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ficforce · 4 years ago

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NSFW Alphabet Extended

Joker/52 x Female Reader NSFW / Mentions of past abuse No established timeline Established relationship

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

“Uh, JJ?” Y/N watched the man practically run out of the room not even a minute after they had both finished up. Had she said or done something? Y/N pulled the blanket up to her chest after sitting up and worried that he wasn’t going to come back… This wasn’t the first time he’d done something strange after they had had sex but it was the first time he’d left; she brought her knees up and couldn’t help the tears that were threatening to spill out of her eyes. “I got water, alcohol, juice and I put the kettle on in case you want something hot, I also grabbed some snacks in case you were hungry - oh and I grabbed some body wipes too!” Joker had piled everything he had mentioned onto a tray and brought it to the side of the bed, placing everything down before then grinning at her like he had done something really innovative. The grin dropped quickly as he noticed her watery eyes and the slight quiver of her lip. The man sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her into a hug, holding her tight in his slight panic, “What did I do? Did I hurt you? Did I push you?” Joker had had a shitty childhood that had followed into his young adult life, he remembered all the times he was forced to do something or it was forced on him, he remembered being left cold and in pain with no-one giving two shits; it terrified him that he might have inflicted the same kind of pain on her. “I’m sorry, Y/N.” Y/N pushed against him just enough to be able to look at his worried face, “You didn’t do anything… I definitely wanted that but it’s just… you left, right after and…” she realised now he had run out to get her food and drink, things to take care of her if she needed it. He had asked her last time about aftercare and how he wasn’t sure how to best provide it for her. She had told him that a bottle of water might be appreciated and hadn’t expected him to take it so far as snacks. “I thought you’d just left me.” “No way,” he kissed her cheeks as he squished her face a little between his hands, “Now, you want water, juice, vodka or tea?” The man was completely oblivious as to his awkward after sex etiquette.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

‘They’re like stilts.” Joker chuckled as she poked at his leg, “I like being taller than everyone else.” He likes his legs; he liked that he could move ridiculously fast, that he was flexible and able to kick someone in the face without having to get too close. “You love it when I lean over you like a big creep.” “That’s because I love creeps, apparently.” Y/N grabbed the collar of his top and pulled him down for a kiss, “What do you love about me? Physically?” “Hmm,” Joker gave it a little thought, straightening back up and lighting another cigarette, “Physically… that’s a tricky one. What do I love about my queen of hearts?” He liked everything, it was hard to pick just one thing; he turned his grin on her all of a sudden and smacked her backside, “I like your ass.”

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Running his fingertips through the cum leaking out of his lover, Joker slowly pushed it back inside her entrance, gently fingering her and relishing in the wet, warm feeling of her freshly fucked hole. “T-thats gross…” Y/N blushed and looked away from his fascinated expression. “I think it’s pretty.” He brought his fingers up to his mouth and sucked them clean, “We’re all mixed together, impossible to separate.” Only he could make something like this sound almost romantic.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Y/N watched as Joker played with his deck of cards, shuffling them more expertly than any dealer in the big casinos, he then began to hum as he set out a game of solitaire. Sometimes he snuck into her apartment just to be there with her; it wasn’t always a booty call. There was something she noticed when he opened a brand new pack of cards though, something she wasn’t sure he was entirely conscious of doing. The long haired man would always pull out and burn one of the cards to ash before replacing it with the joker card. Last time Y/N had mentioned it he had packed everything up and told her he had business to attend to before leaving.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

“What’s this thing?” Y/N looked over at him from where she was putting away her clothes, her cheeks became a little warm as she saw he was playing with a vibrating cock ring. “It goes at the base of your dick… makes you last longer and the vibration gives me a little something when you push all the way in.” Joker snorted at it and tossed it back in the draw. He was sat cross legged on her bed in nothing but a towel and hair turban to keep him from getting the pillows damp; of course he had to snoop around in her bedside table whilst she was busy. “Why would someone need to last longer, you’d get sore, right? And why the hell aren’t they paying attention to your clit personally?’ He made little circular motions with his thumbs, “That’s just lazy, Y/N.” She often wondered how someone so tall and sexy could be so inexperienced, sure, he was a little odd but women should have been throwing themselves at him. “I’ll show you later, okay.”

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Joker liked all kinds of positions, he especially liked when Y/N was on top. So when she suggested reverse cowgirl he was curious and eagerly agreed to trying it out. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like any position where he couldn’t see her face; it made him uncomfortable and it didn’t feel as good as he knew it should. His hands fell onto her hips and applied a little pressure to slow her down to a stop, “T-turn back around.” He panted out and when she did as he asked, Joker felt better, he thrust up into her more eagerly than before and his purple eye watched her expressions as they headed toward orgasm. Afterwards, as they lay in a heap of sweaty limbs, Y/N kissed his jaw and asked him if it was the angle he hadn’t liked, he shook his head and told her that it just felt better if he knew she was enjoying it.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

“JJ, stop messing around with that and get over here.” She had told him he could pick one toy for them to try out from her collection but so far he was just playing with everything. He was taking particular joy in trying to secure a strap on to his head. “Look, Y/N, I’m an actual dickhead now!” He heard her groan at his joke but he definitely heard a giggle too, “Or ‘fuckface’… I heard you call someone that the other day.” Joker liked to make her laugh, he found it put him at ease before they had sex; somehow he was still nervous he was going to make her hate him or that he would somehow hurt her.

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Her fingers felt soothing as they ran through his long hair, she had practically begged him to let her practice a french braid on him and he didn’t actually mind it. Y/N had always liked playing with his hair - even before they became a proper couple. “How do you get it so soft?” She asked as she brushed it out to start her braid again, “You never have any split ends either.” He really did take good care of it, it wasn’t something she ever expected from him but she couldn’t deny how much attention he paid to his hair - even his pubic hair was kept trimmed and oddly perfect. He glanced over her shoulder at her and gave a soft smile, “I wasn’t allowed long hair when I was younger, so I like to keep it nice.”

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Something had upset him, something had happened and Y/N hadn’t really known what to do when she found him huddled up in the corner of her bedroom. He was always good at sneaking in but this was the first time she had ever woken up and found him hiding in the dark rather than invading her bed. “JJ?” She called out her pet name for him as she got out of bed and padded over to him, kneeling between his outstretched legs before reaching out to touch his face. He flinched. “Joker, what’s wrong?” She tried again to touch him and this time he allowed her to rest her hands on his cheeks. Y/N checked him over, he didn’t seem to be hurt in anyway, he was just… not quite right. “Can I take off your hat?” He gave a nod and she removed the item quickly, her fingers ran over his hair to neaten it out a little and then she asked if she could take off his eyepatch. This time he shook his head no. “Okay, will you come to bed? We can cuddle…” It hadn’t been hard to figure out, once she had seen all the evidence, that Joker had had bad experiences with people - that someone had likely abused him in his past. One of her biggest clues had been the way he never got too rough with her, how he always had to be able to see her face. Joker cherished her when they were together, he always made sure she knew that he wanted her to feel good and loved. It was moments like this, when he was emotionally bare and vulnerable that she felt most intimate with him, that he let her in and trusted her not to hurt him. “I’ll be big spoon, okay, JJ?” Taking his hand she coaxed him toward the bed and wrapped herself around his tall frame; trying her best to make him feel safe.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

The first time Joker masturbated he had been a little scared that he was going to be struck by lightning. He may have been raised an assassin but they were still a religious order that frowned upon that kind of thing… unless you were some sort of twisted pervert. At first he had ignored the feeling, not wanting to touch himself because he didn’t want to feel sick afterwards; sex had always made him feel disgusting before. But as his vision blurred white and his muscles spasmed, his fist moving on its own along his length as he milked every last drop out of it, he felt weightless afterward. The tension melted out of his body and he wanted to take a nap. He didn’t feel bad, he didn’t feel disgusting - he felt good. He doesn’t masturbate half as much now that he had Y/N. His right arm didn’t ache as much either…

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

“Is this okay?” Y/N asked as she straddled the backs of his thighs and placed her hands on his back. She had set up a large mirror at the end of the bed for this and she hoped it would work for Joker. She had wanted to give him a massage for the longest time but he could never really relax because he disliked having people behind him, touching his bare skin. She figured that if he could see what she was doing in the mirror it might help him. Joker hugged the pillow under his chin and watched her reflection intently, she pulled out a bottle of oil and began warming it in her hands, “I’d like it more if you were naked too.” He saw her look back at his reflection and rolled her eyes, “Maybe in a little while then.” Feeling her slick hands stroke over his bare back made the man let out a low moan; he loved being touched. Stroked, pet, cuddled, caressed - it didn’t matter as long as it was a positive touch. His kink wasn’t being choked or hit or even just tied up. His kink was being treated sweetly by his lover.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

“Excuse me, ma’am.” The shop assistant sounded a little panicked from outside the changing room door. “Ma’am, you… you can’t have your boyfriend in there with you. I’m sorry but please stop having -‘relations’.” Y/N glared at Joker as he held in his laughter, she had told him to get out the second he had materialised in her changing room but he had said he wanted to play. “Anywhere isn’t an acceptable location for this kind of thing, Joker!”

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

It didn’t take much to turn her boyfriend on, sometimes just looking in his general direction was enough motivation for him to pull her into long, lovely kisses and feel his hands sneaking under her clothes to caress her body. So as she finished paying for her new lingerie and took the bag from the cashier, she had to wonder how he was going to react to her intentionally teasing him.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs)

Going through her sex toys seemed to be one of his favourite hobbies, mostly because it would make her stutter and feel flushed. This time Joker held up a pretty chain with a clamp either end, “Those are nipple clamps, JJ.” “They look like they hurt…” He tossed them aside in distain then found a pair of handcuffs next, “Why… would you intentionally want to be hurt?” Joker put those back too, his expression unhappy. Y/N came to sit down beside him, “Sometimes a little pain feels good-“ “Sex and pain shouldn’t go together. I’m never going to use any of this shit on you.” She gave a little shrug, embarrassed that he didn’t approve of her little kinks but understanding all the same, “And that’s okay… I’ll never mix the two together when I’m with you. I promise I’d never try to hurt you.”

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

His hands gripped her shoulders a little too hard and Joker quickly moved them to the edge of the kitchen counter behind him so he wouldn’t bruise her. Her mouth was so warm and the way she was sucking him felt so good that his legs were starting to shake. As much as he loved having his mouth on her and his tongue inside - this was always his favourite treat. It took all his willpower not to thrust into Y/N’s mouth; one look down and he felt his balls tighten at the way her lips stretched around him and how damn pretty she looked like this. “I-I’m gonna… Fuck, Y/N, I’m - !!” P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

The headboard of her bed thumped rhythmically against the wall as Joker plowed into her, his hands holding her thighs up and open so that he could go deeper. “J-Jo-ker! Ah, I… P-please!” He felt her walls tightening around him, heard how wet she was and knew she wouldn’t last much longer. The man slowed his pace, still filling her to the very hilt but almost dragging out how quickly he pulled out to the tip and then dived in deep again. Unable to process the mixture of slow and fast, hard and gentle, Y/N’s body began to shake and tremble, her eyes squeezing shut as his name filled the room loud enough for the neighbours to hear.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

The endearing problem with her odd boyfriend, other than not knowing where he came from or even where he would come from next, was that he was able to go - sexually - at a moments notice. He loved a quickie, he loved it slow, sideways and once he had loved it upside down. Y/N had taken to carrying extra underwear with her just in case.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Y/N loved Joker, she adored him and she knew he cared about her deeply too… she just wished he would try new things with her that were not so safe. She liked a little breathplay every now and then but Joker wouldn’t risk choking her. He was a strong man and he knew he could get carried away. Then again, she thought as she looked at how high they were on the roof of a skyscraper, he liked to have sex in some pretty scary places.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

“I… actually can’t…” Y/N rolled onto her side panting heavily, everything ached a good way, the sheets were wet under her and every time Joked touched her she felt her body spasm. She was over sensitive and even though she knew he could make her orgasm again - she ws certain she would probably die. “I need a break.” “Okay, then we can go for round six?”

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?) Joker loved toys. His favourite thing was to go through hers and then try them out if they interested him enough. There were many times he would bring new ones home for Y/N and then look at her with an excited purple eye. Y/N looked at the new toy he had brought home and blinked, “Is that a fucking tentacle dildo?!”

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Sometimes Joker wasn’t aware that he was actually teasing her, he just liked to touch her. Y/N bit her bottom lip as his thumb brushed over her clothed nipple again, it was hard and aching from his absent minded touch - she had no doubt he was only messing with her nipple because it was erect. It was the same for his other touch on her body. His other hand was on her inner thigh, his fingers tracing up and down the seam of her bottoms. “You’re driving me crazy!” “I haven’t even done anything?” Joker let out a surprised yelp as Y/N pinned him down to the sofa and climbed on top of him.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

“I’m calling the police!” Y/N hid her face in Joker’s neck as they listened to her neighbour yell through the wall - they were kind of loud on a regular basis. “I could go and have a word with him?” “Don’t you dare, Joker! We’re already in trouble because you did the…. Thing!” He grinned and blew a few heart shaped smoke rings for her, “You love it when I do the Thing.”

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

The bouquet of flowers she found on her table when she got home were a wonderful surprise. She noticed they were mostly purple with her favourite colour splashed in here and there; she didn’t need a note to know Joker had left them for her. Putting her bag down and kicking off her shoes Y/N picked up the flowers and smelled them, appreciating the gesture more than the aroma. Looking around the small apartment for him she realised that she must have just missed him… or he was hiding. Joker was surprisingly shy when it came to romantic gestures. X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words) The first time she saw him naked, Y/N had been a little intimidated because, like most things about him, his cock was long. There was no way all of him would fit inside her without tickling her tonsils. Trying to calm her nerves she had turned her gaze onto his body, ran her hands over his lean muscles and pressed kisses to the scars she found. “One day, you’ll share your story with me, JJ.”

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

“Are you done?” Joker asked as he hovered over Licht, the young man was testing some new formula and he had said he needed Joker’s help. Watching the vial turn a different colour the scientist smirked to himself, “Have you got a date?” “I’m just horny. I miss Y/N and you’re being so boring!” He knew he had a problem, he knew he probably had too much sex but who could blame him when he had such a wonderful woman waiting for him?

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

His head rested on Y/N’s shoulder as they lay in bed; he couldn’t sleep and she was trying to help soothe him to sleep. She massaged his scalp between running her fingers through his hair and she had even tried making him a hot drink. Sometimes he couldn’t sleep, even after the euphoric release of a good orgasm to melt his troubles away. Feeling her hand brush over one of his scars Joker let out a sign, “Remember when you said one day I’d share my story?” Her hands paused for a second, the weight of his words causing her breath to stutter, “…Yes.” “Would you still love me, even if I wasn’t a good man?” “No matter what you were in the past,” She kissed the side of his head, “You’re my Joker and I’ll love you for who you are now.”

#joker/52 #reader #fire force #enen no shouboutai #enn enn no shouboutai #alphabet

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trainthief · 5 years ago

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hey i'm one of those aforementioned "only-heard-blake-shelton" people - do you have any recs for better country music? i like finding new music but country is hard cause i don't really know where to start

I think the best way to explore any genre is to abandon the feeling that you’re obligated to develop an academic-level base of knowledge in the different foundations and aspects of it. If that’s something that actually interests you then by all means go for it, but despite how pretentious and rude people can get about music, it is at its heart just a form of expression - and while knowing which specific sounds might have influenced others can enhance the listening experience for some people, it’s not like there’s a prerequisite course load you need to take before you can start telling people you like country music at parties.

Anyway, that point aside, here’s some basics: country itself is a really broad concept, and was initially defined more by its ideology and source than any specific structural musical qualities that it tended toward (although its creation was most heavily influenced by Irish, Mexican, and African musical traditions). The common use of instruments like guitars, banjos, and fiddles is more to do with the ease of accessibility and portability for poorer Americans of the late 1800s, who - especially in the West - tended to be at least somewhat nomadic. Thematically speaking, it was most often centered around the experiences of blue-collar workers, including but not limited to cowboys. Subsequently, it has suffered under the combined efforts of corporations and politicians to market a parody of rural America’s own culture right back at them, and that’s why - especially if you’re only in your 20’s or younger - it’s very possible your knowledge of it is defined by commercialized Bro Country (which in my opinion is almost always antithetical to the actual spirit of country music itself, and also from a musical perspective tends to be uninteresting bullshit).

As far as subgenres go, the ideas quickly become so vague that it’s really up to the listener to decide how they want to categorize their music. Region and era can influence sound quite a bit, so that’s one way. Subject matter is another. Actual musical structure is a further one. I’m not going to bother and try to give you a comprehensive idea of all the options, because that’s impossible to do in anything shorter than an essay. Instead I’ll just fill you in on some of my favorites, and some song suggestions to go with them:

Country Music You’ve Been Listening to This Whole Time Without Knowing It: this is an easy one to start with. Lots of folk music is also country music, whether you were aware of it or not. James Taylor, John Prine, John Denver, Bob Dylan…. You’ve been here this whole time.

Outlaw Country: Tends to be either dark or mournful, but regardless it’s dramatic and fun. Usually framed around some fictional crime the singer has committed, which they have either been sentenced for or are on the run from. Good examples are Kate McCannon by Colter Wall, Mama Tried by Merle Haggard, Late July by Shakey Graves, Gallows Pole by Willie Watson, and Hell’s Canyon by Lost Dog Street Band

Spirituals: I’m definitely not going to tell you how to feel about religion itself - but given that music has been such a deeply rooted part of spiritual expression for as long as we’ve recorded history, and has very often evolved in tandem with or in response to religious movements, I think you’re really cutting yourself off from some good tunes if you try to ignore it entirely. Johnny Cash’s later stuff, especially, has the same dark overtones of his earlier Outlaw music but with the addition of gospel stylings and a religious severity that comes together in a way that’s honestly just straight up sexy to listen to. Ain’t No Grave and Redemption Day are probably the best two examples of this. On the other side, there’s the simplistic and heartfelt kind of spiritual country found in stuff like Hank Williams’ I Saw the Light, or I’ll Fly Away as performed by Gillian Welch, which I find really moving.

Honky Tonk: On the subject of Hank Williams, honky tonk is really fun music, and I deeply resent the fact that it’s been incorporated into the classist caricature of rural stupidity. At its heart, honky tonk was just designed to be a good time, and the vocal techniques it employs are actually really difficult to master, so it deserves a lot more respect. Hank Williams, in particular, also tends to use it to get right at the heart of subjects I really enjoy (although don’t confuse him with his son Hank Williams Jr, who writes Bro Country and unfortunately seems to be a terrible person). Anyway, Mind Your Own Business is one of his (and one of my favorite personal anthems), and Wealth Won’t Save Your Soul is a powerful one too. Regarding more modern honky tonk, my favorite up-and-coming musician is named Nick Shoulders, and I’d recommend his songs Rather Low and Snakes and Waterfalls.

