#also 'consequences' for Raven means lots of uh

[dinrelsanddragons]

Raven would come across multiple banners with his and Linneas face on it reading “Raveej x Linea 4ever.” And yes those names are mispelled on the banner not me accidentally doing so

Raven rolled his eyes before tearing them all down. Both Gwyn and Hubert would blow gaskets if either of them saw this.

.... Maybe he should let Gwyn see one. Her idea of 'consequences' did tend to be... enjoyable, albeit exhausting.

[weirwoodking]

who do you think will be on the throne at the end? is there a chance it will be a woman? do you agree with the theory that bran will be king in the north bc he symbolizes winterfell? idk if i see dany on the throne bc i don't feel like she belongs in westeros, i think she would be better off with a throne on the other side of the narrow sea but i really don't know what i'm saying

It’s very hard to make predictions for ADOS, because we don’t have TWOW yet. So much can change about the story and the characters in one book, thematically and narratively. Think of how much the plot was influenced by just that final Bran chapter in ADWD. 

But, here I go anyway.

My short answer is: no one. (And no, I don’t mean Arya)

Let’s get into it.

Part 1: How the Show Tainted Everyone’s Brains

Obviously, a lot of people care about the Iron Throne plot. Sometimes too much. I do believe that this is mostly because of how much the HBO show changed everything about the story to make the Iron Throne seem like it was more important than anything else. Like promotional posters of all the actors each sitting on the throne, the name of the series itself being changed to “Game of Thrones”, actors getting asked in every interview “who do you think should get the Iron Throne?” as if it’s the last cupcake at a birthday party that everyone’s fighting over, the final episode was titled “The Iron Throne”. The marketing for everything was “it’s the fight for the Throne!” up through the eighth season. It made the object itself become a huge pop culture symbol.

It almost felt like the show was trying to make it seem like the goal of the Night King (a character not in the books) was to sit on the Iron Throne! The show portrayed it as if the Others were just a little distraction that needed to be dealt with so the characters could get back to arguing over the Porcupine Chair. However, in ASOIAF, it’s the exact opposite. The Porcupine Chair is what’s distracting the characters from the real conflict, the Others.

It’s almost comical how that has somewhat transferred over into the fandom, the “game of thrones” is what’s keeping everyone from focusing on what really matters, the “song of ice and fire”.

Part 2: GRRM’s Quote

It wasn't easy for me. I didn't want to give away my books. Every character has a different end. I told them who would be on the Iron Throne, and I told them some big twists like Hodor and "hold the door", and Stannis' decision to burn his daughter. We didn't get to everybody by any means.

-George R.R. Martin

So, he “told them who would be on the Iron Throne”. Something important about this quote is that he doesn’t say who. And, of course, the Iron Throne gets destroyed at the end of the show anyway. Show!Bran doesn’t really “end up on the Iron Throne”. Show!Dany does. George never said that who “ends up” on it in the books is who ends up on it in the show. He’s said that the Shireen thing and the Hodor thing will “happen very differently” in the books anyway. And, of course, another major part of that quote is “every character has a different end”.

I don’t think that who sits the Iron Throne last is necessarily going to be the ruler of Westeros at the end. For example, Cersei (or Aegon) may be the last person to sit the Iron Throne. Or even Euron (however, even though his goal is to rule post-apocalyptic Westeros as a god from the Iron Throne, I don’t think he’ll actually get there). If wildfire is hot enough to melt iron, I could see the throne being destroyed during whatever fiery shenanigans go down with Cersei and JonCon in TWOW. I think it would be fitting for the fight over the throne to end in the next book. ‘Cause the winds of winter are coming, baby, and it’s gonna be time to start dreaming of spring.

Part 3: The Weirwood King

The idea/theory of Bran becoming King has been around for a long time, long before the HBO show even started airing. This is because of the Celtic myth of King Brân the Blessed, whose name means “Blessed Crow” or “Blessed Raven” in Welsh. Other than the obvious connection with the name, Brân the Blessed’s story involves a magic cauldron that can bring the dead back to life. 

In the myth, Brân’s head is cut off and continues talking (think of how Bran’s most powerful aspect is the magical powers of his mind), because in Celtic mythology the head is believed to be where the soul is.

Celts had a reputation as head hunters. According to Paul Jacobsthal, "Amongst the Celts the human head was venerated above all else, since the head was to the Celt the soul, centre of the emotions as well as of life itself, a symbol of divinity and of the powers of the otherworld." (source)

Catch that? “Otherworld”. There is another myth (Irish, specifically) called the Voyage of Bran, in which the title character goes on a quest to the Otherworld. The Otherworld is a supernatural realm in Celtic mythology. It is also where the sidhe (a.k.a. aos sí) live. Remember, the sidhe are what George has said the Others are inspired by. In Irish mythology, the Otherworld is called Tír na nÓg, Mag Mell and Emain Ablach, in Welsh mythology it’s called Annwn, and in Arthurian legend it’s called Avalon. Fun fact, “Avalon” was the title of the novel George was writing when he had suddenly had the idea of a scene in which a young boy and his brothers see a beheading and then find a litter of direwolf pups in the snow. And so ASOIAF happened.

I’ll leave that there, and try not to go down the great big rabbit-hole of Celtic (and other cultures) mythology connections in ASOIAF. The takeaway is: ASOIAF has been influenced by these myths.

I do believe that Bran is going to be King. Not just because of his ties to this mythology, but also because of symbolism in his own story. The most notable one being…

Under the hill, the broken boy sat upon a weirwood throne, listening to whispers in the dark as ravens walked up and down his arms.

[...]

The singers made Bran a throne of his own, like the one Lord Brynden sat, white weirwood flecked with red, dead branches woven through living roots. 

[...]

His father and the black pool and the godswood faded and were gone and he was back in the cavern, the pale thick roots of his weirwood throne cradling his limbs as a mother does a child. 

- Bran III, A Dance with Dragons

Bran is also the only one of the Stark kids who still thinks of himself as royalty:

What was he now? Only Bran the broken boy, Brandon of House Stark, prince of a lost kingdom, lord of a burned castle, heir to ruins.

- Bran III, A Dance with Dragons

Bran is the heir to Winterfell. It doesn’t matter if Robb named Jon his heir in his will, the will was written under the pretense that Bran and Rickon were dead.

However, Bran doesn’t have any connection to the Iron Throne. It’s far more likely that he would sit on a weirwood throne, because of, y’know, everything about his story. So, if Bran was King of the Seven Kingdoms, I don’t think it would be on the Pincushion Stool.

If Bran is king of the realm, I do think there would still be a separate Lord/Lady of Winterfell, but I do think that there’s a possibility of a Pevensie siblings ending, where all the Stark kids would rule together as the Lords and Ladies and Winterfell.

Something that I’ve never really seen talked about regarding the idea of Bran becoming King of the Seven Kingdoms is the religious differences between the North and the southern regions of Westeros. Of course, the show didn’t deal with this at all. For fuck’s sake, they had Cersei blow up the Westerosi verison of the Vatican and face no backlash. It was so laughably absurd how Show!Cersei’s destructive reign was shown to have like… zero impact on the Seven Kingdoms. 

In short, I’m not too sure that the Kingdom who is majority Faith of the Seven worshippers would react too well to a weirwood-tree-Old-Gods-warg-wizard-king. I mean, when Janos Slynt finds out Jon is a warg he calls him a “thing”, a “creature”, and a “beastling that is not fit to live”, and wanted to execute him not just for being a turncloak but for being a warg as well. And Jojen warns Bran of these things, saying that his own folk may want to kill him if they know what he is.

But… all of that anti-magic attitude might not matter after night falls. 

Part 4: Winter is Coming

I believe that the Long Night is going to be very devastating for the Seven Kingdoms.

Martin is a big believer in making things have meaningful, permanent consequences in his stories. I don’t think that an apocalyptic event like the Long Night is something that’s just gonna get dealt with in a quick snap and have no lasting effect.

A lot of people are going to die. I don’t mean main characters, I mean people that would not survive a normal winter and sure as hell won’t be prepared for this one. Westeros’s food stores have been severely depleted by the War of the Five Kings, and we’ve been told multiple times in the text (particularly AFFC and ADWD) that feeding people during this winter is going to be extremely hard.

Besides that… the whole, uh, invasion of the eldritch ice beings thing might have a bit of an impact on the realm. 

I won’t go into depth about how the Seven Kingdoms will be affected by the Long Night, ‘cause we really have no idea. But, however it all goes down, I do think it will have lasting changes for the people of Westeros. The impact that it leaves may make the concept of Bran being a wizard-king more acceptable. “Oh, well we’ve just seen zombies and winter elves, so what’s too surprising about a magical greenseer warg king?” I think that Westerosi culture becoming more aware and accepting of the existence of magic is the only way that Bran could become the king of the whole realm. The Westeros at the end of the series is not going to be the place that it was at the beginning.

Part 5: Dany: A Home, Not a Throne

To sum up my thoughts on our dragon girl, I don’t think Dany will end up on the Spiky Toilet. I don’t want Dany to be on the Spiky Toilet.

Now, my personal speculation (which a lot of people disagree with, which is fine) is that Dany will never see King’s Landing before the Long Night. I personally don’t think that Dany will ever meet Aegon or Cersei. I don’t see there being enough time in the story for that. Yes, GRRM said that there will be a second Dance of the Dragons, but he also said that the second Dance does not have to involve Dany. He may have originally planned for it to be Aegon and Dany, but probably not once the Meereenese Knot happened.

The Meereenese Knot is what Dany’s ADWD plot is referred to as. GRRM did not intend for Dany to stay in Meereen as long as she has, but because of his “gardener” style of writing, that’s where the story led him. GRRM has said that one of the hardest parts of writing the Meereen plotline (which involves Dany, Barristan, Quentyn, Tyrion, and Victarion) is trying to find a way to cut the plot knot he accidentally got himself stuck in. He has said that Tyrion and Dany will meet towards the end of TWOW, which means that Dany will most likely be spending a large portion of her story with the Dothraki. That part is a completely blank page, but I believe that Dany will meet Tyrion possibly ¾ of the way into the book, and sail for Westeros at the end.

I won’t write a full meta about this here (because that’s not what this post is about), but to summarize my prediction: Aegon VS Cersei is going to be the battle in King’s Landing, a battle which will destroy the city. Dany (who has already rejected sailing for the Throne multiple times) will still be stuck in Essos, dealing with everything she’s still got going on, and will sail for Westeros at the end. Not for the Throne, but to go North for the real fight (remember that Marwyn is also on his way to Meereen to tell Dany that they need her).

Because Dany's purpose is not to fight for the Iron Throne, it’s to fight the Others. Dany (fire, light, and life) VS the Others (ice, darkness, and death) is the main thing the title refers to:

“Well of course the two outlying ones, the things that are going on north of the Wall and Daenerys Targaryen on the other continent with her dragons are of course the Ice and Fire of the title, the Song of Ice and Fire.” 

- George R.R. Martin, 2016

One of the most important excerpts that shows us where Dany’s story is headed is this:

That night she dreamt that she was Rhaegar, riding to the Trident. But she was mounted on a dragon, not a horse. When she saw the Usurper's rebel host across the river they were armored all in ice, but she bathed them in dragonfire and they melted away like dew and turned the Trident into a torrent. Some small part of her knew that she was dreaming, but another part exulted. This is how it was meant to be. The other was a nightmare, and I have only now awakened.

- Daenerys III, A Storm a Swords

Dany has a short prophetic “this is what I was meant to do” dream. Dany could possibly have more dreams about the Others in TWOW, visions that will make what Marwyn has to tell her more believable. It’s not like that dream was the only one Dany has had that alludes to the winter threat, Dany has had visions about this since book one:

The red door was so far ahead of her, and she could feel the icy breath behind, sweeping up on her. If it caught her she would die a death that was more than death, howling forever alone in the darkness. She began to run.

- Dany IX, A Game of Thrones

Anyway, there’s just a lot more foreshadowing in the plot that this is what Dany is meant to do. I think adding in another conflict into her story once she leaves Meereen would make the story feel bloated and would severely fuck up the pacing.

I don’t think Dany will ever see the Iron Throne. The themes of her story have never been about her wanting the Iron Throne for what it is, but for what it represents to her. It represents the possibility of a home and of feeling safe for the first time in her life, what Dany truly wants. I think that it’s absolutely fine if Dany never sees the Throne or sits on it, and that it makes more sense for her narrative arc if she discovers that she can find a home somewhere else, not necessarily where she thought it would be. 

Part 6: Final Thoughts

So, in conclusion, I don’t really give a shit who ends up placing their ass on the Forbidden Laz-E-Boy, I care about the War for the Dawn. I care about seeing the characters I’ve followed for the past five books coming together to fight the real conflict of A Song of Ice and Fire. Also, even if we do get a Scouring of the Shire-type post-climax for ASOIAF, it doesn’t matter. People don’t see the Scouring of the Shire as the climax of Lord of the Rings, they see the climax as Aragorn leading the forces of good against the forces of evil and Frodo and Sam throwing the One Ring into Mount Doom. Whatever ending resolution comes after the climax of ASOIAF, it doesn’t change what the climax is.

"Do you think your brother's war is more important than ours?" the old man barked.

Jon chewed his lip. The raven flapped its wings at him. "War, war, war, war," it sang.

"It's not," Mormont told him. "Gods save us, boy, you're not blind and you're not stupid. When dead men come hunting in the night, do you think it matters who sits the Iron Throne?"

"No." Jon had not thought of it that way.

- Jon IX, A Game of Thrones

TL;DR:

My prediction: Cersei will be the last person to sit the Iron Throne, which will be destroyed in the Wildfire of King’s Landing. After the Long Night devastates the Seven Kingdoms, Bran will become the King of this new Westeros that has been majorly affected by the return of magic. Also, it would be real nice if Dany found her red door.

God I hope my rambling made sense

[pluviophile-bookworm]

AWAE 2x5 rewatch: thoughts and reactions

Look, I’m glad the girls were having fun, but I hate that this is yet another way for Anne to undermine her own looks. Why can’t she just accept and love herself for who she is? I feel like this cold open is important. 

Gosh, with the way Anne talks about Diana’s lips, I can totally see why people ship them. I for one don’t, at least not romantically, but the signs are definitely there, and in a more modern setting, they might have been written ending up together. 

You know, I love how confident Ruby is in her preferences. Yes, she thinks of nothing but beaus. Yes, that’s ok. Well, maybe not perfectly ok, but no one can make he change what she thinks about, and I’m really glad she knows it. I love that girl and that’s that. 

Come on, Diana, there’s no should and must when it comes to kissing! That’s what I’ve heard anyway. I’ve never been  kissed and with how touch-averse I am, I’d much like it to stay that way. But speaking of Diana and kissing, fast-forward to season 3, I believe Jerry was the one who forgot what he should or shouldn’t do when being kissed. And Diana... she had forgotten it long before the kiss happened. 

I said already I don’t ship DiAnne romantically, but I like how whenever they role-play, Anne always wants Diana to play the love interest, and Diana always steps right into character. 

“Why must the girl wait for the boy?” Well, once again, season 3. I like to think Diana remembered this moment then and just decided it was not quite necessary to wait. 

I love how Marilla isn’t bothered by the noise coming from Anne’s room where the girls are chatting, but instead smiles knowingly at it. She’s becoming a true mother, that one, as if she was a couple of years younger and Anne was her own child. Well, I guess she is now.

That was a long cold open. And a beautiful one, as they often are. A gold open, one might say. 

Bash seems just as excited about seeing Canada as Gilbert was to explore Trinidad. Their brotherhood is beautiful.

Boys being boys? No, Diana, allowing them to do that can only lead to... what Billy did to Josie in season 3. They should be told this is wrong, and I see Anne is going to do just that. “A skirt is not an invitation.” How iconic that line is.

Ooh, the grapes are sour, aren’t they, Josie? Mentioning her a minute ago, I couldn’t help noticing she wasn’t there when the girls were at Green Gables. 

And I see Billy and Josie’s fatal courting has begun. And Prissy and Phillips’ is just growing bigger. 

I see Josie is willing to “educate” her classmates in a proper “mature” game of spin the bottle. And of course, Billy has to be an even bigger... uh, no swearing on main... you know what I mean - about it than she is. If I didn’t think nobody deserves Billy, I’d have said they deserve each other. But even Josie doesn’t deserve that dirt-bag. “Where does that leave Cole?”, seriously? With the real men, of course. Where does that leave you?

I can’t help but root for Josie here, telling Cole she’s glad he’s there. She redeemed herself with that one. 

Sorry, Charlie, but who are you to speak for Diana? She can do that perfectly well on her own, thank you.

Diana and Moody? I see where their - if that can even be called courtship - in 3x1 came from. But I like him better with Ruby. 

Ok, that kiss was even more awkward than “Your dress is very... blue.” Poor dear Moody. He’ll get better.

Poor Anne... her trauma seems to never let her go. And what is Josie suggesting with “you’re of unfortunate circumstances, this can’t be your first kiss”. That was awful.

And speaking of everyone wanting to kiss Diana, as Anne was, there’s Jerry greeting her for the first time by name (because I count the “Hello, ladies” to her and Ruby in season 1 as a greeting to Diana). “I understand you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” Oh, Jerry!... Well, as I’ve said about the movie Titanic, how blissful it is to smile at the beginning as if you don’t know how it’s going to end... that definitely goes for these two. 

“You’e very bold.” Come season 3, we’ll see who the bold one really is. Also, I love that Jerry’s smile is back. 

“I’d rather be smart.” Yes, Diana, that’s the way to go. And judging by the end of season 3, you’re definitely both smart and beautiful. The two aren’t mutually exclusive, you know.

Anne talking about kissing to Matthew and Marilla, neither of whom ever married or had anything more than an utterly tragical romance is... well, awkward. I mean, well, it renders Matthew unable to sentence, if I may put this in a more modern way of speaking than my usual style.

“If you had red hair, you’d want to cover it too.” Well, is this the one where Anne dyes her hair? It has to be. It’s mid-season. 

Oh, I don’t know about dyeing, but this is the one where Cole braids Anne’s hair, and it’s moments like this that make me feel extra bad that she had to lose all of her beautiful hair to vanity. No doubt she came to appreciate it when it had to come off. 

I love how different and yet similar Anne and Cole are. I just love everything about their friendship. The world needs more of those. 

“feminine proclivities”? What on Earth? Also, I remember reading the Adventures of Tom Sawyer and learning for the first time how great of a humiliation it used to be for a boy to sit with the girls. I mean, I believe Cole would much rather sit with the girls in a world where that didn’t have any bad connotations - not because he’s effeminate or something, but just because they, for one, treat him nicely.

I mean, I get Marilla. One minute she is a new mother, the other her child is asking about kissing. Adopting a teenager is like that sometimes, but I bet she sees it for how rewarding it is in the end. 

“Rachel does have the effect of making you want to do the complete opposite of what she suggests.” Well, yes, but that still leads to good advice somehow, doesn’t it? i mean, it doesn’t make her any less annoying to me right now, but it is what it is. 

“I’d rather be ordinary.” Well, sometimes I think like that, too, but no, Cole, you don’t. Anyone could force themselves to be ordinary, but not everyone can be extraordinary. You’re given this unique chance. Don’t let it go because of some stupid dirt-bag teacher drowning in his own internalised homophobia. 

Gilbert “it’s not a love letter” Blythe and Anne “there’s nothing romantical about this letter” Shirley-Cuthbert. What a match made in heaven. 

“Maybe he wants to be pen-pals” Well, yes he does. Why else would he suggest it in season 3? 

Cole said about recitations that they make him feel too tall. Well, sometimes it’s nice to be tall, isn’t it? Not that I would know, in all of my 5′ glory. 

