#all the characters were vaguely “inspired” by archetypes from hp but like. if they not badly executed

[manchblack]

seeings posts abt how shitty jkr and harry potter are again (rightfully) and it's reminding me of the ocs/story plot i made specifically out of spite for how badly hp fumbles it's characters and tropes

[onion-souls]

Ah, psionics, the mistake that D&D will never stop making.

The latest UA lays out a psychic archetype for Fighter, Rogue, and Wizards, along with new spells and feats.

The Psionic Fighter is the Psychic Warrior, because synonyms. A psychic warrior is a kensai monk, but instead of using ki, it uses a seperate vitalistic force. At 3rd level, you get to chose between a defensive form and an offensive form once per long rest. The defense is a d10 damage reduction as a reaction, while the Augmented Strike is a 1d4 psychic damage boost once per hit. At 10th level, these die sizes increase to a barely perceptible 1d12 and 1d6.

Wow, this is shit. The defensive option starts off very strong, especially if paired with Heavy Armor Master or a Barbarian multiclass, but will fall off fairly hard once enemies start getting multiattack and high damage actions. The Augmented strike is dull, as its “once on each of your turns” is fairly lackluster on a class that is based around attack volume. You'll regularly land it once you get to high levels, but it's not interesting at all. And it's just a worse version of the Zealot Barbarian.

The virgin Psychic Warrior vs. the Chad Zealot Barbarian

At 3rd level, you get Telekinetic Hand, which is mage hand, but invisible and without components, which is 5e's general solution to minor Telekinetic power, as seen on the Gith.

7th level brings Strength of Mind, which is an bonus action to force a creature to make a Strength Saving throw (Intelligence based DC) or take 2d6+ Intelligence modifier force damage and a 15' force movement towards or away from you. A success is the typical ½ damage and no movement. It works on an Int mod/long rest resource pool. Well, this is actually pretty cool, if only for the bonus action timing, which is great action economy and battlefield control. It also makes you feel like a Jedi, which I assume is a big draw to the class.

Eh, let's face it, Sith.

At 10th level, Telekinetic bulwark comes on line, which allows you to replace an Attack Action attack (no bonus attacks or Attacks of Opportunity) with a 10' radius sphere of psychic defensive that lasts 1 minute and can be used once per long rest or until you use your Second Wind feature. Which is very strange action economy, but OK, it's cool. Your allies are in half cover and have advantage on Strength saving throws (not checks). This ability is pretty boring in this instance, but brings up a ton of cool possibilities for future design space. I especially love fighter abilities regenerating on a use of Second Wind.

At 15th level, you get Agonizing Strike, which is basically a better Augmented Strike. It uses another Intelligence mod/long rest usage pool, and an Intelligence based Con save. On the strike, you deal an extra 2d10 psychic damage, forcing a Con Save vs. prone and disadvantage on ability checks until the end of your next turn. Nothing on a success, it seems. This feature is expected, albeit it feels rather rogue or paladin-ish in its smiting flavor.

At 18th level, you get Psychic Dreadnaught, which lets you use a reaction to become a paradigm shift in early 20th century warship design.

Psionic Battleship resigned!

Just kidding, you actually get a 20th level Paladin transformation ability, and two levels early! For one minute, after using a reaction upon taking damage, you regain 10 HP at the start of each turn, get +10 speed, and you can stand up from prone using only 5 feet of movement. Well, you get to be a kind of boring paladin...

So, yeah, all in all, a very uninteresting subclass mostly made up of elements cobbled together from zealots and paladins. But, uh, psychic. The seventh level Strength of Mind is the only inspiring feature here, and honestly it should have been the basis of the class- instead of damage spikes and some defensive reactions, make it the Telekinetic, a class based around remote grappling, forced movement, and battlefield control.  One big oddity is that, despite being a mental warrior, it does nothing to shore up a fighter's biggest weakness, mental defenses. And while most fighters are short-rest based, this class has a long rest recovery on most of its features.

2/5 stars.

The Rogue archetype is our old friend that steals all your money and vomits on your couch, the Soulknife. The Soulknife channels mind bullets into mind knives, just like Psylocke.

We also keep inexplicably giving the Soulknife chances, just like Olivia Munn.

At 3rd level, you can now use the psychic knife that the text said you developed in childhood, so figure that out if you're starting from level 1. As a bonus action, you can make a simple, finesse melee weapon with the thrown (60') property. It deals 1d6 psychic damage on a hit and...disappears once used.

Maybe you’re also Gambit, I guess.

Also, you have Psionic Enhancement, which lets you choose, once per long rest: 30' telepathy; +5 speed; or +Intelligence mod+Rogue level maximum and current hit points, and HOLY SHIT this last one is so much better than the others in everything but social situations.

Which is odd, because you would expect a psychic rogue to be weaker on the damage focus but to excel in social situations and infiltration.

Like Olivia Thirlby....’s character in Dredd.

At 9th level, you have Terrifying Blade, which lets you force a target to make a Wisdom save (Int mod based DC) vs Frightened (of you) until the start of your net turn. On a success, it is not frightened and immune to this feature for 24 hours. Interestingly, this is its only limitation, but it’s strong. Too bad this and the Conquest paladin’s fear features come so late...

At 13th level, Psychic Veil comes on line, allowing you to become invisible for 10 minutes until you make an attack or force a creature to make a saving throw, Int mod/long rest. And finally, we’re actually getting some appreciation for the possibilities of the “Psychic Thief” concept.

The potential is finally getting some appreciation. Like Olivia Colman.

At 17th level, Rend Mind lets you use an action while holding a Psychic Blade to force an Int save on a creature within 30'. Disadvantaged if you are hiding, which is cool. On a failed save, it take 12d6 psychic damage and is stunned until your next turn; half as much damage and no stun on a success. Your psychic blade vanishes. This also has Int mod/long rest uses.

So this subclass is...well, it's top heavy.

Like Olivia Hussey.

You kind of have to wait until 9th level to do interesting things with the class, but when it does, you are monstrously powerful for brief bursts, especially since relatively few creatures are great on Intelligence saves. Good class at high levels, but poorly designed in terms of feature pacing.

3/5

The final subclass is the Psionics Wizard. It's a wizard but mental, baby.

This is the most “blacklight mural on the side of a prog rock band’s van” of subclasses.

At 2nd level, you get a psionic focus instead of an arcane focus. A sidebar talks about this, vaguely, and could be boiled down to “come up with a thing that's important to you.” It is a spell casting focus, and you can reroll 1's on force or psychic damage rolls, which would be great if you were a warlock, but you are not. You also know either friends, mage hand, or message for free, and can cast it as a bonus action without components. Friends doesn't force the target to become hostile, mage hand is invisible and a bonus action to control, and message is just telepathy, no pointing or whispering required.

The friends one seems especially good in social situations, and could be potentially dangerous. Also wondering how the Mage Hand modification interacts with Arcane Trickster Rogues.

At 6th level, you get Thought Form, which lets you become a tulpa for 10 minutes using a bonus action. This ends on a bonus action or incapacitation. You become a luminous psychic energy being around your focus, shedding dim light in a 5' radius, and can take on a form around your size. Your spells do not require commonents (lacking gold cost) and have resistance to nomagical physical damage. This has Int mod/long rest uses. Actually a very, very strong defensive power for a wizard, unless your DM homebrews a ton of magical or elemental enemies.

At 10th level, you get Mental Discipline, with is a free spell: dominate person, scrying, or telekinesis. You get a free casting, once per long rest, and no components, and wow this is incredibly dangerous in social situations. Free, undetectable Dominate Person?!

It also steps on Sorcerer's Subtle spell, but sorcerer is for bullying.

You also get Empowered Psionics, adding your Intelligence modifier to Psychic or Force damage on a wizard spell. Fun with Synaptic Static.

At 14th level, you get Thought Travel, which gives your Thought Form a fly speed, hover, and you can walk through creatures an objects as though difficult terrain (1d10 force damage if you end your turn in one), and you can finally fuck your dream waifu on the astral plane, without having to invest in Monk levels or Theosophy.

Unrelated image of Lady Maria of the Astral Clocktower

Net up comes a list of psionic spells, which are just suggestions and themes. This is a nice guide to building your bullshit wizard wearing the sorcerer's face as a hat.

It's powerful but I hate this design and bullshit power creep.

