#all the power to ya but i personally cant really date ppl like that bc theyre gonna be disappointed im not their perfect mangirl

[ear-motif]

peace and love but some of yall really do enforce awful gender standards but its ok bc you said butch and femme instead of masc and and fem

[changbinsboobs]

im the anon from before: told ya in my chan observations "knowing chan and his tendencies for a victim-complex, pick me, delulu and stuff" bound to cause some issues in his personal relationships but also this is why lee know is my fave out of the two bro would not give two hoots compared to chan who seems always on edge, kinda not trouble maker but doesnt mind stirring the pot to make a mountain out of a molehill.

although I do blame their coddeling from the companies for their inability to have stable relationships because they cant seemingly get out of their own delulu bubble (mainly chan).

u know what im also glad for these readings for? bc it makes me less delulu about certain idols lmao, its weird because some idols i thought would have dreadful personalities or types do not and its the ones that i have suspicions of and chan was one of them mainly due to his overly unhealthy attachments to stay but now i still find him interesting i just dont know if i would date him? yaknow? i think sometimes an idol having very very specific ideals can limit their overal perspective in dating bc theyre not really seeing someone for their personality or their natural charms or anything else its literally all about other attributes that they maybe look too much into and not giving some others enough chance becaude if u only look on the outside u never going to see ppl in different way, its very concieted. like what if chan met someone who fitted the appearsnce he wanted but they also had toxic behaviours or would just use him? he would still prolly date that person. im sure the girl he was with was lovely but no one wants to babysit a grown man. period. he actually gives manchild vibes no fr

honestly if anything i dont want him to be defamed cause she may or may not use it against him even if she sign nda but if hes that toxic it may very well backfire even further. i think he would be better more as friend material than romantic but he said he wanted family as well in snother reading. bro got a lot of growth to do before any of that

i hope other stay who maybe too deluded to see thru his behaviour i hope they somehow learn abt it thru readings cause itd suck to put so much attention and for it to all be unhealthy and shit

So first things first - my personal opinion is that nowadays there's just s HUGE gap between men and women in terms of being a a well rounded, capable, mature human being. Sadly. And so i i wouldn't necessarily put the blame on the companies but rather just on the guy himself - at the end of the day he chose that path and no matter what ur environment is you can still learn and choose to be well rounded human being - like thats on u bro🥲and i also do see him as a man child, sry not sry. Ive noticed that for a very long while actually and i think he knows that on some level too and thats part of the reason why he pushes that "taking care of y'all" image on himself so mich to try and make up for what he on the inside knows that he lacks.

And i think too he would date someone for SURE that he finds attractive but knows they're toxic cuz lets be honest - lots of people do😂 some people just crave toxicity and some people are toxic themselves and like attracts like.

Also i don't think the situation is that bad for him to be defamed - as i said i think the whole thing was much bigger in his perception than it probably was for the girl. I don't think he was toxic to the extent where he would be hurting anyone other than himself. In fact i think his toxic is rather embarrassing than hurtful. Its the type where you just sit there in shock and wonder how someone like him, with a certain image, status, money, power even, life experience etc - can act and be so immature and cringey. I think he could also be someone that would be kinda gaslighting but not out of malice but rather because he's just too sensitive and cant regulate his emotions so well hence why he can't really grasp the situation in a right way. But thats as far as it gets.

As negative as readings like that might sound im actually happy to read on energy like that because as you sed it helps delude people a bit and also just plain shows you a persons bad side (which we all have) and makes them much more human. And the best part - i would much rather stan an idol thats a manchild and is just a bit cringey, than stanning an abuser and not knowing it. That way you at least know his red flacks aren't THAT type of RED iykwim...👀

[sanguinarius-archive]

Hey! Could I get to know some of your headcanons about dickfigures/your designs for them? :D

ya ya sure!!!!

i already have my designs for them up if you havent seen, here they are!

as for headcanons idk how long this post will be so ill just add a read more for anyone who might not wanna scroll thru it all lol

red!!!!!

his real name is rowan bc i thought it was cute, also it means “little red one” which is eVEN BETTER

he��s nonbinary masc and bisexual! the self projection is REAL

he has adhd

most of my headcanons kinda flow into my own version of dick figures because i’m not very Satisfied with canon NJSJDNSKM so like. for example red doesn’t just kill people or whatever. he gets into fights and has scars and wears bandaids a lot bc of them

he graduated college with blue, he got a bachelor’s degree in fine arts (honestly idk how college works bc im a grade 10 baby so if thats like totally wrong just let me know also im. canadian so idk how american school system works LOL)

red got suspended a lot in high school but never expelled. mostly bc he got in fights that were mainly him protecting stacey from shitty people (he sees her as his sister so he was rlly protective) and the school wasnt really sure what else to do so they just. you know. suspended him a bunch of times hoping itd do something but it didnt

he hates his dad! reason being is bc when he was born, his dad was actually an alien able to disguise himself as human, so he wanted to take red back to his home planet cuz red turned out to be more powerful than anything his dad had ever seen. but red’s mom was like Nope, so she snuck out with him and his plush cat (kitty amazing) and they were never found. red is very close with his mom and is scared of his dad coming back someday

we know he canonically likes rlly loud music so im just gonna project here and say he’s a metalhead. at least, some form of it. he likes the alt scene music and industrial rock. examples being deftones, nine inch nails, skinny puppy, rage against the machine, kittie and others. it keeps him focused and calm

bLUE!!!

