#almost 6months of this shit

[perfectlyhappypumpkin]

Honestly… I’m just tired. Tired and sad.

I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of being in pain and I’m tired of being sad and having no money and trying to do everything with no help.

I physically and mentally can’t do this, but I’ve got no choice. No choice, no help, just dealing every day with this, and it fucking sucks.

I’ve got no money, no time, no happiness, and truthfully lately it feels like I’ve got no friends either. Not that I’d have time to spend with them anyway.

I’m just so exhausted and I hope this is worth it in some way in the future, because I’ve never tried so hard in my life to not give up….

Now time to suck it up and go do more crap…

[clingylilhoneybee]

Bleh

[r1pp4r]

hi lovelies!! work has been busy <333 i’m working on requests but in the mean time have some simon “ghost” riley headcannons :))

- i also bought a ps4 and have been playing cod so… more content hehe 🫶🫶

anyway!! here’s the headcannons :)) slight NSFW warning!!!

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- 🫣

• simon isn't a physical touch man unless youre in private but it takes a little bit. he won't be all over you when the two of you are out in public, especially on mission. but he'll do discreet little touches here and there (i.e put his hand on your upper arm, brush your shoulder, your knee, thigh) he'll even grab your pinky (he LOVES finger holding you cant change my mind)

• while simon would be absolutely infatuated with you, he'd also be terrified of you. he loves the thought of having you wrapped in his arms at night but the thought of him crushing or possibly hurting you shuts the idea out almost completely.

• this one is sad but he's hurt you before sleeping. he was definitely having a night terror, he's pushed you out of bed sometimes or woken up screaming. you didn't get to see that until farther along in the relationship though, he probably wouldn't physically sleep with you for maybe the first 6months to a year. it depends on ur dynamic :))

• as much as i know everyone thinks he'd be some mean, aggressive brute in bed... bro. he'd literally be so sweet. he'd take his time and make sure you felt loved. he likes to use his hands and mouth more than his yk, it just makes him feel like he's violating you less? idk how to explain it but he doesn't like receiving TOO much, like he won't ask for it every time but if you ever wanna really get him goin.. 🫣🫣🫣

• simon loves to take care of you, and the thing is you'll argue over it. (at least imc) but he'd definitely try and be the main caretaker of everything and i mean EVERYTHINGGGG, but he also likes ur independence :)) so u have your own job n your own money, he just likes to take care of the big things you pay for groceries n shit (when he's not looking)

• this man LOOOOOVES ur thighs. he loves just feeling his head squished in between the warmth. he loved feeling the skin squish between his fingers as he grabs your legs... esp when it jiggles after he spanks u. ANYWAYYYYYYYYY

• he loves cuddling whenever youre the little spoon in any shape or form. simon is ALWAYS holding you. his arms are wrapped around your form like a cocoon and he makes sure you're all cozied up against him. he also likes to make sure you're protected and one of the only ways he can do that is with his arms around you. he feels the safest with his arms wrapped around you, as do you.

• playing off that.. this man will literally murk a motherfucker if they LOOK at you wrong. (obviously not he'd just stare.. at them. very intensely) but if anyone ever put their hands on you in any sense of malice... i don't think for a second simon would hesitate.

• also... playing off sense. simon 100% knows when someone's bullshitting, or he can call anyone out within a minute. he's VERY good at reading people and truly can figure out their intentions quickly (obvs they can change or he can be wrong but like.. he's not 85% of the time.)

• once simon is comfortable enough with you, he'll come to you whenever he's having a moment and will allow you to basically cradle him until he doesn't need it anymore. he doesn't like to be squeezed tho (besides during ... but we knew that 😸) he just wants you to hold him and run ur fingers through his hair

• he talks a LITTLE bit more with you and his tone is a lot different and his voice is softer but he still doesn't talk a LOT. you do most of the talking but he prefers it that way because he loves listening to your voice. (he 100% calls you on missions whenever he can rather than text, he HATES texting)

• simon has cried to soap and roach about how he wants to love you but feels like he can’t. 100%.

• he only likes to be called simon when they’re at home, or in the bedroom. sometimes you’ve slipped up and he doesn’t mind :)

•bonus simon loves ur hands :~)

[levisforgottentea]

HII can i request for a sub hongjoong x male reader where reader and hj are longtime rivals? reader LOVES to insult the man because he KNOWS he has a degrading kink and they take it to the bathroom at an awards show

I love you😮

HONGJOONG😍😍😍

Mingi was one of (name)’s best friends, so he was often around the Ateez dorms.

Hongjoong? Gosh Hongjoong hated (name)’s guts. Everything about the soloist made his blood boil.

Whys he such a good dancer? Why do he make amazing music? Whys he so fine? So talented? What and how? It’s unfair! And why does he think he can be such a bitch? (Whys he not on top of him?)

(Name) on the other hand, he LOVED teasing Hongjoong, gosh he loved how the older male was so much smaller than him, he loved his sharp teeth and his soft eyes that turned so cold at the sight of him. Hongjoong really tried to be tough in front of (name) but he never successfully managed to convince him.