Unrelated image of Laurence, the First Vicar

2/5

Next up are actual new spells: mind sliver (cantrip), id insinuation (1st level) mental barrier, mind thrust, thought shield (2nd), psionic blast (3rd), ego whip (4th) intellect fortress (5th), and psychic crush (6th).

Ego Whip is a single target concentration debuff, 30' range- Int save vs. disadvantage on attacks, checks, saves, and an inability to cast spells. They can make the Intelligence save at the end of each turn, ending on a success. Decent, great if you face a lot of non-wizard casters. Would be very nasty as a player caster to be on the receiving end.

Id Insinuation. Another single target concentration debuff, a wisdom save vs. incapacitation and 1d12 psychic damage each turn, with another wisdom save that ends the effect. This might be a better Tasha's Hideous Laughter, which is already one of the better 1st level spells.

“So you’re just going to throw amount my terms willy-nilly, huh? Did Adler go into game design?”

Intellect Fortress is a rare abjuration spell, a self-targetting concentration buff that grants advantage on all saving throws. You can also use a reaction to allow an ally within 30' to reroll a save. This would be a nice spell if it weren't concentration; save advantage is just not worth giving up that slot that could be used for a debuff or an always useful buff.

Mental Barrier- a reaction on an Int, Wisdom, or Charisma save that grants advantage on the save and resistance to psychic damage. This is generally much better than Intellect Fortress; the reaction timing and 2nd level is much stronger, unless you're a gnome.

The most blessed of God’s creatures.

Mind Sliver is an enchantment cantrip, a single target save vs. 1d6 psychic damage and a 1d4 bane-style debuff on its next saving throw. Same as the last time, it's basically a better version of Viscious Mockery once you get serious spellcasting powers.

Silvers, the most baneful of God’s creatures.

Mind Thrust sounds inappropriate, and continues a theme of “make it psychic by adding mind/intellect/psychic to the feature.” This is a bonus action intellect save vs. 3d6 psyhic damage, and it can only dash or disengage on its next turn. This is very unusual, as I don't think there are many, or any bonus action “attack spells” like this. Very nasty on a Green-Flame/Booming Blade user. This could really screw with your action economy, and is one of the few “attack spells” a weapon user like an Arcane Trickster or Eldritch Knight might want to use.

Psionic Blast - 3rd level, 30' cone of psychic damage, oddly a Dex save vs. 5d8 damage and 20' forced movement and knocked prone.  ½ damage and no affect on a save. Well, it's strong, and is a decent alternative to a fireball, especially if you have several martials in the party.

Psychic Crush...alright, what actually determines if something is Psionic or Psychic?...a 6th level, 60' single target debuff that is NOT CONCENTRATION and has a 1 minute duration. It's an Int save vs. 12d6 psychic damage and Stunned (½ damage no stun on success), int save on the end of each of its turn vs recovery. This is one of the better single target attacks, mostly because of the Int save and stunned condition, though I don't know if this is better than Disintegrate (more damage, some utility, but a save is a complete success) or Finger of Death at 7th level.

The last spell is Thought Shield, a nonconcentration 2nd level abjuration buff – you touch a creature, shielding its thoughts like the Ring of Mind Shielding. It's very niche (a bard or sorcerer shouldn't bother), but might be good for a Wizard's spell book if you an get a scrolls and are facing Mind Flayers.

Finally, new Feats.

Telekenetic is +1 Int and gives you the now stock invisible mage hand and control of it as a bonus action. You can also perform shove actions with it, which is cool; rather decent on a wizard or non-dual wielding fighter, who often don't have much use for their bonus actions.

Telepathic is a +1 Int half-feat, that grants proficiency in Deception, Persuasion, Insight, or Intimidation and a 30' telepathy.

Well, these are fun half feats...a bit “exactly what they say on the tin” and nothing inspiring, but nice to have in the game.

Overall, very meh. It’s safe, and doesn’t do much in the way of interesting ideas or concepts. Psychic power is such a sea of possibility that they didn’t do much with or distinguish from other forms of supernatural power.

[morshtalon]

Dragon Quest

What would be the consequence in the videogame industry if Dragon Quest never existed?

For those who somehow don’t know yet, Dragon Quest, released as Dragon Warrior overseas due to some complications with trademarks, while there is some controversy as to what was truly entirely pioneered by it, is credited as the first game to embrace and present the common tropes we associate with classic, console jRPGs today. Even if those credits can be contested, however, it still bears undeniable meta importance within the zeitgeist of japanese gaming, and countless upon countless games can have their origins traced back into DQ’s legacy...

For example, Mr. Shigesato Itoi would use it as direct inspiration for his mother series (the first game bearing many similarities to Dragon Quest with some fresh coatings of paint), which later went on to itself inspire a certain game called Undertale, don’t know if you’ve heard about it?

For further example, there’s this one series called Final Fantasy that basically owes every aspect of its existence to Dragon Quest, considering most of its own games are improvements and twists on mechanics taken from DQ’s own installments. How’s that one doing now?

Also, if you scroll down a bit, you’ll come across my Lufia 1 review. Give it a read while thinking about this, if you could.

In any case, it’s interesting to form this “genealogy” and view just exactly how powerful an impact one thing can have within its medium.

That said, it is essentially a 1986 game with few guidelines driving its design, drawn from its own inspirations in the Wizardry and Ultima series of western RPGs, which can have their lineage traced back to dungeons and dragons, which emerged from tabletop wargames, which... anyway, I digress. Nowadays jRPG gaming has evolved into something far, far apart from DQ’s idiosyncrasies, going on to develop idiosyncrasies of its own, and therefore with modern eyes the game doesn’t even feel like it belongs in the same place. I’ve read reviewers having trouble distinguishing nostalgia from things that are actual merits of the game, and the answer to the question of whether it is an antiquated piece of vaporware belonging in a museum or the aforementioned different approach to concepts that have drifted away over the years is difficult to answer with that state of mind. The first time I played DQ to completion was in 2018, so bearing absolutely no nostalgia for it, I will aim to answer this question in the clearest manner possible.

Dragon Quest is the story of one lone dude with historically inaccurate viking headwear on a bloodline-driven quest to square off against a not-ancient (!!!) evil dude, who took an incandescent lightbulb (that really has no point being there at all), painted it black so the light wouldn’t shine through the coating and that resulted in the land being overrun with monsters conveniently spread out from his fortress to the hero’s starting position in a balanced scaling level of difficulty, in order to provide the hero with the opportunity to build up his muscles and learn healmore eventually because you can’t win the game without it. In the way, there are no plot surprises, there are no rivals, heck, there aren ‘t even any friends (though there is one quite friendly character), you have one major goal given to you right at the start that never changes and one minor one that’s entirely optional and also pretty much given to you at the same point, a cute little world to explore, a few puzzle-esque minor hoops to jump through in order to reach the final dungeon (which together probably don’t amount to half an hour) and tons and tons and TONS of level grinding to do. But how does it execute it all?

Depending on what you’re looking for, holding dragon quest up to scrutiny with the most recently released wizardry or ultima at the time is akin to comparing a book to a movie: many of the complexities and raw content of the formats being used are eschewed in favor of a simpler, trimmed-out experience with a more visual approach (which is humorous now considering the intense density of text contained in DQ in comparison to modern games). Yuji Horii intentionally designed the game to be an experience that newcomers would find easy to learn but veterans would still dive into the intricacies of the mechanics. There is only one party member, only one enemy per battle, only 2 stats besides HP and MP, spells are few and perform simplistic effects, equipment follows a straightforward progression with no multiple choices to he found and the list goes on. To that end I must say I don’t agree with the second part or Mr. Horii’s statement: of course there ARE people who dissected the entire game and have figured out, mattered and exposed every single assembly line there is about this product, but only liminal knowledge of the mechanics is required for one to complete the game, and there is an at best marginal need to even know what’s going on in order to play it with reasonable success; there is just THAT little to it. The most complex strategies involved in the battles amount to casting sleep or stopspell beforehand to prevent enemies from murdering you if you are at a suboptimal level and otherwise wailing away until one or the other gives in.

Is it possible, then, that one of the pivotal and more dearly beloved games in history only achieved its success due to favorable circumstances and a nice (at the time) coating of paint hiding an otherwise non-daring and understimulating product?

