#all that 'a little trauma is good for kids/people because it builds resilience' stuff is bullshit to be clear

[a-commas-a-pause]

For me, learning about the less-famous symptoms/presentations of autism cleared a lot of things up regarding this kind of experience. Plus realising that I'm just Way more prone to anxiety than most people and it's likely a brain chemistry thing that I can't really do much about. And also realising that even though I did have one of the most idyllic childhoods it's possible to have, no one goes through life without incidentally accruing little micro-traumas here and there. Especially if you're neurodivergent. Some of my worst childhood memories ever are things like... being told off by a teacher I respected. And I'm incredibly privileged for that! So many people have much worse memories. Most of mine are honestly things that simply Are Going To Happen Sometimes, Sorry. And I had to learn to deal with e.g. being rejected by someone whose opinion I valued. That's a universal human experience! It's part of life! But also - the fact I still remember those experiences years later means that they affected me strongly and it's ok for me to take that seriously and treat myself gently with respect to those memories. I am a very ✨ sensitive ✨ person and that has its benefits (tends to go hand in hand with perceptiveness, for one thing. Also I'm like 90% sure that it's not just the negative emotions that I get at extra high volume but also at least some of the positive ones) but it also has its drawbacks and those drawbacks are real and legitimate.

It's also actually been really worth knowing/accepting that I'm (heavy quotation marks) "sensitive". Because it makes it a lot easier to avoid harmful knee-jerk reactions. I have a conscious policy of keeping my emotional responses to things (often disproportionate, and wildly illogical) as far away from my irl actions as possible because I know there's often no particular foundation to my anxiety. Like I get where the ''trust your gut'' people are coming from - often your subconscious is telling you something useful - but personally I'm a big proponent of "trust but verify" when it comes to gut feelings. And not jumping to conclusions. Rather than wasting energy fighting my own mind with guilt about how I "should be" more resilient, I accept that I'm gonna be feeling a lot of feelings and as much as I'm able I account for that. I used to get in horrible arguments with friends and family because me emotions were just So Loud but I felt like I had to muscle through and continue a conversation because otherwise I'd be weak. I'm getting a lot better about Not doing that these days, and from the outside it seems like I've become a more chill person, but I really haven't. I'm still as much of a wound ball of stress as ever. I'm just consciously choosing to direct it differently - and giving myself more and longer breaks than I was ever allowed to have, back when I was on a strict school schedule.

Anyway I definitely don't have all the answers (or really any answers that you've not already thought of, I suspect) but you're not alone in this, I promise. It happens to me too.

Sometimes I get sad and frustrated thinking about how I had a normal childhood with good parents and incredible privileges and accommodations, and I avoided almost all common adverse and traumatic events, and yet my entire life has felt in my body like I'm being chased through a torture labyrinth by a hateful God

Like okay when i was like 10 I got a regular stomach bug while I was spending the night at mamaw's house and I had a full-blown trauma response to it. I started having panic attacks so bad I thought I was going to die. I remembered every single detail of the night I got sick and developed weird superstitions about objects I'd interacted with. I never wore any of the clothes I had been wearing ever again, except my socks, which I didn't touch for like. 6 or 7 years.

This wasn't an isolated incident. I have searched my memories desperately for some kind of deeper trauma that underlies the state of mental health disaster I've constantly been in as far back as I can remember, and I've got nothing. I was just born too psychologically fragile to be alive.

[unsaidmar]

Call.

a/n: hello peeps! this is a request! thank you for liking what i write, it means the world to me. love y'all. requests still open. 

wc: 1.5k hehe

warning: mentions of death, curse words, sad stuff.

pairing: spencer x bau! reader.

plot: For the first time, you’re not where he is. It drives you crazy. 

--------------

You considered yourself quite the resilient person. Emotions got to you but never incapacitated you. Danger was a given in the career path you had chosen and the prospect of it was something you were used to, but never like this. It was always your own life you were worried about, but the BAU had taken the grasp you had on your job and your reality and completely redifined it.

Being guarded with your emotions and affections was a defense mechanism you had developed thanks to your experience in law enforcement. People always got hurt and you had to move on from it, that’s just how it was. But the BAU was the one to break the mold.

Those people had been through a lot together, the good, the bad and the ugly. They had seen it all and done it all, and now you were a part of it. They took you in and accepted you like you hadn’t just joined the team and you let them. Soon enough, Rossi was walling you “kid” and kissing both your cheeks when he greeted you, Morgan was fist bumping you when you made stupid jokes and you were going out to dinner with Emily, JJ and Penelope. Not one of them hesitated to put their life on the line with or for you, and it shook your world.

All of a sudden it wasn’t just yourself you had to worry about, because every person walking into burning buildings and hostage situations with you was your family. You loved every one of them and losing them scared you a lot, enough to feel like your heart was beating out of your chest whenever they were in danger.

And still, you had to go and fall in love.

Spencer had woven himself into your life, your routine, your work life and eventually your heart. It felt like he was marking his territory before he knew he was doing it, something resembling a person moving into your home, but the things he left behind were more than a toothbrush or a book. He left his mark in little things you incorporated into your life and it slowly transformed the both of you into a collage of each other.

He started drinking soy milk when you convinced him it was not bad and that subjecting himself to the pain of being lactose intolerant and still consuming milk, wasn’t worth it. You stopped leaving your windows open at night when he freaked you out about stray cats taking residence in your couch and potential burglars getting in. And those absolutely inconsequential things were forever going to be a gift you had given each other, no matter what came out of your relationship, even if you went your separate ways. Which, you never did.

Three years into working at the BAU, and two into your relationship with Spencer, you got married. The both of you figured that the wait was not necessary because you knew very early on that that was it, you were it. Next thing you knew, your fourth wedding anniversary was coming up, and so were many other things.

After getting kidnapped and shot, you were never the same. You had come to terms with dying, you wanted it to happen so you didn’t have to deal with the inevitable trauma that came with surviving, but you weren’t that lucky. Everyone had been worried about you and the living ghost look you were sporting. It looked like you were re living the situation in your head every moment you were awake, and that was indeed the case. It haunted you when you were sleeping and it consumed you when you were awake, so Hotch made you take a break.

Stubbornness was your thing, so he took away your badge any other form of ID that could get you into the building, he didn’t answer your calls and only texted your work cellphone to ask you to stop asking him to reinstate you. Being alone with your thoughts was hell. Having your family out there risking their lives without you was even worse.

“Hey Spence, it’s me again… um... could you let me know if you’ve been getting my texts? It’s just that… you never not text me back and I’m getting worried. Is that too much? I’m probably being ridiculous. Anyways, call me back. Or text. Just let me know you’re okay. I love you.” You sighed and put your phone down for what felt like the twentieth time in the last half hour.

This had never been the case. You were never the worried spouse that had to rely on phone calls or texts to communicate or to even know your husband was alive. It made you empathize with Will, with Haley. It made you want to ask them for advice on not going crazy. Your mind was already going rouge.

I can’t be a widow. I can’t mourn the love of my life, how does anyone? What happens if I lose him? How foolish of me to have dismissed this when we got married. We’re FBI agents, for the love of God. We point guns and have them pointed back at us for a living. I’ll have to take my ring off. Do I keep it? I can’t look at it if he’s gone. Who picks out the dress for the funeral? If I have to do it, I’ll go insane. I can’t bury him; I can’t go watch them lower him to the ground. I will just cremate him and split his ashes so his mom has him too. His mom. That woman won’t be able to bear outliving her baby. God, please pick up the fucking phone.

You: Honey, please text me back!!! Have someone text me for you, idc.

You: Spence, charge your phone.

You: Why is Derek not texting me back either?

You: Are you angry at me?

You: I’d rather you tell me if you’re angry. Don’t ghost me when you’re on a case.

You: Spencer.

You: I’m calling Penny.

Three rings it took for Penelope to answer.

“Hi my sweet, beautiful, ____. How can I be of assistance to you at this indecent hour of the morning/night?” She chirped, her tone already relaxing you. She would be the first to know if something had gone wrong.

“Hi Penny, do you have any word on the team? I keep calling and texting Spencer and he hasn’t gotten back to me. It’s been like three hours.” You said, holding back the tears.

“Oh, sweet stuff. Last I heard, they were delivering the profile. They’re in Kansas and there was a tornado warning. The power is out. Maybe all of their phones ran out of battery.” She tried to reassure you, like always, already knowing what was happening in your head. “Is everything okay? Have you slept?”

“Not really. Spence stopped replying and I got anxious.”

“Don’t worry hun, bad news travel fast.”

“Yeah, yeah… you’re right. I should…”

Before you could finish your sentence, the door creaked open and you saw a defeated looking Spencer hang his jacket and take his shoes off trying to be quiet, assuming you were asleep. You felt the color come back to your face and you dropped the phone on the couch without even making sure you had ended the call.

“Oh, thank God.” You ran to him and aggressively hugged him. Much to your embarrassment, the tears you were trying so hard to hold back were now streaming down your face.

“Hey, hey…” He took in your appearance and instantly worried about you. “What happened? Is everything okay?”

“What the fuck happened to your phone? And everyone else’s for that matter!” You said, letting go of him and raising your voice without meaning to. Spencer knew you never yelled, so he was taken aback by your words.

“It died, ___, four hours ago, the power went out and the generator wasn’t working. Why are you screaming?” He rushed out.

“Because you never texted me back and I thought you were dead!” Your voice was a lot calmer now, much more frustrated and tired.

“Honey, I’m so sorry, everything happened so fast, I didn’t even think about my phone. I didn’t mean to make you angry; I promise.”

“I’m not angry, baby. At least not at you. I hate being here and not out there with you. I can’t sit around and wait for you to give me proof of life. it’s driving me insane and it has only happened once.” You groaned, choking back quiet sobs now. “I can’t lose you. I can’t be the last to find out.” You fell to the couch like your legs had stopped working.

Your husband was looking at you like he didn’t even think about that, like the realization had just hit him. You couldn’t blame him, neither of you were used to that dynamic of checking your phones because the one person you would want to update was always along for the ride.

“Baby, you’re not going to lose me. I’m so sorry, I promise I’ll care more about my phone. I didn’t mean to worry you.” He said, crouching to be eye to eye with you and taking your hands.

“No, no..I’m sorry. I’m being ridiculous, I went crazy. You shouldn’t have to do that…” You kissed his knuckles and slid down the couch to sit on the floor with him. All you wanted was to be near him. You put your arms around his neck and whispered. “I love you, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was losing it. I’m not used to this feeling of not knowing where you are or if you’re okay, I felt helpless.”

“It’s okay hun, I get it, I love you too. We’re both new to this whole being-a part thing. If I’m honest, I don’t like it.” He pulled you to his lap so you were tangled up like a koala.

“I hate it. It 's the worst. I’m done with this break”

“Hotch is just looking out for you, he wanted to give you your space after the accident. You can talk to him and see how he feels about you coming back.” His reassuring words were already lightening the mood, and you were grateful he was fine. Once the adrenaline died down, the sleep you had been missing hit you like a ton of bricks. You stifled a yawn and planted a kiss on Spencer’s forehead.

“You’re tired. Let’s go to sleep.” He took notice of your droopy eyelids and went to stand up. “Have you been awake all this time?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t just go to bed.” You replied, removing yourself from his lap and taking his hand.

“Come on, let’s crash. I’m off tomorrow, we don’t have to wake up early.”

Oh, thank the lord.

“I’ll go to sleep, but I have one condition.” You said with your best attempt at a mischievous grin.

“What is it?” Spencer asked, knowing that tone and that face all too well.

“Get a stupid portable charger.”

[thegreenwolf]

(This post was originally posted on my blog at https://thegreenwolf.com/its-okay-to-not-hustle/)

There’s this meme going around Facebook right now, saying “If you don’t come out of this quarantine with a new skill, your side hustle started, or more knowledge, you never lacked time. You lacked discipline.” Thankfully multiple people have already skewered it, but it continues to be shared around by the sort of person who is trying to one-up everyone else, or who’s just plain clueless–or, for that matter, just trying to guilt you into buying whatever they’re selling.

