters do, Talfryn. Slay him.

TALFRYN: But—

ANGELO: I’m afraid I agree with Sir Damien, my pupil. A call for mercy is to be respected, but when its caller has proven so unrepentant…

TALFRYN: I… I…

DAMIEN: For your Citadel. This is what it means to be a knight.

ANGELO: It is not easy, my young friend. But it grows easier with time.

TALFRYN: (QUIETLY) I don’t want it to get easier.

JUDGE: What was that?

TALFRYN: I said…

You told us the truth about Rilla and the lizard? You swear?

JUDGE: I have too much at stake to lie, my boy. Far too much.

TALFRYN: Then go. Leave!

DAMIEN: Talfryn!

ANGELO: Do not act rashly now, my pupil; the monster is—

TALFRYN: My monster! I beat him! I saved you! So I get to decide!

And you can’t pretend to be the Judge anymore, okay, slug! You have to go back into the Terminus, or wherever you came from. And you just have to be a big slug again. A big slug who doesn’t hurt anybody! Okay?

JUDGE: Of course. I cannot thank you more, my boy. I will chart my own course now.

TALFRYN: You’d better, or someone will come back with even more fresh water. Seriously!

JUDGE: Thank you, thank you! I say one thousand times thank you.

SOUND: HEAVY CREAKING, SQUELCHES. CLANK.

Gentlemen.

DAMIEN & ANGELO: (GRUNT)

SOUND: CLANKS & CREAKS, THUD, CLANKS.

TALFRYN: (SIGHS) It’s over.

DAMIEN: Indeed. Failure, too, is an ending.

ANGELO: I- do hope your instincts prove true, Talfryn. We have let monsters go in recent days, but this… seems riskier.

TALFRYN: Well… if we had just killed him to start like you guys wanted, we never would have learned that Rilla and the lizard-monster are already here! We’d just be walking back into the swamp and we’d never find Rilla at all.

SOUND: SQUISHES.

DAMIEN: That noise… Does anyone else hear that?

TALFRYN: So, yeah! Maybe I can do this! Maybe I can be a-a new kind of knight—

SOUND: BUBBLING.

—one who doesn’t kill monsters, who only hunts for food or to protect the jungle, and��

JUDGE: Protect yourself first, boy.

ANGELO: Talfryn, behind you!

JUDGE: (BIG SNORT)

TALFRYN: (SCREAMS)

SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.

(PANTS)

SOUND: STRETCHING.

JUDGE: (GURGLES)

Uh oh.

SOUND: BIG POP. WET SPLAT.

ANGELO: (AFTER A PAUSE) Talfryn. That was…

DAMIEN: Disgusting. Harrowing. Rancid beyond comprehension.

ANGELO: Amazing!! (LAUGHS)

TALFRYN: (YELPS)

ANGELO: You did it! You did it, my pupil, and I couldn’t be more proud! Did you see his reflexes, Sir Damien?

DAMIEN: Very impressive.

ANGELO: And that shot! Unbelievable! You have the makings of a great knight, young Talfryn!

TALFRYN: Let go of me!

ANGELO: What?

TALFRYN: I said don’t touch me, okay?

ANGELO: Talfryn, I… I understand these jitters. But that monster broke his word and tried to kill you; he was undoubtedly evil.

DAMIEN: As they all are.

ANGELO: I can’t say that. What of the crocodile-hound?

TALFRYN: Stop.

DAMIEN: What of it? We didn’t observe what it did with its freedom, did we? Our failure to kill it has likely visited misery on many more humans already. It was a moment of weakness, Sir Angelo.

TALFRYN: I said stop.

ANGELO: The situation may have been unclear, Sir Damien, but a knight knows what’s best in his heart.

DAMIEN: Do we? In an era of heart-twisting monsters, can we?

TALFRYN: Just shut up already! You aren’t listening! You’re just waiting until everyone else is quiet and then talking about your own problems!

DAMIEN: …Oh my.

TALFRYN: I don’t care whether the Judge was a good monster or a bad monster! I said I didn’t want to kill him, and then I killed him, and I didn’t want to!

ANGELO: But you had to, friend—

TALFRYN: I’m not talking about had to! I didn’t want to! I never wanted to, and now I did and I feel like I’m gonna be sick, okay? (HEAVY BREATHING)

ANGELO: Young Talfryn, I—

TALFRYN: And another thing! I’m older than you, Sir Angelo. I have more experience than you. And you might be really, really good at killing monsters, but right now we’re just trying not to die in a monster’s den, and you don’t know what you’re talking about, so… so… so… maybe the people who talk the most shouldn’t say we should listen to everyone equally when it’s someone! Else’s! Turn!

I’m gonna go sit down over there now!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

DAMIEN: That was… quite clear.

I’m going to see if I can make sense of those tapestries. Perhaps some quiet… contemplation is in order.