we know blue was bullied as a kid but i dont wanna say red also bullied him bc i feel like thats just wrong to me? MAYBE ITS NOT ACTUALLY but it just makes me sad so like. lets say red, being as protective as he is, stood up for blue a lot cuz he was like “oh this kid cant fight” so he knew what to do

blue dated pink for awhile but they mutually agreed to break up after blue realized this wasnt what he wanted (he came to the conclusion that he was gay, well, he knew for awhile but it was Internalized Homophobia)

he grew up in a very conservative family so to see the world completely differently by meeting red, ems (lt), pink and stacey was a very good thing for him. unfortunately even tho his family did love him, it was conditional so they stopped talking to him after he came out. thankfully he’d already graduated high school by that point

despite being emotional blue isn’t very good at understanding how he’s an emotional person. he’s able to distinct one feeling from another and analyze them, but it’s just... hard for him to kind of. process WHY he feels a certain way? which is what’s led to a lot of his struggles in getting closer with ppl

he loooves reading and writing we already know this but i mean come on. he also got a bachelor’s degree in english/ela. so he’s able to become a teacher ig but he doesn’t really want to? at least not for awhile yet

blue was ems’ first friend. at first he couldn’t understand why they had tics but decided he shouldn’t get into someone else’s business. he didn’t find it weird, just cool!

he and red would always pair up for projects if they had classes together!!!!!! blue would do the writing/research and red would do the illustrations. they always turned out really good even if it ended with red cramming it at the last minute

surprisingly hates broseph more than red. well i mean its not surprising, because broseph was always a huge DICK to him

blue’s real name is wyatt!!!!! i forget the meaning but i felt the sound of it and the meaning fit him well

piiiiink!!!!!!!!!!

she’s still in college, getting her doctorate to be an astrophysicist!

pink is very very smart and will help anyone who’s struggling with something in school. she was basically the genius who always got in the honor roll every year. but, she actually was really anxious especially with exams

pink encourages stacey to go back to school, and sometimes stacey does, but she always ends up leaving again. it’s a little stressful but pink has hope for her

she’s never drank one sip of alcohol in her entire life. she smoked weed once, but it felt weird so she didn’t do it again

ever since she and blue broke up she’s been very supportive of him bc she herself is bisexual!!! so she sees nothing weird about it. in fact, about almost a year later she started dating stacey

pink’s real name is lily. when she became friends with blue she met red through him and she was like “can i join your nickname thing” and they said “sure” so they called her pink. stacey sometimes calls her pinky or just pink but mostly lily

pink helped red with academics. even tho he was sometimes insufferable to work with (/j thats a Joke i promise she’s a very patient person) she didn’t give up on him!!!! in return he helped her out with some fitness stuff cuz pink was always insecure about gym, and later when she graduated she actually got into exercising bc of red!

she loves travelling and going for walks. she owns a lot of houseplants and she’s given them all names and takes very good care of them! she also owns an albino ball python named Velvet

STACEYYY!!!!!!!

stacey is nOT actually all about sex this time ok. i don’t like that. i mean she did have some personality in canon but it wasn’t much? anyways she just really likes to express herself thru tight/”risque” clothing like fishnets and leather and pleated skirts and thigh-highs and platform boots, all of that. basically she’s a goth girl but doesn’t really “act” like one

she’s really intelligent when it comes to animals and insects and will tell you anything you need to know. when she goes back to college she gets a degree in environmental science

stacey can play the electric and bass guitars!!!! she was in a band back in high school but it never really went anywhere beyond performances at parties in someone’s garage. not that she didn’t like it, looking back on it makes her feel happy, but she wished it continued. probably why she has a hard time going back to college bc she’s not sure what she really wants

stacey is a trans woman btw!!!!! unfortunately it was a little difficult in high school to be who she was bc some kids were jerks, but there were a lot of others who supported her which is good

she views red as her brother as well and they still hang out a lot

i haven’t really had time to focus on stacey and make headcanons and stuff for her so i don’t have a lot but... let’s say, secretly, she’s a scifi nerd. and for the sake of debate, let’s say she’s a marvel fan. if you count being a fan of deadpool as being a fan of marvel

LOVES GIRLS.... loves pink!!!

has very similar music taste to red’s!!!!!

emssss!!!!!!! (lt)

instead of being a stereotype of ppl with tourette’s syndrome, it’s just a normal thing that isn’t focused on a whole lot. it doesn’t make ems swear but if they get really really frustrated they’ll curse while doing one of their tics

ems is agender, i’d say they’re also ageless but i don’t really want to make them too “nonhuman” because i feel like that’s dehumanizing to people with tourette’s. so let’s just say most laws of existence don’t apply to them

they’re very friendly!

they’re an aspiring musician, just like in canon

ems is also big into horror movies believe it or not. they’re pretty critical of them though like most horror movie fans, and only like specific ones (i’m not a horror movie fan myself so i can’t say what Specific Ones they like ajsdhbjn just imagine they have good taste okay)

they r very artsy too and like doing crafts cause it gives them something to focus on. it’s just a hobby though it’s not something they’re Professional at

they love nature and flowers and trees and all kinds of plants and animals!!! they like to document what they see when they travel thru nature and stuff so they bring a camera with them (and their phone, but, you know whatever)

ems was never really affected by things people said to them regarding their syndrome. to them it was something they were born with, so they couldn’t bother to feel bad about themselves. in certain situations theyre able to control it but 90% of the time they don’t care about what ppl think

aaaand there u go!!! as for minor characters like raccoon, jason/trollz0r, broseph, dingleberry, they all exist (raccoon isnt a racist stereotype tho), i just dont focus on them a whole lot. most of my hcs for stacey and ems here were thought up on the spot since i havent had time to lay out all my ideas for them but i hope what i have here is good !!!!

also, red and blue ARE dating, and pink and stacey ARE ALSO dating. gay rights

[alien-bodies]

Oversharing Time!!!