Now, there’s not a damned thing wrong with self-promotion. That’s how indie artists, authors, and other self-employed folks get the word out. You have to be able to talk good talk in order to get people’s attention. But leading with this meme? Guilting people for not leaping from sudden unemployment straight into the thick of the ever-shifting gig economy? That ain’t gonna fly, Brocephus.

You Have Good Reasons to Slack

Excuse me while I dust off my counseling psych degree a sec, here. *ahem* We are in a very sensitive, turbulent time right now. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, the likes of which hasn’t been seen in a century in the Western world. We are in a hugely traumatizing situation here. Not just for the financial losses, but the fact that COVID-19 has killed thousands of people and left many more with permanent lung damage. We still haven’t gotten a handle yet on exactly how contagious this thing is, how long you’re contagious for, or whether you’re immune once you’ve had it, assuming you survive. We don’t have adequate testing, emergency rooms estimate that for every positive test there are 10-20 people out there infected and untested, and everyone with a cough is suddenly Schroedinger’s COVID case. Governments worldwide are slow to react in spite of the rising death toll. People have had friends and family die horribly from this thing in a short period of time. Even people who didn’t already have issues with anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses are feeling stressed, strained and scared–and, yes, traumatized. This image is guilt-tripping people who are actively being traumatized.

So we’re already starting with a populace that is dealing with this collective trauma, as well as whatever personal trauma each individual is experiencing. Not always easy to seize the day when you’re going through that. And I can think of a few other reasons that might further complicate this whole “Just get a side gig!” thing:

–They’re a parent who suddenly has all their kids at home, all the time, demanding time and attention and food, AND they still have to work eight hours a day from home, or maybe even more if their S.O. is unemployed/sick/etc. By the way, if someone trots out Isaac Newton or William Shakespeare or some other historical guy who managed to do epic things during a pandemic, remember that they usually had wives or servants to do all the laundry and cooking and cleaning and (if applicable) childcare for them.

–They’re disabled or chronically ill, and don’t have the ability/energy/etc. to just go and make something happen, just like that. Imagine if you just randomly got the fatigue from a really bad flu, and you never knew whether it was going to last a day or a month. And if you tried exerting yourself when you were feeling better, chances are you’d slip back into fatigue-land. That’s what a lot of my chronically ill/etc. friends have to deal with, to say nothing of issues with accessibility of resources for starting a side gig.

–They don’t have any money for the supplies needed to start a side hustle, or the supplies have been hoarded by hobbyists preparing for a Pandemic Staycation.

–They don’t have the skills for something that just requires what they already have (like, for example, writing on a laptop you already happen to own). Often these skills are things that can’t be perfected in a few weeks at home, but may take years to develop before they’re really marketable��like, for example, the skill to make a decent living on side hustles.

–They have anxiety, depression or other mental health conditions that make it hard to function even in the best of times, but even moreso in this…well…mess. Even people who were mentally healthy before are going to be developing diagnosable anxiety and depression disorders before all’s said and done. And speaking from personal experience, those of us who look successful on the outside can still be internally hamstrung by these conditions at times.

–Plus there’s the fact that we’re not supposed to, you know, leave our homes, which narrows down the field of potential side gigs by a lot.

Even doing something less financially-wrought like learning a new skill or subject takes time, energy, and sometimes money, any or all of which may be scarce for the reasons above and more.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I am saying all of this as someone who is arguably an expert on the side gig. I have spent the past eight and a half years 100% self-employed (and a lot longer doing it part-time) as an author and artist, able to cover all my bills and expenses, and for a time I was the primary breadwinner of a multi-person household. I have like ten different things I was doing for a living before this all hit, a pretty diverse set of streams of income, even if most of them just up and evaporated in the past few weeks. And while I’m definitely a hell of a lot leaner now than I was a month ago, I still have my head above water for the moment. So I think I know side gigs.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m overall healthy. I have a dog who is a lot less demanding of my time than kids would be. I have my own space where I can focus more or less without interruption. More importantly, I have the skills, the knowhow, the drive and the personality to go out and seek new opportunities. And I’m used to fluctuations in income, though admittedly this one’s unprecedented. Don’t gauge yourself by where I am now. I’ve spent twenty-two years building up my art business, my first book came out in 2006, and I’ve had a series of really good opportunities come my way that I had the privilege to be able to make the most of. I am not your measuring stick, so don’t say “Well, if she can do it why can’t I? I must suck!”

If you’re feeling crappy because you aren’t hopping to it and carpeing the diem and getting everything done, here’s what I have to say to you: Look, you just had your world turned upside-down. Job loss, scarce commodities, sudden lack of outside childcare, restricted movement and inability to be around much of your support system, and did I mention a pandemic is happening, too? Any single one of those things would be difficult for just about anyone to deal with, never mind all at once. And I don’t even know what all else has already been going on in your life–unstable or unsafe living situation, other health issues, breakups and other losses, interpersonal conflicts. You know, normal life stuff.

You’re Not Lazy, or Screwing Up, or (Gods Forbid) Undisciplined

It is totally okay if all you’re doing right now is surviving. It’s okay if you feel like you’re drowning, overwhelmed by all that’s happening both on a global level and more personally. It’s okay if all you can manage right now is to get out of bed and stumble through each day a moment at a time, struggling with a tidal wave of emotions. It’s okay if you’re just trying to keep your kids busy, dealing with a crowded home every single day, or trying to keep COVID-19 at bay. It’s okay if, instead of firing up DuoLingo or opening an Etsy shop, you spend your evenings vegging to Netflix or reading a book or playing hours and hours of Animal Crossing.

Not every moment in your life has to be about being productive even in the best of circumstances, and that goes exponentially so right now. Be patient with yourself, and be kind. You may be one of those folks who literally has to spend all their time scrabbling to try to cover the bills or get some leeway from bill collectors, and you have to dedicate your waking time hunting for resources just to try to get through this week. Believe me, I feel for you, I have a lot of friends in that situation right now, and I hope all of you can find some relief and assistance.

May I suggest something? If you have the energy for something more than the bare essentials of getting by, put that energy toward self-care, whatever you can manage under the circumstances. You can use it to recuperate, to rebuild your emotional and physical resilience. That way if things get rough again in the future, you have more internal reserves to build on. If your usual methods don’t work or aren’t accessible due to lockdown, ask others what they’re doing to keep themselves grounded in this trying time.

Just because you have more time doesn’t mean you don’t have to throw yourself right into something productive! Don’t feel pressured to just go-go-go the moment you have a little freedom to move. If you do decide you want to try a side gig, or a new skill, or learn all about some specialized topic of interest, go for it! If you have the energy and attention and opportunity to pursue something new, it can be a great coping skill during this traumatic time. Just don’t pressure yourself; keep it fun.

One last thing: I want you to save the image I have at the top of this post. And then if you see someone post that meme, saying “Come on, you lazy bums, get up and make that side gig happen! Learn new stuff! Do all the things! No excuses!” you pull out this version, and you look at the edits, you remember that it’s okay to be where you are, and you get back to doing things at your own pace no matter what someone else says. (I find visualizing stapling a printout of the edited version to the offender’s forehead to also be therapeutic, but that may just be me.)

Hang in there, okay? It’s going to be a rough time, but you’re not alone, and what you’re feeling right now is shared by so many people. So just let yourself be where you are in this moment, and we’ll see what hope tomorrow brings. And remember that whatever you’re capable of in this moment: it’s enough.

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[letthefrogsbe]

remember when I was gonna write that parkner fic?

cool so I've decided I'm gonna, but because I cannot write for SHIT and I hate my writing every time I see it, ill just share my outline of what I have so far. its not coherent. sorry. 

Section one: aunt may dies. It’ll be like “it's been 3 months. 3 months since May was shot. 2 months and 3 weeks since she died.”

Something like that idc. Basically this section will base around peter living tony, because he’s not doing well, and he is only 17- which is not actually old enough to be on your own after something like this. Setting is established, with cameos from dr strange (who tony is dating and lives with (yeah bite me, this is my fanfiction i can make it what i want.) it will be made obvious that this takes place after endgame, which also means that tony is Not going to die. I’m not that mean lmao. The avengers are like largely together, there was not as much death in this as there was in endgame. Whatever. Everyone is very nice to peter because they know that for him its either this or him becoming a ward of the state so like.

Section two: harley gets kicked out. His mom finds out that he’s gay (from gossip sources idk) and kicks harley out. Im not going to write them having a big fight like in the moment, but harley will recount what happened somewhat to tony in this section, and then more to peter later in the story. Gay ppl trauma dump, we know this. Okay anywaysss so harley calls tony literally sobbing and like freezing fucking cold. IM SORRY IM BEING SO MEAN TO THEM I PROMISE THEY'LL GET A HAPPY ENDING. Okay. harley explains how his mom kicked him out. Tony asks why, harley says something like “she didn’t agree with my lifestyle choices” like bitterly. Tony is a good person in this (i know, im really taking some character liberties) and he’s in the mood for collecting strays apparently, so he has happy send over the quinjet. He can’t make it himself bc hes in fucking japan or something for the next few weeks,, but. Yeah! Tony also calls peter, who is presumably in bed and feeling depressed. “Hey pete. How ya feeling? Any better?’ ‘Not really, tony. Sorry.’ ‘you don’t have to be sorry-’ ‘damn tony you sound like my therapist.’ “sorry pete, but i do have something to tell you- you know harley?’ ‘only from what you’ve told me about him, but yea. He was the tennessee garage kid, right?’ ‘i mean. Yes. so- he’s gonna come stay with me for a while too- it might not be permanent but it will probably be a bit. He’s about your age, and he just has no where to go (just like u). He’s not going to stay in your room or anything, but with bruce and thor here, he will be in your apartment area.’ ‘okay tony.. Will i have to talk to him a bunch?’ ‘not if you don’t want to- i already warned him about you, so it should be okay. I wouldn’t worry so much pete- you guys are so similar in a lot of ways that i wanted to introduce you two long before he called me.’ ‘okay tony, i trust you. Thank you again for letting me stay with you :)’ (yeah that kind of got away from me)

Section 3: build up. this is a shorter section. Harley and peter are gonna meet in section 4. This section is harley’s jet ride (with an intuitive happy) and harley’s nerves about how he really isn’t worth this (i mean hes pretty intimidated tony sent a private jet just for him) and happy like reassures him. Hes still insecure though. Peter is also nervous bc what if harley doesn’t like him? What if he doesn’t like harley?? Tony did say they would get along, but peter hasn’t really been himself recently, so who knows? Yeah lots of that. I do want to emphasize though- peter is not completely unhealthily coping. Like he has a therapist and he has been reaching out to ned and mj, but its still an open wound for him. Obviously. He still has a sense of humor though, but its to cover these deep insecurities. Like the first month or so that he was with tony, he was reallllyyyy trying to not get close to him bc he sort of thinks he kills everyone around him. Like logically he knows this isn’t true, but he does really think the that non superheroes that he surrounds himself with are very at risk if they know about his spider-man-ness. The only people who know now are ned and mj (may knew too).