Nice Comfortable Country Music Sung By Ladies: this is definitely a genre specific to just me, but it’s a type of music I grew up listening to a lot as a kid and I really love it. Like the title says, it’s just country songs by various very talented women who make you feel like you’re warm and at home. I Have a Need for Solitude by the great Mary Chapin Carpenter, Across the Great Divide by Nanci Griffith, Traveling Alone by Tift Merritt, Angel from Montgomery by Bonnie Raitt, Hammer and a Nail by The Indigo Girls

Poor Boy Blues: again, not a definitive stylistic subgenre so much as it is an opportunity to show off a few different songs of a few different styles that all follow a common and relatable theme, specifically one that is important to the overall genre itself. Dead End Street by Blake Mills, Crop Comes In by Chatham County Line, Thirteen Silver Dollars by Colter Wall, My Rifle My Pony and Me by Dean Martin, Cowpoke by Dave Stamey, Automobile by KALEO

Love And Heartbreak: have you really lived if you haven’t rocked out to Cowboy Take Me Away by the Dixie Chicks? No, you haven’t. You’ll also be happy to hear that I recall a poll that listed Cowboy Take Me Away as being the number one song every cowboy will sing along to on full blast whenever he’s alone. Anyway, there’s also Buddy by Willie Nelson, Crossing Muddy Waters by John Hiatt, Morning by Jim Ed Brown, Every Time I Hear That Song by Brandi Carlile, Gentle on My Mind by Glen Campbell, Kathleen by Townes Van Zandt.

Experimental: if you’d like to get a little weird with it, I’d recommend The Gold is Deep by The Dead Tongues (which uses some really ambient reverb and a small church organ for a more psychedelic sound), or Familiarity by The Punch Brothers (which compositionally borrows a lot from modern classical chamber music with its rhythmic systems and pacing).

There’s lots more we could get into here, like bluegrass, slow dancing music, spaghetti western soundtracks, and the fact that not all country pop-rock is bad, but I’ll stop myself here…. If you’re looking for a more general source for a lot of country all at once, here’s my favorite of my country playlists. Hope that was helpful!

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ashleysouniqueblog · 6 years ago

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A Guide on “How To” Habana

If you came across this blog post, you may already have found out that planning a trip to Cuba from America is not the easiest task. There is not much information online and the information that is online conflicts. This may be since some of the information is 4-5 years old and things there are in the development stages. I too had a hard time finding information and this is what made me determined to pass on real experiences and suggestions.

My trip to Havana, Cuba was a full 3 days, from Thursday to Sunday. I planned this trip for myself along with 12 others. So here are some key takeaways:

1. Flights: In order to a book a flight to Cuba from America you have to fall into one of the 12 OFAC Categories. All airlines require you to choose one before being allowed to book the flight. Make sure that you choose correctly as you will be asked again when it’s time to check in and when you land in Cuba. Also, Visas must be purchased at check in or at the gate they can range anywhere from $20 to $100 depending on the airline and departure city.

· Visiting family

· Humanitarian projects or to provide support to the Cuban people

· Official business of the U.S. government, foreign governments and certain intergovernmental organizations

· Journalistic activities

· Professional research

· Educational activities by persons at academic institutions

· People to people travel

· Religious activities

· Public performance, clinics, workshops, athletic or other competitions and exhibitions

· Authorization to provide travel services, carrier services and remittance forwarding services

· Activities of private foundations, research or educational institutes

· Exportation of certain Internet-based services

2. Housing: Booking an Airbnb instead of staying in a hotel falls under OFAC “Support for The Cuban People” also if you do choose to stay in a hotel make sure it is not on the U.S. Department of State Restricted List. Quality Airbnb’s tend to get booked quick so make sure you are giving yourself time to life the life you want to while in Cuba. Make sure you communicate with the house host as some houses have strict rules. For example, you may not be able to bring outside food or drinks into the home, no guests can come to the house, no parties, no loud music, men may not be able tot sleep in the same room, etc.

Due to my group of people being over 10 people the options we had for Airbnb’s were off the back limited as we later found out that the city does not accommodate large groups very well. Furthermore, I found an Airbnb called “Blue Mansion Hostel My Way”. This home had none of the house rules as above and the host was more than accommodating while communicating with me before I booked. La Casa Blue Mansion Airbnb pictures does not do this house any justice. This house was beautiful and huge we had more than enough space!! Online it says that there were double beds in most rooms then 6 single beds split between 2 bedrooms. When we got there the single beds were Queen sized and the double beds were King sized. Everyone in my group had their own bed, and even some had their own room. Every bedroom had separate bathrooms and ample towels etc. There was 24/7 security, house cooks and waitstaff were on standby for whatever you may need, or request. This is a very clean family house and it has a very cultured feel. My group spent a lot of time in the many patio areas around the pool or in the bar club area that also had a pool table. We were very pleased.

3. Currency: Visa, Mastercard, American Express or any other debit/credit card is not accepted in Cuba so bring enough cash with you for your entire trip. US dollars is hit with an extra conversion penalty and lose value dramatically is you convert directly from USD to CUC. Therefore, we converted USD to EUR prior to our flights, then converted from EUR to CUC once we landed in Cuba.

Cuba has 2 currencies: CUC and CUP. You should always get CUC as it is more widely accepted, and CUC has the higher value. For instance, CUC is 1 to 1 to USD/EUR/CAD (roughly), while CUP is 1 to 25 USD/EUR/CAD. CUC is what we seen prices in tourist areas listed, while businesses that displayed CUP were in neighborhoods. Of course, food was cheaper in neighborhoods.

How much to bring? We were there for 3 days converted between $500-1,000 USD and once the trip was over we pretty much converted most of it back. It’s safe to bring more than what you’ll expect to spend just in case. Also, if you save your receipt from exchange centers in the airport, within 30 days they allow you to convert back without a fee at the same rate you purchased.

4. Airport Experience: When you first land in Cuba, you will be outside and will walk into the building. The customs agents and TSA are 90% women. Their uniforms are quite interesting as the military style miniskirts and black fishnet stockings fit very sexy. I was pleasantly surprised. Waiting on baggage claim was okay until my bag was literally the last one out on the belt and the moment I grabbed it, agents wanted me to step to a table on the side for an extra check. The bag that I checked was actually school supplies that I was planning to give to the kids at a school near our Airbnb. They were speaking Spanish and I only caught on to key words like “violation”. I was started to wonder why? There was nothing I brought that was against the law, just folders, composition notebooks, crayons, markers, and chalk. As they checked the pages on the notebooks they had all my friends who were waiting close the door come back to scan all of our bags through a metal detector. Shortly after, they let us go. Weird.

5. Airport Transportation: We booked airport transportation through our house because several of us took different flights and landed at different times. The house had someone waiting with a sign at every single one of our flights. Airport Taxis literally wait in the airport line all day to get someone who is going into the city, not from one terminal to the other. So, keep that in mind for your departure date because it will be hard to find a ride from one terminal to another.

6. Taxis: Taxis in the city are cheap. You’ll be fine but ask how much before you ride off with them so that you aren’t shocked by the rate. We allowed our house to organize taxis to and from the city and club. We were dropped off at different meeting points and gave him a time to pick us up. He was always on time.

7. WiFi: Most American cell phone plans do not work in Cuba. So as soon as you touch down you most likely will not be able to contact anyone. Hotels and Wifi parks sell WiFi cards $2 for an hour of online activity. Two guys in my group found a park and waited in a long line to get one. The rest of us did not see any of the WiFi parks. Some people were able to make calls from there cell at $2.49 a minute, but they could not receive a call. We were there for 3 days so soon after we stopped worrying about being able to get on social media and focused on enjoying the time and people that were right in front of us. If you are anything like me, be prepared, plan ahead. Download Maps.Me and download the Havana, Cuba offline map. Also, take screen shots of restaurants, addresses, important information, flight information, etc. as it is very likely you will not have connectivity.

8. Giving back to the Cubano kids: I planned a school drive as a form of giving back to the Cuban kids. We all brought supplies we thought may be scarce or just needed to be replaced to give to them. With the help of our Airbnb host we were able to get the Principal of a local school (I will not name the school) to allow us into the school to give the kids supplies. They were happy children with big bright smiles in their uniforms. This warmed my heart.

9. Restaurants: Most dishes we found in Cuba of course were seafood. But you were able to find chicken, salads, and pizza as well. I won’t detail all of them but 2 in particular. There is the O’Reilly 304 Gin Bar and Restaurant. We were all completely amazed by the bartender and all of his concoctions of drinks. We also met the manager Julio we completely accommodated us and had a million stories to tell of U.S. celebrities who has stopped by his spot. One thing I must say is that we were wondering what was taking so long with our food and soon after Julio and another guy comes in with fresh veggies and a string line of fish just caught out the ocean! Not to mention the food was seasoned very well! Make sure you try the salsa for the plantains, you will not be disappointed. Another day we went to Del Mar beach but met at Rachon Don Pepe, a beach hut restaurant. There drinks were $2.50 each! If you find yourself in the area stop by and get the lobster tail and boiled shrimp with hot sauce! There is also a pinacoloda spot next door that will completely give you beach vibes.

10. Beaches: The most popular beach that everyone says to go to is Veradero. This beach is 3 hours out of the city. Planning this trip, I did not want to have to commute 6 hours for anything, so I did some research on other beaches and found Del Mar. ‘Playa Estes Del Mar” was absolutely perfect!!! We all fell in love from the moment we walked up a sand hill and got to the top and saw the crystal-clear water and warm smooth sand. If I could I would go back just to have another day on that beach.

11. Cuban People: I’m not sure if I just didn’t know what to expect Cubans to look like but they look like us! The country is full of beautiful black and brown people! I absolutely loved the looks. Everyone we encountered either did not say anything to us or was very nice and talkative. I believe they are just as curious of us as we are with them. A lot of Cubans are artists, I was not expecting so much beautiful art! If you have the chance stop by the market and bring extra cash to buy some timeless pieces of art and paintings.

12. Night Life: Our first night in town we went to a place by the name of “Mio y Tuyo”, drinks and food was cheap, and they had a good DJ with the videos to the songs playing in the background. We found out later that is place is someone’s home. They made the first floor of their home into a club. Cool right? Our second night, we went to “Fabrica de Arte Cubano”. This place is about 7 clubs in one big building with patios. Each club played a different type of music but all of them made you want to stop and dance. All throughout the building was a display of art from local artists, which I absolutely loved. The bartenders make all the drinks hand crafted and none of the mixers come from machine. Everything was from fresh ingredients. The 3rd night we were going to go to “Fantasy” but we ended up throwing a party for ourselves in our Airbnb club (the house seriously has its own club).

13. Tours: Book the Vinales Cigar rolling and Horseback riding tour, it’s an all-day tour but is worth it, so plan to have 1 full day of your trip there. If you are short on time as we were, there is a Cigar Factory and Rum tour in the city that is roughly 3 hours, and they are only open on weekdays. If you book an Airbnb, allow the house host to book the tours for you as they have direct contacts to these businesses. But I do recommend not to pre-book the old American car tours. Online prices were average $45 per person, while walking up to them and negotiating they quoted 60 CUC per car (split between 3-4 people in each car) for a city tour and to drop us off at a Restaurant in Del Mar (30-40min out the city).

14. Time is not of the essence in Cuba as it is in America. They are not in a rush to do anything. If you set a time for your taxi to pick you up and you are not ready they will wait on you. You cannot pay to skip the line at the club (trust me we tried to offer $$$), you must wait in line. There is no quick bite to eat as all the food is made to order and the drinks are handcrafted with detail. So, find some patience.

I hope my tips help you and yours enjoy your trip! Follow my group and our tags on IG: @AshleySoUnique @Wolf_of_Peachtree @DrCarlaMoore @Corrien3 @__Jayalessia @_miamor @_meaganh @Supreme.bliss @modernmillennia @teddy_atl @blkgrl_ashley @lala_kki @quinashai_chelette

#SomewhereInCuba #Travel #Habana #Havana #Cuba #Havanacuba #Habanacuba #blacktravel #travelisthenewclub #travelnoire #westaytraveling #weworktotravel #blacktravelfeed #blacktravelgram #jetsettingchicks #travelblacktakeover #travelandleisure

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secretsfromwholecloth · 6 years ago

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So. *cracks knuckles* I just got finished playing Pillars of Eternity for the first time this morning. I have opinions. They’re under the cut.

The map and pausing functionalities and the “just click on who you want this character to attack and we’ll handle the rest” combat brought the gameplay closer to what I’m used to from roguelikes (extremely low-res so you can see a huge amount of the area on the screen at once, turn-based gameplay that doesn’t require you to react quickly or aim well) and made the game actually playable for me, and I wish they were, if not standard-issue, then a lot more common. I hadn’t played a definable ~video game~ since I was about eight, as much because of gameplay that’s Not For Me as because of bad memories attached to them, and that might not have been the case had I had things like this available to me before.

The setting is fun and intriguing, though I’m still sorting through my feelings about its handling of religion (which has a certain tinge of “we wanted the color and variety of a polytheistic pantheon without having to consider actual polytheism”). I’ll be happy to continue spending time in Eora as I play through Deadfire and whatever future games there are in the series. (PoE III: Yezuha, anyone?)

I’ll take the opportunity to experience something different on future playthroughs, but I really do like my Old Vailian moon godlike artist cipher. I started thinking about Clelia’s personality when @bloodilymerry mentioned that her Watcher was keeping Durance around to keep an eye on him—what would my Watcher’s reasoning be? Because that is something that needs explaining; that guy’s a douche. So I thought, I know, I’ll base her on my twenty-something self who thought someone with misogynistic and white supremacist tendencies could be turned if I was only nice enough to him. That eventually turned into her acquiring my gender (some shifting combination of woman and agender, as befits a Vailian godlike), ancestry (or the Eoran equivalent, Old Vailian mother and alternately overbearing and neglectful Ixamitec father), early-twenties relationship situation (see below), and more besides, as I used the character and her interactions with others to basically relitigate my twenties. (I won’t say the entire decade was a blank loss, but I won’t not say it, either; this process has been quite healing, in its way.)

Where, where, is my option to hug my companions? Or various other characters, like Adaryc? They all need so many hugs. I shouldn’t have to headcanon all the hugs. This isn’t right.

Speaking of the companions:

Aloth: I loved elves when I was active in Tolkien fandom (though I was always Team Aragorn as far as that went). Intellectually, I’m well aware that he’s an adorable woobie who needs lots of hugs. “Abuse survivor falls in with a religious group led by not-great people to get away and then has to escape again from their saviors”? Relatable, I know some of those feels all too well. A romance that explicitly breaks free from the relationship escalator and rejects the weight of societal expectations of what A Romance(tm) should be? It’s like they read my mind. My real-life sexual history is full of Aloths, sad little cuties who needed me, and in my day I befriended more of them besides. I love his VA and think he did a great job. So why did I take until the endgame to start warming to the character? I have no idea. I’m still sorting through that.

Edér: Oh, Ed��r, why won’t they let me hug you? So in case you can’t tell, I love the big man to death, and his usefulness in combat (he’s nearly indestructible when fully leveled and given well-chosen, nicely-enchanted gear—he took down Concelhaut by himself, with a little help from figurines, after the rest of the party was knocked out) is only part of the reason he never left my party. I went for the mayor ending with him, because encouraging his god-bothering tendencies just seems cruel in light of what’s going to happen in five years. (Side note: “Eder”, accented on the first syllable, is a Basque name meaning “handsome”, and it was one of the proposed names for a character from Forbears who’s also a traumatized war woobie. I eyebrowed mightily when I first heard about our man here.)

As much as I ship Edér/Watcher on general principles, he and Clelia aren’t actually that compatible as a romantic couple per se—we see in a few places that he likes his women less sweet and more fiery, probably because at least part of him sees himself as a big, dumb brute who’s slow to catch onto people’s signals and at risk for hurting women without realizing it if they don’t make their opinions known by getting in his face and yelling. I have a couple of levels of headcanons for what their relationship is like:

If we’re hewing fairly closely to game canon, he loves her to pieces, and her flashes of ferocious protectiveness are kind of hot, but she mostly trips his “tiny baby, must protect” circuits, and it’s a relief to watch her get better and grow into someone who needs less babysitting. She’ll be romancing Tekēhu in Deadfire; he’s happy for them, and her continued fangirling over Edér is background noise at this point, not even really awkward anymore.

If I allow my headcanons to take flight a bit, both of them being lonely, touch-starved, and kind of messed up when they met led to him indulging her when she would want to paw at him at night, because hey, it’s actually kind of nice, especially compared to the loneliness of before, and by time they fight Thaos, they’re having “friends doing a nice thing for each other” sex on the regular but know a Proper Romance isn’t in the cards. Over the course of Deadfire, she gets into a triad with Rekke and Tekēhu, with Edér back in his old role as the beloved friend she sleeps with sometimes, and before anyone says anything, “AFAB person with two boyfriends and another male friend who takes the occasional turn in hir bed” is a spot-on description of my relationship situation from ages 19 to 22, right down to the friend being older than the others and a huge stoner. He wasn’t nearly as good a person as Edér, though.

Obsidian have priors, you know. Just ask Star Wars fandom about Bao-Dur. Let us romance the war woobies, Obsidian.

Kana: Another one who never left the party, due in equal amounts to his usefulness on the battlefield and my emotional attachment to him. I demand the option to throw my arms around his waist and smoosh my face into his solar plexus, goddammit. Especially when it turns out that the Engwithans were kind of terrible and the ironclad evidence of Rauatai’s link to them is destroyed and it breaks his poor heart.

Kana, at first, didn’t resonate with me as an immigrant’s child, in part because his second-generation experience was very different from mine, with parents who viewed their heritage as something to protect him from, rather than enthusiastically passing it down like mine did. But by the late game, I’d come to a new understanding of what his deal was: He was raised with no connection to his parents’ heritage besides them telling him a few “pirate stories”. But in Rauatai, he was physically different and subject to racism, and no amount of loud, enthusiastic patriotism ever quite made that go away, which meant that his parents’ choice to not give him anything else to cling to, rather than smoothing his path to integration, left him feeling alone and adrift. So he latched onto ancient times for that sense of having a place in history, and specifically the Engwithans, viewed as “everyone’s ancestors” in much the same way as the real world’s Greeks and Romans (after all, the Glanfathans and their direct connection to them wouldn’t have been more than a name to him then). If there was a link between them and something as foundational to Rauatai as the Tanvii ora Toha, and moreover if it was him and his work bringing that knowledge to everyone, then maybe he’d finally be allowed that feeling of continuity and belonging. Maybe he’d finally make sense there.

Durance and Grieving Mother: Apparently they had the same writer. The same male writer. Meaning that this man had the opportunity to add two nuanced, fully explored characters to this fantasy world, and he chose to give us a violent incel and a woman with no thoughts of anything besides babies and motherhood. I’m genuinely quite uncomfortable with this and glad they have no equivalent in Deadfire. I didn’t much appreciate having to keep Durance in the party so much to advance his quest, either, and their one-dimensional characterization and stilted dialogue felt like a poor fit with the rest of the game.

Fuck you, Durance.

Pallegina: I’d hug her, but she might run me through with her sword for trying. I’ll let her come to me when she’s ready for hugs. Her absolute certainty and confidence (only shakable by a sexy aumaua woman flirting with her, apparently) are wonderful to see, but maybe one day she’ll form an identity for herself that isn’t so tied up in the Republics and their government.