Gosh, I don’t know what’s worse about Prissy and Phillips’ kiss. That he can barely bring himself to do it, or that their entire teacher-student romance is sickening to me. And then he takes it out on Cole. Internalised homophobia is a drag. 

There’s the fox again... maybe its beauty can teach Anne how wonderful her red hair really is. See, she perceives that the fox is beautiful, but doesn’t see the connection. 

See? Marilla recalled things said earlier by both Cole (”Too tall, too weird”; ”without calling too much attention to yourself”) and Diana (”I’d rather be smart.”; “if you’re beautiful, you get stuck on one path”). Too bad it’s just further confirmation to Anne that she is, indeed, plain - which she is not.

That was beautiful in a sort of blunt, savage way. “I don’t like you.” I mean, sure she was nice to him once, but asking him like that if he doesn’t like girls... too personal. Too rude.

I don’t really know what to say here, but this kiss was beautiful. It was a way to show their friendship to each other and the world, and to stand up for each other while being called freaks. Beautiful.

So this is when Anne gets the hair dye. But why do I think that with raven-black hair, she’d look a lot like Wednesday Addams? 

And... Gilbert is back. What a nice surprise that will be thanks to letters arriving quite a bit later than they’re written.

Marilla is so caught up in rehearsing her speech on kissing  that she doesn’t even notice the remains of Anne’s hair-dyeing. Not until she sees her actual hair, now a horrible greyish green. Poor Anne. 

I love the parallel with Josie’s own hair troubles, though. And I love how this same scene evolves into something more in season 3. A statement on beauty and feminism. But now let’s just focus on 2x5 and not think so far ahead. 

I said focus, but I don’t even know what to say about Anne’s hair being cut. Hair cutting is traumatic for me, but never like this. Let’s be over with it now. 

Let’s sum up this episode: girl talk in Anne’s room; reflections on beauty and courtship; a skirt is not an invitation; different and weird is not bad; spin the bottle and all the awkwardness bound to surround it; Jerry is very bold with Diana; internalised homophobia is a drag; Anne and Cole’s friendship is pretty much the most beautiful thing in this episode focused on beauty; the Shirbert correspondence continues; Gilbert and Bash arrive in Avonlea; hair dye shenanigans and the painful consequences thereof.

[trombonesinspace]

Typhoid Mary: feminist femme fatale?

“Season 4 was going to be Typhoid Mary, Alice Eve [who played the role in Iron Fist], we were doing a kind of...I had a much different version of her than what Raven [Metzner] had done in Iron Fist. I was kind of rebooting what she was going to be like, and we were going to do a, you know, kind of a warped love story/murder mystery kind of femme fatale, but kind of a modern-day, feminist version of it, as opposed to kind of the older, sexist kind of femme fatale archetype.”

-Erik Oleson, in conversation with Steven DeKnight, SaveDaredevilCon 

As I said yesterday, I have some thoughts about this! If you want some opinions nobody asked for, about a storyline that may never come to pass, you’ve come to the right place! Let’s dive in.

A femme fatale is a character type with quite a history, that can take various forms. She is always an attractive woman who brings ruin to the man who gets involved with her. But sometimes she is deliberately manipulative, while sometimes she is more a victim of circumstances. She may be evil, or she may be sympathetic/tragic. But whatever her moral alignment, she has two defining traits: sexual allure, and some form of negative consequences for the hero as a result of his involvement with her.

A woman who schemes against the hero, and succeeds in harming him, but without using feminine wiles? Not a femme fatale. The Marvel TV universe has featured several examples on different shows: Madame Gao, Mariah Dillard, Alexandra. And, ironically, the version of Typhoid Mary who appeared in Iron Fist. (We’ll get there.)

A sexy woman who tries to manipulate/damage the hero, but fails? Also not a femme fatale. I wish I could give some examples, but sadly I can’t think of any, in dramas at least. Our current media culture loves a sexy manipulator, no writer ever seems to introduce one into a dramatic story without making her succeed in her schemes, to some extent at least.

Which is unfortunate, from my perspective, because I loathe sexy manipulators. It’s a character type I really dislike, whenever I encounter her. As soon as she shows up, I know the hero is going to fall for her bullshit like a chump, and I’m going to end up respecting him less as a result. I could try to unpack my feelings about this a bit more, but that would probably make a post all on its own, so for now I’ll leave it at that.

This doesn’t mean I hate all femmes fatales—it really depends on her motivation and her behavior. If she isn’t trying to harm the hero, and it happens due to circumstances, then I might like the character, but the story becomes a tragedy. Which is not necessarily bad. Just, you know. Tragic.

Anyway! Let’s talk about Typhoid Mary.

Mary Walker is a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities), and high-level combat skills. In the comics, she is also a mutant with mental powers. She appeared in the Daredevil comics starting in 1988.

In this original version, her personality fragmented due to childhood abuse, leading her to vow as an adult that no man would ever hurt her again. Her personalities are: Mary, who is timid and gentle; Typhoid, who is adventurous, lusty, and violent; and Bloody Mary, who is even more violent, sadistic, and hates all men.

Mary becomes romantically involved with Matt Murdock, who is cheating on his girlfriend, Karen Page, to be with her. At the same time, Typhoid is trying to ruin him, having been hired to do so by the Kingpin. Matt can’t tell they’re the same woman, because when she switches personalities all her bio signs change (voice, scent, heartbeat, etc) so much that he can’t recognize her. (Uh, sure.) She may also be using some of her mutant powers to confuse his senses. I haven’t read the comics, I’m relying here on what I could learn from the internet.

Eventually Typhoid drops him off a bridge, but then Mary finds him and gets him to a hospital, saving him. Karen is with him when he wakes up, but he breaks her heart by calling out for Mary.

This storyline...does not thrill me. As I said, I haven’t read it, but comics writing about mental illness is generally neither nuanced nor accurate, and comics writing about women circa 1988 is also not great, by today’s standards. And comics Matt’s disastrous love life is legendary—cheating on your girlfriend is bad, Matt! Don’t do it! 

I have, however, watched season 2 of Iron Fist, where we get a different version. This Mary Walker is a US army veteran, special ops, who was captured by the Sokovian military. Her personality fragmented due to the brutal abuse she received from her captors for nearly two years, until she finally escaped. She got a medical discharge from the army after being diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Her personalities are: Mary, who is innocent and naive; and Walker, who is a ruthless, coolly efficient mercenary-for-hire. The existence of a third, ultraviolent personality, previously unknown to either Mary or Walker, is revealed near the end of the season. 

Mary meets and befriends Danny Rand, while Walker is hired by his enemies to stalk him, and eventually capture him so they can steal his Iron Fist powers from him. She later changes sides, getting hired to bring down Davos, the season’s main villain, by Joy Meachum, his former ally.

There are clear parallels to the Daredevil comics storyline, albeit in less extreme form—Mary befriends the hero, but isn’t romantically involved with him; her more violent personality works against him and fights him, but doesn’t try to destroy him. 

I enjoyed this version of the character more than I expected to, for a couple of reasons. For one, she is never the out of control, “crazy” stereotype of a person with mental illness. Both Mary and Walker are more-or-less functional adults, managing to live a strange hybrid life, aware of each other’s existence even though they don’t share memories.

But what I especially like is that she isn’t sexualized, at all. It’s incredibly rare, in my experience, to see a young, female antagonist opposing a male hero, and not have her be sexy. Older women are exempt from this obligation (see my list of examples above), but the young ones always vamp it up, and I am so tired of it. I am not opposed to sexy women, but I am very opposed to the requirement that all women must be sexy. (Unless they’re old.) Male antagonists aren’t required to be alluring, so why should women be? (Yes, I know why. I just don’t like it.)

There’s also a lot of potential YIKES in sexualizing a woman with a severe mental illness, which was caused by (among other things) repeated sexual violence. Could it be done in a way that isn’t super problematic? It’s possible, sure. Am I assuming that most television writers would give the subject the respect it deserves? NOPE! 

I’m really glad they chose to just not go there. Walker is extremely good at what she does, takes no shit from anyone, and (almost) never gets riled up. After everything she’s been through, nothing in her present life has the power to faze her, and none of the men around her have the power to intimidate her. It’s pretty great!

She isn’t the least bit coy or seductive, and, equally refreshing, none of the men try to sexualize her or hit on her. Everyone Walker talks to knows she is a highly skilled professional, and they treat her accordingly. Or, when someone does disrespect her, it’s never gendered as far as I can remember, and it stops as soon as she calmly states what she’s going to do to him if it doesn’t.

As for Mary, although she has a more feminine appearance than Walker (hair down and loose, makeup), she is also not sexualized. Her friendship with Danny, who is in an established relationship with Colleen Wing, is platonic, and no one else tries to hit on her that I remember.

So this is the version of Typhoid Mary that Erik Oleson was going to reboot, into a femme fatale. Only, you know. A feminist one. 

I...have some questions. What does that even mean? What does feminism mean to Erik Oleson? Let’s be real, the idea of a woman becoming an ultraviolent, sadistic man-hater as a result of sexual trauma would have been seen as feminist in some circles, back in 1988 when that version was written. So what, exactly, did he have in mind?

As I said before, sexual allure is a necessary component of a femme fatale. So she was definitely gonna be sexy. And you know now how I feel about sexy female antagonists. As for the “warped love story” part...Matt wouldn’t be cheating on Karen, since they aren’t together (please, for the love of mercy, don’t have them get together right before he meets Mary, we did that once and I do NOT want to see it again), but I am still not a fan of Matt/Mary as a couple.

Her Dissociative Identity Disorder raises some serious issues around consent, and even if the show chose to ignore that, there’s still the issue of past sexual trauma. Unless Oleson’s reworking of the character was going to include a completely different back story, a Matt/Mary relationship would mean Matt unknowingly having sex with a woman who has suffered brutal sexual abuse in her past. Not to mention, having sex with her that only one part of her personality actually wants.

Is it possible for someone with Mary’s past trauma and present mental illness to have a positive sexual relationship? In reality, of course! In the hands of writers with only a layman’s knowledge of psychology, on a show that loves to torment its hero, I wouldn’t bet on it. How do you suppose our poster boy for Catholic guilt would react when he inevitably finds out the truth?

Plus, aside from any issues around Mary herself, Matt starting a relationship with anyone other than the handful of people who already know his secret identity, means a whole new round of Matt lying to someone he cares about. Does anyone really want to see that? I know I don’t. Sure, maybe he’d tell her eventually, but how long would they have to date before he decided to trust her with the truth?

I’m not opposed to the Mary Walker from Iron Fist appearing in Daredevil, if the writers could come up with a new story for her (i.e, don’t just have her repeat all the same plot beats with Matt that she already did with Danny). But bringing her in as a femme fatale really doesn’t sit well with me. We’ve already seen Matt in an ultimately destructive relationship with a sexy, violent, morally grey woman. I really don’t want to watch Round 2: now with multiple personalities!

Of course, maybe we never will. The quote at the beginning of this post is from just a couple of weeks ago (July 25 2020), so Erik Oleson still seems to think it’s a fine idea. But obviously we don’t know yet if there will ever be a season 4, or who the show runner will be if there is. He may never get to make the story he was planning.

So yes, I realize I’m merely speculating about a completely theoretical story that may never happen. But I wanted to write this anyway. I had a strong “ugh, no” reaction to the idea of a feminist femme fatale Typhoid Mary, and I wanted to go deeper and pick apart my reasons for not liking the idea.

To the three of you who have read this all the way through to the end (this post is nearly 2000 words, yikes), thank you for indulging me! These are, as always, my own opinions, and YMMV. 

[sseunbean]

I feel like a lot of people ask to know more about Nari (which is the best thing I love talking about my characters) so I just wanted to compile what has been revealed thus far for people who are interested! It is..very very long:

» Nari was born and raised in a very remote village in Koryo called Seorak. It’s a super isolated place that is so high up in the mountain range that it’s almost perpetually winter aside from a brief spring when lilies bloom for a short spell (Nari was actually named after these flowers). Common is also not extensively used since there was no need.

» She is mostly fluent in Common but still has hiccups now and then when she can’t remember the right word. Nari’s incredibly smart (and she knows it!) but she can get a little frustrated knowing that she can’t communicate precisely what she would have been able to say in her own native tongue.

» The Seorak Clan is actually an assassin specialized village (all the details haven’t been revealed yet!) but Nari has always been more interested in tinkering. She built her own prosthetic leg and consequently has a particular interest in biomedical engineering.

» The Trauma: the village was completely eliminated five years before the start of the campaign, leaving Nari as the only survivor by chance. She had convinced her younger brother to cover for her while she went to look for tinkering materials. Nari was too focused and went out farther than she normally would and by the time she returned, her clan had been wiped out and burned down (she develops an extreme fear of uncontrolled fire). She has intense survivor’s guilt and is crushed by the thought that if it weren’t for her foolish hobby, she might have saved even one person-- particularly her brother. She believes she had unknowingly sent her brother to die in her place that day.

» Nari doesn’t know why her village was destroyed (or does she) but all she really knows is a scrap of cloth with a silver snake emblem as the only clue as to who did it. We’ve learned in the campaign that the group is called the Righteous Order and they’ve conducted a coup in Koryo, killing the current king and overthrowing the dynasty. 

» She is fiercely protective of the other members of Misfourtune and considers them her new family in lieu of the one she lost. 

» Thoughts on Bayani: she’s closest to him out of the group! She sees him as a friend she can trust with her life and has an easy banter going with him. She often asks him questions about the world like certain slang phrases (which he purposefully gives her the wrong answers to).

» Thoughts on Van: doesn’t know much about her but Nari can sense that they are more similar than she would have originally thought. Nari doesn’t ask questions but neither does Van so she sees them as in mutual agreement of unknowing. Nari respects Van deeply and holds her input in high regard.

»Thoughts on Dau Do: a gremlin she needs to protect! Dau Do is close in age to Nari’s brother and initially was drawn to her because of that but she has since noticed very large differences and now sees her as she is-- a younger sibling who is more trouble than she’s worth but wants to guide Dau Do in the right direction.

»I get more questions about K than anything else so I will just list it all now:

» Nari first got close to K to get info from him, so she posed as a new student at K’s temple who needed talisman lessons under the pseudonym Erina. K reluctantly (rolled a nat 20 lol) offers his assistance and holds! her hand! to teach her.

» K is part of a group of enigmatic individuals that we don’t really know about but we’ve met two other members of that society: Q (who gave us the quest to destroy the shards scattered across the continents) and Ami (a deceased member who has been appearing in a lot of our dreams and visions and is uh scary). He helps Misfourtune out and gives them the opportunity to destroy the shard in his temple.

» While they were apart, K and Nari have been writing to each other pretty regularly via a raven (who Nari nicknamed Riceball) 

» K actually has an ability to see a person’s past or future and so he knows exactly who Nari is despite her best efforts to disguise herself. At first Nari was distressed by the knowledge that he knew everything (she was taught to never tell anyone about herself and her home) but she comes around to it and now is more relieved that at least someone KNOWS-- she feels less alone with this secret that had been left on her shoulders. 

» K is actually snarky and snide to literally everybody except for Nari. Gave Bayani an unfavorable fortune reading and made a poor impression on Bayani (Bayani once punched K so hard he flew across the room). He also exorcised Dau Do at one point which made DD hate him with an intense passion (he is enemy number one in her eyes) which means it’s constantly on SIGHT for K (got kicked in the shins in front of a royal entourage by a twelve year old ghost). Van is neutral but is generally wary of him.

» Nari thinks he’s really nice and is more or less moved by the fact that he is still kind to her despite all her deceptions. She has a pretty big crush on him but she doesn’t really know what to do with her feelings. (She also thinks he smells nice and likes his handwriting and he makes good tea and-)

This was all I could think of right now/all that’s been revealed, but if you made it to the end... you are so strong thank you so much.. let me know if you read everything..let’s talk about Nari i’m always! down to do that !

[beatriceeagle]

no pressure if you're busy but i was wondering - is titans good? or is it more a show where you're like it's not /good/ but i like it? i thought it looked interesting but then everyone was so negative about it i kind of got put off. And then your (really excellent btw) video resparked why i thought it'd be interesting to watch in the first place. thanks!

I haven’t paid a ton of attention to what fans have said about Titans, although I’m aware that there’s a general negative vibe around it. I suspect that whether Titans is worth watching for you depends a whole lot on what you want out of Titans.

I went into the show having never read a DC comic in my life. I was coming off of a week-long Wikipedia binge on Batman and his associated characters—the Robins, the Batgirls, some dude named Signal—and was talking to @thirdblindmouse about how it had become overwhelmingly clear to me that we’ve been doing Batman all wrong for decades, and the way to tell the story is as an ensemble family drama about intergenerational trauma. And she was like, “Uh, have you seen Titans?” So all of my pre-existing understanding of the characters comes from Google and selected comics scans.

I suspect that the show’s interpretation of Dick Grayson, in particular, is... skewed? I’m almost certain, based on scans of comics I’ve seen/the half a season of Teen Titans I watched a lifetime ago, that its interpretation of Starfire is highly nontraditional. There are certain storylines that I know they’re adapting, but like, they are playing very loose with the adaptation of even some of the characters’ basic personalities. (I’m pretty sure—again, not really a DC comics fan!)

So if you’re very committed to a generally cheerful Dick Grayson, Titans will not give you that. If you have a vision of Batman as a generally decent man, Titans will really not give you that. In general, I think that the show would be better if it erred more towards a lighter tone for Dick—there are moments where he has shades of Quentin in season three of The Magicians, when Q was kind of endearingly hapless, and the show is better for it. But I think it earns its ambivalent stance on Batman, and uses it well. Batman in Titans looks and acts like your dad whose office you’re not allowed into. And Titans!Starfire is really amazing. Like, Anna-Diop-is-a-revelation, fuck-now-you’ve-got-me-shipping-against-my-will amazing.

The bigger issue that Titans has—and this is not unrelated to Dick’s characterization, I guess—is its relationship with violence. Titans is a really violent show, especially in its first season, and it’s off-putting. Pretty much every superhero show involves the heroes beating up bad guys; not every superhero show involves the protagonist mutilating someone in the course of a fight.

This is not unthinking hyperviolence. Titans (which is actually annoyingly pretty good about tracking character through action sequences) is trying to make a point: The compounding traumas of Dick’s childhood resulted in an explosion of rage. Batman funneled his anger into Dick; Dick funnels his anger into whatever bad guy he’s fighting. The show isn’t subtle about this idea. Dick says it out loud several times. Nor (after the first fight) does the show endorse Dick’s over-the-top violence. Everyone from Donna Troy to Dick himself remarks on it with, at minimum, concern. And over time, Dick’s fighting style changes; he consciously leaves the hyperviolence behind, until his final fight of season two is primarily evasive.

But Dick is not the only Titans character who is working out his rage on the criminals he apprehends, and the show is considerably less coherent in its tonal approach to other characters’ violence. Hank and Dawn—the masked hero team Hawk and Dove—have an origin story that plays out like the the backstory of a serial killer couple, their interlocking trauma and rage and grief finding expression and acceptance in each other. The show is aware of the dynamic, but it’s not clear that it’s aware of how disturbing it is. Hank and Dawn are, primarily, people who need to cause violence in order to be at peace in their own heads—and only secondarily, people who want to protect others from danger. Season two does do some work exploring this idea, but the exploration is confused by the fact that, in the end, the show wants both of them on the cast.

Which is kind of the problem with any superhero show that sets out to explore the ethics of superheroism—at the end of the day, the characters aren’t gonna retire to Wisconsin, you know? So Titans presents hyperviolence, presents it as problematic (sometimes), presents it as almost an inevitable consequence of traumatized teenagers deciding to pursue vigilante justice... and then builds a superhero team of traumatized teenagers and young adults. As is its basic conceit.