Section 4: the meeting of harley and peter. Keep in mind peter has been living in this apartment/area of stark tower for about 3 months now. He actually moved in while may was in the hospital because he couldn’t stand to be alone in the apartment when he knew why may wasn’t there. And um. Yeah. so peter is like comfortable in this space, basically. Also- the reason theyre in the same apartment is because stark tower was not really created with the idea of housing broken orphans in mind, so it only has a certain amount of residential space. Thor and bruce are currently staying there together (although no one really knows if theyre together, or if theyre just best bros who went through some extreme trauma together and are now inseparable. Hmmm wonder if thats gonna come up later) and theyre using one apartment, and happy lives there with his own apartment, and tony and stephen are currently sharing the penthouse, even though thats not public knowledge. Really only the people close to tony know that he’s dating stephen. So. this leaves just the one other 2 bedroom apartment for peter and harley. It has one bathroom, and the bedrooms are connected by a door but theyre pretty big so like. Theres a kitchen, a living room with a fancy ass tv, and a really pretty view (with a balcony bc <333). May died in march, peter got leave from the school in april, and it is now the middle of june btw. Tony is now peter’s official guardian (he was before may died anyways) and now has sole guardianship over him which he has fully accepted, even though peter and him both know that there are going to be times where he has to go out of town bc he does own a company after all. Times like right now. Harley is pretty nervous that tony isn’t going to be there to greet him and that he is going to have to like introduce himself to peter and everything. Cmon, theres no reason to feel like that, he’s the one intruding after all, he should at least be able to handle himself. (<--- harley’s thoughts). Yeah so theyre insecure super cool. A n y w a y s so peter was stressing about harley as he arrived, and so when harley walked in they were both complete bundles of nerves. Harley walks up but knocks. Peter actually jumps (bc spidey sense okay whatever) and goes to get the door. Oh my god these awkward teenagers i hate them so much (i love them). Peter kinda looks like shit, sorry king. He was a little bit crying earlier, then tony called and he switched into stressed out ball-of-anxiety mode. Distractions are good, its okay. Peter opens the door for harley and they like introduce each other all awkward (again sorry) and peter shows harley where he is staying. Harley doesnt really have muchhhh bc he was kicked out and all. He just has a suitcase full of clothes, his favorite blanket, his favorite stuffed animal (yeah whatever bc ofc he does) and his phone/charger. He sets all his stuff down at once. He thanks peter for letting him stay in his apartment and also said sorry. First thing peter noticed was harley’s accent. Stfu. peter asks why harley’s here- ok. Harleys had a long ass day. Too fucking long. He- he breaks down. He tells peter a lot. About how his mom found out that he was gay, and how she told him never to come back. Yikes. Anyways, this is establishing the beginning of their relationship as friends. Peter is there for him even though he doesn’t know him at all. Peter sees some of himself in harley in this moment, even though he’s not talking about himself yet. Eventually harley does ask about peter, and they really just get to know each other really quick. They have these deep scarring individual traumas, and neither has nearly recovered, but they find comfort in just knowing that theyre not alone in their suffering. At least for now. At least in this moment.

Section 5: the next day. Peter and harley spent that whole night talking about what they were going through. Peter said good night at around 5 am (there were no adults around they can do what they want to) and they both got good sleeps. In peter’s case, one of the first solid nights he’s had in a while. Harley was kept up a little longer after peter left, however, because he just couldn’t shut off his mind. It was really cathartic for him to just lay everything out there and for someone to just accept him. Peter told him he was bi, but he was.. Lucky. He had accepting people in his life. May was accepting. God, harley couldn’t fathom having lost everyone in his life, everyone he ever cared about, and still having the heart to sit and talk with the dumbass anxious gay kid who can’t go home anymore. His problems felt so small compared to peter’s, and all he could do was admire peter’s resilience and how he was seemingly able to bounce back from anything. God, peter was something. He couldn’t wait to get to know him more. With that thought circling in his head, he finally went to sleep at oh shit 6:30 am. Peter woke up around 1. Harley at 2. When harley woke up, peter was watching tv and eating cereal on the couch and he just sat down next to him. No words, just sleepy children being sleepy. They stayed like this for like an hour when someone knocked on their door. Enter stephen strange!!!!!!!!!!! Get excited people. Hes just coming in to check on them bc tony told him to, and he didn’t get the chance last night bc he was _busy_. K so now he’s here and hes awkward and he just wants to make sure these boys r okay bc theyve both been through too much recently, and it would be just the cherry on top if they didn’t get along. Him and harley had never actually met before so he like introduced himself and all that. Offered like if they needed anything he was there, and its only gonna be a few days until tony gets back (did i say a week earlier? Im retconning that bc i cannot find it in my writing so it is now retconned). Peter and harley just have to sort of explain to dr strange that theyre getting along gREAT and there is no need for concern….. And peter was even thinking about showing harley around the city a bit that night (something he had not yet told harley, but wanted to make it seem like he was doing well and not acting too depressed in front of Dr. Strange) so dr strange is like yeah !!!!!! do that, that sounds super fun petey !!!!!! and so now they have evening plans

ok ps I wrote this like 2 weeks ago and completely forgot I posted something on Tumblr about this fic idea, and so this is literally just how I talk to myself. was not gonna ever post this but then I decided to because I'm bored. there are more sections but I'm not gonna post them rn because this post is really fucking long already!!!!

[wouldduskwood]

Jake's POV Descendants of Despair part 45

Wait, what?” I roared as I pulled the car over to the verge and slammed on the brakes. “No, that can’t be possible!” I had taken every fucking precaution. I'd convinced her to deploy traps even though I knew she was just doing it to humour me. She had been so sure of her ability to use the routes and escape...which admittedly she had done...but not as danger free as I'd have liked.

“I don’t know what to tell you, someone was waiting on the roof of one of the buildings I had trapped. They managed to follow me a small distance, but I think they were scared of the height or something. They seemed ungainly?” she shrugged in a frustratingly offhanded way. Fuck, could she not see just how important she was!

“I’m fairly certain it wasn’t one of my pursuers, if it was they were going rogue, so not likely.”

I said nothing, but pulled the car back onto the road. Anger, disgust, rage...every bad emotion I'd ever felt was nothing compared to this. “Tell me what to do. Tell me otherwise I’m going to go back there and if I find whoever it is, I will kill them!” I cried as I fought with myself.

“Don’t go back there, let’s do this properly. We go home and we check out the footage from the cameras at the prison. We might pick up on the person if they got near enough then we can plan our next steps.” she stated firmly and with finality. Why was she always so fucking logical, even in the middle of a situation like this?

My knuckles were white on the steering wheel. “I can’t let them go.” I groaned, talking to myself as much as to her. They'd pay a high price...and so would Phil...it was all his fault. He had played on her kindness. He had used her to gain his own fucking freedom. He would pay too. I'd make sure of that.

"You can, you will...because I need you," she replied, her voice sounding distant as my thoughts screamed at me. “Jake, I need you!” she stated again, quietly but with firm finality once more. This time she broke through my cloud of darkness and my hands began to relax on the wheel and I reduced the speed of the car and continued to head towards home.

“Thanks,” I mumbled as I remained staring at the road. “You’re probably right.”

She didn’t reply so I was left consumed by my thoughts. Her pursuer must have been watching us...watching her...for some time. They'd gotten past our line of defense. If they had been more confident they could have caught her. If they'd had a weapon, I could have lost her...permanently. How had I missed it? I'd been sitting in relative comfort in our car, checking software and her phone...and I'd missed the greatest danger of all. The person that could have actually done her very real harm!

I turned almost blindly into our driveway and pulled up quickly out front rather than hiding the car at the back as I usually did. There was no time for that. I practically leapt out of the vehicle and sprinted towards the door, not waiting for her to follow. She would only slow me down on my mission to protect her...and if I couldn't find them physically and destroy them...then I'd do the next best thing. They wouldn't escape my digital rampage.

“Jake, stop!” she growled as we entered the house. There was no way I was going to be stopped. Not now. She jumped on my back and wrapped her arms around my neck, trying to slow me down. Fuck, she was stronger and more resilient than I gave her credit for. Even during sparring I'd never faced her like this. She could be terrifying...in the right situation. “Listen to me would you! This reaction is exactly what they are hoping for! We will make mistakes if we react on emotion like this! You need to calm down!” she snarled in my ear. I continued to force my way forward, trying to shake her grip on me. She couldn't see it yet, but all of this was for her own good. She would see it eventually. I was startled out of my reverie when she slipped.

Her sudden departure from my back had me stop in my tracks. She was on the floor. Because of me. I was at her side in seconds. “MC, I’m sorry,” I whispered urgently. “Please, I’m so sorry.” How had I been so wrapped up that I had risked hurting her, even mildly, myself? she sighed.

“Look, I needed you to slow down and you weren’t listening to me…” she began. She'd played me. “Fuck Jake, let’s think about the greater good here! Reacting out of anger or fear means we miss stuff. It’s going to be time consuming and tedious work, not something that we can complete when emotions are running that high.” she moaned. I had to know what she was thinking. Her words were at odds with everything I was feeling. I remained silent, determined to get her to spill her guts. She was hiding something from me, I was sure of that.

“Fine! I’m as upset as you are! I aren’t used to having people know my steps before I take them! Those traps should have worked where they were placed! The very fact that the person got past them and onto the best route we had planned for my escape...fuck Jake, it terrifies me.” she broke down, rambling before being interrupted by my sudden reaction in pinning her down. Her fear was what she had been hiding from me and I could fix that, take that fear for her.

“Then we go and we take care of it,” I snarled in her face from my position above her. I was so sure of myself, that she managed to take me by surprise. She swept her leg up under me and managed to flip herself onto the top.

“No, we stay here and do our due diligence. We get ourselves out of the mess without getting ourselves into a bigger one,” she growled as her fingers dug into my arms. I struggled under her grip before pushing her backwards off me. “I told you I’d protect you,” I sneered as I stood and headed back towards the front door. She was right, it was for the greater good. I could fix all of it for her. All I had to do was find whoever it was and end it.

“Not like this! You’re falling into their trap.” she screamed. Her screams just increased the urgency, so my paces towards the door became more purposeful. Before I could get out the door, I was hit from behind and fell on top of her. She wrapped her arms and legs tightly around me in a last ditch effort. I usually enjoyed her embrace, but this time it was infuriating.

“You’d really risk leaving me without any form of protection if you get caught?” she pleaded urgently, her voice breaking as she did so. I stopped struggling against her.

“What do you mean?” I asked quietly. Her sudden change in demeaner and the pain in her voice had not escaped me and had me even more concerned than before.

“I mean, you go out there and you risk getting caught by the police or hurt by the person that is waiting for us. Either way, you’re out of commission and I’m alone...again...with more enemies than I had before. I can’t do it again Jake. I’ve been a fucking adult since before I was 6 years old. My earliest memories are those of having to fend for myself, even before I wound up on the street. I never had the luxury of having someone care enough about me to be there. You changed that and I can’t lose you...not you…” she whispered, letting go of me and curling up into a ball on the floor. ‘Never cry for yourself, you made the choices that got you here.’ she repeated over and over in a whispered voice. I was fairly certain at this point that she hadn't intended to be talking these words out loud.

It was so easy to forget her past. Forget all the trauma she had suffered. Referring to herself as an adult when she was just a little kid...that tore me to shreds. She had never felt safe. She had been forced to manage things that no kid should ever have to manage...that most adults would piss themselves trying to manage...how had I forgotten that? In my bid to save her, I couldn't take myself out of her life. I'd be deserting her like everybody else...and it would hurt her so much more because for the first time in her life she trusted someone. There was no way I could go now. I couldn't risk myself to protect her. I'd have to find another way. I put my hand hesitantly on her side. There had to be a way to fix this. Fix the pain that both myself and her pursuer had caused her.

Part 46

[shy-magpie]

RQG 160

Live blog under the cut! Gee hitting stuff I wrote only 1 year ago, look at the momentum!

Ben and Alex are having fun with being the two people least distressed at the idea of Zolf in danger. On the other hand Ben did make him a beefy boy; so on some level he does care about making sure he lives.

"not again"?

I swear to god he tried to blow Zolf's head off and missed by the mercy of the dice. Multi guns on the trap emphasized because "Mr She Can't One Shot Me" is not playing with an amateur.

Is Azu going to do the fling open the window bit?

Oh good Zolf isn't going indulge Earhardt

I love how Alex doesn't pull the blow but doesn't twist the knife. Like it would undermine the whole plot point if he tried to pretend Earhardt just needed a day to dry out and a bath, but he didn't go into it or even talk about it on an emotional level. Just gave us the facts, she is underweight because she hasn't been taking care of herself.

"do you touch it" Alex trying to scare us and the players

Azu is giving substantial alms to the whole floor on principle. Nope the whole building.

Alex is the best, clarifies a few things for the listener even though he clearly knows that Helen knows it.

