#alone but sane ; i am a love suicide ( jennifer )

[staticfog]

Questions/Comments to be sent anonymously! - Accepting

A Grey Child whispered: JENNIFER - “you’re weak”

"I ... I’m not.” Folded hands are clasped against her chest, and Jennifer - despite her efforts to hold her head up high - can’t help but tremble. At least Brown is here, at her side, like he’s always been.

"I’m not weak.” A repeated declaration, falling on deaf ears, for even now she’s struggling through the airship, looking for that which her bullies demand. She’s tormented, haunted by a past she only vaguely remembers, and as the stranger makes their declaration, she feels -

Sick.

“I have to do this. I have to find answers ... ” One hand lowers, and as Jennifer strokes Brown’s fur, she feels some strength return. “It’s for me, for Brown, for -” Wendy - “For - Us. So we can go home ... ”

[fyeahlearning-blog]

Hamlet is one of William Shakespeare’s most famous plays, if not the most well-known. Nearly everyone will recognize the Prince holding poor Yorick’s skull, even if they know nothing else about the play. Hamlet is probably performed around the year 1600. There were three distinct versions - Quarto One, Quarto Two, and the First Folio. These were printed at different times and have some textual differences.

It’s easy to learn about the play, even by reading SparkNotes. Instead of summarizing Hamlet, I want to go over a few interesting points/themes that I learned during one of my Shakespeare classes at university.

The Trouble with Hamlet

Hamlet believes that women are inconsistent - not only his mother, who can’t seem to be able to control her sexuality, but also Ophelia. In fact, everyone is inconsistent except for him. Perhaps this is because after the death of his father, Hamlet believes that he is the only person who shows true sorrow for this tragic event. Laertes, on the other hand, believes that men are inconsistent (1.3.10-31). In fact, Hamlet is the problem for Laertes. He tells Ophelia that because Hamlet is the prince of Denmark, he cannot make decisions for himself - his mind can never be his own. For Hamlet, political desires must always override his own desires. Laertes believe that Hamlet thinks he knows his own desires, but that he doesn’t, really.

Performance vs. Passion

Hamlet appears to be a quite hot-headed young man. When he is in the heat of the moment, he can commit murder quite easily (e.g. Polonius). However, when he is forced to stop and think of his actions, Hamlet becomes quite uneasy. A prime example is when Hamlet is mulling over whether to kill Claudius or not while his stepfather is praying.

The dichotomy between what one really feels and how one acts on the outside is probably my favourite part of the play. Polonius’ famous “ to thine own self be true” speech is made even more ridiculous by the fact that no one in Hamlet acts true to their own self. Everyone is performing, from Hamlet pretending madness to Claudius pretending to be the kind father. Hamlet performs insanity for Polonius, then later for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. “Now I am alone,” he says to the audience when his friends leave - ergo, now I can stop performing.

Yet Hamlet is worried about his outside not matching his inside. He has acted the grieving son, yes, but even a player (an actor) can look sadder than he does, just for a fictional part. Everyone is unsure of how Hamlet is acting - but so is he.

At the Mousetrap play, Hamlet makes obscene and objectifying comments to Ophelia. Does he actually mean what he is saying, or is he performing the part of the man everyone thinks he is? The interpretation of one’s choosing depends on how one believes it fits with the rest of the play. Furthermore, Ophelia seems to take the comments easily in stride - she even banters back with him.

The Women of the Play

It’s pretty obvious that Ophelia is in a position of powerlessness. Shakespeare’s men can get away with things that women simply cannot. For instance, Polonius appears to find it natural that Hamlet has fallen into madness in love for Ophelia. On the other hand, he expects that Ophelia will hold everything together. He sends Ophelia to Hamlet to “cure” him of his madness. There is a presence of double standards here. Ophelia must be stable but Hamlet can be all over the place.