(i just made that title up that’s not the official title I’m just Like That)

Ok so @frogyell​ tagged my main account (I am BLEST) but that’s for Refined Star Trek Content and this one’s for excellent moodboard content and garbage so here’s the garbage!!! I’m putting it under a cut bc it manipulates your brain to want to read through 85 fuckin facts about me more wow I love science

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

1. last drink: Water! off to a great start

2. last phone call: my local Hot Topic. I feel like I should also mention I work there. But if you don’t know that and steal my phone you’ll see I have a contact named Hot Topic

3. last text message: Google sent me a verification code, but the last one I sent was to my brother it says “k”

4. last song you listened to: It’s called The Horror Of Your Love by Ludo, if I had to delete all but one song on my 121-song Best Enemies playlist I’d keep this one it’s Peak and kinda has vore but it’s metaphorical. metavoreical, if you will

5. time you cried: during my latest EMDR sesh! I was in Wales and everything it was a Lot I got ice cream after

6. dated someone twice? Big No

7. kissed someone and regretted it? Not really?

8. been cheated on? my ex had 16 anime dating sims downloaded at one point while we were dating does that count

9. lost someone special? yea

10. been depressed? hella

11. gotten drunk and thrown up? I’ve been drunk 1 time and it was when I was playing English handbells at my dad’s church’s wassail night but I did not throw up no

fave colors

12. Black

13. Lavendar

14. Light blue

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends? Hell Yell!!

16. fallen out of love? k i n d a ? ?

17. laughed until you cried? oh absolutely

18. found out someone was talking about you? OH BOY YUP YUP

19. met someone who changed you? yes! she managed to physically alter my hippocampus without touching it how fuckign whack is that

20. found out who your friends are? It’s always the same miraculous group chat

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list? sure have

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? I keep it nice and refined so all of them. My old account is another story

23. do you have any pets? one beautiful and talented cat named Moriarty. A good description is she’s got puppy software on cat hardware.

24. do you want to change your name? listen I’ve been through 4.5 of these fuckers, I like Nate, I’m Quite Finished

25. what did you do for your last birthday? invited 2 pals over, I remember one of them suddenly whipped out I Am The Doctor and the Dr Who theme on the piano out of fuckin nowhere and I was like “Daniel what the hell you’re so talented” and then I hardcore dissociated the rest of the day

26. what time did you wake up today? 10:00

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? chatting w @houseofoakdown​ and also editing my monstrosity of a fanfiction

28. what is something you cant wait for? Going back to school! then I can graduate in my pajamas and eat creamed corn in celebration

30. what are you listening to right now? the same goddamn playlist, this one’s called Battle Cry by The Family Crest, i cri erytiem

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom? probably???

32. something thats getting on your nerves? my brother vaping in the bathroom with the fan on at 12:30am

33. most visited website: tungle dot hell

34. hair color: I started out blonde af now I’m less blonde but still blonde.

35. long or short hair: short

36. do you have a crush on someone: :[] yes

37. what do you like about yourself: i’m hella smart, my moodboards are bangin, my writing is cool af, I’m well-hydrated at all times

38. want any piercings? Big No

39. blood type: A+!!!!! thats me!!!!!

40. nicknames: my brother calls me a goon sometimes

41. relationship status: im married to my laptop

42. zodiac: I was born on the last day of Taurus so I’m a definite Taurus/Gemini power combo

43. pronouns: they/them, tho in some places I use he/him bc The Dysphoria got hog wild enough I decided to pretend to be a trans guy so ppl would take me seriously, but I’m moving more towards they/them everywhere now. 

44. fave tv shows: Dr Fuck, Sherlock (I’m armed with a pitchfork and an arsenal of beefed up tv & film knowledge come on fight me), DOWNTON ABBEY

45. tattoos: in August I will get a bee on my right arm and probably a Secret Word in Gallifreyan on my left it’ll say fuck

46. right or left handed: one time I was bored in grade 10 and tried to make myself ambidextrous but that was a hassle so I’m firmly right handed. Except in archery.

47. ever had surgery: got all 4 wisom teeth out not long ago! I still need to squirt water in my gum holes so I get all the mushy food out :{

48. piercings: I used to have my ears pierced but they’re grown tf over now!

49. sport: first of all what the hell is this question looking for second of all I have a red belt (which is 2 below black belt) in Taekwondo. I really need to do that again hhhhhh

50. vacation: i went to England and France in the summer with my family as a “””grad trip”””, it was lots of fun but my collection of sensory issues extended to chomping and I dissociated so intensely in The Louvre my mom told me to go back outside so I wrote fanfiction while listening to 21 Pilots and chatting w my imaginary friends and it took me like 18 hours to process I’d seen The Mona Lisa with mine own 2 eyes. Also the plane was delayed twice bc we used Air Canada for some godforsaken reason and I had 0 hours of sleep when I went to the Sherlock Holmes museum and I started talkin to this bust of Sherlock Holmes and then I hadn’t eaten enough and we were walking to this bookstore and I said “I need food!” and my dad said “We’ll get it AFTER” then I shouted “I’M GONNA DIE” so I got a BLT from Tesco. 