ANGELO: Still? You’ve been quietly contemplating for days, Sir Damien.

DAMIEN: Yes, well, things have become… rather complicated, haven’t they? (CHUCKLES) A government of monsters… individual interests, rights, representation? Could those be lies too, my friend? When does one concede that one has cast aside so much as falsehood that the world itself has become… a mirage? The reality not meeting what we choose to see?

ANGELO: I understood not a lick of that, Sir Damien. But I would say that if you worry you don’t understand everything, well I can’t say I do, either. But I listen when others tell me I am wrong, and I learn.

Well, I thought I did. Perhaps I don’t understand that, either.

DAMIEN: Yes… perhaps that is wisest… surround oneself with those wiser, and worry not beyond the scope they set. That is the essence of faith, is it not? To… believe. No matter what obstacles present themselves.

(SIGHS) And I must believe the real Sage Helicoid must have been human. I must believe that monsters are evil, for much wiser men than I have said so, and for hundreds of years.

ANGELO: But… what of the beasts we’ve seen on our journey, my friend? What of the evidence of your eyes? Or your heart?

DAMIEN: My heart… well, that must be because…

I don’t know, Sir Angelo. I don’t know.

But the answer must be in these halls. It must be. And then my faith will be restored, and the world will be as it always was. It has to be. It has to.

ANGELO: Very well, then. I shall talk to young– I shall talk to our compatriot.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

Talfryn. May I sit?

TALFRYN: (MOANS)

ANGELO: My friend, I owe you an apology. I was overzealous today. I just thought… well, I thought that without your brother, you might be… in need of guidance. Adrift, perhaps.

TALFRYN: Yeah, well, maybe! Maybe I do feel adrift! And maybe I wouldn’t if everyone would just let me drift for a minute until I undrift myself, okay! (SIGHS) I’m sorry, Sir Angelo, that’s not fair. I just…

ANGELO: It’s alright, my friend.

TALFRYN (MUFFLED): I don’t know if I want to be a knight.

ANGELO: What’s that?

TALFRYN: I said, (MUFFLED) I don’t know if I want to be a knight.

ANGELO: Yes, well, I heard that part, but I assumed that I must be mistake– great Saints on high, man, you don’t want to be a knight?!

TALFRYN: (MOANS)

ANGELO: I didn’t know there existed a single human being that didn’t want to be a knight.

TALFRYN: Even the Queen?

ANGELO: I thought she must have aimed for knighthood and overshot a bit.

TALFRYN: Ah.

ANGELO: Well… aha! Then I’ve got just the solution, friend. If you don’t want to be a knight, then don’t be a knight! It’s that simple. And the day is saved!

TALFRYN: No, I… don’t know if I want to be a knight. And I don’t know if I don’t want to be one, either. I just…

Marc’s been working at it so hard and so long. I don’t want to let him down. I don’t know how not to let him down. And I don’t know what I want besides that.

ANGELO: I see… a far more challenging puzzle. Well, you see, Talfryn, you might… uh, that is, you could… just give me a moment, Talfryn, and Sir Angelo the Strong will have the answer.

TALFRYN: Y’know, Sir Angelo… sometimes when people talk, they don’t want you to solve their problems. Sometimes they just want to know you’re listening.

ANGELO: Then I shall listen more attentively than ever! And I shall update you every third sentence to ensure you…

That is more difficult than it sounds, isn’t it?

TALFRYN: Yeah. Yeah.

ANGELO: Mmm. Well. I will work on that.

And though I have known you but a short time, my friend, I am thrilled to see what you will become. I have no idea what it is, but… I am certain it will be grand.

TALFRYN: Thanks—

ANGELO: And also probably outside.

TALFRYN: Yeah, that’s accurate.

Thanks, friend.

ANGELO: It is my pleasure, friend.

Hm. Do you know where Sir Damien went, by the way? I don’t see him anywhere.

TALFRYN: Uh… nope; I don’t see him.

ANGELO: Is this the sort of problem I should not solve, or…?

TALFRYN: Nope, we should do something about that.

ANGELO: I suspected so.

TALFRYN: (CALLING, OVER THE BELOW) Sir Damien? Sir Damien? Sir Damien!

ANGELO: (CALLING, OVER THE ABOVE) Damien? Best friend and rival to Sir Angelo? Damien?

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

CAROLINE: (FADING IN) …completely ridiculous, that’s why!

RILLA: Ridiculous? So you want me to stay out here and get smashed as soon as another set of guards comes by?

CAROLINE: Better that than being torn apart by the lizard-beast!

RILLA: He is not going to tear me apart!

QUANYII: Now, ladies, please. Why are we fighting?

No really, why are we fighting? I got bored and stopped listening.

RILLA: The monsters aren’t going to let us just hang out here. So if we want to make it out alive, someone needs to stand lookout.

