#also ????????? was tanya not literally black this entire time literally what are people talking about

[soulofamy]

"tanya wasnt african before, she was egyptian!!" is egypt ??? not in africa ?????

[artsy-hobbitses]

Because my nostalgic ass had been wanting to do this for a SUPER long time, have some Humanized!Mighty Ducks! It’s funny to see how far I’ve kinda come, because I had a strong love for this and most other anthro shows back in the 90s bc they looks excellent but also because I couldn’t draw humans worth a god damn and ended up anthro-ing all the humans, but now I can human the anthros :’B Also because I have no self-control, actual human names and backgrounds below. I might actually have to write this AU at some point. 

WILLIAM ‘WILL’ FLETCHER ie. ‘WILDWING’

30yrs

Canadian (Eh)

Half-brother to Nate Fletcher (Same father, different mothers). Despite this, they have a generally good relationship with each other.

It doesn’t mean they don’t have their issues however; Will believes his father chose Nate as the man stayed with Nate and Nate’s mother, while Nate believes Will is the favorite because they never hear their dad stop comparing their accomplishments as a troubled teen to straightlaced Will.

A decorated ice hockey player in his youth, won several state championships.

Formerly a member of the Canadian Armed Forces, did a security stint in Afghanistan from 2009-2014.

Returned to Canada, opened a youth hockey camp to leave behind his old life before the Saurian threat at which point he was called up by his absentee military father to help spearhead a team of saboteurs.

Initially reluctant, however the death of his best friend and former army comrade, Connor Tiberius, during a rescue of captured citizens spurns him to accept on his terms in which he picks the team members.

Responsible, dependable, good-natured, more bookish than his size and stature might suggest, some self-esteem issues and very much a wary but bleeding heart. In his baby brother’s affectionate words, a “Major Dweeb”.

Trilingual; Canadian-French, English (fluent), Pashto (intermediate).

His codename ‘Wildwing’ came from Connor, who affectionately gave it to him as he was the best ‘wingman’ a soldier could ask for on the field and his habit of going from bookish to ballistic when faced with any injustice. His civilian outfit includes a bomber jacket with wings decorated over the back to commemorate his best friend.

Literally the only member of the team to actually be associated with ice hockey. The others picked it up gradually as a way to bond with each other and discuss battle tactics.

NATHAN ‘NATE’ FLETCHER ie. ‘NOSEDIVE’

20yrs

American

Half-brother to Will Fletcher, unofficially the ‘team baby’ which is something he tries hard to break out of.

Seen as a delinquent in his youth and battling with ADHD, his father strongarmed him to enlist with the Air Force when he was 17 to try and ‘shape him up’ and while he absolutely bucked under the chains of command, he proved to be a natural at flying which both amazed and frustrated his officers when he would ace their flying exams but often break out to fly the planes when he wasn’t suppose to.

Due to perceived attitude problems, he was dismissed much to the anger of his father, but was quickly roped into the same role by Will who saw his potential in combating Dragaunus’ forces.

Hotheaded, impulsive and immature but also loyal, gregarious and friendly to a fault.

Will not stand for anyone badmouthing Will. That’s his brother and only he’s allowed to joke about them.

Codename ‘Nosedive’ was chosen because of the stunts he used to pull in the plane and also as a take-that moment to his father who would often complain about how everything good they tried to do for ‘this kid’ would ‘nosedive into shit’.

Oscillates between loving Will as the only family member to have really given a damn about him and see any potential in him at all and resenting Will for in his eyes, being everything he felt he couldn’t be.

Often in charge of flying the team jet.

Bilingual; English (fluent), Canadian-French (beginner. For Will, he’s trying).

MALLORY MACKENZIE

27yrs

Irish-American

A former cop who idolized her Sergeant mother who was killed helping to defend NYC from Dragaunus’ marauding forces.

She knows Will as a good friend through Connor Tiberius who was an old boyfriend prior to his death.

Has been tracking Duke’s movements for some time prior to the invasion, dead-set on bringing the jewel thief to justice. Not particularly enthused about his way of life, but does care for him in her own way as it was during their little chases that she would have conversations she couldn’t have had otherwise with someone she believed would have no role to play in her life outside of prison time.

When he consoled her after the death of her mother and she had to tend to him after he was gravely injured during a rescue, a strained friendship grew as they defended NYC together for a while with her banding together the remaining cops of the Central Park precinct and him putting together a coalition of small-time criminals who turned their tricks to beat off the alien invasion until Will called her up as a member of his new saboteur team.

In a spur of the moment, she asked Duke to come with her, vouching for his set of skills to Will and despite their back-and-forth snarking (mostly snarking from her, mostly teasing from him), they work with each other the best out of the team.

Her hatred for Draganus is strongest out of all the team and of all of them, she’s the most adept at hand-to-hand combat.

Has no use for code names—-the people she loves are dead or on the same team as her so she sees no point to it.

Pugnacious, Black-And-white view of the world and judgmental but also confident, decisive and fiercely determined. If she has her mind set something, she’s Terminator levels of terrifying to see it through.

Speaks only English but understands Arabic and French to an intermediate degree even if she can’t trust her tongue to speak it, if only to understand what Duke is saying at times (as he unwittingly tends to jump between his three ‘fluent’ languages in conversation).

DULQUER LATEEF ie. ‘DUKE L’ORANGE’

35yrs

French-Algerian

A renown jewel thief (simply known as the ‘Duke’) with a knack for stealing blood diamonds from diamond barons to channel their proceeds back to the communities they were pilfered from. Actually thinks the diamond industry is a huge joke, but it’s a joke some morons pay insanely dangerous amounts of money for. Prefers other jewels on a personal basis (fond of rubies and amethysts)

Ran his own gang back in France called the Brotherhood of the Blade, got caught up in the invasion when he decided to work his heists in New York.

His codename came from the inability of people to properly pronounce his name in his youth and so ‘Dulq’ became ‘Duke’ in due time. ‘L’Orange’ was what happened when having to come up with a surname on the spot during a heist in the States, he blurted out the first vaguely-French word he could remember which was ‘L’Orange’ ie. ‘duck a l’orange’ which was what a former target of his ordered and when his gang brethren found out, it amused them so much they talked him into keeping it as a full part of his nom de plume. He keeps it, because it helps his remaining family stay safe that no one knows his real name and he prefers it that way.

He and Mallory had something he likes to describe as a ‘dance’, with her continuously tracking him down and him escaping her clutches at the last moment. He’s absolutely tickled that they’re now on the same team.

Cares for the team the deepest due to having run his own back home and missing the brotherhood and his own family, always aware of everyone’s emotional and physical condition to the point he disregards his own at times.

Seriously, hurt his new family and you die.

The most streetwise of the team and adept with any form of blade-play and stealth/subterfuge.

Lost his eye and gained the scar on his face fending off ‘Wraith’ for as long as he could from a geologist with knowledge of Beryllium crystals.

The cybernetic eye he hides behind his eyepatch was given to him by Mallory who came across it while evacuating scientists (Including Tanya) from a lab under siege. She obtained it as willing ‘payment’ from them and had them help install it on Duke, claiming that he was only as much use to the rebellion as the clarity of his depth of field. (In truth, was well aware of how shaken he was from the loss of his eye). Cybernetic eye has x-ray and heat-seeking capabilities.

Fond of Mallory (who he may or may not be harboring feelings for but is also aware that he’s greying, a criminal and damaged, like who’s he kidding), Tanya (something of a younger sister to him especially since she’s the scientist who helped install his new eye) and Will (who he treats like a little brother he gotta teach the workings of the streets to).

Egoistical, questionable morals and unconcerned with ‘the big picture’ of global invasion but also surprisingly compassionate, open-minded and does his best to see the good in everyone (He’s a thief eh?)

Something of an omniglot due to his background and the different people he ends up having to work with; Fluent in French, English and Arabic, intermediate in Mandarin, Spanish and Italian, beginner in Japanese and Russian.

TANYA VANDERBILT

30yrs

German

A scientist working mostly with cyberkinetics who also made use of Beryllium crystals (the same the Saurians are coveting) in her technology and upon the invasion, her entire lab and research became a target.

She was rescued by Mallory and has since then tagged along with the fiery redhead who sees her as a sister, augmenting her gear and weapons where needed and even providing Duke with his energy sword.

Absolutely not a combatant, has no field experience and is most often found back at the base playing her role as Command central or guarding the ship while the group go on their recon missions.

Sees herself as deadweight sometimes though her comrades will always attest that they’d probably be dead out there if not for her tech and in-depth knowledge.

Meek, easily terrified and a bit of a pushover, but also innovative, multi-talented in diverse sections of science and always eager to help.

Speaks English and German, understands intermediate Japanese due to most of her lab co-workers.

CASSIUS ‘CASH’ HARDING ie. ‘GRIN’

40yrs

African-American

Originally a pro-wrestler working the circuits, he was caught up in the Saurian invasion and captured as a test subject in order for the invaders to figure out the biological weaknesses and breaking point of humans at their prime.

Was the subject of multiple experiments, but strove to keep up the spirits of his fellow prisoners by way of story, meditation and keeping a genial facade.

Was among the prisoners Conrad attempted to free before they died, led the prisoner rebellion and immediately joined up as a member of Will’s team upon finding out that he was Conrad’s best friend—-paying off his dues, as it were.

Unfortunately for the Saurians, their experiments had been in the midst of testing out how much augmented strength a human body could take before breaking, which left him with well, augmented strength to go with an extremely high pain threshold from both his old job and his ordeal. That said, the strength comes with a caveat that prolonged use of it could lead to organ failure due to the strain he has to put on them and thus he’s only able to work with it for short bursts of five to ten minutes depending on the task.

Despite his size, is generally the pacifist of the group more concerned with keeping people safe than facing down Dragaunus’ hordes—he leaves that to the actual soldiers. If you pissed him off in some way, you have fucked up super bad.

Bonds with Will and Nate quickly, rather like a stable older brother or uncle figure who realizes these two worlds-apart siblings have issues and are way over their head with these new responsibilities and tries his best to keep them grounded.

Hesitant, tendency to shy away from confrontation and almost on an emotional lockdown but also amicable, stoic and uncannily perceptive.

Speaks mostly English with a strong smattering/understanding of Jamaican Creole.

The codename ‘Grin’ came from his tendency to ‘grin and bear it’ when it came to punishment or altercations.

[iheardarumorxxx]

Midnight Sun, Chapter 2 - Open Book

Not even a full paragraph in and I have to call Weirdo on something. In the Twilight canon, it is often mentioned that vampires are always always always cold. Like, big old blocks of perfectly sculpted ice. But here, Eddie boy says that his skin had cooled to match the air around him. Can’t work that way. Either Pires are heat sinks that are always freezing, or their temperature can change based on the temperature around them. Can’t be both.

Also gonna bring up the chapter titles real quick. Maybe SM will try to hamfist it, but in Twilight the chapter titles were (supposedly) related to the chapter. First Sight was Bella (supposedly) falling in love at first sight w Edward, and Open Book was Bella going on about how she was an open book and couldn’t hide anything and wore her emotions on her face etc etc. It doesn’t make sense to me to keep the same chapter titles when we’re obstensively living in the head of a different character.

Would have been, if I'd been able to really see it.

What SM was going for here was ‘Edward was so lost in his own head that he couldn’t even see the sky above him even though it was beautiful’ but this doesn’t work. Wanna know why? It’s because of this:  The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe - an awesome sight

Weirdo described the sky with perfect, flowery detail, expressed outright the colors that were swirling above him and the way the stars swirled and made shapes. He wouldn’t have been able to do that if he was too focused on his own thoughts to pay attention to it. This is what I mean when I say that SM hasn’t really mastered the First Person POV. This would have absolutely worked if instead of ‘I’ it had said ‘he’. 

As a note: Weirdo calling Bella ‘unremarkable’ in terms of how she looks just comes off as those shitty ‘you aren’t even that hot’ responses from people when they get rejected.

And Weirdo describing the way Tanya leaps at him reads really flat and boring. The play by play method to show how Graceful and Ethereal the Pires are is gross and the flat emotionless tone makes it read like a laundry list of actions. 

Chagrin sighting number two. And I’ve gotta say, this little thing with Weirdo and Tanya reads a little more realistically than any interaction between our main couple throughout the entire Twilight Saga. Sure, Widdle Eddie isn’t into her, but they’re openly and honestly communicating about it, which is more than Bella and Weirdo ever did.

Mostly Tanya preferred human men

This sentence right here completely invalidates Weirdo’s entire argument about how he would murder Bella with his Schlong if he ever gave into his desire for her, as there is clearly a way to hook up with a pathetic, weak human without killing them.

Two chagrins in one chapter, I am blessed.

though her feelings were not deep, hardly pure, and, in any case, not something I could return.

This goes back to that thing I was bitching about in chapter one about Weirdo and only reading surface level thoughts. He isn’t an empath, he can’t descern from her surface thoughts how deep her feelings might be. Based on how his power comes across, it’s likely that he can’t actually interpret any kind of tone at all, and is guessing at the emotion behind the thought. Just because Tanya makes a passing thought about Eddie that may be ‘unpure’ (gag) doesn’t mean that her feelings for him are strictly lusty and naughty.

By the way, it’s only chapter two and I’m already sick of hearing about Bella’s ‘chocolate brown eyes’.

That time jump that they did from Snowy Alaska back to Fork High cafeteria was jarring. We have literally travelled through space time to get back to The Plot(tm) as quickly as possible. Maybe, just maybe, it would have been beneficial to see some of Weirdo’s drive back, get some more introspection, more of an idea of how he plans to handle himself re: The Bella Thing, even if it is in his whiny, affected urple prose.

Humans were constantly desperate to feel normal, to fit in. To blend in with everyone else around them, like a featureless flock of sheep.

Unlike our great, wonderful, perfect Pires, of course. They would never dare to try fitting in with the Sheep that they have decided to live among and try to blend in with. This goes to prove my point that SM’s Pires don’t give a flying shit about blending in with humans, even though it is supposedly Vampire Mafia Law that they don’t get exposed.

"Maybe you're not as scary as you think you are,"

Despite the fact that SM tries so hard to make him come off as the stereotype of ‘dumb jock’, Emmett deserves a better series than this one. Not being afraid to roast Weirdo is absolutely fucking A+ in my book.

We are, yet again, applying Pire logic and physics to not Pire things to show how Strong and Powerful and Amazing our Pires are. I must once again posit that these things are not Pires, and therefore, would not behave in this manner, even when a Pire is interacting with it.

I am once again unconvinced by this Let’s Shit On Jessica Stanley thing I’m having to schlock through. Sure, she’s a lil petty, but she doesn’t come across as overt mean girl bully and she never has. SM never made her feel like anything more than a (in fairness, extremely stereotypical) teenage girl trying to be nice to the new girl in school and being put off by her weird behavior.

Small point to make here, just because I realized how bored I was with the debate over whether Weirdo would go to class and murder Bella or not. Because this is a companion piece to an already published novel, we know what’s gonna happen. Now, a good author wouldn’t let that stop them from making the tension feel real. Even though I know the outcome, I would still be focused on the journey to get there. But I’m not, because it reads as dry and dull. The tension isn’t there and I’m not enjoying the journey to get to the ending I already know. The characters aren’t even likeable enough to keep me entertained. This is why companion pieces and POV shift retellings are so hard to do.

it was hard to believe that anyone so vulnerable could ever justify hatred.