51. trainers: h

more general

52. eating: the last thing I ate was chocolate chips straight out of the bag

53. drinking: I got another cup of water

54. im about to watch: my entire fanfiction to take 3000 notes on consistency. and by watch I mean read

55. waiting for: my brother (not vaping) to get out of the bathroom so I can PEE

56. want: Orphan Black to be on Netflix so I can actually binge watch it then call my grandma about it

57. get married: idk I didn’t think I was a get married person but since realizing I’m a lesbian it seems like a good idea!

58. career: nurse and a writer. I might just move to London and work double time to write enough scripts I have some street cred then pitch a TV adaptation of Faction Paradox to the BBC and win

which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs bc it means my friends are in my vicinity not Toronto

60. lips or eyes: uh. eyes???????????

61. shorter or taller: i’m 5′3″ and I would love a tol partner

62. older or younger: i don’t think I care

63. nice arms or stomach: what fresh hell does this mean. I’d like a nice stomach free of gastrointestinal issues and acid reflux. not that I have either of those but just in case

64. hookup or relationship: I have 300 many self-esteem issues so imma say relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: AU where I don’t have anxiety and I’m a trouble maker

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: noop

67. drank hard liquor: I PUT RUM IN THE WASSAIL HELL YEAH also once someone bought me a shot at a queer dance thing bc it was payday and my friend told me to gulp the WHOLE SHOT and then the lemonade so I don’t barf and I was like “brah this is too high-stakes” so I poured the vodka in the lemonade and took sips and everyone stared at me

68. lost glasses: in grade 6 and then my mom threatened to make me wear one of those granny glasses chains so I never lost them again

69. turned someone down: ya this kid Cyrus used to chase me around in grade 5 and I’d run away always he was weird af one time he made out with a folder right in front of me in the middle of class

70. sex on first date: probs not at this point but I’m not opposed to the general idea when I’m less w h a c k e d  u p

71. broken someones heart: Not that I know of?

72. had your heart broken: c o n s i s t e n t l y in the most fricked up ways god

73. been arrested: no but once I booed at the police bc the local nazis (yeah) were gonna have a rally so we had a counter-rally and I dropped in but there were no nazis except one old dude in a MAGA hat showed up 2 hours late lmao

74. cried when someone died: oui

75. fallen for a friend: Big Lesbian Mood

do you believe in

76. yourself: YA BB

77. miracles: not as such

78. love at first sight: nah

79. santa claus: I wasn’t allowed to believe in Santa as a child bc he was “too much like God” sad

80. kiss on a first date: ye!

81. angels: big no

other

82. best friend’s name: I don’t exactly have a proper best friend but I’m goin with Liam

83. eye colour: blue/grey

84. fave movie: either The Force Awakens (bc I love bb8 and I’m gay 4 Rey) or Interstellar shut up

85. fave actor: uh idk let’s go with my brother

WOW THAT WAS LONG JEE🅱️US. I’m tagging @houseofoakdown @spoonietimelordy @gemvictorfromtheponyverse @spockswhales @raesand and that exhausts the ppl I know but you’re all worth quadruple in my heart 💖

[noecat]

88 qn tag meme

thank u 2 the lovely @jiminieboi for tag!!

holy shit this was long,,listen i tag no one but my wife @wingjk bc im literally too lazy to breathe rn

the last:

1. DRINK: passionfruit red tea. it was too sweet i wish i’d gone w green but that’s too sour,,,,honestly a representation of my personality as a whole

2. PHONE CALL: school friend who was wondering where i was

3. TEXT MESSAGE: if messenger counts, @wingjk bc i was going to sleep

4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: come back home by bts

5. THE TIME YOU CRIED: i don’t recall!! perhaps a couple weeks ago?

have you:

6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: don’t call me out like this

7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: not really? i dont regret many things

8. BEEN CHEATED ON: ha

9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: yes

10. BEEN DEPRESSED: listen

11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: i don’t get drunk

top 3 favorite colors

12. black

13. pink

14. in your area

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: yes and i love them

16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE:  L I S T E N

17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: rarely, but yes!!

18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: yall. assholes. love to gossip. and i love finding out about it so it’s a mutually beneficial thing

19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: doesn’t everyone change me to some degree?? yes, though i do think a lot of the char dev ive undergone was internally motivated and not bc of a specific person,,,i just want to treat people better.

20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: yes and i Love Them

21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: ppft no who the fuck even facebooks in the year 2k17,,,tho,, @wingjk​ hmu ;(

GENERAL

22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: none

23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: a kitten !! listen he’s an asshole but i love him

24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: as in legally?? i wish!! hopefully soon

25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOU LAST BIRTHDAY: ha ha dont talk to me

26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: i overslept today bc my sleeping schedule is,,,,,very good,,,,,,,,,,,

27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: readin fanfic rip

28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: hobi. wheres. ur. mixtape. where. also MY BDAY IS IN LESS THAN A MONTH !!! LOVE ME !!!!!!