...Yes. It is entirely possible. It’s happened many times before with other media, and it’s happened many times since. So is the game a piece of shit? Well... that’s a more complicated answer.

You see, with many future dragon quest games; there’s always something or other I can pinpoint as being  a particularity pioneered or otherwise codified and popularized by dragon quest. For example: 2 made popular the common party member progression utilized in many RPG’s throughout time; 3 brought party customization and archetypes (mostly reworked from its blood fathers) into the mainstream; 4 had that AI controlled party member thing and a creative chapter-based method of storytelling (not to mention having a plot back in the day), and so on. Up until now, I hadn’t been able to do the same for the first installment; as previously showcased, the game doesn’t really have innovation, it’s just a simplified version of older stuff.

Then it hit me: the keyword I’ve been looking all along is structure. It’s so obvious to me now that it baffles me I hadn’t thought of it beforehand.

Allow me to illustrate: Ultima barely knew what to even do with its numbers. Levels didn’t serve any purpose for at least 2 games, HP was gained extremely arbitrarily and so were weapons, dungeons also served little to no purpose and there were more red herrings in the game than not-red herrings. Wizardry was more functional but no less loose; party members were these transient things that sort of mattered but sort of didn’t, stats rose and fell in a completely arbitrary fashion and it was once again difficult to discern any practical function in them whatsoever (there are still discussions nowadays about what exactly they do, with only at best vague answers based on more common sense things). Dragon Quest, in its simplicity, had a clear-cut, very obvious flow, everything does exactly what you think it does, nothing is ever lost arbitrarily and items and equipment are beseeched and acquired in 100% non-obtuse, sensical and understandable fashion with no need for peripherals outside the game. This set the base for further development and complexity as the series went on without ever losing track of the main, core design principle of “anyone could pick this up and spend very little time internalizing the concepts herein”. As the complexity began to accumulate, Horii’s statement forged its path to full realization, and along with Dragon Quest, basically every single jRPG followed suit in its advances.

Therefore, this game’s -practical- importance is still, in my opinion, entirely credulous and valid; it’s a stepping stone and a filter, in its reductiveness refashioning dated concepts and sculpting the mindset of players for the ushering in of a new, refined design philosophy, one which would be built upon by its own successors too, but also its peers, all collectively working to fully inject and transform RPG gameplay into the idiossyncratic identity it retains in electronic gaming to this day.

So, that’s all nice and good to discuss, but what is one’s emotion and response when actually playing the game?

There’s no way to answer this question outside of 100% personal input, so in my humble opinion, it’s enjoyable-ish for the right mindset. I already went into it knowing that I would have to appreciate some stuff more conceptually than practically, and I did in fact get enthralled by its offbeat quirks, for what it’s worth. The game really is one “big” item collection puzzle, almost a simplified King’s Quest if you took out the battles, and this worldwide exploration quest would go on to dominate early DQ’s core mindset, with 5 being the first one to break away from it and offer a more linear progression. Frankly, I really enjoy the fact that these old games can get away with disregarding logic sometimes in favor of making the puzzles more interesting (i.e. abusing map boundaries to circle around city walls and access a secret area), and I’m glad the precedent, for a while, was set with DQ, without going overboard with oblique design the way point and click games usually did - perhaps as a byproduct of the memory being busy handling the RPGness of it - and becoming far more fun for it. As previously stated, there is a lot of level grinding, and nothing can really prepare you from the hours of boredom walking left and right waiting for a random encounter, which does act in the game's detriment, but the remakes have softened up the chore I guess so there’s always that option.

Synthesizing the museum piece and actual game aspect of it, Dragon Quest, to me, deserves a 6 out of 10. It is, unfortunately, too simplistic to warrant any higher a rank, and focuses far too much of its time on gameplay that isn’t fun, almost enough to surprise me that the game fared so well, being so intimidating with its earlygame grinding. As I said, however, its importance hoists what fun the gameplay does have into bearably numbing status, and it will give you a feeling of accomplishment when you do strike that death blow against the final boss, like you completed an initiation ritual. I’d recommend it if you’re a genre enthusiast, but you probably already played it if you are so...

[onion-souls]

A Comprehensive Guide to Everything in Xanathar’s Guide to Everything

Alright, let’s dive into this shitfuck after a cut. THIS IS LOOOOONG

After a couple of pages that talk about how to use this book and its compatibility and standing within the ranks of the core books, we get into the real meat, the new subclasses.

Let’s start with the Alchemist. LOL, it isn’t here despite all the UA work that went into it, fuck you, I want to die

(Unrelated book review: This book sucks)

Actually first up is barbarian. Each class gets a nice set of tables for new shades of characterization. Barbarians get personal totems, tattoos, and superstitions, though the superstition one is a bit to biased towards a human point of view. You can always and easily tweak it, but still.

Barbarian has weirdly become, with the exception of the Berserker, a supernatural martial class. Rather interesting, considering it is the worst possible multiclass with casters.

Ancestral guardians seems to be built around two themes: the eponymous ancestor worship, which gives them a fun social ability at level 10, and true tanking. By true tanking I mean not just being a lump of resistances and hit points like other barbarians, but a set of abilities that make you a priority to hit, defend allies, and retaliate against foes. This is a fun set of abilities and themes, and I would, as a DM, love to give a player a lot to work with here – fleshing out personalities within the character’s ancestry, conflicts with cousins and predatory necromancers, awesome ancestral swords, and maybe that horn that summons ghostly warriors as a capstone artifact. This is the kind of character where I’d want to hash out a genealogy with a player, which is an amazing desire for a simple barbarian archetype to inspire.

Path of the Storm Herald is rather strange since “elemental barbarian” isn’t a common archetype I’ve seen, but it has something of the Totem barbarian’s fun sub-customization (would have been nice to see more totems as well, to be honest). Their first ability is a weird aura. Desert gets a terrible, poorly scaling ring of fire that hits allies (hey, look, 6 fire damage at level 20, hope your DM likes to use goblins at epic scale). Sea doles out a lightning spike against opponents, Tundra gives your allies some temporary HP, a round, which is somewhat fun way to shave off a bit of collective damage as I guess you simulate what’s it like to be Siberians. Their 6th level ability gives a nice mix of travel abilities; desert barbs get heat and fire resistances and the ability to cause fires; sea gets the lightning-resistant water breather swimmer package you’d expect, and tundra gets cold resistance and the ability to make ice cubes. The final ability, at level 14, gives you reaction abilities to cause fire damage with a dex save, knock prone with strength vs. an invisible sea wave, and strength saves vs. speed reduction to 0 as you frost up the opponent. Nothing in this archetype is really inspiring to me; it feels like very basic themes of fire hot, fire burn, cold cold, cold and such, and from a power stand point is woefully lacking against their Totem cousins.

Path of the Zealot is a religious fanatic, a concept I’ve used in homebrew that I love to see official here. It begins with a nice pseudo-smite that deals 1d6+half barbarian level on a hit once-per-round, and an ability that makes resurrection magic free on you. Pretty fun, and lets you be an irresponsible ass as the gods intended. At 6th level it gets a once-per-rage (that’s a fun tempo that we don’t see enough in Barbarian design) save re-roll, and at 10th level, it gets an ally-inspiring battlecry, which, once again, is something that an entire archetype could be based around. At 14th level, you can vaguely misquote a Dark Souls tagline and Rage Beyond Death, which means dropping below 0 HP doesn’t knock you unconscious, and you don’t die until you stop raging. Which isn’t actually too powerful but my God it sounds so cool and so classically D&D barbarian. I like this archetype a lot, and it would be fun to play this as part of a trio with a cleric, and paladin of the same god, or as a paladin-barbarian multiclass (imagining a raging smite with the level 6th damage spike with a great ax – 1d12+5+4+d6+barbian lv/2+2d8…get fucked, undead)

(RIP AND TEAR) This is good stuff. Zealot and Ancestral are two of the best designed archetypes in this book.

Next up is Bards. They get cool instrument tweaks, a defining work (though this table could have been much longer), and embarrassments. I do hate that they tried to play up how bards as flexible performers but are now harping on you being a musician/poet almost exclusively. In general these archetypes feel like things that could have been spells. I have never been a fan of the Lore/Valor split in the first place; I don’t like that what are supposed to be generalist fighter-mage-thief dabblers are forced to specialize. And come on, shields aren’t that hard to use.