CAROLINE: And someone needs to go get the lizard.

RILLA: You’re just going to kill him.

CAROLINE: And you’re going to– well I don’t know what you’re going to do, but I don’t trust it.

QUANYII: Oh, is that all? My sillies, why there’s just such an easy answer. I’ll just—

RILLA & CAROLINE: (IN UNISON) You are not going in there!

QUANYII: Rude.

CAROLINE: You’re more likely to tear the lizard to pieces than I am. Make a soup out of him or something.

QUANYII: Ugh! I am not some chef!

RILLA: A goblin that spits soup, then.

QUANYII: Oh, yes. I quite like that idea.

CAROLINE: You also have a habit of disappearing and reappearing. It would be foolish to trust you with guard duty. You’d get bored and vanish off somewhere more exciting.

QUANYII: Guilty as charged! Well, then there is one other way I can help, at least.

Hmmm, now how will we compromise?

CAROLINE: Compromise.

QUANYII: Oh, it’s all the rage with the monsters: a system by which nobody gets what they want and everybody just resents everybody else! Very diplomatic.

CAROLINE: I know what a compromise is! (SIGHS) No. I’ve already learned one lesson today, thank you, and now I think I’ll have what I want. This is my mission, and I’ve earned the right to slay that lizard.

RILLA: Well, I have unfinished business with him.

CAROLINE: What business?

RILLA: I think someone who’s so dead-set on nobody asking about her past doesn’t really get to demand I tell her mine.

CAROLINE: Hmph. Fine. Witch. What compromise did you have in mind?

QUANYII: How about… (GASPS) That’s it!

RILLA: What’s it?

QUANYII: Our compromise will be this: Rilla will go in there first, and you’ll have your talk with the lizard and learn everything you can.

CAROLINE: How is that a compro—

QUANYII: But! We’ll all decide on a time limit together first; and once that’s up, you’ll just scurry right back here and then cranky and I will go in and take what we like from your scaly friend. Does that seem fair?

CAROLINE: No.

But I’m willing to tolerate it.

QUANYII: Rilla?

RILLA: I… uh…

QUANYII: And I’d suggest you take the compromise, or we might have to go to a vote. And I think you know which side I’m voting for.

RILLA: …Fine.

CAROLINE: Good. Now, how long do we think is fair?

RILLA: An hour.

CAROLINE: Two minutes.

QUANYII: And I vote for negative two minutes, so when you average that all together you get… twenty minutes!

RILLA: (OVER THE BELOW) That’s all?

CAROLINE: (OVER THE ABOVE) That long?

QUANYII: That’s compromise for you. Twenty minutes to ask your questions, and then you come right back here.

RILLA: But I—

QUANYII: And we’re agreed, so your time starts… now!

CAROLINE: Have fun, Rilla. Don’t make me come looking for you.

RILLA: I won’t.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. RECORDER STARTS.

Research log, entry… (SIGHS) Who am I kidding? This hasn’t been a research log in weeks.

MUSIC: STARTS.

(SIGHS) I… don’t know what I’m going to do, to be honest. I’m in the hall just before Lord Arum’s cell, and– if he’s still in it.

And if he is, what then? Twenty minutes to help him escape, when it took us the better part of a day to get down here? And even if I do help him escape, what then? Treason, and Damien, and… this feeling.

Things are so much more confusing than they used to be. I miss how simple things were, but… I can’t go back. Not knowing what I know now, knowing how much danger we’re all in, knowing how little of the world I actually understand, but…

I love my life. And, I love my Damien, and…

How are you supposed to make the huge and beautiful and terrifying new world you’ve stumbled into… play nice with your home? With everything you love? I don’t… know. I hope… I have time to find the answer.

Saints, this is a long hallway. End of—

SOUND: DISTANT GASP.

What was that?!

ARUM (DISTANT): You?

MUSIC: ENDS.

DAMIEN (DISTANT): You… I can’t believe it’s really—

ARUM (DISTANT): (SIGHS) Of course it would be you. What an end to a truly catastrophic adventure. (SNORTS) I never should have left the Keep.

RILLA: That can’t be.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

DAMIEN (DISTANT): I thought you were dead. He told me, the monster; I thought you were… and I lived it, oh I lived it a thousand times in a second’s space! And how can this moment’s truth be but a droplet in that endless, churning sea I’ve drowned in—

ARUM (DISTANT): Oh, stop it. If you plan to kill me, you’ll get no sympathy. I’m sorry if that hurts your “feelings,” tktktktktktktktk.

DAMIEN (DISTANT): Kill you? But… I…

ARUM (DISTANT): Your knife is drawn, honeysuckle.

SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS.

I’m a monster, not an idiot.

SOUND: BANG.

RILLA: Damien, stop!