I feel like this is supposed to be the first lil glimmer that Weirdo is In LUV with Bella or whatever in this POV, but the thing is, his patronizing tone and the way he is seemingly always going on about how weak and pathetic Bella is just kinda makes it feel like he’s acting like her Dad. 

Though they didn't want to stand out from the herd, at the same time they craved a spotlight for their individual uniformity.

I only have one thing to say about this. Fuck You Edward Cullen.

I feel like Weirdo is starting to craft this idea of Bella in his head, much like he does with everyone else, but because he doesn’t have the crutch of using his surface thought mind reading powers, he has to guess at her thoughts (much like typical normal human people do because we’re weak and pathetic unlike the Pires), and he’s basically assigning her the thoughts he thinks she should be having. He’s crafting Bella into the perfect ideal for himself without taking her atonomy into consideration.

"Ladies first, partner?"

This is a continuity error. In Twilight, he did not say ‘Partner’, just ‘Ladies first’. It’s nitpickey, and I’m aware that it’s nitpickey, but it’s jarring if you know Twilight well enough to know the dialogue. If we’re going to see the same scene from a different POV, the only thing changing should be the inner monologue, not the dialogue between characters.

I could feel myself warming slightly to the higher temperature.

Bzzzzt, no. I already talked about this earlier, but everything established in canon shows that Eddie doesn’t ever warm up. He and Bella cuddle under a blanket and he is still described as rock hard marble adonis ice. He can’t warm up, according to established canon.

And in this chapter, we finally start the Shitting On Mike Newton run. Mike is the fucking worst in this book and is treated like shit, all because -- can you guess??? -- all because he thought the new girl was pretty and had a little crush on her. Mike gets shit on SO FUCKING MUCH in this series just for daring to think Bella is pretty.

Ignorance was bliss to the human mind.

OR EDDIE YOU’RE JUST ARROGANT AND RUDE AND NOT AS INTERESTING AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. The Cullens fucking PRANCE around this school in their designer beige turtlenecks with their flashy fucking cars and look down their noses at the pleb humans who could never be as good as they are, and especially with the way SM wants to paint Forks as this fucking insular hick town where everyone knows everyone and are probably socioeconomically lower than American average, its RUDE AND GROSS and makes them look like stuck up fucking JERKS. But sure. Keep touting on about how humans are scared of you.

And yet again, we get an example of Eddie boy ignoring the fact that Bella (for all of her faults) is a HUMAN PERSON and not some game for him to play. ‘Wahhh, I can’t read her thoughts, that makes me angy and frustrated’ and whining about how he wants her to GO AWAY because her blood makes his froat hurt but how he wants her to stay because she’s so MYSTERIOUS AND DEEP. 

This didn't fit with the scenario I'd been constructing in my head.

And this is exactly the point I was making up there. Edward is making wild assumptions about Bella based solely on his experience with the human condition from his immortality, but he is also crafting her into what HE thinks is the right way for her to be in his mind without taking into consideration that she is a complex human with feelings and emotions. But instead of actually correcting himself, he continues to do this, and we know he does because he continues to posit that she’s deep and wise even though we know different from being in her POV for three and a half books. 

A lot more of this dialogue is changed from the conversation in the original Twilight than I thought. It should be easy to keep at least the dialogue consistent.

I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for.

This is the most true thing that Eddie is going to think in this entire book, and it isn’t even genuine and that upsets me so much.

my mother always calls me her open book.

I would like to use my solid four years of Twilight knowledge to point out that Bella Swan is not an open book, she’s a lying liar who lies about things, even though she says all the time that she doesn’t like lying. She was always going on about how she fakes her emotions for the benefits of others, she is not an open book at all.

The reason she was upset was because she thought I saw through her too easily.

And, of course, Weirdo eats this shit right the fuck up.

"I find you very difficult to read." "You must be a good reader then,"

This exchange didn’t make sense in Twilight, and it still doesn’t make sense here. Unless Bella is being sarcastic based on her previous statement, the exchange just... isn’t good. And it’s pretty clear that Bella isn’t being sarcastic. So. Explain it, someone, pls.

Emmett still deserves a better book than this one. He is literally out here like ‘Everyone makes mistakes, Eddie boy.’ But we are still talking about murder here, so... 

And that’s chapter two. I didn’t mean to do it all in one long post, but I couldn’t really see a good break in it to cut it in half. The human bashing is already getting worse and it’s making me annoyed. As you can probably tell from the Cap Locks. We get the first glimpse of Eddie being ‘protective’ that we know is gonna get creepy and paternal as the story goes along. And I know that SM was going for an old timey thing with Eddie, but Bella’s inner monologue was really dry and boring, and Weirdo is even worse in that area. Yet again, we see the First Person POV slipping. Little things that just don’t work in Eddie’s head.

Join me tomorrow for more, and thanks for reading along. 

[literary-masochism]

Midnight Sun: Chapter 2 - Bella is an Eldritch Abomination

So... I managed to finish the first chapter with only a day break in the middle of it instead of the year or so break I had to take with Twilight. I was hoping that, since this chapter starts off in a completely original place that it'll be... I don't know... less painful? Easier?

That was a lot to hope for, wasn't it?

Instead, it took a bit over two weeks to get through this chapter. It'd take me an hour to get through a page because of all the bad.

But hey! I got it done and now I can enjoy a nice slice of red velvet cake.

Chapter Two: Open Book

Edward, unable to control his 'monster', has fled to Alaska where he can mope while blending into the snowy scenery like the lump of ice he is. He's slumped down in a snow bank, describing it as 'velvet under his skin'. Not sure how because he's definitely heavy enough to crush snow into slush but I guess Meyerpires are Tolkien Elves as well.

Also, Meyerpires see stars as if they were pained by Van Gogh

The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black backdrop of the empty universe—an awesome sight. Exquisitely beautiful. Or rather, it should have been exquisite. Would have been, if I’d been able to really see it.

But, of course, Edward has to ruin it by doing this:

When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction between my eyes and its beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable human face, but I couldn’t quite seem to banish it from my mind.

Another vampire by the name of Tanya (further proof that Meyer subconsciously hates someone (me) that she's never met – Tanya's my given name) is sneaking/not sneaking up on Edward's mope party and... there's a line I'm a bit confused by...

I think Edward's calling Tanya 'exquisite'. I guess Edward just learned that word from his word-a-day calendar because he's used it 3 times already and it's been a bit more than half a page.

She mentally calls out 'Cannonball' and does a flying jump into the snowbank and, in an astounding turn of events, she doesn't land lightly on top of the loose snow, leaving no trace of her dive but instead actually sends up a spray of snow over Edward because fuck that guy.

Sorry, not snow but 'feathery ice crystals'.

Edward sighs and accepts his fate of being mildly snowed upon as the face of the Void haunts his every thought. Or something.

Tanya, concerned that Edward was becoming one with winter and would soon be lost to them all, digs him out of the snow and apologizes, saying 'it was a joke'.

He assures her it was funny (it wasn't) then continues to cry into his metaphorical pint of ice cream.

They have a short conversation about how Tanya thinks she's annoying Edward by coming onto him nonstop and Edward admits to being uncomfortable by it. Tanya isn't used to rejection and mentally gives Edward a slideshow of all the sex she's had over the years.

Gross. And also sexual harassment.

Edward mopes about how much of a coward he is and how, no matter where he goes, he'll just be running away from Forks. Tanya tells him to grow a pair and just go back to Folks (not those exact words) and tries to steal a liplocky kiss which Edward dodges.

With her plan to deflower Edward thoroughly ruined, she pouts with a 'you're welcome, I guess' and leaves – hopefully to never bother us again.

She was on her feet in one nimble move, and then she was running away, ghosting across the snow so quickly that her feet had no time to sink in. She left no prints behind her.

Fucking Elves...

Anyway, Edward curls up in a fetal position to stare in the general direction of the stars that he can't see because the Void takes up all his vision.

He finally gets off his ass and Legolases his way back to the car and every Tolkien fan weeps.

I just want to point out that Tolkien elves leave no footprint because they are considered otherworldly and are three quarters literal spirits.

Meyer considers her vampires to be 'of science' (and I'm assuming Meyer means the kind of science that says the earth is flat and vaccines make you autistic). Now, I admit I'm not the best at math or science but...

Bull. Shit.

The implication here is that the vampires are going so fast over the snow that their feet don't have time to sink into the snow and leave a mark. But the thing is: it's not an issue of speed, it's an issue of weight. Running is basically pushing your weight forward and to do that your feet push down. The more you weigh, the deeper your feet sink in.

This is powdery snow. A too harsh sneeze is going to leave a mark.

This is not the first time Meyer has a problem with her overpowered vampires and them breaking the very basics of physics.

No, Meyer, Edward can't run into the bathroom, fill up a glass with water, and run back to Bella's room in a blink of an eye. Yes, Edward can be that fast... the sink isn't.

Sure, Edward can hear any other human on the road and adjust his driving that way... can he hear the deer that might be crossing in front? And even if his reflexes are the fastest in the west... a car has momentum and inertia that has nothing to do with vampire speed/reflexes/whatever other excuse.

If I was doing segments or counters or something, this would be the first in “Meyer doesn't understand basic science'.

Please, let me know if I'm wrong about this. I'd love a science lesson on things like this...

With that out of the way, I checked the leaked PDF for this part and... some of the trash was taken out. That's something at least.

Anyway, back in Forks...

The Cullens walk into the school cafeteria (calling it 'run-down' which is the only time I can recall it being called such) like a bomb is about to explode at any moment. Alice is so focused on watching the future that Jasper has to lead her around by the arm. Emmett is walking around like a bodyguard and Rose is already done with this bullshit.

Way to not draw attention to yourselves.

We also get told that they actually had a very fun morning, having a snowball fight (aka pelting Edward with snow until that got boring) and how it's such a drastic change from how tense everything is now.

Meyer, you know what would have really set off that difference? IF YOU ACTUALLY WROTE THAT INSTEAD OF TELLING US IT HAPPENED.

I can even tell you how to do you could have done that while adding to the tension. You could have had Edward waiting by the car since five in the morning after having Esme and Carlisle give him a pep talk all night and hearing Emmett and Jasper plotting ways to break the tension. You can have him getting annoyed by having to avoid the snowballs before finally getting into the car to put a stop to it. You can have Esme thinking positive thoughts at him and giving him a thumbs-up while they drive away.

You could have had character, relationship, and world building but... no. No, instead we get straight to the whining, no more aware of just what is at stake than we were before.

This writing fucking sucks.

Edward listens to all the thoughts around him. He's absolutely certain Bella told everyone how he traumatized her with his mean looks so surely everyone would be gossiping about them!

Have you see how mean he looked at Bella a week ago?! Surely they're not human if one of them can give a random girl such a mean look!

You see how stupid that is, Meyer?

A normal girl would have asked around, compared her experience to others’, looked for common ground that would explain my behavior so she didn’t feel singled out. Humans were constantly desperate to feel normal, to fit in. To blend in with everyone else around them, like a featureless flock of sheep. The need was particularly strong during the insecure adolescent years. This girl would be no exception to that rule.

bEcAuSe BeLlA iSn'T lIkE oThEr GiRlS.

Also, fuck you.

Edward is amazed by how shy Bella must be to not have told anyone that he gave her a nasty look! He wonders if she told her father but decides she must be closer to her mother but he'll have to read Charlie's thoughts just to be sure.

Edward, of course, doesn't know Bella holds her father in contempt and seems to utterly loath him until the plot requires otherwise.

As he's listening to the entire student body, he informs us that, a week ago when he went to Carlisle to get his car, they had a talk about how vampire powers always got stronger and never went away which was what Edward was worried about.

WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO SEE THAT TOO!

They're all amazed that Bella didn't spill the beans about how mean they can look at people. As Bella's coming in, they all try to act normal.

So Emmett throws a snowball he had hidden in his ice-cold hand and threw it at Alice who, seeing it coming, flicked it away so that it flew across the very large room and hit a brick wall... cracking said wall.

You maybe be wondering why the snowball didn't break as soon as it hit her fingers... Shut up, that's how!

“Very human, Emmett,” Rosalie said scathingly. “Why don’t you punch through the wall while you’re at it?”

“It would look more impressive if you did it, gorgeous.”

Okay, I can forgive it for this line.

Edward checks to see if their 'acting' worked. Bella is standing in the lunchline – not moving at all to the point where people have to check to make sure she didn't have a stroke or something. Bella claims she feels sick and Edward gets a rage boner over Mike getting worried for her.

Also: Translucent skin.

Edward realizes he was showing human emotion by worrying about Bella so much that he calls himself an idiot for acting like the 'dimwitted' Mike Newton and vows to stop worrying about stupid things aka Bella.

We know how that goes.

And, in case you forgot/didn't know that Emmett killed a little old lady...

“Ease up, Edward,” Emmett said. “Honestly. So you kill one human. That’s hardly the end of the world.”

“You would know,” I murmured.

Emmett laughed. “You’ve got to learn to get over things. Like I do. Eternity is a long time to wallow in guilt.”

Also, does Emmett not know that Edward went on a murder spree? Emmett, we know, killed two people, maybe a few more... Edward killed, at least, a several dozen.

Edward don't feel guilty about shit.

To help make them look normal, Alice throws ice in Emmett's face so he shakes his head, releasing a 'deluge' of melted snow everywhere. Apparently, Emmett's head can hold a lake's worth of water or Meyer doesn't understand what 'deluge' actually means.

Also, the Cullens are notorious for being closed off, strange, and weird. From the first chapter, they sit in silence, not talking to each other, not even looking at each other. Wouldn't this sudden play fight be so out of character for them that it would draw the entire of... everyone in the room? This would be like if your stern, religious grandmother decided to throw a rave.

Somehow, no one else seems to notice the extremely out of characterness of the Cullens but Edward does catch Bella looking at them again. Edward tries to listen to her thoughts because maybe this time it'll work.

Guess what? She's still a void.

What follows is Meyer trying really hard to make Jessica unlikable to retroactively make Bella's assholery towards her in the previous books seem justified.

Edward catches on to Bella trying to ignore him. When lunch is over, the Cullen's stay at their table, waiting on him to decide what he's going to do and...

Would I go to class, sit beside the girl, where I could smell the absurdly potent scent of her blood and feel the warmth of her pulse in the air on my skin?

'feel the warmth of her pulse in the air on my skin'

I know what Meyer is trying to say but... there are a LOT better ways of saying it.

The whole Cullen family discussed what Edward's choices were and the consequences would mean... also pointing out that they are all, more or less, monsters who don't give a flying fuck about humans in any meaningful way. If ants could give a fuck, the Cullens would give less of a fuck than an ant's fuck. That's how little fucks they give in regards to humans.

Carlisle disapproves but isn't going to stop Edward if decides to get to chomping.

Jasper disapprove too but more in a 'Why does Edward get to kill people but not me?' kind of way.

Rosalie wonders how Edward fucking up is going to ruin her day.

Alice is useless (as always)

Esme thinks Edward 'can do no wrong' so I guess she'll probably be very proud and impressed by how good of a murder he is. I mean, he did murder her abusive ex-husband...

And Emmett was just remembering all the murdering he did and how fun that was and decided to poke the bear that is Jasper into remembering how tasty humans are.

So, yeah, fuck all these guys.