Hamlet’s comments to Ophelia in the “get thee to a nunnery!” scene (1.3) are quite cruel. Women are terrible. They are also deceptive because they wear makeup. However, again, we don’t know if he actually means what he is saying. The Danish prince knows that Ophelia is being controlled by Claudius and Polonius, so perhaps he suspects that their conversation will be repeated to them. And yet, his comments, put together with Polonius’ death and Laertes gone from the court, create an atmosphere in which Ophelia, no longer able to stand the pressure, goes insane and kills herself. We might ask then - does the inside (what Hamlet actually meant) matter when the performance causes suicide?

In the Mel Gibson movie version, Hamlet seems no better than Claudius. Not only these two, but even Hamlet Sr., are all trying to control Gertrude’s sexuality. But what kind of character is Gertrude, really? Does she love Claudius, is she just trying to control her power the best way she can, or is she a victim? Like Ophelia, who is present in the play to be pretty, Gertrude is also there to fulfill a role. If she is not a wife, she is a mother.

What about Ophelia’s death? Gertrude’s description of how Ophelia falls into the brook and floats about like a mermaid before she finally drowns seems rather suspicious. There is a couple ways of reading this scene. Perhaps Gertrude is trying to make Ophelia’s death matter in the only way that will make the men stop and listen. This is why, then, she describes Ophelia’s death in the most beautiful way possible, tugging upon the men’s heartstrings. Perhaps Gertrude is the type of person who takes horrible events and tries to make them look better, to keep the people around her sane. (Don’t worry that my husband is dead - we have a new king. Don’t worry that Ophelia is dead - it looked pretty; trust me, I was there.) Or perhaps Gertrude had something to do with Ophelia’s death. It does indeed sound as if she watched the entire incident without trying to help the young girl. She also knew that Ophelia’s death would spurn Laertes to vengeance - which would mean finally getting that pesky Hamlet out of the way.

Hamlet and Horatio

My professor didn’t talk about Hamlet’s relationship with Horatio, but I couldn’t end this post without talking about my favourite tragic Danish boys.

Ophelia is left alone, making her seclusion all the more debilitating and dangerous (thereby leading to her suicide); on the other hand, Hamlet finds a source of comfort in his friend Horatio. It is evident that Hamlet keeps his thoughts to himself as the play goes on; however, Horatio is Hamlet’s dearest friend and is still his confidante even towards the end of the play. Hamlet opens up more to Horatio than any other character, thereby easing at least a part of his isolation. While Hamlet disdains the company of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and perhaps also Ophelia, he maintains that Horatio is the most honest man that he knows – “thou art e’en as just a man / As e’er my conversation coped withal” (3.2.47-48) – and, therefore, the one most worthy of trust. 

As further contrast between Horatio and Hamlet’s other male friends, Hamlet mentions to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern that he is unable to sleep peacefully: “Oh God, I could be bounded in a nutshell and / count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I / have bad dreams” (2.2.231.15-17). The pair does not seem to comprehend the significance of Hamlet’s statement, overlooking the fact that Hamlet has momentarily revealed a deeper part of himself. Consequently, Hamlet again regards his classmates with scorn and does not open up to them again. It is only Horatio who hears more of Hamlet’s nightmares: “Sir, in my heart there was a kind of fighting / That would not let me sleep” (5.2.4-5). Horatio questions Hamlet about his dreams, taking his friend seriously and thereby proving himself worthy of Hamlet’s confidence. Since Horatio is a sincere friend, Hamlet divulges more about himself as the play continues – Hamlet therefore has someone with whom to converse even though he isolates himself from everyone else.

Sources: Shakespeare Uncovered, the three versions, Emma Smith’s lecture, Hamlet (1990), Hamlet (2009), “The Shared Loneliness of Hamlet and Ophelia” (an essay I wrote last year), my own class notes (Jennifer Garrison, St. Mary’s University).

[char27martin]

For the Love of Love: 8 Benefits of Reading & Writing Romance Novels

by Angela James

“Without romance novels, I wouldn’t be who I am today.”

Romance readers have long suffered through Fabio jokes, inaccurate assumptions, contempt, and lurid speculation from those outside the romance community. No other genre is the target of such ridicule as romance. And yet, romance readers remain loyal to the books, their favorite authors, and to their community. Romance may be the most popular fiction genre, but not because of all the things non-romance readers like to sneer at. Romance gives something to its readers that no other genre seems to offer.