It’s been 3 years now, or 4 if you count pre-debut. And Hongjoong and (name) were worse than ever before, especially after (name) found out about Hongjoong’s little.. secret..

How did it happen you may wonder? Well it’s not confirmed by Hongjoong but it’s obvious… the way his eyes widened at the degrading words, his body jolting forward almost like an impulse, his thigh switch? The way his tongue pressed into his cheek? It was all to obvious to (name).

Currently there was around 50+ artists at a big award show in Japan. Hongjoong and (idol name) was the highest voted producers and it was up to the judges to decide who would take the trophy home. (Name) knew how much Hongjoong wanted it… as the last three seconds were up and the judges had shouted…

“(Name)!! Congratulations on winning best producer 2nd year in a row!”

Hongjoong was fuming, he was so angry so he stormed off to the bathroom to calm himself but apparently he was gone just a little too long.

(If it’s not obvious, it’s from hj pov)

I heard the door to the bathroom go up, the faint music closing off in the distance, whoever that had come in the bathrooms had shoes that clacked harshly into the marble floor. Suddenly he called out.. my name?

“Hongjoong. I know you’re here~”

That fucking teasing voice. The harsh footsteps?jacket unzipping? Fuck it’s (name).

An: part two anyone? Sorry it’s shit😭 it’s about 6months old🤓

[olderthannetfic]

https://olderthannetfic.tumblr.com/post/741658589078388737/had-to-stand-in-front-of-the-bookstore-bookshelves#notes I know I could eg just borrow the book at the library (tho our library is absolute shit, and new books take about 6months to a year to get stocked up.) But yes it's a possibility. I could also open the book and do that lil random page read. I don't like doing that because I don't wanna bend the books if I don't like it. Hell, I could download most of these books online for free and then check it out that way and then buy it, or again, look it up on my phone to get the blurb.

But I just fucking miss the times as a young teen where I could go into a book store, pick up a book, read the back, and just know I could sit down on my way home or to wherever we were driving and read a book and enjoy myself for a few hours. Just do a quick run through of the book store, find my section, and get that book.

No I didn't always pick up the best books, but just that feeling of seeing all those books and knowing I could just pick it up, flip it over to the backside, and actually know in broad strokes what might welcome me was just a special feeling all on its own. Just going to a bookstore was almost like a small event for me, because it was such a rare occasion where I could find some books.

I feel a lot more stressed because of how every book comes with reviews on it instead of info about the book. I don't want to google a book just to know about what's gonna happen. It's just the feeling I hate.

--

[ramayantika]

Oh my god the amount of hate comments I see when there are reels about parents taking their babies to movies, parks etc is sickening

So there was this reel about a mother taking a 6month old baby to a ballet and I saw the baby girl's eyes light up. Yeah sure she won't remember shit but for godssake that's a core memory for the parents babies do have certain reactions to things even though they don't remember shit about the places they have been

And wtf is the usage of pet sperm, devil spawn, potato for a baby? "Delivered a pet sperm, go stay at home and throw away your life at it" Darling, you weren't even there at the show. Busy sitting and scrolling somewhere why are you getting mad.

I really hate how people complain and crib about crying babies in public. I have been there too. Don't you see some parents low key panicking especially mothers who have to travel alone on flights or trains? Not everyone can afford a damn nanny at home to take care of the baby so they can travel and that baby is theirs, it's their family they want to make memories with the kid.

I hate this generation. You don't want to have kids but leave babies and their parents alone. I have seen mothers almost wanting to cry when the baby isn't stopping his cry session and she helplessly looks around to see all these teens and grown ass adults glare at her and the baby. Rarely fo you get a person who helps her out.

[sam-the-pancake]

Saw a post talking about how you're never too young for a disability or illness or to need a mobility aid and we wanted to talk about our experiences. (It got longer than I was planning. I have more I could say but I managed to fuck up my thumb typing this on my phone and I know if I save this as a draft I'll forget it exists).

We were 8ish the first time we fainted. Nothing was thought of it or done. We fainted twice more between then and when we were 14 and fainted at summer camp. I have a feeling that if it hadn't happened at camp in front of a bunch of adults (who are mandated reporters) that my parents still wouldn't have done anything about it.

Following that time at camp our parents brought us to a bunch of doctors and had tests done. I don't remember much of it, but what I do remember is the neurologist. He was the last doctor we saw and he basically said "nothing's wrong just drink more water and electrolytes". So our mother started buying Gatorade and coconut water for us, but it didn't help much. It stopped it from being terrible, but it didn't make it completely better. By this point I was walking around the house with my vision fully blacking out every time I stood up to go to a different room.

When I was 16 the exercise intolerance was so bad that I couldn't work out anymore. I quit the rowing team that I had loved. I am almost certain that if I had been involved in a different sport that I would have had to quit sooner. I learned just a few years ago that rowing is an exercise that is more tolerable for exercise intolerance, like a recumbent bike. I got "lucky" in a way.