29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: uhm yesterday

30. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE: listen,

31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: the sweet sound of everyone being loud as fuc

32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: i dont think so ??

33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: people breathing around me

lost questions

34. MOLE(S): ya

35. MARK(S): scars ?? i fell into a ditch once and i still have the scars from that,,also depression isnt ideal

36. CHILDHOOD DREAM: to be a lawyer

37. HAIR COLOR: brown but im gna bleach it someday

38. LONG OR SHORT HAIR:  short-ish

39. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: not romantically but i am currently interested in someone, yeees

40. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: sometimes the planets alighn just right and i say something quotable that im proud of

41. PIERCINGS: that havent healed completely already ? 2, in my ears

42. BLOODTYPE: red

43. NICKNAME(S): q, ‘that asshole’, kyu

44. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: not looking

45. ZODIAC: leo

46. PRONOUNS: im agender. i strongly prefer it/its for Reasons but some of yall fucks take offense bc ‘but u are not an object!!’ and like. listen. if u think that using ‘they/them’, which i do not want to be called, is somehow more respectful to my identity ???  ? ?  ? i dont rly have much to say. in spaces where people are less tolerant and presentation overrides id, i go by she/hers.

47. FAVOURITE TV SHOW: i dont watch them anymore but ill always have a special spot in my heart for hannibal and my earliest experiences w bbc sherlock (ahahah can u believe i used to be a sh blog tho)

48. TATTOOS: not yet!! i want to get mine right the first time

49. RIGHT OR LEFT HAND: technically ambidextrous but ive been using my right hand for so long (bc u dont rly realize how inconvenient literally everything is w left hand until u try it skdfjgfg) that it’s now my dominant one

50. SURGERY: yes, but minor

51. HAIR DYED A DIFFERENT COLOR: nop but ive shaved it all off once

52. SPORT: used to sail, used to kayak, now i possess no skills. i actually ish i did have a sport i play regularly, but, i am a Lazy Fuck,

53. VACATION: aksdjfd i dont rmbr !! i travelled a lot when i was young. now we just go to neighboring countries over breaks sometimes.

54. PAIR OF TRAINERS: not converse low, that’s 4 sure

MORE GENERAL

55. EATING: nothing, but hopefully about to

56. DRINKING: nothing, but hopefully about to

57. I’M ABOUT TO: eat, drink, go home

58. WAITING FOR: senpai to answer my anon ask. senpai pls. senpai im dying here i only get wifi sporadically for like 10 min at a time senpai plsease

59. WANT:  see hoseok irl someday, to not fail my year end exams, to have a good future after this. if we’re going wildly unrealistic, give me financial stability and the power to play piano proficiently.

60. GET MARRIED: honestly i think this would depend on where i am in life, where my partner(s) is/are in life, and what we want out of our relationship (plus, my generation supposedly killed marriage, so)

61. CAREER: listen i used to want to be a lawyer real bad before i grew up and realized im a fuckign depressed idiot who cant do shit so now im just hoping for some kind of stable job that i wont hate,,,,,,i lean towards the social sciences, and they’re what im best at, but my fucking dumb ass is currenly taking natural sciences instead because ????? no fuckin clue, past me, what the fuck,

62. HUGS OR KISSES: i dont like hugs much, so kisses. though i do like to cuddle ??? i think ??? theoretically ???? normally i just dont let ppl touch me

63. LIPS OR EYES: lips

64. SHORTER OR TALLER: couldn’t care less but theres smth hot abt someone being taller than me (unrelated news kuroo is 187cm holy shit fuck T O W E R O V E R M E)

65. OLDER OR YOUNGER: as in ?? romantically ?? to be friends with ?? if it’s the former, almost definitely older. for the latter, i prefer older, but personality matters more than age does.

66. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: dont care. tho if u have arms that could snap my neck, 

67. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: as in me ?? listen im both. im both. but if we’re talking partners, i imagine kuroo is plenty loud, so that,

68. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: listen i dont care as long as it’s enjoyable and mutually beneficial

69. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: hm

have your ever:

70. KISSED A STRANGER: nop

71. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: nop

72. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: yes, but found them

73. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: ya!!

74. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: nop

75. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: not intentionally ??

76. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: : l i s t e n

77. BEEN ARRESTED: nop im a good upstanding citizen

78. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: as in irl ?? i dont think so

79. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: hm, no, i,

do you believe in:

80. YOURSELF:  ya im great. im a piece of shit but *insert trash can not trash cannot meme*

81. MIRACLES: nah

82. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: nah

83. SANTA CLAUS: nah. attraction, maybe

84. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: do what u want !! 

85. ANGELS: @wingjk is one so i can confirm

86. CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME(S): van, iv, jess are u a best friend or am i reading u wrong, id say drea but she’s my soulmate, id say nastya but she’s my wife and will complain i friendzoned her

other

87. EYE COLOUR: greenish

88. FAVOURITE MOVIE: casino royale !!! also all the ghibli things were my childhood

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 

[bibuttercup]

1-155

1: Full name: Samantha Jillian Hope McEvoy

2: Age-18

3: 3 Fears-Answered

4: 3 things I love-Answered

5: 4 turns on-lingerie, human contact, attention, validation 

6: 4 turns off- possessiveness, Sad Boys, straight ppl, republicans

7: My best friend-answered

8: Sexual orientation-bisexual

9: My best first date-i’ve only been on one lmao

10: How tall am I-5′0

11: What do I miss-Disney

12: What time were I born-1:04pm

13: Favourite color-Purple

14: Do I have a crush-answered

15: Favourite quote-answered

16: Favourite place-Walt Disney World

17: Favourite food-Disney Waffles

18: Do I use sarcasm-never

19: What am I listening to right now- @dreamboatlauren on the phoneee

20: First thing I notice in new person- idk???? Their hair???