Romance isn’t a joke. It’s an escape, it’s hope, it’s a community, a source of knowledge, a gathering of friends, an affirmation, it unites differences, offers representation, gives comfort, and provides a voice.

So many articles have been written about romance novels, but none capture the spirit and positive impact these books have had in the lives of those who read them. No mainstream articles seem willing to pay tribute to the readers, the authors, and the words on the page making a difference. So I asked people to share their romance positive moments. This is a small selection of the responses, which were as different as the readers of romance are, but also united by common themes. In their words.

Twitter, tell me about the positive impact romance novels or the romance community has had on you, or that you’ve witnessed. Looking for wonderful tidbits for a romance-positive article!

— Angela James (@angelajames) January 31, 2018

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HOPE

By far the word mentioned most often in the responses, romance novels have given readers hope across illness, loss, despair, uncertainty and turbulent political times.

I found Romance after my brother commuted suicide. It was a very dark and hopeless time, but Romance taught me that hope can rise again even after the darkest of moments and love, in all its forms, can be found if you just open yourself up to it.

— Mariah Ankenman (@mariahankenman) January 31, 2018

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  Romance was basically the missing link for me in my life. It inspired me to write again, I found passion, I found purpose, I understood myself better, women and even men better! Kept me sane through my bizarre marriage. A huge turning point for me in my life.

— Christine Donley (@chrisanthemum7) February 2, 2018

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  Romance threw me a lifeline when I was a depressed teenager living with alcoholic parents. In addition to providing me with a temporary escape, romance gave me hope that things would get better and the courage to create my own destiny. I became my own heroine.

— AJJ (@cricksiren) January 31, 2018

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  I began reading romance novels after my first miscarriage. I believe they re-wired my brain and helped me remember what optimism felt like.

— Mia Hopkins (@MiaHopkinsxoxo) January 31, 2018

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  When I was a pre-teen my Mom had massive stroke.. my coping skills was to read and create my own safe space . Reading romance brought me into a world of happiness while in a world of darkness .

— Colleenmarieh (@colleenhruska) January 31, 2018

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  There’s so much hope in them and the world is garbage right now so it’s fantastic to escape into these stories where perfectly imperfect people find themselves worthy

— Leslie (@lesliemp_) February 1, 2018

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Love Letters: How to Spark Romance in a Story Without Using the L-Word

REPRESENTATION

Representation came up again and again in romance readers’ responses. The gift of seeing themselves, feeling validated, understanding that they weren’t alone… It’s difficult to overstate the value of representation, the opportunity to be seen and heard.

  As a reader, queer romance in particular allowed me to see happiness for people like me even when I was at my lowest. And knowing there’ll be an HEA or HFN means even the darkest stories in the genre have hope at their core.

— Elliot Cooper (@elliotwrites) January 31, 2018

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  Romance was where I first saw characters genuinely like me: black women who lived the life I live. I “belonged” in romance.

— Rhonda J. Joseph (@rjacksonjoseph) February 1, 2018

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  Romance novels are particularly important for marginalized people—as a queer, disabled person I never see myself as a love interest or even dateable in most media, but romance is doing better with this in recent years. https://t.co/TPPPiOpf0l

— Alaina Leary (@alainaskeys) February 1, 2018

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  Well… I struggled with my sexuality for a long time and discovering LGBT+ romances and the (amazing) community around it made me feel safe enough to explore and finally come to terms with who I am. I feel pretty good now saying I’m biromantic and ace. Thanks romance!

— Emy Calirel (@EmyCalirel) January 31, 2018

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  Romcoms remind me that real people like me can have fairytale Romances

— Sheritha Singh (@Shersinghzn) January 31, 2018

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KNOWLEDGE

Sometimes funny, sometimes touching, readers shared the opportunities reading romance has given them, and the knowledge it has imparted.