Sagani: She’s every working mom who knows she’s doing the right thing but still regrets spending so much time away from her kids, and I love her and want to hug her a lot. Also, Itumaak is cute, but Edér, no, wait until he’s had more than two days to get to know you before you try to pet him!

Hiravias: Go have a bath before I hug you. And yes, the racism you face is terrible, but could you shut the hell up about Pallegina’s cloaca? And keep a lid on the lewd comments in general unless it’s someone you have that kind of relationship with? (It’s absolutely in character for someone that lonely to be both desperate to keep the first friends he’s made in years and inclined to push their boundaries and test them to see if they’ll just abandon him like everyone else. And he does absolutely need some hugs. Still, though, dude, not cute.)

Devil of Caroc: Totally needs a hug, but I’m not sure she’d appreciate me just going up to her and giving her one. We can show we care about each other by making snarky comments instead.

Zahua: Poor, poor Zahua. Needs a bath first, but then so, so many hugs. Tied with Edér for loveliest voice in the game—hey, you two want to banter some more so I can sit here and listen to your voices?

Maneha: Girl, come here so I can hug you. I agonized over whether to have her keep her memory or not; I was thoroughly OK with her forgetting it, but reading over the endings, I think the one where she remembers is nicer. Also, she had some of the cutest banter in my playthrough, both her flirtation with Pallegina and her growing friendship with Kana, but...what’s that accent? Northern Cities? Midwest? It works for her, she sounds adorable, and of course I wouldn’t expect someone with her history to sound exactly like Kana, but I wonder a little what they were going for.

Fuck you, Thaos, you’re the worst. Lady Webb, you had atrocious taste in men.

Fuck you too, Simoc.

Ondra is less nice than she thinks, and I look forward to getting on her nerves in Deadfire.

Speaking of which, let’s get started.

#pillars of eternity #watcher Clelia

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purplenickel · 7 years ago

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So this turned more into my queer dating history but its fun lol

So I have always been attracted to boys even before I knew that trans was a thing much less that I could transition. I also always admired girls and found ways to rationalize it until like middle school when I became aware of bisexuality where I had so many crushes usually on the mean kids at least the ones that didn’t have like weird shaped heads or watch alarms that went off at weird times during class like why do you need an alarm for 1:27? Youre supposed to be learning basic Spanish do that instead lol An I dated one guy in middle school when I knew I was bisexual and at least a tom boy. And the things I wanted to do to that boy. Like I was kinky as a small child lol like damn you could do a lot more than hold my hand and let me give you innocent little cheek kisses.

We stayed together until freshmen year of high school where I was bored with how slow things were going so I broke up with him. It probably didn’t help that I was starting to question my gender then either. I told my mom I thought I wanted to be a boy and she shot that down real quick “You’re a girl and cant be a boy” so I ended up trying to cut off all my hair until it was so fucked she had to give me a buzzcut and I ended up looking like a hard core butch lesbian for a semester)

Second boyfriend was this skinny dude like only an inch taller than me and I was 5’3 at the time. I wrote down love song lyrics and gave them to him to ask him out. Im romantic like that lol. We dated for a while and I guess we just grew apart. He wouldn’t do much more than kiss me occasionally and I was like damn yall how do I keep getting these innocent Victorian straight boys. But he was cute and I still see him around town much to my embarrassment. Idk why im embarrassed so much maybe I feel bad that he thought he was dating a girl and im not?

Next boyfriend was a bi emo guy named Justice. I dated him mainly because he was the only bi guy I knew at my school in rural redneck Virginia lol he ended up being really kinky and kinda weirdly intense. Like the fun part was he didn’t mind that I was all for sitting in the back of the anime club/computer classroom and tryina get down. The weird part was that he had the idea to write Real Person fanfiction staring ourselves as like vampires because he had a major biting kink and was really emo and thought he was goth but rural VA is a hard place to be goth when all your clothes come from walmart. But he was really intense like he had our entire lives planned out in the fanfic and actually went a bought me a ring , gold with a pearl setting, that I immediately lost because why would you give me a ring??? Nah so I got real disinterested in Justice and planned to break up with him. I actually ended up cheating on him sort of. My class went on a field trip to Jamestown famous school tour site all Virginian probably had to go to. And one of my classmates/kind of friends was this really hot guy with this shaggy blonde hair and this wiry lanky body and was this laid back hot stoner type and I really liked him so I sat next to him on the bus ride and seduced him through out the whole trip until we stopped in this little shopping mall on the way back to school. I was walking around one of the department stores and saw him trying one underwear of all things lol he invited me to help him pick out a new pair of tight good looking underwear and I agreed and slipped into the changing room while he was putting them on and ended up giving him a hand job he was grateful lol. Then we went back to the bus and pretended like nothing happened but there was already a rumor going around the buses that somebody had sex in the store. A few days later Justice actually broke up with me because he felt that I was “acting different” and I probably was simply because I wasn’t attracted to him any more.

Between dating Justice and the next guy I did have my first kiss with a girl! She was so pretty with silky black hair in a bob and dark blue eyes and the palest skin. She dressed in rave clothes all the time and sometimes wore fairy wings and cloaks to school. She was delightfully strange but moved to florida I think but we were saying goodbye by the schools front doors and when it was my turn I gave her a tight hug and she turned her face and gave me a kiss and I was just wow kissing girls is so nice. Speaking of girls, I also had a huge crush on president of the anime club. She was so tall and really thin with a few curves, but she was really confident and funny and just made you feel at ease and I could’ve seen myself dating her easily but she was dating someone else but im pretty sure she might have been bi but she graduated and moved to Washington state to be a masseuse.

Next boyfriend was extremely religious and also wanted to get married. I was against getting married so young, really against converting to southern baptism and definitely against having kids. Pregnancy has always freaked me out mostly because I don’t like pain and don’t want to be in pain and in general everything about reproduction freaks me out idk why. But I really wanted him. He had these nice big and rough hands and was so warm all the time. He was also really sweet. But I broke up with him because I couldn’t do the religious thing It was Too Much™.

After dating him though I had this huge crush on this girl a year younger than me in me creative writing class. She was gothic in a very flowery dark fairy type way and I loved it she was also had a huge gay crush on my female friend who I can confirm is very beautiful with long dyed red hair and olive skin and this soft husky voice that would be perfect for a late night radio talk show where you call in about relationship problems. But anyways the girl I had a crush on was named Sage and she was beautiful with her long blonde hair and her light green eyes and small everything she was very thin like scarily thin she actually had an eating disorder that we tried to help her with and she could reach her hand behind her ribs and grip the bottom of her ribs it was creepy to look at. She wrote beautiful and dark poems and never seemed to mind that my crush took the form of hugging her and resting against her as often as I could. She never seemed interested in me though I think she was actually fatphobic or maybe she was just femme for femme I dunno but I graduated and nev er saw her again so whatever.

After I graduated high school I decided to go to a traditionally womens college. My roommate was ace and like the first openly ace person I had ever met and she was really cool and introduced me to the idea of being ace but at the time I was decidedly bi and later pan once some more friends introduced me to tumblr and I started openly learning about gender and sexuality. All my friends were really hot that I met at college and I probably would have been down to date any of them except for the girl that I met through the anime club who also really liked the anime Hetalia. We could get together and watch episodes and read a variety of fanfictions ranging from family type things to kinky sex shit we were very close and im sure that a lot of people thought we were dating or at least fooling around together. We actually met each other at a Virginia anime convention where the anime club people went in a group and I went separately with some friends from high school (the best part of the experience was the wafflehouse in the hotel parking lot) but me and my friend got together at the con and went back to my groups hotel room to gush over the merch we had found and watch some anime together. I was in a closet cosplay that consisted of booty shorts and tied button up shirt so I had a lot of skin showing and we were sitting on the bed by ourselves until my friends came back and they all thought we had sex like no she was very attractive and had really nice curves but girl needed to shower more often because unfortunately she had a smell to her that I just didn’t like. I think she was interested in dating me but she ended up having financial problems of some sort and couldn’t come back to school the next year.

After she left school I came out as trans and got closer to the core group of the college anime club. They were all really hot except for the vegetarian one but she had a boyfriend and didn’t seem to like me much anyways so whatever. I also dated this one girl in my graduation class for like three days over the summer but she broke up with me because she was again a southern Baptist and couldn’t honestly date a trans person because it somehow went against god or some shit. That person has since come out as trans masculine. But anyways next person I dated was this smoking hot older girl who only wore skirts. She was southern Baptist and straight but I had to try even if I never got to be anything other than her creepy friend who everybody knew had a crush on her. She surprisingly was interested in dating me so we started going out. We went on dates around town to explore and see new stores and went to the park and shit was great we had kisses and cuddles and fun cute dates and sexy times but we also clashed a lot over mostly miscommunication. It didn’t help that I was on a medicine that once I started taking it regularly like I was supposed to my sex drive dropped to nonexistent. We fought over this a few times but still planned to try to get an apartment off campus the next year. I thought she was being too clingy by texting me pretty often that summer. I was in a bad mood all of that summer though. We broke up and got back together over the phone probably at least three times before deciding to break up for good. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together because when we weren’t fighting we had a lot of fun and I told her things I hadn’t told anybody before, I felt safe.

The next person I dated didn’t go so well. This was a friend from the colleges LARP club that also had people from the community or it was a community club that extended to the college kids and just ended up being held on campus but that’s how we met. She had a very butch androgynous look but I just really liked her personality no matter how hot she looked in her leather jacket. So we started off as LARP friends and then I worked up the nerve to ask for her number and just texted her about random things and we ended up talking about how much we both like coffee so that turned into a coffee date at the local dunkin and it was a lot of fun and we had a few more dates like that and things were looking good. A few friends that knew both of us warned me that she didn’t normally go for men but I had talked to her myself and was like that a lie and you don’t know what youre talking about ok so we hung out for a few months going slow and not really relationship dating. Around the time I was thinking of asking her to be a couple my mental health deteriorated and I ended up being hospitalized. I tried calling her once to keep up the habit of talking at night through text since I couldn’t text at the time but I think me being in the “cr*zy ward” freaked her out because 1) the phone call did not go well and was never tried again and 2) once I got out of the hospital I texted her to see if she was interested in picking up where we left off and she shut me down saying she just wanted to be friends. Of course not even a month later I found out that she and the girl I had dated for over a year were now dating. This bothered me for a long time and I was constantly wondering if I was too cr*zy to date somebody or it was because I was trans a whole bunch of self hatred type thoughts. I eventually got over it (mostly)

Then I didn’t date anybody until last year. I started texting my friend Cat from high school (back then we had a very cute James Potter Severus Snape thing going on where the characters were dating but we weren’t) and I learned that they were agender and ace and I thought it over and determined that I was ridiculously attracted to them and didn’t mind being in a nonsexual relationship because at the time I was still pretty sex repulsed myself besides for reading kinky fanfiction and getting myself off every once in a while. So We went on a friends date in the spring to see Zootopia and it was so much fun and they were so cute in their leggings and hoodie with their windblown cropped hair dyed dark red. I asked them if they wanted to date and they said yes so we went on our first official date (a hike up an abandoned walking trail where we both got covered in ticks and I had to stop and stretch out a bad leg cramp, then we got lunch at a cute vegetarian café in town and went to the town park to hang out. We sat in the grass and listened to Florence and the Machine songs and smiled at each other looking cute. We then got milkshakes and learned that we still had ticks on us from the hick and they took me home and gave me a sweet kiss goodbye with the promise of more dates in the future). Over the summer we hung out a lot because they and their mom were moving from the house they had lived in for years to a house a county over and I volunteered to help with the moving of the last few belongings. Maybe 5 trips all together, but it was a good time every day we got to see each other. We would comfortable hang out in their old house packing things up and taking our time and then we would take the forty five minute drive to the new house listening to whatever queer music we could find and save to playlists. Then we would cuddle on their couch after taking the days moving things inside and find something nice to eat on the way back to my house. I visited their college a few times (another traditionally women’s college) and met their friends who were also agender and queer and very cute people indeed. I enjoyed all the time I spent with Cat. Cat also helped me realize I was leaning more towards being a demiguy than strictly binary trans and that it was okay if I was ace, that sexuality can be fluid. Our relationship was very intimate and domestic and I loved it, especially the tight hugs and long slow kisses I would get each time we met and each time we had to say goodbye. I fell in love with Cat and because we didn’t see each other all the time and there was no pressure to maintain a sexual relationship I felt I could maintain those feelings I had for cat for a long time. We dated up until August of 2017 when they texted me and let me know they felt they were not only agender and asexual but also felt aromantic and would prefer to be platonic as they couldn’t keep up with the demands of a relationship. This devastated me. I took a week off from school to lie at home and let myself deal with the depression this brought. Im over Cat now. I enjoyed what we had but Im happy being friends though our ideas of friendship are different but that’s another textpost entirely.

I recently went to Charlottesville Pride 2017 with my friends that are the couple where I dated both and now they are happily dating each other and one of their other trans friends and it was so much fun. I think the act of getting a bag of free condoms reawakened my sex drive somehow?? Because now I would totally be down to get sex from anybody I was attracted to?? And im attracted to a lot more people than I usually am?? Like it was my friend Ness’s birthday a few weeks ago and she invited the same trans friend that went to pride with us to come and she brought her cousin with her and damn. Her cousin was the cutest and got so drunk like baby no you gotta stop while its still fun. So he’s agender and gave me his Snapchat and Im just…crushing so hard…hes too cute. But also I’ve been talking to people on OKCupid and everyones just so attractive (not the cismen tho neither the hets or gays wanna hit it so fuck em I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life) and all these tumblr people are cute and I wanna date everybody but everybody live like at least three hours away and it makes me sad because nobody seems to wanna try a long distance type thing which I would be up for.

So tl;dr: if youre reading this and you think im cute, message me and ill tell you what all we could do together ;)

Im a biromantic greyace chubby transmasculine enby and i like all body types and most personality types lol

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trashmenace · 7 years ago

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Devil's Heart by William W. Johnstone 1983 Zebra Books

"I'm gonna shove this meat up where I think your God lives."

It's twenty-twoish years after the end of part one. Jane Ann has given birth to Sam Jr., and Nydia (now Roma) gave birth to twins, Sam and Nydia. The two Sam's are college roommates, and Sam Jr. has been invited to Black's family resort in Canada, where he meets his sexy half-sister and her sexy mom, who constantly wonders if Jr. is equipped like Sr.

Back in Whitfield, Sam's stepfather Tony King has joined the forces of darkness, along with 850 of a population of 1050. Of those, aside from weak-sauce Christians who don't count, the only really faithful are Jane Ann, Miles and Doris, and Wade and Anita.

Sam Sr. communicates with his family though cheesy parlor tricks, like glowing bibles and crosses. He sends a radio message to Sam Jr. to go to the airport, where he mystically manifests a long letter, telling Jr. to kill all the Satanist at Falcon house and destroy the magic tablet I'm not sure what it does, and that Nydia is his half-sister. Sam and Nydia load up on holy water and head back to the Falcon House.

Sam and Nydia can now block the psychic powers of Falcon and Roma, and can communicate with each other telepathically, probably because of the fact that they're brother and sister, and the grace of God's will. So they start banging.

More college kids are invited to Falcon House. Most are coven members, but a few are innocents who will be either recruited or victimized. Being a brave Christian soldier, Sam risks his life to save those he can. JK - like his Dad, he blows off the weak as a lost cause.

Meanwhile, Sam Sr. hangs out with his old friends in the form of a mist while Miles creates an eight foot high golem.

Sam Jr. reveals that he was a secret government assassin and is able to kill without feeling or remorse. Nydia asks him what it means to be a Christian. Sam Jr. has no idea, and then talks about how he's going to kill her family. Time for her baptism! God feeds the words to Sam Jr. as he baptizes his half-sister who he's sleeping with. Sam Jr. just starts knowing things. Meanwhile, Black is seducing one of the college virgins with his "angry red glans."

Sam Jr. and Nydia check out a shrine of rocks around a Beast cave. They have a vision of Sam Sr. being raped by Roma/Nydia mom, and Sam Sr. throws his gun through a timewarp to his son.

Back in Whitfield, the spirit mist of Sam Sr. tells his wife that she will be raped to death and that God will do nothing to stop it. Might have been nice to tell her this when she could still get out of town.

The coven needs a virgin for a ceremony. They ran out of women, so Black rapes one of the male guests, which pisses off Satan, who's a total 'phobe, it turns out. He materializes, calls them all losers, and decides to bring in reinforcements.

In Whitfield, the couple hundred Christians who somehow weren't Christian enough are being slaughtered while astronomers are seeing the face of God in the stars.

More cultist show up at Falcon House, with extra young victims in tow. Time to lay the cards on table: they won't harm him for the next five days while they try to turn them to the dark side. The archangel Michael flies through space and destroys an altar with a sword.

Sam Sr. floats around being annoying and cryptic.

"Is there pizza in heaven, Sam?" "In a manner of speaking. But the toppings are not like those known to mortals." "Do they have pepperoni?" "In a sense, they do. And they do not. I've...said too much." "Too much about what?" "Just telling you that I've said too much is...saying too much."

Sam Jr. hangs around Falcon House listening to children being raped and claiming there's nothing he can do. It's not like he's some highly trained government assassin or something. Nydia wants to have sex again, so Sam Jr. slaps her around. He's assaulted by erotic visions of her mons veneris, which is not a spaceport in Star Wars, it turns out. He gets ready to "enter the wetness of woman ready" when they come to their senses and read the Bible until the horny goes away.

Sunday comes around, and the coven cannot make a move towards Sam Jr. or Nydia. Not that they've done anything anyway. A perfect time for Sam to slaughter the lot, only he "knows" that it isn't the proper time yet.

In Whitfield, the Coven make a final assault on the two couples and their golem before giving up. The coven is trapped in town in an invisible force field and they know God has defeated them. In other words, no action here for a few days either.

At Falcon House, where nobody can harm Sam Jr. and Nydia, Sam is knocked out and Nydia killed. He comes to her funeral and the Coven has had a change of heart. Roma asks Sam to baptized them all, even though it would mean certain death. This is, of course, a ruse. Roma's perfume intoxicates him and she rapes him, while Falcon rapes Nydia's corpse.

Nydia comes back to life and the voice of God demands that the siblings quickly have sex - "May your seed be strong." He showers, she douches, and he hopes his sperm is stronger than Falcon's to knock her up first. Roma knows she is pregnant, and will die giving birth to an immortal demon, a demon that can only be killed by a chosen one, who would have to be conceived by the same father during the same time period, and yes, Johnstone's setting up the next sequel.

Falcon and Roma try to get permission from Satan to break the rules and kill Sam, while Sam and Nydia marry themselves in the woods. The voice of God appears and tells Sam he shouldn't fight yet and - look, I'm no going to keep track of all this. It's all just an obnoxious plot contrivance to explain away why Johnstone doesn't want to write more than a couple action sequences at most.

Some action heroes stay alive despite facing overwhelming odds by depending on their skills and cunning. Sam Jr. stays alive because all the villains want him to be alive. Satan has a double agent in his own camp who has been tasked with keeping Balon and his newly conceived child alive. We don't know who she is, but on a completely unrelated note, young college student Linda has come to Sam Jr. and Nydia for protection. The pentagram on her chest is totally a birthmark, no reason to be suspicious.