And on a more fundamental level, the hyperviolence just sort of makes the show feel very grim. It’s already an aesthetically dark show, a lot of the time, and then you’ve got people getting mutilated, and Batman’s an asshole and Dick Grayson’s got anger management issues, and it feels like the show’s grimdark. 

I don’t think it is, though. First of all, despite everything, Titans actually has a sense of humor, both in general and occasionally about itself—I mean, it’s not Legends of Tomorrow, but it understands how to crack a smile every now and then. (They have a superdog. He shoots lasers out of his eyes!) But more importantly, at the end of the day, Titans is hopeful. Yeah, it’s a show about anger and violence and intergenerational trauma—but it’s more specifically about moving beyond those things. At its heart, it’s about being a better parent to your children than your parents were to you.

That central relationship between Dick and Rachel—Dick trying, and sometimes failing, but always caring and trying to be better for Rachel, and Rachel’s absolute fury with him when he fails, but her unshakeable devotion to him for being there, the unbelievable amount of sway he holds in her world—that’s what makes the show work for me. There are other vital relationships, too—Rachel and Kory, especially, but also all of the pseudo-familial relationships built up between all of the characters—but it all comes back to Dick and Rachel.

I mean, it’s a found family show. So much so that in season two, there are like, three separate speeches about how this is a family, not one of those stupid biological families, but a family we found, and isn’t that the important kind? And how grimdark can a found family show really be?

The other thing that might throw some people off—but which is actually one of my favorite things about the show—is the structure. If you take a look at the Titans episode list, you’ll see that roughly 75 percent of the episodes are named after a character or characters. Season one of Titans is basically about Dick, Starfire, Gar, and Rachel (Raven from the comics) traveling the midwest, picking up the people who will eventually form the main Titans team. When they encounter those people, they get a spotlight episode. So in episode two, “Hawk and Dove,” when Dick and Rachel lay low at Hank and Dawn’s, the episode starts out with an extended cold open, entirely disconnected from the main characters, just introducing us to Hank and Dawn as characters. Episode eight, “Donna Troy,” sees Dick go to visit his old friend Donna in Milwaukee, and... basically just hang out with her for half the episode, while the rest of the cast does plot stuff. Occasionally, these spotlight episodes stop the plot completely: Towards the end of season one, an episode ends on a cliffhanger. the next episode, rather than showing the outcome of the cliffhanger, is “Hank and Dawn,” an episode that flashes back to show the story of how Hank and Dawn met and became masked heroes. (There’s an in-episode device that eventually makes it clear why this story is related to the cliffhanger.) Season two uses the cliffhanger-into-a-flashback-spotlight-episode structure two more times, once with a character we’ve never met before.

I can see this being deeply frustrating to a viewer watching week-by-week (and I would not recommend watching Titans in that manner). And it’s certainly an unconventional way to structure a season of television. But honestly? I think it’s half of what I like about the show. The spotlight and flashback episodes are good—often some of the best the show’s produced. They don’t stop the plot for no reason; in season two, in particular, they provide context and backstory and characterization in a way that would be almost impossible to do, or to do so well, without the space of a full episode. They make the show more episodic than it would otherwise be—always a joy, in a television landscape full of 10-hour movies—and give it space to experiment with tone and genre. They make the characters richer, and the relationships more complex.

Does it slow down the plot? Absolutely. But Titans is not overflowing with complex plot, and I don’t really think it should try to. The plot of Titans hangs together juuuuuuuust enough to make the themes and characters and relationships work. It’s coherent—we’re not talking Teen Wolf, here—but it’s not brilliant, and honestly, that’s fine by me. But I suppose if you want your plot to be really good, this may not be the show for you.

Finally, I’ll say that Titans, though not what I would call a feminist show (it has a primarily male writing staff and I think it shows) does have a kind of surprisingly large female cast? I wanna say it’s five men, five women, by the end of season two? (Yeah, it’s a fucking enormous cast.) And the women have actual relationships with each other, ones that the show puts some effort into maintaining and remembering. I realize this is damning with faint praise, but honestly I’d just expected a show like Titans to not do that, and was prepared to ignore it, and was kind of pleasantly surprised when I didn’t have to.

In summary: I told my sister that Titans is 10% men in spandex standing on cars, 30% team as family, 30% intergenerational trauma, 20% an uncomfortable relationship with is own hyperviolence, and 10% Krypto the Superdog. I think that tracks. That show, despite having Anna Diop’s glowing presence, has a lot of flaws, but it also really worked for me on some soul-deep level. I am exactly on its wavelength.

I do not think that Titans is a fantastic television show, but I also don’t think it’s a very bad one. I think it’s generally competent show that is very interesting in some aspects, is weak in some areas, falls prey to some inherent trappings of its genre, is thoughtful about familial trauma, is not thoughtful enough about violence and criminal justice, has a lot of very compelling performances, is really poorly lit a lot of the time, pays a lot of attention to its visual language, kind of thinks Batman’s an asshole, and has Krypto the Superdog. It really worked for me; I can see why others might not be into it; it might work for you!

[eldritchsurveys]

930.

What may I call you? >> Mordred is fine.

Where are you right now, exactly? >> My bedroom.

Over or under 18? >> I’m over 18.

Have you been watching the Stanley Cup play-offs? (GO BRUINS!) >> No.

Ever believed your house was/is haunted? If yes, why; what happens? >> I lived in a studio in 2009 (my only time living alone) that I suspected had something hanging around. I was the first occupant, though (new building), so it couldn’t have been from a former resident, and I have no idea how else it could have accrued a haunting. Unless the site itself was haunted, I guess. I have no idea what kind of land the building was built on.

The building you live inside; how long ago was it built? >> According to the google search I just did, it was built in 1987, which makes me the same age as the building I live in.

Ever travel internationally? >> No.

If you could go anywhere RIGHT NOW, where would it be? And why? >> I don’t want to go anywhere right now.

Do you fancy someone currently? Tell me about them! >> No.

Ever have a big ol' crush on someone you've never met in person? If so, did you ever tell them you did? >> I’ve been attracted to people I knew online, yes. And yes, I’ve told most of them.

What makes you feel luxurious? >> I’m not sure. I don’t know when I last felt that exact way.

Do you enjoy drinking scotch as much as I do? >> Probably not.

What have you done that makes you proud of yourself? >> Well, I kept playing FFXIV instead of quitting forever in shame and telling myself I’ll never be any good at it. Believe it or not, that’s a milestone.

What makes you envy someone? >> Usually I envy people who seem to have had very little instability or suffering in their lives, because their brains work.

For you, is jealousy something that makes you more sad or angry-feeling? >> If you still mean envy, then it can be either one. I don’t experience jealousy as in relationship jealousy.

Do you get the munchies? >> I don’t smoke, so...

Every been to Germany? If so, what part? >> No.

Do you buy newspapers just for the puzzles? >> No, I have an app for newspaper crosswords.

Describe any tattoos or piercings you may have...? >> I don’t want to, I feel like I’ve described them a million times.

When's the last time you smacked someone's butt? (Or been smacked :P) >> That’s not a thing I do or encourage having done to me.

Do you enjoy making art? If so, what's your style like? >> I don’t make art.

Were you a shy child? >> I don’t know. I was mostly a distant child, I think.

Ever wanna run away with the circus? >> No.

What is the closest object to your feet right now? >> My weighted blanket, which is folded over the second half of the bed because it’s too hot to use.

Reach behind you- do you feel anything? What is it? >> The wall.

Is English your second language? >> No.

Have you ever designed and constructed your own clothing? >> I’ve altered clothing, but not designed and constructed from scratch.

What's the very last digit in your phone number? >> 3.

Is your house an odd or even number? >> This building is even-numbered.

Do you have a favorite superhero? Who? >> I like Iron Man and Doctor Strange. Also, does Promethea count?

What power would you like to receive, if given the option? >> I don’t know. The power of brain that work good.

Ever punch someone in the nose? >> No.

...will you write me a haiku? >> No.

What was the last thing that really delighted you? >> Probably a scene in FFXIV. For example, I did a lot of moogle sidequests today and moogles are fucking adorable.

Do you wear skin-colored clothes? >:C >> I don’t have any brown clothing, no.

Ever eat German cuisine? If so, what'd ya have? >> Yeah, I ate at Bavarian Inn on one of our yearly trips to Frankenmuth (which is a kind of... German-inspired tourist town or something -- we go there every fall for the giant world-famous Christmas store that’s also there). I don’t remember what I ordered, though. German cuisine, while hearty, isn’t dramatic or varied enough for me, though.

Do you have conversations with any animals? >> Well, yeah.

Do you have a little sibling? If so, are you protective of her/him? >> No.

Recommend me a good book? >> I don’t know you and I cannot recommend you a book.

Can you sleep on your back? (I can't, I feel too vulnerable!) >> I can, but I usually end up on my side eventually.

What's the last special thing you did for someone? (Buy, cook, etc.) >> I don’t know.

Did you cook something today? If so, what was it? >> No.

Ever baked ALL day? >> No.

Can you recognize the smell of death? >> A dead person? I mean, I could probably figure out what I’m smelling if I suddenly caught a whiff of a corpse. It seems pretty... singular.

Ever known a mortician or a coroner?? (Now you do!) >> Oh, that’s neat. Mortuary science is so fucking cool. Unfortunately, I don’t actually know you, so I still don’t know any morticians or coroners. :(

What makes you feel good about yourself? >> That’s a good question. I’m working on that.

Could you ever be some type of counselor for kids/teens? >> No.

Do you enjoy getting dressed up for no real reason? >> I imagine that could be fun. I don’t think it’d ever occur to me to do it, though.

What are you afraid of? >> Stuff.

Ever been to a maximum security prison? You, or just visiting? >> No.

Do you think mint toothpaste is too minty? >> I don’t.

How is a raven like a writing desk? >> Heh.

Are you currently eating or drinking something? If so, what? >> Aside from the occasional sip of water, no.

Do you own striped socks? What colors are your favorite ones? >> No.

Black Metal ist Krieg. Agree or Disagree? >> Eh. I mean, I listen to black metal, but I’m not going to make a big deal out of it.

Are there any numbers that have significance to you? >> Yes, 9 and 19.

Do you know how to read palms or tarot or anything else like that? >> I’m passable at reading tarot. For myself, that is.

Do you own any bones or other preserved organic ..things? >> Unfortunately not. Accepting all bone donations.

What do you think about internet piracy? >> I support the mateys.

Do you know anything about Nordic runes? >> I wouldn’t say I know anything about futhark, exactly. The fact that I have Mannaz tattooed on my hand notwithstanding.

How do you feel about children? >> I don’t have a particular feeling about children. It’s all dependent.

Whatcha looking forward to right now? >> Nothing.

How do you feel about clowns? >> I’m indifferent to clowns.

Are any of your friends clown by profession? >> No.

Do you put grated cheese on popcorn? (Yum!) >> I don’t eat popcorn.

Do you thing anyone ever actually gets in trouble for having milkcrates? >> Like, in their home? Who’s going to give a fuck unless a store employee literally saw you take it or something?

Do you tip street performers? (YOU SHOULD.) >> Not usually. I didn’t ask them to be there, I have no obligation to them. I’ll do it if I feel moved to (and if I happen to have cash, which is the other important variable here).

What are your virtues/morals? >> I don’t have a ready list.

What do you smoke, if anything? >> I don’t.

Does being an addict make someone a bad person, in your opinion? >> No.

Have you ever experienced any type of detox? >> No.

Ever been institutionalized? ...was it because of just one pepsi? >> Ha, I haven’t heard that song in a while. Anyway, yeah, I’ve been institutionalised.

Tie up, or be tied up? >> Well, I’m a switch, so.

Ever shoot a gun that wasn't a handgun? Rifle, shotgun, etc? >> No.

Is your mother a really cool lady? >> No.

Ever suddenly find a friend very attractive but had to keep it to yourself? >> Suddenly? That seems like a weird thing to have happen, lol. I imagine someone finally getting glasses after years of seeing everything kind of blurry and putting them on and going, “holy shit, my friend’s hot as fuck!”

What time is it right now? >> 7.42p EST.

Last time it's rained? >> Uh... a couple of nights ago, I think.

Ever been through a deadly natural disaster? >> No. I mean, I was in NYC when Hurricane Sandy came plowing through, but I wasn’t exactly in any of the parts of the city that got hit-hit.

What do you do when you lose power? >> I so rarely lose power that I don’t even know. I guess I would just read, if I could. Or go so deep into boredom that suddenly I become manically creative. They say that happens, or something.

Do you have a boot fetish too? >> No.

Have you ever done home-repair stuff? >> I mean, not really. I don’t live in a home, lmao. You’re supposed to call Maintenance if something needs fixing in these apartments. (I’m willing to bet that if you try fixing something yourself and you fuck up, you’re gonna be payin for it. Better to let Maintenance deal with it. At least if they fuck it up, the complex can deal with the consequences.)

Reason you last used a knife? >> I don’t remember.

Ever tattoo or pierce yourself? What, and how did it turn out? >> Yeah, I’ve pierced various parts of my ears a few times. Most of the time it turned out fine, but eventually all the holes closed up.

Have you ever assisted in a birth? >> No.

Have you ever had a bad trip? >> Yes.

Do you ever yell at your TV/computer/video games? >> Yes.

How long do you take in the shower? >> Like 10 minutes at most.

If you could ask someone ONE thing & get 100% honesty, what would you ask? >> ---

What's the best thing you've ever found in a thrift/second hand shop? >> I don’t know.

What's one skilled craft you like to learn? >> ---

How do you feel about magicians? >> Like, illusionists? I’m indifferent to them. I agree it’s clever work, but I don’t really care about it.

What do you smell like right now? >> I don’t know. Flesh.

Tell me about the last person that made you laugh. >> ---

Who was the last person to really make you feel special? >> ---

[qqueenofhades]

I love the term militant idealism from your last post. I wonder how you think about the ongoing removal of names on buildings and statues as Americans become woke about eugenics, systemic racism and sexism, and other fuck ups across white American history?

A couple years ago in August 2017, at the height of the furor over removing Confederate statues/imagery from public places, and after the Charlottesville white supremacist riots, I wrote this post in response to a similar question. It outlined extensively what the rationale for the “we should preserve history and keep those statues up!!!” defense is (i.e. racism and systematic amnesia). My position hasn’t changed much, and I think it demonstrates the depths of white fragility in this country and the utter inability of white Americans to think about what their history really consists of and what the construction of this geopolity has entailed, apart from all the fuzzy feel-good stuff and giant flags and slogans about Freedum!! and so forth. We… we realize that we live in a hyper-capitalist fasciso-patriotic militarized nightmare land, right? The giant flags and flyovers and the fact that the entire month of November in the National Football League is now “Salute to Service,” after they couldn’t stand one black man taking a knee for the national anthem? Where coaches wear camo on the sidelines and everyone acts like they actually give a crap about veterans aside from their use as convenient propaganda? We… we know this isn’t normal, right?

See, I do think there is a useful application and a genuine need for militant idealism. It just isn’t in throwing slogans or personal attacks at each other on the Twitter echo chamber, or any argument at all on social media about politics, culture, entertainment, fictional ships, etc. Most people picking fights on social media really aren’t doing a whole fuck of a lot of anything useful in the real world. The internet has brought a lot of use into our lives, and indeed we cannot function without it, which is a little terrifying (turn off the internet for 24 hours across the entire world and welp, nice knowing you civilization). But it’s also morphed into a giant, ravenous beast that you really, really have to approach with caution in a whole different way from the “oh no you might meet a pedophile” panics of the 90s. (And I mean, there are still trash men everywhere, so it’s just with extra Terrible now. Winning?) You are not going to change this overwhelming, violent, omnipresent system by holding hands, playing nice, and singing Kumbaya. Sometimes, a little violence and militancy is needed in return. You need to stand up and play hard and not back down. And since the general liberal ethos is that “violence is always bad!!!/if you use violence you’re Just As Bad As Them!!!”, that is cut off and stigmatized in the name of social order.

The thing is, this is the first time in American history that there has been even any kind of visible and sustained public debate on whether these things that we’ve just all gone with for so long are actually acceptable. That’s why we have “OK Boomer” and similar movements, because young people are taking a long hard look at what they’ve been left with and are understandably being like are you fucking kidding me. But as I have also been discussing, a certain subset of young people are also extremely insistent on having the Right Opinion and Only The Right Opinion, and that demonstrating any uncertainty or looking like they’re not sufficiently Woke is Unacceptable. This is why I can never get students to talk in class. They have been raised in a culture where they will be mercilessly punished for being Wrong, and it’s hard to conceptualize a space, i.e. a university classroom, where you’re allowed to start at zero and work your way up with dialogue and engagement. That just isn’t how it works anymore, and frankly, we have to blame social media for a lot of it. Especially when combined with CEOs (why yes, I am looking at you, Twitter not banning Nazis and just all of Mark Zuckerberg) who are more willing to cater to the alt-right in the name of “freedom” than to enforce any kind of standards for public discourse or try to tell 21st-century Americans that they can’t have something they want. Our society is built on the maxim that All Consumption Is Good Consumption, Consume More Now. And… that’s a problem.

I feel like I may be getting away from the point of what exactly you asked, but these things are all interconnected. If someone is going to actually translate internet outrage to real-world action, and actually put some skin in the game and fight against the terrifying normalization of these narratives: please. We need more people to do that. But real life is scary in a way that the internet isn’t. You might face immediate consequences for something. You might have someone tell you that you’re wrong and you can’t just block or mute them. How do you change someone’s mind without the two of you just yelling pithy, polarized slogans at each other? It’s fuckin’ hard work. So it’s easier to just retweet someone that you agree with, to other people who agree with you. And so the cycle goes.

Obviously, I 100% support any and all efforts to bring to the collective American conscience just how fucked up American history actually is. But I sometimes worry that the shortcomings in the methods used to do so make it easier for the tired old class of establishment bigots to dismiss as “snowflakes.” After all, I’ve just been ripping into the self-righteous infighting and tendency to rigid ideological purity and insularism in the left, and… what do we do about that? I don’t know. We can’t just immediately remove people from the entire contextualising framework in which they’ve grown up and made meaning and understood themselves. We can try to educate them, but presenting people who have already made up their minds with conflicting information really does not do much. It usually makes them double down on the positions they already hold, because they can feel unfairly victimized by the people who Just Don’t Get It. It can oftentimes feel hopeless, but we have to do it anyway.

So yes. We should take down statues of Confederate generals. This goes without saying. The “we shouldn’t pretend it never happened” defense is functional only to a point. As I said in the other post, Confederate statues can go into storage. They don’t have to be destroyed, if it’s really so vital that we keep them. But their enforced presence in public life is an act of white supremacist violence, and their defenders know it. Besides, how about, uh, we try goddamn being able to talk about what the Confederacy really stood for first, instead of clinging to it as a token that is specifically intended to deflect public debate or constructive discourse on the issue?

This also reminds me of the recent backlash happening on historic plantations in the South. These are often beautiful manor houses with grounds, and they are tourist attractions. They are also, brace yourself for grossness, popular locations for weddings. (I don’t know why, but White People.) The tour guides at these places have finally been empowered to talk somewhat more honestly about how all this beauty was built by slave labor, and white tourists hate it. They tie themselves into knots about how slavery wasn’t that bad or how the Civil War was about “states’ rights” or why are you bringing this up now, that was Just What Our Bad Ancestors Did. This… this is the level we are still at. It’s bad. The white tourists seem to feel that they can go to, again, a plantation in the South and just enjoy the beauty and not to be “forced” to hear about slavery. It spoils the illusion. They want to keep living this way, so they throw fits, and why shouldn’t they? The entire establishment of this country thus far has supported them. It threatens their whole identity. It must be destroyed. And I just… sigh.