DAMIEN: Rilla! My– my Rilla, it’s you! You’re really here, you’re—

You’re the reason I must kill this lizard, of– of course. Oh Saint Damien above, take no more of your tranquility from me… if the sight of those violet eyes is enough for me to forget my purpose, what chance do I have?

RILLA: Please, Damien. Don’t hurt him. We… I… (SIGHS) It’s so complicated. It’s all just… really complicated right now.

ARUM: I’ll say.

Hello, Amaryllis. I take it you know this knight who threatens my life?

RILLA: I do. He’s… my fiancé. My family.

DAMIEN: And this devil is your kidnapper. I will slay him. Were you truly Rilla, you would know that. An illusion, of course, you must be, but- then is that possible? I would know you anywhere, but I must slay him, it is my duty to my Citadel and to my love, that is the way of the world, I must—

ARUM: Oh, hurry along, will you? I can’t stand another second of this performance!

RILLA: Arum, stop egging him on!

DAMIEN: Aaarum… you know the creature’s name.

RILLA: I do. Damien—

DAMIEN: You say it like a friend.

RILLA: Damien, please…

DAMIEN: No, not friend. Perhaps the long-sought music of your voice deceives me, but is that… do I not hear…?

Oh, Saint Damien above, what hells must I endure before you will forgive me? What have I done, what have I done…?

RILLA: Damien. I’m safe; it’s okay. You have nothing to worry about.

DAMIEN: HA! Nothing to worry about!

ARUM: Amaryllis, this is not helping—!

SOUND: SCHING.

RILLA: Damien, stop!

DAMIEN: I’ve drawn no blood.

I am tranquil at last, Rilla. I am thinking clearly.

RILLA: No, you aren’t. You’re a wreck, Damien. You look like you’ve barely slept; you need to breathe, and think. You need to put down that knife.

DAMIEN: I will not.

Yes, yes, I think clearly; I am tranquil, now. I can see the challenges that have been placed before me and I can see, too, how they have led me to this moment. I can see it all for what it truly is: illusion.

ARUM: Oh, please.

DAMIEN: Those violet eyes… their magic corrupts all. They make a knight stray from his course, make him question his divine purpose. Brew the sweetest venom in the chambers of his heart. And if they can affect the heart, the very seat of the soul, then why not twist my eyes, as well?

You’ve made me see things.

RILLA: See things like what, Damien?

DAMIEN: Those tapestries. Those are your illusions, aren’t they, lizard? Lies of humans and monsters living together, lying together. Deceptions all… and so is she. You’ve used her as an illusion against me before, why not now?

ARUM: It would take a lot more than shriekweed for an illusion that convincing, honeysuckle.

RILLA: Think about it, Damien. Think about if you have any proof.

DAMIEN: I am tranquil! I think clear enough, and speak only what I know to be true: the world has order. It has always made sense, and so it must make sense. And if your arrival came just as sense began to crumble? You, monster, must be the cause. And if that is true, then you must die!

RILLA: Damien? Don’t move. I’m coming over there.

DAMIEN: No, you are not.

Sit down, please. Whether you be human or illusion, please: sit. I think clearly; I am tranquil now, and in my tranquility I trust in the revealing power of truth to place all things in their proper order.

ARUM: Oh, spare me—

SOUND: SCHING.

(CHOKES)

RILLA: Damien!

DAMIEN: Now, I am tranquil. And in my tranquility I know what I must do.

(DEEP BREATH) I will fulfill my duty – and cut this lizard’s throat.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

SOUND: TRAIN MOVING, MUSIC.

CONDUCTOR: If you’ve enjoyed this tale, please consider donating to The Penumbra on Patreon. Our artists work tirelessly to bring you these stories, and if you have the means, we hope you will support our efforts. Every dollar helps. You can find that page at patreon.com/thepenumbrapodcast. If you support us on Patreon at the $10 level or higher, you’ll receive access to commentary tracks like this one, from actors Leslie Drescher, Melissa Ennulat, Melissa DeJesus, and co-creator Sophie Kaner:

SOUND: TRAIN STOPS, DOOR SLIDES OPEN, RAIN.

MELISSA D: …ly like I get really anxious about, taking on new characters, who knew? Haha—

SOUNDS: GIGGLES.

LESLIE: Also why I think I’m—

MELISSA D: Yeah, one of the ways that I prep is I made myself a Spotify playlist of like—

SOPHIE: Oh my god—

MELISSA D: Y’know, get in the Quanyii headspace—

SOPHIE: Oh my—

MELISSA E: You must share this, and immediately.

SOPHIE: Yes, what is on it.

MELISSA D: Um, like a lot of of it is showtunes—

MELISSA E & SOPHIE: YAAAAAAS!

MELISSA E: My life!

SOPHIE: No it’s so good—

MELISSA D: I’m a huge Lea Salonga fan—

SOUND: GASP.

MELISSA E: YAAAAAS!

SOPHIE: Yaaaaaas!