Roma is already having pains from her demon pregnancy, while the Falcon and Sam's sperm are still fighting it out in Nydia's womb. Her egg might not be fertilized until after the baby is born, which says a lot for the state of sex education.

After a good night sleep in the mansion filled with satanists that just raped and beat them, Sam, Nydia, and Linda need to be prepared for an attack. In a few hours, plenty of time to talk things out first. They head to the forest with a good viewing platform of the altar.

At midnight the Coven have a ceremony, gang-raping a preteen and drinking her blood. A merman/goat shows up. Bats poop over them. Imps run around. A second girl is sacrificed, then Sam figures maybe he could actually use his Tommy gun on the unarmed coven who won't fight back, but no. He just knows it's not time yet.

More creatures appear in the sky. Johnstone pulls a Lovecraft and doesn't describe them lest we all go mad. A third child victim, Janet, manages to sneak away and join up with our trio. Sam finally gets to shoot something, a griffon, and Janet is attacked by rats. They run until they reach a point that they are protected, and the voice tells Sam the monsters won't be able to kill him if he believes in God.

Guess Sam knows the time is right and guns down ambushing cultists, takes their rifles, and starts sniping. He sets up traps in the woods while the archangel Michael slays all the mythological creatures.

In Whitfield, Jane Ann is taken and gang-raped by the whole town, just like God wants her to. Sam Jr. is told by the voice that Satan has the tablet, the tablet that we don't know what it does and if Satan can just grab it whenever he wants why does he send archaeologists digging for it. Sam has 24 hours to finish the rest of his mission, but he has to be away from Falcon House in 22 hours, so really 22 hours. Sam takes a nap while his mom gets raped for a few more pages.

Jane Ann converts some of the Coven back as she hangs on a cross. They beg God's forgiveness and are crucified and skinned alive by the rest of the coven. At Falcon House, Sam Jr. finally cuts loose, massacring the coven with holy water and his Tommy gun. Falcon shoots him as Sam throws holy water in his face.

Nydia drags Sam out of the burning house, having dispatched Linda offpage. In Whitfield, Sam Sr.'s friends transform into spirits and go to heaven with Jane Ann. A fireball destroys the town while Sam Jr. recovers from his wounds.

Epilogue:

Roma dies giving birth to a demon baby. Nydia has her own child, and Janet offers to help raise him, but oh, no! She has vampire teeth.

Duh duh duuhhhh.

Highlights: Definitely the porniest of the series, and also the most overtly religious, often at the same time. If you read only one Devil book, this is the one. It's all downhill from here.

Lowlights: More page length devoted to why characters can't explain the things they aren't explaining than there is to shooting down mythological creatures with a Tommy gun.

We'll take a look at the third Devil book another time. I'm not allowed to say when, but you will receive a sign, and know when the time is right. I've...said too much.

Available for Kindle from Amazon.

Click here to read a sample.

#zebra books #William W. Johnstone #horror #paperback #Kindle

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briteboy · 8 years ago

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MORE ASKS I’VE BEEN IGNORING!!!!!!!

GET ‘EM WHILE THEY’RE HOT

P.S. ALL OF U WHO SENT ME THE CHAIN THINGY ILYSOMUCH

Why is her step-douche such a foken piece of shit? omg i hate him

some mysteries are never meant to be explained tbh. why is he so ugly and evil? who wronged him? but also who cares he’s in jail forever now good riddance ugly

I know this is probably really bad, but after I saw the newest molly posts, I thought of that video where the little girl is yelling "MISS KEISHA, MISS KEISHA, oh my fukin gosh she fukin dead"

OMFGFD I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THAT VIDEO WAS SO I JUST WATCHED IT AND I’M LAUGHIN

i don’t blame u i bet when it happens i’m gonna be like “u know she ded”

(To the previous anon) i agree with you so, so much! In Poland, these dumbass politicians are letting shooting pregnant bisons (?? Im not sure how they're called) become legal. Like BITCH WHAT. Can you imagine??? A fucking pregnant lil' cow getting shot????? I feel Molly's pain on an emotional level rn (sorry if this is too nsfw, just needed to get that outta my system...)

i think this was in response to someone saying that hurting pregnant women is one of the worst crimes but um WTF shooting animals at all makes me itchy but pregnant ones..............nah that’s......nah

it’s ok get it outta ur system i’m here 4 u

the first thing I check in the morning is your account.... you have me whipped! ;|

OMG WHA LMAO REALLY that’s wild. i feel like i’m the only one who looks at my page which is dumb but like idk i still feel like a little kid that no one cares about lmao. but then you guys exist and amaze me with your responsiveness every day and i just ;____________; ily all

hi Sunny. first of all i'm gonna say i love your story and your editing style so much! your blog is goals like literally. i need an advice if you don't mind. you always find such amazing angles for your pictures while mine are so boring. any tips or tricks you can share?

HI thank you so much ;-; sooooo i’ve been thinking about this question the past couple of times i went in game, trying to figure out how to describe how i take pictures. for one thing i live in tab mode lmao. meaning you press the tab button on your keyboard to go into camera mode and get all these sexy angles and super zoom and stufffff. i almost always zoom in super far idk why. so there’s one tip. i honestly just play around with going up and down with the q and e keys (i think?) until i find angles i like. i take a lottttt of pictures with so many different angles just so i have a lot to choose from. basically i try to focus on different things in each picture in order to get a mix of the most diverse and dynamic shots possible. you just need to experiment and get creative. i know that’s the most vague advice ever but really just try a new angle that you’ve never considered before and i bet you’ll get cool results. an interesting setting is also the biggest factor, because certain objects and their placements will give you interesting results.

i honestly want to print out your reaction pic to that one post and just hang it on my wall, put it in my heart locket necklace, stamp it on people's faces, start an email thread with it. i love it.

an add on to the last ask i sent about your reaction pic. i've been looking at it religiously since it was posted, and i dont regret a minute of it. LMAO I'LL STOP NOW.

SAKJDLJKGKSDAF STOPPPP LMAOOO i looked so ugly but that was my pure unadulterated reaction to that question and i trust you all to not judge my ugliness and instead share this reaction with me. i’m glad u liked it that much, i just printed it out and i’m cutting it into a small heart to put inside ur locket ok

everytime i hear cigarette daydreams by cage the elephant i think of a serious case of the novembers like its so fitting and then i get all emo when i listen to it lmao rip

OMMMMGGGGGGG YESSSSS how have i never made that connection before honestly. cage the elephant is one of my faves and i’ve seen them perform twice actually!! i’m watching the music vid for that song now and even that reminds me of my story ;-; i cry

thank you for sending this, and also i cry @ the fact that you used the actual title *dies* now this song is gonna make me emo til the end of time thx

i might sound like some crazy stalker fan but i just want to say you are so freakin awesome and nice and funny and cute and (i can go on forever) so caring! i love your blog so much and all the hard work and care you put into all your posts and followers. thanks for making my day and making me smile so much. you have no clue how much i look forward to seeing your posts and your hilarious hashtags and answers from asks and AMAZING story posts. im sorry i just wanted to let you know ur awesome ily

OFMG WHAT!!!!!! I AM ONLY AN EEL!!!!!! but no you don’t sound like a crazy stalker, i actually love this, you’re too sweet, thank you ;-; i’m just blushin so much reading this omg. YOU EVEN LIKE MY TAGS WOW that’s true love. ily ;-; <333

how do you get your sims' facial expressions to line up with your scenes? I feel like my sims' faces are never right :(

tbh i just use a lot of the same neutral poses...my go-to’s are @helgatisha‘s poses lol. they’re the easiest to work with when i do just plain talking scenes, and often i tweak my sims’ eyebrows and mouths with the liquify tool if i want them to look a bit more concerned, sad, mad, happy, etc., it works like a charm!! i also tend to play around with angles, you’d be surprised how much a different angle can enhance a scene.

Hey smol bean, I'm sent you an ask and now I feel bad that it probably made you feel anxious because you didn't answer it. It was the one about you not liking my posts, I have anxiety too so I'm sorry If I made you feel sad. I think I'm just looking for validation from people I look upto you get me? Anyway sorry again, don't worry about it! Love you!

hiya bb, i know you saw my answer to your original post (and i’m sorry it got some negative attention, i didn’t mean for that to happen by any means) anyway don’t sweat it, and i really appreciate this follow-up message. you didn’t make me feel sad, i just wanna know what i can do. it’s just a hard question y’know. i understand what you mean, i think everyone wants validation to some degree. tbh you can just come off anon and message me, i promise it’s not as nerve-wracking as it seems! ily

How did you make Santi's tattoos? I want some like that for my Sims but idk how to do it

boop

I HAVE A FEELING THAT MOLLY IS GOING TO DIE DURING THE BIRTH OF THE BEAN OR IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH HER STEPFATHER FINDING OUT ABOUT THE BEAN

WELP U WERE RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING

how did you make your characters page on your blog like that?

uoohhh like what?? i used this theme (monolog) if that’s what you mean aheh. here’s a guide on how to use custom page themes

okay so THIS IS MY THEORY: they might keep the baby and molly might actually carry it to full term, but then the kid dies in childbirth and either molly also dies or maybe kills herself or gets killed later? or maybe she's still alive but just won't speak to santi anymore cause she like can't look him in the eye after all of that or idk?? since ppl were sending theories i wanted to add mine lmao. another possible theory is that the stepdad finds out and kills her but thats TOO DARK omg

TOO DARK U SAY...WELL!!! it’s not AS dark as you guessed but only marginally

If Molly turns out to be alive and raising their kid alone (though from what I'm seeing in response to most questions I think that may not be the route) am I allowed to slap Santi (unless Molly didn't give him the option to help) because raising a child alone is not easy I've watched my mom do it for years.

YEAH i would give you permission to slap him lmao he would be a grade A piece o’ shit if that were the case. i would never ever write that tho because santi does own up to his actions if they’re that detrimental. his altruistic nature, no matter how backwards, would never allow him to do that.

There will be complication with the abortion so she will not be able to carry a baby anymore and she's going to kill herself OR her step dad is going to find out and he'll beat her to death. And in both situation Santi his blaming himself because he wasn't there at the right time... Okay I really really hope I'm wrong now !

I don't even follow your story very closely but every time I see your posts my heart hurts.

OMFG...that’s how u know the pain is real

but like wow my stuff is really so visceral that even my apathetic followers can feel the hurt...that’s real...that’s real my guy

omg!! you should 100% play or at least watch a playthrough of life is strange! legit the best game ever made, its so beautiful. the storyline kills you a thousand times over (much like your beautiful story) <3333

yaaaa i’ve heard lots of good things about it!! my bf played it actually, maybe he’ll revisit it again someday and i’ll watch him do it (i’m only a fan of video games if i can watch them like a movie lmao) thank you btw <3

I am shook and I worship you and your story and you are amazing WOW BYE

WORSHIP LMAO WHAT!!! PLS I AM UNDESERVING...ily tho don’t worship false gods

Do you let Molly and the younger versions of your characters frolic around your main save or do they have a separate one?

UM YES LMAO because i didn’t even know you could have separate saves until after i started the flashbacks lmao i’m...a noob. i don’t want separate saves anyway because 1) it’s too much of a hassle switching back and forth and 2) it gets too confusing for me and i’d be afraid of overwriting one save with another and NOPE too much anxiety for that soooo yeah there’s three santis in my game: child, teen and adult lmfao (fun fact: teen santi’s name is literally just Lil Santi)

I made it to my senior year with 6 A's and 1 B ... Be proud of me too? 😂 Lmao I told this to people and some of them were just like .. okay cool?! LMAO it's so funny but also kinda sad

I AM PROUD OF YOU TOO!!!!!!!!! my smart childrens

“okay cool” UM PLEASE that’s a feat...at my school if you got an A in a class in senior year you were allowed to be exempt from the final. so yeah that rules. ily

#nonsims #saviorhide #anonymous #THEY ARE DONE #FINALLY #EXCEPT WCIFS LOL DON'T...don't hate me #i try

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romancevsreality-blog · 8 years ago

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vanderpump rules, season five, episode thirteen: james needs his jacket, it’s gucci

We’re at Villa Blanca, the klassy older sister of Sexy Unique Restaurant and PUMP, where Lisa is having Tom and Ariana train another bartender on the cocktails at Sexy Unique Restaurant and PUMP. For real, though, these cocktails are 90% muddled and 10% sugar, it’s not impressive. Mostly the reason for this scene is to reveal that Tom is going with DJ James Kennedy, RIP, to hypnotherapy to see if James can learn to control his emotions.

This is Chekov’s Gun1.

James’ mom meets him at something Lounge, and we already know we’re in for a wild ride. James’ mom is... a handful2. James hasn’t been talking to his mom about what’s going on with him, and I can’t see how that’s a bad thing. He hadn’t told her he got fired from PUMP, and his mom is immediately disappointed. She boosts his ego, of course, and blames it all on jealousy - gross. He tells her he’s performing at the Redbury and that he’s going to be rapping, and I got nauseated. I’ve had five shots of espresso today and I’m pretty sure this is what’s making me sick. James’ mom loves Raquel, of course, because who doesn’t love a Barbie doll who never says anything? He brings up how Kristen is talking shit about him cheating - again, this isn’t exactly true, but still, neither of them have a leg to stand on there - and then James’s mom says something horrific.

Essentially, she says that Kristen is going to be barren as karma for her behavior.

Okay.

This is so fucked up for so many reasons: A) We really get a deep understanding of James’ hatred for women, because clearly it comes from his mother. B) This is so childish, wishing something like that on another woman. C) The apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it, James?

I can’t stand that woman, and I really can’t stand James for not recognizing how terrible she is.

Brittany’s mom is leaving! Oh no! I’m going to miss her 1996 Hard Candy frosted lipstick and hoop earrings. Brittany’s mom grills her about the things that were said at the Roast - namely, the cheating stuff. She really wonders if he’s not cheating, and still has other questions for him, of course. Jax gets home from Ralph’s with groceries, namely, “health food”. A few minutes later he’s talking about how the minute Sherri leaves he’s taking his pants off and eating hot wings on the toilet or something like that. I’m sorry, it’s hard to understand Latin3. Sherri brings up Jax being gay, and he denies it vigorously. He’s defensive, and he’s giving mad attitude to his girlfriend in front of her mother. Before he leaves, he again brings up “how much he’s given her” for the last year, and I roll my eyes. THAT’S NOT AN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR ATTITUDE, JAX.

He keeps saying he does “too much” for her, and he feels liks he’s not thankful for it and doesn’t let him do what he wants to do. The best part is that he tries to blame her behavior on “those girls”, i.e, Stassi et al, and Brittany’s mom shuts that shit right down and says she’s the same girl from Kentucky. See? Jax single handedly just proved that he thought she was going to be this nice Southern girl who was going to lay down and take it, and she’s certainly not.

Brittany is a fucking saint, damn it.

Apparently being Lisa’s assistant means helping her paint the VIP room lilac. Apparently “sexy rose” is just… lilac. No complaints on my end. Katie’s talking about some nonsense involving her wedding and then brings up Scheana telling her about how much her bridal shower cost. Even Lisa thinks that’s tacky and recommends she get involved in her bachelorette, otherwise it’ll probably be a mess.

Tom, Tom, Jax, and Ariana all go with their iced coffees to get suits - apparently this is the only thing Schwartz gives a shit about. He wants them in black suits and green ties to match his green jacket and black pants… is this Katie’s idea or Tom’s? ‘Cause I hate it.

The bridesmaids are at lunch, where Scheana gives Kristen her share of money for the bridal shower. Brittany brings up Jax’s behavior, and Stassi tells us she would prefer to be cheated on than have someone fight with her in front of her parents like Jax did. A-fucking-greed. They settle on New Orleans - VEGAS IS NOT AN OPTION - for the bachelorette/bachelor party. Scheana wants it to be a collaborative effort, but Stassi’s designated herself as Resident Trip Planner because… she’s from New Orleans. Scheana accuses Stassi of deciding she’s Maid of Honor despite being on the outs with Katie literally just a year ago. They talk about whether or not it would be awkward for Ariana, and... yeah, probably.

Katie’s at a flower shop with Lisa to look at flowers for the wedding. She wants to spend around $6000 on flowers alone, and I am hyperventilating. She talks about how Tom doesn’t want to spend that much money on pretty much anything wedding related, and Lisa basically says she’s tired of hearing about Katie and Tom’s issues with each other. They need to be a united front to face the world together, not apart. Lisa and Ken have been married for as long as Jax has been alive, so I would trust their word on that. I’m not one who believes in “marriage advice”, because everyone’s situation is different in minute ways but this is just good advice about partnership in general.

Lisa Vanderpump, Motivational Speaker.

Tom and James are getting ready to do hypnotherapy, and James is nervous, and skeptical. He’s not into the mumbo jumbo of crystals and stuff - of course Kristen is, though, I forgot about that - but he’s open to the idea. He doesn’t want to come across as a jerk and just wants to make music. I can’t even begin to describe this hypnotherapist, other than a Julianne Moore caricature on a Tina Fey TV show. Like, Julianne Moore would win an Emmy for playing this hypnotherapist. Anyway, James is cool if it doesn’t work, because he could use a nap anyway.

I hate agreeing with DJ Kames Jennedy!!!!!!!

Scheana and Ariana are at the stables, and we hear about Ariana’s horse, Raven, who she loved. I hate that it explains so much that Ariana is a horse girl, but I’m okay with it in this case. She’s not the worst horse girl I know. She tells us the sad story about her horse, and how it passed away when they were both 30 - I really loved this part of the story - and tells us about how it’s nice to feel supported and loved mutually. Ariana’s fucking great. We get to see her jumping and riding a horse, which is cool. Tom Sandoval shows up, and he claims that it worked for James. Scheana and I are skeptical4. Tom and Ariana are going to a painting class that was going to be a double date, but then Stassi is tagging along. Of course. Apparently, at that very moment, Schwartz and Katie are meeting to talk about their prenup. Scheana, of course, is against them, which says so much about her, and Ariana and Tom are pro. As am I - as a very emotional and vengeful person, I hate to think about the shit I’d pull if I didn’t have a prenup in my divorce. Decide that shit when you’re in love. You’ll be more generous. This is the smartest thing Katie and Tom have ever done.

The most irritating thing is straight off the back when Katie frames an argument of Tom spending $2,500 on a prenup while she’s spending $50,000+ on their wedding. Katie has $200 in the bank, and $4700 in the bank - and no retirement plan. Tom, apparently, has a laughably smaller amount than Katie in the bank. They decide to share custody of the dogs, and Tom complains that being an adult is not fun. Over splitting custody of dogs. Tom is terrible sometimes.

Scheana meets with Ellie, who I forgot about until just now. She tells her about the awkward exchange between her and James, and they decide to crash James’s performance to make him uncomfortable. Again, Chekov’s Gun. Then again, I don’t understand why Scheana feels the need to make James be “accountable for his actions”. She doesn’t even like him? Neither do Jax or Kristen?