Anyway. This has gotten away from me, and I’m still not sure if I answered your question. Sorry. But there you have it.

[neuxue]

Do you have any recommendations for fantasy reads that are dark but not all the way grimdark? You seem like someone who would have suggestions!

I do indeed! That’s a broad category so I’ve put together a list that should span at least something of a range of different types of ‘dark’. I’m not including comprehensive content warnings, because given the nature of this list it would take all day, but feel free to ask if you want more detailed warnings for any of these.

I’m also only including books I’ve read (I have lots on my to-read list that supposedly fit the dark-but-not-grimdark description), so anyone else should feel free to add your suggestions (I say somewhat selfishly, as this is a genre I am also always in the market for recommendations for).

In alphabetical order:

Baru Cormorant (The Traitor Baru Cormorant, The Monster Baru Cormorant; more to come) by Seth Dickinson. There are books that are dark because of the world they’re set in; there are books that are dark because of the things that happen to the characters…and then there are books that are dark because they focus on the darkness within those characters. This is one of those; Baru Cormorant is savagely intelligent and competent, single-minded in her goals but wide-ranging and creative in her ways of accomplishing them, and will not hesitate to set fire to everything, including herself, to see her ends achieved. The books are a sort of…loving deconstruction not of a villain but of an entire set of traits that are usually ascribed to villainy, in a way that holds nothing back and exposes the sharp edges to show both the bloody ruin and the beauty they make. It’s also a rare chance to see a female character cast in this particular archetype. Book 2 is…darker but also really fucking weird. You’ve been warned.

Daughter of Smoke and Bone (Daughter of Smoke and Bone, Days of Blood and Starlight, Dreams of Gods and Monsters) by Laini Taylor. These fall into the category of ‘aesthetically dark’, and lean more towards the YA/romance (with a healthy side of celestial war), but the world is pretty and magic is pain, so there’s that.

Doctrine of Labyrinths (Mélusine, The Virtu, The Mirador, Corambis) by Sarah Monette. Three books hurt, one book comfort. Very very dark, in the way that fantasy of this time period often is, but done…well, I’m not going to say tastefully, because that would imply that Monette shies away from literally anything at all, which she very much does not, but done in a way that doesn’t shy from consequences either. More character-driven than plot-driven, but the characters include a character who is very much My Type (as well as being pretty much the textbook definition of 'disaster gay’), if that tells you anything, and the relationship between the two protagonist brothers, as it unfolds, is messy and complicated and beautiful.

Gentleman Bastard Sequence (The Lies of Locke Lamora, Red Seas under Red Skies, The Republic of Thieves; more books to come) by Scott Lynch. Dark with a huge side of sarcastic humour. And heists. Lots of heists. Locke is an absolute disaster of a protagonist (really just an absolute disaster full stop), and watching him is like watching a train wreck that turns out to be a Rube Goldberg machine. These probably lean a little closer to grimdark than some of the others on this list (characters die; you’ve been warned), but I think they still ultimately toe the line.

His Dark Materials (The Golden Compass/Northern Lights, The Subtle Knife, The Amber Spyglass) by Philip Pullman. So technically these are children’s books, but I’d argue they definitely deserve to be described as 'dark’, if in a different way than some of the others on this list. Probably not for you if you’re offended by blasphemy against Christianity (in the words of a friend, these are 'Pullman’s extended callout of the Catholic church’), but if that doesn’t bother you these are probably the first on my list of Formative Fantasy Influences and I love them to pieces. Contains a rather excellent dark Power Couple that, in retrospect, probably defined a lot of what would become My Type in fictional characters. Also gay angels.

The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N.K. Jemisin. Another one that is probably best described as 'aesthetically dark’. Really interesting setting and characters; if you like dysfunctional families and hot chained gods, this book is for you. It’s the first of a series, but the only one I’ve read so far so I can’t vouch for the others. That said, it reads well as a standalone so you can try it and see if you want more.

Kushiel (Kushiel’s Dart, Kushiel’s Chosen, Kushiel’s Avatar) - Jacqueline Carey. Politics a la Game of Thrones, but told from the perspective of a courtesan, in a world where the whores have voices and agency. Beautiful prose, lots of sex (including the associated content warnings, but focused largely on the power dynamics rather than the sex itself), and political intrigue set in a secondary-world variant of Europe (with forays further afield). Tends to divide opinion: if it’s your thing it’s very much your thing, and if it’s not you’ll probably hate it.

Machineries of Empire (Ninefox Gambit, Raven Stratagem, Revenant Gun) - Yoon Ha Lee. In theory this is scifi rather than fantasy, but it’s heavily fantasy-leaning scifi, so it counts. Very definitely dark, to the point of reading like idfic in the best way possible. Every single content warning you could possibly think of probably applies at some point, in some way. It’s a lot, and I love every single weird, fucked-up thing it chooses to be. There are also some excellent characters spanning the full range of My Type, which, given usually I get one or maybe two of those in any given book/series, is a fucking treat. All kinds of pain, exploration of identity and agency, politics and game theory…something for everyone, is what I’m saying (though also very much not a series I’d recommend to everyone).

Realm of the Elderlings by Robin Hobb (too many to list, but you can find a suggested reading order here). I tend to think of Robin Hobb’s books as not so much 'dark’ as 'heavy’, and it depends on which sub-series you’re reading, but I’m throwing them on this list because Robin Hobb is another one of those authors who doesn’t shy away from things. She doesn’t skim the surface of torturing her characters, or subjecting them to consequences, or allowing everything and its dragon mother to go to absolute shit; no, she doubles down and commits. Which sometimes is exactly what you want, as a reader, and sometimes means it’s time to take a break and go get a cup of tea. Her books definitely aren’t for everyone, but I love what she’s done with the world she builds, and the way it starts out feeling like Just Another Fantasy Setting until it’s too late, you’re invested now, and when the tables start turning there’s nothing you can do but hold on for the ride. Also, really fucking awesome dragons.

A Resurrection of Magic (Skin Hunger, Sacred Scars, incomplete) by Kathleen Duey. I hesitate to put this on the list because it’s an incomplete series and likely to stay that way, but it’s interesting and has a specific…flavour to its darkness that I very much enjoy. The story is told alternating between two narrators and timelines, one in which magic has been banned and largely erased from the world and one in which it has been brought back in a tightly controlled school where mere survival is a high mark of success.

Sunshine by Robin McKinley. Urban fantasy that is its own coffeeshop AU, in a way that is almost but not quite entirely unlike everything that description would evoke. Dark and arguably quite gritty, but with balancing moments of absolute beauty, an impressively rich urban-magic world, and a unique narrative voice. Leaves an astonishing number of loose ends and unanswered questions for a standalone novel; some love that and some hate it.

Vicious by V.E. Schwab. Friends-to-enemies with superpowers, written by an author who clearly loves villains and villainy and explorations thereof. Weirdly a little lighter in some ways than others on this list, but definitely enjoyable. Has a sequel (Vengeful) which I’ve yet to read. Her Darker Shade of Magic series is also worth a read; the plots are simple but the characters are interesting, and again there’s some loving attention paid to all the different variations of the darkness within.

Wind on Fire (The Wind Singer, Slaves of the Mastery, Firesong) - William Nicholson. This is another series that is ostensibly for younger readers (the first book is probably best described as 'children’s horror’), but one of those where you look back a decade or so later and think 'oh, okay, that was uh…darker than I realised at the time’. I should caveat that I haven’t re-read these books since first reading them around age 10 or 12, so take this recommendation with a grain of salt.

[gwenbrightly]

One Does Not Simply Jump Overboard

aka the long awaited Of Milk and Cookies Chapter 14 

Lloyd was pretty sure that if there was an award for totally reckless bravery in near-death situations, Zane had just won it. He'd felt his heart drop when the nindroid dove overboard into the frothy ocean below, the dangers of losing a teammate (no, a brother) before they even made it to the Dark Island to confront his father suddenly very real. And this realization terrified him. His inner monolog of oh no, oh no, oh heck no had lasted way too long before he'd finally sighted the master of ice arriving safely back on the deck of the Bounty again. He was pretty sure Zane had no idea how not okay they would have been if he hadn't ultimately reappeared. Lloyd was barely holding himself together without this reminder that his adoptive family of awkward teenagers might not make it through this in one piece. It had been easy to channel his inner Kai while they were back in ninjago and act all cocky and confident, like nothing was wrong. But the farther from home they traveled, the less sure of himself, or their mission, he felt. The fact that he still wasn't used to his mother's somewhat smothering presence wasn't helping. She was obviously trying, but her efforts couldn't erase years of absence overnight (a fact he sometimes wondered if she realized). He wasn't oblivious to the dark looks Kai and Nya had been shooting Misako whenever they felt she was overstepping unstated boundaries, either. If only their reunion could have been like Zane and Doctor Julien's...

"So," Nya said, interrupting his thoughts as she finally managed to figure out where Lloyd had hidden himself away after dinner, "Today was kinda a lot, huh?"

He grinned wearily at her as she joined him in the little tent he'd scrapped together where the sloped roof of the Bounty flattened into a platform like surface.

"Yeah. Just, just a little." the blonde agreed. He looked out over the darkening expanse of ocean, not quite sure what else to say. They sat there in silence, enjoying the temporary peace.

"I, uh, just wanted to check on you. Make sure you weren't too furious with Zane for almost getting himself killed out there today." she explained, eventually, before wrapping herself in a spare blanket. Nya's ability to sense when he needed someone to talk to never failed to amaze him.

"Oh." Lloyd replied softly, "I – yeah… that was… How does he do it?"

"Do what?" Nya asked.

"Just jump right into helping people, without worrying about his own wellbeing?" he clarified.

"He's Zane, built to protect those who can't protect themselves. It's just who he is. I'm not even sure he realized jumping into the ocean to save that leviathan was dangerous at the time…" She told him as if it were the simplest thing in the world. Lloyd looked over at her, quietly asking, "Nya? What would we have done if – if he didn't…?" He cringed a little, not liking the way his voice cracked. She leaned against him, grounding him before he could allow himself to dwell on the what if's for too long.

"I dunno. I really don't. But he's still here. We all are. It's gonna be okay."

"Yeah, but for how long?" he couldn't help but mutter. Nya shifted sideways, regarding him for a moment before saying anything.

"You're worried about what happens when we reach the Dark Island." she observed knowingly. The Green Ninja opened his mouth, shut it, and sighed.

"I-I… it's just… everything is happening so quickly now… we'll be there by mid-day tomorrow and… I'm… not sure I'm ready for this… facing my dad? It scares me… I'm not brave like you, or Kai, or Zane… I'm just…. A scared kid in a teen's body." he stated in a small voice, turning wrapped an arm around his shoulders and squeezed them.

"You know, sometimes I wonder how you can be so amazing at seeing the good in others, but totally miss it in yourself. You're one of the bravest people I know, Lloyd."

"R-really?" Lloyd snorted wetly in disbelief.

"Would I lie to you?" she retorted, booping his nose with affection and pulling some tissues out of her pocket. Yeah, she could definitely tell he'd been on the verge of crying.

"Well... If you thought it'd make me happy..." he offered up lamely. The raven-haired girl shook her head in disbelief.

"I guess you've got me all figured out, green bean." she relented, marveling at how grown up her baby brother was becoming. Even if he didn't recognize it yet.

"But I'm serious. You really are an incredibly brave person. Who came to save us when everyone got captured by Pythor?"

"I mean, I kinda got caught too, but, me." Lloyd stated.

"Who talked an entire school of future villains into embracing their inner light?" Nya continued.

"Also me. Just not sure I'd call that brave." he protested, making a face, not sure if he appreciated this trip down memory lane.

"And who used the Tomorrow's Tea to defeat the Grundle, knowing full well that it would have irreversible consequences for them?" she finished. Lloyd frowned. He'd rather not dwell on that decision. It had really done a number on him since.

"That's different..."

"Is it, Lloyd? Because I don't think you would've done any of those things if you weren't at least a little brave."

"Okay. So maybe I am brave..." the blonde caved, deciding to let Nya win this one, "But that doesn't change how terrified I am, Nya. What if I can't do it? Mom says he'd never hurt me, and I don't wanna hurt him, either..." he said, referring to his father, "But when it comes down to it, one of us is gonna have to hurt the other... I-I... we're supposed to fight..."

Nya listened to his ramblings with patience, waiting for him to trail off before she offered her own thoughts.

"Remember what I told you when we first found out you were the Green Ninja?"

"That... you couldn't wait to see Kai's face when he realized I technically won the deal?" Lloyd recalled, looking a bit less troubled at the memory.

"I wasn't wrong. His reaction was priceless!" she laughed softly, "But what I meant was... Kai and I – we promised you wouldn't be alone when the time came. We're gonna do everything in our power to keep that promise. So, you don't have to fake being okay just because you don't wanna worry us."

"Pft... I definitely haven't been doing that." he deadpanned, knowing that to deny it would be a lost cause. His sister rolled her eyes at this.

"You're allowed to be scared and unsure. Just remember, you have an awful lot of people who'd do anything for you, no questions asked. Even if some of them are total idiots in how they go about showing it." she reminded him. He put his head on her shoulder, comforted by her words. His family might not be experts when it came to acting responsibly, but he loved them just the same.

"Definitely total idiots." Lloyd agreed, laughing a little himself. Nya gave a contented sigh and let him snuggle against her. This conversation seemed to be just what he'd needed. She only wished it wasn't necessary, that she could give him some assurance about how the prophesied battle would turn out okay because he was Lloyd Montgomery Garmadon, the kid with a heart of gold and an incredible sort of light radiating off of him. But she wasn't psychic. She didn't want to make false promises or whitewash the danger they were in. So instead, she settled for, "Speaking of idiots, I can think of one who needs to be told a thing or two about jumping overboard with no warning and giving us all a heart attack."

"Wanna go yell at Zane?" the Green Ninja asked with a snort.

"Do I ever!" Nya said, grinning wickedly. Together, they left the safety and seclusion of the rooftop tent in favor of locating the nindroid. As it turned out, they didn't have to look for very long. The sound of laughter drew them to the kitchen; Zane had turned his humor switch on once again, much to the bemusement of his father. Obviously he'd ended up in good company.

"Oh, Zane..." the samurai sang sweetly as she and Lloyd entered the room.

"Yes, Nya?" he answered, reverting back to his usual self. Nya took a big breath before laying into him.

"Do you have any idea how DANGEROUS it was to jump overboard like that?! You could've gotten yourself killed! Are you trying to traumatize Lloyd?!"

"Yep, I'm definitely traumatized now," Lloyd joined in, showing no mercy. Dr. Julien followed the tirade with amusement. His poor son seemed to be at a loss for words.

"But I... We... Sorry?" Zane protested weakly. He rushed over to Lloyd. He seemed... Fine? There were no visible signs of emotional scarring?

"Promise me you'll never do something like that again?" Lloyd begged, giving him his best puppy dog eyes.

"You know I am unable to completely guarantee anything, as it is my duty to protect you and others, but... I shall do my best." he told them. Having weaseled out this assurance, Nya decided that it was time for them to stop pestering Zane over his questionable life choices.

"We're glad you're okay." she stated, smiling at the nindroid to make sure he knew they weren't too terribly upset with him. "So am I." he replied. Lloyd hugged him tightly, catching him a little off guard, but he didn't mind. Tomorrow they would reach the dark island. The future was unpredictable, but for tonight, everyone was safe and sound.

[emma-nation]

Thinking Of You (Mona x MC Fanfiction) - Chapter 5

You said move on Where do I go? I guess second best Is all I will know

Summary: Years later, Allison has everything she wants, a brand-new internship as a doctor, a handsome boyfriend… but her first nightshift won’t go as expected…

Genre: Romance, Angst

Tag list: @zoe6111, @simsvetements, @mvrinettes, @whoinvitedalx, @scarlet-letter-a0114, @abunchofbadchoices, @kamilahmademedoit, @janurary, @talkinlikeateen, @eagle-one-1, @andreear17, @tia-bi, @monagf, @monahott, @fal-carrington (let me know if you want to be tagged!)

Notes:

- English is not my first language, forgive me for any mistakes.

- Loving Mona’s personality, that was my favorite chapter to write so far, as it includes more of her POV than Allison’s. I hope you enjoy it too.

The following days passed quickly. Allison closed herself, avoiding both Dr. Carlson and Mona. She wasn’t ready to give a final answer, to any of them. Breaking up with Griffin and declining the opportunity his father was offering could be the end of her newly-started career. On other note, she couldn’t measure the consequences of breaking Mona’s heart. She’d probably go away and do something stupid out of anger. She felt guilty, as she’d act exactly like her ex, abandoning her all over again.

That morning though, she had no alternative, Mona had one last medical appointment with her.

“Well,” she grinned. “The latest results of your exams came back great. You’re officially discharged.”

“Yay, that means I’m officially kicked out of your house too?” Mona joked.

“Of course not. You’re welcome to stay as long as you need.”

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about it, but…” she looked down at a watch on her wrist. “There’s somewhere else I have to be.”

“Oh,” Allison smiled, “where is it?”

“You’ll find out later.”

Mona blew her a kiss and left through the door. Deep down, Allison could tell she noticed how she was keeping a distance since that night. Yet, she was respecting it and giving the space she needed.

“That night…” she thought. The night she confessed her feelings, followed by the news she could be going to another continent in only a few weeks. If only she could make a decision that wouldn’t hurt anybody’s feelings.

———-

“And full freedom, finally,” Mona waited outside the hospital for a taxi. She was supposed to be meet her lawyer again in a few minutes. On the phone, she announced she had really good news for her.

A luxury car parked near where she was standing. Though she was locked up for almost a decade, she was already familiar with that brand-new model. A well-dressed man came out from it, speaking on his cell phone. She read the sign marking the spot he parked.

“The infamous Dr. Carlson,” she thought. “Nice car, Doc. In my old days, I’d love to take it for a ride.”

He didn’t notice her. The heated argument he was involved in, didn’t allow him to.

“I told you to not call me, not on this number!” He grunted, clenching his teeth. “I know… I know… I’m finding a way. I’m gonna get rid of…” suddenly aware of Mona’s presence, he changed his expression quickly. “I’m gonna get rid of this laboratory, of course. They have been causing us a lot of harm. The quality of their products certainly dropped. The medication they’re supplying isn’t as effective as before.”

He hung up and passed by her, with a smile on his face.

“Good morning, Miss.”

“Morning, doctor.”

Mona gave him one last suspicious glance. By her experience, she couldn’t help thinking how shady was the conversation she just heard.

Dr. Moron’s behavior quickly became irrelevant, when inside a hotel room, her lawyer handed her a small package, containing money from the time she worked in prison.

“This isn’t much,” Dr. Terri Williams told her. “But it’s enough to help you to settle down, while you seek for a better job.”

“As if anybody is willing to employ me.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be handling that too. I have some contacts, I’ll help you to find something.”

“Are you my lawyer or a fairy godmother?” Mona grinned, throwing herself at a comfortable couch, while the female lawyer typed something on her laptop. She opened the package and handed the woman some of her money. “Here, all these trips from Philadelphia to LA, they must cost you a lot. It’s the least I can do.”

“There is no need,” she answered, distracted. “The amount I was paid to take your case was more than enough.”

“Huh?! But… you said you took me as part of charity program?”

“Oh! Nevermind! I… mistook you for another client. This one I’m reading about right now.”

“Okay…”

Leaving her alone, Mona followed to her next stop. The mall.

———-

When she arrived, carrying some bags, Mr. Wheeler was still home, for her displeasure. She rolled her eyes. He was distracted, working on an evidence board he had set on the living room.

“I have an alibi,” she announced as she entered, only to provoke him. Allison’s father looked at her and scowled in response.