I don't think I touched on this previously but I know pointing out the monstrous things the Cullens do seems counter-productive and hypocritical. Vampires are monsters and I'm angry they act like monsters? No. I'm angry because they claim they're not monsters and then wave off whatever evil they do as inconsequential because of their lifestyle.

A vampire wants to be good? Great, I want to see that conflict in their nature. I want to see them fight against their nature and see the guilt from their past. I want to see the pain and struggle so that we they fail or succeed it has a real, emotional payoff. I love those stories.

The Cullens... don't have that. There's lip service towards it but it's only skin-deep. None of them really seem to care about human lives (Bella being the exception) and it shows. They may act nice enough (and barely even that) but that doesn't make them good.

Their search for redemption/a normal life/whatever else they claim to want is like a smug billionaire talking about how they had to settle for the solid gold napkin rings because a diamond encrusted one clashed too much with their aesthetic but that's the price one has to pay I guess. Life truly is suffering.

Their sincerity rings false and it shows.

Back to this shit show and, in a genuinely surprising turn of events, Jasper 'Murder-boner' Hale tells Edward to take it slow, maybe even go home. Yes, Jasper is a bit smug that Perfect Edward was struggling but it's still better advice than any of these other murderers have suggested.

But, of course, Edward's pride is more important than these insignificant humans so he stays.

Edward decides to go, of course he does, but he also remembers how he promised himself that he wouldn't get 'unduly interested' in Bella because she's the void. He seems to have forgotten that, in the same breath, he vowed to figure out what she was thinking no matter what.

(But we already know everyone in this book has a selective memory when it comes to moving the plot along.)

He wonders if staring into the void will somehow help him figure out what she's thinking.

He hurries his butt to class, making sure we know what each individual 'sibling' feels about this. He gets to class before it starts and sees Bella doodling on her folder. He thinks that this will be a peek into Bella's thoughts...

… and he's disappointed that it's just circles within circles (though now I wonder if a picture of the drawings from The Ring might not have been better). He does the thing I hate where Meyer sucker punches us with a hint concerning Bella's actions from the first book: he concludes that she must to be thinking of something other than what she's actually doodling.

As he sits down, he notices her 'deer in headlights, if I don't move the car can't see me' approach to being near him and, in a moment of true human emotion, he promises himself he'll try and leave a better impression this time so she's not so scare of him.

Just kidding, he's going to leave a good impression to gaslight the fuck out of her into thinking she just imagined him giving her a mean look.

He gives her his most polite smile, careful not to show his teeth. I don't know why because Meyerpires don't have fangs.

Bella stares at him in wide-eyed confusion which is, apparently, the exact expression he's been daydreaming about for the last week.

...okay? Weirdo.

He stares into her eyes, telling us all the shades of brown they are (milk chocolate but clearer like tea because I guess Meyer didn't realize tea can be pretty dark) and about the flecks of color in them that isn't brown (basically bright green and yellow only described with more purple prose) and never realizing that means her eyes are hazel which I find hilarious after the big deal they made about losing Bella's dark brown eyes due to the food meter vampire eyes they have.

To Edweirdo's surprise, he finds he can't hate her anymore.

I approve because at least we get to see this tiny bit of actual falling in love here that was, as far as I'm concerned, completely and utterly absent in the rest of the series. Seriously, it was getting awkward with them getting married and her pushing out a kid and I'm still waiting for any hint that they're actually in love.

It's a nice change of pace.

Edward stares her into submission and claims he didn't have a chance to introduce himself and, being the gentleman he is, he reminds her of her own name, in case she forgot.

Bella, having forgotten that new students usually get introduced to the class and that, after a week of being at school, most people would know her preferred calling... asks how the person sitting next to her knows her nickname.

I must have truly terrified her, and this made me feel guilty. I laughed gently—it was a sound that I knew made humans more at ease.

“Oh, I think everyone knows your name.” Surely, she must have realized that she’d become the center of attention in this monotonous place. “The whole town’s been waiting for you to arrive.”

The thing is: she does know she's the center of attention because she bitched about it nonstop in the first book! Which makes the 'Isabella/Bella' thing even more stupid.

She frowned as if this information was unpleasant. I supposed, being shy as she appeared to be, attention would seem like a bad thing to her. Most humans felt the opposite. Though they didn’t want to stand out from the herd, at the same time they craved a spotlight for their individual uniformity.

Fuck off! Just fuck off!

I had to take a break after that stupid just so I could deal with the stupidity of the rest of the page.

I know it's a stupid thing to get hung up on but Meyer plays Edward knowing Bella's name as the first hint that he can read minds and... it's really not a good example. Especially with how Edward reacts to it:

I’d just realized what her questions meant: I had slipped up—made an error. If I hadn’t been eavesdropping on all the others that first day, then I would have addressed her initially by her full name. She’d noticed the difference.

I felt a pang of unease. It was very quick of her to pick up on my slip. Quite astute, especially for someone who was supposed to be terrified by my proximity.

Yes, you heard it all the time that first day and probably the first day back since that's her preferred name. Everyone calls her that, especially by now. It's not a hard thing to pick up on. Edward acts as though she's going to call him out on his vampirism any moment now. It's not only stupid but it's a bad plot device to try and convince us how astute Bella is when, really, it's just Edward being paranoid because despite being a vampire around humans since 1920, he has no idea how to act around them and has never made the effort.

To make matters worse, his coping mechanism around Bella is to not breath... and he needs to do that now if he wants to keep talking to her. Because not talking to her would be 'incomprehensible rude'. Because that's what matters here: politeness.

Edward needs a cheekily little breath and...

Ahh!

It was intensely painful, like swallowing burning coals.

Meyer... when people go 'Ahh!' after taking a breath, or having a drink, or anything refreshing really, it's because they're expressing relief... not because they're in sudden pain.

We get the same awkward (in a good way because teenagers are supposed to be awkward) 'Ladies first' exchange concerning the microscope.

Bella just stares at him blankly...

… and having seen the darkness that surrounds and inhabits every living thing in the universe, he says he can start if she likes and to please not consume his consciousness to feed her insatiable appetite.

I added the last part but I feel it was implied.

She insists she goes first and, fearing for his soul/consciousness/whatever, he agrees. She says it's prophase. He asks to check it and:

Instinctively—stupidly, as if I were one of her kind—

Gotta make sure we know he thinks humans are stupid. You know, in case you forgot.

Their hands briefly touch and they're zapped with the Static Shock of Twu Wuv though Meyer plays it off as Bella's skin feeling so hot against Edward's cold, disgusting, yucky, cootie-ridden hand. He wonders what she must think after touching his horrible, icy skin and concludes she must be repulsed by him.

Or, you know, think you were having a snowball fight with your siblings during lunch. Or that you have poor circulation. Or that it's fucking Forks and everything is cold.

Also, Meyerpires's relation to temperature doesn't make sense unless they are a literal heatsink. Their temperature don't settle into that of the area around them, like other dead things/rock, but just absorbs heat nonstop. But that's a complaint we'll see again later.

Terrified that if he glanced into the void once again his mind would become consumed with madness, he does the next slide in their assignment. She asks to check his answer since turnabout is fairplay. Except Edward has, apparently, never heard of this and is shocked that this lowly hooman/eldritch being might think he's wrong!

But he sees the hopeful look on her skinless face and can't help but smile because Mood Whiplash is something else Meyer doesn't get. Bella is disappointed to find Edward is right but decides to spare his sanity in order to fuck with mine:

I dropped the next slide into her palm, keeping my skin far from hers this time. Sitting beside her was like sitting next to a heat lamp. I could feel myself warming slightly to the higher temperature.

THAT IS NOT HOW... HE CAN'T JUST GET HEAT FROM... AMBIENT TEMPERATURE...

They finish the assignment first because of fucking course they did and then we get this:

Wish he’d stayed wherever he went, Mike thought, eyeing me sulfurously.

Mike thought, eyeing me sulfurously.

eyeing me sulfurously.

sulfurously.

THAT IS NOT A PROPER WORD. EVEN IF IT WAS, THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.

WAS MIKE EYEING YOU SO HARD YELLOWISH VAPOR THAT SMELLS OF ROTTING EGGS WAS COMING OUT? DID HIS EYES TURN YELLOW INSTEAD OF YOURS?!

BECAUSE THAT IS EVERY MEANING FOR SULFUROUS, MEYER JUST ADDED 'LY' TO THE END BECAUSE SHE HATES ME AND EVERYONE ELSE.

Okay, I'm calm now.

Edward is surprised about how much Mike seems to hate him. Way to go on that whole 'Keep track of everyone's thoughts in case the townsfolk have a sudden interest in pitchforks and torches' thing.

He's also surprised to find the feeling is mutual. I'm surprised because Edward already hates everyone and everything so why is this new information?

Edward admits he understands Mike's attraction, that Bella is actually kinda pretty for a human...

Fuck you.

...but in an 'unusual' way.

Better than being beautiful, her face was… unexpected. Not quite symmetrical—her narrow chin out of balance with her wide cheekbones

Aka: a heart shaped face which is actually a very common face shape and classically attractive.

extreme in the coloring—the contrast of her light skin and dark hair

Also a very feature that we see over and over again in conventionally attractive actors/models/what have you.

and then there were the eyes, too big for her face, brimming over with silent secrets.…

Eyes that were suddenly boring into mine.

Bella decides to spare his consciousness but only so she could send it out of his body, trapping him in the nothingness between atoms to witness the everlasting and all encompassing void and know nothing else for all eternity.

Nah, she was just wondering why his eyes are all sulfurously yellow and weird looking.

Edward:

We get a long paragraph of Edward explaining that yes, his eyes are different because he ate all the Bambis and Bambis's Moms in the forest though he used more words than that.

He then calls himself an idiot for not realizing why Bella was asking about contacts.

He tells us that in the two years of being in that school that no one every looked at them close enough to notice their eye colors – despite them being extremely beautiful and attractive – because once they get a glimpse of their beauty, they're disgusted by them and have to look away because humans are just so stupid, you know?

Why did it have to be this girl who would see too much?

In reality, she ain't seen shit. Though, with Meyer goggles firmly in place...

The teacher comes to investigate why these two monsters aren't working, being the creep who, according to Meyer, fantasized about Bella, his underaged student, when she first moved to Forks, decides wemins can't science and assumes Edward did all the work.

Upon learning that Bella answered most of them, the teacher reevaluates his life and how, maybe, the female population aren't as dumb as he thought and thus deserve to be more than masturbation fodder for him.

Or Bella can just admit she already did this assignment in her much better, city-based school she went to before, thus helping to undermine her contribution as well as her intelligence.

Neither make Meyer look particularly good because, even if she didn't write the teacher lusting after his students into the text, she did reveal it elsewhere and thus can be argued to be canon.

Also: Banner calls Bella 'Isabella' but he doesn't have the excuse of fleeing the country for a week. Does he never do roll call? Has she never corrected him in that week? Has he completely missed her signing her work with 'Bella'?

Truly, the most mysterious thing that has happened so far.

Anyway, Banner is shocked that Bella's already did the assignment because he pulled it from a senior class...

So... did he not actually tell them what to look for? No chapter to read, no diagrams drawn/projected on the board? He just... pulled out some slides, told them words they might not have even covered, then set them to it?

What a fucking asshole.

Also, googling it I can find lessons on mitosis going back to Middle School.

At this rate the art teacher will be shocked that Bella can draw a triangle.

Also:

She was advanced, then, intelligent for a human. This did not surprise me.

Fuck you.

Banner walks off, muttering to himself about kids these days, not instinctively knowing science because he sure as fuck isn't going to teach it to them.

Edward is ashamed of his 'slips' in the past thirty minutes and is still completely sure that Bella is not only terrified of him but suspects something. He's determined to leave a good impression on her because... gaslighting.

Edward tries some small talk he heard the hoomans around them doing (because after 17 years of BEING human and several decades of pretending to be human, he still has no idea how to human).

He brings up the snow melting and how that sucks, huh?

She stares into his mind and rips every memory, thought, hope, and dream he's ever had and sends the shreds into the void where they belong.

Her reaction of 'Not really' sends him for a loop. Thankfully, he's a vampire which makes him so much smarter than everyone else in existence and he puts together that she's probably from a much warmer place (because her albino skin still seems somehow tanned to him) and thus must hate all this cold weather!

He announces his revelation: “You don't like the cold.���

She agrees and tacks on that she doesn't like the wet either.

Edward's reaction is fucking hilarious:

“Forks must be a difficult place for you to live.” Perhaps you should not have come here, I wanted to add. Perhaps you should go back where you belong.

That was nice, wasn't it? But now we get this:

I wasn’t sure I wanted that, though. I would always remember the scent of her blood—was there any guarantee that I wouldn’t eventually follow her? Besides, if she left, her mind would forever remain a mystery, a constant, nagging puzzle.

But, remember, he's not going to obsess over her just because he can't read her mind.

What I think Meyer is trying to do is create tension via internal conflict but this... isn't how you do that. Not well anyway. All she's done is have Edward mentally contradict himself over and over again. To do this properly, I feel, he should mentally say he's not going to do thing but actually, physically, catching himself doing it.

He can claim he doesn't want to know about Bella's thoughts then try and sneak a peek at her notebook to see what she's written just in case it's not notes.

That's a little bit better than this flip-flopping we got going on now. Not much, but better.

Back to this slop:

Bella shows Edward how Not Like Other Girls she is because she never answers how Edward expects! Because, as we've seen, Edward is just a master of human behavior.

He 'demands' to know why Bella moved here if she hates Forks so much but realizes he probably sounded very rude and impolite.

Fuck off Meyer. I know what you're trying to do but all the 'Oh, that was so rude!' doesn't make this asshole a gentleman.

Bella gives him the 'It's complicated' not answer and Edward 'implodes out of curiosity'. Surely it'd be implodes with curiosity? Or was Meyer trying to be clever and switch around implode/explode without thinking about the meaning?

WORDS MEAN THINGS

But Edward's 'curiosity' overpowers his thirst for a moment and all I can think of is:

Edward assures her he can keep up, mentally rejoicing that she's answering his questions and that, despite it being 'rude', if he keeps asking she just may keep answering!

Edward has just figured out how conversation works. It only took him a century to do it.

She doesn't answer him immediately, instead staring down at her hands. He wants to see into her void-eyes, longing to be reduced to nothingness, to feel freedom from this existence and the prison that is sanity, but he can't risk reaching out to touch her.

She suddenly looks up to meet his eyes. Why suddenly? I think she just remembered she existed and someone asked her a question.

She tells him, sorrowfully, that her mother got remarried.

“That doesn’t sound so complex,” I said, my voice gentle without my working to make it that way. Her dejection left me oddly helpless, wishing there was something I could do to make her feel better. A strange impulse.

Does anyone even use dejected anymore? Or at least not at the intensity that it used to be? Because when I hear dejected, I just think of the 'aw man, I didn't get the lead role in the school play!' kind of sad.

Also, kinda pointless because we know the reason for Bella's 'dejection', is because she just really hates the rain and mocking her father's lack of a love life or relationship with his only child gets old quick.

He asks if Bella doesn't like her new stepdad but Bella corrects him because she actually does like him. Which completely ruins whatever fantasy Edward was concocting in his head that we don't get to read in this first person narrative, it probably was going along the lines of this little tidbit of information:

Originally, Phil the Stepdad was the principal of her high school and there may or may not have been sexual abuse between him and Bella... thankfully, Meyer's editor told her to cut that shit out. I get the feeling Meyer read/heard of Lolita and thought it was a romance.