College of Glamour is the fae touched bard, and the description really plays up how oh so awesome and powerful they are. They get one of the rare performance based abilities that allows a potent mass-charming ability, and a kind of Heroism-style HP buff and speed boost (reaction for a full dash and disengage) use of Bardic Inspiration. Mantle of Majesty, at 6th level, allows you to spam Command. Their final ability is a rather potent Unbreakable Majesty that allows you to cast a pseudo-Sanctuary. This archetype is very potent, though I don’t know if it is broken and better than Lore; it also gets its point across very well; you feel like a gifted, seductive performer and on the road to something like an archfae’s power. I like it, and I’m going to play it ASAP, either as Shakespeare or Lucio, though I feel like a lot of this could have just been a set of spells. I just feel like archetype features should be more of a constant backbone that once per long rest things, especially on a spellcaster. Bards are also in the unique position of being able to have unique class-features-as-spells, as they can’t be plundered by those fucking bards.

Next up, the College of Swords. The problem is that Swords and Valor Bards feel so similar in design space that I wish they had just done a simple patch that merged these two concepts together, so riddled are them with small synergy issues and similarities. Part of the problem with the 5e archetype system is how metered out the features can be; this really causes problems with attempts at a full-caster gish. They are so hard to balance that they really only click into place at fairly late levels. These attempts at a combat bard have serious problems with a lack of synergy between their spellcasting and attacking until 14th level for the Valor and never with the Blade. As it is, we are left with a character who is starved for both Inspiration Dice and bonus actions, and I can imagine a gameplay loop that blasts a high level debuff spell, runs in to nova all their dice for 2-3 rounds, and then, after burning out, rushes out of combat to be a caster again. It never quite gets the 14th-level caster-warrior synnergy that Valor gets, either. I’m also not quite happy that they get the flavor of a carnival knife thrower but no way to implement that well. I would probably cannibalise this into a set of feats for Valor Bard to use or use a homebrewed Knife-Throwing feat. At high levels, it does get oddly tanky with a +d6 AC bonus every round if you want. And it gets one of the few good halfling illustrations in 5e so that’s nice, unless it’s a gnome.

The Shadow Bard is one of the odder archetypes introduced. For one, the common fantasy archetype that it simulates is a more competent Grima Wormtongue or the Evil Vizier type (though it is, in fact, a reference to the Dark Sun setting). Apart from the “Bad Paladins,” this feels like the most openly villainous archetype in the game. It also seems like one of the hardest to make work at the table, since several of its abilities require you to be alone with targets to corrupt or frighten them; it has that same issue that the post-Assassinate Assassin abilities have; you need a table willing to let you have quite a bit of solo play, and a DM who will allow that and run with it by not openly fucking you over with GUARDS! GUARDS!

They get the ability to cause a psychic damage smite by burning an inspiration die, and the ability to terrorize with words. This last is rather unique in that people don’t realize that you have been manipulating them, unlike most charms, something we could use more of. They get the cool ability to steal the shadows of the dead and wear their personality as a disguise, though I’m not quite sure if it’s worth losing an archetype’s space for something that could largely be replaced with Disguise Self and Alter Self and some divination. But it is very cool and delightfully creepy. It’s final ability is a long-term fear-charm effect that essentially blackmails a target.

As with glamour’s abilities, these would have made some nice bard-exclusive spells. Especially the shadow-theft ability, which is incredibly cool and overtly spell-like anyway.

There’s some good work here, but I do wish Satire, my favorite character’s class, made it officlal, but you can simulate it with Lore, Detect Thoughts, and a 6th level plundered Zephyr Strike (it had one of the worst 14th level abilities in the game, so fuck it).

Next up, clerics. The God Squad get tables for keepsakes, temples, and secrets, that are mostly stock modern religious people tropes that don’t make sense in worlds were gods directly talk to people, you can summon angels, and demons regularly invade. Clerics get two archetypes, forge and grave. Forge domain gets the at-this-point-just-make-it-standard heavy armor proficiency and smith’s tools, which is cool. You get the ability to buff the AC of armor or a weapon by +1, which is strong at first but falls off a little better, though due to 5e’s scaling it’s not bad at all. At level 2, they get a really fun and creativity-driven ability to burn up to 100gp worth of material to fabricate metal equipment, up to and including duplicating keys which has utility. The rest of the archetype is the typical damage spike at 8th level, fire resistances, and bolstered armor effectiveness, up to making you resistant to physical damage and immune to fire. They also get the potent searing smite, heat metal, protection from energy, and animate objects as domain spells, along with fabricate and creation. I like this a lot. Perfect flavor, simple concept, and strong utility.

Grave domain – which weirdly has an illustration of a lightly garbed David Bowie covered in potions and wearing a lute, which makes me wonder if this was supposed to be a shadow bard – is the funerary god domain, distinct from the sinister Death Domain. You get a couple of abilities that help maximize character’s healing when they are at 0 HP, and Spare the Dying for free, anti-undeath senses that are sadly effected by anti-detection magic so your DM can screw you pretty easily against mummies and draculas. You get to turn crits into normal hits, and the ability to convert a dead enemy’s hit dice into HP for an ally, one of the few 5e abilities that keys off of hit dice as far as I can recall. Instead of the weapon damage spike, you get a +Wisdom modifier bonus to your damage cantrips, that is, Toll the Dead and Divine Flame. Pretty boring, to be honest, and you kind of know exactly what this character will be played like; insufferably. I’d rather have a life priest in my corner, healing me when I’m not almost dead.

Next up, the other, smellier clerics, druids. They get tables for treasured items, guiding aspects, and, best of all, a mentor that can inspire good roleplay scenarios in a way that many of these tables don’t.

Circle of Dreams is the now obligatory Fae-related archetype. It gets a nice little healing ability at level 2, and a really bad protection during rest ability that is easily outclassed by Leomund’s Tiny Hut. Unfortunately it isn’t a ribbon but your entire level 6th ability. The level 10 ability is a nice teleport on a per Wisdom modifier timer. The capstone is a suite of component and slot free spell-uses of dream, scrying, and teleportation circle, which only lets you go to the last place you finished a long rest, which feels a bit videogamey though I get what they were going for. This archetype has some flavor but is very weak.

(This but with less circa 90s paternalistic liberal racism)

Circle of the Shepard is also in communion with the fae and the spirits of nature, but this time is…about…protecting animals… I actually didn’t know how this archetype actually differs from any other druid type from this write up. They even point out how they are most comfortable far from cities, when really it would have been notable if it was the hip, urban druid type. I don’t know why everything here is super bland, when the archetype is actually the Summoner Druid. The main thrust is summoning an incorporeal spirit animal who drops protective aura buffs. At level 6th, it gets something like the Conjuration Wizard’s improved summons, and the rest of the archetype’s abilities buff and heal summons or, as a capstone, let you summon animals to protect you when you go down.

The section ends with a table of animals by region and CR that you are likely to know as a Druid wildshaper. Which would have been nice two years ago.

Sadly, while there are some legs to these druid archetypes, the big problem is how druids have this whole wildshaping ability as a core feature but only the Moon druids can actually do real work with it beyond scouting and cute tricks. Rather sad, really. It’s the druid’s major design flaw.

Next up are fighters. Fighter’s get similar tables to the druid, with heraldry, signature styles, and a cool instructor. This may be the best set of tables for real roleplay inspiration.

Arcane archers begin by describing them as an elf-centric class, which was something I though we had moved away from in 5e. You start with some magical lore – Arcana or Nature skill and prestidigitation or druidcraft – and the key to the archetype, arcane shot. So you get two uses at first, which increases at 17th, 19th, 15th, and 18th level, and then you get a weird damage spike fairly late into the game at 18th level. These allow for elemental damage, banishing, charming, splash damage, tracking, and blinding abilities. This is all good utility, though the fact that your DC scales off intelligence is worrying. The rest of the archetype keys off your arrows. This is a very narrow but powerful archetype, considering how broken Dexterity is in 5e. I like it.

