#alliwantforchristmasispurse

[itspurse-blog]

Single bells, single bells: Purse rules

Single bells single bells, it’s that time of the year again. You gotta buy presents with money you don’t have, you gotta eat food your fake diet doesn’t digest and you gonna have to tell everyone that you’re STILL single. I could bet my whole beautycase on it that this Christmas holiday stuff was not invented by a homosexual single guy. 

SO you sit here watching these unpretty times unfold on your wall&feed like presents and you think: All I want for Christmas is a huge Big Fat Long Enormous uncut Monster

ARM!

So I can take better selfies of myself so I can date hotter Instagram guys with more followers then me. But let’s not get too excited too quickly. Purse first, second things second and third things turd.

Here are some great tips to survive the Christmas nightmare without spending a dime:

Purse rule no. 1: Buy yourself a beautiful Purse. Christmas without a Purse is no Christmas at all. What? You have no money? Not even for a Purse? Steal one! It’s our secret.. Victoria’s secret. Sshhhtt

 Presents: If you give, you receive. That’s a life lesson, not a sex lesson you perv. People wanna feel loved and also wanna see that love materialized. You should use this against them. “I know you know how much cash I stash & I know you know how I don’t know what to buy for a wonderful person like you with all that money I got in my bank account & I know you know you love me & I know you know I love you too & I know you know you don’t need to see that love materialized in meaningless objects to know it’s deep and pure and true love & I know you know this is the biggest gift someone can give you & I know you know I don’t need gifts to prove something to you & I know you know I give you gifts in other ways along the year, not when capitalism tells me to” & so on and so on and so on SUCKERS!

Food: If Purse leaves the party, Purse must be filled with good food! No really, I mean it. PUT THAT FOOD IN YOUR PURSE, go home, put your Purse in the fridge, invite your crush or any bitch that thinks you’re a lousy cook, microwave the shit out of that meal, meanwhile think about all the details how the real cook prepared this meal, make it cozy, put an apron on (isn’t it nice to be gay) and let the good food make the good mood.

Making conversation: I am sure it is scientifically proven that Christmas conversations are in the top 10 of worst conversations you have in a year. Normally all you wanna do is talk about yourself and how crazy and great you are and your life is, but suddenly some family members or friends really know how to ask the wrong questions at the wrong moment. Normally you can just fake your way out of these questions, but the problem is everyone is reunited and together they know more about you and your little lies then you think. The trick is; buy a fierce Purse (or steal one, see tip 1), it distracts them, and make the rule that only he who has Purse can talk.  I mean have you ever listened to a person without a Purse before? ‘People without Purses are here in this world to discriminate’ said the God of all Purses once (but don’t take it too literal, it’s free interpretation).

Sing-a-longs: Christmas is also about singing songs together. But all you remember from your Playstation Singstar is how to produce a barf that is in tune. Nothing wrong with being tone-deaf, just very uncomfortable. You already told everybody you’re an upcoming popstar, soon to be discover worldwide. And think about your credibility! Just drink hot thea with honey, honey ). Tell everyone about your voice problems (some coughing in their faces always helps), you can’t talk, can’t sing, only when you have to. Singers always have voice problems. Life is hard for a popstar, you know, even with autotune.

Christmas Tree: Instead of buying an expensive Christmas tree you can’t afford (and also you don’t even like Christmas trees because they constantly remind you about Christmas), just put some lights on any plant or cactus you have and tell everyone it’s very arty. Tell them you once saw it in a very expensive Italian home decoration magazine they probably won’t know the name of because they are not Italian. (Note: if by any chance these random people are Italian, then change it! Change it to the Christmas Island, that sounds very Christmas and yes this place exists, but we don’t even wanna imagine what hell it must be to decorate your home in a country named Christmas Island…)

 Hobo’s: All these problems in the world but nothing as bad as your first purse world problems. Nevertheless Christmas is here to tell you to be empathic and warm and loving and all the other feelings you have been trying to avoid your whole life. Not everyone has the possibility to have your lifestyle… that you steal from an internet blog… written by a Purse… Maybe you could offer for once a free bed to a hobo instead of a homo (Yes, you read it well, let this sentence drop in slowly and think about it, then read it again and think about it harder). Give the hobo a laptop with only this internet blog to read, go sit in a corner, get incognito next to your Christmas tree cactus and see how the power of Purse works. Your good deed of the year is done. Thank me later, homo.

 Drunk: Yep I knew you would, you old drunk, this one is for all of us. You blew everything on this list, Christmas was a nightmare and all you can think of is how to avoid everyone and everything by drinking booze around the clock. It’s okayyy, I understand… and we have a new chance next year, and the year after and so on and so on, Jesus how many Christmasses are there in a lifetime? Does it stop when we die? Gimme a break and take the boozebottle with you home, you will need it when you see your failed Christmass tree (see previous tip, smartypants). If you really feel sick of drinking and have to vomit it all out, you know Purse is there for you, yes, even on Christmas, always working, that’s what I do, #nevernotworking. Go on, vomit all your frustrations about Christmas and your fake fabulous life in me, they can use some make-up anyways. Don’t feel guilty, I will forgive you, but only because it’s Christmass, you LGBTQIA.

Have a blast!

I know you know I love you

Xoxo

Purse