“Busy this morning, huh?” He asked sarcastically, noticing the bags she was carrying.

“Yes, my money and it’s all legal. For the time I worked in prison. It’s not much, but at least I don’t have to wear Allison’s clothes anymore. And I bought myself a cell phone too.”

“Good for you. What do you plan to do with the rest? Find an apartment, I suppose?”

“It’s not enough yet. But I’ll get a job soon,” Mona sat on the couch, observing the pinned pictures of corpses on the board. “Gross!”

“This is what happens when you get involved with wrong people and drugs.”

“In case you’re implying anything, I’ve never done any drugs. I barely had any alcohol in my life. Kaneko wouldn’t allow us to drink, besides being underage, we couldn’t risk to harm the property we were supposed to deliver.”

“The property you stole, you mean.”

Mona replied with a wink, focusing her attention on her newly-acquired phone. There was a lot she wanted to find out on the internet, starting by Allison’s social network. She could spend hours admiring all those beautiful pictures she posted through the years. Then, she went to search for news from her former crew partners. With no luck. They should still be hiding under new identities.

“Do you see the link between all of them?” Mr. Wheeler asked, getting her attention.

She got up and approached, examining all the pictures closer.

“Hmmm… a bunch of rich frat boys who partied too hard?”

Detective Wheeler sighed.

“That too. But they were all brilliant students, athletes, with a bright future ahead of them. What led them to death was a synthetic drug, that promised to enhance their performance, among other things.”

“Do you have any ideas of who could be supplying them?” Mona was intrigued.

“Sadly, we haven’t found a concrete clue yet,” Detective Wheeler told. “We suspect from students, inside these universities.”

Mona grabbed a paper that was hanging in the evidence board, reading a detailed laboratory analysis of the drug found on the students’ system.

“College students aren’t capable of developing anything of this sort, Pops,” she explained. “They could be selling, but who’s creating… you need to aim higher. Someone powerful, wealth and with a big knowledge of science and chemistry. The composition here is quite complex.“

He looked at her, admired and surprised.

“How do you even know all of that?”

“Didn’t you read my files? All those scholarships I had gotten… I used to be a science whiz.”

She grinned, grabbing her bags and going to Allison’s bedroom, where she had important plans to make.

———-

Allison got home at evening, stressed as usual. She caught herself arguing with a patient’s mother, who wanted to know more than she did, and would refuse to submit her son to any exams or procedures. It was a lot of work to convince her to do so. When she entered, an investigation board was placed in the middle of the living room, with creepy pictures of corpses. Which almost made her throw up.

“Oh dad…” she thought. Mr. Wheeler wasn’t the kind who used to bring work to home. “This case is really consuming you.”

She threw her purse on the couch and followed to the guest room. Her bedroom’s door was half-opened, suggesting Mona was inside.

“Hey you,” she opened it. Mona was finishing getting dressed, looking absolutely stunning in a black dress that valuated her body features. She had also applied a perfect make-up. “Whoa!”

“Like what you see?” She teased, smiling.

“U-uh, y-you look… great. But where are you going?”

She noticed Mona blushed a little and looked down, letting her raven black hair cover her face a little bit.

“I was wondering…” she bit her lower lip nervously. “Would you give me a chance to repay everything you’ve been doing for me? There’s this new restaurant I passed in front, on the first day I left prison, and I really wanted to visit. Come with me?”

Allison stared at her in silence. She was completely torn, while she wanted desperately to accept, she knew where it could lead them.

“It’s not a date,” Mona assured. “But if you don’t want it, that’s okay. I’ll go by myself and eat until I have no strength to come back home. I’m gonna ask all the dessert available in the menu.”

“When I said you could eat normally, I didn’t mean you could exaggerate,” Allison said. “In this case, I better follow you. Only to make sure.”

“As you wish, Doc.”

———-

When they arrived at the restaurant, Allison was surprised by the place. Mona had already made a reservation for them in a VIP area outside, surrounded by trees, with a special illumination and a band, singing live-music.

She chuckled, remembering how soft and romantic Mona could be, just like when she took her to Prom, renting a limo and giving her the night she ever dreamed about. Though she spent the entire way complaining about the fact she wasn’t allowed to drive yet, she now looked relaxed and happy.

“You shouldn’t spend so much money, Mona,” she told. “You need it.”

“Chill out, Allison. I still have some to keep until I get a job. It’s just… we never had the chance of doing something like this. I mean, go out together and chat. When we were starting having it, that stupid Brotherhood…”

She clenched both of her firsts with the memories.

“Mona, it’s over. And I completely understand what you did. You only did it to protect yourself and to protect m–… all of us.”

“Exactly.”

They placed their orders, Allison was in shock with the amount of food Mona ordered for herself.

"What?” She grinned. “After spending eight years in prison and weeks on a special diet, I’m carving real food. I’ve been dreaming about this moment for years!”

“Well, I’m your doctor,” Allison laughed, stealing small bites from her plate. “I need to make sure this food is safe.”

After some minutes in silence, she decided to enjoy Mona being so open and sociable to start a conversation. Ask things she had been wondering all along.

“Tell me more about you. About these years.”

“I was in jail?” Mona gave her a confused look.

“But… don’t you have any stories or anyone you met in there?"

Mona silenced. Allison couldn’t tell if the question had upset her or if she was attempting to remember anything interesting.

"Not really, I had some really dark days. Especially after my judgment. I even considered…” she stopped. “Anyways, I spent most of my time working and studying. As you can tell, I’m not much of a sociable person, I didn’t have many friends. But it doesn’t mean I didn’t make a few girls fall in love with me.”

A hint of jealousy involuntarily erupted in Allison’s chest. As much as she tried to control herself, she wanted to know more.

“Oh, any of them still holds a special place in your heart?”

“I never said the feeling was mutual.”

Mona took a sip of her juice, her brown eyes never leaving hers, as if she knew exactly how Allison was feeling inside.

“What about you?” She wanted to know. “Any mind-blowing stories from Langston?”

“Oh, I made some good friends but I wasn’t the partying type. I’d spend most of my time in the library.”

“Please, don’t tell me you met Cliff in the library?”

“It’s Griffin, but…” Allison blushed. “Yes.”

“How boring,” Mona rolled her eyes.

That conversation brought some painful memories to Allison’s mind. The endless days she spent at the library weren’t studying anatomy or biochemistry, but researching law books, to find a possible manner to get Mona out of jail. Being in the same classes, one day Griffin joined her and his kindness helped to ease a little of her pain. Yet, she took a long time to develop romantic feelings for him. Months, years, maybe.

She still remembered their first night of love. She didn’t felt any pleasure. She spent hours crying under the shower, wishing it was Mona that was sleeping by her side in the bed. He’d never compare to her, or make her feel the same way she felt in the night of her Prom.

“Allison?” Mona’s voice brought her back to reality. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I just… some bad memories. That’s all.”

“Oh, I was starting to think I’d have to eat this giant bowl of ice cream all by myself.”

“Only in your wildest dreams!”

———-

The way back home was silent. Allison could feel Mona had became tense for some reason. They never had a conversation about that night. Allison never gave the opportunity. While she didn’t regret it, she was confused about her engagement and her move to New Zealand.

When they entered home, Mr. Wheeler hadn’t arrived yet.

“I have something to tell you,” she spoke softly, deciding it was the right moment. “About the other night.”

“It never ends well,” Mona whispered to herself.

“I got this offer… Griffin’s father will be working on a big research in New Zealand and he wants us to integrate his team. He even bought us this house and… that would make us anticipate the wedding to two weeks from now.”

Mona didn’t say a word. She didn’t have to. Her face was giving away how deeply hurt and angry she was.

“You get incredibly stupid when you drink, you know?” She shook her head in denial. “But, congratulations.”

She was about to leave to her bedroom, when Allison held her arm.

“Mona, wait! I meant every word I said that night, but… I don’t know what to do. It’s a lifetime opportunity and…”

“And Griffin is not an unemployed car thief, that went to prison twice and will never be able to fulfill all your dreams? I get it, Allison. It was fun when we were young, but now? You want the real thing. A top-class job, a fancy house, a good-looking husband with a perfect reputation and some spoiled children.”

Her heart was thundering inside her chest… Three words that wouldn’t leave her mind were ready to be said loud and clear…

“I want…”

“Don’t you dare to say you want me to be happy,” Mona interrupted her. “I don’t need your pity! With the rest of my money, I’m returning to Bronx, where I should never had left in first place.”

“...you,” Allison finished the sentence in a whispering tone. Mona never listened, she had already slammed the bedroom’s door. “Damn it, why don’t you give me a chance to say it?”

All she needed to leave Griffin, the hospital and everything behind was for Mona to say it back. If she said she wanted her too, there was no more doubts or questionings, she run straight to her arms.

———-

When Mona woke up in the next morning, Allison had already left. Which was a positive thing. She wasn’t ready to see her face yet. Somehow she felt used. Betrayed.

As she arrived in the kitchen, Detective Wheeler was still having breakfast. She rolled her eyes, wondering what would be the lecture or insult of the day. She decided to spare him the work and deliver the news he waited so long to hear.

“Morning, Pops,” she poured herself some coffee. “I have good news for you.”

“Actually, Mona,” he folded the newspaper he was reading. It was the first time she called her by her alias. Something was terribly wrong about it. “I wanted to thank you.”

“Great, Allison already told him I’m leaving,” she frowned. “That only proves she doesn’t give a damn about me.”

“Our conversation yesterday. You gave me a new perspective about my case and how we could work on a solution.”

“Uh, really?” She looked at him surprised, finding herself a seat at the table.

“All we have to do is to implant someone inside an university, to observe these young students and catch the supplier, who will eventually led us to whoever is creating those drugs.”

“Good, Pops. The world is really changing, in case of causing trouble, I’ve helped the police. I’ve earned my place in Heaven after that.”

He stared her, directly in the eyes.

“My point is, I can’t think of anyone better for the job than… you.”

[crescentmoonrider]

Fics I sorta want to write, sorta don’t want to, probably never will (a non-exhaustive list)

A:tla/LoK

Of the inequality of palindromes

What it is : A canon divergence in which Noatak and Tarrlok leave together, build the Equalists much earlier, and the world once more descends into war. Avatar Aang is killed, Equalists occupy most of Earth Kingdom and spread the mercy of the Spirits-sent brothers who will make all equal, and a young Korra is raised behind the walls of the Northern Water Tribe. Also Jet is here, somehow, and would probably be one of the PoV characters, maybe along with Tarrlok ?

Why I want to write it : Lots of potential here for a lot of stuff, I’ve always loved Tarrlok and Noatak’s story, I already made a few sketches after the inciting dream and I kind of like what this all looks like. Lots of situations, lots of characters, lots of trauma. I feel like it could work with a non-chronological storytelling - or at least less chronological than A viper-lizard’s tales - and I’m curious to see how I would go about structuring that.

Why I don’t want to : The Timeline Is Fucked !!! I seriously have no idea what would be going on with the dates and ages of most characters and just trying to figure out and make sense of that stuff is killing me. Also, it would be Long, and Viper-lizard will probably have exhausted me by the time I finish it, so starting another long fic would be. HHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ace Attorney

I will fill your thermos with Worcester sauce or so help me

What it is : A canon divergence in which bratty prosecutor Miles Edgeworth and Diego “I think I am a good person but I’m barely there” Armando somehow join forces to take down Dahlia. They’re both douchebags who despise each other. It’s a great collaboration. They meet one young and innocent Phoenix Wright at the legal library and it’s all downhill from there.

Why I want to write it : Douchebag duo !! Reluctantly working together !! I want these two to interact and to barely resist kicking each other in the shins like the little brats they are. And well, I’ve already made Content(TM) for this, so I’d say it speaks to how much I like the idea. There is a scenario somewhere in my mind and in the sketches I did.

Why I don’t want to : I’m barely in this fandom anymore (if I ever really was) and I don’t like research. What the fuck is a legalese and do I need to know it to write about lawyers ? Whatever the answer may be, I’ll have to look shit up, and it will take time, and I’ll get distracted, and the fic will never write itself.

Hannibal (NBC)

Ode au pêcheur (long ver.)

What it is : A role-reversal AU, in which Hannibal is not a cannibal but still a psychiatrist, and Will is a teacher and profiler with a, uh, taste for uncommon meats. They still meet during the Shrike case, which is what the current Ode au pêcheur is about, and this would be the following events.

Why I want to write it : For one, I already wrote a short piece for this verse, so jot that down. But also I want to explore the change in dynamics, and also Hannibal being completely fucked up but in a different way. And writing Will as this kind of mysterious and fascinating being through Hannibal’s eyes... yeah, that’d be good.

Why I don’t want to : I spent hours reading the scripts, deciding what I would and would not keep, how to phrase it, for a 878 words standalone. I do Not want to know what I’d do with a long fic.

Six Sibylline Books (oracles willfully blind)

What it is : A Psycho Pass AU, with Will as an Enforcer specializing in profiling, having been declared a Latent Criminal since he was 6, because of his high empathy. He lives in fear of the day his Coefficient will reach 300. Hannibal is, of course, criminally asymptomatic, and working as a therapist for the government.

Why I want to write it : Let’s be honest, these two in the Sibyl System would be a fucking mess, and I for one am here for it. Mostly I want to see Will struggle with his place in this world, and watch what his Becoming would be like. Hannibal as a worse version of Makishima who just does shit for fun is terrible too, I love it. He probably wouldn’t even try to do a revolution and pretend to help people, the asshole.

Why I don’t want to : I Would Die. Two very complicated shows with literary references and philosophy mixed in just about every sentence, and a very well-rounded world as the setting ? Instant death. Or a very slow one, induced by the constant need to reference every little detail.

Kekkai Sensen

Fallen Hellsalem

What it is : A noir AU in which Daniel Law is a hardboiled detective who has been looking for answers regarding the disappearance of his younger twin brother for the past three years. A two-parters (by which I mean, two fics of consequent length, or a Huge fic with two very long main arcs), with the first case introducing the world through Steven A Starphase being accused of murder and needing Daniel’s help to find the real culprit. Turns out he didn’t do This murder but is also a crime lord involved in the disappearance of many other people, reigniting Daniel’s quest for answers. The second case is actually much more focused on the actual investigation surrounding Marcus’ disappearance, with Daniel gaining an apprentice in the person of Leonardo Watch, and learning to let go of the past a little.

Why I want to write it : I made a 5 page comic of the very first scene in 20 days. I just really like the noir aesthetics, and also Daniel. I have something resembling the beginning of an actual plot. I love Daniel. Did I mention I love Daniel ? It would be very interesting to have to actually think things in advance and build a case that makes sense.

Why I don’t want to : It would be so much work !! Two parts ?? Two fics for one story ? Or even just a Mega Fic - I would just fucking die. Also, while having to figure out how to build a case that makes sense is a fine challenge, it’s also a Lot of work, especially when I’m more the type of writer to figure stuff out as it comes, or to plan for Big Emotional moments and then turn the plot around it so that it all works organically. I’m not really a planner of plots, more of scenes. Plots kinda just happen. And that doesn’t fly for detective stories if you want it to be decent.

----------

Psycho Pass

The blind Sibylla (long ver.)

What it is : A canon divergence directly following the events of The blind Sibylla (in which Akane shot Makishima during episode 11). Makishima didn’t die but is injured, still somehow escapes ; meanwhile Akane is kind of scouted by Sibyl because she shot a guy with the intention to kill him and her Crime Coefficient didn’t rise, and she considers the offer. Kogami gets a phone call that leaves him sick to his stomach, and he too has to make a choice.

Why I want to write it : I mean, I already wrote two short chapters on impulse, so it’s more of “why I want to continue it”. Anyway the answer is that I’ve got ideas and I want to see where they go. Also if I can get Kagari and Choe Gu Sung to stay alive that would be swell.

Why I don’t want to : Psycho Pass Is Complicated. The worldbuilding is on point, but that also means fucking it up is incredibly easy. Also the literary references. It would be a lot more work than I am used to putting into my writing and I really don’t feel like memorizing the wiki and constantly rewatching the series just to get everything as accurate as possible.

Reborn

The illusion of love and the reality of hate

What it is : A TYL 186918 story about Hibari and Mukuro navigating their hate-relationship and trying to make it work. Especially after Mukuro was thought to have been killed by Byakuran. Would involve Mukuro asking Ryohei for advice because he is literally the only person in a stable relationship who has any idea what he’s doing, and also he knows what Hibari is like. A contract is drafted. I’m not saying Mukuro and Hibari get hate-married but. They get hate-married. Kind of.

Why I want to write it : I’ve wanted to explore a full-blown, healthy blackrom for a while now, and these two are one of my oldest ships, and also one I’ve written a lot for in the past. Love me a good mix of fucked up shit and humor. And boy would there be fucked up shit between these two.

Why I don’t want to : Two words : Sex Scenes. I can’t imagine this story (or this relationship, for that matter) without sex, as it would be one of the most primal way they have of communicating with each other, along with fighting. But I’ve never written smut in my life. Also I barely remember the TYL arc (better than the later ones, but not by much) so I’d have to look that up again, and probably more (likely re-reading the whole thing), but that’s a minor issue.

Red Raven

Cave Canem

What it is : An early canon divergence in which Ricardo gets lost in the panic of the five days of blood and is believed to be dead, while Walter meets Calogero at Castor Arte and decides to follow him around out of a mutual hatred of the Scaggs. Anyway Ricardo joins the Red Ravens because he believes he was abandoned and can’t trust the mafia anymore, while Walter more or less gets adopted by Calogero and becomes Laura’s right hand.

Why I want to write it : I just. I love this manga so goddamn much,,,,,,, Also Walter and Ricardo are very similar while being pretty different, and the changes in dynamics a switch would make are. Pretty darn interesting. I made sketches. I want to see what would stay the same and what would go differently. I want to send more Red Raven content into this world.

Why I don’t want to : This fandom is comprised of three people and a crow, and I know myself well enough to be certain I’ll have trouble staying motivated in these conditions. Also this would be Long, I can feel it. And I don’t really have a scenario planned, so that’s that.

Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle

Snow blossoms

What it is : A canon divergence (?) in which Fai (the dead one, not our Fye) is a dream-walker and meets child Kurogane a few times this way. At one point, Kurogane promises to find Fai and Yui and to help them, no matter what. Later, the then grown Kurogane is eternally confused by Fye’s presence for one more reason.

Why I want to write it : It’s an old headcanon of mine that Fai is a dream-walker, I figured I might as well do something with it. Also I want to write this kid !! Give him some life !! And of course the KuroFye angst might just triple from this. Also, the truth is that I started this one (in January 2018...), and it looks promising. I already have a structure for the first arc, so that’s neat.

Why I don’t want to : For one, it would be Long, and as mentioned earlier in this post, I don’t think I’d have the strength to go through this again. For two, TRC is a cool story that I like a lot, but I hardly think about it anymore most of the time.

W.I.T.C.H.

Whispers under my skin

What it is : A canon divergence in which Cedric (still in his kind librarian skin) seduces Matt as a way to get to Will, and it backfires horribly when he realizes he is loved by this human and Phobos will never love him like that, and he will never get what he really wants. So at the final battle in Meridian, instead of going full Super Saiyan Lizard, he betrays Phobos. He gets badly injured, but he also gains a half-freedom as thanks from Kandrakar, in the way of a human life (plus some minor magic if the girls allow him to) and a duty to help the Guardians in their mission.

Why I want to write it : Like many of my dream-inspired things, it is very weird, and for once I think it’s a very good thing. Yes I had a dream in which Matt and Cedric had A Thing, no don’t ask me how that happened I don’t control my brain. Anyway, I’ve always liked Cedric and I want to explore his character, and the dynamics he could form with the girls in such different circumstances. Also, I’d get to play around with the magic system, which is very cool.