I was looking forward to the cavalier, which is now a mash up of the UA’s cavalier and the knight. Gone are the pseudo-battle master maneuvers. You get a cool bonus skill and a language to represent the high culture of knighthood, and the Born to the Saddle bonus to mounted combat. You also get the UA Knight’s 4e style marking ability, which makes you a strong tank for a while. 7th level nets you protection for your mount. You get the movement suppression of the Pole Arm master feat, and a cool bullrush ability that can knock foes prone. Finally, at level 18, you get to tell 5e’s action economy to fuck off and get a reaction for Opportunity Attacks on every opponent’s turn, allowing you to actually hold the line and shut down enemy movement. Unfortunately it is rather terrain reliant.

Unfortunately, the archetype still has no extra scaling for the mount so it just doesn’t work if your DM doesn’t help you with that; a way to cast Find Steed and Find Greater Steed as rituals would have been very useful.

Samurai gets some cool toys; bonus social skills, the ability to add wisdom to Persuasion checks and a wisdom save proficiency. You also gain fighting spirit, which is no longer a pseudo-rage ability, but a way of gaining advantage and temporary hit points using a bonus action. Unfortunately, this means you probably shouldn’t dual-wield as a samurai and should either use a great weapon or a shield, so fuck you if you wanted to be a katana+wakizashi samurai. Go with a maul and name it a kannabo or use an odashi greatsword. Really bad choice here. STOP MAKING THINGS EAT BONUS ACTIONS WHEN THEY HAVE ANOTHER COST AND AREN’T ACTIONS, STOP BEING BAD AT GAME DESIGN, GAME DESIGNERS. You still get oddly barbarian flavored abilities to strike rapidly in exchange for accuracy and the ability to keep going after you should have fallen unconscious.

(Be the Legend of the Five Rings waifu you always wanted to be)

I’m honestly kind of disappointed with the design decisions that went on in the fighter section. The design team still doesn’t grasp the issues with their action economy, two-weapon fighting, and mount scaling. Fortunately, Fighter is one of the stronger core chassis, with archetypes just adding the gravy.

Next up, Monks. The drunken master is…it’s cute. You get proficiencies in performance and brewing tools, which blends a bit of classical European monastic tradition with a sometimes jarringly eastern class. You develop strange, bewildering movement control, resulting in free disengages, attack redirection, better recovery from prone positions, and disadvantage cancelling. Finally, you get the ability to hit up to five targets during a furry of blows, for some crowd control.

Kensai, the subclass that might one day work. You start with a choice of two weapons that you make monk weapons and gain proficiency with, so pick greatsword, a naginata (glaive), and longbow, and calligrapher’s or painter’s tools. You eventually make your attacks magical and get a small damage spike or +X (up to three) magic weapon style boost by spending ki. At 17th level you get a free reroll on an attack each turn, which is very fun. I’d like to pair this with a Woof Elf with Elven Accuracy for some Zen Archer fun. Over all, it sounds OK, though I’m not going to be sure until I see it in action. I think they might have finally got it to work on a class chassis that doesn’t play well with what it’s trying to do.

Sun Soul is back from the ever increasing waste of my money that was SCAG. It’s been talked about before. It’s mostly a fun range-extender for Dragonball Z cosplay.

It also has a little note were the Xanathar calls people crazy for believing in a soul, in a world where souls frequently walk around and you can planeswalk to heaven. This was written by the same person who did the cleric secret entry. Yeah, the eponymous Xanathar is this beholder crime boss who writes marginalia in this book, but with the voice of someone who thinks they are funny but are not funny rather than a paranoid aberrant evil who casually murders people.

Next comes Paladin! This section sucks seven scrotes.

Oath of Conquest is about being an asshole for an asshole god, as seen with this one-way-all-Tieflings-look-now red edgelord in black monster armor smugly looking at us. She or he has some broken swords on their hip, which hints at what could have been a cool Iron Throne-style armor made of their conquered foes broken weaponry and shields. I’m going to use that. Cannibalized armor set sounds cool. This has some fear-based crowd control, the War Cleric’s guided strike, retributive psychic damage on a hit, and an ability that turns you into a Champion/Fury Barbarian hybrid as an avatar. It starts with a theme of suppression through fear but just…kind of…stops.

The oath of Redemption takes the route of peace. You lose the awesome 15+Dex modifier AC of the UA, which was cool and flavorful. You do get a persuasion boost and a violence-punisher as channel divinity, ways to absorb damage from others, health regeneration, and the worst avatar form. It took the original Redemption paladin’s rather odd suite of abilities and paired it down to a very boring set up.

Worst of all, it took away the ability to charm defeated foes and lead them on the path to peace, you know, the whole REDEMPTION thing. I would just go with Oath of Devotion now that they lost the point and quirks of it.

I hated this part.

Ranger! Guess what isn’t in this book? The revised ranger write up. Would have been a good place, but whatever it’s hanging with the Alchemist in the good version of this PHB2. Let’s dive into the toilet of the base ranger.

First up is the Gloom Stalker, the underdark ranger. Its best perq is the expanded spell list, which is some great expansion on the piddly base ranger list. You also get a great ambushing skill that works great with an assassin multiclass, with a speed boost and a free extra attack that does not consume a bonus action.. You then develop darkvision or improved darkvision, making this pare very well with humans and halflings, the all-important wisdom saving throw, accuracy boosts, and dodging ability. This is some good work that makes the base ranger chassis almost work.

Horizon Walkers protect the world against extradimensional threats, so play this if you would rather be playing Werewolf: the Forsaker or Mage or an MIB. This require a conversation with DM about how much Planar work you’re going to get into. This is almost a mirror of the gloom stalker, with a brilliant expanded spell list – misty step, haste, banishment, and teleportation circle are all very good – and you gain a strange “portal sense” ability, and get to convert damage against a single target to force damage (with a 1d8 spike attached with the standard scaling). You also gain the Etherealness spell at 7th level, a weirdly narrow ability that should have probably been folded into the spell list. At 10th level, you can become a checkerpiece, teleporting 10 feet, attacking, teleporting 10 feet, attacking, and then teleporting 10 feet to gain a 3rd attack. Weirdest attack increase in the game, and strangely similar to the new Ranger spell Steel Wind Strike. At 15th level you gain a “dodge” equivalent that is flavored as going half-ethereal. This is a decent little package, but very close to the Gloom Stalker in many ways with a unique border patrol feel. I wasn’t joking when I said it’s Werewolf: the Forsaken, and I might dip a few levels of Moon Druid just for the wolf form. And Shillelagh.

And then there’s Monster Slayer, with a long UA history of trying to decide what it should be an archetype of, which feels like another Horizon Walker, but playing up the racist serial killer side of the ranger. Their expanded spell list is very close to the Walker, but with a detrimental loss of haste, misty step, and teleportation circle for zone of truth, magic circle, and hold monster. You gain a scan for resistances and vulnerability. You get a 1d6 damage spike against a single monster (your ‘prey’), and later abilities key off this, including a resilience against its saves and grapples and reactive attacks. You also gain a way to counter spells by forcing a wisdom save once per rest. There is some fun stuff, especially if you want to Bloodborne it up, but it feels inferior to its sister archetypes in Xanathar’s and only truly shining against boss monsters. But it’s certainly not bad.

Rangers got a lot of good stuff in this part, especially the much needed spell-list increases, though the lack of Revised Ranger is infuriating. It also really shines with its small but effective spell list in Chapter 3. Art here is pretty bad, with the Walker and Stalker not evoking the classes at all. Stalker is just a generic dwarf, not even a duergar. Nothing about the walker seems planar; give me some Planescape looking hodgepodge of different worlds, not what looks like a desert scout. Slayer is a steampunk cosplayer. Pls get DiTerlizzi back

Now comes the Rogue. Rogue is always fun; really one of the best designed chassis of any of the classes in the game with a lot of janky archetypes. Rogues get a cool set of tables, with an adversary and a benefactor. These are great for building NPCs. Unfortunately, the guilty pleasures part is a little lacking, especially considering that a rogue will probably be more defined by his vices than any other class.

Inquisitive, WHICH I REFUSE TO USE AS A NOUN, Rogue has a weird starting ability that makes is so you never roll below an 8 on an Insight Check…which…alright, well, make it your expertise and I guess you will do OK. Problem is that Wisdom and intelligence is not much of a priority for most rogues, and most of these abilities key off of Perception, Investigation, and Insight. So there go your expertise. Your damage kicker also only kicks in at level 17 against a creature that you’ve scanned. Part of me wants to pair this class with the Monster Hunter Ranger, but unfortunately the best thematic ability only comes up at level 13. Sorry Van Helsing.