They talk about Phil some more, Bella smiling every time he's mentioned which is really making me uncomfortable considering the aforementioned information.

Edward is desperately trying to figure out who Phil is by mentally going over not only the professional ballplayer's rosters but the minor leagues as well. Because, as we know, Edward is a huge baseball fan. I mean, all the times he went on and on about his love of baseball in Twilight. That little story about he's the one who was enough of a nerd to get the family baseball jerseys? So endearing.

Too bad it never happened.

Characterization? In Twilight?

He makes the assumption, which he admits is an assumption, that Bella was sent off so her mother could go travel. Bella objects, saying she sent herself. Edward, master human impersonator, doesn't understand why she's upset by his assumption that she's treated as a piece of property to be sent off at the first sign of inconvenience. That's how women are still treated, right?

“No, she did not send me here,” she said, and her voice had a new, hard edge to it. My assumption had upset her, though I couldn’t quite see how. “I sent myself.” I could not guess at her meaning, or the source behind her pique. I was entirely lost.

Oh, fuck no...

There was just no making sense of the girl. She wasn’t like other humans. Maybe the silence of her thoughts and the perfume of her scent were not the only unusual things about her.

It's going to get worse from here. I've been dreading this part.

There's still so many pages in this chapter i'm gonna die

Edward admits he doesn't get it because he's a dumbass so Bella stares deep into his eyes and decides his consciousness isn't worth the dignity of being torn asunder and tells it to him like he's a damn child.

“She stayed with me at first, but she missed him,” Bella explained slowly, her tone growing more forlorn with each word. “It made her unhappy… so I decided it was time to spend some quality time with Charlie.”

“And he has like, pictures of me as a child on the fireplace mantel. Like, how fucking sad is that?”

Edward tells us he keeps saying his theories out loud... like we haven't noticed. Because Meyer has to pad this bitch out somehow and we already know this scene because she's written the same book three times.

Okay, everybody! Who's ready to get pissed off?!

“But now you’re unhappy,” I murmured. I kept speaking my hypotheses aloud, hoping to learn from her refutations. This one, however, did not seem as far off the mark. “And?” she said, as if this was not even an aspect to be considered. I continued to stare into her eyes, feeling that I’d finally gotten my first real glimpse into her soul. I saw in that one word where she ranked herself among her own priorities. Unlike most humans, her own needs were far down the list. She was selfless.

Bella is to selfless as wet is to fire.

I could go on and on with examples but I'm assuming you guys have read Twilight or at least snarks of it. You know everything I could say and more.

Let's just... let's just move on...

Edward says that doesn't sound fair and Bella informs him life isn't fair... Though we know Bella just doesn't like Forks and would throw tantrum after tantrum, ruining the few visits she had with her father growing up until he had to take time off work and spend money he probably didn't have to rent them a place in California for their visits. But sure, she's selfless.

To be honest, I'm not even sure why she said she'd come to Forks. She doesn't like her father so it definitely wasn't to spend time with him. Her mother's a teacher so maybe she didn't want Bella missing school by coming with them even though home school is a thing.

Let's face it, Meyer just needed an excuse to get Bella to Forks.

I was not ready to let this conversation end. The little v between her eyes, a remnant of her sorrow, bothered me. “You put on a good show.” I spoke slowly, still considering this next hypothesis. “But I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you let anyone see.” She made a face, her eyes narrowing and her mouth twisting into a lopsided frown, and she looked back toward the front of the class. She didn’t like it when I guessed right. She wasn’t the average martyr—she didn’t want an audience for her pain.

What fucking pain? Being slightly damp? Did Charlie forget to get her a pony to go along with the free truck?

Also: what the fuck is a lopsided frown?

Also Also: Fuck off

Edward gloats that he's right and Bella asks why he cares. He completely loses the ability of internal monologue and whispers dramatically: “That's a very good question...”

He wonders, once again, why Bella's thoughts matter so much to him when every other human's thoughts are so completely and utterly insignificant because Humans suck the biggest balls ever.

Also:

I was not used to being the less intuitive of any pairing. I relied on my extra hearing too much—I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for.

He thinks he's intuitive... because he can hear thoughts. That's the equivalent of someone just outright telling him what they're thinking. That's not what intuitive means, Meyer!

WORDS FUCKING MEAN THINGS

Is it wrong of me to hope she has Spooky Mormon Hell Dreams?

One musical break later:

Edward is inexplicably amused by the whole situation because Bella's frustrated that he didn't answer her one question that... people usually don't answer... at least not with a real answer. He's finds it funny that she's annoyed when he could easily kill her if he loses focus for even a second and she doesn't even realize it.

He's probably thinking of that Whoopi Goldberg gif and cackling to himself.

Hilarious.

To be even more of a dick, Edward asks if he's annoying her. She confesses that she's annoyed at herself for being so easy to read which amazes him. You get it? Because he can't literally read her thoughts! Because that is literally the only way someone can understand another person. Body language, inflection, and a general understanding of actual human behavior is all fake news.

Edward takes a breather to remind us he isn't alive so using the word 'life' is misleading only he does it in a way that sounds like a whiny emo teen who thinks dressing all in black makes them deep.

Also, this conversation makes no sense.

“Not exactly,” she told me. “I’m more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read—my mother always calls me her open book.”

“On the contrary,” I disagreed, feeling strangely… wary, as if there were some hidden danger here that I was failing to see. Beyond the very obvious danger, something more… I was suddenly on edge, the premonition making me anxious. “I find you very difficult to read.”

“You must be a good reader, then,” she guessed, making her own assumption, which was, again, right on target. “Usually,” I agreed.

I'm sorry, what?

“I'm so easy to read!” “I can't read you.” “You must be a good reader then!”

“I'm an okay painter.” “I can't paint at all.” “Your paints must be amazing then!”

“I can sing the alphabet!” “I'm illiterate.” “You must be an amazing writer then!”

“I'm American.” “I'm from London.” “You must be the Queen of England then!”

Okay, I'm going to stop because that is a rabbit hole if I ever saw one.

But don't worry! The stupid isn't over yet!

Her body was closer to me than before, having shifted unconsciously in the course of our conversation. All the little markers and signs that were sufficient to scare off the rest of humanity did not seem to be working on her. Why did she not cringe away from me in terror? Surely she had seen enough of my darker side to realize the danger.

Also, since I had to use a HP gif: Fuck JK Rowling and the transphobic wagon she rode in on.

Edward goes on for almost an entire page about how he shouldn't get obsessed with Bella while obsessing over Bella. He knows he should stay away from her but he wants to know everything about her but also he wants to eat her but no, he can't! But he finds her so fascinating but he can't allow himself to find her fascinating because then he'll surely kill her!

We get it, Edward, you find her fascinating (because of the void) but being close is dangerous for her. You don't have to use a whole page to repeat yourself over and over again.

Much like the first meeting between them, he runs from the room first chance he gets.

I'm hoping that these last few pages will be easier now that Meyer doesn't have to force the narrative to fit with the dumpster fire that was Twilight. I don't think I can take much more of the 'Bella is amazing!' forced-feeding that was going on.

He takes a deep breath and:

Again, I gasped at the clean, wet air outside as though it was a healing attar.

Someone bitchslap the thesaurus out of her hands.

Emmett is waiting for Edward outside their next class. He tells him that Alice ditched the last half of her class, heading toward the science department. Edward hadn't realized how close he was to killing Bella... evidently.

Emmett reassures him that it turned out fine and he succeeded in not killing anyone...

Or maybe you kill her. He shrugged. You wouldn’t be the first one to mess up. No one would judge you too harshly. Sometimes a person just smells too good. I’m impressed you’ve lasted this long.

Enjoy this helping of victim blaming. It's not Emmett's fault he murdered that grandmother! She shouldn't have smelled so good!

Edward claims he's disgusted by Emmett's acceptance of Bella's 'inevitable' death and, because Emmett is also an asshole, vividly starts remembering the time he killed that one lady.

Also:

Emmett remembered the smell of apples hanging heavy in the air—the harvest was over and the rejected fruits were scattered on the ground, the bruises in their skin leaking their fragrance out in thick clouds.

In Emmett's defense:

I know. I didn’t last half a second. I didn’t even think about resisting.

Oh, wait, that's not a defense.

But remember guys! The Cullens are just so good and love humans and don't want to participate in that life of violence and blah blah blah...

The memory causes Edward to run out of Spanish... where the teacher seems to only speak Spanish which... I don't see how that helps someone else to learn Spanish but then again, Forks High School seems to have a 'throw them in the lake and let them figure out how to swim' approach to learning.

Emmett follows after and apologizes for bringing up the memory but also starts to say Edward should just get his murder on because Bella should know better than to smell so good. She's totally asking for it, amirite?

He sends Emmett away and goes to mope in his car. Again. At least he's more productive this time! He gets a head start on stalking Bella, reading the thoughts of everyone in the school to keep tabs on her.

He listens into Mike's thoughts but since Mike is reassuring himself that Bella doesn't seem to like Edward, Edward pouts and turns on some My Chemical Romance or something until school lets out.

Apparently some outside force compels him to get out of his car and lean against it in that particularly douchey way while waiting for Bella to come out of the school. She randomly appears with no lead up, walking to her truck with a frown on her face.

He watches her get in the truck and hold her hands out toward the heating vents and concludes she must not like the cold. You see, the only reason someone who just told you they don't like the cold would use the heater to warm up after being in the cold is because they don't like being cold!

Bella throws the truck in reverse, almost killing a girl by almost ramming into her car. Bella, fully aware of what she almost did, carefully checks her blind spots twice before cautiously leaving.

Edward laughs because Bella thinks she's dangerous after most causing a serious traffic accident. Oh, how adorable.

In case you forgot: Edward is an asshole.

And that's the end of the chapter!

And I was right, the last few pages was much easier to get through. I think, going forward, I'm going to have to cut some of these chapters into sections, especially the Twilight Recap heavy ones. It's just too hard for me to get through those quickly.

Anyway, I'm going to take a much needed break and continue my Friday the 13th marathon.

Save me, Tommy Jarvis, you're my only ho.

((EDIT: All future book reviews/snarks will be posted to my tumblr.))

[kathillards]

rangerstop 2019 memories

every convention i think “it can’t get better than this” and then every convention it DOES!!! anyway this was the year of #brodysbitches click the read more to check out all the good times we had:

so first of all we all got a booth! and by “we all” i mean abbey @kimberlyannharts​ and ben @brodyromero​ to sell their art, it was called super mega art and it was super mega fun! we all hung out there a lot but we also walked around to meet the rangers and lot of them stopped by to hang out with us too which was so sweet :’)

(if you’re interested in our rangerstop 2018 memories, check out tabby @operationoverdrive​‘s post here; i’m gonna steal her format and go in chronological order by season because ohmygod so much happened all the time!!)

carla perez / rita repulsa, mmpr

carla is literally the nicest warmest person in the world i’m ready to lay down my life for her! she exudes fun mom energy and she’s so pretty and she was so happy to talk with us about rita, i think we visited her booth pretty much every day and also said hi every time she passed by our booth

we told her that we loved rita and stan villainesses!! and she loved it! and that we loved her portrayal of rita as more fun and childish and full of energy and she said yeah, the directors asked her to take rita in a new direction when she was cast while still staying true to who rita was so she decided to make rita more childish and fun with the sticking out her tongue and everything and we told her it was perfect bc rita with her tongue out is literally iconic

tabby asked how she felt about rita turning good and she said she liked it bc she got to be on screen without all the rita makeup/wardrobe but she also loved playing evil rita! i asked her if she heard about thrax and she was like OH YEAH I HEARD THEY GAVE US A SON but she definitely had not watched it (respect) and we were trying to figure out how thrax could exist and we collectively decided (mostly tabby and carla) that thrax was adopted and rita and zedd were trying to turn him good, which she loved

tabby showed her the mean girls video and she fucking loved it so much!!! she was SO impressed by how tabby manipped rita and tommy making out and she went around telling everybody “she made me kiss jdf!!” which was sooo cute and when abbey and i went to see her on our own and i was like “i heard you saw the mean girls video” she said “i did!! she’s so cute and talented!” about tabby, we love a tabby thunderpunks stan!!

we went to get a video message from her and melody for kels (cassiechans on twitter) because kels is the og villainess stan and they were so excited and REHEARSED what they were gonna say (we just asked them to do “the voice” and say “live fast die young bad girls do it well”, they came up with everything else!) and here they are, aren’t they the literal cutest things on the planet?!?!

she loved abbey’s zedd/rita design and wanted a shirt but we didn’t have her size so she told abbey to dm her when her online store is open!!!! she also signed my zedd/rita print with “bad girls do it well” bc i asked and i would DIE FOR HER

catherine sutherland / kat hillard, mmpr/zeo/turbo pink

so the first night we get to the hotel, tabby tells me to close my eyes and come over and she hands me A PINK ZEO RANGER FUNKO POP, custom made by jalenv515 on instagram (check his stuff out!) and i lost my mind because its SO good and it’s my girl and i love it and tabby and katherine so much <3 the guy who made it asked her to ask me to get a pic with it so ofc i had to do that and show catherine 

she definitely did not remember us from the last two cons we saw her at but you know what i respect that! queen of being too popular to remember faces (brennan mejia take notes) but i think she did remember me after this time :’)

i said “so tabby actually got me this as a gift because i literally love kat hillard so much she is my entire soul” and she was SO touched and delighted to see the funko pop she was like “oh my god this is so cool!” and i was like, she’s going on the center of my power rangers shrine for reals

we asked her which season she liked better for kat and she said zeo but me and tabby were like “no, turbo rights only” and listed off the amazing kat episodes in turbo and she agreed with us that the episode with the ballerina and the weight gain episode were so good! i think she says zeo automatically bc it’s her only full season and dudebros love it so she was probably surprised that we were like fuck zeo lives turbo is skinny but... turbo IS skinny :)

i asked if she read soul of the dragon and she said she did! and i said it was the only comic i read bc i have to read everything kat is in and she laughed and she said she liked it and i said i loved that kat and tommy were a partnership but i was mad kat didn’t get to morph! and she was like “i know! but it has to be all about tommy as ALWAYS” with an EYE ROLL and me and tabby were ascending THE SHADE...I LOVE HER SO MUCH

we took a pic with her holding the funko pop and then i posted the pic on instagram w/ a cheesy caption of how much i love kat and she commented “aww you are too sweet” with a pink heart emoji... my actual mother who raised me

AND THEN at the end of the last day when we were standing around waiting to say goodbyes, she was heading out and we all started saying GOODBYE QUEEN and she stopped when she saw me and said she loved the pic and the pop on instagram!!!! she remembered me!!!!! and i told her the guy who made them was really happy she liked it and he’s working on more kat pops including unmorphed kat and turbo kat and she was so thrilled!!