21: Shoe size- 7

22: Eye color-brown

23: Hair color-brown

24: Favourite style of clothing- goth hoe

25: Ever done a prank call? Yerpp

27: Meaning behind my URL- this weird screencap from i think trailer park boys??

28: Favourite movie-idk!!! my fav disney movie is Alice in Wonderland

29: Favourite song- idk!!!!

30: Favourite band- panic at the disco

31: How I feel right now-answered

32: Someone I love-answered

33: My current relationship status-single

34: My relationship with my parents- i have a fairly ok relationship with my mom. it depends on the day with my dad lmao

35: Favourite holiday- christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing i have- i just have two on my ear

37: Tattoos and piercing i want- so many!!!

38: The reason I joined Tumblr-answered

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?- i havent really dated dated in like 4 yrs so i hope not.

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?- not really??

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? nopee.

42: When did I last hold hands? i held my little brothers hand on the walk home from school today lmao

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?-answered

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?-nope

45: Where am I right now? my bed.

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?- me. aint gon depend on anybody else lmao.

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?-way loud

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?-yup

49: Am I excited for anything?- to go back to disney lmao

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?-answered

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?-idk!!!!

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?-answered

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?-answered

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?-yuppp

55: What is something I disliked about today?-im awkward and cant hold conversation even when i wanna talk to somebody! lmao

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?- idk. oh jeez thats so many ppl to pick from

57: What do I think about most?-answered

58: What’s my strangest talent?- i am talentless

59: Do I have any strange phobias?-answered

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?-behind for sure.

61: What was the last lie I told?-idk. i think i lied to my sister about something but who knows what.

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?- ig talking on the phone?? video chatting is so stressful

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes/no

64: Do I believe in magic? disney magic

65: Do I believe in luck? ig???

66: What’s the weather like right now? cold asf

67: What was the last book I’ve read? something for class.

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yup

69: Do I have any nicknames? sam, sammi, samanthakinzz

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? idk??? maybe my concussion? brain injuries are bad, right?

71: Do I spend money or save it? both kinda lmao bc im broke asf so all my money has to go to necessities.

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?- kinda??

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?- im wearing pink.

74: Favourite animal?-giraffe or fox

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?- cleaning my room

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?- idk??

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?- i have no idea lmao

78: How can you win my heart?- super easyy to win my heart lmao

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? some haunted mansion type rhyme

80: What is my favorite word?- do ppl have fav words?

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr @dreamboatlauren, @nicolethebisexual and idk who else??? @reisies is dope

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?-fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?-yup

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?-i want to be a mermaid

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?- this question

86: What is my current desktop picture?- the aliens from toy story

87: Had sex?- yes?????kinda???????maybe???????

88: Bought condoms?-nope

89: Gotten pregnant?-nope

90: Failed a class?-nope

91: Kissed a boy?-yup

92: Kissed a girl?-yup!!!!!

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?-yup

94: Had job?-yup

95: Left the house without my wallet?-yupp

96: Bullied someone on the internet?-nopee

97: Had sex in public?-nopeee

98: Played on a sports team?-not rly

99: Smoked weed?-like twice lmao

100: Did drugs?- yupp

101: Smoked cigarettes?-nope

102: Drank alcohol?-yupppppp

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?-nopee

104: Been overweight?-nopee

105: Been underweight?-yuppp

106: Been to a wedding?-yuppp

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?-yaa

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?-yaaa

109: Been outside my home country?-nope

110: Gotten my heart broken?-ig???

111: Been to a professional sports game?-ya

112: Broken a bone?-yaa

113: Cut myself?-yaa

114: Been to prom?-yaa

115: Been in airplane?-yaa

116: Fly by helicopter?-nope

117: What concerts have I been to?-soo many

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?-yupp

119: Learned another language?-kinda??

120: Wore make up?-yup

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? do not believe in the concept of virginity lmao

122: Had oral sex?-answered

123: Dyed my hair?-yup

124: Voted in a presidential election?-not yet

125: Rode in an ambulance?-yup

126: Had a surgery?-ig to fix the bone in my leg?? does that count???

127: Met someone famous?-nope

128: Stalked someone on a social network?-yup

129: Peed outside?-yup

130: Been fishing?-nope

131: Helped with charity?-yup

132: Been rejected by a crush?-yup

133: Broken a mirror?-yup

134: What do I want for birthday?-a sense of purpose

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?-none rn

136: Was I named after anyone?-some character on all my children i think

137: Do I like my handwriting?-sometimes

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?-idk?? my littlest pet shops i think

139: Favourite Tv Show? idk. maybe always sunny? or b99?

140: Where do I want to live when older? florida maybe

141: Play any musical instrument?- not well

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?- cracked my head open

143: Favourite pizza toping?-bacon

144: Am I afraid of the dark?yup

145: Am I afraid of heights?sometimes

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?-v ambiguous question

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?-alwayssss

148: What I’m really bad at-everything 

49: What my greatest achievments are-ig not killing myself lmao

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me-idk

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery-go to disney!!!