MELISSA D: Also she’s Filipino, and I’m Filipino, and it’s like a big thing for me, emotionally—

SOPHIE: Oh she’s perfect.

MELISSA E: She’s amazing in every way…

SOUND: DOOR SLIDES SHUT.

CONDUCTOR: You can also support The Penumbra by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter @thepenumbrapod, following us on Tumblr @thepenumbrapodcast, telling your friends about us, telling your friends to tell their friends about us, and especially by rating and reviewing our podcast on iTunes. Every rating, comment, and kind word spreads our stories further and inspires us to keep creating more and better tales to come.

We would like to give special thanks to all who support us on Patreon, but especially to Minchowski, Aurora Cyr, Demi Prince, Camille Blanton, Ota Arcana, Christine Kim, Rowan Collins, Garrett M, Jay Iannuzzelli, Karin Z-H, Fiona Parker, Regan, Ko, Kim Zeugin, Atha Lang, Charlie Spiegel, and Jaimie Gunter for their incredibly generous contributions per episode. Thank you.

Did you know that The Penumbra has merchandise for sale? It’s true! The Penumbra has partnered with DFTBA to bring you the posters, shirts, and pins your heart desires. Just go to dftba.com and search for The Penumbra Podcast.

This tale, the Hallowed Halls of Helicoid, was told by the following people: Melissa Ennulat as Rilla, Leslie Drescher as Sir Caroline, Melissa De Jesus as Quanyii, Jason Mellin as Talfryn, M Sutherland as Sir Angelo, Matthew Zahnzinger as Sir Damien, Glenn Moore as Judge Helicoid, Stuart Evan Smith as Porcus, Michael Underhill as Trotter, and Kate Jones as the Bailiff.

If you wish to know more about our ever-expanding, infinitely-creative team of artists, musicians, editors, designers, and managers, you can read about them in the show notes of this episode.

I’m afraid this is the end of the line for today, dear Traveler. We hope you will ride with The Penumbra again soon.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

[seesgood]

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY OF MY LOVES ARE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS? no? cool well ya’ll are about to find out .and BELIEVE ME when i tell you that you should follow the shit out of all of these guys. if you haven’t already. and if you haven’t, what are you doing you’re so missing out!!! 

@bloodmirrored ; @keeperofhumanity ; @1000liveslived ; @dissolvedshadows ; @wulfking ; @oddyssea ; @peaceific ; @grcdy ; @beaniesandmachetes ; @cordeliakomskaikru / @rainkilled ; @roaming-agent ; @motherbuilt ; @lead-pencilskirt ; @sterxid ; @scarredesmeralda

alright this time i got smart and am listing in alphabetical order so it’s easier for ya’ll to find your little love blurb: 

@1000liveslived --- so i know i was later than most people to hop onto the ‘holy shit jess is literally one of the most incredible humans’ bandwagon but i’m here. and i have my little conductors hat. and we gon fuck some shit up with love alright? but you know i love you. let’s talk about how much i love emma. emma is realistic. and dynamic. and she breaks your god damn heart as much as she makes it soar. emma, to me, feels like the kind of character that could exist in real life. she has flaws, she has strength, she has this lingering air of reality about her that not many people can bring to an oc. and tbh all of your ocs are like that and i love them all so much. they’re such unique characters and i love them more than anything.

@beaniesandmachetes --- ok so i know you’re technically not on jake as much anymore but tbh this is the blog where i first fell in love with everything about your blogs. for starters, your writing is to die for, writing with you has always been one of my favorite things. i love all the little details you put into jake and how you make him stand out among other ocs and other blogs that use jared as a fc. and while we’re at it, let’s talk about jared as a fc bc like honestly once in awhile an oc will come along where the fc is honestly just PERFECT and it makes the character and drives everything and tbh i can’t imagine jake with any other fc. jared is perfect. every last minute detail ( which i’m sure you’ve thought through bc you’re just that attuned to your characters and i love it ) is perfection. seriously i am deathly terrified of zombies but like your blog would make me try and watch twd again. which is a big thing, ok? bc i’m literally terrified of zombies.

@bloodmirrored --- icb i’m literally mentioning you on all of these ffs everyone’s gonna know i’m trash for you. but you have 800 blogs and i can’t tag them all so i’m just gonna tag this one especially and give @reapcriisms a shout out bc fuck man i love aleksei but ok anyway let’s talk about the sweetmeadows: bc i. love. them. so. freaking. much. you’ve made such a wonderful, organic, and believable contrast between the twins. where i don’t think they could exist in a verse where the other one doesn’t. as stand alone characters, they’re phenomenal, but when you put them together it’s like this magic just happens and you get to this whole other level of understanding and quality and overall perfection and i’ve told you before and i’ll tell you again that you honestly do develop some of the best ocs i’ve seen. like you have 800 of them.