Why I don’t want to : I re-read my w.i.t.c.h. comics maybe once every two years, and while some of them still make me cry (why did you have to die you filthy lizard man), it’s probably not enough of a basis to start a Long Fic. Also it would be Long and I am tired. And ! I don’t have nearly enough references at home and that means I’d have to look shit up, and the wiki is Not Great, from what I’ve seen.

[postfuguestate]

Greater Beauty Yet To Come...

With apologies, but look: I saw another of those posts about the dream sequence in episode 2 of Life is Strange: Before the Storm today, and it was bad enough to finally make me wade into the swamp that is fandom commentary. For a piping hot take on a game that’s...a...year old...

Uh...ahem. Please enjoy this lukewarm, soggy take below the cut. Because I’m not a monster.

So, in episode 2 of BtS, Chloe has a dream/vision in which her dead dad/The Raven warns her about the dangers of fire. Here’s the whole quote. Bits in brackets are where I’ve elided Chloe’s dialogue:

“Fire blinds us, just like darkness. But darkness blinds with absence, with loss...(fire blinds with) beauty. But sometimes, there’s a greater beauty yet to come. Fire is jealous, Chloe. It wants all the beauty for itself. That’s why you need to be careful. (Careful) of getting burned.”

This is evidently meant as one of those metaphor things, but what could it mean?!?!

People tend to pretty quickly identify Rachel Amber with the fire, and there is reason to: Rachel is seen in a previous vision wreathed in flames, she starts the forest fire which inspires Chloe’s dream dad to warn her in the first place, and Rachel’s impulsiveness, easy charm, and captivating beauty all fit the fire metaphor pretty well. Particularly since Chloe gets into a lot of trouble because of Rachel. (Although...does anybody think that the bit about fire being jealous and wanting all the beauty for itself fits Rachel particularly well? Or at all?)

But here’s the big thing that bugs me: the ‘greater beauty’ alluded to is represented visually as a night sky full of stars. And I keep seeing people saying variations on: ‘AHA! This is clearly a reference to Max Caulfield, and what happens in the next game!’

Which...is not great logic, because, sure, BtS is a prequel, but Max doesn’t fit in this game as the ‘greater beauty.’ And the other thing that doesn’t make sense is that Max is in no way associated with stars at any point in Life is Strange. And in the first part of this formulation, Rachel is explicitly linked with the visual metaphor of fire. Now, maybe you could argue that the stars thing isn’t intended as a visual metaphor in the same way that the fire is, which would be...weird, but okay? If that were the case, though, there surely wouldn’t be any characters closely associated with stars in the game who might be alluded to by this visual metaphor.

Except...there is exactly one character who is repeatedly associated with the stars through their love of astronomy and astrology both, and that’s: Rachel Amber. Y’know, the Rachel who is incredibly smart, and has long-term plans and ambitions, and who admits that she’s messed up, and that she honestly feels an intense connection to Chloe too? The one who...is the same person that is also kind of a teenage garbage fire? Because she can be more than one thing at a time?

So...what is this dream scene trying to say, if Rachel is being linked with the fire and the stars both and it’s intended as a warning to Chloe?

Well, what about the first part of the warning? 

‘Fire blinds us, just like darkness. But darkness blinds with absence, with loss...‘

Both Chloe and Rachel have suffered loss. Chloe lost her dad. Rachel lost her faith in her dad. Both of them have been seeking ways to adjust to that loss through short term gratification (smoking, drinking, partying) which comes at a long term loss (trouble at school and at home, which is admittedly much worse for Chloe for a bunch of reasons.) The darkness of loss gives way to the seemingly better fire of (self-)destructive behaviour, something that intensifies for both Chloe and Rachel after they meet. Rachel does start the forest fire in a moment that is briefly cathartic for her but has immensely destructive consequences for the whole community of Arcadia Bay, including Chloe, and Rachel. (Arguably, Rachel doesn’t get stabbed if she doesn’t start the fire. I mean, she also doesn’t get stabbed if the devs had created a story where the playable character was the protagonist, rather than Rachel, and they didn’t need to sideline her so that the player could have any illusion of agency at all in the last chapter of the game, and they chose a particularly gross way of doing that, but I digress.)

Locking into the behaviour that has been Chloe’s pattern for a long time-and which Rachel certainly exacerbates-is, arguably, the fire. And the greater beauty yet to come is what happens when they take a step back and abandon those precipitate plans to run away together and give themselves a chance to build something more stable. Rachel puts her faith in Chloe. Chloe agrees to stick around and help Rachel find a way to meet her birth mother. Them finding reasons to stay in Arcadia Bay and seek stability in each other is kinda sorta partly what episode 3 is (supposed to be) about, although the story is so far removed from Chloe and even Rachel by the end of the game that it’s hard to make a cohesive thesis about any of it that sounds convincing. (Don’t start me on the supernatural side of things, and the possible motives of The Raven, because nope!)

But that’s another story. And my interpretation here? Well, obviously it’s mine, and it isn’t the only possible reading. It may even be a bad reading. But it is a reading that pays attention to all of the text, and not just the bits that fit a theory as long as you ignore all the bits that don’t. Which is the real thing that bugs me about this particular reading of Rachel=fire and Max (somehow)=stars. It just doesn’t line up with the symbolism in the game.

...

Okay, I’m done. I will now go back to my regular schedule of occasionally remembering I have a tumblr and posting/reblogging stuff from a few different fandoms but mostly not doing anything at all. Thanks for reading for my TED essay.

That’s...how the meme works, right?

[its-love-u-asshole]

Let My Love [Ch. 11]

Pairings: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei

Summary: For Kuroo, finding love was all about patience. He had no problem with waiting for the right person to come along, no matter how many awkward dinners or weddings he had to endure as a single man until they did. Regardless, meeting Tsukishima was something he’d never been prepared for. The feelings were overwhelming and intoxicating, ones he was sure he’d do anything for. However, it seemed his endless waiting wasn’t over.

Rating: T

Note: Hello! I am back with a longer chapter as promised, I’m so relieved I managed to power through this lol it was a struggle. Thanks to @emeraldwaves for reading this over! Also be sure to check out some art for this fic here and here <3

Read on AO3! 

Fic Playlist

Tsukishima hadn't realized how rare alone time was at the lake until he found himself wandering about the house.

Sounds rang out from each direction, footsteps up above, muffled voices from the television room. He stayed in the kitchen.

The weird presence of too many options gnawed at him. Where should he go? What should he do? Kuroo would've poked the middle of his forehead for frowning this much, like he did when Tsukishima began fretting about which books were worthy of which display case at the library.

Tsukishima huffed to himself, and he heard Semi laugh from the other room. Right. He should go, and yet his feet stayed put on the refurbished tile.

Normally he'd have Yuuji by his side, showing him around and directing all their activities and conversations. Tsukishima consented to being led around and controlled in that sense, he'd never been one for initiating things with people he didn't know. It wasn't that Tsukishima hadn't spoken to anyone other than his boyfriend, but he'd never gotten the opportunity to socialize on his own.

He leaned against one of the kitchen counters, thankful for the breathing room. He certainly needed it, had forgotten what quiet was like.

It was...strange, but not unwelcome, but he hadn't exactly had a choice. When they'd all returned from their canoe trip, hungry and in need of a lazy afternoon, Yuuji had whisked Kuroo off somewhere to continue their talk. Tsukishima had been too busy helping Yachi prepare lunch to see what that was about, and now no one could tell him where they'd gone off too.

Great.

Tsukishima's hands gripped the counter a little harshly, and he busied himself with rearranging the dishes in the sink.

He'd almost forgotten this too, their situation. Relaxing was impossible.

He missed Kuroo. At least then, someone could understand.

Tsukishima tried to not think about it as the water ran through his fingers, washing over already rinsed dishes.

Kuroo.

Kuroo wouldn't keep things from him. The raven hadn't given him any indication they'd been found out, or that something was wrong, but...

Kuroo wasn't the most subtle person out there and neither of them had the best luck. The idea that Yuuji needed to talk to him, and hadn't told Tsukishima about it...

The pasta strainer clanged against the granite, and Tsukishima shut off the water in less than an instant.

Nope. Not thinking about it.

Tsukishima sighed, pressing his head to the cold surface of the fridge. He was by the door now.

He couldn't help but laugh; nervous or not, he'd gradually worked himself up to inching further and further towards civilization. No where else to go now, unless he wanted to lean against the kitchen door for a few hours. He just might.

But before he could resign himself to hours at the post, the door swung open, and Tsukishima stupidly grappled with the fridge, pulling it open and grabbing whatever he could find.

Orange juice.

With pulp.

I hate pulp. Fuck.

Semi looked surprised to see him there, like Tsukishima couldn't possibly exist on his own, and the thought made him smile even as he poured his glass of fresh disgrace.

"Oh, hey Tsukishima," Semi said, his shock quickly dissolving into something friendly, with maybe the barest hint of mischief laced beneath. Tsukishima found it odd but, hey, this was Kuroo's cousin. Yuuji's too. Oh man, it was genetic.

Maybe Semi was more deadly than he'd given credit for.

"Lonely?" Semi asked, and yeah, definitely deadlier. Tsukishima looked at him suspiciously as he put the jug back into the fridge. Semi's smile never faltered, that challenging competitiveness of an athlete shining through. The question was framed innocently enough, but Tsukishima wasn't an idiot. The automatic assumption would be for him to say yes, because Yuuji was gone.

But.

This was Shirabu's husband; neither of them seemed particularly dense. And well, according to Kuroo, they were 'gossipy bitches' and that told Tsukishima all he needed to know.

"They aren't back yet?" Tsukishima asked instead, and Semi's smile grew. Clear avoidance on Tsukishima's part, but it made gauging Semi's knowledge easier, and well...

Now he knew for sure.

That smug little smile was enough.

"Nope, but don't worry," Semi said, grabbing Tsukishima's unfinished glass right from his hands. "Teru looked pretty happy when they came back, excited even. I doubt anything happened."

Tsukishima couldn't fight it, he sighed in relief, and it must've been another point earner because Semi looked pretty pleased about it.

Tsukishima didn't know whether to like him or hate him, but he figured that sensation alone made Semi genuine. Tsukishima didn't understand what the look was for though. Wasn't he technically ruining their family? He'd come in here, created an invisible divide which would soon be not-so invisible, and then...then...

"Ah, sorry if this is weird," Semi said, laughing as he rubbed the back of his head. Tsukishima's eyes snapped up at the movement, the confusion cancelling out all his overwrought musings. "But I wanted to say thank you."

Out of all the things Tsukishima expected him to say, ‘thank you’ was not one of them. Maybe a serious discussion about consequences, or Kuroo, or something, but not...this.

....what?

Tsukishima didn't even have enough brain power to stutter out a full response, much less act like he knew what was happening. "Uh--"

"For caring about him so much I mean, for...waiting," Semi said, coughing. And ah, now Tsukishima saw it, the nerdiness and protectiveness which Kuroo spoke of. "I'm glad Yuuji got to date someone like you, someone who cares enough to--"

"To lie and hide?" Tsukishima's own guilt slipped through, as much as he'd come to terms with his decision, things would always be hard.

"For doing what's best for him," Semi corrected him, the firmness actually settling in Tsukishima's bones like weights. It was praise he'd never give himself, comfort he'd never allowed himself to have. So, it was only natural someone else provide it. "And...for Kuroo too."

Tsukishima knew it was ridiculous, but his eyes lit up. Just from a name. So embarrassing. He brought his arms around himself, hugging tight. Otherwise, it felt like all the emotion might spill out for all to see.

Maybe he shouldn't have cared so much about showing such vulnerability, when it was clear Semi already knew.

Ah, damn.

"I wouldn't say that just yet," Tsukishima whispered, almost laughing as he did his best to smile at the floor. "I owe Kuroo a lot more than this."

And he planned to give back in full, very soon, and for however long after.

Forever, his traitorous brain whispered, still too hopeful for his tastes. But the content didn't fade away as Semi laughed, expression about as soft as Tsukishima felt.

"Well, time won't pass any faster with you in here," Semi said, patting Tsukishima's shoulder cautiously. When Tsukishima didn't tense, he set it down again, firm and certain. Accepting.

One down, Tsukishima joked.

"Want to come play a board game with us? Shirabu and I need a third player," Semi continued. "We would've asked Kyoutani but...after last year he won't play with us anymore."

"What happened last--"

"Don't ask."

And well, Tsukishima's curiosity couldn't say no to that, even as he felt the impending headache.

"Sure," he said, and a weight was lifted, freeing him from the confines of the tiny kitchen.

Quiet time was nice, needed, but he was ready.

Of course, Semi blocked his path, one more opinion dying to get out. Somehow, Tsukishima figured all of Kuroo's friends were like this, and he couldn't wait until he was confident enough to put up his own fight with them.

Right then though, he'd take the blows.

"Also," Semi said, the smirk back and powered on in full as he poured Tsukishima's orange juice down the drain right in front of him. Tsukishima's jaw dropped. "I know you hate pulp. Nice try though."

Yeah, Tsukishima could get along with these people just fine.

--

Given that they never ever played Jenga again.

"Kenjirou, Kenjirou! Oh my god, stop--"

"Fuck you, I'm going to win," Shirabu said, and it scared Tsukishima how his tone held absolutely zero emotion as he slowly inched out a piece from the flimsy tower. The game had only been going for about fifteen minutes (they all took their turns way too seriously, sad to say), with each move about as cold and calculating as the next.

Kuroo would surely come to regret bringing them together.

The tower currently looked bent at a near 45 degree angle, which...Tsukishima didn't realize was possible, but the more minutes passed, the more stressed he became. The upside? He'd managed to take his mind off of Kuroo and Terushima for a little bit.

"You can't even really win Jenga, the attention goes to whoever loses," he said slowly, distracted by Shirabu's nimble fingers as they worked on pulling a piece from the top. Smart. By now the foundation was fucked. The tower was basically sitting on one block towards the bottom; going for a base piece meant death.

However, if Shirabu managed to successfully get this piece, it was highly unlikely the next person would be able to do anything to stop the collapse.

Whatever. Semi's fault for marrying evil incarnate.

"Yeah, and it's gonna be Eita," Shirabu hissed, pushing the block out little by little. His eyes flicked to Tsukishima for only a split second. "If it’s you, I'll only be mildly appeased."

Thanks.

"Unless you lose right now and ruin the whole game," Semi singsonged, but even Tsukishima could tell he was wound up, afraid as he watched his husband. They'd had to have played enough games together to know each other's skill sets. If Semi was nervous, it was all too telling of the outcome.

Shirbau smiled, sugary and fake, like talking to a little kid. Classic 'sure honey.’ "Which I won’t."

"You don't know."

"I know everything," Shirabu huffed, and at that moment he pulled the block free, the tower swaying just so before settling again. Semi and Tsukishima groaned as Shirabu let the block hit the carpet, triumphant as he gestured to his husband. "In fact, I know everything before you know anything. Exhibit A over here."

Tsukishima stared at Shirabu's finger in disgust as it pointed at him. If only they weren't in the middle of the living room where anyone could walk by, Tsukishima would relay back all his points as to how Shirabu was truly too full of himself.

Actually. Fuck it.

"I wouldn't call walking in on a private moment as being evidence for good intuition," Tsukishima said to the side, knowing full well he'd be heard. If they'd be petty, so would he. Semi made an 'ooo' sound, but he still looked stunned.

Granted, Tsukishima had been mostly polite and reserved the whole trip but, well… They had to know anyone with Kuroo's heart had to be somewhat of a shit.

Just look at the guy.

Shirabu smirked, pleased. "I don't consider the middle of the fucking woods with no doors being somewhere one could have a 'private moment' as you put it."

Semi sipped from his coffee to hide his laugh.

"Well, seems I'm on Semi's side after all," Tsukishima sighed, though neither of them were giving him the desire to cheer them on. Whatever, Jenga was a lawless game.

"Ha!" Semi only barely managed to refrain from hitting the coffee table, and they all held their breath before releasing it slowly. The tower was still secure. Er. Standing.

"You do like losers," Shirabu muttered, and Semi choked at the same time Tsukishima snorted, the first genuine laugh he'd shared without Kuroo being around. It felt nice.

The image of Semi trying to look upset as he physically gripped his stomach from laughter was truly a sight to catalogue as well. Eventually, he did manage to regain control of his lungs, but just barely. "Kenjirou, don't be rude to Kuroo when he's not even here to defend himself."

Tsukishima glanced at him, shrugging. "You have to admit, he has a point."

Kuroo was the most lovable loser Tsukishima had ever met, but the thought would stay chained in his own brain, too ridiculous to speak aloud. The couple stared at him, quiet for a long moment as warmth settled in Tsukishima's whole body, because it almost felt like he'd come here with Kuroo, the way it should've been. He knew the truth of reality though, but it didn't dull the calmness he felt. Somehow, unintentionally, he'd made the best of things.

Good enough for him, and he was sure Kuroo would be happy too.

Semi and Shirabu glanced at each other before they erupted with poorly muffled laughter, and Tsukishima didn't resist joining in when the tower collapsed a few seconds after. None of them cared.

A rematch was sure to be scheduled anyways.

The day unfolded in much the same, albeit unexpected, manner. Tsukishima watched some old volleyball matches with Yachi, commentating along with her and joking during commercials. He'd then managed to get into a heated book club debate with Oikawa and Suga in the den. Apparently Iwaizumi had gone fishing after stating some controversial statement about their favorite book series, and now they were going at it.

They were both wrong about the endgame couple too, and Tsukishima felt perfectly in his right to tell them so. The ensuing argument lasted a good hour, but ended with them shitting on a completely different series they all hated. Over drinks too.

Afternoon turned into evening and Yuuji had yet to blindside him with a hug or outburst, but the wait hadn't been as anxiety filled as Tsukishima had assumed. He'd kept himself distracted, easily so, and hadn't worried about either Yuuji or Kuroo in hours. He wondered if that was unfair, allowing himself a reprieve while Kuroo suffered. But he couldn't imagine Kuroo being upset at this development, at Tsukishima getting to know everyone.

Tsukishima could already imagine his stupid grin. He'd be powerless to return it. Yuuji's too actually, ecstatic Tsukishima had put in the effort.

Dorks.

In fact, now Tsukishima wished they were here, not so he could find out what they'd been discussing, but because they deserved to be having fun here too. That's how it should've been, he realized. Now they were missing pieces so to speak, like the house had one empty space begging to be filled with their dumb laughter and wild gestures.

If not for all this drama, they could've had a good vacation, without Tsukishima...

Shaking his head, Tsukishima willed his thoughts to not take a turn down a darker road. It was tempting, oh so tempting, especially when it was his first instinct when he was younger. But Kuroo was right, he had to stop dwelling on the guilt.

Tsukishima sighed as he walked into the dining room, where Yahaba sat, hundreds of pictures spread out in front of him on the table. It was odd to see the brunet so quiet, and without Kyoutani next to him, so the scene pulled Tsukishima in, as did the pictures as soon as he got close enough.

Oh.

They were pictures of the group from when they were younger. Semi riding a bicycle, Yuuji covered in mud, the classic embarrassing high school candids when no one knew the camera was on. Tsukishima pulled some of them towards himself, delicately holding the old wrinkled corners. Some of the pictures were torn and water damaged at the sides, but Tsukishima thought it fit. His eyes lingered on the group shots, the ones from weddings or camping trips, where it was easy to see how family-like they all were.

How they'd allowed him to mix in with that, he didn't know.

"Oh, hey Tsukishima!" Yahaba said, finally noticing him. He'd been rifling through a stack in his hands from a box labelled 'graduations,' and Tsukishima almost excused himself for interrupting, but Yahaba was already gesturing to the open chair across from him.

