#also i have creaatures in my head ough

[butchreg]

personal venty post trying to word something that i cannot stop thinking about .. allusions to sui , no pressure at all 2 read just .. thinking i suppose

i feel scared every time i realize im NINETEEN now.. i think i will be forever trapped mentally at sixteen && it scares me that im physically getting older when i'm starting to worry i will mentally never get over the hurdle of sixteen. i feel so inexperienced with everything people my age are doing && have already done && i keep having to fix it when someone asks me my age because when im on autopilot or heavily dissociated which i am around 94% of the time i automatically go "sixteen" but i'm not actually a kid anymore. i'm really struggling with uni because i feel incapable of being an adult && making my own decisions i can't do anything without a real person helping me because i'm still stuck at the age i thought i'd die at. i didn't plan for or ever imagine myself getting to nineteen && im so horribly stunted emotionally && even physically in some ways because i never really got older than that. i feel utterly terrified that i'm getting closer && closer to being a Real adult when i feel younger && younger every day.