Zolf channels all 7 Positive Energies (drawn from Hope) at the whole building as they go.

I believe that is what the kids call "direct action". Especially nice that Helen remembered to have Azu tell the temple to do more long term stuff.

And I think I will pause it at this transition point because it one of those days and I can't get 5 minutes uninterrupted to listen even though I thought I had over an hour clear. Will resume 13 minutes in.

Lets try that again!

That's my boy! No hesitation about deferring to Skraak as an expert.

"Locusts", "you'll see why", what are you doing Alex?

Zolf sets Earhardt up in his room and assists Azu in looking her over. The Positive Energy did most of the work but since RQ is good people they get that even if all the physical side is dealt with she's still going to need some time and help.  Side note: so far neatly avoiding my (for want of a milder word) triggers, of course she's barely spoken but still its nice to be at "natural level of distress at a beloved NPC in a bad condition" and not "is this where I tap out or is the best way out through?". Helps of course that RQ is full of people who are aware of mental health issues & aren't going to excuse abuse but aren't going to write anyone off either. There are bad people in RQG but its their choices, (repeated choices over time) that makes them bad, no one is born evil or evil because of something that happened to them.

"The Heart Beats Faster", I love that Zolf & Azu bonded over those books. Its just so *nice* they have something other than the end of the world in common.

Zolf is going to try to get Earhardt the same food she served aboard her ship.

The Kobolds are great and I love the image of them swarming over the ship

Cel is distressed at the unsorted parts but it sounds like they get to it as a separate step in the process

Oh Cel with a focus for their energy, we've never seen that. I wonder how the others react, I know it can throw people off to see the flip side of ADHD after getting used to the idea of scatter brained.

Hamid has to babysit since the Kobolds are still sticking close to him. Hopefully they've moved past expecting him to go Shoin on them and are now on the "we're only safe under the protection of our benevolent overlord" stage. Resilient sons of guns, its been like a week since they were drugged slaves yet the post trauma speed run doesn't feel forced. Not sure if its worth making a separate post to put in small words things like "when you expect people in power to be dangerous & unpredictable, you feel intensely if not problematically grateful for respect & even temper". On the other hand I have a list as long as my arm of posts I keep meaning to write on tricky bits that RQ does well.

Break

Zolf has perked up now that he has a project #relatable

I love the little tangent on elementals.

"adjust accordingly" I think that means you can do it but you will pay for it.

Tumblespark is such a great name.

The party is just good people ya know? Azu is sitting vigil with Earhardt in Zolf's room, (which he didn't hesitate to give up) while the others get her ship airworthy.

Huh, thought Alex would want to take the opportunity with the Kobolds doing engineering again to poke at their past. Probably trying to keep the emotional energy balanced, he is uncanny at that.

Someone took the notes on his pacing seriously and is making it clear they can't run themselves ragged if they wanted to.

Zolf *bap* take care of yourself. Oh, Azu, be fair why don't you? Yes him choosing what to do with his money includes choosing to spend it on team stuff, but didn't he burn his armor in the lightening strike? And its not like indulging in, IDK, fancy beard oil, good spices or something would kill him.

Zolf is in fact a brooding hero in the chicken sense

Wow Pathfinder without tweaks handles withdrawal with some sensitivity? Or is Alex being creative in his interpretation.

Oh Alex, oh Earhardt, see what I mean about not pulling the punch but not twisting the knife.

Ok Hamid doing the mending while watching the Kobolds is such an image

Oh Zolf, thats a good thought.

Oh Earhardt

Zolf is trying, bless him. Honest to god that someone is trying, does help. Oh Zolf, see this honesty about emotion even when it isn't pretty or simple is why I trust them with stuff like this.

A Meritocrat? Oh Earhardt one last run. There is no bow to tie on it; seriously bless RQ especially Alex & Ben for getting that.

Azu is so damn good at this, respecting the choices of the crew is the exact line to take

Yeah but Zolf would have left the room, he took the "walk away" lesson a bit too well.

Research? Fairy tales, medical, missed the third. Yeah Ben it was killing a Meritocrat or bringing back the dead and we've had an undead arc.

Leave Apophis for last would ya

Bit direct Zolf, but yes I think that would help.

I love how "you chose to do this" is a recurring topic of conversation.

Well shoot all that prep and they don't touch on what I was worried about. Still learning not to grit my teeth when I could take simple measures takes practice so not like it went to waste.

Its my week! I got a great episode with so much character bits, and Casper for my week! (ETA as in the week my name got listed in the patreon thank yous)

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 401

Oh hey, y’all. We’re back for another season of that show we keep watching in hopes it’ll get back to its season one glory Outlander! Since I’m incapable of keeping my Opinions to myself and have no filter after a few drinks, I’m gonna do drunk recaps that no one asked for or wants again this year. Because why not. So buckle up, randos, because under the cut you will find nothing of substance, zero insights and absolutely no analysis!

Before I dive into the stream of consciousness, quasi-incoherent beat-by-beat nonsense, I just want to say that I overall liked this episode. I definitely enjoyed it more from the comfort of my own couch than in the theater with thousands of screaming sycophants at NYCC. It definitely had me singing along to the Federalist Papers part of Non Stop all day though. A series of scenes, tangentially related, introducing the Colonies to the public. Some are obviously just there to just set up the plot of the season or like check a residual box from last season. But some are solid world-building and character moments. And, because it’s Outlander, some are like *side eye*.

But I’m for real excited for the first half of this season! The second half of Drums is a dumpster fire (fucking Rogergate...) and it seems like the show is going to stick pretty close to the book, so I’m going to try my hardest to not let preemptive feelings about that nonsense cloud potential enjoyment of the first bit. Because dammit, I love me some domestic!Frasers. So yeah, happy end of hiatus, y’all!

Ok I don’t want to start off on a downer note, but jfc. I get what they were going for with the 2000 B.C. stone circle stuff, but omg no. I don’t care if certain indigenous peoples really did make stone circles and dance around them as the sun rose. I know they’re trying to show the universality of circles and these time portal thingies or whatever, but by making the parallel with the druids at Craigh na Dun, it’s basically being like “Oh hey! These Native American folks from *checks notes* North America are just like the white folks we’ve been hanging with for the last three seasons!” It came off to me like erasing the unique cultures of the diverse peoples of North America in favor of framing them as a generic group of “natives” who do the white people stone dance. And in a season that’s going to deal heavily with multiple tribes, this really isn’t giving me much confidence in how they’re going to handle the rest of the Native American characters.

I’m really hoping someone else will articulate that better than I did. Because I feel like I’m not communicating well what my actual issue with the sequence was.

Petition to make Jamie wear a hat at all times to hide his horrible bangs.

Gavin Hayes has to be being hanged for literally the dumbest crime ever. But he seems pretty chill about it so...

Ok I never liked book!Bonnet as a character (like obvi he’s a terrible person so I was never going to like him as a person, but I was always annoyed that he was still around rather than appreciating him as a villain), but even from that presumptuous “yeah can I snag some rum too, bruh” in the jail, I’m like solidly on board with show!Bonnet.

Jamie tried to save Hayes, but you see Hayes straight up killed a guy. Sure it was in self-defense, but, y’know, ye olde times and he did kill the dude. Sooo...

I want to feel for Lesley, I really do, but I’ve never actually given a shit or been given a good reason to give a shit about Rupert and Angus 3.0 so, sorry for your loss?

Unpopular opinion alert (should be the standard disclaimer on all of my #hottakes) but I really don’t care for the new theme music. Every time they change it, I find myself wanting the OG season one music back with just the images updated.

The bald eagle for the title card just gives me such mixed feelings that have nothing to do with the show. Like here’s a symbol of my country and it *should* invoke good feelings, but *gestures at the current political climate* every national symbol at the moment feels tainted by the growing white nationalist movement that’s being spurred on by the current administration.

Time for some post hanging brewskis. We are here to mourn Gavin Hayes. Who died only so the new villain could be introduced. Let us bow our heads.

Marsali and Fergus win the prize for least subtle “can we be excused to go bang” ever. Rock on, Fersali.

I fucking LOVE that they changed the tavern scene so everyone sings with them like they know what’s going on rather than how in the book it was like them making fun of the red coats as part of Gavin’s song and then Fergus passed around a hat for coins. But by having everyone in the tavern in on what’s going down and earnestly participating, it establishes that 20+ years after the failed Rising, after the Clearances, after everything the Scots went through at the hands of the English, they were not truly defeated. They may have moved across an ocean, but they are still Scottish and they still practice their traditions and dammit I’m having feelings about those resilient motherfuckers.

The scene with Jamie and Ian is very well done and I’m SO glad they included it because they did in fact include his rape last year, but fuck the show for including that rape in the first place. A very similar version of this scene could have been done without the rape, there’s enough trauma involved in being kidnapped, taken across the ocean, held hostage by a batshit lady and knowing that everyone else she kidnapped ended up dead for one 16 year old kid. With Jamie’s rape we got two episodes of trauma and four of recovery. With Mary, Fergus and Ian, we get three child rapes that could have all been avoided (especially Ian’s, but the plot points that come from Mary’s and Fergus’ could have definitely come about without them actually being raped), and they all just got one brief scene to express their trauma and then everything’s hunky dory again. (We know they’re going to include Bree’s rape, also fuck them very much for that, it’s completely unnecessary, and I’m guessing we’ll spend some time with her on her recovery. But that’s a rant for when we get there...)

For real though, Jamie parroting Claire as he comforts Ian is super sweet, but it makes me skeptically nervous for how he’ll react to Bree’s. Since in the book, it’s...not great.

Stephen Bonnet is so delightfully smarmy. Also, how fucking naive is our main squad now all of a sudden that they don’t realize from the jump what a sociopath he is? C’mon, y’all. Like I know Jamie came close to being hanged or whatever, but literally everything about this dude screams that he’s bad news. He is not subtle in his I’m a straight up unapologetic and charismatic good guy criminal. And like, he’s a friend of Gavin? Come the fuck on, squad. HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THAT HE IS FULL OF SHIT. *gets Det. JJ Bittenbinder on the horn*

For real though, dodgy accent aside, I fucking love Ed Speleers in this role. Why the fuck do they have to include the rape. Can’t he just be a bastard without being a rapist? Why must you make me rage, show. I just want to enjoy a decent villain.

Jamie and Claire are doing their best Jean Ralphio and Mona Lisa Saperstein trying to talk their way through this checkpoint.

“You’ve never parted with the ring from the first?” Yeah, I don’t get it either, Bonnet my dude. I don’t get it either. #FuckFrank

Bonnet talking about circles fascinating him makes me think he’d do well in a group of stoners having what they think are philosophical conversations at 3:00 a.m. “But like guys, have you ever like thought about...the rhombus?”

For real though, him being real with Claire about this drowning stuff makes him an infinitely more interesting villain than Black Jack ever was. Black Jack was kind of a crap villain tbh. He was horrible and did horrible things, yes, but like that was it. He was just horrible. Bonnet’s like oh I’ll charm you, be real with you and then fuck you up in the course of one episode and not give any of it a second thought because I have not a single fuck to give about anyone but me. I’m just out here living my best life, sorry not sorry. *puts on shades, drops mic, walks away*

For real though, his “be wary of thieves and outlaws” line might as well have been “it’s me, I’m talking about me.” And these dorks don’t even pick up on it. GUYS YOU ARE KILLING ME, YOU DIDN’T USED TO BE THIS SHITTY AT JUDGING SOMEONE’S CHARACTER.

I’m guessing this is the official christening-their-new-continent-bang because it’s too cold to do River Sex™ in Scotland. But I’m looking forward to getting the rest of Ch. 16 once they get to the Ridge. (We all saw those strawberries in the promo...)

The book lines still feel shoehorned in rather than organic to the show, but not as much as 95% of A. Malcolm felt. So I guess I need to just accept that the writers are going to keep doing this and I just need to stop expecting them to actually do their jobs and adapt for the adaptation...

For real though, I know Spotify doesn’t exist yet but jfc Jamie and Claire’s secksi time playlist literally just has this one song and guys, there’s a whole world of songs for smushing out there. My man Doug Judy would be glad to broaden your horizons.