Brittany and Jax go to dinner at 10e, which is a Meditteranean restaurant, and thus, neither of them know what to get5 They’re going to church, apparently, and Jax is uncomfortable. He has bad memories of church camp, and doesn’t get why they threw oil on him. I’m not religious, so I don’t know either. Brittany tells Jax about James’s set at The Study, and Jax is gleeful to the point where he can’t even say he won’t fight him.

Tom, Tom, Ariana, Katie, and Stassi are going to Paint ‘n’ Sip, which is one of those places where you get to drink and paint and one time I got blackout drunk on wine there. It’s a good time, I painted a Detroit skyline in the vein of Starry Night6.

Katie equates coloring to painting, and I’m insulted on behalf of Bob Ross. They’re two different things. You’re just a tracer, Katie. The trip to New Orleans comes up, and Tom Schwartz tries to smooth things over between Stassi and Ariana. Stassi is offended that Ariana doesn’t care about her, and Ariana doesn’t have a fuck to give either way, which comes across as condescending. Stassi has this idea that the opposite of love is hate, when the opposite of love’s indifference, and she can’t stand that. Sandoval points out that only you can control how you feel about someone, not how they feel about you, and Stassi cannot haaaandle it. She’s squirming. Ariana literally says "If I wanna be friends with her, then yeah, I'd give a fuck about her opinion,” and they’re shellshocked. The boys and girls are going to be separated on the trip, and Katie gets offended that Ariana isn’t going to be on the girls’ trip.

Uh, Katie? You’re the one who adamantly refused to put Ariana in your bridal party. Pick a fucking lane, dude.

We’re at The Study for James’... debut….as a rapper, god, I hated writing that so much. He’s pumped because he’s got people in his life there, but also, Scheana, Kristen, Jax, Carter, GG, Ellie, and Brittany are there, too! Apparently GG and Ellie are there to call James out, and Jax has an “interior” motive for being there. James is wearing an artfully purposefully ripped or a really worn-out t-shirt he got from his pot head old man roommate, I can’t tell. Tom Sandoval can smell blood in the water the minute Kristen arrives, because there ain’t no party like a Kristen party ‘cause a Kristen party gets someone punched in the face. Raquel, James’ girlfriend, introduces herself to GG, and says she doesn’t blame her for being obsessed with her boyfriend. GG says in response, and this is a direct quote:

“Isn’t it like, a quality of like, a Miss California to be like, feminism?”

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

I mean, the inherent sexism of pageantry aside, this is not even an english sentence. GG insists that Raquel is living in a dream world because that’s the only way James could ever be loyal to her. James comes over as Ellie is introducing herself to Raquel, and then GG also gives him his clothes that he left at her house back. I am such a fan of #pettyrevenge and this is Petty and Veronica, all the way. James says he would never have sex with her and calls her ugly whilst telling her to get out of his face. And then GG slaps him. Kristen and Carter watching gleefully, vodka soda in hand, and SCREAMS at Jax to pay attention, because they know Jax will jump at any opportunity to have a hand in James’s demise. GG continues to fight with James, and Tom Sandoval steps in with the best one liner of the night: “Go get a drink, you’re thirsty as fuck.”

Tom tells the truth: they’re just mad they slept with James7 and that he continually denies it, it never had anything to do with Raquel. For once, James actually isn’t the worst one. He’s still terrible for licking his hand and rubbing it on her face. Fuck you, James. James doesn’t look sober here, either. I doubt he is, I bet he’s hopped up on sizzurp because that’s considered sobreity on Bravo. He goes up to Jax, Kristen, and Carter, and sarcastically thanks them for coming to his show, and calls Kristen ugly. Jax throws his drink at James8, James throws something back at him, so Jax then just leaps on him and goes for the kill9.

Chekov’s Gun goes off.

Kristen tries to hold him back while James takes two people to be held back, and Kristen has him kicked out. James screams and calls them all losers, and Kristen is JOYFUL that she ruined James’ night and got him kicked out of the club. James calls Tom Sandoval’s friends lowlives to his face - he’s not wrong, but what a British way of putting it. He’s pissed at Tom, he’s pissed at Kristen, pissed at Jax. He blames it on jealousy, again - NOT YOUR NASTY ATTITUDE, JAMES? - and begs for his suit jacket as Raquel - who I realized is just wearing a t-shirt - escorts him away. Tom goes over to Jax and Kristen, who are clearly tweaking, and they get mad at him for defending James, but he’s mad at them for provoking him in the first place and then playing dumb, like they weren’t there to ruin his reputation again. Tom says he doesn’t have to be best friends with someone to see that they weren’t there for good reasons.

And he’s right.

Next Week: Jax learns who Givenchy is while they get dressed in drag, Raquel can’t trust James, Scheana screams at Katie for... probably being Katie, Ariana laughs at the idea that she could even like Stassi, and Tom and Baloney fight about Ariana and her attitude.

See you tomorrow for The Bachelor, hopefully? Yes. It’ll happen.

Random Thoughts from the Desk of Amanda:

That choker of Brittany’s is really, really bad where she’s wearing the teal dress. It looks like a fancy dog collar.

This whole James thing reminds me of Miami Girl all over again.

Did Jax correct his own grammar during his fight with Brittany?

Raquel really does sound like a goat.

Everyone’s face during James’s performance was gold. Especially Scheana, who was probably having flashbacks to her terrible performance of “Good as Gold”.

Subscribe to my podcast!

Chekov’s Gun is essentially the idea that if you place a gun in the first act, it must go off in the third. James’ anger must be essential, or it would not have been included in the story. STARTING OFF WITH A LITERARY THEORY, IT’S GONNA BE A GOOD ONE, Y’ALL. ↩︎

I’m pretty sure on Pumped Podcast (RIP) Kristen said that she stole her credit card to get Botox. ↩︎

Jax is so old he speaks a dead language. ↩︎

There is too much agreeing with people I hate in this episode. It needs to stop. ↩︎

I’m pretty sure that’s the first time Brittany’s ever seen the words “baba ganoush”. ↩︎

It hangs in my mom’s house. ↩︎

Seriously, he’s DNF List for sure. ↩︎

What is WITH these grown ass men throwing drinks on each other? ↩︎

I guess his probation is over. ↩︎

#vanderpump rules #lisa vanderpump #I FUCKING GOT A BLOG DONE ON TIME #I AM SO PROUD OF ME #i've also been up since like 6 am #there are so many horrible moments in this episode #it felt like classic vanderpump rules #chekov's gun

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ecotone99 · 5 years ago

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[RF] The Interfering Chaplain

A little tweaking of American history. The Washington family in this story are American royalty. My name is Martha Bell.

If this hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't have believed it. This chaplain I'll called him Daniel Brown didn't like another chaplain that my mother a civilian employee worked for. He didn't like our religious beliefs but it went way beyond this. I belong to the Church of the Christ Healers. Not exactly mainstream Christianity. Chaplain Mark Green was the chaplain for our church organization. Daniel Brown and some of the other Chaplains weren't very nice to my mother and Chaplain Mark Green. They barely spoke to my mom. Daniel Brown would say negative things to her. One time she came home in tears as Chaplain Brown said she didn't blame my father for leaving my mom as he would have left much earlier. He made sure that she was alone in her office when he said this to her. That way no witness and when he was mean to others, he denied it but there were some who saw thru him.

The military base was in Daytona Beach, well actually it was a naval base.

I would have to say for what he put up with, Chaplain Green was a saint and turned the other cheek when treated with disrespect. Always nice and respectful when he seldom got this in return from those in the military chaplain community.

I met Gary Bows when I was in 5th grade. He has just moved to town. His family background was rather troubled. His parents fought a lot and he sought refuge in my older sister's best friend home. He was always in trouble either with the teachers (can't tell you how many times he went to the principal's office and got paddled) and his parents. It had no effect on him. People in town said he was no good, nothing but trouble. He never was actually arrested which was a surprise.

He managed to graduate from high school (he was a year older than me). I dated someone else until my senior year when the guy I was dating went into the military and found another girl in Germany. I cried. I was working at the local Dairy Queen when Gary noticed that I was crying. I told him what happened and then I started to hang around him in secret but of course people found out.

My parents were appalled and tried to prevent us from seeing each other. Well I rebelled. The prom was held at the Contemporary Resort Hotel in Disney. Some people were allowed to have a motel room but I of course wasn't, but that didn't stop Gary from getting a room. We basically skipped the prom and spent most of the time in the room. He took me home at the correct time and then went back to the hotel and checked out of the hotel. This was April 13th, 1980.

Two days after graduation we got married and on January 13, 1981, I had twin daughters who were prom babies. The twins were born in Norfolk Virginia as Gary had enlisted in the navy. My mom called me to tell me that Chaplain Brown was leaving the Daytona Naval Base to points unknown. Unfortunately he was sent to Norfolk Virginia and Gary and I encountered him when we went to a Church Service. This man had made comments to my mom about our quickie marriage and what I had done is not something that a good Christian woman in a good Christian upbringing would do.

The twins were a little over a year old when I boarded the Amtrak train to come home to Florida. The marriage had failed. Growing up I was very pampered and didn't know how to cook and clean. Gary usually had to do the cooking and he was tired of having to do so. I tried to make some spaghetti and it was awful. Gary got angry and yelled at me. I yelled at him and then he picked up the spaghetti and threw it at the wall. Told me that I was a awful cook and was basically useless as a wife. He then went out to a strip club, got drunk and then got into a fight and was beaten up to the point where he ended up in the hospital for two days.

Chaplain Brown wrote me a scathing letter blaming me for the failure of the marriage and not being a good Christian wife. I was blamed for Gary's behavior at the strip club. He also sent the letter to the church that my family attended in Daytona. He also sent the letter to Chaplain Green, who already knew as my mom told him before the letter arrived. I didn't care as I trusted him. I was surprised that he never set a letter to Gary as he was very judgmental of him and his behavior.

At age 20, I was a divorced woman with two daughters who were a year and half years old. In my church I wasn't an outcast. People were sorry that the divorce took place but sometimes things don't work out.

Time went on. I went back to school and got a business degree. I was working as a civilian employee for the Pentagon when I met Brian Washington. He was related to George Washington. He was a good looking man. I was 25 years old and he was 29 years old. We started dating and soon enough the whole country knew. Unfortunately Chaplain Brown who was now President of the Military Chaplains decided to torpedo our relationship. We became engaged.

In the US, anyone marrying into the Washington family had to have the approval of Congress (House and Senate) before marrying. They could overrule the family or vote to overturn the approval. This had never happened. There was a Congressional hearing were people for and against me spoke. These had to be non-relatives and non-friends.

There were people in my church and Chaplain Green who spoke in favor of me. People in the Pentagon spoke for me. Then Chaplain Brown spoke.

"Martha Bell Bows is not suitable to marry into the Washington family due to her past. She's a divorced woman who has a past. I don't need to tell you what Gary Bows is like. Anyone in Daytona can tell you that he was a deeply troubled unstable person who has had alcohol and drug problems for years. He lives a very immoral lifestyle having influenced Martha's behavior. They had to get married due to pregnancy and this was the result of Martha sleeping with him on Prom night. This is someone from a Christian family doesn't do and certainly you would expect better."

Someone from the audience said, "And I suppose Chaplain Brown, no one from the fancy prep school that Brian Washington attended slept together or had sex on prom night. I guess they took care of things if they did."

The Chaplain looked flustered and couldn't say anything to the comment. Someone at the hearing told the audience not to talk during the hearing.

In two days I went in to a room where all of the Congress met and I was grilled. For a hour I was grilled about the prom night 1980. Highlights of the comments are as follows:

"Your daughters Tiffany and Amanda were born on January 13, 1981, is that correct?" said Congresswoman Nancy McGregor from Alabama.

"Yes, that is correct." I said.

"When was your prom and where was it held?

"Sometime in April. don't remember the exact date. It was the Contemporary Resort Hotel at Disney.

"Well, here's a program from your prom which was held on April 13, 1980 which would be 9 months exactly to the day. Where did this happened?"

"Actually Congresswoman McGregor, me and Gary did the deed on the dance floor and I lost my virginity with Micky and Minnie Mouse in attendance." I said sarcastically.

The whole gallery erupted in laughter and the Congressman had a look of shock and then disgust.

"No, Congresswoman McGregor, it actually was in a hotel room, but this is too much information already if you know what I mean. I've discussed in detail the day of the prom, what I wore to the prom, how long it took to drive from Daytona to Orlando, I've talked about it as much as I'm going to."

When asked about what she thought about Gary's new album which had a parental advisory on it, Martha said that wasn't her business. If she had a issue with it, then she needed to discuss it with him.

She asked me if Gary used drugs while in the military. I said no as this was the truth. Chaplain Brown who was sitting in the gallery said that I needed to be reminded that I was under oath. I told the Congress that Gary got an honorable discharge which was the truth.

Of course they brought up the strip club incident. Gary was cited for fighting but this was considered minor. His punishment was cleaning the showers for 2 months.

I was questioned about 30 minutes more and that was it. Nothing about my life post-Gary. Everything was about our relationship.

When I was walking out of the room, Gary came into the room. We made eye contact and then I left.

Gary was in a heavy metal band and had been voted People's most sexy male. Cheering and screaming girls could be heard in the background. They had only showed up after Gary arrived.

"Martha is a prim and proper woman. Very vanilla. Hardly how she's been depicted. She was pampered all of her life. Never cooked, cleaned or did stuff that other women did. I would get angry and frustrated with her because she had to learn these things. My mother was married at age 16 and knew how to do these things."

Congressman McGregor read the damning letter that Chaplain Brown wrote to the Congress and the Washington family urging the Congress to reject Martha and urging the Washington family to reconsider having her marry into their family. The Congresswoman asked Gary about the letter.

"Look, Martha and I were very young. She had just turned 18 and I was 19 years old when the twins were born. Chaplain Brown has it in for her and her family. He calls himself a Christian but doesn't act like one. I would like to know why he has attacked Martha for years. I know he doesn't like the church her family attends (he told me this as we as my ex-mother-in-law).

Gary realized he'd made a mistake talking about Chaplain Brown who used this as his pulpit to rail against Martha. Another group who were opposed to the marriage was the Parent advisory committee due to Gary's behavior.

A week later ABC News

"We begin with this evening with history in the making. In the 212 years of American History, History was made as the House and Senate of the US Government by a wide margin voted not to approve Martha Bows for marriage into the Washington family and when this happened the Washington family as directed by the Constitution discussed and then voted against overriding the recommendation of the Congress. It was very close vote and the tie breaker was the Speaker of the House Mark Jones who voted against accepting Martha into the Washington family. This has never happened before as there has never been a disagreement between the family and the Congress."

"We have just adverted a serious Constitutional Crisis which we were on the verge of, thank God." said Chaplain Brown.

A Constitutional Crisis that never existed, even top lawyers said this. Fake one, if you ask me.

You can't imagine the same, embarrassment and humiliation that I suffered especially when Brian said that it had been a mistake to be engaged to me. He never called me to tell me. I heard it on the TV. I refused to talk to reporters saying in a curt manner, "I have no comment."

The Pentagon let me take 2 weeks off to recover from what happened. Three months later, Brian marries the Speaker of the House's daughter. She was approved. Very little debate and she didn't have to reveal her life history like I did. I later found out that the Speaker of the House took advantage of the situation. I remember Brian telling me he really didn't care much for Jill Morris who was the daughter of the Speaker of the House. The marriage benefited the Speaker of the House's social position.

Within 3 years, the couple went thru a very nasty public divorce which literally shook the Congress to its very foundations. This is what the Chaplain Brown predicted would happen if Brian went against his family and married me. Constitutional Crisis which would be my fault. The Chaplain was very very quiet during this real crisis.

Life went on. I met a guy who was related to Benjamin Frankin. His name was Max Franklin. He was a really funny guy. His father Max Sr. was the governor of Delaware. No permission from anyone. We got married in 1990 at the Governor's mansion. It was televised.

Chaplain Brown had to put his two cents in stating well Delaware is a liberal state. What can you expect? I could laugh at his comments rather than getting angry, upset or in tears. Delaware has survived and we have been married near 30 years.

Chaplain Brown died about a year ago. I'm surprised that anyone went to his funeral. Jesus certainly wouldn't have treated me like this man did all because he didn't like the church my family attended.

submitted by /u/baronesslucy [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2Sq9041

#Blogger #Story

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socialattractionuk · 5 years ago

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Muslims share their worst Muzmatch and Minder dating stories

Strap in, you’re in for a ride (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

We’ve shared plenty of horror stories from Tinder where we’re certain all the cringe-worthy matches are trolling us (are you really six feet though, are you?).

But there’s no shortage of Bad People over on religious-based apps either.

Muzmatch and Minder are two of the leading ‘halal’ sites for Muslim courtship but as with their secular counterparts, there’s a lot of separating the wheat from the chaff.

Many use the app with the intention of finding someone to marry but sharing the same religion doesn’t cut down on those painfully awkward conversations.

And not everyone from the app is even Muslim (some fetishise the group).

There are plenty of success stories but they’re no fun, so we bring you some of the weirdest, most bizarre and nonsensical experiences from the different platforms.

Expect sex, hacking, catfishing and all the good stuff (with a few screenshots of the painful conversations).

The one who doesn’t want to match with journalists

Maliha*

One guy was an IT tech and he wanted to marry me but when I rejected him, he hacked my account and I never got it back.

Sadia

Because I am visibly a Muslim, I get the fetish freaks. Most guys would tell me their sex fantasies. I never asked for it but it would just happen

I was very naive at first, and I had one guy ask me to send him pictures of my feet and he would go on and on about how he wanted to massage them.

More: Film

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Muslims share their worst Muzmatch and Minder dating stories

Adam

We met online, chatted, exchanged messages and phone calls, arranging to meet. Ten minutes before the meeting, she cancelled the meeting saying something urgent has come up.

So I decided to meet up with my friends for dinner. When we arrived at the restaurant, she was having dinner with another guy. She saw me but there was no acknowledgement made. I unmatched her.

Hanna

One guy wrote me a schedule of what he expected a wife to do sexually. It basically said I had to give him a blow job for breakfast and sex minimum three times a day. He said I needed to tend to his needs.

The one who wondered whether a nikah (Islamic marriage) counts as a marriage

Hira

I met someone who suggested that we were in our forties and therefore needed to ‘f*ck’.

Danyal

We exchanged a few messages online and ended up having an argument over text messaging and both agreed it was not going to work.

Three weeks later our friends suggested a blind date. We met up and got along, not realising we’d argued badly on the app.

We eventually got together and started planning for our wedding. One day we were talking about our ‘bad experiences on apps’ and discovered we had previously unmatched each other.

Tania

This guy kept telling me about his sexy grandma and his sexy mum. He then proceeded to ask for pics of me with my mum. That f*cked me up. He would say stuff like ‘you can cuddle my mum while I cuddle yours’.

The mother lover

Jennifer

A decade ago I tried a Muslim matching site. To be considered as a member there were some questions to answer before you were approved. My answers included my love of Islam as a western environmentalist and feminist, and that I would like a husband who really grasped the green nature of the religion.

I got a reply a few days later. A rejection. I was told it was a serious site and that I shouldn’t be playing around.