  I was raised by conservative Catholics who never discussed sex. Romances taught me what positive, healthy sexuality can look like and helped break through the intense catholic shame

— Audely Bensen (@AudelyBensen) January 31, 2018

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  Without historical romance novels I never would have passed my high school history exams. My teacher was boring as hell, and romance brought to life the things he droned on about in class.

— Lizbeth Martin-Lopez (@lizbethannlopez) January 31, 2018

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  Totally unrelated to anything but general life improvement – romance novels improved my vocabulary immensely. Seriously. I learned more SAT words in romance novels than in classes. Also history. Because historical romance tends to be incredibly well researched.

— Elise Logan (@Elise_Logan) January 31, 2018

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  Romance novels are what got me reading. I was an indifferent tween until I stumbled across Jude Deveraux’s The Princess. It started my love affair with books.

— Nancy Burke (@Nancy_Burke) January 31, 2018

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Write Naked A Bestseller’s Secrets to Writing Romance & Navigating the Path to Success by Jennifer Probst

FRIENDSHIP

Those involved in the romance community know that it’s a place where lifelong friendships grow and thrive. For many, romance novels have led to some of their most rewarding relationships.

  Romance unites all of its readers along several, timeless journeys to the HEA. And especially those HEAs for All. The Romance Community is the most welcoming and inclusive group I have ever had the pleasure to learn from and collaborate with in my entire library career

— Frannie’s Romance (@FranniesRomance) January 31, 2018

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  Some(most) of the best person I’ve met on Twitter are from Romancelandia. Books I never knew existed that I can see myself in were rec’d by the romance community. Even encouragement to continue my own writing.

— L. Anthony Graham (@Grey_Books) January 31, 2018

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  My best friends and I used to share romance from around age 12 (starting with Rebecca Brandewyne- swoon). Even though we all moved away, we still share books (the postage is insane). When they were my bridesmaids, they quoted ‘Desire in Disguise’ in their speeches.

— Sharon Ibbotson (@seibbotson) January 31, 2018

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  M/M romance introduced me to a whole new genre I never knew existed. It also introduced me to some of the best friends I’ve ever known.

— Steve Leonard (@stevetleonard) January 31, 2018

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  Romance has given me a community of friends in my country and around the world. I’ve met (in person) fellow readers from the US to Australia, and I take an annual vacation with romance reader friends. We are a worldwide community, both online and in person.

— Mary Lynne Nielsen (@emmelnie) January 31, 2018

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SUPPORT

The romance community has given a lift to many of its members during times of sorrow, loss and pain, and when encouragement is needed, a kind word, gift, or just a response on social media can make a difference.

  They saved me when I was at rock bottom. One friend, one gesture. A novel in a plastic bag left by my door – the game changer. I was able to lose myself in a book for a moment of peace and find perspective that grew to a renewed love for reading and my passion for writing.

— Heather Castle (@AuthorHCastle) February 1, 2018

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  Without the romance community, I wouldn’t have met a number of my closest friends. I wouldn’t have the career I do now. Without their support, I’m not sure how I would have made it through the death of my mother 6 years ago.

— Lynda the Guppy (@FishWithSticks) January 31, 2018

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  This is the best writing community. We have each other’s backs, are always there to support each other through both highs and lows. I’ve never been apart of a community that is so welcoming and understands my struggles so completely.

— Tricia Lynne (@tlynne67) January 31, 2018

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Online Course: Writing the Romance Novel | March 8, 2018 with Elizabeth Delisi

INSPIRATION

It’s no secret that books are inspiration, but those who’ve never read a romance novel might make a lewd joke about just what it is they inspire, rather than understanding the difference romance novels have made in readers’ lives.

  A romance series was why I joined the US Navy.

— Black Claire Beauchamp (@synonymsoflove) February 1, 2018

    Thank God, I found romance novels at 11. Helped me with the learning disability I had since 2nd grade. Now working on second MA and a published author.