Claire’s I just had sex smile as she looks out over the valley made me literalol.

Cool that we get woke!Jamie saying that the American Dream is a nightmare for the Native Americans after Claire’s Americana 101 speech, but this is a woman who lived in wicked racist 1960s Boston. She knows that things aren’t nice and rosy in America in the 18th *or* 20th centuries. Her speech makes me hate S3 a little more for focusing on Frank’s manpain instead of Claire and her and Joe’s time in the hospital, where the show could have explored gender and race in the 20th century to set up a contrast for how things will be this season in the 18th. Claire went through enough shit last time she was in the past, and so far this time, to know that the past isn’t idyllic. She knows enough about US history and 20th century America to know this mythical origin story she’s spouting is nothing but a fairy tale. I get why she might cling to that ideal, this is the first time in her life she might get to settle down and build a home with the person she actually wants to build a home with, but her whitewashing history like this strikes me as a way too naive for her.

The green screen as they stare out at that very much not actually there valley is killinggg me.

Ok for real though, this cut from them in the Uncanny Valley to the room getting ready for dinner is the most jarring of the episode. Like, I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is just a series of independent scenes rather than an actual, cohesive whole, but jfc. Who actually is Lillington, how do you know him? Nope? No info? Not important? Just need to get it out there that you have jewels so the last scene in the episode can happen so the ring can be taken so the rape can occur? Cool. Cool cool cool.

Ok so show!Claire makes me sad with being insecure/self-depreciating about her appearance. Like with saying brown is a dull color when Jamie calls her mo nighean donn the first time and when she asks Joe if she’s sexually attractive and when she dyes her hair before going back through the stones and now with the mutton dressed as lamb thing. (Claire, girl, how are you that up on Colonial fashion that you know what’s “age appropriate” already? Wouldn’t think there was much fashion gossip along the road from Georgia to North Carolina, but whatevs.) I know three of these four things are straight from the book, but in the show it hits me differently. Book!Claire is kind of a bitch when it comes to looks. Her parting words in her letter to Bree were “try not to get fat.” She like judged the crap out of that rando lady in Edinburgh before she went to the print shop just to make sure she didn’t look too old. So when she has these aforementioned moments, they land differently. Now I’m not saying I want show!Claire to be like book!Claire, quite the opposite. I’m glad they cut that other stuff. But now whenever show!Claire has a moment of self-consciousness, all I want to do is be like woman, you are a fucking smokeshow. Fuck the patriarchy for making you feel like you aren’t stunning exactly as you are. #LadyBonerForBeauchamp

Oh Governor Exposition. How nice of you to join our merry band of randos for dinner!

Man, I’d love to be so rich that I can pull a Baron and casually just happen to have 100 pounds on hand to buy a giant ruby at a random dinner party.

John Grey, who was shunted from shit post to shit post, totes is special enough to get Scotland’s Valjean to England’s Javert cleared. I mean, obvi.

Oh hey, Jamie remembers he has a daughter! Showed more emotion in that scene about how America would become her country than in the scene with the photos. Fuck Sam et al. for the disaster of a performance choice in ep. 306, don’t @ me.

OH HAI ROLLO I LOVE YOU YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD DOGGO I WANT TO SNUGGLE YOU WHO’S A GOOD BOY YOU ARE

“I dinna ken. But she’ll be saying it in Scotland, won’t she?” I do love Young Ian a lot. I know that’s in the book. But dammit I love John Bell in this part a crapton.

Casually lol’ing that they crossed the ocean because Ian was taken and now that they have him, they’re just going to send him alone off to sea again.

The first time I saw the episode, when Lesley gave his “my place is at your side” speech I was like crap, we’re going to be stuck with this guy aren’t we. BUT WE’RE NOT! (I am a terrible person.)

Fergus and Marsali are totes going to be the new Jenny and Ian, aren’t they? The characters who just show up once or twice a season when the core squad needs something and that’s it? Because they get tossed aside in the books like that. That makes me super sad (and I hope I’m wrong) because of how they changed show!Fergus and show!Claire’s relationship from the book that we won’t get to see more of them together. Le sigh. I hope they at least let Bree have a scene where she meets Fergus and learns she has a brother. Especially if she’s not going to go to Lallybroch to meet the Murray squad because Jenny isn’t in this season. Part of what I loved about the Lallybroch part in the book was Bree realizing that she wasn’t just gaining a father but a whole extended family. I hope they kind of transfer that over to her meeting Fergus and Young Ian in the place of [insert Murray kids who let’s be honest we really don’t care about here].

Hey remember that time Jamie was wicked opposed to Fergus and Marsali getting married for literally no reason? That was fun. But yay for Germain!

Holy motherfucking green screen, Batman. Please can we get to the woods soon? Or some other location where it’s not this fucking jarring?

Claire America-is-the-land-of-milk-and-honey Fraser suddenly is overly-on-the-nose indignant about slavery. Cool. Cool cool cool. Again, you know what would have been cool? Seeing her with her best and only friend in the 1960s more last season because he was a Black man. If they had let Joe be a fully formed character, navigating racist af Boston as a doctor, rather than just being Claire’s sounding board and martini maker, we could have seen how Claire being exposed to his reality shaped her views on race in America. But nope, that would have taken air time away from Frank’s manpain. (Seriously, my recent re-watch only highlighted just how much they screwed over Claire’s character last season.)

I’ve always loved that Jamie gives Claire the medical box. It’s just such a simple way to demonstrate that he *gets* Claire. (*side-eyes a certain other husband who patently did not*)

Jamie’s bangs are an affront to anyone with hair. Someone please give that man his hat back!

“This ring is all I need.” Aaand that’s when we all knew that Jamie’s ring would be the one stolen.

“Not for a single day.” Uh, *casually points at the episode in season three when she retcons her entire life in Boston to be not as bad as it was because Jamie’s been such an asshat to her*.

Ok. Holy shit this final scene. I love everything about this final scene. Except the song. This show is not subtle. It’s never been subtle. But holy shit, playing the iconic Ray Charles version of America the Beautiful at the end of an episode called America the Beautiful to be like welcome to ‘Murrica, fuckos, is like even less subtle than they usually go. I 1000% LOVE the choice to cut the audio from the end of the fight scene and just have the visuals, it just would have worked much better if they’d scored with with a regular instrumental piece.

Gah, Bonnet is such a smarmy motherfucker! The nose wipe before he coldcocks Jamie is just perf.

Claire’s face in this entire scene, holy fucking shit. *throws all the awards at Balfe*

And then Lesley dies and I’m a terrible person because I’m happy we don’t need to be stuck with him all season. But holy shit Bonnet when he pauses right before he cuts his throat and then kills him, I love show!Bonnet so much more than I ever gave a shit about book!Bonnet.

And honestly, Claire’s face when he’s killed right in front of her. *throws more awards at Balfe*

GUYS I FEEL MORE EMOTION ABOUT CLAIRE TAKING OFF JAMIE’S RING THAN I DID ABOUT CLAIRE LEAVING BREE BEHIND TO GO BACK THROUGH THE STONES HOW IS BALFE SO GOOD AT MAKING ME FEEL FEELINGS

I’m so fucking glad they changed which ring gets taken. There was an interview where they were like “oh we did it because it has to be visually distinct so Bree can get raped!” and I’m like a) fuck you for including that and b) right decision, wrong reason. This is the right reason for the change.

But even as I say that they made the right call in which ring to have stolen, it’s still a fact that they fucking chose to have one stolen at all. The writers and production team decided that Brianna needed to be raped so a ring must be stolen. Because Diana never wrote a character she didn’t want raped and the Outlander producers never read a rape scene they didn’t want to include. Fuck them all very much for that.

Fuck Them Very Much for That, the title of my memoir.

Oh god her face right at the end when she sees that it’s fucking Fred’s ring she’s left with and not Jamie’s fucking murders me.

*THROWS AN ENTIRE TROPHY STORE AT BALFE*

[xhold-on-tightstay-stongx]

I have another rant... sorry

So... I have been off my meds for a while... and it's been causing problems between me and my family... I'm not off of them by choice... I lost my insurance and have been having problems with the insurance company. So anyways, I baby sit some little kids that live next door to me and I do it so I can have some extra money and be an overall good person and maybe even be a good mom someday... but, the thing is, my mom and I have been doing nothing but fight the last few days and I often find myself wondering if it's because I haven't had all the medications that keep my brain functioning like a normal persons... even more, I know that it in all reality is my fault we're fighting so much. I spend a lot of time on my phone and doing stuff for other people that it's like I dont do anything for my mom. But I would do anything for her if she wanted me... I dont know if I am intentionally trying to build up walls around myself to make it less painful for when I leave or if I am trying to distance myself because I don't want her to see how shitty I've been doing lately. I love her with my whole heart that every time we fight I end up crying and thinking she hates me... which I know isnt true and I know that she loves me and supports whatever I do in my life. But we still fight and argue and everything is a mess because I cant function like a normal adult because I can't control my moods or emotions or stay focused on something. And that's the major problem for me... I get distracted and then I end up going into my own little world of whatever and forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I try to be a good daughter... I've been trying to be better than I was yesterday for the last 5 years. Some days I'm good at it... some days I utterly suck at it... I've only had one big achievement in my life and that was getting past the ideation and the self harm and made it to the next day. All my other achievements were pretty minor... I graduated on time... I started college... I turn 20 tomorrow... but honestly... what I really want is to be able to make my mom happy and it not be a constant fight between her and I anymore. I dont like fighting with her and I don't like knowing that it could have been avoided if I was just able to function normally. I would love for a day where it could be just me and my mom without her feeling bad or me feeling bad and for us to get along and for us to have fun together again... I miss being able to go do things with her and not stressing out about if things got done at home or if my dad will be in a bad mood when he gets home or anything like that. I want to be able to have my mom back to where we used to be... before I was fucked up and had to rely on my medications to make me feel normal and for me to feel like I wasn't on the edge of a mental explosion constantly or waiting for something to go horribly wrong. I miss the days when things weren't bad and when it was ok for us to argue about something and then we would make up with an "I'm sorry" and a hug. Now any more it's an "I'm sorry" and it gets twisted around into something even worse than before.

I know it sounds prolly stupid to alot of people and like an excuse for my actions and why I've been such a shitty person and lousy daughter but I have been dealing with Bi-polar type 2 for the last 5 years, anxiety, different forms of depression, insomnia and, constant migraines, I was also diagnosed with ADHD at 12 and have been on medications for all of this since the diagnosis. 5 years ago, I wanted to kill myself it was for reasons that I don't want to get into at the moment. I spent a week in the hospital getting the help I needed and my mom was always right there with me saying that we would get through it together. And we have, but lately it's just felt like she's tired of my shit... I try and get things done for her, but I either don't do it right or I start one thing then move to another then another and then another and one project never gets finished before another one starts or I get distracted by something and I forget to do what she asked...

I know that she feels under appreciated and like she does nothing but clean, but without her being the amazing woman she is I would never have gotten as far as I am now and I wish she would understand that.

I feel like such a horrible daughter because I can never do things the right way or I inevitably start a fight for something minor. And I was even told by one of my doctors that I tend to lash out at the people I care most about and trust the most as a defense mechanism and because I know that they wont leave me for it... but I still feel like I am the one who is the problem when I have little control over things that I do...

I hope people reading this will understand that I am not just some entitled little brat that is bitching because her mommy yelled at her.

I am writing this because I need to get what is eating at me out and hopefully someone will care enough to check in on me but if not that's ok too.

I also want people to understand something. I've almost lost my mom 4 different times. The first time was the night my little sister was born... my mother almost died that night along with my sister. She was in an accident and was taken to the hospital by ambulance and was really hurt for along time. Third time was an accident that should have killed her, it is a honest miracle that I still have her to this day. She was rear eneded at 55mph while she was at a dead stop and she suffered from head trauma amongst other things. The fourth was right after she was in the last accident. She had a severe allergic reaction to the nerve pain medication that they gave her. I said that I wouldn't be as strong as I was or where I am in my life without her. And that's why.