152: What do I like about myself-answered

153: My closest Tumblr friend-answered

154: Something I fantasise about- not being poor lmao

155: Any question you’d like?-none that i can think of lmao

[rawitafk]

From Produce 101 S2 to Wanna One

Hi ya! I’m back!! Waw its beeeen soooo long since last time I wrote something here. Many things happened to me when I was hiatus here.. I watched BTS CNBLUE and EXO concert again!! Yesss!!! And now, guess what?! I have new favorite group! Duuuh its so hard to resist this group.. bcs I’ve been with them since D-0 even way before! The group is called Wanna One! Do you remember when I promised not to like any other group than CNBLUE EXO BTS? Lol sorry I broke my promise and I stan this group so hard! Btw I have done all requirements to be a full doctor, and now I’m officially a full doctor!! I will turn 27 years old this september.. ewrr time flies and here I am, still stuck in Korean world.. HAHA.. but I do hope I will find my other half soon! Aaaamiiin! Back to previous topic, sorry for interrupting haha.. Lemme explain you about my new favorite group, Wanna One. The group consists of 11 members, chosen by National Producer from a show called Produce 101. What is produce 101? Produce 101 is actually a survival show where 101 trainees from different labels competing to be top 11 based on voting system. So basically, Wanna One consists of 11 members from various labels.

Wanna members, in their ranking order, are: 1. Kang Daniel (vocal/rapper, born in 1996, MMO trainee) 2. Park Jihoon (vocal/rapper, born in 1999, Maroo ent trainee) 3. Lee Daehwi (vocal, born in 2001, Brand New Music trainee) 4. Kim Jaehwan (main vocal, born in 1996, individual trainee) 5. Ong Seungwoo (lead vocal, born in 1995, Fantagio trainee) 6. Park Woojin (main rapper, born in 1999, Brand New Music trainee) 7. Lai Guanlin (rapper, born in 2001, Cube trainee) 8. Yoon Jisung (vocal, born in 1991, MMO trainee) 9. Hwang Minhyun (lead vocal, born in 1995, Pledis trainee, Nu'est member) 10. Bae Jinyoung (vocal, born in 2000, C9 ent trainee) 11. Ha Sungwoon (main vocal, born in 1994, Ardor&Able/StarCrew trainee, Hotshot member)

So based on the ranking, their center is Kang Daniel. The leader is Yoon Jisung bcs he is the oldest and wisest like a mom (the members call him jisungmom). The second oldest Ha Sungwoon is called “Aunty” or 이모 bcs he talks too much lol. And the father is Hwang Minhyun bcs he has father-like figure.

Before stanning this group, I watched all Produce 101 S2 eps. I didnt watch first season bcs the trainees were girls (I only know their debut group I.O.I) hahaa.. and for S2 bcs they are boys so why not trying?

Okay so there were interesting story about Produce 101 S2. People said its gonna be a flop variety show like boys24 at first.. but then many ppl attracted to this show bcs Jang Moonbok, a trainee with long hair with previous experience when auditioning a show called superstar K. He was a child back then and his rap was not clear and ppl call it funny. So many people esp men, got interested to Produce 101 S2 bcs they want to see how Jang Moonbok improve his rap and performance. Beside moonbook, the show also got quite known bcs 나야나 (It’s Me/Pick Me) performance by all PD101 S2 trainees. Ppl found attractive trainee called “wink boy”. Yes he is Park Jihoon!

Okay now its time to talk about me.. my journey with Produce 101 lol. At first I know this show was gonna airing soon but for exact date, I had no idea, so I didnt tune on mnet and missed the first eps. I found couples videos of their trainees: the PR videos, meringue-time videos, eye-contact videos. I know some other trainees beside moonbok and jihoon, like nu'est members, samuel, ha sungwoon (just know the name bcs of BTS’ Jimin, but I didnt recognize his face), and I have no idea about other trainees. I actually didnt know which trainee I should support, so I chose it by seeing the their eye-contact video thumbnail. I found an interesting one, he looked handsome, and I click it, oh he sang Dean “half moon” my favorite song! His voice is good and sweet, and his face is handsome. Then I checked the name, ahhh it was Ha Sungwoon! Wow he is that jimin’s friend whom I didnt recognize his face before. He is good! So I decided to pick this guy as my favorite.

So back to pd101 story, I missed the first eps so I watch the 2nd eps and I saw amazing perfomance from my pick, Ha Sungwoon with his labelmate Noh Taehyun. They performed Block B “Very good”. It was amazing and breath-taking! Damn I love it so much! They got A grade and I was so happy! I thought “this is good my pick is qualified and indeed talented! I’m not wrong in choosing trainee!. Ah btw, 1st and 2nd episode for Produce 101 is for company performance. So all trainees from same label perform something and then they were given A-F grade individually based in their performances by the trainers. It took so long to watch all performances tbh haha.. while watching, I recognized a pink-hair trainee, Kang Daniel! He was cute but not that attractive for me, but he was easily recognized bcs of his pink hair. Also yoon jisung bcs his reaction was always dramatic. I also recognize for level A trainees such as Ong seungwoo and BNM boys daehwi woojin, sewoon with his vocal and guitar and Jaehwan with his skyfall performance! Also cube performance (Yoo Seunho and Lai Guanlin) with basic dance HAHA THEY WERE SO CUTE I CANT! They were called byeongari trainees.