— Nikki Prince (@AuthorNPrince) January 31, 2018

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  Started reading romance as a teen. They taught me I could ask for what I wanted in the bedroom. That agency parlayed into a 12-year career selling sex toys and education women. PLUS was part of impetus in creating my subscription box @bawdybookworms

— Thien-Kim Lam (@thienkim) January 31, 2018

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EMPOWERMENT

Race, sexuality, gender, economic status… it’s all that and more. Romance is about hearing the message of “yes, you can” and “it’s okay to be who you are, you will be loved.” Not just representation, but encouragement and acceptance.

  Well I finally discover/acknowledge my asexuality because of reading romance. Will never know otherwise. Especially since I come from culture that do not talk about sex openly

— Ami (@amiesavitri) January 31, 2018

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  I have found romance novels (of all varieties) empowering. Romance is a place where women were at the center (I’ve been reading them for 35+ years when primarily were m/f). Women had a voice. Their desire for love, careers & love, sex, etc were important.

— Jennifer Porter (@JenniferRNN) January 31, 2018

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  There’s Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s memoir Infidel, where she talks about her youth in a repressive environment, esp. for females, suffered FGM, and how romance novels gave her a glimpse into a world where women expressed their desires and were treated with respect.

— Sabine Sur (@sabinesurlalune) January 31, 2018

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ESCAPE

Yes, romance offers hope, representation, empowerment, inspiration, friendship and support, but, at the end of it all, romance readers can rely on a sense of optimism and the promise of a happy ending.

  I started reading romance novels while was undergoing cancer treatment. I needed positive, escapist stories that promised a HEA.

— Tracey/Alanna is ready for spring (@TA_Martin) January 31, 2018

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  Romance novels were my reward, my self-care, as a social worker. After witnessing such human suffering, I needed the stories of love and redemption romance novels promised in order to keep me going.

— HarperKincaid (@HarperKincaid) January 31, 2018

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Without romance novels, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t be doing a job I’m so thankful for, in a marriage with my best friend, a parent to a beautiful daughter, a believer in social justice and equality, a friend you can count on, and a person who believes in love and happily ever afters. Those might be my words, but it’s already easy to see I’m not alone. Read a romance. Who knows, it may just change your life too! #romancepositive

  It brought me to my people, the only ones who really understand me.

— Cassandra Carr (@Cassandra_Carr) January 31, 2018

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  Angela James, editorial director of Carina Press, an adult genre fiction imprint of Harlequin, is both an avid reader of digital books and a veteran of and advocate for the digital publishing industry. She has enjoyed fifteen years of experience in her field, including successfully launching, building and serving as editorial lead for two digital-first presses: Samhain Publishing and, since 2009, Harlequin’s Carina Press. She has edited bestselling authors such as Alexa Riley, Shannon Stacey, Jaci Burton, Lauren Dane, Ilona Andrews, Lilith Saintcrow, Shelly Laurenston and more. She was profiled in Fast Company magazine as a digital pioneer in the romance publishing industry, has been named New York Romance Writers of America’s 2013 Golden Apple Editor of the Year, and is the creator of Before You Hit Send, the popular online self-editing and writing workshop for authors. You can find Angela on Twitter at @angelajames.

The post For the Love of Love: 8 Benefits of Reading & Writing Romance Novels appeared first on WritersDigest.com.

from Writing Editor Blogs – WritersDigest.com http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/questions-and-quandaries/romance-writing/8-benefits-reading-writing-romance-novels

[letterstochristopher]

Letters to Chris. April 25th. Day 17.

 Hey Buddy,

I’ve hoarded more of your things. My pile of Chris articles on the bed has grown to include nine shirts, a jacket, a pair of jeans, a pillow from your couch and one from your bed (complete with camo pillowcase), your stuffed toy dog, pajama pants, four books and your firefighter blanket. I’m lucky this bed is a king or else there would be no room for me. Nikea came home for dinner tonight and went through your things to find stuff she wanted to keep, too. I told her she could go through the things on my bed and she laughed, remarking how every time she comes home the heap grows. But I HAD to grow it slowly. I wasn’t sure if Mom would be okay with me removing anything, so Id sneak up a few pieces of clothing every night. What started out as a couple shirts has blossomed into an entire wardrobe. 