I am a total mommy's girl. And I can't imagine a world without her in it.

I wish she knew that though. I wish she knew that she is my entire world and my heart stops every time I hear sirens and that she is my hero. My mom is my best friend and the woman I look up to most in the world and some day I hope to be just like her. Strong and resilient. She's been my rock when my world was being swept away and she held my hand and told me that everything was going to be ok when I wanted to die. I wish she could see the amazing woman I see when I see her.

I know that this rant was a bit all over the place but I really needed to get everything out...

[mstigergun]

Tana Reads 2017: MANY THINGS

SO MAYBE I’M BAD AT THIS UPDATING THING, but I’m pretty good at reading, and so prepare for a deluge of little reviews.

We Should All Be Feminists: +3/25

A basic primer for anyone who knows, like, nothing about feminism. It took all of 20 minutes to read. Serviceable, but rudimentary. I’m not counting this one toward my end goal. Of course, the whole thing is made more interesting by all of the controversy that’s surrounded Chimamanda Adichie regarding her statement on trans women’s experiences of oppression versus cis women’s experiences of oppression. I’d re-read it in that light, but really -- there’s not enough substance in this little book to warrant that. Especially when:

Shrill: 5/25

Writing: 5/5!

Feelings: 5/5!

Stay Up Too Late Factor: 5/5!

Overall: 5/5!!!

OH MY GOD, LINDY WEST. I’ve never read a non-fiction book that just, like, punched me right in my feelings so hard. Shrill is hilarious -- you will laugh out loud, and if you’re like me, you’ll end up reading some sections that make you pause, go back, and re-read to just marvel at the truth Lindy West is laying down. I borrowed this from the library and just devoured it, and it’s gone straight on my to-buy list because there are important ideas in here. Insights that are fucking revolutionary. This, to my mind, is feminism done right, and I put this down and felt so inspired to head out into our shitty, hostile, misogynist little world and kick so much ass.

Some days, that’s exactly what you need: motivation to keep doing you, and to refuse to let bullshit social norms and values put you in your place.

A mild warning: there’s a whole lot of discussion about rape culture in this book, as well as some pretty graphic threats made to Lindy -- but they’re familiar terrain to any woman who’s spent any amount of time online.

The Break: 6/25

Dang, though: this book. I read it in about two sittings and it is a hard and really fucking important novel.

Writing: 4/5

Feelings: 4/5

Stay Up Too Late Factor: 5/5

Overall: 4/5

So this book’s really about the experiences of indigenous women in Canada, particularly in urban spaces. It’s also about violence inflicted on indigenous women in Canada, and the resiliency of indigenous women. The Break deals with some really serious stuff and there’s a reason it comes with a trigger warning on the title page. Vermette tackles assimilation, poverty, loss of identity, sexual assault, gang violence, institutional racism, alcoholism and drug use/abuse... The characters are well-realized, the mystery is gut-wrenching, and the personal arcs of each character are compelling in their own war.

There are, to my mind, issues with pacing: we know something awful happens to a very vulnerable young girl, and then it feels as if much of the novel that follows is just... slow reactions to that, rather than actually moving the narrative forward. And I’m still conflicted about the resolution to the whole situation and how Vermette chose to create her “villain.” She’s going for the idea of, like, the legacy of sexual assault and violence against women and poverty -- how it’s all a vicious cycle that requires actual intervention from inside of the community -- but it had complicated enough implications that I was left feeling uncertain about what message was really being sent. If you’ve read Disgrace by Coetzee, it gave me a similarly unsettled ‘what is being said here and is what the author’s trying to say actually what’s being transmitted and what are the implications’ feelings.

So: timely, dark, disturbing, and fucking complicated. I’d love to hear what other people think about this one, because -- even though I read it back in April, I still don’t have it figured out.

Night: 7/25

I don’t actually want to give this one a rating, because it’s Night and I really don’t feel like evaluating a real story about the Holocaust for its narrative, or the writing, or the feelings. And Wiesel is, like Adichie, complicated.

Here’s what I will say: throughout the memoir, Wiesel explores the idea of the inadequacy of language. How it utterly fails to capture or represent the horror of what he experienced, how words ceased to have meaning, how they became broken little things and how the very telling of his experience of the Holocaust is, in essence, re-traumatizing and inadequate -- but silence is worse. And there’s a lot to be said about this idea -- the utter failure of language at actually expressing much of anything -- throughout history, but especially when dealing with trauma. I’m sure there are parallels to be drawn to Judaism and the impossibility of expressing the name of God. There are certainly parallels to, say, The Book Thief and so much literary theory. Basically, the idea of when language fails and under what circumstances is really compelling, so that’s one thematic strand I found especially interesting.

Which is to say that maybe it’s easier to engage with that than with the actual details of Wiesel’s experiences which are, as I’ve said, really beyond the scope of language. So it all comes back around.

Anne of Green Gables: 8/25

Writing: 4/5

Feelings: 5/5

Stay Up Too Late Factor: 4/5

Overall: 4/5

idk how I hadn’t read this before, but I was so thoroughly shamed by both my wife and my mother-in-law that I became a good Maritimer and settled in and read Anne, and let me tell you -- it has aged very well. I was familiar with the story, because of course I was, having seen both the 80s television show and also a play in Charlottetown, but this novel is something else, friend. It’s really, really exceptional. The writing itself is stellar and the characters are fantastic and the plot is so... small? And yet it’s everything? I’m reminded, I guess, of My Neighbour Totoro, in which there’s no Big Bad -- it’s just about kids and life and the day-to-day that’s also magical.

Anne is an amazing protagonist, the setting feels like home, and I love how everything is so different and simultaneously the same (the politics are especially hilarious and eternal, basically). Anne’s romanticism and optimism, her refusal to be told she’s less than because of her circumstances or because she’s a girl -- like, yes. YES, all of those things. And although people have been shitting on the newest adaptation, I’ve got to say -- I love it (so far!). It’s made me cry like an absolute baby and I appreciate the added texture and darkness, because that’s all there on the page. It’s just implied instead of being explored, and I think Anne’s trauma only makes her idealism more remarkable. And that’s what I think about that!

Bonus points: A+ heroine, Canadian touchstone, and giving me a billion Anne of Green Gables references from now into forever (see: wow those blossoms are beautiful, i shall have to call that tree ~snow queen~ and this walk is simply the most romantical, i just can’t help it now)

A Closed and Common Orbit: 9/25

Writing: 4/5

Feelings: 5/5!

Stay Up Too Late Factor: 5/5

Overall: 4.5/5

THIS BOOK. Okay, so it popped onto my radar because of the Hugos, and a number of queer reviewers said that they love Becky Chambers. I’d been meaning to read the first book in this series, The Long Way To A Small, Angry Planet, but never got around to it. But then this one came around and my library had it in and it can stand on its own merits, and so I scooped it up.

Friends, sometimes the right book comes into your life just when you need it -- and this book did that for me. I started reading it ahead of a very difficult and tense family situation, and this book -- which focuses on found family, building meaning, and, like, serious sunshine for the soul -- helped me through some ugly, messy stuff. It was a balm.

Other benefits: fascinating alien cultures, a lived-in universe (if you like Mass Effect, you will like this!), queer folks and relationships and fascinating relationships to gender, AIs with feelings, people finding each other and making families because found families are the best, etc., etc., etc. My only quibbles are around a few minor pacing elements, but I devoured this and let it soak into my soul in the best possible restorative and healing way. The way it balances a past narrative with the “present” and two very distinct point of views is masterful.

Read this book.

Hag Seed: 10/25

Writing: 3/5

Feelings: 1/5

Stay Up Too Late Factor: 2/5

Overall: 3/5, because Atwood

So this is basically a retelling of The Tempest, of which I am vaguely and distantly fond, and of course it’s Atwood so there are some interesting narrative elements going on. That being said, the whole book felt more like a... sort of narrative that’s mostly a study guide that a professor put together to help you understand The Tempest. Case in point: after the climax, there’s about 20 pages of each character doing an analysis of the person they played in the production so -- study guide. Which isn’t to say it wasn’t interesting. It was just laboured, and so I give this one a big old shrug. 

Parasite: 11/25

Writing: 2/5

Feelings: 1/5

Stay Up Too Late Factor: 2/5, but only because I wanted to finish it before the eBook got called back to the library!

Overall: 2/5

WELP.

You know, once upon a time, I read Mira Grant’s Feed, and I loved it. It made me cry, I bolted my way through the whole thing, and I put it down feeling like I’d just witnessed something masterful.

This book is the opposite of that, and I don’t know if there are many reading experiences worse than picking up a book by an author you think you love and being thoroughly, thoroughly disappointed. I guessed the big “reveal” literally in the first 20 pages (seriously, and I am The Worst at guessing plot twists, okay). The characters are one dimensional. There isn’t a plot: there’s exposition. And exposition. And people telling people things. And so on and so forth. No one’s actions are believable, everything is ridiculous, and it made me angrier and angrier the deeper into the narrative I got.

There are only two redeeming characteristics to this novel: 1. Don’t Go Out Alone, an in-text children’s story book told in verse that’s creepy and compelling in the small snippets we get and I would have rather read that than finished this book, and 2. Beverly, who is a Good Dog.

UNBONUS POINTS: All the gays die.

(Well, one guy apparently dies, but then we learn that he’s secretly alive and also a tapeworm-villain, so. Yeaaaaahhhhh.)

The Thief: 12/25

Writing: 4/5

Feelings: 5/5

Stay Up Too Late Factor: 5/5

Overall: 4/5

I was feeling really put-out after reading two mediocre books in a row, and starting and not finishing a whole bunch of others (did not finish list coming soon!), but then I picked up The Thief and --

Beautiful.

It’s a tight narrative that starts out pretty slow, told from the perspective of Gen, who is, predictably, the thief in question. Do yourself a favour: don’t Google this book or this character, because you will spoil some really magnificent details for yourself (I learned this the hard way and have apparently spoiled some major revelations coming down the line in subsequent books -- from the title of the Wiki entries alone! gdi, internet). 

In fact, there’s not much I want to say about the plot, because it’s worth just reading and enjoying as it all unfolds. Gen is the best sort of narrator: incredibly compelling and funny, with such a distinct and delightful voice that you'll find yourself totally enamoured. This is quasi-medieval, although there are guns, and it’s set in a parallel to the ancient Mediterranean. Little myths are peppered throughout, and they’re delightful.

I read this in about two sittings, and now I’m into the second book in the series. My only quibble is that there really aren’t any prominent female characters in this book, although that’s fixed in a very compelling way in the second book (and likely beyond). The cast is super small -- five, including our narrator! -- but I still don’t see why one of the other four couldn’t have been a lady. But Gen is so layered and compelling and the narrative is so fantastic that I really didn’t mind -- just this once.

Want to see what I'm reading, failing to finish, or completing but forgetting to review over here? I’m on Goodreads!

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 50*: Full Disclosure

“I want to be a part of your universe.”

Steven Universe is a hero, but is he a superhero? Sure, his powers are magical, and his enemies tend to be more monstrous than villainous, but the same could be said of fellow Steve-with-unusual-surname Stephen Strange. Steven certainly evokes your typical sidekick, and the Crystal Gems have a cool team name that sounds more like the Justice League than the Jedi Order or the Fellowship of the Ring. Most importantly, Steven lives in contemporary times despite his sci-fi/fantasy adventures, and lives a dual life between the weird and the mundane.

He doesn’t fill quite enough tropes for me to firmly put him in that category, but I bring it up because Full Disclosure uses a plot straight out of superhero lore: keeping a secret to keep a loved one safe. This secret tends to be the character’s identity as a hero, which has frankly been done to death; great shows like The Flash (well, its first season is great at least) grind to a halt as our lead continually lies for no actual reason (why would your friend let villains know that they’re prime kidnapping material?), and the plot point has been brilliantly deconstructed by the likes of Brian Michael Bendis’s Ultimate Spider-Man and Mark Waid’s Irredeemable. Steven Universe similarly subverts this story, thankfully in the span of a single episode, to show us just how childish this self-distancing really is.