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Eliza

There was one guy I was talking to and he was sad because another girl he liked didn’t want to marry him.

He told me she was talking badly of him and to report her Snapchat account. Me being nosy, I messaged her to ask about him. She said she met up with him and saw the print of his manhood print [in his trousers] and wasn’t pleased.

He ended up sending naked pictures to her to justify his size and she complained to me that he didn’t live up to the size she was used to – astaghfirullah (seeking forgiveness from God).

Waj

We met on Muzmatch and exchanged messages, then texts and phone calls and then arranged to meet. He lived in Liverpool and I lived in London but he agreed to come down.

We had lunch together, and he asked me to cover the bill as he had travelled to London to see me, so I did. Later that evening I sent him a message saying it was not going to work out and wished him all the best.

A few days later, I received a payment request via PayPal for £60. The request was from the Liverpool guy saying: ‘Please pay the cost of travel as we are not compatible.’

The one who pretended to be famous singer Chris Sails who has one million followers on Instagram

Kaltun

I thought he was nice so we exchanged numbers. He wanted to speak on the phone but I said I don’t have any privacy.

I found him a bit annoying and clingy so I said ‘sorry I’m not giving you the effort that you want so I think we shouldn’t talk anymore’ and he goes ‘that’s a first’. I’m happy to be the first girl to reject you then, lad.

A week later, he asks if we can ‘start again’, stating he’s deleted all girls off his phone, (okay?) so I give him a chance.

I send voice notes and tell him to send some, but he says ‘he’s too manly’ (for voice notes?)

I’ve had enough at this point so I block him but then he adds me on Snapchat because he couldn’t handle the rejection or some psychological sh*t.

Anyway, I’ve blocked him everywhere now so I’m safe. He gave off clingy vibes, no thanks.

*All names have been changed and picture credits omitted to preserve anonymity.

MORE: Muslim men explain why it’s difficult to find a partner to marry

MORE: Muslim women explain why it’s so hard for them to find a partner

MORE: How Muslims date in the age of Minder

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imeet-com · 6 years ago

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Why Doesn’t He Like You Back? 11 Reasons You’re Not a Match

Asking yourself why doesn’t he like you back? If it’s been a while since you last dated, you might not realize the 11 reasons why you simply aren’t a good match. Read on to find out what is preventing him from liking you and why you need to move on.

Does He Like Me?

When you start seeing someone new, waiting to find out if he likes you back can be so difficult. The same is true for just having a crush or meeting a man once and wanting more. it takes two to tango, so you NEED to know if he’s interested.

And when it becomes obvious that he’s not interested, the painful questions begin. First you want to know why doesn’t he like you back? You’re attractive, smart, fairly fit, easy to talk to, so what gives? What could he possibly want that you don’t have?

You might never discover exactly why you weren’t the one for him, but I can give you 11 reasons why he might have chosen to keep looking. Some are about him and some are about you and how you interact with him right from the start.

1.You’re Not His Type

People look for different qualities in a date. That’s why it stands to reason you won’t be the woman for every man – in the same way all men aren’t right for you. You get that right? Sometimes you’re just not a good fit and there’s nothing you can do about it.

2. You Make It Too Easy

I’m sure you’ve heard about playing hard to get. There’s definitely truth to this strategy with men. I’m not saying you need to be impossible to get together with – that can turn a man off fast. But a little resistance makes you a challenge and interesting.

And that’s why when you make things too easy for him it’s a turn off. Maybe this will help you understand this. Most women complain about men who are too nice. You’ve probably met a man like this yourself. And his over-eagerness to please turns you off. He’s too easy so there’s no mystery if he likes you, no excitement and no sexual chemistry.

So, when you change plans at the very beginning of dating to make yourself available or let him know any day of the week is free for him, what’s the fun of that? It appears you have nothing else going on in your life and you end up looking DESPERATE.

Don’t serve yourself up to him on a silver platter making it too easy. Offer one or two nights you are free and let him make other suggestions if those don’t work with his calendar.

3. He Has Unreasonable Standards

Anyone can be guilty of this. When your standards are too high, you could easily end up single. That goes for men as well who might not be realistic with the qualities they seek. For all you know, the man you met, dated or want to meet is ridiculous with his demands for the right woman.

So, if he passes you by thinking the perfect woman will be next, it’s his loss. If you’re wondering why doesn’t he like you back, this is a man not to bother with.

4. You Got Friend Zoned

It happens for a variety of reasons – sometimes you end up in the friend zone. Perhaps you sound too much like one of the guys. Perhaps you seem competitive with him. Or maybe you remind him of someone else.

How you end up there doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you’re not going to get out of the friend zone and will need to move on. When asking why doesn’t he like you back, appealing to him only at the friend level is a problem.

5. He’s Not Sexually Attracted

Either a man finds you sexually attractive or he doesn’t. There are only two choices which means if it turns out he doesn’t find you attractive, there’s not one darn ting you can do about. As the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger says, “The penis does the picking.’

With women, we’re different. With time, attraction can grow as a man does something sweet or endearing or he just treats you so well you can’t help but feel his magnetic charm affecting you. I’ve seen this happen over and over again.

One of my clients wanted nothing to do with bald men. Then we talked about it, she went out with a bald guy and fell in love! He had so many of the qualities she wanted she found a way to see past his lack of hair to see the amazing gentleman he really was. But, sorry, this doesn’t work with men.

6. He’s Not Ready

Sometimes a man is just not ready for anything serious. He can sense you are, or he listens when you tell him, so he figures you won’t be open to something casual. Honestly, this is for the better. The last thing you want to do is date a man, fall in love hoping he’ll change and want a serious relationship. Why – because that doesn’t happen.

If a man comes right out and tells you, “I’m not looking for anything serious” or “I need my space but am willing to get to know you,” these are strong signals he doesn’t want a relationship. As a woman who values herself, it’s up to you to believe his honesty, know you can change him and move on. Women who don’t do this are left confused about why doesn’t he like you back.

7. You’re Not Compatible

You might meet a man you’re into, but he sees something in you right away that tips him off how you’re not compatible. A quality man is not going to hang around and waste your time or his. He’ll just move and not call again.

This can be true even if it seems you both hit it off. Or he might text you for a while because you’re fun and have a quick wit. But, he’ll honor his assessment of you and not ask you out again.

8. He’s Into Another Woman

When you are using online dating sites and the apps, you are both meeting and dating several candidates at the same time This is to be expected and appropriate. The relationship begins once he asks if you want to be exclusive or you bring it up and he agrees.

That’s why it’s possible he’s already met a woman he likes, but is still checking out other options. Women do the same thing right? This is normal for the early stages of dating and certainly explains the question, “Why doesn’t he like you back?”

9. You’re Trying Too Hard

Maybe you’re tired of being alone and dating and you just want to find the right guy already! Sometimes, being over anxious does come across as trying too hard. It’s very bit as unappealing as making things too easy for him.

Trying too hard can include too much eye contact on a date, too much head-bobbing agreement, or laughing too hard at his jokes. Other possibilities are texting too much, asking him to call you, or coming up with numerous suggestions on what you can do together. This is also similar to coming on too strong.

The best strategy is to simply relax and see what happens. Don’t push it. Hang back to see what he does to win you over and spend time with you. That’s how you know he’s interested – not from his texts or what he says.

10. You’re Divergent on Religion and Politics

Right now in the USA, our politics are highly polarized. This is why I strong urge you not to discuss politics at all. You can post your preferences in your profile – that’s the perfect way to let someone know which side you are on.

However, even if you are on the same side, talking about politics is NOT romantic. The same thing is true about religion. If you’re wondering why doesn’t he like you back after discussing either topic, now you know why you didn’t get a second date – or maybe a first!

11. You’re Too Sexy

There are men today who are still conservative and want a “good woman”. So, if you happen to be a sexy babe and dress less conservatively, you might turn off a small segment of single males. This is especially true for religious men or men who were brought up with strong religious ties, even if they no longer participate.

You could tone down your style. Or you could admit that you can’t appeal to everyone and be who you are! If you chase away a religious man because of your cleavage or tight pants, then he wasn’t the right man for you any way.

Signs He Doesn’t Like You Back

And there you have it – 11 startling, yet common answers to the question, “Why doesn’t he like you back?” The best thing you can do when looking for the right man for lasting love is not get hung up on some guy you’ve just talked or texted with, or only had a handful of dates. Learn how to let it go and stop driving yourself crazy.

The truth is even if you asked him directly, he wouldn’t tell you the truth. And he might not even be able to articulate why you weren’t the one for him. There’s no way to change this fact so drop it. Then move on and meet some new men so you CAN find the right one. He’s out there if you keep your eyes, mind and heart open.

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fictionchronicler-blog · 8 years ago

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Governess as Heroine

NOTE: Illustrations and gifs are not mine.

“May we read the selected works of Edgar Allan Poe please? I’ll be ever so good!”

“It’s 6pm. I get off at 8. Yeah. Mom and Dad will deal with the nightmares.”

It's a staple of Victorian life and nowadays a job title that implies magical shenanigans will follow—the governess. The 1851 England Census listed a whopping 25,000 women employed as governesses, women hired to teach the children of a household and see to their educational and moral needs, not to be confused with a nanny or nurse, who handled babies. One of the only ways a woman could support herself in Victorian times, real-life governesses are a regular who's who of famous people—Marie Curie, Mary Wollstonecraft, and all three Bronte sisters (Emily, Charlotte, and Anne).

Public schools and the ever-increasing demands of education have almost made the in-home governess obsolete, and yet stories still abound featuring a governess as the main character in every genre from horror to family musical. Why? I started thinking about this, and you know the face I make when the idea for a meta comes along.

The deranged hair, too.

So get ready for another history lesson that looks back at the position of the governess and the impact it has on pop culture.

Not Wanted: Plucky Heroine

Our image of a governess is probably a young woman, attractive, but not in a threatening or overly sexy way, teaching three or four precocious Victorian children in a cozy school room, bringing some whimsy into their otherwise repressed lives.

We know now that the Victorians weren't quite as stuffy as they presented themselves as (someday I will do a Top 11 Why Victorians Were Messed Up list), but they really liked acting like they had no more pressing obligations than letter-writing or, if they were feeling athletic, fox-hunting. I mean, these were people that hosted parties where unwrapping an honest-to-god mummy was the main event. They were not about hard labor in the slightest. Naturally, just as the lady of the house was not expected to do the cooking or the cleaning, she was not expected to take it upon herself to educate her own children. The family would therefore have to hire out, looking for an unmarried woman to educate the girls and the small boys (most boys went to a boarding school around 8).

Governess: You two! Go to the schoolroom and let your mother take her snuff in peace!

Mom: You’re hired!

How it would work is that mom and dad would put an advertisement in the newspaper to specialist employment agencies and girls schools. The governess would be expected to teach the three Rs of reading, writing, and arithmetic (and you have already failed as an applicant if you put “reading, riting, and rithmetic” on your application), as well as the “accomplishments,” which were the arts like foreign languages, painting (girls on watercolors only, oil's too manly), and the musical instruments of either the piano or the guitar because girls craning their necks or blowing into things is just a little too unseemly. They would also cover a little history and “use of globes” (what I am presuming is very rudimentary geography). A governess also had to set the moral example to the children since she would spend the most time with them. She had to share the same religious beliefs as the family, so hiring a Catholic governess in England at the time was pretty much out of the question. Also, it was an unwritten rule that you should hire a “plain” girl, lest the young men of the household become interested in slumming it.

“This sounds snooty. Why would anyone do this?”

Well, women didn't have a lot of choices in the early 19th century. The Napoleonic Wars had rendered Europe economically unstable, and that's just bad news for the middle class. A boy could quit school at 15 and go into a trade without upsetting the family since it was always assumed he could earn whatever they had spent on his education and his family didn't have to support him. A girl, though, could really only go into teaching or get married if she didn't want to be a burden to her parents. Since being a governess meant you lived in somebody else's house and ate food you didn't have to buy or prepare yourself, that was a lot better than taking a hit to your dignity and becoming a laundress.

If you met all these requirements, had nothing in your background that would make you seem to be anything less than a pillar of piety, and the family liked you, you would be hired on to teach their kids and follow their household's rules.

Sometimes that included going along with your Henry VIII delusions.

Constant OTJ Training

So now you're a governess, and you're going to learn pretty quickly that you're in for a lonely life with only rich people's kids for company. If you've ever watched the E! Entertainment Channel, you know where I'm going with this. Hint: you're not in for a lot of stimulating conversation and valid friendships.

Because most governesses came from middle class backgrounds in which they were educated, they were considered higher than most of the other service staff in the house. Cooks and maids were told to be deferential to the governesses, as well as the male equivalent, the tutor. And yet, you also weren't part of the family. You teach and entertain the kids all day long, but you don't get to sit down with them for dinner, for example.

“So who do you eat with?”

The mice in your school room, gentle reader. The mice in your school room. Depending on what genre of fiction you are in, you can make these mice your friends and sing to them about hoping for better days, or you can follow one up to the attic and find a dead body. Yes, the school room usually doubled as a sitting room for the governess, meaning that's where she was to hang out in the evenings after hours.

Naturally, this kind of lifestyle doesn't lend itself to forming relationships, at least not with adults.

“Couldn't you just invite the governess next door over for recess or something? Play date?”

Maybe, but if you were on a nice estate, the next-door neighbor was probably half a mile away or more, and if you are watching a lot of kids, you might need the carriage, which the dad has taken into town to talk with other dads about business and how silly ethnic people are while sipping brandy, so that's out. If the family had a party, you were not invited to attend since it was your job to keep the kids in line. Worst of all, even if the family was outwardly nice to you, you were being watched like a hawk.

Lady McHighpants: (offscreen) Sir McHighpants! Miss Drab is crying at the pianoforte because no one wanted to participate in music time! Shall I have the lash to whip her hands for displaying such vulgar emotions in public?

Sir McHighpants: (offscreen muttering) Business things, business things, business things...

Remember, sexual harassment awareness was not a thing, and you're in a very Madonna/Whore society where you need to live up to men's expectations of a woman being pure and saintly at all times. A book out there called Letters to a Young Governess instructed women on how to behave in order to keep their jobs and included this little gem:

“…if there are young men in the family where you reside, remember that your carriage will generally govern theirs; they will not presume, if you are discreet and unpretending.”

What this means is that if they made your life miserable, if they made personal remarks and you retaliated in any way, if they groped you, if they put you in a compromising position in any way, it was your fault. And if you were fired for this, you wouldn't get a job elsewhere because now you're a harlot. Anne Bronte entered the world of the governess in 1839 and eventually wrote an entire novel about her mistreatment in the field. Agnes Grey depicts children who torture animals, lie, steal, and are generally unruly. The parents blame the governess, of course, as she has not established control. On top of this is the wretched loneliness and lack of financial success. Anne Bronte ended up never being a governess anywhere longer than five or six weeks as a result. Things only got worse as she found a position for a male friend as a tutor who eventually had an affair with the lady of the house. That went about as well as you would think, and the poor guy became a drunk.

Original Stories From Real Life was a 1791 children's book by Mary Wollstonecraft about two girls and their fictional governess Mrs. Mason. It is rare in that it champions the role of the governess. Mary and Caroline, the two sisters, are orphaned and left to their governess, who slowly rids them of all their faults, the lesson being that proper education and care can create the balance between logic and emotions necessary for children to become rational, charitable adults. It's as dry as it sounds, but William Blake did the illustrations, if that helps.

Note this governess isn't the dark prude in the other paintings, but rather more like an angel, with her two devoted disciples on either side revering her.

“Sure they aren't just coveting that really sweet bonnet?”

I'm sure. Of course, this was 1791, though, and Mary Wollstonecraft was kind of a controversial figure, what with wanting women to be seen as equal to men and all. By the 1830s and on, governesses were painted in shadow, wearing drab, mournful clothing, and sort of being the buzzkill.

So it was a low-paying, tedious job that was mentally taxing and isolating, not to mention thankless.

When a governess' services were no longer required, she could stay on and be hired by one of the girls as a companion (read: ladies maid) or find another family. The loneliness of the job continued into middle age, however, due to most of the men a governess would come into contact with were of the upper class and wouldn't be interested in a woman considered beneath their class. So marrying out of the job was rare. Also, since it was low-paying and required a few moves, many were impoverished by the time they reached middle age, the Governesses Benevolent Institution set up in 1841 to at least ensure these women got a pension.

Jane Eyre and a Rather Angry Fantasy

Rochester: Is this what existence is, Jane?

Jane: That’s the dog, sir.

The most famous fictional governess may very well be Jane Eyre, the titular heroine of Charlotte Bronte's 1847 classic. Jane Eyre could be its own college course, so it will be a challenge for me to keep it concise and applicable to our topic. The basic plot is that Jane grows up in a school from hell and instills in her two conflicting longings for kinship and independence (she's a passionate, thoughtful type). Can she gain purpose and love without sacrificing her integrity and who she is at her core? Thornfield Hall may provide the answer as she becomes a governess to Edward Rochester's French ward Adele. Rochester is a little weird—okay, he's very weird—but he falls in love with Jane, she falls for him, and that's only about halfway through the book. I can't tell you the big twist or how it's resolved, but the whole thing is very Gothic and you've got disembodied voices on the moors, beds on fire, out-of-nowhere family members—the whole thing's an intellectual trip.

Okay, now, first of all, Jane Eyre received very mixed reviews from both men and women. Those who hated it despised the idea of Jane not fitting the mold of the Victorian heroine. Most heroines in the time period were completely self-sacrificing and passive, being the moral inspiration for the rest of their family members and basically being beautiful, sweet angels rather than characters. If your heroine was smart and capable, she was also most likely an old maid, like Marion in The Woman in White. If the heroine had any sexual side at all, she was presented as a tragic figure like Nancy in Oliver Twist or Tess in Tess of the D'Ubervilles.

Jane was a more well-rounded character, very headstrong and independent, a firm believer that women should not be forced into the domestic life; this is fitting since Charlotte Bronte hated being a governess. But Jane also craves companionship. She is “plain and little,” a stark contrast from the unbelievably beautiful heroines who would always wind up just a wife, usually to a man not worthy of her. Jane, however, wants an equal, someone who will love her for who she is rather than what society has prescribed them to view her as.

Rochester: I've been standing in this position for hours waiting for you to come by.

Jane: I work here. And live here.

Rochester: Ah, Jane. There's that wood sprite's wit I so love. (seriously, read the book. He says things like this)

From a governess' perspective, this is both a fantasy and also perhaps a cautionary tale. While Jane is happy at Thornfield Hall and rather lucky to have a friend in Mrs. Fairfax, a well-behaved kid in Adele, and an employer that, well, doesn't think she sucks, she feels something is missing. She and Rochester are intellectual equals, but her low income and inability to properly socialize with the other women who visit keeps her at a lower status. She has to actually ask for money to be able to travel to visit her own family (even though they're assholes and she's only going out of obligation), and, since she is reserved about this kind of thing, Rochester sort of one-ups her whenever he can to get some kind of rise out of her, to include dressing up like an old gypsy woman at his own party. If you're like me, that's when he stopped being fun and a few red flags went up. So while Jane has meaningful relationships, she knows deep down she still isn't being all she can be.