When I was 19? 20? and living alone at college I took matters into my own hands and told the nurse on campus (an amazing woman) that I believe I have EDS and POTS and want to see a specialist. She didn't really know about either disorder but she looked them up with me and decided to refer me to a cardiologist and a neurologist. In the few years since then they've both run many tests and found "nothing wrong". I convinced my cardiologist to send me for a tilt table test and of course that came back inconclusive.

When I was 21 I started using a cane anytime I left the house. I don't actually use it for balance but to reduce pressure on my lower joints when they're in pain, and day-to-day to reduce fatigue. If I don't use my cane I won't make it through the work day without my fatigue and back pain becoming crippling to the point that I can't sit up anymore.

In the last 6months I found an amazing GP who heard my story and decided to get shit done. She sent me to a physical therapist (also an amazing woman), got bloodwork to prescribe me various meds that are actually helping, got me on a waiting list to see an EDS specialist, and sent me to a sleep expert. At my most recent appointment I asked if we could talk about her possibly prescribing a wheelchair and she immediately said yes and wrote the script. Between her, my PT, and Gary the wheelchair guy from NuMotion's help I'm now waiting to hear if insurance is going to cover it.

I'm in my early 20's and I can't cut or mix my own food. I get home from my teaching job and I take a nap then eat the dinner my (also disabled) partner made, and then go to sleep for the night. I don't have a social life. I don't have the energy to do more than one thing in a day. Saturdays we do laundry and Sundays we grocery shop. That's what my weekend is. Sometimes if I have extra energy on a Saturday I can shower too. People don't talk about it much but struggling with personal hygiene is a major issue I have due to my disabilities. I started taking "cat baths" when I was less than 12 (washing the important bits with a washcloth while sitting on the toilet/floor). My sensory issues due to being autistic also affect this and make it hard for me to shower even when I do have the physical energy.

When I started physical therapy, my physical therapist asked what my goals are, long term or short term. I said I want to be able to shred my portion of chicken and mix it into the rice myself when we have dinner. My secret goal is to be able to do it for my partner as well so they can rest after cooking. I said my long term goal is to be able to rock climb again, but I understand that that might never be possible for me again.

I'm not even 25 and I'm mourning the loss of every interest I've ever had other than reading, and even holding a big book open is too much for my hands sometimes. I cannot live independently. I'm lucky that I have a low impact job that pays well enough for me to support myself and my partner. They can't work but they're able to take care of the housework and cooking and moving groceries and other necessities that I can't do myself. I try not to think about the future because I don't know what a progression of my disabilities would mean for our ability to live away from our abusers parents.

[250813soulmates]

My Life Review

Est: 2002-2011 Getting punished by my parents & beaten for every "wrongdoing" in my life & underperformance in school. Shit ton of unrequited love because I had no balls to interact with anyone. Extremely quiet/emo because I was too embarrassed to be myself; I'm weird. At some point, probably lower primary school I was molested by my cousin for a couple of months. No sexual knowledge and had no idea what was going on. Eventually, consciousness hit and I initiated a halt to everything. Games and anime were my only saving grace from those suffocating times.

2013: First exclusive date with a classmate (1.5yrs). Life was truly amazing.

2014: Got bullied in poly for a year because I was a slow learner and a dumb fuck at programming, but I eventually became relatively good at it & came in first for a prestigious competition that was even featured in the school's magazine.

2015: I lost my first love and fell into depression. Got dumped and I reacted extremely badly. Filled with anxiousness & hatred; spammed and judged and was so rude and emotional to her because of what she did to me. I was an extremely insecure & emotional person with no sense of logic.

2016: Took my emotions for a ride and competed in a physique competition. Lost with pride because I brought my best package amongst a group of druggies.

2015-2017: Living hell, depression, suicidal, self-harm. Think of the worst and i've either tried or at least thought about it. Wanted to be a "fuck boy" and started smoking, drinking, and clubbing and learning how to "have game" which i quickly quit (except smoking) because i wasn't being true to who i am.

Early 2017: Second date from tinder (6months). Dating app was never a good idea. Generally filled with either depressed or fucked up people. Congrats we're a match! But hey I've "learned my lessons" and in this relationship, as fucked up as she is, somehow i wasn't insecure at all. Life was great while it lasted.

Late 2017: Of course, it ended badly with third/fourth parties. Went through some details in my 2018 posts below. Fell into depression again. Didn't manage to solve my emotions. When shit went down, i blamed her and hated her like how i did in 2015. Life was miserable as i was in the military. 5 weekday of depression in camp and 2 weekend of unloading all my pain at home for almost a year.

Early 2018 (?): Can't remember which year exactly but at some point the "bad boy" version of me tried to go on more dates and at one point, hooked up with someone. I hated it. I thought being nice wasn't enough so I wanted to be different. I hated who I became and went back to my true self.

Mid 2018: Third love, still in the military. No surprise its from tinder again. Generally filled with either depressed or fucked up people once again. Trying to be co-dependent without first achieving self-love and self-worth. But of course, i can only say and realize this now - because it finally ended, after 5 years. But don't get me wrong, while it lasted, it was amazing going through all thick and thin together. I had complete control over my emotions and still held on to my ability to trust and be 100% secure in the relationship. Learned my lesson from the first two and this time I made plans and asked her to be my girlfriend. Unfortunately for her case, insecurity was a major trait alongside ADHD. This would lead to our eventual downfall.

