#all this coming from the person who told me my femme identity is reductive

[lavender-femme]

.

[emilybrontesghost]

So for the past few years I’ve really been thinking about femininity as well as engaging with it more intentionally. This is something that has been a more recent occurrence for me, and as more time goes on my belief that it is directly correlated to realizing my queer identity has become even more cemented. “Femme” as an identity has likewise become one that really resonates with the person I have become. I know a lot of people have very strong (and also conflicting) definitions of what a “femme” is and who gets to call themselves one. I also know that many queer women are concerned that straight women are co-opting the label of “femme” for their own use and I agree with them that it is problematic. It is also reductive to equate the identity of “femme” as being interchangeable with “feminine.” Femme is more than just a word that denotes femininity of presentation. This might just seem like a matter of semantics to a lot of people but there are more connotations attached to “femme” than simply appearing to conform to society’s ideals of femininity. (The key word here being “seeming.”) And this is where I think the concern comes into play from queer women when straight women start using the word “femme” to apply to themselves. This is because there is an essential difference between straight women and queer women, and that is that straight women fit the paradigm of femininity as defined by our heteropatriarchal society in a way that it is impossible for queer women to do. No matter how feminine a queer woman presents she is still inherently an outlaw, a subversive transgressor to larger society because her femininity is not performative for the benefit of men. Queer women do not center men or their attractions in the way that straight women do. “Femme” then is a distinctive moniker that is separate from just being feminine in appearance. Of course all of this is something I have learned through my exploration of queer studies, it isn’t something I have always known or been aware of, but it really has been a tremendous help to me in terms of recovering and healing my relationship with femininity.

For many years I rejected aspects of femininity because it made me uncomfortable. To me it felt like a performance that I didn’t want to participate in but on some level I was expected to by men and by adults and society at large. I was also fed seemingly contradictory messages on what was and what was not acceptable in terms of being feminine but also what the acceptable amount of femininity to display was and in what circumstances. Femininity seemed like something which other people decided the parameters of, not me. In the same breath I was being sent the message that I should take care of my appearance, I was also being told that I shouldn’t be too high maintenance. It’s not hard to see why all of this felt like a trap. It seemed like a game that was rigged for failure and asked so much of me and then gave nothing in return. Is it any wonder it felt like something to run from? And so run I did. When I was a child femininity had been a source of joy. It was princess dresses and Barbie dolls and tea parties. There was a certain innocence to girlhood because it was femininity, if not entirely devoid of societal expectations, with at least fewer of them. It started to get worse as I got older because adults start expecting things of young women they don’t of children, so the older I got the more I rejected feminine things other girls my age were doing and by extension the types of girls who did those things. I am ashamed to say that I bought into the “not like other girls” narrative and the “pick me narrative.” I thought I deserved a pat on the back for being “cool” for not wearing heels or makeup because I didn’t engage in feminine hobbies or forms of dress in the way other girls did, and when I did have to do it, it was with a begrudging sense of obligation coupled with embarrassment. I was so uncomfortable with myself and I thought it was because I just wasn’t a feminine person and that I just didn’t fit in with girls who were. I also hated how I felt like femininity was expected of me by men, and that to be attractive to them I would be expected to look a certain way. I didn’t like the idea of men viewing me as feminine because it made me feel lesser. I also really had developed a dislike to how feminine looking my body had become as I got older. Curves were popping up all over my once skinny childlike body and by the time I hit puberty my body had started taking on a very different shape and I started to resent it. I wasn’t really comfortable with the idea of men liking my body. I had trouble believing anyone could like my body because I didn’t even like it myself. This went on through my teens until I was in my early twenties.

I got into my first wlw relationship at the age of 21. I’d been questioning my sexuality and I wanted to see if I was as straight as I’d always assumed I was. I met my first gf online and that relationship really taught me a lot about myself. For the first time ever I didn’t feel any sense of embarrassment about my womanhood. I had never felt so understood on an intimate level. My gf and I could talk about everything and shared experiences that I just simply wouldn’t have been able to with a man. We could stay up late into the night talking about everything from body insecurities, to bras, to period cramps. These were things that so many women are made to feel ashamed of but with her it was easy because I knew she wasn’t going to judge me. I started to appreciate aspects of my body because she enjoyed them in ways that I never had before. It was empowering and it didn’t feel like I was being fetishized. I feel so much more comfortable now in dresses and skirts and ribbons and things that before I felt a lingering self-consciousness for liking or the sense I was doing it for other people’s benefit. I also feel more comfortable with my identity as a woman, separate from my presentation. I don’t feel I have to make myself small or diminish my unique experiences as a female person. Identifying as femme and embracing my wlw identity has helped me eliminate my internalized misogyny and be proud of being a woman and enjoying things associated with women. I love being a woman who loves women and getting to finally feel that I can be feminine without feeling like it’s for male consumption. I love being femme!

[rainandchamomiletea]

Hello tumblr lovelies, I could use a place to vent a little bit and get some support for my gender identity right now, so I’ve come here to the blog that lets me do all that. As many of you perhaps already know from reading my bio and from the myriad of things I post, I identify as nonbinary and genderfluid but am not really out to a lot of people in my everyday life for a variety of reasons. 

That being said, I generally blow things out of proportion, but here’s a story and some thoughts I had anyway. 

I was recently told that I am a lady in a situation where I do not believe the person who said this statement meant me any animosity (note: I did not wish to out myself as trans in this particular conversation). It just kind of hurt having myself squashed down into one little box that by no means encompasses my entire gender identity. I don’t know why this affected me so greatly since I have definitely been told far worse in situations that were explicitly meant to be malicious. And it’s not exactly like the statement “you are a lady” is entirely false in its application to myself. I do identify as a woman on some occasions, but I also identify as a man, or somewhere in-between genders, or even outside of gender entirely--that’s the beauty of my identity as a nonbinary and genderfluid individual. I am a woman, but I am also so much more than that reduction of categories implies.

I can feel very confident in my identity at times, but sometimes there are these little moments where I don’t feel like I am doing enough to claim my identity as my own. I present very femme in my everyday appearance, and other people’s assumptions about myself make me feel inadequate and doubtful about myself. 

I don't really know if there is a moral to this story (unless it’s that I would feel more comfortable being a simple potato than an actual human person). I just needed a place to spill all of my feelings when I go on these whole ass mini-meta-spirals.

Finally, shout out to all of my wonderful trans folx out there! Keep being you! <3