I say it's a fantasy also, because, well, remember what I said everyone was afraid governesses would do with the men in the house?

Reenactment

The idea of your male boss falling in love with you might be flattering, hot, and an easy way to worm your way into high society if he's a widower, but no one would turn a blind eye to this kind of thing. Marriage was big news, especially when it came to the upper crust. There would be no way a rich gentleman could marry a governess and not cause a scandal.

“It's not exactly smooth sailing in the book, what with uninvited guests and what's in the attic.”

Well, Jane also discovers that having only independence and moral superiority is no life for her, either, as it deprives her of love and passion. Between a rock and a hard place, am I right? If you hooked up with a man in the household, odds are he was just using you, would brag to his friends, his parents/wife would find out, and then you'd be kicked out with no references or nest egg for these rainy-day occasions.

Jane Eyre was written at a time when a lot of what was considered common knowledge was seriously being questioned. Were women really better suited for the domestic stuff because of biology? Could the bumps on your head really give insight to your inner character? Are crazy people actually sick and in need of help? And, should we really be treating our governesses like crap when they have already suffered so much?

“Being a Governess Sucks” Lit

As people began valuing education more, the role of the governess changed from Debbie Downer to just an unfortunate turn of events for your average young woman. Little Women, Emma, and Vanity Fair all have characters who either hate being a governess or hate the idea of needing to become one. The latter, in fact, is kind of a humorous take on every respectable aristocrat's worst nightmare of a bitch in governess' clothing swooping in and just taking over. Becky Sharp, you magnificent bastard! I've read your book!

In 1898, Henry James decided that the loneliness and potential powerlessness a governess could have would be an excellent fit for a different genre of literature—horror. “The Turn of the Screw” is one of the best novellas EVER and has been adapted into one of the best horror movies period, The Innocents. This governess doesn't even get a name, and we don't even get a full picture of what's going on since this is one of those frame stories where someone else is narrating to us what happened to someone else. Is this a case of an unreliable narrator? Is the governess cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs? Are the kids possessed? Are the kids just clever little shits? We don't know!

The story is that a governess has been hired to care for a man's nephew and niece, Miles and Flora, the former having just been expelled from school for talking to the other boys about some very inappropriate things. The governess learns that their former governess and the gardener had a relationship, were jerks, spent a lot of time with the kids, and are both dead. The kids start acting weirder, the governess starts acting paranoid, and I can't even tell you the strangest stuff because that would be giving away spoilers.

You ever watch an old movie and think the set would be the perfect haunted house? And then come to find out it actually MIGHT be a haunted house? Welcome to The Innocents, folks. Popcorn and adult diapers both strongly recommended.

The film version spells things out just a little bit more than the story, but it in no way gives the viewer a clear answer that explains what is happening, if this is a haunting, a possession, or people losing their minds. Either way, the governess (played by Deborah Kerr, who we will also talk about later) is in way over her head here. That's the thing. Somewhere along the line, men decided that two things were incredibly easy—house cleaning and child care, and if you've ever had to do either, you know how wrong that is. But no, from the Victorian period on, there have been slogans for newfangled appliances being “So easy a woman can do it,” moms doing chores in their pearls, and cartoon animals helping out with dishes and sewing. Somewhere along the line, someone decided that people who look after children can work long hours and be given only the thinnest shred of authority, and yet pay them very little for it. This woman has no resources. She has an illiterate servant who can give her back story, but that's about it, the uncle she was attracted to at the beginning won't answer her letters asking for advice, and there aren't that many neighbors around. And when kids decide they're not going to listen to you, they're not going to listen to you.

One has to wonder if the story would be a little more clear-cut if it wasn't a governess in the position. If it was someone with a job that usually inspired images of competence and intelligence, like a doctor, would we be more inclined to think the events were real and not just someone going crazy?

“Um no, Deborah Kerr was a little off her rocker before even showing up to the house.”

Very true. The ambiguity is tantalizingly frustrating, and the movie just adds so much atmosphere that it's impossible not to watch it while on the edge of your seat. I don't think I'm spoiling anything, but here is an image of her seeing one of the supposed ghosts:

The black and white doesn't diminish the terror at all. Look how ambiguous and shadowy that looks! And there is this really neat scene where Flora insists she doesn't see the woman all in black staring them down across a field...

“It's governess vs. governess!”

That's another thing to touch on. Miss Jessel, the deceased governess, is implied in a few places to have taken part in things with the kids present that kids really shouldn't be present for, if you get my drift. Was she as depraved in life as she's purported to have been? Or was this a lonely, desperate woman who either sought out companionship or was forced/manipulated into something? How much do the kids actually know? Because they talk and carry themselves like little adults, let me tell you. You will not find creepier kids who do so little to come across as creepy. Any other scary-movie child seems to be putting an effort into it whereas it just comes that naturally to these two.

So this is kind of a worst-case scenario for the life of a governess?

“She gets plagued by ghosts???”

No, she has children with issues that extend well outside her expertise, has no support system to help her cope with that or help the children at all, and ends up suffering the consequences of said issue worse than anyone else. If Anne Bronte had little psychopath kids in her care, then others did, too, and if the parents wouldn't do anything and you have no friends to help you, you have one of two choices—quit your job and start worrying about how you will eat, or put up with it until something really bad happens.

Weapons of Magic or Song (Sometimes Both!)

Into the 20th century, people valued education more than ever before and began respecting educators more for it, although female teachers were still seen as intellectually inferior to men since they only taught little kids while men were learned professors. Oh, add another thing to things men think are easy—house cleaning, child care, and teaching little kids the right way to hold a pencil.

There was a resurgence of the governess as a heroine in the late 40s that extended well into the 60s, a time when people wanted more conservative messages and clearly-defined heroes and villains in their stories, but also when people were challenging the establishment. Rodgers and Hammerstein were those people. Their musicals might have some whimsy to them, but they deal with some very real subject matter, like Carousel addressing domestic abuse and South Pacific dealing with racism.

In 1951, they adapted the memoirs of Anna Leonowens into their stage musical The King and I, which became a movie in 1956. The real Anna did indeed go to Siam (now Thailand) to teach King Monkut's 39 wives/concubines and 82 children, keeping a correspondence with Prince Chulalongkorn, the heir to the throne, well into his adult years. However, there probably wasn't as much sexual tension in real life, King Mongkut known to regard Anna as difficult to work with, and since he was known to be a laid-back, nice guy, most Thai people find Yul Brynner's eccentric, temperamental performance offensive.

Once again, this is kind of a fantasy playing out. Anna, in the story, gains some political clout, is yet another governess who has the head male of the household crushing on her, and miraculously gets 82 kids to not only sit still, but participate in musical numbers.

But on the other hand, The King and I deals with culture clash, sexism, and racism. Anna and the King engage in as much sexual tension-laden situations as Jane and Rochester, but his inner conflict with sticking to tradition vs. branching out makes it an impossible relationship. Anna herself is portrayed almost without flaws, the epitome of grace and mental/emotional resolve, very similar to Disney's Belle. The Asian characters, well, most are portrayed sympathetically and the King and the supporting players are three-dimensional characters, so that's pretty progressive for 1951. Again, though, this is kind of an angry fantasy as Anna is influential and gets to go on this amazing adventure, but the women who would ordinarily be her peers are her students, there is a ton of pressure on her as the only representative of Western thought and ideals (that is portrayed as superior in most productions), and she and the King can never really act on what's sizzling between them.

So is this what the life of a governess is, wherever she may go, always stuck in an odd place between progress and repression?

Rodgers and Hammerstein made a governess their main character again in 1959 with a little show of theirs called The Sound of Music, in which yet again a real-life governess' life is slightly fictionalized. Again, a woman is brought in to teach a brood of kids (“only” seven this time, though), clashes with the dad, and ends up a heroine in a oppressive society. It's a little more in-your-face than The King and I, which purposely kept things vague or only in subtext, when your governess is pitted against freakin' NAZIS.

Maria's more free-spirited answer to goose-stepping was doing the Charleston in floral-print

Maria is an interesting character mainly because she's a slightly more somber free spirit type. She could fit right in with Lucy Ricardo or in a Katharine Hepburn screwball comedy, but she has an intensely spiritual side and can be both well-spoken and passionate when sticking up for her beliefs. She can relate to the children so well because she too knows what it's like to feel you're not good enough when you're a vivacious, outgoing person in a restrictive society that demands you be something you're not, and it's this refusal to just shut up and color that attracts Captain von Trapp to her in the first place.

“Where's MY brooding, handsome single dad who will eventually come to learn life lessons from ME?”

Alas, it's a lot more common for women to inspire men morally in fiction than the other way around, and this does seem to be becoming a trope, doesn't it—the governess having a relationship with the dad. It doesn't seem to end well in real life (see Jude Law and a couple of other celebrities), but these movies rarely focus solely on how the governess impacts the children, and she NEVER influences the mother, if there even is one. It's always the dad, and maybe that's just because most of us are suckers for a good romance, but there has to be more to it than that.

Cuz so many single dads out there really dig the top-button, long-sleeved governess apparel. Rrooowr.

Captain von Trapp's back story is that he was a Navy man and a musician in his spare time, but when his wife died and left him with seven kids, he decided no music and more marching would be his parenting style. Maria, who by now has struck up a strong bond with the kids, chides him for not being emotionally available to his kids, and it's when he hears them sing—which she taught them to do—that he realizes she was right. Now, fortunately the musical doesn't drag this out for longer than it has to and the couple will soon have Nazis to worry about, but what is the fantasy here? Did governesses desire marriage, and, if so, did they desire a marriage to their employer?

There's really no way to find out, but I can see it both ways. On the one hand, marriage was a viable way to escape bad situations back in the day. It's similar to the Cinderella situation. You're trapped in a miserable life until a guy with the right resources volunteers to take you away from it. Cinderella doesn't want to go to that ball so badly just because of plot reasons; she's looking for a way out of her terrible family life and has run out of all other options. A governess didn't meet that many men, she didn't have many friends, and if the strongest relationships she formed were with the kids that she was already mothering a lot more than their biological mother was, maybe it's not too much of a leap to assume that, if the dad was single, he might marry her and make her lady of the house so she is doing the same job of nurturing the kids she already loves, but now with the added perks of financial security and adult companionship.

But, then again, I'm certain just as many of these bosses were jerks and there is no way in hell the governess would want anything to do with them. There is that cliché of liking the bad boy so you can be the one that changes him, but...

Governess: Mister Smith, young Master Winthrop had these matches in his pocket.

Mister Smith: Goodness gracious, Miss Governess! How dare you stifle and coddle this young explorer of mine! The other boys will think he's a sissy!

Governess: But what if he burns the house down, sir?

Mister Smith: Then you're fired!

Governess: Mister Smith, young Myrtle was dangling her undergarments in front of the boy next door, and I thought I should bring it to your attention.

Mister Smith: Have you not taught her basic decorum? What books are you giving her? Not too many, I hope! I'm sure she saw you do that. You're the only one she could have learned that from. Her mother hasn't shown me her undergarments for the last six years!

Governess: Mister Smith, I've received a letter from my sister that our mother is on her death bed, my father is now crippled, and the pig ate my brother's hand. Could I have a week's advance on my salary and five days off to see them?

Mister Smith: Good God, Miss Governess! You can't leave at a time like this! Winthrop is a little arsonist and Myrtle's one step away from becoming a whore! We need you!

You see where I'm going with this? I get when the bad boy at the playground pulls your pigtails because he likes you, but even very young governesses would be able to pick up on the fact that the dad just never has her back. There is that stereotype that women like guys who treat them badly, but, come on. If you work for an asshole, you know it.

Not that Captain von Trapp is an asshole. He opposes Nazis, is a veteran, seems to be a decent fellow once he loosens up a little, and led his kids across the Alps so they wouldn't have to be in Hitler Youth programs (not in real life. They just got on a train). But what is it about changing the dad that makes for such a popular story? Certainly there is more going on with Maria than that as she changes the whole household.

One word: power.

Maria may not crave power in the conventional sense, but this is the one way the governess could legitimately wield a ton of power—influencing the family. She already influences the kids. They spend more time with her than with anyone else. But if she can influence the parents and maybe even befriend them, she's really got a good thing going. Jane Eyre doesn't fall for Rochester because he's rich, but rather because he likes having her around! They talk, they bond, they talk about each other's pasts and problems (albeit not all of them, at first). She has adult companionship, a friend. This means she isn't just the lowly governess. She's a valued member of the household, someone people would miss, not because of the services they render, but because of who they are.

Maybe that's why there are so many stories of a governess being able to do magic. Magic is power.

“I thought it was knowledge.”

Pretty sure if you can do magic, you're at an advantage, too. Bedknobs and Broomsticks and the more recent Nanny McPhee feature middle-aged, single women caring for children that aren't theirs, changing the kids' lives for the better, the former actually using her witchcraft to battle Nazis. They just can't get away from all the supernatural tomfoolery, can they? Miss Price, played to perfection by Angela Lansbury, wants to learn magic to help the Allies win World War Two. Talk about influence. Nanny McPhee (Emma Thompson) may have things on a smaller scale, but she plays just as pivotal a role in the lives of the family members she works for, her mantra, “When you need me, but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me, but no longer need me, I have to go.”

Influence might just be what every governess wished she had more of, and so we come now to the governess of a story that allows her to change the very dynamic of the family she serves.

Originally a children's book series that lasted from 1934 all the way to 1988, it was adapted by the Walt Disney Company into a masterpiece of a film in 1964, and one that can and should be its own meta. It went through development hell, and one of the aspects Saving Mr. Banks got right was the importance and success of the movie hinging not on the character of Mary Poppins saving the children, but saving the father, who is too much of a workaholic to spend quality time with them.

This has kind of been done to death, the dad so wrapped up in his work that his family life is passing him by, but in no other movie I know of is it done so poignantly. Mary Poppins waltzes in with her no-nonsense attitude, basically hires herself, and when she is about to be fired, she actually masterminds a field trip for Mr. Banks to take the kids on that will have nigh-miraculous results.

I'm of the opinion Mary Poppins (and also Bert) is not quite human, but it doesn't really matter. The lesson of learning to take in life's simple joys is illustrated so beautifully in the haunting “Feed the Birds” song, an amazing scene between Bert and Mr. Banks when Bert sort of spells out what Mary Poppins has been doing this whole time, and a gorgeously-filmed sequence when Mr. Banks walks to the bank, expecting to be fired himself, and reflects on all that has happened. It's not really the kids learning life lessons from Mary Poppins, as they're in reality good kids who are just bored and in need of some attention. Mr. Banks is the one who is just a little too set in his ways and can't be bothered to give his own children any warmth. What stops this from being too cutesy or too preachy is Mary Poppins' practical attitude. She's not an ice queen, but a firm, stubborn woman who denies she does anything magical.

But she gives the kids cough syrup that tastes like rum and dates homeless guys.

The governess aspect of Mary Poppins may be the most believable. See, for all my snark, I find it hard to believe that every single governess suffered. Teaching today is underappreciated and underpaid, but people still do it because it is so rewarding. They are shaping lives. They are an adult kids can go to for help and look up to, maybe even emulate. The job of a governess was to nurture young people, and while some kids I'm sure hated their governesses, there had to be some out there who really loved theirs.

The “Let’s Go Fly a Kite” sequence never fails to make me cry because it's the whole point of the movie. As Mary Poppins watches as the happy family goes arm in arm to the park, it's a bittersweet moment, but isn't it also the best-case scenario a governess can hope for? She did what she went there to do—save this family by teaching them to make time for each other. Realistically, she's not part of the joy, but she is responsible for it. It has to be a little sad for a teacher to watch his/her students move on to the next grade, but it is what is supposed to happen. It's a sign he/she has done a good job. The entire scene is so moving because it really brings everything home. Mr. Banks gets his job back along with a promotion, proving you don't have to sacrifice your family to move up the ladder. Mrs. Banks puts her suffragette sash on the kite, literally making it “come out of the closet” and be acknowledged by her family as something she is passionate about. The kids can look forward to outings with their parents and a lot more warmth at home. All of it is done by Mary Poppins without a thank you, or even a goodbye.

That's why I think the governess as a heroine persists and is a popular choice for storytelling. There is a risk-taking aspect to this woman, no matter how prim and proper she may seem, for she is venturing out on her own with a specific purpose, and it's a noble purpose. The people around her in the story change because of her. She is making things happen, things that have to happen for children to mature. She might find love, she might fight off ghosts, but the woman is a hero for encouraging and persevering, all with very little expectation of credit. Just to give you a real-life example as my conclusion, here is a photo of Anne Sullivan with Helen Keller:

#meta; governesses; books; horror; jane eyre; brontes; Disney

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3one3 · 8 years ago

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The Sequel - 793

The Wounded Swallow

André Schürrle, Juan Mata, other Chelsea/BVB players, and random awesome OC’s

(okay they’re less random now but they’re still pretty awesome)

original epic tale

all chapters of The Sequel

The “Erotic: Passion & Desire” preview exhibition was understandably weird. Most of the cocktail attendees were not actual, interested buyers, but still art regulars. They were comfortable with the theme of the works on display. The others, less so. There was a lot of whispering among those folks, while the relaxed group spoke freely and conversationally. The quiet group moved from lot to lot in pairs or threesomes and wore shocked or aghast faces. The less awkward people seemed to be having a better time, and seemed to enjoy discussing the various pieces with unabashedly presented penises, vaginas, and butts, and the activities portrayed. Christina and Juan were in the middle. They kept their voices low but discussed the art freely too.

Christina even got a nearly incurable case of giggles when they arrived at the penis table. It was too ridiculous for her hold on composure. Supposedly delivered to Catherine The Great, the round table featured a cross-shaped base with four erect, veiny penises reaching up and out from the center, each with its own pair of balls adorned with nipples, and grounded in gold painted swirls meant to look like pubic hair. The tabletop itself had random hard penises and balls glued every 12” or so around its border- some with their bulging red mushroom heads pointing up and some down, and interspersed with the spread thighs, vagina, torso, and chest of a female. Neither the rider nor the player could imagine a room or circumstance that would call for a baby blue and gold table made out of and decorated with erections.

Works by Picasso, Klimt, De Kooning, and Howard Chandler Christy garnered a more scholarly response from the duo of friends. They pretended to take them in analytically and try to appreciate them as important art. Mostly, they discussed how surprisingly low the bid estimates were. They thought it should cost more to own a sketch by Picasso. Another prospective buyer who overheard them butted in to suggest that “he made so much art, everyone in London could have a Picasso”. That statue of the two lovers that Christina reacted to in the online catalogue was among the more expensive, at £180,000-220,000. She told Juan that she really liked it because of how real it was, and she was very real herself in telling him, in a whisper like those awkward and uncomfortable people, that it made her think of being with him. The equestrian with the husband and the sort-of-side-boyfriend assured him that she would never want to own such a thing though. The Helmut Newton print she did want wasn’t what she thought it was. It was part of a portfolio of 9 silver prints and a CD of the photoshoot in a fancy case, published by Volkswagen. They were all photos of naked women with a Beetle from 1999. She only liked the one of a woman on her back holding up a TV screen with a front view of the car with two other women sitting in it. It was shot from between the naked woman’s legs but cropped to exclude anything more explicit than her breasts.