Well, she was a player who hooked up with different people on a daily/weekly basis. An extremely carefree person who simply wants all the instant gratification she could get. I was potentially "just another guy" to her. This however does no dismiss the fact that she too has been through abuse and shit before.

Early 2019: Caught her nudes on her phone in some hidden telegram folder. I was overseas for 2 weeks for a military operation and during that time she used locanto to sell nudes to make quick cash (which i didn't know what was those photos for at that time). My initial feeling was shock and fear, but just as quickly i recomposed myself, approached her, and forgave her without a second thought or even questioning her. With tears & guilt in her eyes, I hugged her and told her everything would be ok. She thought that i would break up with her, but instead, i gave her a second chance and trust that through this, she would learn her lesson about how it is not worth the risk of losing someone like me. We moved on from here and was happy again.

July 2019: The one and only time but we didn't know better. I had no knowledge about the menstrual cycle and she told me it was safe during her most fertile period. 2 weeks later we were deciding between keeping or aborting. This was probably the toughest time i had to go through in my life. A potential life was at stake, but luckily the heart had yet to form. We negotiated and we weighed the pros and cons. Her motherly instincts were definitely there but we ended up choosing the latter option. I took responsibility and was there for her through every step of it and every procedure i could attend. With a few thousand in my bank, i depleted almost all of it because that was the least I could do as she bears the weight of going through this physical and mental turmoil. The stress we had to go through was insane.

What made it worse was that during this time i had to go for nasal and tonsil surgery. Things were going fine until I was discharged and had complications (5% chance of throat hemorrhage). Ended up being sent to ER thrice in 2 weeks. Each time blood would flow out constantly and choke me up. I had to ice my neck and constantly spit the blood out until the ambulance came. The third time it became so bad I spat out almost 500ml of blood and clots into the blood bag provided by the paramedics on the way to the hospital. This time tho, i was hospitalized for almost a week. Literally had diarrhoea 24/7 from the antibiotics to the point where even the nurses were annoyed. Was on IV drip diet, and I lost ALL my gains. The guilt i had to go through when i was supposed to be there for her, but now she had to constantly be here for me in the hospital is indescribable.

Sept 2019: Started my career as a personal trainer right after ORD. New environment, new structure, and with no idea of what to expect. Stayed with the company until the first circuit breaker of covid which resulted in them closing down. However, it ain't all sunshine and rainbows. I was mentored by a dictator who disciplined and scolded me worse than my parents. Treated like a dog holding my clipboard, paper, and pen, walking to lunch with him while asking questions and taking notes. Everything that had been asked or answered before, i wasn't allowed to ask again before i got a scolding for being dumb. Scolded for my lack of spatial awareness, lack of critical thinking, and being judged for every action i took on the gym floor. Vacuum, mopped, cleared the thrash, and cleaned the toilet, because i was new. Shouted at me and slammed weights on the gym floor once while everyone was around and training clients. Insane personal growth, tough love. Later do I know half the shit he taught was either false or an overcomplication of what was necessary; however the other half was gold.

Late 2019 - May 2022: Life was great with her. Had some ups and downs, but we were grateful for each other and tried to iron out our differences as much as we could.

Sept 2020 - May 2021: Life was great. Worked at a new gym, was respected, promoted and i worked my ass off to develop my skill as a trainer. I would even dare to say i was the best in-house trainer at that place. Had a few drama going on in the company and it did got very toxic. But i was able to steer clear of most of it. However, the gym eventually closed down due to circuit breaker 2. In which i had to find a new place again.

Some time around here i broke down once and probably changed my dad forever. Though he no longer beat me like before, the anger issues and attitude was still as bad. I could vividly remember what really happened. But he got mad and I had fucking enough of this shit. I shouted back at how harsh and shitty he's been, i sat down with my back against the wall and started smashing the back of my head against it countless times it until he ran over to stop me and calm the fuck down. Since then, he's been aware and really, much better.

July 2021: Joined a new gym opened by a friend of mine. Grateful for the opportunity with an arguably higher pay compared to before but damn well a better and premium work environment to further improve my skills as a trainer. Met amazing colleagues there too and got to know all sorts of clients ranging from MNC/SME/Start-up business owners, directors, doctors, lawyers, taitais, rich stay-at-home-moms, rich spoiled brats, traders, corporate workers, pilots to even the low-income ceiling ones trying their best to improve their life by using our service. Steep learning curve at the start, but no biggie.

Dec 2021 - May 2022: A good friend hooked me up with a shady investment. Gave great return and honestly till this day (Nov2023) it is still paying out at about 7% per month. But greed took over, and he introduced me to another one which was 15-20% per month. Naive and uneducated as i was, i Invested half my life savings into both platforms at that point. The latter one got shut down eventually and became an international case and MAS was also heavily involved with it. In order to recuperate my loss, i ventured into cryptocurrency and got myself into even more shady investment schemes, and at one point, i even recruited a whole family tree of people online (10 over investors) to be under my name and got their commissions. I was highballing and reinvesting the gains, rarely ever withdrawing. 3/4 way through my recuperation, I got scammed by a fake admin and lost 80%. With 20% left, the way back up was long, stressful and tedious. Soon after, the platform rug pulled but luckily i was able to withdraw whatever i had left into my crypto wallet. Once again i ventured into many other platforms until one day I got destroyed by a bitcoin pyramid scheme and lost everything again. Withdrew back everything from my first platform due to fear into my fiat bank (DBS).