Oh well, guess Tsukishima got to hang out with everyone that day.

"Crazy right?" Yahaba said, gesturing to the mess of photos. "Ken was supposed to help me but he went fishing with Iwaizumi last minute."

The brunet sighed, shoveling some pictures towards Tsukishima. The blond squinted, picking up up some of the muddier ones to try and make out the faces. "Why do you have all these with you?"

"Oh, I'm a softy deep down," he began, but Tsukishima cut him off with a laugh. Yahaba was almost as deadly as Shirabu, with a bark to match the bite. Yahaba nudged his foot under the table. "I'm serious! I like to reminisce. Plus it's fun to pull baby pictures and embarrass everyone."

"Ah, the true motive," Tsukishima said, to which Yahaba sent him the fakest of glares. Though, Tsukishima approved. What did Kuroo look like as a kid? Had his hair really always been like that?

Tsukishima set down one of Semi and Shirabu's wedding photos, eyes searching with his new goal in mind.

The universe must've been sparing him today, because Yahaba was handing him the set he needed about a second later. "I mean c'mon, look at these idiots! I'm almost sad I haven't blown these up to portrait size yet."

The three photographs were in good condition, given the graininess of the cameras back in the day. One was of Semi climbing a tree, tongue out in concentration as he struggled for another branch.

"He made it to the top," Yahaba sighed, shaking his head as he reorganized another pile. "But he fucking twisted his ankle like two seconds later."

Tsukishima covered the smile with the back of his hand. The next photo was of Yuuji, and yeah, he seemed as energetic as Tsukishima expected. He was at a theme park, devouring what looked like two or three hot fudge sundaes. He had a birthday crown on. Tsukishima always did like the fact he could take Yuuji to any dessert bar without worrying about criticism. Yuuji could eat, although Tsukishima still won when it came to who could keep down more cake.

Tsukishima shook his head fondly, flipping to the last picture, and his heart sped up in that all too infuriating way.

He'd never admit Kuroo had been a cute kid, never. But...

Ah, so he's always had that grin huh?

Kuroo's hair looked even messier back then, as he excitedly held a fishing rod, knee deep in murky water. Another infamous camping trip, Tsukishima supposed, but he didn't care to take in the surroundings. His eyes stayed on Kuroo; young, happy, unburdened Kuroo. He looked overjoyed with the small fish he'd already caught in the bucket beside him, smiling brightly at the camera. The shot was lopsided, like whoever had taken it hadn't been able to stand completely still. It was funny, Tsukishima guessed. Kuroo, all scrappy and energetic at what was no doubt an ungodly hour of the morning.

Kuroo had always tried to look at the positives, regardless of his situation. Even if the world felt like it was crumbling around them, he kept his head up. Tsukishima owed him for that, for not giving up when Tsukishima himself hadn't known what direction to move in.

He wanted Kuroo to be smiling like that always, like in the picture, and at him...

He couldn't see his own face, but Tsukishima couldn't stop the smile, the softness of his eyes, the light tremble of his hands out of fear of damaging it. His thoughts ran wild, along with the beat of his heart, and by the time he wondered how he must’ve looked, Yahaba’s face showed nothing but realization.

"O-oh," Yahaba uttered, because was there really much else to say? The brunet's eyes widened, jaw hanging open, and it was much more than Tsukishima could take. Like that, the calm and relaxation he'd accumulated throughout the day diminished.

"I..I'm sorry," he rushed out, so fast he could hardly tell where the words ended and began. He didn't know what exactly he was apologizing for. Everything? Maybe. But he didn't take time to think about it, he darted off as far away from the dining room as he could, landing himself in the now deserted entranceway of the house. Each step he took felt heavier, the muffled voices from various corners of the house slurring. At least Yahaba hadn't followed him.

But he still had the picture.

Okay, breathe. Breathe. No freakouts here.

Tsukishima's body didn't seem eager to listen. He chest rose and fell in rapid rates as he leaned against a hutch, eyes focusing on the front door for the sole sake of a distraction.

God, what was he doing?

So much for keeping things secret, he hadn't even done that right. And on top of it, the guilt was back. Here he was, openly fawning over Kuroo with no shame...these people had the nerve to think somewhat highly of him.

Tsukishima shook his head, his stuttering breaths a telling sign of something he hadn't let himself do in a while.

No. He would not cry. Not yet, not now.

They were so close.

The rush of anticipation over the fact made the self-hate spiral further, and he dug his nails into the wood beneath his palm, supporting all his weight. His throat felt dry, scratchy, every noise making his head hurt and his brain scream. His hand began to ache from how it dug into the wood, but it would just have to for now, his other hand held the picture.

The picture.

Tsukishima's eyes snapped open, a little red but salvageable. He couldn't shed tears when Kuroo had been strong enough to keep them in. Besides that...

Tsukishima sighed and brought the picture up to his face, the water in his eyes clearing until the sharp lines of Kuroo's grin became visible once again. Despite his near breakdown, he'd been gentle with the photo, his hand barely crumpling it.

Kuroo stared back at him. Smiling, happy.

It wasn't the Kuroo he knew, but the little boy in the picture held enough of his essence to remind Tsukishima to stay strong.

"Kei, you need to stop beating yourself up."

Yeah, I remember.

Didn't make things any more bearable though. Tsukishima set the photo down as he breathed, deep, trembling, until he felt the word realign itself. Shockingly, it did, having mercy on him.

The noises around him returned to normal, his balance returned, the need to cave in paused itself.

His problems continued to exist yes; now Yahaba knew, and he didn't know what that could possibly mean. Maybe he'd rat them out. Maybe Kuroo would panic. Tsukishima still had to break up with Yuuji soon. He still loved Kuroo.

Despite those realities, he felt like things would be okay. Or at least, he knew Kuroo thought so, and Tsukishima had to put his faith in him. That positivity had become everything to him, the sliver of it kept him going.

But the familiar itch remained, didn't matter how patient Tsukishima could be. He just wanted to speak to Kuroo, to see him and--

The front door opened, like a dream almost, the universe granting Tsukishima's wish just one time. Kuroo looked beaten down, his eyes at the floor, the weariness etched into his handsome features. Not a good sign, especially when the vacation was almost over.

But Tsukishima didn't notice right away; he only saw Kuroo. The raven noticed him instantly, his head perking up, and his eyes filled with that familiar light Tsukishima didn't feel he deserved.

It made Tsukishima smile, his feet moving on their own accord to bridge the gap between them, to have a reminder that all this waiting would be worth it. "Kuroo! I--"

"Hey babe! Just in time!" Yuuji came barreling in behind Kuroo, the excitement barely concealed, and effectively grounding Tsukishima back to earth. "I want to show you something!"

Tsukishima tried not to let the shock or disappointment show in his face, and it wasn't too difficult. He yearned for Kuroo, but seeing Yuuji so upbeat was never something anyone could shoot down. He simply looked too happy, it would be like kicking a puppy.

Tsukishima smiled lightly as Yuuji ran up to him, grabbing his hands and pulling forward. Tsukishima laughed, but the confusion won out, and he glanced at Kuroo anxiously. For a sign, a warning, a reassurance?

Kuroo wouldn't look at him.

Tsukishima remembered how much he hated that. His stomach sank, and he looked back to Yuuji, unwilling to linger on those tired features for a second longer. Whatever was about to happen, he found himself apologizing to Kuroo for the hundredth time, sorry he'd had to endure this. If only he could've said it aloud, he would've tried to say so many things aloud.

"Let's go! Let's go!" Yuuji laughed, and Tsukishima had no choice but to consent to yet another surprise. He squeezed Yuuji's hands as he led him out the front door, and only when he couldn't turn back did he finally feel Kuroo's eyes on him.

--

"Surprise! Er...sorta? Mini surprise! Hardly a surprise at all," Yuuji's words were punctuated with nervous giggles and coughs, the likes of which Tsukishima hadn't heard since he'd first been asked out. It hadn't been too long ago, but Yuuji tended to be so sure of himself, so infuriatingly confident...

Now Tsukishima saw why. This was far from the typical surprises Yuuji usually brought to the table.

The first thing Tsukishima noticed after being led to the rooftop was the well concealed deck; the second had been...everything else. The string lights and paper lanterns wrapped along the rails, giving the space a gentle white glow. The light music coming from the speakers set up on a small folding table, and the plush knit blanket which lay across the floor, oversized and inviting Tsukishima to wrap himself in. It was the kind he liked, the kind he'd always look at in old magazines at the library when things were slow.

"Wow," he breathed, he couldn't help it. The place had obviously been cleaned up significantly, the floor only lightly dusted with pine needles, and atop the blanket sat a bottle of pink wine, the only type he liked to drink, and an assortment of food.

And like the predictable glutton he was, his eyes zeroed in on the dessert. Strawberry shortcake...another of his favorites.

In fact, even the speakers blared soft alternative music, picks from his go-to artists.

Tsukishima's heart squeezed like it was wrapped in garrote wire.

It hurts.

"Uh, babe?" Yuuji stepped forward, and even then Tsukishima noticed he was more dressed up than usual, with black slacks and a button up. Yuuji never wore formal clothes. He looked nervous again, his hand ruffling his gelled hair, effectively messing it up. Endearing, Tsukishima thought. "Is it...it's too much again, isn't it?"

Ah, had Tsukishima really been that bad? He guessed so. Then again, Yuuji's surprises never mixed well with him, those spontaneous declarations of affection. And then again, Tsukishima’s subtle ones had never been Yuuji's favorite either. He regretted that.

But this time Yuuji had obviously given it his all, had poured everything into this. And it wasn't grand, it was simple and quiet, just the way Tsukishima liked. It meant more than Tsukishima was capable of saying. He would've given back so much more if he could've, but deep down he knew it would never be enough.

Because even for him, with this date, the best kind of date laid out in front of him, it wasn't enough. But he still loved it, appreciated the softness and the effort enough for him to reach out and grab Yuuji's hand.

"No," Tsukishima shook his head, and it wasn't a lie. "It's perfect."

Seeing Yuuji's smile illuminate the world made the lump in Tsukishima's throat worth it, one hundred percent.

He did the best thing he could think of to take his mind off the pain as he sat down on the blanket, and he opened the wine. If there was a questionable amount in his glass, Yuuji didn't notice, gladly pouring his own.

He let the scent envelop him, the alcohol refreshing him like cold morning fog. He smiled into his glass; good thing Kuroo wasn't here, he hated wine with a passion. His loss.

"Whoa slow down," Yuuji said with a laugh, his smile as fond as ever. Tsukishima tried not to focus on it. "I don't think I've ever seen you drink anything other than beer."

Ha.

Tsukishima threw him an unamused look, tilting his glass in Yuuji's direction. Yuuji's glass clinked lightly against his, loud in the still evening air. "That's because you only ever have beer at your apartment."

"Well...yeah, I just assumed you were cool with it." Yuuji shrugged as he offered Tsukishima some of the french bread he'd brought, organized carefully in an old school picnic basket. Classic, a little cheesy, but fitting. Sadly, Tsukishima couldn't give it his full attention as the words rang in his head.

For whatever reason, he was getting tired of talking to himself when these things happened, so...he didn't. Tsukishima laughed as he took the corner of the loaf, popping it into his mouth. He couldn't focus on the taste. "You assume I'm cool with a lot of things."

He said it with a laugh, like a joke.

"Because you are," Yuuji said, laughing all the same. Because it was a joke, to him anyways. "I mean okay, not about everything. But most things right? I wouldn't like you if you were uptight all the time, you're totally laid back and...whatever."

The 'whatever' was followed by a wave of Yuuji's hand, which Tsukishima followed, swallowing more wine. It was a little cute, this idealized version of Tsukishima Yuuji talked about. He almost wished he was like that. Spontaneous, wanting to go along with 'whatever' no matter how tiring. No recharges, no alone time. Just the willingness to be towed around.

But they'd argued about this before. It wasn't like Tsukishima didn't communicate, he'd gotten fairly good at it actually. It never got them anywhere; either something went over Yuuji's head or Tsukishima's own. They could never please each other.

But Tsukishima would enjoy this night, he wanted to. No more of this back and forth. He'd endure for one more night, especially when Yuuji had remembered all this stuff about him, had tried so hard. Maybe Tsukishima had been too harsh; Yuuji pleased him when it mattered, and that counted for something.

"I admit," Yuuji continued, sighing heavily. His hand gripped Tsukishima's, and he could only listen, stunned. "I shouldn't have sprung this on you, coming here I mean. It was a bad idea, and I'm sorry."

The apology was quiet, but it was out there. Tsukishima's mouth opened a little, the words lost. Yuuji hated admitting he was wrong, detested it. And to bring up a fight they'd somewhat settled earlier...it had probably taken a lot out of him. But this apology was real, it wasn't a pause, wasn't shallow like the one in the morning. Yuuji wanted to bury this fully, and Tsukishima's burdened heart softened. His boyfriend was doing a lot of things for him tonight apparently; he cared that much.

Tsukishima's bit his lip, fingers curling in Yuuji's. The least he could do was return the favor. "I forgive you."

Regardless of what else might happen, the relief which passed between them made Tsukishima just a little readier to end things. Maybe that had been dangerous though; as the end felt nearer, the waiting got harder, and Tsukishima realized it way too late.

"Can I ask you something?" Yuuji asked, setting down his glass. His hand had begun to feel clammy. Tsukishima didn't even feel the need to be a smartass, not a good sign. But Yuuji did somewhat know him, and he rolled his eyes playfully. "After that one of course."

Dammit.

Tsukishima laughed as he scratched at his palm. The sound came out too loud, and he cursed himself again. His wine glass was still full, but the taste no longer appealed to him, or it wouldn't help anyways. He had a bad feeling, and so far his intuition had been spot on during this trip. The lights around him were too bright, the music not loud enough. It wasn't drowning out anything.

Above all, he wished Kuroo was there to help him. He would know what to say to make him feel like he could do anything.

He nodded stiffly, and Yuuji's hand pulled away as he turned to face Tsukishima fully, eyes burning. "What...do you think about when it comes to like, the future? Not like a specific time just, in general I guess?"

It was about as bad as Tsukishima expected, since there was no way the answer to this question would meet Yuuji expectations. The shock and panic must've shown on his face, and Yuuji backpedaled, waving his hands. "No, no! I didn't meant to make it sound--I wasn't implying, we haven't been dating that long! Like you said earlier...I was just curious I guess. We've never..."

We've never talked about it.

Probably for good reason. Tsukishima wondered if they'd both been putting off the inevitable, if both of them knew deep down this discussion couldn't possibly go well.

Tsukishima swallowed, shrugging as if he didn't know exactly what he wanted from his life. "Well, what do you mean?"

He breathed in once, and let the rest of the words escape him. "Tell me about you first."

Yuuji never passed up the chance, Tsukishima knew that, and he selfishly used it to his advantage one last time. He just needed extra minutes to prepare for Yuuji's smile to disappear, to see disappointment weigh down his youthful features. To keep in the tears.

"Oh man I don't know, it's kind of hard to fit together but," Yuuji said, the image and fantasy no doubt embedded in his mind. He most likely knew what he wanted as much as Tsukishima did. "I definitely want to live in a big city, bigger than ours, lots of people and things to do. I could never live in a suburb or out here, as nice as it is."

Tsukishima looked up at the starry sky at the same time Yuuji did, and he thought about how the woods had really grown on him, how willing he'd be to having a cabin of his own.

"And?" Tsukishima prodded, trying not to sound choked.

"Kids of course, two at least? I think that's a good number, especially for city living," Yuuji said, like he'd really sat down and thought about it.

Tsukishima didn't want kids.

"I love my job so that doesn't need much changing, but yeah I'd say that's what I'd want most," he finished, looking to Tsukishima, hands fisted in the soft fabric of the blanket.

Tsukishima didn't want to be there. Of course everything Yuuji wanted, included nothing Tsukishima did. How was he supposed to refute all that? Here? Now? If he lied...he couldn't. Would not. That would give hope to Yuuji, would make it seem like everything was fine, like things weren't approaching the end. It wasn't fair to him. Yuuji needed the truth, but god, Tsukishima wished he would've waited to ask.

The universe hadn't been on his side it seemed, it had just been kind to him all day in preparation for this. What a joke.

Yuuji kept smiling at him, and Tsukishima savored the image, smiled back hesitantly one last time before he fixed his gaze to the ground. I'm sorry.

Tsukishima sighed, and his voice was the smallest he'd heard it, so stilted and broken. "I'm not really...I don't really want any of that."

He swallowed. No, clearer.

"I don't want that. The city, the kids...both are too much. They're too much for me," he emphasized, because Yuuji's demands weren't out there at all. He'd find someone who'd love every single one. He had to know that.

The silence between them stretched on, and he watched Yuuji's hands uncurl from the fabric, but Tsukishima had partly stayed the same since high school, he was still a coward, he didn't want to look up, to see the consequences.

At least this time, he knew things had happened for the right reasons.

Yuuji's shaky reply hurt despite that. "Oh."

Tsukishima first instinct was to get up and pace the floor; he needed to do something to keep it all in, to squash it all down.

"I mean, we're both young though. You never know, we might change."

Somehow, Yuuji's words made Tsukishima's head snap up. The smile on his boyfriend's face was still there, if not stiffer now, forced into place like a law. Yuuji didn't want him to see how he felt. Great.

Tsukishima could've said so many things to rebuff that statement, to chase after Yuuji's denial and stomp it into the floor once and for all. Why did Yuuji have to cling so much? He knew, he had to know, and yet...

He cares about hurting you too.

Yeah, Tsukishima always forgot that detail. Breaking up with someone was never fun no matter how much it was needed. If Yuuji wanted to put it off, Tsukishima would be frustrated, but he understood like no other.

'We're not that young,' is what he wanted to say. Along with 'let me go' and 'stop doing this' but part of him knew the damage was done. It was simply settling into Yuuji's heart and soul, and sooner rather than later, it would overwhelm him as it had Tsukishima.

"Yeah..." He said instead, and the syllable shook as he let it drag out for too long, like he couldn't reel it back. Shut up, shut up.

Tsukishima wondered why all sounds of wildlife stopped as soon as something serious happened. Like the woodland itself was holding its breath, watching and waiting. He hated it; the silence it left sat too heavy between them.

Frustrated, he looked to the cake sitting a few feet from them, as sweet and fresh as thirty minutes prior. It hadn't been tainted by the atmosphere, but Tsukishima didn't know if he was hungry anymore. It was a nice reminder though, that this night hadn't been a complete drag. Maybe the ending had been ruined but...it had been his idea of a perfect date. He'd loved it.

Beside him, Yuuji chuckled, tapping a finger against the plastic casing of the cake. "You know, I've never seen your eyes light up like that, like when we first came up here. I did a good job I guess...with all this."

Yes, you did.

Tsukishima nodded, biting back another pathetic sound. "You did but, the cake was the real selling point."

Another joke of course, a genuine one this time. Yuuji had gotten way more than the cake right, it was kind of amazing.

Yuuji's brow furrowed, glancing at the glazed strawberries which sat on top of the sponge. "Is it your favorite or something?"

Tsukishima balked a little, his expression twisted in confusion. Was that supposed to be a joke? Yuuji's poker face was not usually that good...

He laughed anyways, because what else was there to do? "Uh yeah, I could eat this whole thing myself."

Easily too.

"Oh wow, good thing I got it then," Yuuji said. "I thought it might be kinda boring at first."

What...

That bad feeling was back, but he pushed it away so defiantly it hurt. It was just one thing. One thing out of everything else on the date which had been perfect. A happy coincidence. Didn't matter that Tsukishima had told Yuuji his favorite food on their first date, not at all.

But he had to be sure, always had to be sure, and he'd never considered that a downfall until now. "So...you didn't know? I figured with...the blanket, and the music..."