Not that Steven’s reticence isn’t understandable: Greg, who we’ve seen worry about his son plenty of times before, has a massive freakout after hearing what Steven went through in The Return and Jailbreak, and any kid could make the logical leap that their friend might have a similar reaction. Greg’s message of support through his hyperventilation is everything to this scene; Tom Scharpling really can dad with the best of ‘em.

From here, we have a rare stretch of Steven alone and introspective. This isn’t Samurai Jack we’re talking about, so Zach Callison is either talking to a hypothetical Connie or singing about his feelings. Regardless, we have poignant moments of silence as his rambling falters to the physical aftermath of Homeworld’s attack. 

Ronaldo makes his way into the plot, and does exactly what Ronaldo should do: act pompous and give lousy advice. Scenes like his are why I can never be too hard on the guy, because he has a role to play that no other character can, and he plays it well. His speech is a nice dose of comedy in what could be a bleak sequence, but nonetheless captures Steven’s internal struggle. Most importantly, he doesn’t overstay his welcome!

It’s unfortunate that the song that follows has to come on the heels of Stronger Than You, because it’s one of the show’s finest but it sorta gets lost in the fray:

Integrating the ringtone we’ve been hearing since the end of Jailbreak into an actual song is unspeakably clever. While the workmanlike lyrics aren’t too special compared to other Steven Universe numbers, it’s a welcome return to Steven singing; we may have gotten a taste in On the Run and The Message, but he hasn’t gotten a full-length solo song since all the way back in Island Adventure. Steven may just be singing what he’s obviously thinking, but between Zach Callison, the visuals, and the instrumentation, I’m good.

The sequence has two flashback montages of sorts: Steven looking through past pictures of hanging out with Connie to reestablish their history, and actual events we’ve seen in the past two episodes. Even if these episodes are fresh in our minds, Steven’s specific memories highlight just how much he’s witnessed: Garnet’s destruction, Lapis’s imprisonment, the menace of Peridot and Jasper, the crash, and the formation of Malachite. Note that the headbutt that gave him his black eye is omitted, because Steven is most upset about bad things happening to other people, which fits right into his concern about Connie and his dad.

After some fun with the Gems, we immediately see how childish Steven’s behavior is, first using exaggerated vocabulary and then sloppily avoiding Connie rather than confront his feelings. Episodes like this are the reason Connie is so surprised to learn that Steven is older than her in Steven’s Birthday, because her maturity saves their friendship; Grace Rolek even incorporates a little Doctor Maheswaran as she admonishes Steven for making her worry. But not before this perfect little moment:

Full Disclosure’s insistence on letting destruction speak for itself is wonderful, considering we just got a song that spells out Steven’s exact thoughts. After seeing Steven shocked into silence a few times earlier in the episode, Connie’s wordless run through the hall of the ship as she chases Steven hammers in just how big of a deal Jailbreak was. Moreover, the visual storytelling reinforces her character: this alien stuff is confusing and a little scary, but she’s more focused on her friend than sating her curiosity.

The staging of their confrontation builds enough suspense that it made me a little worried in my first watch, which is pretty impressive considering Steven and Connie obviously aren’t going to stop being friends. I love that we don’t see Steven explain what happened, not only because we saw it and got his summary already when he told Greg about it, but because it allows for one of Full Disclosure’s departure from the show’s signature style. Beyond the reverse star wipe opening, we get not one but two fade-out transitions—one after Steven’s song, and the other during this implied conversation—and both enhance the pensive tone of this aftermath episode.

All this worry makes the conclusion that much more satisfying. On the micro level we see that Greg has calmed down, and on the macro we see the whole town coming back together. It’s not Ocean Gem’s three-cheers-for-Steven ending, but what he needs after such a life-changing finale is a little relief.

And yet.

Act I of Steven Universe is over, with Steven having a major victory that marks a turning point in his growth. Considering the shape of things to come, it’s fascinating that his first adventure post-Jailbreak involves him keeping the truth from loved ones in the exact way his mother did. And it’s fascinating that he’s so concerned about others that he's willing to put his own happiness on the line for their sake, because that’s the self-destructive martyr complex that drives his actions after the story of Rose shattering Pink is revealed. And it’s fascinating that Connie debunks both of these notions well before they become major themes in the show’s third and final act (not counting the movie and epilogue series). We’re playing the long game, and the seeds of the angst that consumes Steven after Back to the Moon are planted right here, but Connie has already revealed the solution to Steven’s eventual problems: trust is the antidote to Rose’s legacy of secrecy, and love is the antidote to Steven’s sacrificial mindset.

Future Vision

Steven gets a taste of his own medicine in the aftermath of Wanted, where Connie ignores his calls and texts. Both incidents are sparked by Steven going to space without her, but her differing reactions speak volumes about her character development: here she’s worried because she’s out of the loop, but by the time he goes to Homeworld she’s furious and hurt that he let her go through it again. Ignoring how far their partnership has come to take on danger by himself betrays how hard Connie’s worked to be a part of his universe, and I’m thrilled that the show addresses this. 

See below.

I guess you could read it that way…

If you watch Full Disclosure first, the knowledge of the Temple’s fence is foreshadowing. If you watch Story for Steven first, it’s a callback. I gotta go with the foreshadowing on this one.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

As the unofficial third act of a two-parter, Full Disclosure suffers a bit compared to individual episodes. But tone is still king for me, and I welcome any portrayal of the immediate aftermath of major episodes. Characters in serials tend to be unrealistically resilient when it comes to episode after episode of drama and trauma, and a big part of Steven Universe’s second season is establishing just how much these past events we’ve seen (versus the first season’s focus on past events in a character’s history) affect our leads.

While Full Disclosure itself doesn’t make the cut, now that we’re fifty episodes in I’m expanding the Top Ten to a Top Fifteen. Congratulations to On the Run, Warp Tour, Maximum Capacity, The Test, and Ocean Gem for getting out of the runners-up slot!

Top Fifteen

Steven and the Stevens

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

The Return

Jailbreak

Rose’s Scabbard

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Winter Forecast

On the Run

Warp Tour

Maximum Capacity

The Test

Ocean Gem

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Future Vision

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

No Thanks!

     4. Horror Club      3. Fusion Cuisine      2. House Guest      1. Island Adventure

[theglowiest-worm]

MIRIUM MIDGE: CHARACTER SHEET

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine. I got a love, and I know that it's all mine. Oh, oh whoa

Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me. Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me. No, oh whoa

ORIGINS & FAMILIAL RELATIONS:

Name: Mirium Margaret Midge

Nickname: Miri, Short Stuff

*Reason for Name:

Birthday: 17 March 2001 ( Aries )

Age: 17

Gender: Female

Place of Birth: Swynlake, England

Places lived since: None

Number of siblings: One, her twin brother.

Relationship with family (close? estranged?)

Cecil Midge (father):  [FC: TBD]

Meridth __ Midge (mother):  [FC: TBD ]

Thewlish Midge (older brother):

Happiest memory:

Childhood trauma:

PHYSICAL:

Height: 4′8″ (146.304 cm)

Weight: 90 lbs (40.82 kg)

Build: Slight with delicate features

Nationality: Lebanese and English

*Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birthmarks): Mirium has a spattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose and cheekbones but otherwise she’s free of any blemishes. Her skin is a light tan. She has a single scar on her shin ( surprisingly ) from crashing her bike as a kid into her neighbor’s mailbox. 

*Distinguishing facial features:

Hair color: Light brown. In the summertime, Mirium’s hair can turn almost platinum if she’s outside long enough.

Usual hairstyle: When it’s long she leaves it down and it’s natural wavy curl or up in a ponytail and hat. When she has it shorter, it’s usually just wavy or however she wakes up, with very minimal fixes to it since it looks nice when she wakes up.

Eye color: Brown

Glasses? Contacts?: Neither

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Mirium likes jeans and comfort, big jumpers that you can hide your entire body in or comfy sneakers and a hat. She’s very casual and kind of a tomboy but she always looks adorable. 

Typical style of shoes: Sneakers probably

Health (is this person usually sick? or very resilient?): Mirium can get sick on occasion and, when she does, it sticks around for a bit ( like a week or so, depending on what it is ) but, overall, she’s fairly healthy. 

Grooming (does she/he wear makeup? shower daily? wear only clean clothes? pluck his/her eyebrows?): Mirium’s grooming habits are fairly laid back but she is very meticulous about them. She wears makeup but it’s pretty minimal unless it’s for something fancy and then she’s got eyeshadow and lipstick on. She showers at night because it’s easier than worrying about showering before school. She washes her face and does her teeth in the shower and her brows are pretty well-manicured, though they don’t need too much upkeep. Her clothes she picks out the night before, though she will sometimes change depending on weather and how she feels. 

Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: Mirium has 5 earrings total: two lobe piercings in both her ears and a bar in her right ear. No tattoos. She wears rings and necklaces occasionally, but not very often.

Accent?: Typical British accent ( I assume anyway )

Unique mannerisms/physical habits: Because she uses her hands to speak A LOT, her physical habits generally revolve her use of sign. Her facial features are very expressive, to convey her meaning for words she doesn’t say, and her gesticulations are usually fairly wide. However, her most unique habit is her choice of personal signs for people. She likes to customize things for herself so she knows she has something quick and easy to differentiate people. 

Athletic: Mirium is of average athleticism. She’s not crazy fit but she’s not a couch potato either. 

INTELLECT:

Level of education: High school education. Wants to continue into university if she can. 

Level of self-esteem: Fairly high

Gifts/talents: She can recite the alphabet backward if you can get her to do it

Shortcomings: STUBBORN, my goodness is she stubborn

Style of speech (loud, mumbler, articulate, etc.): When Mirium chooses to speak she is usually pretty hesitant, simply because her comfort level is more in signed language or writing. However, when she speaks her words are clear, if tinged with a bit of a different sound to them because she can’t really hear how she’s pronouncing stuff. 

“Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?: More right brained

Artistic?: Yeah! She likes to write and she doodles.

Mathematical?: Sure?

Languages?: BSL, English, Spanish ( from school ). Wants to learn others too!

Neuroses: She picks at her nails when she’s nervous.

Life philosophy: TBD

Religious stance: Not areligious but not, uh, super keen organized religion as a whole. Probably more agnostic than atheist bc she does believe in something, just doesn’t really know what to call it. 

Cautious or daring?: UH...both? Depends tbh

Optimist or pessimist?: OPTIMIST

Extrovert or introvert?: EXTROVERT

Level of comfort with technology: She’s tech saavy. My only true muse that is tbqh

RELATIONSHIPS:

Current marital/relationship status: Single

Sexual orientation: Gay. SUPER gay. Like omg. Also demiromantic, possibly poly. Idk she’ll figure it out, maybe.

Past relationships: She had a crush on one of her friends first year of secondary but didn’t tell her because she thought it would make her uspet. Would gladly tell anyone that the Avalorian princesses are goddesses. ( Hasn’t really had any tbh )

A social person? (popular, loner, some close friends, makes friends and then quickly drops them): Mirium is very friendly and outgoing and she makes friends easily. I would say she is comfortable with a number of people groups and can easily have friends in various “cliques” in her school bc she is just genuinely so sweet.

Most comfortable around (person): Probably her brother or her mom? If it isn’t family then Reese, hands down. 

SECRETS:

Life goals: TBD

Dreams: To find something she loves to do, something she’s good at, and make a career out of it. 

Greatest fears: To fail her family and her brother. To lose the people she cares about for a stupid reason.

Most ashamed of: TBD

Compulsions: TBD

Obsessions: oh gosh...she likes the royals, lotr, star wars/star trek. I wouldn’t say OBSESSED but she’s definitely a fan of things. 