All or nothing. Sometime after, i got to know someone online, and as stupid as it sounds, i trusted "her" and to cut it short, invested my entire bank account into it. Bit by bit, more and more. I lost close to 6-digits. Platform admin needed me to "pay tax for withdrawal" and "someone reported my account so i needed to top up the balance to prove that i wasn't laundering money" At that point, a few thousand meant nothing and i was too blinded to pull back. Borrowed 2k from my love and 3k from a friend i once lend some money to as a return of favour. Topping my with the last 5k in my bank, needless to say, i lost it all once again. But she was still there for me, being my greatest supporter. Which i will forever be grateful for.

To be clear, this stranger/scammer that i built a friendship with, I made it clear to "her" that i have a girlfriend and that nothing will go on between us. I was in it for the money. Maybe "she" if its even a "she" had other intentions, it was not for me to care about.

And why did i even attempt to try all these? Because she didn't have a plan or a job. I felt the need to be the breadwinner and make her a taitai. I thought only the brave could take the risk and reap the rewards. I wanted to get rich quick and make our life better. I risked it all and lost it all.

May 2022 - Oct 2023: Bankrupted, but i wasn't depressed. I was calmed and composed. I accepted reality as it is and immediately took action to draft out a plan on what i should do moving forward. Stay away from ALL investments and work honestly on my day job until the day i recuperate everything back. Be extremely thrifty and only spend on necessities. I became so hyper focused on money that our relationship took the hit. Well, she tried to be understanding and never once complained. I thought everything was fine and this was simply a phase of downturn. September 2023, I officially recovered all my losses. I felt a great sense of relief and freedom. With a clear mind, I finally start putting in more effort into the relationship and also started to plan on marriage and housing. "I made her wait long enough" I told myself. "Next year i'll have to propose" I told myself. 17th October 2023, we celebrated our 5th anniversary. Everything seemed fine.

25th October 2023: I received a text for a break from the relationship. My heart sank. I knew what was coming. I knew she went out herself to calm her mind and will be back anytime soon. 10:15pm, i stood on the void deck, outside her lift without letting her know until she finally return at 11:20pm. She couldn't look at me in the eye and asked me to go home. I didn't want to be possessive and toxic so I allowed her to head back without stopping verbally/physically. She left me in front of my eyes. Should I have pulled her back? Would anything I say at that point help to change her mind? I will never know the answer. But I know that the reason why i did not act was due to my past 2 relationships. Both ended with me trying so hard to get them back and being all emotional. I didn't want history to repeat itself.

I sat down somewhere trying to process what had just happened. I couldn't. My mind went blank. I texted and ask if I could talk to her, to see her, to stay the night. "Go home" she texted me. "Don't push my buttons". "Go home, don't make me repeat myself". "Take bus home".

My mind was blank. My vision was blurred. Hyperventilating. I knew the bus stop was just a street away yet no matter how i walked, i couldn't find it. Took a few steps in every direction and each time i stop, i didn't know where i was.

25th-29th October: A couple of back and forth texting with me explaining how we could still make it work. How it's not worth ending our 5 years of memories. How we all deserve another chance. How the lessons we learned could have been applied to us again, instead of starting from ground zero with someone new. No hatred, no emotional and reckless talking like I did before. But maybe my sin was too great for her to handle.

"the stranger who scammed you, why was her photo in your deleted album and you answered with your story, i lost trust in you" Why should I keep a selfie of a stranger in my photo album and why are you checking my phone this deeply when you know clearly how much i respect my personal space? You didn't even trust in me since day 1. Yet I was the complete opposite trusting you a 100% even after what you did.

"you changed your phone password and that made things worse. If I could turn back in time, I would have told you how upset I am every single time life comes and hit us w something and we have to delay our plans for the future. How scared I am once my career stabilises, and yours get rocky again. And we have to restart the whole process. I wish I could have told you how much I don't trust you, how much I miss the old us, how much I missed being happy, instead of just being contented"

"I've given you chances and chances again. I always asked you out, but I know you're too tired. So I stopped asking you out and spend time w u at home instead. I know you're too tired, I know what I want; but I don't even dare to ask you out."

"I hate that I love you so much, but I doubt we have a future together. I don't know if I can trust you that you'll start putting effort into this rs. Ever since your incident last year, I've been patient."

"I've been hurt so many times, yet I just kept quiet. When you went out with Marcus (my best friend of 10years which we meet only once or twice a year) I realised how lonely I am without you. I don't want to depend on you for happiness anymore. I need to find it within myself. To fill the void you weren't able to."