@cordeliakomskaikru / @rainkilled --- le sigh. i’m mentioning both of them under one little paragraph bc i don’t wanna seem unfair but i feel like you should know by now that i could go on about your muses for 1800 days. seriously though. i’ve never met anyone who could have the kind of muse range that you do. like all of your muses, be them canon or oc, have different voices and mannerisms and none of them bleed together ( which tbh i feel like is super hard to do idk how you do this ) and i honestly forgot ( like legitimately ) that cordelia and peter weren’t “canon” like i got super confused when the trailer came out and i was like what an outrage where is cordelia i am going to riot oh shit wait she’s not technically in this show whatthefuck basically though, everytime i think i can’t love you more, you go and do something else that makes me love you more. just stop. my heart will explode. and i will die.

@dissolvedshadows --- throwback to those like 6 months where i did nothing but stalk your blog and constantly hover over the follow button and debate whether or not i should just go for it bc i was like ‘well shit if they don’t follow me back imma die’ BUT YOU DID AND HERE YOU ARE and skdjfsdkjlfh wow ok lets talk about caleb and ana. i am a sucker for characters who have two seemingly contrasting characteristics but somehow it works. like case in point, the thousand year old terrifying pretty much all powerful immortal demon who can’t figure out how to google things and ana the badass ‘could probably kill a man with boots and look fab doing it’ but who also i feel like just kinda needs someone to love her ( coughconnorcough ) and it takes someone with serious writing chops to pull that off, which --- hello, it’s you. it’s literally always gonna be you. i don’t think i’ll ever be able to accurately describe how much i adore you. but it’s a lot. a whole lot.

@grcdy --- !!!! JURASSIC WORLD OC !!!! like honestly i don’t know why the whole world doesn’t follow you for just that reason alone? which yes, would do you a total injustice bc you are so much more than just a jurassic world oc BUT YOU’RE A JURASSIC WORLD OC but ok, fangirling about your amazing oc making decisions aside, can we all please collectively appreciate bella? please? because girl is fuckin fantastic. like strong and smart and tough and incredible and badass and all around just a wonderful character that should have existed in the movie ( and now does, in my mind, thanks. ) and i just like, you guys. jurassic world. original character. plus great writing. plus and even better mun. plus just a great fucking character there are no drawbacks.

@keeperofhumanity --- i know you’re not as active on z anymore which tbh i think is a tragedy because of all of your characters ( which are all awesome ) z has always had such a soft spot in my heart. not only have you managed to make a character that is totally and completely badass without going over the top and in your face about it and making it hard to write with, but you’ve managed to weave in this incredibly soft and tender side of her. very few people can do that with the amount of finesse that you’ve managed to. and yes, no matter what blog you’re on you’re an incredible writer and an incredible human, but fucking hell ash you literally mined gold when it came to zandra. she’s incredible. like you.

@lead-pencilskirt --- emma aka the biggest sweetheart of an oc ever to be made aka the love of my life aka idk how you made her this amazing and how you yourself are this amazing but holy shit it’s like the holy grail of rp blogs. like writing with emma feels breezy. chemistry is natural, writing is fun, our threads are kinda just a nice break to be able to reply to. i love well developed ocs that feel like they could super easily just step out of the rp world and into the real world and we would never know the difference and emma i feel like fits that mold to a perfect t.

@motherbuilt --- and here we have another one of those oc’s where i have to literally remind myself that she’s not “canon” because she’s so canon it hurts. honestly i swear i don’t know how you do it or how you’ve made her this true to life and fit her in so well to the t100 universe but you’ve struck gold, okay? because lou feels like a part of that universe. she feels like she belongs with the other characters. and the whole idea of this scared kid who is gonna have a baby on the ground where they’re all probably gonna die? it’s freaking genius. plus lou herself is just all sorts of tough and badass and inspiring but also has this soft side and she’s so loyal and i love her to death. and i love all of our threads so freaking much.

@oddyssea --- okay but you literally took like one of my favorite tropes ( the bantery treasure hunting guy ) and made him better. and you gave him an accent. and you developed tf out of him to the point where i’ll be like psh nice try indiana jones but karter kane coulda done all that and looked better doing it ( which is hard to do, i mean we’re talking about young harrison ford here okay? ) but alright like, not only is karter an incredible oc but he’s one of those muses that i just love reading things for. i love all of your threads, even the ones that don’t even involve me in any way shape or form. you made an oc that’s fun to read and fun to write with and is just all around a great character. fuck man i could go on and on about how incredible he is and i probably will for the next billion years bc you’re stuck with me ( and care ) for at least that long 