Secret hobbies: TBD

Secret skills: TBD

Crimes committed (and was he/she caught? charged?): None

What he/she most wants to change about his/her current life: None

What he/she most wants to change about his/her physical appearance: None

DETAILS & QUIRKS:

Night owl or early bird?: Early bird

Light or heavy sleeper?: Heavy sleeper, usually

Favorite food: TBD

Least favorite food: TBD

Favorite book: TBD

Least favorite book: TBD

Favorite movie: TBD

Least favorite movie: TBD

Favorite song: TBD

Least favorite song: TBD

Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: Crunchy

Lefty or righty?: Lefty

Favorite color: Anything bright!

Cusser?: She’s that person that cannot physically cuss because she feels bad but if she does it’s because you’ve seriously pissed her off.

Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: Nope! She wouldn’t touch the stuff.

Biggest regret: TBD

Pets?: As a little girl she had an English Sheepdog named Lucy. Now, she has a Basset Hound names Rascal. 

[the-little-prophet]

CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE: CHARLIE LITTLE 

ORIGINS & FAMILY: Name: Charles Boon-Mee Kai Little   Nickname: Charlie, Kai (Kai is Charlie’s chu len-- or Thai nickname.) Reason for name: Charles’ father wanted Charlie to have an English name first and foremost and named Charlie after himself. Boon-Mee is Charlie’s Thai name which means “good fortune.” Kai was the nickname that his mother chose because he was born early and was very small. Kai means chicken. ;) Age: 19 Gender: Male Place of birth: Swynlake, England Places lived since: Nowhere! Number of siblings: Charlie has one stepbrother from his mother’s second marriage. He usually only sees them when he visits his mother-- usually twice a year, hardly ever more. 

Relationship with family (close? estranged?): Dad–Charles “Buck” Little used to be a pro baseball player from Los Angeles California, but an injury early on in his career benched him and ended that career. Instead, Charles “Buck” Little became an insurance agent and got a job working at InterPride until Taka Lyons took over and fired half his department. That was four years ago. Now Buck gets disability insurance and works at Pride U in their IT department.

Mum- Dr. Phailin Dilsworth, formerly Little, formerly Chaisurivirat. First-generation American, became a college professor and found a job teaching at Pride University where she had her first child, Charlie. She was NOT into the magick-friendly thing as much as Charles was and wanted to move for a long time. She blamed Swynlake as a big part as to why Charlie had his chronic sleeping disorder. Eventually she got a job teaching in a school down in Bournemouth and left Charlie and Buck when he was 9 years old. She remarried when he was 10 and moved with her husband, who was also a professor, to Toronto. Charlie talks to his mom on the phone every month or so and sees her for a few weeks in the summer/every other Christmas.

Sylvester Dilsworth- Charlie’s stepbrother-- same age-- who thinks Charlie is a #freak for growing up in Swynlake, aka England’s great failed experiment. Wants to go into Psychology like his dad (thinks Charlie is #crazy). Charlie does not like Syl.

PHYSICAL Height: 5’6 (teeny) Weight: 125 ish idk height Build: Charlie has always been very short since he was a child and grew very slowly. He’s kinda still hoping he’ll put on another inch or two before he’s done growing but… looking pretty hopeless Nationality: English Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): Charlie has severe astigmatism in his eyes. He’s severely sleep-deprived and suffers from dissociative episodes. Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birth marks): Olive-toned skin, and a few moles on his face and neck. Often times cuts himself shaving (does it like every few days) and so he’ll have tiny nicks here and there. Also misses lil hairs all the time, look he’s trying Distinguishing facial features: His very big thick glasses lmao and he’s got quite pretty eyes in my opinion, even if they are hidden behind his messy fringe and big, thick glasses.  Round cherub cheeks.

Hair color: Black. Usual hair style: Messy and long-- Charlie never has time to brush his hair in the morning   Eye color: Dark brown Glasses? Contacts?: yes to both though contacts bother his eyes.

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Charlie comes from a middle-class family and dresses like a typical Brit-- sweaters over collared shirts, that kind of thing. He leans toward hipster-esque if only because he likes comfy sweaters because it’s easiest to fall asleep in haha, and he’s often seen around in pajama pants and zip up jumpers if he slept past his alarm and had no time to change. I would call his style “frumpy nerd chic.” Typical style of shoes: He wears a lot of Toms because they are comfy and easy to slip on, so you know, better than sandals. Health (is this person usually sick? or very resilient?): Chronically sleep-deprived, Charlie also suffers from migraines. He’s noticed that if he has bad migraines one day, he’ll probably have a night terror. Which stresses him out. And makes the migraine worse. Otherwise, Charlie is a relatively healthy young boy, with pollen allergies in the spring but no other sensitivities.   

Grooming (does she/he wear makeup? shower daily? wear only clean clothes? pluck her eyebrows?): NGL this could be better but it’s not his fault he’s just very tired. He does take a shower nearly every day (cold showers to wake him up) and does his own laundry so he had clean clothes. But he often does not brush his hair and wears hats to make up for it. Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: None thus far! He does wear a watch. Accent?: Typical brit Unique mannerisms/physical habits: He rubs his eyes a lot and toys with his hair. He cleans his glasses both as a compulsion and because a lot of the time when he tries to rub his eyes he will hit his glasses and need to clean them from all the finger smears.   Athletic?: He’s pretty fast and limber due to yoga and many years spent running from disasters, whether real or imagined. But Charlie won’t be beating anybody up lol INTELLECT Level of education: Completed a nurse’s assistantship and has a pheblotomist’s license. Taking uni courses on the side, hopes to one day be a proper doctor/surgeon. Level of self esteem: Medium-low. Charlie feels like a burden to his father and a freak to other people even though he knows he can’t help his condition. Years of therapy mean he’s pretty in touch with his sense of self though so while he beats himself up, he does have coping mechanisms. He also knows he is trying his best !! Gifts/talents: An excellent drawer, a pretty great cook, and a hard worker. He also has a lot of practical life skills. He’s a practical guy. Shortcomings: He can struggle to concentrate because of his health issues, he’s pretty cowardly and paranoid, he overreacts, he’s a bit socially awkward (not in a shy kind of way-- Charlie is actually outgoing ish but because he doesn’t have many friends he doesn’t understand a lot of the social cues. His desperation for friendship is also Not Attractive). Style of speech (loud, mumbler, articulate, etc.): Nervous talker for sure. Doesn’t stammer, just goes on and on and on. Definitely overshares when nervous. “Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?: Left-brained.Charlie is deductive, rational, and wants to be a doctor someday. His secondary -claw is super strong and he craves an explanation for things and hates that he doesn’t have one for his night terrors. The fact that it could be magic also doesn’t comfort him but scares him, despite growing up in Swynlake (hey he thought he was a Mundus all the time ok!) beccause he doesn’t uNDeRstanD and can’t conTrol it. Artistic?: Yes, uses charcoal and pastels. Mathematical?: Yes, he’s p good at math. Languages? Just English. He once spoke in Tongues during one of his Doomer episodes but that was probably a glitch haha. His mother never taught him any Thai.

Makes decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?: Logic, always logic.

Neuroses: Thinks World Is Ending At All Times

Life philosophy: uh don’t die? Do the good you can with the tools you have. Be Prepared-- Two is one, and one is none (aka hvae two of everything; its a prepper mantra). 

Religious stance:  Is starting to explore aspects of buddhism which is tied to his Thai culture (something he’s very distanced from especially because his mother no longer lives with him and she was pretty removed from it too) and hopes will help him with his night terrors.

Cautious or daring?:  Cautious Optimist or pessimist?: Pessimist- the world is literally always ending.

Extrovert or introvert?: Ambivert, leaning to introversion. If Charlie had friends, he’d probably prefer smaller get togethers and that kind of thing but he would totally socialize and likes talking to people and working together in group projects charlie it is so sad that school is your main form of interaction.   Level of comfort with technology: Very comfortable. True millennial. Instagram, Twitter, FB, blog. He depends on his phone and computer a lot for his social life/coping mechanisms. He definitely has internet friends who are doomers like him.

RELATIONSHIPS Current marital/relationship status: Single Sexual orientation: Bi. Charlie doesn’t really think about romance that much because he’s mostly preoccupied with Death but he had a crush his bff as a smol boy (who was also a smol boy) and also has crushed on girls from afar (and tbh probably kinda crushes on Minnie a bit because she’s so pretty and kind to him). He never really questioned it and so its a nonissue for him. He would like to have a romantic life one day but kinda thinks its impossible like who would like him he’s CRAZY. He can’t even sleep a whole night thru let alone with another person in the bed.

Past relationships: As a boy, he had a crush on his bff at the time--Nate. Nate’s family moved away following one of Swynlake’s disasters bc they weren’t gonna fuck with that shit.

A social person? (popular, loner, some close friends, makes friends and then quickly drops them): Charlie is not afraid to strike up conversation and sort of accepts his reputation as a Crazy Person so that helps deal with any social anxiety (he’s too busy with his generalized anxiety thanks hahahah.) He has a few people in his classes who are willing to work with him on projects and stuff, a few internet friends-- but otherwise he considers a lot of the patients at the hospital his friends… problematic charlie ur friends r gonna die

Most comfortable around (person): His...cat? SECRETS Life goals: Charlie has always wanted to be a doctor. He wants to be able to respond to medical emergencies like the ones that he’s seen, so he’s thinking of trauma surgery but is open to other paths (he’s also pretty interested in neuro because of his own disorder; he also loves kids, so pediatrics). Just as long as he can help people.   Dreams: it would be nice to have a normal one whats that like   Greatest fears: Death, dying, disaster. And that he’ll be helpless in the face of all that and can’t save the ones that he loves. Also that he’s gonna be a lowkey embarrassment to his father for the rest of his life. Most ashamed of: His night terrors and the fact that he drove his mom away (he didn’t). Compulsions: Snacking. He snacks a lot during the night and when he watches tv. Obsessions: Watching the Golden Girls a lot, also the impending apocalypse which he had been prepping for since he was small.   Secret hobbies: ...being a prepper…. Is that a hobby…astronomy also thats more normal !! Secret skills:... prepping… Crimes committed (and was he/she caught? charged?): none thank god What he/she most wants to change about his/her current life: Find a cure for his illness/curse What he/she most wants to change about his/her physical appearance: Charlie would really like to be TALL. His dad is very tall and he got none of those genes and he feels like a pipsqueak and kind of helpless and he sort of is. So number one: TALL. Then he’d like to not have glasses and one day wants to get laser eye surgery to correct his vision, especially if he wants to be a surgeon.

DETAILS/QUIRKS Night owl or early bird?: Night Owl bc he’s terrified of sleeping. Light or heavy sleeper?: heavy sleeper. When he is sleeping, nothing can wake up but like, his dreams or his father shaking and yelling at him. He sleeps like he’s dead lmao Favorite food: Spicy food is his fave. Loves sushi, also loves chips and potato crisps and snack foods in general. When he’s too tired to cook, he’ll just eat an entire bag of crisps.   Least favorite food: Charlie isn’t a fan of a lot of red meats, like burgers and stuff. Favorite book: uhhhh mmmmm charlie isnt a big reader, he’s usually watching television. If he’s reading, he’s reading medical cases and articles.   Least favorite book:  horror story books Favorite movie: old musicals, honestly-- Hello Dolly, Pajama Game, that kind of thing. Very soothing. Probably LOVES It’s A Wonderful Life. Least favorite movie: horror movies leave him alone Favorite song: gosh idk Least favorite song: idk eIETHER probably does not metal Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: crunchy Lefty or righty?: leftY Favorite color: green or brown Cusser?: er, a bit, normal youngin. He doesn’t curse in front of adults though he’s pretty good about that. Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: Charlie has had a few drinks here and there a social drinker if anything. Though he does wonder if drinking a lot could squash the dreams though this is a bad path for him to wander down. He has also thought the same about #drugs but is kind of a wimp and so he hasn’t tried any...yet Biggest regret: Charlie feels like he was a big part of the wedge that drove his mother to divorce his father because they had diff ways of dealing with charlie’s condition aka-- his mother wanted to deal with it and his father didn’t. This isnt really true, just another thing the two disagreed on. Pets?: A cat that his mom left behind! She’s old and fat and grey and her name is Emily