nakia burisse / tanya sloan, zeo/turbo yellow

so because the originals are kinda super overpriced we do not get pics w/ most of them ever dfgjkdfd IM SORRY NAKIA I <3 YOU FOREVER but she looked so beautiful in all her outfits this con im gay

but anyway i was walking around the con by myself in my yellow shirt and i passed her booth and said hi and she said she liked my shirt!! and i was like thank you its for the yellow ranger culture

she was selling these rangers as infinity war t-shirts and i asked if she designed them and she said she did!! they were so cool i almost bought one but deadass i had no fucking room left in my luggage lmao

anyway her handler was looking at me and he goes “aren’t there like..... three of you?” and im like yeah they’re not here rn but we are codependent so i cant buy anything without them dfhgkfhd and hes like “yeah i worked other cons and i remember seeing y’all as a unit” which dfhjgkdfhgd HE WAS NOT THE ONLY HANDLER TO REMEMBER US SPECIFICALLY and i said “ur right we cant function without each other” and nakia was like “aww i love that” queen of supporting our codependent dumbasses!!

melody perkins / astronema, karone, lost galaxy pink

she is soooo nice she has this high-pitched voice it’s so sweet i always feel so soothed whenever she speaks near me she is also so pretty!! 

the others talked to her without me on day 1 and melody said she liked astronema’s purple wig best and didn’t like the white wig w/ the black things in it bc they kept getting in her way, and she loved karone’s outfit because it was easier to fight in

i went with abbey to drop off her astronema doodle for melody and she loved it!! shes so cuuuute

she was so excited to do the video message for kels and it was so adorable when she messed up the first time (live fast die well bad girls do it young!) lmaoo and we showed her kels’ reaction later and she was so flattered!! she also looks so cute in her reading glasses and she LOVED the mean girls video too!!!!!!!

we told her that we hosted a villainess appreciation week online and so many people picked astronema as their faves and she was so touched <3 a literal angel sent from heaven

ann marie crouch / princess shayla, wild force

only there saturday and sunday, limited edition queen! we met her on saturday so kat could get her fanart from gazbot signed and she was ofc in her princess shayla dress and looked soooo pretty

she was so impressed by gazbot’s art that she asked we take him over to her booth and we were all like OKAY PRINCESS COMING THROUGH MAKE WAY FOR THE PRINCESS and took her over to meet him and he was so happy and she was also happy and it was just so nice.... god i love ranger cons! everyone loves power rangers! its the dream!

and then after that we took her to our booth bc it was just two away from gazbot’s and she loved it everyone always loves ben and abbey’s art bc its the greatest in the world :’)

glenn mcmillan / dustin brooks, ninja storm yellow

first of all, ben abbey and i saw him passing by while we were having dinner at gatorville and we all GASPED and he noticed and grinned and waved at us while he was walking by.... an angel literally an angel

he’s so cute and sweet! he wore his yellow shirt w/ dustin’s logo on it all three days, king of branding

i got abbey’s dustin sticker signed by him and she gave him one of his own and he loved itttt

tabby asked him about his role in zenon z3 and you could tell his brain was processing loading while he tried to rmr what the fuck that movie was but he got into it and actually answered her questions about it, it was so sweet

i overheard him telling another fan he was trying to get “sally and the others” to morphicon for a reunion!!!!!!!!!!!!!! come to pmc next september pasadena california to see if he succeeds

john tui / doggie cruger, spd shadow, daggeron, solaris knight

LITERALLY THE STAR ATTRACTION every time we passed by his booth his line was a mile long, meanwhile all the originals’ booths right across from him were like [crickets chirping] it was so funny lmao

so we only got to see him on the last day bc his line was so long and nobody wanted to stand in it but tabby wanted to meet him! and then she got scared and almost walked away but a really nice girl (i think part of chris khayman lee’s team??) stopped her and was like THIS IS UR MOMENT and it was!!!

he is literally so sweet and handsome and cuddly he’s just a big teddy bear and he’s soooo charming and nice, he was wearing a manbun and like a full suit w/ a dress shirt, absolutely flexing on all the other boys in their t-shirts and jeans

tabby asked if he would do a pose holding her hand like he’s about to kiss it and he laughed and was like “okay but don’t show my wife!!” loyal king

he also hugged her twice hes so cuddly!! and we asked him about his other roles (he was in solo!) and he said he really enjoys expanding his filmography and stuff but power rangers is close to his heart and he also really likes doing parts that his kids can watch... it was the cutest thing

and we said how cool it was to see him represent his culture and he said he loved that too ugh rangers of color only valid rangers tbhonest honestly

richard brancatisano / xander bly, mystic force green

ok so firass is really hot and at one point he stopped by our table (bc richard called him over to look at abbey’s nick and fireheart print) and he was really nice but he’s. he’s so hot. we did not go to his table all weekend bc we were so intimidated hfdghfgd so thats why he doesnt get a section. but i do still love him i just cant speak w/ him or my brain will turn to jello probably

nic also won’t get a section bc i didnt really interact w/ him much but he stopped by the table twice to talk w/ abbey he loved her and her art!! chip squared!! he ranted about how hard it was to say fireheart in an american accent for all of them it sounded cute go talk to abbey for more details

anyway back to richard: somehow we just attract green rangers like bees to honey and idk why but i’m not complaining he’s so nice and handsome and funny! and he just LOVED talking with us like we stopped by his table every day and i dont think we even talked about mystic force or anything in particular, we were just chatting and he just loved it and like never wanted us to leave basically

i did ask him a question about xander’s personality and he legit went “uhh idk” and then started talking about himself???? KING OF NOT KNOWING SHIT ABOUT HIS OWN CHARACTER love that for him bc i also dont know shit about xander

he stopped by the table a couple times (well mostly we yelled HEY RICHARD and he came over) and he was so sweet and also when we told him we didn’t have xander art at our booth he jokingly rolled his eyes and said “of course” but then ben and abbey both doodled xander and came over to show him and he was SO TOUCHED 

he hugged us all goodbye individually and then at the end we were waiting to say goodbye to aljin, richard was leaving his booth and abbey waved at him and his eyes LIT UP and he switched course to walk over to us and say goodbye again!!!! he loves us and i love him so much!!!

dwayne cameron / tyzonn, operation overdrive mercury

OPERATION OVERDRIVE IS WIG!

hes so fun to talk to, we went to him on day 1 to get my tyzonn print (from gazbot) signed and we were just talking to him about all his roles and tabby asked “was that ur real hair” and he was like lmao no can’t you tell?? and was talking about how they originally were gonna dye his hair platinum blonde but he thought it looked awful so they went w/ the ugly wig and he said they wanted to differentiate him from his previous two power rangers characters so tyzonn had to be blond

and then he kept saying wig and we kept giggling about it and we had to explain to him that wig is teen slang for something really cool and awesome and he said to try it out and gestured with his arms and it was SO funny... king of memes

my first suggestion for a video message was to have him say “operation overdrive is the best season ever and if you dont like it go suck a dick” but he vetoed that (but he was laughing) lmao

and HE’S the one who suggested he say “operation overdrive is wig” and it was perfect go check out the video on my blog 

he hugged me so tight and kissed my cheek after our pic together and i love him so much

aljin abella / theo martin, jungle fury blue

SHORT KING!!! literally the kindest nicest sweetest person ever i just wanna be in his presence all the time he’s such a ray of light he’s so smart and remembers fucking everything about his season KING OF JUNGLE FURY

his fiancee was there with him!! her name is lyndie she’s sooooo nice and she LOVED abbey’s shirts and bought an alpha one and wore it two days in a row! i fucking loved her she was so much fun to talk to and she told us about their proposal story it was so romantic and sweet

he told us so many things about jungle fury behind the scenes and how it was filming stuff and everything i honestly cant even rmr but i loved how much he knew, he told us that the actress who played fran was dating the actor who played master swoop at the time of filming and we were all like omfg (how random?? but cute)

he said he thinks theo and lily are probably still together but even if they’re not they’re still bffs bc they have such a rich history between them :’) brennan mejia take fucking notes

he said he thought they were gonna leave the theo/lily plot hanging after dance the night away and he was surprised it coming back!! but he really enjoyed it and he loves anna and i told him to get a jungle fury reunion together at pmc

he told us that this is just the first time he’s ever been properly invited to a con (i think he was sponsored by one of the toy booths or smth); people would ask him casually “hey would you wanna come to a con” and he was down but nobody ever actually officially invited him till now so @ PEOPLE WHO SPONSOR ACTORS TAKE NOTES INVITE MORE DISNEY ERA PEOPLE thank you

at the end we went to say goodbye to him and lyndie, he had been saying goodbye to some other ppl so we waited in line politely and as soon as he turned around and saw us he smiled so big and was like YOU GUYS! GROUP HUG! and he only group hugged the five of us because he loved us so much and he was so cute!! i wanna hug him forever, literally a blue angel sent from heaven

rj cyler / billy cranston, reboot blue

TALL KING!! his section goes after aljin specifically so i could say that

he is soo tall and SO handsome and FUNNY and CUTE and charming and he hugged EVERYONE AS SOON AS HE SAW US he’s so bouncy and excited and just. good vibes. so many good vibes!!!

the energy around his booth is just so much fun he’s ALWAYS laughing and joking and talking with literally anybody he sees, sometimes he did get distracted like when bl*ke f*ster (vomit.emoji) or walter jones would come up to his table and he was also late a lot but i would wait forever and ever.mp3

as soon as tabby walked w/ her blue ranger plushie he goes OH MY DAMN and immediately asks to hold it and just spends five minutes bouncing around cuddling it TEDDY BEAR PRINCE CHARMING <333

he said he already owns 3 and was like “i dont wanna own EVERYTHING w/ my character because that seems weird?” and kat was like “no that’s king behavior” and he was like u kno wat... ur right

tabby talked to him about scream and abbey talked to him about swamp thing when we went back to him on sunday bc my friends are fuckin nerds go ask them about their convos w/ him!! abbey asked him why he was always dying in water and he was like I KNOW and he said he didnt like death scenes bc they made him be still and he’s so bouncy and hates being still and quiet dfgjkkdfdgk

we got two super cute polaroids with him and our whole group i will post them later maybe on twitter? THEYRE SO CUTE I LOVE HIMMMM

james davies / chase randall, dino charge black

ohhh my god he’s so sweet.... he also looks So good w/ a beard.... he’s literally just so nice! he always smiles so big and looks right in your eyes when he talks to you and he’s just...so sweet. when we went back and watched true black in the hotel room we were so weirded out by chase being such an asshole bc its sooo different from james’ entire personality lmao

showed him ben’s chase print and he loved it <33 he signed mine “chase the hotshot” bc i asked him to and i love it

idk what we talked about tbh he’s so pretty.... he started interviewing kat when she asked him to sign her print which was super funny bc we were all like For Why djkfghdg he just wants to get to know everyone...its cute

he asked us “whats the difference between a pillow and a cushion” and we all had a mini existential crisis trying to figure it out

idk what else to say hes just really cool and i hope he comes back bc i would love to see the whole dino charge cast vibing together

brennan mejia / tyler navarro, dino charge red

what a man what a man what a mighty good man.mp3

first time he passed by our booth on day one we all gasped BRENNAN and he waved hi :D he’s very easily distracted he was only at his booth like half the time lmao

i also called him over later to show him ben’s print and he was like omg this is so cool and i was like do u remember him (ben) from last year and he was like of course! idk if he was lying but hes cuuuute

we yelled at him for saying tyler/shelby would break up last year and he laughed but he REFUSED to take back his WRONG opinion even after kat made him sign “tyler + shelby forever” on her print, king of being stubborn

kat asked him if he wanted to make out w/ her tiny pink dino charge figure and he was like i really DONT wanna do that, he was laughing but it was cute bc he didnt even try to humor us at all (the way other actors do when we say “oh we loved this part!” and they go oh yeah totally same lmaoo) just kept joking around with us like we were FRIENDS

WE ASKED HIM TO SING FOR US first i asked for the triceratops song and he was like ummmmmmm so then we suggested the n-zed boys song and he was like ok but i dont rmr the lyrics so ben had to teach them to him and then he asked if ben would sing it with him and i told him to ask nicely and he made PUPPY DOG EYES at ben and well #bennanfirstwin

(we tried to get james to sing after that, and brennan begged him to sing too BECAUSE HE’S A PROFESSIONAL SINGER and actually got cast in hairspray??? omg? but he started blushing and refused every single time we asked dfhgjdd hes so cute!!! he also apparently choreographed the tyler/shelby dance in that episode, multitalented king of the arts)

we talked to him about pokemon and he said he’s getting shield but he hasnt picked a starter yet bc he hasnt seen the evolutions and we (me and ben) were like, well do u wanna see the leaks? and he was like JSUT the evolutions so the next day i saved some pics and went back to him and he looked thru them and he said he liked them all but he really liked the grookey final evo so for all you pokefans out there, that’s where he stands (he also let us add him on pogo altho he does not open gifts ever so far so what is the POINT of you brennan)

he also played smash on the switch w/ our friend jobber and apparently CRUSHED HIM, nerdy ass bitch. love him so much

we mentioned we loved tyler’s og curly hair in s1 and he says it was so hard to maintain bc curly hair does whatever it wants so he likes his new straight hairstyle better bc he can make it do what he wants and like, same, but also :(

he also vibe checked tabby’s phone and it was fucking awesome

literally every time we were talking to james or will or anyone else and he was around and we locked eyes w/ him he would grin or make a funny face god he’s soooo cute. he also commented on my insta post of him doing a handstand and i lost it hes SO CUTE!! the only man in the world except for.......