"I hate that I know you've been working hard for us. I hate that I don't know if I can see a future w you bc I just have so much doubts. I hate that this has caused me so much pain too"

The old us had no troubles. The old us had all the time in the world to date and be stress free. The me after bankruptcy was fighting for our future. She talk about doubting our future when I was there fighting for it in the present.

I said "If you see yourself 50 years with me then you'll realise you won't have 50 years of the same thing & perhaps this is just 1/50 phase of the relationship" in which she replied "When you're saying all these, do you ever pause and admire the moment? Live in the present?"

So was it our possible future or the present that she was unhappy with? My present had a fuck ton of stress. Crazy workload while dealing with the financial loss and the delay of our future. Was it my fault that i wasn't strong enough to stay active and happy and "live in the moment"? Or was her insecurity and the need for instant gratification the root of our downfall? I asked myself this and I realised that it doesn't matter. There's no need for closure.

She'll be happier without me now and i'm proud that she knows what she want. She's finally heading towards a good career and she's learning to love herself, which is ever so important. Nobody is perfect and each of us are always in the journey of healing. With this, she gave me a new dumped-experience to heal myself from too.

29th October 2023: "I can't ever go back to "us" anymore. I hope you can respect that and let's move onto the next phase of life." She said. This was it. I was sad, but i wasn't depressed. I gave her a few final text to ensure she's certain. I listed out the good and the bad of us. I apologized for my shortcomings and mentioned how grateful am I to have her in my life. I thank her for giving us this opportunity to heal and grow ourselves. Life goes on.

On the same day, i broke down in front of my mother as i spilled the beans and revealed the details. This brought me and my family together, closer than ever before. For the first time, i became vulnerable in front of her.

30th October 2023 - 26th November 2023 (present) : No contact has started and I began my personal healing journey. I left no regrets and accepted life as it is. I've been through too much in life to dread over spilled milk. Everything happens for a reason and with every obstacle, i grew stronger. This is my opportunity for linear growth and I have to take advantage of it. I know i needed to love myself and i know i need to be happy enough as an individual before i jump into another relationship like a dumb dumb again. I know my self worth and i know how loyal, genuine, patient, kind, honest, forgiving, respectful, grateful for every little thing, driven, weird, eccentric, funny and playful i am.

I am not a cheater, i hate letting people down. I strive to work hard but also to live a balance life. I know what i want and i know that whoever that steps into my life next needs to also be a happy enough individual with similar enough mindset as i have. Being into fitness is definitely a huge bonus too since fitness is literally my life. I know that this time it'll be someone i meet in real life and not from dating apps. I know the law of attraction and i know that as long as i continue working on myself, the right one will come one day even without me chasing for it.

Chasing brings the excitement of challenges that'll die along with it once you obtain it. Chasing is a sign of lack of self respect. It needs to come from mutual investment, or move on.

Meanwhile, i'll continue to upgrade my fitness knowledge, explore more into cooking and singing. Take care of myself by dressing better, getting a few more trims and get some skin care routine going on. Spend more time with friends and family which i've neglected my whole life. I'll live my best life knowing that storms will still come ever once in a while. I'll identify and accept those negative feelings. I'll go into a space of observational awareness while waiting for the storm to pass, then jump right back into the path of never ending healing of life again.

In only 26 years i'm glad to have been through most of life's grieves and have the emotional maturity to take on whatever that's yet to come. My only uncertainty to how i'll react is the loss of health which may interrupt/inhibit my training/nutrition routine or the loss of health/life of my parents (no details but my dad's memory has been getting worse rapidly over the past 2 years). But when the time comes, which it will. I have full faith in my future self that i'll be able to handle it.

This is all for now. It's time to be positive. Looking through all my older posts since 2015, I'm fucking proud of where i'm at now & i'm sure my future self will be fucking proud of me taking this step today too.

Hello J from god knows if tumblr will still be around. 5 years? 10 years? Look at me and be glad i've yet to throw my life away and give up. Because of my decision today, you get to be who you are now. BLEH.

[goblinselfshippr]

Thinking about the hc I saw like 6months ago about demonius being some kind of holy water beverage(which is why it gets demons drunk and angels high)

I wash my sheets with like a cap full of Florida Water (which is like a cologne that keeps bad shit away, most people would use it sort of like holy water) and it straight up fumigates my house. So poor Simeon would come home and basically think I hotboxed the entire fcking house (meanwhile it may or may not have adverse effects on my poor familials that are almost entirely demons lmfao)