(Though he’s seen worse.)

Mastermind and Inquisitive Rogue have distinct flavors, for sure, but I wish they had done as I said with Blades/Valor Bard and merge these two concepts into a stronger archetype with more flexible uses. You can even see where they could merge, into common “skill set,” “aid other.” “Sherlock Scan,” and “mind games” features. I don’t see why Moriarty and Sherlock can’t share the same features. Over all, both archetypes are barely passable and rather hard to make work. I’d probably let a player mix and match between them, or see if I could homebrew an entirely mental score based class out of them.

Sadly, due to way archetyping works, you can never really blend these two similar personalities into one coherent whole without a lot of homebrew work.

Scout is a nice change of pace. Simple and clean; it gives you a nice reaction move against opponents with Skirmisher, glorious free expertise in the bonus skills of Nature and Survival, +10 speed, advantage on initiative, ambushes, and bonus action attacks with a second use of Sneak Attack. This is really good and pairs well with Ranger, Monk, and Barbarian multiclass dips. My only issue with it is that its militaristic feel doesn’t mesh well with a lot of the Rogue’s “criminal” flavor, especially those tables early on in the chapter. This is one of the stronger archetypes

Swashbuckler is also back, and great as ever. I love the swashbuckler, both flavorwise and mechanically. Who doesn’t love the dashing rapier-weilding rake? But it’s been talked about enough elsewhere. Good stuff.

Sorcerer! The poor man’s wizard. The art here is decent; divine soul certainly looks semi-divine, the Storm Sorcerer has a cool TengriistMongolian mariner thing going on, which I hope was what they were going for, but Shadow sorcerer is kind of shit because it’s just the goth stock Tiefling (hey, remember in 2e Planescape where no two teiflings looked alike, and they could be weird rat-tailed Sheena Eastons? That was fun and actually interesting) with, and this is important NO SHADOWS PICTURED.

(I miss Planescape) Sorcerers also get the biggest set of tables, at 4, which deal with how you get and manifest your sorcerous bloodlines.

Divine Soul – no longer Favored Soul for whatever reason – finally gets set in stone. It’s fairly bland, but safe; all the fun tricks come with its Divine Magic feature, and that’s all you need. It keeps the powerful versatility of the UA versions, with you being able to replace sorcerer spells with cleric spells, and you get one free spell determined by an aspect of your alignment. You get 2d4 once per rest as an accuracy or save boost, the ability to reroll dice on healing spells using sorcery points, 14th level wings like the Dragon bloodline, and a powerful once per long rest near-full self heal.Y’all mind if I Subtle Ranged Contagion?

Shadow Magic Sorcerers (rather clunky insert of “magic” there) gets a fun little quirk list (for a total of 5, really) because your freak grandma fucked the absence of light. You gain the ability to cast Darkness using sorcery points, and 120 foot dark vision that can see through this magical Darkness. Kind of treading on Warlock’s turf but it’s fun. Also very good for a 1 level sorcerer dip for halfling and human bards and paladins. You also tread on the Barbarian’s turf with a charisma save to come back to 1 HP when you would otherwise be knocked out. At 6th level you can conjure a Hound of Ill Omen, because shadows are dogs or something. It is a medium monstrosity Dire Wolf, which is weird because monstrosities only exist to make Druids and Polymorphers lamer; it has temporary hit points equal to half your sorcery points, which is terrible because sorcerers do not get sorcery points and you need 3 to summon it (at 10th level, 3 extra HP is meaningless). But this little Grim is fun to summon as a pet. It’s just…weird as hell. At 14th level you get the shadow monk’s shadow step teleport, and at 18th level you can spend 6 sorcery points to become a shadow with everything-but-Radiant resistance and the ability to pass through things as though they were difficult terrain. You can technically hide in objects, it seems, if you are willing to take 5 Force Damage.

Storm sorcery is back grom SCAG, and still pretty good. Sorcerers got some decent work here, but not quite enough considering the classes’ overall weakness and the massive design space; we have tieflings, but still no diabolic and demonic sorcery bloodline yet. I just don’t get that.

Warlock gets a pair of nice tables that flesh out their patron’s goals and tenants, and one for the mark of their service, though this is the kind of think that a warlock player should have in mind from the get go rather than randomized.

The Celestial has a healing pool like the Paladin’s Lay On Hands, radiant resistance and a radiant damage spell boost, temporary hit points, and a way of popping back up after death, which is a weird running theme for Xanathar’s Guide. This class is unique flavorwise, since it is too nice and pure for the rest of a warlock’s flavor, and seems almost designed to be multiclassed with Paladin without the usual Palock flavor dissonance (though I’d house rule that the two healing pools collapse into one for easier bookkeeping). Wow, you sold your soul to an angel in exchange for power and will be dragged to heaven when you die. Drama It’s the Stryper of Warlock archetypes.

The Hexblade is an Elric simulator, with Shadowfell flavor. Weirdly, it doesn’t require that you be a Pact of the Blade warlock, and there are some points where the two concepts stack oddly. You get to curse targets, granting a damage boost, 19-20 crit ranges, and health regain on a kill. Your later abilities buff this curse by giving you a 4+ on a d6 evasion of attacks by the target, and the ability to spread the curse at 14th level; for some reason they decided to nerf this by making you lose the health regain on death, which is just dumb on a d8 hit dice chassis. This curse is another case of a hilarious stack of themes on this archetype, as you are kind of meant to Hex and Curse a single target and go to town. You also get proficiencies in martial weapons, shields, and the always kind of meh medium armor, in case you want to go Strength with 14 dex. Also, the class feature only allows you to make connections with single-handed (or maybe it allows versatile too?) weapons, so you want to go for 20 Dex anyway.

The coolest feature here is the ability to bind people you slay to your service as Specters (the Monster Manual critter) until your next long rest, at which point they run away. This would be really fun to pair with 6 levels of Shadow bard and a dip of Shadow sorcerer. Steal people’s souls and their faces!

Tl;dr: Hexblade with your pact blade while you curse what you hex.

This section ends with more warlock invocations, a generally good selection. Eldritch Smite sits uneasy with me, since you essentially steal a paladin design cornerstone; not only does it deal force damage, but you can knock targets prone. I guess you can only do it 2-3 times, but still. There’s a lot of nice and needed improvements to pact weapons here, and ways to boost Hex’s efficiency. You also use Lance of Lethargy for an Eldritch blast that slows and Tomb of Levistus which lets you entomb yourself in ice for protection. So Mei, you can be Mei from Overwatch, but less diabolical. One big thing here is that a Hexblade is going to choke on these options, and will probably want to forgo to once obligatory Eldritch blast upgrades for the Pact Weapon and Hex boosts, since they get no real blaster-attacker synthesis feature.

This is all good. Warlocks have great design over all and these are nice additions.

Finally, we get the wizard. They get three tables, with nice flavor for spellbooks and eccentricities, and, most importantly, life’s ambitions. That’s some good flavor but not sure I’d want to randomize it. Still good grist for the mill.

The only archetype here is the war mage, but they already have the most, so it’s fine. The war mage is cool, and pairs especially well with the Hobgoblin. They get a great AC or save bonus at the cost of using only cantrips and a +Intelligence initiative bonus. There 6th level feature create an odd Power Surge currency that you gain on long rests and after dispelling or countering spells, up to your Intelligence modifier, and it’s a weird thing to develop and manage with the low gain of adding damage equal to half your wizard level on a spell attack.You gain a concentration bonus at 10th level, which is very good but kind of out of place on such an evocation/abjuration-based build, and it caps out on a boost to arcane deflection. Sounds like a pretty fun archetype, and a better alternative to Evocation.

And wow, to be a bit self-indulgent here, the picture perfectly fits my own war mage character, who was based off of Chinese imperial fireworks manufacturers and had a ki-rin and phoenix theme. Like damn, this is spot on. In fact, the next illustration also has a Chinese theme, so I guess I was right to feel this drew on Chinese military colleges? Kind of strange but cool.

Next up is a section with more influences and background concept for character building. It goes into everything from number of siblings to tragedies you may have suffered to backgrounds for your Backgrounds. It’s really good for whipping up NPCs and such. I wouldn’t want to actually randomize a character with these charts, but it’s good inspiration. This is some good stuff.