william shewfelt / brody romero, ninja steel red

BRODY ROMERO FIRST, GOD SECOND

literally the first thing i blurted out was i love you thank you for brody romero i love seeing a desi character on power ranger SO much and he was just completely shocked that we all KNEW he was desi and he was like, yeah my mom’s indian but my dad’s caucasian and i was like so what bitch you STILL COUNT 

he was, like, so touched that we knew and cared about him being desi and was like “wow you guys really know a lot” and kat the traitor was like “yeah they stalked you to figure out who tf you are” dfgjkdfhgd and we mentioned jasmeet and ppl thinking he was the first indian ranger and will was like “yeah i heard about that and i didnt wanna make it a big thing but...” LIKE HONEY PLEASE WE GOT SHOOTERS OUT HERE FOR BRODY ROMERO 

its so overwhelming to even think about bc brody romero is literally LITERALLY my favorite ranger of all time and we spent SO MUCH time talking to will and all of it was fucking amazing i’ll try to point out the highlights but god there was just so much i love him SO much

he talked a lot about the time he spent in new zealand (bc zali and nari were there from australia and talking to him about it) and he told us a lot of stories about the cast getting drunk and having fun, he told us about the time he and the boys went w/ jordi to his home and learned about maori culture and he had to eat bugs and about the time nico got blackout drunk at star casino and made out w/ a completely random girl and they all gave him hell for it later lmao

he was having so much fun talking to us that at one point a random dudebro came up and brennan was around the booth and we were like “oh did you wanna buy something” and dudebro was like “no i just wanted to show them my comic” which literally was just an mmpr comic and he wasn’t even paying for anything what the fuck?? and will took one look at him and his comic and went “uh one second man” and turned back to us and completely ignored him until he went away and we all DIED laughing i love him SO much (sorry to brennan for leaving him w/ the dudebro lol)

at some point he was talking about other actors that he’s met and i asked if he’s seen other seasons and he made the :grimace: emoji and was like no and i was like good keep it that way ninja steel is the only season :) and he started laughing and was like COME OVER HERE AND HUG ME i could stay wrapped in his arms forever tbh

he called himself daddy once and everyone yelled at him

he said everyone in the ninja steel cast would just kiss each other on the mouth, but platonically, and kelson kissed all of them at least once and he kissed nico twice and it was just like, a thing they did and we were all like okay.gif but it was so cute

he said he felt bad for chip bc the cast was always asking him to adjust things and bringing up their own ideas for writing (things we know from peter complaining about chip’s writing and trying to get his own ideas in...) and said he preferred to not annoy him w/ all of that BUT he did say he got annoyed himself when chip would direct episodes and be VERY particular about exactly how he wanted them to act and we were like fuck him is he an actor??? and he laughed... he literally thought we were so funny even tho we are not at all lmao

at one point he was talking about how jordi was shirtless a lot and had big boobs (his words) and i said, on instinct, “tits out for ninja steel” and he goes what?? and asked me to repeat it and i had a brief moment of panic but i did repeat “tits out for ninja steel” thru my giggles and he burst into laughter again dfhjkgdfd TO BE CLEAR i should not have said that pls dont say that to actors’ faces he so easily could’ve made it uncomfortable or creepy (some actors...not mentioned in this post...are fucking creepy) but he didnt bc hes an angel so i guess its fine

every time we were hovering around brennan’s table on day 3 tabby says will kept looking over in our direction i think he missed us bc we were actually fun to talk to and not fucking dudebros trying to tell him the plots of seasons he does not give a shit about bc he wasnt in them (literally u do not need to explain the plot of dino thunder to actors who were not in dino thunder, pls calm down) and also bc he loves us :)

we all went in to save him from a dudebro at one point by just asking him random questions and the dudebro KEPT HOVERING like trying to be in the conversation as if we were FRIENDS with him (dont do this unless ur paying the actor for his time!!! he wasn’t even buying anything he was like “i’m just here to talk” bitch get his autograph or GO) and the dudebro tried to flex on us by being like “oh were you guys at th power morphicon with the yoshi and peter hug” and tabby got confused (bc we were at the next pmc and said yes) and kat just lied and said yes bc she hates dudebros and ben (the only truthful person) said no and abbey said yes and then will turned his head all the way around to me on the side and was like “were you there?” and i mean... i wasnt....but he wouldnt stop looking at me WHAT WAS I GONNA DO, DISAPPOINT HIM? so i said yes :) 

after the dudebro FINALLY fucking left kat was like “oh thank god we can leave now” and will was so confused until he realized “were you guys just trying to save me from talking to him” and he laughed and was so touched he was like “thank you guys you can see how my face just goes dead when they talk to me” dfhgjkdfg and we were like literally send up the bat signal any time you need us to save you and he said we were the best people to talk to the whole con and he loved ussss

at one point we were talking about indian rep in power rangers and he looks at ME and goes “so what do you think of jazz as desi rep” and idk will what am i supposed to think when you’re staring into my soul??? i said he was cool and i liked ravi but he wasn’t red and i’m red ranger ride or die so :) i just love brody romero so fucking much idk what else i was supposed to say.... ur literally ingrained in my soul william NOBODY ELSE CAN COME CLOSE

i asked “how much money do i have to pay to get you to arm wrestle brennan for me” and he was like “i dont know if there’s enough money in the world but you can ask brennan” and i called brennan over like “brennan will you please arm wrestle will for me” and he DID and it was so fun they were having such a good time, in the second round we all started chanting NINJA STEEL NINJA STEEL and you can see brennan getting shook by that for a second and then later will told us he appreciated our chanting so much and we were like yeah man, ninja steel FOREVER anyway here are the videos: one and two :) (they did not make me pay for it, generous kings)

(and the next day when we went to brennan’s booth like the first thing he does is whip out his phone, show us a video his handler took of the arm wrestling match and go WILLIAM CHEATED. me: and what about it?.gif)

we got a polaroid of all of us + brennan + will (brennan had to phone will to get him to come back to the booth at our request, ty king, and will came right over and brennan was like “sry if we interrupted something” and will was like nah not at all, idk what brennan said but i like to imagine he came running bc he heard it was us lol) and then he refused to let me pay when i came back to get him to autograph it GENEROUS KING OF MY HEART.MP3

brennan signed the polaroid first and his signature took up the whole bottom part of the polaroid and we yelled at him for not leaving any room for will and he was like “oh whoops....well he can sign THE BACK” i love it when he sasses us; so then we went to show will and he was like wow brennan and then signed his autograph EVEN BIGGER in sparkly silver pen all over the top so basically they had a dick-measuring contest over my polaroid and it was awesome, will’s is bigger tho B)

he also followed me and ben on instagram after day 2 and then EARLIER TODAY (11/13) he was stalking and followed ben’s personal acct and also reposted his ninja steel art onto his story and tagged him so in conclusion, brody romero first god second

WAIT IM NOT DONE when we went to say goodbye we were like “oh are you packing up soon” and he was so sparkly eyed over us chilling at his table he was like “nah im not” and then he looked at his phone and it was half hour till the con closed and he was like “oh wait never mind i guess i am” lmaoo king of not keeping track of time AND THEN HE HUGGED US ALL GOODBYE IN A BIG GROUP HUG and his biceps almost crushed abbey

(btw brennan did not hug us goodbye this time i think he was jealous we spent all our time gushing over will) (im kidding we still love you brennan)

william shewfelt i would die for you

phew ok i think that’s pretty much everything??? we also made a lot of cool friends w/ artists and stuff!! we talked to gazbot a lot and that was super fun, the girls next to our booth made custom power rangers pillows and they were really cool! i think kat, tabby, and ben all bought pillows from them they were really soft and cute, we talked to ceevee a lot (he actually gave me his extra exhibitor badge bc his brother couuldnt make it and then a different artist saw my badge saying “ceevee illustrations” and gave me a sticker for free because “you work for chris and he’s awesome” dfhgjdfhd i went back and paid him tho bc you dont take free shit from artists, kids! pay them for their work!) spent a lot of time yelling (nicely) at ceevee to make a poppy pin and he said he would bump it up the list for me :)

other cool stuff:

catherine posting me on insta

jessica replying to this post of super mega art + azim liking it

mike ginn replying to this tweet thread even tho he hasn’t been online in 12 days

check out our twitters for even more details that i undoubtedly missed in this post: me / tabby / kat / ben / abbey

in conclusion: POWER MORPHICON 2020 LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

Headcanon that for Memorial Day in 1995, Donna Emerson persists in her habit of trying to overcompensate for the previous year’s bummer holidays

[CN: Major spoilers for s4 of Halt and Catch Fire, major character death, also food and eating]

By May of 1995, It’s been just over a year since Gordon’s death, so much has happened and changed that it seems like it’s been much longer, and it also feels in some ways to pretty much everyone that no time has passed at all. Donna is determined to make sure everyone has fun though, so that year, she hosts a massive Memorial Day pool party and barbecue, and invites the entire former Mutiny staff, as well as her current Symphonic coworkers, and everyone she knows who was at Comet. 

Tanya Reese, her sister, and her nephew are the first to arrive, and out of habit, Tanya starts to help, and Donna has to literally shove her out the door with a “You’re not on the clock, go sit by the pool and try to RELAX!”

Everyone else begins to arrive just as Donna, who is already in her Californian ~gay divorcee~ summer uniform (big floppy sunhat, expensive sunglasses, black bathing suit, and floral pattern sarong) is bringing extra plates and cups to the table out by the pool. Before she knows what’s happening, everyone is there and munching on the hero sandwiches, chips, pretzels, and sodas she’d set out: Trip and the other partners are making awkward smalltalk with Diane, who is happily riding them about working for Donna; Bodie is encouraging his kids to cannonball into the pool; Yo-yo and his wife are chatting and laughing with Lev and his fiancee, Arki is talking with some coders from Swapmeet whose names Donna is mortified to realize she can’t remember. Haley and Vanessa are talking to Risa and her partner, and to some other people from Comet, and Bos is standing off to the side, smiling at everything, seltzer in hand. 

Cameron, of course, arrives over an hour late, as always, because she didn’t want to actually have to go to this or any party, ever. When she appears by the pool, after walking around to the back of Donna’s house, Donna is so glad to see her that she can’t resist calling out, “Look who it is, everyone, it’s our favorite prodigal coder!” Cameron is then overwhelmed with a kind of hero’s welcome. Arki, as always, hugs her for too long, Bodie nearly knocks her into the pool, Yo-yo tells her she looks great, and Lev bitchily jokes, “Does she, though? What is she even wearing? …at least she’s not wearing the overalls again, I guess.” (Cameron is actually wearing her lightest button down shirt and a pair of ripped jeans that Lev is pretty sure she’s had since her Mutiny days, and he wishes he could accessorize her, and no, he does not feel bad about it.) 

When Cameron finally makes it through the welcoming throng she grabs a sandwich from the table and immediately starts to stuff her face with it. “Help yourself!” Donna teases her. She watches Cameron anxiously eat for a minute and then says, “You don’t wanna go for a swim first?” and then cracks up when Cameron looks at her as if she just suggested that she enjoy a quick root canal. Donna smiles at her sympathetically, and Cameron responds by grabbing a second sandwich and going to find Bos

Bos and Vanessa are working the grill, and Cameron stands there awkwardly with them as they grill burgers, hot dogs, and small cuts of salmon, and watches as everyone else at the party talks and laughs and enjoys the pool. It’s a sunny, unseasonably hot day, and everyone is happy to get into the water

Donna is happy to see everyone having a good time, but it’s a long day, longer than she thought it would feel. It’s an uneventful day, a typical day of hostessing, that requires her to make regular trips back into the house to get things for her guests, and she doesn’t mind it, but she does find that when she goes back inside by herself that a weird sense of dread creeps up on her. Everything seems fine, everything is fine, as far as she knows, and the it looks like everyone else is at ease, but when she looks out at the party from inside the house, it feels like something is wrong, and she suddenly feels very far away from everything. She spends as little time inside as she can, and then finds that even though she’s glad that everyone came over, she’s relieved when everyone starts go home around ten pm.

Tanya is of course the last to leave, which she only does after Donna assures her that she doesn’t need any help with clean up

Cameron always helps after a party at Donna’s though (it’s secretly her favorite part of going to Donna’s parties), and after Donna has seen everyone out, Cameron finds her in the kitchen, busy putting away leftover potato salad and fruit. Without asking, she starts helping, and when Donna looks over at her, a few minutes later, she says, “Cameron! What the hell happened to your face?” Cameron’s cheeks and forehead (and also the small portion of her chest near her shirt’s collar that’s visible) are bright red. “It’s just a slight burn, it will look like a tan tomorrow,” Cameron insists. Donna gets the aloe vera out of the fridge and hands it to Cameron, who quietly applies it to her face and chest. She gets another lecture on the dangers of sun damage, and the importance of sun protection

After the kitchen and pool area are tidied, Donna realizes that she didn’t get into the pool all day, and she asks Cameron, “Hey, do you wanna sit outside with me for a minute?” 

They sit together at the shallow end of the pool. Cameron sits with her legs crossed, and Donna takes off her sarong and slips off her flip flops and dips her feet into the water. It’s silent for a few minutes, when Donna says, “Remember the subscriber barbecue?” Cameron smiles, which hurts slightly, and winces. “You mean at Mutiny?” Donna sighs contentedly at the memory. Cameron says, “Oh, yeah, it was totally great until Carl realized that the WestCorp had utterly screwed us.” Donna frowns, “That did become a very, very long night. It was good day, though.” 

It gets quiet again, and Cameron looks over at Donna, who is looking up at the sky. Cameron can tell that she’s tired, but Donna also looks comfortable, hands planted just behind her, reclining just slightly, torso elongated, legs loose. Cameron unself-consciously thinks about how her own legs always look too long, but Donna’s always look just right. 

Donna is comfortable, and unprompted, she says, “It’s still weird without him.” “It’s weird without both of them,” Cameron sighs, “but it’s also okay. I mean, not ‘okay,’ but like….” “I know what you meant,” Donna nods. “Not that Gordon would be here, he’d probably be camping, this weekend. I did a lot of camping with him when we were married, and I didn’t really enjoy it, but now I’m weirdly glad that I went.” Cameron sits there and thinks to herself that she’s sorry but also ultimately grateful that J*e isn’t there.

As if she can tell what Cameron is thinking, Donna says, “I’m so, so happy that you stayed. You know what’s strange though? I thought that getting to work with you again would help me miss Mutiny less. But I don’t think it’s worked out that way.” “Is that why you invited everyone from Mutiny today?” Cameron asks. Donna doesn’t respond, she just grins at how nice it feels when Cameron gets her.

Then she says, “I would really like to work with you at a place like Mutiny again some day. Or, well, there will probably never be another place like Mutiny. I hope we get to have an office full of nerds, again. And that we all get to make a place on the internet where people love to go.” Quietly, Cameron says, “Phoenix?” Donna looks over at her and smiles for real, for what feels like the first time that day. Cameron asks, “Should we talk about it? Phoenix? As in, like, right now?” Donna frowns slightly, and asks, “Would you mind?” Cameron grins in response, and winces again. Gently, Donna says, “Let’s go get you some more aloe vera first, though.”

[latinxcastingmanifesto]

Your questions answered

Recently you tweeted us questions. Gabi and Quiara spent a day eating lunch, sunbathing, and responding to what you asked:

@gmorningstunner: If you are an Afro-Latinx woman, and you look more African than Latina, how likely is it that you will be cast as a Latinx role?

A casting director cannot legally ask about your identity when casting. But if you want your identity to be known, you are free to and encouraged to share it! So, please do go audition for those Latinx roles, and consider sharing your identity on your photo/resume for that particular role.

Self-designation and self-id is an under appreciated casting tool! And trust me, the director, writer, and casting director want as much information about you as possible! But they’re not allowed to ask, plus if they have a more limited sense of the Latinx diaspora then they really may not know.

QUIARA: For writers, we need to consider ourselves producers, too, and push very hard for Afro-Latinx casting as normal and not exceptional. I have had to educate producers and casting directors that the cousins in my Elliot Trilogy plays, well, one cousin can be a black Latina and the other cousin a white Latino, and that this reflects the reality of many Latinx families. Many producers and casting directors didn’t know this and it was absolutely my job to advocate for the truth and integrity of my work. I have given up expecting other people to know my truth and reality, and I say it aloud and clearly and with love and as early in the process as possible. Say these things at the very first meetings, or it may be too late.

Another call to action for playwrights: designate on the script that your casting must include Afro-Latinx. Or say that loud and clear on the first casting conversation.

@SalvadorVasqu10: Why are stories of the latinx community still to this day some of the most un-produced works? How can we make Latinx stories more accessible to all? When are you and @TanyaSaracho gonna team up for a musical?

Who picks up a play and reads it? Not necessarily our family members.

Call to action: professors, help us spread the word about Latinx work by assigning Latinx reading.

Call to action: artists, we need to produce our own work and each other’s work in order to get it to the community. Downtown institutions are our allies, but if we rely exclusively on preexisting production pipelines, the community will remain on the fringes. Our assignment is to figure out how to center the community as artistic creators and producers.

Call to action: we are the living library. Keep creating and producing. We need a few more generations of this work. We need to reach a critical mass.

Call to action: swap reading lists with your Latinx theater allies. Spread the word about the work you know.

(As to Tanya Saracho, I can’t wait to world-build with that FEROCIOUS artist. Till then, I’m blessed to call myself a fan and ally.)

@dbirdsoprano: How can we do more to address the imbalance of privilege in representation onstage?

Call to action: playwrights, literally address it. Write poor characters, working class characters. Write non-college-educated characters. Show various family structures. Break silence.