Remember how Nikea rarely cries? She did when she started going through your shirts downstairs tonight. She held up one of your grey sweatshirts with the zipper neck, saying how she could just SEE you wearing it. I walked around your things to her and held her tight, then Mom wrapped her arms around both of us and we all started to sob. Mom asked how we are going to get through this. She knows we will, but she just doesn’t know how. I don't either. Time I guess. It's going to take so long. But time is the only thing that will help. Poor Mom. She not only feels her own pain, but also Nikea’s and mine. She sobbed that she would do anything to take our pain away, that she wished she could just take it all as her own. And I know she would in a second. It must be the hardest thing in the world, to be a parent at a time like this. She couldn’t save her son, and now she can’t protect her daughters from hurting. That has to be such a powerless feeling. But I wouldn’t want her to take away my pain. Yes, it sucks to ache, to miss you like this. To have this crazy huge chasm in my heart that hurts all the time. Every minute of every day. But this grief is my own. It connects me to you. I was thinking about that movie, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” and if I was given the option to erase you to get rid of the pain, would I? The answer was so simple. Absolutely not. Never. Knowing you, loving you, growing up with you as my brother, is worth the pain. Every single second of it. You helped make me who I am, and there is no way in hell I would ever let that go. Even if I felt like this every day for the rest of my life. I know everyone feels the same. You are ours, and we would never give that up. Nikea ended up picking out several different shirts, and as she held them close to her chest she remarked how the pile was about the same width as you. I held out my arms and hugged the air, the exact width I remember your tall skinny body being. I still remember the exact way my arms fit around you. I just can see you, hear you so clearly. Feel our hugs so clearly. Like I hugged you yesterday, even though it's been a year (A year...it just doesn't seem possible that it's been that long since I saw your beautiful face). Don’t let that fade, Chris. 

Yesterday, I met one of my closest friends for coffee. You may have met Chris at our wedding. She’s incredible and is one of the most loving and supportive human beings I know. She’s one of those people who simply calms your heart by being there. She cried with me, and she really didn’t even know you; she just felt my pain with me. I’m grateful you had friends like that in your life. I know of a couple. But despite a few tears during our visit, there were actually quite a few laughs. It was so good to catch up.  It’s so easy to want to stay home, huddled on the couch with your stuff, but I need to keep doing normal things like meeting for coffee. I told Mom tonight that I don’t know how to go on with my normal life, to which she responded, “You will because you have to. You have to go to work. You have to walk the dogs. You have to go to the grocery store.” And I know she’s right. But it also feels so wrong to get on with a normal life. I’m just not ready yet. Not even close. Like tonight, I RSVP’d to a friend’s birthday party. It’s going to be so weird…celebrating someone's another year alive when you died. It just seems so foreign to me. Things I would look forward to I now have no idea how to handle. I feel so changed.

But I do notice more “normal” moments in between the crying. I put quotations around normal, because it’s still not normal. Not at all. You’re there, regardless of what we do. But there are more moments of easy conversation, even more laughter. We sat on the patio this evening. Today was almost too warm but this evening was perfect. I love springtime in Missouri. Dad, of course, was telling stories about this and that, waving his arms wildly as he does. Somehow Trump came up, which Mom put a stop to quickly. I teased Dad about the Glenn Beck book he has on his work bench, worrying that he was going to pass it to us to read. Then an Oriole perched on a tree close to us, contemplating visiting the bird feeder (it changed its mind. Dad said we moved too much-every time one of us would shift slightly, he’d be like, “Don’t move….Stop blinking! Stop rubbing your neck. Nikea, hold still!” Nikea was trying to remove a hair from her face and commented she was going to throw hair in Dad’s face and see if he could hold still. Such a little smart ass. I really need to record these conversations).

I went to Mom’s therapy appointment with her yesterday. I’m so glad I did. I wish I could take Dr. Kramer with me to Denver. I don’t remember this, but apparently she interviewed you, Bethany and I when Mom and Dad were becoming our guardians. Anyway, she’s amazing. Obviously we talked about you. Ha. But she could just see I’ve been beating myself up about not being there for you. I didn’t even have to say anything, but she pulled her chair closer to me, looked me in the eyes and said, “Jennifer. There is nothing you could have done. You were there for him. That's all you could do.”