Okay theeeen the broadcast keep going on. My pick, sungwoon, was ranked 30 something.. so sad! The first one was Jihoon (yeah Wink power) and second one was moonbok. For the rest members I didnt remember exactly but I remember only ong seungwoo, guanlin, daehwi, jinyoung, minhyun who were on top 11 for the first ranking announcement. As the episodes continue, there were many changes on the ranking. It was quite drastic tbh.

For the first elimination ranking, my pick sungwoon was 21. Jihoon 1, jisung 3, ong 4, daniel 5, daehwi 7, guanlin 9, minhyun 11 Others were not in top 11. I thought “it needs lot efforts to get sungwoon to top 11 omg his rank is only 20 over its gonna be hard). Woojin was also came from bottom rank, he was 20 something too but I forgot.

So after first elimination, the trainees left was only 60 and they were divided to perform based on vocal, rap, or dance. I always read pd101 updates, basically many knets love woojin and I was sure he could make it on top 11 but not with sungwoon.. Sungwoon teamed up with minhyun jisung jaehwan hyunbin to perform "Downpour” as vocal team. Omg I really love it! Sungwoon was so emotional and all trainees including me, cried together. It was so touching. Up until now I never get bored seeing and listening to their singing. Also my another favorite team is Get Ugly team. You know what? DANIEL DYED HIS HAIR TO DARK BROWN. NO MORE PINK HAIR! and guess what? AWESOME.. HANDSOMENESS INCREASED BY 100% LOL. And his Get Ugly performance is my favorite.. it was rvjwkalwgqkwlwjsbs DOPE. ALL HIS MOVES ARE AMAZING. B-boying and showing his abs haha.. I was pretty sure this boy can make to top 11, but so sad he was ranked 5 on his team and woojin was the first one (that makes me sure he 100% would be top 11).

Second elimination ranking announcement, sungwoon was 25.. and the rest wanna one members were 1-15.. ahh I felt more desperate.. i was so afraid he wouldnt make it. But sungwoon kept showing his good side and his effort to be recognized even the trainer praised him! And his downpour solo cam was always on top 100 video. I had a little hope but still hard to believe he could make it.

Okay next one is concept evaluation.. there were 5 songs to be perfomed: Showtime, Oh Little Girl, Open Up, I know you know, Never. Poor sungwoon, he was supposed to be on Never team but got moved to Showtime haha.. and Daniel got punishment for showing a clue which song he wanted to perform and moved to Open Up. The rest of Wanna One members are Never team, jihoon jinyoung are oh little girl, jisung is showtime along with sungwoon. Never is a very good song, I like it. Their performance is good but I love Open Up performance more, especially daniel oh gosh why is he getting hot and hot seriously!

Finally! Third elimination ranking announcement, there were unexpected moment! A BIGGEST PLOT TWIST! my sungwoon, shoot up to ranking 3! Can you imagine how shock I was? He was 25 before!! I was so desperate and I thought he wouldnt make to final but he was rank 3! Amazing! And daniel, he won concept performance and ranked 1!! Ohyeaaah my picks got high ranking xD.

And the final.. the moment of truth…. they announced rank 10 first.. then up to 1.. daniel won! My sungwoon wasnt called yet.. for rank 11 there were 4 candidates: jonghyun dongho sungwoon sewoon.. I was sure it would be jonghyun but then jonghyun ranked 14! Oh my god! Sungwoon might be number 11! And then dongho ranked 13.. now sewoon and sungwoon left… theeeeeen they called SUNGWOON! OH GOSHHHHH MY PICK MADE TO TOP 11!!! I’m so happy bcs at first I thought he couldnt make it bcs he was always 20ish on eps 1-9. And I’m happy for daniel too, bcs he could be number 1 despite all situation he got. Tbh I thought jihoon were gonna be the winner but daniel secured his position! He never became a center and was rank lower on his team, and finally fully recognized for his Open Up performance!

Wawwww what a long story!!! So thats all my pd101 story.. next one is about Wanna One!! Wanna One members are funny, entertaining, handsome, and talented. Daehwi can compose a song, daniel woojin can make a choreography, and no need to doubt our rap and vocal members! Ong is seriously funny too tbh, when he performed Thats what I like, i thought he was serious person but thats no no haha. Minhyun is also charming! Woojin is also funny especially when he speaks satoori lol.. and jaehwan? Oh gosh his laughing makes me stomachache haha he is so funny kinda remember me about baekhyun. Guanlin is seriously hot too, especially when he plays basketball.. every shoot hes done is always accurate! Jihoon's wink jeojang gguggaga are also being hit everywhere! And my pick sungwoon he is funny and so talkative haha. Every Wanna One members have their own charm and I like it! We have ongniel is science pink sausage, saranghae minhwan, eolganz, sodu a.k.a jinhwi, panwink a.k.a. laji unit.. all members have good variety skill too tbh!

They debuted on August 7th with an album called 1x1=1 (To be One) and Energetic is their title song. The song is not that good when I first listened to it but it has been growing on me as time goes by and I like it very much now! The choreo is good! And btw, Wanna One fans are called as Wannables! YEAAAAH I AM WANNABLE!! I support this group fully now. But so sad if I remember the fact that they will disband on 2019. I have only approx 1.5years to support them, and I will give my all! I hope they can win a daesang!! Go go Wanna One!!