[krpgossipgirl]

as someone who was in infinitetourhq i think the anons are both right and wrong! i was in the group for a good bit before leaving for personal reasons in my real life and honestly all the muns are extremely nice, but all very cautious. a mun (who i also don’t think is there anymore) told me that group has had some really extremely triggering people blow through in the past. and i have even experienced multiple people coming in and posting intros and sending messages to plot and then never responding again, and i was only in there for a few months. i understand everyone wants a warm welcome but i guess taking everything into consideration? i do agree they needs to a bit of structure and maybe that’s why it was hard for me to maintain the group while dealing with real life but, over all the muns are v very nice and accepting. it’s hard to assimilate to almost all long running pre established groups when people have had plots for 6months to a year. the admin there does need to be a bit more stern as things seem to slide a lot. but all an all they’re not as cold and icy as people in these asks are making them out to be. sometimes people really do need to look at their approach in rp over all before shit talking a mass group of individual people?1/4 people joining every week feeling icy and “boxed” out probably means they’re at least HALF of the problem as well (and this includes myself) as i’ve noticed they’ve gotten an influx of new muses and muns which means they’re probably not all bad and ship chase-y are they? not to mention i’ve never once was pitched a ship idea or pushed for ships? so i’m not sure where the shipping rhetoric is coming from, but just bc it didn’t happen to me doesn’t mean it didn’t happen to someone else so i won’t speak on it but. i do agree with the claims stuff it was confusing and not really understood and the admin seemed like they were doing their best to keep a laid back fun environment which is coming off as lacksidasical, whether that’s a personality thing or not who knows and there most def should be an explanation SOMEWHERE about how claims work and who has what that stays updated.

[avoecs]

Honestly? I’d watch the world go up in flames if it meant getting what I want.

[viciousfox]

recovery sux

[pumpkinmutual]

.

[rebelwrites]

I Want Everything 

Jax Teller x Reader

Jax squinted at his phone screen due to the brightness, it was currently 2am, he couldn’t sleep, your smile and laugh etched in his brain for the rest of eternity. All he could think about was the idea of you and him. Scrolling through his camera roll, a smile formed on his lips of the pictures of you both, to say he was the president of Samcro he didn’t have the balls or courage to confess his true feelings.

Finally after another hour he dozed off but it wasn’t long before his alarm woke him again.

- - -

Parking his bike, he strolled into the clubhouse instantly met by confused looks of the other sons.

“You look like shit boss” Happy smirked

“Didn’t get much sleep” he shrugged, pouring himself a large mug of coffee.

“Getting laid?” Tig smirked

“Brain wouldn’t shut off” he mumbled as he glanced outside just as you pulled up.

“Just tell the lass” Chibs smirked, slapping his hand down on Jax’s shoulder.

“Why can’t I stop thinking about her?” He asked sipping his coffee

“Because Jackie Boy Ye are in love” Chibs smiled like a proud father “so stop listening to that brain and follow the heart”

Jax didn’t reply, it was like his breath was caught in his throat as you walked through the doors. Your outfit was simple, a pair of denim shorts, a Samcro shirt that you had tied at the waist, your hair was braided yet to Jax you looked stunning.

“Morning losers” you hollered letting the door slam behind you as you made your way to the coffee machine, you felt Jax’s gaze on you the whole time and it felt like your heart was beating out of your chest “Teller your staring again”

“Urg” Jax grunted “Nah I wasn’t just zoned out looking in that direction”

Chibs saw the slight frown that flashed across your face, it was in that moment he realised that you both had feelings for each other. Yet neither one of you had the courage to make the first move.

“We haven’t got much booked in today” you nodded as the caffeine hit your soul making you sigh with happiness “so i was thinking of working on my bike today if that’s cool with you lot”

“Yeah that’s fine darlin’ give me a shout if you need a hand” Jax smiled before heading into the chapel. As soon as the doors closed behind him, he ran his hands through his hair sighing.

He was driving himself crazy, you never left his thoughts, he got jealous of every guy you dated or anyone that got too close to you.

The day went on and Jax was now helping you fix your bike, it was a total wreck from you coming off the road 6months ago when you had to swerve due to a car jumping the lights, leaving you with a 4 inch scar on your arm.

Every so often you and Jax touched causing your heart to skip a beat and butterflies in your stomach. You were humming along to the radio when you heard Jax sigh, looking over your shoulder at him you saw him run his hands over his face.

“You okay?” You asked standing up, what you didn’t expect was him to close the gap between you taking your hand in his.

“Goddamn it! Why do you have this affect on me” he said looking into your eyes “your like an addiction that I never want to kick”

“Jax what are you on about?” You whispered slightly confused about what was happening. “Did you hit your head or something?”

“I kinda…sorta…maybe…well actually do…like you way more than I originally planned” he mumbled, stumbling over his words.

“Wait what?” You asked in disbelief hoping this wasn’t some cruel joke.

“I have completely fallen for you” he whispered “everything you do, everything you say, everything you are. You’re my first thought in the morning, you’re my last thought before I fall asleep and you’re almost everything in between. Y/N I’m so in love with you it hurts”

“You’re in love with me?” You asked chewing the inside of your cheek as your heart was beating so fast.

There was no backing down now his feelings were in the open.

“Yes darlin I have been for a while now” he whispered running his hand along your cheek “I just want you, that’s all. All your flaws, mistakes, smiles, giggles, jokes, sarcasm. I want everything”

It took you a couple of minutes but your brain finally caught up, Jax Teller the guy you had a crush one since you moved to charming was in love with you.

“If you don’t feel the same that’s-“

“Would you just shut up and kiss me already.” You smirked biting down on your bottom lip, instantly he let go of your hand, placing it round your waist pulling you as close to him as physically possible.