“Now you have seen all of the lots- which one do you think I was talking about the other day when I said I want it?” the Chelsea man asked her after they got their second glasses of Chardonnay and returned to the “scene” to people-watch.

“Well that’s a cumbersome way to ask the question, so I’m going to assume you don’t want it now that you’ve seen it,” she posited thoughtfully, scanning the pieces that weren’t obstructed by other people. “Otherwise you could just ask “Which one do you think I want?” yes?”

“No, I still want it.” Juan smirked a little and then shifted his eyes side to side, as if to make sure he didn’t accidentally lock onto the piece in question and give it away.

“It’s the dick table, isn’t it?”

“No,” he laughed.

“Umm....is it the painting of the girl’s butt and thighs and arms with her hand kind of over the middle? The girl with the tattoos? I kind of like that one. Probably because it’s only 30 years old.”

“Nope.”

“One of the 19th century watercolors with the dick sucking? You know, I kind of always assumed oral sex was a more modern invention. Threesomes, too. There’s that ivory box thing with one woman sucking the guy’s dick and one licking his butt. That’s even older!” Christina truly marveled at the sexual habits of significantly older societies. “How long ago do you think it was when someone first figured out that putting his penis in a woman’s mouth can be as nice as putting it in her vagina?” she whispered.

“However long ago Adam met Eve. And no. You have two strikes. One more chance to guess.”

“I’m going to Google it.” She took her phone out but paused for one more quick glance around the room for a final guess. “I have no idea what else here you might like. The pin-up girls?”

“The angel.”

“Really? I didn’t know you’re a sculpture guy.” Christina looked up from her phone to locate the white marble angel in the nude. She was a little more than 2’ tall and sat on a rock with her lengthy wings hanging down behind it. The piece was buy a French artist who lived from the middle of the 19th century into World War I. Christina didn’t have any special feelings about the work when they stood in front of it, and she didn’t have much special interest in Juan’s interest in it either. He articulated a very specific interest.

“She’s you, cariña,” he told her, a hand at the small of her back to steer her back to it off to the right side of the room. She was already rolling her eyes. What’s his deal with angels? Are religious people really into them? “L’hirondelle Blessée,” he read from the information placard accompanying the sculpture. “The Wounded Swallow. She’s a beautiful angel who has hurt her ankle.” Indeed, the angel was sat on the rock to assess an injury to her lower leg, which was lifted up for inspection. Her head was tilted down to look at it, and her left hand gripped it to palpate the painful area with her thumb. She had strong looking thighs, a narrow waist with clearly defined abs, round hips, and ample, pert cleavage. The muscle in her neck even stood out proudly from her posture. The only obvious thing differentiating this “Swallow” from the player’s friend was her short hair. And perhaps her height. The angel looked as if she’d be a bigger person than Christina. It was the wrong ankle too.

“I didn’t even notice that she was injured before,” the latter mumbled as she took the sculpture in for the second time, her tone a little absent because she was surprised and still trying to understand the parallels. It was a little shocking.

“I’m going to make a bid on her before we leave.” The Spanish midfielder wore a fond and slightly excited smile while he too studied the figure. It was his muse’s turn to get shifty-eyed. Anybody looking? No? K. She leaned over to smooch his cheek in a way that was just naughty enough to need privacy. An innocent peck could be seen by anyone. A momentarily lingering kiss was for no one’s eyes. “You like her?”

“I like that you think she’s me and duly want to bring her home.”

“I want to bring you home too, but I want to eat first.” Juan chuckled in her periphery. I can’t tell if he liked that I just did that, if he didn’t even really notice, or if he’s ignoring it because he doesn’t want anyone else to notice, she thought. I also don’t know if I care which it is. Also, I’m starving. “Have you seen enough? Should we go find out how I make a written bid and get moving for dinner?”

“Yes! Where are we going?”

“Walking distance is Bellamy’s, Hakkasan, Wild Honey, and Sexy Fish. French, Chinese, British, or Japanese?”

“Hakkasan doesn’t serve dinner after like 7, so that’s out. Bellamy’s has approximately 10 items on the menu and 9 of them are fish or veal, so no Bellamy’s. Wild Honey is boring. I vote for the long walk to Sexy Fish. I haven’t been there since you got that red card and made me go there with you,” Christina sniggered, remembering the match and how silly the sequence of events was that led to the Spaniard’s dismissal. “I want a grilled rib eye steak with Asiany flavors, and fried spicy noodles, and-“

“Your eyes are so much bigger than your stomach.” Juan watched her drink the wine and lifted his brows questioningly when, mid-sip, her eyes narrowed deviously. She was on to something.

“Juanin, you’re always complaining that I eat all the food and don’t share enough with you, or hog it all to myself. Now you say I order more than I eat. You can’t have it both ways,” she reminded with her nose in the air.

“I can. You order a steak the size of your head and eat three bites, and instead you eat all of my food. Or you say “I want this, this, and this, so will you eat some so I can order everything on page-2?” and I say okay and order the things I really want, and then you eat those things and tell me I should eat the ones you wanted.”

“Not true. Not true at all. You’re going to get some icky fish thing I won’t eat anyway.” The German rider stuck her tongue out and marched toward someone with a nametag, assuming that person could help the player set up his bid for the angel auction.

After a long and enjoyable Asian-themed dinner, he asked his real live angel if she wanted him to bring her home to his place or hers, with the understanding that they were spending the night together either way. Christina told him that she still needed to go home even though Lukas was in Germany with his dad, as she had two dogs waiting for her to let them out and needing her there to feed them in the morning, and because she wouldn’t be able to spend her whole Friday in bed if she woke up the wrong one. Juan was welcomed to stay though. He earned that, with his attraction to the sculpture and with his always-charming company throughout the night. She wanted him to stay. She wanted to finish her night with him. It was again a situation in which she hadn’t seen him in about a week and missed him. The Spaniard was becoming the thing that felt like normal in her life. Spending time with him was the constant that she returned to after every competition, work trip, Dortmund visit, etc. Having a normalcy to come home to was something she valued and needed. While doing the same thing day after day and living a “normal” life by any average person’s standard clearly proved many times not for her, having at least a sense of a normalcy was still important. It was for that reason that she wrapped up a decent day and a fun night tucked under his arm and on his chest, watching TV and talking about big picture current affairs, personal current affairs, and nonsense, and not because they’d spent some enchanted evening together and she fancied a romantic or sexy nightcap. The denouement of their evening was anything but sexy, as they were both overfull, overtired, and overrun by Toy Fox Terriers thrilled to score a second consecutive night of bedroom access.

One of the most satisfying aspects of this new normal was that it felt like maybe Juan thought of it as his constant too. Sometimes when Christina needed a person to snuggle with and unwind on, it was like he was doing her a favor. He made some sacrifice to listen to her troubles when she and André couldn’t stop plucking at each other’s last nerves. It was something he had to endure. He tolerated it. In truth he seldom said or behaved in a way that should have made the rider think that, but still, the belief persisted, perhaps because of her own propensity for labeling herself a burden on others, and for feeling like a victim. That was no longer the case. Juan was there on equal terms with her. And if the previous week were an indication, he wasn’t just there and wanting to be because he thought it was an opportunity to get some ass. The two friends hung out twice during her last quick London stopover and there was no hookup of any kind. It seemed like just spending regular time together was his constant too- that he sought it too, and relaxed in it too. He gave off no sense of waiting or expectation.

For a few minutes that Thursday night, while they were talking about the cultural differences in late night talk shows between the US and England, Christina thought of Jill. A Monday afternoon playdate for shopping, a great dinner out, and many hours vegging in front of the TV with her best friend was what she came back to after horse shows. Sometimes Jill was at the shows too, and sometimes she wasn’t. It didn’t matter. The first order of business after coming home, and after working at the barn in the morning, was using her free time to let down with Jill. Monday was pretty universally accepted as the day off in Long Island equestrian culture. Trainers didn’t do lessons and nobody really came to ride. It was by design because usually everybody went to a horse show on Sunday and tired out the horses, or everybody had lessons over the weekend when off from school and work, so the barn-owned lesson horses were tired from that. The grooms had much of the day off too. They had to feed and clean stalls in the morning and throw the horses outside for the day, but then they were free until evening feeding time. Simon never showed up on Mondays. Christina went in to help the guys make sure all the horses were okay after traveling, and to check legs and feet unwrapped and unpacked, and deal with anything that happened while she and her boss were away. Then she had the rest of the day off too.

That was her normalcy for much of her adult life. Then she moved, and got married, and grew into a whole new career, and André was normalcy. He was it for more years, actually. There wasn’t a set thing like Mondays with Jill. It was everything. He was there and whatever they did was the constant, even though whatever they did varied a lot. That had been gone for 7 months and it took probably 6 of them for Christina to adopt a new tether- a new thing that grounded her at home, that she could point to as a pillar to give her life structure. In some ways it was the only scaffolding- the only point of reference. Even her riding schedule when she returned home was different all the time, or nonexistent because she had to go somewhere else after a show instead of home. So there was just Juan.

“How do these little dogs not get cold out in the stable all the time?” he asked absently as Spencer pawed at the top of the black satin duvet- a request to be let under it so he could burrow next to a human. “Their blankets only cover a small part of their bodies. Don’t their feet get cold?”

“When it’s really cold I put their fleece shirts on under the blankies,” the animal expert explained. It definitely wasn’t cold in bed. She had half of Juan’s body as a heater, and the blanket covering most of hers. “They even have little hoodies, but I kinda bought those just to take cute pictures. They can’t actually wear the hoods so they don’t really make them warmer. Actually, I meant to look online today for square beds for them. The barn builder guys did a clever thing for them in the tack room at the new place. There are two open cubby-type things under the shelves and cabinets and they’re just a couple of inches off the floor, so you put their beds in there and then they have private, out of the way spots to nap, and they’re up off the cold floor. Their barn beds now are round though and I hate the idea of round bed in square cubby. Also I think I should probably get ones I can stick some Velcro on so that they don’t slide out of the cubbies when they move around or jump into them.”

“That’s smart,” her friend nodded. She picked up her phone from where it was sitting on his chest with one of his two phones, and tapped to open Chrome so she could look for cozy puppy beds.

“There’s this company in the US that sells stuff for outdoorsy people but like classy, WASPy outdoorsy people rather than redneck hunters. So think fly fishing and canoeing and a lot of subdued plaids instead of camo and neon. My mom always got the catalogue and used to buy weird and random things from them, like pencil sets. I don’t know. Anyway, they opened an actual store near one of my favorite diners and their dog beds were like the featured section. So I want to look there for- Oh, I forgot I was trying to find out about oral sex before,” Christina chuckled. The Wikipedia page for that subject was already open in a tab. She scrolled through impatiently to find the answer to her original question, which was when oral sex became “a thing”.

“What does it say? Did ancient Egyptians do 69?” Her small Spanish pillow yawned and removed his left arm from behind his head to put it around her back again. Her Googling included lifting her head off his chest and leaning away from his side just a bit. That wasn’t allowed.

“Oh my god Wikipedia actually references “facesitting”. Shocking. I’m not seeing anything about like origin though, or history. Oh wait. “In Ancient Rome, fellatio was considered profoundly taboo. Sexual acts were generally seen through the prism of submission and control. This is apparent in the two Latin words for the act: irrumare, to penetrate orally, and fellare, to be penetrated orally. Under this system, it was considered to be abhorrent for a male to perform fellatio, since that would mean that he was penetrated, parentheses controlled, whereas receiving fellatio from a woman or another man of lower social status such as a slave or debtor was not humiliating. The Romans regarded oral sex as being far more shameful than, for example, anal sex”,” she read from the phone.

“See! Even ancient Romans knew anal sex is great!” Her friend was triumphant and giggly.

“No, they knew it was not shameful. My objections are not about objectification though,” Christina argued. “It’s just literally disgusting. Not morally. Whoa this is cool. So primates sometimes get into oral sex, which is understandable I guess, but did you know fruit bats do it? It says mating pairs spend more time copulating if the female first licks the male. I find that weirdly cute.”

“I can’t stop thinking about the Valencia bat mascot getting head in the costume now.”

“This other fellatio-specific article says the Kama Sutra talks about it, and that’s form the first century AD, so I guess it’s been a thing for a long time. But the author didn’t really endorse it. How can you come up with all of those sexual positions and not think blow jobs are a good idea?” The rider put both the phone and her head back down on Juan’s chest. The device was turned sideways so that she could get a better view of the oral sex depicted in a picture in the article. “There is this plate or bowl or something with a dude blowing another dude, labeled “Depiction of fellatio on Attic red-figure kylix, circa 510 BC”. I don’t know what that is but I guess it means dudes have been blowing dudes since at least 510 BC.”

“I look forward to your in-depth written report and presentation about the history of dick sucking, cariña,” the player told her. He, like most of the people close to her, knew that when she had a question, she dug deep to answer it. She had that curiosity and that thirst for learning and knowledge.

“That’s so sexist. I would report on the history of oral sex, not just fellatio. Hindus thought cunnilingus was a means to transcending old age and death, and could lead to a state of nirvana.”

“I can believe that. I know how it feels to find a kind of nirvana between a woman’s legs.” The Chelsea man’s non-serious comment earned a non-serious eye roll. His expression then turned defensive. “What? You don’t believe me? I don’t understand why you’re always so skeptical that guys really, truly, honestly like to eat pussy. You American girls are conditioned to think guys only care about themselves in sex. Taylor is completely the same. She argues that guys who like to eat their girls only do it because they like the way the girl reacts and it makes them feel like even better lovers, so it’s like a selfish thing, and has nothing to do with us wanting to give girls pleasure too and just feeling good about it.”

“I agree with Taylor. You like giving girls pleasure because it’s you who gave it to them, because they’re reacting to you. Maybe you don’t realize that that’s what it is, but it is. You’ve even said that to me before- that you love making me orgasm because you know it’s because of you.”

“No, I’ve said that’s one of the reasons,” Juan corrected. “I have also said that I just love your reactions, and how beautiful and free and happy you look.”

“Uhhuh.” Christina was still dismissive. And more interested in shopping for dog beds than arguing. “Orvis has a dog bed selector thing, like when you do a Buzzfeed quiz and it tells you something about you. It tells you which dog bed to get.”

“Exciting.”

“Is Lucky using you as his dog bed right now?”

“He’s between my knees, and the other one is right below him. They want to make sure I can’t move.”

“It’s what they’re good at. Okay, rectangle or round, rectangle. Side bolster or no side bolster? Side bolster. They like having walls.”

“Like my knees and calves.”

“Yes. Polyester fill or memory foam? The fill probably gets lumps, but I don’t know if they even weigh enough to sink into the memory foam enough for it to be comfy. What do you think?”

“I have to shake out my featherbed all the time to get rid of the lumps. No one is going to remember to take their beds out of the shelf to fluff them up for them. Go with the memory foam.”

“Good call. Can you...” Christina paused to arch her back and wiggle about. “Can you scratch right above where your hand is? Quickly.”

“Emergency itch?” Juan did as asked and scratched a big area between the rider’s shoulder blades. She twisted into it some, and pressed her forehead into his left pectoral muscle, experiencing the intense satisfaction of having a sudden and urgent itch tended to. She even opened her mouth and kind of closed her teeth on him as she then tried to nod in affirmation. The iPhone was abandoned face down on him, and she let go of it to squeeze some of both his t-shirt and the satin quilt in her hand. Her scratching servant tugged her tank top up so he could get to her itchy skin directly, as it was evident it wasn’t just a momentary ailment. “You have a little bump, cariña. Like a hive.”

“My skin doesn’t like the amount of time it spends covered by a sweaty sports bra. I always pay extra attention to that part of my back when I shower, and I use a salty exfoliating soap, and then if I don’t moisturize after, it gets dry and itchy. I was too lazy to lather myself in lotion this afternoon. Ahh, that’s good. You can stop.” The player’s grateful appendage sighed and relaxed all of her tensed muscles, and he reverting to rubbing the small of her back instead of the previously itchy part. Having her tank pulled up meant the tips of his fingers slid just under the wide waistband of her underwear when his palm moved back and forth there. “Thank you,” she said contentedly upon returning her cheek to his shirt.

“Dog beds.”

“Oh yeah.”

Orvis didn’t have any acceptable beds on first look. In the photos of the products recommended in accordance with her selections, even large breed dogs weren’t making any kind of impression on their memory foam. It didn’t absorb them. They simply rested on top of it. Christina had to abandon the selector and just look at all the beds. There was something called the “Deep Dish Couch Bed”, and it was as plush as it sounded. It had tall bolsters on three sides, double-stacked cushions, and a water-resistant, removable microfiber cover. She left the tab open so that she could order them in the morning. For the low cost of nearly $400, Spencer and Lucky could have small-size beds in slate gray with their names embroidered on the front shipped to their future home. Their mom just couldn’t remember the address of said new home, and didn’t feel like getting up to fetch her bankcard. She did feel like browsing Instagram though while Juan was in the bathroom and she was supposed to be looking for something to watch because they were out of DVR’d episodes of Criminal Minds to not really pay attention to. André posted a picture of her and naturally the app ensured it was the first thing she saw because she liked all of his pictures and it’s designed to show you content from accounts you engage with most. The photo made her smile with happiness at first at its surface merit.

Dirk is so cuuuuute and I look okay too, she thought. It was a picture of her braiding her favorite stallion’s forelock and winking at her husband, who was obviously taking a photo of her. Christina sort of remembered thinking he was making a video, but it was from three summers back so the memory was fuzzy. It was the beginning of Dirk’s post-WEG vacation and his owners were on a sunset walk with their new puppies, very much entrenched in the kind of happiness that comes from surviving a kidnapping, bagging some silver medals at WEG, and trying really hard to get pregnant. I think I might have already been pregnant then, the rider realized. She knew when it was thanks to clues in the picture. The grass was green, the horse had his darkest and most shiny summer coat, her skin was bronze, and she could see the ties of a bikini top in a bow at the back of her neck. Their evening walk took them out to the paddocks to visit with each of the horses just turned out for the night, and the animals were all disappointed that the humans didn’t bring any treats. Christina remembered that she and her husband each had to carry one of their three-month-old puppies home from there because they were too tired from the first leg. And she got a bit lost in that memory as it became clearer, until she read the caption with André’s post.

Is he a psychic like Juanin is sometimes? This is so...so. “My North Star and her compass”, the expat read for the second time. You look for the North Star to know where you are...and you use a compass to figure out...where you’re going? Does he mean I’m his point of orientation in life, and that D-Money shows me where to go? Is he deep enough to come up with something like that? I kind of love it. He must have stolen this concept from somewhere. He’s not usually so thoughtful, and certainly not in public. Aww. This is so close to what I was thinking about before, in terms of structure in life. Awwww. Christina’s insides turned to mush and she hurried to comment on the BVB player’s post. She could have texted him, or called him back again even though he said he was going to bed when they last spoke, but she wanted the whole world to see her comment too. She wrote “I love you” and added the space rocket emoji in hopes that he would get that she meant it like a vehicle to the stars, like a vehicle he could take to get to her, his Polaris. Because of her profile’s popularity, her comment went straight to the top.

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