Next come racial feats. These are generally flavorful and strong, and intensify the flavor of your race; the dragonborn especially get some nice stuff, with wings, the Dragon Sorcerer’s base AC improvement, and a fear effect traded for the Breath Weapon. Prodigy, for humans and half-humans, seems pretty good as a starting human feat: 1 skill, once tool proficiency, 1 language, and Expertise.  

I do miss some of the ones lost from the Racial Feat UA, like the improvement to Gnomish tinkering and some of the weirder tiefling things like Barbed Devil skin.

There’s a picture of a sprite that wants you to fuck him here, despite that not being a race covered by these feats. Speaking of races not covered, none of the Volo’s Guide races get covered, which sucks because they had serious differences from mainstream demihumans.  I’d probably extend the Half-Orc stuff to Orcs and the Goblinoids, Fade Away and Fey Teleporations to Firbolgs, and the human material and Flames of Phegethos (reflavored for Poison) to Yuan-Ti Purebloods. Purebloods could have used a feat chain to turn them into snake-handed, snake-tailed, or snake-headed Malisons and such, maybe all the way up to Abominations and Anathemas.

(GOALS) CHAPTER 2: Dungeon Master’s Tools.

After some weak sauce writing on falling and falling asleep, including the Exhaustion rules which only require a DC10 Con save to avoid if you don’t sleep for 24 hours (OK, that’s easy for some classes), we get to descriptions of what all those artisan’s tools actually do. FUCKING FINALLY. This is good stuff. They tell you exactly what you can do with them, DCs for challenges, and what you should know from Arcana, History, Investigation and such checks. This is probably the most necessary part of the entire book. This also absorbs a lot of those Tool Proficiencies feats, though with nerfs all around.

Forgery kits and Disguise kits can help get you advantage on Deception checks btw, so my Deception Expertise charlatan bard is going to be a fucking monster.

Oh, and Gaming Sets give you possible advantage on Insight and Sleight-of-Hand checks against your opponents, which is a fun use that is both potent and something I hadn’t considered.

Next up comes more information on spell identification and interactions with grids, and encounter building; a lot of this seemed extremely obvious to me, and I thought it had already been covered between the DMG and PHB, but the monster CR tables are better than what I remember. And then, finally, the Random Encounter Tables we’ve been needing. GOOD GOOD GOOD.

A section on traps follow this up. It lays out more complex and interesting traps, including spell-triggering effects, that are far better than the “Make a DC10-20 Dexterity save or suffer X damage” variants from the DMG. They also write up nice countermeasures to them, which is nice to see. Reminds me of the good old days of classic D&D that I never actually experienced. This section also has the only good Xanathar note, where he has a sadistic laugh about pit traps. Now that is something that a cruel, hovering monster would have a laugh about.

Downtime revisited is a fun section, building off the UA. The best part of this is developing rivals who aren’t exactly villains you can just go up to and kill. It’s fun roleplaying work. This is especially good for adventures with a central urban hub. Some of the choices are odd, like the hard ruling that finding magical items to purchase is a hard week of work (7 day or a FR Tenday?) and 100gp. The crafting and spellscribing rules are needed but janky and too cost prohibitive for PCs, which I think is bad design; characters should be allowed to do things. 25 work weeks and 20,000 GP of resources for a very rare item is basically pointless. The common and uncommon items are at least fair and very fun; I would love to have a character take a month worth of free time and 100gp to make a common magical item present for each of her party mates. But holy crap, who decided that a 9th level spell scroll should cost 250,000 gp and 48 work weeks to scribe? That’s a fucking novel.

Next comes a write up on distributing magical items followed by common magical items. You know how I said the tools section was the best? It is from a practicality perspective but this part is my favorite. It’s so adorable. It’s charming and really plays up the whimsical side of fantasy in a way a lot of modern fantasy doesn’t. I love all these items. Most of them have no power at all (though Ruby of the Warmage, allowing you to turn a weapon into a magical focus, might have some potent implications, especially for certain cleric builds, and Walloping Ammunition, which has a DC 10 Strength save vs. knocked prone, could be powerful if you allow to many of them). Oh man, these are so cute. Pipe of Smoke Monsters, so you can Gandalf! Smoldering Armor, so you can get your Percy de Rolo on! Staff of Birdcalls (I heard Chris Perkins made this for Holly Conrad, which is awesome)! Tankard of Sobriety! Veteran’s Cane, a cane/sword! Wand of Smiles/Scowls! Wand of Conducting!

Then we get a nice chart of magical item distribution and man, we needed this.

Finally Spells.

First of all, what the fuck

Bards, Clerics, and Paladins got screwed. Now, I understand that prepared spellcasting means that options have to be limited, but then again, Druids get 30 spells and 10 cantrips. Though they are from Elemental Evil Player’s Guide, so they suck. Also HAHA at everyone who paid $30 for the print out.

But bards are Spells Known casters, so they really got short changed here. The biggest disappointment is that they don’t get Danse Macabre, even though it’s so bardic sounding and flavorful, or Power Word Pain, even though bards get all the other Power Words and are the only class that can ever use Power Word Heal. I do not understand a lot of these choices, though at least they get Charm Monster for the otherwise sparse Bardic 4th level – it’s really just Polymorph and Greater Invisibility until you get to the overchoked 5th level of Bards. Skill Empowerment is OK, though it’s requirement that the target be proficient already sucks the fun out of it; it could be a fun emergency grapple/grapple escape option though. At 5th level, it shouldn’t be “a little bit better” than Bless. Bards also don’t get Toll the Dead despite the bell theme or Infestation despite all bards having crabs, which, come on, this is in the same book as the introduction of the Creepy Bard. They also lost Cause Fear in the translation from the UA, and the cool spell that gave you a charm advantage and background music. WHERE ARE THE CREEPIES AND THE DANCES?

Catnap is fun for a bard in a party with warlocks and fighters, as it allows a 10 minute short rest with some Song of Rest boosted healing. Hope you pick up Rope Trick or Leomund’s Tiny Hut along the way. This spell is incredibly dependent on your class’ recharge rates, and is also problemitizdd by (half-)elves.

Paladins got screwed out of spells but at least they get Find Greater Steed, the only steed scaling in the game. This is also a fun spell for Bards to plunder at level 10. See if you can argue your way into a CR2, Huge 80’ Fly speed Quetzalcoatlus for group transit. This is another bit of the mechanics I never quite understood – why they chose not make Find Steed scale with spell slots. I though we had moved beyond the “Greater” and “Improved” versions of spells.

Holy weapon also fills a good niche; unfortunately, a paladin will only get it at 17th level, so it’s actually a Cleric and Valor Bard Spell. Hell, it’s for weapons, not just melee weapons, so it’s almost meant for valor archers. They really should allow spells to be of lower levels for Paladins and Rangers.

Both paladins and clerics gain Ceremony, which is flavorful as hell and great NPC fodder. Also, it and fucking SKYWRITE are the only two rituals in the entire book; I don’t know why they no longer want to support that mechanic.

As I said, the Elemental Evil Player’s Guide spells are back, but many of them are improved. Adele Dazeem’s Abi-Dalzim’s Horrid Wilting went from 10d8 to 12d8 damage, for example, though other problems weren’t fixed. Beast Bond is still useless since it requires a charmed creature, and, in many cases, you need concentration to make a charm work. So it’s maybe Animal Friendship and this for 10 minutes of a terrible concentration eating pseudo-companion. But overall these elemental spells are mediocre, and both flavorful and bland. But good if you want to get your Avatar the Last Airbender on.

(Let’s face it though, you’re Korra, at best)

Catapult is back and fun, especially with acid and poison crafting now allowed.

Chaos Bolt gives Wild Magic Sorcerers a fun, unique thing.

Charm Monster plugs a design hole.

Create Homunculus is nice but probably a bit too high leveled and not ruled out enough, though it is a fine scouting mechanism and filled with alchemical flavor. I don’t know why this isn’t a ritual.

Crown of Stars is fun conceptually and great power wise but I don’t know if we needed another evocation spell like this. I’m not sure how they decide whether things are concentration or not; the fact that this isn’t makes is a strong wizard spell, as they tend not to have many uses for bonus actions anyway.