Call to action: producers, invest in the leadership of POC. Not internships, top positions. Scrutinize and criticize seasons centering wealthy and well-educated characters.

Call to action: universities, teach about professional sustainability (grant-writing, for example) in addition to art curriculum so poor and working class students can stay in it for the the long hall and we don’t lose them for financial reasons.

@AlexChurchyG: As a Young Latina director, who can I look to for role models in an industry of old white men?

WOCA  (Women of Color in the Arts) is a mentorship program for women of color in the theater.

Latina women have been directing plays and kicking ass. Latinx Theatre Commons is a phenomenal community of Latinx theater professionals including working Latina directors.

If you network with someone, follow up. It is not their job to chase you. Chase them! Invite them to coffee! They may say no. But they may say yes.

As Latinas, we’ve been trained to not ask for help. To be caretakers and never be on the receiving end. Stop it! Our spirits can ask for help.

@LaMeraFeli: I’m not in theater myself but have a daughter… can we talk about body type? Roles for the llenitas and the gorditas?

Make sure your daughter knows how to write. Make sure she’s jazzed about producing. If she’s sitting around waiting to get cast in gordita roles created by others, it’s not gonna happen or it will be brutal.

She should write her own stories and act in them. Or she should find a writer friend who gets who she is and ask them to create monologues for her.

Teach her to find her village. She’s not gonna do it alone.

Gabi literally started an entire theater company for this reason. Power Street Theatre Company. They are amazing and breaking new ground in Philly. Come to Philly and join their journey. Or create something like that in your own backyard.

@itsnikkig_: When are we going to start casting some fat Latinx actresses?!

Now. Writers, put ALL BODY TYPES in your actual character descriptions. Producers, put ALL BODY TYPES in your casting calls. You have to write it in as a clear directive or it will be more skinny bodies, always and forever.

@starmacosta: Is hiring an agent necessary? My mom does most of the work when it comes to booking or auditions…

GABI: I’ve always had that question myself. In Philly most of the actors I know don’t have agents. This may be contingent on where you live.

QUIARA: Find local working actors whose career you admire and ask them. For playwrights, no an agent is not necessary until you have a production contract in hand, or an offer from a producer. Then you get an agent. Before then, you have to get your own work produced. Use google to figure out which theaters have produced work that most resonates with your own. Submit your work to them. Or find your fellow travelers, find your village, and produce together.

@saybarra: How do we make space for aaaaalllll the variations of what it means to be Latinx in this country? In casting, in writing, in subject matter, in form, etc etc etc etc

The Latinx Theater Commons is very diverse in terms of pan-Latinx community. Find organizations doing the work, and they may not necessarily be theater groups. They may be drum circles, community college teachers, prayer circles. If you really can’t find a space you need, then it’s time to create the space. Bring the space into your living room or local park. We must always be creating space.

We are a diaspora, so how do we both engage all the specific variations of who we are while also embracing fluidity and openness? Those with more cultural leverage can use that to create spaces for underrepresnted Latinx stories: for instance, Latinx queer stories, Latinx trans stories, Afro-Latinx stories, biracial stories.

@zjriv: How do you manage your ideas? Every time I get writers block it’s because another comes along and I can’t stop thinking about it. Then another idea. Then another idea.

QUIARA: Sometimes you get 30 pages into an idea and can’t take it any further. That’s ok. Let it go. Let the new ideas continue to blossom in your imagination at their own speed. If they are still growing six months later, there may be a play there. Write what is speaking to you most today. No need to ignore it. The other stuff will still be there tomorrow. But also, letting ideas blossom is enough, they do not always need to be written out yet. I just had new insights for a play I thought up in 2003. I had forgotten about the play completely and then it tapped my shoulder over 15 years later.

@sleeplessinmit: What opportunities are available for presenting blended-language or Spanish-language works of theatre? What tools are available to make them accessible to all audiences?

Repertorio Espanol in New York has been doing this work for a very long time! Reach out to them and ask if they know of other bilingual theaters in your area. Ask what tools they use for this work. Suerte!

Also check out Spanglish theaters in your area. Miracle Theater in Portland, Power Street Theatre in Philly, Urban Theater Company in Chicago are just a few. Make allies and seek out mentors!

@omixmix: my plays are nonrealistic and include Spanglish. How do I shift attention to working on my style of nonrealism when everybody else seems to latch on to the “challenges of a foreign language”?

See above answer about Spanglish theaters. There are probably some in your area!

Also, stick to your guns. Live your truth, speak your truth, write your truth, and that’s what matters. You don’t need anyone’s permission to create, and you also cannot control others. Articulate to yourself and others why this work speaks to you and is important to you.

QUIARA: I have had to get into a deep practice as a playwright that I have no control over an audience. I only have control over the words I create. I have to believe in my writing, whether or not it’s what people want.

@ajdm: How do the Iberian colonial conquests in what we now call Asia (east, south, and Pacific) and those diasporic movements figure into this conversation?

Exactly. They do. What about collaborations and bridge-building between local Asian theater groups and Latinx theater groups? This would be fire. Let them know you’re hungry for this. Let them know how you willparticipate in bringing this question to the stage!

For instance, Power Street Theater Company (Gabi’s company) supports the Asian Arts Initiative. Gabi attends their town halls, though she’s Puerto Rican. She listens, observes and supports. And when she’s invited to share, she does. World building together, and doing the work.

Showing up for each other.

@alejandroraya_: I find casting requiring Latinx are given less reach than castings for other POC. Many projects in need of POC are often wide searching, but it seems casting for Latinx feels somewhat inaccessible. How do you feel casting directors can create larger reach for Latinx artist?

This is not necessarily true about other POC groups. A lot of communities have limited casting access and are underserved. This may be for budget reasons, and also because the roles simply aren’t being produced.

Create a list of all the Latinx folks you know, find out who the casting director is, and send it to them. Are there Latinx casting lists and resource groups in your area? The Kilroys did this cool experiment about creating a visible google-searchable list of unproduced plays by womxn. This may be a neat thing to do in your area for Latinx actors. The internet is a great tool for harnessing visibility!

@mingarla: If you don’t sing and dance as a Latina actress, is there any chance of finding work in theater? Seriously thinking of giving up my Equity membership.

GABI: I seriously relate to that.

QUIARA: This is hard. As a playwright, I have recently pressed pause on my playwriting life. For various reasons. It’s ok to step aside. I think life as an actor must be hard, because you’re at the whims of writers, producers, directors, etc. However, if you’re an actor who’s also a writer, designer, producer, then you can start to create work for yourself.

GABI: Another option is to find other paying jobs that sustain you, that you love, because you will need that income. If you’re only sustained by being an actor in someone else’s thing, then the reality is that’s a hard road.

[peppurthehotone]

I was in the midst of finishing a Deepak Chopra 21-Day Abundance Meditation Challenge my friend Tanya started, when a bit of tragedy struck.

On November 29th, Matt and I were returning from Thanksgiving in Chicago on a four-hour flight into LAX. We had finally landed around 11:00 pm and is Matt is prone to do, he immediately pulled out his phone and turned it on. I always give him the side eye for this because I feel he does it before the lady says it’s okay to turn on electronic devices, and then I berate him for not being able to just sit, take in his surroundings and passenger people watch (as I do), rather than have his nose in his phone.

Thank God he turned on his phone.

The first text he received was from a friend that said, “Call ASAP. 911”. Unusual. Strange. We looked at each other and thought maybe something could be going on with her husband.

I quickly turned on my phone to a text from my brother that said, “Call me when the dust settles.” I’m like, “What dust?”

The next text careened us into a vortex of which we have not fully emerged nearly two weeks later.

Now, we all react to things differently, right? We are different people and that’s what makes us tick in this world. Remember this as you read on.

My brother’s next text said “Tina has been shot.” Tina?! My breath got caught in my throat, my stomach dropped, I slumped forward in my chair with my head smashed against the scratchy seat in front of me and I wanted to throw up. Matt cradled me and we were in “Oh my God” mode on repeat while trapped by all the passenger people.

The next text was, “And your dog Vivian is missing.”

When I tell you Matt read that and jolted backward in his chair and ricocheted off it and nearly fell in the aisle, I’m not fully exaggerating.

I stared at him like he had two heads.

If you’ve ever done the 21-Day Abundance thing, then you know it’s full of all these exercises that get you to a place of gratitude toward all the feels about yourself to help you realize how amazing you are so that you can go out into the world and start killing it. One of the exercises teaches you to not judge others. Because when you judge, you’re not in a loving place of compassion but in a rude place of lack.

I was trying really hard not to do that because my guy and I are two unique beings in the cosmos trying to live our best life but I couldn’t help myself so I yelled, “Matthew! Calm down!”

He didn’t.

We couldn’t get off that plane fast enough and once in the open terminal, I pulled to the side with my suitcase and started to hyperventilate. Because while trapped in the plane, I was literally constricted to keep it together and I was focused on trying to calm Matt, but once I was in open space, panic had room to swell and it hit me hard. I lost it. So while Matt was swirling around like he was possessed, trying to communicate on the phone with his sister who was in town from Colorado to visit us and was picking us up, I was doubled over the handle of my suitcase unable to breathe. We were a mess.

Somehow we made it outside to the car and the three of us sped (as best you can in LA traffic) 30 minutes downtown to where the incident had occurred.

Even in chaos, the universe acts in mysterious ways.

My friend Tina is a goddess of light, and once again, I’m not exaggerating. So, when I received another text from Crescent that said not to come to the hospital because the waiting room was AT CAPACITY of all our friends who were there to support her, it was a blessing because otherwise I would have had to make a Sophie’s Choice of do I go to the hospital to support my friend who’s been shot or support my fiance’ and our dog who was now lost for five hours, alone in the dark in the big bad jungle that is Downtown LA?

And thus began our search for little Vivian.

For seven full days she was missing. We did everything we were told to do in order to find her. Flyers. Flyers in English and Spanish. Flyers in plastic sheathes so they don’t get ruined. Go to the shelters – every day. Post on NextDoor, post on PawBoost, post in Facebook Groups in Downtown LA, in Lost to Found, in friend groups. Post on Craigslist. Talk to the homeless. Make a scent trail. (That was the hardest because Vivian was lost in a neighborhood unfamiliar to her and in a place that was industrial, transient, collegiate and corporate. Anything but single-family residential. There was no, “Make sure you put her bedding outside in your yard so she can smell her way back home.” There was no yard. But we tried. During one day that we walked we tied ripped-up pieces of Matt’s t-shirt to parking lot fence railings and street lamp bases hoping her little nose would find the strips and lead her back to Tina’s place, the last place she’d known as home.)

We were out for twelve hours the first day and eight the second and posted nearly 100 flyers. Matt’s FitBit thing said we walked almost fifteen miles. Matt’s sister was there right along with us. A dog mom and a human child mom, she not only knew what we were going through emotionally, she also knew time was of the essence and she spent her entire two days of visiting us out in the streets of LA seeing the muck of the city rather than any of its tarnished glitz.

I visited Tina on the second day and once I saw her face and heard her voice, I knew she was going to be ok. Because she believed it to be so.

We got our first real break on Day 2 which came in the form of a 10:30 pm call from Harvey, a car salesman at the Kia dealership on Figueroa. He was with a customer and had seen Vivi dash across Figueroa, red leash in tact. Thanks to flyers posted outside his job, he called immediately. That night we jumped out of bed, drove the 20 minutes from our flat in North Hollywood to where he saw her and walked the streets calling her name until 1:00 am.

We came home with nothing but more anxiety and sadness.

On Day 3 we hit the streets again. This time focusing on the homeless population; we knew the homeless had their eyes and ears to the street, quite literally…someone had to have seen her! It’s already in my nature to see people who are invisible to others, so it wasn’t a huge stretch to step into the sphere of someone’s street home to ask for help. Yet, I felt a bit of a hypocrite approaching people because I needed something, rather than the other way around.

We went up and down the encampments between 17th & Figueroa up to 23rd & Main, calling out hello to those who would answer and handing out flyers to those who’d pop their heads out to accept.

At the St. Francis Shelter for homeless and low income, on a block full of tents and make-shift shelters, we came upon a woman waiting for services. She was taller than me, black, about 20 or 30 years old and had a truly wonderful smile on her face. She told us, “I just got some good news today.” I took a moment to assess where she might go with this, and if she was on my side of crazy or her own and once I determined I could engage, I did. I said, “Oh, that’s great!” and smiled the smile you make when you want the person to tell you more, but you don’t want to intrude. She continued, “I just found out I’m pregnant!”

I swear to you the wind was punched out of me same as if she’d suckered me with her fist. I disappeared and pulled the emergency rip cord on my Hyper Peppy-Peppur Doll and she took over like Chatty Cathy.  I watched myself give her a hug and ask all the questions you’d ask anyone else, “Did you know? Could you feel it?” (Yes!) “How’d you find out?” (Clinic around the corner). “Is your guy happy about it too?” (Yes! He’s right there.) She pointed to a guy waiting for her in the street and said he was her boyfriend. There were two guys waiting, one in some kind of a wheel chair and one not. I asked, “Is he happy about it?” She nodded yes and Hyper Peppy-Peppur Doll promptly strode over to the guy not in the chair and shook his hands in congratulations. If I’d a had a cigar, I woulda given it to him.

Matt and I handed off our Vivian Lost Dog flyer and left. As we walked away, the doll deflated, the smile I’d plastered on my face melted off and a burst of sadness howled from me. I don’t have to tell you what I was thinking about that girl, because you’re thinking it too (how, what, when, where, why?!?).  But I was also was jealous. I was mad it wasn’t me. I didn’t understand. And then I … I had to stop myself.

Matt gently asked, “Are you alright?”

I wasn’t. I couldn’t look him in the eye. I didn’t want him to see how bad I felt.

I couldn’t stop those initial tears that rushed out, but I did stop myself from continuing. Because, 1) I didn’t have time to spiral; not now. We had a dog to find. 2) Did it really make sense for me to be upset? NO. I was going to a pain that was familiar and pain can often feel good, like for those who cut themselves. I lived in that pain for most of 2018. I didn’t need it anymore, so I chose to be happy for that young woman (like Deepak taught me) and then I had to swipe her from my mind (like my therapist taught me). I don’t usually do that to people, but this one needed a swift swipe right. She had her own life to live, and I had mine.

By Day 4, I was exhausted. We’d received a sort of ransom call from some Deep Throat guy that said we’d better negotiate a good reward or he’d keep the dog. (False). We’d had a hugely hopeful lost-dog photo match on an app that had us rushing to the Lacy Street shelter only to go through the kennels in the soaking rain to find out the dog that looked like Vivian online was in fact a male. Besides the ransom call, we’d heard nothing which meant she was dead in the street or someone had her. Either scenario meant we didn’t.

Matt needed to keep active. To keep putting up posters. To keep searching online. After that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad shelter let down on Day 4 ,I told him we’d done enough for the day and I needed to go home. He told me later that he couldn’t believe I was giving up. He resented that I wouldn’t do more for Vivi. I explained that repeatedly searching wasn’t helping me. I needed space to think. Space to mediate. Space to imagine. Space to visualize her running down the sidewalk to us.

I focused my energy on Vivian returning, Matt’s mind’s eye could only focus on her cold and dead in the street. We were Ying against Yang, night and day, hot and cold, black and white. Real.