@peaceific --- when i first followed you i honestly had to like refrain myself from getting giddy everytime you expressed an interest in writing with me. because you have been and always will be one of THOSE blogs. like the blogs that just radiate in the quality vibe. everything about noah and your blog and your writing and theme and everything is so perfectly matched and formatted and organized, i envy it. and even beyond that, noah is a fucking incredible character. like the most original idea for a character i’ve seen in my time here. i can’t get enough of writing with you. i can’t get enough of talking to you. i just wish i could constantly force you to bask in that kind of love day in and day out until you were like ‘damn ok i get it we’re loved’ 

@roaming-agent --- my girl. caroline’s girl. literally like i feel like you me and lissa need to make some kind of charlie’s angels verse with these three bc that’s totally the vibe i get from them. honestly though i just really love taylor. there’s something about her that’s really innocent and sweet despite the fact that i am fully aware that she is a not so secret badass at heart. she feels so real, and i love the development you’ve done with her and how you’ve expertly woven her into frank and joe’s lives and stories and it just brings new life and new levels and new angles to everything. plus, you’re literally one of the best people to talk to and write with like you’re such a freaking sweetheart idek how to deal with it.

@scarredesmeralda --- alright so we haven’t written yet and we’ve only been following one another for a little bit but already i know i’m gonna love you. because not only do you have a great fucking oc who you’ve managed to adapt to so many different verses ( which is no easy feat, i know ) but you are just like the nicest person ever. you’re like a mama lion protecting her cubs and i love that you’re so bold about what you believe in, i love talking to you, i cannot wait to write with you and explore different verses and muse chemistry and just see how things go. i give you all of the applause because you deserve it.

@sterxid --- ok but will i ever flail enough about how much i adore you and your blog? probably not. but we’re gonna keep trying until you get sick of hearing it. the first time i fell in love with your blog, i fell in love with one of your promos and honestly it was so gorgeous and simplistic and i just had to follow you because i needed more of that kind of quality on my dash. and you did not disappoint. not even for one second. every edit you make has this raw, simplistic, but gorgeous quality that is so aesthetically appealing and it’s all backed by this fantastically developed and written character. i swear lik everything about your blog is so downright gorgeous that i don’t even know how to properly express how much i love it except to flail over you constantly. so that’s what i’m gonna do.

@wulfking --- the god damn love of my life. i’ve told you a lot about how incredible alex is but now i’m just gonna tell you again bc you definitely don’t hear it enough: alex is incredible. you have put so much thought not only into the character you’re writing but into the world around him, his species, his family, his background, his mannerisms that he could ( and should ) be a real canon character somewhere. only i feel like even that would do him a disservice because he is so beyond the constraints of any canon anywhere. you write alex with a kind of adoration and love and skill that i could never hope to have and that a lot of us i think could never really hope to have. you’re just a natural born creative mind and a talented writer and you inspire me on the daily.

[canaryatlaw]