Dawn is a weird spell, since it’s a cylinder…why is DAWN a cylinder? I don’t know.

Dragonsbreath is fun stuff that I would also give to anyone who is playing a dragonborn or kobold with spell slots (or just at a certain level with a 1/long rest Magic Initiate type thing), and maybe a poison only to a Yuan-Ti. It’s a nice little ribbon.

Druid’s Grove, Mighty Fortress, and Temple of the Gods are the real stars of this show, with great flavor and utility; they remind me of Basic D&D and its emphasis on characters gaining strongholds and followers upon reaching “Name”/10th level. Good stuff, though I wish martial classes, and all classes, really, got a version of this feature somehow.

Enemies Abound is good. Really good. I like that Intelligence saves are targetted more here, and you can deal some serious damage if you rule that a character who isn’t in a fight still sees everyone in a crowd as a foe. This is some potent shit for a bard with no morals. This might actually be too good in a social situation, like a court.

Guardian of Nature is a buff that sounds versatile and cool until you realize that it’s concentration and doesn’t play well with most of druid’s best spells and abilities.

Healing Spirit looks like a stationary version of the already great healing spell Aura of Vitality, and then you realize that it scales and says turn instead of round, and you realize how incredibly broken this spell is, with everyone in your party getting about 70 HP back for the cost of a 2nd level spell slot and a minute. Might actually be the best spell unless it has been erratted aleady.

Illusory Dragon is here too as a high level illusion. It’s fun and deals OK damage in a cone, and feels like a reimagining of the old 2nd level evocation, Wyvern Watch, without the trap aspect.

Immolation got a d6 damage boost all around, and still sucks. Cast it on the Drunken Master for instant Rage Against the Machine album cover.

Infernal Calling, Summon Lesser Demon, and Summon Greater Demon are a trio of spells that remind you that the 90s are over and nobody believe in the Devil’s power anymore. Infernal Calling is the Planar Ally equivalent, and requires a lot of magic circle and warding prep (so a warlock probably shouldn’t use it), and probably will just end in carnage. It mostly feels like an NPC spell and is too dangerous to use, generally, with few upsides. The Summon spells are edgy versions of normal summon spells, except the demons get to make constant charisma saves, at disadvantage if you know their true name, which, good luck on that. They also run rampant for a bit after concentration ends. Clerics don’t get this for some reason; Bards don’t get it despite heavy metal and Robert Johnson. Sorcerers don’t get it even if they’re feindish bloodline that doesn’t exist. None of these seem worth it, really, except for Summon Lesser Demons. Quantity over quality in this case, since the scaling gets wacky if you up cast it.

Life Transference is a nice idea, trading 4d8 necrotic damage for the same amount of healing on an ally, but your wizard should not be healing by losing HP. Wizards should never be losing HP. Even paired with Grim Harvest this is a no.

Mass Polymorph. This can be amazing. Turn up to 10 creatures into a beast. Turn your party into T-Rexes or turn about 6 enemies into rabbits. Turn a line of enemies crossing a bridge into blue whales and turn your party on the same bridge into birds as it collapses.  Polymorph is amazing, this is amazinger. Obnoxiously, the wording of its temporary hit points mechanic means you can't pair it with a cleric’s Divine Word for a massive finisher.

Mental Prison is Improved Phantasmal Force. Bards don’t get it for some reason.

Scatter is a cool mass teleport that can save your party’s ass or disrupt an enemy formation. It’s cool, though too short ranged.

Shadow Blade seems tailor made for use with Hexblades and Shadow Sorcerers. This is another spell I would have given to Paladins and bards, considering it’s in the same book as Conquest Paladins and Shadow Bards. Just saying, there are some theming issues. This spell creates a 2d8 necrotic damage dealing light finesse weapon that grants advantage when used in dim light and darkness. It scales up to 5d8. Unfortunately, this spell is concentration so you can’t cast Darkness or Shadow of Moil or get hit.

Shadow of Moil is a rare source of Radiant resistance and a nicely improved version of retribution damage spells like Hellish Rebuke.

Speaking of Radiant damage, we get Sickening Radiance, which marks a shift in Randiant damage’s flavor – this creates a dangerous source of ionizing radiation instead of holy light. It’s also one of the few sources of exhaustion in the game.

Snare is something that should have been a ranger ability turned into a spell.

Soul Cage is an awesome spell that is sinister as hell; you can steal souls and use them up to six times to either: heal 2d8 hp; interrogate them; use them to scry; or gain advantage on something. Potent and creepy. And once again why don’t clerics and (shadow) bards get this?

Steel Wind Strike is a cool melee spell that fortunately appears on the ranger list. You get 5 attacks that deal 5d10 force damage. Cool, very cool. I wish paladins and warlocks got it rather than spoiled wizards.

Synaptic static is a potent debuff against multiple creatures in a 20-foot radius. Not only do they take 8d6 psychic damage on a failed intelligence save, they suffer a -d6 debuff to all attack rolls, concentration saves, and ability checks, making it essentially a psychic Fireball stapled to a better Bane. It ends on an intelligence save success but can really cause problems. Especially strong against non-Wizard casters, and one of the few innate Bardic direct damage AOE spells. It virtually replaces the desire to poach Destructive Wave from the paladin.

Tenser’s Transformation is fun. It turns your wizard (only wizards get it) into a fighter. +50 HP, full martial weapon, shield, con and strength save proficiencies, advantage on two attacks with +2d12 force damage. It may cause exhaustion, but it is good to have in your back pocket against many foes or as a last hurrah in a long boss fight. I’d especially have it prepared against Rakshasas and the like.

Thunderstep is a Misty Step/Dimension Door blend with a 3d10 thunder damage rider. This is a great panic button and eerily similar to a spell I homebrewed, Violent Ejection.

Tiny Servant is a fun little non-concentration “summon” spell for animating objects. I could see a wizard building an entire spell book around such things now between this and Homunculus.

Toll the Dead is back and an amazing cantrip for darker clerics.

Transmute Rock. Words words words words words words

Vitriolic Sphere. Nobody owns that many 1d4s, and it still isn’t quite as good as fireball. But it’s not bad and all you’re going to get for an acid-themed dragon sorcerer or whatever. Could have used a 3d4 boost to that second wave of damage. Acid is still better than fire in most cases, and this has great median damage.

Wow, look at this wall of wall spells that nobody cares about

There’s Whirlwind, one of the few fun and good spells from Elemental Evil, as it’s some good disruption and crowd control.

Word of Radiance is Con-based Sacred Flame, so strictly worse in most situations.

Wrath of Nature is yet another spell for druids that is a wall of words including “difficult terrain” and ensnaring and restraining effects. It’s a rather decent set of options but I think it suffers in that its diversity pushes it two spell levels higher than any of its components would be alone.

Finally, we end on Zephyr Strike, a 1st level ranger spell that gives you immunity to opportunity attacks 30 feet of extra movement, advantage on an attack, and a 1d8 force damage kicker. It’s also at bonus action speed. It might actually be the strongest 1st level spell in the game. It is an efficient little monster.

The book ends with notes on running multi-DM shared campaigns and 18 pages of names. I hate this shit. It’s a waste of space that could have been used for the Alchemist, the Revised Ranger, anything. It isn’t even good. Indian names? You know how many types of Indian naming conventions there are? You can’t just throw a Bengali name in with Telugu names or Tamil names or whatever.

(Complicated country)

The “Mesoamerican” names are exclusively Aztec based. Mayan names, for example, are completely different, as are Inca. All the Slavs are in one big pile, for some reason Africans are represented only by Egyptian, Arabic, and Niger-Congo names (why them? Not complaining, just weird that it’s just Niger-Congolese names). At least the Spanish names are correctly Renaissance/Medieval in form, like Ettor, Gaspar, Gomes, Mateu, and Ynigo. Weird shit you wouldn’t hear today. Also, not a single family name for humans.

Also, Zykroff is apparently a female dragonborn name. That’s….oddly Polish.

Hey, look, Keyleth is a female elf name, that’s a cute name for a druid who doesn’t remember her spells

Xanathat’s Guide to Everything didn’t contain everything and the Xanathar was written like modern Joss Whedon trying to write like Buffy season 3 Joss Whedon.

7/10 but only because of the common magic items and an actual exploration of what tools do, and 3 of those points are reprinted from an earlier, better review.