“No. I didn’t reach out like I should have. I was so pissed at him for not wanting to be better. I let him down.”

“You did what you could. You were there for him as much as he would let you. You reached out, and he kept slapping away your hand. He did that to everyone. It was not your fault. You were living in two different states, living your own lives. Unless someone calls 24 hours in advance to tell you they are going to commit suicide, there is not much you can do. Chris didn’t tell anyone he had these thoughts.”

It helped, but I’m still angry with myself. I still have guilt. I still think about all the things I should have done differently. But it helped to hear someone say I couldn’t have saved you, if only for a little while. Dr. Kramer also helped me feel better about something that has been plaguing me: your final moments. See, we went through your phone and know you were alive when Mom and Dad called. You texted someone else that you were thinking about killing yourself AFTER Dad called. Chris, why the f*ck didn’t you pick up the phone? Was it because your text didn’t come through for an hour and so you were upset no one responded?? One thing that haunts Mom is that her phone didn’t even show your text until 730, a full hour after you sent it. It just didn’t come through. I assured her that you had already made up your mind, but she still wonders if you were waiting for a response. I don’t know if trying to figure out the timeline made anything better. No. It didn’t. What do we do with this knowledge? But we just felt we needed to know. That's the thing when someone you love ends his life-you look for answers. Any answers. We are beyond grateful you sent a text, but in a way it leaves us with more questions. What does "I can't live like this anymore" mean, Chris?? I hate all these questions that will never have answers. Do you understand what that does to us? Do you know what it was like for Mom, Dad and Nikea to be sitting here, waiting to hear back from the police? What it was like when they patched Mom through to the sheriff on the scene who confirmed what Mom already knew? I wish I had known of that text. I would have texted you, begging you to live, to let me come out and visit. It wouldn't have done any good. But this is stuck on repeat in my head. Best we can tell, it was between 741 (when you sent your final text) and 830. Like I said, this knowledge doesn’t do anyone any good. But your final moments, at this particular time in my grief, seem so important. To know what you were feeling, what you were thinking. I’ve always told myself you were at peace, but of course there’s that part of me that questions. So I told Dr. Kramer how I keep thinking about those final moments. Were you scared? What was going through your mind? To which she replied that she believes you were at peace. That I cannot possibly know what you were thinking, because I cannot apply my “sane” mind to where you were. She explained that once someone has gotten to the place where they are going to kill themselves, they have crossed from “sanity” to “insanity,” or rather, no longer sane. In those moments, our brains process differently. And instead of the fear and anguish another person may feel at the thought of death, you felt relief. Clearheaded. Peace. It showed through the text you sent Mom. I cling to that. Dr. Kramer has strong faith like me. The serenity prayer hangs in her office. So we talked about God and Heaven, and how God took care of you because he knew you were sick. You weren’t alone in your final moments…someone who loved you very much was there with you. Hearing that has helped more than anything else. My faith, and knowing you are in Heaven and being cared for, that you are here watching over us, are the only things that keep me going. 

I did find something cool...I was going through your emails and came across one you had sent your uncle almost two years ago to the day. It was four pages of you talking about how happy you were, describing in detail your time in AIT, your first deer hunt, your new wife and little boy. You were so damn happy, so proud of what you accomplished and so in love with life. It was so funny, too, quoting Forest Gump when talking about your butt shots ("Something jumped up and bit me!" I didn't know that was your favorite movie). It was heartbreaking and comforting to read, because this was the person I knew before the last six months. Comforting because you DID know happiness. Heartbreaking because of the difference between the person who wrote this and the person who took his life. Two years. Two. Years. But I forwarded your email to Mom, Dad and Nikea. Because this is how we want to remember you. Proud. Deeply happy. Excited about the future. I’m so tired and am going to try to sleep. I wish I could work on this earlier in the day, but it just seems my brain doesn’t work until the odd hours of the night.

Love you, Buddy. Miss you.

[staticfog]

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