Matt became unrecognizable. Or, his energy was. He would falter between moments of extreme grief to panicked despair. All with wrecking effects to my mid-western guy.

Around Day 5 or 6, I told him that I didn’t know who he was. I shouldn’t have said that. That hurt his feelings. Years ago when I told my dad he seemed like a shell of himself while he was going through a hard time, I should’ve learned my lesson to choose better words or keep them to myself. What dad heard me say was that I thought he was a shell of a man. Two very different things, but my words bit into him hard like that time when our other dog, Molly (a pit mix), chomped at my face when I tried to take her bone away. Dad hasn’t really forgiven me and it has easily been 10 years. Hopefully Matt will take less time.

Trauma, and for us, this was our own trauma, affects us all very differently. While Tina was going through her own trauma of being shot, I knew she had a tribe to support her. Matthew had only me — as he should, because we’re a team. And I’m not sure I was there for him in the way he needed, quite honestly. I wasn’t expecting him to be Thor and to sort of be this manly man in the face of pain, but I also wasn’t expecting him do what I interpreted as come undone. Matt usually isn’t one to show any emotion, (hardly ever), so to see this guy in the state that he was, was jarring. Therefore, I was left standing in the bedroom, staring at a stranger, and not being helpful. But I started to understand what was lying beneath.

Tina’s one-woman show last year. She was in the process of writing the second one and then this happened. She says, “I have SO much more to say now!!” #getready

Tina and I are friends and spiritual sisters because we believe in the moon and the stars and the powers above. We believe in good energy, karma and positive thinking. We both reject the negative. She is on a constant spiritual journey and I am constantly seeking the good in people and things. We see cosmic signs in everything, from a tangled string in the street to a receipt totally $3.33 (because three is a FANTASTIC number; I have two brothers and the three of us make the perfect Zodiac trifecta of Scorpio, Pisces and Cancer. When I see a three, I have immediate comfort because I think of my brothers and that fills me with love and a moment of peace.)

This kind of stuff — along with whatever spiritual faith you have, carries you. It holds you UP in times like these when you truly feel like you are out of control drowning in a dirty river of mucky water pulled into a bottomless LA drain.

I’m not saying I was the pillar of strength through all of this, but I had a dreamy well from which to draw and Matt, who is a die-hard realist, had reality. And reality was sucking pretty hard.

Matt and I are very different people. I learned I had to respect his process and not compare it to my own. I learned he loves our dogs. I love them too, but he loves them in a way that is connected to his soul and it was literally ripped out when he learned Vivian was gone. I learned my faith and belief system are strong and that this strength was something Matt is beginning to learn. I’m learning to be more vulnerable and open to other’s responses to grief, which make me uncomfortable.

Our amazing dog trainer, Adriana Barnes, who is a very spiritual woman and a dog whisperer joined us on our search. She lives forty-five minutes away and spent an entire day with us looking for Vivian. She is a believer too and we bonded over this knowledge that something else holds us and that through pain we grow. We knew all of this was happening to prepare us for something greater (she thinks for the two-legged family we will have one day). On Day 7, it was Adriana who helped us find and retrieve Vivian from a young homeless man (whom we hope we can help).  She was found only a few blocks from where we had been searching, but where we hadn’t. Matt tells the full story here and here (why we now call her “Viv the Shiv”).

Our Heroes. Adriana and the young man who found and returned Vivian.

With lovely, smelly!, scared Vivian in our arms, our first stop was to Harvey at Kia. We wanted to thank him, because without him, we would have been really lost. We then took her home and after the vet for a few stitches and a day to recover, we took Vivian around to all the Downtown folks we met who helped us along the way. To say Thanks for their help and thanks for believing.

This is A. Phillip of Fashion Service Group – 1837 S. Main Street. 626,979.4614. He MAKES patterns. Want to start a fashion line? He’s the guy!

  This is Kofi of Coffee by Kofi The Reef | LA Mart, 1933 S Broadway. Coffee is bomb and he also designs coasters and the tie he’s wearing out of fab buttons! https://www.coffeebykofi.com/ (He’s from Ghana. My new brother! #ancestry.com)

Cynthia loves makeup and lashes, so we brought her some.

JR is the MAN. We call him the Mayor of Main Street.

Cynthia loves makeup and lashes, so we brought her some.

JR is the MAN. We call him the Mayor of Main Street.

Cynthia loves makeup and eyelashes, so we brought her an early Christmas present. This is not the end of our friendship. If you’d like to help these guys, message me. 

JR is the MAN. We call him the Mayor of Main Street.

Last things: I want to pay it forward and pay it back. If you want to help out our friends, message me. We have ideas and we’ll need your help.

Matt will start volunteering at the Lacy Street shelter and I will start volunteering at LATTC (helped us too) in their foster care department.

Thank you to Deonna, Carl, Tanya & Dodger, Karimah and Morenike + Kids & Maxie for driving, walking and biking around the neighborhood to look for Vivian. I’ll never forget your kindness.

Keep Tina in your healing prayers. Send every shade and beam of light that you can. She will receive it.

That’s all, for now.

  #gratitude

When gratitude comes wagging I was in the midst of finishing a Deepak Chopra 21-Day Abundance Meditation Challenge my friend Tanya started, when a bit of tragedy struck.

[innocentfighter]

pingo1387 replied to your post: pingo1387 replied to your post: Does anyone want...

college kids?

My first OCs good choice, they've gone through several revamps over the years but this is pretty much their final form. Also, they’re attending school in Philadelphia. I picked the three main characters but this universe has a lot of side characters.

Aaron Cruz, a half Puerto Rican nonbinary kid (he/they pronouns) from Madison, Wisconsin. They majored in Music History but went back to school to get their education license. Their original plan was to get into movie soundtrack compositions (and they still have that goal), but after doing some research into schools and the music and art programs they wanted to get kids interested in it. After all, music had been what got them through the tough times in their life, and they want to make sure that kids get that option. They suffer from an anxiety disorder stemming from having so many high expectations placed on them (they still finished first in their class, but at what cost).

Basic Description: Black hair worn in an undercut, stands at a whopping 5’5’’ and has a very petite frame. Their eyes are brown, but usually a light brown. They usually dress masculine but have been known to dress femme and rarely do they walk out of the house without some form of foundation/concealer on. Their favorite clothing item is an olive green jacket.

Notable mentions: They were a baseball player in high school, and that’s actually how they afforded college (sports scholarship yo). Their instrument of choice is a bass guitar, but they were on their school’s drumline. When they get nervous, they hiccup and the more frequent the hiccups the more likely they’re about to have an anxiety attack. During college and after they worked at a Hard Rock, which is where they met their best friend (and later love interest). In professional settings, they use he/him pronouns. Also they’re out to their family, and his mama’s side is completely chill with it (excluding the usual probing questions i.e “are you sure this isn’t a phase?” from the older members.) but his dad didn’t take it well, but the guy had never been around much anyway since the divorce (however a plot point is the dad coming back and apologizing because he read and learned and was willing to try… we’ll see how that goes).

Tanya Goodson, a black straight girl from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She majored in physics and moved on to get her doctorate in it. Her entire life was focused on finding a way to the stars, to understand something bigger than her.  A lot of her problem about getting into college was the fact that her school system had been one of the poorer ones and they had to fight for every scrap that they got funding wise. She never let that stop her and while she hadn’t been the top of her class she had been in the top 10% and numbers had always been easy for her. Her overall goal is NASA.

General Description: She usually wears her hair long, usually with bright colored extensions however she does like to let it grow natural and has been known to rock the afro. Her eyes are dark brown. She’s about 5’6’’ and chubby. All of her clothes are high fashion, and she loved to rock crop tops and high-waist shorts. Her nails are usually acrylic and of a cute pastel color.

Notable Mentions: She loves painting and crafting, her favorite thing to do is make her own depictions of the universe. In high school, she was the class president and actually was able to organize a community day for victims of gun violence. Her Twitter is filled with calling people out on their bullshit and raising awareness to issues, also baking and things that she’s made. It was just her and her dad growing up, and they’re super close and he is so proud of his daughter (no literally that’s all he posts on facebook). She works at Hard Rock to help pay for her schooling, she got a partial scholarship. That’s where she met Aaron, who is her best friend. During her undergraduate studies, she had experimented with girls but found that she didn’t have any sexual/romantic attraction to them. Though she remains a strong ally. Also in high school, she struggled with depression and through the first couple years of college it had been particularly bad due to her having a low self-esteem, but she learned to get through that and is one of the more confident people.

Erich King, a white guy whose ace from St. Pete, Florida. He was pre-mid and managed to get into medical school and land a residency. Originally he wanted to be a doctor because he thought that it would make him a lot of money, but as he looked more into the profession he found that he actually wanted to do it, because he could help people. So he plans to become an intensivist. When he said that’s what he wanted to do, a lot of his friends laughed at him because they figured that he would just go to college and get one of the “basic” degrees like business. He hadn’t been a very good high school student, he finished in the low thirties out of 200.

Basic Description: He’s blond with his hair kept short except for the front which he styles spikey and he has gray eyes. He stands about 6’2’’ but he’s usually hunched over, having been teased about his height early on in life. When he’s not in scrubs, he makes sure he dresses professionally and looks clean, button ups and polos, he always shaves (other medical student’s hate that he looks so put together).

Notable Mentions: The boy has a caffeine addiction, it’s usually coffee but something with caffeine is near him, a lot of people worry about him. He has OCD and at times it can get pretty bad, mostly he has orderliness/symmetry and checking, in recent times it’s been under control but back in high school it had started to affect his grades because he had to keep checking that his locker was shut and his wallet was in the front pocket of his book bag. Speaking of high school, it had not been the best years of his life but they weren’t terrible. He was the football quarterback (captain in his senior year) and track star (all-star team and state champion for 200 m dash). In his junior year he found out that he was ace because while his friends were all talking about what their girlfriends had done for them during sex, he realized that he had been perfectly content with just cuddling his girlfriend or lazy make outs. Everyone thought he was just being a gentleman, but he thought differently so he did his own research and found that he was ace. It hasn’t really bothered him but he hasn’t told anyone. Aaron’s love interest.

[laismoura-art]

Apparently, if you don't have an straight bob cut like a movies Cleópatra you're not really Egyptian ¯\_(ಠ_ಠ)_/¯

Plus, I'm pretty sure this whole "Tanya is Egyptian" thing came from the fact that she has the Cleópatra hair in MKX

Pfft, sure they would. They complained when the ladies started to wear pants. PANTS! Not to mention, Tanya was called ugly for having dreads, a common black hairstyle, soooo...

"tanya wasnt african before, she was egyptian!!" is egypt ??? not in africa ?????

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

FINALLY: Let's talk about Halt and Catch Fire 4x04, and how nothing seemed to happen and then suddenly EVERYTHING happened

*Exhale* Okay. So, "Tonya and Nancy" didn't feel like an emotional roller coaster in the way that 4x03 did with its scene after scene of these characters suddenly being brutally self-aware and saying straight out that certain relationships aren't working and that certain characters do the same ineffective, destructive things over and over. Comparatively 4x04 felt pretty quiet. Until the end when it suddenly got incredibly loud, AMIRITE? Here's what I, personally, am still not over [nothing but spoilers for 4x04 of Halt and Catch Fire below]:

In general:

Even though I kinda hate them both, I'm sort of here for J*e and Gordon's blossoming bromance? When will they get a room? Yeah sure, they're setting us up for Gordon and Katie. But we're also talking about a slow burn that's been central to the show since the first episode!

Donna is handling being both personally utterly delighted by and completely professionally outdone by Haley's good work as well as can be expected. Basically, she deals with it by pushing all of her subordinates. Classic Donna.

Tanya is kicking. ass. If she gets punished for being great at her job I will sue AMC

Still really not okay with Bos' storyline or with him and Diane. I don't like that their marriage seems unhappy, and I'm not sure what we're supposed to get out of that? Sure, it sets up the big upset at the end of the hour. But making Bos desperate enough for Cameron to help him feels…like getting sprayed by an Airstream sewage pipe, tbh. Especially because it's hard to see how either of them get to a happy ending from this point. Bos in particular.

Not that Cameron's having a happy present. She's flailing (like literally, like in actual mud), still, and still hanging onto her connection with J*e to take the edge off. But he's becoming more invested in his work, Cameron rightfully does not want to work with him again or be with Hungry for Success J*e, and their relationship is already buckling under her paradoxical desire to have constant access to the distraction he provides from herself and her problems.

So the question becomes, how much did that affect Cameron's involvement with the Rover algorithm? Which will come out, because Donna will likely be able to tell who wrote it. Cameron's main motivation is helping Bos; was the possibility of sabotaging Comet a bonus, or no? (Doesn't really seem like it, she's not really that desperate to keep J*e around, even if she thinks she is.) Either way, it does seem like Cameron knew what she was doing, even if some viewers (like myself) didn't realize how huge the consequences of Rover being competitive might be.

And then of course there's the real, real question: how much did Cameron think about how this would affect her relationship with Donna? Did she really think she'd be able to write an entire algorithm for Donna's browser team without Donna noticing? Did she really think she'd be able to get away with this? Is it her version of setting a truck full of computers on fire?

The details:

THE SOUNDTRACK. Cameron's Infinite Airstream Playlist FTW!

Cameron insists on giving her ex gf's partner's rival search site a B- when Dick und Doof J*e and Gordon give it a C- and D- respectively….and also sees that Comet is unsustainable despite being really good.

"We can't pay everyone in Necco Wafers" REALLY, GORDON?!

Cameron Howe in a leather jacket and riding a motorcycle. UM? Okay, cool cool cool, not getting gayer literally every time I think about it or anything like that

This was all before the cold open!

We finally meet Dr. Katie Herman! And she is wearing a short floral dress, I had at least three just like it When I Was a Tween, Back in the 90s

Comet is hiring adults, good for them! Even better there are people and women of color! Including Lorraine, the second Black woman on screen this season. We also meet Risa, a bespectacled white woman who frankly has a humorless lesbian vibe (me too girl, me too), I loved her as soon as she pointedly corrected Gordon's pronunciation of Zagat's.

CONFIRMED: Cameron played 'Airstream' -- which basically means house -- with her friend Tori as a kid. Tiny Cameron Howe played house with a girl. Also this is the first we've heard of Cameron having childhood friends.

Donna and Haley do a regular girls' night out and it's precious

Cameron gets upset that J*e might not sleep over, but doesn't want to be alone with him after Gordon and Bos leave. And then…J*e hates being out at her trailer. Okay.

Donna, Joanie and I all feel the same way about Gordon getting a pie in the face

It's okay Cam, I always hated meeting my shitty gfs' friend groups that I never fit in with, too

Maybe I shouldn't but I kinda love how Cameron literally morphs into a child when Bos shows up and starts helping/parenting her. It's also another thing for which Mackenzie Davis deserves recognition.

I get that Cam's a genius but I don't appreciate repeated references to the visibly brown Rover coder's inadequacy. FREE CECIL!

'Click beetles'

Series A funding! Yay! Remind me to look up what that is on Comet later 

Also not happy about Cecil being forced to lie and getting dragged into some wh*te nonsense! Even though it's also totally real, SMDH

I knew that Cameron would write the algorithm as soon as I saw Bos telling her about his debt, and I knew Donna was gonna figure it out when I saw her listening to Cecil and realizing that he'd been coached. Still didn't see the end coming, or realize what the stakes were until that final scene.