Alright, I'm gonna try to make this quick because I'm really fucking tired but we'll see. So, today. Guess what?? I'm fucking exhausted and I feel like I can't get my mind to stop going a million fucking miles an hour. I'm definitely going to end up discussing this with my psychiatrist next month when I go home. Ugh. I'm so sick of this shit. But anyway. Alarm went off at 11:10 and I got up and got ready, and went to school like the good little schoolchild I am. LARC was fine, more interesting than some of the other classes of it because we were talking about oral arguments since we're gonna have to do one of those soon (sigh). I'm gonna have to get started on the motion and memo that's due next week tomorrow since I'm gonna end up in mock trial land for all of next weekend. Lovely. But it shouldn't be too bad hopefully, I think I have a pretty good grasp of what I need to write, so it should be alright. After class I went right to th library to print out an extra copy of the updated version of my direct for mock trial. Since we were scrimmaging the other half of our own team tonight our coach was playing all the witnesses and she needed a copy of the answers we wanted of course, and I'm not totally memorized on them because I've still been moving around questions and shit like that, so I needed a copy as well. Got that done, dropped my bag in the PAD office and ran off to do a very abbreviated gym run. I left school around 2:55, and the scrimmage started at 4:30, and we were supposed to be set up and ready to go at that point. So I run down the street to the bus, by the time I get to the gym it's like 3:10 so I work out till like 3:50, mostly just doing the machines and not getting on the exercise bike. I was trying to do the abdominals more without overdoing it again and I think I did okay with it though I did feel a little iffy about it afterwards it's mostly gone away so I think I'm alright. By 3:50 I headed out and hopped on the bus back, stopping to have a conversation with the homeless girl that's down at the corner of Michigan avenue sometimes and has all this cool artwork she's done all the time, we've spoken a few times and she's pretty nice. Get back to school, grab my stuff from the PAD office and head up to the classroom we're scrimmaging in. Our coach ends up being a few minutes late (train delay) and then one of the prosecution people got stuck doing something for work (she works for the school, so they can't really fault her for that). But we ended up getting started after not too long, motions in limine went very well actually now that I actually knew what I was doing, although we'd later see some confusion as to what exactly the ruling was on the damn text messages. It's really annoying because the problem has a bunch of stipulations on certain evidence getting admitted which would NEVER get admitted in any court room but needs to be for the problem, so it's like I can't make this argument really but I still want to show that I know how to make it but it's also futile so ??? It's really fucking annoying, lol. But we got past those, I gave the opening perfect from memory, stumbled over a few words but was very notably telling myself to slow down, and it was still too fast I know but it was an improvement at least. I just talk way too fucking fast, really. We had a guy who graduated last year (with our coach) as our guest judge, and he was fairly amused by the whole thing and the idiosyncrasies of the problem and how ridiculous they really are. I had to slip out for a few minutes at 5:30 to attend the PAD e-board meeting, just to be like "yeah the event went well and we'll do something for next month" so that happened while the prosecution was putting on their first witness that my partner crossed. Ugh, my partner. I'm trying not to get frustrated with him because I know he doesn't know any better and that's really not his fault, but HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE'S DOING AND IT'S BAD. Like I'm such a naturally competitive person I'm always gonna want to win but I'm having to tell myself not to go into this competition gunning for first place because it's just not going to happen. I think they score us as a team of 4 too, and the girl on the prosecution side isn't half bad, but their guy is also terrible (though not quite as terrible as my partner, his cross tonight was like fucking hell man). I'm still probably gonna get overly competitive with it but I'm trying to lower my expectations at least. My cross went okay, our coach is suchhhhhhh a frustrating witness, and it's not even like she's doing all this great stuff she's just fucking impossible to get a straight answer out of and I don't think it actually helps their case any but it's just extremely frustrating, so I wasn't all that pleased with that. We went straight into the defense's case and chief, but ended up taking a short break after our first witness. The first of course is the psychologist my partner directs who's totally full of shit and we have to make him look *not* totally full of shit, which is always an interesting task. It was okay though I guess, though as I noted the cross from the prosecution on that was fucking painful (it got to the point where our coach just stopped and was like "you can't ask that question and you [my partner] need to be objecting.") Objections were a whole other mess, I was constantly prodding my partner to object and try to feed him the grounds because if he had to guess he'd just come up with the most bullshit ones that aren't actual objections at all. We took a break then though and I talked to the guest judge a bit who I must say was pretty cute, and while all the other team members and our coach were out of the room he told me I was kicking ass, so that made me happy lol. After that was my direct, which went fine other than more stupid confusion over texts. Closing was alright, I was trying to point things out to my partner to focus on but he just kind of plowed ahead with his own thing. We did notes after, which took about till 8 pm. Most of the ones I got were positive, and the criticisms were on like small things and just how to improve things, so I was pleased with that. Headed home after that, and there was some train confusion about being rerouted to different stops and the conductor was on the loudspeaker like "sorry uh, I'm just getting this info right now" (the poor old guy next to me was so confused) but we did end up stopping at my stop thankfully. I was considering getting ice cream from the shop in town because I felt like I deserved it after today, but when I walked by the line was almost out the door and I just wanted to get home and sit down, so I skipped it for now and just went to the half gallon of chocolate ice cream in my freezer. Got home and heated up some dinner and chilled out for a little bit and caught up on my tv shows. Riverdale first, which I think was my favorite episode of it so far. I continue to totally love Veronica and JUGHEAD freaking broke my heart during this episode. I watched Blindspot next, and had a moment of confusion in the first scene because for some reason I thought I turned on how to get away with murder instead haha but once the actual characters appeared on screen I of course figured it out. This episode was fantastic, Rich Dotcom (yes that's a character's name) was so fucking funny I was constantly quoting him on Twitter and the adventure plot was great too, all around A+ episode IMO, though I would've liked a little more Jane. Oh well. I think I watched Powerless after that, which seeks to be hitting its groove a bit more (or maybe I was just in a positive tv mood tonight) and I liked the episode. Finally I turned to how to get away with murder, which I continue to be very meh about because again, my favorite part of the show by far was the cases and we've gone pretty much this whole season without any real cases. Also, next week is the season finale?? Already?? There's like, so much shit they still need to wrap up its ridiculous, I feel like that's gonna be very hard to do even in a two hour season finale, not that I'm terribly invested in it this point anyway (Wes deserved better, so I can continue watching to hope justice will be done for his character in some form because God knows the writers screwed him over in killing his character off the way they did). And yeah, that about wrapped up my night. Like I said, even when trying to relax I couldn't get my brain to stop feeling like it's going a million miles an hour which makes it very hard to actually relax. Sigh. At least I can sleep in tomorrow, but hopefully not too late (I'm aiming for like, 2 pm) because I do actually have to get work done and hopefully make a grocery run for like, cocoa krispies, frozen chicken, and toilet paper (I'm not kidding, that's actually my grocery list right now). Lovely. Sigh. Sleep now. Goodnight mah people. Happy weekend.