Yuuji's brows shot up, and he looked around the space, like he'd forgotten the elaborate setup. He shrugged, fiddling with the frayed edges of the blanket. "Oh, yeah I mean they're great. I'm glad you like them, but honestly I wasn't sure what would be good for a date like this. Kuroo told me everything so I just went with it."

The world tilted completely, and Tsukishima felt like he'd been shoved underwater.

"What?" He asked again, but he wasn't delusional enough to believe he'd heard wrong, he just didn't know what else to say.

"Yeah, the guy's always been a romantic," Yuuji said with a laugh, like Tsukishima didn't know that. "He suggested the music and everything, even picked out the blanket. Don't be mad! I just needed some extra help! And it worked out great! He was a big help huh?"

Yes, he was.

Because he knew what Tsukishima loved.

Tsukishima couldn't breathe, didn't know if it was necessary since he'd gone so long holding his breath this week. Kuroo. It had all been Kuroo.

Why was he not surprised?

Kuroo seemed to be everywhere, and Tsukishima didn't mind one bit, not an ounce. Right then though, he felt chained. He couldn't express that gratefulness, how touched he was, not to the right person. To be able to do that...

Oh. He'd have to let Kuroo down one last time after all then, wouldn't he?

What he'd thought earlier, about the end coming too ahead of schedule, this was what he'd meant and feared.

The next song which played was one he'd recommended to Kuroo during the first week they'd known each other, he'd taken out his headphones and let Kuroo hear the soft notes, the overly poetic lyrics.

This was the last barrier, broken down. Tsukishima couldn't do this anymore, and nothing would get to change that decision.

He stood up with a grace he didn't have, given the storm in his mind, but the resolve steadied him, made his limbs work. Yuuji tilted his head, questioning.

"I'm going to run to the bathroom," Tsukishima said, as calmly and flippantly as he could, already off in the direction of the stairs and down to the house. He moved like a robot, one directive, one goal. He felt like nothing could stop him, and he felt relief, real relief. Soon, it would be permanent.

If Yachi wondered what he was doing when she saw him walk straight to Kuroo's room, she didn't say anything about it.

Kuroo was pacing the floor of his room when he entered, trying (poorly) to act like he hadn't been doing so at the sound of a door opening. He'd flung himself onto the bed, grabbing the nearest book (a boot catalogue) and looking to the door.

Tsukishima's dumb, terrible actor.

All pretend stopped as soon as Kuroo saw Tsukishima's face. The way Kuroo's face lit up...half concern and half joy...

Tsukishima wished he could kiss him.

But if he let Kuroo get a word in, if he showed the slightest hesitation, he would be disappointed with himself. Even Kuroo had to understand, sometimes he'd have to be selfish. Not just for his own good, but...

"Kei, what's--"

Tsukishima backed up as Kuroo took a step towards him, and going against that magnetic pull felt so damn unnatural. "I can't do it. Not for another day, not for another second."

I won't do it.

Kuroo's eyes widened when the words clicked, comically, and Tsukishima still thought he looked handsome like that. The panic set into those sharp features, and again Tsukishima apologized on the inside. It was almost over. "What are you--did something--"

"Thank you for the date," Tsukishima whispered. He had to get that out of the way first. Kuroo needed to understand. The raven froze, caught red handed. Had he expected it to stay a secret? Probably. Kuroo was way too generous. "You let him use your ideas?"

You let him have what I'd given you, what you'd cherished about me.

Kuroo stared at the floor, the regret clear on his face. It could've been their first date, but Tsukishima wasn't about to dwell on stupid stuff like that. There would be more. "I...I'm sorry--"

"I'm not mad," Tsukishima said, and he couldn't raise his voice any higher. It stayed weak, choked, but this was hard for him. Kuroo reached forward, and Tsukishima was so weak, he let it happen, let those fingers curl around his wrist because it was less intimate than holding hands.

He'd held the wrong hand all night, and still he was being deprived.

"Then, why?" Kuroo asked, at a loss. So sweet, so caring. Tsukishima would make the bad decisions for Kuroo, so he didn't have to deal with this anymore. To make sacrifices. Kuroo, who still didn't get it. "I don't...It's one more night Kei, and then everything will be fine."

That was debatable, but Tsukishima understood what he meant. The original plan, the one they'd agreed upon. He was supposed to stand by it, but he wouldn't. After all this, he wouldn't pretend anymore.

It wasn't fair to anyone, and prolonging the inevitable made no sense. It hurt more this way, but for whatever reason, Tsukishima knew things would work out. He thought of Yuuji's strained smile when they'd talked about the future, remembered the hope dying in his eyes. They all knew it was time.

He could've said all that and more, but he knew the best answer, the answer he felt above all else despite his logic and reason. Tsukishima let emotion win out, and he tilted his head, imagining what it would be like to lean into a kiss right then...

"I don't want to spend another night...without you," he whispered, and he didn't mind the cliche of it all, or the fact he'd probably blush like crazy later over having said something so bold.

Kuroo's grip tightened on his wrist, his eyes softening from pain to acceptance, and that was all that mattered.

"Are...are you sure?" Kuroo whispered, his pinkie teasing the edge of Tsukishima's palm. Tsukishima smiled, knowing he'd already won. Kuroo knew the answer as soon as Tsukishima pulled away from his grip.

Kuroo was weak to him, and there was no guilt in taking advantage of that.

Tsukishima walked away, opening the door with a deep breath. If he stayed any longer...he wouldn't want to leave. He had one more conversation to have that night, and putting things off was no longer his style.

"Hey Tetsurou?" He asked, turning back one last time. Kuroo's head perked up, his feet planted to the spot as his eyes followed Tsukishima's every move. "Do you remember how I like my coffee?"

Naturally, Tsukishima knew the answer to that too.

Kuroo's brow furrowed in confusion, but he smiled all the same, smug. "Of course I do."

Yeah, of course you do.

Tsukishima laughed, gripping the door handle. "Then I'll see you soon."

And Kuroo, with his trust and blind faith in him, only nodded. "See you soon."

If Tsukishima regretted anything, it was leaving Kuroo here to deal with the goodbyes, but he doubted the raven minded. Tsukishima would wait for him to do things right, to come to him.

After all, they'd both waited this long.

[meginoi]

Take Back The Kingdom - Chapter 3

Virgil hurried from the room, mind frantically whirling. The Prince really didn’t remember anything? Virgil just couldn't understand how that could happen. Of the hundreds of scenarios he had run through - since he had found the prince face down in the snow on the brink of death - not one of them had made sense.

There was no way the castle would let Prince Roman roam around the woods alone in daylight, let alone at night! No, and when paired with the fact that he had been wearing nothing more than a ripped shirt and just as equally ripped trousers, something didn’t add up.

Maybe the best idea was to keep Roman here, just until he’s healed and his memory returns…if it ever does. Something bad would happen if he was taken back to the castle, Virgil could feel it.

He slammed his hands down on the table, instantly flinching at the noise as his mind flew to the resting guest in the other room. Damn it, he was too used to his own company.

What was he here for again? Right, food!

Virgil hovered for a second, mentally searching his small excuse of a kitchen for a meal. This heavy winter the kingdom was under had severely damaged his food stock. The consistent snowfall stopped him from travelling to the nearest town, and turning to the few animals he owned was not an option Virgil would even entertain.

Which led him to cooking some bacon over the fireplace and offering it with a slice of bread. He cringed internally at the meager meal in front of him, Roman would be used to so much better, surely it was ingrained in him to accept only the finest foods.

But it was all Virgil had, and if Roman didn’t eat soon it could have dire consequences.

So, Virgil turned on his heel, and went to check on his guest.

Roman had managed to shift into a comfortable sitting position. Virgil noticed his eyes were no longer tainted with that sleepy glaze as he turned his head to face him, though they still looked confused and disorientated.

“H-here, you need your s-strength,” Virgil offered, holding the plate out towards Roman.

‘Get it together, Virgil! You haven’t stuttered since you were fifteen!’  

Roman took the plate with a soft ‘thank you.’

Yet what Virgil saw next was a big relief while also greatly surprising him. Roman’s eyes seemed to turn ravenous as he dug into the food.

Virgil watched with shock as the plate sat empty moments later. How long had it been since he’d last eaten? How long had he been out in the forest for? Oh god, if he hadn’t found the prince he could have died. Then he’d have had blood his hands. He couldn’t have that no no no no no –

“-Thank you for that magnificent meal. I can’t remember the last time I ate.”

That sent a shiver of panic through Virgil. What was going on?! Something was seriously wrong…

“Uh, you’re welcome I guess it’s the least I could do. You’re welcome to stay until you’re stronger, if you want that is.”

“Well, considering I was on the brink of death when you found me, I might just take you up on that offer,” Roman smiled, a teasing glint momentarily overtaking the confusion in his eyes.

Virgil smiled, it would take Roman a while to recover but he was glad to see the friendly streak that women all over the land fawned over wasn’t lost. “You really don’t remember anything...not even your name?”

Roman sighed, his head dropping. “I’m afraid I do not. My name, along with everything else, is a mystery to me. However, I am helpless until it returns, so I would like to know about my mysterious rescuer, if he is up to telling, that is.”

“What…me?”

“Who else? I don’t recall anyone else apparently dragging me to safety.”

Virgil sighed, raking a hand through his hair. He let himself lean forward, his arms coming to rest on his knees as his mind whirled and turned. Should he tell him?

No, he’d heard of cases where an amnesiac was pushed into remembering too soon…it could permanently damage them. Maybe…just keep the truth to himself for now.

‘Come up with something, Virge! He’s waiting!’

“I-uh-I lived in this cabin all my life. My parent’s left it to me when they passed. The garden out back is used to grow fruit and vegetables, which I sell in the nearby town when the need calls for it, I’m not a people person. So, that’s my mundane life I guess, there’s not much to it,” Virgil explained, a look of melancholy appearing at the thought of his parents.

“It must be hard living here by yourself. Don’t you ever get lonely?” Roman asked, his curious gaze burning into Virgil’s slightly panicked one. One slip up could mean permanent damage and a past he wasn’t ready to reveal.

“I mean, not really. Like I said, I’m not really a people person.”

Roman looked down at the bedsheets, pulling them taught as his hands curled into fists. “I feel like I wouldn’t be a people person either.”

‘Oh Roman. If only you knew how wrong you are.’

“The never-ending questions are killing me,” Roman admitted

Virgil glanced down uneasily at Roman’s fists. He could understand his frustration, not knowing anything about who you were. But Virgil did know, he knew the prince’s name… little hints couldn’t hurt, right?

“I have an idea. It won’t restore your memory but it might help answer some of your questions,” Virgil offered, turning his gaze to the fire. Looking away was a sure fire sign that Virgil was lying, but Roman didn’t know that.

“I’ll try anything if it will ease the number of these blasted questions!”

“Well, you said you don’t remember your name, right?”

“That’s correct.”

“Maybe different letters or names could trigger something, a memory or feeling perhaps. It would at least answer one of your questions. If you want to do it that is, if not then its whatever.”

There was a moment of silence as Roman took in the idea. Virgil wanted the floor to open up and swallow him whole. Of course Roman’s going to hate it, it’s a stupid idea!

“Well-“

He hates it. He hates it!

“I think it’s a magnificent idea! Where do we start?”

Virgil looked up. He liked it?! “Uh, well how about with letters? Maybe one of them will trigger something.”

“You’re a genius!”

They scanned through letters for a while, evaluating each letter before moving onto the next. Virgil watched helplessly as Roman became more and more agitated with every letter that passed.

“This is hopeless!” he cried, “we’re already at N and I don’t remember anything.”

Virgil sighed, raising a hand to push back the stray locks of hair. “You’re being overdramatic. We still have loads of letters to go, just stick with it to the end.”

“Urgh, fine.”

“O?”

“...No.”

“P?”

“Nothing.”

“Q?”

Roman gasped. “I think I have it!”

“Y-you do?” Virgil asked. How was that possible?

“Quinton!”

Virgil almost did a double take. “Quinton?”

“Yes! That’s my name, I just know it!”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I am!”

“Well why don’t we see this to the end, just to be sure.”

“Fine, I guess I have no choice.”

Virgil hesitated for a second. Where did Quinton come from? He didn’t know what he would do if Roman didn’t remember his actual name. “R?”

“Roman!”

“What?”

“My name, its Roman. I’m sure of it.”

“Well, it sounds a lot more normal than Quinton. Let’s go with that.”

“You must be psychic! How did you know to carry on?”

“...It was just a feeling. You should really get some rest now, Roman. We can talk in the morning,” Virgil replied, eager to leave so he could process the maddening turn of events.

“I guess you’re right,” Roman agreed, shifting to lie back down.

Virgil nodded and rose, making his way towards the doorway.

“Wait,” Roman said hurriedly, causing Virgil to pause in the doorway, “you never told me your name.”

Virgil smiled, staring ahead at the fire crackling in the main room. Roman was just as inquisitive as he remembered. “My name is Virgil.”

[little-panem]

The Raven King - notes

«Richard Gansey III had forgotten how many times he had been told he was destined for greatness» ((paralleling Blue's prologue in TRB, uh?)) - 1

Excelsior: onward and upward

The prologue is #intense AF and Gansey Boy is a king three times and he knows he's going to die

«Time, like a story, was not a line; it was an ocean» - 4

Ronan «Ronan Lynch loved to dream about light» - 25

Chap 6 (47) has the most blessed Bronan exchange, the suspended Blue one

Adam «Adam had seen many of Ronan's dreams made real by now, and he knew how savage and lovely and terrifying and whimsical they could be. But this girl (Opal) was the most Ronan of any of them that he'd seen. What a frightened monster she was» - 57

Adam «Cabeswater didn't quite understand humans, but it learned. Happiness, it insisted. Happiness» - 62

Adam «[Ronan] caught Adam's eye. When Adam's mouth quirked, Ronan's expression stilled for a moment before turning into the loose smile he ordinarily reserved for Matthew's silliness. Adam felt a surge of both accomplishment and nerves. He skated an edge here. Making Ronan Lynch smile felt as charged as making a bargain with Cabeswater. These weren't forces to play with» - 63

Adam on Ronan's unprotected tone with Matthew and Aurora «This tone reminded him of that unshielded smile from before. Don't play, he told himself. This is not a game. But it didn't feel like a game, if he was being honest. Adrenaline whispered in his heart» - 64

Henry calls Blue Gansey's "child bride" - 105

Maura to Blue «"Private school boys? Using random pieces of fabric as apparel? That seems like exactly what you stand for these days"» - 111

Blue «In a Venn diagram where one circle held the words toga party and one held the words Henry Cheng, Gansey might possibly and up where they intersected» - 112

Maura «Consequences, as Calla often said, were a bitch» - 123

Henry to Blue «"Wendybird came!"» - 136

Ronan «His feelings for Adam were like an oil spill: he'd let them overflow and now there wasn't a damn place in the ocean that wouldn't catch fire if he dropped a match» - 141

Ronan «[Adam] allowed Ronan to lean in to compare his eyes – close enough that Ronan felt his breath on his cheek – and he allowed Ronan to study the palm of his hand. The latter was not strictly necessary, and they both knew it, but Adam watched Ronan closely as he lightly traced the lines there. This was like walking the line between dream and sleep» - 142

Ronan «He knew Adam had figured out how he felt. But he didn't know if he could step off this knife-slender path without destroying what he had» - 143

Chap 20 (153) is the Toga Party™ and Bluesey at its peak

Adam «Blue took Gansey's hand. Adam was glad she did. "Gross" Ronan said» - 195

"If you cannot be unafraid be afraid and happy" ((Cheng One with the knowledge!!)) - 210

Ronan «"Asshole," Ronan said. Adam smiled cheerily. Ronan would start wars and burn cities for that true smile, elastic and amiable» - 219

Ronan «"Miseria fortes viros, Ronan," Adam said. When he said "Ronan," it meant: Ronan. "Asshole," Ronan said again, but he felt a little better» - 221

Adam on Ronan's aversion for phones «Now that Adam knew him better, he realized it had more to do with a phone not allowing for any posturing. Ninety percent of how Ronan conveyed his feelings was through his body language, and his phone simply didn't care» - 236

Chapter 33 (236) is The Pynch Chapter™ and I fucking accidentally read The Kiss™ while Hurricane by 30stm blasted through my headphones and it hurts every time and I'm gonna need time to recover oh my goodness

Ronan after kissing Adam and running to a roof «Ronan felt that he had caught happiness without meaning to» - 244

Piper «"Let it be thus, or whatever"» - 249

Henry «He spray-painted the words PEACE, BITCHES on the dumpster behind a gelato parlour» - 267

Something more ~

Henry «"What do you mean Ronan's a magical entity? Is he a demon? Because this all makes sense if so"» - 275

Adam «When he opened his eyes, he saw Ronan was looking at him, as he had been looking at him for months. Adam looked back, as he had been looking back for months» - 297

Blue «It was terrible to see [Ronan] without any fire or acid in his eyes» ((my soul is broken)) - 321

T'ire e'lintes = tree-lights

Artemus to Blue «"All of the tire e e'lintes are full of potential"» - 329

Gwenllian to Gansey «"I stopped asking how. I just did it. The head is too wise. The heart is all fire"» - 338

Gwenllian to Gansey «"Godspeed, King"» - 338

«"[Gansey] can't go alone," Adam said. "He'll do something stupid." "I'm infinitely aware," Blue replied.» - 344

Henry on being Korean «"I am. I got that, and the vandal part, from my mother"» - 359

Henry to Gansey «"Jeong, bro." […] "We instead of you and me. That's jeong"» - 360

From April to November

Gansey «He remembered thinking that it would only ruin the party by reappearing covered with hornets» ((#priorities)) - 364

Gansey «He had meant to find Glendower, and now he was finding Glendower. Joy and sadness, too big for his body to contain» - 369

Ronan to Gansey «"You dumb shit"» - 373

Adam to Gansey «"You dumb shit"» - 373

Gansey «They'd come here for him. They'd come here for him. They'd come here for him» - 374

Gansey on finding Glendower «It felt exactly right»

«Gansey had to duck his head a little. Ronan had to duck his head a lot» - 377

Gansey «Gansey's heart stumbled inside him at the idea of trying to extract both a favour and a purpose for his existence before Glendower turned to dust» - 381

Gansey «If Glendower had not saved Gansey's life, he did not know who to thank, or who to be, or how to live» - 382

Gansey «It was over» - 383

Ronan «The choice was death or hurting Adam, which wasn't much of a choice at all» - 391

Ronan «[Adam's] head rested miserably on Ronan's shoulder, everything shaking, standing only because Ronan did not allow him to sink» - 394

On Adam being the sacrifice «"No," Blue, Gansey and Ronan said at once - 395 

«"Do you ever feel like things are coming full circle?" Ronan said in a low voice. "Do you...?"» - 405

«"He's being unmade"» - 406

Adam «[scrying] was the only way he could survive being so close to Ronan's pained gasps» - 407

Demon «[The dreamer] shaped [dreams] into flapping creatures and earthbound stars and flaming crowns and golden notes that sang by themselves and mint leaves scattered across the blood-streaked pavement and scraps of paper with jagged handwriting on them: Unguibus et rostro. But he was dying» - 411

Gansey «Blue closed here eyes, and two tears ran out of them. She did not cry noisily, or in a way that asked him to say anything different. She was a hopeful creature, but she was also a sensible creature» - 413

Gansey «He fell quietly from her arms. He was a king» - 415

Noah «"Goodbye," Noah said. "Don't throw it away." He quietly slid from time» - 418

Adam «Adam was not Robert, but he could have been, and he forgave that past Adam for being afraid of the possibility» - 428

TRB  TDT  BLLB