Sparks ran through your body as his lips connected with yours, you had dreamt of this moment many times and it was even better than you dreamt. Tangling your hands in his hair as his tongue explored your mouth. However you pulled away when you heard cheering and whistling, resting your forehead against Jax’s, your grin was wide as you spoke.

“Well that was unexpected” you giggled.

“How about we get out of here” he whispered his lips grazing yours as he smirked “I know this cute little diner that serves the best pancakes, my treat”

“I’d be stupid to say no”

[break-dancing-spaghetti]

I don’t normally do this and feel like shit for asking, but desperate times call for desperate measures. If my husband and I don’t come up with 5k to cover half the charges we owe on our home, 10k to fully be caught up, our mortgage company is going to foreclose our home.

My husband was fired from his career, dream job right after we got our home almost 3years ago and has been working any other jobs he can get to try and make payments. Some places won’t hire him cz he’s “overqualified” and just when we start to get back on our feet he’s been laid off, “due to Covid” is always the excuse… he’s just started a new job but the mortgage company says we have to pay $5,000 usd to stop them from foreclosing by October. We’ve kept in contact with them to tell them everything that’s going on and made what payments we could, honestly we’ve only missed 6months total in the 3years we’ve been struggling. They said some months could be put on back pay until recently. I’ve done what I can, but was laid off a minimum wage job that was just keeping little bills/utilities paid. I have medical problems that make it hard to find a new job, a heart condition and depression that makes most things very hard to do I am now 7months pregnant to top it off (which exasperates the heart condition). As of now we won’t be able to pay utilities or get our dogs their food until we can work this out. We have 3 fur babies we both adore, my service dog who is getting ready to retire, my service dog in training, and my husband’s love bug of a pup. If anyone could help even if it’s just help get dog food so our fur babies don’t starve it would mean so much to me and my husband.

Here’s my cash app: $iloikfood

Here’s a gofundme link too:

https://gofund.me/9fdad23e

[yoiku]

Some ramblings about depression, medication and whatnot. Positive overall tho there are some trigger warnings!

So last november I dragged my ass to the on-duty clinic because boy was I feeling suicidal, enough to be sent to urgent care unit, which was new. There I actually got a psychiatrist and a psych nurse who I would work with me the entire time. For the first time in the 3,5years I've been trying out antidepressants and having to meet with an entirely new doctor almost every time, I finally had a person who -kept- my case, who I could contact in need. I'd also meet them every week/every other week depending on how i'm feeling. What a fucking difference that has made. I haven't had to start from the beginning every goddamn time i go in, and get a different doctor's opinion each time. Also the psychiatrist at urgent care was the first medical professional who has just flat out gone: "You haven't been able to sleep properly since you were a teenager, which is also when your depression kicked in? Well, there's the reason, and we'll need to work together to see what options would work for you." Until now my sleeping problems have always just been a "lifestyle choice" and I've simply been told to fix it myself and I'd start feeling much better :)

Also she saw that I've been in the queue for adhd/add evaluation and tests for 6months and asked straight away why haven't I been prescribed Bupropion, since it's an antidepressant but also works the same way that adhd medications do, it's just like a lighter version more or less. So she put me on that, and for the first month, nothign really happened. Then she maxed the dose saying if that won't work in a month or two then we gotta look for other options.

Well, 3 weeks after that stuff started to happen. After about 7months of not being able to really even draw anything, not feeling any motivation for anything I usually enjoyed, really, I just somehow got a really frustrated feeling about not doing anything productive or fun. Dusted off my tablet and started drawing. Mehhh felt like shit everything looked like shit. The next day though, looked back at the stuff and yeah, it still looked liked shit, but the feeling of having done something creative was suddenly immense. Like wtf is this feeling of... satisfaction?

So I picked up the pen again and just kept going. That was uhhh.. a month ago now? And I'm still fucking going. I've had 2 days in the last 30 or so where I've actually just had to stay in bed and recharge after several days of 12-18 hours of drawing or WRITING, which is something I've never been able to start, suddenly that wasn't a big deal to start off either. Wtf. I'm drafting a comic, another thing I've never been able to start because I've felt too shit about it/myself beforehand. Again, wtf?

I've also started to talk more, which actually weirds me out. I'm used to being way too anxious to actually initiate conversations, or got stuck on worrying myself into an anxiety attack about entirely useless/stupid things. I feel generally way less stressed somehow? Like it's not like "it's all gone I'm no longer mentally ill", but parts of my anxiety have lessened to a degree that makes me uncomfortably comfortable, if that makes any fucking sense?

While I know it's entirely dumb to think about what could've been, recently I can't help but think that man, what would've my life been like if I'd gotten this sort of care and/or meds... Say when I was 25? or 20? or 15? Would I actually been able to get through school instead of dropping out from 5 different colleges? Would I've been able to land a job for more than a month because I would've not been too anxious to do any level of socializing? Maybe not. But maybe some things could've been better.

Better late than never I guess. I'm experiencing things and drive at 33 that I haven't experienced... Since I was a kid, really? Wtf.

ngl at this point I'll be really surprised if I don't get diagnosed with adhd/add once I get into the eval. and tests sometime this year hopefully...